#ilona whines about her non existant love life to her followers lol

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know the longer i’ve left the whole “having relationships”/“dating” thing, the more and more i feel like separated from myself or something like that. like if i’d bothered to date and have partners back during uni and my late teens….. and possibly earlier back in high school (like i should’ve bothered to try to date clear braces boy properly instead of just ditching him at the movies when he asked me on a date to there once and then not have dumped him like 3 weeks later 😂😅)….. and obvs for the rest of my 20s….. i just feel like maybe i’m not functioning right and i’m in my head all day. like idek if i’ll ever have a relationship properly or whatever and i just imagine if i ever have a partner if i ever bother to start dating…. they’ll just be super condescending and rude af because i’ve just never bothered to figure out how i function in “romantic relationships” and sex and stuff.

like obvs i did figure out some of what i didnt want in a partner back when i met my high school stalker (ie i don’t want a manipulative piece of shit to put it the most simply) and also figured out what i didn’t want in a partner when i met mr bar creeper mcfuckface (ie another manipulative piece of shit i met at a bar in 2017…. and luckily his piece of shitness came out in the first hour of meeting him and i managed to get away)….. but all the positive things i could have in a partner, like someone who listens or whatever other general good stuff….. i have just never experienced in many a friendship/acquaintance with dudes in general (bar a couple that i’ve met on here and have stayed friends with over my decade on here)…. but i have no idea how i’d actually react to that in a relationship.

and then there’s the big question mark around sex. like i’ve said before on here, i kept my hair long pointlessly for the longest time, all in case i started dating and if i ever fucked the dudes i “dated” my hair cascaded over my boobs and then it met the whole stupid porny thing of “innocent girl next door” or “sexy playboy bunny” or whatever the fuck. and therefore i’d be “sexy” and “hot” and other dumb bs (ie “sexy mermaid lmao). and keeping my hair long just made me feel depressed tbh, the longer i grew it. because why keep it long if i wasn’t bothering with dating and relationships??? it didn’t make me feel sexy really. it just made me feel weighed down and worse about myself. as if all these negative feelings were sitting in my long, but not very well looked after, hair…. like a very unkempt and deeply sad gretchen wieners from mean girls lmao.

but the whole sex thing kinda just makes me like “ugh” i guess (????)…. mostly because i just can’t imagine myself actually doing it irl, but i can imagine myself doing it as an imaginative exercise??? like an outer body experience or something???? like i can sext, but only for a short time before i get bored lmao. but imagining myself actually “fucking” or “making love” or whatever term you want to use, i’m just like “idk man i feel like this meme with marge":

because it really does fuck with my anxiety and yeah.

it’s. just. bleh? y’know? and obvs the pandemic just gets in my head more especially since my area is back in lockdown until end of july since australia now has the delta variant.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

i think the only reason that im kinda half considering bothering with dating apps now is that i no longer have to leave the house and spend money on a date with some random dude who expects sex straight after it. like hmmm. like if they have to wait for like 6 months before getting me out of the house or to fuck me, then they actually have to put in effort. and what i’ve learnt from the few dudes that i’ve talked to in the past..... its that they don’t want dont want to bother with effort with getting to know you, they just want to fuck you and then toss you to the side as a another notch on their bedframe (if they have one lmao).

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know two of the many main reasons that im learning to drive are that: (a.) if i ever start dating, i have a reason to never drink while im out on a date. and (b.) it’s also so that i have a way to get home that doesn’t involve or rely on the person that im on the date with (or someone else that i actually know, like a friend) to get me home.

like i hate that in one way, that i kinda HAVE to take that extra precaution bc men assaulting women on dates by spiking their (alcoholic) drinks or assaulting them when they drive them home when they’re drunk or whatever, are both so fucking common.... that i don’t want to drink while out on dates (and i don’t actually drink very much or very often anyway.... are my other reasons for not wanting to drink). or i don’t want to have to take a ride home with some random dude that i’ve awkwardly made chit-chat with over dinner for like 2 hours... and hope to god that he’s not one of ~those~ guys who will jump on me straight after the date, in his car, while im either flat out wasted OR he’s spiked my drink.... so that i don’t know what’s happening until he’s pulled over and he’s.... well, you sadly get the picture... because all of these stories are mostly the same. and also there’s the fact that i’ve already had enough near miss and full experiences like this, both through suggestions from men that i haven’t actually met irl and men that i have met irl, that i don’t want to have them again. so, me being able to drive is hopefully something that will keep me away from those experiences.

basically i want to be able to and kind of have to drive myself home to avoid being stuck with a stranger that i don’t know; who may want to assault me bc he thinks that he has a right to my body only bc we spent 2 hours at a restaurant together. like i fucking hate that expectation that you’ve had a date and now you must fuck. like we all know for it work for me, that i have to be friends first with the person for like maybe 6 months to a year at the very least (if we get on really well) or idk to like 3 years before i sleep with them. like i can’t fuck after the first date bc i don’t know the person well enough yet. and apparently that’s wrong????? like fuck off. but me having my license will let me have that space from men who like to think that sex after the first date is a must or whatever. like thank god, right? lmao.

like the above is beside the fact that not having my licence was why particular men were actually angry at me for not being able to drive over to their house at like 3am..... at some point in the past (like weird “let me give you sex lessons in the back of my car as a favour and sorta like payment for teaching you how to drive” guy back in 2014... LIKE HOW THE FUCK DOESNT THAT SOUND LIKE A SEXUAL ASSUALT SITUATION WAITING TO FUCKING HAPPEN IN THE BACK OF THAT DUDE’S CAR????!!! PLEASE TELL ME!)....

and “not having a (driver) licence” is always listed on those “45 petty things people have rejected potential dates over” listicles from like cosmo as well as buzzfeed.... (which i think is fucking ridiculously S T U P I D)... bc for some people it just wasn’t fucking possible to do it in their mid-to-late teens or even early 20s. like sorry it’s taken me this fucking long???? it’s literally not my fucking fault on some levels. anyway i’ll shut up about that bc that’s not what this post is really about lmao.

but yeah. i just really hope that i get my licence at the end of the month so that i can finally have a fucking life and.... maybe, just maybe..... start experimenting with dating..... but also avoiding drinking bc i don’t really like drinking alcohol anyway..... so then i can more easily filter out creeps.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know another thing i hate about all of the interactions that i’ve had with men that wanted to try to sleep with me/date me etc in the past, is that when i talked about clear braces guy who i “dated” in year 9/2010, it “doesn’t count” at all.... and it’s apparently because i refused to sleep with him, or whatever the fuck those dumbasses said.

like why the fuck doesn’t a relationship- albeit a really awkward and terrible teenage one lmao- “count” just bc i refused to touch/kiss a guy and “fuck him” as these guys always phrased it? like why must every interaction with a guy- again one that you “dated” in your teens- end in sex? bc y’all. i was 14/15. for fucks sake. why the hell was i expected to throw myself into sex with someone that i NEVER particularly liked in that way????

and what the actual fuck does the word “count” mean here??? is it the fact that i never touched & slept with clear braces guy that makes it an invalid/uncountable relationship or is it that i just refused to “fuck him” that counts as the uncountable thing that made me seem “unfuckable” (and every other rude assumption), to those creepy asf men????

bc why the actual fuck does there have to be a creepy bullshit tally on relationships/dating???? all as if you’re meant to keep score on who you throw yourself at???? bc has no one actually figured out that that’s fucking unhealthy or nah???? like no wonder so many people feel burnt out with relationships/dating or dont even bother with relationships/dating..... or just end up staying with their high school sweetheart to avoid being pressured and harassed like this.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

honestly the number one (1) thing that i despise about dating is the double standard between the standards that men and women set.

like a dude, lets say, deadbeat piece of shit kyle, 25 from minnesota who gets viral clickbait facebook article fame for setting out absolute batshit insane bullshit standards like “no fat chicks”, “no blondes”, “you must let me dictate what you wear everywhere”, “no talking to other dudes when you’re with me (so say goodbye to your guy friends, bitch)”, “no sluts” etc etc etc that they EXPECT to have met at every whim, no ifs or buts.... and everyone’s like “oh he KNOWS what HE wants... he’s ok!” when part of those standards literally sound vaguely controlling/abusive (like the “you must let me dictate what you wear everywhere” and “no talking to other dudes....”) but the bar is so fucking unbelievably and disgustingly low that everyone brushes those statements under the goddamned rug.

whereas whenever a woman (or me for example) says something like “all i want is a trustworthy partner and someone to be there when times get tough” (ok that was ridiculously corny but whatever... but you get my point) or the like....

the situation unfortunately instantly gets turned into something like “oh she’s demanding far too much! she doesn’t know what she wants! stupid girl, no one can ever meet that standard!!! LOWER YOUR STANDARDS bc you’ll never find someone who does THAT 😂😅🙄 GROW UP 🤬!!!! get off your fucking high horse bitch and just fuck whoever!!! and always accept shitty treatment from men. bc they’re just people, sweaty 🤷🏻‍♀️. STOP (🛑) being so high maintenance!!! because that will never get you a man!!!” or some other horrendously condescending bullshit like that.... as if wanting a trustworthy male partner is just too much of a demand for poor timmy from sydney; that you must lower your standards lower than a motherfucking limbo bar which is past the fucking point of anyone being able to get under it... instead you just have to step over it bc it’s on the fucking ground.

like fuck OFF. bc the amount of men i’ve had say any variation of the above to me are innumerable. fuck off. like why the fuck can’t men meet a simple standard of “trust” while they write absolute bullshit like “no brunettes” and the controlling comments in the top paragraph.... and they get dismissed with “he knows what he wants, leave him alone 🤷🏻‍♂️” and expect every one of those bullshit things to be met by a woman because apparently they can meet almost anything....

like it makes me tear my fucking hair out.... that im meant to put up with complete distrust/disloyalty or disrespecting of boundaries (like mr i’ll give you sex lessons in the back of my car or my stalker) from a man.... bc apparently me asking for trust or safe sex or whatever is too much for a precious man baby to meet... while i have to try and meet his absolute bullshit and be abused while doing it bc “men aren’t perfect 💁🏻‍♂️” and “have needs 🥺😫”... while im apparently just an “uptight, selfish and frigid bitch”, all because i refuse to believe that his so-called standards and clownery behaviour are NOT WORTH MY FUCKING TIME AND SANITY.

like i’d hate to imagine what twisted bullshit standards mr bar creeper weasel mcfuck had other than “you must let me snoop into your life all the time while i keep mine off limits” or some bullshit like that... which i would’ve HAD to meet if anything had happened past that night..... while any standard that i wanted met would’ve been completely fucking ignored... because women’s needs don’t matter, apparently. LIKE IT REALLY DOES FUCKING HEAD IN Y’ALL.

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okay don’t get me wrong. i know realistically that not every standard etc can be met in a relationship.... but the double standard between men and women where women are seen to be demanding and expecting far too much of men when they simply state that they want to “feel safe and respected” and have “safe consentual sex” for example in say an inbox.....

whereas men can write dumb shit like “no blondes” and “no bitches” or controlling shit like “if i don’t like your friends, they’re gone and that’s that” or some other shit i’ve seen in clickbait articles about tinder profiles or bad dating app convos and it’s taken as “he knows what he wants” etc should fucking stop.

because asking for safe and consentual sex is NOT too fucking much for ANYONE to ask. it is NOT a burden or a chore. nor is feeling safe and respected, for fucks fucking sake. IT’S REALLY NOT THAT FUCKING HARD.

but you know what needs to stop? the fucking dumbass bullshit about hair colour preference. the “no bitches/sluts/whores” etc bs from deadbeat pieces of shit like you, trent. and also the fact that you think you have a fucking awful, twisted right to control women as soon as you date them. learn to be a better fucking human being, trent.... you fucking creepy wanker. go to fucking therapy to sort your goddamned shit out, and don’t take it out on unsuspecting women on dating apps, fucking christ.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

if there’s one thing dating apps need (or at least i need) it’s an assistant that sorts out your matches for you, and discards the ones that seem creepy with like a standard rejection message, so that you don’t have to reject people yourself and women don’t have to deal with harassment from the men they reject. and the rejected profiles are then blocked or something from your account so that they can’t contact you.

bc every time i log onto plenty of fish, (pof, and admittedly it’s once like every 6 months lmao) there’s so many requests/matches that i get super overwhelmed and anxious and don’t bother going through and looking at them or talking to any of them bc there’s just too many profiles/men to sift through.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

is it normal to feel like you never really need a partner??? like i’ve mostly always felt this way... bar the times when i feel super lonely when someone gets engaged lmao. but other than that, i’ve always felt okay on my own.... but according to society (and also my dad) i have to have a partner to do everything with???? but i just don’t feel that drive to have one???

like i tried last year and got so fucking bored talking to random men and having to filter them out bc it was so much effort??? i just don’t have energy for it.... is this bad or is it okay??? i hate the constant pressure to always have a partner or to be trying to get one by dating which i just cbf to do???? fuck i hate it lmao. leave women be alone and be on their own for their whole lives.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

i think the fact that i’m so used to the guys i know only talking to me once every few years (usually to wish me a happy birthday on facebook)/reacting to my fb posts very, very occasionally..... or y’know just ignoring the fuck outta me for the rest of time.... is why i don’t like the idea of dating.

bc how in the fuck am i meant to deal with a guy wanting to talk to me everyday when i’ve been so used to being ignored???? and being treated like i basically don’t fucking exist??? i’m so used to guys thinking that i’m only worth a “happy birthday!” if they’re nice enough to remember the notification or w/e from fb.... like men really fucking suck. also how am i meant to deal with a guy that’ll hopefully actually remember my birthday???? even when i kinda forget about mine anyway haha.