#im autistic so dont know how to socialize. speaking is physically difficult

[alchemiclee]

I want to cosplay the fontaine siblings with some friends so bad!!!! but where do I get friends

[tears-of-boredom]

...today was so fucking tiring. and tomorrow i have to do it all over again.

i. its like. I know that if i actually just go, and make it my routine, it'll get easier. ill get to know the people so i dont need to stress over strangers, ill get to know the social practices and traditions that are unspoken. ill get used to early mornings. i just. I have to Do it. you know. i have to actually dedicate myself to this. because its only going to make things worse if the only thing im thinking about is how i want to do something else.

and I know i can do it. i did it last year with the fucking,, primary school i think its called. i know that im able to adjust, and when I get into the routine, i wont even want to like, stay in bed or just play on my computer.

the just like,. like muscle memory, except mental as well? like unconcious memory? like, it feels like my body just remembers how my whole school life has been, and reacts like it always has. so like. i am actually a bit unsure about how to go about dismantling that. like i need to make my brain realise that this is a different situation. that i have a decent support network, that i can actually relax at home, that i have the opportunity to alter my schedule!

that is like. a big thing. i have to have the courage to actually talk to someone when im facing a problem. because there will be a solution. and trying to suppress all my issues will be way harder than just fucking using the resources that are literally given to me. the school system is not actually as horrible as i make it out to be. at least not this specific school. there is faculty whose entire job is to help students with whatever issues they may have.

i just. I have never been good at asking for help. not because i didnt think i needed it, but because i thought someone else needed it more. even conserning things or resources that are not limited, like fucking advice.

i was gonna say that i hate myself, but thats not true. i hate that i wasnt properly taught essential life skills growing up. i hate that those skills are so difficult to learn later, because you've got to unlearn the coping mechanisms you created in place of them.

any time i was in the vicinity of non-new students, i felt like they were making fun of me. they definetly weren't, but considering how my last class was in primary school, its honestly not that weird that my brain defaults to that.

you know. i never considered it bullying. because no one threatened me, or stole from me, or beat me up, or hurled insults at me.

but it definetly was. i didnt feel physically unsafe, yeah, but i was constantly so fucking anxious and stressed, just waiting for them to do something. the way I'd race to every class, just so i could have that small moment of peace that came with sitting in an empty classroom, knowing that the rest of the class wouldnt show up for a few moments.

yeah i didnt feel physically unsafe, as long as i hid my rainbow flag keychain charm.

i feel like this is something schools should focus on more. instead of pushing "tell a trusted adult if you or someone you know is being bullied", they should like, like just advise kids on how to recognise bullying.

like, i was not social, by any means. i didnt go out of my way to speak to people. you know, i had anxiety. and also im autistic. i felt isolated from the rest of the world.

but you know what also makes you feel isolated? bullying. it makes you feel like nobody genuinely likes you, like your value is determined by how fun it is to annoy you. and it makes insecure people, like me, feel like the bullying is worth it. because no one would talk to me under other circumstances. they're practically doing me a service by interacting with me.

i dont wanna call myself stupid, because it makes sense that it took me this long to recognise this. if a child admits to being bullied, and you dont intervene because they said "its fine, it doesnt bother me",, you're not good at stopping bullying.

like just, even if the kid turns out to be right, the bullying doesnt affect them at all, not in the short run, nor in the long run. the bullies are still a problem. like, you dont stop bullying by protecting the vulnerable people from the meanies, you stop it by disabling the ones doing it. make there not be anyone who would do the bullying in the first place.

like this is genuinely just basic problem solving. you see a problem, you find out whats causing it, and then you fix the causing factor.

you dont just keep buying goldfish when your cat kills each one, you teach your god damn cat to not kill the goldfish.

i. im just so angry. it seems like every year, i realise that some case of suffering ive experienced wasn't "inevitable" at all, and actually its just that the adults in my life greatly failed me. again.

but everytime i convince myself that its not their fault. that for some reason my psyche just makes suffering inevitable. its an endless cycle that just completely destroys my trust. towards strangers, towards adults, towards myself.

but this has been going on for so long, from such a young age, that like. what the fuck would be left if i unlearnt this shit. everything's formed into such a cornerstone of my very being, that itll be as hard as,, unlearning how to speak. learning to stop your heart from beating.

im so tired, like, physically. ill see if I can sleep, but if not, ill try and find the courage to go tall to an adult.

[transrightsjimin]

this might seem like a silly question but do you think tae has been okay this past year? i used to be super into bts 2013-17 and im getting back into them again so ive been watching run bts but he seems so much more quiet than i remember, ive only watched the last maybe 6 eps but i was just wondering do u think hes just tired or is this something thats been consistent? idk how to phrase my question properly i hope you understand

i dont want to psychoanalyze him too much (and have already been accused of doing so nd been attacked bc i once said i relate to him a lot in terms of my autism nd that seeing him makes me happy but. whatever lol) so i’ll just go by what he shared w us nd what is known. i’ve been a fan since 2014 and knew the group since 2013 so i will share what i know and read throughout the years. i hope my answer is a bit more helpful than the quora pages where people ask something similar to your ask (but with infantilizing nd ableist language instead) but in the end, i don’t know him nd just go by interviews and past observations.

Taehyung has shared w fans that he has been feeling depressed the past year and dealt w sleeping problems, which i think he has mentioned in a few times but the first one i can think of is in his interview in Weverse magazine, where he discusses how tired and down he’s felt in 2020. He also explains his thoughts behind the song Blue & Grey, which is meant to comfort people in that sort of headspace. while i think he has become more quiet over the years in general, you can def see his mood change the past year. as a side note, i notice the same about the other members when watching old concerts and such. they put a lot of effort and energy into activities they could do lately but i was still really caught off guard seeing how much more happy and excitable they all looked when in front of a real audience. which is all understandable of c bc as they noted before, an audience recharges their energy of course.

i thought he had become generally more reserved over the years, even before 2020. fans have speculated it is because his grandmother (who raised him for 10+ years nd whom he had a great bond w) had passed away and he has even received a lot of hate for expressing at a show that she died as he was portrayed as ‘attention seeking‘. a good friend of him also died by suicide in 2017 and in 2018 his grandfather died. these deaths are some of the possible reasons he might be looking less excitable.

in bts festa 2019 the members talk about how much more taehyung has matured over the years, e.g. being more mindful of others. Tae adds that he changed his mind on what happiness means for him, as he used to think it meant when everything was great for him, but later on he realized that it made him most happy when all members are happy together and when he sees the positive in things. so there’s a part of maturity there in terms of being less careless / stubborn / free-spirited, even if (as the members state) that is also what used to draw in fans back in the day because he drew attention in shows.

so it’s not per se bad he became more quiet / reserved and less stubborn as it helps be mor considerate of other ppl and he reflected on how he could make the most out of difficult situations.

i’m not sure if it was him too but members have mentioned in songs and interviews (I thought also Jimin did so in the same festa but i couldn’t find the moment quickly) that many people have tried to get close to them, just because they found them interesting for their fame but not care for them. the group has become more critical to such interests and cut off people who mistreated their openness. this might not per se be the whole reason for him smiling less or a reason at all, but his character did change over the years.

it might be important to add that his character / vibe (which i will rather refer to as autistic traits than any of the ableist language people online use :S ) is what drew a lot of negative attention by netizens, such as when he mentioned his grandma on tv, or when he cried on mama 2018 stage, or when he mouthed along to a song when they won an award in 2015. him just being goofy and happy were falsely flagged as misbehaviour in controversies caused by (then) larger fandoms that tried to undermine bts.

i am in no way saying Taehyung is the only one targeted or anything. i actually really hate that framework considering all of bangtan have been targeted by hate nd went through hard times mentally as a whole. and there is a HUGE issue recently within the fandom, where solo stans of tae have been popping up, who pretend bangtan mistreats tae and that he needs to go solo. which is just insulting considering he keeps emphasising they are a group /family and that he wants people to care for all of them and not just one. what i meant to say instead is that his behaviour has changed a lot bc it has been criticized a lot.

and as a final note i want to say that it is not particularly unnatural for Tae to be more quiet / depressed / reserved. i remember that early on in my army days, either in early 2014 or early 2015, Tae was not active on social media and generally more reclusive to the public for several months in a row. then too, people speculated he was tired or overwhelmed or depressed and idk if that is true, he was just less present to the public, but i meant to address that in the past too he could be more quiet or reserved at times so it’s not completely new or different for him to be more in the background. which is totally ok and in this case, we know he is more down and why. i dont think the members are obligated to talk to us about their mental or physical health, but i do appreciate them speaking up anyway bc it is very reassuring nd opens up healthy conversations.

TLDR; tae’s personality and public persona did change over the years, for both bad and good reasons, but morever it is true that he struggled w being depressed and w sleeping problems (as he himself discussed). the pandemic doesn’t help those issues.

i hope this answers your question?

i ended up still going WAY in to depth and speculating but i tend to ramble and look up links to support stuff i remember jfhgk sorry about the long answer, i always forget where im going once im typing. my answer already feels too much like psychoananalyzing him and im not a fan who disect a picture of e.g. a member smiling / looking somewhere / not smiling and writing a whole essay on his thoughts or traumas or whatnot behind it. so i hope i didn’t come off as going that route. ^^;

[thisiswhymomworries]

i dont want to intrude but how do you know if youre autistic? i feel like a number of "symtoms" fit me and it would explain certain things like i hate touching people, certain sounds feel like theyre cutting into my ears and certain textures like boiled carrots and manchester pants disgust me. but im also like, functioning? it doesnt really impact me cause i can work through them if i have to. am i allowed to id as autistic on the lighter spectrum? or are they just normal quirks?

I’ve just found that I have a lot of the traits and identify so much with other people who are autistic that it really just makes sense to me that I am too. right now I’m not pursuing a medical diagnosis because 1) I’m extremely lucky to be in an environment and life situation that I can function on my own so I don’t need any sort of disability; 2) disabled people (and the EOC on my employment application did include autism) can be paid literally whatever in the US, there is no minimum wage; 3) I’m busy dealing with my transition right now and don’t want to add another thing on top of it, especially if any cis doctor or therapist down the line could start using an autism diagnosis to claim I’m not really transgender for bullshit reasons

as for the spectrum, I think this article (written by an autistic person) is REALLY great at explaining what that actually means. it isn’t a spectrum from high-functioning to low-functioning; it’s a spectrum of different traits affecting different aspects of your life. for some people, these traits and the aspects affected (especially social skills and the ability to verbalize) clearly mark them as autistic and make it difficult for them to “”function”” in an allistic world. but that’s really only because the world doesn’t accommodate them. the article includes an interview from an autistic man with great social skills and a strong ability to empathize and understand how other people think and feel, but who couldn’t speak. so it was assumed he had a much lower intelligence than he really did and was “”low-functioning”” when actually he was very intelligent and could have done a lot more for himself if he could have communicated through computer much earlier

for me personally, I know my ability to function is entirely due to the wonderful job I have. it can get frustrating at times, but I basically sit at a desk in a library and occasionally answer questions when people come up to the desk and ask. there’s not a lot of physical activity, I don’t need too much social skills, and there’s no stress or pressure. I’m also able to only work 30 hours a week and still support myself. I know if I had to work a physical, stressful job for 40-60 hours a week, I would constantly have breakdowns and ultimately be unable to care for myself

so aside from the stigma of what autistic traits make some “high” or “low” functioning--I have huge sensory issues with taste and texture in food, so I’m a very “picky” eater, and while that has led to a lot of judgment and a borderline eating disorder, no one has ever said I can’t take care of myself and shouldn’t be allowed to be independent over it the way autistic people who have mobility issues, are nonverbal, or lack social skills can often be infantilized--there’s also a huge difference in environment

anyway, my point with this whole functioning tangent is that the flip side of the stigma leaves people deemed “high functioning” without much help or resources. autism is a different method of processing for your brain, not a mental illness. you don’t have to base your ID off how well you function or whether or not it’s causing you to suffer in your daily life. the article I linked to provides a great list of different autistic traits far better than I could cover, and with a really good explanation for how they can manifest in your life. imo, if you find other autistic people make way more sense than allistics, you recognize multiple symptoms/traits in your own life and personality, and that stays consistent after doing research, you’re probably autistic ^^

[effervescentnonsense]

Struggling tonight emotionally. I dont think the people around me realize how much i struggle due to my autism.

One of them RAISED several autistic kids, and should know exactly how difficult it can be for an autistic person to function in our society.

But i think they see my mask and believe its my face.

I am EXACTLY as autistic as all those kids. I'm just better at putting on a show and pretending I'm not.

Because i've had a lifetime to learn how to hide it. Because it was crucial to my survival.

Some days are better than others. But most are exhausting.

They think I'm lazy, but it takes me twice as much energy to do half the things they do.

So when i get home after work and i've been overwhelmed with sensory input all day, doing physically demanding work, and trying to not sound like a robot when i speak, or use the right facial expressions, or figure out what the hell others facial expressions and tones are trying to convey, trying to read out others implications and subtext and their expectations. And then i get home and if i go and hide in my room to destress and be in a safe space free of all of that, then im "antisocial" and "ignoring them" and "letting my depression get the better of me".

IM FUCKING TIRED BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS A HOARDERS HOUSE OF INFORMATION, SCATTERED INSIDE A TORNADO OF A BRAIN THAT CANT SORT INFORMATION PROPERLY, INSIDE OF A HURRICANE OF SENSORY INFORMATION AND SOCIAL INTERACTIONS AND MY ONLY TOOL TO SURVIVE IS A 3RD GRADERS PICTURE BOOK ON WEATHER.

So kindly FUCK OFF when you try and say i cant possibly be tired because i "barely did anything today".

Fucking on the verge of tears because theyre trying to enforce consequences of not doing chores around the house. I dont CHOOSE not to do them, I have so many distractions and scattered thoughts that any form of organization is a fucking miracle, or months upon months of hard work to even BEGIN to form a routine.

[aplpaca]

1, 19, 20

thanks for asking! (this ended up being hella long so thats why its kinda late)

1: Did you discover that you are autistic early or later in life? How do you think it affected you?i had an “unofficial” diagnosis when i was like 4 (unofficial bc i was “on the spectrum but didnt meet all the criteria for an official diagnosis” aka i could talk and wasnt a boy) but because it was unofficial there wasnt really anything that could be done with it, so it wasnt considered significant and i didnt think much of it.    

i didnt actually “figure it out” till towards the end of high school, and what really made me consider it was how much i related to posts by autistic people talking about traits and experiences.  and it was super “freeing” i guess cause it was like realizing that id been viewing myself wrong for most of my life? that my difficulties werent because i hadnt “nurtured” them the right way and my interests and talents werent some warped form of compensation.  like a mental shift from “im a defective version of other people” to “im a perfectly decent version of myself”. 

kinda like if youd been taking care of a “weird bush”, getting confused that it was different from the other ones, and then realized the bush was actually a cactus.  but now that you know, you can figure out how to grow a healthy cactus instead of overwatering it in the hopes it will look like a bush   

19: What, in your opinion, is the most ridiculous autism myth or stereotype?theres a lot of those but the stereotype of autism being a young white boy thing is definitely up there in terms of perpetuating inequalities like afab people and poc are diagnosed less frequently and misdiagnosed a lot more, especially when theyre not kids anymoreless institutional for this one, but a lot of non-autistic people act like theyre able to intuitively tell if someone is or isnt autistic? when their knowledge is based on one autistic person they know of, or a mix of pop culture and maybe an intro to psych class.  like “*person* cant be autistic they do *thing that isnt mutually exclusive to being autistic*” or “are you sure youre autistic cause youre not like my younger brother”  

20: How would you describe autism to someone who knows nothing about it?im not exactly sure how to answer this concisely and still give some actual background on being autistic but heres some traits (under the read-more since this is pretty long already)

social interactions

casual conversation comes a lot less naturally for you than for others (like for me it feels kinda like trying to do a card trade when youre deck is out of order or when youre taking too long trying to find the right amount of money to give the cashier)

even if youre pretty sarcastic yourself, you might have trouble recognizing when other people are doing it (maybe responding to them as if they were serious, then realizing it was sarcasm afterwards)

difficulty with timing in conversations - accidentally interrupting a lot or not knowing when to start talking in groups

takes a lot longer for you to make friends than most people, even when actively trying

might have difficulty telling peoples feelings from their facial expressions or tone of voice, may accidentally overstep boundaries as a result

language/expression differences

speaking might not come naturally as a form of expression, might be more comfortable writing or using another method, especially on more personal topics

might be more or less facially expressive than most people (”resting bitch face” or finding it really hard to hide emotions)

might go nonverbal at times (or all the time) - talking feels physically difficult and takes more energy than usual, can happen with stress or just randomly

sensory stuff

hypo or hypersensitivities - more bothered by loud noise or bright light than others, being a lot more sensitive to fabric and clothing, needing certain levels of noise to be comfortable, “picky” eating (especially related to texture), sitting normally in chairs is uncomfortable, more or less reactive to certain smells

stimming because it feels nice, helps focus, relieves stress - fidgeting, Need To Move, leg bouncing, rocking, repeating phrases/noises because they sound/feel nice, hair twirling, feeling certain textures, pressure (heavy blankets, tight clothing, etc),

sensory overload when overstimulated (often in loud/bright/crowded/etc areas), may have trouble processing all information at once, get irritated by small sounds, may get dizzy, can trigger anxiety, restless energy, trouble focusing, places others are fine with may feel very chaotic to you (eg: a mall or supermarket), symptoms lessen when away from situation

various other things

special interests - if you like something you really like it no middle ground (”obsessed or nothing”), avidly pursue more info/content relating to it, feel an intense need to talk about these interests with others, could spend hours a day on these interests without getting bored  

executive dysfunction - procrastination, difficulty planning ahead, trouble with time management, distracted easily, trouble staying on task, difficulty multi-tasking, having trouble making yourself do something even when you want to get it done

unexpected events or changes in routine (even small things and even if your schedule is not busy) are stressful, might cause you to freeze up,  can take a long time to get used to

auditory processing difficulties - “sorry can you repeat that”, comprehending what someone said when theyre halfway through repeating it, following verbal instructions is hella confusing (“i know what those words mean and i know what that sentence means but i have no clue what im supposed to be doing”)

detail oriented - needing to know specific details and reasons behind things to remember them better, noticing lots of things others dont

good at coming up with unique ideas, different thinking approach leads you to problem-solve in ways others might not

i could write more but ima stop now, i think ive prob info-dumped enough