#im dying im upset im tired im lazy

[bambi-lesbian-posts]

Theoretically I can do this. I've written 2 page essays in an hour before, writing paragraphs in a short amount of time isn't a big problem for me, but the problem is I have to read at least the majority of a 2532 line narrative poem(?) and THEN write the paper and THEN write a 400 word discussion post and THEN answer like 10 reading questions but all I want to do is sleep for a few hours

[kyriaejiraiblog]

i feel like i’m dying so long vent wwwww

i have basically no plans for my future, and my dad is always upset about it, and i can’t even begin to explain why cutting feels so good, and that only makes him more upset and think im insane because i “don’t like pain,” and i “have had an extremely easy life,” and i ruined my entire senior year of high school, and im such a lost cause that i have almost no options anymore

but i can’t kill myself, because even if i wasn’t too pathetic to follow through, my dad said it’s the coward’s way out and i can’t let him win… i feel like im always losing, whether it be friends, money, any possible future…. i can’t lose to him too. i need to figure out how to get out of here. i need to leave. he says i have had everything easy, that because i haven’t gone hungry, have a roof over my head, have running water and electricity, that im lucky he has a high stable income because of how he’s suffered in the past… but he doesn’t know how hard it is to wake up every day.

he says i’m lazy, very smart but so lazy. but there’s a reason i have that depression diagnosis. i want to do so much, but i just don’t have the energy or drive to. i barely have the energy to draw, even for commissions or other people. he says i put so much effort into miku expo, and refuse to do anything for my future. what he doesn’t realize is how hard it was to even start styling that wig, how i bought a cosplay off of amazon 2 days before when i wanted to see one myself. he doesn’t realize that i did, in fact, forget that the concert was happening, until one of the friends i was going with texted me about it.

he says i need a boyfriend. that having one will make me happy. i want to date someone. i really do. but i have such a specific preference that i know it’ll never happen. and even if it does, i know that ill become so obsessive over them that ill drive myself further into a void. because its happened before. i wasn’t even dating him and i had texted and talked constantly. asked him if he loved me. threatened to kill myself if he left. shocker, he cut me off. he had his own issues as well, and i still hate him but that’s not the point. i hate him. despise him. i might kill him if im ever unfortunate enough to see him again.

another guy, i completely broke because i rejected him. we were friends for 3 years. that friendship disappeared in a day. i ghosted him, shunned him. i made an excuse of i wasn’t in the right mental place to date. i was cutting, yeah, but nothing excuses what i did. i tried to reconnect but everything i did made things worse. i’m only good for destroying connections.

another guy i met online, dm’ed him constantly. i always sent my darkest thoughts. 2 years ago, i almost landed him in prison because my dad assumed he was a pedophile. in reality, he only viewed me as someone who needed to escape. he even offered his mom’s phone number if i needed someone else to talk to. i regret everything i did to make him suffer.

i always break relationships. even now. the few people who put up with me are precious, but it always only feels like a matter of time before they leave. i’m surprised one of them didn’t leave the second i hurt him, accused him of talking shit about me (without proof, at that). i still love him dearly as a friend, and am happy i met them.

but look at me, what am i supposed to do? i’m useless. i break relationships. i break people. i destroy myself, and any possible future. i’m smart enough to realize that what i do is jeopardizing any potential success, and yet i choose self destruction anyway for a brief feeling of euphoria.

i want to be able to leave this house. i want to be free of whatever life my dad has planned. but im not sure i ever can. i wish i could live the life i constantly dream of. i wish i was a normal person. i’m so tired of everything.

[hopecountyisforlovers]

everything feels so pointless i just want to cry

[pbandjesse]

Welp I feel really depressed tonight. I had a horrible time at work and I just feel so low. I may put in my two weeks if the next couple days dont improve. Cause wow. I am just not having fun right now. 

It was another night of not great sleep. I woke up and tried to feel alright but it was hard. I had like an hour and a half this morning to do what I wanted. So I got washed and dressed and felt cute. James said I looked like an angel. And that felt nice at least. 

I had breakfast and played a little animal crossing. Finished making the other train station on the opposite side of the island. I still need to fix up the camp grounds a bit but I still had a fun time working on what I did. 

I got myself together and left at a better time so I wasnt as early. I walked over to the site and hoped for a good day. 

But it was kind of a mess. We had two new boys who were sweet to me but didnt mesh great with some of the others and it lead to a huge fight. And then they insisted on playing dodge ball which I was not a fan of but they still did. I had a substitute because Travis wasnt in. Which upset me only because I had told him I might not be in because I wasnt feeling great and then he didnt come in and also didnt say anything to me. So that kind of hurt my feelings. But at least the sub was nice. 

We did watch a movie today and I played chess with one of the little boys. We only had a half a board though so I modified it to make it work and he picked up on it fast. We also did some water color painting and it was fun. 

But there was a lot of trouble in that middle part of the day and I just felt so defeated. 

I couldnt wait for the end of the day to come. I did some more drawings for the kids to color for our garden. I tried to just clean up the room and make sure all the kids we had left were picked up. I tried to check in with parents as they picked up their kids. About changes in schedule and their classwork they need to do. So I could be better prepared for the staff meeting tonight. 

We finished up the day around 530 and I headed home. James finished up soon after I got back and went to pick us up burger king. And then I had my staff meeting. 

Which honestly just made me feel worse. I just felt like all the negatives were against me.  I was called an "aid" and not a teacher. Which whatever but if thats the case why am I putting in so much effort. But then I was told we dont put in enough effort and we've gotten lazy. But the truth is I am burnt out. I dont think I can do this anymore and I just feel like Im falling apart. We have one on one meeting next week and I might just have to say that Im not going to be able to keep this up after spring break and honestly that might be pushing it because I am just. Miserable. It sucks. Its not what I wanted at all. I just feel so unhappy and I hate it. 

I had DND to look forward too. And the couple hours we all hung out was actually really fun. It was just nice hearing from everyone what they think about their character and how we all met and came together. I was very tired though and it made it so I got a little confused a few times. But James will fill me in. My laptop started dying in the last 20 minutes so I went to sit with James so I could still be a part of the game. And got a couple spells in. It was a good time. 

But I still feel really down. And I really dont know what Im going to do. I hope I can actually sleep tonight. I hope you all can too. Have a good day tomorrow. 

[hxrryspotter]

.

[rainecloud020604]

below the cut is a bit of a long venty self reflection.. tw: sensitive topics, the specifics are in the tags

so with quartinteen going on i’ve had a lot of time to look at myself and my actions, i have a bad habit of over analyzing things and ripping them apart. including myself.

i’ve noticed that i keep a lot of things to myself to the point where its unhealthy, i dont tell people when im upset, i dont tell people that im hurt, i dont even tell my parents when i feel sick anymore unless i feel like im dying and need medicine and maybe a trip to the doctor. Im still scared to do that...

i get made fun of and mocked, told im overreacting when im sick or hurt by my parents. its really affected me, being told to walk it off cause im being a baby or im being a drama queen for attention i dont really want. its at the point where i have fallen into a habit of lying about my health, some days i feel like utter shit and i know it will show, i will tell some people, not my parents, my friends i talk to that day. it’s gotten to the point where i was ready to kill myself because my parents wouldnt listen and take me to a doctor after i could eat or drink anything for two weeks without immediately rushing to the bathroom, that was new years eve... i almost did, it took a lot to not do that, and i scared myself, i was scared to call a hotline, i was scared to move, go downstairs, speak, after i spent 30 minutes breaking down and begging my parents to take me to a doctor i was done with life and done with trying. This really affected me and shook me up for months, it was the first time in years i had ever thought about doing that, i felt horrible and miserable cause i scared a lot of people that night. 

my mental health is even worse than my physical health all the time, i normally wont talk about it when its bad unless someone asks, i’ve been brushed off so many times by my family i no longer have that confidence i used to. my dad for the longest of time told me my depression didnt exist until my doctor did, he told me i was lying for attention, he told me i didnt have anxiety, i didnt have anything wrong and i needed to shut up and pay attention, push through it and shut up. mental health issues were tabo around my parents for ages, when we got kicked out of our house and moved in with some friends my mental issues really showed through, this was around the time i joined tumblr, my parents would fight constantly and i fled here for safety, it was clear i had something wrong, all of my sibling do as well, my brother has anger issues and doesnt know how to cope with that, he tends to hit things and hit me when angry cause i pissed him off or was in his way, he’s 11 and three times my size. im 16. my sister has anxiety and depression as well, she always drags herself down and fakes a smile to everything, she cant handle being yelled at anymore. we all have faced abuse from my parents, and then moving into a super toxic and worse place for a year made everything worse, my parents stressed and fighting to the point where we would hide and cry cause it was so much. partially through that year i snapped at my best friends dad for being homophobic, racist and sexist, i said a few things and got suspended from my school while there was a sexual predator on the campus after my friends, he was never arrested and he tried to contact me recently because he was bored. i was broken for awhile but going to the magnet school i met some people who helped me. i made a new friend. that place that was toxic we left after they tried framing us for a bed bug issue and tried making us clean the entire house, and the guy who was my dads formal best friend called my mom a few nasty things and called us all lazy and ungrateful. i had a bike stolen during the move and they refused to give it back. we stayed in a hotel for a bit, i became everyones therapist for a few days, my brothers, sisters, moms and even my dads, i couldnt vent to anyone. we moved in with my grandma, my step grandpa turned out to be an abusive asshole and attacked my aunt and almost attacked my mom and grandma one night when we were going to bed, i had both my brother and sister in my room hiding and crying, i was comforting them and telling them the yelling would be over soon. 

my grandma had her ac detroyed, license plate stolen, other stuff stolen from her as well, i was scared to walk to school for a month and had to look at the door at all times. one day he randomly busted through the door and i broke down scared as hell because i was in line of sight and the first person he saw, and was in the same room as him. it took me awhile to recover from that. later on i started failing my classes, i couldnt keep up because my old school wasnt where they were, i was ahead but behind because my motivation slacked and i didnt want to be there, i started getting really sick, i went to try to see my guidance counselor one day because i was ready to break down at everything and i needed to talk to someone and possibly go home, i saw a different one, they recommended a mental health counselor and i start counseling sessions, when i checked out the nurse shamed me for not going to her and checking out. i walked home that day and cried. i started counseling sessions after that, i was still scared to speak about all of these issues, some weeks i didnt see her, others i did, the first day my ela teacher flipper her shit cause i was late that day to her class after i was at a counseling session for part of her class cause i needed to say things and speak. i lost the confidence to talk to me ela teacher after that. she would have issues with the fact that i couldnt speak loudly at times, part of the year she hated the fact that i drew in her class to focus, it took me twice explaining it before she would let me. later on that year she accused me of doing other classwork and make me hold up what i was drawing rather than walking over, i cried the rest of her class and had a panic attack in biology venting to a friend. my parents told me i was being dramatic after breaking down and explaining how my day went. i started to stop speaking up about my issues entirely to them. 

i’ve had issues when i am sick at school, i’ve gotten grounded for going home sick, after i was told i could call home, it was because the nurse said i looked tired, she also had told my dad that he knew me better than she did so she was unsure, he told me in the car i put the family to shame and made him look bad, took away my devices, left for work while i took a nap, i woke up still sick and felt even worse mentally, i forced myself to walk and finish up the rest of the school day. it took my mom yelling at my dad to get my devices back, he guilt tripped me after giving them back and i felt horrible for the weekend. 

my dad started saying i was faking being sick to skip school, keep in mind i have never skipped a day in my life and have always enjoyed going to school, he was just pissed off. my mental health was affecting my physical health, i wasnt able to see my mental health counselor for a month, when i needed to most. 

i started developing and eating disorder again, i started to only eat one meal a day, starve myself for existing, i’ve been fighting it for awhile, it decided to get worse, i am still fighting it. i am at a point where i can handle two meals a day again which is progress. 

when quartinteen started, that ment i was stuck at home, unable to focus on my classes anymore, and my counseling sessions were done in zoom, i wasnt ever in a safe place to openly speak. i tried pushing for therapy, my parents considered and agreed, they tried to figure something out and never got back to it. everything has gotten worse, not only in my head but the world around me...

keep in mind all this, happened in two years. most of the belittling and breaking me down however has gone on for most of my life.

i dont want sympathy, i want to get this off my damn chest, i dont want attention, i was this at hand so when i need to point at something that happened to me i have to reference to while im breaking down. im sorry about all this mess and wasting time typing this out and that right now isnt the time to hear me whine. 

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

[xurkitips]

On Conveying Personality Through Chatroom-style Dialogue

A friend of mine shared screenshots of a roleplay he was having via a Discord server, wherein the style was chatroom/texting based. Each character would have a different style of typing completely unique to their person. Though unfamiliar with all of them, I could see what their personalities were like

Like real human beings, a character very much so has a “voice”. I mean that both in the literal sense, through their manner of speaking and what they say, but also through their self expression, interests, and actions. This carries over into the digital realm in ways we may not even notice. Text messages may not be verbal, no, but there are ways to show inflection.

There are many, many ways to show meaning through text. Here are some that I’ve picked up and utilized with my own characters:

Sentence structure

all lowercase sentences VS Grammatically correct

Lowercase gives off the feeling of someone familiar with others or willing to become familiar. It lacks the tension of formal writing, complete with its capitalization and proper periods ending sentences, and feels very casual and approachable. It may also be a sign of someone who doesn’t care much about perfection, a lazy person, or an easy going individual. Seems like a lot of internet regulars prefer this kind of typing style.

“im dying

‘deafening horrorcore rap’ ok i listen to literal noise and idk what this even is”

Using a properly capitalized and punctuated style is very formal, like one would see in a book, an official email, etc. It’s more serious and stern than lowercase is and may imply an older, more mature person typing...or maybe just someone trapped on their phone at the mercy of autocorrect. 

"I am always happy to see you, even if you are not feeling your best.“

“It's nice here.

Quiet.”

There’s a certain respectful steadiness to it as well. It can be calming to read at times.

Punctuation VS Lack of punctuation

End-stopped lines come with both a pause and a bit of a pointed and direct feeling. It strengthens both lowercase and grammatically correct styles, but in different ways. In conjunction with “proper” writing, it’s less noticeable, merely giving the reader a moment’s pause. In conjunction with lowercase, especially if the one typing isn’t keen on using periods, it can come off as stern, serious, passive-aggressive, or angry.

“whatever.

it's less excruciating than it would be without it.”

Removal of punctuation is a different story. Typically just shown with lowercase, it leaves it with that casual feeling intact, or like one’s sentences are more like quick thoughts or questions. Removing them from grammatically correct sentences does ease off some of the tension, implying someone with a more neutral-positive tone while still being more mature. 

“I’m not terribly good with conversation”

And then there’s the run-on sentences from those who type small novels per response. Usually complete with multiple and’s. It’s a sign of nervousness, enthusiasm, or oftentimes a younger character...

“actually i don't know much about it i just happened to see something online and it's apparently only manufactured overseas exclusively for this one particular shop and they made the original design and initial product i guess”

Oof.

Proper spelling (or lack thereof)

The better the spelling, the more the likelihood of the person being older, calmer, or neutral. There’s also a sense of being well educated or careful about one’s typing. Perhaps a confident air may exude from what they say, too.

“Can you come help me for a moment?”

Those who make a lot of mistakes will simply confuse words for other words, forget apostrophes, or type too fast to notice things missing or in the wrong location. Some just don’t really care enough or are too tired to deal with it. Too much focus and people know what they mean anyway. Probably.

“i laug hso hard hes come runin

he thougt i aws dyin”

It can also happen in very emotional situations, in bouts of laughter, crying, rage, or when one is drowsy, medicated, or sick. It tends to stand out when one’s style is suddenly very, very different and tips others off to something being wrong.

Younger characters, especially kids, also make spelling mistakes all the time depending on their age, whether due to sounding out words or just in a hurry to reply.

Short sentence fragments, single words, and lengthy paragraphs

Sometimes people with rapid-fire thoughts, who are excited, busy, stressed, or angry, will take to quick and short responses (sometimes of many fragments in a row). These show a similar feeling as do lines of poetry. Stacking small fragments on top of one another adds emphasis. The reader has to read them one by one rather than as a straight sentence. On its own, the word or fragment stands out and becomes more important.

"well

yeah thats

what i was tryina do

but i mean”

I’ve seen it used used for storytelling from one person to another in larger chunks of things, quick responses, for poetic value, and in irritation or passive-aggressiveness.

In full sentence conversations sent in short bursts, it’s also allowing the reader pause to read each comment without it feeling like a novella. Though it can also feel like someone is obnoxious, rambling on and on as the notifications keep coming, or has a lot to talk about and keeps thinking of more.

Then there are those who type rather large responses all at once instead of hitting the enter key with every sentence:

"Whoever did it was quite thorough; either the power in that area of the lab was cut while we were distracted or they tampered with the security cameras, because that footage is missing. But, we have some theories now. It had to have been someone with direct access to the laboratory. I hesitate to place blame on any of my coworkers...they're all my trusted companions and friends! And yet...”

It’s concise and a solid, complete story in one spot. Could be someone who loves to talk, could be someone who didn’t want a response before they were done talking. It’s also commonly seen by middle-aged texters who want to say everything they can all at once.

Exclamation points and Question marks

Simple one here. Question mark for a question or confusion, exclamation point for emphasis or an exclamation. But when a person adds multiple to a sentence it can convey more of the person’s feelings; 

“are you okay??”

Here is someone who is very concerned. Multiple question marks can imply things such as worry, stress, disbelief, and shock. There’s a sense of hurry and tension. Perhaps the person on the other end is frightened, easily afraid, or tends to have an overwhelming reaction to things.

“oh!!! it’s nice to see you!!!”

"! 

!!! 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Meanwhile, multiple exclamation points convey much more friendlier, happier tones. Often such things as surprise, excitement, happiness, friendliness. Users typing !! as a punctuation (like I tend to do) may do it as an assurance or to show how thrilled they are to talk. Occasionally !!!! is tacked onto an angry statement to be more of a shout, but I see it less and less.

Chatspeak and Internet habits

Shortenings of words have been a regular thing for ages. It’s easy, convenient, and gets the point across quickly. But the internet has taken it to a new extreme, where sentences can be almost entirely compromised of them.

“wtf r u talkin abt?? gdi man idk wuts even happening rn”

A character wanting to be quick to respond, always on the ball, always involved, may be more likely to utilize and understand chatspeak. They’re the social butterfly of the group. It’s also a sign of a long-time internet lurker who’s aware of what the lingo is, and how to use it. A complete lack thereof points toward either an older user or someone who’s unused to social media.

The more memes, the harder someone is trying to fit in. Or maybe they’re easily amused or just absorbed things from their friends without thinking about it. The comedian of the group is going to know the best ways to use them.

Smilies and Emojis

:D D: :DDD // :3 3: >:3 :3c // :o :O O:<

These kinds of smilies have always struck me as the most friendly. Whether used in devious ways or with genuinely heartwarming intentions, the playful, lightheartedness of the user really shines through these. 

"not a bad way to spend a lazy day :D”

“it's also my birthday :3″

It’s got just the right vibe to punctuate a sentence that’ll leave the reader feeling that the person likely means no harm or wants to be friendly, positive, or encouraging. I’ve met a lot of people that use these and turn out to be very kind or considerate people.

:), ;), ((((: and related

A long time positive, friendly smiley. 

"You said you've known them a long time? I think they would understand. :)”

And yet these days I tend to associate it with passive aggressive statements, plotting, slyness, devious behavior, or anger. Older users may be inclined to use :) as a means to show their emotional state, but newer users seem more inclined to do the opposite. The more parentheses there are, the more upset the person, it seems.

“man don’t u love it when the power’s out in the middle of the night it’s just (((: really great thanks (((((:”

Then the ;) smiley comes off more specifically flirty and a bit playful. Doesn’t seem to change much there.

“if i find a good chance 2 hook u up ill do my best ;)”

XD

The bane of my teenage existence. It’s a more old school sign of laughter, rarely seen in today’s world due to falling out of favor and becoming associated with, “LOL Rawr XD Tacos I’m So Randoom,” culture. But time to time you do see it. Mostly with sarcasm but sometimes with genuine intentions.

“xDddddDDD

It was a good joke. XD”

A character using it genuinely comes off more playful, and to me, personally, as an older person who’s genuinely unaware of the associations with the smiley itself trying to show how they laughed without using LOL. 

Letter/Character smilies

Y’know, things like .w. and ._. or owo, where the letters or symbols make a face. These are fairly popular, it seems. I don’t like using them myself, but know a few who do use them.

"I'm sorry that they can be mean qmq”

It’s a different feel from the others. There’s something soft to it, almost a gentleness. When these or Japanese characters are used, there’s more whimsy. It’s cute and almost a bit feminine. It may convey an open person or give the impression that said person is easier to talk to.

Though honestly I can’t see uwu and owo as anything but heavily sarcastic. I’ll be honest with you.

Emojis

The first rule of Xurkitips club is that we don’t talk about Emoji Movie. Just putting that out there riiight now.

Used sparingly by most for fun and for emphasis. Characters may use them to be lighthearted, aesthetically, joke, or to make a conversation more flavorful. The use of emojis may determine a character’s personality; I find that characters who use hand emojis like 👌 are rather laid back, those who use 🙃 do it passive aggressively, and we all know what kind of person uses 🍆.

Then there’s what in common terms known as, “The DudeBro”:

[MFKNSTARBOI]: the thing i never undstood about hair is why people buy shampoo like regular soap not good enough for you LMAO 😂😂😂

[gostones]: .

[BIGDICKTOYOTA69]: what the fuck man

[ahogekun]: do... you not use shampoo

[MFKNSTARBOI]: aaaah you guys got sucked into big shampoo as well 😔

[MFKNSTARBOI]: When it comes to horses 🐎  the stars in the sky ✨ or just man to man no bullshit advice 👬 IM youre guy 😤😂

I think this one speaks for itself.

[undinefin]

Love Post (fuck you guys)

ok! SO! since some people decided to show me up and do extra long paragraphs and make me a friggin playlist, obviously I had to do something too!!!  this is going to be a long post, so there is heavy scrolling involved. I'm sorry.

also, i'd like to apologize to the people that i wasn't able to write stories for, be it I haven't known you enough, or im just a horrible friend (im sorry ood i will write u all the sanic fanfic) im really really sorry!!! 

tbh you dont even have to read the stories if you dont want to??

PLEASE READ THIS: this is the authors note where i essentially justify the mess (or messes if you decide to read all of them) that you are about to lay ya eyes on. i wrote most of these in a non-lucid state, fuelled only by anger and lack of sleep. they aren't the most amazing things. akire, you have another note before yours bc reasons. also im on the computer there will be no emojis sorry im lazy

the story order goes!: Boo CP Fath Nom Kiki Akire ^^ roughly based on story length. 

first however, i'm gonna get other mutuals their love posts!!!

@fooderaser​ : Ch!! The gc misses you so much aahhh i haven't talked to you in so long :(((( i'm sorry i didn't write you a story, and honestly the whole "haven't talked to you enough" is a poor excuse but really, if and when you're available i'll write you all the stories!!! you are so kind, and whenever we are blessed by your presence in the gc it's so nice! you bring this energy in that's so refreshing, and i've seen that post!! You're so beautiful!! I hope to be able to talk to you more! <3 

@sambashua​: Mir, I haven't known you for a long time, but you seem really nice!! I'm glad i have another friend to yell about Haikyuu!! with. SEEAASON FOUR BETTER COME OUT AND WHEN IT DOES WE SHALL Y E L L. im also glad to be a fellow cheermander, and will continue to work on the fy-charmander blog! hope we can talk more!!

@coralinfluencershark​: AUD MY DOD WHO HAS A GREAT BOD (i just thought of that today are you proud) i love you sosososoossoososos much words cant even describe it. again, i'm sorry i didnt write you the sanic x peach x dobby fanfic that i know you are dying to read. YOU ARE SO SWEET AND NICE AND CARE ABOUT ISSUES AND ITS GREAT and you are a lil strange (please, if you have to, BUY a verbal filter) but you are very loved. i love spending time with you, and you never fail to make me laugh. you'RE SO COOL ADN YOU CAN SKATE and are so much smarter than you think you are. im excited for bnha season 3, so on that note, i leave you with this (i sent it to u but idk if u watched it)

@juliaplatinumerr: JU CHAAAAN !!! i love you a lot a lot we have known each other for so long and thANK YOU for still keeping in contact with me it's honestly so magical. IM SORRY I DIDNT WRITE YOU ANYTHING I HAVE NO GOOD EXCUSE i can only offer my presence (aka we should hang out sometime??) and i might go back to japan so if u want anything hmu!! really you're so nice, and reliable, and i love that i can still talk to you and help you!! really really, I love you a lot!!

alrighty now we can move onto the stories!!! i'm so sorry this is a mess. love you all. btw the love paragraphs are arguably gonna be shorter...maybe.

Truthfully, I had no idea where I was going with any of these, and the writing is mediocre at best (because I know I can do better but…haahhhh) so yeah. If anything think of them as like….random little scenarios that I wrote up in which I am not-so-discreetly complimenting y’all in about 1000-2000 words. I don’t think there’s any romance??? Like if there is its like pure n shit but im still not the most comfortable with writing self insert also age! Anyways, apologies in advance. I wasn’t lucid during the making of any of these.

paragraphs look so fugly in tumblr oml.

@caramelmacch1ato​: BOOOOOOO!!! I actually love you sosos much i cant even start to describe it. You're so sweet and so smart wtf please teach me. i love reading your goodnight posts that i think you've sent nearly every night??? thats impressive damn. YOU ARE IMPRESSIVE I AM IMPRESSED BY YOU. i hope you enjoy the story i have no idea whats happening. love youuu <333

Remember

Boo had been to tons of concerts before, she’d been lucky enough to even get Meet n’ Greet tickets for Day6, where she met her bias Jae. He was funny, and strange, but also beautiful and amazing. There were still so many groups she wanted to see live, like Seventeen and Astro, but when Day6 was hosting their second live in America, she was definitely going.

Getting tickets was always a hassle, and even if Day6 didn’t have 4 billion followers (though they deserved it) you had to be clicking ‘check out’ the second the tickets were released to get Fansign tickers. Though, Boo always managed to pull through.

Fast forward about three weeks and Boo was once again lining up with a large poster board outside of the Day6 concert venue. It was a little chilly, as they were performing in February, but it was a birthday gift for Boo, so the cold didn’t bother her too much.

The anticipation killed her, “I Wait,” yeah, she sure as hell did. It took another fifteen minutes for the venue to dim, and the five members of Day6 ran onstage. Screams filled the theatre, and they didn’t stop for the next two hours. Boo’s Korean had improved since the last concert, and during the times where they would MC, she was able to pick up some words. 

Her poster was a light-up one, with nine pictures of the Day6 members, and a neon title spelling out “According to this mood board, how are you feeling today?” During one of their songs, she could have sworn Jae pointed at it and laughed. 

Jae had easily captured her heart, and he played a large part as to why Day6 was her bias group. He was funny, attractive, and had a beautiful voice. The fact that he spoke English was also helpful, in that she could sometimes understand him (“sometimes” because let’s face it, half of what he said was meme garbage).

The boys were doing a game section, in which they had to name their songs by the intro music as fast as they could. Whoever got the most right would draw from a lottery, and the lucky person would come up on stage to receive a prize. YoungK was winning, with Jae at a close second. Dowoon was surprisingly third, and Wonpil and Sungjin were tied for last place.

Familiar music filled the room, and the fans were shouting out the answers arguably faster than any of the boys. Jae hit his buzzer. “그렇더라고요!” he shouted eagerly. With this he was tied with Younghyun. “Or, When You Love Someone,” he followed up, remembering that the audience was English.

“I LOVE YOU JAE,” Boo screamed, her voice was hoarse from the fanchants, and general shouting, but she wasn’t fazed. Some other fans in the audience added on, and Jae bore a proud look. YoungK rolled his eyes but laughed, and Dowoon mumbled something about how he should’ve guessed that, since those were his drums.

Boo, able to pick up his worry due to her knowledge and proximity to the stage followed up with a, “YOU’RE PERFECT DOWOON.” Dowoon perked up, and others also shouted words of encouragement to him, as well as the other members.

The concert slipped away all too soon, and many were upset that their time with Day6 was over. The Hi-touch ticket holders went to give the members a quick high-five before leaving, practically worshipping their hands.

Boo got in line for the Jae Meet n’ Greet, which was very long. She was one of the last people to join, and the other lines were beginning to fill up as well. Boo watched the other people meet the members, some cried, others laughed, and a few even gave them gifts! The MyDays were very respectful though, and Boo was proud to be a part of them.

The minutes ticked by, and her poster felt heavier by the second. Boo checked her makeup to ensure she didn’t look like a total wreck. Jumping up and down, and singing along to songs was a lot more work than it seemed. Her makeup looked clean though, and there was one zit that she couldn’t cover up, but she could hide it with her hair.

“Hi there!” Jae smiled. Boo smiled back shyly, as always, he was even more beautiful in person! His smile was radiant, and despite how tired he was from performing, his face still looked energetic, like a puppy. “I’m number eight by the way,” he mentioned.

“Number eight?” Boo repeated, confused. 

Jae pointed to her poster, “Yeah on your mood board! Feeling totally pumped today, I also look especially fabulous in that photo! But number two, Sungjin eating…. that’s a close one.”

Boo laughed, “I think I’m also eight. Seeing you guys really gets me excited, I love your music a lot.”

Jae grinned, “That’s good, but I’m the main reason, right? My looks are so attractive that it compelled you to buy a ticket! 

“Of course,” Boo agreed jokingly.

“That laugh…you’re the ‘Okie Dokie Artichokie’ girl, aren’t you? I say it all the time to piss off Brian, he says I say it stupidly.”

Jae remembered her laugh, Jae remembered her.

“That’s because you do!” YoungK hissed. The girl that was meeting with him laughed as well.

Jae pulled his face into a strange expression, with his eyes looking upwards and a frown upon his lips. “OkIE doKiE, ArticHOkie,” he jested. His voice sounded like Goofy from Mickey Mouse, and Jae couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the end. He added finger guns that pointed at Boo.

“I’m proud,” Boo wiped an invisible tear from her eye.

“You should be, how have I never known this before?” Jae agreed seriously.

“Such ignorance for a wonderful phrase, I’m glad I was at least able to teach it to you, even though it was late.”

“As your follower in the religion of mood boards, and random phrases, I appreciate the important lesson.” The two of them continued back and forth, as their scenario grew more and more outrageous. It was when aliens were brought into the conversation that the two broke out into laughter.

 “That was fun, you’re fun,” Jae exclaimed. “You’re funny too, and nice! An ideal Myday, but most importantly, you stan me! Which makes you the most ideal Kpop fan of all!”

“Well…you are my ultimate bias,” Boo admitted.

“ULTIMATE!?” Jae guffawed. He turned to Younghyun, “Hear that? I’m her ultimate bias.” Jae bore a proud look on his face. He turned back to Boo, “Well, I’m just so handsome and talented that it’d be hard not to have me as an ultimate bias! Though everyone is starting to appreciate the other members’ individual looks, which is nice. Your looks could rival even mine!”

Boo blushed at that. As much as Jae joked(?) about how godly his face was, no one could actually deny it. He was very attractive after all, and being compared to that by the man himself, Boo was half certain she was dreaming.

“Thank you, I tried hard for you tonight,” Boo smiled.

“Ah see, that’s a killer smile right there. The makings of an idol! All you have to do now is learn some Korean and it’ll be smooth sailing from there. With all your charisma and caring-ness, the companies will be fighting over you!” Jae gleamed at her.

Jae noticed the time was ticking by, and the other girls in line were still waiting. “Alright Ms. Artichokie, is there a better name I can call you?”

“Boo.”

Jae grinned and held out his hand. “Alright Boo, I hope you come to lots of concerts, and if you DO sign under a label be sure to tell me,” he winked at her, “Till then, I’ll remember you, Boo.”

@howcaniwait: CP overlord, you are truly the glue that sticks this mess of a gc together. i love you so much its actually so overwhelming for ma lil heart. you are so sweet, and you have evolved so much!! to love kpop!!!!! you're so beautiful thoSE EYEBROWS MAN and you're so easy to talk to and get along with and wE LIKE P!ATD YAAY. really you're actually one of the smartest people i know and i know sometimes it gets overwhelming but you're so smart i know you are!! again, i hope the story does some justice??? its kinda lame but whATEVER

Five Minutes 

The chances that you’d meet someone famous were quite slim, and it seemed that if you were a fan of said celebrity, the chances would be even slimmer. Taken that CP didn’t live in a largely visited country for artists, to even perform in, her chances were slimmer.

But CP loved the artists that she did nonetheless. Maybe a year ago she was wary of them, and she even made fun of the people that liked them! But slowly, very slowly, she began to have a change of heart. Day6 was something different compared to the other ones she had heard of at the time. Their music was magic, and the people who made that music were beyond skilled. She fell in love with them fast, and the one who caught her eye was none other than Kang Younghyun.

He had remained her ultimate bias for a year of Kpop adventures, which involved spending a lot of time online staring at pretty boys singing, dancing, and talking. Despite all the amazing idols she had seen, nothing could top her love for YoungK of Day6.

“You hear that CP?” A hand waved in front of her face. Kiki and L were sitting in front of her, at a restaurant in Korea Town. “They don’t have any more Bibimbap,” Kiki recapped. After tons and tons of pestering from her friends, and saving up, as well as a generous Christmas gift, CP was able to meet her friends in the place where YoungK had studied, Toronto.

“Ah, then I’ll have the….” CP quickly looked at the menu, “Tteok-bokki.” It was the cheapest option.

The three had energetic conversations about Kpop stars, as all avid fans of the music. It ranged from trying to discern the song that was playing in the restaurant, to showing Kiki various images in hopes that her alter ego would come out.

“Stop!” Kiki whined, the last picture of Bambam was starting to push her off the edge.

L nodded, “Yeah, please stop we don’t need that in this nice restaurant.”

“I can’t help it! You guys are the ones showing me the images!” Kiki argued.

“In this Good Christian Restaurant?” CP ignored her friend. “Control yourself,” she gave Kiki a stern look, despite being the one showing her the images. Kiki mumbled something under her breath.

The food in the restaurant was good, and CP thought that the Tteok-bokki was actually pretty delicious. Half way through the meal L sighed loudly.

“The damn subways are closed, I have to take the bus home. I hate taking the bus,” she informed the others. Kiki laughed, she could walk home from their location. CP was getting picked up by her parents, so it wasn’t a big deal for her too. “I’m probably going to have to leave early.”

The plan was that they’d eat, then go to a Kpop store with a good stock of albums. After another fifteen minutes, L apologized before setting down some money for her portion of the meal and then leaving to catch the bus. 

“That sucks,” Kiki sighed. “We can still go though, that’s fine, right?” CP nodded. They finished paying and then left for the store. The remaining snow on the ground was mostly slush, and even though the sun was out, a chill still remained in the air. CP was glad she wore her boots.

The store clerks greeted them nicely, and Kiki showed her to the Day6 section of the store, before going to buy another album to add to her collection. With the remaining $25, CP decided to buy Daydream.

“Maybe I should buy a BTR album in Toronto too…” CP wondered aloud, purposely saying it so that Kiki could hear 

Kiki’s enraged expression was hardly fake, “Don’t you dare mention that name within my sanctuary of Kpop albums!”

CP laughed, “It was a joke, a joke.” Kiki grumbled, unconvinced. The two of them left the store, that they admittedly spent far too long in. Kiki managed to find a poster of an Astro member, and the searching alone took around ten minutes.

“You want me to wait with you?” Kiki asked.

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” she assured her friend. Kiki lingered for a bit, before the cold air started getting to her. She said her goodbye, and promised to meet again.

CP had around five minutes until her parents would pick her up, those five minutes would possibly be the most fantastical five minutes of her life thus far. It started with her taking out her new Day6 album, because damnit they didn’t put their music on any platforms. CP quickly cracked it open, curious to see her photo card. She wouldn’t risk opening it anymore, lest she drop it in the slush. A picture of Wonpil staring into the camera at the beach was inside. She took it out to admire the photo. Even if he wasn’t her bias, CP was a good Kpop stan who appreciated all the members.

CP looked up for the briefest moment. She noticed someone rather tall, asking various people for something. Though, through the bustle of the streets no one seemed to stop and reply to him. CP looked closer, there was something so painfully familiar about him, and maybe it was the shock, or the sunglasses, but CP couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

“Excuse me, miss?” the man had come up to her. He had a slight accent, but his words were still clear. 

“Oh! Yes?” CP responded, somewhat startled.

The man sighed, “Finally. Do you have any toonies, or tokens? The subway is closed down, and I need to take the bus. It’s been a while…I’m still not completely familiar with this section of Toronto. 

CP didn’t say anything, but rummaged through a bag she had brought. She was still racking her brain, trying to think of who it was. But…it couldn’t be him. There was no way, this would have to be some shitty story that was written to the ideals of mere humans.

She handed him a token that her mother had given her just in case. “Thank you, you’re very kind,” he smiled at her.

CP knew that smile, almost as much as she knew the music that it went with. “You…you’re YoungK, right?”

Younghyun hummed. Normally he’d deny it, not cause a fuss, because even if people didn’t know you, they’d still try to take pictures just so they could say ‘I met YoungK.’ But something felt different, maybe it was her kindness, or the Wonpil picture she held between her fingers, or just a feeling, but something was different.

“I am,” he smiled again. He saw her face light up. Contrasting to all the dreary slush, and grey air, her smile and eyes were shining brightly. Her eyes were soft, but still looking at him in awe, and her smile was beautiful, big, and loving. “Would you like a signature?” Younghyun offered.

CP opened her mouth, though nothing audible came out. Instead she nodded, and held out the new album. Her heart was beating faster than it ever had before. Thousands of thoughts, questions, and horrible conversation starters were floundering around her head, but none of them were spoken. 

“Thank you,” she finally said. “Thank you so much. You…your music, your voice, everything is so amazing! You know I wasn’t a huge fan of Kpop, but I listened to you guys, and it was like a whole new sky had opened up for me.” Her voice was filled with amazement, as if she was singing praises, she practically was. CP was thoroughly grateful.

YoungK handed back the album. “Thank you,” his voice was firm. “Thank you for supporting us. Day6 would be nothing without our fans. I would just be a guy with a nice voice. You’ve given us something amazing, more than any of us could comprehend.” His eyes focused on her. “I’m glad that our fans are kind ones like you, and I’m glad I was able to change your heart. Can I call you something?”

CP was still in shock that the Kang Younghyun was talking to her, was complimenting her! “Uh…I’m known as Charlie by my friends…” she mumbled.

“Okay, Charlie, maybe we’ll meet again. Thank you so much!” he began to back away.

CP quickly sprung to action. “Wait!” she called. “Could I…could I get a picture? Is that okay? 

YoungK laughed, “Sure. Really, you’re so considerate, even just asking for a picture.”

Five minutes. It had been five minutes, and her parents pulled up. CP was still going through the scenario in her head over and over again. She had met YoungK.

Just as Younghyun had met Charlie.

@lollipopp3725: FATTHHHH!!!!!! oh gods when you were added to the chat and i found out we couLD YELL ABOUT UTAITE AND HAIKYUU you saw me i was literally having a breakdown i was so happy. so thank you for putting up with all my rants about them! you're so sweet!! i loved the story you wrote, jesus that angst man. you're so nice, and so energetic aND YOUR PUNS ARE TOP QUALITY. good puns, you could call them...aJUN nice. i know you had like a few other people that you heavily biased but here's jun!

Hugs 

Fath was growing a little impatient.

Weeks ago, somehow, miraculously, she had been able to buy a Seventeen album from a store and her parents were not aware of exactly what she had purchased. Fath knew that Seventeen was in Singapore for a tour, but when she opened her album to find a ballot to the fansign, she almost had a heart attack.

Fath knew that having one ballot was nothing, and there was nearly no chance of her getting into the event, but she couldn’t risk buying the album again. Even so, Fath filled out the ballot, because “nearly no chance” was better than no chance at all. Despite that, she still had little faith in the ballot. People would buy ten albums, twenty, or even fifty just to get into the fansign. It was a groundless dream.

So, when Fath received the news that she was accepted into the fansign, she went into shock for a good few minutes before muffling her cries into a pillow. Fath’s heart wouldn’t calm down – she swore it was working harder than when she did physical activity – and she kicked at the air, trying to contain her excitement.

There was only one problem now. Her parents.

They weren’t fans of music to begin with, finding it distracting, especially what they classified as “teenager music.” Kpop was worse. They disregarded anything Kpop, and Fath had remained a closeted fan in the presence of her parents.

The most Fath could do was tell them she was going out with a friend, and hope they wouldn’t question her too much. If they asked why there was a strange bulk in her bag, maybe she could say it was a book and hope they weren’t suspicious. Fath thought herself an okay liar, so she could get by. The fansign shouldn’t take more than an hour after all.

Fath only got a few, “When will you be back” and “Tell us if anything changes” before getting the approval to go out. She texted a friend to tell them about the plan, just in case her parents asked about it later.

The location of the fansign was a little far out, but it would only be a half our train ride, then a short walk. There were only a few delays on the train, which in turn resulted in an extra ten minute ride, but Fath still had around fifteen minutes before the fansign started. The air was crisp, and the sky was especially clear. Fath quickened her pace.

The building was one of the smaller ones on the block, only going up to about three stories high. The e-mail said to go downstairs, and the staff members would help guide you to the fansign location.

Fath luckily only took one wrong turn, and was quickly redirected into the proper room. About a hundred other girls were there, all bustling with excitement. It was loud, and everyone seemed to be talking to everyone. Before Fath could join into any conversation of “who’s your bias,” or “which album do you like best,” a middle-aged man stood at the front to gather everyone’s attention.

“Alright everyone, please listen carefully,” the feedback from the microphone whined, sending out a sound a little too high for humans to comprehend, but low enough just to pierce their eardrums. The man apologized, and proceeded to explain how the fansign would work.

Essentially, after Seventeen answered questions from the post-it notes, everyone would line up under who they had slotted, and they’d have a short time to chat, only about a minute. The members would sign a poster, and you could give gifts. The fansign wasn’t too strict, despite the band being Seventeen.

And that brought Fath to the present, where she was getting impatient. She had the Jun fansign slot, and was currently waiting in line to meet him. She was fine with that; the waiting was fine. What was annoying her was that she had been waiting for nearly forty minutes, and Fath was finally at the front of the line, but the girl in front of her was taking a long time. They were only supposed to have a minute when the fansign part started, but Fath was certain this girl had been clinging to Jun for nearly two minutes now. She was the last person in line, and a lot of the other lines were almost done too.

There was a sudden cry. Fath turned to see a burst of water sailing through the air. A pipe had sprung loose in the building, and the girls near it, as well as Dino were getting sprayed with water.

Chaos ensued. The water was getting more intense, as other breaks in the pipes were slowly forming. Both the fans, staff members, and Seventeen hastily ran away from the scene. After a few moments of ensuring no one was hurt, the middle-aged man stood up again.

“The fansign is now closed. We’re sorry for the inconvenience, but this is both the allocated time of closing, and considering the problem, we have to close it down anyways. If you were unable to receive the posters, please pick them up at the front,” he announced.

Most of the girls didn’t mind, they had already met with one of the members. Fath however, did mind. She didn’t care about the posters (well she did but not as much as) she cared about meeting Jun. In the crowd, she couldn’t even see him. Like the other members, he was probably already being escorted away.

Fath felt like screaming, or crying. Either were fine. She thought that maybe, just maybe she’d be able to meet her bias. She’d be able to talk to them. But it was ruined because what? A broken pipe and some insensitive girl who took too long. It was unfair. Fath was the last girl in line to talk to Jun. It was frustrating if anything, but a small part of her said “What do you expect?” All that risk with her parents for nothing.

Most of the girls had already left the room, trying to avoid the growing puddle of water. Fath followed, trudging along, when someone tapped her shoulder.

Truthfully, Fath wasn’t in the mood to talk to someone. She wanted to grab her poster and go, but the voice that spoke certainly wasn’t a fan.

“You are…l…last?” 

The voice was too deep to be a girl’s, and the accent and broken English was all Fath needed to turn around to see who was talking to her.

It was Jun. He turned around to face Vernon, who mouthed him something else. “I am…sorry,” he said robotically. Fath felt like crying again, but for another reason. Jun was talking to her, Jun wanted to speak to her.

“Thank you,” she breathed.

Jun smiled at the recognizable words, “You’re welcome.” He stared a while, seeming to be thinking before opening his mouth again. “You like…something? Hand?” Jun held out his hand low enough to be a handshake, but high enough to go for a high five.

Fath noticed the other members walking out another exit. “Thank you so much! You probably have to go but…can I have a hug?”

“Hug?”

Fath felt awkward, he wasn’t too clear on what a hug was. “You…you know…arms around each other,” she lifted her arms as if pretending to go into the hug. Jun nodded and made a sound before raising his arm and hugging Fath.

It was a good hug. Jun was warm, which made Fath feel warm, and protected too. Jun lingred in the position, staying as they were for just a bit longer. Fath lightly rested her head against him, mumbling another thank you. The idol looked at her and smiled. His smile was cute, beautiful. Fath could’ve melted right then and there.

Jun pulled away, giving Fath one last smile before leaving. Maybe she didn’t officially have her fansign, but who cares because she just got to hug Jun.

@achuu-nice: nomiTH NOM NOOMMOFSNDK! i love you. you are the bestest mom i could think of anD YOU ARE SO SO SWEET!!! MUCH CARE!!! thank you for also suffering through the haikyuu angst fic, come to me and yell when you are done. no but seriously you are so nice and kind and even though i am the hype woman u give me lots of hype. so nice. I HOPE YOU ENJOY JEONGHAN. i loveeee you!!!

I’m sorry, this got out of hand

~A magical world in which nom and hannie can understand each other~

Angel

Nom was always the mother of the group. She was responsible, and always cared for her friends, regardless of whether they were actually younger than her or not. It fit, Nom the mom, Mom, and she truly loved all those dubbed as her children. But other than her name, what was it exactly that attracted people to her mom-ness? As well, would Nom ever know how it feels to be mommed? Truly, such questions were ones that could hardly ever be answered.

It was one fateful day, Nom was innocently listening to Teen, Age as she walked to buy more bird feed. Flower was booming in her earbuds, and when Jeonghan’s voice came on at exactly 2:42, she completely forgot her surroundings.

The bike came out of nowhere. She could hardly hear the bike bell over the sound of the music. She looked up to see the bike speeding towards her, and the person riding it screaming something. 

It happened in an instant. Nom’s vision went fuzzy, and an incessant ringing was going off in her ears. There was a bright light, and then a warm voice.

Nom…

The voice was soft, and Nom could have sworn there was a slight echo to it. The voice was not clear, was she unconscious?

Nom…wake up…

It sounded very familiar…but something was different. If it was really that voice, then there would be an accent, and that was even assuming he could speak English. But this voice…it spoke in perfect English with practically no accent. The white light was still there, and Nom was fairly certain she was still awake.

Open your eyes…child…

Child? Did the voice call her child? When was she ever the child? Nom tried to “open her eyes,” but nothing changed. Her eyes were definitely open, and for whatever reason nothing actually hurt, despite being hit by the bike. Speaking of which, was not there. Where was the bike? Nom looked down, where was the road? She was in some strange white plane, with mist floating around everywhere. 

Nom opened her mouth, seeing if she could at least talk, “My…my eyes are open. Maybe you could turn down the brightness?” Her suggestion was earnest. A soft Oh could be heard and slowly the bright light disappeared, leaving what Nom could only describe as an angel.

He had beautiful feathers, they were sleek but still fluffy that were folded to covered his body. Some of them protruded from the main structure of the wings, and others had fallen to his feet. The wings encircled his body, and a halo of light rested lightly above his long, light brown hair.

With a flurry of feathers, the angel unfurled his wings to reveal his full body. The hair was pulled into a loose braid that ended just past his shoulders. His skin was smooth, so perfect that Nom was nearly convinced what she was seeing was an actual angel. He was clad in a loose white button-up shirt, with the last two buttons not done up, and fitted black jeans. He wore white running shoes of a brand that Nom didn’t recognize, and a silver bracelet.

“Jeonghan?” Nom said hesitantly.

‘Jeonghan’ smiled at her, “So you know my name, I’m glad.” His smile seemed to literally glow.

Gathering her thoughts and courage, Nom began to ask her questions, “Are you really him? There’s no way, right? Hannie speaks Korean, he lives in Korea, in fact, if you are him you should be in Korea now.” 

“Well…I suppose I am him? But not at the same time, it can be complicated. Simply put, think of me as like an astral projection of your Jeonghan, though you aren’t physically meeting, this plane and circumstance has allowed our minds to connect. Should you ever meet for real, both of you would remember this meeting and each other,” the angel Jeonghan replied.

Nom cocked her head to the side, “Circumstance? Oh…Oh yeah! Wasn’t I like, hit by a bike? Am I unconscious? Aren’t you just a figment of my imagination?” Though, if he was, Nom gave her imagination a large pat on the back, because Angel Jeonghan was masterfully thought up.

A bittersweet expression crossed Jeonghan’s face, “I’m sure you’re wondering about the wings.”

“I am.” 

“Well…like I said, this plane that is invisible to normal humans is what is allowing us to meet. The wings and halo are uh…part of the job I suppose,” Jeonghan started. “Do you believe in guardian angels, Nom?”

Nom thought, “I suppose they’d be nice, but I don’t really pray to my guardian angel or anything like that." 

“Well, I’m your guardian angel!” Jeonghan exclaimed. He seemed very excited, and his wings flapped, emulating his emotions. A few feathers around his feet flew up from the sudden wind.

Nom could only stare, gaping. A small laugh escaped her, though she quickly apologized.

“I suppose that’s hard to believe, after all, there are many other instances in which I could have saved you,” Jeonghan reached out to ruffle her hair. “The truth is, certain qualifications have to be met, if everyone was being saved by their guardian angel, the world would be thrown off balance, would it not?”

“Sorry, I’m still trying to wrap my head around that fact that Jeonghan is my guardian angel. I mean…I suppose him being an angel isn’t that far off but…my angel?” Nom felt truly blessed, and if this was her imagination, it was both the best and cruelest scenario it could think up.

“I really am! And you…you far exceed the qualifications needed. I’m actually the guardian angel for many people, I represent…well aside from all the major religious stuff, generally caring about others, and being a good person,” Jeonghan finished. Nom could believe that. Jeonghan was certainly caring, and he loved his members a lot. He enjoyed helping them and listening to their problems.

“So I had to be…a good mom?” Nom asked.

Jeonghan laughed, maybe it was the whole angelic thing, but it truly sounded like a bell. “You could call it that. Nom you are more than kind. You care so much for your friends, and take the time to talk to them.”

“Wait you can see the stuff I do!?” Nom’s voice was anxious.

Jeonghan grinned, “Only the stuff relevant to the whole angel thing.” Nom let out a sigh of relief. “You’re sweet, and are so nice to your friends, and try to stay mature when needed. And speaking from Jeonghan the Kpop Star, you’re a wonderful fan! You appreciate the members, and respect other fans. Truly, it’s your acts of kindness and being so sweet that allowed me to help you!”

“Oh! So you brought me to this plane because…I wouldn’t be hurt by the bike?” 

“Exactly!” Jeonghan reached out to pat her on the head. “Would you like a hug? I’m very good at hugging people.”

Nom nodded, and leaned into the angel. It was warm, and a loose feather tickled her nose. Jeonghan hummed happily. “I think our time is up. I’ll do my best to watch over you, as your angel.”

@maetaamong: oghetjdfkv kiki i actually love you so much there aren't any words. gahh you picked me up at swim and was the one that allowed me to meet everyone here, and for that i am so grateful. you're so fun to be around and you cARE so much and i love you for that. thank you for putting up with my idiocy, and thank you for teaching me all~~ about kpop. i'll work hard!! i believe in your situations and i really love you sososo much !!! FIGHTING!!!

Urs are the only universe in which you personally know the idol bc u are a spoiled brat love u also somehow u can understand each other??? You probably learned Korean or smt. U like…can choose if ya in a relationship or just friends idc man there’s no kissy kissy so . also u are older

Loud

“Kiki! Look! Look at this one!” The tall boy happily bounced towards the blonde, with a book in hand. The cover was two shades of blue, and obnoxious text that looked like it was an early 2007 meme. The title was Does God Ever Speak Through Cats? and Minhyuk seemed very excited about this question.

“I know it sounds stupid, but! He brings up some really good points? Don’t you think Bay acts strangely sometimes? It has to be the work of God!” he declared, which earned a few nasty stares from other patrons.

Kiki sighed and apologized to the startled customers, “Min, you do realize we are at a public library, and you’re being very loud?”

Minhyuk’s face fell, and he pouted innocently, “Sorry…should we go somewhere else?” His voice sounded remorseful, and even though he was taller than Kiki, she resisted the urge to pat him on the head. She could practically see the dog ears flapping over in guilt.

“It’s fine, you just have to be quiet. I just want to find a good book,” Kiki said softly.

“Okay, sorry, I know how much you like to read. Whatever you buy, I’ll pay,” he offered.

Kiki turned to him, with an incredulous look on her face, “Min, this is the public library. I have a library card, there’s no need for you to pay.”

Minhyuk, slightly annoyed by this fact, just mumbled in response and went back to browse the shelves for another strange book. He wasn’t a huge fan of reading, finding that he definitely didn’t have enough patience for it, and that reading words off a page simply weren’t exciting enough for him 

Though, the boy’s moodiness disappeared almost completely when he wordlessly handed Kiki another book. Teach Your Wife to be a Widow was a rather old looking book.

Kiki couldn’t hold back her laughter, “Is…is this supposed to be romantic or threatening? Calling me your wife…that’s sweet but this certainly isn’t how I thought it would go.”

Minhyuk giggled in response, “It’s both!” Another “shhh” was directed at him, to which he hastily apologized and trailed after Kiki, who disappeared into the ‘Fantasy’ section. She skimmed through the books, thumbing the spines of the ones that interested her from purely the title and art.

She had read a few of them, some didn’t catch her interest, while others had storylines far too similar to books already done. A book caught her eye. It had a bright blue cover, with the words Shatter Me written in blue and white font. Kiki pulled it out of the shelf. The cover had an eye on it. That was a good sign. Books with eyes on them usually had some cool theme going on. A quick skim of the summery told her that it was indeed a dystopian novel – her favourite genre – and that people had powers.

“What’s that? You gonna get it?” Minhyuk appeared out of nowhere. Kiki decided not to mention that even without him literally shouting out a stupid statement, his voice was still loud.

“Might,” she replied. Minhyuk sighed loudly, and finally one of the workers came up to him and asked him politely to “shut up or get out.” Minhyuk placed a hand over his mouth and actually kept this there as Kiki signed out the book. The pair could’ve sworn that people breathed a sigh of relief as they left the library.

As soon as they stepped out Minhyuk’s loud voice returned, “When we get to your room, I can be as loud as I want, right?”

“Of course,” Kiki laughed. Her apartment was a few blocks away from the library, both of which were on a beautiful promenade. They arrived at her apartment, which was a simple red brick building with white highlights around the windows, and a black roof. They climbed up three flights of stairs and walked to her room. 

Kiki set down her keys and took off her shoes. “Want anything to drink?”

Minhyuk didn’t skip a beat, “Green tea please. I’ll put on the water.” He filled up the kettle with water and waited for it to heat up. Kiki decided to drink some too, and took out a tea pot. 

“Are we really gonna read? On my precious day off?” Minhyuk whined. Kiki wanted to say that it was him just poking fun at her, but she knew very well that he wasn’t too excited.

“Only a bit, then we can do something more interesting. Maybe you’ll like the story.”

“Unlikely.”

“Aww c’mon it won’t be that bad. Just the first few pages. Really, thank you for spending your ‘precious day off’ with me– geez that expression, you’re so cute. I promise reading isn’t the only thing we’ll do.”

Minhyuk couldn’t hold back a smile, “Thanks for letting me spend it with you. You’re nice, and fun, and caring. But I wish you would stop calling me cute. I’m not cute!”

Kiki stared at his flustered face, “I beg to differ.” The kettle began to whistle and they each poured themselves a cup of tea.

They spent the first twenty pages just sitting next to each other on Kiki’s bed. “You’re going too fast,” Minhyuk would say. Kiki would wait after finishing a page for Minhyuk to nod. After a while Minhyuk started to complain about how the position hurt his neck, and his posture was bad.

“Well, how should we sit?” Kiki asked. Minhyuk had a devilish grin on his face, and grabbed Kiki by her waist. She shrieked from the sudden contact, and Minhyuk pulled her into him. He bended his legs and Kiki was now sitting in front of him, between his legs. Minhyuk’s back was warm, and his arms were unconsciously-consciously wrapped around the girl.

“Won’t this hurt your neck more?”

“I’m taller than you so it’s fine.” Kiki decided to let him do what he wanted.

Another few minutes passed before Minhyuk spoke up again, “This girl is stupid.”

“Annoying,” Kiki agreed. “And this guy they’ve brought in…he’s just supposed to be the guard. I mean it’s kind of cute?”

“He’s too moody, too stiff,” Minhyuk said into Kiki’s ear. “He should be more like me." 

“Well they are in a prison,” Kiki pointed out. Minhyuk only clicked his tongue in response. Bored, he reached over to turn on her fairy lights.

Another thirty pages passed, and the love triangle of the story finally started to show up. Though the second contestant seemed a lot less desirable. “You know…” Minhyuk said for the first time in a while. “Even though we’re reading, it’s kind of fun I guess.”

“See, I knew you’d like it!" 

“No, it’s not the book. The book kinda sucks.” Kiki’s face slightly fell, but she had to agree. “Your presence is nice. It’s calming. We could be doing anything and I think I’d still like it,” Minhyuk mumbled. Kiki noticed his cheeks flushing and his head was turned away. 

Minhyuk finally met Kiki’s eye, “Cuz it’s you.”

Cuddle

Kiki was lonely. Cuddle-horny as she called it. Desperate for some attention, she relayed this feeling to her group chat, though they responded predictably.

GO AWAY KIEr

YOU'VE HAD MORE BOYFRIENDS THAN I WILL IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

awww kiki if I could id comfort youuuuu

S I N G L E C L U B

Sighing, her hand hovered over another contact, but Kiki quickly dismissed the idea. Hoon would be busy with his work. She couldn’t trouble him just because she wanted a good hug. Letting out a long sigh, Kiki threw herself against her bed.

Ten minutes went by, to the girl, ten long minutes of no human comfort. Damn French Guy. Her phone buzzed, a part of her thought it was the group chat, lamenting over their forever-single state but the name ‘Hoon’ was on the notification.

Want to come over? Got the afternoon off bc yoon got sick and now we can’t focus on learning the new song.

Kiki didn’t waste a second replying, throwing on a jacket, and booting it to Hoon’s house. She arrived soon enough and was greeted by an enthusiastic Haute. Kiki gladly gave him all the belly rubs, and Hoon soon appeared. He wore a loose white shirt with a random logo on it, and black sweatpants.

“Glad you could make it,” he walked closer to pick up Haute.

“Me too,” Kiki mumbled under her breath. “Got…any plans?”

Hoon scratched the back of his neck, “Ah not really. I was just thinking we could hang out, catch up. I’ve been busy, we haven’t seen each other in a while.”

Kiki grinned, “That’s perfectly fine.” She could use the conversation, the human contact. “Can we just sit on the couch or something?”

Hoon grabbed some drinks and Kiki sat on the couch, putting the TV to a random channel that they wouldn’t watch anyways. Hoon sat next to her.

“Is Yoon okay? What happened?” Kiki asked.

Hoon took a sip of his drink before answering. “He got laryngitis. We tried to go over the music, but he really wasn’t feeling well so he went home for the rest of the day. We got let off too because none of us could focus.”

“Is he resting here?”

“Nope, I meant home, home. He’s with his parents. They got pretty worried and asked if he could come home for a bit. I think they also didn’t want me to catch it too,” Hoon replied.

Kiki nodded, “That makes sense. It would be super unfortunate if you both got it.”

The two found themselves inching closer until Kiki was leaning into Hoon’s broad chest, and Hoon had nearly all of his limbs wrapped around her. Kiki found that they were breathing in sync and even though no words were said, it was still so engaging.

They conversed through contact, and a few hums here and there. Hoon was warm, and his hold on Kiki was tight. Kiki buried her face into the crook of his neck, feeling as if she could fall asleep. Haute came to join them, wedging into a space between their stomachs.

Cuddling with Hoon really felt nice, his limbs, while lanky, were perfect for wrapping around Kiki. He was considerate if something felt uncomfortable, and every so often they’d whisper about something, and he’d laugh. His laugh lit up his entire face, and his smile was permanently stuck. It was a quiet laugh, but somehow his entire body would jerk with every little sound.

Hoon felt the same way, because Kiki became really happy when they cuddled. She’d snuggle close and trace little patterns on the nearest available surface. In all of her beauty she seemed so at peace, and so graceful just in his arms like this. 

“Thank you.”  

@red-dyed-sarumane: A K IR E SENPAI! im sorry if this is sudden, but! i couldn't leave you out, and i definitely didn't live vicariously through your story and that ISNT the reason why it's the longest nope haahhaahhhaha. really, thank you for putting up with me and my rants or whatever, and letting me talk to you a ton! i'm glad i was also able to meet so many new utaites. ageyuki hell here i comeeee. you're so kind and explain lots of things in detail which i appreciate. i hope we're able to talk even more in the new year! thank you so much. 

If u don't understand some of the jap (tho u are vv smort so I bet u will) or if I made mistakes (bc I definitely did fuCK particles man) pls tell me. Also I used ur mom sorrrryyyyy. AGAIN I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS JUST RELISH IN THE FACT THAT U SAW MAFFU

Concert 

It was agreed upon the international Utaite fans that they suffered. Just barely grasping onto the blessed, but few, translators of their twitters, videos, and songs. Paying more for shipping than the actual product, and looking desperately into screens, unable to see their true face. Concerts were a dream, because going to Japan at the right time, and even buying a ticket would be difficult. Few people had the money, time, or permission to do it. Livestreams were almost never when they were awake, and even if they were, it’s not like there were subs to explain anything.

The salvation were the compilations the singers did of their concerts, with blurred out faces and some clips of them singing on stage as the audience held out their light sticks. Many tried to learn at least a little bit of Japanese, but they talked quite fast, and a few (*coughs* mafu) didn’t annunciate properly.

They were fighters really, being a fan for a long time, willing to burn holes through their pocket just to get an album, and loving the Utaites, even if they didn’t understand most of what was going on.

“You don’t know what they’re saying!”

“You’ve never seen their face!”

The fans heard those kinds of phrases far too often. It irked them, because music was so much more than the words, and pretty faces didn’t mean you couldn’t appreciate their abilities.

Akire was one such fan. She was smart, and worked hard to understand even a little bit of what the Utaite’s were saying. And, if there was anything worse than being a fan of an Utaite, it was being a fan of multiple Utaite. It was album after album being released, and live and live happening, and all the international fans could do was watch and wish.

It was one fateful day, when her mother, and told Akire the news.

“Well, it’s been a while since we’ve traveled, and I’ve been wanting to see the cherry blossoms in bloom for a while now!” she said through the phone. “So, we’re going to Japan! You like those Jpop guys, right?” Akire resisted the urge to correct her. “If there’s any concerts that are cheap, why not try to get tickets?”

Akire thought her heart would stop right there. They were going to Japan. She’d be surrounded by the culture of which so many things she treasured came from. Her mom would let her go to a concert. SHE COULD GO TO A CONCERT. Akire hastily opened Twitter and checked for any news of a concert over the spring break.

Yukimi and @gain were still relatively new and low key, so there was no word of a concert from them. Sou was working on an album, though no lives were being planned during the time. XYZ was having concerts, but they were just after Akire would be in Japan.

Akire would feel so unfulfilled if she didn’t go to a single Utaite concert when she had the opportunity. She scrolled mindlessly through Twitter, hoping that maybe someone would be hosting something she could attend.

A notification popped up. Akire clicked on it, half expecting the stupid ‘in case you missed it’ thing that Twitter did. It was from Mafumafu, and Akire didn’t even have to open the tweet fully to see the mass of exclamation marks.

It only took a quick skim to realize that Mafumafu was hosting a live. Akire quickly opened up the picture to check the dates. The 2nd of March, and the 7th, 12th, and 15th.

Fumbling to open her phone, Akire quickly texted her mother, When do we get to Japan?

Six painful minutes went by before her phone buzzed. She checked it the instant the screen lit up. Night of the 12th.

Akire checked the information again, she could make the last show! Crap, when did the tickets go on sale. She combed through the characters of Mafu’s tweet, trying to pick out the relevant ones, though there were still some she didn’t know. A quick Google Translate confirmed that tickets indeed went on sale at 8 o’clock a.m. Japan time. Which was, with the help of Google once again, in twelve minutes.  

Practically throwing her laptop across her room, Akire went to fetch her wallet which was left in a coat pocket. She sent a text explaining the tickets to her mom, and hopped she could read through the typos.

Dashing back upstairs, Akire clicked on the link provided. It took her to a website in complete Japanese. Akire just barely navigated through it, and occasionally had to look up various details, because business kanji was definitely not her forte. She was old enough to go alone (and she hopped her parents agreed with her because she was going to this live) and the tickets were at a mere 4500¥, which was around $40 US.

Praying to the Wifi Gods, Akire paid as fast as she could, she didn't even have time to check where the seats were, other information could be researched later. All that mattered was getting the tickets before they sold out or something.

And then Akire breathed, because she was going to see Mafumafu live.

~~~

In the previous month Akire had practiced Japanese much more intensely. Though the show would likely consist of mostly music, he would still MC a lot, and she wanted to understand as much as possible.

The venue wasn’t the biggest (it seemed they saved big venues for AtR concerts) but it still held around 2,000 seats and from what Akire could see, it was full. Her seat was relatively close to the stage, maybe six or so rows back.

Akire was excited; seeing Mafumafu live, she would see his face! The entire experience seemed surreal, and her appearance stood out a lot compared to the other fans. But her appearance didn’t matter when the lights went down and vibrant music started to play. Akire knew this song like the back of her hand, of course he’d sing すーぱーぬこになりたいfirst.

Some of the people had actually memorized his little spiel at the beginning, and said it to speed, which Akire found very impressive. Some artists sounded strange live, because their voice in a microphone was different compared to a studio, with mixing done. Though Mafumafu certainly couldn’t replicate any of the heavily engineered parts of his songs, somehow his voice sounded better live. It was clear, and there was raw emotion within his voice. The high notes were so much more intense, and just seeing the music come out of his mouth was amazing. 

He wore white cat ears, but simple black jeans and a loose sweater. After the song ended, Mafu quickly introduced himself, “はあいまふまふですー！じゃみんなさん！楽しみにして？” The crowd cheered in response. “みんなさんも歌ってよ！僕が嬉しいになって！”

ドラマツルギー began to play, and Mafu said something a little too fast for Akire to pick up. She got the feeling it was something about “wanting to sing this song, but never recorded it.”

The night felt like a blur, the light sticks that bounced in front of her, with the stage lights going crazy especially during 罰ゲーム and ゴーストルール. The show was only two hours, but it felt like a long, blissful eternity. The music that always remained through the screen, orin her ears was finally live. It was finally there.

Akire could see his face, his full face. Even with all the live-action videos, or the strange DVD’s he released, seeing him like this felt it was the definite proof that Mafumafu wasn’t just some singer on the internet. He was real, and he was talented. His voice shook the theatre, even when covering the softer songs on an acoustic guitar, like いかないで or 水彩銀河のクロニクル somehow his voice just enveloped the theatre.

It felt like a dream. Mafu bounced around the stage, and answered a few questions from Twitter. Akire could make out most of the details.

“What inspired you to start singing?”

“At the time, there were just so many talented people online. They were singing and people really liked them. Soraru-san and many others were uploading at the time, and I enjoyed music. I guess I wanted to be a part of that.”

“What time do you wake up in the morning?”

“Well it depends, sometimes it's a good time like 8:00, but sometimes it’s super early like 6:00 – I THINK 6:00 IS EARLY, YOU GUYS ARE WEIRD – or sometimes it’s late like 12:00.”

“Where do you live?”

“Within my dreams.”

“What do you think about love?” 

“This question is kind of deep…don’t you think? I mean, there’s familial love, and I love my family a lot. To think they’d support me having this kind of job, it’s really amazing. And I love my friends, Amatsuki-kun, and Soraru-san, and Luz-kun, Urata-san, and Sakatan too. They’re precious. Of course, I love you guys as well! There would be no Mafumafu without you guys. Thank you so much for being here, for liking my voice and music enough to see me live! Please continue to support me!”

A staff member off to the side laughed, and encouraged the audience to ask about romantic love. Akire joined in the chant of “恋！教えて！恋！” in which Mafu only replied with a finger over his lips and cuing the next song.

Mafumafu ran through a few more songs before announcing the next one would be the final one. The music to ねこがまるくなったcame on, and it was undoubtedly the most energetic performance of the night. Mafumafu starting and ending with a cat song, how classic. Akire sang along, knowing every word, maybe not hitting every note perfectly but still doing her best.

The confetti at the end showered the audience, and Akire found that she was smack in the center of its trajectory. Accepting that she’d be pulling pieces of paper out of her hair later on, she cheered as Mafumafu thanked everyone for coming, and exited the stage. Akire thought she was dreaming, that this was something her mind had made up because she so desperately wanted to see this singer in real life. Though, the free pin that she was given on the way out, signed by Mafumafu himself, seemed to solidify the experience.

She had seen Mafumafu live.

alllright~~ this motherload of a post is FINALLY done i should've worked on school projects during this time but fuck that who carES (i care) 

honestly, thank you guys so much! i cant believe that I was able to meet all of you, it's really been a ride. i hope you found the story/stories amusing!! i'm sorry for any typos, incorrect facts or anything seemingly out of character(?? u guys arent characters) but hopefully no hard feeling are taken. 

I hope next year will be even better!

with love,

L 

P.S. honestly fuck you guys i cant believe i actually wrote all of this

[superemeralds]

sonic forces review

EDIT: added day after thoughts under read more

Hey nyall! Time to review forces!

First, a broad, spoiler free, review. Under the cut will be a more in depth review containing spoilers for both, the main game AND episode shadow.

Please note that this is from the perspective of someone with adhd. I can’t tell how some of the things that peeved me would affect neurotypicals.

General info:

There is an easy and a hard mode. (hard mode is just normal mode “for ppl who played sonic before”) It took me 7 hours and 44 minutes to complete the entire game including episode shadow. Granted, I took quite a few breaks for breathers and shitpostingly liveblogging me playing the game on a discord server + I think I’m just bad at the game.

There are over 30 levels to play, of which a few did repeat and you just play with a different character, but it was still fun!

The hub map got increasingly confusing and hard to navigate and i really hate it now that i completed it because there’s too much happening at once on the screen.

Game play:

There was a Classic Sonic, Modern Sonic and Custom Character type game play.

I personally do not enjoy Classic Sonic game play but it was very well playable once I remembered I could use the arrow key pad instead of the left joystick.

Modern Sonic was often too fast in platforming sections and the absence of drift made sharp curves in 3D areas hard to handle, mainly when you activated boost (as the game intends you to). But it was very fun and refreshing to be able to boost again.

The Custom Character could use different wispons to do progress in the game. This is probably what has the most replay factor, as you can go back to levels using different wispons to clear new paths that you were previously unable to go through. The wispon use can be kinda sloppy at times, but once you get used to it it can be very fun.

The tag team game play was sloppy. It was never clear which character you are playing as right now (until later I realized you are playing both at the very same time ? I think? i am still confused).

Visuals:

The lighting in the cutscenes and levels often comes short and can even ruin the atmosphere at times. A lack of detail in some scenes undermines this. 

The characters are not as expressive as they could be, but there are some iconic expressions to spot throughout the game.

Sometimes camera angles shift weirdly or zoom out too much (some times the character even blends in with the stage and you don’t see it at all anymore when you are in movement) and you lose track of your character and most probably fall off the stage or get hurt. Sometimes there is also a little too much going on in the background.

On the contrary, the game had also tried to pull quite a few visually stunning shots and lighting in both levels and cutscenes.

It is overall still better than previous games because it has more heart and life in it and I hold it dear.

Overall feelings about the game:

The game had mostly been very fun! There was a lot of variety between stages and the wispons gave the gameplay a very fresh kick.

Some stages were frustrating because the character was too fast/very hardly visible for the platforming and I ended up dying a lot in the same spot. 

Not to say too much about the story, but Classic Sonic was pure fanservice and was not important to the plot whatsoever and the game would’ve done very well without him.

Character development was pretty absent.

The pacing of the game in general was very sloppy and almost even uncomfortably fast (rushed) and bland.

Most of the levels were very short to a point where you’d expect there to be multiple acts of it because you refuse to accept that this was already the end of it.

The story had some strong points, though, and the music was absolutely phenomenal, like always, BUT the music was not as recognizable as it was in previous games. I played the final boss only a very few hours ago and i cannot remember the tune to it at all.

The game had a lot of potential but it was executed rather sloppily than exceptionally.

All in all this game gets a 7/10 for effort from me.

because im very generous and i still had fun and was hyped and enjoyed it despite all the annoying parts. I mean i am also 06fucker69

Longer and more in depth review including spoilers under the cut

!!!! WARNING SPOILERS START HERE !!!!

I will try to stay in chronological order, but that is the first thing that is kinda peeving me in this game. 

(warning i quickly grew tired and couldn't write anymore but i forced myself to finish)

The time skips and flashbacks are inconsistent and have a harsh transition. For example the 6 months between Sonic’s defeat and the recruitment of the Rookie is just white text on a black screen that isn’t even narrated. Sometimes the time between perspectives is very disorted and you forget about Classic and Tails while you are busy with another mission that is forced upon you thanks to the linear 1 perspective story.

I would’ve had a 3 perspective story, with 3 story modes. Each story mode would explore the same story from the different perspectives like in SADX, SA2, heroes and Sonic the hedgehog 2006. (mostly 06 though)

The stages were perfectly arranged and build to be incorporated into a 3 perspective story. Classic might have had more time for character development and relevance. Also more, mostly consistent, time with him would make us more attached and feel actual emotions about his parting in the very end.

The idea of having Mania connect with forces like that and have a “reason” for Classic to appear is good, but Classic just arrives and is there. For not reason at all besides the sake of being there in order to please 2d/classic enthusiast fans. Great concept in theory, sloppily executed though.

Modern Sonic

The game play was very sloppy as Sonic just could fall off the stage and you just had a very huge lack of control of his speed. Mostly when you were in boost in a place that intended you to boost. The absence of drift was very unnerving.

The thing about Sonic being imprisonment was just. so..... unrealistically done. Sonic just came out of the cage and he’s been doing just fine. But he’s gotta be down, because couldn’t run. He absolutely hates being stuck in a place and it’s been SIX FUCKING MONTHS. The bars are also so far apart he can just slip out. Also Sonic can easily break out of prison.

This was not the first time he was imprisoned. In SA2 he had a far greater emotional response, and he broke out the moment he knew what he had to do to make things right. (He volunteered to be imprisoned in SA2, in forces he was forced in prison.)

This is not just out of character for him, but also very lazy writing. The time skip between was badly done, in a black screen with text. No context as to why Silver is suddenly here (if you didn’t read the comic you have no idea whats going on) or how the resistance formed.

Everyone thinks Sonic died, Knuckles is very upset and admits he cant get used to him being gone; and suddenly he gets the news that Sonic is fine and it doesn't trigger any emotional response in him. Or anyone really much besides Amy; who had refused to believe he died in the first place.

He just immediately goes on a mission and fights Infinite.

Tag Team

It was a very good idea to incorporate this mechanic and was mainly well done and fun; the double and triple boost was a nice lil kick off to regular gameplay.

As mentioned was it never clear who you are playing right now and it didn’t warn you about swiches. It could’ve been done better with the heroes mechanics of swicharound. There were more than enough characters to have multiple teams that could be playable.

Avatar

The custimization options aren’t spectacular, but that was not to be expected. I was positively surprised to have the option to chose between 3 voices. 

Villains

Chaos is. Just there. He wasn't even a boss. He was just there for the shock value/fan service.

The Metal Sonic fight was okay.

Zavok was annoying but okay and reasonable.

Shadow wasn’t even a bossfight he was also just shock-factor. He joined the team but was of very little value. (Except for DLC, will talk abt later.)

Infinite has 4 boss fights. And in the end he just vanishes. He’s basically still existent? I think? what happened? Are we just going to accept this?

The final boss was lame and not memorable at all. At least nega wisp phase 2 was iconic.

Infinite

Infinite is a very interesting character with much potential, which they sadly didn't really use much at all except for him being extra. He didn't show off much of his personality and we couldn't learn to appreciate/hate him. 

The game doesn't mention much about his origin, so you will have to read the online comic in the social medias to understand. This might be good marketing to get consumers to consume media on different platforms, but it does not make much sense for newcomers who know nothing about Sonic and don’t follow the social medias to begin with.

Someone who just picked up the game and it’s their first Sonic game.... They won't understand shit.

I want to see more of him. He got so much potential to grow and ultimately redeem himself. Maybe in a future game? Or in the comics at least.

Episode Shadow

The 3 levels were well. One time it was a sonic level but with shadow and some lil things changed. The other was a custom character level but with shadow. The other was just generic 2d platforming with cubes. None of these were long or new. It was fun, sure, but it wasn't exciting.

I was kinda peeved that even though infinite was revealed, we still didnt get to see his face.

Visuals

Lighting harsh, sometimes interesting, but not completely fleshed out/good/atmospheric. 

There are scenes/levels that have stunning visuals (the sonic level in space and the scene with the sun.) even when its not perfect.

Just. The characters sometimes float above the ground and the lighting is very white and harsh and not atmospheric. (The colors are meessed up and too bright. The characters look like they have a completely different light source from the environment)

EDIT: A DAY AFTER ADDITIONS

okay so a day after, replaying some stages, I still think the game is very fun.

There are quite a few things that are peeving me still. I just remembered the whole null space thing, which is totally wasted potential. You could’ve had a few levels in that space with fucky gravity and weird cube shit going, but you just had to double boost out and that was it.

Many tricks the villain packs out are treated as something they can oercome easily and they just. Win “because they always do”.

I want to see the heroes doubt themselves and have character development. The only character that does have character development at all is the custom character. Infinite arguably does undergo some development too; in episode shadow.

There is a lot of potentials for DLCs and I hope they release them and have more characters playable.

[vesku56]

“So, I’m a Liberal.” - Written by Lori Gallagher Witt

“An open letter to friends and family who are shocked to discover I’m a liberal... I've always been a liberal, but that doesn't mean what a lot of you apparently think it does.

Let's break it down, shall we? Because quite frankly, I'm getting a little tired of being told what I believe and what I stand for. Spoiler alert: Not every liberal is the same, though the majority of liberals I know think along roughly these same lines:

1. I believe a country should take care of its weakest members. A country cannot call itself civilized when its children, disabled, sick, and elderly are neglected. Period.

2. I believe healthcare is a right, not a privilege. Somehow that's interpreted as "I believe Obamacare is the end-all, be-all." This is not the case. I'm fully aware that the ACA has problems, that a national healthcare system would require everyone to chip in, and that it's impossible to create one that is devoid of flaws, but I have yet to hear an argument against it that makes "let people die because they can't afford healthcare" a better alternative. I believe healthcare should be far cheaper than it is, and that everyone should have access to it. And no, I'm not opposed to paying higher taxes in the name of making that happen.

3. I believe education should be affordable and accessible to everyone. It doesn't necessarily have to be free (though it works in other countries so I'm mystified as to why it can't work in the US), but at the end of the day, there is no excuse for students graduating college saddled with five- or six-figure debt.

4. I don't believe your money should be taken from you and given to people who don't want to work. I have literally never encountered anyone who believes this. Ever. I just have a massive moral problem with a society where a handful of people can possess the majority of the wealth while there are people literally starving to death, freezing to death, or dying because they can't afford to go to the doctor. Fair wages, lower housing costs, universal healthcare, affordable education, and the wealthy actually paying their share would go a long way toward alleviating this. Somehow believing that makes me a communist.

5. I don't throw around "I'm willing to pay higher taxes" lightly. If I'm suggesting something that involves paying more, well, it's because I'm fine with paying my share as long as it's actually going to something besides lining corporate pockets or bombing other countries while Americans die without healthcare.

6. I believe companies should be required to pay their employees a decent, livable wage. Somehow this is always interpreted as me wanting burger flippers to be able to afford a penthouse apartment and a Mercedes. What it actually means is that no one should have to work three full-time jobs just to keep their head above water.

Restaurant servers should not have to rely on tips, multibillion-dollar companies should not have employees on food stamps, workers shouldn't have to work themselves into the ground just to barely make ends meet, and minimum wage should be enough for someone to work 40 hours and live.

7. I am not anti-Christian. I have no desire to stop Christians from being Christians, to close churches, to ban the Bible, to forbid prayer in school, etc. All I ask is that Christians recognize *my* right to live according to *my* beliefs. When I get pissed off that a politician is trying to legislate Scripture into law, I'm not "offended by Christianity" -- I'm offended that you're trying to force me to live by your religion's rules. You know how you get really upset at the thought of Muslims imposing Sharia law on you? That's how others feel about Christians trying to impose biblical law on them. Be a Christian. Do your thing. Just don't force it on everyone else.

8. I don't believe LGBT people should have more rights than you. I just believe they should have the *same* rights as you.

9. I don't believe illegal immigrants should come to America and have the world at their feet, especially since THIS ISN'T WHAT THEY DO (spoiler: undocumented immigrants are ineligible for all those programs they're supposed to be abusing, and if they're "stealing" your job it's because your employer is hiring illegally). I'm not opposed to deporting people who are here illegally, but I believe there are far more humane ways to handle undocumented immigration than our current practices (i.e., detaining children, splitting up families, ending DACA, etc).

10. I don't believe the government should regulate everything, but since greed is such a driving force in our country, we NEED regulations to prevent cut corners, environmental destruction, tainted food/water, unsafe materials in consumable goods or medical equipment, etc.

It's not that I want the government's hands in everything -- I just don't trust people trying to make money to ensure that their products/practices/etc. are actually SAFE. Is the government devoid of shadiness? Of course not. But with those regulations in place, consumers have recourse if they're harmed and companies are liable for medical bills, environmental cleanup, etc. Just kind of seems like common sense when the alternative to government regulation is letting companies bring their bottom line into the equation.

11. I believe our current administration is fascist. Not because I dislike them or because I can’t get over an election, but because I've spent too many years reading and learning about the Third Reich to miss the similarities. Not because any administration I dislike must be Nazis, but because things are actually mirroring authoritarian and fascist regimes of the past.

12. I believe the systemic racism and misogyny in our society is much worse than many people think, and desperately needs to be addressed. Which means those with privilege -- white, straight, male, economic, etc. -- need to start listening, even if you don't like what you're hearing, so we can start dismantling everything that's causing people to be marginalized.

13. I am not interested in coming after your blessed guns, nor is anyone serving in government. What I am interested in is sensible policies, including background checks, that just MIGHT save one person’s, perhaps a toddler’s, life by the hand of someone who should not have a gun. (Got another opinion? Put it on your page, not mine).

14. I believe in so-called political correctness. I prefer to think it’s social politeness. If I call you Chuck and you say you prefer to be called Charles I’ll call you Charles. It’s the polite thing to do. Not because everyone is a delicate snowflake, but because as Maya Angelou put it, when we know better, we do better. When someone tells you that a term or phrase is more accurate/less hurtful than the one you're using, you now know better. So why not do better? How does it hurt you to NOT hurt another person?

15. I believe in funding sustainable energy, including offering education to people currently working in coal or oil so they can change jobs. There are too many sustainable options available for us to continue with coal and oil. Sorry, billionaires. Maybe try investing in something else.

16. I believe that women should not be treated as a separate class of human. They should be paid the same as men who do the same work, should have the same rights as men and should be free from abuse. Why on earth shouldn’t they be?

I think that about covers it. Bottom line is that I'm a liberal because I think we should take care of each other. That doesn't mean you should work 80 hours a week so your lazy neighbor can get all your money. It just means I don't believe there is any scenario in which preventable suffering is an acceptable outcome as long as money is saved.”

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal!

i had an off day today. i woke up early, showered, cut and prepared my lunch for the day, packed grapes to snack on, and was overall in a pretty good mood. i even stayed awake for the entire train ride up north and while i did run into the homeless guy again, he didnt recognize me this time. phew. but i started it off well! i did! but then i preceeded to feel very overwhelmed and I can’t tell if im just being lazy or if today was honestly an off day or what. i think it’s bc i do have a tendency to work fast in general but bc of that, i usually have a lot of free time and a lot of time for a break but today, i didnt feel like i had a break. it was just one thing after the other and all so fast! And I’ve been getting more “fire drill” requests recently where clients need something ASAP. Which haven’t been too hard. It’s just a lot to take care of I guess. And it could just be that it’s a busy season right now. But it was just today and I do feel like tomorrow will be better. I just need to come up with a few different drafts for the one pager and the company map. I’m thinking of looking into flow charts? Or an organizational map? Or maybe it’s a chart? Anyway, I did one for ITM that came out pretty nice so maybe I’ll mimic the style. I think I’m just having such a hard time bc I don’t exactly know what they want whereas my work for the clients have been pretty straightforward. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too “perfect” and because of that, I lack a personality.

I didn’t actually tell anyone the above thought bc I thought it’d just come off as cocky but it was an actual concern! but I don’t think it’s true, haha. I’m passionate, loyal, determined, and hardworking. I’m not as goal-oriented as I used to be and I’m a lot more open to mistakes bc I know it’s not the end of the world. I’ve been able to overcome my fear of failure and it’s been immensely helpful. Although sometimes, I do still wonder if I’m not putting my best foot forward because I’m not a perfectionist anymore and worry if I should revert to those old habits. But I was so unhappy then and I’ve been able to do a lot more now without making every draft a “perfect” draft. 

I didn’t realize the people in my class from Sa-Rang went on their road trip recently and it looks like they had a good time and I was actually not at all worried about missing out. In fact, I think if I went, it would’ve just been awkward. I’m glad theyre having a good time. I just don’t think my personality fits in with them. Everyone is so competitive and I’ve tried to play those games before and I feel like if I called them out on it, they’d just chalk it off to me overreacting and they just dont trust me bc of the game and not bc of the past. But I feel like it would be bc of the past. I just wish they’d give me a chance. I actually feel like a real, decent, valid human being with my D&D friends and co-workers and peers out here. And with them. I always felt like I tried to speak up but they would ignore me. I was a voice always unheard and it made me feel invisible and like less of a person. And it felt like a norm so whenever people did acknowledge my existence, I was so touched. So touched to know that at least someone could see me. But how sad is that? I know who I am and I know the good that I have done and I know my place in God’s Kingdom. But whenever I’m with them, everything just falls apart and I question my identity and I just really don’t want to go back and face that again. I only have a month left before I have to. I want to make the most of my time here so that I’m not so afraid when I go back there. I do need to stand my ground with them and I know that I shouldn’t be this afraid to go back to my home church but I am just so afraid of how they’d react and judge me bc they’re the people I call “home.” And if that falls apart, then what. I do have Lakeview here and I’m glad but it’s still a work in progress for sure. I also want to make sure I’m doing things to help and invest into others because I genuinely care for them and not so that they’ll be grateful and thankful towards me later. I do want to genuinely serve them. I do. And I know that I can get into my own head a lot but I do want to really care for them on a deeper level. I also worry that whenever I reach out to guys, they think I’m asking them out on a date but I’m not. I actually just perceive them as I perceive girls—as hurting people and I want to be there to help them through it. 

I have “Jessie’s Girl” stuck in my head and as catchy as it is, it’s distracting my writings.

I’m really excited to sing karaoke with my friends on Friday and I just belt out my horrible horrible voice. I am totally prepared to lose my voice, HAHA. 

I’m just really conflicted, I guess.

On the one hand, I do really want to go home and just be home and not have to worry about anything but to just be in the presence of my parents and sister and to have the opportunity to go out on more late night adventures with Andrew, Aurora, and David. Those are always fun! And admittedly, forcing hangouts with Jeanne, Grace An, Tina and David Kang were always kind of awkward and I shouldn’t force these things. If people want to hangout with me then they can hit me up. But I’m only in town for so long and I would much rather spend time with people who actually genuinely care about me. 

I’ve also been so busy with my internship and havent had time to work on my coding skills :( And I want to start designing my D&D character too! Maybe I’ll start sketching on the train tomorrow or something. 

I need to do my dishes and practice my VBS dance moves too! Hopefully Saturday? :/ I want to be prepared and ready to teach 2 more dances that I’m confident in on Sunday! And then...I’m not sure what we’ll do for the rest of the time. Maybe we can all work together on the fifth dance and just keep practicing every Sunday. I do need to make sure they can confidently dance on their own without watching me. I’m worried about one of the bigger girls because she is me. She’s not bad at dancing. She’s just not confident in her skills and I want to make sure she knows that she is seen. She is real. And valid. And so important and perfect in God’s eyes. I know I was pretty nervous last Sunday but I do want to really pray for them and be a sort of mentor figure for them. We just started training and I already love all of them so much. It was also pretty disheartening when I asked for fun facts about them and they just resorted to being a PK, as if that’s all they’re good for when in reality, they are so much more than that. I can understand why and how I got and get left out a lot more now. I’m that bigger girl bc she wasnt as enthusiastic or excited. She was just shy and quiet. And I feel like there have been moments when I’ve been really enthusiastic but no one else agreed with me and I ended up just being the odd one out and felt like such an outsider and like I didn’t belong. :/ I want to really do my best and try my hardest. I do.

I’m also worried that by the time I come back during August, I won’t have grown that much and nothing will feel like it’s changed. I’m just trying to prepare and think as much as I can until then. I almost don’t want to go home at all. I’m so scared that what awaits me is just me feeling like I don’t belong. At first I was sad that I’ll only be home for a few weeks but now I’m thinking that’s all I can handle. I am so afraid that I won’t have grown or learned enough. So much happened this past year that it feels like nothing happened at all. I struggled with alcoholism, depression, anxiety, I lost Marlena and Jakob, I made new friends like Sara and Evelyn too. I had trouble coming to terms with my dad’s mom’s death, my mom’s dad’s death, my whole family dying and everything we own being burned to a crisp. All of my family members and friends getting seriously injured and everything they know and love being destroyed in a great blaze. And hardest of all, I had to come to terms with the very real reality of Robbin passing away and honestly, I still can’t fully believe it. I think once I see his grave again, I’ll actually begin to fully accept it. I really still can’t believe that happened and that’s definitely been the most impactful part of this past year. I knew that this year would be tough but I thought in terms of persecution and that’s something I overcame. I didn’t care about how others would judge me at church or on the streets anymore because I know who I am in God’s eyes. Or at least I’m trying to learn my worth in them. But this? This was on a whole different level. I went home in February for the weekend to attend Robbin’s funeral. I know it was so expensive but it was so worth it be there. It was much needed closure. I remember seeing my dad cry on our way from the airport to his mom’s place. We were both so upset, knowing what a great person Robbin was and how short his life was. He was ten years older than me when he passed away. It’s been over five months, nearly six, since he had a heart attack and I just. Sigh. I really miss you Robbin and I am so sorry that I didn’t do more for you while you were still here. I know it wasn’t my fault but I still can’t help but feel partly responsible and wonder if anything would have changed had I said something. I know what depression feels like and it sucks and I could’ve been there for him but I wasn’t. 

But anyways,

I’m here now and I am doing good. I know I am. I am happy that I can. I need to stop procrastinating and be more pro-active and get everything done sooner so that I have more time to relax and not have to worry about things to do the next day. I don’t even feel like typing anymore but I’m not tired either. I might just watch videos because might as well. I’m really not in the mood to shower or was dishes. At least tomorrow is my last day for the week! Woo! I could just take care of those things tomorrow, I suppose. Sigh. I know I shouldn’t be lazy and I definitely have the means and ability to get up and do these things and just get it over with my but I’m really not in the mood. I just want to lay on the floor and cry and wallow in my sorrow. Sigh. 

On a brighter note, I saw the Incredible 2 yesterday with Tykira and Jordan and it was so good! I predicted the plot pretty early on so I was worried that that would be the whole movie so I was pleasantly surprised when it wasn’t! C:

I read some old posts in the Guat Squad group the other day while looking for old VBS dance moves and I told Judy that I missed everyone. But honestly, I don’t know if I do. I posted so many times and was so excited to post about reminders and I honestly did trust them and have a good time but not everyone, I guess. Even on the mission field, I was a lot more comfortable talking to Judy, Grace, and Gladys than anyone else on the team. There were moments during training where they did acknowledge me and I felt accepted and like I belonged but for the majority of the time, I don’t think I actually really got along with them. I need to stop trying so hard to fit in and just saying what everyone else is saying and speak the truth instead. It might be “not the right move” but it’s much better to be me and honest than to spend so long trying so hard to fit into a group that will never accept me anyway. I think this is a new goal that I should be working towards. Using my observations to just be blunt and straightforward and honest. I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job doing that with my family and P. Josh so far. I just can’t be afraid to be honest to those around my age either. 

I also need to stop judging people for being wealthy and well off. And also for complaining or being greedy or doing a better job at fitting in than I do. I’ve been really frustrated towards Jane recently bc I feel like she just complains all the time and tries so hard to fit in and it annoys me so much bc I try to fit in too. So why does it work for her but not for me? And maybe it’s because I’m fat or not as pretty. Maybe it’s because of what happened in the past. But regardless, I am here. And I want to be unapologetically me. 

[deadcatelog]

sometimes i think it’s a bit sad and funny how bad my memory can be. i had a handful of good friends that i loved being around back in hs only a few years ago. a lot of them seemed to drift away after 3 years for one friend group, then 2 years or so for another. some of them went to college, and the rest of us were usually put into different classes either because of scheduling or interests or grades. 

i started a club with some of them. and most of them were in it. i was the president in my senior year, and the ones left in my year were so supportive of me. i didn’t tell them, but i was so grateful they stuck around because i was so anxious sometimes speaking to the club that i became a bit dependent on the idea of having  afamiliar face in the crowd when the nerves were starting to get to me.

i had such a hard time remembering any of the names of the underclassmen. i think i was fond of them, but for some reason i felt uncomfortable hanging out around them outside of school. (what if they realize how boring i am? how unhappy they are with me? what if that ruins our friendship? what if they leave the club? if i never get to know them, and they never get to know me we can never disappoint each other...) god, i think i was terrified of this idea so often with so many people. 

um, anyway, i think at some point i realized i was having a hard time remembering people i’d known for years. their names, their personalities, it drives me crazy sometimes. sometimes i test myself whenever i think of this (what were the names of my best friends? first person. firstname, lastname. next person. first name, lastname. next person... etc. its upsetting how often i hesitate. some of these people, i’ve seen almost every day for years. i got to know them. but when i see their faces? when i say their names? they’re basically strangers. i guess it makes it easier for me to be fond of strangers, but i can’t imagine a random stranger would really appreciate being treated like a friend when you barely know each other. i try to remind myself of that whenever i want to trust people too quickly, or make assumptions about them, i don’t want to walk all over people thinking they don’t mind and assuming there’s nothing wrong with doing x because someone in my past liked x. we’re not a singularlity yet, haha.

i can’t fucking remember anyone from my freshmen year. i don’t remember anything i learned in class, who my professors are or what half of them looked like, who my classmates are.... i don’t remember any of their names. i only know the names of four people, in morningside. two upperclassmen that chaperoned me and some other freshmen over the summer i enrolled in college, the last name of my dean, and my therapist. 

i don’t remember the names of any of my friends. even though i talked to them almost every day, hung out with them, connected with them as much as i could force myself to. forced because i always felt so anxious interacting with others, desperate to watch myself or appear a certain way so people wouldn’t avoid me or think i was weird. be extra nice, not step on any toes, try to be funny, even at the expense of my feelings if i thought it was necessary.

now, well, i guess i was so worried about myself i forgot to spare any thought for anyone else haha. i’m always a bit surprised at how people describe the way they feel about student loans... how it hangs over them, on the back of their mind every day. how it constantly stresses them out. how they can’t ever seem to get over it as long as it’s still there. how crushing it feels... i wonder if we feel the same way, but just about different things. have i toldyou about the time i thought about how bad i felt for upsetting some complete strangers i met at an accepted student weekend? now that i think about it, i wonder if we were just both too sensative. if i was just too insensitive, and i think i was at least reasonably speaking it couldve done better. they’d dyed their hair and i asked them about it and if they’d enjoyed the change. either one or both of them spoke about their mothers after that, so it was probably a sensative topic. i tried tolamely save that convo but then one or both of the girls got pretty snarky and i knew it was a lost cause. for me anyways, i suck at fixing that type of thing. it was such a shame, i had a bit of a crush on the one who insulted me and i wish it could have gone.......better.. ha.

thecrush part was pretty insignificant eventually, i couldnt get over how upset i made them/her and how upset that made me was ridiclious. it lasted for two months. i remember sitting in the tub thinking this is crazy, why can’t i get over this? the shame, the horror, this....... disgust at myself? it’s still to vivid. why?

and so, well. off topic again but tl;dr my memory is really weird. i don’t even have an idea of what either of their names were, but....mmm.

i can’t remember any of my co-workers names. i think they’ve caught on by now, and a lot of them seem pretty insulted by it. i feel upset that they feel that way, and i wish they didn’t, but i also can’t help but feel a bit amused at the back of it all. that doesn’t stop the guilt, but it makes it oddly bareable, even if only a bit.

almost everything from my childhood just isn’t there. and most of high school has been disappearing, too. i can’t seem to remember any of my freshmen year at all, either. that especially makes me so upset because it fucking ruins my plans for the future. my mistakes would be so much more bearable if i didn’t think it was compromising my future. i want to enjoy my major, i want it to make sense to me, i don’t want to forget. i dont want to forget my professors or coursework. i don’t want to forget to do my homework. i don’t want to forget my classmates, or for them to think that i’m lazy or stupid or don’t care. not when it’s all i have, or all i want. i want to be a se, and do well in my classes. make friends who share my interests. get good grades. geta good job. meet people.love people. love life.enjoy it all. i just seem to forget or burn-out so quickly that it just makes me, and everyone around me fucking miserable and want nothing to do with me. that was okay in hs when i couldn’t make friendsall the time, i had to be okay with it when i saw how easy it seemed to be for everyone to juggle social life, work,and school in hs and college when i could barely do one at a time without becoming irritable and tired. now i don’t even have my grades, and im beginning to lose faith in myself and my passion. i can’t stand it. i hate it. i hate my memory, i hate my anxiety, all of it.

oh, but i’m so fucking sorry i can’t seem to remember your fucking name. 

my biggest secret is that all my friends and family are strangers to me because i can’t remember them. any of the time we’ve spent together. despite the years of seeing each other every day, every holiday, all of my memories are a muddy murky stew of things barely recognizeable. i don’t even know myself, anymore.

but i got your fucking name wrong, so fuck me right? but obviously this is the most upsetting thing ever. and you’re not getting over it, so i’m just going to get over it for you guys, haha. i can barely tell any of them apart. i can’t tell why they do the things they do, they might have told me exactly why the day before but it won’t matter in a few hours. i hope this is something i can fix,

[yas-surveys]

135.

1. Do you like your movies and books to be more lighthearted or serious? - i like both

2. What’s more important, first impressions or lasting impact? - lasting impact

3. Order these areas of psychological health from what you need the least improvement in to what you need the most improvement in: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, environmental, spiritual - spiritual, environmental, social, intellectual,emotional,physical

4. Do you react appropriately to things and control your feelings? - fek, i haven’t been able to appropriately react to serious stuff nowadays, im being such a stubborn bitch, fek

5. Do you need to be in a relationship to feel good about yourself? - no

6. Are you always trying to learn new things? - yeah

7. Do you feel at peace? - right now? half???

8. Are you over or under weight? - neither

9. Do you think of the needs of all humanity or just the needs of yourself and those you know? - all

10. Do you recycle? - yeah

11. Are you active in your community? - not rly

12. Are you sensitive to the needs of others? - yeah

13. Do you dress up to go to the mall? - sometimes when i’m not feeling lazy

14. Have you ever been on anti depressants? - no

15. Name a part of your body. - right hand

16. Give that part of your body a name. - cindy

17. Is fourteen your lucky number? - no

18. What can be described as ‘even better than the real thing’? - dupes? lol, dreams

19. Are you jealous that dog can lick their own genitals? - oh god

20. What’s in your wallet right now? - money, cards, pictures, coins, receipts,

21. Do you write letters that you never send? - yeah

22. Do you ever get the feeling people are laughing at you? - at this point though, i don’t really care

23. Have you ever been swept off your feet? - no

24. Tell me why you don’t like Mondays: - oh god, i just want extra sleep y’know. petition for weekends to be extended + i have music on mondays and i hate music!!! & the teacher lol

25. In the Harry potter series the books seem to be getting darker and more serious with each new release. Do you like this change or do you prefer the story to be light? - i haven’t read it yet, sue me but i will

26. How often do you update your blog? - nowadays, i have been so busy and swamped with school works, i haven’t been able to go on that much

27. What do you mostly write about in your blog? - i have different kinds of blogs

28. How many quizzes and/or surveys do you have in your blog as entries? - 134

29. How honest are you in your blog? - depends but other than that 100%

30. Why do you write in your blog? - for my feelings and thoughts and opinions

31. Do you ever chat online? - yeah

32. Have you ever caught a mistake in a movie? - yeah

33. Have you ever seen that munchkin who supposedly hangs himself in the Wizard of Oz? - what?

34. If you had to give yourself a letter grade (A, A-, B, B-, C, C-, D, D-, F) for things how would you grade yourself on:

Happiness: - B-

Being a decent human being: - A-

Being serene (calm, peaceful): - B

Kindness: - B

Anger management: - C-

Creative thinking: - A-

Modesty: - B

Being an original: - B

Knowing yourself: - A-

Being true to yourself: - C

Getting along with others: - A

Liking yourself: - B-

Admitting your flaws: - B-

Self improvement: - D

35. How would you feel if twice a week you could wake up next to the person you love? - oh gwad, i would feel very nice and comforted

36. Have you ever been to:

Church? - yeah

Temple? - no

A bar? - i mean, idk, if i should consider it as a bar

A house party? - yes

A rave? - yes

A goth club? - no

A punk show? - no

A hip hop club? - no

37. What sounds like the most fun out of that list? - a house party / rave

38. So far, have you changed around any of the questions on this survey? - no

39. Are you crying on the inside? - right now? no but i mostly lmao

40. Are you afraid of the future? - yeah

41. What will you dress up as this year for Halloween (if you celebrate it)? - halloween is not a big deal here but prolly alice or 11 lmao

42. Do you think of some people as not worthy of being your friend? - yeah(?)

43. If you won $1,000 every week until you die, would you still go to school? - hell no, that’s actually a lot and i still can save a lot too

44. Would you still get a job? - no

45. What’s the most difficult job you can think of? - there’s a lot

46. If you could decorate your room with any theme you wanted what would you pick? - blue and white and mint green

47. Of the following bands which would you be most likely to check out?: roxy music (70’s glam), the magnetic fields (current indie rock), kraftwerk (experimental electronic rock) - the magnetic fields

48. You and your boy/girlfriend have been together 6 months or longer…. One day s/he wants to go to a strip club with his/her friends to hang out. It’s guys/girls night out and you aren’t invited. Would you be upset by this? -  well i feel like he would let me know and i think he knows that it won’t be my thing so i’m kind of okay about it???? idk lmao

49. Can a person avoid dying if he or she does not believe in death? - no

50. If someone sings songs that they don’t write and they don’t play any instruments or mix the songs or have any creative input at all..Are they a musician? - well, i mean, a musician means they can play an instrument (from google lol)

51. What do the following stand for:

html? - hyper text mark-up language

faq? - frequently asked questions

fao? - ????

imho? - in my honest opinion

hiv? - human immunodeficiency virus

aids? - acquired immunodeficiency syndrom

r&b? - rhytm & blues

(oh wow, i’ve learned a lot of acronyms lmao)

52. What does the world owe you? - equality

53. Do you read plays and books or just get the cliff notes? - read

54. Do you know what is really important to you? - happiness

55. Do you forgive yourself when you make a mistake? - oh my god, no, i would take it with me for so many years

56. What tiny little very small thing has made you hugely happy? - when someone remembers you by the things you tell them for example, you told a story to someone and they’re talking to another set of friends and something was mentioned that made him/her remind of u 

57. Can you read body language well? - sometimes

58. Do you look people in the eye when you talk? - yeah

59. Do you notice if they aren’t looking you in the eye? - yes OH MY GOD

60. Are you alert to opportunities? - sometimes????

61. Do you look like the person you want to be? - no

62. Do you behave like the person you want to be? - sometimes

63. Some children were asked ‘how would you make your marriage work?’ One child, Ricky, age ten, said: 'Tell your wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.’ Is this good advice? - yeah

64. Do you visualize your goals and dreams? - yes

65. 4x + 3 = 15. What is the value of x? - 3

66. Do you keep yourself organized? - yeah

67. Does anyone really win an argument? - depends on what kind of argument it is 68. Have you ever had champagne? - no actually 69. Do you strive for perfection? - prolly 70. Do you dislike being told what to do? - i mean, if it’s for my own good then yeah sure but when it’s not then what makes u think you can? 71. If you had a cat would you have it declawed? - you can do that? 72. What do you think about guys who don’t wear underwear? - brave  73. What do you think about girls who don’t wear bras? - tired  (it’s been a year and this is still funny 2 me) 74. Do you ask for what you want? - yeah, ???? 75. What are you against? - animal abuse 76. What makes you feel awkward? - when you thought someone was waving ‘hi’ to you but they weren’t 77. If you were going to switch to another blog website, which one would you go to? - wordpress or wix 78. Do you believe that certain books should be removed from high school libraries? - why are they there in the first place then 79. How do you feel about gay and lesbian marriages? - it’s FUN 80. Can you rearrange the letters in your name to form any other words(check here if you aren’t sure http://www.wordsmith.org/anagram/)? -  Rage Mart,  Gamer Art

[wulvengrey]

Blah blah blah venting

I’m so dissapointed with myself, I was rude to a customer today, didn't really mean to be but i’m sure I upset her and I didn't do my best. I was stupid and complaining and lazy. (And yeah it’s just starbucks and all i did was heat her pastry hotter than she wanted but still i complained in front of her and it’s my fault) And now I’m watching artists on youtube talking about drawing and finding your own style and I’m crying because im so disgusted with how i am and how uncreative ive become and I didn't used to be like this. I’m so tired, I don’t know who I am anymore or what’s important, I feel like all i’m doing is dying. I feel like i’m being punished for not focusing on important life things sooner and giving so much of myself to people who I used to think were more important than what I liked and wanted and now that I’m trying to take control I’m not allowed to without everything getting in the way. I focused so much on things that would be useful to or well liked by the people around me to the point that I don’t know if any of these things i’m “good” at are even things I actually like or just things that I convinced myself that I did.