#im experiencing the latter rn

[frankenstheythem]

being so godamnn tired of existing you auto lobotomize urself and go into hybernation state for days VS waking up after that to a surge of insane energy thatll only be ceased once i defeat and kill an industrial forklift. so i can open up his corpse and sleep again inside of it

[thegreatyin]

26 27 30 36... Scoundrel and Scientist. Also gimme the cufflink saga already.

IM STILL PIECING THE SNIPPETS TOGETHER IM SORRY I KNOW IVE TAUNTED YALL WITH ALLUSIONS TO IT FOR AGES JDFHDHDJDK

26 - What would be their ideal romance? Did they find a perfect match already, is it still a work in progress, or have they experienced something out of their expectations?

The Scoundrel's ideal partner would probably be someone willing to put up with her... everything. Either because they don't care, or because they indulge her to her heart's content. Someone able to back up her wildest dreams (or even fulfill them) while still being there at the end of the day to kiss her head and tell her it's all going to turn out okay.

She thinks this someone is Wines. It is not Wines.

The Scientist's ideal partner... is a lot more broad, and also simultaneously a bit more narrow.

See, he's fine with just about anyone, theoretically. All he wants is someone he can live for, and work to protect. He doesn't even care if he gets the same in return. Ideally someone patient, and clever, and maybe a little bit terrifying- someone he can trust completely and utterly-

But he doesn't really care about any of that. He just wants someone he can get along with. Someone he can almost feel safe around. He doesn't care about anything else.

-

27 - What is their romance’s theme song?

The Hatsune Miku cover of Poison. And Butcher Vanity.

...oh, you meant general romance, not together. That's, admittedly trickier.

And by "trickier" I mean "I'm stumped". I have absolutely no idea. I've never thought about it before. Consider this an open invitation for y'all to come in and suggest romance songs, because I'm kind of at a loss rn

-

30 - What is their love language?

The Scoundrel gives gifts. A lot of gifts. If you've actually, sincerely, unironically, somehow, against every odd in the universe, thoroughly captivated them, you'd get absolutely smothered in more gifts than anyone could hope to count. Extravagant ones, too.

Like.

They're the kind of person who thinks a comically expensive romantic dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in the country is "modest". They're the kind of person who'd send you hourly updates on how their day is going because they think you genuinely unironically need to know this pressing information because you love them and they love you back. They're the kind of person who spends hours trying and failing to win a giant stuffed animal at a carnival because you said it looked cute and they want to impress and pamper you.

They're the kind of person who spends half of their fortune supplying Mr Wines' revels because they think they're getting such an insanely good grade in flirting and serving and being such a good sexy appealing lover for their stupid horrible drunken crush that won't even give them a second glance-

I mean. Uh. Ahem. Clears throat.

Gift-giving. They like gift-giving.

The Scientist on the other hand- he's pretty squarely split between acts of service and quality time. I don't compare him to a cat for nothing. He's either actively being "useful" to people, or he's sitting with them in silence for 2 hours straight while they do an unrelated task in the same general vicinity.

He considers the latter to be fantastic socializing.

-

36 - What would they gift to their partner or their best friends to show their affection?

See the Scoundrel's aforementioned answer about giant stuffed animals and supplying revels. But also flower bundles. And honey. And bundled flowers dipped in honey. They feel like the type to gift what they like because they're under the impression that their favorite things are universal favorite things.

As for the Scientist... he's admittedly not the best at sending gifts, but he certainly tries? His gifts are way more humble. Way more small. Like the results of an interesting experiment, or a cool puzzle he thought up, or a handmade scrapbook that's not exactly good insomuch as it is unbelievably sincere. Tiny nerdy trinkets that won't mean much to an onlooker, but end up being super soft and sentimental to those in the know.

Also, I could see him knitting a bunch of stuff. Little winter hats, scarves, gloves, the works. It's sweet. He's sweet.

[transxfiles]

hii bailor how are you. have you read or watched anything cool recently. i just started fellow travelers (the book) and it's making me feel so crazy i had to put it down and like go walk around to feel normal again

HIIIIIIII i have been doing so mcuh with work and art and everything so i haven't done much reading since june (i read like 7 books in a row i was doing so well) BUT i have been watching movies bc i found out that the local arthouse theater gives a really good student discount. also i have been hanging out at the video store and befriending the ppl who work the front desk there so i've watched a bunch of fun movies recently. SO!! some movie recs from things i've watched recently

humanist vampire seeking consensual suicidal person (2023)

dark comedy film about a young vampire who cannot hunt for food bc she cant morally justify killing people. after her parents stop hunting for her (finally forcing her to confront her fear of taking human life) she realizes that she might be able to work around her issues when she meets a suicidal teenager who wants her to kill him. genuinely such a sweet coming of age movie. and VERY silly. and beautifully filmed.

latter days (2003)

found the dvd at the local tax evading secondhand bookstore and bought it as a joke but genuinely this movie was very good. how do i even begin to describe latter days. blowjob scene in the first 5 minutes. the "sweet home alabama" screenwriter's passion project that he described as him trying to figure out what his repressed mormon past-self and his young newly out queer self would've done if they'd met. the answer is gay sex. apparently. this is an insane movie. i really enjoyed it but tbh i had the unique viewing experience of watching the movie with my old homoerotic best friend from high school so idk if my opinions on it are valid. they may indeed be tainted by that viewing experience. some insane fucking one liners though.

scream, queen! my nightmare on elm street (2019)

really great documentary for queer horror fans. follows the life of mark patton, the man who is most well-known for being the "first male scream queen" after he starred in nightmare on elm street 2: freddy's revenge. this was a video store rental and did not disappoint! experienced a positive jumpscare when i heard the first voiceover and was like "WAIT!!! cecil gershwin-palmer??????" it is indeed voiced by mr cecil welcometonightvale himself, cecil baldwin 👍

this ask also gives me an excuse to share some of my journal pages about movies i've seen recently so !

(+ bonus photo of my latter days dvd. insane fucking movie. btw fun fact the sticker on this dvd says 3 dollar but i did in fact get it for free bc the bookstore ladies love me. so)

i should add fellow travelers to my TBR probably,,, i need to read again. im always saying that when i haven't read for a while but it's true. i've been reading so many theater related nonfiction books recently for work and school and independent study and stuff but i gotta read A Narrative again soon.

i also need to go insane over A Narrative again and i think that'd do the trick........

rn i'm reading "standby" which is this book about theatrical design theory and it's so SO good but a little dense. i will say the last book that i devoured was andrew rannells' book of essays "too much is not enoguh" i read that in like 3 days and that was me pacing myself. it also got the stamp of approval from my mom who i lent the book to pretty much as soon as i saw her after i finished it.

also read this weird script a while ago called "the last thing i'll ever write" by adam lauver but i really don't know how i feel about that one. it was fun to read in the moment bc reading it was like putting together a puzzle of trying to figure out how i would actually put the show on a stage but idk if i;d recommend it. it IS weird art though and i do love weird art.

ive also been watching falsettos pretty frequently. idk why. its been scratching a theatre itch in my brain.

[lorelune]

loreeeee, i read the blade fic update and i CANT. express. how much i love your writing (again LOL). ugh, the way you write thoughts, mentalities, how ppl navigate and take in info...insane. INSANE. ugh,,,,,,im sorry but having adrenaline "tumble between the eyes" or the weird sureness of his thoughts but still being unidentifiable (unintelligible? or there little understanding of the source of specific thoughts) in and of themselves...the way you write makes me FERAL. im savoring it so much, i just bit into the juiciest orange, the ripest strawberry, took a mouthful of the crispest apple cider ive ever tasted in my life--(sorry im low on sugar rn HAHA)

i have a lot to say. but not enough mental space to go through all of it...but i do want to mention how you wrote the retrospective scenes of blade being washed by kafka, it was captured so well. i know this kind of experience is very nuanced, and i think you expressed how blade processed it well. especially how this shows up in pieces thereafter in the rest of the fic, it's different from just mentioning or referring to a past moment. you threaded the experience to the present and from reading your works overall, i believe this is a "trademark" of your writing, at least to me.

the trademark is that there is purpose in every mention, there is delicacy in choosing a perspective and the lens in which the world is viewed or something is experienced by a character...there is a specific atmosphere, headspace, etc., that you want to convey and the entire thing is brought together with every sentence that follows the previous. youre making these connections, however small they may be, between shards of the characters' lives...it feels like you properly chewed them so you got the texture, flavor profile, salinity, etc., of those characters. it's what got me hooked onto you works, and im afraid (feral, positive) youre only getting better at it. im in trouble (eager) :D

this is small, but i personally love seeing purely from one chara's pov, i love unreliable narrator-esque stuff, it just tickles something in me, maybe bc life is THAT subjective to the one living it (also AP Lit was one of my fav classes back in hs, so is it rlly a surprise LMAO). i love connotations, questionable morals, existential dilemmas, all of it. and seeing that blade is full of the latter two, im SO up for it. i also love how he's constantly (unconsciously) trying to be mindful of the space he takes up, even if he chooses to not care for certain (most) ppl. idk, to me thats a testament to his previous life/experience, and it just adds lore (see what i did there :3) and depth to everything. and im so looking forward to see how he navigates and learns (pog self reflection!) about his violent urges/tendencies, and what they mean for him (and mc)--and even if he doesn't i am looking forward to your writing 🙏

this is not even 1/4 of what i wanted to say LMFAOO, but its 1am for me and i need some sleep...thank you for this lore. :) we are blessed to have you share your talent, its my spiders thread in the hellscape im in (life), love you always, stay healthy and happy lunar new yr if you celebrate!!

SLEEEPY 🥺!! thank you for the kind words!!!!! 🥺💕💕💕!!!!! i am screaming crying throwing UP i appreciate your feedback so so much!!!!!

rambling under the cut <3

writing blade for the architect has been both like.... deeply cathartic and so very different from any character i have written for!!! i don't write a ton in character POV, however blade's feels unique and interesting in a way that keeps me going back to him. the dynamic between blade and reader is so interesting to continue to revisit, and writing their relationship expand and change has been very fun!!

blade is truly monstrous, but not for any of the reasons he thinks. his monstrous is monstrous in the way that he shouldn't exist or be alive, and that he essentially a human weapon, but how he feels isn't monstrous. he's coping. poorly. and through centuries of compounded trauma and an accumulation of mara. he absolutely sees some of himself in reader and can't help but want to ... protect them? if nothing else be near them. it's horrific, the way he thinks, but not monstrous. and i think that's an important distinction in the architect!!!

blade is an incredibly unreliable narrator. it is integral to the story (moreso as we go on) that he is unreliable. his own confusion is woven into the plot and vital to his relationship with the reader. his feelings towards you are a tangled mess, and so much of that comes from his own fractured consciousness.

its been very fun to write and dive into it just like... explore. full send. i started the architect originally as a drabble that was supposed to be uneditted LOL and i didn't want to pull any punches with the implications and like... 'darkness' of the story. i'm glad that you have enjoyed it sleepy and THANK YOU for your comments and elaborations, they truly make my day and get me hype to continue the story too <33 thank you thank you thank you 💞💞💞

[newyorkkiss]

135, 119, 100 :D

100: whats your most listened to playlist?

my general listening diary which i've been curating since i was 16 lol

135: what’s a music pet peeve of yours?

hm. intentional record crackling on a track. awful stuff, especially if it actually runs throughout and you can hear it. really can't stand it. there's defs other ones but that one just seems to be the one on my mind rn

119: What music did you grow up on?

putting this last bc i wnna put a post cut here cuz im just gonna go on awhile SORRY this one means a bit.

i'm putting * next to my all time albums here

for the first 13 years of my life, i would say it's 70/80s chart hits through my parents, and modern pop radio on my own. mostly the latter. the first song i ever became aware of was nelly furtado's maneater when i was 5. most of what i really did grow up around was pop radio like your generic local station shit. then my parents got cable when i was 7 which introduced me to more... curated things? i'm gonna speak in australian pay tv networks and artists here i'm sorry i hate speaking like this. but [v] (may it rest in peace for its shuttering is easily one of the worst losses i've ever experienced) was like my slow awakening to my more "alternative" tastes than the general packaged pop i'd been so used to at that point, in the way it was mostly just 2008-12 peak era (imo) triple j buzz bands and that kind of thing. artists i really remember getting into that time because of that were the presets – who'd just released apocalypso* at this point – and ladyhawke* – who had just released her self titled debut (another all timer.) very related is that modular (the label that issued these albums, and of tame impala fame) genuinely had some fucking top tier albums out in 2008, like van she's v and another all timer and pitchfork best new album in ghost colours* by cut copy. insane year for them, but back to me. i was really getting into listening to the weekly top 40 on radio around this time too. my local station was mostly syndicated programming from 2day from a certain hour. like their usual weekdaily thing was their morning show which i have never heard for some reason, then it was just local in house selected garbage that i have permanently seered into my mind now until 3 when they started the pre-record syndicated stuff like hamish and andy or kyle and jackie o. which after 5pm is when The Fucking Goods happened and you got the ill-fated hot 30 which was pretty much became a ritual thing for me when i was 9 until it was canceled when i was 11. on weekends i would listen to my beloved take 40 which i continued doing up until i was 12 and gained a proper internet connection. when i think back on this time period it it's kinda crazy how much music i was listening to and the fact it was just something i did and didn't know anybody else who was like crazy deep in music like this. but it did give me my extensive knowledge of 2000s/early 2010s popular music which i've been curating in a playlist since i was 15 that was just a comfort list turned mutant.

but the turning point in my taste came when i was 12 and got an non-poor person internet connection aka wifi, an ipad and a dream. at this point i was slowly moving away from charts and into full albums – something i never really did. one of the first albums i owned was rogue trader's here comes the drums* and that until katy perry's teenage dream were like the only albums i'd heard back to back. first album i brought in 2013 was ellie goulding's halcyon* and i pretty much burnt it to my pc and listened to it and it only for like 6 months of the year, before buying calvin harris' 18 months* on itunes when they did that u have 3 singles from this album u can buy the rest for $6 thing. by this time i was starting to get on socials and drift into fandom. one of the first ones was dan & phil who are big fans of muse and spoke about how origin of symmetry* is their fave album by them and i was like, damn i gotta check this out. from that point onwards for another like 6 months was the only album and first discogs ever sought out and listened to. through being in that fandom i started getting into music circles which happened right at the biggest turning point of my life. by mid 2014 i'd started to venture into the 2014 tumblr-core stuff; sky ferreira, vampire weekend, the strokes, grimes and twigs, and my first super hyperfixated musical act, foster the people. i was on indie twitter by this point and consumed by it and had completely stopped and refused to listen to top 40 radio which i still don't do. by 2015 i'd basically crafted my alternative taste and begun collecting vinyl. here's my top artists from my old last.fm to illustrate where i am as a 14 year old:

it pretty much stayed like this for somewhat unchanged until 2017 when i got a spotify subscription and started listening to radiohead a fair bit lol. by early 2018 i was starting to listen to fantano-core stuff and by extension got into post-punk, iceage-ajacent bands which led me to posh isolation and started my interest in noise/ambient stuff. late 2019 i started listening to the brixton windmill-ajacent bands like black midi and bc,nr and started using rateyourmusic and just discovering things over time.

im sorry that this is so long and i dont expect anybody to read this lmao 😭

[moodr1ng]

the constant misuse of psych terms online is frustrating not just in and of itself but also it bleeds into real life so much sometimes i cant tell what someone is telling me.. like when someone i dont know that well tells me "sorry im kinda dissociating rn" i cant tell if they mean theyre disconnecting from their body and surroundings and experiencing a detachment from reality, or if they mean theyre kinda out of it rn. and like. if its the latter then that feels kinda shitty to be told that as a person with a dissociative disorder lol. and if its the former then i want to be able to clearly know that bc someone who is having an episode of dissociation may have had it triggered by something or may be distressed or otherwise in need of specific support but i cant tell if thats what they mean.....

[butchpeabody]

ok i finally feel coherent enough to post my spiderverse thoughts. theyll be under the cut and ill tag this post "atsv spoilers!" (as well as anything else i rb.) if you havent seen the movie id advise against checking the notes as well jic someone replies

so like. first of all what the fuck. i was fucking slackjawed from the last 30 minutes of the movie starting to getting home and sitting down. absolutely MASTERFUL movie in every way imaginable. i dont have the words in my head rn but its just. GOD. fuck. i will be buying the artbook when it comes out

individual points:

-i really really do love the curtains are blue style gwen trans allegory good fucking god. WHAT THE FUCK shes so good. by no means the main character (i was actually kind of worried when thebmovie started like i do love her im glad she got some shit but ibwas like...is this gonna be from her pov the whole time when miles is here...it wasnt!) but i adored her in this shes so ficking full of issues

-HOBIE. HOBIE MY FRIEND HOBIE. i really enjoy his presence in the movie- when hes mentioned once or twice before appearing i thought hed have a rivalry with miles but that was absolutely not the case. in retrospect its really funny that miguel grabbed him for his fucked up spiderverse shit giving that his entire MO is anarchism but if he were not there miles would absolutely be hurt or worse. im INCREDIBLY excited to see what they do with him in the next movie- especially because i can kind of see him as a parallel to aaron in a way? such free spirits ...artistic .... also i dont have as much to say about him but god pativr is so good i love him. i LOVE HIM

-peni was my favorite character in the first movie when i was younger but i had since grown like...worried about her showing up in future movies because of her stereotypical portrayal. its probably too early to give a clear for now nor is it my place to comment on the actual content of that BUT for what its worth she seemed much more faithful to the comics' tone in this movie- it seems that the implication was that peni experienced her comic run in between movies? her mech and outfit are far different. she was fucking HAGGARD when she first showed up. ham and noir coming back in the next movie will be nice but i do hope that they replace hams voice actor.

-miguel is so fucjing fascinating. people either seem to desire him carnally or hope he dies and im definitrly not in the former and im like.....nnnot entirely in the latter. intetesting character excited to see where he goes! what the FUCK was his problem though. you are a GROWN MAN trying to tear a 15 year old asunder because hes like hey i dojt want to stand idly by and watch my dad perish dude. he sucks and is horrible and i want to study him. jessica also really but she seems less fucked up and more like...willing ti take care of her responsibilites despite the emotional toll. excited to see if they clash more in part 2

-i dont even have the words to describe the animation but everyrhing is so beautiful. a few characters have sketch guidelines on them despite being 3d! the first fight scene of the movie contains a chararacter from a fucking da vinky world and hes in sepiatone and its fucking GORGOEUS.

-miles. ohhhhhh milesmilesmilesmiles saving the best for last. what do i even say man the progression of his arc, the way the smallest action of his from the first movie set off a massive chain of events, the turmoil he goes through and comes out stronger. his PARENTS. HIS RELATIONSHIP TO THEM HIS WORRY FOR THEM. i nearly screamed when he went in the wrong universe and aaron was there, AND HIS DAD WAS DEAD, THE THING HE WAS TRYING TO PREVENT. AND THEN ALTERNATE MILES BEING THE PROWLER. IS THE IMPLCIATION THAT EARTH 42 MILES WOULDVE BEEN THAT UNIVERSES SPIDERMAN BUT BECAISE THE SPIDER LEFT HE BECAME THE FUCKING PROWLER???? FUCK MAN!!!!! i need to see him thriving i hope he gets home okay. amazing movie amaaasizinngngnnn

[seiwas]

HELLO SEL I READ UR RECENT GOJO FIC FROM THE COL SERIES N MY GODFDDDJEHDHJD Im experiencing so many things rnskdjf. All good I promise!!!!

As always, his characterisation...mwah!! He's such a sweetheart makes me want to not be a liddol mean to him😞😞 Just so precious n tender I wanna kiss himmmm. Reading stuff from the character's pov, especially where teeny tiny bit of jealousy is involved will ALWAYS get me. U captured it so beautifully Im in awe of ur writing truly. 

my favs have to be these lines-

"When you both step out of the room, you make sure to hold his hand tightly, surely, in all the loving ways, but he grips back only lightly, leaving a small space–that infinity–between your palms on the way back home today".... IM SO ILL OVER THIS I HOPE U KNOW THAT. 

"....when you love someone this much, you’ll always want the best for them, even when you realize that the best might not be synonymous to being yours" UR SO SICK FOR THIS SEL. My head hurts😭😭😭😭 it is so well written I- 

"Gojo doesn’t cry often, but when he does, you try to kiss away every hurt, every pain, that comes with it. So there, by his eyes, are your lips, soft and tender, kissing away his tears as you cradle him to your chest, letting him hug you for however long he needs to be held like this". I THINK THIS IS MY FAVOURITE BIT OF THE FIC COZ HELLO??? such a sweet, tender n soft moment Im bawling my eyes out PLEASEEEE how dare u.

him thinking he cannot give u the life u deserve, the one where u can be alway from these.... noisy, messy, dark things, where ur genuinely at peace. Him contemplating the entire thing. Oh u have got me again, sel🥹 Col, I love u sm. Sel, I love u even more.

Im so sorry I made it so lengthy 😭

zuro anon  

zuro anon omFg sdhfbsdbssjhfbghs PLS DON'T APOLOGISE FOR MAKING IT LENGTHY 🥹 u said such lovely things u even gave me a reaction for each of your fave lines help 😭 i'm so touched rn 🤧 sniffling 🤧 need tissues!!!! 🤧

shbvjhsd his teeny tiny jealousy YES 😭 i think he wouldn't even know that it's jealousy tbh hasbgjds just that he hates the feeling AAH thank u so much and i'm so glad you enjoyed it 🥺

omg zuro anon i swear your reactions shdfbjs am so flattered you liked those lines i think those might be some of my faves too 😭 i kid u not omg i was writing the latter half of 'will i ever bring you peace?' at like 2-3am and was tearing up i think omg (i was staring at a wall for like 5 minutes bc i was envisioning the scene before writing it) i'm so glad i'm not the only one emotional over it 😭 i am crying with u zuro anon AHSFBASFB

i am so so so grateful for all the love and support zuro anon 🥹 seriously!!! you are so sweet even coming in here and letting me know how you felt about the fic 🥹 i appreciate you so much 😭 i'm so happy col has wormed its way into your heart the same way it has taken over mine jhdbfgjs hELP i love them.... i love YOU zuro anon!! 🥺 you are truly so precious!!! thank you thank you thank you for even reading 🥺

the fic/s zuro anon is talking about!

(1) this feeling inside of me— (2) —will i ever bring you peace? (g. satoru)

[awrkive]

might be a weird thing to say(?) but i really love how you dont let rude anons disrespect u/walk all over you by not taking them that seriously! social media is really toxic all of the time and with tumblr specifically its easy to be a dick bcs of the anon option, and its so easy to be affected by them ofc idk what u actually feel about rude asks but the way you handle them with comedy is sort of inspiring lol

thank you for saying this, its totally not weird at all!!!

as someone whos been here for the longest time ive witnessed my favorite writers deleting their blogs bcs of rude anons and ive also experienced that myself firsthand during the time of LL! ive talked about it before but my dislike over that fic actually has to do with the negativity it created for my blog and idk if some of u dk it but i took like a 2 year break before coming up with nb lmfao but yeh!!! the experience is very frustrating!!!! esp with the latter bcs imagine somebody posting their stuff for free and they get assholes in their inbox being rude hiding behind the anon button... 😭 its made for shy people who are anxious!!! its so annoying when people abuse it fr.

id say tho personally rn social media is not really that serious as it was to me before. i used to get affected by a lot on here and i never knew how to avoid stuff that would just piss me off BUT now i realized... i could just literally turn off my phone and all these people will disappear 😭 ofc thats not easy to put in practice! but you'll get the hang of it eventually.

also!!!!!!!! im super super greatful to the lot of you who are very very nice and kind 😞 i may get rude anons here and then but its really rare!! the love from u guys is way bigger and thats why im still here bcs u all actyally make me like writing more!!! ♥️💜

[jabberwockprince]

spoilers for the chapter and nonsensical word vomit but

when sophia and sonetto talk at the beach. and sophia talks about 37 like 37 is so very far away out of her reach by virtue of being so different, the only person who can see the absolute truth. talking about how she feels useless because all she can do is do these small insignificant tasks that no one else (no one important, unlike her) should be bothered with. how her mistake caused the greatest grief in her and 37's lives (even if 37 didnt see it as such)

and shes telling this to sonetto

who feels so very disconnected from vertin, the only person who can experience the "Storm". who wanted so desperately to protect and follow vertin now that theyre together, to make up for what she did when they were kids (letting vertin, and the other kids, go outside)

like. hello. can anyone hear me. are you seeing the parallels. im speaking directly into your brain. of course 37 likes sonetto, bc sonetto is a parallel to sophia

i cant word it properly rn but. something about how 37 and sophia's relationship could easily represent vertin and sonetto's relationship too, in a way. do you see it. the way they all contrast each other: vertin has been described as cold, aloof, emotionless but shes been mischievous, has sacrificed herself for the sake of others many times, she cares so deeply about everyones. whereas 37 looks cute, innocent, starry eyed and welcoming, but we've seen her lack of empathy in the way she finds pleasure revealing other ppl's numbers before they can realize it themselves, how cruel she can be without even realizing it bc of how little she cares about anything and anyone that isnt within her interests

and then sonetto looks so calm and confident, well-put together and obedient/eager to help like the perfect Foundation martyr, but shes been the most emotional out of the two so far, shes shown nothing but impulse over the course of the main story. sophia is the same, presented as a mediator, down to earth and voice of reason, explaining the rules of the island and all. out of her respective duo, shes the one that makes most sense, who looks the most responsible. but then shes struggling to feel any sense of self worth bc she lacks a number, the most important thing, something she doesnt even quite understand. exactly like how sonetto never understood vertin nor vertin's decision to leave when they were kids but still clings to her

theres just something in there about the "truths" that vertin and 37 hold that urge both sonetto and sophia forward. the former because it helps her understand the world, her beloved childhood friend and deskmate, and the latter because it will help her understand herself, and essence and her fate above all. something abt the way vertin's truth is something she wants to share with as many people as possible, to avoid being alone. while 37's truth is something that continues to isolate her from the world. and how that last part specifically, 37's isolation, is also related to her missing a vital piece of information (the outside world, what happened out there that vertin personally experienced in the "storm") that she couldve only gotten through vertin. the same way 37 had information that only she herself and no one else couldve provided to vertin (the inner world, 37's unique perception of truth and pure fact that she figured out herself)

there are. so many dots and lines in my brain trying to get connected all at once. can you guys see it. the neuron connections. are 37 and sophia's relationship a parallel to vertin and sonetto's, or a warning of what could they be, or two sides of the same coin. whats happening

head....full of math..... <- finished ch05 of r1999

[monstersandmaw]

Is writers block just as painful as artblock? Because im experiencing the latter rn and i wanna set my sketchbook on fire

I’m not an artist so I can’t say if it is, but wanting to write and not being able to because of whatever reason is sometimes so distressing it physically hurts. I hope you’re able to rest and be creative in other ways until you circumvent the art block and get back to doing what you love.

[forever-rogue]

THIS THE DUMBEST MF REQUEST U EVER HEARD BUT IM ON MY PERIOD AND I HAVE TO TAKE MEDS BC CHRONIC CRAMPS ANS ITS GIT SO MUCH MF CAFFIENE AND IM FUCKING TRIPPING RN AND FOR SOME DUMBASS REASON I NEED DIN X READER WHERE READER TAKES MEDS AND GOES BATSHIT CRAZY LITERALLY IM SHAKING SO MUCH WOEOWOW SORRY THIS IS ACTUALLY SOME TH IFN IM ASKING FOR YOURE GRET!!

Hi friend, I hope you’re okay now and feeling better! Din blurb? Din blurb. Enjoy! Thank you @rosetophighlander for providing some much needed inspo!

Mandalorian Masterlist

»»————-　♡　————-««

When it came to your least favorite time of the month, you were normally able to handle it...for the most part. It’d been a routine that you’d been going through for what seemed like eons, but some months were worse than others. This was one of those times; not just one of those times, but also the first time you’d had this much pain around your Mandalorian companion.

The morning had gone fairly well, you’d made sure to stay hydrated and eaten a decent breakfast, along with your small green friend, but why the time the afternoon started, your insides were in utter turmoil. You thought you were doing a fairly good job of keeping a neutral face and hiding it. Until...

“What’s wrong?” Din’s gaze was trained on as you sat in the co-pilot’s seat, hand on your stomach and a contorted look on your face. So much for handling it well...but it was hard when it felt like your innards were being eaten.

“N-nothing,” you lied, biting the inside of your cheek as another wave of cramps rolled over you. You should have known better than to lie to him. He was a trained bounty hunter, years of practice had made it easy for him to read just about anyone.

“Why are you lying?” he asked and you just sigh and let your head flop to the side, letting out an exasperation groan.

“Period,” you finally said through gritted teeth as you pointedly avoided looking at him, “I’m on my period.”

“Oh,” he sounded almost nervous but just awkwardly cleared his throat. He wasn’t inept when it came to a woman’s body, but it had been some time since he’d experienced being with a woman during her time of the month. You just nodded and a waved a hand in his general direction, “is there...��

“No,” you said quietly, hoping that if you remained seated and still that the pain would dull and pass quickly. Din stood up after a few more moments of watching you silently struggled with the waves of pain, disappearing without a word. Maybe you’d scared him off?

But no - he was back within a few minutes, handing you a big glass of water, followed by a few pills that you didn’t recognize. You didn’t even bother to ask what they were, or what their origins were, but you quickly swallowed them and down the glass of water.

“That should help,” he said softly and you nodded, giving him a thankful smile, “maybe you should...take a nap.”

“I’m not tired though,” you insisted, knowing the tiredness that always accompanied this time of month could come later in the afternoon. It always did, like clockwork.

“You’ll...just trust me,” he insisted, nudging his head in the direction of the your shared sleeping space, “you’ll want to sleep. It might be...just take a nap.”

“Oh...kay,” you shrugged and decided to oblige him, slowly clambering out of spot and heading for your cot. You might have been going crazy...but did you already feel better? Din wasn’t normally so cryptic or weird, but you weren’t to question him. Besides, maybe a nap would be nice...

»»————-　♡　————-««

Once you’d slipped into your cot, it took only a few minutes until you gave into the soft pull of sleep. If you’d been awake, it would have surprised you, but instead you were quickly snoring...and loudly.

But then...almost as quickly as you feel asleep, you were wide awake again. Your eyes snapped open as you felt a rush of energy running through your veins...you felt more awake than you possibly ever had. But your pain was gone, instead you felt nothing but pure adrenaline pumping through your body.

“Din,” you almost shouted, as you jumped up and ran to find him. When you didn’t spot him anywhere on your floor, you climbed up the cockpit and found him there, playing with the Child, “Din!”

A small, quiet oh no spilled from his lips as you almost barreled him over in your attempt to sit down in your normal spot. He had hoped this wouldn’t happen, it was a risk he was taking...but alas. Your eyes were wide as you sat down and stared at him, speaking so fast that he wasn’t able to catch more than a word here and there. Part of him wondered if you were even speaking Basic anymore.

“andidon’tevenknowwhatyougavemebutifeelsoalive,” you jumped up again, peeking outside, studying the dying light of day. Maybe you could go out and explore for a awhile. Just as you started walking off again, Din grabbed your arm and keep you from walking away, “what?”

“I think you need to stay inside and sit with me,” he felt bad that you’d had such a reaction to the pills he gave you, but couldn’t deny that he was little amuse, “it’ll pass soon, but I need to keep an eye on you to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.”

“I’ll be fine,” you insisted, bouncing on your heels as he kept you restrained, “I just want to go and explore!”

“Cyare...no, just say with me please,” he insisted softly, “but are you...feeling better?”

“There’s no pain,” you promised, “I just feel so...alive! Have you ever heard colors before? I’m pretty sure I’m can hear them!”

“Kriff,” he sighed lightly to himself.

“What even was that stuff?!” you asked as you pulled free from his hold on you and started to dance around the open space, “I love it! I feel so alive!”

“Painkillers,” he admitted honestly, letting the Child down to try and get you in his arms again so you wouldn’t hurt anyone...namely yourself, “apparently much more potent for someone of your size.”

“We should get more of that stuff! We should go to the market and buy some,” you grabbed his hand and started to dance with him, finding it hard to get the large man to move along with you, “you should take some too! Maker, can you imagine how much we could if we don’t have to sleep and we just play?!���

“You can’t buy this stuff at the market,” in order to give you some reprieve, he gave in and danced with you, letting you guide him around the open space.

“Where then!? We have to go!”

“It’s not exactly...legal,” he confessed the last part quietly, but you were so hyper-aware of everything that you picked up on it. You shrugged it off regardless, “I probably shouldn’t have given it you. I should have known better...”

“No, this is great,” you insisted, stopping and put your hands on his shoulders, “I’ve never felt so...amazing! I feel like I can do anything!”

“Yeah...that’s one of the effects,” he cursed himself silently. He’d just wanted help you and alleviate your pain, instead he’d created a whole different type of problem, “cyare, why don’t you come with me and we can go lie down.”

“But I don’t wanna,” you pouted at him, but he just hung his head, “I just wanna go outside and be with you!”

The last part tugged on his heartstrings a little bit, and while he was glad you weren’t in pain, he didn’t mean to induce all of this either. At least this way you were enjoying yourself; the grin on your face hadn’t faltered once. He weighed his options for a moment before nodding lightly, “alright. We’ll go outside and explore for a little bit, but if and when you start to feel sleepy or anything else, you let me know, yes?”

“Duh,” you promised him, your eyes glowing with excitement as you leaned up and pressed a kiss to his helmet, where his cheek would be, “we’re gonna have so much fun!”

You leaned down and picked up the Child, carefully as you could in your current state, and Din stopped breathing for a moment. He knew you’d never do anything to hurt him, but in your haze, he was mildly concerned. But you were still so gentle with him, making sure he held tightly against your chest before descending the latter to go downstairs.

“Come on, slow poke!” you called to him as he listened to your footsteps running out of the ship. He sighed lightly, almost in amusement as he quickly followed after you.

He had a feeling you weren’t going to be the only exhausted by the time you were coming down from your high. At least he knew better for next time: half dose...or perhaps something more legal...either way, he vowed to make sure to take care of you.

[figureinthedistance]

cw mentions of sexual violence, child abuse, death, cults, war crimes

ive been thinking a lot abt how joking on certain topics can b entirely unshocking or undisturbing 2 ppl bc its like mediated by unreality. its why i think there are so many jokes abt cults or war crimes in certain circles but not abt say rape or child abuse. even tho the latter 2 in my mind are implied by the former 2. but there has been an abstracting of certain topics beyond the actual reality of them tht allows ppl who are undoubtedly opposed 2 tht reality of certain things 2 nevertheless use them as punch lines.

+ i dont think this is new or anything im jst thinking abt the sort of viscerality of it like how it feels n how its experienced bc ik memes tht say shit like ‘waluigi committed a war crime’ are incredibly distasteful 2 me + tht i hate them so much but im wondering if this is informed by my having like, studied war crimes + the international criminal legal system in college n gone 2 talks on them n shit (+ also like my ancestors n the ancestors of p much everyone ik were killed n raped n starved n displaced in an imperial genocide but i never kno how much tht factors in2 my identity or outlook), which ofc still leaves the reality of them distanced from me by a good few degrees, but i think still creates a proximity maybe lacking from the lives of the ppl who make those jokes. + 2 me it is smth they are morally culpable fr, no matter how much i understand why they feel free 2 make those jokes.

+ then i think abt how like ive never rlly been affected by murder or threats of it in my life + i guess havent experienced enough like dealings w the reality of murder 2 counterbalance the abstractions of the topic in the media n culture n the dominant lexicon. + this is why jokes abt murder are seen as completely less shocking than jokes abt rape (including by ppl who think its ok 2 make jokes abt rape). bc there is less euphemistic casual discussion of rape than there is of murder, shit like ‘ur killing me’ etc. + jokes abt murder dont outrage me or make me think the person who makes them is callous n willfully ignorant. i dont kno if i make jokes abt murder, i try not 2 invoke violence generally unless i feel its warranted (lol), but i kno tht i have probably been amused by jokes abt murder, even while aware tht tht is bc the actual horrific reality of murder is something i have been sort of insulated against in my life. but knowing tht isnt enough fr me 2 b like upset by those jokes on any level other than intellectual.

rn im not dealing w whether its ever acceptable 2 use humour 2 discuss certain topics like im not going there w this.

mostly im jst obsessing w a new sorta way in which brains are inefficient + hurtful + do things even when we kno they shldnt be done. i hope this post is incomprehensible god bless <3

[illnessfaker]

id if im gonna be fully coherent bc i got a headache rn but reading ur post, especially the part about manhood turned around as a weapon, made me think of things i heard growing up and closeted, that gay and bi men are wasting their manhood by being like that ("waste of a man", as many a straight girl has said), a variation of the same old "if you are a man then act like it", recognizing manhood/potential for manhood in us and using it as a tool for violence and shame

approximately 100 years late to this ask.

i would say attitudes like "what a waste of a man" (i'm assuming what you're referring to is comments like this made abt gay men - the likes of which i've heard from my own damn mother, lol) is more abt the sexual entitlement that some ppl possess towards gay/bi men and i wouldn't describe that as a way "manhood" is instrumented against gay/bi men personally but maybe i'm missing something there, idk.

i put together recently that one of the ways in which i've personally experienced this is (white) cisgender women, even in the times where i thought i was cis or when i identified as an nb woman, would (and sometimes still do - the last time this happened was a few weeks ago :/) utilise the fact that their (white) cisgender womanhood gave them access to a level of innocence that i did not have access to as a gender reject(tm), and in so doing they dodged accountability when i would call them on bigoted behavior via framing me as an unreasonable aggressor. i'm talking about stuff as simple as asking ppl not to make "i identify as an attack helicopter" jokes, and that's not something i just came up with - i've actually been dogpiled and ostracized for daring to suggest to a cisgender woman that jokes like that are transphobic. zero exaggeration.

i think generally the experiences of gay/bi men who have manhood weaponized against them more often than being able to weaponize manhood (if at all) can be possibly summarized like this - on one hand, to men, the idea that these gay/bi men are also men is abhorrent, and so they attempt to deny gay/bi men a presence in manhood via targeting them for violence. to women, the idea that gay/bi men aren't men (and by extension aren't capable of being violent evil male oppressors) is abhorrent, and so they attempt to deny gay/bi men a presence in humanity via targeting them for violence. the former is something like being demasculinized (or maybe even feminized) which can very often lead to abuse, assault, and homocide. the latter isn't masculinization or "misandry" but something better described as vilification, that can directly result in social ostracization, isolation, and the neglect of the needs and rights of gay/bi men (or also inspire assault and homocide in the cases where violent homophobes decide that a gay/bi man poses a threat to the fragile innocence / purity of white cisgender womanhood).

[fatgothgf]

the cusp of a new mental breakdown and the start of a mental breakthrough always feel exactly the fucking same

i make this post every time it happens but i think i am experiencing the latter, thankfully

i feel restless but not frustrated, im so far in my own head rn though that its truly hard to explain

[unproduciblesmackdown]

Hi!! So this is an honest question so i hope it doesnt come off as rude or anything- but doesn't the thought that everything you post here can be reblogged make you more reserved or anything? Idk how to explain it but whenever i wanna post something here i think about doing it for a super long time to be sure i want it to possibly be on the internet forever- but i see you're comfortable with sharing pretty personal stuff so i was just wondering if it affected you any way or maybe it was just me?

lmaooo it’s cool!!! there’s an unending AMA going on here and off the top of my head i can’t think of anything off-limits to ask about

it’s definitely not just you!! out of the ppl i know off the top of my head i’m probably really far and away doing the Most airing my bullshit. if you ultimately don’t like the idea of stuff just kinda sitting around to be seen by Anyone, that’s valid and there’s no problem with feeling like that makes you wanna Not Post some stuff

like this is especially true for young teens on the soche media…hell i just entirely threw out the blog i’d had from like 14 -18, and not because i was particularly embarrassed or anything, it just felt mostly obsolete. you can become someone so different in even one year and that’s fine and you might not want Old Venting and the like just sitting around out there. it’s definitely okay to be real private about that kinda stuff

i know sometimes ppl having sorta Compromises where maybe they’ll create a second blog / account specifically for talking abt personal stuff, and then only maybe allow friends (or nobody) to access it; or people will just tag everything with Delete Later and then go back and delete it later so it’s not out there forever, or just because they find it embarrassing soon afterwards lol

for my part, there’s definitely multiple reasons i pretty much don’t care

1. i never used to Vent post back in the early days. but one of my earliest examples maybe was this sudden essay i dumped on my blog when i was 16? 17? abt how unhappy i was at home. it took me till i was 18 to really start to realize that what i’d always lived with was literally abuse, and it was things like The Sudden Venting Essay that really helped me put it all into words and be able to organize my thoughts enough to write about it and realize that there was a lottttt of shit i was rly miserable about2. ever since then really i’ve found that when i write about something, whether messaging it to someone or just posting it in general, a ton of times it helps me kinda make connections or figure something out or just feel like i have a better grasp on an idea.3. even after i started maybe doing the occasional venting post, for a long time i was really hesitant about it, but this was mostly b/c i felt like i didn’t have ~real~ enough problems and/or nobody would really care. as for the former, well yesterday i was saying how i still have this underlying feeling that i’m an imposter / don’t count / not REALLY as ___ as other people or whatever, so i’m still working on that, but it definitely doesn’t upset me as much as it might back in the day. re: the latter—tbh i dont care if nobody cares. i write abt personal shit b/c i care. my entire blog is About and Because i care, and if other people care, great, if they don’t, ok.4. a lot of this is about having compassion for myself. i don’t look down on other people for making personal posts, so i don’t look down on myself, either. 5. more self-compassion: there’s probably olden text posts from the early days of this blog that don’t even sound like me coz my Outer Demeanor has changed a lot these past 5 or 2 or 1 yrs. but even if i stumbled across some Old Post of mine and was like “lmfao whats up w THIS loser” it’s like….well, i’m sympathetic to my Earlier Selves. this applies to like, me never deleting Late Night Sad Posts or whatever (even tho nowadays they’re never exactly like i’m upset, maybe just Melancholy or in a mood to talk abt something saddish) coz i’m like, well, even though rn i don’t feel like i Need this post, back then i did feel like venting to feel better! and that’s fine. i don’t find that embarrassing. it’s like if you’re thirsty on one day and you drink some water and at some random point during the next evening when you’re not thirsty you think back on that time you were drinking water and you’re like “wow, embarrassing.” well clearly its not a perfect analogy but the point is sometimes you might feel you need to talk, and sometimes you don’t, and both times are ok. its not an embarrassment to have been upset6. this blog is the most personal thing in the world for me lmao its my Main social media presence, goes back five yrs, and for like. well the whole five years its been what keeps me from being way more isolated than i am. irl friends have been long distance this whole time (save a couple exceptions) and mostly my way to talk to ppl has been on here. this was especially important when i was at my parents house for a couple yrs. it was fairly awful and being able to be in touch w ppl and being able to SAY it was awful was clearly important, and i became more inclined to write abt shit rather than hold myself back b/c my being able to say anything was important7. i still talk about things b/c being able to say anything here to people in the outside world is important8. i can’t be like “i cant talk abt this b/c its not important/interesting enough” coz if i did i wouldn’t talk abt anything. i just write b/c i have things to say, and this is my pointless blog9. i don’t expect i’ll ever become Well Known in any circles. for me the more likely concern is kinda disappearing either due to dying or incarceration or some other shit scenario. the times i talk on here are good b/c that hasnt happened yet and i have the option10. even if i did become well known, i don’t really care.11. also for uh…all the times i was living in my parents house thru my life i was really really isolated. for eons i was used to nobody knowing shit abt me and keeping p much all my thoughts to myself. nowadays this blog is what lets me be able to sorta Known and Seen and able to get in touch w ppl if we wanna. basically, there’s nothing TOO personal. i’m not even trying to push myself to “overshare” coz like i said, p much nothing is offlimits. i’ve just had a lifetimes worth of being very invisible and unknown to anyone12. actually i can still be very cagey abt myself in person. learning to be more open On Here is a bit helpful for that. 13. idk that anyone else would give a shit about old vent posts from me either. when i talk abt me im talking abt *me*, its really not even vaguely interesting when removed even one degree from that specific context. 14. maybe there’s the chance some shit will happen to be Relatable to other ppl and somehow helpful to them15. for example, a lot of how i realized i was actually experiencing abuse for real was thru anecdotal / qualitative posts abt it. sometimes there’s shit you think is Just You only b/c nobody else who it applies to is talking about it yknow16. maybe making it seem less a big deal to talk abt your bullshit if i unapologetically talk abt my bullshit17. i remember my younger self feeling like i didnt ~deserve~ to talk abt my own thoughts & feelings the way other ppl did coz mine weren’t as good, so i kinda do it for them / in celebration of no longer feeling that way18. i actually like to talk. i just usually can’t. irl i very very very very rarely talk at length about myself, i don’t talk much at all. for me this is where i get to talk19. hmm i may have skipped or forgotten something obvious but hey. for now, there’s this. no-limits milo they call me