#im glad i decided to fight my general anxiety about being out

[sundogscoops]

YALL i went to a semi secret trans town hall and it was AMAZING. There were so many cool speakers there and more trans people in one place I've ever seen omfg there was direct access to healthcare providers and i got TWO new binders for free im 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭 they had some kids from the youth center near by draw us supportive little doodles and I will hold these things close to my heart forever

a part of my soul feels legit healed

[obeiii-mee]

Hi! Im new to your page and i love your writing 💕 i have a request for demon brothers headcanons on how they treat MC after realizing they get anxiety from things like yelling/loud abrupt noises/ things like that? For example, they flinch, get quiet, or start fidgeting? Thank you!!!

Aww, thank you so much. That means a lot to me and I’m really glad you like my writing considering I have such a chaotic style lmao. Also, welcome to this mess of a blog. We give off ‘cult’ vibes but at least we have hot, fictional demons to make up for that.This was super sweet because I know for a fact every single one of them would be very understanding of MC’s anxiety of anything.

Enjoy!

———————————————————————

The Brothers with an MC that gets anxiety from loud/abrupt noises:

Lucifer:

-He may not get anxiety from it, but Lucifer definitely prefers a quiet atmosphere/environment where he can focus on his work

-Which makes living with his brothers a living nightmare because they don’t have the capability to shut the fuck up

-That being said, he catches on rather quickly that you do not feel comfortable around loud noises in general

-There’s a limit to what he can do but every time you feel like you need a bit of peace and quiet, know that you are more than welcomed into his office at any time of the day. Even if he isn’t there

-He definitely prioritises your mental as well as your physical well being seeing as living with demons can have a massive effect on your sanity

-He’s not judgemental about it either because, while he doesn’t understand why loud noises may cause you to be so anxious, he understands that humans are built differently to demons

-Lucifer has no chill at times and will tell all of his brothers off every time they make a big scene, whether in public or private

-He can be a tad overprotective at times but he means really well, especially if he sees you’ve gotten oddly silent for the past few minutes or has caught wind of you fidgeting during dinner

-I don’t know how much I stressed so far about the observation skills this man has but I will keep doing, he can spot you flinching at loud noises from a mile away

Mammon:

-I believe that he can read people really well and can recognise when a person is feeling a certain way

-But he’s still a complete dumbass so he might still miss a few clues hidden in your mannerisms

-Like, he realises you’re uncomfortable but he doesn’t understand the degree of it or why it exists

-You’ll have to be blunt about it and tell him about your deal with loud noises because otherwise he will be stressing about it for weeks on end

-Dating him as a result of your anxiety over loud noises can prove to be...difficult

-He’s a very boisterous and obnoxious being, everytime a particular emotion of his flares up, he gets significantly noisier

-Whenever he enters the room you happen to be in, you’re forced to cover your ears and flinch because he has a way of announcing his presence

-But he tries so incredibly hard to act calmer around you and he so hates it when he fails to do so because he knows how uncomfortable you get as a result of him screaming like an idiot

-His brothers usually blame him when you start fidgeting because they assume he’s the cause of your rising anxiety and he started to believe it as well

-He sees that look on your face and he is just gutted

-He is ready to get on his knees and start apologising profusely until you forgive him for being such a noisy bastard

-The times other things/people are the cause of you going weirdly quiet, he will use his threatening tactics

-“Listen ‘ere, you’re makin’ my human uncomfortable so if you don’t shut the fuck up, I won’t let you see the light of day again. Do ya hear me?!?!”

-He says to the godfather clock when the sound of it striking midnight startled you

Levi:

-He 100% understands

-He hates loud noises as well and they usually make him scamper back to his room lol a rat in hiding

-Levi is slightly more immune to them however seeing as his brothers do have a habit of raising their voices all the time

-But do not worry, human, for he will protect his Henry from the annoying sounds people in general make at the cost of his life

-Take shelter in his room, please

-He loves having you in there and usually you only have the noise of video games in the background

-If you’re there and an anime he’s watching is getting too loud, he will turn it down for you ahead of time

-Sometimes, he can be as noisy as his brothers, especially when he rages at one of his games

-Bu he’s so quick to shut up once he realises you’re there

-And then, like Mammon, would start apologising for being not only an ugly otaku but an obnoxious one at that

-So y’all end up comforting and cuddling each other because.....uh....mutual hatred for loud things?

-Also, he would decapitate his brothers for you if they crossed a line (like he’s not really a Yandere but he’s a demon with demonic instincts to protect I guess)

Satan:

-Much like his father eldest brother, Satan also prefers silence in general

-After all, it’s a lot easier to read when his brothers aren’t there to muck about the place and make too much noise

-Humans are very different to demons, especially psychologically speaking and he understand that

-That’s why he doesn’t question it when you follow him into the library to seek refugee from his siblings

-If anything, he’s rather happy he gets to spend some time with you so the two of you sit in silence, each of you doing your own separate thing

-He knows if something is bothering you again, he can probably notice you suddenly start fidgeting in public

-He’s very cautious with you when you are in this state as he deems you are at your most vulnerable

-One time, a teacher at RAD raised his voice too high while scolding you for not paying attention and that earned an involuntary flinch from you

-That guy was officially on Satan’s shit list from then on, just so ya know

-Overall, he’s very sweet and patient with you and absolutely does not mind spending an entire day with you indoors away from loud noises

Asmo:

-He has no problem with loud noises whatsoever

-If anything, he loves being in crowded public places like The Fall, since partying and socialising is one of his many talents

-Not to mention, he’s so used to own family being so loud it just doesn’t affect him that much

-However, when you first arrived and he noticed just how badly you reacted to loud noises, he started avoiding things like clubbing as if it were the plague every time he hanged out with you

-Asmo needs social contact but he is more than willing to spend time indoors with you if it makes you feel better

-Or going out shopping in a relatively quiet shopping centre

-I mean, getting his nails done with you by his side sounds absolutely amazing to him

-So as much as he loves making noises and spending time in rowdy places, he’s always going to make an exception with you

-Always

Beel:

-Beel is unbothered by noise

-Sure, he does like it better when his brothers aren’t fighting and things are peaceful around the house

-But, he’s not fazed by yelling, loud music, heavy things falling and thudding against the ground etc.

-He picks up on your anxiety riddled gestures the first time Lucifer has a go at his brothers in front of you

-Because you started fidgeting like crazy and in that moment he was the only one that saw it

-So Beel grabbed your hand and led you outside of the room and Lucifer was so caught up in the moment he didn’t even realise it

-Probably, maybe he just let it go

-Basically, Beel decides that he shall protect you, the tiny human in comparison with him, from any loud noises that might startle you

-He will do it, do not test him

-One time, Mammon was screaming because he was chased by the witches and it made you flinch enough for Beel to see

-A couple hours later, Mammon disappears completely and shows up at your door, looking absolutely traumatised but genuinely apologetic and says sorry

-Sometimes people forget Beel is a demon

Belphie:

-I’m gonna make a wild assumption and presume that if you are vulnerable to loud noises, you are very likely a light sleeper

-If that is the case, (apologies if you’re not) then Belphie would be very quick to notice because a lot of shit goes down at night time and most of the time, it’s loud

-Belphie doesn’t have a problem with it, he can sleep through anything, even his brothers and especially Lucifer

-But he definitely notices if you aren’t cuddled up to him any more, even if he was asleep, because you sat up in bed suddenly at a random noise at 3am

-Note: That was Asmo sneaking back into the house trying to be as quite as possible but tripping and breaking a window

-“You’ll have to get used to that. My brothers are idiots, they don’t know when to be silent.”

-He prefers quiet places like the attic so he can actually sleep, but again, could do so either way so it doesn’t matter to him

-But he is going to be...let’s say ...upset.... if you were to wake up from a nap session because of someone something

-“Make one more sound and I’ll rip your tongue out.”

-Even when you aren’t napping, he gets very angry when people get unnecessarily loud, especially with you reaction

-But that just gives him an opportunity to bring you to the attic or something so the two of you can actually chill by yourselves for a chance

-Beel is invited obviously, but Belphie is just as happy to be left by himself with you

-Ironic how much his feelings for you have changed, huh?

————————————

So I really finished this by the end of the week. Hope this is actually some good because I spent all of my brain cells on an another giant request I’m working and the rest were used to write this. Thank you for sending me requests though guys! Now every time I get bored I can just answer your asks. Have a nice Monday!

Al~

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

Yo, so I flew through Wrong Number, Asshole (which is 😙👌) and I thought his quirk going off over the phone was so cute. But do you think he’d be insecure about it??? Like about holding hands or trying to keep it together if his s/o says something embarrassing? And what else do you think would he be embarrassed about with s/o?

omg tysm!!! i love writing that story so much so i’m glad u enjoy it!!! we do love a good soulmate au here hehe

aNd wow what a good ask thank u for this im obsessed with it and this is gonna be soooo long omg soz

-okay so first. yes. 100,, 10000% embarrassed about it. he feels like he should have his shit together with his quirk since it’s what Bakugou’s so proud of,,,, and like that’s mostly true???

-except i personally hc that his quirk also ties into intense emotion the same way regular sweating does,,, like, if he feels rlly strongly about something, instead of normal sweating it’s just straight nitroglycerin. and he has to like actively learn how to get a handle on it as he grows too!! so like anxiety sweating? sure he’s got it under control, been there done that. scared sweating?? only gets scared in battle and he’s already exploding things by then so its all good. but love???

-oml has no iDEA how to handle it!! i fully believe bakugou’s idiotic mad brain doesn’t fall easy, but when he does , he falls hARD. so lets say he has a major major crush for the first time ever, and he’s just sweating everywhere and his skin feels like it’s on fire - mans just pops. like a bacon griddle. not full on explosions bc he’s not actively setting them off ,, but if u do something cute, something that gets his heart racing just right he’ll pop

-i kinda imagine it’s bc Bakugou can’t understand what he’s feeling bc he’s a big dumb angry person so instead of just accepting his crush he’s like “oh. my palms are exploding by themselves. and i think about s/o constantly. huh. both things at the same time must mean i want to fight them- yeah that’s it. i just wanna fight ‘em real bad.” which only leads to more little explosions.

-pLeasE heLP hIm

-but anyways, you better not say a sinGle thing about this if u see it or hear it. bc man’s is not one to be embarrassed without putting up a fight,,, and this is about explosions , something he knows,,, so he’ll be like “yeah? wanna fuckin’ make fun of me, huh? i’ll show u what to fuckin’ make fun of!” and then just decide to set off a close range explosion in his hands or blow something near u up to high hell

-what can i say, he’s an idiot??

-congratulate katsuki on the explosion tho,, tell him it was really big and scary and thats when you’ll get him reaLLY embarrassed and keep him embarrassed

-speaking of hand holding tho,, he’ll be super nervous to try at first. like he doesn’t want u to end up feeling the little pops bc you’ll ask and then he’ll have to embarrassed and explain and he just isn’t a fan of that idea alright?? quickly comes to realize tho, as he experiences it, that if you hold his hand you’ll actually smother the little explosions??? like just- nothing will happen bc there’s not enough oxygen for anything to combust unless he makes it combust. which he won’t. obviously.

-oooO and here’s sum other “embarrassing” things he does that you’re ~not allowed~ to comment on

will stare in private. just generally zone out and stare at you- don’t say anything tho!!! bc otherwise he’ll get all huffy and “what the hell are you even makin’ that stupid shit up for! I’d never be caught dead starin’ at an idiot like you” - all said while still simultaneously staring at you.

tries to impress you. like if other people are around that he think u might like, he’ll challenge them to like weird physical feats or intelligence tests or he even somehow turns telling jokes into a competition??? and he’s so competitive it’s obvious too, but u can’t say anything about it. just let him express his love through borderline violence and victory lust ig bc there’s pretty much no stopping him

will cook food for you. don’t comment on how good it tastes tho bc for some reason he finds how much he wants to take care of u majORLY embarrassing

being physically affectionate. man’s almost never grows the balls to initiate hugs or hand-holding or cuddling bc he finds it mega embarrassing to be needy so if he does?? and then you make a joke like “oh, you’re so clingy today, huh” ?? man’s will throw u away from him and never touch u again unless u ask, so just don’t say anything. pleASE

remembering small details. Bakugou’s actually pretty smart and if he likes u then he actually listens to what you have to say,,, this means he’ll remember 3 weeks ago when u said u had a test that day, and ask u about it when he sees u- don’t say any “oh! im suprised u remembered!’ or anything tho,, he’ll get huffy

-and finally, here is a lil list, as a bonus just for u my love, of normal person behaviors that you do that ??somehow?? embarrass immature and emotionally-stunted bakugou katsuki:))

If he sees you do anything embarrassing like trip, or drop food on yourself, or swallow a drink the wrong way and end up coughing, etc.,, if it was literally anyone else Bakugou would just laugh, loudly, bc he’s an ass,, but ur not just anyone else. ur his s/o and suddenly seeing you do that stuff feels so intimate!! esp bc he would’ve never even seen if in the first place if he wasnt paying so much attention to u!!!

saying hi to him first when he’s with other people. like, example, lets say he’s with the bakusquad and they’re just all just hanging out in the common room, right,, so u walk in, see them all sitting there and wave, but u say “Hi bakugou, hi guys!” just bc u were excited to see him. man’s will go rED SO FAST AND HIDE HIS FACE

bending down to tie your shoes. no explanation needed- he’s a guy.

if you go to the store and ask him if he needs anything. it’s literally so simple but for some reason his heart just seizes?? like?? ur thinking about him the same way he thinks about u all the time???? and ur concerned enough to get him something if he needs it??? please he’s goNe, just a whole-ass pile of blushing

if you’re sitting in a group and you look at him everytime something funny is said. bc ofc he’s already going to be looking at u to see ur reaction, so when ur eyes meet and you’re laughing and smiling bakugou just gets so flustered!!!

wearing an outfit he knows nobody else has seen before. this could be new clothes, his clothes, pajamas, old clothes u wouldn’t wear in public, even halloween costumes before a party???- point is, if Bakugou knows nobody else has seen you like that, and only he gets to?? boy is sO SOFT and embarrassed about it

tysm again!! this was such a fun ask!!!! <333

[peachcitt]

I've seen a lot of people saying that rot was BAD, what is your opinion?

OH IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED

like most people (im sure) after finishing rise of the titans, after wiping up my tears i went to the rot tag to see maybe some gifs or something. you know, make myself cry a little more. instead, i found a bunch of people saying how much they hated the ending, how it was as terrible as some of the worst big finale bombs (endgame, game of thrones, etc) and uh. im not saying the ending is perfect, but it is DEFINITELY not as disastrous as what people are making it out to be, in my opinion. i thoroughly enjoyed the movie, actually, and i thought it was an effective way to end the tales of arcadia.

warning: rise of the titans spoilers, as well as general tales of arcadia spoilers

were there some things i didn't like? yeah!

the major things i didn't like align with a lot of what i see other people saying:

the weird mpreg plotline with steve. it just felt so strange and out of place, and it was used as a tactic to remove eli and steve from the major action, which i don't like.

and the 'ninth configuration' thing that, once again, excluded eli and steve. i didn't see a reason why they shouldn't have been there, seeing as they have contributed to trollhunting since nearly the start of all of the tales of arcadia. multiples of three are clean and smooth, i get it, but at the expense of two characters that were so lovingly developed in trollhunters and 3below?? yikes

with that being said, though, i don't agree with what a lot of people are saying about the time travel at the end. obviously, they bring up some good points - by changing the timeline so drastically, there's no way for jim to ensure that they'll be able to succeed or if the arcane order will even act in the same way. it's a big 'if' and it is worth thinking about

but people have been saying that the ending is out of jim's character and negates his arc, and i have to say. that's not true.

if you've been following my blog since july 1st, you'll know that ive spent the past twenty one days rewatching the entire tales of arcadia series at a steady pace, and within that time, i've paid a whole lot of attention to jim's arc as a character and how the finale of trollhunters left me feeling as if something just wasn't clicking right. his arc wasn't finished.

because all throughout trollhunters, jim is constantly having to prove his worth - and most of the time, the way he's proving his worth is by sacrificing himself. he takes all the blame when anything goes wrong, and on some level, jim never truly learns the lesson from season one of trollhunters that he's enough as a hero because he has his friends to back him up. like, yeah, he relies on them a bit more after that, but in the end, he still stands in the bathroom alone, separated from all his allies, and shoulders the burden of turning into a troll alone. and he leaves arcadia, the city he was fighting so hard to protect, and he leaves his best friend, the one that has been with him since the beginning.

then we get wizards, where jim lets himself be corrupted to save his friends. and then, because of that sacrifice, he ends up hurting all of them. i believe this fact - that he willingly corrupted himself, separated himself from his allies, and ended up hurting the people he loved - shook jim's foundation as a hero, which is why he can't believe he's the trollhunter without the amulet. the amulet was the physical manifestation of what it meant to be a hero to him, but it was destroyed when he was corrupted - it was destroyed when he hurt his friends.

that's how we see him in rise of the titans; he's still struggling with his identity as a hero because he doesn't have the amulet or the unshakable foundation he previously had of his heroism. literally everyone is looking for him to be the leader and make the huge, world-saving-or-destroying decisions, but he can't shoulder that huge burden knowing he could hurt everyone. and then, just to add fuel to the fire, it's his plan that causes people to die or be permanently separated from the group. and he can't even get the sword out of the stone! why? because he himself doesn't see himself as worthy - how can you think of yourself as worthy when you just got two of your allies killed and two more gone, presumably for forever?

but this is the moment it finally clicks for jim. he looks around at his allies, and he sees them reflected in the amulet. he's not alone, he doesn't have to be worthy just by himself, he has an entire group of people who have fought by his side time and time again that, even despite all the mistakes and missteps he's made, are still by his side.

and what makes the amulet work, in the final fight, is his firm determination to see this fight through, no matter if he has the armor or not. he's terrified, he's probably going to die - but it's that bravery despite the fear that makes him a hero, a trollhunter, amulet or not. and he knows that now - he's had to face it before, in the unbecoming episode, but it's different now. in the unbecoming episode, he was truly alone when he decided to face the fight. and he's alone here in rise of the titans - but not for long! because almost immediately after jim comes to terms with his place as a hero again, toby comes along, and he doesn't finish this fight alone!! he finishes this fight with another trollhunter, who doesn't have an amulet!!

jim deciding to rewind time to back before the events of trollhunters is a bold choice, but it tracks with a theme in wizards - merlin told douxie that what set him apart as a master wizard was his belief that every life was valuable and worthy of being saved. this theme is repeated in the new amulet in rise of the guardians; it's for the glory of all, not just for one person.

and jim deciding to have toby become the trollhunter finally marks the completion of jim's arc. instead of shouldering the burden alone, which is inevitably what would've happened if jim had rewound time, kept all of his memories, and accepted the amulet again, jim is choosing to accept allies into his life sooner. instead of being the trollhunter, jim is letting himself be a trollhunter, alongside all the other trollhunters.

of course, there's some things in this alternate timeline i don't like; mainly that no one stepped in to stop steve from bullying eli. that, to me, was the most out of character, and i can only assume jim didn't step in because he's leaving room for that fight to be toby's; competing against steve was a large jumpstart to jim feeling like he could be strong enough to bear the mantle, and maybe jim was just trying leave it up to toby to establish that on his own. still, i didn't like it.

and, of course, there are people lamenting the fact that none of the heroes of arcadia know each other or that they might not have the same relationships, but i immediately thought of the time loop episode in 3below. in that episode, the trollhunters team and the gang from 3below meet and become friends and ultimately lose the memory of that friendship from that day. however, in that episode, blinky says that true friendship would last against the test of time; if they were meant to be together, then they would be. and guess what? even though none of them remember that happening, they all still became friends. it was meant to be.

i think a lot of anxieties about the changed timeline are because people loved the events of trollhunters so much that they a) don't want to see anything changed and/or b) are trying to project the events of trollhunters onto the new timeline and are upset when they don't fit. toby won't be the same kind of hero that jim is, though - he never has been. inevitably, the story will be different, and that's scary. that was the risk jim took, though, and jim has always trusted in toby, so why shouldn't we?

to me, tales of arcadia has never been about clean endings that make you feel entirely good. they've always left me with a tang of bitter along with the sweet, and i think that's the point. tales of arcadia has always battled with hard questions and difficult endings, and i don't see rise of the titans being any different from that.

like i said before, i don't think rise of the titans is perfect. but you can hate it as much as you want; i still really think it did a good job with the story it was trying to tell. i mean, ending with the idea that all lives are important and worth saving, no matter the risk? that heroism inherently means being part of a collective that you trust and believe in? that through time and space, you will always be able to find and connect with the people you love? that's powerful.

im climbing off my soapbox now, but basically tl;dr: rise of the titans was a good finale, despite it's imperfections, and i think that's all i can ask for.

also if you don't like toby as the trollhunter just because you don't like him breaking out of the 'funny sidekick' archetype you can die by my blade

[yeongwvnhi]

》Troublemaker《

Superpowers AU, College AU, Poly AU

Taglist (send an ask if you want to be added): @twancingyunhoe @biaswreckingfics @donghanies @moonshineboyz @soleilsuhh @trashlord-007

Genre: crack, fluff, angst, suspension, suggestive

Rating: 16+

General Warnings: rituals, lots of fighting, language, injuries, weapons, detailed descriptions of fights and injuries, some mature themes, lots of kissing and teasing

Chapter Specific Warnings: teacher and headmaster being overly rude, cussing

Pairing: The Boyz x fem reader

Synopsis: in a world where superpowers are nothing special and everyone is gifted with some kind of special ability, you and your friends quickly grow tired of it and all the rules. So when one of your friends brings up a certain ritual, with which you can travel into another universe, it sounds like heaven, but you quickly realize it's harder to adapt than you'd like.

Word count: 2.7k

》Next《   》Masterlist《

It's fairly early when you leave your home for college, around 7am something. The air around you is still fairly crisp and cool, but you're not bothered. Others would be shaking if they went outside in just skinny jeans and a simple sweater when it's 0°C outside. 

But you? You're not bothered in the slightest as you calmly walk down the street and towards the giant building. 

It's metallic cover reflects the sunlight, slightly blinding you in the process. It makes you squint and avert your eyes. 

"Y/N!" 

Your head turns in the direction of the call and you see your best friend jogging towards you with a bright grin. "Oh, hey." 

"Good morning!" He beams, way too enthusiastic for your liking at this hour. 

A demonstrative yawn escapes you as you lazily wave at him. "Morn'..." You mumble and wipe the tears out of your eyes which gathered due to your yawn. 

"Aren't you gonna give your bestie a hug?" He pouts and his dimples make an appearance. "I'm disappointed." 

A chuckle escapes you before you turn towards him completely and give him his desired display of affection. 

A happy sigh escapes him as he tightly slings his arms around you. "I'm never letting you go, it's too cold!" He whines when you move to break the hug. 

"Wear warmer clothes then, you buffoon." You mumble, struggling to push him away and ultimately just giving up. 

"Nahh, why would I do that when I have my personal heater right under my nose?" He teases. 

"Shut up and let me go, we have classes soon." You whine and push at his chest again. 

He relents with a high pitched laugh as he watches you stumble back, his arms letting go easier than expected and making you lose your balance for a few seconds. 

"You fucker" You hiss while taking big, fast steps towards your destination. 

"My baby! Don't be mad!" Your friend whines while jogging to match your pace. 

"It's not even 8 yet and the two of you are already having a quarrel." A new voice joins the two of you. 

Startled by the sudden intervention, you whip your head to pinpoint the source and find another guy of your friend group. 

"Sangyeon? Where did you come from?" You ask, eyes moving up to meet his.

"You must have forgotten that I always meet you at this section in the road, tsk." The older one answers and shakes his head. 

"Sorryyyy" You say with a chuckle, "but Changmin here decided to be an ass first thing in the morning! It's his fault" 

"HUH??" The culprit screeches in surprise, "Excuse me??" 

"Be quiet you two, I don't need a headache right before classes." 

"Sorryy" Changmin and you chime in unison, "dad." the former adds and snickers, earning himself a glare from Sangyeon. 

The three of you continue on the rest of the way in silence and you couldn't be more grateful. Your mind is not yet in the right place for any intellectual conversation. 

The enormous college building towers in front of you all as you reach the campus. 

"Ohh look, the others are already here!" Changmin happily points out, proceeding to skip towards said friend group. 

Sangyeon and you exchange an amused glance before also walking towards them. 

"Morning everyone." You wave at the guys and they all greet you back. 

"Y/N my love!" Your other best friend exclaims and jumps to hug you, "I'm so glad you're finally here! Please warm me up, I'm freezing!" 

The other guys laugh at their youngest friend's antics, you included. Nonetheless you proceed to hug him around his middle and make use of your powers. Your skin immediately heats up to a nice and cozy temperature and the guy hums in relief. 

"You're such a baby." You chuckle and pat his broad back affectionately.

"Classes start in about 10 minutes, we can go inside now." 

"Oh, look who decided to show up." Sangyeon teases. 

"What? Why would I show up half an hour before classes?" Said newcomer replies. "I can take all the time I need, unlike you guys~" 

"Stop being arrogant, Hyun." The oldest playfully scolds. 

"Now now, don't fight." Jacob intervenes, voice clearly expressing his worry. 

"Hold on, what class do we have now?" You suddenly realize and look up to meet Sunwoo's eyes. 

"Uhh I'm pretty sure it's chem." He replies, now looking at Younghoon for confirmation. 

"Yeah" he nods. "We should go, it's all the way on the top floor of the building." 

Sunwoo and you groan in unison, totally not thrilled on having to walk up 10 flights of stairs. 

"I actually also have chemistry, but in another course." Jaehyun says, "It's on the same floor though." 

The three of you guys look at your friend with hope. 

"Urgh, fiiine." He groans, already knowing exactly what you were all going to ask of him. 

"Yay!" You beam happily and peel yourself away from Youngjae. "Sorry hun but you gotta get inside quickly to stay warm I guess." 

He grumbles something inaudible and you immediately attach yourself to Jaehyun's arm instead and give him a smile. "You're the best, Hyunnie!" 

He can't help the amused smile to crawl onto his lips. "I know." 

You hear Sunwoo make a gagging sound, prompting you to laugh. "Let's go now." 

"Sure, sure." Jaehyun hums and within a second the four of you are up on the top floor. 

"Thank you~" You happily chime and stand on your tiptoes to press a quick kiss to the man's cheek. Then you turn around, link arms with Sunwoo and Younghoon and drag them into your chemistry classroom with a content smile on your face. 

Both men exchange a glance at that interaction and internally behead Jaehyun for having his useful ability. 

When Sunwoo turns his head to look at the older guy, Jaehyun shows him a priggish smirk and waves before disappearing. 

"He really-" 

"Good morning you three!" Your teacher greets and Sunwoo immediately stiffens, startled by the voice. "Class starts in 5 minutes, find your seats!" 

"Yes ma'am!" The three of you reply and give a quick bow before scurrying to your seats. 

"Miss Im is so scary…" Younghoon shudders and you nod. 

—

Your teacher had given the class an experiment to work on in groups of three. Funnily enough, a student had broken one of the school's bunsen burners, so now your group was without one. 

"Great, just great" Miss Im angrily says under her breath. 

"Miss" You say and raise your hand. She looks at you and nods. "I can use my power instead for fire-" 

"Under no circumstance will you do that!" She immediately shoots down your idea and raises her voice. "What if you set fire to something in here? You could hurt us!" 

You don't know what to say, feeling at a loss for words at her sudden outburst. Sunwoo and Younghoon notice your shaking hands and glare at the teacher. 

"Did you really have to lash out at her like that? She just suggested it!" Sunwoo angrily replies and stands up from his chair, smacking the table. "We all here have been living with our powers ever since we were 5! We have them under control! Y/N would never hurt someone on purpose!" 

Younghoon had hugged you close to calm your anxiety down while everyone just watched and listened to Sunwoo's outburst. 

Then it was quiet for a moment, Miss Im too stunned to say anything back and the rest of the class only agreed with him. 

Sunwoo was quite literally charged, you could see little lightning bolts dancing all over him. 

"Sunwoo…" You quietly say and he looks at you. "It's okay." 

He takes a deep breath and shoots the teacher another sharp glare. 

She clicks her tongue angrily and just ignores this incident, instead opting to not grade your group on this one. 

—

After class ends the three of you quickly make your way downstairs and onto the campus to meet the others. Sunwoo was stubbornly clinging onto your arm with an annoyed pout on his face. 

"Hey Sunwoo." you speak up and nudge him so he looks at you. "Thank you for interfering." 

He gives you a tight-lipped smile and says "No big deal."

"Thank you too Hoonie." you turn to the older guy and give him an affectionate smile which he returns shyly. 

"Oh look, the troublemakers are coming." Someone teases when the three of you proceed on your way towards your friend group. 

You turn to glare at the person, your red eyes flaring dangerously and they immediately look away, visibly flustered. 

"Hey hey, we already heard you guys got in trouble." Jacob says first when you are within hearing range. "What happened? Are you okay?" 

"Don't worry, we're fine." You answer and wave him off, but the way he eyes Sunwoo tells you that's not what he wanted to hear. 

"Miss Im went off on Y/N after she offered to use her powers for the experiment because a burner was missing." Younghoon explains and you feel Sunwoo tighten his group on your arm even further. "A- Sunwoo what's gotten into you?" You exclaim to him and prod at his arm to give you some room. 

"I'm sorry Noona, I'm just still mad at Miss Im." He mumbles and hides his face on your shoulder. 

"Stop being a baby." Juyeon speaks up and pries the younger one from you… well he tries. "Argh, let go already! Chanhee, come help me out!" 

"Wha- Hyung what am I supposed to do??" The younger one replies incredulously. 

"Just help me get this walking taser off of Y/N!" 

You snort at that exclamation and Sunwoo gives Juyeon a pointed look. "Did you really just call me a walking taser?!" 

"So what if I did?" 

"Unbelievable." Chanhee shakes his head, but an amused smile plays at his lips nonetheless. 

Your eyes basically scream 'help me!!' As you look at Youngjae, the youngest out of you all gives you a laugh before nodding. And suddenly Sunwoo's grip on you loosens and you quickly peel yourself away and hide behind the culprit. "Thanks Jae." you snicker against his arm as you peek out to look at a confused Sunwoo. 

"Yah!" He literally screams, making all of you flinch besides Changmin. "Youngjae I swear-" 

"Enough now, kids!" Sangyeon finally steps in and silences Sunwoo quickly. He pouts and crosses his arms in front of his chest. 

You move from behind Youngjae to stand to his left, now in between him and Changmin. 

"Ohh guys!" The latter suddenly speaks up with sparkly eyes and everyone looks at him. "How about we have a sleepover at my house this weekend? We're free next week so we can have some fun together!" 

Everyone quickly makes eye contact with the others. "Sure!" Haknyeon nods and adjusts his choker. "I'm itching to take this thing off, it's really weird to be as close to normal as it can get here." 

You all laugh at that, remembering how he has to wear it due to his powers. His hyperawareness is a very useful power, but also hard to live with, since he gets easily overwhelmed in crowded places. He had someone in his family create that ability dimmer for him so he could live without being constantly overwhelmed. 

"You over there!" 

All of you turn to see who called, finding it to be your headmaster. "Kim Sunwoo and L/N Y/N, come over here." 

You give Youngjae a panicked look and he shoots you one right back. That can't be good. 

The two of you slowly walk towards the man, stopping about a meter in front of him. "Do you know why I came to speak with you?" 

"No, sir." You shake your head, not daring to look into his eyes. Out of the corner of your eyes you see Sunwoo trembling slightly. 

"Well, I came here because Miss Im told me about what happened during her chemistry lesson. Shall I remind you, Miss L/N, that it is strictly prohibited to use your powers on campus grounds, unless they're unable to be deactivated?" 

"N-No, I know that, sir." You reply quietly. "But we were missing a burner, so I thought-" 

"You thought what? That it would be a good idea to use your powers instead and to risk hurting your classmates? Hm?" 

"I'm so-sorry. It won't happen again, sir" 

"And now on to you, Mister Kim." The headmaster turns to Sunwoo instead and you try to calm your racing heart and keep your anxious tears at bay. "You're really cocky for a 2nd year, just raising your voice at a teacher like that AND using your powers in a classroom." 

"Miss Im has started it." Sunwoo replies through gritted teeth, "She could've calmly explained it, but instead she decided to humiliate Y/N Noona in front of the whole class! Was I just supposed to watch?!" 

"Sunwoo-" You hiss, scared for him. 

"Excuse me?" 

"You heard me right, sir." 

"Don't make me call your parents." The much older man threatens. 

"Oh, go ahead then." Sunwoo replies, "I don't care." 

"Sunwoo!" You say with big eyes. "Stop it!" 

"You should listen to your little friend, Mister Kim." The headmaster sneers, "I'll let you off the hook since you never did anything before. You better behave." he clicks his tongue and leaves. 

You grab Sunwoo by the collar and pull him to match your height. "Are you out of your mind?!" 

"Hey hey…" Jacob quickly makes an appearance and gently touches your shoulders with nothing but worry all over his face. "Please calm down Y/N." 

"You idiot, he could have expelled you or something! Don't do stuff like that!" You practically beg him with teary eyes. 

The younger one's eyes soften. "I'm sorry Noona, I won't do it again, but please don't cry." 

Jacob takes a step back and just watches, mostly relieved that you weren't angry and that he wouldn't have to break up a fight. 

"Give me a hug you idiot…" You grumble and wipe your eyes. Sunwoo gives a panicked wheeze, locking eyes with Changmin and Youngjae. They both just wave him off. 

"Okay okay, don't cry." He says and gives in, pulling you close and patting your back. 

The others watch from a bit away, soft smiles on their faces, almost forgetting why you two are in that situation in the first place. 

But then the bell rang, snapping you all out of your thoughts. 

Changmin drags you by your wrist, Chanhee on your other side as they lead the way to your next class. 

"Are you feeling better now, Y/N?" Chanhee softly asks from your left side and you turn to look at him. 

"I feel okay now, thank you for worrying." You reply and flash the taller man a quick smile. 

Changmin intertwined his fingers with yours. It's nothing new, the two of you used to do that ever since you became friends. 

"Chanhee Hyung, where is the literature classroom again?" 

The oldest of you three thinks for a moment and looks at the numbers next to the doors. "It's room 371." 

"Ahh thank you~" Changmin happily replies and you guys make your way into the room. 

—

Chanhee stretches his long limbs after the bell chimed, indicating the end of the class. "Today's lesson was pretty intense, don't you guys think?" 

"Yeah, there was a lot." Changmin frowns a little. "Y/N how were you holding up?" 

Your head shoots up in surprise, caught off guard while packing your stuff. "Uh- It was alright. I understood most of it actually." 

Both men give you weird looks. "You never understand stuff in literature, what happened?" Changmin says with furrowed brows. 

"I think it's because she actually paid attention this time." Chanhee adds with a chuckle, "She looked so concentrated, it was cute." 

You feel your body heating up and avert your eyes. "Whatever, let's go." 

The two men exchange amused glances but don't speak on it any further, opting to just follow you out of the building. 

You didn't expect to run into this particular person when you exited through the large glass doors. 

After all, he got expelled for using his powers on campus and a few other things. 

"Hyunjun?" 

[catboyithaqua]

Ramuda and Doppo :0

OH MY BOYS LETS GO

Under a cut bc long

Ramuda Amemura

First impression

Baby boy baby. Very cute and sweet i love characters with ramudas aesthetic i tend to want to protect them, especially since its an aesthetic that i fall into myself and lo v e so kseidjsnfn YEAH this man is baby!!!

Impression now

Ohhh my god i love this man i love the way he is characterised he is so incredibly interesting as a character and tbh so realistic and honestly i adore him!!! I alarmingly see a lot of myself in him tbh, were incredibly similar and that isnt necessarily a good thing!! But still i love this man

Favorite moment

Oh man where tf do i BEGIN there are so many ngl, but mostly all of the moments where we see ramuda's humanity. There is still a sweetness left under the darkness, there is still a man who wants to cling onto everything he has - his emotion, his internal battles, his morality vs his desperate need to survive - oh fucking man so much.

Idea for a story

CAN WE FUCKING. HAVE RAMUDA TALK HIS SHIT OUT PLEASE can we just have others actively helping ramuda cAN THIS MAN PLEASE BE SHOWN THAT ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR HIM,,, PLEASE,, i just want ramuda to finally talk out everything and have people on his side. Please.

Unpopular opinion

This probs isnt unpopular by any means, but idk what else to put here so take this:

I dont really see it often discussed that yknow ramuda is an abuse victim. Like, its very clear that chuokhu uses and abuses him, and his life is constantly being hung over his head. No wonder the dude is doing anything he can in order to survive, he has no choice in that regard. Before i get told this in the notes yes i know this doesnt excuse the things hes done!!! But tbh i really think that like the trauma that ramuda is living with kinda needs to be addressed.

Favorite relationship

I am a huge multishipper and have found a way to ship ramuda w just about most people (that are adults and not in chuokhu lol) so this is pretty tough

Id say either fling poly or jkrm and these are my reasons lets go:

Fling poly: HAVE YOU S E E N THEM do i really need to say more here all three of them have such good chemistry together, theyre all clearly on the same wavelength and have such a wonderful dynamic,,, they found out about the clones and shit and they STILL chose to protect ramuda and to fight for him and with him and to stay by his side aND BLACK JOURNEY TOO I-- IM GONNA START SOBBING,,,

Jakuramu: this one is not based on canon too much i am sorry this is mostly hc but i am a huge sucker for enemies to lovers ok also, i feel like out of TDD these two would be the ones to reconcile. After all, jakurai is a rather empathetic man and he probably would def understand the situation that ramuda was in. After all this dude was an ex assassin, if ramuda was to tell him everything, im sure that he would be able to relate to yknow the time he took others' lives, people with families and friends that he killed because he was ordered to and most likely had no other choice. Of course, jakurai is well within his right to not forgive ramuda for what happened to yotsutsuji, but i feel like he would and would help him get out of the situation hes in,,, and also im soft for the TDD era ok like how jakurai WANTED TO KNOW THE REAL RAMUDA AND LIKE,,, even when ramuda snapped at him he was GLAD HE WANTSD TO KNOW HIM FUCK MAN,,, i just really like these two ok

Favorite headcanon

I have quite a lot of hcs! Here are a few and like some explanation as to why:

- hes trans - i personally believe this bc personally itd make sense. Ramuda has a very feminine appearance and build, those that are like typically common in asian countries. As well as that, he has his own autonomy unlike the other clones. It wouldnt surprise me if chuokhu orignally wanted to make a girl to keep the other divisions in check, but when he decided personally that he didnt want to be such a way, they said sure, more room for us to treat you as we want to. Hes got money, getting T wouldnt be that difficult for him either, so thats why his voice is. That way fiaudjsnfnd anyway i think it makes sense!! Idk--

- he has bpd - projection probably but the biggest inspiration for this headcanon is how he is emotionally. His swings are violent - he feels and expresses such a diverse range of emotions and its so easy for him to change his emotional disposition - whilst also mostly feeling totally empty. Relationship wise also, given how he was genuinely really close to jakurai and then completely splitting on him, h a t i n g him. Yeah that sounds like bpd to me chief i know i have it!!! Theres more ik there is but i cant pull up examples rn

- hes neurodivergent - again mostly projection honestly and like there isnt much of a canon basis in his behaviour, just little things, but i like to personally hc that aside from eating candy to stay alive duh, that he chooses lollipops bc they serve as a sort of stim?? Also ik that fashion is his job but hes also so so clearly passionate about it that its a special interest for him, and thats partially why he took it up as a job in the first place, so he could do something related to his special interest lol. Idk i know there isnt any basis for this but just let me have autistic ramuda iaiesjdnsnfn

Doppo Kanonzaka

First impression

Now THATS what i call a tired mf!!! This dude has yves saint laurent eyebags also he really reminds me of aggretsuko somehow??? Im really not sure what it is

Impression now

Yeah i was def right with the aggretsuko comparison siaishsnshfb BUT I LOVEEE HIM i love him very much and i think this man really needs a break and is also very relateable i love

Favorite moment

As much as i love fp i absolutely adore the badass koments that doppo has including when he absolutely fucking obliterated fling posse sksjxnxncn also!! All of his little moments with hifumi i genuinely enjoy their dynamic its so cute

Idea for a story

Honestly i wanna see him slowly recover from the teauma that he has experienced because this king absolutely deserves it, and also from a practical point of view itd make this mf s t r o n g e r i also just.... long to see doppo happy honestly he deserves to smile!!

Unpopular opinion

I dont really have an unpopular opinion but saving like leaving this blank: as much as i absolutely adore jakurai and hifumi and their music (jakurai is my fave out of every hypmic character and i WILL drive this home), to me doppo just has the best music. Like, i love tigridia and BLACK OR WHITE so fucking much its absolutely unreal and all of doppos verses in every song are juust so fucking good. As much as i listen to you are, therefore i am on repeat every day of my life doppos music is just the best ✨

Favorite relationship

Again i am a huge multishipping bitch and i habe a few ships with doppo but in ahll honesty my fave is very clear - i absolutely adore his dynamic with matenrou as a whole and especially hifumi - his relationship with hifumi is clearly so special and it really shows how strong their friendship is, and in a ship sense i find it to be realy cute bc theres such a clear need for each other and that even if they clearly come at odds sometimes, at the end of the days theyre still clearly so close and i just,,, god doppo reallt deserves someone like hifumi in his life and im so glad that he has it!!!!

Favorite headcanon

Honestly i dont really think i have too many for doppo but given his general demeanor and his attitude, i personally hc him as demi. Yeah i know that sexualities dont have like typical personalities and such but i feel like given his anxieties around new people and how he clearly only really sticks to those that hes very close with, it makes more sense for him to be demi than any other sexuality to be quite honest - and this is also just pushing my hifudo agenda aiqiauansnssn but yknow!!!!

[secretlysheikah]

Tower troubles: Darkness Looms

Another chapter down! I don’t think its as long as the others, but I think it’s pretty good. I hope you enjoy!

I don’t claim ownership of the Linked Universe. That honor belongs to @jojo56830

I’m just a humble gremlin tapping away at keys.

please enjoy!

Trigger warning: Vomiting and general misery

Start Here: 

*****************************************

Fever dreams Wild decided were the worst. It hadn’t taken him long after he laid down to fall asleep again but he hardly considered it restful. He dreamed of laughing shadows and tight strings as black as tar. Of phantom music boxes and the half remembered blue eyes of a little girl. Wild could hear her calling to him, but her calls always faded out quickly to mix with the faint tinkling of children’s music.

More than once he would surface from the dreams shivering with cold despite the blankets and the fire next to him. Wild always made an effort to stay awake, unwilling to fall back into the disorientation of dreams but it was a futile effort. His incessant shivering would always crescendo and his damaged body would send a fresh wave of agony in protest. By then he was more than happy to slip back under the black ocean of sleep, could almost forget about the dreams that made his heart race in fear and anxiety.

When Wild finally opened his eyes to the bright light of day he found he didn’t feel much better. He closed his eyes again feeling the earth dip and spin around him and he coughed as gently as he could in a vain attempt to not aggravate his ribs. After what felt like a long time he opened his eyes again and very slowly sat up. He felt stiff and his body sent out fresh waves of pain in protest. Wild also noted grimly that his stomach flipped with nausea and there was a dull throb of a headache that threatened to bloom into a full blown migraine. But despite it all however he was determined to not slow down the group. If anyone asked, and he knew they would, he would tell them he was just fine thanks. He would pretend to be okay, and maybe with enough convincing he could even make himself believe it too. It was a weak plan Wild knew but it was all he had, so he clung to it like a drowning man on a piece of drift wood.

“Hey cub, glad to see you awake.”

Wild looked around with bleary eyes and found Twilight sitting cross legged just behind him. He didn’t miss the dark circles that hung around Twilight’s eyes, and Wild had no doubt that he had kept his promise to stay with him all night. Twilight stretched and Wild could hear his joints popping with the effort.

“Here, drink some water,” Twilight said pushing a bottle of clear water across the dirt to him. The bottle was still corked but Wild still eyed it thoughtfully before he picked it up. Twilight gave him a knowing look.

“It hasn’t been tampered with, I bottled it myself.” Twilight reassured quietly so only Wild could hear him. Wild gave him a thankful nod and awkwardly worked the cork from the bottle. He gave the water a few slow sips savoring how it cooled his throat and lazily gazed around the camp. He gave a small start when he looked around him and found nothing familiar. They weren’t in a half destroyed room surrounded by malice anymore, in fact they were in a field, grass swaying gently in the breeze. Wild turned to Twilight quickly sloshing water out of the open bottle as he did so.

“What? Where are we, where is everyone?” Wild croaked feeling an alarming disorientation settling around him. Was he dreaming? No, it was impossible, you didn’t feel pain when you were asleep, right? Twilight raised his hands when he saw the alarm on Wild’s face and quickly explained.

“Everyone is fine, I suspect that they’re still out scouting as we speak. As for where we are and how we got here that’s a little more difficult.” Twilight said scanning the empty field around him before turning his attention back to Wild.

“We’re in my Hyrule, in the field just outside of Faron woods. We must have shifted sometime during the night but no one remembers when. One minute we were next to the tower and within a breath we were here.” Twilight explained, there was a tone of bewilderment in his voice. Twilight always had a sixth sense when it came to shifting from world to world so Wild assumed that not being able to tell when they shifted must be bothering him.

“We arrived just before sun up and we’ve been trying to get our bearings ever since then.” He finished with a sigh. Wild nodded thoughtfully, his heart still raced from the sudden burst of anxiety and he worked to distract himself in an attempt to quell the rapid beating of his heart. Wild supposed then that the shift must have been very smooth if it hadn’t had woken him. Or it was possible he was just that drained that he didn’t even notice.

“What time is it?” Wild finally asked and Twilight hummed as he shaded his eyes against the sun.

“By my guess I would say late morning,” he answered dropping his hand with a sigh.

“How are you feeling? And please don’t lie to me.” Twilight finally asked and looked over to Wild who stared at the half empty bottle in his hands.

“I’m okay, a little stiff if anything” Wild said, it wasn’t exactly a lie, he reasoned to himself, just not the full truth. He met eyes with his mentor and fought the urge to look away. After a moment Twilight nodded and Wild quietly let out the breath he was holding. Wild shifted cautiously, moving his legs slowly into a cross legged position and felt the familiar pull of stitches on his thigh. He grimaced at the feeling and decided to stretch that leg out in front of him instead to alleviate the uncomfortable pull.

“Are you in pain? Is there something I can do?” Twilight asked not missing the way Wild had grimaced. Wild just shook his head and ignored the throb in his chest and the dizzying ache of his head.

“I’m fine Twi, really.” Wild said putting his hands up on the air in supplication. Twilight didn’t look convinced but he didn’t say anything. There was an odd look on his face that Wild didn’t care for and he let his hands drop.

“What? What’s the matter?” Wild asked, it was clear Twilight wanted to say something and Wild just wanted him to say it already so they could get it out of the way.

“It’s just, I wanted to… Cub I’m sorry” Twilight started and Wild groaned and dropped his head in his hands.

“Oh not you too Twi. Please don’t apologize.” Wild said imploringly. He didn’t want to deal with this, he couldn’t deal with this. Wild could feel himself getting annoyed despite himself. All he wanted was to get away and not look at the poorly concealed guilt on his friend’s face.

“This wasn’t your fault, it was no one’s fault but that monster’s. It happened and now it’s done. I’m fine.” Wild said as he scrubbed his fingers through his hair and tried not to snap in frustration.

“But, cub…”

“No. Leave it be Twi. I’m not mad at any of you but if I hear one more ‘I’m sorry’ I’m going to loose it.” Wild growled harshly. He wouldn’t have another apology, not from one of his peers who were just as much of a victim as he was. Twilight bristled and it was clear he was going to continue his argument but thankfully they were both distracted by the sound of talking coming closer to camp.

“We aren’t done with this conversation” Twilight hissed to Wild as he stood to meet the oncoming group. Wild sighed dramatically and immediately regretted it when his ribs cried out in protest. He fought vainly against the rising coughing fit as the others finally came into view. There was a cry of relieved delight and Wild smiled faintly.

“WILD!” It was Wind and he was practically sprinting his way. Wild held up his hands and braced for an impact that didn’t come. Instead he heard the younger hero land on his knees and skid to a stop just in front of him.

“You’re alright! Im sor-” Wind began and Wild held up a hand to stop him.

“Please, don’t apologize. I’m happy to see you too.” Wild said offering the other a lopsided smile when he saw the crestfallen face Wind gave him.

“Oh, okay” Wind said quietly. He fidgeted his hands, seemingly not knowing what to do with them. Wild swallowed down his apprehension and reached out a hand to clasp Wind on the shoulder. Wind gave him a slightly watery smile before he cautiously leaned in and wrapped his arms around Wild’s neck.

Wild didn’t know what to do with his hands and he held his breath going suddenly ridged under the contact. His brain was screaming danger and his body was inclined to agree and he hated himself all the more for it. He could feel tears soaking into the neck of his shirt, felt soft shudders from Wind as he cried quietly.

“Hey, I’m okay, really I am.” Wild soothed as he very slowly moved to hug the other, ignoring how his heart raced with fear. After a another minute of awkward soothing Wind pulled away and wiped at his running nose. Wind took a deep breath and smiled at him.

“I was worried that I…” Wind trailed off and Wild shook his head.

“It will take a lot more than a hammer to the chest to keep me down, kid” Wild said with as much false cheer as he could muster. Wind laughed shakily and nodded.

“Oh, I found these in my pack. I wanted to give them to you, it might give you a boost,” Wind said quietly as he dug in his pack and pulled out a small bag. Wild took it carefully and opened it to find small honey colored candies.

Wild recognized them, He had made these for Wind months ago when the younger had confided in him about how he missed home. Wild spent that afternoon cooking up the candy in the hopes that it would make Wind feel better. He was confused when Wild had given him the bag but his eyes had lit up after he popped one in his mouth. Wind subsequently ran around camp like a mad man and Wild joined in quickly having mock swashbuckling sword fights with sticks and singing sea shanties loudly and off key. The others suffered the commotion admirably for about two hours before Legend had told them that if he heard another song he would kill them. Then he made Wild promise not to make anymore candy for the small lunatic.

Of course Wild didn’t stick to that promise. He would make small batches of the candy whenever he could get spare ingredients and would secretly drop them in Wind’s pack when no one was looking. Wild didn’t even realize that Wind had squirreled some of the candies away, and the thought made him smile.

“I can’t take these, they’re yours.” Wild started as he made to push the bag back into Wind’s hands but he wouldn’t have any of it.

“You can always make more when you’re better! And anyways you need the boost more than me.” Wind said as he closed Wild’s fingers around the small bag. Wild huffed but accepted the offering, it was the least he could do to make Wind feel better.

“Thanks kiddo,” Wild said and tucked the small bag next to him on the bed roll. He would have to make a fresh batch for Wind when he had time and ingredients. Seemingly satisfied that Wild wasn’t going to try to give the candies back Wind stood and left with a grin and a happy wave to go talk with Warriors.

Alone for the moment Wild sagged tiredly. Just that small interaction had been draining and the day hadn’t even began. He rubbed at his bandaged leg absently when it gave a dull throb. Just another pain to add to his already impressive list of pains. The others had really done a number on him he thought distantly as he tugged at the wrapping around his thigh.

Not for the first time he cursed Dark for causing such mayhem. His little ‘game’ had not only gotten him beaten to a pulp, but it also seemed to have rattled everyone to their core. Wild could feel the subtle tension that hung around the group like a miasma. The guilty glances that were tossed his way when they thought he wasn’t looking, it was all so suffocating. It was clear that everyone blamed themselves for what happened even though it was completely ludicrous. It was also becoming increasingly clear that no matter how many times he told them to stop apologizing it wasn’t going to happen. Wild gritted his teeth in sudden agitation, he was going to make damn sure Dark paid for his little game ten fold.

With a sudden burst of energy Wild pulled the wrapping around his leg free to get a look at his leg. The stitches were raised slightly and the skin around them was a nice shade of purple bruising but there was no sign of infection. Wild sighed in relief, at least they didn’t have to cauterize it. He tossed the soiled covering into his slate to dispose of later and summoned a fresh bandage to dress the wound again. Wild was so focused on his leg he didn’t even realize he was being observed.

“Hey, let me help with that.” Someone called from just in front of him and Wild lifted tired eyes to meet Hyrule who had began to trot towards him.

“I’m fine ‘Rule, I can handle this” Wild said as he applied the bandage.

“Just let me take a look maybe I can…” Hyrule said reaching out to take the bandage away. Wild felt his tenuous hold on patience snap like a taught cord. Frustration settled thickly in the back of his throat and he snapped.

“I’m fine. Honestly do you think I’m incapable of tending to my own wounds?” Wild bit out and immediately wished he hadn’t. Hyrule had a shocked look on his face and he pulled away as if burned. Regret quickly replaced the short lived frustration and Wild wanted to snatch back everything he just said.

“I didn’t mean to suggest that you couldn’t,” Hyrule replied quietly eyes darting down to the ground in between them. Wild squinted his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was about to form an apology but drew up short when a harsh voice cut in.

“He was only trying to help, don’t be such an ass” Legend snarled apparently appearing out of nowhere to add his two cents. Wild felt rage burble in his chest. It began to spread through his body, and it was a shear force of will not to yell.

“Are you actually incapable of keeping your nose out of my business?” Wild hissed at Legend who just crossed his arms and glared down at him. Hyrule looked owlishly from Wild to Legend and back again.

“Will you two just leave me alone, I’m not a child.” Wild growled at the two of them. Couldn’t they see that he just wanted to be left alone for just a damn second?

“No, you’re just being difficult, just let the man help you.” Legend said hotly and the burning rage in Wild’s stomach turned to sharp shards of ice. He turned cold blue eyes to Legend and glowered darkly. What gave Legend the right to tell him what he what he needed.

“Who do you think you are? My mother? Because you’re certainly bossing me around like you are. Contrary to popular belief, Legend, I am not some helpless child who needs someone else to make decisions for them.” Wild said lacing his words with angry barbs. Hyrule looked confused and his head appeared to be on a constant swivel as he looked between the two of them. Legend had an odd mix of frustration and guilt on his face. His jaw worked like he was thinking about just what to say next.

“I don’t understand what’s going on, but I can tell you need some time by yourself.” Hyrule said standing quickly and grabbing Legend around his upper arm before he could say anything else.

“Let me know when I can take a look at your wounds and I can see what I can do for you.” Hyrule called behind him as he drug a fuming Legend away.

Wild cursed quietly to himself as he angrily wrapped his leg again. He hadn’t meant to throw Hyrule in the middle of his spat with Legend. No doubt he would have to apologize for that later and he wanted to smack himself for not handling himself better. His head throbbed painfully again and Wild worked small circles into his temples in an attempt to alleviate the nauseating pain.

He was still mad with Legend about the night before. The more he thought about it, the simpler it became. It boiled down to a complete betrayal of trust. Sure, when Wild thought it through he could see why Legend had laced his tea, but it still didn’t make him any less angry. Legend hadn’t even talked to him, instead he had lied to Wild’s face and that was what really hurt the most. Wild sighed bitterly. This was just another thing he had to deal with and he simply didn’t have time to address it, not with everything else going on.

Shoving that train of thought to the side Wild worked at removing his shirt. After a few minutes of struggling and muttered curses, he finally got the shirt over his head and he sat there panting with the effort. He scratched at the bandage on his cheek and in a fit frustration tore it off and tossed it away and rubbed at the healing cut.

“Ow” Wild said quietly to himself, wincing at the pain that had flared in his chest in the wake of his struggle with his shirt and the sting of bandage that he just tore away. He glared at the splint on his arm next and without a second of thought tore it off too. He didn’t care if his arm was broken anymore, the splint was annoying and it limited his mobility too much for what he needed to do. He gave his arm a cursory look, much like everything else it was bruised badly. The discoloration spread from the back of his hand all the way down to his elbow and had somehow managed to wrap all the way around his forearm. When he moved his wrist he found it was very stiff and sore. The muscles throbbed and pulled painfully with the motion but he didn’t think anything was broken.

With the splint removed Wild turned his attention to his torso. It looked even worse in the daylight, all bruised skin and scratches that peeked out from underneath white bandages.

Tenderly Wild picked at the wrapping around his stomach and removed it. The edges of the covering looked spotted with blood and he hoped it was from the small scratches. When he removed the covering he was pleased to see that the fresh burn appeared to be healing quickly. There was pink healed skin mixed in with the red slightly burned skin where the stitches were removed and cauterized the night before. The majority of the black spider webbing infection was gone but there were still small veins of black still left behind. He scrunched up his brow and bit the inside of his cheek. He was going to have to keep a very close eye on this. Discarding the old covering again he pulled out another bandage and covered it again. Without hesitation he changed the bandages and covering on his ribs before he could run out of energy. He noted soberly that much like his stomach, the wound was well on the way towards healing but still had some small black veins that stubbornly remained.

Once the whole process was done he pulled the shirt back over his head. Wild hated to admit it, but he was worn out already. He could feel sweat bead his brow and just the simple practice of replacing bandages left him weak and shaky. He closed his eyes for a moment focusing on breathing and worked to quell the pain threatening to overwhelm his senses. He felt someone sit beside him but he didn’t open his eyes until he felt something cool and damp being pressed into his hands. He looked down and saw a wash cloth and turned his attention to the odd eyes of Four. Wild looked away quickly and occupied himself with wiping his face and neck with the wash cloth. The feeling of dirt and sweat from the previous day being wiped away was practically heavenly. Wild continued on to clean his arms and offered a quiet thank you as he worked. Four nodded and for the first time Wild noticed the bag in Four’s lap. Wild raised an eye brow but said nothing, and instead focused on cleaning himself.

“I figured you’d appreciate it” Four said leaning back on his arms and turning his face to the sun. Still Wild said nothing and worked at the dirt caked under his fingernails.

“We decided to stay here for the day, I wanted to let you know so you didn’t feel like you had to rush.” Four continued and Wild hummed dispassionately. Wild guessed that was going to be the case and for some reason he didn't care one way or the other. It’s not like any of his protests would sway the group any way and there was no point in forcing the issue.

“You’re taking the news rather well,” Four remarked with a raised eye brow and Wild shrugged.

“Not like anything I say would matter at this point.”

“You’ve got a point, they’re just being cautious.” Four said as he began to dig in his bag. Wild didn’t offer a reply, just scrutinized his hands looking for spots he missed with the cloth. For some reason he always felt calmer when Four was around, like his very presence demanded tranquility. The pair stayed like that for a long time, Four rummaging though his bag and Wild working dirt from underneath his nails.

“Here, these are yours” Four said without ceremony as he handed the bag over to Wild and took the dirtied wash cloth away. Perplexed Wild scrutinized the bag before opening it and pulling out leather straps. Wild shot Four a quizzical look and Four smiled.

“They’re your bandoliers and leather armor. After… uh… I helped take them off you and I cleaned them up and repaired them where I could. I’m not the best with leather working, but I managed.” Four said suddenly interested in turning the wash cloth over in his hands. Wild didn’t know what to say, to be honest he didn’t even realize they were missing. He grabbed one of his gauntlets and examined it. It was definitely cleaner than it had been in years and there were small neat stitches showing where Four had mended them.

“Wow Four, they look brand new!” Wild gasped in awe as he examined the rest of his armor. A small flush washed across Four’s face at the praise and Wild pretended not to notice.

“It was the least I could do” Four said quietly as he continued to worry at the edges of the wash cloth clearly not knowing how to properly respond to Wild’s praise.

“How are you doing?” Wild asked suddenly, making sure not to look away from the straps he held in hands. He felt Four start at the sudden change in topic, and he could feel Four’s odd eyes boring into the side of his head.

“Me? Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Four asked in return and Wild gave a noncommittal shrug.

“I’m pretty sure you know how I’m feeling, and I didn’t mean to throw you into a tree.” Wild said as he finally looked at Four. Four’s mouth was hanging open in apparent disbelief.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you trying to apologize for stopping me from literally killing you?” Four asked his voice dripping with indignation.

“Well, not in so many words” Wild said in a poor attempt at humor.

“I’m fine Wild.” Four said and added a ‘sweet Hylia above’ under his breath for good measure.

“I know you said you didn’t want any apologies from us, but you should also hold yourself to that. You did what you had to do and we don’t blame you for it, so why would we want your apologies if you don’t want ours?” Four said sternly and Wild could feel heat flood his face. Four was right of course, he was being a hypocrite and that knowledge left a bad taste in his mouth.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Wild said and winced as his ribs gave a particular strong throb. Four’s brow furrowed and made to say something but Wild waved him off.

“It’s okay, I’m just a bit sore is all.” Wild answered, and Four just hummed and pressed his mouth into a thin line.

“Have you eaten anything yet?” Four asked choosing to change the subject and for that Wild was grateful. Wild shook his head slightly, he still felt nauseous.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, my stomach is feeling off,” Wild said as he placed a hand on his abdomen for emphasis. Four nodded in thought.

“Could it be due to the fact that you’ve hadn’t eaten for a good twelve hours? I know for me, sometimes hunger can make me feel sick.” Four pondered his eyes seemed to flicker purple for a second in the sunlight.

“That seems kind of backwards.” Wild said eye brow quirking up in skepticism.

“Eh, it’s just what I’ve experienced.” Four said with a shrug. Wild nodded and gave Four a shrug of his own.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try to eat something.” Wild finally conceded as he grabbed his slate and gave it a few cursory taps. There was a flash of blue and suddenly there was a pristine apple in his hand. Four raised his eye brow.

“Don’t trust our cooking?” He asked and Wild gave him a flat look.

“Not as far as I could throw a fully grown Goron.” Wild said with a small chuckle and Four nodded again.

“Yeah that’s fair, you got a spare apple in that thing?” Four asked with a light chuckle of his own and Wild tossed him the apple and got one for himself. They sat there quietly for a long time and crunched on their apples. It was sweet and tart and it sat like a rock in the pit of Wild’s stomach. Wild grimaced at the feeling and tossed the core away.

“No good?” Four asked as he eyed Wild’s suddenly pale face.

“No good.” Wild agreed and he fought down a stab of nausea that made his stomach twist painfully.

“Are you gonna…” Four started and leaned subtly away.

“Nah, I think I’m…” Wild started and immediately stopped hand flying to his mouth as he felt a lurch in his stomach. Four was suddenly gone and he could hear voices raised in alarm but Wild didn’t have time to think too long on it. In one swift movement he twisted to his knees and brought his meager meal back up to land on the ground next to his bed roll. His whole body shook with the effort, his ribs screamed in agony and it was all he could do to stay upright. Tears dripped out of his eyes and little whimpers forced themselves out of his mouth in between the painful heaves of his stomach and the subsequent coughing that followed. His head felt like it was splitting open, making him gag and heave all over again in a vicious cycle of misery.

Wild felt someone drop down next him on his bed roll, their hand rubbed small circles on his back as their other hand grasped his upper arm to keep him upright. The person called for Hyrule and leaned in closer to his ear.

“It’s alright cub, just breathe” it was Twilight and Wild could feel himself lean into him as he gasped and shook. He could hear other voices, Four explaining what happened in an urgent ramble. Hyrule answering in kind and falling to place on his other side. Twilight’s arm snaked across his shoulders and pulled him close and Wild let himself fall into him. He was getting a hold of his breathing again, but he still shuddered and shook from the unpleasantness that just came to pass and the sudden cold that flooded his body. His teeth chattered despite the warmth of the quickly setting sun on his back and his head continued its incessant pounding.

“Are you alright? Twilight asked, no doubt he could feel Wild shivering next to him.

“I’m cold, and everything hurts. So needless to say I’ve been better,” Wild forced out between chattering teeth. Without a seconds thought and trying not to jostle Wild too much, Twilight worked the pelt off of his shoulders and wrapped it around Wild. The warmth and weight of the pelt soothed him, and slowly his chattering teeth subsided and Wild relaxed further into his mentor and allowed his eyes to close.

“Alright, now I know not to eat for a little while,” Wild croaked out tiredly and he felt Twilight’s arm hug him tighter. Wild heard Hyrule hum next to him and felt his cool hand come to rest against his forehead for a beat.

“He still has a fever, not as bad as this morning but it’s still there. Wild would you mind if I took a look at your wounds? I know you already took care of them but I would like to see what’s happening.” Hyrule asked calmly as he removed his hand. Wild groaned unhappily but nodded slowly and flipped the edge of the pelt off his side.

“Thank you, I’ll make this quick.” Hyrule promised as he lifted Wild’s shirt and pulled the bandages aside. Wild peeled his eyes open again and looked towards Hyrule. He was biting his lip in concentration and his lithe fingers prodded gently against the bruised skin on Wild’s side. Wild for his part, tried not to wince at the contact but failed miserably.

“What do think ‘Rule?” Twilight asked after a moment of silence.

“It looks like it’s healing, I still see some veins of black infection running through though. But from what you’ve told me it’s not nearly as bad as before.” There was a pause as Hyrule pondered over the conundrum.

“So what does that mean?” Twilight asked and Hyrule only shook his head clearly at a loss for what to do.

“I could try to heal what’s left of the burns here, but other than that there’s not much I can do besides keeping an eye on these veins here.” Hyrule said as he traced one of the thin black lines. Wild shivered again and desperately wanted to pull the pelt back over himself and hide.

“Are you sure ‘Rule? I don’t want you to wear yourself out again on my behalf.” Wild said with an edge of warning in his voice. If Wild even thought Hyrule was using too much magic he would make damn sure Hyrule would stop before he keeled over from exhaustion again. Hyrule didn’t miss the warning and he nodded grimly.

“I’m sure, and it’s not a problem, really,” Hyrule soothed as he clapped his hands together and summoned his magic. Wild squinted at him but relented lifting his arm away so Hyrule would have a better angle.

Hyrule slowly pulled his hands apart, yellowish white sparks dancing between his palms as he did so. He hovered his hands over the healing burns, fingers twitching as he slowly fed healing magic into Wild’s bruised skin. It felt pleasantly warm and soothing with a little zing that would make Wild twitch slightly. The whole while Wild watched side long as the skin slowly turned from red to pink and finally the pale white of a new scar. When Hyrule kept going spreading his fingers wide hands glowing brighter Wild made to stop him but was brought up short when Hyrule gave a surprised yelp and whipped his hands away.

“I just got shocked!” Hyrule exclaimed in disbelief as he rubbed at his finger tips and took a closer look Wild’s side. The burns were gone, just a long white scar showing where the burns once were. Wild noticed that most of the bruising was gone from the area as well but the black lines remained like veins of obsidian running through marble.

“Are you okay?” Twilight asked shifting to get a better look at Hyrule’s hands. Hyrule nodded still rubbing at his fingertips.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just surprised. I guess healing whatever infection those veins are is out of the question.” He said thoughtfully as he removed the bandages that wrapped around Wild’s torso.

“Well, shit.” Wild said as he made to tug down his shirt. “I guess we’ll have to figure out a different way to deal with them.” He finished though he was already fairly certain that it was going to be up to him to solve that particular problem. How he was supposed to do that, he still had no idea. Hyrule stopped him from tugging his shirt down.

“Let me heal the burns on your stomach while I’m at it” Hyrule insisted but Wild shook his head.

“No, it's fine. I don’t want to wear you out.” Wild said firmly pulling the shirt down stubbornly.

“But I’m fine, I barely even got started,” Hyrule protested but Wild stared him down.

“Later ‘Rule, I’m fine for now.”

Hyrule gave a snort and rolled his eyes.

“You’re worse than Legend, I’m telling you I can handle it,” but Wild said nothing instead opting to send Hyrule a glare and pulled the pelt back over himself with finality. He felt Twilight chuckle next to him.

“I guess that’s your answer,” Twilight rumbled out and Hyrule rubbed at his eyes and sighed.

“Fine, at least drink some water. You need to keep hydrated.” He said as he dug through his pack to find a bottle of water. Twilight beat him to it, grabbing the half empty bottle from the ground where it was left abandoned and pressed it into Wild’s hands. Wild poked his nose out from the pelt and made a show of sipping the water.

“There, happy?” Wild snarked and stifled a yawn. He felt exhaustion like a heavy weight on his chest despite the pain that nagged for his attention like a needy child. He attributed his sudden exhaustion to the healing Hyrule had given as well as from throwing up earlier. He felt himself sag into Twilight and his head nodded as he felt the pull of sleep. Twilight jostled him slightly to keep him awake.

“Hey let’s move your bed roll before you go to sleep.” He said softly and Wild groaned.

“Who said anything about sleep? I’m fine.”

Twilight snorted “yeah, you’re brimming with energy.”

Wild murmured in agreement and buried his head under the warmth of the pelt again.

“Hey, no, we’re moving you first.” Twilight admonished lightly as he tugged the pelt away. Wild huffed out a protest but it fell on deaf ears.

“Come on, it won’t take two minutes.” Twilight said as he rose to his feet and pulled Wild after him. Hyrule sprang up next to him and helped support Wild’s other side. Wild gritted his teeth at the movement but said nothing.

Once they were upright Twilight and Hyrule helped Wild hobble closer to the fire and sat him down as gently as they could and replaced the pelt over his shoulders again. Wild leaned in close to the fire and warmed his hands. He could feel a chill settling over him again even with Twilight’s pelt hanging around his shoulders. He heard Twilight and Hyrule shuffling around behind him gathering up his bed roll and muttering about something. Wild sighed and winced as a small cough forced itself out from his mouth. Gods he missed not feeling like a burden, Hell he missed not feeling like death warmed over. He felt another yawn pull at his chest and tears beaded at the corners of his eyes. He knew sleep wasn’t too far behind and he both welcomed it and feared it. Something in his gut told him that it wasn’t going to be the restful nothingness he craved.

And he was right.

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[ctoaurn]

So my first Tumblr post may as well be httyd books appreciation

In the spirit of doomsday, here are some headcannons/opinions/general gushing about the httyd books bc the shaped my childhood and are criminally underrated. I hope this is cohesive.

- Fishlegs 100% visits Eggingarde regularly after the books, and has since been adopted into her family. Grandmother is outwardly cold towards him but will curse anyone who so much as looks at him wrong. Y'all can pry Fishlegs's adopted family out of my cold dead hands, honestly

- More on Fishlegs, have some angst! While he was in the slavelands, Alvin probably singled him out as being Hiccup's friend and treated him extra poorly because of it. This leads to trauma, some gnarly scars, and an insanely guilty hiccup when he finds out.

- Valhallarama is a terrible mother, even if she is a badass, and we need to stop acting like she can't be both at the same time because that takes the complexity out of an incredibly well-written character and ignores some seriously neglectful and abusive behaviors from her

- She and Hiccup probably fight a lot, but still care for each other (I can't imagine Hiccup finding out that she was just kinda standing by while he got tortured by Alvinsmen and not getting at least a little upset, even if she had a reason to not intervene)

- I had some problems with the last book (particularly the amnesia part), but hot damn if that moment where Hiccup sees toothless and remembers everything didn't make me bawl my eyes out when I first read it.

- I love how there isn't really a shipping community for the httyd books, because 1) they're kids, and 2) I headcannon Hiccup as ace, so I can't imagine him in anything other than a friendly marriage for diplomacy reasons

- That said, having Camicazi have a crush on Hiccup and get rejected/learn to get over it while still keeping their friendship would be a valuable lesson for children (or adults) reading the series to learn.

- I really like the idea of Fishlegs being an incredibly talented musician and being able to play a whole bunch of instruments. He really deserves the world

- Alvin and the witch are better villains than Voldemort don't @ me

- I have a lot of ideas for how the festival of the black star is celebrated. I'm thinking ugliest-baby competitions, axe throwing, choirs, book club (which is always packed because no one has the heart to say no to Hiccup). Very important is the non-stop shipbuilding. As the grand finale, on dusk of the final day, all the ships that had been made during the festival are set adrift and symbolically burned as a memorial to those who died in the three-way war (this is done a safe distance from town, of course). Then, when the boats are ablaze, dragons that had been hiding in the shops perform a somewhat-choreagraphed (read: they go to one rehearsal and collectively decide to wing it) light show, like toothless did in the first book.

- hear me out: anti-vaxxers, but with potatoes and vorpentitis

- Camicazi is such a fun and wonderfully written character, and I am incredibly happy Cowell avoided the trap of writing a female character as a "strong female role model" before writing her as a little girl who is very talented but also flawed. It is important for everyone, but especially little girls to have role models who mess up and get back on their feet again, and who are allowed to be vulnerable, or petty, or to have fears. I am incredibly glad I got that in Camicazi.

-Thuggory the Meathead is so freaking cool, and a severely underutilized character. I just want him to be a part of the group so bad, he's such a chill guy

- It's interesting how, in the HTTYD books, the "smart guy" is the leader, instead of the one who's best at fighting/the most outspoken (common in kids books like Harry Potter and Percy Jackson). Not that that format doesn't work, but it's kind of refreshing to see it shaken up.

- Toothless is actually my child, and I will fight anyone who says he's not just as cool as movie!toothless.

-Speaking of dragons, Windwalker? Baby.

-Even though I acknowledge that the HTTYD movies are amazing and well written and everything, I can't help but have a bias against them because the overshadow the books so much.

Well, that's all for now, because I have the flu and my brain has slowly been dribbling out of my ear this entire time. Hope everything makes sense and im not screaming at a wall here. I have major anxiety about posting things online, so sorry if I didn't do it right or something.

[spin-birdie]

there was a conversation in the rk1k discord about a spiderman au a while back and i decided to try write something about it bc its consuming like 30% of my brain

idk if i’ll write more (im way better at writing ideas down as bullet points instead of prose) but man it just seems like a neat idea idk

word count: 1.6k

pairing: general

additional tags: human au, physical violence, gavin is an unsympathetic rat boy

Look, Connor considers himself a calm person. He’s level-headed at the best of times. But he’s pretty sure even the calmest person would panic at least a little if they got stuck to their bedroom wall.

One hand is completely splayed out on the ceiling, the other one still stuck to his sneaker. His feet aren’t quite flat on the ceiling, but he certainly wouldn’t have a comfortable fall if he stopped sticking to everything. Why he’s sticking to everything, he still doesn’t know.

He doesn’t know why anything that’s happened to him today has happened; he grew a good three inches taller overnight, he accidentally stuck to his biology textbook - and subsequently tore it to shreds - this morning, and it’s like he’s jumping at the slightest provocation. There’s been a foul taste in his mouth all day, and he swears he somehow burned a piece of paper he chewed on, but he hasn’t got a fever. It doesn’t make any sense.

Even so, the thought sends Connor’s anxiety through the roof…more to the point, his anxiety is making him stick to the fucking roof.

For no good reason, he keeps thinking about yesterday. The field trip to the CyberLife Lab, the spider that crawled onto his hand and left him a painful, bruising bite. The tour guide said something about the experiments they were running on arachnids and other small animals, genetically enhancing them with nanobots in an attempt to slow or prevent extinction, or…something. But that doesn’t make sense. There’s no way to confirm the effects are transmittable to humans.

It’s probably not helping him at all to scream his head off, but he’s not sure what else he can do. He’s pulling his hand away from the ceiling as hard as he can, even trying to pry it off with the sneaker in his other hand, but it’s not working. He’s just putting more cracks in the paint.

He can’t see the door opening from his angle, but he hears it, followed by his dad’s voice: “Connor, are you o-- What the fuck?!”

At the same time as his dad swears, Connor finally frees his hand with a startled yelp. Drywall flakes off with it, but it doesn’t quite fall into his face before his entire upper body falls down with nothing to hold it up. The upside-down view of his room, of his dad’s confused and horrified expression, makes Connor nauseous.

And just a second too late, it strikes him that he’s hanging from the ceiling of an old house by nothing but the balls of his feet. With a dull crunch, the drywall above him gives out and he plummets to the floor. Connor’s fall is half-broken by his bed, but his knees land straight on the floor. Carpet be damned, it’s a rough landing.

And now there’s a perfect handprint of missing drywall on Connor’s ceiling.

---

Okay. So maybe Connor has unhuman abilities thanks to a genetically altered spider. That’s fine, probably. Kind of. Once he figures out how to ignore them, everything can go back to normal.

And for a few weeks, it’s almost like Connor gets away with telling himself that blatant lie. Ignoring them during school is hard and stressful, but at home, he’s free to throw theories (and himself) at the wall to see what sticks; and once he’s done that, he knows how to avoid triggering them. It gets a little bit easier to stop sticking to everything, to stop burning whatever enters his mouth or visibly jumping whenever something sets off his fight-or-flight reflex.

Maybe it’s a smarter idea to tell someone. Or maybe telling someone would be the fastest way to be locked up in a government facility and experimented on until someone wrote a book about him. Or maybe he’s being paranoid, but still, Connor has a bad feeling that he doesn’t want anyone to know what’s happening to him. And apart from his poor father, no one seems to know.

“Hey, jackass! I’m talking to you!”

That might change if this guy doesn’t leave him alone, though. Connor’s sharpened foresight allows him to step out of Gavin’s reach before he can grab Connor by the back of his sweatshirt. Instead of turning back to face Gavin, he pulls up his hood and keeps walking as fast as he can without looking conspicuous.

Gavin reaches out again, successfully pulling Connor back by his backpack. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

As Connor is forcefully spun around, he barely stops himself from glaring. “I’m pretty sure I’m not. And I’m pretty sure this isn’t even the way to your house, so you ought to turn back and go home.”

Predictably, Gavin ignores him. “Don’t play coy. You promised to help me out with exams, remember? I just need your English notes; I’ll bring them back safe and sound tomorrow, alright?”

“When I promised to help you, I thought that meant tutoring you. I’m not letting you copy my notes. Especially if you’re copying them word-for-word.”

“That was one time--”

“If you don’t want to listen in class, that’s your own problem.” Connor can’t quite stop spite creeping into his voice when he continues: “I’m not letting you get us both in trouble just because you don’t want to stop being an asshole.”

“Watch the tone, robot,” Gavin sneers.

“If you literally ever watched your own, I’d consider it. Instead, you have to waste all your energy on being the biggest dickhead on the planet and pretending you’re not just like every other mediocre straight guy ever.”

He shrugs Gavin off and steps back. “Ask someone else for help. I’m done talking to you.”

That proves to have gone too far as soon as Gavin shoves Connor back into the wall of a nearby building. His backpack stops his body from colliding at full force, but his head still gets knocked pretty hard. Right before Connor recovers, Gavin moves forward and punches him straight in the diaphragm. He doubles over for a moment before Gavin grabs him by the jaw and shoves his head back against the wall.

“Alright, smartass! I’ll give you one more opportunity to do this the easy way.”

It dawns on Connor just then; they’re alone. Connor is the only kid who goes home this way, and he doesn’t live in the nicest part of town. At school, there are always witnesses, no way for people to get away with beating each other up for very long. Out here, people probably won’t step in unless Connor runs for help, and he’s not sure if he can get away fast enough. At least, not without setting off his powers.

Connor bares his teeth. “Smartass this, retard that, do you even know my real name? Is your brain that small?”

Gavin hits him in the stomach again. And again. Connor thinks he hits a kidney on the third strike. And then he makes a snap decision, jerking his head to the side and biting down, hard, on Gavin’s finger.

“Ow, what the fuck?! Ow!”

Gavin recoils, clutching his hand like it’s on fire. Connor didn’t expect such a strong response, but he’s just glad he hasn’t got his back against a wall, and he wants to keep it that way. Without thinking, Connor grabs Gavin by the ears and headbutts him with all the force he can muster.

He promptly realizes a human skull is harder than he thought, so he hurts himself just as much as he hurts Gavin. And he’s within range for Gavin to reel back and knee him directly in the groin. As he curls in on himself, Gavin throws him to the ground and kicks him again in the stomach. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

He doesn’t stop, he even kicks and stomps on Connor’s ribs and face a few times for good measure. There’s blood in his mouth, and he’s not 100% sure it’s Gavin’s. He pulls his hood all the way over his face in an attempt to protect himself.

And a few moments later, it abruptly stops. Gavin breathes like he’s tired, but he’s not kicking Connor anymore.

“What are you doing?!” an unknown voice shouts. “Leave them alone!”

Gavin swears through gritted teeth, and Connor hears footsteps sprinting away. He doesn’t get up. The newcomer murmurs under his breath - their? It’s a masculine voice, at least - before more steps are heard. A hand rests on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

It takes Connor a few moments to find his voice. In the meantime, he drags himself into a sitting position, wincing at the pain. He’s definitely going to have some spectacular bruises, and that’s a best-case scenario. “I think so,” he grits out.

“Can you tell me your name?”

Connor lifts his hood enough to look at the stranger. A tall guy with tawny skin, who looks to be a little older than Connor. His head is shaved, but there’s a ghost of stubble on his jaw. His eyes are heterochromatic, focused intently on Connor even as he not-too-subtly gawks at the stranger’s arms. He’s obviously athletic, and the tank top he’s wearing doesn’t leave a lot to the imagination.

Oh, right. Still bi.

And still in immense physical pain. Connor leans over and cradles some of the worse pain spots. “I’m Connor.”

“Markus,” the stranger replies.

Something feels amiss all of a sudden. It’s close to that distinct feeling Connor gets when he’s in danger, but there’s something off about it. It’s pulling him towards something instead of away; towards Markus, specifically. Some unheard epiphany is pulling at the corners of Connor’s mind, stronger and stronger until it snaps. Almost simultaneously, they speak:

“You’re like me…”

[wakasagayhime]

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult. 

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly.  but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after. 

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.  

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their  circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear  in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017.  the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame. 

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day. 

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself. 

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you. 

[prettylittlementallyill]

have you ever had your heart broken? have you ever broken a heart?

yes to both of those. lets start with “have you ever had your heart broken?”...

let me tell you a little story. once upon a time, there was this boy (we’ll call him M) that i fell so in love with at the young age of 14 that i didn’t know exactly how to express that love. i was going through so much in my life at the time. my father had left and i was living with an alcoholic step father that physically and verbally abused me nearly every single night. i was so scared all the time and too young to understand the mental affect that this had on me. this boy was there for me. he was the person that i could lean on for absolutely anything. my best friend. i knew he loved me and i loved him too, but i was so mean to him. you see, because of my trauma, i was the kind of person who THRIVED on male attention. i had a hard time saying no to any guy who was willing to give it to me, regardless of how i felt about them. so when him and i would finally define a relationship, i would freak out because i didn’t want to ruin the one relationship i had with such a genuine human being.. so i kept breaking up with him. over and over and over again like it was nothing. it was selfish and, to this day, i hate myself for hurting him like that. one day he moved away and i finally realized just how badly i had fucked up. i couldn’t lose him. so we defined our relationship once more and this time, i felt as though i was ready. but because of our history, it was hard for him to trust me. plus, i was a slight psychopath because i didn’t understand just how a real relationship worked. but i loved him.. with everything i had.. i fucking loved him. we fought a lot, got jealous often, it was all too much. especially since we were just children. one night he couldn’t take it anymore and he broke up with me. to this day, it was probably one of the worst types of emotional pain i have ever felt in my entire life. i never got over it.. i never got over him. we stayed friends because i needed him in my life. now, here we are, 10 years later. we’ve taken our own paths, dated other people, but somehow found a way back to each other and i gotta say, i’m so terrified that he is going to break me again... but i also think he is absolutely worth all of it. i still love him. i always will.

have i ever broken someone’s heart?

well, you now know that i broke M’s heart way too many times. but he isn’t the only one. after him, i dated this other guy for nearly two years. lets call him B. we had fun together and i really cared about him. but towards the end of our relationship, i realized just how selfish and narcissistic he was. he constantly talked down to me, making me feel so badly about myself. one day, on my 18th birthday, he started a fight with me because i asked if he would dress nicely for my party. it got so heated to the point where he decided to get another ride to the party. that was the day i realized that i needed to end things. however, once again my life took a traumatic turn. my dad popped back into my life after 10 years, and my mom and little sister moved 1000 miles away, leaving me alone. i moved in with my father (that i barely knew) and his alcoholic girlfriend. it ignited my PTSD and i completely shut off. i lost myself. so instead of being a good person, i completely ghosted this guy after 2 years. took our relationship status off of social media and refused to respond to his texts. it was one of the worst things i think i have ever done to somebody and to this day, i feel so bad about it. there was one more time that i completely broke someones heart. this one is a little more recent and hurts me a lot more to talk about. where the hell to begin? well, after i had broken up with B, i went through what you would call a “hoe” phase. i didn’t give a damn about anyone, or their feelings, and just did whatever the hell i wanted, whenever the hell i wanted. a year later, i met this boy. we’ll call him C. C and i got along ridiculously well. he was cute, funny, smart, and we had tons in common. i felt myself starting to feel things for him and that was scary because it was hard for me to actually feel things. we ended up starting a relationship. things were good until his family got involved. one thing lead to another and things went south really fast. his family treated me like absolute gutter garbage. they didn’t approve of our relationship because i “came from a broken home”. i wasn’t rich, i wasn’t successful (yet because i was only 19), and i was “way too quiet”. they made fun of my anxiety, called me so many horrible names, and talked trash about my mom and sister constantly. C allowed this to happen. he never stood up for me. never said a goddamn word. i overlooked this because i genuinely loved him.. and now i know that was such a mistake. it was so detrimental to my mental heath. we were together 6 long years. 2 of those years we were married. his family never came to the wedding. he thought that was okay. things eventually got so much worse. i ended up in a horrible mental place. he spousal raped me for 2 years. it got so bad to the point where i thought about killing myself nearly every single day. however i still cared very much about him. then M and i got back in touch and he helped me make one of the toughest, yet easiest, decisions of my entire life. i filed for divorce 3 days after M and i hung out. C was so heartbroken. i watched as he bawled his eyes out and begged me not to do this. he said he would change, that he would fix things, but continued to prove me right hours later when he decided to talk badly about me to his family.. only making matters worse. its been 10 months since this all happened and he’s still in so much pain. and the worst part is, i hate myself for making him feel like this because i remember all the good points in our relationship. i’ll always care about him. he was such a huge part of my life for so long. i want him to be so genuinely happy, but i’m glad that i’m not in that situation any longer. its been so good for my mental health.

i know i for sure strayed very far away from this general topic but those are my scarring heartbreak stories. they’re the stories that helped me transform into the caring, considerate, loving person that i am today. i’m still working through all of it, but thankfully, im finally happy.

[primadonnatartuffe]

RYAN: *after hanging out with orchid, ryan's been feeling a little lighter, and leaving skaia to visit people has become that much easier. so with that feeling of freedom, she decides to stop by odimist again. she drapes on colt for a little while before she devotes her time to finn and his new baby. she's just as gorgeous as in the photos, and during the visit, she's found she's really quite fond of hanging out with tiny babies... they're in the living room at colt and little's place, and ryan has lounging with this bundle in her arms for a while now.*

RYAN: hmm sofia sofia... are there any songs about a girl named sofia? there should be.

FINN: -finn's sitting next to the two of them and it's so cute watching sofia get to know ryan. sofia's looking pretty comfortable and staring up at ryan- no but you can replace any song with shakira with sofia

RYAN: ooooh yeah there you go.

RYAN: lets sing beautiful liar.

RYAN: i can be beyonce and sofia can be shakira.

RYAN: ryonce ryonce sofia sofia.

RYAN: lets not kill the karma. lets not start a fight. its not worth the drama for a beautiful liiiaar.

FINN: -sofia gurgles-

RYAN: yeah girl there you go.

RYAN: *snickers*

FINN: already she's more musically inclined than me

RYAN: stick with me kid and well keep you on the right track. *smiles wide at baby*

FINN: -sofia smiles back for a good two seconds and wiggles her arms-

RYAN: uggh shes so cute.

FINN: -he's laughing a little and smiling because he loves this baby so much- i know

FINN: you'd think i'd be used to it by now

RYAN: pretty sure youre never gonna get used to it though. thats just how these things work.

RYAN: my parents still cant get over how cute i am. ;)

RYAN: well nobody can really.

FINN: -too true- it's a hard life

RYAN: for you. us adorable people got it so good. isnt that right sofia?

FINN: -sofia yawns-

FINN: i'm going to be dead in a week at this rate

FINN: just because of the cute from sofia and you combined

RYAN: cool. then i can steal her. >:)

FINN: you're just going to swoop right in and take her

RYAN: yep. and raise her teaching her to better weaponize her deadly cuteness.

RYAN: well be unstoppable.

FINN: sorry sofia i tried to give you a better life

RYAN: time to live a life of villainy with auntie ryan.

FINN: this escalated quickly

RYAN: *SNRK* i think thats the inevitable path when dealing with baby stealing.

FINN: did i turn out to be a villain

FINN: i guess that depends on your definition of -air quotes- stolen

RYAN: i think the definition of stolen is pretty clear cut... but maybe theres a side of finn i dont know... an evil side.

FINN: maybe there is

RYAN: oh my... ;o

FINN: what is that face

RYAN: its a face thats onto your wild ways.

FINN: someone's a little late

RYAN: pfff. okay lets be real were all onto your wild ways.

FINN: i was going to say

FINN: out of all people you really can't be that surprised

RYAN: i really cant be... not when i was there instigating it half the time. *snickers some more. they have fun.*

FINN: -they had a lot of fun. he's still laughing, shaking his head- see exactly

RYAN: *looks down at the baby for a moment after that. the pause is enough for her mind to wander. it's hard to fill in the space with positive thoughts these days.*

RYAN: hey uh this is out of the blue but...

RYAN: the other day? at the kareoke bar? ive been worried that i like.

RYAN: made things weird?? somehow.

FINN: -sofia's getting sleepy. she might be starting to doze off. finn is caught off guard by the question, not exactly expecting it- oh -he says it like a question-

FINN: why what do you mean

RYAN: i dunno.

RYAN: like... i know i was super transparent with the song choices.

RYAN: the mood just seemed to change after i sang that second time.

RYAN: and then you took off.

RYAN: like maybe you thought you were third wheeling or something.

RYAN: uhh... okay so i dont usually make a habit of addressing things like this but ive been encouraged to talk about the stuff thats nagging at my mind.

RYAN: so it doesnt start festering and i have to turn to booze or something to cope haha.

RYAN: ... yeah.

FINN: oh -he definitely doesn't want to make her feel like she has to cope with anything...not because of him, at least.- no no i get it uh

FINN: i don't know i guess i just

FINN: you know when you feel like you're in the middle of something really intimate that's not explicitly so but it still is

FINN: but you feel like you're in the way of it a little

FINN: that was where i was at i guess but it's not a big deal you guys need your time too

RYAN: *frowns* i dunno... i guess.

RYAN: its not like theres a quote unquote you guys.

FINN: -he looks away and shrugs a little- hasn't there always been though

RYAN: ... not anymore.

FINN: i mean i know not technically but -he sighs- it's still there

RYAN: *brows knit* yeah maybe for me.

FINN: i mean jack is completely different than he was three years ago and it's not like we talked during the time you were gone

FINN: so i guess i can't read him anymore but i mean it really seems like there's still something

FINN: but anyway i just

FINN: had a feeling i shouldn't be there

FINN: and it's good you two are hanging out

FINN: and having moments

FINN: and stuff

FINN: after everything

RYAN: *he says all that, but why does it feel like there's something left unsaid. is she being paranoid?* do you really feel that way?

FINN: which part

FINN: i mean it doesn't matter because i do really feel all of it

RYAN: ... i guess that part where you think its good were hanging out and having moments like you said.

FINN: oh

FINN: yeah

FINN: it's a good thing

RYAN: ugggh.

RYAN: why do i feel like its not?? am i being paranoid?

RYAN: maybe im projecting because im afraid to make any moves and i need an excuse not to.

RYAN: i dont know i suck at reading my feelings and intuitions or whatever.

FINN: -he looks ahead- it's hard to know i guess

FINN: after all that time

FINN: you can only really be certain of how you feel

RYAN: *sighs a little. she does know how she feels, at least when it comes to jack.*

RYAN: okay but... i dont wanna make hanging out with us awkward.

FINN: sometimes i just have to discern whether or not i should be there

FINN: it's a life thing

RYAN: ... i guess so.

RYAN: sorry.

RYAN: im being weird.

FINN: no you're not

FINN: i was probably acting pretty weird

FINN: that raises a lot of questions

RYAN: maybe. i probably shouldnt pry. *it raises questions, but none of the questions she should probably be asking... but it doesn't really occur to her.*

RYAN: *face scrunches a little... she looks upset.* i just dont know what im doing anymore. im a mess and i know im supposed to just let myself be a mess and let people help me but i dont want to.

RYAN: i dont even want to talk about this. but i should?? ugh. im not making sense.

FINN: -his expression softens immediately- no no i

FINN: i get that actually

FINN: -he can relate in different ways...but he can still relate to the general concept-

FINN: it's hard

RYAN: *sniffs and leans against him a little, as much as she can without disturbing the baby.* but im lonely too... i dont wanna bring anybody down or make anybody feel bad but this always seems to happen now and i cant shut it off.

FINN: -lets it happen and leans his head against hers just slightly- well you know you always have me

FINN: whether or not you can shut it off

RYAN: *peeks up at him with big tired glossy eyes* ... thanks finn.

FINN: -dONT LOOK AT HIM LIKE THAT- yeah

FINN: of course

FINN: you're pretty much stuck with me whether you like it or not

RYAN: heheh... good to know.

FINN: it thought it would be at least a little comforting -he's quiet suddenly-

RYAN: it helps... trust me. *peers at him again when a silence follows.*

RYAN: whats on your mind?

FINN: -avoids meeting her gaze and looks down at a sleeping sofia instead. he sighs- i should uh

FINN: i mean

FINN: i don't want things to be weird

RYAN: *blinks at him, confused* weird??

FINN: yeah weird uh

FINN: i don't know how to say it

FINN: actually uh

FINN: -holds his hands out for sofia-

RYAN: ... okay. *hands her back to him, getting a weird feeling in her gut.*

FINN: -sofia makes a few fussy noises before going back to sleep like nothing had happened-

FINN: i just don't want you to feel stuck so

FINN: if you need to leave you can

RYAN: *leans away again, not really sure what to make of that.* im not really in a rush unless you need me to go...

FINN: no i just mean you might want to uh

FINN: you might want to

FINN: the thing is i should tell you

FINN: even though it will do nothing

FINN: but make things weird

FINN: and somehow it's the right thing to do supposedly

FINN: i don't know why that is

FINN: it doesn't seem like it's going to help at all

RYAN: help... what?? what is it? *she's TRYING not to act weirded out even though she kind of is. but it's mostly just anxiety.*

FINN: i

FINN: have feelings for you

FINN: but it's dumb and it doesn't matter and it's irrelevant

RYAN: you... *processing... processing... but she fails to.*

RYAN: what?

FINN: -his cheeks grow red and he looks a little embarrassed-

FINN: i know it's

FINN: i know it's been obvious probably

FINN: it started years ago before you left and uh

FINN: surprise

FINN: still here

RYAN: uh... *runs a hand through her hair, reeling a little* no?? i mean no it was never obvious to me.

RYAN: jesus was i always so into my own shit i didnt even notice?

RYAN: thats typical. way to go ryan.

FINN: oh

FINN: no it's not your fault you didn't need to pick up on it i didn't want you to anyway

FINN: so points for me

FINN: i guess

RYAN: i... okay...

RYAN: well uh... im glad you brought that up. to get it off your chest? or...

RYAN: shit. im not sure what to say.

RYAN: like its cliched to be all i really like you too BUT...

RYAN: thats cliched and shitty?? you deserve better than that.

RYAN: hahaha you deserve better than me? come on dude lets be real.

FINN: -he just feels bad about it- no i know you don't feel

FINN: like i know you don't feel the same way and that's fine that's okay

FINN: like i didn't expect that or anything i know it's like

FINN: uh

FINN: i don't want to talk about what i deserve because i don't think i really

FINN: i don't want to measure myself that way because i'm not going to pass the test

FINN: you don't have to like

FINN: try to reason with me i know it's useless

FINN: it's always been you and jack from the beginning

FINN: there was never any other real relationship for either of you when you're together

FINN: you asked what's on my mind that's what's on my mind that's why i've been acting weird you don't need to fix it or feel responsible for anything i just

FINN: maybe if you know i can get over it who knows

FINN: or i wreck our friendship i don't know

FINN: i'm pretty good at that haha

RYAN: no finn thats not... thats not gonna happen. im just...

RYAN: *eyes start to water* it sucks that things are the way they are. that i cant... reciprocate i guess.

RYAN: i dont know why im always... chasing after people that im not good for haha. but hey on the bright side thats the case no matter what isnt it?? im not good for anybody.

RYAN: jacks better off without me. so was nona. so are you.

RYAN: and you should know that because yeah itd be in your best interest to move on from that.

RYAN: i know you werent trying to start anything but i-- just... why...

RYAN: im so fucked up.

-- impenetrableVitality [IV] is now an idle chum! --

FINN: -he doesn't know who the fuck nona is but he decides right now isn't the time to ask. hearing her say these things about herself...it stings.- no no no

FINN: i'm not

FINN: i'm not

FINN: fuck

FINN: it doesn't matter if you reciprocate or not and it's

FINN: you're making me sound like some kind of ideal candidate but that's not the case either

FINN: you don't see how much you're worth because you think you've fucked up beyond redemption or something

FINN: but that isn't true

FINN: we all have our shit

FINN: yours looks different than mine

FINN: jack's looks different than both yours and mine

FINN: but somehow you're still here and jack's still here even if we were all gone for a while

FINN: it's not about being good enough that is -lets out an unamused laugh- that's bullshit because who even meets that standard in the first place

FINN: what i do know is that without you around it felt like there was something irreplaceable missing

FINN: the whole time

FINN: sure maybe i became better at putting that feeling behind work but

FINN: i never stopped feeling it

FINN: because damn it ryan you are and you've always been one of a kind and i'm not just saying that

FINN: people that are like you aren't good enough

FINN: i want the real thing hanging around

FINN: crazy theatrical ryan

FINN: loud always pretty no matter what ryan

FINN: you're just -he looks down at sofia- you're worth more than you could ever realize

FINN: a few turns down some paths you don't like don't take that away from you

FINN: i need you to stick around and stay because if your shit makes it so you don't deserve to have people in your life then i am

FINN: i am right there with you

FINN: i'm not buying it

FINN: -he finally stops and...might be tearing up a little-

RYAN: *well, she's definitely started crying listening to all that, but the tears flow quietly. when he's through, she sniffs, trying to process everything with some difficulty... but the important parts stick and she leans forward to gingerly wrap her arms around his neck (careful not to squish sofia) and hold him gently.*

RYAN: youre really important to me... i hope you know.

FINN: -he closes his eyes a little and the tears just roll down his cheeks as she holds him- yeah

FINN: you are to me too

RYAN: ... jack told me that the worst was over.

RYAN: ive been trying really hard to believe that.

RYAN: it hurts knowing how much i was missed but its a relief too? i dont wanna run from people anymore...

FINN: you don't have to

FINN: maybe it's time to start running to people

RYAN: *sniffs* yeah... im gonna... crash into everyone at high speeds.

RYAN: hope you can handle a whole lot of ryan.

FINN: i'm pretty sure i've been training all my life so i'm good

RYAN: fuckin... right on. hehehe... *giggles softly, but then starts to pull away again.*

RYAN: i should probably get going home now though.

FINN: -smiles and nods at her, taking a deep breath- yeah

FINN: i have to put this one to bed anyway

RYAN: yeah... goodnight baby girl. *exhales once more, letting all the bad feelings pass... it's gonna be okay.*

RYAN: ill see you soon finn. *gets up off the couch and makes her leave.*

FINN: -it is. it's really going to be okay- bye ryan

[redlemonz]

Day #19

My liver feels quite betrayed this morning. Just lying in bed, dehydrated as hell in mind and body, and I can anxiously hear my heart beating the way it is with the after effects of the alcohol in my system. Although, that effect thankfully only lasts so long once I gulp down some glorious and thirst quenching icy cold water. The physical medicine to all my real troubles. Probably also helps that I healed rather quickly and am not hungover due to the fact that I ate a huge burger and 20 nuggets at 3am - I'm such a genius. Actually no, I'm not. The exact opposite in that regard because of how I got to that destination, but I'm not going to be able to disclose that now without further self hatred incurring so I'll leave it as it is. Nevertheless, though my memory is lacking in its details, it was a nice night hanging with my ex-work mate. Her dog was also very adorable - the poor thing is blind in one eye and quite deaf though, and is sadly nearing the end of her time supposedly. Even though she was rather smelly (even after a bath - wet dog smell, I believe it's called?) and riddled my sweater with fur, she was a joyous and welcoming new friend to me. I also got the chance of reliving my days as my high school's table tennis captain (we didn't have the most formidable team) which was exciting, as I demolished my friend in a game when we decided to start scoring (though she put up a good fight). My friend was telling me about the past weekend in which she happened to go to the same snowy mountain as her too, and stayed there around the exact same time. So obviously my mind was then fixated on her yet again, and questioned whether my friend was lucky enough to be in her presence as I wish I could've been, especially in the snow. Thankfully I didn't end up making too much of a drunken mess of myself and end up calling her. Though I did send a couple generic snaps, and I may have texted her a heart emoji at 2am.. fuck. So close. I acknowledged it today in another message, but haven't heard anything back at all - not that I need to. I'll just leave it there as it is. Here's just hoping I didn't awaken her from her beauty sleep in the middle of the night is all (though she doesn't need it). Overall it was still a good learning experience - Im pretty content now with not drinking again for a while, unless I'm comfortably with her somehow. Day 19 - personal security Spending my morning with all the nieces, as my sister and brother in law are busy cleaning their house and running errands during the day. The kids are running wild and causing havoc and destruction to everything in their path, as kids should I suppose. Someone's gotta do something though before things get too out of control and the house burns down - this feels like a job for.. The Godfather. Okay so I just wanted to hype up the scenario so that I could say that. It's actually a pretty chill time as the eldest one is watching some teen YouTube vlogger and I'm just playing catch with the 1 year old and my favourite one (whom is the only one I'm ironically not the Godfather for). Just kidding though of course - they're all my favourites. Because they all bring so much love and joy to my heart with their sweet innocence and adorability. But also because they all watch Pokemon with me. Anyhow, I picked up my guitar and started playing all that I could with my limited skill - and my nieces gathered around and loved it, and would dance along to it or simply listen in content. Except for the elder one - she's 7, so she's sensible and knows I'm probably shit at guitar. I'm actually procrastinating going to the gym and getting some exercise in too, even though I really should given the fact I actually do have decent energy right now. Fuck that unnecessary anxiety right now though, I'll just go tomorrow. I mean I'm still suffering from a busted finger from indoor (who knows how the hell it happened) so that's a valid excuse. But also primarily because I have to work security (and by that I mean we usually just stand around in a friendly red and yellow uniform for hours on end) tonight at some World Darts Championship that's supposedly a big deal. Should be entertaining I suppose, except that I'll be surrounded by old, drunk English men in the West part of town ( I've only agreed to the job tonight so that I have something to pass the time with, instead of wallowing in my thoughts and striking myself mentally further about how three weeks ago right now I'd be down there, by her side, feeling whole. Great, I miss her again - how flabbergastingly unusual. I don't think that's going to change much either when I transform into a security bitch tonight however - considering she use to be one of my colleagues too. I initially got her and a couple other friends the role, so we could all attend some free concerts essentially, and get paid for the minimal effort of work required. Also because I thought it'd be another avenue in which I'd just get to spend more time with her in general too. Except she'd be allocated the blue shirt role, which was sort of more like ushering and promoting the 'awesome events'. It made sense though - she's pretty good at putting people in their place after all, and at guiding them to where they need to be in life (yup, even ushering has philosophical undertones now). We would always try and meet up for our breaks, grab a delicious bratwurst or something - though she would've maybe resorted to a pie and donuts instead, and enjoy whatever performance was on. So you'd have me, in my red and yellow shirt (sort of like a red lemon, you could even say), and her rocking her favourite colour, but without the lime green tinge (which was a missed fashion opportunity on the Company's part - though what the hell do I know about fashion), and together we'd make one badass security couple who saved lives. Or maybe just strolled around aimlessly and showed people their seats. Wondering what she's up to this weekend as I eat some noodles and yam (thrilling meal, I know). Last she told me she'd be doing some domesticated duties such as helping around the house with cleaning and some gardening. Hopefully she's actually managing to keep an empty sink that's not up to its neck with dishes. Shouldn't be a problem considering that her parents should still be down there I think, cracking that whip. I'm actually so glad that they have been there too - ideally that's reduced any sense of loneliness she would otherwise feel when being alone in that house. That's why I suppose that I haven't felt as much worry as I did at the beginning, even though I constantly still continue to. Seems as though she's doing well and moving on with her life best as she can. It helps that she's a proactive and focused person who can potentially shove any negative thoughts aside and move forward a lot easier than others, especially me. That's just because she's always been a stronger and tougher human being. She did also mention that some twin lambs were born at the farm house at which she resides, but that unfortunately one was unable to walk, and ultimately did not make it through that evening. It was heartbreaking to hear the way in which that mother lost one of her babies, and that the other baby lost its twin sibling. In that moment I just wished I could be there and give her a comfort cuddle. There's more newborns to arrive in the coming weeks apparently too, so here's hoping things go swell in that regard. Nevertheless, I'm happy and I feel pretty lucky that she's kept me in the loop with her life and all the happenings, even though I've been demoted considerably and don't actually know where I fully stand, except on the other end of the bridge from her. She wasn't wrong at all though (classic) - it is nice that we're mutually navigating this weird after relationship zone and putting in sufficient enough effort to remain in each other's lives. Of course I'd say that though - I freaking love her after all. Star power! Myself and my mate, the leader of the pack were coincidentally working together side by side tonight, as we got designated the same team & duties. Supposedly we did an amazing job considering we were informed that our team leader sung our praises back to management as we were signing out at the end of our shifts. I actually had a reasonably great time as a result - and very enjoyable so, as none of it really felt like much work. I also ended up with a new free umbrella, which was left unclaimed. My first one since she broke mine a while ago - guess I can finally move on now, like Misty did from Ash when she finally received her bike after 5 fucking seasons. Despite everything, I still missed her presence tonight as my secutie (see what I did there). The sad part was just at the beginning as I was signing in, as the big boss was asking me where my girlfriend was. I just said that she moved down, out of our town - way too much effort and time to explain otherwise, when he's busy and doesn't actually give a shit. Just another crappy reminder of my reality though, and further makes me realise that a lot of friends (even close ones) who are presently unaware of these circumstances also. But again - I don't think they give a shit either. It's not like I've really had any of them even bother speaking to me anyway so yeah. That's probably why I'm enjoying and valuing time on my own significantly more than I believed I would initially. I don't require any fake or convenient friends, who likely probably judge me or don't want to make the effort to be present. Not that I can speak - I'm probably a hypocrite when it comes down to that too - primarily as I'm simply just not a very nice person. On the other hand, there's also been some really wonderful people in my life that I do in fact value so much more because they've reached out to me. Essentially everyone I've mentioned previously is included (local homie, mastermind, two thirds of the pack, the work-wife, my family, etc) under that, in addition to others. It's not an award ceremony so I'm not exactly going through the effort to name everyone. There's also Blondie, who was part of our New Years crew - she's always been lovely to me and is the tough yet kind, and caring yet non-sympathetic friend who slams down reality on you (in a good way - tough love). I'd definitely break more bones for her if it were ever required. So she's trying to sort out some dinner plans and catch up and everything which is rather nice. There's also my other indoor team mate who had described her similar relationship story which was almost reflective of mine - the dentist, who's been supportive and has always made the effort for me, and others whenever she's capable to. I have an incredible level of respect and admiration for her, as she's quite inspiring herself. A great dancer too - she taught me a few steps which was much more enjoyable than I imagined, once I started understanding how to move my feet. So she's taken the time to message me details about a potluck dinner which is tomorrow night - which I haven't decided upon whether I am attending yet, due to the crazy level of sociable activity this weekend has already involved. However, she has actively messaged me regarding the event, including the rescheduled date that turned into tomorrow, and has otherwise also been involved in generally just being the kind of friend I've needed. When people personally make the effort to invite you along to their events for which their social media usually simplifies the task on a broader, networked audience - it's just something a little more special. More so because they don't judge or question why you're taking a break away from the social media platforms - they simply just accept you and move on with life as your friend regardless. I mean as I've said before - I have enough self pity in my own endless hole of despair already, so I don't require any further of it from anyone else. These true friends are the ones that have shined a light as a result, and it's just a surprising comparison I suppose, because the ones I'm closest to usually (with exception to mastermind) have kept their distance. Even so, I'm grateful for all these people I constantly probably take for granted otherwise, for being the human beings that I could only aspire to be more like. Especially her - through everything we've been through, she's still been sticking by my side and has been making the effort of putting up with me and my 2am text messages. I ended my Saturday night with some late night snap message exchanges with her, right up until 1am. Though she did disclose to me that I did in fact unfortunately wake her up with my stupid heart emoji late last night, as aforementioned, so I'm not proud in regards to that. I apologised. She was much too sweet as usual, and constantly displays such care and concern for me that is simply heart warming, and brings a loving smile to my face. I really couldn't ask for a better conclusion as a result really - well, except for maybe if I had her head against my chest right now, and her arm wrapped around me. It's freezing after all.

[vile-allure]

updizzle my nizzle

Ok so anti-social hillay has been noticing something.

she likes to be the fly on the wall, and not be noticed, but still feels the need to dress to impress, but that is besides the point. basically today i really realized that I would rather sit by myself and read my book than interact with people. my social anxiety has gotten so bad. i also realized i am not a girls girl, i can not be in a group of friends that are all girls, that sounds miserable to me. i like to have a few good friends, usually in different friend niches though. i would rather have a boyfriend and doing most things with him, and invest my time in that, than to waste my time spread out with a lot of people. but at the same time i am learning to be independent and not need anyone, especially a guy to make me happy. and it is working for sure. i have become comfortable with myself, and guys who come around in my life dont really interest me, like the two guys ive really had any sort of fling with were just meh. nothing special, like i feel no need to try with them, i have zero emotions attached to it idk. i am just super antisocial i guess. but at least im learning to be ok with it, and actually enjoying my alone time.

on a side note:::

do i stay in France for another year or do i come home? lets make a list of pros and cons because this is so fucking hard.

PROS to going:

-improve my french

-get to explore paris for a whole year

-make more friendships with foreign people

-be close to everywhere, so can travel more

-learn to live in a city, and see if I like it

-independence, all on my own again, pushed out of my comfort zone, forcing me to evolve

-home isn’t going anywhere, but at the same time peoples lives are moving on over there, some people are around doing the same shit just as if I hit pause before i left

Cons to going: (good things about going home)

- venus.... what would i do about her?

-also i want a puppy hella fucking bad, and i can’t do that hear, unless.... in paris i got a dog, but that would be too hard with classes n work and a small apartment

-classes in french could be hard, i miss my english classes

-no language barrier, so my social anxiety might subside

-im 21 now so i can do things now that I wasn’t able to before in the states

-i miss gymnastics hella bad, like a lot actually, and it kept me in shape

-i’ll be able to see my fwwends, especially claudia, lindsay, ashley, maybe christiane and mikaila, we shall see, but like they are amazing people and it would be great to go back

-you have already made so many great memories, like shit, oktoberfest, arles, the solo trip to the UK, all the crazy nights in the center, including the ones with psycho stripper, the trips to Paris with interesting classmates, seeing troyboi twice, meeting troyboi, exploring the city with my parents, going to Cannes and Nice with my mammi, seeing random cute dogs on the street but not being alowed to pet them because the manners are different here, the fight over the rooms in the house, zack breaking up with me and it causing me to become a philosopher with great depth for a whole split second, me thinking those 3 weeks in the hotel would never end, the shitty airbnb with jonni. meeting alice and danielle for the first time, sitting at le festival getting drinks and me thinking about how we weren’t going to get along, barcelona with Yohann, just yohann in general lololololol, more recently, going to avignon to see my festival friends, going to the french alpes to take snowboarding lessons (holy fuck that was great) oooo saint tropez was nice-topless ft creeper miles, all the interesting interactions with Regine and Jaqueline and Aime, haha katherine ricoul le prof tres interessante, oh and so much more, i will write a post soon highlighting my most favorite memories, maybe including pictures as well, to help me remeber everything later in the future. 

-back to the cons, hmm i miss burritos like faaaack

-cars are also nice, i miss my prius, and the freedom to drive anywhere i want when i need

-oh i miss always being occupied, having too much freetime over here is actually a real debbie downer, i can even say i miss fitnfurry

-planet fitness, lololol the tanning booths were actually bae though, as well as my awesome gym buddy ashley

- home will always be there, but i’m afraid when i get back things will be very different, but that might be a good thing

-the campus at sonoma state is absoluetly stunning, i miss the big library and free printing room, and the stands they have up during lunch time sometimes, as well as the ENGLISH speaking teacher, the lecture halls, the subjects that i could actually understand and follow with textbooks

ok hillz from this, i gather that you want to go home, but at the same time you are afraid you might regret it once you get back youll realize why you were so excited to get away in the first place, and wish that you took the opportunity when you had it because soon itll be too late. aaaghh this is so difficult. but at the same time, i want to get the ball rolling in terms of my career, i want to be able to confidently take courses and take a step in the right direction for my future, and i don’t really see that happening here in france, but shit it might i honestly dont know. i decided i will base my decision on what my advisors say about the matter, if they think it will just postpone my progress idk if i want to do it, i feel so idle here, i have so much freetime ughh, i can’t take that for much longer, hopefully if i go to paris ill be able to find a job, but at the same time the anxiety of speaking is already so high, the speaking in french jsut makes its that much harder..... hmmmmm decisions decisions, my future can be so bright, i have to learn to just pick a path and stick to it. like beforehand i was not considering staying here for another year.. it never crossed my mind, i already thought a year was long, and wanted to do just a semester, and i am so glad im doing a whole year as compared to just a semester. will i regret not staying in paris for another year? or will it just be extending something that was meant to come to an end? fuuuuuuck hillary, like honestly I dont know what to tell you, do what your heart tells you. and from what i feel right now the thing really holding you back is that you are afraid you are going to get home and its going to suck, and youre going to wish you had stayed in france. but if not you have all the time in california to explore the parts of the bay and just the area that interest you, like this summer, i defineitly want to hike mount tam and stay at west point inn for a night, and then hike some more, i want to go to the san francisco zoo, and just walk around the parts of the city ive never seen, i want to drive along the coast and just take in the beauty of my home, i want to go to lake tahoe and paddle board or snowboard, i want to see the grand canyon, there is so much to do in california, so much left unexplored that I never thought to explore. so from what i gather again after all that typing is that going home is not necessarily the end of an adventure, but rather the turning of the page and a start of a new one, a new adventure on my path to self discovery and the pinnacle of health and happiness.