#im doing some sort of marathon i suppose

[zeawesomebirdie]

At this point I think I just have to accept that I do in fact go here, even though I don't actually know where exactly here is

[polyhexian]

Murder drones pre-finale marathon begins. The new episode actually starts airing in two minutes but I wanted to wait until nightfall anyway. And also I want to be able to pause if like. I spill a drink or something. And my roommate left so now I have the house to myself. So it's time for a rewatch!!!

First thing is the same thing I always note when i watch the pilot again. It's incredible how MUCH the animation has improved over the last few years. And it was already great! I have also noted only the first episode has their eyes floating inside their visors rather than displayed on top, so when they turn their head to the side you can see both eyes. I definitely like the update.

The first episode also includes a lot of extra exaggerated subtle motion thats supposed to give it life but makes it look ever so slightly like motion capture rather than animation with intent behind it. The rigs improve so much along with the lipsync. And they were ALREADY good.

Tho, like future episodes, it can be a little too literally dark at times. That's why I want to watch it at night so badly; daytime screen glare really is a nuisance.

The humour is still perfect though. Absolutely incredible comedic timing. It's so SNAPPY and knows exactly how long to make a shot, how far to take a joke. And everyone's line delivery is positively incredible. Michael kovac is truly living for this role lol. He just sounds so delighted the entire time.

The score for MD is always great but they certainly have less diversity in episode one.

"sure. I love doing anything!" Is the single funniest line delivery I've ever heard in my life.

It's so funny seeing the v intro scene again because it's like. "Oh god, who are you?" Is so funny because. She can't see him. V knows exactly who he is because they've known each other forever. But she needs glasses lmfao. She's like oh god what the fuck who are you because he's a blob. Foreshadowing you don't know is foreshadowing!!

"I left an extremely dangerous we- excuse outside!" Fhjrjdjr

I love how n's legs look. They just have this extremely satisfying style the way they're designed. I actually like v and J's weird hips and legs but since there's only three murder drones anyway I think they should have given J something different. they fit V to a T but I think you could do something different for J that was more specifically her and offer some more design diversity! J should have feet. Maybe some smart Business Heels or something. Or, she's got kind of a very light gothic Lolita thing going on. Idk.

God I love when Khan abandons Uzi and even N is like damn that was fucked up wow.

Im hoping to get a bit of closure on this in the end but J's entire shtick is the whole business boss thing. But obviously we know now that earth has Exploded so. There isn't a company left sending orders. N notes SOMEONE was sending her orders and we know that was Cyn as Tessa and I suspect J does not know Tessa is Cyn, but technically that's not confirmed I think. But sort of. J's big ol business thing. I wonder if we may get further context on that personality trait.

It's VERY funny watching Doll in this episode like girl why ain't you doing anything

LOVE how N just picks her up like a cat and puts her on his shoulders. Just like it's nothing. Up you go, Uzi!

Love how the stinger at the end of uzi laughing maniacally about killing all humans never really comes to anything. Like it sets it up as if that's the plot, they're going to go attempt to do that. But no lol that's nothing

Next episode we go!

[andromerot]

my pedro almodóvar marathon. thoughts, feelings, tier list

or, i spent like 50 hours on this so i better get to post about it

well, i'd be lying if i said i set out to do this with any clear goals in mind. i sort of just wanted to watch movies. this year i set out to watch through a couple of directors entire works, but ran into complications or got bored. so anyway when i finished my term i decided id try a third time with my best friend pedro. i had watched five of his films already but was mostly unaware of other things he had made. on the 22nd of november i started with matador, then went on and in exactly a month i had watched all of his feature films yayyy

so this is how i ranked them on letterboxd and this is a tier list. this doesnt really sum up my thoughts though so im leaving a little review for each below the cut, in the order i watched them in this month hope someone cares :) thank you

matador (1986): ohhhhhh my god. absolutely unexpected how insane this movie made me. many people say its not very good, i dont think that's true. transgressive, erotic, camp, necrosexual, implicit faggot tension, beautiful costuming, insanely talented cast of so many characters sick in the head. watching this one first really hyped me up to keep at it and to close out the month i rewatched it the other day and though it was less surprising than the first time i watched it its maybe my favorite now :) it has structural flaws i suppose. but i love it

¿que he hecho yo para merecer esto? (1984): pretty funny! not bad at all, i remember enjoying it as i watched it, it just wasnt very memorable. i enjoy every performance by carmen maura, chus was stellar as always and forqué was really sweet in this one too, i liked it. i literally forgot half of the plot though. did anyone remember the telepathic child or the faked hitler diaries? i didnt until i looked it up.

la ley del deseo (1987) (rewatched): showed this one to my friend, god its iconic. some of my favorite chiques almodovar. so fun to watch and so silly even though its not quite a comedy. the fact that antonio is just called antonio in this one makes me unwarrantedly happy. MAURA THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE!! very hot all around. i think i liked it better this time than the other two i had watched it.

pepi, luci, bom y otras chicas del montón (1980): everyone talks about how sexually transgressive 80s almodovar is and i was like yeah whatever until i watched this one. straight up trilogy of trash shit. so beautiful. i wish every movie was like this. no one likes it but i adored it. erecciones generales will stay in my mind forever and i loved the musical numbers. and the piss, of course.

entre tinieblas (1983): also somewhat forgettable, though i watched it while pretty worried about something else so maybe i didnt give it the attention it deserved. its not a bad time but i wouldn't rewatch it. based on the premise you think it'd be better.

la flor de mi secreto (1995) (rewatched): OH GOD. until last month my favorite almodóvar, its been outdone but it still destroys me. its terribly underrated. i dont even know what i can say about it... marisa paredes is stunning at doing desperation. the boots, the scene at the protest, the initial meeting with ángel, the poem in the car, that moment in the hall. it's beautiful and breathtaking. lesbian film history, i promise.

todo sobre mi madre (1999): like, its good, but i dont get what people see in it that makes it so acclaimed. again paredes is great in this, but penélope is somewhat tame compared to what she does later, and this is the point in the list where i have to admit cecilia roth is not very good to me and all my compatriots start throwing rocks at me. listen i just wish she'd stop doing that stupid accent its so fucking bad cecilia sincerate seguro sos de villa crespo. anyway its fine if a bit weird about trans women, but hes always a hit or miss w that

átame (1989): took a big break between the last one and this one for some reason. anyway, pretty funny, except it really drags in the middle. shouldnt have been that long, but victoria abril always slays and the last scene is wonderful.

tacones lejanos (1991): WOAHHHHH! really cool i liked it. i love a mother daughter thing especially this mother and this daughter. really fun doppelganger story and i love how it was told, i found it both melodramatic and subtle? miguel bosé makes a really pretty girl, this will inform my every subsequent rewatch of suspiria. big fan of his gender. dance number fucked obvs

kika (1993) (rewatch): ok, i know why people don't like this one, but its so silly... cmon. it sillay. once again incredible abril performance, the costuming my god.... her character makes the whole movie i wish i was her. lesbian rossy de palma was wonderful and every forqué performance is a delight. pedro getting hitchcockian with it to slightly trick the audience is a staple of his 90s filmography, fucks.

carne trémula (1997): the title made me think it would be better! there was barely any carne. i didn't really see the point of most of it tbh, though based on how the movie starts and ends there might be some spanish historical context that im missing that makes it more interesting. strangely reminiscing of the buenos aires affair to me, but puig is better. yeah it was just pretty boring.

laberinto de pasiones (1982): YAYYYYYY i had some trouble torrenting so i watched it really out of order this but its SO FUN. obviously in the same vein as pepi luci bom but i liked it slightly more just for how unnecessarily elaborate it was. the one major role i dont mind roth being in and im a big fan of antonios gay terrorist with an ultradeveloped sense of smell character and arias is really into his very silly character too – he works well in secreto as well, i wish hed been on more almodovares, i should finally watch camila. liné was hilarious too. the problematic incest storyline was really funny to me sorryyyyy and i got a lot of gender out of the musical performances. hey can you believe that beautiful fag covered in blood is a franquista now. i can

hable con ella (2002): ehhhhhhh. some people really hate this one for the couple scenes i found most interesting, others love it for reasons i cant parse. its got parts that caught my attention a lot, but mostly it was eerie in an unenjoyable and uninteresting way and the backstories dragged on too long, especially grandinetti's. like i just don't care sorry. THE scene is quite disturbing though. i appreciated he decided to show rape in a more subtle light for once, it made it a lot more cruel and a lot more interesting.

la mala educación (2004) (rewatch): sighhhh. i really wish i liked this one. its got so many elements i am into – the colours are obviously spectacular, the unreliable multiple narrations and the disassembled timelines are always enjoyable to me, the attempt at social commentary is appreciated, some scenes are stunning (fictional ignacios head split in half is unforgettable) but quite honestly the characterization is so bad it bores me. i liked it more the first time i watched it just because of how confused i was, once i wasnt it lost its magic. maybe the worst in what is considered the "somewhat autobiographical movies about directors" trilogy (i think there's four of them but we'll discuss that later) probably because the character of enrique is so bland. i know its more but it feels that you only spend like five minutes with him. ángel/juan's motivations for anything are so puzzling, ignacio is just a caricature at this point and probably the character with the most depth is berenguer, which is ironic, i guess

volver (2006): WAHHH. its hard to talk about it honestly. it was so unexpectedly beautiful. the acting is so on point – penélope cruz and that beautiful carmen maura comeback are self evident, but blanca portillo is also stellar. it was fascinating from minute one and i couldnt keep my eyes off it. its written with such care and love. i suppose the plot itself is nothing out of this world, but the way it is handled is explosive. i really adored it.

los abrazos rotos (2009): the fourth bastard on the self insert series! cmon, its way more about himself than la mala educación. anyway, its good at some points, not very in others. the strong point is obviously the relationship between mateo, judit and diego, their refusal to be tied as a family and their desire to be tied by love is reaaaally interesting. the scene at the sea... but penélope and her millionaire and her millionaires son do nothing interesting at any point, im afraid to say. sad! surprisingly not very memorable, even though i didnt dislike it as i watched it. like i remember i liked some things but if a couple weeks later i dont remember what they were its probably the movies fault

la piel que habito (2011): AUGHHH OK. fuck. THIS ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD. it wasnt it was really mid. when it started i was like oh is pedro trying out his hand at cronenberg and i was really excited because im SURE he can do cronenberg better than cronenberg but he didnt. it was worse. how are you giving your women less agency than that guy??? honestly probably the first ever film of his where this is a noticeable problem, though penélope in the last one should give us a hint. ughh it should have been good. im mad about that. no desire to question gender or power and the unchronological storytelling does nothing for me. BAD! if anything i recognized its sexual power for if banderas character was a woman i would be throwing up and convulsing on the floor. i hope vicente and his lesbian coworker had a beautiful romance i guess. i cant believe some people call this one one of the most controversial of his work....

los amantes pasajeros (2013): hm well everyone was like THIS is the bad one and i was like i bet you guys are just being mean but no yeah this is the bad one. its not funny and it drags on so long...i can usually defend the rape scenes in his movies, even in kika or hable con ella, but this one just sucks so bad. i was prepared to defend this movie but i cant. as soon as the movie started i was trying to guess where all the threads would connect, how all the characters would be linked and they mostly... weren't? also the reference to the gazpacho scene in mujeres made me groan out loud.

julieta (2016): well i dont really know what this was supposed to be....it feels on the surface it could have been really good but something about it felt so emotionless. it was an odd experience, watching it, because i expected to be moved by so many scenes and i never was. i dont know what the point of it was.

dolor y gloria (2019): ok yeah this one was sweet! didn't blow my mind or anything but it was very cleverly made...a really more beautiful way to do the childhood-as-movie thing than in mala educación, i really enjoyed it. nostalgia bores me sometimes but i feel hes not being annoying about it. long live old man yaoi (and finally an argentinian actor i DONT hate...) and that beautiful beautiful cave and that mind gripping apartment bringing in the characteristic insane set design but in a new way...i had a good time

madres paralelas (2021): oh this could have been so good! it wasnt but honestly i dont remember exactly why i disliked it. i suppose i didnt connect to the characters and that it is a story that requires that to engage you – their motivations were really out of place and unlike other movies that bothered me. really interesting premise, didnt work out. im sad about it. could have been cool.

yeah so that's it i only realized while writing this that i forgot to rewatch mujeres but obvs that ones very good, proper classic, quote it every time i eat gazpacho and such. also extraña forma de vida is a snore i refuse to watch it again. i hope this works as a rec list for someone. and i am ready to be stoned by my wrong opinions by the rest of you

[artsycooky13]

Hey yall remember Vonvonmonth? Yeah im starting that once again this year as I couldnt do it last year Just like last time- the event is all throughout July and ends when the month ends! if you are participating in this little event, make sure you @ my user or tag #Vonvonmonth, so I can see it and cry my eyes out over it (More info undercut)

For newcomers, this is an art event where I do an art marathon of Vonvon throughout July- and other people are welcome to join in, fun and creativity is encouraged! (fics/writing or literally any art form for this event are allowed!). This has sort of become tradition on my blog, and this is gonna be its 3rd time round- which Im looking forward to! (You can search up #Vonvonmonth2020 or #Vonvonmonth to see some past examples on my blog- if tumblr works properly that is lmao)

NO NSFW or things that depict heavy/sensitive topics, this event is supposed to be mainly lighthearted (angsty prompts are allowed, just nothing gorey). Other than that- go hog wild! Crossovers, AUs, prompts- anything fun! They just gotta have Vonvon in it ^ ^

At the moment there are no rewards planned, its just meant to be a free for fun thing- BUT! if you REALLY wow me I might feel compelled to give you smth in return after the event is over lol! But dont stress on that of course! If you guys have questions about this event my inbox is always open!

[pollstuck]

TT: I'm working on the bathroom. TT: But we are running low on Build Grist. EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!!! TT: I see. TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game? EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do! TT: I think it's very likely. TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end. TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous. TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm. TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable. EB: wow, FASCINATING. EB: ?????? TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms. TT: Try using the lathe. TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that. EB: ok i'll do that. TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel. TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar. TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair. TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough. TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 --

TG: i heard you got the box TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon TG: hey where are you EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i think i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare. EB: flighty is breaking everything in my house. TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether EB: you and I both know we love her snarky horseshit EB: but that doesn't matter right now! EB: there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!!! EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something. EB: in the sky. EB: heading right for my house!!!!!!!! TG: oh man TG: how big is it EB: i dunno. EB: big, i guess. EB: i gotta go! EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up. TG: like the size of texas TG: or just rhode island TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir TG: OH SHIT TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir TG: OH SHIT TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick TG: OH SNAP TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter TG: you mean like the planet? TG: yeah TG: well its that big sir TG: hmm that sounds pretty big TG: i have a question TG: is it jupiter? TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter TG: OH SHIT TG: anyway later

[star-girl69]

AHHHH YOURE SO ADORABLE.

Damnnn fake gagging??? 😭😭I didn't know I was that baddddd. What can a girl do when she's soooo down bad.

How is your maths working out sooooo neat. I have the worst handwriting ever and then my thought process is wack so like everything always ends up in different areas yk.

Chemistry calculations are the worst and it doesn't help that I also despise chem with a passion but bio calculations make me actually wanna drop school and pursue other career options(🤭).

Mrs.B sounds like a B fr fr like why sooo mean. Don't stress about your writing too much. As always I believe in youuuu❤️

- ❤️

(Nooooo don't beee sadddd I'm sorry honey. I think our time difference is hugee. I am also training and working a lot so I sleep a lot and my schedule is haywire but trust, you always on my mind❤️❤️)

🤭🤭🤭🤭

(also sorry AGAIN i read this in the middle of my 2 hour class and then spent a lot of time smiling at the floor instead of paying attention but now i’m home and can sit down and properly reply it’s like we’re exchanging letters LMAO)

NO LIKE i mean i’m having fun! i like it if you couldn’t tell LMAOO i’m giggling and kicking my feet! i think you are doing exactly what a girl should do when she is down bad 🤭🤭 she just hates to see a real bitch (me) win (be happy) (im mostly kidding we love each other fr)

omg i thank god everyday that i have at least somewhat decent handwriting but real on the thought process being wack… especially w math like i go all over the place that’s probs why it’s my worst subject

boooooooo you just don’t understand the magic of chemistry it’s amazing!!!!! like omg nomenclature??? i loved that unit sm!!!! the first test of the year i literally got a 100/100 likkkeeee also i LOVE nuclear chem but anyways.

wait hold on i already took bio but i don’t remember CALCULATIONS??? but i think it might be diff considering my bio course is called living environment where i live

OK NO. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! MRS B IS THE SWEETEST MOST NICEST PROFOUND AMAZING PERSON IN THE WORLD LIKE I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE CHANGES MY LIFE ON THE DAILY BUT SOMETIMES SHES A LITTLE BLUNT

today she gave me and my bff honey chocolate hearts and once she gave us bread (there’s a picture somewhere of me and my friend walking through the hall with slices of bread in our mouths) and also she brought in a crockpot of spaghetti and force fed me I DONT LIKE MARINARA SAUCE i was like “no thank you!” and she said “ADDIE WHAT!! NO NO YOU EAT THE PASTA”

haha… i’ll try not to stress but i think we all know how that will work out…

(i headcanon england for you btw or like some sort of european country around there bc like…. “mathS” and “apologiSe” and also the whole cm thing. wait what are you training for like a marathon or is that just supposed to mean like you just go to the gym? anyways i hope you don’t overwork yourself ☹️ ☹️also i think YOU should tell ME about YOUR day 😍)

(well ig i feel a little bit better if i’m always on your mind 🤭🤭🤭) (you’re always on mine tho 💋)

[in-my-feels-probably]

can i get option one with stranger things, please? i really like steve harrington (romantically). i like him so much because he seems like a comforting and patient person, who would accept you for who you are.

physical description:

i'm 5'5 with medium brown skin and dark brown eyes. i wear a lot of simple clothes- sweatpants and sweatshirts.

fav things: reading, writing, sports, rainy days, and watching movies and tv.

tysm, congrats on 600 followers!

hi! thank you for participating :)

steve doesn’t have that many close friends. he did in high school, but they really only knew him on a surface level. assuming you met him after his whole “king steve” phase, he’d be a different person compared to how he was a few years before. he really is an accepting person. i think he’d value anyone who gave him that same respect, and he’d appreciate that someone cared enough to not only get to know him, but to stick around long enough to actually get close. until robin, he didn’t really have anyone his own age to hang out with. and now they’re best friends, and they talk to each other about everything. so when you came around, he’d be really excited to have another person like that in his life. robin would probably never hear the end of how much he loves his girl and how great she is. i think robin would like you too, but she’d get a little sick of steve bringing you up so often. it’s cute, but annoying. she’d tell him that, and he would keep talking about you anyways.

i think one of his biggest love languages is quality time. it didn’t matter what the two of you would do together, he just wanted to be with you. he’d sit with you while you read, or help you with anything you were doing. he’s got that big house all to himself. his parents are gone so often, he’d pretty much be living on his own. sure, he’s had people over before, and im sure some of the kids show up every once in a while. he does have a pool, he’s probably gotta deal with a bunch of teenagers coming over to use it. but they’d leave by night time, and he’d be alone again.

that’s where you’d come in. you’d roll up to his house in sweats, letting yourself in. he’d be used to you showing up unannounced by now. he’d probably even have given you a key. you’d plop down on his couch and hear him come running from his room to see you.

he’d have a stack of movies in his arms, shoving them into yours while he went and changed. it was as if he’d been waiting for you to show up, knowing you were coming.

you’d look at him confused, calling into the hallway. “how’d you know i was coming?”

“its supposed to rain today!” he’d call back, shuffling around in his room a bit before coming back.

he’d wait for you to sort through the stack of movies, letting you take your time picking what to watch. you’d offer to let him pick this time, but he’d just shake his head. he was content to watch your favorite movie for the millionth time, or sit on the couch for half an hour softly smiling at you as you narrowed your choices down to just a few films. he’d probably even marathon a series with you, regardless of if he cared about it or not.

once you finally put a movie on and got comfortable, he’d settle into your side, barely even looking at the screen. he’d let out a content sigh, fiddling with a loose thread on the blanket.

“are you even watching?” you’d ask, glancing down at him.

he’d just hum, nodding. “of course. can’t you tell?”

“uh huh,” you’d say, wrapping an arm around him. “whatever you say.”

[randomthingsicameupwith]

yandere c!ConnorEatsPants

(i just dont see enough yandere fanfics of him soo... and i dont watch dsmp anymore so its probably gonna be ooc im so sorry and english isnt my first language!)

DISCLAIMER: YANDERES AND STALKERS ARE BAD AND I DO NOT CONDONE THEM!! AND HEAVILY INSPIRED BY @/love-like-thorns THEIR REALLY GOOD

TW: KIDNAPPING, HEAD SLAMMING, YANDERE STUFF, SUPERIORITY COMPLEX

Honestly, Connor just seemed like a guy who’s insecure and jokes around by putting himself above others, well, even you don't know if he's joking or not and that's nothing compared to some people. So you decided to befriend him! Which was the worst mistake of your entire life.. You talked almost regularly with him, exploring places and just going on fun adventures with each other. Yes, it can get a little dull at times. You kept hanging out with the same person over and over, but you didn't mind.

Connor just thought that he and you were destined to be partners. I mean, can you blame him? Your looks and personality, and the way you acted towards him, were perfect; you're meant for him. He's the main character, and you're the love interest! It was all perfect! I mean, he already has feelings for you, and now he just needs to be patient and you just need to realize your love interest and get those feelings back.

However, he did notice something between you and the others. You talked to them like you talked to him! Defending them, hanging out with them, complimenting them—that's everything you're supposed to do for only him, not them. He winced at the thought of you just doing whatever you did with him with other people. Can't people just see that you are his? And can't you just see that you are his? I mean, he had every single aspect you liked about them, but a thousand times better! Humor? Looks? Personality? He has all of that; he was the only good choice. Not like you’d even have choices other than him by what he would do to them. 

He would purposely steal and break things and blame it all on you. something valuable they just talked to you about? Stolen. a gift they gave you? Broken. And if that wasn’t enough, he would be mean to everyone, publicly making fun of their insecurities and vulnerable spots, justifying it by saying it was a joke, and forcing you to agree. even if you don't.

   And everything would fall into place; everyone would avoid you, except Connor, of course. leaving your focus only on him. And as expected, you confess your feelings to him.

   You two would go on dates almost every day and talk to each other 24/7, to the point where Connor even asked you to move in with him, which you politely declined.

   Until one day, that is. You wanted to break up with him. He was just being too pushy in general; he basically has no concept of privacy; one time while you were changing your clothes, he just went in without knocking; you even found a box filled with stuff you thought you had lost and polaroids of you that you didn't even know he had taken; and he was just being too possessive with you. You were done with him. So for your last date, you decided to go flower picking with him.

You went in early to the place to better prepare yourself, and he eventually showed up. You two sat in the grass, just sitting and picking the flowers; he occasionally made jokes, and you did too. You noticed he only picked your favorite, which was sweet of him, but that wasn’t going to make you stay. You finally decided to tell him. "Um, Connor?" There was no going back, you thought. You felt like you just ran a marathon with how fast your heart was beating and how much you sweated. "Yeah?" 

"I wanna break up," you said. You stood up, holding the flowers as tightly as possible, using them as some sort of stress ball. The silence in the air was deafening. All the birds that were chirping just suddenly stopped; it's like they knew how awkward and sad it was and just stopped.

For what seemed like an eternity, he stood up too. "No," he said. You never heard his words so firm before; they scared you. "I-Connor, you can't just say n-," he cut you off. Grabbing your wrists tightly, hurting you. "We're not breaking up. You should know that. We're never going to break up," he said, his gaze fixed on you. This was the most scared you've ever been in your whole life. His glare and voice stabbed you, not to mention how much his grip hurt you. "C-Connor, it hurts," you said softly. I was hoping he’d let go. which he didn't. 

You tried running away, but you couldn't; his grip was making you stay. He yanked on your wrists, causing you to trip. You fell on all fours on the grass, and your hand hit a rock hard. It hurt, but it didn't matter; you needed to run. Your eyes were pricking with tears. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice not as firm as before, reaching his hand out. Your wrist and hand hurt as if someone dropped a brick on them. "Fuck you!" you shouted at him.

You looked behind you and quickly ran with all of your energy. running and running through the once peaceful place, until you tripped again. Hitting a stupid rock Your eyes finally gave up, and tears started streaming  down your face. Your knees hurt badly, but you knew you needed to run.

He looked down at you, panting with that glare again. You tried to run again, your body tingling with desperation. sobbing like nothing before. You tried to prop yourself up, saying, "Stay still, bitch," as he head-slammed you into the grass as hard as he could. Knocking you out.

--

Panic and hysteria were flowing through his body the second he slammed his head into you. What did he just do? His body was basically on autopilot until this point; what was he supposed to do with you knocked out? You already wanted to break up with him; doing this would probably make you hate him. He looked at your body, wondering what he should do. Until an amazing thought occurred to him. Well, it wasn’t really amazing, but it was something. It could work. He could just make you unwillingly live with him, and then Stockholm syndrome kicks in and does its thing. He offered you to live with him; he’s somewhat prepared.

He carries you all the way back to his house. hoping no one noticed him. Once he finally went back inside and plopped you down on his bed, he felt so many emotions at once. Mostly denial. Because, fuck, he did it. He followed through on it. He takes a minute to mentally scold and prepare himself. He takes off all your clothes except your shirt and underwear. He quickly grabbed whatever duct tape he could find to tie you up to his bed. I'm hoping you don’t wake up soon. He's a little disappointed in you. If you just hadn't broken up with him, this wouldn’t have happened. But look at you now.

[hom3stuck-d41ly]

John: Answer chums.

TT: I'm working on the bathroom. TT: But we are running low on Build Grist. EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!!! TT: I see. TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game? EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do! TT: I think it's very likely. TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end. TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous. TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm. TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable. EB: wow, FASCINATING. EB: ?????? TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms. TT: Try using the lathe. TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that. EB: ok i'll do that. TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel. TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar. TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair. TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough. TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 --

TG: i heard you got the box TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon TG: hey where are you EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare. EB: TT is breaking everything in my house. TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!!! EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something. EB: in the sky. EB: heading right for my house!!!!!!!! TG: oh man TG: how big is it EB: i dunno. EB: big, i guess. EB: i gotta go! EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up. TG: like the size of texas TG: or just rhode island TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir TG: OH SHIT TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir TG: OH SHIT TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick TG: OH SNAP TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter TG: you mean like the planet? TG: yeah TG: well its that big sir TG: hmm that sounds pretty big TG: i have a question TG: is it jupiter? TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter TG: OH SHIT TG: anyway later

> John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe.

[oswednesday]

the first dream was like, i was at a pool party Already pretty scary! and having a good time despite all that when the Cops show up and the whole thing is my middle brother had killed someone in a really extreme sort of way and i got to yell at my mom about all the times i begged for anyone to intervene and get him help with anything and now we're here instead i woke up like wugh, fed the cats sipped some water went to the bathroom then fell back asleep

the second one was i was like in a queerplatonic thing with one of the artists i watch vlogs of, i dont Think i feel anything for them in the Real but maybe i do? it might have been just someone selected to make this dream like Work? or maybe i think theyre cute but wasnt really thinking about it?? ah! handwave to be back on topic, i got a headkisses and Stuff and i was holding tight to the gift and they were all like youre only with me for the Stuff arnt you like teasing and i was like no of course not heres the reasons why <-but that kind of thing my one once really close ex-friend would do like oh youre a parasite (despite defending me publically when other people would say that!) then we got back to eat at their place and it was pizza which i have a complicated relationship so i was like okay got to eat fast but i could sense that despite the date thing being set up the way it was that i was overstaying my welcome their partner came in and started to talk to me and that was nice in the dream but the dream!artist was getting aggro about it in the way this ex-friend always wanted me over when her boyfriend was around but we were NEVER allowed to interact, like she was always like on me about what i wore and how i was sitting and things like that like ??? so i recognize that this dream i was processing those feelings in like a much cooler environment and maybe some Im Jealous Of This Person I Dont Know shaking out of my system

the third dream i was participating in like a cross country event (something i did in my tiny youth because i thought it meant we would travel and had no adult in my life to say otherwise or give a shit about what i was signing up for like i was in 1-3 grade age range is how much of not a shit was given about me level of neglect here) but i got lost and it was miserable hot and buggy and i built up the courage to ask a bunch of kids playing on the side walk if they could go get their parents for me who came out and i asked if they had any deet and they were like oohh youre doing the marathon and they got stuff out and a drink and the commotion brought both neighbors out and i got snacks too and everyone was like congratulations! you can do it! and so galvanized i was back at it and there were a lot of people i was avoiding in like a Gut Check sort of way who wanted to walk with me like thisll turn into a gorn if you do that! kind of warning

then the route cut through a school building that was like an amalgamation of all the schools i ever been to and i was hanging out with two girls who i think we could have been friends if i was the way i am now back when i was younger we were always like adjacent friends but like how much i was neglected along with my behaviors and desire to scrap barrels prevented us from being closer and we talked about that in the dream like ghost of christmas past but ghost of high school past sort of style i suppose gfgdfg

then i was at a setting i dream of sometimes its a little like a fusion space stage, theatre that was large and accommodating desire in my head, the nightmare tends to be not that i dont know my lines but there simply isnt enough time to, i cant find my booklet and i dont know when i go on and i know no one will assist me, but in this one that one ex-friend i mentioned was uncharacteristically helpful with that and we were hanging out with a girl i knew from a different school reading like horoscope stuff and being like #homestuck about it and when we went on we did like improv basically to the circumstances and that faded into like i was a detective but sometime the detective's partner when i was the partner it was like oh god what are my lines situation when i was the detective i was like exploring the area making like Decisions like do i jump in the water to grab these documents do i wander these back alley markets alone? they were lovely pumpkin falls stuff but my phone was full and i had no money and one of the table clerks looked like one of the old men in my child life who were weird perverts to me that my dad and his then girlfriend allowed (like it was her dad) so i just let him talk at me and ignored my discomfort but it wasnt inappropriate talk it was about his wife and his like gourd garden

while this was all going on it was Also interjected with me sitting in like a townhall sort of meeting of like politicians and people who are like Go Team about politics and they were talking and i finally interjected in this big speech that i didnt flub up once and then after i was done i just left into the hall where the theater was, like this great wide hall with white tile the whole thing glowed like from the ceiling lights like the interior of a mid00s scifi shoot

then the final dream was this really involved like magical system where i was attending school and i had like two friends we got sent to like an Untamed Reality and made friends with the Monsters after foiling some scheme and when we got back to our reality like the school we tried to enroll into someone like rich kid rival had been spreading rumors about us, but we had to attend a different school cause despite saving the world or whatever we got exiled/expelled/outlaws from all the damage we did but we had to like get back in to get training so we would be able to stand a chance against the Big Bad but the headmaster of this school was fine with me he wasnt fine with my friends in like a Ew What Are Those bigotry sort of way (one was a snail operating like a humanoid mech suit) and another was like a wood elf but wood elves were more animaloid like shifting beast parts on the body depending on the local fauna and i was like a Wizard from a Respectable Family fallen from Gracecore and i was like well fuck you whatever lets go see if the bloodmages let us in their school, and these ones were like the war/battlemages and he was like one second wait at leeeeast try out our entrance exam as a way to trap us cause he realized the last second he could at least get some money out of us as ransom to different parties or like kill us and get a reward

but when the monsters came out it was like the wood elf knew how to deal with like a savage war hound and had it like on its back tail wagging ready for pets and then a troll came out and we were like hey is he even paying you? yeah man you should be getting paid, and we broke like the magic dome up and out of the area and thats where That dream ended

my final dream was like being stuck in like a hoarder room but i was doing something lewd in front of a mirror despite that, well! then i woke up and was like! okay ! <-starts my day

[savethepinecones]

ive got asthma. i run across a crosswalk and i end up wheezing for a good ten minutes. i dont have much stamina or speed and my asthma limits my ability to even improve these. i have an inhaler that im supposed to use multiple times per day and another one that i use whenever my breathing gets bad.

ive had the asthma since i was a baby, but because i wasnt very active (i was more of a music kid than a sports kid), for a long time it didnt have much of an impact on my life. for a solid chunk of my childhood i more or less forgot i had it at all. sure i would get winded easily but thats normal when youre out of shape right? i never excercised so it must just be that.

in the past several years, though, its gotten worse. wildfires affected air quality in my area and i started to occasionally have trouble breathing just from being outside for too long. i finally went to a doctor and got an inhaler (i hadnt bothered to get one in years since i used it so rarely and even if i didnt my breathing would sort itself out. eventually). currently ive got one that im supposed to use multiple times a day and another that i carry with me to use if i get winded while im out and about. even with these, i still cant run much without it affecting my breathing. i dont especially enjoy running so im not too upset by the lack of it in my life but its frustrating that i cant do it on the occasion that i want or need to do so.

ive had a similar journey with my mental health. i ignored it as a kid, convinced myself everything was fine and normal, until i eventually had to admit to myself that that wasnt the case. what most people considered a brisk walk or light jog was more like running a marathon for me. i only worked parttime for years until i was able to get on antidepressants because i knew fulltime would be too much for me without them. when i did start taking meds, it was still difficult but technically possible.

i managed to keep my pace up for two years before i hit a limit i couldnt force myself to push through. whether id finished the marathon or not, i couldnt keep running. so i took a break. i sat down on a bench, drank some water, and waited for my breathing to slow as i watched others run past, going at a similar speed to what id been keeping, but barely looking winded. i knew i wouldnt be able to return to my previous pace. even once my breathing evened out, i was still exhausted. and i couldnt just will that exhaustion away. i tried anyway. once my lungs had stopped hurting, i stood up and started running again. my legs still ached and my breathing quickly worsened but i had to keep moving so i ignored as much as i could and endured the rest. i stopped several times to take a break but i didnt allow myself to sit again. this went on for maybe two weeks before my legs gave out and i had to find another bench.

since then ive been catching my breath. letting my burning limbs rest. i decided that once i was well and truly ready to start running again, i would go slow enough that i could keep a steady pace without wearing myself out. i probably wont work fulltime ever again.

ive more or less caught my breath but my legs are killing me so even though i want to keep moving, im going to go slow. im walking slowly, gradually picking up the pace while being careful not to push myself too hard. its difficult. im not used to acknowledging my limits. i spent two decades thinking that as long as i didnt collapse i was fine. i hadnt allowed myself to slow whenever my breathing became labored. my lungs would ache but i would continue on my sprint regardless. sometimes i still push myself too hard. other times i think im not running fast enough. i catch myself thinking that even if i cant run like everyone else is, i should do as much as i can. i should determine what my limit is and stay just a hair below that speed. its not comfortable, but this has never been comfortable, so what does that matter?

no, i tell myself. your comfort matters. go at whatever speed works for you. i repeat this to myself as i continue to walk. sometimes i jog a little. im surprised to find it enjoyable. ive always been too exhausted to enjoy the run. still, everyone else maintains the same speed theyve had from the start. they look at me walking and criticize me for not running seriously. some say ive had enough time to catch my breath, so i should get back to sprinting now. i tell them i dont think i should. they say im not trying hard enough.

sometimes i look at the people running past and feel guilty for not keeping pace. like ive let myself down somehow. i remind myself that this isnt a race, its more of a jogging path. im allowed to walk if i need to. people run past, scoffing at me for giving up. i havent given up, i want to tell them. im still walking. still making progress.

someone grabs my arm, pulling me forward. forcing me to match their speed. i know theyre trying to help me, but im tripping over my feet in my struggle to keep up. theyre struggling too, i can tell, but they wont allow themselves to stop or slow. you need to do better, they tell me. tiredness is no excuse. i dont know how to explain to them that i passed tired long ago. i pull my arm away. i cant keep up with you. and thats okay. no its not, they tell me. you must run like the rest of us. walking isnt even close to good enough. they run ahead. i jog for a few minutes, enjoying the run, then stop at a bench for a water break. i begin walking again. i remind myself that thats enough.

[pesterloglog]

Rose Lalonde, John Egbert, Dave Strider

Act 1, page 204

TT: I'm working on the bathroom.

TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.

EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!!!

TT: I see.

TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?

EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do!

TT: I think it's very likely.

TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end.

TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous.

TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.

TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.

EB: wow, FASCINATING.

EB: ??????

TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.

TT: Try using the lathe.

TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that.

EB: ok i'll do that.

TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.

TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar.

TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair.

TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough.

TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 --

TG: i heard you got the box

TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you

TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way

TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you

TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon

TG: hey where are you

EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare.

EB: TT is breaking everything in my house.

TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game

TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether

EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!!!

EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something.

EB: in the sky.

EB: heading right for my house!!!!!!!!

TG: oh man

TG: how big is it

EB: i dunno.

EB: big, i guess.

EB: i gotta go!

EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up.

TG: like the size of texas

TG: or just rhode island

TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us

TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG

TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir

TG: OH SHIT

TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir

TG: OH SHIT

TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick

TG: OH SNAP

TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter

TG: you mean like the planet?

TG: yeah

TG: well its that big sir

TG: hmm that sounds pretty big

TG: i have a question

TG: is it jupiter?

TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter

TG: OH SHIT

TG: anyway later

[quirklessidiot]

Title: ghosted [coward series au] Pairing: F!Reader x Miya Atsumu Genre: fluff, mild angst, expecting parents au

Synopsis: an alternate timeline where instead of breaking up over the phone, you break down and tell him you’re pregnant instead.

Warnings: mentions of abortion and early pregnancy

notes; probably would recommend to read the series but yall can read it as it is. also can i say this is also my favorite side story haha...and that is it, thank you for tuning in to coward, it has been one heck of a ride and yall have been so supportive ily all fr. If yall are interested send some drabbles, im accepting until eight uwu :3

read the series here!  [ ss;; one, two, three, four ]

Ghosted.

Atsumu has been ghosted by his own girlfriend.

He doesn’t want to believe it, it was just so odd coming from you. He wants to ask around but you were never exactly close with anyone, he didn’t even know the name of the best friend that you’d mention from time to time or your family.

In that moment, he had the frightening realization.

He never knew you at all.

The blonde feels sick to the bone, he’s reduced to a hot mess these days. People telling him to move on, telling him that there are other better ones out there but Atsumu never wanted anyone else. It’s always been about you ever since that day he saw you.

Just you.

He feels light headed at the fact that he just lost one of the best things he had in life. That he’ll never find someone like you again, someone as patient or as loving as you.

The lump on his throat grows and he wants to yell out his frustrations in the walls of his quiet apartment but something stops him. 

A phone call.

From an unknown number.

He gulps down his frustrations and shakily answers the call, ready to tell the other person to fuck off but when he hears your soft voice, all inhibitions are lost.

“Atsumu.” your usual calm voice filled his ears and he suddenly feels the weight of the world is removed from his shoulders, thank god you were okay.

“Y/N? sweetheart? Where are you?”

“Out.”

“Where outside exactly?” Miya Atsumu dryly asks, “It’s cold, you shouldn’t be out now and wandering about. Would you like me to pick you up-”

“I can’t do this anymore.” you suddenly cut him off and the line goes quiet. The blonde feels the world around him quiet down when he hears those words that he wished he heard wrong.

“What’s-what’s wrong? Y/N, are you alright?” 

“I don’t know,” You mutter, “I’m just tired.”

“Tired of what exactly?”

“Of you, of us…”

“Y/N, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” 

“Yes.” Your voice remained dead calm as if you just hadn’t broken his heart in a million pieces that moment, “Let’s stop this here now, Atsumu. Let’s break-up.”

“That’s…” He tries to keep the mood light, praying that this is one of your dark jokes, “That’s not funny, Y/N.”

“It’s not supposed to be since it’s not a joke.”

Your response was curt as usual and he doesn’t know whats worse, the fact that you’re breaking up over the phone or the fact that your tone remains composed.

“Y/N, don’t do this...Sweetheart don’t do this over the phone.” His tone seemed desperate at this point, he knows he sounds pathetic but he can’t help it. If begging was the only way to get you back next to him, he’d gladly do it. He’s desperate for you, he’s always been since the beginning, “I’m not stopping this until you tell me what's wrong between us, you have to give me something to work with Y/N. Is it something I did?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean ya don’t know?” Atsumu started to raise his tone when he notices how unaffected you seem at the other line.Frustration slowly started to bubble up in him, the accent turning thicker as he got angrier, “Y/N ya can’t just disappear out of the blue and call me one day and tell me you want to break up! Do you think I’m some sort of fling? Some one-night stand or fuck buddies? We’ve been together for two years, Y/N. Two whole fucking years, What’s wrong? Do you not love me anymore?”

Silence filled the line that you could hear a pin drop.

Hesitance. 

“Y/N?” he repeats your name, this time softer, he notices the ragged breathing on the other side of the line, something was wrong, “Y/N? What’s wrong? Please talk to me...”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Y/N?”

This was out of character, even for you.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.” 

“Y/N? Sweetheart, What do you mean?” He feels weak when he hears those words, his anger slowly dissipating. You truly did sound tired on the other line, maybe it was really over. Maybe he should let you go.

Maybe he should stop being a selfish and desperate bastard, he'd only hurt you more if he continued this on.

“I…” he hears a very soft cry on the other line, “I’m pregnant.”

All he hears now is your cries and the fast beating of his heart, pregnant? You were pregnant?

“A-and its alright...It’s alright if you want to have nothing to do with the kid...I-I’ll find a way…” He hears you try to say on the other line as he grips his phone tight, was that why you ran away last week? For this? Atsumu lets out a shaky sigh as he hears the usual calm voice panicking and completely out of breath as if you’d just run a marathon, “...I-I-”

“Breath.” He cuts you off, his voice turning deadly calm.

You’re not sure if you should be scared or relieved by it.

“W-what?”

“Breathe for a moment and tell me where you are.” Atsumu grabs his coat and wallet, “I can’t let my pregnant girlfriend stay under the cold for too long. Let’s grab something to eat, yeah? Don’t pregnant women have cravings or some shit? You really like those red buns we got when we first hung out, right? Or that karaage chicken? There's a twenty four hour one nearby my place then you can have a hot bath and sleep here after, you still have your clothes with me.”

The blonde’s tone is nonchalant as if you just hadn’t dropped life-changing news moments ago.He finally hears the sniffles die down, “Aren’t you going to leave me?”

“Now why the fuck would I do that? I’ve been chasing after you since I first saw you. A kid ain’t going to scare me.” He grumbled, he wasn’t a wimp. Kids? Pft, bring it on, “Now where are ya, Y/N? I miss you and you have to bring me to your next doctor's appointment, I swear to god-”

“I’m at the park…” You breathe out, cutting him off as relief slowly spreads on your system, “Where we went on our first date.”

Atsumu feels his heart thump, well, what do you know. You had some theatrics up your sleeve too.

“Hey.” He softly calls out, as he exits his apartment and walks towards his destination, the cold not even bothering him the slightest because he was going to see you, “Wait for me there.”

“I-I will.”

“And I love you, you know that right?” Atsumu paused, the thought of having kids now was scary but if you chose to keep it, he wouldn’t mind. He’d be the best otosan and husband     if you changed your mind     he could be towards you and that unborn brat, “I love you too damn much, Sweetheart. So don’t ever forget me when you’re making these decisions.”

“I won’t.” He hears a loud sigh on the other line, as if a huge burden was released, “I...I love you too damn much too…”

Atsumu feels his brain short circuit as he hears those words from you out loud, a grin started to slowly make its way to his features as he started to sprint towards the park, “Look behind ya, sweetheart.” He exclaims through the phone when he finally sees your familiar figure facing him.

You turn around to face him and he sees the red nose and wet cheeks.

It was evident that you had been crying hard.

Ending the call and shoving the phone back in his pocket, he runs towards you instead and carefully tackles you into a hug.

“Please don’t scare me like that again.” He pleads, burying his face on your shoulders and seeping in your warmth, “Shit, I wouldn’t know what I’d do if you left me.”

You slowly and hesitantly hug him back with the same tightness, finally succumbing to his warmth. 

This was nice.

You could get used to this.

Home, this was definitely what home felt like.

taglist [officially closed, ily all, this series would never be possible without all you people + other readers]

@fortheloveofiwaizumi​ ;  @svtbitch​  ; @kiyoomile​ ; @lovedanii​​ ; @juno-multifandom​​ ; @gyubit17​​ ; @saeranoppa​​ ; @nixxona​​ ; @kyomihann​​ @shorttstackk​​ ; @intoomuchfandoms​​ ; @yammmers​​ ; @mx-minxx​​ @itsmattsunshinehere​​ ; @missingmystogan​​ ; @volleybloop​​ ; @imcravingyou​​ ; @yams-wants-that-booty ; @liathachcapricious​​ ; @pinknugget​​ @seikamuzu​​ ; @marigoldthoughts​​ ; @sillykittt​​ ; @baejinoffcl​​ ; @alluring-akaashi​​ ; @bnhasstuff​​  ; @intheawks​​ ; @bokuakadaily​​ ; @agaassi​​ ; @yams046​​  ; @dope-squish ; @chrisrue15​​ ; @vermillionwaves​​ ; @demursv1ogs​​ ; @just-snog-already ; @angmarwitch​  ; @simpingonothers​ ; @woo-youngs​ ; @cowward​ ; @chaelysian​ ; @sempiternal-amour​ ; @jungshookmeup​ ; @jovialnoise​ ; @karlitabi-rrito​ ; @iwaizluv​ ; @sugarandsoft​ ; @tspice283​ ; @ohshirabu​ ; @syzygymai​ ; @volleybloop​ ; @oikaw-ugh​ ; @pockytokyo​ ;  @differentballooncollection​ ;  @keniloveshaikyuu​ ; @turquoiselace​ ; @playboygeniusphilanthropist​ ;   @keijislut​ ; @notyourbitchboy​​

@misosamu  @Etherynaw  @ryaaaax @allysasteaparty   @mikaashi  @brownie0food @ph10xy  @Chocolaterumble [hi, i can’t seem to tag u guys, i think you need to open your tags uwu]

[quolant]

11, 19, or 28 for cj/toby or any ship if you don’t feel comfortable with writing them!!!

also i JUST REALIZED YOURE ALSO DESI AND IM FREAKING OUT i have no idea why tww attracts so many desi girls but i love it so much... also you’re one of my favorite writers in the fandom!!! atwixt was fucking amazing and i love the press sec au to pieces- especially rewind- so i just wanted to thank you and tell you!!!

aw omg thank you!!!!! ur incredibly sweet!!! and yea desi ppl unite! here's no 11! i hope u don't mind but i made it a sports night/sports reporting au, bc i feel like cj and toby totally have an energy similar to that show, and im sort of on a SN kick. hope u like it :)

The first time Toby showed up, CJ was annoyed and hot off the presses with the fact that the Olympic coverage was being cut, which was awful and stupid for an infinite amount if reasons especially since — wait for it! — Sports Night had crept from number 3 to number fucking 2 in the ratings. They were the second best national sports show and it was CJ's show. The network was trying to cut their budget again, which incidentally included letting go of people — she wasn't letting that happening. These were her people and she wae their field captain, leading them to the goal. So — game, set, match.

Leo told her he was sending over a sports statistician and a research analyst which — fine. Whatever. But when nothing happened the week of that meeting with Leo and Robert Ritchie from CSC she waited. And waited.

It was during a rundown meeting. She was ignoring how Josh and Sam were not-flirting through banter again, which she'd tolerated since Sam was a fresh journalism grad from Princeton and she and Josh were at their first jobs at DC Sports. CJ told herself that maybe, one day they'd realize some sense and do something about it (or Donna would figure something out. Probably), but it was really only to make herself feel better. Charlie made a comment that made her rethink their report on the Giants and also made her infinitely thankful for Charlie Young.

His interview for the junior associate producer job had been interrupted by Sam, who Josh had dragged away with a apologetic, boyish grin, with CJ staring daggers at them both.

Anyway, they'd wrapped talking about the Olympics and a feature about the Mets which predictably, Josh and no one else was excited about, and then —

"Toby Ziegler's coming," Donna said at the end, writing something on her paper pad.

CJ felt her eyebrows crunch together. "Toby Ziegler. Am I supposed to know who that is? Because —"

And then Toby Ziegler showed up with his goddamn messenger bag and derailed everything.

"Who the hell —" CJ said, coming after him. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

He stared at her with a flat look. "I'm a research analyst. I specialize in ratings."

"I'm aware, since you thoroughly eviscerated our show. You made Sam mope. Sam Seaborn doesn't mope."

"Is Sam the one that runs his mouth like a marathon? Or the one that likes to use a lot of ten dollar words and looks like he belongs in a high rise somewhere?"

"The —" She resisted the urge to say something about how accurate the descriptions were. "The second one."

"I'm also a sports statistician," he added, still flat and then, like an afterthought: "Sam seems young."

"He's thirty-one. And you're just full of surprises aren't you? I got a two for one deal here."

"Your point?"

"My point is that if you're rocking the boat, I'm rocking back. I've ran this show for three years — we're number 2 — and I'm not losing that."

Toby pinched his nose. "Look, before this, I was happily educating young minds at Columbia. Then Leo, who, incidentally, is someone that I consider a friend, called me up to take a look at things here — "

"Oh, so we're what — a detour? Your local pit stop —"

"I — no. Look —"

CJ made them go to the Editing room. She set her hands on her hips. "You're going to tell me your deal and we're working out a plan.'

"A plan?"

She studied him. "A plan."

"If it helps, I also detest Robert Ritchie," he said, with that same flat, near-sarcastic tone, but the crow's feet around his eyebrows deepened. CJ blinked, and then took a moment to breathe.

"That... helps."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

It wasn't great at first. Toby stole Sam and Donna's script at some point on a show the next week to make corrections without warning, leaving Josh squawking next to CJ while Charlie pressed his palms to his eyes and quietly groaned. Then there was the fact that Toby and Josh got along as well as a house that was literally on goddamn fire (i.e. not well), which didn't help since Josh was senior associate producer and generally CJ'S right hand man — but then Toby had turned around on the network after they'd offered him Leo's job with the equivalent of a fuck you.

And Toby was smart — irritatingly so — he had predictions on the Knicks and the Dodgers and the Wizards (...soccer? soccer??) that he could back up with data and dry wit — and then they turned out to be right. He picked up things even though it looked like he was bored out of his mind.

At a rundown meeting, they were wrapping up when CJ peered at Toby, who'd been scribbling something the whole time. On a newspaper. She set her hands on the table, as everyone started clearing out, before she mentioned: "Toby?"

"Yeah?"

"I heard that 9 down in the Times today is botanical."

"I'm actually doing a sudoku puzzle, CJ."

"Hey," Sam started. "I'm a fan of — hey!" He looked at Josh, who was crossing his arms and had probably kicked him under the table.

"Toby?" CJ asked.

"Yeah?"

"You want to say something? You know we're sitting here, we're talking, it's one of those things called a meeting —"

"The Ravens need a better defense, Charlie needs to find that tape from UMichigan, you're still gunning to get more people and coverage in Sydney, and if Josh keeps going on LemonLyman.com, you're shoving a motherboard up his ass. Which — completely justified. How does he even have fans anyway? He's never on camera."

"Toby, actually —" Josh began, but then jolted a little like he was in pain, like he'd been kicked under the table. He glared at Donna, who shrugged, but as soon as he turned away, a small smile curled on her face.

Toby peered at her. "Did I get the gist?"

CJ didn't say anything for a moment. Toby wasn't really smiling, he didn't do that, but his mouth was twitching and it was —

She sighed. "Everyone, leave, we — we've got to lock things down."

Toby was the last to go. She stood up, and it waa just them in the meeting room. "So. You do listen over sudoku."

"It's my job."

"Right." CJ looked for something to say but couldn't find it. There was something here that was new, and strange, but — but not unwelcome. She hadn't thought about anyone in months, not with Sports Night becoming bigger and bigger, but now —

Toby cleared his throat. "CJ?"

"Yeah," CJ said, taking off her glasses and pushing a hand through her hair. "Yeah, ok. Let's go do the show."

The — whatever it was between them stayed. A few months passed. Josh amd Sam were still in their strange limbo. Donna mentioned how she was picking up running and was getting pretty good at it. Charlie was promoted from junior associate to associate producer. Toby and CJ still circled — not warily, not quite. It was something else. Something new. One day, they were talking about ratings and how to raise them, and the conversations flowed like water, a push and pull that felt — good.

After, CJ set down her glasses. "You want to get a drink?"

Toby looked at her. "A... drink."

"Alcohol. I like cosmopolitans, Sam likes —"

"No, I — Sure."

It was the first time she'd brougt him to the Hawk 'n' Dove after the show wrapped up. Josh was still grumpy, (but warming up after Toby mentioned something about the Mets and spring training) but everyone else greeted them with grins and raised glasses.

It was — good. Seeing the almost-almost-surprise on Toby's face was worth it. CJ grinned at him. "Guess you're here, with us now."

Instead of quipping back, Toby just looked at her with something that she couldn't figure out but at it, something shifted in her chest. Tipped over. Her face went hot and —

Then Ainsley from Legal was starting a story about her last job, and everyone went to listen. Toby blinked and went too. CJ looked after him, before sipping at her drink.

And then — it happened.

CJ blinked. "You're kidding. You're absolutely, unequivocally kidding. Leo."

"CJ, if I say it again, it's not less true." Leo looked at her, flipping through a file folder. "You're going to Sydney for the Olympics. With a team."

"Can I take Sam and Donna?"

"One of them," Leo said. "The network's not that lenient. The day that happens, the damn sky's falling down."

CJ did a little dance, right there in Leo's office. She expected him to raise an eyebrow, but he gave her a near imperceptible smile.

"How?" she asked. I mean, two months ago, they were yanking us and cutting corners left and right."

"You can ask Toby," Leo said, scanning some paperwork. "He went in with them, and then he came out, and now you and I are here." He took off his glasses. "He's good at what he does, CJ."

And then — it hit her.

"He is," she said, a little faint and left.

Toby'a office was cloistered away from Josh and Charlie's shared workplace, a notch in the hallway. When CJ came in, he was on his computer, scratching at his beard.

"You," she started.

He raised an eyebrow. "...me? Should we bring in other nouns? I can add a modifer, maybe."

"You —" and then it fell out of her mouth. "You owe me a kiss."

His eyes went wide. "CJ—"

His voice was — gruff, but held a quiet sweetness that wrapped around her ribs like ivy. She crossed her arms, stared at him head on. "You owe me a kiss, frankly, because of how you got me coverage. And your — your whole deal. All your not-smiles that're actually smiles. The way you just — stormed in that one day and burrowed your way in. Like a gopher."

He seemed at a loss for words, but got up anyway. Then, Toby said, voice a little hoarse, a little low: "A... gopher."

"A —" CJ moved closer, closer. "You're a lot of things."

"I — yes. I guess so." He moved closer.

"Statistician and ratings analyst? That makes quite a pair." They were breathing the same air, this time, this moment. CJ felt her heart pulse, like it was right under her skin.

"I double majored in when I was in undergrad. It had a lot of options. Maybe too many."

"I'll guess statistics and communications."

He leaned in — and for a moment, CJ thought he'd kiss her. But all Toby said was, unbearably tender, eyes dark and warm: "You're good at guessing."

"It's an educated guess. I'm good at a lot of things," CJ murmured, and then leaned forward to close the distance between them.

[wavesmp3]

directors cut: oasis

[doing this entirely for myself, out of pure self indulgence lol] [this will be very messy/poorly organized and there will be spoilers]

okay so where to even begin omg..... we will start with the origins of oasis:

its actually, techinically a spin off of the world from this drabble with dino from svt. which the world in this drabble is what the world from oasis would look like very far in the future. but i changed a lot between writing that drabble and creating oasis. but there should be a scene in the drabble that is very similar to a part in oasis (hint: the first vision they got from saskila was not just a random vision with no meaning.......hehe)

but that drabble (its titled dreamscapes) was inspired by a mix of this post on tumblr about how nuclear waste warning signs sounded very cool and the book that i was reading called the children of blood and bone by tomi adeyemi

and then after i had made that drabble i saw dee’s (@/atbzkingdom’s) post about the time capsule collab, and i had a couple ideas of what i could do for it but i ultimately decided on what would eventually become oasis !! so i guess we really have dee and that collab to thank for this piece lol

now for the timeline of me writing:

so i started outlining this piece in the first couple days of january, and normally outlines take me a while to come up with just because i struggle in coming up with plot, but i knew that my spring semester of classes would be starting soon and that I didn’t have a lot of time so i just sort of grinded an outline out as well several paragraphs of pure worldbuilding. 

and then i started writing

and wow i was Really writing!! at my peak productivity i was easily getting down like 2k a day which for me is insane (for reference, i wrote 1k a day for tsiytt and i struggled my way through that) 

but then life happens classes had begun and my writing for oasis slowly become nothing... 

i really only found the time to work on the piece every other weekend, so i was really nervous that i wouldn’t finish in time (which technically i didn’t cause it was supposed to come out march 1st) but luckily i did

and at some point in february, i had lost so much of my momentum and motivation for this piece that i almost gave up on it. (at this point i was writing the scenes after they find the seat of wisdom destroyed) but again luckily i did not, but i personally can definitely see a decline in the quality of my writing towards the end (i mean maybe its in my head, but its sort of like i can see the loss of love for the wip in my writing at the end of it)

but don’t misunderstand, i still love oasis!! and in all honesty, i’m already considering starting a second draft to it, which is way sooner than i thought i would lol

also when i started writing this piece, i began writing it in the order that it would be read, but then halfway i switched to writing chronologically

anyways, something i learned while writing this piece, is that writing is a marathon. whereas, even with my longer pieces, i always viewed writing as a sprint. so as i start venturing into original works and more lengthy pieces of writing, i think this was a very valuable lesson for me to have learned.

okay now to the good stuff lol: [the first word of the bullet about the next chapter (?) is bolded for some crumbs of an organized commentary]

so this is jumping to the first past bit... but when i first wrote farah i had a very different plan for her character than who she ended up being. i had imagined that she’d be a lot more cold and a tough love sort of person. so that’s who i was writing when she’s first introduced in the flashback, but she very quickly become a much kinder full of love sort of person. but anyways i mention this because whenever i read that first part and the introduction of her character, i’m always a bit taken aback by how like mean here character is to crown then lol

also zoar !!!! its a terrible place, but i love that underground city

i also wrote the first flashback after i had written the scene where crown and chanhee are talking at his place in andhor, so the whole “fearless” connection was done very purposefully here since i knew how it’d be referenced in the next scene. someone mentioned this small connection in their reblog but i cant remember who 

also rashi is my favorite character xD

i personally think how crown and chanhee became friends (the running thing) is so cute 

this first bit of conversation between crown and chanhee when it switches back to the present and chanhee is giving them a tour of andhor is actually quite important to me, in the sense that its the first glimpse of how their actual relationship works and how they act together and just like their dynamic despite the fact that they havent seen each other in so long 

and yeah i think kyu mentioned this and a few others, but i love how awkward it is when chanhee and crown are in his home in andhor, cause one: they havent seen each other in years! but also: anyone else find going to someone’s place for the first time oddly intimate, like wow you’re opening up your home to me and now suddenly idk how to sit or stand or what to do with my arms... maybe just me LMAO

DUDE i struggled so hard with making it so that chanhee knew how impossible this whole mission was going to be without actually revealing that he knows about the mirror. it was so hard for me, hopefully it came out alright though. if anyone is reading this, did the twist(s) come as a shock to you? did you see it coming? or did it feel like it came out of absolutely no where and not in a good way?

yes i did name the desert after the department store kohls .....

i was so excited to explain all the mage types, i had so much fun writing this whole chapter 

fun fact: there was originally another sub group of psyche mages called dream mages who had like powers with dreams and stuff, but it ended up being irrelevant and really underdeveloped so it took it out

if anyone else was raised catholic or is catholic then i’d hope you recognize the names of all the relics.... i stole them from a prayer in the rosary whoops

it took me very long time to figure out exactly how the whole soul for the relic business would work, and idk if im a 100% satisfied with what it is/how it works/how it plays into rashi giving chanhee the locket

the note new gives crown.... the first slice of their friendship blooming, bro i eat that shit up 

this part where crown and rashi are talking after the lesson is actually one of my favorites. (like i said i love rashi, but i just really love her interreacting with crown, i think they have such an interesting dynamic and one that i’ve seen irl a lot between students and teachers, where the student adores the teacher... i’ll get more into this later) but moving on, i like it for a number of reasons. one: it’s the first time we as readers get to see rashi talk outside of her role as lesson master. two: i love crown getting this validation from rashi. it’s not really expanded on a lot, but crown’s magic is definitely a bit of an insecurity for them, in the way that they don’t feel like it belongs to them. but here rashi comes, this person that crown looks up to so much, and telling crown that they’re a bit similar when it comes to having magic. and surprising crown by comforting them. and... idk i just really love this moment for crown.

okay this line: “You call your mom Rashi?” is a lowkey reference to game plan,, if anyone knows what i’m talking about then please come clown me for nearly having the entire movie memorized 

oh, i also find the capital really cool. in my head the capital was always one huge building that contains an entire city but i realized while editing that i never really explained that, so idk if i successfully described the capital as cool as it is to me 

also the five friends part.....CUTE

when chanhee says “i know. i remember.” !!! girl i felt that line with my entire chest. idk why

okay wait this part: “But that knowledge seems to fall flat right now. Because despite everything, curiosity won the war.” i love it so much, its that tiny of sliver of hope that gets me personally

i think this part where crown’s pride is so hurt by no one telling them about chanhee’s healing magic is quite important because its a glimpse of how stubborn and prideful and headstrong of a character they can be 

also this : “ ‘and do you believe everything rashi says’ / without hesitation, you answer, ‘yes, of course’ “ this is another example of how highly crown thinks of rashi while growing up, almost to a fault. to the point where crown thought rashi could do no wrong. which i think is so interesting to think about when contrasted with the fight crown and chanhee have in the jungle where crown is the one discussing how rashi was wrong. i just like how much growth crown has had between all these years. and their opinion / perspective on rashi is one of the largest indicators of that growth. 

I also just really like that paragraph where shadow vs healing is explained... I think chanhee’s magic is so sick

oh also the names thing.... I can’t remember where I got the idea to do that from but im so glad I did. its one of my favorite aspects to this world, and it looks like a lot of other people enjoyed it as well. but apart from the intimacy of it, i love how the use of names affects one’s magic. and that paragraph where they go through all that a mage could do with a name. it gives me chills. just cause.... the possibilities

so many people have mentioned this line.... but I must too, so this part: “magic always comes with a price. this is new’s” ..... crazy

saskila scares me omg

again the first vision they see is not a random scene.... the easter eggs I planted with that mwahaha

yeah that scene where they’re outside the tent discussing who should give their name to saskila..... I love that scene chanhee’s “I don’t have anyone but you” and crown deflecting all that tension with the pinky promise and the saskila calling them lovers.... mwah

this random scene about the hot summer and laying with Farah and new in the gardens is another one of my favorite, it’s just so sweet

but this next scene makes me so sad

like I know what happens and I know that everything turns out okay but I get so scared for crown

yeah just that entire part after Rashi gets to them and when they’re going to the infirmary and before crown passes out... I love that whole part. i think i did an effective job of writing the gravity of that whole moment. cause it makes me a little stunned every time I read it. and I was pretty nervous about not being able to do that scene and that moment justice so I’m glad it turned out like it did

and again this line: magic always comes with a price, and in your case, it comes with several.

okay this part after they jump out of the ship and crown is talking to Chanhee but that other dude is talking too... I hope it’s not too confusing. I really wanted to show through the writing that this was all happening at the same time, but idk it came out well. like in my mind I have such a clear picture of this scene, but I have no clue if I did effective job of showing you guys what I’m seeing through the writing

oh yeah, crowns thing about dual wielding and engulfing the blades in flames.... I find that so cool. they’re so sick for that

yeah also the part where crowns hurt and they give Chanhee their name and they use it.... great moment, but I feel like my writing is a bit lacking here. i just know it could be better.

I think at this point of writing my classes had started, and again the disparity in writing quality is so obvious to me 

but the line where chanhee is describing how it all feels, and it says “chanhee feels golden” was inspired by daylight by taylor swift, theres a line in that song that goes “i used to think love would be burning red, but its golden” and like hello the parallels between that and crown’s fire magic.... something to think about 

so this next part where it’s back to the past and crown is getting in trouble (as crown does) but the part where crown is like asking but not directly asking for rashi’s name.... that part is so crazy to me cause it’s feels so out of place. but it was purposeful. i was trying to show that crown’s growing and that they’re at this weird age where they feel invincible. and also i wanted to put more emphasis on how being royal and the heir to the throne kind of effects the relationships crown has

and the last line of this part when rashi says “never abuse it” it gives me chills whew

the next part ... another part that i had high hopes for in the outlining stages of writing, but when it came to actually writing, this scene totally flopped, i’m gonna try not to dwell on this part too much cause i just know most of my comments will be about how much i don’t like it. but just overall, this scene could have been SO MUCH BETTER !

omg this little interaction: ““Look!” Chanhee deadpans, shooting you a glare. “The match is about to begin.” / “Wish me luck.” /  “I hope you lose.”” i think its so funny and cute

“ Your eyes immediately got to Rashi “ another example of how highly crown regards rashi 

“In Wurltan.” hmmmmmm sus.... *laughs in i love mentioning things that won’t make sense to reader until later*

okay this: “Yes, but not just any mage. I…” your voice trails off, pulling at your fingers and looking anywhere but at him. “I wanted you to know.” i cannot stand these two omg 

okay this part: “Chanhee thinks and overthinks the words spoken between you both. His mind drifts off to last night as well, that moment in the tent where you shared your warmth. He doesn’t even realize he’s staring at you until you give him a funny look. He quickly looks away and wonders if you’re overthinking everything as relentlessly as he is.” this part makes me think about what ina said about how chanhee shows his love by keeping you in his thoughts and YEAH chanhee’s love language in this piece is thinking about you and staring LOL

i hate this next part, not cause i don’t like it or anything it just makes me sad 

but this line: “Like if someone shoved you from behind right now, you wouldn’t push back; you’d let yourself fall straight to the ground.” i actually love that line

also this next entire bit i see SO clearly in mind, i hope i wrote it well enough so that you all saw it clearly too

when chanhee wipes the dirt.... girl i’m wiping my tears 

this line : “We’ll lean on each other.” mini love declaration sighhhhhh

yeah that whole part i love so much 

the seat of wisdom :(((( no!!!!!

so about this line: “He stares at his palms, at all the lies buried under each nail and at all the secrets shoved in every crack. He watches as they all blow up in front of his face.” >> i had like ten different versions of it before i settled on this one lol

okay so the first part of the last past flashback with crown realizing their true feelings... so soft 

news gone, rashis’s dead, :((( it makes me so sad

gosh okay this paragraph..... “I’ve always wondered why the gods blessed me and you the way that they have. They entrusted you with such great power. The only person to be both a healing and shadow mage in centuries. And then,” a tear falls from her eye, “they entrusted you to me.” Chanhee thinks this might be the first time he’s seen Rashi cry. “But now I have reason to believe that this was no accident. I’m beginning to think that the gods have always known it would come to this. And I’m starting,” she falters there, “I’m starting to spite them for it.”  it hurts so bad im sorry 

the first confrontation with harlan took me so long to write, and i’m still not sure if i actually like it, so again i will refrain from commenting lol

but the part where crown screams : “YOU LOST THE MIRROR OF JUSTICE!”  I think i told kyu this but this line makes me laugh because in my head its said the same way bella says: “you nicknamed my daughter after the lochness monster” whenever i see that line i smile lol

honestly this argument scene..... one of my absolute faves,,, everything lina said about it in that reblog just yes!yes!yes!! i can’t even comment about a particular part because all of it i love so much. its another part that leaves me slightly speechless.

but my favorite part of it might be how it ends hehe

these next couple parts were a bit diffucult to write because obviously the air between crown and chanhee is not very light right now so it was just hard to navigate their dynamic at these moments until they apologize but hopefully it turned out alright

i really like this line: “But this moment—with the scent of Harlan’s wine under his nose and the chill of Harlan’s blade against his neck—this moment feels nothing like those. It feels empty.” 

“ Chanhee just stares at you.“ -- staring as a love language exhibit b 

this whole part... chills bro 

“Chanhee exhales because for the first time since this afternoon he looks at your face and sees you.” -- exhibit c ....

okay wait another one of my favorite parts here: the spilled glass metaphor!! again please reference lina’s rb on this because everything said there... could not have said better myself. inspired by this writing advice by ocean vuong and yeah i just think the metaphor speaks for itself, one of my favorite lines (well paragraph) from the entire piece, actually from ALL of my works 

it was so hard to think up all of yumi’s different names, i was struggling

them talking about how farah will be happy to see chanhee...... how do i break it to you crown.....she’s dead...... awkward

red streak q! yesss. also i’m so sorry for killing off farah 

also kyunyu bestiessss

tbh this whole paragraph: “I get this overwhelming burst of honesty. As if what you both speak of is more than just a simple truth, as if it’s a commandant you blindly follow. What’s even odder is that I only feel that burst when you speak of each other.” Q stops walking and turns so that he faces Chanhee directly. “You speak of Crown constantly. And last night, when I met Crown, your title never left from the tip of their tongue. Humans are so simple really. We mention what we love.” Q pauses for a moment, bringing a hand under his chin. “Do you love Crown?” --i wrote it for myself no regrets

oh wait this bit too : “Quietly, Chanhee says, “I know.” / “Have you been watching?” / “I’ve been waiting.” / “For what?” / He meets your eyes. “For you.”” -- sometimes i do things that live rent free in my own mind

okay im so sorry for just quoting myself but this too : “ He sits back slightly. Shocked. Not by his love for you, but rather by how easily love walked into his heart and settled between his lungs “

lol the part where they try fooling q... why are crown and chanhee like this

the running !!!

yeah also every part after that... tears okay

yumi’s magic !!! its so cool to me, i love it so much 

i surprisingly don’t have much to say about the end... i mean i like it, but i just don’t have any comments. the last line tho... good one shawna

okay im done for you sake i hope no one read this lmao 

[shanaraki]

OCTOBER 2TH, 2021.

DAY ONE.

—— I've decided I'm starting a journal. ——

I have never been that good in keeping track or stuff. I get bored, I abandon what I start so easily. It is hard for me to push myself into doing something I don't have the motivation for.

However, I've decided I'm starting a journal. This journal. I feel better writing it online than in paper. When I'm forced into writing it in slow motion with my own hands, I get desperate sooner or later. My mind rushes and the words speed up while my hand is still struggling with the first lines.

I do have a lot to say. About so many things. There are things I'll never write or speak about. The belong in the silence between God and me, the empty spaces where the human mind can't go, that secret and non existence place.

I'm better now.

This imply that I was bad, of course. It's a cycle. I know the bad things won't stop coming, but I like to think that's no reason to stop working on myself. More than a circle this is... A spiral. I'm trying to make this spiral going up. It's hard. Humans can so easily die. It's so simple, so effortless to give up on myself and let the pull of the Earth take me underground. And yet...

I'm better. Not physically. I haven't been sleeping enough or drinking enough water or eating like I should. It's not my body that it's better, it's my mind. I don't disassociate as much these days. I feel present. I feel like I'm my body and not just in my body. I have more energy. I want to do things like clean my hair often and take care of my skin. I want to do exercise, to eat healthier. I feel calm, in my mind, in my thoughts. I need to keep meditating and doing my breathing exercises. They do help a lot.

There are many things I need to work in. My physical health is one of them, but also I need to practice using my phone less. I need to find other things to calm me. I have my paintings, I could practice with them. Or maybe drawing. And of course, there is my thesis.

I've been avoiding my college duties. Again.

I fear the stress or the semester. There's something that's very frustrating to me, and it is feeling like I'm failing at some task while everyone is already many tasks in front of me. Like,,,, hmm,,,, it's like trying on your shoelaces while you're on a marathon. You need to stop and tie them, but if you do you're gonna lose time and they're going to get even farther away, and you're so stressed over it that you're losing concentration, and the shoelaces, and the competitors, and your stress, and— there it goes. It gets worst and worst until you kinda resignate and think "I just need to finish this marathon, just it. I don't want to compete anymore".

There's also the fear of what I'm going to do after I graduate. Work is the obvious answer, right? I should. I want to work. But there's this idea,,,,, listen, sometimes I don't understand people. I'm smart, but not when it comes to normal things or daily skills. The other day I put a candy on the microwave for a minute and I almost burned the microwave.

I don't know how to do any house choirs. Why? Well, because my family tells me I should do them, but the minute I try and do them, they appear and tell me to go away because I'm doing everything wrong.

How am I supposed to learn if I can't practice? But there's still some sort of trauma reaction in me. I fear doing something that can't be fixed while practicing. That's the reason why I fear driving, because I'm terrified of damaging the car (mostly because I don't want to cost extra money to anyone, and I don't have money to buy and less alone fix a car).

So I should work. To gain some money. But let's not talk more about that because I got nervous just by thinking of it.

Aaand I lost track of what I was saying. I'm sleepy. I was supposed to write how today I was better. I downloaded some cool apps, I want to learn how to play the kalimba, I felt pretty today, comfortable, safe. I shouldn't be writing my problems on an online diary but oh well.

This is exactly how my mind works. Now it is bored of writing this and wants to close the tab. I wants to change the song. Meditate. I get bored of things so fast this days. I'm not able to end a whole task if I don't pressure myself for HOURS. I'm better but there's still a long way to go.

I wish I could go to a psychiatrist and finally see if I have anxiety or adhd or if im just overreacting. When I told my psychologist I thought I had anxiety, she told me she would not give me any labels to use, only treat me. I suppose that is good, but a part of my does wish I could know the labels. I don't like when I don't know what is happening. I don't like when I don't have control over the stuff that surrounds me. I don't like being vulnerable or deadly curious.

I haven't been praying that much later, either. I miss my regular contact with God. It makes me feel very lonely and afraid, and very guilty and ashamed. I know many people hate Christians and for a good reason, because many have hurt the whole world with those ideals. And I know for many the way I feel would be silly. I just........ I can't stop believing in him, feeling this way. I want to help others, not by hurting them, but by just standing in silence in the distant with my silly words and silly presence, so if they ever feel lost, they can always find me and sit, talk with me. I love them all. I love humanity so much. It makes me sad. I see the killers and the politians, I see the worst human beings and I think, "I wish you some clarity, I wish you some joy, I wish you to be so full of good things that there's no more evil feelings, just the ability to feel guilty and change, to become a better person".

I'm tired of seeing people dying. Suffering. My grandpa E (the biological father of my mom) is dying. His lungs are collapsing, slowly but surely. We lost my grandma some two or three years ago. I don't think of her as much as before, but I feel it, her absence. I miss her voice and her hugs. I miss the people we were when she was alive. I miss my grandpa H (the step-father of my mom) happiness, I miss the time where my mom's face was not so gloomy and sad.

I'm tired of hatred and anger. I see it everywhere and many who feel it are just sad and hurt. Like wounded animals, they lash out when they are in pain. And I wish I could cure them. Yes, I guess I have a Saint complex or whatever. I feel bad for speaking about how I wish I could save the world, love every human enough for them to feel better. I feel bad for not being capable of doing more.

And the worst part is that I feel like I'm capable of doing more, but I don't do it because I'm afraid. If I wasn't so shy or anxious, if I wasn't so selfish, I could be out there traveling and saving lives. I look at my ceiling in the dark and think if I'm gonna die paralyzed by fear. Or if I'm going to die fearing dying that way, and asking to much of my body and soul and mind, enough to destroy myself.

I don't want to sound self-centered, damn. I am anxious again. You see, I'm better, but it is hard. It feels like my limbs need to move because it is a physical discomfort. It feels like I need to do something, to shake that feeling.

This is a lot for a first day entry. No one is going to read this, just me. And if there's someone reading it, then... Know you're walking over my heart. Every word is war, every emotion written in the moment. I'm laying in a couch with red led lights in a white room. There are some dark brown furnitures, the room is tiny. There's a giant TV on the floor, there are plants on shelf next to the ceiling. The plants are tiny and fake. There's a big window, closed with curtains. There's another high tiny window, and a mini desk that goes into the wall in a sort of hollowed square that there's in the room. There are two posters on glass frames, they are big, they are by the wall.

It's almost 2AM. I hear some cars passing by. It's neither cold nor hot. There's a constant sound, like the one electric devices make. It's kind loud. I don't know if it's the nature or the electric devices. I'm on an apartment. The town I'm in is in the mountains, but a few minutes from a big city.

I'm calmer now. It's feel a little lonely in this room because I'm on my own. My family is on the apartment, but there's no sound to be heard of them. At least the acoustic in this neighborhood let's you hear even when the person some building away is coughing. Yeah, crazy.

I think I'm going to be now. I'm tired. I want to be more online, write on my other blogs, do some rp, work on my thesis, clean my room, read books, watch TV shows... But even when I'm better, I need to be careful to don't pressure myself to much. Too many stimulus and I'm gonna be avoiding everyone again, until I feel less overestimulated.

No more worries. The day is over. I need to sleep.

Goodnight, mysterious person. And if no one ever reads this, goodnight to the absence of and the empty and the memories.