#im gonna drop by the hospital later for an ultrasound

[kirishwima]

im. not doing well 🤡

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Saving Grace - Part 4

Summary: Steve leaves you and your son to go back to Peggy unaware your pregnant.

Your heartbroken and struggling without Steve until Bucky Barnes steps up to help you out. With you and Bucky growing closer everyday will he be your saving Grace?

(Takes place after The Avengers defeat Thanos and people lost in the snap are back).

A/N -Sorry summary sucks! If i say too much it will give things away! 💜

"Hey Y/N, its good to see you!" Peter said as he saw me walking into the compound with Harrison.

"Hey Pete, how you doing?" I smiled giving the young boy a quick one armed hug.

"Oh my god your pregnant...."

"Yep" i nodded placing a hand on my growing bump "another one on the way, hey can we catch up later i have an appointment i need to get to and i've gotta drop Harrison off with Clint first" i said looking down at my son who was holding my hand.

"Yeah sure! It was real good to see you"

"You too".

After saying goodbye to Peter we headed to the elevator and made our way up to the common area. Harrison saw Clint as soon as the doors opened and run straight to him jumping into Clints arms as he bent down to his level.

"Did you get bigger?" I heard Clint ask Harrison as i walked towards them.

"Nooooo" Harrison laughed.

"I was actually talking to your mama"

"HAHA! and yes i probably did!" I rolled my eyes at him "i feel huge"

"You look beautiful! Im just playing with you"

"Thanks Clint! Your sure this is okay?...."

"Yeah of course we'll be fine, right bud?"

"Yep!"

"Okay, here's his bag with some bits he might need and also... Fred" i held up his dinosaur teddy that he loved "i shouldn't be that long"

"Go, we're good here i promise"

"Okay.... be good for Uncle Clint buddy" i kissed his blonde hair quickly and turned back to the elevator. As the doors opened Bucky and Sam were standing there both giving me huge smiles.

"Hey doll, what you doing here?" Bucky asked before Sam could.

"Just dropping Harrison off with Clint, you guys are back early"

"Yeah another waste of time with Ross, I'm gonna go see my little man" Sam said leaving me with Bucky.

"So how come Clints watching Harrison?"

"Ive got a doctors appointment, i didn't want to have to worry about keeping Harrison occupied. You guys were busy and Clint offered"

"Your okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine, just got an ultrasound. Its just to check on the baby, routine stuff"

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"You dont have to..."

"Id like to....if you dont mind of course"

"Sure, it'd be nice actually".

The drive to the hospital was quiet but not awkward, i kept catching Bucky looking over every now and then and we'd share a smile, butterflies going crazy in my stomach each time! The effect this man had on me was crazy!

Walking into the hospital he suddenly became very nervous and i couldn't help but think he regretted offering to come with me.

"You can wait in the car if this makes you uncomfortable Bucky..."

"What?... no im fine doll. These places just freak me out" he gave me a small smile. I reached for his hand and laced my fingers with his giving his hand a squeeze.

"Come on, we wont be here long i promise".

After checking in we went to sit with all the other couples waiting for their appointments, some women clearly only attending their first check up, others looking like they were ready to pop any second. But all i could see were the happy couples, they all sat there looking happy. Last time i did this i was just like them, Steve and I were happy and in love.... or at least i had thought so.

"you okay?" Bucky asked quietly leaning closer to me.

"Yeah" i nodded quickly turning to look at him, by the look on his face he didn't believe me.

"Your a terrible liar" he smiled taking hold of my hand "you thinking about him?"

"I guess so, its just being here this time around is different from when i was pregnant with Harrison. I was just like them" i looked over at the happily loved up couples "thank you for coming with me Buck it would have been so much worse sitting here alone"

"Anytime. Anything you need I'm your guy" he leaned closer and pressed a kiss to my temple just as the nurse came out and called my name.

"I'll be right here when your done"

"Your not coming in?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to"

"Come on, i need you Bucky".

Bucky got up quickly nodding and following me into the examination room.

"Good afternoon Y/N" an older gentleman greeted me when i walked in.

"Hi"

"Im Dr Green"

"Where's Dr Gale?"

"Sick I'm afraid, your in good hands i promise" he smiled "okay so mom if you wanna get on the bed.... I'm guessing this is dad?.... you can pull up a chair to get a better look"

Bucky and I looked at each other but didn't correct the doctors assumption that Bucky was the dad, it was easier to just let him think that.

"Okay if you can just lift up your shirt i'll get started".

A few minutes later i was looking at my baby girl on the screen, the sound of her heartbeat filling the room.

"Everything looks great" Dr Green smiled at us as he clicked some buttons and made some notes "i'll get some of these printed for you guys and you can be on your way"

"Thats it?" Bucky asked looking confused.

"Yeah this was just to check everything is as it should be. I wont need to come back until D day now"

"D day?"

"Delivery day" i laughed wiping the gel of my stomach with the towels Dr Green had handed me.

"Oh right" Bucky nodded before smiling at me.

"First time dad huh? Its all very overwhelming i know, but just relax. This bit is the easy bit" Dr Green laughed handing the print outs to Bucky "i have four kids and 6 grandkids.....the hard bit is when their here"

I scoffed at that statement, it was easy for him to say he didn't have to push the kid out!!

"Really? Cause i would have thought the hardest part was Y/N having to actually have the baby" Bucky said looking at the doctor with a murder glare and i had to hold in a laugh.

"Oh of course! Im not saying giving birth is easy....."

"I should think not. You ready doll?" He held his hand out for me

"Yeah" i nodded smiling up at him as i took his hand "thank you Dr Green".

"Man i wanted punch that guy in the face so bad" Bucky said quietly to me as we walked out to the car "as if the birth is the easiest part of having a kid?? The hard part is when their here??" He mimicked the doctors voice making me laugh "his kids and grandkids must be monsters! I mean Harrison's not hard work, his no trouble at all".

We stopped at the car and i couldn't help but smile at him "what?" he asked.

"Nothing, its just..... your pretty amazing Buck" i smiled reaching up and pressing my lips to his gently. He let out a little surprised gasp but quickly kissed me back, pulling me closer to deepen the kiss. When we broke apart we were both breathless "wow" i smiled up at him feeling myself blushing.

"You got that right doll" he beamed.

"I know i said i wanted to wait til after the baby but i just couldn't help myself"

"Im not complaining, lets just take things slow. If you wanna kiss me again i wont object" Bucky smirked and i could just imagine him being like that back in the day before the war, before Hydra.

"Maybe later" i chuckled "lets go get Harrison and go home"

"Sounds perfect".

Taglist:

@jennmurawski13 @kenzieam @captainchrisstan

@s-t-r-i-k-e-us @lets--be-honest @ms-betsy-fangirl

@damnaged-princess @farfromtommy @disneylovingal

[leelee10898]

Fast cars & Freedom: Finally home (16/16)

Here it is... the final chapter had arrived. Thank you everyone for riding along with me on this. My first attempt at ROD, althought we may be closing out this, it doesnt mean we have seen the last of this gang. I have some one shots and possibly a mini planned in the future!

I want to give a few special shot outs @riseandshinelittleblossom for pushing me to do this. @brightpinkpeppercorn for putting up with my crazy venting self!! And also the babies first name! @choicesarehard for her amazing edits and @desiree-0816 for being the biggest cheerleader.

Pairing: Colt x Ellie, mpc crew and friends.

Rating: fluff

This song I picked because it sums up Colt in a nutshell.. also its from one of my favorite movies, and gave me slight inspiration.

Ellie sat slouched back on the couch indian style, amazed she could even get her feet to bend that way.   Any Day now she sighed, her hand rested on her swollen belly. She was huge this time around, much bigger than with Luca, her feet were swollen and she couldn't fall asleep without a back rub. "Well she's asleep, finally." She smiled at the shirtless man in front of her as he laid on the couch, his head resting in her lap. "How many books did it take?" She giggled as she ran her fingers through his dark locks. "Only two tonight.  guess the rehearsal dinner wore her out." A sudden jolt against her stomach collided against the side of his head.

He turned facing her stomach, one hand on the side "Hello in there. You can come out now, daddy can't wait to meet you." He spoke to her stomach, placing a soft kiss against her bare skin. Ellie smiled looking down at him, the sight completely melting her heart. The baby always reacted hearing Colts voice prompting a dance party usually.  They weren't sure what the sex was, both wanting to let it be a surprise. If someone had of told her almost a year ago that this would be her life, she would have laughed. Yet here she was married to Colt, raising their daughter together with another on the way, living next to the beach and ridiculously happy. Any time now  she whispered again. "We should probably get to bed, big day tomorrow." Colt stood, kissing her forehead. "Mmhmm." She practically hummed. She had been having Braxton hicks contractions the past few days, on top of the swelling and the last minute preparations for her dad's wedding, she was exhausted.

"You ok baby?" Colt looked at her concerned.  "Yeah, just these braxton hicks again. Help me up?" She held her hand out as Colt carefully helped her off the couch. They made their way up the stairs slowly, Ellie in some pain, but she hid it from Colt. Her dad was getting Married tomorrow and she was not missing it. She knew Colt would take it as a sign she was in labor, and rush her to the hospital.  The doctor and Ingrid both told her that the Braxton hicks contractions were going to be felt more intense the end time around, and she was positive that's what it was, besides she was almost 2 weeks late with Luca, her due date was a week away.

They laid in bed, colt started at her feet, then her stomach, shoulders and then her back. He had been amazing throughout the whole pregnancy,  never missed an appointment or ultrasound, always attentive, took every mood swing and craving in stride, and he massaged her swollen, achy body every night.  He was an amazing Husband and Father, Ellie thanked god and Logan every chance she got, that they talked her out of going through with the divorce. Sure he was a smart ass, and stubborn to boot, but he was always there for her, had her back and supported her no matter what and he genuinely cherished every moment he spent with them.

The past 8 months have been such an amazing time for them. Colt and Luca were like two peas in a pod. They witty banter between the two kept Ellie in stitches and on her toes. They had drove to Lake Tahoe to see Colts mother, who apologized profusely for stepping in and causing problems.  Ellie and Colt both accepted and they had an amazing relationship. She had pulled out all of Colts photos growing up to show Ellie and Luca. Ellie forming the conclusion that Luca indeed looked just like Colt as a baby. If she had of seen those pictures before the plate test, she was certain that she would have known instantly.

Darcy and Colt spoiled the hell out of her, Darcy ecstatic to have a granddaughter and equally happy to have another little one coming. She literally pissed her pants when she went to open the back door one day and was greeted by a small pony. Of course Colt bought her the damn pony, she knew he would. She had to double check that, neither He nor Toby stole said pony, old habits and all. So yes, everything and everyone was amazing and blissful.

Ellie shot out of bed with a sharp pain to the abdomen. She let out a low, dull sounding moan shit that one hurt. She waddled to the bathroom and got into a warm shower, relaxing her immediately. After her shower she waddled naked back to the bed. Colt rolled over, rubbing her stomach. "You ok?"

"Yeah, just uncomfortable. Lets try and get some more rest, big day ahead of us." She tried to assure him, hoping he bought it.

A few hours later they were up, and out of the house. Colt had bought a minivan for Ellie, although he drove it more then she did.  He had his and ellies hospital bags packed and in the van, along with the car seat installed and the diaper bag ready to go. Colt played no games when it came to being prepared for this baby, he could not even wait. They had a quick breakfast with Frank, sally, Logan and Stacie before the girls were separated and taken for hair and makeup. Ellie was Sallys maid of honor,  Stacie a bridesmaid. Ellie sat in the chair, taking deep breaths, stacie looked over at her "You ok?" Ellie gave her a quick yes, but she knew Stacie didn't buy it. Once Sally stepped into the changing room Ellie tried to walk over to the couch, but a strong pain hit her like a brick. She doubled over and Stacie was on her. "You're in labor aren't you?" Ellie gave her a pleading look. "I don't know. I don't want to ruin my dads wedding. Just let me get through the ceremony.  Please don't say anything especially to my husband." She paused looking down at Stacies slight bump "or I'll tell Logan its a boy."

"Fine! But you know he doesn't want to know yet.   Stacie snapped.

Sally walked out the girls dropped their conversation. "Sally, you look so beautiful.  Dad's going to cry." Ellie teared up. "Really Sally, you look so beautiful." Stacie confirmed. Just then they heard a knock on the door. "Knock knock. I came to collect a bride." Logan popped in, his eyes settling on his mother. It was an odd, yet great feeling to see his mom getting married. Logan grew up without any one, and in such a short time he gained an entire family and was starting his own. The photographer came in to take pictures, first of Sally alone.  Ellie hunched over again, this time Logan seeing it. "Ellie, you ok?" She looked up at him, trying her best to lie "oooh yeah. This one just kicked me, hard." He gave her an unbelieving look, before setting his gaze on stacie. "Colts kid." She offered up.

They finished taking pictures, Logan walked his mom down the aisle to a teary eyed Frank. Ellie was right, her father cried, and so did Sally, Ellie, Stacie and Riya. Colt and Logan served as Franks groomsmen. They made their way to the reception Colt and Luca sitting next to Ellie who was taking deep breaths. "Ellie, what's wrong?" He asked concerned. "Nothing. Im fine, just standing too long." She lied.  

"Maybe we should go to the -" Ellie cut him off.

"No Colt! We are not going to the hospital and ruin my dads wedding for nothing. So please lets just enjoy the day ok?"

She knew it may be a good idea to go, the contractions were stronger,  closer together then they had been. Still she wanted to be there for her dad.

The reception in full swing, Luca dancing up a storm, she was the life of the party. They followed through with the motions, wedding party dances,  dinner that Ellie barely touched. She sat at the table, shoes off and extremely uncomfortable. Colt crossed the room standing before her "Dance with me Mrs Kaneko?" He gave her a devilish smirk that made her heart soar. "Of course. But only because you look incredibly sexy right now." She took his hand and joined him on the dance floor. The swayed together as close as they could possibly get, before Ellie stopped abruptly. Colt slipped a little "Shit, be careful El. I think someone spilled something." He said looking down at the puddle by their feet. "My water. My water broke." She looked up at him, wide eyed. "Your. Oh shit." He looked around for help, he had no idea what to do in that moment.

Ellie doubled over, a wave of extremely strong contradictions hitting her hard. "Ok, just breathe El. Were gonna get to the hospital." Colt looked up, seeing Logan "Logan, I need your help." Logan, noticing the panicked look on his face rushed over. "The baby's coming. I need your car."  Colt told him, Logans car was much faster than the minivan. Ellie let out a painful moan, getting the attention of pretty much the entire room. Logan tossed him the keys, colt giving him the keys to their van. "Mom, can you keep Luca for us?" Colt looked towards his mother. "Of course. We will be up soon. Good luck you two." Darcy gave them each a quick kiss and hug.

"What's going on?" Frank came up, concerned.  "Babys coming. We gotta get to the hospital." Colt filled him in as he ushered Ellie towards the exit. "I'm coming with you guys." Frank insisted. "No daddy. Finish the wedding, please." She groaned out. "Ellie I-"

"No. You have fun. Come up after ok." She cut him off. "I love you Eliana."

"Wait for me. I'm coming with you guys." Riya insisted.  Colt nodded and off they went.

Colt speed to the hospital, they rushed inside and were whisked away to a room. Riya called the doctor ahead to inform him that Ellie's water had broken and she was on the way to the hospital. "Hi mrs Kaneko. Im kelly, I'll be your nurse. Dr Coulson will be here soon." The short blonde woman said, taking her blood pressure and hooking her up to monitors. Another contraction hit her hard "oooooh god." She screamed out as colt grabbed her hand "breathe El." He tried calming her as she firmly gripped his hand. "Ok. Your contractions are consistent,  lets see what progress you've made." She checked dilation and station. "Oh wow, your at 8 hun. And the baby is low. Let me try and get the doctor on the phone." Kelly stood, quickly exiting the room another contraction hit hard and she almost jumped off the table. "Whoa Ellie." He steadied her. "It hurts. Fuck!" She hollered. "I know baby. Your doing so good. What did you do with Luca to ease the pain?" He asked. "I had an epidural. This fucking hurts." Finally the dr walked in.

"Hello Ellie, colt. Ready to have a baby?" Dr Coulson smiled. "Beyond ready doc." Colt beamed. Ellie nodded,  sweaty and heavy breathing. "Yeah, pressure, lots of pressure. can I get something for the, ooooh pain?"

"Well. You were at 8 a little bit ago. Let's see where your at now." The dr checked her, shaking his head. "Well, this baby is ready to come out. Your at 10."

Everything happened fast, Colt stood there at Ellie's side gripping her hand as she put her feet in the stirrups. He could feel the adrenaline kicking in, like he was just about to race.  "Ok Ellie, with the next contraction i'm going to need you to push." Dr Coulson ordered.

Ellie beared down and pushed hard, Once, twice. Colt was amazed as he watched the woman he loved bring the life they created into the world. The baby's black full head of hair first, another big push and the baby was all the way out. "You did it El. Our baby is here." He sobbed as they heard their child's healthy set of lungs. "Its a boy." Dr Coulson announced.  "We have a son Colt." Ellie sniffled. They cleaned him up and placed him in Ellies chest. "He's beautiful." Colt showered her in kisses. The nurse snapped a few photos for them before he was taken to the warmer and weighed and measured. He was 8lbs 6oz 21 ½ inches, had a head full of jet black hair and looked exactly like a scrunched up version of Colt.

They nurse brought him back over, placing him in Ellies arms. Colt sat on the bed next to his wife and son, Ellie looked up at his blissful face she knew exactly what he needed. "Here you go daddy." Ellie said as she handed him off. Colt took the tiny person in his arms,he looked down at his son, a sense of pride washing over him. He had texted his mom after they were given the ok for visitors, a short while later Darcy walked in with a shy Luca. An odd sight if they ever saw one, the once outspoken, opinionated 6 year old was now  cowering behind her grandmother.

"Hey princess. You want to come meet your baby brother?" Colt beamed at his daughter. She nodded her head hurrying over as colt squatted down to her level. "He's so tiny." Her small voice almost a whisper. Darcy came over to hug Ellie before taking a glance at her new grandson. "He looks just like you did as a baby." Colt looked up and smiled. "So, we got a name for this little guy?" Darcy eyes the two. "We do." Ellie spoke, "but we're waiting to tell everyone when they get here."

They didn't have to wait long,  the room filled with all of their family and friends. Barley anyroom to stand,  they all crowded around the sweet little bundle of joy. Another momento of the love they shared,  and someone to share the over abundance of aunts and uncles they had. Colt sat next to Ellie as she held their son, Luca on the other side. Everyone snapping pictures of the happy family in front of them. "Ok everybody, Colt and I would like to formally introduce you all to our son." She smiled as she looked to Colt. "Everyone, meet Cade Teppei Kaneko."

They chose to name him after Colts dad, who they were sure was looking down on them. He wasn't there for Colt, but Colt was sure he would have been for his Children.  Ellie may have started out as someone the crew used for information, but in a short time she changed them all, for the better. Colt stood back, looking at the group of people in front of him. The motto of the crew was always look out for yourself, somehow along the way they became a family. Ellie came into his life like a hurricane and turned his world around. He once told her she was his queen, that they would run the city together but these days he was thinking bigger.  She was his queen, but not of the city, she was queen of the world, his world.

He closed his eyes, envisioning his father. "Life is good pop. And it's only going to get better."

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ROD

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[queenviolist-blog]

Adeline’s Story

Adeline’s Story

Life is like a crazy amusement park ride. It has its ups and downs. The joys, sorrows, and everything in between. With every decision, or lack of, your life changes. There is a quote I once read, it said You are always one decision away from a totally different life. The thing is.. With Adeline, I never had a choice.

           I had always wanted to have three kids. When we played “House” at school and even at home, I gathered three baby dolls and said I would be a mommy to three babies. I don’t know why, but three just seemed like a good number. As I got older, I ended up having two of the three kids I wanted. But not who I wanted them with. The guy I married was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and I was glad to have that part of my life behind me. When I first found out I was pregnant, I called the baby “Lil Seed” cuz it was my little love seed, and was about the size of a seed at the time. Then the Hatchimal craze started. My kids were crazy about those things. After being exposed to that term on a daily basis, trying to acquire one, I decided to call the baby Hatchimal because after all, it was a creature that had not yet hatched lol. I had a “regular” pregnancy and besides the extended morning sickness (until the eighteenth week), I felt like everything was fine. Up until my anatomy scan, everything was fine. I was good, and baby was good. I didn’t find out the gender of my first two until they were born, so at the anatomy scan I initially declined to know, but later asked the ultrasound technician to put it in an envelope in case I wanted to do anything later. This is the first time I felt like something was “off” The tech was very concerned with the placenta and the umbilical cord. She left the room to go talk to the doctor. After the doctor came in, I was informed that I had what was called a Velamentous Cord Insertion. This is basically where the cord does not attach to the placenta as it should (in the middle), but mine had attached on the side and had a portion of blood vessels exposed. I was explained that it wasn’t a big deal, but that it may lead to a growth restricted baby in some cases. Otherwise, it didn’t present a danger until delivery, where the cord may be prone to rupture during childbirth and the baby may bleed out.  Of course, they didn’t tell me all that. I read most of that info online. I couldn’t stop thinking about that. I felt like as if a death warrant was issued with my daughter’s name. The next few prenatal visits were uneventful. I discussed my dropping iron levels. Wondered how Anemic I would get. It was nothing new, I was anemic on and off. I always worried about the umbilical cord. That thought was in the back of my mind. But time and time again, I was assured I was fine. I learned that Hatchimal was in the 25th percentile for her weight. Normally, babies should be in the 50th percentile. Not too big, not too small. I was told that since I was petite, my baby was small too. This is why I hardly showed. I tested slightly higher than normal for my one hour glucose test. I blamed it on the cereal and milk I had the morning of the test. I had forgotten to fast, so I ate a small bowl of cereal. I was scheduled to take the three-hour glucose test in late March just to assure that I didn’t have gestational diabetes. I can’t remember at what point, but curiosity got the best of me one day and I opened the envelope and saw the ultrasound pics. At the end, I read “It’s a Girl!” on a pink sticky note. I was ecstatic. I wanted a girl soo bad. I had two already and a third one would fit right in. I don’t know why but the thought of having a boy made me shiver. I couldn’t see myself as a “boy mom.”

I remember the day of March 28th. It started like any other. I took the girls to school and then came home looking for energy. I picked up the girls from school and decided to take them to the pool after school. They swam around happily. I reluctantly got in because the water was really cold. I hate being cold. I noticed that Hatchimal was more sluggish than usual. Normally, this baby would kick me HARD when she was hungry. I wasn’t even hungry yet and she would be moving in there. I would feel her knees and elbows. As soon as I ate, she would calm down. She showed me who’s boss. But on this day, I figured she was sleepy. After washing her baby clothes in Dreft, and sorting them by size and putting them away, I laid down in bed. It was 1030pm when Delilah came and jumped into bed with me to tell me goodnight. I scolded her for being up an hour and a half after her bedtime but still hugged her and rubbed her head. She asked me if she was gonna be a good sister, and I said she was. She told me she would help feed her and give her the green soothie paci and love her so much. At that point, I felt Hatchimal move. I asked if Delilah wanted to feel and she agreed. She put her had on where Hatchimal had moved and Delilah’s face lit up. I sent her to bed. As she left I got an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It came out of nowhere. It kind of freaked me out. I rubbed my stomach and told her to go to sleep too. I feel asleep about thirty minutes later.

I woke up on March 29th to go use the restroom. I noticed I had really bad back pain. I got myself ready because I had the extended glucose tolerance test. Yuck. I hauled ass on Bloomingdale and made it there 6 mins late. Lovely. I hate Bloomingdale traffic. I was poked before taking the sugary drink. I thought “Ok. One of four pokes done” I took the drink, and sat down. They alternated the arms for the blood draws. Four in total. The last test I winced when the needle went in. I remember an ultrasound pic where Hatchimal was wincing. I wondered if I looked as cute as her wincing. I laughed, but thought “I will get pricked however many times I need to as long as you’re healthy Hatchimal” I went to eat at a smoothie place. Ate a sandwich and a smoothie. It was then that I realized I hadn’t felt her move at all that day. I googled it and it said that glucose tests have different effects on babies. I thought it was odd bc I figured that all that sugar would of made her hyper and not sluggish. It wasn’t until 3pm that day that I was laying in my couch that I thought, Have I felt her move? I called my OBGYN and they advised me to go to L&D. I decided to wait because I was soo tired from the testing and didn’t want to take the drive to TGH. I laid there thinking she was asleep anyway, and I think I dozed off too. About 9pm, I decided to go to L&D. I had Braxton Hicks contractions but it was normal due to me being a few days shy of 8 months. I sat in her closet and played with a clear marble that I found on the carpet. I pretended like it was a fortune telling ball. I finally gathered my purse and keys and left. I got there and they recognized my because I had been there four days prior due to feeling “shitty” I wanted a blood transfusion but they said my levels weren’t low enough. I changed into a gown and waited for the nurse. She came in and put the blue strap on and located my heartbeat right away. She then grabbed the pink strap and put it on my stomach. Nothing. She moved it around and nothing. She said that it was maybe bc of how the baby was sitting. She put more gel and moved it around. Nothing. Silence. I felt my face get hot and my heartbeat thump in my neck. Loudly. She left saying that she wanted to get an ultrasound machine to get a better look. She came in with the ultrasound tech. They put more gel, and started the machine. At this point, I have tears welding up in my eyes. To say I was terrified was an understatement. They put the wand over my belly and I saw her. Right away I knew she was gone. I saw her chest and no flickering of her lil heart. They moved the wand around. More people came in. I looked at the Tech’s face. She was biting her inner cheek. I could tell. Her eyelids flickered. Unlike my daughter’s heart. She bit her lips. Pressed them. Then someone else took over. They told me to turn to my side. Then back to my back. By now I have tears running down my face. Finally, after what seemed forever, and after a room full of specialists, the older woman said. “Im sorry. There is no heartbeat” Just like that. No heartbeat. I was stunned. It took a second to scream “Noooooo..My baby” and they all said they were sorry for my loss. I yelled “My baby CANT be gone” I lost it. I cried so hard I had eve liner and mascara all over my face and gown. I told them this was the fourth baby that I lost, and a nurse started crying. They all left one by one until the original nurse asked me what I wanted to do. I could go home and sleep and then come back in the morning after I was rested and ready. Can you believe that? First of all, I wouldn’t of been able to sleep at home knowing my sweet baby was gone. Second, I would of never been “ready” to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to someone you have never said Hello to? I said I had to go home and get a few things and I would be back within the hour. I left. When I got home, I realized that all along, I had had premonitions and feelings like something had been off. That was maybe why I wanted to get my hospital bag ready with such urgency. Why I felt like I was running out of time, even though I knew that I had eight more weeks. I sat in Hatchimal’s walk in closet. I grabbed the marble that was still on the floor. I looked at all the boxes of diapers she had. The bathtub. Her soaps and lotions. Bottles. Her clothes. I didn’t even know what to take to the hospital. Should I pack clothes? A pacifier? She was gone but what if I wanted to take a picture with a pacifier in her mouth. Then I wondered what she would look like. She was gone. Would she look different than a live baby? I had never seen a dead baby before. I gathered what I thought I would need and left back to the hospital. It seemed so surreal. Going past downtown. Knowing that it was a one-way trip for her. Once I got back to the hospital I grabbed all my stuff. My photography equipment. My purse. Robe. And a makeshift diaper bag with her stuff. I was moved to the Labor and Delivery rooms instead of their L&D triage. They started an IV and put me on Cervadil, which is a labor inducing drug. I tried to get some sleep because besides the Braxton hicks contractions. My body wasn’t ready to let her go.

It was March 30th now. I tossed and turned. Couldn’t sleep. Got 30 mins of sleep. I felt the contractions but they were mild. I spent the whole day waiting. Waiting for the medicine to do its job, and make me contract. Waiting to meet my sleeping angel. I labored and waited.

March 31st made its arrival. It was 9am and the four doses of Cervadil had no effect on me.  Was it possible my subconscious was telling my body to fight it off? I wanted to stay pregnant forever. To have my baby with me. I was still in denial. I was placed on Pitocin since they wanted to speed things along. They gave me the strongest dose they could give. It brought my contractions to 2-3 minutes apart. I was starting to finally feel them. Savages. Just like that, I went from having no pain to moderate pain. I wanted to be as alert and awake as I could be for when my baby got here. I declined an epidural. I never had one, and I figured I never will. Around 1030am I started feeling unbearable pain. I inquired about pain relief that didn’t involve an epidural. They suggested nitrous oxide. It was quick. Easy and the drowsiness wore off a minute or two after I took the mask off. I agreed. It didn’t get rid of the pain but “took the edge off” so I was content. I was checked and was barely at 3cm dilated. The pain quickly came in waves. I looked at my phone and saw that I had 5 seconds of where the pain would build up. 30 seconds of sheer excruciating pain. 5 seconds of the paid going away and 20 seconds of relief. I looked forward to those 20 seconds. I wondered why this was more painful than what I remembered. The only difference was that it was an induced birth, and induced births hurt more bc of the synthetic drugs. Also, she was breech. She was butt down and her head was up. Basically, sitting on my cervix. Her feet in her face like always. At around 11am, I was screaming in pain. The laughing gas did its job for 30 mins but was no longer effective. I was barely 3cm so the nurse suggested something in the IV to put me to sleep since I had to reach until 10cm. I did say yes or no just kept crying. I wanted the pain to stop. At 11:10 she came in with the drug and put it in the IV. I was barely feeling the effects of the coldness coming in through the IV. I was still in pain. I lifted my head and I felt a pop and my water break. (I had never had my water break with the other two; they broke it for me minutes before their birth). I felt a gush of warm fluid come out as well as immediate relief. She was half out. Within my next contraction a few seconds later, she was out. I saw the shock in the nurse’s face. She said, “But you were 3cm dilated!!” She called a code and suddenly the room was filled with specialists. The room was so silent. No cries. No gasps for air. It was a reverent moment. She was finally here. Born at 11:15am. I tried to keep my eyes open but I was very disoriented. I was dizzy and tired. I immediately regretted taking the IV drugs. But who knew that five minutes later I would have her? The things with drugs are, that not just because the baby is born do they stop working. I remember a nurse coming over and saying about something about the umbilical cord. I heard the word “knot”, and “base of her belly” I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was handed her by the nurse with such care. I was still very drowsy and disoriented. I took her carefully. She was perfect. I didn’t cry. I just stared at her. Looking at ever feature. Her eyelashes. Her nose. Her long fingers. Long arms and legs. Tiny toes. I smiled because her beauty blew me away. She had curly hair!! (Mine and the girls are straight hair) I kissed her and just looked at her. The nurse took pictures. They asked me her name. Adeline. Her name was Adeline Yesenia. We had picked the name that same morning. She was no longer Hatchimal. She was now Adeline Yesenia born on March 31st, 2017 at 11:15am weighing 3lbs and 2oz and 17” in length. I was proud.

That day went by fast. I slept most of that afternoon. I was still drugged. Exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I hated that part of my decision. Nurses were in and out checking my temperature and blood pressure. I had extensive bloodwork done. I wondered how much blood they had taken. I felt weak. My friend Gloria came to visit me. I love her. My mom and sister came as well. Even Monsignor Diez came to see me. I will never forget the uplifting conversation we had. I had my baby Baptized. Her baptism was beautiful. I recorded it. I felt like my duties as her mother were satisfied. She was the newest member of the catholic faith. My mom and sister were her Godmothers. I took lots of photos with my own equipment. I also requested a photographer to come in. She was inexperienced, was only there for two months. Nonetheless, I wanted as many pics as I could because I would never see the chance to see her grow up, and photographer as much as I would have liked. I chose a package. I went to sleep for the night.

April 1st, I wanted as much time with my baby as possible. I spend the day changing her outfits and photographing her. I It wasn’t until 8pm that they were ready to discharge me. I had already made preliminary plans for funeral arrangements. I did not want to leave. I wanted to leave with her in my arms. I wanted what every mother wants when they give birth. I wanted my baby home with me. As the time was approaching, I grew more emotional. I was dreading it. I laid with her, Looked at her. Tried to remember her. I didn’t want to forget her. I looked at her curly hair again. Oh, that hair. I kissed her cold little hands. She smelled like Baby Magic. The original one. I looked at her tiny fingerprints. She made a huge impression on me. She left her print in this world. I finally wrapped her in her blanket and put her in the bassinet. Then I was taken by wheelchair out. Leaving behind a piece of my heart. A part of me. I remember the ride home. I felt so empty. There was a truck in front of us with baby feet and angel wings. That baby had passed away at 2 months. How horrible.  I got home and I was greeted by my neighbor and mom. They stayed with me for a bit, then they left. I started shaking uncontrollably. I think I was moaning or grunting. I couldn’t stop. It was like spasms or chills. I don’t know. I went to bed and kept hallucinating. I thought I saw demons amongst the shadows. At one point, I gasped. I fell asleep quickly. I woke up to cold chills, then night sweats. That lasted about a week. I had nightmares. When I was awake, I was too sick to get out of bed. The thing with the body is that it doesn’t know that your baby died. My breast got engorged fast. That was painful. I was so sore. I decided to pump. I had two pumps that were waiting to be used. So, I used them. I felt a lil better. I pumped for about a week. It helped me feel better. I refused to go back to the ER for my fevers. My daughter was at the morgue in the same hospital. Plus, going back would bring too many memories of days prior. I spend the first few days planning Adeline’s funeral.

I ended up having her funeral services on April 7th. Ironically, that was the day I had made an appointment to go back to Meet A Baby to see her “one last time” before she came into this world. I did see her “one last time” but at the funeral home. Not what I was expecting. During the viewing, I took her out of her casket. I wanted to hold her and kiss her one last time. I stayed up there talking to both priests Father Eugene and Father Diez. We had her funeral service and then went out to bury her. I think I was in so much shock that I couldn’t cry. When it was over, I got home and just reflected on her short life. Eight months. From the time, she was created (Yay. Happy Birthday to me!) to when I laid her to rest, it felt like it was too short. My due date was Memorial Day. May 29th, 2017. She never made it. The next few weeks were a blur. Fighting for my benefits I was entitled to. Darn insurance companies. All those years paying my premium. I learned that (Pending the Autopsy Report) Adeline passed away due to an umbilical cord accident by “Hyper-coiled Umbilical Cord” causing fetal hypoxia. Basically, she spun around in there so many times that the umbilical cord couldn’t withstand the torsion and she passed away due to asphyxiation because her blood and oxygen supply were compromised. The Velamenous Cord Insertion did restrict her growth and she had more room to move around in there. Who knew that the cord that were supposed to extend life from me to my child is what failed her. That lifeline, and bond is what ended her life. Have you’ve ever wondered how fragile life really is? It’s extremely fragile. Adeline taught me to appreciate life. Never take it for granted. To laugh until you cry, and cry until you can no longer. She taught me to love unconditionally. She taught me to trust God more than I ever knew. And to look forward to the next day. Because another day gone, is another day closer I am to seeing her again. So, no.. I had no choice to see her go. If it were up to me, I would have wanted her here. I would have given my last breath in exchange to see her take her first. I had no choice to feel this heartbreak, but the choice I did have was to look at the bright side in life. Because, I believe, that is what she would have wanted. I love you Adeline. Thank you for everything.