#im fine but i probably need beta blockers

[prosk8r]

I'm in the hospitalllllll

[skywitchmaja]

my car won’t start which is probably a sign i don’t actually need to go to the doctor right?

[swampgallows]

just threw up. cool.

im having two different kinds of issues right now. first, i was having tachycardia, a resting heart rate of over 100 bpm for several days. sadly i think it is because i got novavax, and i regret getting it at cvs instead of Costco. i feel like Costco would've known more what they were doing compared to the morons at cvs, but i didn't know at the time that Costco would've taken my insurance. literally every time i make an impulsive decision i end up paying for it. after several days of high rhr i talked to an advice nurse who told me to be evaluated. my ekg was normal, and i was prescribed propranolol prn. after taking it for 4 days, ive had a nonstop headache/migraine for 3. it lowered my heart rate down to mid 70s, which is slower than it was even before the tachycardia, and slightly lowered my bp (which wasn't too elevated, just the rhr). i broke down this morning and took excedrin, and decided i would no longer take the beta blocker. (it's a low dose, i only took it for 4 days once a day, and it was prescribed "as needed", so it's fine to stop.) luckily my headache is mostly gone and my heart rate is still in the 70s, but the spasm/twinge feeling is back (probably from the caffeine in the excedrin), and like i said, i threw up.

the other problem ive been having on and off since mid August is some kind of sinus issue. i don't get congested per se, no sniffles or phlegm, but my upper sinuses feel blocked or inflamed, resulting in pressure/pain, ear fullness, difficulty breathing through my nose, and sometimes a feeling like choking or drowning from a phantom post nasal drip (nothing actually drips). decongestants and some sprays have helped but i don't want to rely on them, especially now with this new heart rate issue. two rounds of antibiotics didn't seem to help. my house is too dry for mold, and i don't have any known allergies. sneezing feels amazing whenever im lucky enough to experience it. i also have tmj issues, which makes the ear fullness even more annoying. i tried a neti pot as a natural alternative to decongestants, and the crackling sound it made in my ear was so loud i immediately stopped (it says not to use it if there are ear issues).

waiting on a ct scan as ordered by an ENT. cursory looks in my nose and ears were clear according to doctors.

threw up again in my mouth just now.

tldr something is fucking up with my sinuses, and sadly i think the novavax gave me heart problems. i had absolutely zero issues with my heart before this. hoping it goes away. i didn't have these issues with mrna vaxes, but i thought novavax would keep me safer from covid. to my knowledge ive still never gotten covid. who knows, maybe all of this really is just "Anxiety™️" like the dismissive doctors keep telling me, and the stress of sacrificing everything to be vigilant about covid is killing me instead of the dumb virus. whatever.

[crimsun-n-clover]

why are medical professionals all professional cunts

went to the cardiologist today for my probable POTS and was so close to just MAULING these bastards

first nurse was alright. respected my autism (bare fucking minimum) and warned me before doing things. immediately made a bad impression though because she walks in and goes “i’m gonna have to ask you to take your headphones off and be in the moment with me” and i said “too autistic for that” and she was cool with it. as if that fucking matters? even people who are just prone to anxiety shouldn’t be questioned for their sensory aids. it’s not about disrespect, but now it sure fuckin is. i don’t need to “be in the moment” with you. i’m listening. neither of us want to be here so don’t pull that shit and make it worse.

she leaves and in comes a new enemy

she’s this scrawny, balding west asian woman. she keeps doubting me and asking me to describe basic symptoms in ridiculous ways as if they don’t happen constantly daily. she kept insisting that i took lexapro as a beta blocker when i took it for depression. we had holter monitor test results and she says “whatever that is” girl. you are a nurse practitioner working under a cardiologist. i’m gonna fucking kill you. i’d react like a normal person to her incessant bullshit and she’s raise her voice and cut me off and talk down to me like i’m fucking crazy. i tell her that my therapist and psychiatrist think it’s POTS and my primary care doctor is a piece of shit who thinks i’m faking everything so he doesn’t count. and she goes “well they’re not doctors are they” in the bitchiest tone. NO? THATS WHY IM HERE. quit doubting me you rabid cunt.

if i weren’t me and heard someone describing my symptoms i’d be like “holy shit you’re dying” but nooo

third one comes in and he’s the actual cardiologist. the second bitch stands behind him guarding the door. it looked like a little kid calling for backup. anyway. this guy sucked significantly less but felt the need to describe that anxiety is normal and that ohhh it could be your thyroid or anemia

next person who says “thyroid” dies by my blade

i have blood labs that say all that shit is fine and i’ve been dealing with this for FIVE YEARS and now it’s getting bad enough that i’m collapsing. this isn’t my fucking thyroid. you’d think after FIVE YEARS of treatment and solutions and therapies and even a FUCKING WITCH DOCTOR someone would’ve figured out something was up with my thyroid. and they did and it’s FIXED NOW.

anyway. i now have a heart monitor strapped to my chest for the next month and i’m seeing the cunts again in six weeks. it’s not waterproof, just water resistant. i have to carry around a bigass android phone that’s connected to it to report when i feel symptoms. i can’t turn the brightness down.

because of the heart monitor i’m gonna have to stop doing at least half of my heathen shit.

they’re getting live reports and flags of cardiac activity so. i’d assume no sex, no caffeine (or at least not the 300 milligram miracle cure i usually take), nothing thrilling, whatever. just kill me at this point. that’s all i care about. who am i if i’m not high, getting off, or stealing shit??

just strap me to that fuckin tilt table and get the torture out of the way so i can rip this fuckin thing off of me ffs

[nereol]

Late, Late At Night

A Val (fem-streetkid-V) / Kerry feat. jealous Johnny one shot (words: 1834), post Holdin’ On: “need a power nap - wanna join me?”

You can read this on AO3 or on my WorldAnvil page (with pics, music and other stuff).

"Uhm..." Kerry looks down at her slightly frowning. "You two talked again?" Val sighs in annoyance. "More like 'we argued again'." Kerry can't help but grin. "He was always good at that." Val's still avoiding Kerry eyes. "He's such a dick." She sighs again. "Well" Kerry chuckles. "Can't deny that." That's when Johnny starts talking again from across the room. "Fine, just talk about me as if I weren't here, af if I were..." But Val interrupts him without looking at him. She knows exactly what he just wanted to say. "Johnny, you ARE dead."

platonic or romantic, can be read as pre-relationship

Val's head aches and she sighs while walking up the stairs in Kerry's mansion. Giving Johnny control was exhausting. The fact that he drank a lot doesn't help either. She rubs her temple with one hand. 'Why does my cheek feel like I've taken a punch?' She grimaces as she strokes the right side of her face. "'Cause Ker slapped me... you..." Johnny's Voice in her head and she sighs. Kerry's lying in his bed on two thick pillows his hands folded behind his head. And legs spread wide, still wearing just briefs and his bathrobe, and Val has to pull herself together not to stare at his crotch. He doesn't look at her, when she walks over to him.

"Feel like shit, too?" Val stops next to his bed. "Nah, need a power nap." Then Kerry's looking at her with a slight smirk. "Wanna join me?" Johnny appears glitching immediately standing with his arms crossed by the other side of the bed. "Let's go V. He's joking." He sounds annoyed. When does he not...

Val's answering him in her thoughts. "Ya sure about this?" She smirks. "I don't think so." Johnny looks at her, aviators on she can't see his eyes, but looks like he's pissed. "Oh, you won't..." But Val interrupts him. "Oh, I will!" She answers firmly. "I'm tired as fuck, I won't drive all over the city right now." "You can't be serious!" Johnny's voice is loud now and stares at Val from across the bed. "You aren't long enough in my head to know exactly that I am?" She stares back at him and Johnny turns around runs his hand over his face groaning.

"Uh... V? You okay?" She's almost forgotten Kerry's still there, lying on his bed between them. "What... yes" She looks at Kerry who's looking at her frowning. "You're starring into space." Kerry looks more or less at Johnny or just where Val's looking before, because of course he can't see Johnny. "Oh, I..." Val sighs and avoids Kerry's eyes. "I just talked to Johnny." "To..." Kerry takes a moment to think about that. "In your thoughts?" "Yeah..." Val shrugs and her gaze follows Johnny as he paces up and down the room. "...kinda."

Kerry looks confused. "That's... weird." "Yeah, it's even weirder that I can tell ya 'bout it..." She looks at Kerry. "That you know he's there." Then she start so take off her steel-toe boots. "He say's you're joking." "What are you..?" Kerry eyes her. "Joking 'bout what?" Val takes off her socks and stuffs them into her boots before looking at Kerry with a smirk. "About joining you, takin' a nap." "Uhm..." Kerry isn't sure about it himself, whether it was just a joke.

"You know what." She takes off her jacket. "I don't care if it was a joke. I'm fucking tired." She drops her jacket at the floor next to her boots. Kerry looks at her a bit puzzled, eyebrows raised. Then his gaze falls on her chest, where the outlines of her pierced nipples show through her tank top. Val's hands are at the zipper of her pants now. "Are you kidding me?" Johnny shouts from across the room. Val ignores him, opens her pants.

"What..." Kerry looks at Val's hands. "...are ya doin'?" "Oh, I'll not sleep in this. Not exactly comfortable." She answers casually. "You're just wearing briefs, Kerry. I keep myself from staring at your crotch constantly." She smirks at him before she starts to pull down the tight pants. "So it's just fair play." Kerry swallows. He's usually not shy, has seen enough in his life. But Val is a lot. Pants half way down Val looks at him, bent forward. "Besides, I'm supposed to be your new output, right?" She winks at him and then winces a little when Johnny's yelling again. "You heard that?!" He sounds startled, his voice almost cracks.

"You..." Kerry's gaze is on her chest again. Bent forward her boobs are near to completely exposed by the loose neckline. Kerry swallows hard and puts himself together. "You've heard us?" Val steps out of her pants, which are lying on the floor now. "Bits 'n' pieces." She shrugs. That's when Kerry sees the tattoo on her right arm. 'Johnny + V' in a heart. Val can see confusion and disbelief in Kerry's face and follows his gaze. "Oh..." She raises her arm a little. "That's..." She sighs and shakes her head slightly. "That's what happend when I gave him control the first time." "You..." Kerry stares at the ink still in disbelief. "You're telling me, that Johnny..." He's speechless. Val shrugs again. "At least it's small enough to cover it up with something... better." "What!?" Now it's Johnny who's looking at Val in disbelief, frowning and his eyes are going back and forth between her face and the tattoo.

Val's still ignoring him and now just in panties and her loose top she sits down at the edge of Kerry's bed. "Move a lil'." She turns around to look at Kerry. "Well, unless you want me to snuggle up." She winks and Kerry shifts a little. Johnny stands with his back to the bed and his arms crossed in front of his chest looking out of a large window. "Letting Johnny take control is just fucking exhausting every time." Val stretches her arms and yawns. "I wouldn't want to drive all the way to Watson right now." She looks at Kerry and smiles. "So, thanks."

"No problem." Kerry eyes her as she shifts down a bit more, stealing a pillow from him and is getting comfortable. "Just so you know..." She rolls over, one arm under her pillow and looks up to Kerry with a smirk. "I'll probably cuddle up after I fall asleep." Kerry chuckles low. "Oh, I don't mind." Val can hear Johnny's groaning, but ignores him. "Well..." An evil grin on her lips. "We could cuddle now." Kerry isn't quite sure if she's joking. But based on how he's gotten to know her in the last few minutes, she's probably serious.

Johnny has turned around, continuing to rant. "Seriously? Out of all people, Ker? V, you're just..." He runs his hand over his face and Val props herself up a little, to look at him. Kerry follows her gaze but of course he can't see Johnny so he looks at Val from the side as she frowns in annoyance. "There are enough other people in this city." Johnny's voice is loud again. "...not that ya didn't know, you already fucked about half of 'em!" He gesticulates with his arms.

Val remains unimpressed and looks at him annoyed. "Since it seems to bother you so much -" Her voice is calm. "Should I take beta blockers?" "Hell no!" Johnny's answer comes quickly. Val cocks an eyebrow. "So... am I gettin' it right? Usually you complain when I didn't take some and ya telling me how terrible it is being stuck in my head cause you 'have to witness how I'm fucking everyone who can't flee fast enough'." She emphasizes the last part.

Johnny winces a little, because Val's remembered his words, words he said just weeks ago. "You remember..." He mumbles, but she pays no attention, keeps talking to him through her thoughts.. "But now, out of all moments, I'm not allowed to take some beta blockers." Her voice is still calm but she looks angry. "Ya afraid leavin' me alone with 'im or what?" Johnny says nothing, looking at her with narrowed eyes.

As she continues she sounds mad. "I just let ya alone with him. I trusted you with that. Even after what ya did the first time!" She groans. "Ya jealous or what?" "I'm..." Johnny's about to answer when he falls silent, realizing he has no idea how to answer. She's right, she trusted him. But jealous? Who of exactly? It was he who kinda introduced her to Kerry - and definitely not to fill a blank space on her long list of crushes. Hell no - Ker is old enough to be her grandpa... and he's one of very few people knowing about Johnny and the relic. And one of even fewer people who really knew him. Thinking 'bout it - the only person besides Rogue. Leaving Val alone with him... with him of all people.

Fragments of his thoughts appear in Val's mind, but she can't figure them out. She feels annoyance and anger - are those her feelings or his? Confusion - clearly hers and his. And... a hint of jealousy, somewhere at the very back, as if he were pushing it away. Val frowns and tries to ignore his thoughts and feelings. She's not going to ask him about it. He has to figure that out for himself, that's his problem and not hers.

"What? You have nothin' to say anymore?" Val's angry voice interrupts his thoughts and Johnny startles a little, looking at her with a frown. She's right, he has no idea, what to say. His own thoughts are confusing him. "Whatever." Val speaks out loud and turns away from Johnny, lies down again facing Kerry but doesn't really looking at him.

"Uhm..." Kerry looks down at her slightly frowning. "You two talked again?" Val sighs in annoyance. "More like 'we argued again'." Kerry can't help but grin. "He was always good at that." Val's still avoiding Kerry eyes. "He's such a dick." She sighs again. "Well" Kerry chuckles. "Can't deny that."

That's when Johnny starts talking again from across the room. "Fine, just talk about me as if I weren't here, af if I were..." But Val interrupts him without looking at him. She knows exactly what he just wanted to say. "Johnny, you ARE dead." Her voice is calm again, almost carelessly. "Must be exhausting to have him around 24/7." Kerry continues, not hearing anything of their conversation. "What the fuck, Kerry!" Johnny shouts angry.

Val has decided to ignore him completely now and answers Kerry. "It is... sometimes." She yawns and continues with lower voice. "Thanks Kerry, very hospitable of ya." "No problem, kid." Kerry moves down so that he's lying on his back next to her. He lifts his right arm, looking at Val with a smile. "Come here." Val shifts closer with a grin, rests her head on his chest, feeling the soft fabric of his bathrobe at her cheek and places one arm over him. The arm with the tattoo.

Kerry's looking at it for a moment, then he wraps his right arm around her shoulders and while resting his cheek on her head he speaks with low voice. "You know, he said I'd like ya." He grins a little. Val snorts in disbelief. "Sure ya didn't mishear 'im?" Kerry chuckles low and Val can feels the vibration in his chest. She sighs and closes her eyes, trying not to think about Johnny. Thankfully she's exhausted enough to quickly fall asleep under the steady rise and fall of Kerry's chest.

[comefeedtherainn]

For the ask me: 5, 9, and 15 pwease

ohhh thank you fwiend! lmao i will assume this is for BoD but if not lemme know and i’ll do it again kdhgpaodghpdogh

5: What part was hardest to write?

GOD. OKAY. LISTEN. DO Y’ALL UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME TO WRITE CHAPTER 50???? (minor spoilers below lmao)

like not in the “nooo i dont wanna hurt kaidan!” way but just like...idk WHAT it was but i just could not get that chapter out. i kinda went into it blind and that might have been my first mistake, but i also think that im not very interested in like “torture for the sake of it” type of shit?? like i didnt want it to be too outlandish and i didnt want kai leng to be too much of a supervillain??? it was a hard balance to strike and im not confident i succeeded, tbh.

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

not REALLY, i mean the plot was always the plot and kaidan was always the mc, right from the beginning. BUT, for part three i did briefly consider doing alternating pov between john and kaidan. i ultimately decided not to because i do believe that one of the story’s greatest strengths is that it is limited to kaidan’s pov and the knowledge that kaidan is privy to, which (even without my au) is vastly different from shepard’s experience. 

chapter 50′s events is one of the big reasons that i considered this, along with other coming events. it was hard to do the kidnapping trope with EXCLUSIVELY the kidnapee’s pov...who is also going through beta blocker withdrawal and severe migraines and also malnourishment and is therefore not all there in the head (OR EVEN CONSCIOUS HALF THE TIME). not to mention the fact that we couldn’t see shepard’s face during kai leng’s video call, so that took a bit of working around to get his rage across to the reader. man, that chapter kicked my ass lmao and it WASNT EVEN THAT GOOD. if i had the chance i’d probably rewrite that chapter, or cut it completely...ALAS.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

A LOT.

i learned how absolutely vital outlines are, and how much a story can change even just during the first draft. this fic is technically a first draft, and not something i would consider publishable in THE LEAST. i’m just having fun so im fine with that, but im not even done with the damn thing and already i’d like to rewrite the entirety of part one. i would do it so differently. not to mention the clumsiness of part two; there was so much information to fucking put on paper, it NEEDS a rewrite to really do the thing justice. but, such is the nature of serial posting/writing.

i’ve also learned how to fit writing into my daily life, and how to prioritize it. the last couple of months aside, i really have written nearly every day for over a YEAR. and it’s made me a muuuuch better writer and a much faster writer, and it’s also made me believe that i can undertake something this large and finish it. i’ve finished a few fics before, but never one of this size. BUT I CAN DO IT. I CAN AND I WILL.

in the future, break of dawn has taught me that i will likely be prewriting all of my longfics before beginning to post them. just so i can really put out the quality that i want to be associated with. not that i think BoD is BAD, im actually very proud of it, but there’s issues and holes in the plot in places, and characters that could use more love. and being able to treat the process more carefully/slowly would help with that immensely.

[bestillmybeefyheart]

4/14

Friday is my next benzo taper drop from 4mg AM of Valium and 14mg PM of Valium to 4am and 13pm. I am excited and scared. It takes about 1-2 weeks to "feel" the effects of a drop due to halflife of the meds, so if I screwed up and dropped too much, I dont know until I get hit with random HR increase and anxiety 2 weeks later. I am told this time will slowly shorten as my dose decreases. It would certainly be nice to take it and know the next day so I can correct... I'm going to start doing 1/2mg drops in the AM next since I'm down to 4 and that is where it can get dicey. But if it goes well, I'd do them once a week instead of alternating every 2 weeks. I know it seems trivial to most but this is huge for me (and anyone who's addicted or dependent on benzos). Ive been working for a year and 5 months now on this taper. And with luck I have less then a year to go. I post about it regularly for my sake and to remind people who are "trapped" that they can indeed get off it if they do so slowly and in small doses. I also have a doctor who is watching me and if I need it, can prescribe an anti-seizure med, since seizures can happen as you withdrawal. High BP and HR are also signs of withdrawal, I have both and am on Beta Blockers to help... my HR is fine but BP is high, so we're changing that probably within the next month once I get exercising. WHen Im biking almost every day my body changes, my HR and BP drop to normal and I feel so much better. And I sweat out toxins faster and work out sore muscles better, so hoping to taper my ass off while I'm in good shape this summer and can really work it out of me. And for those who don't remeber, I started with only .5mg of Chlonazepam AM and 1mg of Xanax PM. Hardly anything, and yet, still completely helplessly addicted. Dont let your doctor or anyone tell you benzos are your answer unless you have NO other choice. On them for 2 months, you have to taper for 2-4 months to get off. On for a year, taper for a year or more. On for 5 years or more, taper for 2-3 years. Yep, slave to the big pharma. Oh and switched to 10/20 am/pm of Valium for the longer half life, started there and made it to 4/14 so far. So if I can do this, you can. Go motherflippin me!