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arkus-rhapsode · 1 year ago

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I want to talk about Crimson Flower and 3H as a narrative

So... after FE3H discourse makes the round every other week, I end up thinking about it for a bit until I realize, hey maybe its better to not focus on a 4 year old game at this point and occupy your time with something else. Everything has basically been said about it at this point and you know where you land.

But this time my thoughts were just getting too strong for me to ignore, so that's why I'm writing this both get it out of my system and maybe just be another voice in the crowd that some people might want to listen to on the divisive topic that is Crimson Flower route.

Now I really hate that I have to put this disclaimer up front, but I feel like the well of this discussion has become so poisoned that I have to before I make my piece. I want to say that if you enjoy Crimson Flower, if you love Edelgard and believe she did nothing wrong and this is the right route, if you are a Black Eagles stan and you genuinely do not have any issues with Crimson Flower route as a whole-that is perfectly fine.

This will be a somewhat critical examination of the narrative choices about the execution of CF, which I feel like whenever 3H, specifically Edelgard is discussed, there is often very disingenuous arguments people make. Which I believe can create more defensive fans of a particular aspect of a story that we should be able to criticize freely. Which perpetuates this never ending cycle of discourse of legit criticism and defense against that criticism becomes drowned out by trying to decouple these very disingenuous claims from legitimate flaws. So I at least want to make it known that I am going to try my best to be in good faith with this post about this tricky subject.

I also want to just say, this is also going to be mostly an examination of narrative. The thing that I personally enjoy the most in an FE game, but we need to genuinely acknowledge that narrative isn't the only reason why people may like Fire Emblem. The ability to form parasocial relationships with fictional characters and being able to experience something the genuinely brings you emotional fulfillment is not invalid. Being able to enjoy fighting against establishments or ideologies you in the real world disagree with through the experience of a video game is not invalid. The same way someone who plays this game for the experience of gameplay isn't invalid when their primary enjoyment stems from the actual mechanics rather than the "logistics" of the story. The point I'm trying to make is that everyone will engage in media in different ways and will enjoy it other ways and that you don't want to invalidate those feelings someone had with their personal experience. So this is going to be about me and my experience as someone who primarily enjoys narrative.

I am just one guy with opinions who is going to layout what I had an issue with and how I think for me that could've been improved upon. You don't have to agree with me on that, and I'm not saying my way is legitimately better. This is all opinionated.

Buckle this is a long one

First things first Im gonna say Im not going to be using any information given in Three Hopes that may contradict what Im about to say. As in my opinion Three Houses came first and does not include the content from Three Hopes so I should think that Three Houses can stand on its own merits and the content that was provided.

Next thing is I want to catch people up on what in my opinion are the points I think CF did for me that ultimately left me unsatisfied

The post time skip Fodlan was too different and felt contradictory to Byleth's role

Edelgard's Characterization in CF in comparison to the other lord's in their respected routes

The role of Rhea

The role of Those who Slither in the Dark

SO the first thing is probably the thing I'm mostly going to have to defend if I haven't lost you already, but Fire Emblem Three Houses as a narrative provides us with a five year time skip in the game that depending on the route will change who is control of the monastery at this point in the war, with each route providing a lord the chance the forge their campaign. However, something I don't think is brought up enough is talking about the liberties that CF takes with their time skip vs the other three routes. Azure Moon, Verdant Wind, and Silver snow all paint a post five years Fodlan as one where the monastery territory has been abandoned, Rhea has been captured, the Alliance territory is split between an imperialist faction and an anti imperialism faction, and the Kingdom has been split with Cornelia making an alliance with the Empire to create the Dukedom of Faerghus as the houses of Gautier and Faldarius hold up the Kingdom.

There are obviously minor changes like Dimitri camping out in the monastery in Azure Moon rather than in the care of Kingdom Allies, but for the most part there is a consistently defined world between the three routes. However, Crimson Flower's post Fodlan is much different. With a grid locked Fodlan after five years with just the church territory falling under the control of Adrestia, Rhea wasn't captured and instead made it to Faerghus, The Alliance is still feuding amongst itself, but most importantly than all, Faerghus is a complete kingdom with Dimitri as King and no Cornelia's Dukedom.

So there are two main reasons why this bothers me.

The first is that Three Houses as a game wants to present you with three options at first, with the idea that your choices will effect the outcome of the war when Byleth returns, however there's enough consistency to imply that this is what Fodlan would be like regardless of whose House you would join, with the primary effect being your class making it to the church for the festival which in turn will make the monastery your new territory for which route. However, Crimson Flower decides to do away with the consistency, implying that the effect Byleth had on the situation is far greater than that of any other route resulting in a drastically shifted Fodlan. So this is more of a problem with FE3H as a whole with the consistency of choice. Fire Emblem has never really had a BioWare style choose your own adventure type of game. There's only one real choice you're given in the case of 3H and that's which house you side with, which you are essentially locked into. Black Eagles is really the only route that offers a choice beyond that with choosing to side with Edelgard or Rhea which will effect who the class sides with in the time skip. The reason I bring this up is that it essentially means that you the player are for the most part on rails for a predetermined plot where all the choices for the series have already been made. So the Fodlan post five years being consistent makes some sense as essentially mostly everything that happened in White Clouds was the same with the acceptation of the class. However, the Crimson Flower one not being consistent and being so radically different based on a game with so minimal choice feels more like an act of narrative convenience. That this is what happened because of a writer fully independent from me the player had decided that this is how Fodlan shall be for this story because it fits what they want to tell.

Somewhere I had once read that FE3H shouldn't be treated as one story, but since its a bunch of routes they're all a different universe. Everything might look the same but everything is fundamentally altered that you should accept it as an independent universe. And I can't necessarily say that's wrong as the concept of multiverses is to create a world/scenario that allows to explore familiar characters in unfamiliar settings and you could say that Byleth effect on Edelgard in picking this universe was just so much greater that it would result in such a different universe.

I personally disagree with that which brings me to my second point as I believe this one is going to be a more philosophical point on game design. But I feel like the effort to make three routes so consistent with each other with one so different seems to deliberately undercut the core themes of the game. Offering you a choice that this is who you get to spend your happy schools days with and it is what is going to result in them returning to the monastery one the day of your return. That is the true effect of Byleth on the characters. But as you play through white clouds you can't change what happens to other characters which will result in a brand new scenario. Byleth's presence can never stop Dimitri from going blood mad, Byleth's presence can't stop Claude from discovering the Immaculate One research, and Byleths presence can't stop Edelgard from declaring war. And that is a good thing for this type of on rails route story. Byleth while a player insert who can help their lord in the future, right now everyone is on a path that Byleth can only lightly change. With the characters acting independently of what Byleth and the player desire. And the post time skip Fodlan is a sign of that. Its Five Years without Byleth. This is what these characters would do, that they were always capable of doing and that is why Byleth's return and effect on them is important. This also gives us the ability to observe what a lord is like now after the war, and Byleth's effect on them but also see what a character could be like without that Byleth effect on them. Without Byleth Dimitri stays mad, without Byleth Claude always flees Fodlan, without Byeth Edelgard... well lets put a pin in that.

The only other true choice the player can make beyond the initial one is the side with Edelgard or Rhea which radically alters her. Which honestly feels kinda defeating in a game that has locked Byleth so much on a path and the one time it can deviate actively alters everything. It just feels very hollow as there are parts that make you realize how great the effect Byleth could have on people's lives could be if the game actively wanted to integrate choice with the plot. But it didn't. It wants to make one early choice then lock you in that route for several chapters then remove Byleth and then have their return effect real change on the future of Fodlan. Except for this one route. Its why Crimson Flower feels so much like an asterisk compared to the other route. And I don't just mean the lack of chapters, but this feels like a route that can only exist because it was the one that the developers bothered to create something overly deviating from everything else.

Which brings us to Edelgard's role in Crimson Flower as a whole. Now lets just get this out of the way. Im not going to be talking at all on the morality/realistic implications of what Edelgard is doing. I feel like the "Is she a fascist/authoritarian" conversation is not really helpful to talking about FE3H as a work of narrative and mostly exists to create a bunch of petty beef. This is also not going to be a deconstruction of ever minute detail of Edelgard as a character. This is an examination of her as a character in the narrative that we are presented. This will also involve comparison's to Edelgard and other series lords and I want it to be known that this is not a talking down to the only female lord in the game as being something "lesser" than her male contemporaries. I believe there is genuinely sexism when discussing Edelgard as a character, so I want to say that I am approaching Crimson Flower and Three Houses as a whole in a good conscious that there is not a "right route." That this is a game that where all choices have their pros and their cons. Because that's why we like this entry, right? That 3H would provide us some genuinely complex lords who were all capable of doing great and terrible things regardless of gender?

That's why I had such a long winded discussion about why the change in the post time skip Fodlan is so important both for narrative consistency, but also just generally keeping with the tone, but also it reinforced that Fodlan and its lords while all righteous in their own way can be dangers in their own way. Well that's when I return to the pin about Edelgard. So first I want to go through how the lords are characterized in non devoted routes.

Dimitri in non AZ routes is portrayed as someone so damaged by loss that his who response is to avenge and fight. To never stop making those pay for the damage it has brought on his kingdom as well as any lives lost during the tragedies in places like Duscar and Remire.

Claude in non VW routes is portrayed as a brilliant individual with a lot of charm but seems to be hiding something from everyone. He's a lot smarter than one could assume and that he has some mysterious tie to the kingdom of Almyra that he departs after leaving his land to the stronger kingdom that has come so far, be it Dimitri or Edelgard or the Church.

Edelgard in non CF routes is portrayed as a conspirator to overthrow not only the church but all rule in Fodlan as she believes the Crest based system is flawed and that the only way to enact systemic change is through a single rule. And while she is aware her ideals have costs, she believes that those costs are worth it when weighed against perpetuity of the crest system.

Now I want to talk about what happens to those lords as you play them in their routes.

Dimitri in AZ is portrayed as someone burdened by loss and his quest for vengeance has led to a neglect for his own health and his own actions. That his kill everyone attitude will perpetuate more loss of those he loves and that he needs to learn to rely upon others. That is his true responsibility as king.

Claude in VW is portrayed as an individual who is outside of Fodlan's system who has observed it more as a third party and believes it can be a great place if people work through diplomatically. He too is not a fan of inequality and racism and wishes to make a Fodlan that is more accepting and able to work through negotiation. While he still leaves Fodlan at the end, this time he has been able to implement real systemic change and make one that is sustainable beyond that of a ruler.

In CF we find out that Edelgard is a traumatized girl who was experimented on for the purposes of Crest Research. This makes her a conspirator to overthrow not only the church but all rule in Fodlan as she believes the Crest based system is flawed and that the only way to enact systemic change is through a single rule. And while she is aware her ideals have costs, she believes that those costs are worth it when weighed against perpetuity of the crest system.

Hey wait a minute, that's the same?

So this is where I get to the most glaring flaw for me in this case of narrative and why I think altering the post time skip so much did a lot of damage. Edelgard is a good character and a fascinating one, but in the practice of her narrative, her character journey in her own route isn't like the other lords. Rather she is "right" from the start of the time skip and with the world altering in ways to justify why she is that way.

Now look, I know right now someone could be saying I can't read, that its clearly stated in the text that Edelgard says without Byleth she may have turned into a complete monster to see her goals through to the end. This is referring to how in non CF routes she is on the backfoot getting beaten back and forced to take more drastic measures as whoever Byleth comes closer to ending her ideals. Unlike Dimitri or Claude there's not really a psychological arc she is working through with her sociological arc. Dimitri's arc is almost entirely hinged on him as a character changing in his route. And while Claude the character is also mostly the same, you get an understanding of how his continued participation in Fodlan's politics is so important as he effects sociological change. Claude also does the less stuff that could be considered questionable in Fodlan. He neither initiates the war nor does he intimate greater conflict that is tied into a character arc like Dimitri. Claude action's through the war are mostly to keep the Alliance fighting against each other with avoids giving one side a greater advantage. The truth is Claude real "flaw" is that by being an Almyra he is from a race outside of Fodlan that is inherently untrustworthy in society so his continued prescience in his expanded campaign is done with changing that mentality.

Now one could look at everything I said about Claude and say "well isn't that Edelgard though? She's not the one who needs to change but rather society needs to and this is you making it a fruition?" And I would agree however, then why did post time skip need to change and not Edelgard? So going back to the altered Fodlan, the Fodlan post time skip we see in non CF routes has what can be argued Edelgard's biggest moment of political conquest, making an alliance with Cornelia inside of Faerghus using her authority and influence to expand and bring over a chunk of the kingdom underneath Edelgard's wing. And this makes sense with what has been proposed before us-Edelgard had released a manifesto to lords that would side with her and become her allies in the war to come. This act of subversion is something that benefits her goals for conquering all of Fodlan. However, this is one of the key alterations in CF's time skip. Faerghus is not broken in half, with Edelgard having not empowered Cornelia over the five years. In fact, you do battle with Cornelia with her as a kingdom general.

So if Edelgard isn't a character who is subject to change, why did the world change? Well there is speculation in universe that perhaps Rhea fleeing to Faerghus didn't give her the ability. But I do believe the most likely reason is that narratively the writers of 3H wanted to avoid a scenario where while Byleth was gone Edlegard may have empowered and individual like Cornelia. One of the most objectively evil characters in the game. Now I won't go into to detail if I believe Edelgard knew Cornelia was a TWSITD or not, but as it is presented to us, she seems unaware. Instead I'll focus on the primary point is where they don't want to discuss that while in her route Edelgard was capable of doing something that would potentially cast her in such a negative light. After all, the point of her campaign is the while the bloodshed is worth it to make a new Fodlan free of crests, she's willing to show lenency to those who bend the knee. Again, an action not unreasonable for her character. However, I feel like this not happening in CF genuinely robs us from exploring the flaws of Edelgard's path/showing us what Byleth's effect on her truly is.

This is compounded by my issues with how CF is the only route in which you have an active choice beyond class. That by choosing to side with Edelgard when given the option in the tomb would result in this much radical history alteration. But also all of Byleth's effect on her not being as much conqueror over the last 5 years was all done pre time skip. That all that change was done at that moment rather than being something that prompted her to return to Garreg Mach where they'd remeet Byleth and then that would get them to claim it as a base of oppositions in their future war. In CF, Garreg Mach is already claimed rather than the formation of the Dukedom with no real progress. So it makes it seem as though Byleth's real effect on altering this lord's path was always possible in the short time they knew them before disappearing over five years. Of course this is again a bit miffling given that CF is the only route this is a possibility. We can't Change how Dimitri will act in the pre time skip. That he will make choices without Byleth even if they feel urged to remeet at Garreg Mach. But in the case of CF, Edelgard has apparently been changed despite the only real difference in white clouds fighting beside her in the tomb and against the church pre timeskip. But that has sociologically altered so much of Fodlan.

And maybe you genuinely believe that one extra change is enough. Perhaps that one extra choice is enough justification for such a radically new scenario. For me personally, I find that unsatisfying and feels more like the writers traded in a level of consistency for this new scenario that greater justified being on the side of someone who is portrayed as a more active antagonistic force in other routes (Reminder this not me saying the Empire route is an antagonist route. All routes are antagonistic relative to which side you are on).

This is where we get my first what I would've done to make it more narratively satisfying for me. Keep the same post time skip Fodlan as the other routes. Keep Edelgard having brokered a deal with Cornelia to establish the Dukedom and have Byleth find out about it. Be some that either Byleth or another character close to Edelgard questions the extremity of. Then have Cornelia do something evil like she's experimenting on people for TWSITD or maybe she's just abusing the power. Then have Edelgard clean it up. Have Edelgard realize that while she still wants to make her dream of a crestless Fodlan a reality she can't just back lords or nobles that are willing to go along with her for more power. She can still keep the Dukedom territory, but instead she'd be now more understanding what it means for there to be a ruler with a noble soul. So she continues her campaign of conquest but has realized that if she's going to be emperor, she can't just empower people arbitrarily.

In my opinion this not only would tie together some more TWSITD plot while also paralleling it to Edelgard's past and how there was no authority figure to step in and help her all those years ago. But now she is that authority figure. And while it doesn't call her method in question and like Dimitri and Claude she can continue her expanded influence over Fodlan, but now we actively see that Byleth has helped show her that her allies aren't just those pledging loyalty, she actually needs to empower those who are good. She gets to have her fight with Cornelia level and this won't stop her from killing Dimitri in the future.

Like I said, this is what I'd do. And in my opinion it would give Byleth's presence in CF more purpose beyond the bond with Edelgard is nice and fun. But also stay consistent with each route. Showing that there are flaws in Edelgard's sociological plan, but not undercutting what her actual goal is. You can still believe her quest is just and the only right one with her taking an active role in not making the mistakes she perceives Rhea as doing.

And if you are still with me up to my third point, lets talk about Rhea.

So Rhea as a character can best be described as a neutral evil throughout White Clouds. She doesn't really do anything but there is a lot of ominous foreshowing and presentation that Rhea may be up to something or at the very least complicit with many of her policies and tendencies. And when I say "evil" I don't mean she's bad (please don't skewer me Rhea fans). I mean that if the crest system is flawed and the church is emblematic of the systems maintenance of that flawed system. Then Rhea as the face/founder/head of that church bares some responsibility even if all she does is passive.

In all other routes, Rhea is captured by the Empire. Imprisoned in their capital. Anytime she is seen after she is characterized as somewhat docile or defeated, having been imprisoned for so long. VW goes a step farther to reveal what she did as Seiros and all of her actions leading to this point presumably all thanks to be imprisoned and rethinking her life over. CF is the only one Rhea is allowed to be an active player, she is now portrayed a ranting self righteous warrior priest who swears vengeance upon Byleth for being the reincarnation of her mother but not being a proper vessel as she intended and fighting against her. Naturally, if Byleth being the potential for the reincarnation of Sothis siding against her is what her drives her mad, that is believable, however much like the altered Fodlan Rhea in this version is not captured. This is now for Rhea to serve as Edelgard's true climatic opponent. With her symbolically killing the representation of the church and the power of crests being slain by Byleth and Edelgard. Its very poetic. But once again we reach my issue of the time skip altering so much in CF.

As stated before, Rhea was presented as a neutral evil, in doing so she's not really a direct antagonist in any route. Except of course Silver Snow. Where she is deployed as a weapon against Byleth. In this case killing the immaculate one symbolically is cleansing the church of Rhea and allowing it to pass into the hands of the new archbishop. However, Rhea in that fight is under control. Rather than be conscious as an opponent, they make her more of a beast without choice. Thus making this less a flawed character meeting their end and rather a forced confrontation by the evil cult of evil. Now Rhea I think being kept a neutral party was ultimately a good choice. We are given enough about her to understand she has done things questionable and should possibly not hold the authority she has. But she also has not instigated any open any hostility. As such Rhea is more a symbolic player. By making her an active player, CF has to make Rhea more domino and more a threat. She can't portray constant neutrality in a war. But by making her the active antagonist, it makes her less of a symbol and more if just a rotten character who Edelgard is justified in wanting dead. And much like Cornelia and the Dukedom, this alteration comes off as an attempt by the writers to never truly challenge Edelgard's plans for Fodlan. That Edelgard has no flaws in her plan and the bloodshed is beyond justified more than just philosophically. Had Edelgard captured Rhea in CF this would lead to some genuinely uncomfortable questions of keeping her a prisoner. And to 3H's credit they were actually willing to make the player uncomfortable already in Dimitri's route showing him as a mass murderer. Once again, I want to express this isn't me saying Edelgard's quest or goals are wrong and the plot should undermine it. This is me saying that for a game that wants to genuinely have nuanced and uncomfortable political choices made by their character, this is the route where they opt to alter the scenario so that Edelgard is the most justified and does less things that one could find objectionable. Flattening a lot of interesting implications this would raise and what Byleth as a force in this route could possibly able to influence.

Now one could again say, well the reason Rhea wasn't captured because Edelgard didn't use crest beasts this time. Edelgard not using crest beasts is a sign Byleth is changing her and thus that greatly alters the future. Once again, I can see that as understandable justification, but again, my issue off only ever being able to effect this lord pre time skip comes in again. If it was possible to get Edelgard to not use crest beasts, then how come it wasn't possible for me to get Claude to have Almyra support? How come I couldn't stop Dimitri before the war? The answer is again as a game the only other narrative choice that could possibly alter the story happens in CF which is the side with Edelgard in tombs choice. And while I'm not against the idea of angry pope Rhea, but I feel making her CF's full on antagonist was almost making a straw man antagonist for your opposition.

As an aside we also know Arundel is still on Edelgard's side and he is Thales so while she might not know his entire deal, I hesitate to imagine he'd stop using crest beasts in the war over the two years Byleth was gone.

If I was going to once again alter CF to be something I would personally find more satisfying. Have Rhea captured and then have Arundel use the same rage stuff he uses on her Silver Snow. This way you can facilitate an Edelgard vs TWSITD conflict AND you still get your symbolic victory of Edelgard and Byleth killing the symbol of the crests and church. Again, Edelgard is able to do what she wanted to originally, but now we are also confronted with the role TWSITD did play in her life and allowing her to rectify it as well as truly killing the old world by getting rid of Rhea and Thales.

And final point TWSITD. TWSITD are bad. They've always been bad. And they genuinely damage the overall story of CF because this is beyond just a narrative choice, its very clear CF as a story wasn't complete. I feel confident in saying that given the numerous chapters missing compared to the other routes, but also the epilogue needs to say "Oh yeah there was totally a bunch of war against them. Totally." I know this point is probably the least controversial when talking about CF, but I still think its a glaring flaw.

So what's the tl;dr?

This is not an "I hate Crimson Flower or Edelgard post" I genuinely have no interest in debating people about characters that like or enjoy. Nor did I want to turn this into a moral argument about the implication CF. I feel like these topics do real damage to any real criticisms one can have for CF as a narrative.

Which for me, CF as a route fails to really mesh with the rest of 3H as a whole. It feels like it takes a lot of narrative ways out to avoid potentially making their lord seem objectionable, despite much of this game wanting to be about how tragically flawed everyone is. Im not saying Edelgard needed a come to Jesus moment of "Are we the bad guys?" No absolutely not. In my opinion we just lack seeing Edelgard change the same way post time skip as others have due to creating an entirely brand new setting that keeping her as a mostly the same character is not questionable. Nor does she have to do anything that could truly be seen as flawed. Things that Byleth's influence may overcome.

Edelgard is a good character and her goals are understandable. I just personally find the narrative bending to accommodate her in ways so different from the other time skips genuinely make it a weaker narrative for me.

If you enjoy CF as it it. More power to you. Please keep loving CF. This isn't supposed to be a dissuading post. This is merely me as one guy who likes a lot of FE because of the stories it can tell sharing why he personally didn't enjoy this one. Maybe I helped put it words for some who might feel similar. But this is just my opinion

If you have something you'd like to add or reply in the replies or tags please flee free, but for the love god, please be cordial about it. There is so much toxicity and disingenuous takes around Fire Emblem Crimson Flower and Edelgard and Rhea in general, that I would like for us to please be able to talk about this in good faith.

#fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #fe3h #black eagles #edelgard von hresvelg #crimson flower #rhea #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #claude von riegan #rhapsode rambles

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ivomartins · 6 months ago

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helloo omg it's vivi i just noticed that you answered the asks (while scrolling through hsr tag i need the update so bad i can't live like this)

dogging on hs is a full time job and we're employees of the month 🤞 ntm on hs tho bc i will end up playing hs3 if it's ever released bc i need to see my li happy.

im new to rc so i can't say much about the writers but i think what you said does make a lot of sense. when new characters were introduced in hs2 it had the same tone as hs1. i would say there was a slight improvement bc astaroth and hunger were 10x more interesting than hs1 characters but the dialogue and their way of speaking was the same as hs1. like how do you pride yourself on being soo much better than mortals and speak exactly like them? why are you, as lucifer, speaking like a frat boy? make it make sense.

anyway, as opposed to hs, the immortals are actually different from mortals. lane noticing the lack of human warmth and emotions on cains face, despite how serene and aristocratic he looks right off the bat immediately showed us that they're not easily understood and they operate differently than humans. and the dialogue flows so much more naturally in hsr and different characters have their own distinguished way of speaking. (interesting that cain sometimes speaks so formally like during the church scene, but at other times uses mortal slang. just how long has he been roaming around earth?)

tbh now that ive analyzed the flying scene, he does seem somewhat sincere and like you said, they're both only looking out for themselves so they have a sense of kinship. (also love that lane is so unbothered about saving humanity or whatever and specifically said shes only going to translate what she needs... im obsessed with her)

but is it insane of me to hope that he's just being nice for the sake of using her? ive been ranting to everyone who would listen about how much i adore the church scene, it was the exact balance of unsettling and sensual, psychedelic and dreamlike. it had so much tension and i loved how cain was portrayed in it. but he's being suspiciously sweet and protective of her, cute, but i miss the tension 😭 he and lane are some of the most interesting characters ive seen in a while and id hate for them to lose everything that makes them unique to a generic romance so early.

what about your theories on how they could've known each other earlier? and what do you think about cain's past?

not this entire ass essay 😭 i love a good religious horror media what can i say. since ur just as obsessed w hsr as i am it's fun talking to you but this is a lot to think ab and reply to pls take ur time 😭💓

(ps to answer what you asked about choices, i haven't touched it since i got back into rc 🤞)

we truly are the pioneers of hs shit talk and i love this for us <3

i chuckled at your comment about lucifer talking like a frat boy because why is that so fucking true 😭

it really is just in the book's nature i think because if you look at the massive growth of alice's writing between hs1 and hs2, it's wild how the writing for hs2 still isn't that much better except in certain areas (hunger is masterfully written, for example, and the emo vibe was captured pretty well too since alice is an angst grandmaster)

like heaven's secret is simply, intrinsically, a haphazard low-quality story - because that was the foundation in hs1 and so it's only natural hs2 and hs3 will be the same. and i'm not hating on it when i say that because i definitely get why some people love it but as someone who's a bit of a snob and doesn't like harry potter vibe stories, it's just not for me

i'm living for your thoughts and analysis of hs:r though omg i didn't catch on to cain's manner of speech swinging between formal and informal, that's so interesting?? but YES overall i'm also hoping that we'll get more of the intensity we got with the church scene and that the dark undertone to their dynamic will prove to be an actual Theme and not just a one-off thing. i would actually GRIEVE if cain's route devolved into basic lovey dovey shit 😭

have you checked out dmitry's scenes? what did you think of them? 👀

when it comes to cain's past and his history with lane, i... have no clue tbh like that's just how good the suspense is. generally i'm expecting cain to be somehow tied to the event/entity/power that caused lane's memory gap because her dreams are clearly very significant and she dreams of him at the start of the book + that could be the reason why she got so woozy in the church scene instead of him seducing her with his power, because of whatever tie that binds them through that. but we know so little about him and his motivations that it's hard for me to theorize anything about his past. i adore pre-established dynamics though so i honestly think we're in for some juicy shit regardless of our theories. i can't wait!!!

shut up i lived for your essay and gave you one of my own pls 😭♥️ you're totally good!! i'm having just as much fun chatting with you angel <3

i haven't touched choices since the nanny affair 😭 though i do miss the good OG books sometimes ngl like open heart s1 remains ICONIC and forever in my heart and also the werewolf book uhh i forgot its name but it was sooo goood. there's not even a comparison with rc though whew it was such a huge upgrade for me especially since i started off with arcanum of all books - truly could not put it down

#romance club #heaven's secret #shut up jen #conversations #pretty sure we're in a discord server together?? which makes it rlly funny that we're still talking via asks #so cute of us <3 #kisses to you vivi 💕

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rexlapi · 4 years ago

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i know no one who follows me is into genshin bUT im so proud of this au so i’ll post it anyways

moongod!zhonglixmotal!childe, chang’e/hou’yi au (no previous knowledge of the mid autumn festival is needed, hopefully i explained it well enough in the fic)

am i yours?

rating: teen for inexplicit self harm wc: 2k

ao3

- -

It had only been a century since the god of the moon, known to the people as Morax, had first come to the barren rock he would soon have to call home. He had no emotional attachment to the place, however he had no other place to call home. Too many years since the man who had once been Zhongli had last seen his love, too long since he had known happiness.

The earth was rising into view from his palace on the moon, the blue waters always reminding him of his lover’s bright eyes. Zhongli stood on the cold stone floor, staring out into the distance. It was the anniversary of the day when Zhongli had first ascended to yue, a day many mortals celebrated, offering him yuebing, or mooncakes, in hopes that he would bless their families. Every year, he found it in himself to smile upon those who still remembered his story, hoping that one day, his good would come back to him in the form of the one he loved. But of course, the world was a cruel place, leaving the immortal nothing but a barren rock to live his sad eternity on.

Despite the people’s celebratory gifts, this day was always one of sorrow for Morax. He had only experienced a few decades of imprisonment on this rock, yet somehow Zhongli felt so, so very old. This day only ever reminded him of what he’s lost, of what he will never have again. To be fair, almost everything reminded him of his Tartaglia, from the waters of earth to the orange of the sun. More than anything, these things reminded him of his biggest mistake.

There was nothing in this that the moon god regretted more than his reckless action that got him stuck on this barren rock, never to see the face of the one he loved again.

The day that ruined Zhongli’s life had been a beautiful day, one of the most beautiful days he had ever seen. The skies were a vibrant blue, streaks of puffy white clouds dotted throughout the sea of blue, the sunlight warm and bright. He had planned on proposing to Tartaglia that day He had everything prepared, an elaborate basket of luxurious gifts for the other man’s family, as well as a lovingly self-crafted pair of matching dangly earrings, for each of them. Zhongli unconsciously brushed his hand over his ear, toying with the rare orange jade bead at the end of his.

He had been waiting for Tartaglia to return home from an assignment when one of his own students had broken into his house, looking for the small potion of immortality Tartaglia had received for shooting the excess suns out of the sky. His Tartaglia had always been an adept warrior, being proficient in nearly every weapon. Zhongli smiled to himself, wishing he could see the way Tartaglia bounced on his toes before every right, his face stretched into a broad grin, ready for the rush of adrenaline that every fight gave him.

Zhongli had always loved teaching, wanting to impart his knowledge and wisdom on the next generation of bright minds. He would never forget the look of horror his student wore when Zhongli angrily shoved a spear through their stomach, snatching the elixir out of weakening hands and downing it in one gulp. It wasn’t until Tartaglia returned home shortly after the incident when Zhongli realized what he had done. He remembered how Tartaglia’s eyes had widened, his voice calling out for him, but Zhongli could already feel himself floating away, becoming weightless, as if he had become a spirit. The distraught cries from his love that morphed into sobs, calling his name, begging him to stay, telling him he loved him These cries would forever ingrain themselves into his memory. The elixir would have let them be happy and together forever. Instead, it separated the two of them for the rest of time.

Every year on this day, he would talk into the sky, hoping that maybe, one day, Tartaglia would hear him. Hoping that maybe one day he could see him smile, hear him laugh again. This year was no different. Zhongli busied himself in the kitchen, preparing some of Tartaglia’s favorite foods. He would eat a bite of each dish before leaving the rest as offerings to whatever greater powers lay above him, asking them for mercy, for freedom for this barren rock. Though, behind all of these, he would always ask to see his love, one last time.

Please, Celestia. This is all I can offer for you. Please, I’d like a way off this rock, freedom from my past mistakes. He looked off into the distance, at the painting he had done of Tartaglia. Please, I’d like to see Tartaglia again. Please.

Years like this one passed. Years became decades, and decades became centuries. Time passed quickly for the immortal, and though it may pass fast, it had no end. Every year, Morax asked the same things of Celestia. Every year, he received no response. He had grown so very tired.

On his 8880th mid-autumn festival, he awoke to see a sharp periwinkle dagger wrapped in silver silks sitting on the edge of his bed. He carefully unwrapped the fabric to reveal a beautifully carved glaze lily embedded on the handle. A small piece of paper fell out of the wraps, peaking Zhongli’s interest. He carefully set the dagger down onto his bed, picking up the small slip.

A note, written in elegant, looping, traditional Liyuen. It read: Morax, your prayers have been heard. Celestia sends its regards as well as apologies for taking so long to process your request. Take this dagger as the key to the next journey in your life, where the one you love is waiting. It has been enchanted so there will be no pain. However, if you decide to take this chance, do know that it is irreversible. Do as you wish with it, take the chance or do not.

I hope you find your peace, Zhongli.

The note was not signed, but somehow Zhongli felt as though he knew the person who had written the note. “Thank you.” he croaked out, his voice rough from lack of use. His hands shaking, he picked up the dagger once more. It was the perfect weight, a perfect balance of light yet solid. It had been, well, ever since he had come onto this rock since he had held a weapon. Not a weapon, a key. A chance. Hope.

He took a walk around the empty palace where he had lived in solitude for thousands of years, as if saying goodbye. It was a goodbye he was happy to say. He retrieved the hand carved wooden box containing his most prized possession from it’s secret location, securing it in his pocket. He carefully rolled up the scroll containing the image of a smiling Tartaglia and slipping that into another pocket, scared that if he did see Tartaglia again, that Zhongli wouldn’t be able to recognize him.

He stared down at the dagger in his hands, his fingers curling around the elegant glaze lily. He felt his grip grow tighter, then he felt his hands start to shake. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes. He was ready to leave this barren place behind. I will see you again, Tartaglia.

As promised, the blade brought him no pain.

...

Zhongli opened his eyes to see an ethereal forest, the trees not quite opaque, as if they weren’t quite there. He looked down to see the beautiful blade that had been gifted to him stained with golden blood. He wasn’t bothered by the golden blood, for it was the blood of immortals after all. He was however, awed by the trees he saw. He hadn’t seen vegetation in what felt like years, not having to eat food in order to sustain himself after ascending to godhood, saving human food for very special occasions.

He looked around, though he didn’t see anyone. Where the one you love is waiting, the note had said. Zhongli wandered around the forest for what felt like days, looking for a head of bright orange hair or a pair of deep ocean eyes. He saw neither. Had the sender lied? He couldn’t help but lose a little bit of hope, though wherever he was now was still certainly better than the hellhole of a rock he had resided on for millennia. He took a deep breath of the fresh air, feeling more and more energetic by the moment.

Say something. His brain told him. He was running out of options, so he did as his inner monologue asked. Clearing his throat, he recalled the song he would sing to his Tartaglia. Humming the first few lines to get warmed up, his hope growing with every beat.

“Xu ni sheng shi shi, wu jue qu de ai,” His voice shook as he switched from his native Liyuen to lover’s Snezhnayan. “Always and forever, in this heart of mine…” The forest was silent. Zhongli felt his heart shatter, not wanting to accept that he really would never see his Tartaglia again. He knelt on the ground, his hand clutching the blade of the dagger, a cascade of golden blood dripping onto his spotless black-gold hanfu. He wished he could feel the sharp pain of the cold blade biting into his skin.

“Xu ni sheng sheng shi shi, wu jue qu de ai,”

Zhongli had never stood faster in his entire life, the dagger falling to the ground, forgotten. His eyes widened as the familiar face of his beloved appeared from behind a tree. He stood stunned. The sender didn’t lie.

The sun seemed to illuminate the younger boy, his orange hair glowing golden, his typical gray ensemble billowing in the breeze. Zhongli had never seen such a beautiful sight in his thousands of years of existence. “Always and forever, in this heart of mine… longer than the heavens, and the stars that shine…”

Zhongli and Tartaglia both rushed forward at the same time, the orange haired boy taking the other’s bleeding hand in his, while Zhongli gently placed his uninjured hand on his lover’s face. “Xiang si qing nan nai, yuan yu ni tong zai,”

They both broke out into smiles filled with grief and disbelief, their voices shaking as they finished the verse together. “I am yours, I am yours, forever”

Collapsing into the other man, Zhongli let himself cry. “Tartaglia I-”

He felt strong arms hug him tighter, only making Zhongli sob harder. “Shh it’s okay, I’m here now. You’re here now.” Tartaglia had begun to cry too, having fallen to the ground with Zhongli, the two a tangle of limbs and tears.

“I love you so much.” Zhongli choked out, letting more and more of his years and years of pain and loneliness fade away with every moment in the other boy’s arms.

Tartaglia kissed Zhongli through teary eyes, trying to convey the words he couldn’t say in the action. “I’ve never stopped loving you, even after all these years. I love you, Zhongli. So much. Please, don’t be an idiot again and cause us another eight-thousand years of separation. I don’t think I can go through that again.”

Zhongli laughed through a sob, placing a kiss on Tartaglia’s cheek. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” He pulled out the box he had carried around with him since he had been banished to the moon. Carefully, he pulled out the other earring he had crafted all those years ago, the same shape and pattern as the singular one Zhongli himself wore. “Tartaglia, would you be mine forever?”

“Only if you’re mine forever" He responded, the biggest shit-eatting grin on his face.

Zhongli nodded solemnly, completely serious in his consideration of the agreement. “That is a fair contract.”

Tartaglia laughed before kissing Zhongli again. “It was a joke, of course I’ll be yours.”

He dipped his head down, allowing Zhongli to attach the earring to his ear. Perfect. Zhongli couldn’t help but think. The blue jade matched his eyes perfectly, just as Zhongli’s earring matched his own amber eyes. “Forever?”

“Forever."

~~~~~~~~~~

Xu ni sheng shi shi, wu jue qu de ai -> Let your love live forever,

Xiang si qing nan nai, yuan yu ni tong zai -> Love-sickness is unbearable, I wish I were with you

#mine*#IVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER OF MY WORD VOMIT BRAIN #NE VER #im actually in love with my own writing? who could've known #anyways if you enjoyed mayahps a comment or reblog?#genshin impact #chili #zhongzi #childe x zhongli #zhongli x childe #zhongchi

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greensaplinggrace · 3 years ago

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honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her.��It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

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lilyclawthorne · 3 years ago

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Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

#toh #the owl house #owl house #keeping up afearances #keeping up a-fear-ances

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chwesolai · 5 years ago

Text

change up. | lee chan

inspired by change up by seventeen and grease, yes, the movie (you’ll understand why in a second don’t you worry)

university au!

nerd!chan x class clown!y/n

chan spent his times in his books, in his studies, in ‘always looking in the future’. he never took a break. but towards the end of his senior year of high school, his parents wanted to reward his hard work and studious efforts. it was post-finals, he finished, he got into the university he dreamed of.

he was free, finally.

so the trip began, his family packed their bags and the road trip to Daecheon Beach from Iksan. chan and his younger brother remained silent most of the ride, chan's brother playing on his phone, occasionally showing chan the new character he unlocked.

"you're going to fry your brain because of those games," chan scoffs, lifting his head up from reading.

"you're going to become evil because of all those scary books you read."

"then, let me."

the two brothers laugh and slowly immerse themselves into their activities and as the sun sets, the two fall into a deep sleep.

four more hours later and the sun began to warm chan's face, they have arrived.

y/n's parents allowed her to pick this year's summer family vacation, her older sister picked last year and her older brother did the year before. they've been to the us, europe, japan but she just wanted to stay home. but her family just didn't allow that so she picked the beach.

"THE BEACH? Y/N ARE YOU KIDDING?" her sister wasn't here for that, but her brother backed her up, "hey less money spending for us then. we wouldn't need to exchange money, buy flight tickets, bla bla blah."

"exactly." y/n proud of her decision.

"alright, i guess we could go visit my hometown's beach then," y/n's dad shrugs looking at her mother, who was nodding in agreement, "ok, saving money this trip, I like it. we could stay at mom's house then," it was set.

y/n packing her bags, excited to just bathe in the sun, swim, eat her grandmother's food again, this was her trip.

the car ride was absolutely chaotic.

y/n gained the entire back seat to herself with her two older siblings stuck ripping each others' heads off in the middle seats.

"I WILL GIVE YOU TWO MY LAST TWO POCKY IF YOU SHUT UP RIGHT NOW."

"ok bet," her brother held out his hand as his little sister handed him a strawberry pocky packet and her older sister then received her chocolate pocky.

"thank you," y/n bathes in the silence as she goes back to her drama.

the two met at y/n's grandmother's restaurant. y/n was peeling oranges as chan's family walks in, if you're offered to earn some money on vacation, you take it, y/n dropped the peeler, telling her grandma she can take this table.

chan pushed up his glasses as he looks up at the possibly cutest girl he's ever laid eyes on. she was definitely she was shorter than him, her hair held back in two braids, she kept her pen behind her ear and she looked just like how chan envisions the female characters in the classic novels he reads.

"hi welcome to kitchen by paradise, i'm y/n and i will be your server today and if you have any questions about any items on the menu, i'll be more than happy to recommend you anything! now, could i get you all anything to drink?"

chan's mom ordered water, his dad got a cola, his brother banana milk and chan didn't have a clue.

"and for you?" y/n says as she turns her attention towards chan.

"u-um. um. do-do-o you guys have any specialty drinks?"

"oh yeah! we grow our own oranges so we have a whole specialty of drinks. we have an orange-hibiscus iced tea, an orangeade, an orange-pineapple refresher and an orange mint sunrise."

"could i get the orange-pineapple one? please?"

"of course, that's my personal favorite," y/n smiles and chan could've sworn his heart melted, "i will get those ready for you guys and again, if you guys have any questions, call out for y/n!"

"thank you!" chan's parents chimed in as y/n walks away.

"channie has a crush channie has a crush."

"i will drown you." chan glares at his little brother as his cheeks began to flush.

chan never knew he could fall so easily, i guess this is what happens when you're not focused on studying instead of girls, but this charismatic waitress got his attention.

chan watched y/n peel oranges and make the drink he had ordered, almost feeling bad because the drink looked so tedious to make. he saw the tray of drinks coming their way as she finishes pouring the yellow-orangey iced drink.

"here we go!" she places the drinks at the table, handing each drink to its rightful owner, "so are we ready to order?"

y/n took everyone's orders and y/n couldn't help but giggle at this nerdy guy stuttering ordering his seafood bibibimbap.

he's cute i can't deny it.

"alright let me repeat your guys' order and i'll send this to the kitchen!"

chan's family finished their meals and had left while y/n was on her break, disappointing chan, so he jumped to this opportunity. his 18 y/o heart couldn't believe himself that he left his number for this cute waitress he just met, i mean she probably is a local here and i'm here for the next two weeks.

y/n couldn't believe either. she smiled that that dorky kid thought she was cute, so she saved his number, texting him around sunset.

to orange boy: hey! this is y/n!

to server girl: hi! i'm chan i can't believe you actually saved my number ha

to orange boy: i just had to thank the guy who called me cute and also thinks my favorite drink is good because its our least popular haha

to server girl: thats surprising its rly good omg

to orange boy: so are you free tomorrow?

to server girl: i think my family is just hanging out tmr why?

to orange boy: my grandma is sending me to the market tomorrow to pick up some ingredients and i know you're here for vacation and i know im just a stranger but idk want to explore the coast tmr?

chan couldn't believe it, in his 18 years of his life, he is being asked to go out. with a girl. and she isn't trying to steal his study book.

y/n couldn't believe herself, she just asked a stranger to go out with her.

to server girl: i'm down wanna pick me up?

to orange boy: tmr 12pm i'll bring us lunch

to server girl: sounds like a plan, so whats your favorite color?

the two spent all night getting to know each other, learning they're the same age, chan was older by a month and a half, y/n's favorite color is every color and said some picasso joke making chan laugh in his hotel room. they both felt like they've known each other for years.

the next day came and y/n packed her backpack and her scooter for the day, writing down the list her grandmother has told her the night before and then sending a text to chan for his address.

"I'M TAKING THE SCOOTER!" y/n yells as she runs down the stairs, "TEXT ME IF YOU NEED ME!"

her family all replying as they hear her leave.

as she makes it to the garage, she ensures she brings the second helmet.

this is a vacation. the wind blowing in her hair as she follows the directions to chan's hotel. her dark blue scooter shimmering in the sunlight and she arrives in front of chan's hotel, rich kid huh?

to orange boy: outside by the lobby!!

chan was already in the lobby for the past ten minutes, didn't want to look like a complete weirdo and come out right when she texted so he waited for a good minutes before walking out. he was wanted to be casual, didn't want to screw anything up with her.

"hey! chan over here!" he walked out seeing the pretty girl from the restaurant on a blue electric scooter? taking off her helmet waving her hand around. he smiled and waved back as he walked towards her.

"this is tomi, my trusty stead," she smiles proudly at her scooter making chan stifle a laugh, leading y/n to laugh at his poor hiding of a laugh, "this is yours, hop on!"

"did not expect this to be the start of my day," he laughs as he puts on the helmet, he gets on the back of the scooter and before y/n turns on the scooter, she grabs chan's arms and to his surprise, wraps them around her stomach, "we're going fast so i don't want you falling off," she turns and smiles at him. what am i feeling right now? butterflies swarm around the two teenagers' stomachs, falling in love before they've even gone out.

"oh o-ok."

and they were off.

y/n parked the scooter in her usual spot, the noise of the market sang to her and before getting off, she introduces the market, "welcome to daecheon market where old men try to peddle tourists and where local teenagers find the best clothes AND one stand has the BEST fruit produce."

"y/n i think i should just call you fruit girl because you seem very enthusiastic about them," chan smirks

"i dare you to, orange boy."

"alright fruit girl."

the two laugh as they barely even notice chan's arms are still around y/n, y/n begins to take off her helmet right before she bumps chan in the face with her helmet.

"OH MY GOD! i am so sorry chan oh my god im sorry oh my god i-"

"y/n its ok really," chan laughs at her worried look, "i'm all good no bleeding see?"

"alright im still super sorry i kind of forgot i had a passanger with me," she nervously laughs, im such an idiot what is wrong w me wtf y/n

chan hops off and helps y/n down, "thank you, sir," y/n bows.

"you are very welcome madam," chan bows back, leading them both to laugh once more because of their dorkiness.

"here hold this," y/n opens the scooter compartment and hands chan a camera, "thats my prized possession, keep it safe." she pretends to glare at him but ending up laughing anyways, "you're on picture duty and i am on food duty," y/n pulls out a picnic basket and a large water bottle, "before we explore lets eat!"

y/n leads chan down to a secluded area next to the market, "my siblings and i love coming down here and eating lunch and playing ball. its our secret hideout, and you are a new member of paradise cove, mr chan."

"i'm honored," chan couldn't believe how comfortable he felt around her, a stranger that he had a very long text conversation last night about their favorite colors and whether or not aliens exist. y/n couldn't believe either. why did she feel so bubbly around a kid she met on the job at her grandmother's restaurant?

chan helped her put out a small picnic blanket from the basket and y/n began to pull out the food, “so i remembered your order from the other day and grandma pulled through and made some more this morning and a special touch, an orange-pineapple refresher. dig in!”

their picnic was nothing but boring, time passed so quickly while they talked more about the city and high school and where they want to go for univerity, and what they want to be. a convesation nether of the two have had with another human being. they both took some pictures while they were at it, y/n always doing some silly pose when chan had the camera and chan always looking away from the camera. they were comfortable with one another.

“so, let’s explore the market shall we?” chan standing up, offering his hand to her, she was hesistant at first, “come on y/n i don’t bite,” he laughs, looking away. feeling odd with his hand out for so long, he looks back at her smiling this time, “i’m feeling a cramp coming on”

standing up, she grabs his hand and pulls him close to her, both of their faces flushed now. y/n had NO idea what she was doing, “can i?” she looked at his lips and then back up at his eyes, prepare for any reaction

“yes,” once y/n heard his answer, his hand caressed the side of y/n’s face and pressed their lips together, almost melting into the kiss. y/n felt her cheeks burn up, the kiss lasted a few seconds but felt like an eternity. pulling away, the two laughed with their eyes closed and foreheads pressed against each other, “so the market?” y/n slowly opened her eyes, seeing the flustered boy in front of her interlocking their hands together.

“i thought you were the romantic,” he smiles back.

two spent nearly everyday together. y/n told chan she didn’t live in daecheong, they both knew they were both on vacation and the day one of them was leaving was soon appoarching them. “what will you do without me?” “cry.” “shut up chan” “you asked i answered~!”

chan didn’t want to believe but neither did y/n. their two weeks was up, y/n helped chan pack. “are you really going to cry?” “y/n you’re my first kiss, my first love, my first crush, the first girl that actually has gotten my attention so what do you think?” “now, you’re going to make me cry.” she pouts “y/n you have my number, i have my license, you have a kickass scooter. we have ways to still see each other even if that means our universities are miles apart, we can do this.”

to orange boy: i miss you

they couldn’t do it. the long distance lasted about a month and then school started.

to server girl: i’m sorry

chan was at yonsei university and back to his old ways. head in the books, no partying no social interaction just studying. this physical therapy major wasn’t moving an inch.

now, what chan didn’t know was y/n was ALSO at yonsei. this visual arts major was the biggest party animal on campus. she ruled frat parties and she was a good students. her professors loved her and her charm.

- ten months later -

HALLOWEEN

“CHAN! you have to come dude!” chan’s roommate, xuxi, begs him. xuxi was the polar opposite of chan, same age same major COMPLETELY different social class.

“no ‘xi for the last time, i’m not a party guy.”

“chan please dude, its a costume party, nobody will know its you.” chan began to consider it, when was the last time i had fun?

“what are you dressing up as?” “i’m going to be capt. american because im going as the avengers with mark and the other guys. if you don’t want to be recognized then wear a mask, be a masquarade ball dude? idk wear a suit and a mask, be that DUDE”

“i’m in.” here we go lee chan

to server girl: finally going out with the boys for the first time hope you’re well i miss you

y/n read the text almost immediately, “i wonder where he’s going?”

“who?” y/n’s roommate jungeun asled as she’s doing her makeup.

“some summer fling, he just texted me after like three months.”

“he’s more than a summer fling hon if you saw his text so fast.”

“shut up”

“kiss me,” jungeun stuck her tongue out at her, “so what are you dressing up as y/n?”

“poision ivy, mark said they’re going to be the avengers and so i’m showing him up and being dc’s sexiest villian.”

“you’re such a heartbreaker miss y/n let the boy breathe, he may have cheated but-”

“but nothing! he treated me like a one night stand and i wanted more! im going all out!”

chan looked at himself one more time in the mirror and xuxi walked behind him in his captain america outfit, “my son you look so fucking good,” pretending to tear up

“shut up,” chan rolled my eyes, sitting back down on his bunk, “should i still go?”

“YES! you look good dude! can’t even recognize you, you look so different and the contacts? you’re really hiding your identity with this one channie.”

“this is the only night we get to be other people so,” he puts on his lacey masquarade mask he bought from target, ‘let’s go.”

xuxi wraps his arm around him, “LETS FUCKING GO!”

“MISS Y/N YOU DID THAT HONEY!”

jungeun and y/n nearly in shock of how well this costume curves around her body.

“green is your color girl,” jungeun sighs, “you knock them dead baby.”

“you look amazing yourself j OMG ms daphne over here.”

“I’m finding my fred tonight ok?” she smiles as she ties her scarf around her neck.

y/n places her red mask on, “i’m heading out!”

“HANG ON!” y/n was practically out the door before jungeon runs out, “ok ready.”

“let’s go fuck shit up.”

the party was everything chan was not used to, drinking, loud music, people EVERYWHERE, you could say he was slightly overwhelmed.

you could say he also wasn't used to the attention around him, girls coming up to ask if they wanna hook up or take a shot with him which he declined all of them until she walked in.

ms poison ivy walked in.

it was about 30 minutes after the party started and y/n walked in like she owned the place, jungeon next to her, y/n walked in red heels and green latex in its full glory.

"i'll go get us drinks!" jungeon pracatically screams in y/n's ear.

"OK!" now alone, chan saw this as an opportunity, still not knowing who that was or even who he was in this moment he walked up to her.

"hi!" y/n was drawn back but the handsome stranger in front of her

"HI!"

"I THINK YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY!"

"THANK YOU! I THINK YOU LOOK PRETTY HOT YOURSELF! LET ME GUESS, a VAMPIRE?"

the music got increasingly louder as this conversation went on so chan yelled back, "NOT EXACTLY, IM A MASQUERADE BALL HOST"

y/n felt eyes beaming her up and down and she saw him, mark, and before he could come any closer, y/n kissed this handsome stranger in front of him.

chan had no idea what was going on but he really didn't care anymore, this kiss began to be a full makeout session in the middle of the dance floor.

"IM SORRY BUT DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?"

"YEAH I DO ACTUALLY"

both of them walk out of the loud frat house, "so who do i owe this honor to mr masquerade man?"

"chan, i'm chan. how about you?"

"i'm sorry did you say c-chan?"

y/n hasn't heard that name in what feels like ages until today.

"yes? is something wrong?"

was it really him?

"no its just i knew someone named chan awhile back, ha." she sadly smiled.

it can't be him chan was never this bold.

"ah i see, how about you ms poison ivy?"

"y/n"

"y/n huh?"

"yes, what about it?

"do you still have that blue scooter?" chan takes off his mask and turns to face the girl he's been wondering about for so long.

"c-chan?"

"long time no see huh?"

"i-i-i didn't even recognize you? where're your glasses? did you get your braces off too? your hair's lighter, you look really good, chan," she sighs in disbelief.

"college does stuff to you i guess," he nervously rubs the nape of his neck, "and you? wow. i didn't think someone could look so gorgeous in latex." he smiles all goofy.

"chan."

"y/n?"

pulling herself into his chest, "i've missed you, im sorry for being an asshole, im sorry for saying those things i shouldve held on im sorry im-"

"nothing is your fault y/n, look at me," he pulls her out of his chest, "i'm here now! we just needed time i guess," he lets out a small laugh.

"now you're the jokester mr lee."

"lets restart. hi im chan."

"hi im y/n," she smiles and takes his hand in hers, "lets never leave again."

"yes ms poison ivy."

“never call me that again.”

#dino #dino fic #dino imagine #dino imagines #lee chan #lee chan fluff #lee chan fic #dino seventeen #dino seventeen imagine #dino svt #lee chan imagine #chan #lee #seventeen scenarios #seventeen au #seventeen kpop #university #university au

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cupidoargiades · 5 years ago

Text

fuck a keyboard, you're my type.

A/N - its ur thirsty boy jackson yall :) this was SO easy to write like im not even gonna lie, i love this guy so much like CHRIST not to be nsfw or anything but can he please just h*ld my h*nd ???

staring at you from the bar, a rather hot guy smiles at you once the two of you lock eyes, gesturing you to come closer. you look around and point at your chest, as if saying 'who, me?'; he nods yes. looking around once again, you try searching for your friends in the busy crowd to check if they knew the guy, but to no avail; everyone was either having other conversations, playing games, or they were just nowhere to be found.

stepping closer to the guy, he holds up a finger to the bartender, ordering another shot of soju. looking at the empty glasses that were already on the bar, he seems to have already drank a few shots. "hey gorgeous" he says, pushing a stool towards you to sit on. "how come you're all alone on this beautiful night?" he asks.

"oh, just the regular," you chuckle, as the bartender placed your shot in front of you. you nodded kindly at him before turning back to the kind stranger. "you know the drill; got dragged here after a break up to find some distraction, friends left me alone, all that bullshit."

he smiles a little and looks around. "they're not looking out for you, either..? because you're exactly the kind of girl those gross and nasty guys like me would hit on. that's so irresponsible, guys like that are just so- ew.." he says playfully, making you laugh a little as you down the shot of soju with ease. "you're one smooth motherfucker, you know that?" you say, ordering another drink.

"oh- just saying, you ordered more alcohol, so if you get wasted, end up fucking me and regret it in the morning, it's not my business" he says. once again, he makes you laugh so effortlessly like the times before, even though you have only known him for a few minutes.

"shit- i'm sorry, i forgot to introduce myself. i'm jackson. jackson wang" he says, urging to hold out his hand but pulling it back once he mumbles that's too formal. "great to meet you, jackson," you smile, holding up your hand, palm to the ceiling. "give me your phone and i'll tell you my name" you demand.

not even doubting your intensions, he smiles contently and hands you his phone. "you knew what i was gonna do, huh?" you say when you see a new contact on the screen, ready to be filled in. "i'm the master of flirting, stranger." he scoffs as you type in your name and number. taking back his phone, he stares at the letters on his screen.

"y/n, hm? that's a pretty name. it suits you" he says, looking at you, then his phone, and once again back to you. "you think so? why's that?" you ask. "like i said, it's a pretty name, just like you"

a blush paints your cheeks a cute red that compliments your makeup and outfit. he seems to notice this, as he tells you how dope your accessories are. "i love your earrings" he says, pushing your hair to the side to admire the studs lining along your earlobe. "i love your necklace" you nervously respond, pushing the hand that was next to your face and about to touch your ear aside so you could look at the golden chinese symbol hanging from his neck.

"it says 'wang'.. stands for my last name and it translates to 'king'. it's perfect, since i'm a king." he says, boosting his own ego a bit. "what are you a king of exactly?" you ask, staring at the pendant for a few more seconds.

"you. which makes you my servant, and you should do as i say." he jokes, making you scoff. "the king's got some tension right here, hm? can you fix that?"

you sigh and push his hands off of yours. "one more sex-related remark and i will actually start considering not going home with you." you say confidently, making him roll his eyes. "as if i'm not gonna talk you into coming with me anyway." he answers.

the two of you keep on talking for the rest of the evening effortlessly, and as tough and manly as he seems, he's funny, soft and really kind. it's no surprise you ended up in the back of his car at midnight, lips crashed together.

"one second-" you pant, taking your phone to see that one your friends is calling. "it's okay, baby, you're with me now.." jackson groans, pushing your phone down and leaning in to continue the sweet kisses. "no- i really have to get this, they're probably worried sick.." you say. admiring the kindness in your voice, he pulls back with a smile. you pick up after swooping your hair to the side, hearing your friend go off worriedly about how they searched the entire place and didn't find you anywhere.

"yeah- yeah, i left already. sorry i didn't text you," you say, watching jackson twirl a strand of your hair into a shiny wave. "no, it's fine, i've got a ride back home, right?" you ask, looking at jackson. he nods, before taking your phone out of your hand. "hey y/n's friend, y/n's future-husband here.. i just want to say that i'll give her a ride back, on one condition." he says.

you raise an eyebrow, telling him to stop whatever he's doing as you hear your friend cursing at him for being a 'filthy playboy-kidnapper-hybrid'. "sweetheart, it's nothing like that," he sighs, massaging his temples slightly. "she's gonna stay the night at my house. i'll bring her back home safe and sound tomorrow, i promise." he says, before hanging up. you shake your head with a roll of the eyes and a scoff. "you could've just said 'hey, this is y/n's hookup and she's staying over for sex.' but you just had to be a mysterious little bitch about it, huh?" you say, hanging your arms around his neck as you lean in for a kiss.

"you know it, baby" he says, pushing your phone back into your purse before getting back to business in the backseat of his spaceous car. "let's just make sure you forget about your ex tonight, and make you fall in love with me, if that's cool with you" he suggests, pushing the strap of your top down your shoulder.

coming down from a second high that night, you collapse on the bed, chest raising and falling from heavy breathing. jackson rolls over to kiss your forehead and lets his fingertips glide over the dark rose petals of red and blue he made over your neck, chest and stomach.

the slightest touch of his seems to burn marks into your damp and sensitive skin; just ghosting over you would make you shiver. "you know, you're not like other guys.." you mumble, turning your head to look at him. his hair's now messy, and a splotchy blush covers his face.

"is that a compliment?" he chuckles, kissing the corner of your mouth and running his fingers over yours before intertwining perfectly. "most definitely.." you say, making him nod confidently. "usually, guys that hit on me just want a quick fuck before ditching me. you're different.., i like that" you say softly, feeling so at home next to him.

"fuck yeah," he smiles. "i'm in it for the long run.. no more hook ups, just love making and real love."

soft buzzing fills the comfortable silence, and you pick up your phone to see it was exploding with messages in you and your friends' group chat.

- friend #1, 1:22

LMAOOO i bet she's getting laid

- friend #2, 1:22

No wtf

She's too prude

- friend #3, 1:22

girl ... r u even her friend ??? shes everything but prude lol

- friend #2, 1:23

I did see her talking with a guy at the bar when I went to the bathroom

Maybe that was the guy on the phone?

- y/f/n #1, 1:23

leave her alone shes getting dick tonight

- you, 1:23

LOOOOL y'all are too much

- friend #3, 1:24

omg y/n how was he

- you, 1:24

SO FUCKIN GOOD

... like- personality wise

lmao no nsfw in this christian household

- friend #2, 1:24

Thank you :)

When are you coming home?

- you, 1:24

didn't you hear jackson ??

he's driving me home tomorrow

... after a date

omg i gtg right now he asked if i wanted to shower

i'll update y'all later

- you, 2:07

dont worry girls, i took good care of her

xx jackson wang (y/n's bf)

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stateofgrace1303 · 5 years ago

Text

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

#taylurking #taylorswift #taylorstans #taylornation #red #redtour #edsheeran #lymedisease #dysautonomia #taylorlurking #i love you taylor #tay #usertaylornotices #tswift

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