#im going to be entirely honest this is sort of my last resort.

[amarillokidding]

I found out that a fanfic I was really into from phineas and ferb in like 2011, the account on deviantart was deactivated and it's all gone, original work, fanfics, and fanart and I'm terribly sad. It was an important source of fun and happiness when I was 10 years old online. The author had a lot of creative and detailed ideas, I remember many of her works in fondness!

I'm hoping that somebody out there can help me find the fanfic I was originally looking for, it is called "Riot" by Orthgirl123, it's like an angsty future ferbella (2nd dimension-esque) au story. I remember it had only like 8-9 chapters and was incomplete, but I still really enjoyed it. The only thing I remember is that the deviantart group was called "PaF-RIOTFANS" and it ended on a huge cliffhanger where isabella was revealed to be pregnant but she was in danger AARGHHH this sounds silly but I swear I enjoyed reading it when I was 11 and I want to read it again.

[buggaberry]

For your Bad Things Happen Bingo Card, how about "Passing Out From Pain" with Ladynoir? I'm a sucker for Ladybug freaking out if something bad happens to Chat Noir ;)

pairing: ladynoir

word count: 3981

warnings: character injury

a/n: this is over a year late im so sorry but i hope you enjoy ;o;

Read on AO3

__________________________________________

The Parisian sky was dark and cloudy as rain poured down heavily, soaking Ladybug’s hair. She futilely tried to shield herself from the barrage of droplets with her hands.

The rain came on rather suddenly, there were sparse clouds earlier but it was otherwise clear. She’d been sitting on a rooftop waiting to begin patrol.

Chat Noir was late. Though it wasn’t uncommon for him to show up later than her, Ladybug couldn’t help her gnawing concern this time around.

These past few days there’s been something off about him. It took her a while to notice since she’d been worried about Adrien, who was recently discharged from the hospital after having been in an accident.

She could never quite place her finger on it because he’d always throw on that big cheeky grin of his before she could catch his prior expression. Chat fought the same as he always did for the most part, but she noticed that he got knocked over easier and he would breathe rather laboriously at the end of their battles.

Ladybug knew her partner wasn’t well, in what manner was beyond her. The thought had crossed that perhaps he was resting, which would ease her mind, but he would’ve called in by now to tell her. He could always be too fatigued to transform if he was exhausted, but Plagg would have shown up by now if that were the case.

She would remain stubbornly at their meeting spot until there was a sign or if she ended up caving into the weather. Even if it was just to kick him and send him home to rest.

Ladybug attempted to shake off some of the water that soaked her, pulling out her yo-yo and spinning it over her head to shield her from the rain. It was much better, her arm would get tired after a while, but she was determined to tough it out.

It turned out that toughing out wouldn’t have to last long, as she heard a splash and a thud from behind her. Her heart leapt up to her throat in anticipation, only to drop to the pit of her stomach when she turned around.

There Chat Noir was, a soft sheen covering him from the rain, soaked to the bone. Aside from his slightly hunched posture and dull eyes that wouldn’t brighten despite his soft smile, his skin looked pale. It was undeniably pale.

Ladybug let her yo-yo drop from its rapid twirling, placing it back on her hip before scurrying to stand up and approach him.

Chat’s smile strained, trying to give her a better one, though her look of concern didn’t waver for a moment.

“Chat…”

Chat Noir grimaced in return, his smile wasn’t getting him anywhere.

“Hey, Bug,” he tried, attempting to keep his demeanor as straight as he could.

“You look terrible, what are you doing out here?” Ladybug said with brows furrowed in both worry and frustration.

Chat opened and closed his mouth a few times before pursing his lips.

“And it’s pouring out here, you’re gonna make yourself sick! Are you nuts?!” she exclaimed, both her hands fists at her sides.

Chat’s ears drooped atop his head, he looked away in shame remaining silent. Ladybug’s features softened as she gazed at him, shoving her frustration down in an attempt to calm down. Her hand started to reach out to him only to pull away, guilt tugging at her heart for yelling at him.

“I’m sorry… I—… I shouldn’t have yelled,” she said quietly, looking down, “I’ve been worried about you.”

Chat’s eyes returned to her, his smile was much more genuine than the one he was giving her earlier, “It’s alright, I’m alright. I guess I kind of deserved that.”

Ladybug chewed on the inside of her cheek before picking her head back up. He was a lot closer to her face than before, he looked much worse. His eyes weren’t as wide open as they usually were, his lips were paler, each breath he took seemed almost tedious. There were slight tremors that ran through his body occasionally, which could have been because he was cold, but his winces that came after made her think otherwise. It made her chest clench.

“You should go rest, Kitty. You don’t look well,” she whispered while placing a hand on his cheek, caressing it with her thumb, brushing droplets away. There was a brief look of surprise that flickered in his eyes from the action.

Chat sighed, his face pressing into her palm, “If My Lady insists, I suppose I can leave patrol to you.”

“I mean it, Chat. I don��t wanna see you again until you’re feeling better. I need you, but I need you healthy, got it? If you’re sick or hurt, you need to be resting,” Ladybug said, pushing his soaking bangs away from his face.

Chat glanced away, his expression was unreadable but he nodded.

“Good,” Ladybug sighed and pulled her hand away, Chat pouted at the loss of her touch. She wasn’t completely satisfied with his answer though, hesitating before asking, “It’s nothing I need to be worried about, right?”

He let out a soft chuckle before smiling and brushing her dripping bangs away like she had done to him, “I’m not dying if that's what you were wondering. I promise.” He had said it with such sincerity Ladybug couldn’t help but stare at him with wide eyes. There wasn’t a joke about nine lives or a hint of nonchalance in his answer, he was being honest which filled her with relief.

“Do I look that bad?” He snorted, tilting his head to the side endearingly. Ladybug could feel her lip quivering a bit as she turned her head away. “Yes, you do.” she wanted to say.

She heard Chat breathe in a bit like he was about to say something, only for her to suddenly be tackled over to the ground. A loud bang followed, making her ears ring.

Chat painfully groaned from above her, making her snap her gaze up to check if he’d gotten hit. There wasn’t any visible damage, but she still gingerly held him as she got up.

“Can you get up?” she said with urgency, glancing around to make sure another hit wouldn’t come flying in. Chat Noir nodded, so she held him from his forearms to help him up. Ladybug brought his arm around her shoulders, holding him firmly at his waist as she pulled out her yo-yo to swing away, not catching his scrunched-up face.

Though the minute they were airborne, there was a bombardment of large spikes flying in their direction. The rain splashing in her face wasn’t helping her as she tried to maneuver away, she ended up skidding as she landed in the street.

An odd figure approached them from a distance, humanoid with tentacle-like limbs it walked with that sprouted from its back, pitch black and oozing goop. An Akuma that looked like it could have come straight out of some sort of horror movie.

Of course, there would be an Akuma in the midst of pouring rain and her partner basically out of commission. Ladybug was plotting the types of violence she’d resort to when she confronted Hawkmoth.

She spun her yo-yo over their heads to protect them from the rain, though it was kind of pointless since they were already utterly drenched.

The Akuma suddenly lurched forward towards them and in hindsight, maybe she should have spun the yo-yo in front of them to protect them from it. It was fast, too fast for her to move. Chat Noir pulled out his staff from beside her and extended it, quickly moving in front of her to block the incoming limb about to ram into them.

He tried to push it back, only for another one to coil around him and toss him to the side. “Chat!” Ladybug gasped and began to sprint over to him, only to get whipped in the opposite direction. She landed with a thud on her back, the wind knocking out of her lungs.

Just as she began to get up, another spike came flying in, going just over her head and impaling the wall next to her. She whipped around to look at it then back at the unnamed Akuma. The spikes were its limbs, they solidified when they disconnected from its back, growing back promptly after. How quaint.

It began to make a move towards her partner, who still hadn’t gotten back up. Ladybug saw red as she tore the spike out of the wall and chucked it as hard as she could at the Akuma.

She sprinted over to Chat Noir, relieved to see him blinking and breathing, albeit, weakly. She wasted no time tucking her hands behind his back and knees, lifting him up from the ground.

Ladybug whipped her head up to check on the Akuma, who was currently immobilized, tentacles stuck to the ground from the spike she had thrown. It was starting to regenerate, but it was enough time for her to get Chat somewhere safe.

She made haste, sprinting back home, up to her balcony. Her home was decently far away from where the Akuma was.

Chat was quiet the whole time, as she laid him down on her sling chair and pulled out a throw blanket to put over him. Ladybug would’ve put him in her room, but there was no way for her to justify putting him in a stranger’s house. It would have been better to hide him and protect him from the rain, but it was too risky. The drape above the chair was enough to shield him from the rain, thankfully.

“Is this alright?” Ladybug whispered as she tucked him in. He only nodded and gave her a brief smile.

She furrowed her brows at him before jolting back when she heard a distant crash. The Akuma must have gotten free. She had to go back.

Ladybug turned back towards him, reassuringly grabbing his wrist, “I’ll be back as soon as possible, okay?” she said, backing away and swinging in the direction of the noise.

The pit of her chest was filled with anxiety the entire time, her gut practically screaming to go back and stay with him. There was something wrong, she could see it in his eyes.

She took a little longer than she would’ve liked fighting the Akuma, her frustration growing as the battle went on and causing her to continuously slip up.

Ladybug didn’t think she’d ever smashed an akumatized object so hard in her entire life.

She managed to keep the Akuma far from her home the entire time, which didn’t make her any less urgent to get back to her balcony.

The Akuma turned out to be a director who’d gotten upset at the refusal of promoting their horror movie. Ladybug didn’t pay much attention to anything else, her partner was the only one on her mind.

She promptly ran away, out of sight after casting her miracle cure, detransforming in an alleyway to feed Tikki before transforming once again. 

Ladybug returned to find Chat Noir sitting up, his legs dangling off the side of the chair, watching raindrops gather from the brim of the sheet above him and dripping down. His eyes had this sort of mesmerization in them that was akin to what a cat might have.

She let out a puff of air, he looked okay.

One of his cat ears twitched at the sound of her footsteps before he turned his attention towards her.

Ladybug smiled gently at him, "Hey, are you feeling any better?" she asked.

Chat Noir paused for a brief moment before nodding, "Yeah, I think I'm alright," he said, his voice rather quiet.

This was probably the moment she should send him off to go home, part of her felt like that would be wrong.

Before she could say anything to him, he started to get up.

"I should get going now," he said as he walked past her and towards the railing. He barely spared her a glance, he sounded a bit rushed and panicked.

Ladybug turned around to protest, but he just as quickly hunched over and stumbled with a hiss of pain.

She grabbed him by the shoulders to steady him, her prior panic filling her all over again. The moment she held him, he leaned into her, knees wobbling.

"Chat? Chat, what's going on?"

He didn't respond, he had a grimace painted over his features and he was panting.

Chat Noir went limp in her arms in mere moments.

"Chat!" Ladybug cried out, lowering him down to the ground to lay his head on her lap.

She quickly checked his pulse and breathing, both of which were perfectly stable. He had fainted.

What was she supposed to do? Was she supposed to take him to the hospital?

There was no fever or anything, so he wasn't ill, he was clearly in pain. Ladybug couldn't think of anything other than that he must have been injured somehow, badly at that. Which made her worry if he was bleeding at all under the suit.

She tried tapping on his cheek a few times to rouse him, but he wouldn't budge.

Her best bet was to wait for him to wake up to see if he could go home or if she needed to take him to the emergency room.

Even if he was mostly alright, she wasn't entirely sure if she trusted him enough to not pass out again on his way back.

The rain had at least eased up, she lifted him up bridal style and carefully laid him back on her chair.

Ladybug was conflicted, they were fairly exposed up on the balcony and both had gotten utterly soaked. She didn't want him to catch a cold on top of everything else.

She debated between walking into the bakery as Ladybug to ask her parents for help or jumping straight into her room to try and care for him.

There was also Alya, she could call Alya for help, she'd understand. Right?

She thought about detransforming and saying Ladybug asked Marinette to watch him, but then she'd feel like a jerk for ditching him as Ladybug.

She placed her head down on Chat's lap and groaned, "Why do you have to do this to me, kitty?" She huffed and took his hand, caressing it with her thumb.

She was just going to have to take him into her room as Ladybug, that seemed like the best option. Her parents would have been ideal, but they were definitely busy in the bakery at this time of day.

Ladybug crawled over to her trapdoor, pulling it open before standing up. She picked him up, adjusting her grip so his head was leaning on her and not bobbing about.

She carefully lowered him onto her bed, gingerly placing his head down first on her pillow. Taking another pillow, she tucked it beneath his legs. They were both dripping water onto her sheets, she'd have to wash them later.

After making sure he looked comfortable enough, she climbed down to grab some clean towels and a warm fluffy blanket that had been sprawled on her chaise.

She set the blanket to the side, unfolding a towel first to tap his face and neck dry before going at his hair. His hair was still damp, but at least it wasn't sopping wet anymore. She then dried off the rest of him, chucking the wet towel to the ground when she was done to pick it up later.

Ladybug dried herself just a bit with the second towel she’d picked up before tossing it along with the other. She picked up the fluffy blanket she had set to the side, tucking him in and pulling her comforter atop him as well.

Letting out a sigh, she let herself lay down beside him, staring at his calm expression. Her hand moved up to brush his bangs away, lingering beside one of his leathery cat ears. She gently scratched right behind it, usually that was enough to get him to purr. It was a little unsettling how he didn't even twitch.

She had to place her hand on his chest just to reassure herself that his heart was beating normally and his breathing was even.

Ladybug closed her eyes, keeping her palm to his chest. There wasn't much else she could do other than to stay by his side until he awoke.

The number of things possibly wrong with him kept flitting through her mind. She wondered how bad it was and if he had family at home worrying about him right now if he was supposed to be resting. In that moment, she couldn’t help but briefly be reminded of Adrien. The extent of his injuries was unknown, but it seemed pretty serious from what she’d heard. Adrien was in a car accident, her only knowledge of the situation was that it seemed intentional and was currently being investigated. If she thought about it, the timing of Chat’s unwell demeanor matched up pretty closely but… Adrien would never sneak out after sustaining such injuries, right? Chat Noir had been out and about for a while as well, she didn’t think it was anything severe.

She was being silly, it was just her concern speaking.

Chat Noir shifted a bit, causing Ladybug to immediately sit up and efficiently end her train of thought. A small noise emitted from his throat before his eyes fluttered open.

“Chat! You’re awake!” Ladybug gasped, throwing her arms around him but in no way hard enough to inflict pain.

Chat Noir looked dazed, shifting his head around to take in his surroundings.

“Are we in Marinette’s room?”

Ladybug felt her face pale, pulling away.

“Oh, right. I uh… I panicked and I asked this girl for help and she was kind enough to let us borrow her room,” she fibbed with a nervous laugh.

“... I see,” Chat replied, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply, “Make sure to tell her I said thank you… and that I’m sorry for any trouble I caused.”

“Of course, I’ll bring her ‘thank you’ flowers or something, no worries. She didn’t mind helping out at all,” Ladybug waved off. She hesitated for a moment, pursing her lips, “We were both really worried about you, you know? I was scared half to death… You weren’t any trouble at all, I’m just glad you’re okay,” she said, smiling reassuringly and ruffling his hair before pausing and pulling her hand back.

“You are okay, right? Should I be taking you to the hospital now or—”

Chat Noir chuckled a little at her demeanor, finding it endearing, “No, it’s alright. I think I’ll just tell someone I passed out when I go home, then I’ll go if I need to,” he said.

Ladybug nodded along, furrowing her brows, “How are you gonna get back home? You passed out after barely taking a few steps on your way back.”

Chat Noir grimaced at that, “Right. Do you think I could give you an address close to my place where you can drop me off and then I can make the rest of the way back?” he said in a mostly joking manner. But to Ladybug, that didn’t sound like such a bad idea.

“Yeah, I can do that. Just type it in my yo-yo, we can get going right now,” she said as she opened up her yo-yo and handed it over to him, leaving his mouth gaping.

“Wait, really? You don’t have to, I don’t wanna trouble you, you’ve done more than enough. You probably have to go back home now, I can probably make it back on my own,” Chat insisted, sitting up a bit trying to hand the yo-yo back to her.

Ladybug pushed it back towards him and shook her head, “Nope. We’re going. I want you to get any help you need as soon as possible.”

Chat Noir pouted, reluctantly starting to type in an address, handing it back to her when he finished, “There.”

“See? That wasn’t so hard. Come on, up. I’m picking you up,” she said, already removing the blankets on top of him and tucking her hands under him.

Chat Noir didn’t have a second to complain, grumbling in her arms and she carried him out bridal style.

“Let me know if I’m hurting you,” she said, trying to be as careful as she could. Chat nodded back before tucking his face into her shoulder. Ladybug had to fight down a blush from his close proximity.

They were airborne in mere moments, Ladybug hurried as quickly as she could to the location he’d given her. She didn’t want to waste a moment if he was in need of any medical attention.

Once she reached the rooftop, she gingerly let him down, still holding him up from his arm.

“This is the spot, right?” she asked.

“Yeah… thank you,” he said quietly.

Ladybug couldn’t quite get over this quiet and reserved demeanor of his, it only made her more worried.

She chewed on the inside of her lip in thought before attempting to toss on a cheesy grin, “It was no purr-oblem, kitten.”

Chat Noir was quiet after that, Ladybug's grin was wavering but she tried to keep it up, throwing in a finger gun. The gesture alone probably took years off of her own life.

He eventually snorted softly, followed by a quiet melodious laugh. Ladybug’s heart briefly stuttered at the genuinity of it.

“Thank you…” he said once again after catching his breath, it was filled with much more sincerity.

Ladybug coughed, lightly punching his shoulder, “Yeah, right. Just don’t do anything stupid like that again.” Chat smiled, giving her head a little pat.

“I’ve been really worried about you and you… you just really matter to me, okay? So… get better soon. Please go home and try to rest,” she pleaded, voice wavering, Chat Noir froze in place.

He shifted to pull her to his chest, delicately hugging her.

“I will, I promise,” he whispered into her hair.

Ladybug breathed in shakily and nodded, “Good.”

She pulled away from his embrace, staring up into his eyes. She brought her hand up and cupped his cheek, leaning in and tenderly pecking the other, “Go. Come back to me healthy,” she said as she backed away.

Chat stared at her in awe, his pale complexion tinting pink.

“Ah,” he said after a beat or two of surprise.

He nodded, “Yes, of course.”

Once he seemed to regain his senses, he approached her, brushing her bangs to the side and pressing his lips gently to her forehead, “Till we meet again?”

Ladybug blinked a few times, holding her breath for a second to repress a noise of surprise. She cleared her throat, “Even if it takes weeks or months, take it easy until you’re better. I can handle things.” She placed her hands on his shoulders and spun him around, mostly to hide her red face, “Now shoo.”

Chat Noir chuckled, “As my lady wishes,” he said before steadily taking off.

Ladybug puffed a sigh of relief watching him go off. Though she realized she shouldn’t keep staring since his home was probably nearby. She quickly averted her gaze, spinning around and pulling out her yo-yo to head home.

When she landed in her bed and destransformed, she did so in a plop.

Marinette’s sheets were still damp from earlier, though she felt far too drained and fumbled with her feelings to do anything about it right now.

All she could do was think about him, he was all that was on her mind.

She idly wondered if the kwamis would let them exchange letters, Marinette had a feeling it would be a while before she could see him again. As long as he was bright again once more.

[calpalirwin]

Front Row of Last Resorts

Summary: Calum never got a reason why his girlfriend left him. So when they run into each other six months after the fact, he’s determined to both get an answer and the girl.

A/N: Got angsty vibes when I came across the line “but do you miss the way those lies tasted” thanks to @cxddlyash​. And here we are.

Content: Smoking, alleged infidelity, hitting, pissed off female reader, smug Calum

Word count: 1.2k

And away, and away we go!

__

“Fuck you!” Her scream bounced off the buildings as she kept walking away from me.

Even though she was halfway through calling me every name in the book, my hands reached out to steady her as the heel of her shoe caught on an uneven part of the sidewalk and she stumbled backwards. “Whoa, easy there.”

“Don’t you fuckin’ touch me!” she snarled, snatching her arms back before I could even touch her.

I held up my hands in fake surrender. “Fine. Fall on your ass. See if I care.”

“You!” She took a step forward, a finger pointing dangerously in my face. “You fuckin’ disgust me! I never wanna see your face again, you hear me?!”

I dug into the pocket of my jacket for my cigarettes and lighter. If I was gonna listen to her continue to berate me, I was at least gonna have a smoke. “This some new sort o’ game you’re playin’, sweetheart?” I drawled as I lit up, taking a long drag.

“The only one playing games here is you!”

“Am I at least winning?”

“Fuck you, Calum,” she spat one more time before turning her back on me.

It took me snuffing my smoked cigarette into the concrete with the tip of my shoe to realize she wasn’t coming back.

~6 Months Later~

“What’re you doin’?” My lips moved around the cigarette in my mouth as I eyed Ashton in suspicion.

The other man giggled as he grabbed a nearby traffic cone and placed it on my head like a hat. “Makin’ sure you don’t get run over!” He flashed a grin.

“Piss off,” I chuckled good naturedly, lightly kicking his leg with my foot as he started to take a picture.

The sidedoor beside us opened, and we snapped our heads to it, expecting to see Luke and Michael walking out in search of us. When we saw it was a gaggle of girls, we averted our attention. “You’re a shit photographer, mate. Don’t quit your day job.”

“Am I the shit photographer, or are you the shit model?” Ashton quipped.

“Wouldn’t be the only thing Cal’s shit at,” one of the women snorted.

“Hey, Ash, remind me to look up ‘never’ in the dictionary. I wonder if there’s a second definition where it says ‘is actually 183 days.’” I took the cone off my head and took one last pull of my cigarette before digging the snub into the ground and rising to my feet. “How’s it goin’, sweetheart?”

“Eat shit,” she told me.

“Oh, so we’re still playin’ that game.” I tapped at my lips in thought as I walked over closer to her, leaning a hand against the wall. “We ever figure out who won?”

She let out a small scream of frustration before her hand cracked against my cheek.

I rubbed where she had struck me, my entire cheek on fire, brushing off Ashton who took a step forward, ready to intervene on my behalf. “Now that you got that out of your system, you ready to talk to me like a big girl? Or you wanna cuss me out some more? Let’s see… you already told me to eat shit, so look’s like we’re right about where you say I disgust you, and that you never wanna see my face again.”

“Fuck you!” Her hand shoved hard against my shoulder but I barely budged. She turned around, ready to walk off just like last time. Jesus, it was like clockwork with her.

I opened my mouth to call out after her, but Ashton cut me off with a hissed, “Mate!” his eyes wide as they pleaded with me to just let her go. 

“No, fuck this,” I dismissed him, before whistling loudly to get her attention. “Go ahead, and walk away again, sweetheart. I’ll see ya in another six months. Lovely catchin’ up!” I waggled my fingers and smiled sweetly at her.

“You stupid, smug, son of a bitch!” she fired, stalking back over to me.

I grabbed her wrist before she could hit me again. “Well, there’s no reason to drag my mum into this…” She growled and I grabbed her other wrist, holding both of them in one of my hands. “Now, that’s not very nice, sweetheart. What happened to all those words you had last time?”

“You’re not worth the air.”

“Alright. You wanna do what you didn’t do last time, and actually tell me just why the fuck you’re so hellbent on ripping my head off? Maybe, I dunno, change the outcome?”

“Why don’t you ask the girl you fucked what happened?!”

“I am!”

“Oh, so you weren’t fucking some other girl when you were with me? So, you’re not even an honest cheat? You’re a fuckin’ lyin’ one!”

“A cheater?! You think I cheated on you?!”

“I don’t think you cheated. I know you cheated! And you’re gonna stand there, and continue to deny it?!”

“I’m not denying shit, Y/N! I didn’t do anything! The only person I was crazy enough to fuck when I was with you was you!”

“Then explain this!” She quickly pulled up a picture on her phone before flashing it in my face.

I took one look and howled with laughter. I laughed so hard my sides ached and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I slumped against the wall, bracing a hand on my knee and pointing at Ashton with the other. “She thinks I fucked your girl!” I wheezed. “Oh, my, God! That’s fuckin’ great! Here I am, counting the days and kicking myself in the ass over Y/N when apparently I’ve supposed to been fuckin’ my best mate’s girl the whole time. Shit, I wish someone would've told me. This celibacy shit blows...”

While I fought to regain my composure, and she sputtered, “I- I- I,” at me, Ashton pulled up the unedited version of the picture on his phone. The photo that had him in it, his girlfriend’s hand on his jaw as he kissed her cheek the same way she was kissing mine.

“Believe me now?” I asked as she looked back and forth between the picture, Ashton, and me, her cheeks scarlet with embarrassment.

“Cal, I’m-”

“Save it,” I cut her off with a shake of my head. “I can’t believe you thought I would cheat on you. I can’t believe you read so much out of a fuckin’ picture so quickly that you drew you a conclusion about what happened without even having the decency to talk to me about it first before going off. I fuckin’ loved you. You know that this is the first time in 183 days that I’ve been able to stomach going out? Do you know that you had me so fucked up, that I actually know it’s been 183 days? Do you know how pathetic that is? To have literally counted the fuckin’ days?”

“Calum…” her voice shook.

“Yeah, doesn’t feel so good to not get a word in, huh?” I shot her a wink before I broke out in a held back grin.

She opened her mouth in shock. “Oh! You little shit!” She swatted lightly at my chest.

“Oh, c’mon, you deserved that, and you know it,” I laughed, grabbing her hand and pulling her to me.

“So you didn’t cheat?” Her voice was small and muffled as she buried her face in my shirt, inhaling my scent the same way I was doing with her.

“God, no. I fuckin’ love you, you crazy ass woman.”

“Good. Cuz I’ve really fuckin’ missed you.”

“Well, next time don’t leave me.”

__

Tag List

@frontmanash​​ @goeatsomelife​​ @flameraine​​ @creator-appreciator​​ @cxddlyash​​ @1-irwin-94​​ @sparkling-calm​​ @tea4sykes​​ @youngblood199456​​ @5-seconds-of-obsession​​ @gosh-im-short​​ @aquarius-hood1996​​ @talkfastromance4​​ @itjustkindahappenedreally​​ @philthepegacorn​​ @boomerash​​ @teenwolfss24​​ @karajaynetoday​ @myfavfanficsever​ @stormrider505​ @cashtonisruiningmylife​

[sonicfrontiers]

OOUGGH IM SO GLAD IM NOT THE ONLY ONE THINKING ABOUT SEA OF THIEVES HLVRAI AU... PLEASE !!!! PLEASE PLEASE SHARE UR IDEAS I WANNA HEAR THEM SO BAD

OHHH ANON YOU HAVE SAVED MY FUCKING LIFE WITH THIS ASK THANK YOU SO MUCH

SO !! i barely have anything yet bc i just had this fucking brain blast like an hour ago but. here are my Thoughts so far:

so the very first thing i tried to think of was like. what everyone is? i did my best w this but i am so fuckin open to ideas..... i don’t know shit! 

the easiest answer right off the bat was who the humans are (or at least the pirates who appear to be human) in this. we got the science team as the pirate crew—gordon, tommy, bubby, and coomer! they are sailing the seas and maybe they are not doing a very good job of it but it’s fine. it’s Fine

the second easiest answer was benrey’s situation. we got skeletons fuck yeah. benrey got some of that curse uh oh! however w benrey’s situation that’s more like... sometimes being a skeleton rather than just steadily turning into one, i thought maybe the curse fucked up on him? maybe it’s like. he’s only half cursed to just sometimes be a skeleton but he can also look human again too. i don’t fucking know. also OH SHIT BENREY HAS TO BE NOT HUMAN UHJHHHHHHHH fuck it guess he’s part ancient now too. i guess. shit i’ll have to spend more time on him but this is.. the gist

next we got uhh forzen babey. i’ll be honest i’m not too confident on this one. i had the vague idea that maybe he’s a mermaid? although whether he’s one of the mermaids that steals sunken pirates and turns them into mermaids or one of the mermaids who was turned into a pirate i can’t really decide. i mean the pirates-turned-mermaids are always helpful in game, and forzen. well. Isn’t, but the mermaid-mermaids live so far deep that they’re never seen? so i don’t know. but he’s out there.... in the ocean....... somewhere....... waiting for me to have more brain power to answer this

it’s darnold time! i’ll be honest i also don’t have many ideas for this guy. i thought maybe he’s got something to do with the order of souls? that’s vaguely related to potions right? sage darnold with the oos eyes curse and he reads the fuckin skull juices to help out the crew with their voyages..... i think? there are other options too but this is the one that jumped out at me the most!

GREGORY MAN. the man himself. SO I GOT TWO POSSIBILITIES HERE FOR THIS GUY. what i can’t decide on is how much of canon sot i want to be canon in this au... mainly, the stuff abt the pirate lord. i got two options here, one of which is that ramsey still exists as the pirate lord and he hangs out doing mostly the same shit he does in canon, and gman is like. an ancient who stuck around the sea of thieves for whatever reason? which would make tommy a descendant of the ancients too, hence why i specified earlier that all the pirates in the crew might not be human..... EITHER THAT OR gman is the pirate lord and ramsey fuckin uh doesn’t exist in the au. and i CANNOT for the life of me decide which i like better. ANY HELP APPRECIATE HERE PLS

OH ALSO I FORGOT SUNKIST HE’S A MONKEY THAT TOMMY HAS AND HE CAN DO COOL TRICKS AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM. HE’S IMMORTAL SOMEHOW. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT

THEN. it’s tim,e for “how the fuck did everyone get past the shroud into the sot”

i think no matter who the pirate lord is in this au they’d have no problems letting pretty much anyone in honestly. ramsey just kinda says “oh you washed up unconscious on the shores of old sailor’s isle? cool let me just not ask any questions and part the shroud for you real quick ok bye” and honestly i can’t imagine gman would be much different—although he’d probably be more cryptic abt it than ramsey is

SO. GORDOS. i feel like him coming to the sot was a last resort of sorts. he feels lost in life, unsure what his goal is or where he’s going, and he hears of this mystical sea that nobody who enters ever leaves but apparently there’s adventure and treasure and wonder there so he’s like fuck it, i’ve got nothing else to do and goes there hoping to find some sort of purpose. and find it he does :)

tommy time! i feel like whatever brought him here had to be partially related to his dad? either he’s just There bc. well. his dad’s the fuckin pirate lord, or gman’s all cryptid abt being an ancient and left tommy to sort of grow up in the sot on his own while gman kept a distant eye on him, just so tommy wouldn’t find out too much abt being an ancient or whatever. uh. so he’s pretty familiar w the world of sot and all its wacky magic shit! 

(actual sot lore question here bc this is smth i don’t know—does all the magic that happens in sea of thieves happen beyond the shroud? i wonder if the rest of the world also has skeletons and giant sea monsters and magic and shit or if it’s just inside the sea of thieves...... hmmm for this au i’m gonna assume that all magic is something unique to the sea of thieves and doesn’t happen beyond the shroud) 

The Bubby. honestly i like the idea that bubby came to the sot just to like... get away from the outside world? like maybe he’s on the run from something............ this is very very vague in my mind and is extremely subject to change but i like the whole “I’M LEAVING THIS WORLD!” thing as bubby being like fuck the regular world i’m going into the flesh eating devil shroud and nobody can stop me. and then he did

coomer. the man himself. i think coomer came to the sot searching for adventure! and more to learn! he’s always looking to broaden his horizons and where else to go but to the mystical sea of thieves when looking for new experiences? coomer is just here to have a good time :)

UH i think darnold already existed in the sot... he just sorta Lives There... there are npcs who just fucking were born and raised there right. like tasha was in the sot at age 4 so it makes sense right?? darnold just live here and he helps get the crew from the outside world familiar with the sot!

FORZEN has been in the sot for ages—either he’s always been here as a mermaid or he got turned into one so long ago and he’s just been getting angrier and angrier w it every year he’s trapped here. he barely remember why he came anymore but god does he regret it. :(

gman either way just kind of Is There huh..... as the pirate lord i honestly can’t imagine his origin being much different than ramsey’s? like he just makes friends w the ancients like hey what’s up i like this sea. my sea now. or he Is an ancient and just fucking chills there. whatever

OK THAT’S MOSTLY IT FOR WHAT I HAVE FOR TECHNICAL STUFF WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT..... HERE ARE SOME OTHER FUN BITS I THOUGHT OF:

bubby discovers firebombs and Uh Oh. Uh Oh Everyone Watch Out Bubby’s Got Fire Powers Now. he only accidentally sets the ship on fire SOMETIMES it’s FINE. (also his favorite region is the devil’s roar. unsurprisingly. he likes the chaos it brings)

bubby and tommy + coomer as well are agents of chaos in general. they don’t follow the fuckin Rules and it makes gordon’s life a living hell. 

bubby: look gordon i dug up some grubs! gordon: cool man, put those in the barrel and we can use them to fish late- bubby: (shoving the grubs in his mouth) gordon: BUBBY NO WHAT THE FUCK DON’T EAT TH coomer: oh, what a good idea, bubby! i am feeling quite hungry myself! (also starts eating worms) gordon: I’M COOKING DINNER AT THE CAMPFIRE RIGHT NOW PLEASE DON’T tommy: oh are the worms okay to eat? i wonder what they taste like gordon: NO STOP benrey, shoving worms in gordon’s face: eat worms? eat worms now please?

coomer finds out how to launch himself out of a cannon and he becomes unstoppable. the crew is attacked by an enemy ship and everyone’s like “oh fuck everyone get to the cannons!” and they go there to find coomer fucking launching himself directly onto the enemy ship, and he kills their entire crew in seconds. by the time he mermaids back to his ship everyone is fucking stunned silent and coomer is just like “well, that takes care of that! let’s get back on course, gentlemen!” and since then they just fucking fire coomer at people like a weapon whenever they get attacked by other pirates or skeletons. It Always Works

UH AND I THINK THAT’S KIND OF WHAT I HAVE SO FAR? i might be forgetting something but this post is long enough as is...... 

IF ANYONE HAS ANYTHING TO ADD FEEL FREE!!! i love sea of thieves so fuckin much man... and i didn’t even TOUCH on anything like any of the reaper’s bones shit which i would be interested in looking at getting involved in this au somehow...... i will probably come back to this if anyone else is interested !! otherwise that’s all i got for now!!!! thank you so much for asking anon!!!!!

[afterthelastreset]

Krisei Zodiac Event Pisces Week

Pisces Zodiac Sign Info Gotten From:

https://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/zodiac-signs/pisces/

“Pisces are very friendly, so they often find themselves in a company of very different people. Pisces are selfless, they are always willing to help others, without hoping to get anything back.

Pisces is a Water sign and as such this zodiac sign is characterized by empathy and expressed emotional capacity.”

💧Pisces Week

(This the entire element Is water Im going to base the element off that with the au Ocean rune or just water scenes, since in the rules were aloud to do stuff based off the element of the Zodiac sign.)

Day 1:  

The beach. A wonderful place to go on a hot day for anyone with plenty to do and see and so much activities for anyone even if you weren't a swimming person. Building sandcastles. Getting a tan. Going swimming. Just relaxing with a good book or painting the scenery. Volleyball. Collecting seashells. Snorkling or diving and seeing all the cool fish and underwater life. There was also the occasional fisherman and someone doing watersports like surfing, water skying, jet boats, a whole lot of fun on the beautiful waves and deep blue sea- Or if you were the pair of friends in question, you'd be sitting at a picnic table under the shade and snacking on the food you got. Milkshakes ain't got NOTHIN' on the heat here now, except maybe the chocolate ones they served. Chocolate milkshakes was always the best in his opinion as he happily ate and watched all the other people running around and doing whatever they wanted to do on this smoldering hot day, it was too hot for him though sadly. Fur and all but the scenery was really pretty, even more so now that it was sunny and not cloudy like it had been recently. So of course he'd drag his friend out of the house and into the glorious great outdoors!!......Buuut they were a little busy looking at a little piece of drift wood they had found while walking In the hot sun before being dragged to the giant umbrellaed picnic tables of the beach resort. They'd been doing that for quite a while actually.

"Kris?" The human hummed not looking up at the other one across from them. "What are you doing there?"

Instead of looking up from their lap they just shrugged. "Carving somthin'."

he frowned. he knew Kris wasn't a big fan of being in public, but this wasn't exactly what he had in mind for the two of them to do when he dragged the brown haired human out of the house. SO hhe smiled politely and asked. "Really? Whatcha carving now?"

"You'll see. Almost done," they mumbled still not looking up from their position and Ralsei just groaned and sat down into his seat.

he sighed and went back to his coco milkshake then. Watching as people still walked by and once and a while looked up just to see Kris still carving something with their carving knife and keeping it out of sight of the other until they suddenly brought it up and finally held it out to him. And in their hands was a small little carved out fish. he smiled and took the small gift from them and looked at the neatly carved little goldfish he was just handed. If it wasn't obviously made of wood then she would've sworn it was a real goldfish. They always had a nack for this thing and found Kris giving a small smile back, Ralsei couldn't help but stand up to go hug his friend.

"This is beautiful Kris! Thank you!"

"Your welcome."

Day 2:

*This takes place in the Au OceanFellrune since I wanted to try exploring this au more*

Well this certainly was a pickle wasn't it. Imagine just going for a swim with your best friend and enjoying a nice day at the beach to just relax, simple right? Yeah- Nope. A storm had blown in unexpectedly and swept through the sea just a few hours after they arrived. All he wanted was to just relax around on his floaty, not be swept out to the middle of the gigantic lake with no way back..Well, he could swim but those waves didn't look so promising against his mediocre swimming skills, at least if he stayed on the floaty he could stay afloat and not worry about sinking.

But now he had another problem...The sky was starting to get darker by the minute and he wasn't too sure which direction was the way back to shore anymore. It was kinda hard to tell with the waves being so tall and him getting tossed back and forth like a ragdoll on a beach ball wasn't the best feeling in the world, and he was starting to feel like puking. Man....he was starting to get tired of this-

"HELP!! ANYONE?!" Don't ask why he thought it was a good idea to start shouting for a friend who couldn't help him, might've been just a reflex or a hope but it would soon lead to more bad than good...Or would it? "HELP?! HEL-"

A wave chose that exact moment to rear it's ugly head and crash down over the poor human's body, the wind was knocked outta him like a rock slammed into her. Immediately air bubbles surrounded his form as he unceremoniously screamed from the hurtful impact, darkness surrounded his form as the stormy waves above continued to rattle about like some sort of punisher. It was surprisingly....calm in the dark black surrounding him. Almost like the night. Completely silent. A peaceful way to go if she didn't want to die.

It was when he turned and found two pink eyes and a mouth full of teeth staring at him did he scream again.

You know....It's really troubling trying to find some peace somewhere where there's not a lot available just swimming around, so imagine his luck when he stumbled across a seemingly dumb person just floating about in the middle of his territory. Kinda dumb being all the way out here in the middle of the dam storm, but who was he to judge. A human's a human. A quick wave was able to knock whoever the person was over and into the water where he waited. He grumbled just thinking about it... But that thought soon vanished after seeing her face.

UGH- He hated puny fighters. This one wasn't worth the trouble...Not enough courage on her. He also didn't appreciate the bubbles shoved in his face when she screamed again and started kicking up towards the surface. His face scrunched up in annoyance. Did everyone always have to be so rude when they see a gigantic aquatic goat monster looking at them? Oh well. At least he got to do the scaring part he always liked.

Ounce he made it back up through the swaying surface, coughing and spitting out out hislungs, a dark shadow loomed out from under him. In a split second the shadow had bust through the waves with ease. Water splashed over him, almost sending him down under the water again.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU FOOOOOL!!!" His raspy voice boomed over the noise of the waves and wind. "Those who enter my territory are doomed to DIE! Wha- H-HEY!" He flinched back when he yelped and instinctively grabbed onto him to keep from being drowned down by a wave. "HEY! Do you have a death wish! Those who ever as much as touch me are bound to- HEY! STOP DROWNING WHEN IM TRYING TO THREATEN YOU!!"

With a blub sound another wave sent him under. He groaned. Did his enemies ALWAYS have to make things more difficult like this? He stuck his hand back under the waves and a moment later he pulled the shivering, sputtering human back out of the bobbing water. he coughed and spat out some of the salt water, heaving and looking up at him.

".....*sigh* You know what? Screw this. My voice isn't worth some drowned human."

He began turning in the opposite direction and making swimming through the waves look like a breeze. he gave him a confused. "Where-....W-Where are we g-g-going?"

"Im dumping you on the shore. You're not worth the trouble of straining my voice."

Day 3:

IT WAS HOT!!

A lot hotter than what he was really used to, and to be perfectly honest, he didn't enjoy having the burning feeling in his lungs, or the amount of ssweat running down his body, or the heat baring down on himself. What was wrong with enjoying a nice inside inside and relaxing? Maybe cuddled up together in a nice air conditioned room, watching the live action of Romeo and Juliet? That was a beautiful tale is he did say so himself. But Noooo- he just had to go running today of all days on the beach. When the sun was fricking making it almost 80 DEGREES!! He stopped and heaved his lungs out, hands on his knees and gasping for breath like a fish out of water. Soft foosteps  rang out behind him and soon someone stopped next to him. It took a few moments but he eventually looked up into the smiling face of human.

"W-What art you..*wheeze* smiling at?!"

He laughed. "Ralsei, when was the last time you even took a relaxing jog?"

"KRIS?! Running on the beach with fur is too much. C-can’t we just go swimming instead?)

He laughed again and very easily stood on one foot and stretched the other out into a ballet pose. "Ralsei, exercise never hurt anyone. I know I enjoy it.~''

''THAT'S BECAUSE YOU’RE BUILT FOR THIS!! W-With NO fur!! I-I feel horrible! Why did I bake and eat so many cakes!?”

"Oh don't be so cranky." He rolled his eye not paying him any attention. "We still have half a mile before we can start back."

He heard his lover groan behind him and he chuckled again, well the sooner they finished the sooner they could go back. It was just then he heard wheezing sounds behind him and he turned around....and blinked. His boyfriend was no where to be seen. Until he looked down that is and saw a puddle of exhausted ghost monster on the sand.

"RALSEI!!"

Day 4:

*merman Kris braces legs and goes on land to ask Ralsei a question*

The screams of children swarm about the place as he stood outside the building. He never did like the thought of screaming little munchkins running around him, or their dirty little hands grabbing onto him, or sneezing on him-; He shuddered just thinking about the germs. Funny coming from someone who's eaten raw fish, but he was free to not like what he wanted. But, he was here for a different reason. Not for the kids-

"ACK-"

One of the small buggers crashed into his legs while running around. The little girl shook her head before squealing in delight and getting up to run after another child. Playing tag he presumed. 

"Kris?"

He jumped and whirled around into the curious face of the very person he wanted to see...And who he sometimes got mad with. No he didn't like it when he held his hand. Or when he gently kissed him. Or when he smiled and hugged him- He hissed at himself which made him frown and raise a brow.

"Um. Are you ok?"

"NO!...Yes! Im fine. Im fine!"

His crooked smile didn't seem to faze him more and only resulted in more confusion. This wasn't going as he planned was it? Nope! He could see it in his eyes as he looked him up and down. It was pretty rare to see Kris on dry land, with legs, he seemed to despise legs and preferred to sticking to his underwater domain. ….So why was he here in the first place?

"Ok....Um. What're you doing here? I thought you hated land."

"I do!....I- Uh-" His face flushed a light pink, and he mentally cursed himself for stuttering. "I-....C-Came to see you."

"Really?" He nodded and he became a litle redder. Of course, he giggled at the cute sight as soon as it happened and he groaned. Did he always have to respond with his cute little giggles or when- HOLY CRAP! he grabbed his hand! His eyes shined like little gems up at him, and he actually gulped. "That's so nice of you. Did you want something?"

This was it. This was the moment he came for. So of course he opened his mouth-....And a high pitched squeak came out. They froze. A look of abosolute horror coming over his face. he however went wide eyes and gasped. ….Oh no. Not this. He didn't like where this was going- he squealed in glees and immediately grabbed his face.

"THAT WAS SO CUTE!! YOU SOUND JUST LIKE A BABY!!"

His face blew up a bright red and he sputtered. "I-IM NOT A CHILD!!" he cooed and booped his nose. "S-Stop! I didn't come t-t-to be treated like a child!"

he hummed. "Then what did you come here for?"

"I want a date Ralsei! I h-hate it when...you...….." His eyes widened. " D*MMIT!! Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?" he faked innocently batted his eyelashes and giggled once he drowned in the red sea of blush. He was always so easy to fluster like this. So, it was perfectly natural to place a small kiss on his cheek. The result was weird drowning fish noises and him reaching up to try and fail to limply pull his face away from him. he giggled that cursed cute smile. "I'm really honored you came all this way to see me and I'd love to go out with you."

His mouth dropped. "R-Really?!"

he nodded. "But I have to finish work first. Is that ok?";

He nodded silently and he patted his cheek before letting go. A couple children came up to him and wisked him away into a game he didn't understand and he didn't move. Just stand there red faced and silently watching after him...…..He gulped heavily and slowly leaned back up into standing position.

He needed to get better control of his expressions.

Day 5:

*more merman Kris*

What had made him come to this? What lunatic controlling fate made the grand decision of making him fall for such a small weak little thing like him? He would probably never know, but the way he was giggling and holding his very red face right now in his soft little hands. He could always turn around, swim away, and never look back-....but he mustve put some kind of spell on him as he continued to gush at him.;

"I could eat you right know." He gave a small growl, showing on his fangs to give his point. "Know one would know and you always risk yourself by coming you know.''

he smiled. "You won't do that."

His brow raised. "How can you be so sure?"

he smiled wider. "Because your face tells a lot more than you think."

D*M IT ALL TO NEXT HELL!! He cursed himself for being like this, for being so weak and vulnerable around someone who wasn't even a threat to him. What would happen if some danger did come along?! NO! He didn't like the way he looked at him with those big beautiful eyes, or the way he was so patient with his stupid arse, or the way he was always squishing his cheeks in his soft paws and calling him cute- NOPE! NOT AT ALL!! And he definitely didn't spend last night laying awake thinking about how cute and soft he was! Nope! And he definitely didn't hit his head trying to catch him a fish she loved just to see him smile at him-

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

…...Ok. Maybe- But that's a very small maybe.

Day 6:

*even more merman Kris* 

"S-Stop it."

"Why? You're acting like a child."

"Because I don't like physical contact. And I'd like to see you prove me wrong.'' He made a move to pry his hands from his face but that idea was scraped when he felt something small on his face.

OH SWEET MOTHER OF HECK-!! WAS THIS GOATvSERIOUSLY-?! he gave a small kiss on his cheek which he froze at, immediately his face broke out into a watermelon red. His hands were shoved in front of his face as to hide his embarrassment.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH- STOP THAT!!"

She just giggled and gave him another small kiss. More muffled screams followed, before the flustered screaming merman turned around and jumped from the doc red faced still holding his face as Ralsei giggled and waved good bye.

“Bye, Kris. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Day 7:

*ralsei helping Kris with his fear of water*

He shouldn't. He couldn't......HE CAN'T!!

"I can't do this."

The human whimpered out as his red eyes gazed over the body of water that was in front of him. Already he could feel his body sweat and legs wobbling as he stared at it. A small black hand grabbed his making him flinch and look at the smaller demon next to him.

Ralsei blinked his pink eyes at him and smiled. "Oh, come on. It'll be ok." To prove his point, he stepped into the kiddy pool still holding his hand. "See? It's safe and sound."

He shook his head. "I-I don't think t-t-this is a good idea, Ralsei." He gulped down the lump in his throat. "I-I think it would be m-much better if I-I watched..through a window."

Ralsei still didn’t back down as he pulled Kris forwards more and yanked him a bit forwards enough for the human to yelp and freeze when the water came up to his ankles and shuddered at the cool feeling around his feet but managed to smile for Ralsei sake. Making the goat monster smile back. 

“See? I told you it’d be alright”

@krisei-world

[thetriggeredhappy]

19 “This is going to hurt.” Blunt Trauma please!

im just gonna assume you meant 17 because that’s the sentence you tagged on it. here’s some medic/scout content yo (warnings for just so many needles and other various pain-related stuff, as well as drug mention in passing)

17.) “This is going to hurt.”

“This is going to hurt.”

“Ow!”

“I said it was going to hurt.”

“Yeah, and it fuckin’ hurt, so I said ‘ow’. That’s how things hurting works, Doc.”

Medic sighed, eyeing the remaining two dozen needles on the tray, then Scout’s bare back. “Herr Scout, if you are going to complain the entire time, I can go and get a different volunteer,” he said begrudgingly.

“Oh, don’t even worry, I’m gonna complain the entire time,” Scout said, voice slightly muffled from him being facedown on the operating table. “But also I’m pretty sure nobody else is gonna agree and I’m a last resort, so, you’re just gonna have to deal, Doc.”

Medic only considered that for a few moments before picking up another needle.

“So what’d you say this was called, again?” Scout asked, head turning just slightly. “Acu-picture?”

“Acupuncture.”

“And—ow—why do people do this? Because so far this sucks.”

“Oh, plenty of reasons,” Medic said, eyeing the chart he had before him for a few moments before picking up the next needle. “Performing it on this area of the back is supposedly good for…” He squinted, pushing his glasses up a bit. “…Dizziness. Which I understand has been a problem?”

“Uh, yeah, I—ow. Yeah, I think I just need to like, drink more water.”

“Hydration is not the problem, nor blood loss,” Medic said, picking up another needle. “It is something I could feasibly give you medication for, but it is not often I get the chance to practice attempting alternative therapies.”

“What, like what Sniper does on the weekends?”

“Don’t tell me what Herr Sniper may or may not do on the weekends. I would rather continue pretending I don’t know for plausible deniability.”

“Apparently Miss P visited for a bit and did some with him.”

“Please do not tell me what Miss Pauling and Sniper may or may not participate in recreationally so that I can please have plausible deniability,” Medic said, pushing the needle in a bit faster than he’d done previously.

“Ow.”

“Regardless. While that may be a sort of… remedy, for certain problems, that is not what I mean. I was talking about treatments that are not necessarily condoned by the scientific community due only to lack of research despite a consistent trail of evidence pointing to it being effective in certain patients when done correctly, mainly because the treatments stood long before research was nearly as standard and often don’t have single individuals to credit and the community is wildly biased against older remedies. Mainly they’re things that seem strange but are often extremely effective for reasons unknown.”

“Isn’t that like, everything you do?”

Medic paused. “Herr Scout, my experimentation is research,” he said.

“Yeah, but it’s all kinda weird, and painful, and doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it still works anyways. So it’s basically just like architecture.”

“…Acupuncture,” Medic said when he realized what Scout was talking about.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“To be fair, it is not intended to hurt,” Medic said, ignoring the little ‘ow’ Scout said as he pushed in another needle. “There are often interesting sensations, but very little actual pain. The gauges of my needles should be the correct size, I believe I just need more practice.”

“Is that why you cut people open all the time too? For practice?” Scout asked sarcastically, and yelped when Medic flicked one of the needles.

“No. That is research.” Silence between them for a few moments, broken only by Scout mumbling more ‘ow’s. “How has your other treatment been working?”

“My what?”

“The… Koffein, caffeine, the, er, energy drinks.”

“Y’know, it’s—ow—it’s weird,” Scout said. “Because the guys drink coffee, and you European guys drink tea, and it’s always a thing that I hear, like, it’s supposed to wake you up? But it doesn’t wake me up at all. Coffee just makes me kinda wanna throw up and makes my hands shake a lot more, and tea tastes fuckin’ gross because you people have wrong mouths or something—ow! Hey!”

“Hmm?” Medic asked, feigning innocence.

“That one was on purpose!” Scout accused.

“No, no, of course not,” Medic said lightly. “Continue.”

“…Uh, but yeah, I don’t like tea. But the caffeine in a can, that stuff works great. All the making my brain shut up from coffee but none’a the nausea. Keeps me focused, makes me… notice stuff that matters, and not just, like, everything all the time always. And less of the zoning out.” A pause. “Does make my head hurt, though, when I back off of it again on weekends an’ stuff. And makes me sick when I don’t drink it for a while.”

“Hmm. Perhaps easing in and out of drinking it…” Medic mused quietly. “Regardless. Thank you, Herr Scout. This is important research.”

“You don’t gotta call me that, y’know,” Scout said, tilting his head down obligingly when Medic moved it.

“Was?” Medic asked, picking up the chart to look more closely at it.

“Herr Scout. Isn’t that kinda like saying ‘Mister’ or somethin’?”

Medic hesitated for a second. “…Not perfectly, but essentially, yes,” he replied.

“Well, you don’t gotta call me that,” Scout said, wincing hard at the next needle, pushed in carefully near his hair line. “Fuckin’ ow. You can just call me Scout.”

“Why do you say that?” Medic asked, frowning, and consulted the chart again.

“I mean, we’re teammates more than just co-workers. And, hell, I kinda figured some of us guys were… y’know, buddies,” he said, voice getting quiet towards the end. “And you know my real name anyways, it’s in my file. And probably a bunch more stuff about me that none of the guys know. Maybe that anyone knows. So… I dunno. Seems kinda weird to keep being all formal about stuff. Even Spy’s calmed down about it at this point, and that dude’s a total dick.”

Medic considered for a moment. “Perhaps I simply prefer to remain professional,” he said, a little stiffly.

Scout barked a laugh. “What are you, Sniper?” he asked, a little disbelieving. “And even that guy smokes weed on the weekends.”

Medic smacked Scout on the lower back where there were no needles, huffing. “I told you not to tell me about that!” he said, not a little irritated. “Now I will need to address it!”

“Or you can pretend I didn’t say anything,” Scout suggested.

“That would require me trusting you not to tell anyone that I know about it.”

“Of course I wouldn’t,” Scout said, lightly and easily in a way that made Medic have to pause for a few seconds.

“And why should I believe you?” Medic asked next.

“Dude, I literally just said we’re friends maybe two minutes ago,” Scout scoffed, and Medic could practically hear his eyes rolling. “Seriously, are you sure you aren’t the one with the memory problems? Or the attention issues?”

Medic set his jaw, and had to fight hard to keep emotions from welling up in his chest. “My memory is fine,” he said a little stiffly. One more wince from Scout, and his tray was empty. “There. Should be done.”

“Hey, by the way, one more question,” Scout said, trying not to move too much.

“Yes?”

“How come you didn’t ask to do this to the big guy?”

“Higher pain tolerance. I would not know if I was doing things incorrectly,” Medic answered. A pause. To be fair, Scout had been very nice, had had the courage to be almost alarmingly open and honest. He could afford to drop the professionalism, at least for a moment. “And I’ll admit that I find you occasionally entertaining, and enjoy our conversations. Your enthusiasm in what I have to say is admittedly refreshing.”

“Aww,” Scout teased. “Thanks, Doc.”

“Hmm. Clench your teeth, it is time to take these back out.”

“Aw, man.”

[oaf-inactive]

In the boy’s right hand is a jumbled ball of tissue, and he holds it messily in the middle of his face, aiding a nosebleed. And Eddie doesn’t know what to say, so he just doesn’t. He does what he always does when he sees this boy—this mystery boy who refuses to share his name, who disappears with no warning—he stares. (2/2) and pretty much what the entire bathroom part meant!! xx

richie had just gotten done snorting some coke with some drug pals, and got a nosebleed only to be teased by said drug pals for being a ‘lightweight’ lmao. he goes to the bathroom to be alone and fix his mess. his moods go up and down real quick, so he’s left in a bad mood. pissy. so when he sees eddie he feels less happy and more like oh god now i have to deal with trying to keep my distance from him when im like this. ultimately this leaves richie snippy. he’s short and abrupt and quiet with eddie, even in his snide jokes like when eddie says “Sorry. I didn’t know somebody was in here” rich replies with “I’m somebody.”

but richie quickly realizes in eddie’s politeness that he owes him some sort of an explanation. so eddie asks his name. richie gives it to him. it’s quiet and awkward and both of them kinda wish they weren’t there. but then... eddie takes a step toward richie and helps him aid his nosebleed, and it is the most subtle act of kindness. it makes richie think. makes his heartbeat quicken. his lips part. there is so much thought in this simple act that richie is not used to receiving. here is a boy that doesn’t even know richie, and yet he’s helping him... richie thinks that must mean something. but he jokes. richie always goes to jokes (mirroring stan’s confession at the end of the story “Everything is always a fucking joke with him”), “You a nurse or something?” and bouncing off richie’s “I’m somebody” comment, eddie says, “Something like that.”

richie tells eddie to go, and eddie is confused. richie is torn now. he knows he should stay away from eddie. he knew before they even first spoke. and that’s why, in attempt to stay away from eddie, richie left for a few days to snort and shoot up, because he always resorts to drugs in his times of distress. they ended up meeting up at bill’s party. so here richie is, completely and utterly torn. every part of him seems to be saying no but his heart is saying yes. 

then comes richie’s “Stan wouldn’t want you to be talking to me.” in which it is so simply and cleverly introduced that stan and richie do know each other. eddie realizes that stan lied, and he’s confused, because stan is an honest boy. stan has never been anything but kind to everyone, even those he is not particularly fond of. he is polite and puts on a front, a smile. that is stan. so to hear that he doesn’t do the same for richie is unsettling to eddie. and richie’s heartbreaking question of “He never mentioned me?” and he gets mad when eddie admits that, no, stan didn’t mention richie. eddie ponders if he once did when they were younger, but they weren’t so close back then; eddie only started visiting once eddie’s father died. that’s when him and stan grew closer. when there wasn’t such a distance between them. 

“You don’t wanna get mixed up with me” richie is so desperately trying to pull away, trying to tell eddie to stay back because he knows its wrong. knows it would piss stan off. push him over the edge. but richie wants eddie. he really does. all richie is used to is wanting. he wants to be wanted back. and eddie seems like he may. this is the scene in which we see richie try to pull back from his advances. this is his last try before he becomes stupid with his infatuation. and he secretly swoons at eddie’s reply.. “Are you really trying to tell me what I want?” this is the first time they have a ‘real’ conversation. the real stuff is exchanged here. in wanting looks and flirtatious confessions. this is the scene richie goes from thinking eddie is just a cute boy to i think i want to be with him. and eddie is left curious when he leaves. he is attracted to richie’s mystery and his charm and his jokes. he wants to make something of this.

[pxgtails]

KRIS CLARITY’S RP PLOTTING CHEAT-SHEET!

Want new-and-exciting plots for your character? Long to reach out to more of your followers, but don’t know where to start? Fear not! Fill out this form and give your RP partners both present and future all the of juicy jumping off points they need to help you get your characters acquainted.

Be sure to tag the players whose characters YOU want more cues to interact with, and repost, don’t reblog! Feel free to add or remove sections as you see fit. Template here.

Mun name: Butts! OOC Contact: Tumblr IM is usually the best way to reach me! I also have s.kype and d.iscord, and mutuals are free to ask for it!

Who the heck is my muse anyway:

That pipsqueak who squashed Team Rocket’s attempted uprising in Johto a few years back — and went on from that to earn the title of the LEAGUE CHAMPION  ( though she’s still in training! )  and also complete the NATIONAL POKéDEX. 

Points of interest:

She runs a one-man capturing business, branding herself as ‘Kris Clarity, Capturer Extraordinaire.’ It’s actually become wildly popular  ( having a POKéMON ‘caught by the Capturer Extraordinaire’ is slowly becoming a status symbol! )  and so odds are, if you know of Kris Clarity, you probably know of her business.

She’s LOUD. She talks at the same decibel that some people raise their voice to — it’s not intentional, but that doesn’t make the reality of her volume any less genuine.

SUICUNE tends to never be far from Kris; if the Legendary Beast is spotted, odds are Kris isn’t far behind  ( and vice-versa! )

Recently, she’s taken to having her seventeen salandit out of their POKéBALLS when she’s resting. The scent that comes with them would be enough to turn anyone’s head — as well as most likely disorient them.

She is a total sucker for space, and can often be found stargazing on clear nights. It’s the quietest you’ll ever find her!

She’ll get in a fistfight with just about anyone and anything that moves. Odds are, she’s either just finished fighting someone, is currently fighting someone, or is going to fight someone very very soon.

Kris is very afraid of birds. The larger the bird, the worse-off she is. Birds her size or larger tend to leave her paralyzed with fear.

She’s very vocal about the fact that she doesn’t believe in psychics. This stems from the fact that she’s ESP-deaf, meaning that any and all attempts to telepathically communicate with her  ( as well as several other psychic abilities )  are rendered moot.

She very loudly dislikes Sinnoh, and she’s sure to inform everyone who mentions ‘Sinnoh’ to her of exactly this fact.

Characters with odd-coloured hair and/or odd-coloured eyes immediately garner her interest. As someone with bright blue gravity defying-hair, she automatically assumes that everyone else faced just as much hardship about their appearance as she did. Anticipate her deciding to be the defense force that character needs!

She thinks capes are the coolest thing on the planet. If you’re wearing a cape, good luck.

What they’ve been up to recently:

She’s been trying — and failing — to mega evolve her absolute brute of a houndoom named Blue. She has both the Keystone and the Houndoomite, but something just isn’t working. 

She’s always been very infatuated with quite a few people — but recently, she’s been increasingly preoccupied with what she considers ‘depraved thoughts’ of wanting to hold their hands and such.

While on the topic of Ghetsis — she’s slowly being wrapped around his finger  “proving herself useful” to him. Thus, between her thing with Ghetsis and assisting her cousin in his labwork, she’s become somewhat integrated with Team Plasma.

She’s coming up on her big 1000th personal capture — and she’s aspiring to catch a jirachi to commemorate the occasion. So she’s been pouring a lot of her free-time into researching them.

Outside of the POKéMON universe, Kris has been looking for new people to buy her food friends. She can’t very well tell people that she’s from a universe vastly different from their own, so she’s always very vague about where she’s from and why she needs to crash on your couch for the night.

Where to find them:

JOHTO.     It’s her home turf, after all! Her position as Champion-in-Training keeps her coming back home on a regular basis. Especially look for her in Olivine City, Azalea Town, Goldenrod City, near the Indigo Plateau, and the Ruins of Alph!

HOENN.     Her best friend in the universe lives there, so of course she takes every opportunity she can to spend time in this region — particularly around Mossdeep, and especially around the Space Center!

UNOVA.     It’s where her cousin and Team Plasma are located, so of course she ends up spending quite a bit of time there. Besides — the hustle and bustle of Castelia City and Nimbasa City makes Goldenrod look like some sort of hick town, and Kris loves it!

ALOLA.     As someone who loves the sun and summer, Alola is her new favourite place to be during the colder months.

MT. SILVER.     She’s a die-hard Red enthusiast, after all. She’s set up a “base camp” in the abandoned POKéMON CENTER at the base of it. She does what she can to keep it operational, in case Red ever needs it.

JUST ABOUT ANYWHERE WITH POKéMON, REALLY.     She’s the Capturer Extraordinaire — if she’s not capturing for her own leisure, she’s capturing for commission. This takes her to many out-there locations!

Current plans:

She will eventually manage to mega-evolve her houndoom. But she’s going to need some help, first. And a lot of help after.

Things with Yuri will come tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down. Rest in pieces Space Crew B’]

I mostly play things by ear! Kris’ story is ever-fluid and ever-changing, so hit me up with any ideas you might have!

Desired interactions:

More friends!     Or just positive interactions in general — I love writing negative and angry interactions, but variety is the spice of life! Kris is a little abrasive, but she’ll also bend over backwards for you.

Someone to talk to her about her crush habits!     Whether it’s ‘you need to stop crushing on every pretty guy meet’ or ‘you need to understand that when people say they’re gay, it means that they’re gay and no amount of pushing is going to change that’ or ‘wanting to hold hands is okay and a natural human instinct, don’t feel bad about it’ or something else entirely — this girl needs help.

A villain who crushes on her!     Bonus points if it’s a Rocket.

More unhealthy relationships!     Kris is an easily-manipulated girl with a nigh-on palpable desperation for validation. She’s headstrong and impulsive and vehemently believes that everyone has only the best intentions! This is a very dangerous combination of traits and I’d love for people to capitalize on them to take advantage of her!

People who try and get to know her!     The real her — not ‘Kris Clarity, Capturer Extraordinaire,’ but just Kris. She has an astoundingly difficult time thinking about herself as a person, and not a pop culture icon.

More people flirting with her / teasing her!     Because I can never get enough of that to be honest.

Offered interactions:

Need a POKéMON captured? Kris Clarity’s your girl! On top of offering to capture just about any POKéMON you could ask for, she’s also become a big-enough name that even without knowing her personally, she could very easily be the person you end up going to.

Need your muse beaten up? Look no further! Kris practically speaks fisticuffs as a second language; she’ll throw a punch as her first resort, rather than her last. A lot of the time she won’t even realize that she’s being too rough until after the fact.

Need someone to stick up for your muse? Kris’ll do it! If your muse is getting bullied or harassed, Kris is very likely to jump in to defend them — even if they’ve never met! She fashions herself ‘a hero of the people.’ after all.

Need a rival? Kris loves rivals, and so do I! Whether they’re friendly or very very unfriendly, Kris will be competitive about nearly everything.

Need someone to manipulate? As stated earlier, Kris is obscenely easy to influence, and is also a very powerful person to have on your side.

Current open post/s:

Here’s my open tag and my status tag! I don’t have an expiration date on those, so feel free to scroll through and respond to anything that tickles your fancy!

Anything else?:

Not that I can think of! I just want to emphasize that mun =/= muse, so while Kris may come across as intense and overbearing, I like to think I’m a little more amiable!

Tagged by: @bandagedbandit literally nine months ago klashsklha

Tagging: @cosmonucleic @desbearer @lamentis @rationalclover @fukainoumi @rebursting @blancowls @soarleader @gbplayer @starmarkcd @starblend @carnivigorous @shadyxdealings @craniumaniac @watterlogged @undinaes @telekinetiq @rocketbcss @glitchborn @agentmansley look it’s been nine months i don’t remember who’s done this and who hasn’t... ... ... IF I DIDN’T TAG YOU AND YOU WANT TO GIVE THIS A SHOT, PLEASE DO!! this is a wonderful way to open yourself up to new interactions!!

[48hoursagain]

All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone. what else can i do. im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself. but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit. polemic yelp review of american heath care system: "After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused. After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head. 3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing. I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while. I had been reaching out Calling. Emailing. After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today. I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that. I didn't know what else to do. What else are you supposed to do. For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room. Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's. Vomiting children. Bleeding Fingers. Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there. Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern. Their broken humilated spouse at their side. I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility. Surrending my freedom. Surrender of my routines. After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen. Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls. Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there. One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night. Not sure what that was about. Empty though. A bed and a chair. Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting. You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot. I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated. I sat and waited in my gown. Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders. I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense. I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense. I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore. This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard. Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions: "Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?" No. No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die. No. No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long. wrong answer. I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back. Back right where I started. Nobody is gonna help me. Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit. Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating. By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness. Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent . Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms. On hurting yourself: This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up. On hurting someone else: This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head. I've read old yeller. They dont care. Neither do I. boo hoo. Conversely: lock them in a room and keep them safe. Is this really that hard? "Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?" How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on: "Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me" Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind. It creates that understanding. In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to. even if that wasn't a real compulsion. a last resort. This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more. "well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser". I'll get better one day. Not today. Maybe I'll have fingers. Maybe I won't." thanks for the well wishes. i'm fine. i'm just angry. i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life. i hate that you are dealing with this.

[alinkbetweenportraits]

(First off I dropped the ball and because I was so tired I accidentally deleted the ask. The good news is I took a screenshot earlier to show a friend so she could translate it for me in my moment of stupid. Sorry about that.)

How to let go of an RP Partner

RPers are people. And it’s a fact of life that no matter how close you are to someone, eventually things are going to change. Sometimes they get bored, sometimes they lose the muse, sometimes the relationship conditions change between partners, sometimes people get married, have kids, find a job, and just move on from the RPing scene. Fuck man, some of my past RP friends passed away for various reasons. This is usually why I tell people not to take their partners for granted. Someday it’s going to end and you’ll at least want to end it on the best note possible. In your case, however, it doesn’t sound like you’re going to get that anymore if you keep pestering them. To be frank, you’re going to make them regret their decision if you keep pushing them into RPing with you.

But there’s good news in all of this. Things aren’t entirely hopeless for you or anyone who really wants things to change for the better. Assuming you’re a rational adult that’s just stuck in a really distressing situation, here’s usually the things I tell people to do. 

1.) Recognize where it went wrong. And really, really think about this one. In your case, do you feel like utter shit for what you did to your friend? Do you regret hurting them? Good. Yeah, I know, that’s a bitchy thing to say, But it’s the truth. Feeling like this is a critical step to understanding your faults and making a real change. If you want things to get better in the future, you can’t fall for the same mistakes you made before. You have to be willing to listen and take criticism better if you want to hope for any relief. Not everyone ends on a bitter note, though. Maybe they just don’t feel the character anymore or their situation changed, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s RPing. You shouldn’t need a grand excuse to not play along. Your friend most likely doesn’t hate you. If she was kind enough to offer forgiveness after an apology, chances are she wants to let go just as much as you. But she may just need some space to heal and manage on her own. This is a critical time for RPers who have had particularly jarring instances like this. Please try to understand that sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing at all. The damage is done and unfortunately, you can’t take it back.

2.) Show you respect their decision to be left alone and work to detach yourself. When we’re particularly close to an RP partner or group, we find it hard to move on and write on our own accord. You may have headcanons, memories, personal work, even entire characters that revolve around the other. After some time, it becomes harder and harder to let go. This is the point where I usually recommend people start cleaning up. Take some time to tear things down and build yourself back up. If you have head canons that revolve around that person, try to adjust it so the character stands on their own. Your character is still a character even if they were made to know the other. They’re still entirely capable of being their own unique individual. Do you have any art or original work from the other person featured on your blog? Store it all away in a file on your computer (preferably a separate flashdrive) and try to remove what you can on your blog. Stow it away in a place where you won’t instantly run into it the moment you sit on your computer or open your files. Try taking some time to look at your blog and characters and see if it’s unique to you and you alone. Whatever you do, don’t post any more of the other person’s material from here on out. This will only cause more strife in the future. Nobody will blame you for using face claims, youtube playlists, or anything instant access if it means saving your mental health. 

But Clara! Why would I save these things if they make me feel so awful? Isn’t that kind of creepy and masochistic?

Well, that depends. Of course, not all memories are worth saving. If there are things you feel are personal attacks to your character, such as call out posts, public statements, or anything you feel is humiliating to your self esteem or the other person in question, it’s best to leave these things in the trash. It’s also not healthy to constantly look back and post about it, lest you turn your RP blog into a stalker’s shrine. However, there’s a positive kind of emotional pain, one that typically comes with grief. Speaking from personal experience and watching people go through the same mess, it usually takes about a month to three months to really feel the effects of recovery after having to lose an RP partner. But time depends on your relationship with the other, how close you were with them, and how the relationship ended. When done on a healthy level, it’s okay to recall where you and your muse learned how to become better people together. There’s no shame in acknowledging your mistakes in the past so long as your present self understands this and is willing to learn from it. It’s okay to feel sad, hurt, or lonely. Even if people dismiss it as just a game, RPing can become very personal between people.

Cutting off people entirely is something I only suggest as a last resort in order to protect yourself and people around you. Doing this will not ease the grief process. If anything, it proves to make things far more complicated and difficult. Once you start, it’s something that’s very difficult to take back. I only suggest doing this if you feel the following:

- You have been emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually exploited by your last RP partner. 

- You feel that this person will try to reach out to you outside of the internet.

- You feel this person puts yourself and everyone around you at risk both physically and emotionally.

- This person admits to actively participating in harmful and/or illegal activities that could get you hurt as a result.

- This person is blackmailing you and threatens to publicly release this private information unless you comply to their demands.

3.) Reach out to new RPers. This is a very scary step for a lot of people, especially if you don’t find yourself very good at socializing and just went through a time where you got a good look at the worst in yourself. But take comfort in knowing that if you realize where you dropped the ball in the last relationship and took steps to improve, you’re better than ever. And if you made a friendship that memorable as your past self, why can’t you do it again? Often times we feel we need to put up a front in order to meet new people and appeal to a certain audience. However, nothing is more personal and intimate than sharing your writing, art, or ideas with other people. It’s important to be honest with the other person and yourself before you can establish any sort of genuine connection. 

It’s okay to message or IM someone asking for an RP. Be upfront, but not bossy. Ask if it’s okay with them to give the idea a shot. Listen to what the other has to say. If you see any streaming events or discord chat rooms, try to join in and introduce yourself politely while also asking for names. Know that very rarely do opportunities simply fall on your lap conveniently and that a majority of RPers are self admitted dorks who just want to have fun, too. Whatever you do, though, don’t start clinging to these RPers for emotional support on the first day. This can be emotionally exhausting and put a ton of unnecessary pressure on another. You must also learn how to manage on your own.

4.) Never forget that as bad as it gets, it’s not the end. Let me tell you a story. My last RP group went to shit really fast. People didn’t trust one another, a whole group became divided, and because the game didn’t allow an equal balance between high experience and new RPers, it wasn’t rare for people to start abusing their power, making it nearly impossible for more timid and new players to start joining. Since I was new, it was incredibly frustrating to play the game. Add to the fact that a lot of these guys were red blooded authors (some of whom already published or are working on books), it wasn’t very welcoming to someone who was young and mostly dicked around in private IM RPs. Needless to say, I was way out of my league. Rules were broken or bent, and I became so frustrated with people stopping and correcting me every step of the way but ignoring their own rules as the game moved on. RPing made me severely anxious, and I’ve had my OCs verbally ripped to shreds right in front of my eyes. I hated going online and my self esteem and overall mental and physical health plummeted to levels I didn’t think were possible. I won’t act like I’m a victim, though. Because I was angry I did things to intentionally hurt other people. I lashed out a lot, and chances are I did more damage than was necessary even considering what had happened at the time. So those same group of people. Where are they now?

We chill out, talk about cartoons, and gush about our OCs or favorite characters.

Yeah. After all the shitty things that happened, we managed to get along again, though this time I avoid the game itself and just RP freestyle. So what does this mean for you? It means that relationships are bound to change, but just because someone doesn’t want to RP anymore doesn’t also mean time can’t make a big impact. Maybe you’ll learn to stand on your own two feet having met new RPers and friends, maybe you and your partner wouldn’t mind at least being on friendlier terms again. It’s hard to say what will happen in the future, but you must always remember you are never defined by your past. What matters is did you learn anything from your mistake and how you decide to act on your newfound wisdom. 

[drippeddaily]

Album of the Year #5: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane) - volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Album of the Year #5: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane) - volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)

Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Label: Self-Released

Release Date: January 29, 2017

Listen:

YouTube

Spotify

Bandcamp

Apple Music

Background

Bedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.

After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”

Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:

I keep getting emails from people.

I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.

All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.

what else can i do.

im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.

but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.

polemic yelp review of american heath care system:

"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.

After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.

3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.

I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.

I had been reaching out

Calling.

Emailing.

After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.

I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.

I didn't know what else to do.

What else are you supposed to do.

For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.

Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.

Vomiting children.

Bleeding Fingers.

Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.

Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.

Their broken humilated spouse at their side.

I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.

Surrending my freedom.

Surrender of my routines.

After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.

Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.

Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.

One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.

Not sure what that was about.

Empty though.

A bed and a chair.

Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.

You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.

I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.

I sat and waited in my gown.

Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.

I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.

I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.

I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.

This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.

Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:

"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"

No.

No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.

No.

No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.

wrong answer.

I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.

Back right where I started.

Nobody is gonna help me.

Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.

Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.

By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.

Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .

Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.

On hurting yourself:

This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.

On hurting someone else:

This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.

I've read old yeller.

They dont care. Neither do I.

boo hoo.

Conversely:

lock them in a room and keep them safe.

Is this really that hard?

"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"

How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:

"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"

Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.

It creates that understanding.

In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.

even if that wasn't a real compulsion.

a last resort.

This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more.

"well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".

I'll get better one day.

Not today.

Maybe I'll have fingers.

Maybe I won't."

thanks for the well wishes.

i'm fine.

i'm just angry.

i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.

i hate that you are dealing with this.

Review

I don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.

Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.

The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”

This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”

In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.

While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.

Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.

This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”

The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.

And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.

volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:

I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.

Favorite Lyrics

Crouched down by the tree at his neighbors

He liked the way the bark ripped off like paper

He pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasers

Every step he took turned earth into craters

Little brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuff

Bowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks

“man wearing a helmet”

Waking up in situations

Feeling like I'm living in suspended animation

Guess I'm still sober on occasion

And that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation

“stoop lights”

I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going in

Just shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friend

I don’t want to stretch you more than you extend

I don’t want to spit in the hand that you lend

I did it to myself, I get what I deserve

Thoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerve

I’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt but

I just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth

“stoop lights”

Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a scream

Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green

Bashful baby boy, so distracted by my toys

Rode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, Illinois

On a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegrates

The only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate

“haze of interference”

You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madness

You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?

“haze of interference”

If I was glass I'd revert back to sand

Scattered through the sea, I could pass through your hands

None of this will happen, nothing will ever

The things that I believe can never ever happen

I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall

Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all

“haze of interference”

Talking Points

How does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?

What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?

What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?

I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?

And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?

Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.Label: Self-ReleasedRelease Date: January 29, 2017Listen:YouTubeSpotifyBandcampApple MusicBackgroundBedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:I keep getting emails from people.I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.what else can i do.im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.polemic yelp review of american heath care system:"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.I had been reaching outCalling.Emailing.After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.I didn't know what else to do.What else are you supposed to do.For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.Vomiting children.Bleeding Fingers.Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.Their broken humilated spouse at their side.I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.Surrending my freedom.Surrender of my routines.After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.Not sure what that was about.Empty though.A bed and a chair.Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.I sat and waited in my gown.Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"No.No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.No.No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.wrong answer.I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.Back right where I started.Nobody is gonna help me.Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.On hurting yourself:This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.On hurting someone else:This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.I've read old yeller.They dont care. Neither do I.boo hoo.Conversely:lock them in a room and keep them safe.Is this really that hard?"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.It creates that understanding.In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.even if that wasn't a real compulsion.a last resort.This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more."well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".I'll get better one day.Not today.Maybe I'll have fingers.Maybe I won't."thanks for the well wishes.i'm fine.i'm just angry.i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.i hate that you are dealing with this.ReviewI don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.Favorite LyricsCrouched down by the tree at his neighborsHe liked the way the bark ripped off like paperHe pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasersEvery step he took turned earth into cratersLittle brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuffBowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks“man wearing a helmet”Waking up in situationsFeeling like I'm living in suspended animationGuess I'm still sober on occasionAnd that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation“stoop lights”I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going inJust shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friendI don’t want to stretch you more than you extendI don’t want to spit in the hand that you lendI did it to myself, I get what I deserveThoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerveI’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt butI just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth“stoop lights”Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a screamGreener on the other side, how about nothing's greenBashful baby boy, so distracted by my toysRode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, IllinoisOn a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegratesThe only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate“haze of interference”You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madnessYou're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?“haze of interference”If I was glass I'd revert back to sandScattered through the sea, I could pass through your handsNone of this will happen, nothing will everThe things that I believe can never ever happenI'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wallPick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all“haze of interference”Talking PointsHow does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.