#im eating conk create

[nudibutch]

tfw even though youre stone your partner is observant of your likes and is interested in your body and actively expresses that they love how you express pleasure and interact with their body and how they love how their body interacts with yours like. wow. holy shit.

i had some of the most transformational sex of my life tn. someone slap me. is this real.

[valdederon]

FLAMES JOURNEY CHAPTER #22 novas first dungeon dive

nova,valdederon and raykore continue training over the next few days when she finaly can create a golden shield around her self for atleast an hour per day.. or for short burst in combat.

valdederon--- im so proud of you little pup.

raykore--- you did well but you still have a long way to go.

nova sticks her tongue out at raykore and giggles.

nova---thank you big brother.. mmmph im so sleepy now..

valdederon--- ok my sweet princess come on into the tent and you can sleep in my tail fluff again.

nova blushes and nods taking 2 steps forward before falling face first into the grass promptly flalling asleep with a heavy snore making raykore valdederon and draggo laugh softly.

valdederon smiles nad gently picks up the conked out aura pupy and gently takes her into the tent with him and draggo preparing some food for when she wakes .

draggo--- ha ha ha looks like she fell asleep while walking.. hope the little one gets some good rest

valdederon sets her in his tail and rubs her back as she grabs hold with her paws purring happily as she wiggles instinctualy to burry her self in the warm furr.

valdederon--- well i think we should look for a low level dungeon quest at the guild and get her used to how they can be.. before we go to it we need ground rulles for her to follow number one among them do not fight . shes only going to be there to observe.

draggo--- are you sure on that

valdederon sighs with a sense of pain and worry recalling near death experiances from his training being put in dungeons by rakore making her chuckle as she sees the look in his eyes.

valdederon---yes im 100% sure.. my training was brutal and part of it was going alone.. into dungeons..unprepared and with only light armor my magic and a dagger with a shield off hand. nova atleast has us to guide here.. and raykore.. make now mistake if you throw her into anything unprepared.. there will be consequences.

he throws her a look of pure murderous malicious confirmation that its a promise and not a threat making her yelp startled by the once obediant aprentice's sudden firmness

raykore--- well youve grown alot havent you my young pupil… i have to say that was rather unexpected.. ha ha you were never so direct in our old world.. im proud of you and you have my word i wont put her in danger like that.

draggo looks between them throughly confused and sighs

raykore-- so draggo waht was your species called again.. im curious to learn more about this world.. what i wouldnt give to eat some meat again.. and actualy fuking taste it god spiritual food has no….. has nothing.. no taset no depths no feel.. ugh im going insane over here..

draggo--- well my species is.. techincly 3 different animals there is goomy sliggoo and then goodra.. the world of pokemon even to us pokemon is still a mystery to us all.

raykore burst out laughing quietly.

raykore-- aint that the damed universal truth.. i havet met a single speceies who truly knows thier kind inside and out we all have mysteries in us.. even my own kind were mysterious.. i was the runt of the litter. even so most humanoids are shorter then me.

draggo--- interesting got any preferences on what youd want to be if you were pokemon.

raykore-- i havent put much thought into it honestly.. ive been cofusing my energy into training our star pupils little sister.. ha ha even he fell asleep.

draggo---he sometimes doesnt sleep well.

raykore with a heavy sigh and flick of her smoking pipe.

raykore--not surprising honestly it honestly terrafied me at first just how strong willed he was as a kid one look into his eyes and i knew he was angry..wasnt untill the knights told me were and hoe he was found that i took him in, nightmares.. flash backs.. ha ha ha, i had to put him back in diapers because he couldnt stip wetting or soiling his bed at night.. that passed pretty quick though only about 4 weeks before his body adjusted to his stress.

draggo--- did you ever wonder what he would have done if you werent there to guid him..to divert his rage some what.

her ears twitch as she rolls her eyes perking her tails up with force.

raykore-- gods.. i dont even want to know just how much damage he would have caused if i hadnt trained him magic.. its a living thing and if you dont have a grasp on it..anything froma town destroyed to the ground shattered acrosss continents.. even the fabric of reality could be shattered by un controlled rage filled magic like his..

dragos eyes widen realising the gravity of what that would entail.

draggo---..thats..wow..

raykore looks up at the rising night moons all 7 of them.

raykore--- 7 moons.. when was the last time i even saw a single moon rise.. let alone 7 moons at once,. you know despite the chaos this world is in.. i feel .. valdederon can realy grow.. heal..and be happy here. ha ha ha.. some times i think he forgets he was a human once. and im ok with that.

the night drags by slowly evryone byt raykore sleeping while she stares at the moons thinking back on her long life then looking back at valdederon and novaa sense of pride welling up in her soul as he turns back into spirit form to rest.

the next day nova yawns waking up beeing carried by valdederon into the guilds quest board room. nova looks around yawning and rubs he eyes and while at the quest board gets out of valdederons tail furr with a heavy thump and a loud puppy like yipe startling valdederon as he looks down were nova faceplanted grogily onto the hard wood floor and she sits up holding her nose witch had begin to bleed alittle .

valdederon--- are you ok hun.

nova---mmmmph..do i look ok.. i just bashed my face into the floor.

he chuckle using healing magic on her nose and ruffling her head furr.

valdederon--- well how about you head on into the mess hall and draggo and i will meet you there and we can have a big breakfeast.

she smiles tail wagging and bolts down the hall to the mess hall ocasionaly stumbling evryso often still half asleep.

draggo--- hows this one sound.. looking for a team to clear a dungeon full of goblins and rescue a lost miltank and a clutch of snivy hatchlings..

valdederon--- perfect goblins are weak so her aura shield will be more then enough to keep her safe but make no mistake goblins are a big threat.. they tend to explode in numbers and reproduce like rabits on drugs.

draggo--- oooofff that sounds bad.

valdederon-- if unchecked goblins can eventualy overun kingdoms plunging them into hell basicly.

they both grab the quest paper and get it stamped and head to the mess hall were a charmeleon is laughing while nova whimpers covered with food and draggo looks directly at valdederon who fell dead silent the moment he opend the door to the site and in seconds the once loud mess hall falls spookily silent as evryone picks up on the sudden rage boiling forth from valdederon .

draggo---.well…ill see my self… out.

he bolts as valdederon fists clenched walks into the mess hall all mon inside avoiding eye contact seeing the death glare coming from them all accept the arrogant charmeleon who laughs at the sudden arival of a bright pink delphox.

( WARNING LIGHT BLOOD AND HEAVY VIOLENCE IN NEXT PARAGRAPH)

valdederon with out a word kicks the small lizard pokemon with brutal force witch sends him flying into the wall shattering several glass windows on impact and making him cough up a spurt of blood and fall down only to be grabed by the throat .

valdederon--- THINK ITS FUNNY TO BULLY OTHERS DO YA… well target my little sister. and youl find a verry pissed off delphox.. i havent seen you… you new around here

the charmeleon curls his tail up a silent pitter of liquid hitting the floor beneath him as he nods terrified of th sudden outburst of rage his face turning red realizing hes in full view of the mess hall

valdederon-- dont ever cross me or my sister again.. i wont hesitate getting rid of you in a second if you become a threat to us.. or the guild.. i dont tollerate bullies and clean up your mess

valdederon drops him into the pungent puddle formed by fear and walks off and cleans nova up and takes his lunch hers and draggos out .

valdederon--- were gona go on a mission later on after lunch hun will you be ok.

nova--… you made him have an accident.. that was mean buba.

valdederon-- i wasnt trying to do that.. it just happens when some one is scared stiff like that..

nova--- i hope he and i can become friends.. i think hes lonely

valdederon-- well he will have to apologize for bullying you first.

nova nods and eats with valdederon and draggo. all 3 of them staying silent mean while in the mess hall the charmeleon whimpers and begins to sob runing out embarrased confused and scared eventualy ending up in the infirmary to recive treatment for the minor wounds he got from his encou nter with valdederon.

nova--- so whats the mission.

draggo--- a dungeon clear and rescue mission a miltank and snivy hatchlings got lost inside

valdederon--- your there to watch and learn as we clear it .. youl also carry a bag with medical supplies. be sure to keep up your aura sheild in combat ok hun.

she nods nervous but also excited. later on that day they head out to the dungeon. while on the wy there nova keeps close with valdederon and draggo both of them also keeping an eye on here and around them as they move soon entering the dungeon entrance heading down inside whilemoving slow and steady.

nova whispering-- this place feels creepy.

valdederon--were inside the dungeon keep close and quiet watch around us as well. gobims are near probably already watching us.. if you see side paths let us know.. those are places they ambush un aware adventurers from..

nova nods keeping an eye out un knowingly pusling ora like a radar pulse. after a few hours nova yelps and puts up her shield up as an arrow flies out.

nova--- BEHIND US THEY ARE ATTACKING

she whimpers and holds to valdederon as he lifts up his staff and unleases fire ball attacks burning 40 goblins at once thier scraches echoing through the cavernous dungon before falling silent more coming from the other directions as they are at a divergance point with 12 different tunnel openings…

valdederon--- well done nova--- now keep that shield up and let us fight…

draggo--- i wont let a single filthy creton touch you little pup.

nova---… im an adult already…no ..fair…

she pouts but does as shes told knowing she doesnt have any combat experiance and for the next few hours they fight on and off while going through and ending up finding a miltank tinged green with goblin blood and bits and pices evry were her eyes heavy with exaustion ..

valdederon-- nova go check them out ok.. check for injuries.. goblins use poisin so give the hatchlings and

nova rushes over as the miltank falls over into valdederons grasp panting body burning with fever having been fighting for days on end with little food and water..

draggo--- she doesnt look to hot.

valdederon--were lucky we got here when we did.. malnorusihed dehydrated.. dam it shes been holding of goblins alone for god knows how long..

nova--- the baby snivy are all healthy ..

draggo--- come over and help the miltank over here hun

valdederon.. can you speak hun.. whats your name

the miltank wheases and nods..

nina-- my name is nina.. please get the little ones out leave me.

valdederon bats her on the nose with his paw and sternly looks at her.

valdederon--- were here to get evryone out not just the snivy..

nova gives the miltank a pile of berries to eat while draggo stands guard at the entrance.

nina eats the berries and sits up as valdederon starts cleaning her furr then bandaging it up while nova helps were she can after a few minutes they all group up with the baby snivy who are all hungry

nova--- come on kids hold out paws .

valdederon--- we will be heading back to the guild via teleport… nina you might end up throwing up so fair warning

Draggo--- im ready to head back.

valdederon makes sure evryone then taps his badge in a flash evryone is inside the guild psychics lair and nina whimpers and holds her stomach but manages to hold it in before promptly passing out .

valdederon--- call for ever green we need him. urgently

the psychics nod and teleport evergreen who falls on his tail with a yelp and sees the week clutch of snivy and the week miltank and begins getting them taken care of having his assitants come dwon and carryi the miltank while he walks with the snivy.

nova--t..that w.was scary.

valdederon--- this was the lowest of low level dungeons we could take you on hun..from here on they only get harder and more dangerous… after a couple days rest we start more combat training when you can land a hit on me… then ill let you go with us on a dungeon were you can get some fighting experiance.. but you have to listen when we tell you to do somthing.

she nods and hugs his leg shaking heavily.

[marriedzukka]

writing. you know how it is

[nagipops]

KONOHA ELEVEN IN A ZOOM CLASS!

FEATURING: naruto, sakura, shikamaru, ino, choji, hinata, kiba, shino, neji, rock lee, and tenten

WARNINGS: mentions of food

NARUTO

definitely has forgotten that he was unmuted multiple times

or his camera was accidentally turned on

you could just see him sprawled on his bed with a bowl of instant ramen on his lap and a blanket wrapped around himself

EARRAPE SLURPS!! rip headphone users.

sometimes he notices that his camera’s turned on and you can see him freak out and scramble to turn it off

but he accidentally unmutes himself too and so you just hear panicked yelling

his device topples to the floor with a loud crash and he screams so loud istg

the next thing you see is naruto’s face hovering over the camera in fear just before his camera turns off and he’s muted again

the teacher is so confused?? naruto should i call an ambulance

but when he’s not eating in class, he’s sleeping in class

too busy sleeping to leave the zoom at the end of class so he’s always the last one left in the meeting besides the teacher

always asks sakura what happened during the zoom and she is FED UP

SAKURA

enters the waiting room 15 minutes before class is actually supposed to begin

spends the next 15 minutes rearranging her work area, making sure she’s prepared for the day

sits properly at her desk with her hair smoothed down and her face positioned perfectly in frame

if no one else has their camera on, she’s the only one with it on

seriously, she ALWAYS HAS IT ON

and she never leaves the screen somehow

diligently takes notes, uses the “raise hand” feature every two minutes to ask a question

sometimes it can get a bit annoying, even for the teacher

but she almost always gets perfect marks

acts like in angel in class, but after class... no promises, naruto!

SHIKAMARU

this man can barely stay awake during missions, so during a zoom? HECK NAH

shikamaru is literally me,, half asleep during lessons but somehow gets amazing grades

everyone’s either pissed at or envious of him (especially naruto)

obviously does not have his camera on

and rarely ever unmutes

uses the chat feature to answer the teacher’s questions but this man is basically asleep so its so incoherent

“shikamaru, what is a hyperbole?”

in chat: “a hyeprbole is a exsaggerayed phras,e”

teacher definitely thinks he’s cheating on tests

INO

either a) daydreaming about boys or b) checking herself out in the zoom camera OR c) secretly fuming at sakura’s know-it-all behavior

the two girls definitely compete to see who can raise their virtual hand first

"ahem, ahem- sensei? could i answer this question?"

her voice gets all sickly sweet and sakura HATES IT

the two of them totally got caught insulting each other in the private chat

100% the type of student to rewrite her notes after classes with various markers and colored pens and pretty fonts and patterns and whatnot

loves doodling flowers in her notebook during boring lessons!

CHOJI

another strong contender for the Loudest Student award!

not on purpose though, he just forgets that space bar = unmute, and plays some jumping game in another tab (like the no internet dino game!)

also,, rip headphone users

c r o n c h munch munch munch

are you kidding this man's chews are loud enough in person, but with a HEADSET?! hoo boy.

has conked out several times during class

just imagine the name Choji Akimichi with a profile picture of a bag of chips light up with the green box around it with a thunk

the teacher and class is so confused

but then you hear mumbles of "barbeque... chips... barbeque..."

and you realize that the man fell asleep onto his keyboard

he sleeps through the rest of class

HINATA

shy bb has never ONCE turned on her camera

the only time she's ever unmuted was to say "here" during attendance on the first day of school

if the teacher ever takes attendance again, she just uses the raise hand feature

what if naruto-kun thinks my voice is ugly? what if i accidentally turn on my camera? what if the teacher thinks i'm not paying attention? what if-

poor baby is too busy worrying about showing herself on zoom to actually pay attention

actually gets good grades though and her classmates wonder if she’s even there

her zoom pfp is definitely just a purple google “H”

KIBA

has the CUTEST zoom pfp hands down

it’s a selfie of him grinning cheerily with baby akamaru

100% has his camera on the whole time to show off his pup

he loves seeing everyone’s faces on screen melt and aww at the lil big doggo

sometimes akamaru just walks in front of the camera and blocks kiba from view and you just see a massive wall of white fur on screen LMAO

even though kiba’s muted, you can see him and akamaru bickering about who knows what

or even play fighting,, these two get into full on BRAWLS during class

just imagine akamaru shoves kiba into his desk and his camera crashes to the ground overturned so you see the ceiling and the occasional dog tail wagging in the corner

seriously, can the teacher ever catch a break with this class?

the answer is no.

SHINO

his zoom pfp is just a tick.

a singular tick

totally answers questions in chat with proper capitalization and punctuation

shikamaru’s improper answers tick him off

“A hyperbole is an expression that is greatly exaggerated. They are used in order to create emphasis.”

has never unmuted in his life either

he’s so unfazed by everything that goes down in class that it’s funny

if anything the slightest bit RELATED to bugs comes up during class, in 0.00238 seconds this man has an entire essay about them posted in chat, almost like he had it copied and READY to paste

everyone's definitely shocked that there’s actually a human listening behind a tick profile picture

NEJI

a very diligent note taker

seriously, this man writes like a printer; perfectly even handwriting that looks like a font, a million words per minute

everyone asks him for his notes after the zoom because they’re so neat (especially naruto, to neji’s dismay)

he gets excellent grades since he’s so organized and focused

just wishes the zoom would be over so he can work alone in peace

really hates unmuting so he often gives one-word answers in the chat

“Yes” “47” “Present” “Goodbye”

has used a zoom reaction ONCE in his life and he has never wanted to crawl into a hole and perish more

it was a complete accident,, mans was just trying to open the chat to type in his answer, but in a cruel twist of fate he clicked on the 😂 reaction

and he just sat there for ten excruciating seconds in complete and utter shock and shame for ten excruciating seconds as he prayed for it to disappear

tenten would never let him live that down

ROCK LEE

Zoom Reaction Enthusiast

😂😮👍🎉❤️ 24/7

naruto accidentally unmutes himself? 😮

choji falls asleep on his keyboard? 😂

neji answers something correctly? 👍

tenten received the highest score in class? 🎉

akamaru appears on screen? ❤️

unmutes whenever he needs to, but he thinks the little emoticons are so silly and cute

otherwise, he is EXTRA FOCUSED and EXTREMELY DETERMINED to learn all of the things

he’s the first to unmute whenever the teacher asks if the class can see the screen share, hear them correctly, etc.

never takes his eyes off the screen!! he could be missing out on important information

I FEEL LIKE,, i feel like he would totally keep his camera off when he’s muted but whenever he unmutes he would also turn his camera on

so when he says a quick “yes!” his camera turns on but before his camera can adjust properly to the light he mutes and turns his camera back off so his face is just super dark for a split second LMAOOO

tell me im wrong

TENTEN

exasperated by this entire class

thinks her and neji are the only sane ones in the class and it’s true

wants to tell sakura and ino to stop competing and just focus on learning, since they’re the only other girls in the class besides hinata

plus she’s just fed up with all the lazy boys

takes great pride in passing every assignment, test, or exam with flying colors

teachers pet, but the quieter type who stays after every zoom and sends lots of emails regarding assignments and grades and whatnot (unlike sakura and ino who rub it in the teacher’s face)

doesn’t like helping other people besides neji, girl’s got a soft spot for him since they have a mutual respect for each other

but if you’re a handsome prince, maybe she’ll help you out!

if you enjoyed this post, likes and reblogs are much appreciated :) feel free to request here, and make sure to read the rules first! have a lovely day everyone <3

[koris-crumbs]

I’m Here For The Entertainment

Prev-Chapter six-Next

A My Hero Academia group chat story

Warnings: Cursing, and Shoto does make one slightly sexual comment but that’s pretty much it

Pairings: Pining dekubaku, established and cute momojirou, and some flirty Seroroki

A/N: This chapter is a bit shorter again, it’s mainly a shitpost chapter if anything, but I still find it funny either way. Hope you guys do too!

~~~

TheNewBestie is online.

BigBakuSimp is online.

NonbinaryBastard is online.

NonbinaryBastard: LMAOOO

BigBakuSimp: betrayed by my best friend

TheNewBestie: midoriya please

BigBakuSimp: I’m leaving our monthlong friendship

TheNewBestie: midoriya

MochiCheeks is online.

Yaomomo is online.

Yaomomo: Oh no what happened?

MochiCheeks: shoto didn’t tell me he had a crush on hanta either deku it’s okay

MochiCheeks: me and the bestie getting through grief together

BigBakuSimp: girl I

BigBakuSimp: ocha

MochiCheeks: what

NonbinaryBastard: he loves me 🥴😩

TheNewBestie: oh so I see we just spilling secrets now

TheNewBestie: hey jirou ochako was the one who ate the mochi you were saving

MochiCheeks: YOURE DEAD TO ME

MochiCheeks: I FORGOT HANTA WAS IN HERE NOW IM SORRY

NonbinaryBastard: I’ve been in here for the past weeks babes

NonbinaryBastard: in your defense most of us haven’t been online tho

NonbinaryBastard: imagine being me and having to take extra classes tonight bc Midnight conked me out

MochiCheeks: imagine being Mineta and the only reason you’re being a hero is bc that’s the only way you think you’ll get pussy 🤢

TheNewBestie: he’s not coming for just pussy

BigBakuSimp: HELP

BigBakuSimp: I NOW KNOW TRUE FEAR

MochiCheeks: NO HES AFTER DEKU

BigBakuSimp: he’s been lurking ),:

BigBakuSimp: me and Todoroki after making a narrow escape from Mineta

MochiCheeks: me and the boys after floating Mineta into the sun

Yaomomo: I don’t condone unnecessary violence but I agree

BigBakuSimp: oh honey this is v necessary

NonbinaryBastard: so shoto about that little comment saying you had a crush on me

TheNewBestie: oh look at that I gotta get back to training

NonbinaryBastard: you can’t run forever

TheNewBestie: no seriously Aizawa looks like he’s about to punt me

NonbinaryBastard: oh nvm then bby go be a good student

BigBakuSimp: I’m so glad Tiger gave me a break but he keeps coming by giving me the side eye

BigBakuSimp: I think he wants me to get up 😖

BigBakuSimp: SHO I THOUGHT YOU SAID MR AIZAWA WAS BY YOU

TheNewBestie: he was???

BigBakuSimp: YOURE LIKE AT LEAST A MILE AWAY FROM ME HOW DID HE GET HERE SO FAST

MochiCheeks: MR WORLDWIDE

BigBakuSimp: don’t you dare bring pitbull into this

MochiCheeks: on another note I’m about to vomit

MochiCheeks: aoyama bout to have irritable bowel syndrome

BigBakuSimp: DHAODNWODNEOR HELP

MochiCheeks: IM SERIOUS

MochiCheeks: sero stopping by for a visit gimme a sec

Yaomomo: I feel a bit queasy too now that Ochako mentioned it

BigBakuSimp: aren’t they making you eat and create non-stop??

Yaomomo: yes ):

Yaomomo: me and Sato

Yaomomo: midoriya do you know if Kyokas taking her break yet?

BigBakuSimp: I cant see her from here, I’m sorry ):

Yaomomo: it’s okay

Yaomomo: I have you after all

BigBakuSimp: yeah!

BigBakuSimp: I’ll be moral support for as long as Tiger lets me

Yaomomo: are you alright from yesterday’s little incident with Kota?

BigBakuSimp: physically yes emotionally never again

Yaomomo: 😭😭😭

TheNewBestie: not bakugo laughing as if he doesn’t wanna be the one touching your dick

BigBakuSimp: TODOROKI

Yaomomo: DONT MAKE ME LAUGH IM GONNA CHOKE

TheNewBestie: WHY ARE YOU TEXTING WHILE TRAINING

BigBakuSimp: WHY ARE YOU??

MochiCheeks: on the toilet yall

BigBakuSimp: GIRL DID AOYAMA GIVE YOU HIS IRRITABLE BOWELS?

TheNewBestie: are we all gonna ignore how Ochako announced her presence

MochiCheeks: yeah

Yaomomo: I CHOKED AND SATO GAVE ME A CONCERNED LOOK

Yaomomo: HE SAW THE CHAT YALL

BigBakuSimp: ITS OKAY SATO WONT TELL

MochiCheeks: sato number one

Yaomomo: I ASKED HIM NOT TO TELL AND HE SAID HE WOULDNT BUT HE WANTED TO BE ADDED LATER ON

BigBakuSimp: FINALLY SOMEONE WHO WONT MAKE FUN OF MY CRUSH ON KACCHAN

NonbinaryBastard: GUYS I DID AN OOPSIES

NonbinaryBastard: I RAN INTO BAKUGO AND HE SAW MY PHONE SCREEN SOMEHOW AND STARTED YELLING ABOUT WHY I WAS TEXTING MIDORIYA

MochiCheeks: it’s giving jealousy

NonbinaryBastard: RUNNING FOR MY LIFE RN

NonbinaryBastard: MIDORIYA HELP

BigBakuSimp: suddenly I cannot see

BigBakuSimp: HOW DID HE KNOW IT WAS ME

NonbinaryBastard: I WAS LOOKING AT OUR PRIVATE DMS AND HE SAW THAT NOT THE GC DW

BigBakuSimp: IM STILL WORRYING

BigBakuSimp: LITERALLY THE LAST THING WE TALKED ABOUT WAS PITBULL IM SHITTING

NonbinaryBastard: HE KNOWS ABOUT MR WORLDWIDE OH NO

MochiCheeks: well while you two are having a crisis, I’m off the toilet

Yaomomo: I have stopped choking (:

TheNewBestie: and we’ve all gotta get back to training before Iida or Aizawa rips us a new one

Yaomomo: right, I’ll text you guys soon for updates!

MochiCheeks: talk to you guys later!

TheNewBestie: bye bitches

BigBakuSimp: SERO DONT BRING HIM OVER HERE

NonbinaryBastard: IF I GO DOWN IM TAKING YOU DOWN WITH ME

[regrettablewritings]

Modern!Jaskier x Reader Ship Meme

Prompts taken from this ship meme

Which one texts like a straight white boy?: Of course it would have to be our resident white boy. It isn’t even that he necessarily means to, there’s just an embarrassing amount of overlap between the messages a straight white boy tends to text, and those of your rising star boyfriend. You’d look more into it if it weren’t for the fact that you know there’s no actual malice in it, and because it’s just so sad that it’s funny. If one were to go into the photos saved on your phone, they would’ve surely come upon an entire album of screenshots you’d taken over the years, from when Jaskier would be on tour without you to when he’d just be resting at home while you were out at work. Things like: “Wat r u up to 2nit, cutie? ;)” “I’m probably just gonna play whatever’s on my Watch Later backlog on youtube until I conk out.” “Wild!!! anyway wat would u do if i was there rn~?” Or “Do u miss me? :(” “Of course I do ya dingus!” “Ok....Can we do a quickie over videochat?” “Jas i’m at the store.” “The point still stands.” Or “Watcha thinkin bout? ;)” “About how The Great Gatsby becoming public domain means there’s nothing stopping anyone from making a drag show interpretation called The Gay Dragsby.” “Aaww w/o me? ;)” “...” “WAIT NO I THOUGT YOU’D SAY YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT ME SHIT NO.” “BUT ACTUALLY DO GO ON IM KINDA INTERESTD.” If it were anybody else, you would’ve blocked them. But this wasn’t anybody else. It was your Jaskier: Your foolhardy, constantly horny, but never-short-of-loving Jaskier. And besides, not for nothing, at least they were something you could get a laugh out of.

Which one cried during a fucking Disney movie?: Once again, Jaskier is the guilty party. It’s no secret that he’s the more emotional of the two of you -- he wore his investment in Titanic with pride, after all. But it is a secret that the particular Disney movie to make him cry was Hercules of all things! Not Bambi, not The Lion King, not even Beauty and the Beast, but goddamn Hercules! (On another note, he also cried to Coco. But that barely counts: Literally everyone and their mother has cried during Coco. The only difference here was that Jaskier could relate to being a young man so in love with music while coming from a family that discouraged the pursuit of it.) This isn’t a knock on anyone who enjoys the movie, mind you, but let’s be honest: Out of the Disney animated canon, Hercules isn’t exactly the most . . . emotionally cathartic or heart-string-plucking of the bunch. But just because it didn’t go out of its way to create a crying frenzy doesn’t mean that it’s lacking in some humanity. It is, after all, still a Disney film. The problem is, Jaskier can’t even quite express why it made him cry the night you both decided to watch it. Maybe it had something to do with a young man most people took as a joke trying to achieve greatness? And to be fair, “Go the Distance (Reprise)” and “A Star is Born” differently when you’ve done some growing . . .

Who put a goddamned fork in the microwave?: It only happened once, but you’d never let him live it down. You like to joke that you’d left him to his own devices for just fifteen minutes so that you could take a shower -- of which was completely true -- and that was all he needed for things to go downhill. Nobody wants to think they’d be in the wrong for trusting a 20-something year-old to not be his usually somewhat distractable self. But that particular day, said 20-something year-old decided to occupy that little spot of time to himself with TV and a plate of leftovers. And normally this would’ve been fine and dandy. But normally, Jaskier would’ve just waited for the food to heat before searching for something to watch. It shouldn’t have been too big of an issue that it went the other way around that day, but apparently it was. As much as he wanted to (which honestly wasn’t by much), Jaskier just couldn’t tear his eyes away from the images flashing on the TV. The baby blues were set on the screen the entire while -- up until he heard a faint popping. Followed by a sound he normally only heard in a cheesy sci-fi movie. The problem was, he wasn’t watching anything even remotely science-fiction-y . . . All you were doing when you exited the bathroom was going to grab your lotion. That was literally all you had any expectations for. What you hadn’t expected to come upon was your boyfriend, hollering and diving over the sofa in order to scramble into the kitchen and stop that strange, not-good-sounding sound. Suffice to say, you had to put your shower on hold; it simply had to wait for you to finish fussing, then again for you to finish laughing your ass off. And again because if you entered the shower still laughing, you’d probably slip and break your head open and then Jaskier would have to deal with another possible emergency caused by himself.

Who does the silly hands-over-the-eyes “Guess who?” thing?: You can both be guilty of it, but Jaskier without a doubt does it more. Sometimes he’ll emerge from “his cave” (aka the little nook in the apartment where he likes to mess around and write lyrics or arrangements) on a break and catch an unsuspecting you sitting on the couch or at the dinner table. Other times, it could just be when he comes back from running some errands or doing a quick interview at the local radio station. You don’t mind it much . . . Especially since you can get a rise out of him by purposefully guessing the wrong person. (“Hmmm . . . Could it be . . . my mail-order husband? Boy, that was quick. And all the way from Russia, too . . .” “Uh, no.” “The milkman, finally accepting my invitation to commence a torrid love affair?” “Okay, you know damn well -- ” “Or better yet: My hopes and dreams have manifested, oh, Waluigi, could it really and truly be you!?” “What in the absolute fuck --”)

Who puts their cold hands/feet on their partner?: Because it’s usually himself who presents as being the more mischievous of the two, and because he tends to run the warmest, it always shocks Jaskier when you decide to play dirty and put your cold limbs all over him. Is it childish? Yes. But are his reactions to the sudden feeling of icy flesh hilarious? Also yes. You love to creep up on him when he’s tuning his guitar or scribbling down lyrics, or just minding his own damn business by trying to actually turn in relatively early for once. You love even more to watch him jolt and release the most high-pitched yip a man of his build could ever even joke about making. You’ll still be laughing about it as he scowls at you, cursing your “ghoul hands” and demanding to know if he’s dating a corpse at this point. Of course, no matter how peeved he might be, you can always count on one other thing from his dramatic reactions: Him huffily grabbing your hands into his own and rubbing them warm, or him forcing a park of fuzzy socks on your feet. And just for extra measure, you can be sure that he’ll spend the rest of the night holding you close or cuddling you -- “For exchanging bodily heat purposes,” he will always reason.

Who had that embarrassing reality TV marathon?: You both are guilty of it, actually. The question should really be, who is the least shameful about it. As with most things regarding a lack of shame, it was, of course, our dear Jaskier. Being a musician with a growing following, the little attention whore just can’t miss out on an opportunity to show himself off to his awaiting public. A rising star with relatability and a taste for trash? People eat that shit up! So you’ve learned to be less surprised every time he decides to liveblog himself watching things like Love Island or any of the 90-Day Fiancee spin-offs. In fact, in more recent times, you’ve come to join in with him, adding your own corresponding Tweets and commentary. Though don’t be too shocked once he starts holding polls and letting the public decide what show the two of you should watch next.

Who laughs more during sex?: You do, completely through Jaskier’s own efforts. Jaskier’s always had a pretty lax view of sex. This didn’t change when he met you, of course, but how he specifically portrayed that laxness did undergo some metamorphosis. Before, the entertainer was much more intent on his bedroom experiences being a display of power and an ability to please. Something dramatic and to be taken seriously. He still sees the importance of satisfaction in the bedroom, mind you, but with you, he can’t help but feel more . . . comfortable. With you, it’s a little more okay if he accidentally makes a dumb noise that in no way can be salvaged as sexy. With you, it’s a little more okay if he struggles to get his or your pants off, or if he struggles with removing your bra. And with you, he’s come to find that he’s a lot more okay with sharing a giggle or being a little more loose about things. It’s fine if your fingers tickle him or if he struggles to think of something proper dirty. But it’s even more fine if you think something he says or does makes you laugh, but not in a way that discredits his efforts. When you laugh, it shows that you’re comfortable with him. Comfortable enough to be with him, and be truly vulnerable. So do forgive him if he can’t help but run his fingers up your sides in a tickling fashion, or sloppily string together an innuendo. He simply loves how golden your laughter sounds, even in the throes of passion, intermingled with sweet whimpers and pleas of his name. How the heave of your chest and rippling of your tummy bumpily sync in with the rhythm of his thrusts . . . He just wants to see your smile, your genuine mirth, and bask in it with you. Besides, it serves as excellent song inspiration for him . . .

Who is the little spoon?: It depends on the sway of the day, really. As a whole, you both take turns without much thought simply because you tend to just fall into your positions. Some days, you just happen to lay into him in a way that makes you the little spoon. Other days, he conks out next to you in a manner that most could consider would make you the big spoon (or jet pack). Neither side really fights how it plays out unless one or the other may feel small and vulnerable, or just plain tired and in need of comfort. You often find yourself playing the role of the more dominating position during those first few days after Jaskier returning home from either a quick tour, or after finishing a long week of hours upon hours in the studio, or whatever kind of press-related nonsense his management team told him he needed to do. For as much as your boyfriend loved the spotlight, the truth was he was still quite capable of burning out and needing time to himself. Or, at the very least, just time with you. Even if that means he’s asleep for most of it, with you clinging to his back as he drifts off into a much-needed sleep. He makes sure to return it tenfold when you need just the same. Sure, your occupation may not be of the same nature as his own, but that didn’t mean you were in any less need of his cuddling. In fact, with him being gone as often as he was, Jaskier couldn’t help but feel almost guilty for not always being able to provide you with the basic comforts of being a constantly present boyfriend. Hence why the moment he would see your fatigued body crossing the threshold of your apartment, he would be all over you, ushering you into a quick shower, followed by a quick and simple dinner or snack, and capped off with him cuddling about you from behind. It didn’t matter if you’d come home right in the middle of a writing frenzy, or even if he’d been in the middle of searching for a breakthrough with an arrangement -- for as vain and bullheaded as Jaskier could be, he knew he owed you at least this much. You already put up with so much of his nonsense; this was quite literally the least he could do, both for you and for himself. Besides, he who was he to fight against the feeling of you wiggling closer into his hold, to deny himself the sound of your soft breathing as you lay yourself vulnerable to him? The fact of the matter is that he simply isn’t. He couldn’t be. Maybe in the beginning when things were still so unsteady and uncertain, but never now, when things had become so . . . well, what he could only describe as being “the both of you”. The both of you, molded and entwined, never wanting to let go. Never planning on it, either.

[just-sans-things]

yuh yuh its sansys rapping time

yuh yuh trapped in your mother's wine

im little sansy and im missing both my feet

im driving down da road and im eating all the conk creat

hiding in your shower, use me to get squeaky clean

i broke your grandmas urn and now im bouncing on your trampoline

yeah im a little stinker and that aint no lie

dont u fuck with me or u are fucking die