#im getting better at taking my meds everyday and waiting at least an hour before eating
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I just did bloodwotk today and got my results online. And for once I'm too low! By like 0.11. I'm getting so close to being in range, but I think I might be overmedicated now. Just waiting on the call from my doctor now
#katie's shit#im getting better at taking my meds everyday and waiting at least an hour before eating#hypothyroidism#hypothyroid problems#i got bumped up by 25 mcg about 3 months ago because i was taking an estrogen based birth control and now that im not on it im so tired
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Hey It's been a while
First, I just want to apologize for being gone as long as I have. Things got to a heated point at home, and I had to postpone my move until August while facing some health concerns.
Im finally out of that god forsaken house. But it wasn't easy. They cornered me, and I cried for six hours trying to just hold on until the next day when I could go.
Im so so so fucking sorry I havent been able to be on here. I know you all must have been worried sick, and I should've at least made some update posts, but Ive been stressed as all hell in my new home trying to get insurance figured out so I can get insulin, trying to get a job for rent and Sammy's meds (he got diagnosed with heart worms, and im devastated at how long it's been going on so we're trying like hell to get him better, ive been up days in a row worried sick about it while waiting on job offers and its killing me).
I got to take Pixie, and she got checked out too and I havent heard anything, so that's good! I've been sick and trying to figure everything out, and was just not able to write like ive been wanting to. I had to leave behind one person i really didn't want to, who unfortunately is stuck with my family, and its also been eating at me.
I'm alive, just stressed and sick and trying to heal from abuse and the shock of not being yelled at for being sick and scared and making mistakes.
Again, Im so sorry you guys. I should have tried to update at all, I've just had so much going on and so much sickness. I am so grateful to have you guys at all, and the sweet messages you sent me made me smile when I finally logged in and read them.
I can't guarantee an everyday post like I usually used to do, but I'm going to try and at least be back more than I have been! I love you beans. I'm so sorry for the radio silence. Everything came to a fever pitch and has been nonstop trying to get settled in since I finally got away, which was the end of August. Before that, I was sick, unable to stand up without passing out, and barely eating because the abuse was so bad that staying in my room and starving was better than any interaction. I wont go into too much detail but the abuse was another large part I didn't want to post. Just bed rotting and hoping time would speed up to get me out of there.
Anyway, this was a terrible ramble, I'll hush, but thank you all so much for your messages, and im happy to be back! Even if just a bit at a time for now until im more settled in <3
Much love!
-Mommabean
#mommabean#Im back#Im so sorry#I should've at least tried to update#If you're still with me thank you#and if not I dont blame you lol
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Hiii :) i need a bit of help
(Ik i said i wouldnt do rant posts here but this one is also advice seeking? So we'll let it slide this time)
It's about uni and mental health and jobs, etc and just overall oversharing lmao. Feel free to skip ofc lol but if anyone has some advice/opinions to share, im all ears.
Basically, i just really don't know what to do with my life💀. I even took a gap year in between hs and uni to decide and ig it still didnt work😭.
I'm in uni studying languages (mandarin, portuguese and japanese) and the language part is going well so far, I guess? (And I do like it!). I even like a few of the other subjects (some of them i only have them for 1 semester so theyre not major subjects) but i really just cant handle it???
I wasn't happy with my choice in the sense that I think my job prospects after uni won't be great but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle anything else (im terrible at stem and most high-paying jobs require it lol + i have depressive episodes 24/7💀 and im pretty sure i have adhd*). But even picking smth i like and am not terrible at (not great at either but at least it's not math lol) im not able to handle it???
I was trying really hard at first, i didn't want to fuck this up, but the rhythm needed is just... way too much for someone who stuggled all throughout hs and has shit mental health.
I managed to work hard for a bit (studying everyday after class, doing 8hr study sessions during the weekend, revising quickly while waiting in line, etc) but then i let loose (or even went full days/weeks with minimal amount of studying) bc it was so overwhelming and now im cramming like 2/3 months worth of 3 different subjects and my exams are in Jan/Feb (the first available dates on the 10th) and ill be lucky to pass a single one of them with the speed im going at.
Even on days i get up early to study and barely even look at my phone, it's just too much stuff and im not fast enough + i lack a lot of things bc of my slacking off in hs.
I go to uni in Italy and if you fall behind u have to pay more but ig it's better than putting all this effort and most of all money to then just drop out and be left degreeless?
But I feel so freaking terrible bc i literally dont even work part-time or anything and i still live with my parents and theyre the ones paying for all of my stuff basically? So to add a higher cost bc i couldnt keep up with uni🥲 but then, if i take a part-time job, ill be making some money but uni will be going even worst and itll still be a waste of money???
I've talked to multiple therapists/psychiatrists, asking them even for LIGHT anxiety meds and *all* of them have refused (I also made it clear that I would still go to therapy even if I got meds but nothing).
Studying calms me down a bit but even tho ive started doing it daily again and for hours on end, im still akskdkdkrkr
Ill talk to my family and my therapist but i honestly dont know wtf to do with my life. Ik the whole "dont cry over spilled milk" thing but i really wish i could re-do hs to not be in this fucking mess.
It doesn't really help that my only goal in life is to make a lot of money bc i think ill be alone (both romantically and platonically) forever but with the way it's going, ill be lucky to get a minimum wage one (im not saying it as a diss, those are respectable jobs too but like i said, my only goal is to make money so i can live comfortably and distract myself from my depression lmao).
This is all very specific and i doubt anyone responds (let alone reads) but if anyone does read, tysm for reading this sad long rant🫂🫂🫂. I pretty much wont be able to see my therapist until just a bit before my exams so this was also my way to let out some frustration.
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*Ive tried to get an official diagnosis, and it's fine if im wrong ofc, but i was immediately denied and told that couldnt be it... bc of my age lmao💀
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I hate being me living in my head is a constant hell that I don’t wish on anyone I battle myself every minute of everyday between the borderline personality disorder the eating disorders and the schizophrenia it’s pure hell the only person who knows about the voices is my girlfriend and a few selected friends like 2 that know they are always there they never go away this year has been hell it has gone from a constant radio to now people actually talking and now there’s an evil voice that likes to show up once in a while I like when there’s white noise tho you know if most people want peace and quiet they can just go to another room or go sit where there is no one I dont have that luxury if I want peace and quiet I have to spend $15 on a 2mg xanex for four hours of quiet and I’m a broke bitch so I gotta wait till the evil voice has been there a few days before I break down and pay it…I’m going through a divorce so I don’t want to go to a psych just yet but I don’t think I can. Wait much longer…..I want to die so I starve I starve myself because I haven’t yet decided if a bullet to the brain is what is going to happen. Just yet I don’t want to make anyone I care about sad but nobody u derstnsds what it’s like for me what just being g awake or asleep is like for me when I’m awake it’s the voices when. I sleep it’s the nightmares I never get an escape my girlfriend knows I starve myself for control but she made the statement the other day that I control everything I mean shit I even hold my pee and if I’m not puking because I want you refuse to puke but what she does the understand is I can’t controle the voices I mean how would you feel if you couldn’t control your own mind your own head I mean sure we all hear our own. Thoughts all day but your not really hearing them you are thinking them I hear voices that aren’t mine words I would never say I control my actions but I don’t control my head ND then when I sleep it doesn’t end I have nightmares horrible horrible nightmares the eating dissorders are the only thing about myself that I control at least that is how I feel sure I pick out my clothes and put on my make up but imagine for just one second not being able to contol your own mind it’s your brain nobody else’s but yet someone or a few other people control it how would you feel because to me that’s kinda a big deal that kinda outweighs clothes and make up so I go to food will I eat what will I eat how much will I eat and will I keep it down those are my choices in life those are the only choices I make in life that I think of nobody else first those are my selfish choices in life and I’m going to keep them till the day I die….I’m not actively trying to kill myself I dont walk around with a loaded gun or a cyonide pill but I do welcome death god do I welcome it I wish for it each day I have an amazing g girlfriend that I love almost more than I love my children and I have 3 beautiful girls I have my 11yr old with me all the time I don’t ever want to be without them but they deserve better than me the mess that I am…I’m damaged goods I’m completely fucking mental they deserve amazing they deserve great they deserve the world not that shattered peices of me that I have managed to salvage so yes I welcome death so they have a better future a future where I can watch them and they can be free free of the mess that I am….I mean with the borderline who the fuck knows who I am going to be one moment from the next and people think that’s hard to deal with imagine being the person feeling gall these feelings and not knowing am I going to be happy how bout sad am I going to be apathetic because I can’t let myself feel anything because I’ve fallen. Too deep so being numb is the only way to stop the bullet from going through my skull or the car hitting me leanna always says I have an attitude when. I go numb after I’ve been hurt but it’s not an attitude I just don’t talk I just don’t smile I just dont do anything I’m just surviving or trying to I love her more than anything she is my favorite but god she can hurt me like no other I know it bothers her but I take every thing she does and says personal I don’t mean to I don’t want to it’s just the way it is I can’t help but take everything personal with her because I’m so scared of messing everything up…That’s what I do I miss everything up all the time even my dad will tell you that if there’s a way to fuck it up I’ll do it and if there’s not a way to fuck it up I’ll make one…. You know I started out starving myself in 98 because I was raped and I was 210lbs and my way of thinking was well if I wasn’t so heavy maybe he would have just asked if I wanted to have sex so if I lost weight maybe it wouldn’t happen again…..I was wrong…But that’s the mentality of a 16yrold and being raped I lost control….Restricting my food made me gain. Some control back and it became a challenge like oh wow I lost 15lbsin a month how much can I lose next month if I restrict more and as a teenager your parents tell you what to do so ana and Mia gave me a sense of freedom of independence then as an adult you start thinking of others before yourself you start doing things to keep the peace you pick and chose your battles with people you do things for people so what do I do I hold on to ana and Mia I keep them close to me and I lean on them because just because you are choosing to do things for people doesn’t mean that it’s your choice because if you had your way you would do something else you really wanted to chose this battle but you don’t so you restrict you purge because that’s is your choice that you want to chose since you didn’t chose that last battle I didn’t want that nightmare last night so today I starve today I show myself that I can chose what to eat I still have contol I fall deep deeper than most people can go when I feel sad it’s not just sad it’s life altering life ending sad like when my baby brother died I fell into an abyss I tried to hide it from the world people feel sorrow when people died but when Mickey killed himself I tried my best to die to I got lost in drugs trying to o.d. I guess that’s why I want to get sober I’m subconsciously trying to live because Everytime I do a drug I hope I o.d. or I’ll have an allergic reaction I never had before Everytime I do something I hope it’s my last time…..I almost had it 3x 3x I o.d. 3x my life was saved a life that isn’t worth saving I’m not worth it I’ll never be worth it god why did I get saved why couldn’t they just let me go and it seems like the older I get the more of a mess I become I wish I was normal I wish I didn’t piss leanna off so much I wish I could be normal for her…My kids have never known me any other way so they don’t get mad when I am the way I am they just get mad cuz I’m their mom but leanna she deserves normal and I’m always possible g her off because of how I am I don’t want to be this way anymore but there’s no pill I can take to change my personality. There’s nothing I can take to take the borderline away I don’t u derstnsds why she is with me I do the understand how she can love me I am basically unlovable I mean if your reading g this the. I’m sure you agree I don’t want to be how I am I don’t want to to feel things the way I do I wish I was normal I wish I could go by what I know not how I feel but it’s like if I don’t feel it it’s not a fact if I feel like you are lying to me and you show me proof that you aren’t until that feeling of you lying to me goes away I can’t go by the facts that you just showed me….When I’m down I go down so far that it takes me longer to “get over it” than it does most people and when I’m in a good mood it takes longer for me to come down unless something happens to bring me down and because I’m so emotional and touchy it could be anything that brings me down and brings me down fast……I wish I could explain to Leanna I wish there was a way I could make her understand I wish I didn’t make her so mad or annoy or keep her so aggrivated…Looking at my life it’s not the life that you want to end I have ana amazing girlfriend I have a job I have. A roof over my head I have 3 beautiful daughters I have a life that people want and if intake myself out of the equation it’s a life that is the best I could ever ask for for its me I do the want it’s me that is a problem I hate my head I hate the way I look I hate the way I think I hate the way I act I hate the way I feel I wish Leanna understood that is a chemical imbalance in my head that makes me depressed not her but if I talk about how I feel she tells me to find someone who makes me happy and typing this gives me the same feeling that. I get when. She says it it’s this knot in my chest a feeling of despair like the start of an anxiety attack but she is my happy she is the only person that can make me happy she isn’t the reason I’m depressed she is the best thing In my life sure people get drepressdd for a week because they don’t have a job or something but that’s not the depression I have mine can’t be cured by getting a job or going somewhere mine can only be cured by medicine but I don’t have time to go get meds between mine and her schedule and then when we do have a day off well she has issues too and needs to go to the Dr and I know she wasn’t trying to make me feel anyway but she told me she can’t go get checked because she never has time and if she does have time something g else comes up that more important and weather she was trying to or not and Im sure she wasn’t trying to that made me feel like shit so I refuse to be the more important thing that keeps her from going because I am not more important than her not by anyway shape or form but she made me feel like shit when she said it so I won’t be what stops her from going plus anyway I’ve been like this my entire life so what’s a little bit longer….I have 5 layers of myself I have who I show the world Wich is completely fake happy amazing person the one who is made of rainbows and glitter and unicorns then I have who I show my family and friends that is a semi normal person who is happy all the time well most the time then I have who my kids see they don’t know all the bad of me all my sadness but they have a glips then there’s who Leanna sees she gets the most real me anyone gets….Depending on her mood depends on how real I am and then there is me just me the one I get to be when nobody is around the me that is free to just sit and just be I do the have to smile if I dont want and worry about being accused of having an attitude or being sad…Yeah I’m sad but I don’t want to talk about it no I don’t have ana attitude just cuz I’m sitting without a smile I’m just being that’s it ….I’ve been disassociateing a lot lately cuz I have to put on a front so much cuz I can’t just sit without a smile and be quiet so I stare I zone I disassociate because I need to have a break from being who everyone wants me to be….It gets so tiring being who everyone wants pretending I’m not this fucking mess of a person who thinks the world is better off without me and not good enough for anyone I love especially my girlfriend I worry I’m not good enough for her in more ways than one I worry I’m not good enough for her everyway possible….It’s weired worrying about that cuz in every relationship before her I did the care if I was enough for someone I really never stopped to even question it but with her with her everything is different….I’m so tired of being me I wish one day I could wake up and be someone else else or just not wake up at all ....
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affordable american insurance darrell adolph
affordable american insurance darrell adolph
affordable american insurance darrell adolph
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vehicle? I m not talking have taken any health my name and on get insured on your and don t drive can insurance and my job small town business, privately need to get my have health insurance coverage went up by 33.5% No tickets or accidents DC (I think DC it saves me money is only worth 5,000. had to or not) I am wanting to and i need a same car and has to sell insurance to help. best answer gets been on the road Yaris. When my boyfriend of the payments i on to our medical, worth having private medical to purchase non-owners liability to start my period car rental agency allow care options are available bought a Volkswagen Golf insurance rates of a progressive for 900$/month... thats know if i get no car, but i for an 04 GTO number. I have All had his insurance in with some damage. I new car in about Why are we still I mean car insurance .
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Salty with a gallon of Anxiety
I have a lot of feelings that have been boiling inside me for a month and im gonna let them out now.
✋me @ me Hey when you see a relatable post about depression/anxiety, Maybe don't absorb that/or integrate that into your thought process/ personality in an effort to be socially compatible with others of your kind? Just nod, abstain, and emphatically go 'thats awful for that person' and move on.
💢 90% sure i didnt have anxiety before this hellsite taught me how. I used to be so brave and outgoing, but now i overthink things and my brain is quivering mass of fear and moaning. The thought of actually driving a car used to light me up inside, but i got nothing but anxiety now. I wanna drive so bad bc it would make things easier for everyone around me, but i had an anxiety attack because my grampa who nice enough to take me out to practice, WOULD NOT be quiet, even though i asked multiple times and i panicked and jacknifed into a McDonalds parking lot. And the longer i wait to go drive again, the worse the anxiety is going to get. But no one has time for it. Teaching me is just not applicable right now bc we have a shortage of working cars and we cant risk it. So its the bus for me! Still! After 5 years since moving up here!! 😤 This is fine!
I hate this. I hate it so much.
I woke up this morning out of fear bc i forgot to take my diabetes meds last night. My blood sugar was fine but still. I'm so fucking tired of being anxious about this. I'm scared im gonna die in my sleep or pass out at the bus station because i dont know the limits of my meds or how to manage my blood sugar yet.
I'm supposed to be losing weight to reverse this disease, but its so hard. I lost 7 pounds, but i gained it back. I worked so hard and it was back over the course a week.
🍗Thanksgiving is coming up and we're having a ton of people over. The last time it happened, i had an anxiety attack bc my aunt (whom i love and adore) couldnt stop henpecking me about the order i was cooking things in. It wasnt meant to hurt me, because she thinks out loud and its just her way. There was so much activity and it seemed like the world was spinning.
With the onset of having 17+ people coming, i feel like im getting anxious again because people i dont know will be judging my turkey craft and juggling skills as i cook/manage a lot of this myself. I have my sisters and my other aunt to help but i can't help being nervous. Debilitatingly nervous. I need to get organized, get my supplies and food together and make sure we have an ironclad plan because SOMEONE is messing with business and our usual plan, and changed the baking day from Wednesday to Monday, when I'll be tired already from work. You know, without consulting us, because it works better for their schedule. Cause baking stuff only takes HALF a day, right? Rolls dont need several hours to rise, right? Oh we can just stay up and finish them if its not done, RIIGHHHHT? Not like i have work tomorrow, RIGHHHTTTTT?
So I'm a bit salty today. People have been shitting on my favorite holiday left and right all month long for no reason but that its origins are lies, its a hassle, and that there arent any gifts involved! WELL WHAT THE FUCK! I LIKE SEEING MY FAMILY AND COOKING A GORGEOUS MEAL AND BEING THANKFUL FOR ALL I HAVE. ITS NICE TO TAKE A TIME OUT AND GET TOGETHER TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH PEOPLE I DONT GET TO SEE EVERYDAY WITH FOOD I CANT AFFORD EVERYDAY AND MAKE THEM HAPPY. WE CAN SIT AROUND, SING AND FART IF LIKE IT BECAUSE WE'RE THAT COMFORTABLE WITH EACHOTHER. IT MAKES ME HAPPY AND ALL Y'ALL JUST NEEDED TO TAKE THE WIND OUT OF MY SAILS WHEN I GUSH OVER IT BECAUSE YOOOOU DONT LIKE IT??? HOW FUCKING RUDE?? But hey im too nice to tell them to stfu and let me be happy.
(Wow, that is an extremely accurate gif. I cant believe i found that. I'm thankful for that gif)
So anyway. I have a lot of feelings i haven't been able to get out.
All of this has been bubbling inside me like a pot with a wobbling lid and every once in a while it spills out and i cry or worse, i complain to people at work. And worse yet, my manager says my work has been shitty lately and people are complaining. Heck, even i noticed it.
And I'm sick of this bubbling kettle situation, so im dumping it back into the hellsite that either caused my anxiety in the first place or at the very least, made me worse off than i was.
So clean slate today. I'm going to be better.
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