#im an adult with multiple college degrees and yet if i'm not paying attention i sound like an actual alien clown

[intermundia]

the horror of realizing that the prequels character i quote most in my day to day life is actually jar jar. the way fucking jar jar's lines got embedded in my brain when i was an innocent and malleable child and never left. "okee-day" "how wude" "exsqueeze me." how did it come to this. humiliating

[aces-spade-palace]

A story for those that need it. (TW for depression, suicide, SH, and abuse talk) Life has gotten insanely better since I was younger. When I first found Tumblr, I was a depressed, suicidal pre-teen. Tumblr actually made my life so much worse. I got into the dark side. The self harm side. I would compare myself to others and wish I could do worse. I would starve myself and now I'm paying the price for it. Now I look back and see how bad it was. At the time I had no idea half of what I was doing needed medical attention. Now I look at my scars (since I worked in healthcare for 6 years) and see that I probably should have gotten stitches for many of the things I did. I had attempted. I had wanted to end it all. That continued through high school and into adult hood. I had wanted to end it so many times. I thought I hated my parents when they were trying to do the best for me. I screamed and cried myself to sleep most nights because I just hated being here. I had 7 therapists in 5 years. One trip to the psych ward. I have been in abusive relationships and friendships. Lied to and cheated on. I made terrible decisions that could have killed me and I didn't give a damn. Up until a few years ago, I had thought I would be better off dead. I was also close-minded. I was an asshole and genuinely just a terrible person. Now, I'm 25. I found that I am an agender, queer being who enjoys pole dancing and theatre. I also was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I am getting married in just a few months. I am working job that I make 50k in without a college degree. I have three cats and we are going to start looking to buy a house after we get married. I am genuinely happy and content with my life. I learned to love myself. Yes, I have my days where I look in the mirror and get dysphoric, I get insecure, but more often that not anymore, I am starting to love myself again. It takes time. A lot of it, but at the end, it is really worth it. YOU do have to put in the work, even if you don't want to, even if you're being forced to, but I promise you that life can be so so worth it. I lived my dream job. I moved out from my parents house and our relationship got better. People have told me they look up to me and that they are proud of me. Yes, boundaries had to be set, my heart had to break on multiple occasions, and I got hurt countless times, but that is a part of healing. The hardest part of it all is doing the things you have to do for yourself. Cutting ties with the people who are genuinely causing you harm, with the things causing you harm, even if you don't realize it. You might feel like you're being selfish, taking care of yourself, but that's because you haven't done that yet. And when I say taking care of yourself, I don't mean go live in the woods in a cabin and hibernate. I mean confronting what is causing you harm. Taking care of your body and mind. Have the difficult conversations, and actually taking steps to improve your wellbeing. No I don't post this to brag, I post it to show that life can change for the better, and it is possible. It just takes work. You got this. My situation is not like everyone else's and I know that. But it is possible to get better, and if no one reads this, that's okay. If only one person reads this and realizes that life can get better, I would be ecstatic. I just want you to know that it is okay to not be okay, and this feeling is temporary. You can do this, and I believe in you. Stay Safe, Stay beautiful, Stay Handsome, Stay Wonderful, and be the best version of you that you can be. You are loved and you are cared for. If you need anything, reach out. I'll be here, and if im not, someone will be here for you.