#im anxious i wanna die etc etc

[bunnihearted]

lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it

[lesbienneanarchiste]

I will say, I just realized I've been doing almost daily journaling for an entire full year now and I don't think it's done me any good. Like I'm glad I started in a broad sense bc it's interesting but it hasn't actually improved my quality of life or mental health in any way shape or form so checkmate wellness influencers

[hiemaldesirae]

Hiii :) it’s me again, the anon who yapped about fanon Vox, I’m here because I need to yap again: I’m kinda worried about season 2

After rewatching season 1, I felt like the stakes weren’t high enough for Charlie & the Hotel. One would think going into battle against Heaven would be devastating and disastrous but the only characters that permanently died were…background characters. I don’t count Sir Pentious because bro is alive and will most likely have a bigger role to play in the story now that he’s in heaven. The hotel was destroyed, yeah, but like minutes later it was rebuilt with the help of Lucifer.

That’s another reason why I feel like the stakes aren’t high enough, they added Lucifer way too soon. How are Vox & other future villains meant to stand a chance against the King of Hell?? I think it would’ve been better if took Charlie a couple of seasons to convince her dad to help her cause.

My main worries for season 2 are about Vox because I can’t stop thinking about him LMFAO. Anyways, I’m scared Vox will be a second Adam, goofy villain that gets killed off pretty quickly and anti-climactically. Vox was already a silly villain in season 1 (sending Pentious to the Hotel as a spy, cheering when Alastor got his ass beat, etc, etc.) so it’ll feel like a waste if they continue writing him that way. I want Vox to be an actual threat and kill one of the main characters PERMANENTLY. Preferably Angel Dust cause it’ll cause a shit ton of discourse since he’s well-loved by both the characters in-universe and the fandom but I don’t think that’ll happen. I just need Vox to lock in 🙏

Don’t get me wrong, I love Hazbin Hotel (only because of Alastor & the Vees but shhh 🤫) but I want the story to evoke emotions from me, I wanna be anxious, I wanna feel hyped, but I don’t feel any of this when things go too perfectly for the main characters and everything goes wrong for the antagonists.

I’m so sorry for the long ass essay, I would make my own post but I don’t wanna be perceived 😭😭

oh i completely understand ur worries nonny dont even worry about the essay

i definitely feel like theres a Risk of that happening to vox especially since . well. vivz doesnt have the best track record to begin with (cannot speak for hb but the way she deals with some characters and resolves their arcs is. questionable) but i personally think (hope? believe?) that since there are members on the writing and animation team who are fans of the vees that she wont just kill vox off for no reason / comic relief(or any of the vees, really) + also of all the vees vox is probably the most likely to die in a dramatic scene considering how he and al are set up to be character foils and killing him off in the stupidest way would be such a horrific storyline fumble i cannot in good conscience believe that vivziepop would even be able to fathom its stupidity. of course im holding out hope still because if theres one thing ive learnt about the internet its that you do not under any circumstances trust any public figures to make the right decisions ever and this applies to animated shows too.

vox killing someone forever would really manage to cement his place in the storyline as a big baddie, but i do have to disagree on wanting angel dead- personally- and as much as it pains me to say this- i think him killing husk or niffty would have the same effect while not interfering with angels healing arc: in fact itd even further angels healing arc and self discovery, alongside giving alastor a reason to perhaps go toe to toe with vox. (i do think that killing angel off would have an interesting result but it feels like an abrupt and unnecessary move to make, tho it may just be ny preference to want to see recovery arcs fulfilled so those characters can live their best lives)

++re what you said ab the hotel not having enough stakes for the next season, i totally agree- bringing in lucifer feels a bit like a cheap copout and didnt really serve to further **charlies** character arc (arguably you could say making up with her father developed her backbone more but. hm. idk you couldve done that in a multitude of other ways sooo)

[marineflamez]

Your interpretation of Spamton is really interesting, do you have any specific thoughts about each section of his life??? ( like addison, big shot, puppet)

warning, this is a huge autism rant LOL

addison era: i havent headcanoned much about his addison self tbh... the most ive got is hes transmasc and is very bird-like with feathers.....also cat-like too. i think the addisons in general act like that. another headcanon i have is that the addisons are naturally social creatures! they stick together and get depressed when alone, which is sad to think about considering the CircumstancesTM

big shot era: i think spamton during this era was at his highest career wise, and his lowest mental health wise (aside from his current mental health state). my headcanon is hed have a super inflated ego and lash out at people, but only to hide the deep rooted insecurity from knowing he only became successful from a phone. i imagine hed also feel paranoid and constantly anxious at the thought of losing it all, which ended up happening. the social nature of being an addison prolly also contributed to his decline since the addisons left him. so hed stick by the phone not only for advice, knowledge, etc... but for some type of social contact, albeit incomprehensible.

if you wanna see my headcanon for his character In ActionTM, i made a video on his big shot era here: https://youtu.be/OWeStag3dJk

puppet era: this is the most confusing one for me. i still to this day do not know how he became a puppet, if the addisons are puppets, when he became a puppet, etc... its such a confusing thing to wrap my head around. im a big fan of the acid theory and that it kinda melted him away ! however, i dont think it made him shorter bc he states he was always small in the qna, i believe... another theory that could be plausible is the force behind the phone slowly turned him into a puppet as like a "you get success, but only if i get to control you" type curse. idk! its a confusing timeline. regardless, i love his current form the most, aside from sneo. i think hes ageless, but still has the energy and features of a late 40-early 50 year old dude. i draw him with a receding hairline and damage to his puppet body. still transmasc also!

a huge thing i adore about his character is how unapologetically evil he is. he doesnt hide it, he admits hes evil and/or uses you for evil (in snowgrave). and the thing that fucks me up the most is, he had that thornring planned REGARDLESS OF THE ROUTE which is so scary. like if you beat his ass, hes like "whoa there dude! at least buy my ring! fuck you!" and runs off. that and the fact he kept trying to get that neo body. he is so desperate that he has multiple plans to get that body for god knows what.

also the trans allegories for him!!!!!!! love it!!!! like him really hating his puppet body and wanting to be bigger.... or like when u put the emptydisk in the mannequin with the dress, only for it to not wanna go in. like yeah it could be a interpreted as him wanting to go into sneo and not the mannequin, but given his connection to mettaton, who has some heavy trans allegories, i think it has more meaning than just "this isnt sneo!!!!" .,,, also the fact he gets such intense euphoria from being sneo. godddd i love trans spamton allegories!!!!!

spamton neo: my second favorite (almost first favorite) form of spamton. incomprehensible armor, but still killin it with those heeled boots!!!!! girlboss honestly

post sneo fight, i always found it interesting how his ark ends in a less hopeful, and more existentially dreadful manner. it almost feels unnecessarily cruel, but i think that the sad ending to his story is essential to get that hopeless "your choices dont matter" theme across. it also just shows how his hubris fucked him over in the end no matter what he did. ALSO HE DID NOT DIE!!!! people keep saying he died. he didnt. he literally has dialogue if u fill your inventory where hes like "bro???" so like. i think he just kinda gave up and turned into an item on his own accord, like jevil.

however, my favorite iteration of sneo is snowgrave. it really shows how genuinely fucking evil spamton is. he literally tries to stop you from being evil so HE can be evil, its so fucking awesome KJDJGSNKJSDNG

but like. fuck man, the dialogue is crazy good??? just peaking into his actual thoughts and insecurities and absolute self hate... muah. and getting that info from him self projecting onto kris? MUAH!!!!! i think its such a perfect battle for sneo because of how he tries to evade responsibility and hatred toward himself, or at least tries to make it sting less, by self projecting it onto kris. he hates kris, yeah, but its mostly just hatred toward himself, what hes become, and how far hes fallen from grace. and him trying to claw his way back to being successful- no BEYOND successful- and into world domination, is fucking harrowing. he is a fucking force of nature in the form of a YTP puppet.

i adore everything about the buildup to snowgrave sneo, the environmental storytelling, everything!!! it was only recently that i realized the scribbly lines around the mansion were his glitched advertisements.

also another thing that fucks me up: he killed his ex friend by proxy. absolute insane behavior its so. ohhmygod. i also love the connections to noelle and her being an angel. an angel sent to help him reach heaven... godddddd i love this shit

another thing i find so fascinating: his glitched speak in his sneo form is not as incomprehensible? its so eerie. hes like... he can better communicate his thoughts better and more coherently, which is genuinely so freaky because youre just so used to his nonsensical bullshit so its like. whoa. he was There Mentally all along, he just couldnt say it because of how fucked up and glitchy he was.

yes, i do believe he is like Completely There Mentally throughout the entire game. hes crazy as fuck, but he hasnt lost grasp on reality like jevil has. spamton has multiple plans concocted to get what he wants. hes smart! he knows what hes doing, and thats fucking Horrifying.

im tired of people saying he isnt evil or that hes just misunderstood. like yeah his circumstances are so unbelievably sad, but hes not some precious little creature who deserves to be protected... he is evil!!!!! he is evil and uses people to kill, or straight up tries to kill you himself! whether it be for freedom or his own demented plans of world domination!!!! and he outright says hes evil!!! he knows hes evil and doesnt give a shit, fuck, or damn!!!!

ok autism rant over :3 sorry if you read all that and were confused the entire time, spamton is my babygirl

[rain66]

i think today would be a good day to kill myself.

(tw: sui ideation/planning, self mutilation, abuse/animal abuse, mentions of violence, etc.)

I know my dad would check on me today since i’m supposed to leave today. That means i won’t have to worry about my body rotting for too long. And i have no other plans today. I have a couple things coming up but nothing that i’m in too deep with yet (other than my acting midterm but idcidc >.<) and yea! :3 my plan is to first go to my bathroom and see what chemicals i have lying around and see if i can mix anything toxic together to drink/eat. then ill go to the kitchen to “get a snack” but in reality im just gonna scope out where my dad is n how attentive he is n if he notices if anything with me is up. then if the coast is clear ill grab a knife from the kitchen and bring it back with me to my room. if it’s too risky to get a knife i’ll just get a snack n go back up to my room and drink/eat the chemicals i have (if i have them). if neither of those plans work then ill go with plan 3 which is to wait until night and sneak back down to the kitchen once my dad goes to sleep and get a knife and go back to my room. Then I’ll lock myself in the bathroom and lie in the tub to bleed out (so there’s less of a mess >.<) but yea ^^ so plan a: get a knife NOW and bleed out in the bathtub. plan b: drink chemicals. plan c: get a knife LATER and kill myself in the bathtub. now honestly idk if any of my plans are actually gonna go thru since a lot of it relies on how brave i am to actually do it and also how attentive my dad is to my emotions. there’s also the possibility that my extreme emotions that are making me suicidal are gonna wear off and i’m gonna not feel the need to enact these plans too. which is probably the most possible reason as to why these plans would fail. honestly…i was gonna say that i only feel this extreme right now because im hungry and severely dehydrated but i have so much more things im worried and anxious about. i’m so scared to stay alive and im so scared to move back in with my brother. i don’t wanna go back but i wanna see my cat i don’t wanna abandon her ever. but my mom say she’s gonna kill herself if i ever move out so i can’t move out. and i’m just scared i don’t wanna be the reason for her death and i don’t wanna make her angry but i don’t wanna be in that house. i don’t wanna go back to work either. but thats like. least of worries. i’m just scared of moving in with my brother. i don’t wanna hear his abuse his dogs outside of my window. i don’t wanna wake up to his screaming and shouting and throwing things. i don’t wanna see another one of his dogs die in front of me. i don’t wanna see him hit his girlfriend and scream at his kids. i don’t wanna hear him justify his actions and claim that he’s healing. i don’t wanna hear him talk about how he loves manipulating people. i don’t wanna hear him say slurs and call me names. i don’t wanna hear him bullying his girlfriend. i don’t wanna see him ever ever ever ever again. i don’t want him to die either, i just don’t wanna be in his life. i don’t wanna go home…

[sunshinelore]

ok here are my very scrambled thoughts (remember this is just silly theorizing based on the lore taylor has given us)

karlie = betty

taylor = james

maybe liz or zoë or someone else = Augustine

in my personal opinion, it’s very apparent in taylors songs that the love of her life was karlie, and in my own interpretation, taylor messed up and karlie left her.

“i lost you, the one i was dancing with”

“when a good (wo)man hurts you, and you know, you hurt [her] too”

“I was dancing when the music stopped”

all of betty taylor apologizes, proving she’s the one who messed up

“I can go anywhere I want just not home”

“I’ll be getting over you my whole”

and more and more and more and more

and as we’ve seen taylor cant stop with the kaylor references on tour, fashion, lyrics, etc. if she had ended things I don’t think she’d be as hung up as she is. I know she has a hard time getting over things/people, but she really is in deep for karlie. Here is my theory I just came up with 5 minutes ago but in my opinion makes sense. disclaimer: im not an lsk i don’t really believe they are in contact but no shame to lsks! I love y’all and again nobody knows what the truth is but them so all love to everybody and I accept all theories🫶

here’s how I think things went

kaylor is dating and they plan their big coming out. circa 2019 lover era. I think she planned the coming out, her and karlie were excited (nervous, but ready to be free) and ready to spent the rest of their lives together (not in a marriedlor way, not yet. I think taylor wanted that regardless, but karlie only wanted it if they came out maybe.) i think karlie wanted a family/kids but clearly they couldn’t have that unless they came out.

“Give you my wild, give you a child.”

I don’t think her and karlie were broken up when she was writing lover. The only song that I think really hints at that is dbatc which I just think Taylor got inspired like I don’t think it was based on current feelings.

maybe taylor got scared or the masters heist stopped it, idk, but coming out fails. I personally believe that taylor got scared because we know how important being liked is to her (I don’t wanna sound too invasive or parasocial 😭) but the sudden switch from colorful to black, the gay pride buildup just for nothing, and miss americana being a…political documentary.

Going from this

To this

We could see how anxious she was from The Archer

“I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost, the room is on fire, invisible smoke, and all of my heroes die all alone, help me hold onto you”

“Combat, I’m ready for combat”

ALL of evermore (the song). I think that song is about the failed coming out 100%

“I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone, tryna find the one where I went wrong”

“I rewind that tape but all it does is pause, on the very moment all was lost”

The whole bridge is so failed coming out coded

And when I was shipwrecked I thought of you (the coming out) In the cracks of light I dreamed of you (the coming out) to be certain we'll be tall again (that she’ll get back up) It was real enough (it was gonna happen, it wasn’t just an idea) To get me through (the knowledge that she would one day come out was enough) But I swear You were there. (Maybe she’s talking to karlie, maybe she’s talking to fans, maybe she’s re assuring herself that it was a plan and she didn’t make it up or something)

I think maybe after that taylor fell into a dark spot. I’m trying really hard not to be weird and invasive but based on songs, her graduation speech, and Taylor always having lots of drinks at any gathering, I think she might’ve become too fond of alcohol? I wouldn’t say this if This Is Me Trying didnt exist. And also:

“I’m fine with my spite, and my tears and my beers and my candles”

“I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone”

Again, really don’t wanna get too invasive but I think she might���ve cheated on karlie, as maybe an act if self sabotage, a common theme in her music.

“Why'd I have to break what I love so much?It's on your face, and I'm to blame, I need to say Hey It's all me in my head I'm the one who burned us down But it's not what I meant Sorry that I hurt you”

“I thought you were leading me on I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street Before you even knew I was gone”

“I broke his heart 'cause he was nice He was sunshine, I was midnight rain He wanted it comfortable I wanted that pain”

All themes of self sabotage, so maybe she cheated on karlie.

or the failed plan drove a wedge between them, and that’s when Taylor cheated. I think that’s where the folklore triangle comes from. I think karlie broke up with her after finding out. And then we get folklore and evermore

anyway that’s just my own thoughts lmk urs!

[ask-steven-stevenson]

[Third time of gifts. 🔑 walks up to… everyone involved in getting sucked into the ceiling, 💧, Steven, Jake, etc, and gives them all small little gifts, like small stuffed animals or candies, and goes back to the safe room to pass out (not die, I swear)]

-🔑

(I personally apologize because I’m an anxious wreck who doesn’t wanna butt in accidentally :/)

\\That’s understandable!! Just know that you are never butting in!! If i ever skipped an ask of yours im sorry!! It’s never intended!! It most likey got buried )

{Hi! Jake took it! As a treat for being silly, he gave it to Steven! Causing a small laugh from the other.}

{them being cute. As a treat..}

[monpalace]

OKAY IDEA!!! JUST GOTTA PUT THIS SOMEWHERE BEFORE I FORGET

The chain meeting Twilight’s mom (who is totally a milf) and finding out —through her directly or by stories Twi tells them that SHE told him— that Time is HER father, making Twilight his grandson

POINTS THAT I THINK ARE FUN TO EXPLORE

(Before meeting twi’s mom) Twilight telling the group about how he didn’t know much about his family outside of his ma

Tei says that he thinks his mom and her parents had a strained relationship —more with her father than mother but thats what he assumes

Twi being told that his grandpa was a fisher man at heart and could be very child like when in a good mood

Twi being told his grandma had a way with horses and how Twi natural inherited that even tho the two never met

Twi’s mom singing him ssong that his grandma sang to her (epona song?)

Twi’s mom and his grandpa rarely got along, to the point were she had left BEFORE he had died

(During/after meeting Twi’s mom) Twi’s mom nearly having a heart attack at the sight of Time, grabbing Twilight and keeping him behind her

After first interaction and Twi’s mom being reassured Time wasn’t a ghost, they all have a very tense dinner at Their home <3

Twi’s mom is aggressively doing chores as she tries to calm her mind, which isn’t working considering the boys are VERY curious

Eventually one proudly asked she knew that her and her son was related to the hero of Time, she said yes in a very bitter tone

Que the boys asking questions as mama twi passive aggressively does idly chores/cleaning (keeping her back to Time the whollleee time.)

Through gritted teeth she explains the connections. But she did say that she didn’t realize her father was the hero of Time many years AFTER he died

Can you imagine how utter horrified and disgusted Time would be in himself for driving his own daughter away

Okokay! Thats it for now, dont wanna make this too long <3

i sat here thinking you said time and twi's mom were both his parents and not like,, generational,,,,, i genuinely had the thought of "oh. his swimmers stayed alive for a hundred years after he died and was skeletonized?? that's fucking insane"

but ignoring my insanity + inability to read, that's such a good idea??

if time were to figure out that his (unborn/imaginary/planned/etc/etc) daughter was twi's mother before they met, i'd imagine he'd be anxious (in a good way) to meet her-- what with how often twi talks about her and how high in his regards she is

but also imagine if he didn't tell twi that he came to the realization before meeting her? epona's song, twi's natural taking to horses and farmwork, and every other skill handed down to him throughout the generations was an almost immediate flag to time; but then twi starts to divulge information regarding his mom and grandpa?

"ion know if he was dead before i was born, but i never got to meet 'im. she tol' me that she left on bad terms wit' 'im 'n' then he died," and time is immeadiately sent through a flurry of emotions?

what did he mean by she left of bad terms? was it just a usual family fight, or was it something more serious? did she never return? in his line of work, he expected to die, but did she attend his funeral? did they leave off so horribly that she turned her back to him entirely? was it all his fault, or was it some outside force?

time's plagued by his questions, but he doesn't ask them. he didn't want to ruin whatever relationship he had already built with grandson because who knew how much longer they'd have to travel together with whatever emotions that lingered from them

GRAHHH‼️‼️‼️ all i can say is that twi's mom is a bigger person than me,,, time would not be coming in my house and that the rest of the chain can join him in sleepin miles away if they didnt know how to read a room

[firebird-nonnette]

Personal thoughts (ignore meee)

(Incredibly long post to put my thoughts because i dont wanna write in my physical journal right now but ill lose this if i dont put it on my tumblr, which i treat as a sort of visual journal)

Been thinking about death and how to soothe my death anxiety.

I got very sick with covid and I'm still fighting it a month later. Now I have a few early signs of pneumonia, which is one of the real dangers of covid.

After 4 weeks of being very ill with something like covid and with pneumonia looming, the worst case scenario keeps revolving in my mind. It's been tickling my death anxiety and i want to try and sort it out a bit.

Im doing what I can to rest, but who knows how this'll pan out. My boyfriend caught it at the same time and got over it in 10 days or so and he's head empty no thoughts about the fact that we finally (after 4 years of never catching it) caught the thing that stopped the world and killed millions.

So, I've been thinking about death. A little anxiously. A little calmly. Mostly with a nervous puzzle-solving confusion. I want to stop being afraid of illness and death. I have hypochondria and death anxiety. Had them since about a year after my mom died of a sudden illness. They got worse in 2020, like they did with most others afflicted. I've been able to have some months here and there where my anxieties were less. They're usually characterized by less screen time, more journaling, more time spent looking out windows, more time spent reading Stoic philosophy and Compassionate Mind Therapy works, and a little investigation into Near Death Experience studies that overwhelmingly report pleasant and positive experiences of the afterlife. I also spend some time with my spirituality, but I'm a very specific type of spiritual agnostic and since my mother died there's no one in my life who believes exactly what I believe (though my bf believes about 90% of the same stuff). The good times are when I'm in more or less good health and set aside time for gratitude and slowness and lots of gentle thinking and puzzling about life and death. The best times are when I'm very grateful, very mindful, and invest in enjoying the beauty of incredibly mundane things I'm usually too anxious or desenstized to notice: the feeling of my decade-old comforter when I lay on it, how sunlight hits the curtains in the computer room, how the green tea I've been drinking for 13 years tastes, how the trees and bushes cast little shadows, how the wind smells, etc etc. These are things that are almost always accessible in everyday life, but I rarely take time with them. But, when I do, -when i honestly and completely let myself enjoy them with love and gratitude for life and the world around me- I feel the most connected to "life". It's pure joy.

I have a very hard time accessing these feelings when I'm sick or in pain. Instead, I ruminate on my anxieties or distract myself with screentime.

But, back to death:

I hate the idea of dying confused and scared. The same way I hate feeling anxious and scared when I'm sick. I want to be calm and accepting. I want to feel joy and gratitude. I'm not sure how to articulate why this is important to me, but I absolutely hate the idea of getting sick, feeling awful, feeling scared and anxious, and then dying in fear and anxiety. It is very, very, very important to me to meet (or survived brushes with) death with a calm, clear, and grateful mind.

So I've been using this sickness as an opportunity to try and work on that because, honestly, my first reaction is more anxiety than calmness.

I was considering how I might try to accept my death if it were anytime soon - either from this covid pneumonia or from something else. (Because any of us could die from almost anything any day.) This is also because my aunt, who I only got to meet once, is also in hospice right now and I can't travel to see her one last time. She's all that's left of my mom. When I met her a few years ago, I saw so much of my mom in her. Mannerisms and tones and jokes I hadn't seen or heard in 8 years were still alive in her. The sound of her voice over the phone sounds so incredibly like my mother's (of whom I only have 1 or 2 home video recordings from the 90s because she was notoriously scornful of being recorded or photographed) that I cried after our conversation ended. My aunt is 81, if she passes, she will have lived 20 more years than my mom. She came down with this illness right around my mom's 10th death anniversary. She has had a long life behind her. My mom died at 61. A bit young, but she still had a very eventful life full of stories, trials, and blessings.

When it comes to death, I'm not frightened of what's on the other side. I believe death is just as natural and neutral as birth. I believe in all the reports and studies and stories about a benevolent and beautiful "other side", just as my mom had described it when she had her own near death experience 5 years before she passed. She gave me an amazing childhood and adolescence full of wonder and wisdom and death positivity. She loved discussing mortality and spirituality and the science around death. She had equipped me, very well, to know how to mourn her. Of course, without her, I lost touch with that straightforward death positivity and became more and more anxious. But I'm trying to get back to that calm, steady acceptance I once had.

While I'm scared of dying painfully, I'm not too worried. Morphine and other interventions can help and pain is temporary and, I'm sure, forgotten when you cross.

I mostly have a certain stage fright of death. Despite my beliefs about the other side, I'd still be scared, like a novice actor backstage, of being pushed beyond the curtain to see what's on the other side and succumb to whatever it is that happens on the other side. I do take comfort knowing that every human who has ever lived, including my mother, has died and if they can do it, so can I.

One other common fear of death is the worry of leaving others behind. I'm not worried. Ethan would figure life out, eventually. He'd carry on. I've told him, in our occasional talks about death, that he should move on as soon as is right for him. I'm not worried about my friends, they'll be fine, too. I don't have kids, which is the major fear people have about dying "early", so that's fine. My sister would probably grieve a little while (she estranged herself from us, but has been trying to get back in touch a little), but she'd move on, too. Dad would be the person I'd worry about the most, but he has Debbie to take care of him and he'd also move on, eventually, though he would have the worst time of it. He's very death anxious. But, all in all, everyone would be fine. So, I'm not scared of leaving anyone behind.

If I were to die soon, I realized that I'd regret not having the chance to do more.

I'm notorious for being hyperproductive and burning myself out. But I actually feel I'd regret working so hard lol. My company doesn't need ALL of me. I wanna take more time for myself.

I don't mean I'd regret not being more productive. I'd regret not creating more. Not making more of an impact. Helping people, connecting with people.

I've already done some of that, but I want to do more before I go. I'd like to have some kind of accomplishment that's just for me for the impact I've had on others and the world. Volunteering or helping organizations or content creators I admire like Stoicism or Compassionate Mind Theory science communicators or maybe writing the books i wanna write so I can at least give people a fun little time with some stories.

Maybe it would be raising a child someday (probably adopting), though I'm on the fence about this.

But, what really gets me, is I don't know WHAT is missing. I just have a general sense of wanting to do more and consume less. I want to spend a little less time on my phone or rewatching movies and spend that time on something meaningful.

Usually, when people are close to death they regret not making more friends but I feel pretty okay. I'd meet people doing whatever the meaningful thing is I wanna do.

What bothers me is there's no way I'd be able to do a super meaningful or impactful thing between now and when this pneumonia would escalate. Soooooo I also wanna find peace that if I were to die before I could do something more, I want to accept that I did what I was able to up to this point and just be okay with that.

Because, honestly, we are all deeply impactful presences in the world even if we don't do a lot.

My writing for media psychology has had an impact on many people. I've gotten lots of comments from people saying my writing has helped them or inspired them, changed their lives. I think that's probably good enough. Maybe instead of saying I'd "regret" not doing more, the better way to think of it is "if I could live a little longer, I'd love to do more".

Anyways, I'm tired now and rest is important. I had to get these thoughts out linearly. Time for bed. Will try to spend time grateful and joyful tomorrow. This pneumonia will statistically probably get better on its own, but its been a good obstacle and lesson to learn about myself. But, just on the off-chance Im headed for serious illness or even death, I'm gonna try and enjoy everything I can for now.

[ohgodimyearning]

Not really an imagine or anything but on the subject of clockboy; does he make sound? Like ticking? Is he clockwork inside to move around or is he just designed to look like the real clock face (when you draw him humanoid that is). I like your art a lot and love picking peoples brains when the “canon”(?) real life equivalent of their FO doesn’t have a humanoid body. You two are super cute :>

OH Boy....... i have. so much like, "lore" about him it's unreal but i dont have much written down nor is it like, comprehensible. but this stuff, i DO have pretty well thought out so here's some ramblings...

on the topic of sounds:

he has a few sounds he can make, the most notable being the tick-tocking like his real life equivalent does. and for those unfamiliar, this particular rendition of the Clock Parade music has his tick-tocks at the beginning

in this version of the music, it goes in order of tick-tocks, the "jumble" music, drumroll and trumpeting, the parade music, "announcement" chime, and then hourly tolls -- of all that, the only other sound he can make as the humanoid version are the hourly tolls (the "bongs," if you will)

i think SOME of the sounds you can hear in the "jumble" he could potentially make, as well, but since the way the facade is animated during it, i don't think his humanoid form would have the like, "anatomy" for it. for simplicity sake (and my lack of good enough hearing to pick apart all the sounds and figure out what would make sense and/or be cute), he cannot make any from it in particular

so we have tick-tocks and bongs... i think he could make additional chimes (think of chimes from more standard clocks that are like small bells going off on the hour or something) but that's probably about it

he cannot talk (in my lore, when he was made, they were unable to give him the ability to speak, and he has denied the idea of being "upgraded" to be able to), and that's really the only thing im super picky about people depicting about him sound-wise.

im kinda leaning toward making him part-toon since the attraction is SO close to Toontown in Disneyland and TDL so it'd be kinda cute, so if i go that route, he could probably make any sounds that would fit any applicable gags or something idk

on the topic of clockwork aspects:

obviously as a humanoid he doesn't function like a big ol cuckoo clock like he does on the facade, but he isn't organic so he's got some clockwork aspects to him! from his ref, the main things are the gears on the back of his head, and the doors on his chest that open to a pendulum

the gears suck to draw which is why I don't draw him from the back if I can avoid it LMFAO

the gears are essentially his "brain" -- they're constantly moving at a relatively slow pace. i don't think they can be stopped (unless someone gets their finger stuck in there but why are you putting your hands back there?! even i wouldn't do that!) but SHOULD they get stopped, he wouldn't like, die or go brain dead or something. they can probably change speed (like slowing more when sleeping, racing when anxious, etc) but it's not like, super noticeable when you're facing him

the pendulum in his chest is his "heart" and is also constantly moving. however if THIS stops, he does pretty much enter an immediate state of rest/hibernation. again, this stopping wouldn't kill him, but i don't think it's pleasant to have it stop... it'd be more akin to passing out than to a heart attack though (but that's partially because it's absolutely happened a few times to him and also i dont wanna think about my favorite character having a heart attack when i get health anxiety about it... anyway)

the pendulum is what dictates how fast his tick-tocking is. the default rate of it is whatever BPM* his actual tick-tocks on the facade irl are. his pendulum fluctuates speeds much more frequently and the "rule" is they have to be divisible by a second, but it's not something i'm picky about and is kinda hard to explain lol

*I think the song is around 120 BPM and he definitely is not moving that fast like... i think his ticks and tocks are spaced like, 1.25 seconds apart or something REALLY weird. it's not a 1:1 ratio like a standard clock and it is the only thing i would change about him

OH and also, in my non-canon alt design of him, his chest does open on the quarter hour to show the time. only time it doesn't is when he's sleeping/resting. he can probably latch it closed somehow but it's probably a Whole Thing

[bunnihearted]

☁️🌷

[officialgleamstar]

okay i get really awkward and anxious when publicly talking about my aus and stuff because of mental health reasons, but if i dont word vomit ill die actually so hey. Hey. you want stud to be alive and happy, yes? come here. oakvale wedding au (<- placeholder name but every placeholder name i make always ends up sticking its a curse)

spoilers for at the mountains of dadness, the oakvale arc for season 1, and also probably church of the doodler stuff in season 2, so ill tuck this under a cut lol

so obviously, hildy survived the end of AMOD because of stud banishing the doodler, but then him and hildy got sent to the forgotten realms due to the same spell. from there, based on episode 40 from season 1, it seems that stud never made it to oakvale while hildy did (his zombie was still wearing his cap and clothes etc etc).

but. BUT. what if... he was also brought to oakvale, like hildy was, and saved? and thats the entire premise of the au but it spirals out in my head because nothing is ever simple for me

first off. the ship no one has ever mentioned. stud and hildy should just be married, okay. i do fully think stud is gay, but like, platonically married. i think they were qpps before there was a word for that. i know this is so random but I JUST... hildy offering to read the script to stud so he could learn too. hildy learning one spell, just one, and choosing to learn one that would heal stud's eyes... and then stud using his one spell to save the world, yes, but also Very Directly save hildy... stud was the first one in the group who knew that hildy was hildy, and hes also the last one to know her as hildy. THEY ARE IN (platonic) LOVE TO ME. over just a few days, they bonded so much (all of the amod crew did) and it makes me wanna shake em in a cocktail shaker. i want them to have more time together :(

plus, im just a huge fan of sunshine/sunshine ships, and i think stud and hildy fit that bill. which ships us along to my next point-! i think stud would fucking LOVE the forgotten realms and he deserves to explore it. hes such an optimistic and cheery guy, he has the stars in his eyes, and he deserves to have a fun fantasy adventure!!! plus, i think hildy and stud having each other in this fantastical new world would be very soothing for one another. theyre both very similar in that theyre excitable and upbeat, and i think their differences (stud is better at putting up for himself and those around him, hildy is deeply curious and more aggressively ambitious, stud is more respectful while hildy is gungho) just help to bolster one another and make each other even better. they would fucking kill it as an adventuring duo

also hildy is 4'11 while stud is described as "extremely large" so um. yeah. i want them to be partners ☝️

okay sorry im finally done talking about stud and hildy and why they should be together ANYWAYS. THE ACTUAL AU. obviously, this is an au where hildy and stud both settle into oakvale (or, well, pre-oakvale since barry founded it) after the ending of amod! i dont think its ever fully explained how hildy survived the transportation to the forgotten realms? she was just saved by an elven man. well okay, stud was saved too then, and when hildy wakes up, the first thing she sees is one of her new friends in the medical cot next to her, asleep, and an elven man watching over them. from there, she learns that theyre in another dimension, probably has to do a sanity roll, etc etc but shes absolutely fascinated by this new world

and once he wakes up, stud is, too! the elven man who saved them - hildys future husband, of course - lets them stay with him, listens to their stories in awe, absolutely adores hildy's camera and hildy adores his knowledge in return. hildy and the man hit it off right away, visibly so, and stud just kinda... waits to be pushed off to the side, because its clear theyre going to be in love, and he knows hes not gonna get in the way of that. stud only gets the girl if its a stageplay, and he doesnt really want the girl anyways, even if hildy means a lot more to him than any other woman he's ever known. they adventure together, stud protecting her just as much as he keeps her out of trouble with locals, but they always come back to hildy's elf. eventually, stud is sure, its going to be only him leaving, and then he doesnt get to come back.

but hildy doesnt leave him behind. even as her relationship grows, still unlabeled but obvious, hildy spends just as much time with stud as she does her elven man. shes on him like white on rice, and she calls stud "her partner" more than she calls him her friend, challengingly, as if daring someone to separate them, and he likes it, but its confusing. because theyre not involved, and he doesnt like women like that, and he doesnt think she likes him like that. eventually, he brings it up, late one night while theyre out in the wilderness alone and trying to chart the new constellations overhead.

stud: hildy, you call me your partner a lot. i shoulda said something sooner, i know, im sorry, but i dont really like the ladies like that hildy: oh, i know, stud. i picked that up as soon as i watched you talk to meryl for five seconds, hah! stud: but you still call me your partner? hildy: aw, stud, i dont gotta be your dame to be your partner! we're something more than friends at this point, aren't we? ive never felt the way i feel for you before, and it might not be romance, but its special. don't you feel the same?

and he does, is the thing. he has for a long time now, and so he accepts it, and so theyre partners. even when hildy is officially together with her boyfriend, and then her husband, stud is there, too. hes part of their wedding (hence the placeholder name lol), hes part of their family, hes always there there there for hildy.

until barry grows up and starts oakvale, welcoming his parents and their partner to move into his commune. until barry 'needs help' with his experiments connecting with another world. until barry asks stud to go down into the hatch and stud obliges, because barry is his son too, and maybe barry feels a lot like a second chance at helping willy. stud obliges, because barry wouldnt put him in danger, and of course stud is the most helpful for this task, because stud came out of that research facility in the first place.

stud doesnt come out of that research facility, and hildy has gotten used to stud being the one to stick up for her by then, and so she isnt prepared to handle barrys manipulation on her own. but thats getting into canon. i can let anthony handle all that

listens to amod and immediately forms my own delusion au formed around a ship that i have never seen anyone else even mention as a possibility because i need to cope with gaining and then promptly losing four hot 1930s film workers

[flops]

its almost the 7th and i havent written anything yet lets go 👍

[demoiselettes]

Morning dear ! ( is it okay if call you that? )

Can i get a match up?

My name's Scarlett I have long green ( dyed ) hair with a "caramel - color like skin tone" I have blue eyes and im fairly skinny yet chubby. I'm Pansexual And Genderfluid;

I'm an isfj, my house is ravenclaw

I like, Cats, anything blue, flowers and peace

Dislikes: Crowded spaces and the dark

I have asthma ( diagnosed by a proffesional )

My personality is well um.... I tend to switch moods all the time i could be crying from. Angry and angry to anxious and anxious to happy. But lets ignore that pls- im very kind and caring to the ones i love ( i will punch anyone who hurts them. ) and also clueless, to sum it up i dont know how to do basic things, like... cooking. How to hold a BROOM ( yes ik thats stupid )

If i get close to someone their gonna die from clinginess, oh their walking? Mission: send hugs to them until they cant breathe

Oh they like chocolates? Well im broke so im gonna beg my mother to buy me all the chocolates in the store

My hobbies are: watching movies, painting, reading books ( mostly fantasy ones ) and roleplaying

My pronouns are any ( as long as you're kind )

Most people call me ali ( my middle name they're to lazy to say scarlett )

And that's it honestly!

Hope you do my request^ ^

Eventide

I match you with Kyojuro Rengoku!

A/n: sure you can! I love nicknames XD

•The two of you make make Mitsuri squeal so much Obanai is worried.

•Oh, you’re clingy? Not a problem! Because Kyojuro would die to get even one hug from you so if you keep trying to hug him, it’s a win-win.

•His greetings come in the forms of hugs, head pats and nose bops.

•Like, say you two haven’t seen each other in a while, when you do meet, he’s gonna rush at you like sonic and tackle you with a hug

•He absolutely adores it when you give him gifts, and then he gifts you something back and then..it’s a competition to see who can gift the loveliest present to the other to show their love.

•You can’t cook? Haha he cools for you. literally anything you ask him to. Sometimes they may be slightly burnt but oh well

•And Senjuro has a really fun time trying to teach you how to cook(if you’re willing to learn of course, otherwise he’s very content simply being in your presence while he cooks). you’re sort of like an older sibling to him!

•Roleplaying? Oh boy he’s gonna be so into that once he learns about your interest in the field.

•Like, literally anything that you wanna roleplay, he’s into it’s a fun way to relieve stress. and goodness does he take roleplaying seriously you might believe you’re actually living the scenario

•He’s always, always bringing back books and brushes for you. What does be want in return? Your smile ugly sobbing

•He doesn’t mind your mood swings. He has a knack for dealing with emotions in a proper way from having to deal with his father, and he’ll most probably never get angry at you for jumping from one mood to another.

•Senjuro and Kyojuro are forever in awe of your hair. I mean, they have flame motif hair themselves but your green hair is so pretty Kyojuro has to resists the urge to run his fingers through them often

•If he meets you after you’ve dyed your hair he might ask you if you’ve been eating only the cherry blossom leaves sakura mochis are wrapped in he used to be mitsuri’s mentor okay

•He loves staring into your eyes. i don’t make the rules.

•He’s super concerned about the fact that you have asthma.

•This dude’s gonna be mother henning around you so much, constantly asking you to take it easy, not to exert yourself, etc.. and visits to Shinobu have become a regular thing because he’s always so worried about your health

•He pinches your cheeks a lot :3

•Brings you flowers whenever he can. whether it be flower crowns or bouquets or flower arrangement pots with each flower having a specific meaning that reminds him of you

•Often brings you to see Mitsuri so that the both of you can fangirl about cats. Meanwhile a very love-struck Kyojuro and equally love-struck but also tired Obanai are just- standing at the back???

•You like peace, he likes peace. and you’re one more reason that encourages him to do his best to slay demons.

•He makes sure to always have a candle lit up in your room at night, and on days when he has to leave on a mission, he makes sure you have enough of those so that you won’t be alone in the dark in your room

•He asks Senjuro to check up on you too, and the boy is more than happy to comfort you in case of any unease

•If you’re out in public, he’ll make sure to hold your hand quite tightly and even more so if it’s a crowded area.

•If you start showing signs of any discomfort, he’ll pull you into a secluded area and wait for you to feel better. during that time he’s gonna be rubbing circles into your back or simply holding you close

•Your happiness and safety are his priorities and the conclusion is that we all need a Kyojuro in our life

[silenthillmutual]

dyou have any tips on writing ocd?? i dont have it (im p sure but like adhd symptoms can be a little confusing sometimes) and i dont wanna like. get it horribly wrong

heya! thank you for asking!

i had to think about this a little bit and here are some things i came up with:

like with all neurodivergencies, most ocd rep sucks whether it’s canon or implied so don’t take your cues from things like glee (this probably goes without saying but i figured i’d state it anyway)

most ocd rep is things like clealiness or symmetry and those are obsessions that exist! but they’re far from the only obsessions that exist and it’s a little disheartening that ocd rep is just Ha Ha Isn’t It Funny We Upset This Guy By Farting. there are religious obsessions and sexual obsessions and violence-related obsessions and other sorts of obsessions, which leads me to:

ocd is really horrible and frightening to deal with and a lot of people don’t talk about it because their intrusive thoughts make them feel like they are inherently bad people and feel that talking about the intrusive thoughts is dangerous. 

like obsessions there are tons of different compulsions, not just hand-washing or shower-taking. hoarding can be compulsive, counting and re-counting can be compulsive, checking locks and stove tops can be compulsive, flicking light switches can be compulsive, apologizing can be compulsive...

some compulsions are tied to obsessions in ways that logically make sense like avoiding contamination by washing your hands, but a lot of them don’t make any sense. one i saw referenced a couple of times on ocd twitter was flicking a light switch a certain number of times to make violence-based obsessions stop.

i don’t think i mentioned this yet but the “obsessions” are obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts that you get and the “compulsions” are things you do to prevent them. it’s not obsession in the same way hyperfixation or special interest is an obsession (which is not to say that someone w ocd won’t hyperfixate, just that meaning here is different). so for example you can have obsessive intrusive thoughts that you are an inherently sinful person who is going to hell, and feel compelled to confess to every single sinful thing you ever think or say or do to anyone who’ll listen.

doing compulsions is really bad for you!! it reinforces the cycle.

while we’re on that topic actually: i keep trying to describe the difference between stimming and compulsions and the best way i can think to describe it as someone who does both is this -- stimming is done to self-soothe and because it’s fun! compulsions aren’t fun. you might feel anxious if you don’t stim because you’re overwhelmed, but you feel anxious if you don’t do compulsions because you’re afraid that means something bad will happen like someone will die or an accident will happen or something along those lines. compulsions only give you the illusion of feeling better. playing with your earrings because you like the jangling sound they make is stimming. spinning around in a circle exactly seven times because six and eight are “bad numbers” and you will feel bad or uneven if you don’t do it the exact right way the exact number of times is a compulsion.

do not and i mean do not ever ever ever give an ocd character an intrusive thought they act on! intrusive thoughts are not the same as impulsive thoughts! intrusive thoughts are not things you want to do (no matter how much your brain tries to convince you that secretly you do because w ocd your brain fucking hates you) and they are not things you will do, they are things that scare you!

like all other things ocd has a spectrum of severity and some people with ocd will be able to handle it with therapy and some will need medications. there’s nothing wrong with either of those.

exposure therapy is something you only do in a controlled environment with a therapist

ocd can be brought on by trauma

things can trigger your ocd

there’s also this thing some people w ocd get called hypermorality where you can get going on a rant about things that don’t fit your personal morals / ethics / etc and you feel like the anger is really self-righteous but after a while you crash and burn and you realize you’ve pushed a lot of people away

i recommend following @ocdkomaeda who is a therapist-in-training with more years diagnosed than me and also because i love them many. idk if he might have more things to look for but. yeah!!! gl

[skunked-up-kicks]

Omg... same... I don't remember my first reaction to that kevin-andrew staring line, but like for example, it took me a while to get why Nicky warned Neil not to look too much at Kevin. And when people interpret things sexually/romantically in the fandom I'm definitely surprised, like the cigarette pack in Andrew's back pocket turned into staring at his ass etc. I did find stuff like Andrew brushing Neil's back more telling, but I didn't read every moment from a sexual attraction lense u know

I don't know if my last ask made sense but basically same sometimes im like "oh you guys think this line is about attraction. ok. i didn't know that" i feel like i learnt to see the romance/attraction in most of it bc i remember i felt like neil for the longest time -- i didn't see the signs of 'attraction' a lot of the time, though i did see more blatant flirting

lil disclaimer thingy: i understand everyone reads book differently and is coming from different perspectives, and i'm not intending to shame anyone or anything, just wanna talk about my experience reading aftg.

so, if i'm being honest... i do genuinely find it so baffling that people read certain scenes (mainly book 1 scenes) as sexual. like you mentioned the infamous 'neil sussed the twins out by which one had a cigarette packet in their back pocket' scene that people have turned into 'neil was ogling andrew's ass'. which.. neil is a respectful king and would never, okay? i hate when ppl make him into a fucking creep :// but also it's a good example of an early moment in the series that showed how observant and clever neil could be so it also makes me sad that the moment got stripped of that in favour of it being sexual :(

anyway, besides sexual clearly not being how it's intended to be read, it's also weird to me because like... my mind was not at all in the place to be reading scenes as sexual when i first read that scene.

we've just been introduced to neil not that long ago, and he's been presented to us as a traumatized teenager who's been squatting in his highschool's gym locker room, seems to have a nicotine addiction, is really anxious, has seen his mum die, and i'm also pretty sure there's lines about how lonely neil is and about how much he's grieving his mum. not that long before the cigarette-in-back-pocket scene doesn't neil have a moment at the window where he thinks "one of us has to make it mum"??

what i'm very poorly trying to explain is that, at least when i first read the books, i was really attached to neil early on and more importantly i was really protective of him. cause he's a child really... and a very hurt and distressed one at that, who's in a new and clearly unsafe environment. andrew's group is not presented in a good light early on, so i was rightfully suspicious and untrusting of them. how people can be given a character like neil in a situation like that and be playing matchmaker almost immediately is... yeah.

like... my mind wasn't in the place to be going "oooo neil thinks one of them has a nice ass!!🥴🥴"... LIKE? the scenes before certainly aren't set up in a way that's leading you down that train of thought...

it's the same as the scene where neil puts andrew's hand under his shirt, people talked about seeing that as sexual too. but andrew's been raped literally like 2 or 3 pages ago??? when i read those kinds of posts i can't help but think "how is this what's on your guys minds right now??..."

plus, when people say they saw these moments as sexual attraction they are often also implying they were thinking "maybe they'll get together". which is why i mentioned that i didn't trust andrew's group, cause i assumed everyone else felt the same, so i also assumed that like me they wouldn't be thinking of neil possibly getting with any of them... cause if you don't think they're trustworthy... why would you? i just wanted to protect neil from them ngl :') the only other character i liked at the time besides neil was wymack cause he actually showed that he cared about neil's wellbeing.

even that scene where andrew runs his fingers also neil's back, i honestly thought andrew was trying to intimidate neil... cause i didn't fucking like or trust andrew! he had non-con drugged not that long ago and i was still pissed at him and his group at the time. plus, andrew had used touching neil as a way to try and intimidate him before that so. even if i had picked up on the fact that andrew was attracted to neil from that during my first read, i wouldn't have thought they'd be getting together, or even wanted them too lol.

also because, aside from what i've said, there was also the fact neil told us he didn't swing... some scenes happened before that but most that people talk about happened after. if i'm reading a book and i'm having moments where i'm thinking maybe someone is attracted to the main character it's because i assume something might actually happen!

but i believed neil was aro/ace and so i wasn't looking for moments of neil being attracted to people, or moments of others being attracted to him. i never really bothered trying to read between the lines, it never even crossed my mind for so long... cause i had already set my mind on "neil won't end up with anyone". i only remembering it occurring to me at the "doesn't mean i wouldn't blow you" scene.

and honestly, when that happened i remember thinking something like "andrew's gonna end up getting rejected". idk? i never doubted neil was aspec, i started off thinking he was aro/ace like i said but i never went "oh he's gay", i just went "oh so he's not aro/ace but he's somewhere on the spectrum of being asexual".

and also tbh... i liked that neil never thought of things sexually. it was nice :'( and seeing his own thoughts and actions getting interpreted in that way, especially after we should have been under the assumption he wasn't interested in things like that... it rubs me the wrong way.

(i know aro/ace ppl can have relationships and/or have sex, but the way neil presented his sexuality and acted when hit on. to me, it made it seem like he was completely uninterested in either)

i can understand going back through the book after reading for the first time and being like "oh andrew's actions or words here might have been partially motivated by his attraction to neil at the time!", but through the first read? and for neil?? it's weird to me...

this is quite long so sorry bout that lol, i think i'll leave it here. it's nice to see someone else feel a similar way anyway ;^;

again, i don't think it's wrong if people read it differently. it just confuses me cause it's so different from my experience reading it and what i would expect it to be like for others