#im coping but i do think its likely i have adhd still ... just effort getting it sorted at this point yknow

[ofcowardiceandkings]

im .. always gonna be salty about my brief spit of contact with the ADHD clinic i was referred to because it was comically bad but mostly strike 3 on my already piss-poor opinion of mental health services in my area when i didnt have the freedom or mental bandwidth to try again

[pingnova]

I've realized after years of pushing doctors and the system to get disability benefits so im no longer homeless and etc that so much of my "writers block" is my unmanaged disability. writing by hand AND typing on a full keyboard or my thumbs are exhausting - and painful. even dictation is exhausting - my jaw isn't aligned correctly and it gets sore very fast, and keeping my thoughts in order is a shitshow. I am exhausted all the time, to the point where thinking takes too much effort... so writing isn't even on the table. I don't have time to write between sleeping 12 hours and then trying to get survival tasks done (frequently failing) the few hours im out of bed. as some of my psych symptoms resolve and I cope better, I uncover more psych symptoms I wasn't aware of because they were buried under the worst ones - which is to say my unmanaged adhd is insanely disabling. I couldn't start a task if I wanted to (see, writing). but back when I was so buried in anxiety and depression, I had no way of sorting out what was the anxiety and what was executive dysfunction. the anxiety is well in hand by now, but the executive dysfunction makes me wonder how I ever did anything for the 20 years I was untreated for it. my psych recently prescribed me a stimulant for that, so we will see. but they also discovered I have cancer in my neck, the slow but stubborn kind, and so my endocrine system is messed the hell up... not to mention the literal cancer. and there are holes in my stomach, diaphragm, and lungs. so I don't absorb oxygen or nutrition very well. so I've been nicer to myself, just barely. "Of course you can't write, you're so tired it would be a miracle if you could, you can't work to sustain yourself or even do hobbies you love and its not your fault. You're sick and tired." whats frustrating is that none of these diagnoses are new, it's just that as a kid my parents never ever investigated when I couldn't keep up with the other kids and instead took that as a sign of disobedience and beat me for it. this could have been managed a long time ago. it's frustrating in a new way - less with myself and more with the general stupidity of the world I guess. it does feel better to tell myself to chill out more and stop beating myself up. the big thing is I still miss writing so much. it's nice to have an explanation and work on getting better and trying to train myself out of self hatred but none of that ends up with me writing, or doing other things I like. that's still kind of a ways off. now I don't hate myself for it, I'm just painfully pining away for it.

[fearowkenya]

it's the time of year where I feel very like...boxed in??? okay hold on

so like everyone else who has adhd mine has its own exclusive flavor and weirdness that manifests itself in its own Cute And Quirky Teehee ways that arent universal to everyone w adhd. mine specifically makes it so that the amount of energy / willpower i have to put effort into literally anything is directly proportionate to how much light there is outside. it doesnt have to be SUNNY , just naturally bright.

anyway as you may or may not know im up in canada where it is currently 4:41PM and is nearly dark, and will continue to get darker earlier and earlier until like three quarters through december. so already , not great for me and my fuckign plant-life-wannabe of a brain .

to compound this, i also slow down when it’s cold. that part is normal i think. its not uncommon to want to swaddle yourself in a nest of blankets when temperatures start to drop esp if its like -40 but it DOES make moving around a little more challenging. so like not only do i have to put in the effort to like, do each step of whatever task or activity i am attempting to do, but i also have to pry myself out of Soft Warm Bed which becomes an additional step in making aforementioned whatever the fuck happen. and if u are at all familiar w adhd you know that when the step count gets too high your odds of doing anything other than staring at a wall get slimmer and slimmer unless youve got a damn good workaround for your own brand of brain nonsense

im also one of those ppl who constantly has cold hands , so stuff that requires fine motor skills like art can be tough to start working on when my fingers have the mobility of two fistfuls of freezies.

ive gotten fairly good at finding ways to do things that accommodate my adhd but once winter hits thats when i get boxed in. it’s dark out early, so getting anything done after sunset is like wading thru sludge. then the sludge fucking freezes solid because its cold out, and even if by some miracle im able to like idk draw, my hands feel stiff bc of the cold and makes everything harder. so its like this uphill battle to do fucking Anything when im a sludgecicle. its way easier to do Nothing instead of trying to fight my way out, like the amount of effort it takes is SO frustrating.

‘hey idiot have you tried turning the heater on’ yeah dude i know but i still gotta get outta bed and wait for my fingers to not feel like a bunch of frozen baby carrots before anything gets done, and jsut the thought of that when im nice n warm in blankets is an enormous deterrent and it fucking sucks!!

im super fed up w that happening to me every damn winter so i guess i’ll start to work on throwing together some kinda coping mechanism and hope smth sticks.

since i moved my furniture a while back, my heater is right next to my desk so at least i’ll warm up faster when it starts to be like minus a billion degrees. i have no fucking clue what i am going to do about the uhh (checks notes) reliance that my brain has on the literal actual sun. i have one of those sun lamps that i suppose i can try to use more often?? idk if thats going to trick my brain into thinking it’s actually bright outside so stay tuned i guess. or dont im not your dad

[luque-moreau]

y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories

what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???

ye

alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".

so lets just get into it:

what is adhd actually?

adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.

long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).

theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.

hyperactive type

hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)

hyperfocus type

hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.

personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different. 

so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?

well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:

raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age

lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.

social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.

raz and his borderline stupidity

time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.

i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.

empathy over sympathy

one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and

although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.

miscommunication and disconnect

sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.

alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd.  this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be   v  e  r  y   enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k

of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:

he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information. 

just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?

this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̦̠̿ͅ��̡̖̥. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.

so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess

:^)

[antpelts]

kleinsen evens!

send a ship and a number

2. Who is the most insecure and what makes them feel better?

they each got their own problems tbhhh, i feel like they both grow into themselves in college a bit but evan generally needs affirmations sometimes that jared Does like to be around him and Does like him. it happens less over time though. evan also generally could use reassurance on his journey to healing. jared on the other hand i hc with adhd so when it comes to rsd he just needs affirmations sometimes like,, subtle ones are best for him just evan like “yes this game is fun” when jared shows him something. hed rather not draw attention to it

10. What two songs, two books and two luxury items do they take to a desert island?

ah shit this is hard i dont know jdhksjd sorry cop out answer. okay maybe. songs.. evan maybe some showtune or something feelgood that makes him happy. jared.. something weird aka some random BANGER. i feel like jared would like some weird book series in middle school and with adhd he likes to reread the same book /if/ he reads for the comfort of knowing whats gonna happen. evan,, ripleys believe it or not... or world records book... listen.. what even is a luxury item- i googled it and coffee and tea count so thats my answer i guess dljsld

12. What first changes when it starts getting serious?

oh shit hm. jared kinda tries to get his act together to communicate. he still teases and hes still insufferable sometimes but the first thing is he tries to show evan however he can that he does care.

14. When one has a cold, what does the other do?

already answered

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

jhsdjks hrm. evan prolly gets paranoid 24/7. jared.. tries to be a badass. they cope by kissing. : / thats all i got kjdhsjkd

18. When they fight, how do they make up?

already answered

20. Where do they go on holiday?

them going to disney would be cute. thats my final thoughts

22. Where does their first kiss happen?

going off ambiguous college verse. one of their places/dorms. whether its impulsive or not it wouldnt be anywhere even semi public. they have A Moment

26. Why do they need to have a serious chat?

because neither will assert their wants or boundaries. : /

28. Why do they get jealous?

hm. i dont see them as getting jealous maybe more insecure??

30. Why does it work (or not work) between them?

it works bc i say so. kdfjdk- but seriously it works because they make it work. they decide to put in the effort and then it works. only then. they absolutely have the whole shared experiences to go off of and some similar fears/insecurities but yeah

ns/fw text under cut

4. Who can’t keep their hands to themselves?

uhh maybe jared if anything. evan is a little hesitant for a while. eventually evan worries less and will like.. casually brush a hand over his back and stuff. i.. jared clingy is my headcanon..

6. Who would they ask if they ever had a threesome?

they wouldnt?? i dunno. i see them as.. only being into each other and not really thinking about this. if were going with my wmap verse. rich. if they Had to. but yeah i dont see this as a them thing. they value security with each other.

8. What do they like in bed?

i.............. this is a loaded question. im gonna keep it brief........ bc this is a public website. evan likes to hear hes doing good. but he also likes it if only jared is a little mouthy and pushy. jared likes to rile evan up until hes a little frustrated and not afraid to push him around a little. thats all yall get.

24. Where do they first have sex?

already answered

[ierohero]

man i am in such a weird position right now cuz like i've been halfheartedly going to college tours for ages now and not really liking any of them and i felt like i was never moving forward with the process so i was kinda defeated about the whole thing and while i still wanted to go to college in the broad sense it felt like something that was way far in the future for me that i still didn’t see the way to get to and i’ve just been living my life from day to day since i graduated hs trying not to think too much about how i felt like i was wasting time trapped in limbo and then out of the blue i find a school that i really like with a music program that seems to be exactly what i’ve been looking for and their average gpa is lower than mine and you dont even need to audition for the freshman application (you apply specifically to the music school later) so it seems like i have a pretty good chance of getting in AND they have rolling admissions so if i get in i’ll literally start this january and its all so Abrupt and i’m just like,,, i’m excited but i haven’t been mentally preparing myself at all and i’ve been living like a hermit doing nothing but making art and playing music and seeing pretty much no one but my family regularly for like almost a year at this point which is also pretty much the same amount of time i’ve been out as trans so it’s like,, i haven’t done anything even approaching schoolwork in ages and the last time i was it wasn’t fucking going well cuz i still haven’t learned any sustainable coping mechanisms for living with adhd and being an overachieving perfectionist at the same time,,, what if i crash and burn again the last time that happened i had to be in a partial hospitalization program for months LOL also this will be the first time i’ll be living among a bunch of strangers and peers while also being out and i’m like,,, should i make more of an effort to pass going forward will that make my life easier or harder? I haven’t been binding cuz the discomfort it causes me because of my eczema isn’t worth it when i’m only around my family and trusted people but when this is gonna be people’s very first impression of me and i have to go to class with them everyday will it become worth it? i had originally planned to get top surgery before starting college but now that i have the rolling admissions option i find that i do not want to wait a whole other year to start school so,, the oil and water cocktail of excitement and anxiety im currently working with is weird to hold in my stomach to say the least

[kintsugisheep]

People that went trough adhd or/and asd diagnosis, im currently going trought it but i keep detecting situations where the questions are targeting only stereotypical unmasked neurodiverse attitudes so i know that when i reply as i usually behave it might just not be so accurate.

The professional that's doing the diagnosis with me, sent me an adhd test that i should reply by myself, and this is happening in the questions the test presents, anyone who had to do one of these, which criteria did you take? like did you answer of how you usually behave even if you know that its learned behaviour to cope and carry on with responsabilities or social things that were supposed to be in a wat or did you answer with the reply that is more "raw" Both leave me very confused since, i know i have coping mechanisms but as well know that if i reply as if i dont have them feels like "im cheating" like YES! i do have that behaviour but i dont express it daily since i do x, y and z in order to not do it. Like, when they ask me if i often lose things yes, i usually did as a kid, now i have to CARRY A NOTEPAD WHERE I WRITE THINGS OR a bag where i put everything important so i dont loose my shit, or i have like coping mechanism so that doesnt happen so often BUT i know those behaviours are there and suppose and extra effort so i dont: loose things, forget dates, make a mistake at my job etc etc so do any neurodiverse people that went trough diagnosis out there has any type of advice for this? I know i currently dont actually know if i actually have adhd (tho i really feel like i might have it but i feel like diagnosing myself is not ok and therefore i want to do the correct process to get to know about it) but i often see that here in my country ( Argentina ) methods dont take into consideration the masking methods, the coping methods, or even the difference in diagnosis that may occur between men and women and how different people can express syntoms. So i want to know if this is a common experience, like i think most of the methods that i went trough during my diagnosis is focused on children (and i guess its more common to expect more unmasked behaviour on kids, BUT adults learnt how to mask this things, and maybe diagnosis may not be so clear if you dont take that into consideration?) ANYWAYS im still learning so anything you want to tell me i read you all. Thanks for reading until here! note: i really hope this makes sense, im horrible at explaining myself in english so please let me know if something is hard to understand or even if im saying something wrong (about the subject, or even if its not well written etc)

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

[afearing]

whine post alert

god i’m going to fail classes this semester for actual realsies. like our school has pass/no credit and i still might need to retake a course. fuck me. the executive dysfunction has been so bad i literally can barely leave my room. for weeks now. honestly i have been keeping up with schoolwork by self destructing my health since high school and like the coping mechanisms are just. not happening anymore. i think i have turned in every single assignment since we got sent home within 5 minutes of the deadline or late sometimes hilariously late and i just turned in a half finished final project sooooo. and why are BOTH my hard finals tomorrow?

i literally, actually, no exaggeration this time, can not fucking deal with this successfully. i may have another cry now to bring my total for today up to like a full hour. i know failing a class isnt the end of the world but i have NEVER gotten below a b+ in anything in my whole entire life and it feels like its a serious blemish on my worth as a person that i cant keep it together enough to learn stuff that i’m really interested in.

i know its so bad i’ve known it’s really fucking bad i’m the one living it, I’m still so upset i couldn’t get an adhd dx. i know myself i KNOW the depression is secondary to whatever it is that makes my executive functioning absolutely rock bottom shit tier because i wasnt depressed as a kid and i STILL had these issues. then i was suicidal in middle school and this has only got worse since then, and THEN i was in a great place emotionally for the last two years of high school but thats exactly when i started seriously never ever getting any god damn sleep. and my sleep pattern my whole life has been MUCH more in line with typical adhd than depression. also yeah my mood is always bad but a) we literally live in a dystopia i think its excusable and b) im always under tons of stress because im incapable of doing work. i have no issue enjoying myself when i actually clear my responsibilities and get to do fun stuff, and my self esteem is fine except for how im frequently guilty about being.... incapable.... of doing work. unless i ONLY have depression in the body and not in my emotions which really doesn’t sound like a real thing i do not know why every doctor i talk to insists that must be the only issue. there have been at least 4 so far

like. get a load of this

me:

and

(the covered text is: “Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (e.g., schoolwork or homework; for older adolescents and adults, preparing reports, completing forms, reviewing lengthy papers).” like this is THE problem this is it this is what is ruining my life)

the genius psychs i keep seeing: you have depression not adhd. you probably have just never tried using a planner. give me $300

[drashleighreid]

Hey girl. Sad question, how are managing to survive with your hectic schedule? My mental health is so bad right now, I really don’t even have that many responsibilities or things taking up my time but even with my bare minimum I can’t even handle what I have to do in my life. Everything is so overwhelming 😭 I would really appreciate any advice you have on being able to function like a normal human. Thanks 💞

oh honey same. i understand this feeling a lot, it’s something i’ve always really struggled with. seeing my friends and peers handling a full study load, work, cultivating their skills in their spare time, and still somehow maintaining a social life when im barely coping with the bare minimum... not working, not even taking as many classes, having no social life etc. etc. its a really rough feeling, and especially with the unhelpful pressure you put on yourself because of it. 

its always been an issue for me and still is to a degree tbh. a couple of months ago i was diagnosed with adhd and i’ve been taking meds for it. theyve done wonders for my mood and motivation and thats made it so much easier for me to get things done and stay on task tbh. it really kicked me out of that space, i have a lot more energy and every day activities and things dont feel as much like the huge daunting task that they did before lol. thats helped SO much i dont know if i would have been able to work through this semester without that diagnosis. its taken the edge off a lot of the things that felt ‘impossible’ before bc i was super defeated about similar situations. im not saying you have adhd or anything lol that was just my experience and maybe its worthwhile seeking out therapy if you havent already and exploring these avenues/talking to someone about the things you struggle with/doing some research. 

honestly a lot of it too i think is the ‘object in motion’ kind of thing. its really hard to get started with things, or build a new routine, when you’re stagnant. its the same as anything... its hard and it takes more effort to begin anything when you’re stuck in that rut, but once you start it really and truly gets a lot easier to maintain a routine and everything wont feel so difficult anymore. a big thing that has really helped me lately is keeping a decent sleep schedule. i know its really hard because people would suggest that to me when i was really stuck for motivation and it seemed impossible to regulate it for me but it really does help a lot, i have two early morning classes so making sure im always up and going to those keeps me accountable so the rest of the week im usually getting up semi early anyway, whereas before id sleep really late and then feel crappy and unproductive lol. writing lots of lists and keeping track of things/what i have to do has helped a lot too ! i’ve become such a crazy list-person lmao i make them for everything and check things off and break things down into little bite sized increments so activities dont seem so overwhelming, and its done wonders for my productivity and for generally just feeling accomplished ? and positive? and then in turn more likely to stay happy and motivated to keep working. 

just getting more structure and routine into your life can do absolute wonders tbh. im not sure if any of this has helped at all. ive been exactly in your position and its something that really affected my life and the way i felt about myself so i understand. and i understand how hard it is and how impossible everything can seem. its not easy to break out of, but putting in that extra little bit of effort at the beginning to get yourself moving, even though it seems impossible, can make all the difference down the track. 

i really hope any of this helps even a little bit! honestly if you ever need to chat im always here and i can try help any way that i can, i know what a rough place it can be. but really youre not alone in feeling that way so dont be too hard on yourself, it really just makes it even more difficult to pull yourself out of it, so try to have patience with yourself and just do the best you can every day ! im sure you’re doing absolutely amazing anyway! def feel free to come chat to me any time about anything though.