#im emotionally attached to fictional people

[probably--tired]

Remus lupin is a chronically ill man. He has chronic pain and in Muggle au I headcannon him having fibromyalgia/me and EDS (the chronic dislocations and joint problems). He 100% uses mobility aids and I will die on this hill.

Fuck maybe I'm projecting, but god do I feel a connection to that. He's capable and kind and strong and adaptable despite his chronic illness and it makes me feel so seen :')

[deakwithit]

how can someone look me in the eye and tell me oswald doesnt have bpd guys pleaswe this shouldnt even be up for discussion....

i have bpd and ive never related to a character more, especially this scene

the ranting, taking everything personally (despite the context of the scene being a pretty obvious personal thing), the anger, spilling something and ed having to tell him to breathe (which, also implies this happens a lot, especially with ed's slightly annoyed tone).

in many other scenes, ESPECIALLY ones with isabella, it clearly shows him displaying traits of bpd and time n time again i see "hes crazy" or "hes a sociopath" (which makes no sense and is just ableist)

hes someone with likely multiple complex mental disorders, but bpd especially sticks out to me bc of how obvious his case is

like i was sitting there watching the isabella dilemma thinking "man hes so me" bc he was splitting just as violently as i do

and as someone with multiple complex mental disorders, i fantasize about killing people i split on too (he actually does it, i dont, but i understand it). ive had homicidal thoughts (not urges, thoughts, clear distinction guys im not gonna murder someone) about the people ive split on, ive thought about the things oswald does, though not as cartoony as some of his, considering theyre in a fictional universe.

i fully belive edward was not oswalds first fp either, his mom to me is the first who comes to mind as his attachment figure, the only person he can rely on, his favorite person but also in a way his only person. she gave him love, gave him care, gave him all he needed to survive, and oswald clung onto it.

edward gave him "love", attention, care, and after oswalds mom had been gone, he needed that. so he needed edward. boom, fp moment

we constantly see how emotionally invested oswald is in ed, how much he cares for him, how much edwards words control his emotions, and we see how he once again, violently splits on someone, but for the first time, its on the one he "replaced" his mom with.

i wqont even lie i might be lowkey headcanoning some of this maybe or making shit up cause i havent watched gotham in a long time but oswald so clearly struggles with emotional regulation and anger. its 0-100, its black and white, its night and day, he is always overcome by his emotions. the way he yells and rants with ed in the scene i shared, the way he felt learning mr penn had betrayed him, the way he felt when his mom died, the way he felt about edward, or even isabella, is so clearly the way someone w bpd, such as myself, would react.

anyway im crazy idk share ur thoughts

[sewnwithfate]

I can’t handle the fact that there’s not going to be another season of the umbrella academy, I love all the characters so much (even Luther to a certain extent) and I’m so upset that after the 4th season we probably won’t see them again. but, I’m also happy because Im looking forward to them getting some kind of a happy ending or at least some kind of ending where they don’t all have to continue to suffer like they have for the past three seasons.

ps I know they're fictional and I shouldn’t be emotionally attached to people who don’t exist, but you know what, just leave me alone with my delusions

[dr-spectre]

is it a bad thing that i kinda wish i could be as emotionally attached to fictional characters as you are

I am emotionally attached to certain fictional characters because they are a form of escapism into a world where I can feel a sense of warmth and comfort for my autistic brain. My real life kinda sucks and is filled with terrible thoughts about myself, so I just ramble on about characters most people think im crazy for talking about in such a deep and nuanced way. Case in point.... you know who.

It might be a bad thing, but it's also a good thing because it enhances your media literacy and sense of understanding, empathy, and sympathy.

It's definitely not a bad thing to wanna be able to become more emotionally attached to fictional characters as it can grow your media literacy skills, develop friendships with other people who like the same stuff as you, etc, but... don't let it spiral out of control where the characters' emotional wellbeing affects your own and makes your quality of life WAY WORSE because of their own sadness.

I know this far too well and have experienced physical discomfort over a character's pain that people LOVE to make way worse than it already is..... CASE IN POINT YOU KNOW FUCKING WHO!!!

[ac-liveblogs]

"Fountanians are actually oceanids" is the new "Katheryne is a snezhnayan bionic puppet" except even worse, because at least she wasn't turned into a real girl by the end of Sumeru (so maybe this will be "addressed" some day lol). Personally, im more willing to forgive thematic inconsistencies and messes than this kinds of things, because they tend to take me out of the story instantly. It's not even "the devs didn't think this throughout", it's straight up "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?????". The non-reactions of characters to these revelations swiftly remind me that they are actually just puppets to The Plot and not, like, thinking and feeling beings. Which is terrible for a work of fiction. How people manage to get emotionally attached to the world that feels THIS artificial is beyond me. 💀

(I still want to see how it all ends, though. The trainwreck must go on haha)

True, but Kathryne DID have to deal with Nahida "oh she's just a puppet!"ing at her and possessing her body because she wasn't a real human... in the same country where we're supposed to be convinced Scaramouche really does have a heart or whatever. Hm.

You know, when people praise Genshin's insane "deep lore" and world-building, you really do have to raise an eyebrow bc like. Okay. Everyone's an Oceanid bc [x] and [y] happened because of it but like. Does it matter. Does any of that matter. I don't think any of it does matter. Egeria's sin could have been stepping on the Heavenly Principle's foot for all that mattered.

The non-reactions of characters to these revelations swiftly remind me that they are actually just puppets to The Plot and not, like, thinking and feeling beings.

YEAH, I've never played a game where I felt like the characters didn't matter more than this one? It makes it so hard to care about anything. It's like... okay, Fontaine is seeding lore about Sandrone. But after the way Fontaine handled Childe and Arlecchino, why should I give a shit about Sandrone? Sure we can fill in her wikipedia page, but do they really expect me to think her writing will be GOOD??? Why are people excited? Just for the sake of Learning Things?

I don't get it and I can't relate. I'm always mildly surprised when Genshin manages to accomplish the bare minimum. Like "oh, that set-up actually paid off!", you know?

I'm also deathly curious to see how this all ends but =_=; man it's frustrating

[recents]

and any takes from my first playthrough of da2 in january please disregard. i had not played origins. i knew naught of dragon age lore at all. veilguard had not been announced. people thought bioware would not be a studio in like 2 years. i had no context for any of the in-game politics i was seeing beyond the surface-level aesthetics. i played it in 70 hours over a span of like two weeks. for probably like 30 hours of it i was in withdrawal from my ADHD medication because of the shortage and for probably like 30 more i was buzzed AT A MINIMUM. all i knew was that three people who know my taste in fictional characters very well were like “hey, i have been in an emotionally abusive relationship with this franchise for half my life. i hate everything about all that it has become. do not get emotionally attached you will be hurt. however there’s an elf in it you are going to like.” okay? and they were right? okay? they were right. they were right. i booked it through that game to fuck fenris. he carried that playthrough on that narrow strip of exposed skin on his back. i actively tuned out everything else. okay. what im saying is im ready to play it for real. okay

[kindred-spirit-93]

right so, summer term is in less than a week and in the words of another tumblr post, this is for the wiggles; i need to get this out of my system before i implode. enjoy :)

greetings yall. this is essentially a list of my current ocs that live their own lives in their respective universes in the back of my mind. ill start out with a list and expand elsewhere later to avoid overwhelmingness

i will update this with links to individual oc fact files and posts in the future inshallah

･ﾟ*.･ﾟ✧ .･ﾟ*･ﾟ

✧ le fandoms and their respective established characters as of writing:

harry potter: anisa (tbc)

percy jackson: Hilal

the apothecary diaries: Maymuna

demon slayer: Siham

my hero academia: yamama (tbc)

✧ fandoms ive dabbled in that dont have established characters (yet):

spy x family

bungo stray dogs

hunter x hunter

the anne shirley serires

detective conan

inuyasha

the addams family

more that ive temporarily forgotten lol

✧ fandoms that dont get ocs for various reasons :

hamilton and other musicals

real life people (i find it weird)

childhood favourites like movies, shows, etc. (like tmnt, coraline, disney princesses, spacetoon classics like romeos blue skies...)

please kindly note that the way my hyperfixations work in terms of fandoms is that when i come across said fandom, i obsessively read every wiki page in existence and watch compilations and scour the interwebs for memes and sometimes fics, and proceed to avoid (for reasons unbeknownst to me) actually consuming the media itself (original books or its adapted versions). i believe its because i dont have the capacity to be emotionally attached to new characters and suffer, but whos to say :P

also note that these characters are in many ways inspired from my own experiences and i occasionally draw from people and places im familiar with, so in instances where things 'wouldnt work' for whatever reason, (firstly im aware, hence their existence) remember that these are works of fiction, and that with the right writing (mostly) anything works. and creative liberties mwahahaha >:)

this is one of the reasons this blog exists; for me to dump the contents of my mind to make way for other (hopefully more useful) stuff, so if u stumble on here feel free to partake (as per the guidelines stated in the pinned post), otherwise move on. this before anything else is for me and my amusement, i wont be catering to anyones interests.

this post and its contents is sponsored and made possible by maladaptive daydreaming and my other less than healthy coping mechanisms :)

me @ this post

[kiophen]

okay, i came from your big post, you know the one (outcast to harmful-id pipeline ig???) and i want to say that it is 1000% accurate. you have no idea how freeing it feels to hear someone like, actually get it. i was super lucky in my case, but ive seen a lot of people fall through this messed up little pachinko board.

so for context, i was groomed online all throughout highschool. classic no one will ever accept me as my real gender so ill just date people online kind of thing? my home life was super rough and i really only found acceptance online from adults.

i ended up falling in love with anime like kodomo no jikan and several age dynamic manga around that time because it was one of the only sources of media that make me feel seen in some way. i was pretty vocal about my love of this kind of media, at the time it felt like just a basic wanting to be edgy thing, but in hindsight i think it might have been a call for help in the shape of a huge red flag.

because of this it kind of isolated me more. and any time the topic of the shows i was identifying with would come up on social media or in youtube videos itd always be alongside words like pedo or groomer. these youtubers were inadvertently talking about me, to me, and i internalized it relatively quickly. i wasnt able to self reflect the way i can now, so to me at the time there were these pieces of media that i was getting immensely emotionally attached to for reasons i couldnt comprehend, and then there were people calling me really harsh things because of it.

and for a brief period at the time i was genuinely convinced that i was just a literal criminal who liked this horrible awful thing. and i was so scared of being judged even harsher or even being put in jail if i ever spoke up about what i was going through and showed anyone the literal thousands of DM screenshots i had saved up. i was 15.

now that im older, i can thankfully understand and cope with my feelings a lot better of course. i can fully distinguish fiction from reality, and i have much healthier, safer outlets. but still, there are times when a work like made in abyss will speak to me directly, and i end up seeing a part of my younger self in it, and it helps me understand myself better. and i try to tell people about this cool show i just watched that, despite its flaws (or possibly in part because of them), made me feel a little less alone in the pain i went through. and then people look at me like im a monster for having a connection to the bad thing that they havent taken the time to understand.

thank you for sharing. it is sad to know I was on-base with what i said in that post, but im glad that it has been speaking to people. you aren't alone

[fossilizations]

i tell people i dont watch a lot of tv/movies bc of time but the real reason is that i get emotionally attached to fictional characters way too fast and im physically incapable of being normal about them and like... i dont have the energy for all that

[hella1975]

hella.....i'm watching crash landing on you and i Need to Know, Please, how bad is the ending. how. how sad is it going to make me. i am so so emotionally attached to these fictional people and i'm not strong enough to watch them all separate if there isn't also a happy ending i can't do it it's too hard. i don't mind so long as they get to be happy in the end but you've mentioned that u dislike the ending and now i'm scared!! i'm on ep 13 and i quite literally Cannot move forward without spoilers it will literally kill me if se-ri and ri jeong hyeok don't end up happy like. help. u start a funky lil kdrama expecting it to be fun and then it hits u with the 'destiny intertwined us long before we knew each others' name and we each saved the other at our darkest moments without being aware of it and now we're separated by war and borders and ideological differences' and also ri jeong hyeok is the Most acts of service bitch ever i have to say it

you are the only mf in this city that can handle me you are SO real im squeezing you tightly and putting u in a headlock let’s go bestie we’ll get through this together. im going to be honest i do really dislike the ending and i can’t tell you why without totally spoiling it but let’s just say it’s a trope i ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOATHE. like whyyyyy did they do that it was going so well truly one of the best shows of all time and then that??? BUT i will say that they’re happy. like the show explicitly makes out that they get a happy ending it’s just that i feasibly dont understand how they can be happy with that. so it’s a bit of everything ig

[faerociousbeast]

okay. nightowl opinion post 👍👍

i THINK hes my favourite just bc hes a real one. i actually meant to do his route first but i didnt realize you start routes pretty much immediately so 💀 HOWEVER he Was the first route i fully finished :D

he was stressing me out SO BAD the whole time with his jealousy, especially since i went in completely blind. i was genuinely like. shit fuck hang on this isnt gonna be a y*ndere twist thing? youre not gonna kill yourself or me or everyone here dude. Right dude. please dude im begging.

and then he started talking about his final exam and stressed me out even MORE bc he was putting all his emotional. attachment stuff on me and i had my OWN exam the next day 😭😭 the last thing i wanted was to be the reason someone (albeit fictional) FAILED their FINAL EXAMS

STILL. like i said hes a real one!! and although those sound like complaints, im glad to have gotten so emotionally invested 🔥🔥 hes funny hes chill hes relatable in some aspects. i also like how they kinda briefly touched on the fact that like.. i Know its a game but getting attached to people you JYST met is kinda... yknow? but they explained it!! we took him seriously and were a new person who didnt know about his past stuff and that was a nice change in writing to see.

so i guess i just liked his personality? he was one of the more easy to approach ones, and his sense of humours similar to my own. so it was fun using prechosen chat dialogue to joke around 🎉🎉 and its always great when characters have flaws :D

romantically speaking i. Cannot speak for how i felt? i know its a dating game and i have been playing quite a few, but i still got jumpscared when he starts calling you cutie and blushing or whatever 💀 im not prepared for commitment dude and weve known each other for like 5 days as cool as you are. but i guess it was...... sweet? wow thats embarrassing to admit. he did really dish out the compliments 🤔

but altogether i had fun hes pretty awesome ✨ nightowl ftw

[jazstudios]

i think i might be just. actively- (whatever the present tense of derealization is) lol

starting to actually dawn on me that this is the only one life we'll (probably) have. the delusions ive been having are dying and im only left to quake at the sight of reality on the horizon and the fact i am so severely underprepared for everything lmao.

ive got the basic outlines out though, basically "work to give my family a good life" to make up for having to put up with me and my mistakes all throughout the years

basically- amount of shitty things they've had to put up with me because of me = the amount of good and joy they'll have in life which im gonna fight tooth and nail to give them. of course i aspire to give them even more yk, but this is the base minimum lmao. tho atp in time even that much is an uphill battle. lol

nothing feels real. right now. and aside from parents doing their normal fighting and one (mom lol) threatening to divorce/run away cuz she for some reason thinks dad cheated on her lmao?

dont worry, he didnt actually lol. this sounds like mad coping, but im being sincere when i say this lol

at first i thought it would actually kill me. ya know. this whole thing? not knowing if that day will the be the last straw for her? if that's the day when my family falls apart? then that thinking leads to "ohh but ur childhood is just a flowery experience that existed solely to you! the experience was entirely different for your family and they maybe dont even look back on those years as fondly as you do! your being delusional again, stop it" then it spirals from there lmao

ugh. idk how to phrase it lmao. this fight thing has been going for months, ya know. since like the start of this year. i hate it but what can ya do, when life gives u lemons? u shove the up ur eyeball🍋 yargg. yah

slight silver lining that came out of this though is that im getting a daily reminder that nothing in life is permanent, even your family! and that hey. sometimes love *isn't* enough. and that hey. vulnerability is scary. too scary. you can't ever trust someone with any of that, you'll never fully know someone. acknowledging your loved ones are their own people is acknowledging they can do as they please and that includes them leaving you. i say to myself this won't impact how i interact with love for the rest of my life, and it might not. it also, might. but eh whose to say

it's scary to think about. parents on the news always say they never could've guessed their kids are capable of let's say- murder, ya? they can never guess it. they don't know. no one does, i dont, you dont. you dont know if your tomorrow your mother will do something truly heinous that'll impact you negatively for the rest of your life. maybe, she doesn't mean for it to. maybe she had no choice. but, that doesn't really do much to change the effect it had on ur life yeah?

it's dumb. love will never be enough on it's own without action to back it up, but what if love is all you have? what if it's all you can give? what if holding out your heart to them, begging and pleading for them to not leave you, to please love you again, isn't enough? .

i dont know the answer. if you find out, hmu lmao.

but. idk even if i know this, i follow the same logic that damned me from the beginning. i do smth else that isn't what i know would be better for me in the long run.

long run plan: emotionally distance, i'll still be present, i'll still be hurt, but i wont die. at least. i think?

short term aka now: ive always been too emotional. too loose with my feelings, too easily attached. it sounds like im fucking flexing right now lmao but i swear im not trying to lmao. regard this whole bit with a "/derogatory" lol. i hate it. it's always lead me to make horrible horrible decisions, chase the wrong things, make nothing of myself.

it's hurt me so much but it's also the only comfort i have sometimes. comfort in fictional characters, they aren't real, but i love them. art, fantasy, anything else that isn't whats happening to me right now. ill probably like it.

it took me a while to realize how much of a stupid fucking cycle it is. how much of an addiction it is, essentially. but it's so hard to make the first fucking step forward. i easily imagine how i want to be and such, but again, delusions. lol

in my head. sometimes no time passes. sometimes stuff isn't real. sometimes technoblade didn't die (his always had a shit upload schedule lmao so it's easy, sometimes.). sometimes, i imagine, i can be myself but, better. what i imagine "a lover, artist" but someone you'd actually want to be around. ya know? not awkward. not distant. just, something that isn't me right now

sometimes i imagine i can stay how i picture it. happy, innocent, lovely and emotional. kind and friendly. i always liked pacifist route frisk who found a solution to everything, because of this lmao. even if it was impossible, instead of just accepting it gracefully and letting it remain memory of the past, sometimes i imagine getting ugly about it. barefist fighting against reality, fighting time. fighting the world. and sometimes, i imagine. it actually makes a difference. that it wasn't pointless

i don't know. im losing myself but i dont know if ive ever even knew who i was. was i ever anything more than failed expectations and concepts? i dont know. youd ask any of my old classmates who i am, and if they remember me, they might be able to tell you something. if you asked me, id have answer. a mistake, in all functionality of the word. not stretching, not dramatizing, quiet literally a bastard child and ive thought over it for months and i can safely say, if i was never conceived, that my family (tho they never would've been together) would be so, so happy in life

one half of me tears apart at this, they'd be so much happier right? but the other is the somber truth-ish that realizes the futility of it all. there'd be no point in killing myself tomorrow, ive already existed. ive already made marks and my death will have it's consequences. if i really want to repent for the sin of being born, then i should work myself to death for them. as an apology. (funny how they might not even stay together lmao, ah well i can just wire money to diff places ig if they move away lol) then after the last member of my direct family dies, i can just go find some random ditch and off myself lmao. i dont know. when I was like 12 i always planned to kill myself by 30 yk? death scared me, if god doesn't exist then where will my parents go? (i didn't really care about me lmao. im scared of the passage of time, but i welcome my eternal damnation with open arms lol) idk. aethiesm scared me. cause at that point (still do, mostly) i didnt believe in god per say. but then, there came the mortal issue, how to deal with death? at the time, i just thought that religion stemmed from the human fear of death. so people made up a god to comfort themself. i didn't blame them, how could you? reality hurts. it kills. i wish i could believe like they do. but i dont

eh whatever, i just dont think about it much. i cant picture a time where my parents will die. that they wont be there. i can see id probably spiral trying to cope, maybe die from alcoholism or smth else lol. but at point in time, it might sound a bit bad to say but once my first family member dies, i kind of hope the others follow soon. so i dont have to stick around either. typing this now, it makes me think, and thinking makes me want to claw my heart out of my chest but i dont have the capacity to feel much right now. it's like it's all blocked or heavily fogged up lol

it's hard. to remember other people. are real, ya know? is that weird to say? probably. time passes without you knowing it, i don't know. i have a lot i want to say but it's pretty much impossible to even pick out a string of words to start with

i don't know. ive loved people sure, but they're usually my friends lmao. im never sure if i really truly love them or if i just like the idea of them i have in my mind. ive loved in specific, for maybe like 2 years now lmao? not sure. there's the, do i actually like her enough to confess and risk our friendship? if i say no, is it because i dont actually like her or just cuz im 'shy' (lol)?

sometimes i imagine, idk that we lived close to each other or something, that i actually know who you are in real life, i imagine then id probably be able to distructure or solidify my, currently just random disconnected fluffy bits, of feelings lmao. idk. i love you, yeah i can say that with confidence

but is it romantic? what even is romantic love? isn't romantic love, just platonic love with extra steps? do i insist on it because i truly want to be actively in love with you or is it just the kind of love that will have to be satiated by knowing the subject of affection (in this case you lmao) is living a happy life? even if you did actually say yes, would i be able to meet the image of a 'healthy relationship' in my head? that takes communication, that takes work, i imagine i can do it but reality says otherwise lmao. idk. i love you enough to not want to do something that shitty to you. i want you to be happy, i want for you to be happy and secure and confident in your existence. i never want to see you where i am right now lmao, but i can't exactly stop it either way. it's a human experience i guess? and that's not even counting the "holy shit your being so parasocial and weird ew" i assure you the voice in my head abt this is plenty lmao.

but yeah. i love you. i'd send you flowers or even my heart if you wanted, i dont know if im joking but i dont know if i actually mean it, in the sense i dont know if im feeling the emotions i think i should be when saying something like that. i want my words to count for something, but how do i do that when i spend all my breathe trying to make up for my lack of action lmao.

but yeah, pretty much takeaway, i love you. now that i know you exist in the world, somewhere out there i dont know if i could go back to before i knew about you lol. i don't know if it's romantic or platonic, i don't know if i should pursue it or let it fade. but if you asked me take my last breathe then mail you my lungs, i probably would - let's half the shipping costs tho lmao. if you asked me to do something horrible and went against my entire sense of self, i also probably would. i dont know. the idea of it being for someone i love calms the possible thoughts of anxiety lmao. if you asked me to write you endless poetry, i probably would too, not saying it'd be good ofc but well, lol.

i'll be here, as long as you stick around. even if the day comes, you do move on with your life and this blog gets abandoned, ill still be here probably, just missing you a whole lot.

everything's confusing. everyday's its own battle and all it takes is one loss, lol.

ah well, i'll live my life loving you, i think ill be happy at least, having said this much

i love you a lot jaz, wholeheartedly i do

this entire ask is weird, feel free to leave out and not answer anything you want. dont even have to answer this if you want. answer and publish it, toss it into the void. anything's fine, im sorry i told you all this lol. idk, charades and distance and reality can only be stiffling for so long before i lost it and do something impulsive like send you this lmao. i'm not looking for your pity or sympathy, don't worry abt that part lol/genuine/lighthearted

i just. needed an outlet. i guess. haphazardly thrown together as this ask is. this is already more than i could've ever asked lmao, being able to speak all this out into the world, somewhere, to someone. thats all really

i love you so much jaz. take care, even if not that then please live to see tomorrow. i hope you have so, so many wonderful tomorrow's ahead of you. i love you

i settle with thinking about how our hypothetical relationship would probably all up burst in flames because of me LMAO. it's fun to think about. i love you, ill be here for you. im sorry im telling you all this

im severely aware of how unwarranted, weird, parasocial, delusional and arguably cruel this whole thing is. im pretty much objectifying you, i wish i knew you but that's another thing that's probably gotta have to stay in the "keep delusions inside till they die" room lol. im sorry. for all this.

i love you, im sorry i keep saying it lmao, it gets annoying and this whole thing is already bothersome enough as is. this whole thing isn't me trying to guilt trip you or anything btw, sincerely i apologize if it does come off that way.

i always said to myself "you can't claim to truly love someone, if your willing to let their wellbeing rely on risk." pretty much risking how negative this might impact your mind or mood, im sorry. im a hypocrite. i really do truly love you, i dont know why im telling you all this, im sorry jaz, i love you

please live a life you won't regret in the end, im sorry for asking you something like this.

thank you for existing in the same period as me, it's already a chance in a million. thanks also for having the anon option in your tumblr lmao, i probably would've never said any of this to you. im sorry i did, again, btw.

i love you sincerely, jaz. that much i can say, and i know ill have been honest with myself

i love you so so very much

Anon I'm not a very good comforter for things like these, I don't have a way with words even though my favourite subject is English. But let me just say this, anon.

You are an incredibly talented person, you are special to the people who love you, you are beautiful, you are kind, and most of all, you are a very loving person. You're probably one of the most romantic people I know, anon! I love your poetry, I love your use of words. I love the asks you send me every now and then and they make me extremely happy. You are worth it.

I love you anon. I love you in a way that my mom slices apples for me to eat, I love you in a way that my cousins play Roblox with me. I love you, even if it was platonic or romantic. I love you. Saying it won't mean that you're in love with them instantly, no! It's just- we love.

I wish I lived near you as well, wherever you may be. Or whoever you may be. It's okay if you won't reveal yourself, that's alright with me. As long as you are alive and well, as long as you take care of yourself, as long as you're safe- that's enough for me, anon. You love so much, and I consume all of the things you write to me, the things you say. Because I love them, because I love you.

Please be safe, take care, I love you, anon

[ukegenius]

this turned into a yap sesh im sorry also disclaimer i dont have npd ( i have narcissistic traits but i dont think i have the disorder 😭 ) this is all ramblings of someone who does research into cluster b disorders for fun and to educate myself ( i hateee demonization of these disorders as someonewith a cluster b disorder ) BUT to the npders in the crowd pleaseee let me know if i got anything wrong i wanna educate myself

i will elaborate on this just a tad not only because somebody asked but i wanna let the people know i dont headcanon Ford as having NPD as a way to demonize him but genuinely because i personally think he shows traits of NPD

its hard for me to.collect my thoughts so if this becomes a yapping sesh mb but i know what im trying to say so please work with me

but i personally headcanon him as having NPD because if you look into the deeper and more psychological/inward symptoms of npd ( the insecurity , paranoia the fear of being vunerable , feelings misunderstood, need to be the best , sensitvity to criticism ) i think Ford shows those in his character

Ford wants to be seen as important because of the fact he is insecure and i am assuming aswell because of his upbringing and his father ( Filbrick ill get you ) and if i remember correctly in a interview alex did say that Ford does believe there are "special" people and only they can understand his uniqueness which im pretty sure is a symptom/result of npd ( or narcissism in general ) he views himself as special and constantly thinks about how he can succeed ( i think him being bitter over west coast tech and wanting to do his grand theory of weirdness or whatever the fuck shows rhat ) but he ALSO does show signs of him being pretty insecure and craving attention or admiration from other people ( or maybe dream demons ) to cover up his feelings of insecurity and feeling like a "freak" all his life

im literally unsure if ANY of what i said will make sense to the average human who doesnt have a melted brain but all in all or a tldr of sorts

i headcanon Ford to have NPD not because hes "oh mean asshole whos manipulative and a terrible human" i headcanon him as having NPD because of the fact he is insecure and combats those insecurities by believing he is better than others and him having those beliefs and traits have ( to my understanding of his character so far i wanna pick him apart more ) persisted through most if not all of his life and ALSO because of those insecurities and those traits he seeks admiration and attention from others to prove that he is worth something

and i also headcanon him as having bpd as kinda projection ( i have bpd hello ) and autism is also projection ( also autistic hello x2 ) most of my headcanons for Ford come with a little bit of projection because i see myself in his character ( 17 year old becomes emotionally attached to 60+ year old fictional character and pays the price ) so if i headcanon any character as something it is always with love and care and heavy research into it ( psychology special interest )

i will be adding to this maybe down the line because my mind is so jumbled all the time but i headcanon him as having NPD because of the deeper feelings of insecurity and low self esteem that is accompanied with NPD i believe he does all of the things he does so other people wont percieve him as a failure because he himself thinks he is a failure ( i believe he thinks this because of the fact that he kept pushing to find all the research he could on the weirdness of gravity falls not only because he didnt want people to take *his* accomplishment but also because he didnt want to be perceived as the person who failed and gave up on finding everything )

the pines family are all autistic but stan and ford have something else special called "cluster b personality disorders"

[chainsaw-raven]

Hey happy storytelling Satunday.

As I'm not intimately acquainted with your writing and the people yet, tell me about a couple! Who are some of your characters you have a personal preference for, regardless of their importance to the story?

Theo . Does he need to be important? No. Am I making him important anyway? Yes. Am I emotionally attached to this fictional blue squiggle of a boy? Also yes.

He’s someone long lost brother. And also ends up being a thorn in our main groups side until he realizes that our main group consists of his old friends and sister he was manipulated into leaving. He ends up switching sides to join them becuase he’s like, fuck it im going to do everything I can to make it up to you.

If I wasn’t so attached to his character I could have just kept him as an antagonist tool but I had to work him in to the story in a way that was more morally gray supporting character then just a plain static minor character.

[raincamp]

7 - 29 - 23

i was too distracted by good omens 2 yesterday to write anything haha, a good thing though, because it meant that i was distracted from the emotions im experiencing in real life. i instead spent all of yesterday in mourning with crowley. i feel like he and i are going through similar issues right now, it was nice to feel like i had someone (fictional) who understood, and also had somewhere (fictional) to put all my feelings.

he is so BPD coded — i can't even begin to talk about it

anyway, today i spent most of my time with my best friend (M) who i think i have yet to mention here? she's kind of a FP— or she used to be— or, i honestly don't know at this point. since i figured out my therapist is a FP of mine, it feels like maybe M has become less of one? or maybe it just feels like that in comparison. its all so confusing sometimes to put labels on things. but i think whats important is that i have an attachment to her that is sometimes on the unhealthy side, but our relationship remains stable because we both put in the work to make it that way despite my unhealthy attachment.

we went to a cafe and i talked a lot about therapy, which was nice, she's a psychology major so she loves hearing about me and my disorder and my therapy, and she's also really insightful about relationships so she had a lot to add, it was kind of reassuring, but i did also accidentally trigger myself and started talking some very obvious BPD-cognitive-distortion-bullshit about my therapist which was kind of humiliating. she was understanding though— immediately called me out on it. and then suggested we do something else because she could tell it was distressing me.

i fear that i might start becoming emotionally dependent on her again now that my therapist has cut me off. i dont think it would be too bad, because of the stability of our relationship, however i do have feelings about that potential situation, because i dont particularly enjoy being dependent on anybody. it makes me feel guilty and ashamed of myself, and kind of frustrated because i can't seem to just be independent. the concept seems to be totally foreign to me.

i was going to try to hang out with another of my friends today too, but she didnt answer my 15 phone calls, and i kind of split on her too :') im having a rough time right now. idk why im getting so easily triggered all of a sudden.

maybe i just have more emotional vulnerability now? hm. its difficult figuring this kind of stuff out without her, my therapist, i miss her. i need her.

everything just feels kind of empty and hollow without my therapist in my life. like. i know im technically only missing seeing her for 2 days, but theres weeks in between those two days, and those weeks start to feel like years when it's somebody im so dependent on. so i feel like i've lost so much.

M was talking about how its possible my therapist withdrew partly because of how attached i was becoming, and i dont even want to consider that a possibility right now, but i cant stop thinking about it. i dont have control over how attached i become to people, and if thats whats causing her to be so cold towards me— which has been causing me SO much pain— then im gonna be,, idk i'm having a hard time identifying my feelings today. but its essentially telling me that i should be able to stop something i don't have control over in order to have the support that i need. I don't think thats fair.

thats the message im getting from this whole situation anyway though, since it all comes back to an addiction, which I don't have control over.

maybe i just dont deserve mental health support and treatment, i feel like thats just the overall message the universe is trying to convey to me right now. idk what i did to deserve it, but i obviously did something, so ig i should just accept the punishment. nothing i can do about it now.

if my therapist were here she'd call me out on blaming the universe like she always does. but shes not here so she can get fucked. ill stay being delusional if it makes me feel better.

im dissociated as fuck today

- andrew

[hffnjue4y]

my mood is unstable these days.

some days i feel like im on cloud 9. everything is perfect. we have hardships ahead, but theyre all manageable and worth it. they feel far away, and unclear. on those days, i cant even grasp what it is about her im so stressed about.

and then, like a switch, it can change. i feel unsure, stressed. it usually happens when we dont talk (she’s asleep right now) things feel hopeless, everything feels pointless. it’s like im exposed to a side of the world i never had to consider before- through her eyes. how much she was hurt, how much shes still hurting. how much she has to deal with. and it hurts me. i wanna live in oblivion again sometimes. i didnt know how much of this world i wasnt seeing before.

i tried talking to other people, they often make things worse- i dont wanna feel like i have to defend this relationship. i want people to be happy for us, not worry about me. and i know typing that makes it all sound incredibly abusive, which it isnt. i dont know what to do anymore.

i love her so much. i think i need to address that attachment we have. this often overwhelms me just how much she occupies my mind, her, our relationship. i think im starting to understand what she told me back then- about how loving fictional characters means theres no expectations back. they cant disappoint you. real people are way harder. and i think i didnt know it so far cause i never let myself truly attach to anyone.

now there are stakes. we’re both emotionally involved, to a point where we can hurt each other a lot. and thats scary.

i worry about her being “unregulated” but then again, am i regulated? my mood swings so dramatically. i overthink. i talk too much about this relationship but no one seem to understand. im confused. im not sure what i want in life anymore. i want to be away from here, i want her close with all my family and friends. i want her, im scared of her (our relationship and attachment). i get really nervous and anxious around fights, aggression, loud noises, and sometimes she triggers it.

i dont want to stress her out anymore. she’s doing good these days, and i think this stress will pass shortly. i dont feel like bringing her down with my uncertainty and doubts all the time- im afraid she might think im gonna leave her. we need to fix our trust, but i think only time will tell here.

talking with mom today freaked me out. she doesnt seem to trust this relationship will last. mom’s view of my girlfriend means the world to me. i wish they could meet. im afraid that when they meet mom wont like her, or worst, shed think she isnt good for me. im afraid shes seeing things that i dont. but she also doesnt have the full picture.

i dont know how much of things right now come from the fact that im unemployed, but at my grandparents place, feeling directionless. i think i might be depressed. and someone i love is so far away, its almost impossible to cross that distance without committing in a way. so of course its scary.

today i woke up from a nap feeling pretty bad. i missed her texts and the part of me that still hangs to her desperately wants to spend every moment together.

HOW. DO. I. MAKE. THIS. HEALTHY?

was this doomed from the start?

whos to say whats healthy and whats not?

are these fears common, because im new to relationships of this level?

if i have the thought, does it mean its true?

things to do:

- do. not. put. your. emotional. well. being. after. anyone. elses.

- trust you gut??? i have no idea anymore, this changes every day.

- mental illness isnt the end of the world. it makes things hard for her, yes, but its not unlivable. trust her to do her best and support her.