#ill try to use better images from now on okay? forgive me

[everythingsinred]

Let’s Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 1)

Hey there, everyone. You might remember that more than a year ago I had posted Gakuen Alice essays about NatsuMikan related to both the anime and Natsume’s manga perspective. The Natsume one in particular was met with a surprising amount of feedback (for a fandom as small as ours). People told me my essay inspired them to reread the manga and helped them better understand Natsume’s character. I was also able to share some great music. So back by popular demand is ME! Talking for an agonizingly long time about a ship from a manga series that ended a decade ago! In excruciating detail!!!

This essay is even longer than Natsume’s because Mikan is the main character and this manga is about her, and also because I don’t have a life.

Less triggering material than in Natsume’s essay at first, but it’ll get dark pretty quick because... That’s how GA is. Hehe. Be warned.

Next ->

It’s time for the long-awaited final part of my three-part NatsuMikan analysis! Finally we can crack into Mikan, the surprisingly more elusive half of this pairing. The first part detailed their relationship in the anime. The second and third parts are about manga!NatsuMikan. It had to be split into two parts because I wanted to discuss each character’s individual journey of falling in love and I didn’t want it to be confusing. I started with Natsume because it was the easier one and I figured it would be shorter. Mikan would be a bit more challenging because she’s naive, sometimes even to her own feelings, and frequently misunderstands Natsume. 

From her point of view, Natsume is a wishy-washy mess. He’s confusing, conflicting, overwhelming. It takes her a while to fully understand him and even longer to realize her feelings. 

Here’s a disclaimer right at the start so I don’t have to address it later: I only ship Mikan romantically with Natsume. I’m not a multishipper and don’t really care much for the love triangle in the manga to begin with (I’m bored with the premise that “everyone is in love with Mikan!”; it’s honestly tiresome). Because of that, I won’t be discussing romance with other characters unless it’s to discuss her agency and choice. I could explain why I only ship her with Natsume, but maybe that will become evident in this essay. To be clear, this is just my personal opinion. I’m not saying other ships are good or bad; they’re just not for me and I won’t be discussing them here, to their benefit OR detriment. It’s just not relevant.

To be honest, this was the analysis I’d wanted to do from the beginning. I’ve been rereading Gakuen Alice over and over again for twelve years now. Each time I read it, I discover something new: whether it’s a funny easter egg or a panel I hadn’t paid much attention to before, there’s always something that had escaped my notice. No matter how many times I reread, there’s always something to discover. It’s why I never want to speak with full authority on anything. I could have always missed something, or misinterpreted something, or been left oblivious to something because of low-quality scans. 

One aspect of the manga that I only started focusing on relatively recently--surprisingly--is Mikan’s feelings for Natsume. When it comes to their relationship, Natsume’s half is more outwardly romantic (to us). He’s so goddamn obvious it’s impossible not to notice his affections. He’s the one smiling sweetly (and we discussed that his smiles are rare currency) at her, sacrificing things for her, going out of his way to protect her. He’s so glaringly apparent about his feelings that it’s difficult to imagine how Mikan could remain oblivious to them for so long. Moreover, because of how obvious and obnoxious Natsume is about his feelings, Mikan’s side of things is easily lost in the mix. How and why she starts falling in love with Natsume doesn’t seem as central, or even important. What matters is that they end up together. It makes sense then that Natsume would be the focus on NatsuMikan shipping. He just makes it too easy.

A few years ago, when I was about seventeen… so like seven years ago, my focus on my reread was on Mikan. How did she feel? How come she chose Natsume over her other options? What is it about her, and what is it about him, and what is it about them that leads to her loving him so much? Ever since that reread, my understanding about NatsuMikan has shifted and deepened. Mikan’s perspective in this relationship is what I’ve been preoccupied with for years and hopefully writing this essay will bring even more new details to my attention.

Mikan’s love for Natsume is about discovery, understanding, maturation, forgiveness, comfort, negativity, and agency. Natsume never “plays the game,” he never fights for her affections. He never intends on being with Mikan. She falls in love with him on accident and by choice and against his will and despite his every flaw.

Again, just like with Natsume, before we start discussing how she falls in love with this boy, let’s explore a little about Mikan and what makes her the person she is. As per my last essay, we will talk about the individual outside of the pairing because it’s important to understand the characters on their own if we’re going to properly analyze how they work together. 

Mikan

She is the most Babey character of All Time.

Sakura Mikan is a fifth-grader from the countryside. She lives a pleasant rural life with her grandpa. It’s not explored right away but we know that she never knew her parents and assumes that they are both dead. It’s a source of sadness for her for sure, but Mikan doesn’t start the story off as a traumatized and melancholy character (she’s not Natsume). 

She’s pretty simple, because she’s a child and she’s the one character in the main four who actually acts like one. She’s upbeat, optimistic, naive, sporty, and uninterested in academics. She misunderstands things, is quick to emotion, and is “stupid,” causing her to be frequently confused and also to move on from conflict pretty easily. She smiles all the time because she doesn’t have much reason not to. Life for Mikan is, for the most part, fun and delightful, like it should be for every kid.

The tumultuous first few months of her birth that she spent on the run with her mother probably had some sort of effect, of course. My sister Zoe knows more about psychology but she’s told me that everything that happens in your life, even in infancy, has an effect, even if you don’t remember it. What exactly that effect might be in Mikan I couldn’t say, so I can’t say for sure that Mikan doesn’t know what suffering is at the start, or that she has no problems at all.

When it comes to her guardianship, we can see right off the bat that Jii-chan probably rubbed off on her a lot. He’s also quick to emotion, with a quick temper but a mostly sweet disposition, just like her. She has a lot in common with him and throughout the manga, she thinks back on his teachings and he’s her one constant wish from the beginning: to see him again. (We’ll get more into that later, of course.)

There’s an omake after Chapter 100 (and just like Natsume’s essay, this will be ordered chronologically, not by the order or events in the manga) that recounts a scene from Mikan’s childhood, when she’s five years old at a lantern festival with her Jii-chan. The festival is about honoring dead ancestors, and intuitive Mikan figures out that she’s meant to be honoring her own deceased parents, even though her grandfather skirts the topic. She somehow ends up on a test of courage, having volunteered to collect party favor bags for her friends, even though she’s usually quite scared of ghosts and her grandpa told her tests of courage were disrespectful. 

Nobody does “volunteering for stuff I don’t wanna do” quite like she does...

If we imagine this to be a foundation-building moment for Mikan, we can use it to learn a lot about her. For one, we can see that she values her grandpa’s words. He told her tests of courage were “impudent” and she trusts that he’s right. She doesn’t want to rebel against his word. Next, we can see that she is kind. Even though she knows what her Jii-chan thinks, she’s willing to make an exception so that her friends can get their goody bags. She wants a treat for herself too of course, but there’s a reason why she volunteers instead of pressuring another girl to go. Then we can see that Mikan is cocky. She insists that she’s not scared even though she looks nervous. She puts airs on like this sometimes, as if she believes in the phrase “fake it ‘til you make it.” And finally, we know that, despite her fear, she wants to not be scared because she is sure that her parents are among the ghosts out tonight. We can see that there’s a connection she wants to make, and that’s one more reason why she might have decided to do the test of courage.

She is immediately abandoned by the other kids who are too scared to continue. She’s left to her own devices and she almost starts to freak out until she consoles herself, telling herself that she’s not scared of ghosts. She collects the bags for the kids and thinks back on what her Jii-chan told her. She then even calls out for the ghosts, for her parents. She stays out for a while until Jii-chan finally finds her in tears. He misunderstands that she must have been scared, but the truth is Mikan was moved in a way she can’t explain. 

Come, come, Ghost.

This moment captured in the omake is important because we can see that Mikan, even as a child, does have some depth to her. She’s not all naivete and cheer. She has a yearning for the “ghosts” she can’t reach, for the parents she never had. She loves her Jii-chan and never complains about not having parents, but she obviously feels the lack. It’s also important because throughout the manga she can “feel” her father’s presence, even if she’s unsure what it really is. His spirit stays with her, even if she never really knew him. That tie will stay and play a huge role later in the story, as Mikan is very much her father’s daughter.

This being said, she’s still certainly the most childish and happy and innocent of the characters at the manga’s start. Natsume is a mess of abuse and trauma, and has been for his whole life, as previously discussed ad nauseam. Ruka grew up in what is practically solitary confinement, stuck in his loneliness and desperately wanting a friend, only to end up feeling like a burden on the only friend he’s ever had. Even Hotaru, who has successfully evaded the Academy’s capture for many years, has lived her childhood more or less on the run, and wondering about her mysterious missing older brother. 

In comparison, Mikan doesn’t linger very much on her concerns. She’s more or less just a happy little girl. This distinction is important, because Mikan goes through extreme character development over the course of the story, and not necessarily in a good way. She goes through intense trauma and suffering and despite it all she only internalizes it in a self-damaging way. 

Then there is Mikan’s friendship with Hotaru, which begins when they are in the third grade and the enigmatic and cold Hotaru moves into Mikan’s little village. Interestingly, Mikan is actually put off by Hotaru at first because she doesn’t like girls that stand out more than her. Mikan is a bit shallow and very interested in being liked. 

Such a childish concern, to dislike someone because they're more interesting.

It’s only when Hotaru approaches her and suggests they could win a beauty contest together that Mikan changes her mind about her. Again--she’s shallow, incredibly moved by the comment on her own cuteness. Naturally, the fact that the contest requires a group submission means Hotaru needed to find someone in her class willing to join with her. It could just be that Hotaru thought Mikan would be easy to win over, before they really got to know each other. Either way, it worked, and they won the contest.

Once Mikan changes her mind about Hotaru, she completely switches gears. She goes from resenting Hotaru’s charm to obsessing over her. Hotaru goes from being an annoying new girl to the best friend in the whole world, practically within seconds, and I think I can explain the change. 

Mikan is, like I said, shallow. That’s to be expected because she’s just a kid. Kids have different priorities than adults. Mikan likes being liked, likes standing out. Hotaru starts their friendship by acknowledging that Mikan stands out in her own way and compliments her. They are both cute. It doesn’t need to be a source of contention: they can compete together. She essentially rules herself out as a rival and instead establishes herself as an ally. That’s really complex language for what is probably not at all conscious on either of their parts, because they’re just kids, but that’s what happens. 

(It’s also an interesting subversion of girls being rivals for popularity or attention. Mikan initially resents Hotaru for this, but instead they end up being best friends, sharing attention. Feminism and all that, destroying unnecessary female rivalry.)

Additionally, Hotaru withholds affection. Aside from this first interaction, Hotaru distances herself. She is hesitant to give compliments and hugs. (It’s interesting to compare Natsume and Hotaru in this way, because although they both come off as cold, for Natsume it’s clear that he’s acting this way against his will, when he is really much softer than he seems; Hotaru is just naturally closed off and slower to affection than other people.) 

As a result of this coldness, Mikan needs to work for the affection. She feels she is the one who loves more. Although that seems to be the case, Mikan also refuses to put up with Hotaru’s rude quips and cold attitude. She rebuffs her--often with physical violence--but she never wins. 

It's not exactly like Mikan tolerates Hotaru's treatment--she definitely fights back.

Higuchi Tachibana makes jokes about Mikan being masochistic. How else do you explain her connection to both Hotaru and Natsume, who are cold and even mean to her, if only on the surface? She is mistreated by both of them: bullied, teased mercilessly, and not given the validation she seems to endlessly crave. She must enjoy the suffering! But I think there’s more to it. Mikan even says it herself: she sees the softness and kindness that Hotaru won’t show. She understands Hotaru. She may complain about the lack of attention, but ultimately she understands that Hotaru shows her fondness in a unique way. 

And this is the most important thing to know about Mikan before we start the meat of the essay: she has the potential for incredible emotional intelligence.

Mikan is definitely more brawn than brain. She’s not smart, not in regards to book smarts or street smarts. She’s cute, but many characters describe her as plain and unassuming (though it’s funny to talk about things like that in a manga where most characters’ faces look identical). She’s certainly not a stunning beauty like Hotaru or Nobara are. She’s emotional and has a quick temper. She’s loud and brash and annoying and immature and doesn’t always take things seriously.

The thing that sets Mikan apart (though I would argue none of the above traits are bad) is her emotional intelligence, particularly her intuition. Mikan has a deep understanding that all people are different and sees an inherent value in each person. She is deeply empathetic and seeks connections with people. This understanding allows her to make connections that other people don’t, leading to her being able to deduce things from implicit or entirely unsaid scenarios. She understands a few profound concepts that her classmates don’t fully grasp, and I think her optimistic and childish viewpoint helps her understand the world in a way her jaded and cynical peers might not consider. 

Of course, sometimes her hasty emotional reactions overshadow this emotional intelligence, but what matters is that the skills are there. Throughout the manga, Mikan helps other people hone this skill, and that’s crucial to why she ends up being so magnetic to so many characters.

Now that we’ve summarized Mikan’s character by the story’s start, we can formally begin the essay. Again, just like I said with Natsume, we will explore her character both independently and as part of a ship. I will explore her relationships with other characters (just like I explored Natsume’s other relationships), because it helps to flesh the NatsuMikan out. If it takes a bit to get super shippy, that’s just because this relationship begins with them as enemies. Thank you for your patience.

Chapter One

Mikan’s story--and ours--starts with a dilemma: her weirdo friend Hotaru has turned out to be a genius “Alice” and is now going to a new school, and only let her know at the very last minute!

In the anime, this opening sequence takes place in the heat of summer, amidst Mikan’s passionate petition to keep their school open. I explained in my anime essay that I think that accounts for a general difference between the two from the get-go, that the anime was bound to stay on the childish side of things while the manga dared to go darker. 

But regardless of why the anime chose to start in a warmer season, the more pressing issue is why the manga begins in the cold. My literature degree pays off, it seems, because each season has almost universal symbolism. The year as a whole commonly represents a human lifespan, but more than that it can symbolize personal evolution and change, as well as common themes. 

Spring is the season of renewal and rebirth, of fresh starts and joy. Summer is symbolic of love, passion, and liberty, of exploration and burgeoning adulthood. Autumn represents change, reflection, slow maturation and eventual harvest, and even loss, just like plants begin to die before winter. And finally winter represents sorrow, struggle, and of course death. These will all be relevant in the future so keep note of them! Mikan is our main character and this is her story of her gradual evolution and maturation, and the changing seasons fit her development quite well.

Loss. Sorrow. A childhood friend moving away forever.

That’s why the story starts in winter: this is the hardest thing Mikan has had to go through so far in her life. We meet her at the height of her sadness, at a low point. This is the figurative winter of her friendship with Hotaru. Because even though Hotaru attempts to comfort her with promises of letters and occasional visits, Mikan knows that they will lose touch. She parts with Hotaru in tears, upset and distraught, accusing Hotaru of taking her for granted and not caring about her. 

Though we later learn that Hotaru went through her own ordeal when she first came to the Academy, her letters blocked by strict censors and regulations, from Mikan’s perspective, Hotaru simply didn’t care enough to keep in touch. The one letter she gets comes in the summer--which you will remember represents exploration and freedom and those themes are the main focus here--and Hotaru dismissively shakes off the idea of a vacation visit because of the hot weather. While Mikan has been writing every other day, Hotaru has sent one letter (successfully) in six months. 

For Mikan, this is what she expects because at this stage her low emotional point freezes her typical tendency to try and understand the situation from Hotaru’s point of view. She knows that Hotaru doesn’t show her love outwardly, but has--in her despair--forgotten that she shows it in other, subtler ways. 

After complaining and whining at school, Mikan is given a time-out from class and overhears a conversation between students about that school Hotaru was transferred to. The Alice school protects its geniuses, keeping them locked up in a prison and refusing them contact with the outside world. She learns from the gossip that Hotaru’s family had been avoiding the scouts for years, successfully, until now, when Hotaru learned that the government gives you money for attending. 

Mikan is obviously devastated that Hotaru willingly transferred to a school where she knew they’d never see each other again ‘til graduation, just for the sake of money. She feels cheated, sold out, and lied to. Interestingly, none of her classmates seem to offer her any solace. She spitefully claims she’ll make lots of new friends, and it does feel as if it had just been the two of them against the world before.

"I'll make other friends," instead of "I have other friends."

I’m about to speculate with my own thoughts here, and it’s fine if anybody disagrees because this is all basically a headcanon, but I don’t think Mikan had any close friends other than Hotaru before attending the academy. Mikan has always liked being liked, and she can talk and play with pretty much anybody because of her outgoing and bold personality, but I think Hotaru was her first real friend, the first time she felt a real worthwhile connection to somebody. That’s part of the reason she clings so desperately to her. She has other girls to hang out with, even with Hotaru gone, but she seems lonelier than ever, and she never mentions any of her old classmates once she transfers. Hotaru isn’t just her best friend, but her only real friend. But at the academy she makes plenty of friends, strong and meaningful connections with people other than Hotaru. This is a point I’ll dig into more deeply later on, but I wanted to introduce it here because I think it makes her missing Hotaru all the sadder: she lost not just her best friend, but her only friend.

In any case, the lonely and miserable Mikan is wallowing in self-pity until she overhears one more conversation, between the school principal and Hotaru’s mother. She learns here that Hotaru gave all the money from the transfer to the school.

I get why the anime made Mikan protest the school's closing, but the manga makes this so much more about Hotaru this way.

The anime has Mikan protesting to keep the school open. When Hotaru gives the money to keep it open, it’s a gift to Mikan because Mikan cares so much.

Here, Mikan is oblivious to the school’s financial situation. Hotaru gives the money because she cares so much. This is the place where she met her best friend, after all, and it housed many memories that she doesn’t want to see destroyed. More than that: she did such a selfless thing without saying anything about it, because Hotaru isn’t the type of person to advertise any of her actions, even the noble ones.

Hotaru’s mother explains that Hotaru had moved around a lot in her childhood and gone to many schools. But this was the first time she liked a place, where she finally found a friend. 

Mikan is finally making the connection: Hotaru left because she was ready, because she’d finally found a place where she could make happy memories, and because she wanted to save that place, as a way to show her appreciation to the people she cared about, especially Mikan. And she left without notice because she would rather piss Mikan off so she would forget her, than to have her sad and missing her. 

We get a very important flashback here, one of the most character-defining moments for Mikan. Mikan brags that Hotaru is her best friend, but when she asks Hotaru, she just says she’s her own best friend. Mikan cries about it, hurt that Hotaru doesn’t value her as a best friend. Hotaru is unmoved by Mikan’s tears, claiming that she is 30% uglier when she cries, but also telling her that she much prefers when Mikan smiles, because it helps her forget her own troubles.

This is Hotaru trying to give a compliment. "I don't hate when you smile." LMAO.

Mikan looks back on this moment a lot, and the meaning behind Hotaru’s words devolves and warps into something very dangerous. 

When Hotaru meets Mikan, Mikan is an innocent and joyful girl. She has a carefree life and she smiles because of it. Hotaru is comforted by this, by the innocence and joy that Mikan conveys. It’s comforting to see the bright side of life constantly shining out of one person, who couldn’t see the darkness even if she tried. As Mikan grows and changes and her life stops being so carefree, she still carries Hotaru’s wishes for her to smile with her, and that will cause some trouble ahead (EVEN IF THE MANGA DISAGREES WITH ME).

In any case, Mikan becomes spiteful again, because Hotaru underestimated her loyalty. Hotaru thought it was possible for Mikan to forget her. Additionally, she feels guilty because she was also cruel to Hotaru, at their parting and in all her letters, only griping about Hotaru instead of being a good friend. She didn’t look deeper at Hotaru’s side of things because she didn’t want to. But now that she knows, she wants to start their friendship over, even if it is from afar.

She steals Jii-chan's money and travels all the way to Tokyo so that she can sneak into the academy and find Hotaru again. 

Even within just the first chapter, Mikan undergoes character development. She goes from the loss of winter to the determined liberty of summer, and she’s going to begin a journey on her own all for the sake of her friend.

She has the wish of becoming like Hotaru, of being able and willing to sacrifice herself for the people precious to her. She runs away, but the thing is that she’s sacrificing Jii-chan’s money and concern. Her journey to see Hotaru is moving, but it’s more brash than anything. That sentiment she has, of equating sacrifice with strength and love, is one she has in common with Natsume. It’s a dangerous sentiment and will cause both of them a world of pain, but for now, Mikan is just a naive little girl in Tokyo.

But what exactly are you sacrificing here, Mikan?

She’s immediately overwhelmed and spends all the stolen money on presents for herself and Hotaru. She gets dropped off at Alice Academy, an enormous research institute that seems to go on for miles. Even though she’s intimidated, she refuses to give up and starts advocating loudly for herself to enter the school. After being tricked by some predators and then saved by Narumi (exhibit A of Mikan not being able to look after herself in this first arc), he introduces her to the concept of alices, because it seems she has one. To him, a familiar one.

And even though he knows Yuka would definitely not want Mikan attending, he tells her he can help her enter. He’s doing this for a selfish reason, because he wants to draw his long lost unrequited love back. 

But Mikan doesn’t know about any of that. Narumi’s about to tell her what his alice is when there’s a huge explosion at the gate and Mikan is blown away by the blast.

Narumi then introduces her to Hyuuga Natsume, the prodigy of the elementary division, with the fire alice, who was just trying to escape the school.

Mikan first sees Natsume in the smoke of the explosion he caused, shrouded in shadow and with his face covered by a black cat mask. He’s a mystery, almost representative of the mysterious school she’s about to enter. The thing is he’s trying to leave and she’s trying to get in. 

He tries to jump and Narumi stops him, hitting him with the bean whip, and Mikan is horrified. She can see him with his mask off now, already battered from Narumi’s whip. 

I analyzed this picture TWICE and tumblr erased it both times so third time's the charm I hope. ANYWAY, Mikan has already had reaction panels to Natsume: to his explosion, to his presence on the gate with the mask, to Narumi hitting him. This is a new reaction: her reaction to his unmasked face. She looks so OwO about it (in my opinion). Mikan is easily enthralled by pretty faces after all, and Natsume canonically has a pretty face! Read into that what you will.

Natsume falls inelegantly and painfully to the ground and Narumi makes a snippy little comment about ruining his cute face but Mikan is still in shock. She immediately approaches Natsume to see if he’s okay. Mikan is kind, and Narumi just hurt somebody! Their very first interaction is a kind one, only because of Mikan’s first instincts to check on him. 

Narumi stomps on Natsume’s hand to stop him from using his alice. It’s too late, he’s been caught, it’s all over now. If Natsume tries to use his alice, he’ll just get hit with Narumi’s. Natsume hardly says anything except to call Narumi a pervert and then he’s hit with the pheromone alice through a kiss on the cheek anyway (which is hardly fair because Natsume didn’t use his alice again!) and he falls unconscious.

Mikan watches this all go down, overwhelmed, confused, and understandably frightened. She follows Narumi at his prompting, Natsume slung over his shoulder, but she’s obviously stunned. So much has happened in a short time, so even though she’s finally passing through the gates, one step closer to seeing her best friend again, she’s still spooked. What kind of school is this, where kids in masks try to run away by setting off explosions, where they get whipped and smooched against their will? It’s definitely not the best first impression. Just a bit ago, Mikan wanted nothing more than to get inside the gates, but now that she’s actually getting what she wanted, it feels less than pleasant.

This first encounter is representative of Mikan’s entire relationship with Natsume: he’s a boy who just doesn’t make any damn sense.

Chapter Two

Because of everything Mikan went through in chapter one, she is understandably anxious about finally entering Alice Academy after all this time. Narumi leaves her alone in a huge fancy room with Natsume out cold on the sofa. He tells her he’ll be reporting what has happened to the principal and explains nothing further. 

If there's one consistent string in Mikan's feelings towards Natsume, it's curiosity. He's impossible to figure out.

She sits alone and stares at Natsume’s mysterious mask, confused about everything that took place, particularly with the unconscious boy. She wonders how she could possibly trust Narumi after he hit and sexually harassed a student and these thoughts cause her to freak out until Misaki-sensei bursts in on accident. He ends up forced into the position to help Mikan make sense of everything. 

He reassures her about Narumi and tells her about his alice, which makes her think she’s living in a comic book all of a sudden. Mikan gets very excited but moves on easily to the next topic: Natsume’s mask. 

I talked about my point of view on the mask in the last essay, on how marking and physically abusing “problem” children instead of trying to guide them and help them deal with their powers is just not productive or helpful at all. Misaki-sensei is a teacher at the academy though and he’s been living in that kind of environment for his whole life. He is used to this school, where teachers hurt kids for acting out of line. That’s just the culture, and when you’re always surrounded by something you don’t always question it. Really, nobody in the manga really questions it. 

It’s also important that the manga is mostly from Mikan’s POV. She’s easily reassured by Misaki’s explanations because she’s a naive child and she takes him for a trustworthy adult. Mikan’s trust gets challenged a lot, but she tends to dole it out without much hesitation. Childish Mikan seeing this weird and unsettling world is what makes the manga so lighthearted at first. Any other perspective would be far darker, but for her, she’s in a fun adventure story!

Misaki tells Mikan that black cats are bad luck. After all, he points out, if Natsume really put his mind to it, he could probably overpower the mask. 

Why did the anime change Misaki to Jii-chan for the sake of warning her to stay away from black cats? I’m not sure. Mikan values Jii-chan’s word, as we discussed. If he says something is right or wrong, she tends to take him seriously and she thinks of him often when making decisions. The thing is, Mikan doesn’t stay away from Natsume. They begin the story hating each other, sure, but distance isn’t something Mikan preoccupies herself with. I think Misaki being the person who warns her is more realistic. He introduces her to Natsume, establishing him as no good, somebody to stay away from. His word weighs less than Jii-chan’s. It’s a warning, and Mikan does take it seriously since there’s so many things wrong with Natsume, but it’s not enough to really make her stay away.

He then runs off too, because of a message that someone is breaking into the greenhouse. If Natsume wakes up, she has to press an emergency button. 

I hate that superstition because I love cats but it's interesting that GA (and Mikan, particularly) resist it too. Though maybe Natsume would agree with Misaki-sensei that he's bad luck.

Misaki (and later Iinchou) is pretty much the only person who has actually talked to her about alices so far. He answered her questions to the best of his ability and tried to explain how things work here, but she’s still confused. She’s still new. And she’ll be confused for the rest of the manga because everyone lies to her and keeps secrets from her, leaving her in the dark and sometimes even unprepared. This is just a little taste of what’s to come.

Mikan is now alone again, with a boy who’s apparently so dangerous that he’d be considered a threat as soon as he opens his eyes. She’s freaked out again, because this guy is dangerous and she’s supposed to avoid black cats. But she decides to squeeze his nose and test him. When he doesn’t immediately wake up, she quickly calms down and moves onto her biggest priority: that she’ll be seeing Hotaru soon. (She easily forgets her troubles.)

But Natsume does wake up, and the first thing he does is attack Mikan and demand to know her identity, as if it matters at all. Mikan is so scared--no doubt in part because of what Misaki told her about him, but also because he has a hand on her throat and is threatening to set her hair on fire--she can’t even speak, shocked into silence. Mikan has never been in a situation like this, being attacked by a complete stranger for seemingly no reason. It might just be the scariest moment of her life (so far), so it makes sense that she is rendered mute momentarily.

Misaki-sensei is initially proven right, and only gradually proven wrong. Gakuen Alice as a story seems to be against the idea that a first impression could be accurate.

They’re only interrupted briefly when yet another mysterious boy crashes through the window. Natsume calls him Ruka and then Mikan is the subject of discussion again, the weird girl who won’t say who she is. But really, they’re the weird ones! What kind of a person attacks someone just for being in the same room? What kind of person flies in through a closed window? Poor Mikan is an outcast to the outcasts. And they both take off as soon as Narumi and Misaki burst into the room.

This day has been a mess so far! To think that she only just got here!

We have the inciting incident out of the way now. We are now eons away from the first kind interaction between them outside the gates (Mikan introducing herself) and now they’re enemies (Natsume introducing himself). 

It’s bizarre to imagine that Mikan will one day change her mind about Natsume, that she will end up understanding him and even more that he will understand her, that they will both change in huge ways because of each other.

But for now, that’s not a possibility. Mikan hates that guy.

She is inconsolable for a moment, sobbing in despair. 

The only thing that comforts her is Narumi handing her a new uniform to change into. She cheers up easily after that, wiping her tears and rejoicing over her new enrollment… even though it is tentative. She needs to pass a test in order to formally enroll: to be accepted as a classmate by her new class, Class B. That seems simple enough a task for outgoing and sociable Mikan. She can get along with almost anybody!

And then all the planets align because the Class B representatives come in--and one of them is Hotaru! A reunion hug seems inevitable but Hotaru voices disgust at Mikan’s crying--she’s uglier than the Mikan she remembers.

So Mikan wipes her face and forces her mouth into a smile, telling us that she wants to be a person who Hotaru can always count on to be smiling, no matter what (not good!). 

This is a sweet scene, a dangerous lifestyle.

Hotaru and Mikan are ten years old, so they obviously have a limited view of what’s healthy. It’s comforting to see somebody always smiling, always upbeat and positive, so that no matter how poorly you feel, you can always count on seeing somebody who sees the silver lining. But Mikan is a person, and she can’t always feel happy. So what Mikan takes from that dilemma isn’t that she shouldn’t always have to smile: it’s that she should smile, even when she’s emotional, sad, angry, anything. She’ll have a complex about this for the rest of the manga, unfortunately. (I think Hotaru wishes for Mikan to be the kind of person who can always see the bright side, rather than a person who has to pretend to see the bright side, but Mikan will quickly run into situations that are dark and hopeless, so she smiles even when she can’t see the bright side.)

The manga doesn’t seem to view this as a problem, instead thinking it noble to put other people’s comfort above your own feelings. 

But I think it’s a problem and I’ll be discussing it as a problem throughout this essay. 

Anyway, Hotaru is touched that Mikan came all this way to see her, and invites Mikan to hug her. It’s sweet that Hotaru lets Mikan cling to her until they finally enter the classroom. It’s proof that Hotaru isn’t entirely nonchalant and apathetic: she missed Mikan too, even though her one letter might not have shown that. Hotaru only shows affection on certain occasions, when she feels it’s warranted. This reunion is an example of that.

Mikan is not as confident anymore once she gets a good look at the class though, because every single person in front of her is a freak.

I love how Narumi just drops her off and leaves as if he's not Class B's homeroom teacher. He's like "I'm a teacher here ♥ and I hate teaching! ♥"

Conclusion

Mikan has entered Alice Academy and met Natsume, though he failed to make a good impression. In the next segment, he'll make sure she thinks he's even worse (though she'll never stop being curious).

I HATE TUMBLR. I was ready to publish this more than an hour ago but Tumblr refused to save my draft properly (I have all my text in separate documents but I have to put in each pic separately and I add captions only in the formatting/editing phase so I lost content.) I would add more but I'm really exhausted and this essay is already too long anyway. I'll try to fit in all of the Northern Woods arc in the next part. Stay tuned for tomorrow!

Next ->

[shipsgaysfordays]

Qualms

 This is a response to today’s prompt from @wolfstarmicrofic

ALSO THIS IS A SECOND CHAPTER SO I WOULD RECOMMEND READING THE FIRST CHAPTER FIRST.

Links here

Plus a reminder that in this fic Remus uses they/them pronouns and Sirius uses all pronouns.

CW: Mental illness, questioning of reality, a knife and a bit of violence described with said knife

Remus had no qualms about meeting Sirius, absolutely none. Definitely didn’t despise the combination of THAT location with THAT person and THOSE memories and some stupid thing that Sirius wants to tell Remus so maybe just maybe Remus would forgive her, which they never would do such a thing. No matter how much nostalgia and trauma inducing memories they would be dancing around, nothing could make up for what happened. 

They packed a cloth bag: healing elixir in case they get the upper hand, a knife, poison which will hopefully not get confused with the healing elixir, rope, matches, cigarettes, a sandwich and book for the train, and some chocolate. Despite packing food, Remus couldn’t eat on the train, they couldn’t do anything as they simply stared off into space considering what would be happening in just a few hours. Do they try to start more casually or take the knife out immediately, or maybe give zim food with the poison, or a multitude of options that they considered. 

Moving like a zombie, they walked forward with no thoughts until they were eventually stomping on dead grass walking over annoying little hills until finally standing in front of the decrepit wood shack. I can turn back now, Remus thought, I can turn back and leave and forget that I ever had this life just like Mary did, leave everything and everyone and every memory behind. But they knew, they knew they would need to push through and do it, so they pushed open the door. 

They could feel the sense of magic in the room, not from the atmosphere or anything idiotic like that since the shack was hell, but they could feel power…there wasn’t a sound upstairs. Remus stood in the empty first floor, considering walking up but they had a feeling if they did they would be ambushed, they had a feeling either way that would happen. They hadn’t prepared enough for more people to be here than just their ex lover. Since this seemed like it could be the end, and since they wanted to make it apparent that they were in the home, Remus began stomping around and observing all the little dents and destruction caused to this wooden torture palace when they were young. The image of antlers stuck in the wall and a young annoyed and terrified deer came to mind. 

Anxious steps came closer and closer down the stairs, “Remus,” a familiar gruff voice began. Their back had been turned, quickly Remus spun around and opened their cloth bag, pulling out the knife and pointing it across the room. 

Immediately Sirius’ hands shot up. “I don’t mean to cause trouble.”

“Of course you don’t, you never do, you lying bastard,” Remus voice filled with a sarcasm that sounded almost like what burnt caramel tastes like. Slowly, they took steps closer and closer to Sirius. Zer anxiousness and fear clear in zer wide eyes. 

“I just…I-I need to tell you something, but I don’t know how.” 

“What, you’re gonna tell me you love me, beg for me to come back to you like we’re 16 again, like things are that simple again,” Remus backed them into the wall, holding the knife to their neck, “James and Lily are dead, and you’re barely even you anymore. Padfoot is gone and dead, Lord Black just needs to join them.”

Time felt like it stood still. Remus stared at them, their eyes wide with fear and tears, a part of them wanted to hug them and make things better because it was Sirius. That stupid youthful Moony part of them wanted to throw the knife across the room, kiss him and tell her everything would be okay. But this was how things turned out, Sirius would live up to the expectations of his family and Remus would live to be the murderous killer that everyone expected him to be. 

Sirius's eyes glanced behind Remus for a second, “no,” they started to say.

Remus' eyes were locked on Sirius, “yes,” they said as they began to move their hand.

Then something very unexpected occurred, a third voice spoke, though I guess it’s not too unexpected since Remus had felt other people must be present, he just didn’t expect that voice of all voices. 

“Accio knife,” a man's voice spoke anxiously at the sight of Remus and Sirius.

Small droplets of blood began to trickle down his neck, Remus’ fingers brushing it, nose filled with the smell of copper because of the wolf. Remus couldn’t look away from them, both breathing heavily.

“I–I don’t know what to do…don’t leave,” Remus’ arms started holding them. They stayed there for a few minutes, Sirius holding them back as they stared at the figure behind Remus.

“Please, let me explain.”

A big part of Remus wanted to say no, fuck no, nothing could help this situation. Still another part felt at home in her arms and was desperate for him to stay, so lowly they spoke, “okay.”

“I was falsely imprisoned, for a crime I didn’t commit.”

“Why should I believe you?”

“Just, let me continue…I didn’t commit the crime, no one did.”

“You expect me to believe the Potter’s killed themselves and their child.” 

Sirius was about to speak, until.

“No, because we never died,” Lily’s voice rang in their ears, it was impossible, but it did. 

Remus broke apart from Sirius and stared behind them, Lily and James, next to each other. James holding a bloody knife that they had in their hands only seconds ago. 

They glanced back at Sirius, “What are you doing to my brain?”

“What do you mean, Moony?” Lily spoke softly.

“None of this is real, IT CAN’T BE REAL, I–” they breathed heavily, “this isn’t real, I’m alone surrounded by ghosts by thoughts by everything fucked up in MY MIND.” Remus’ hands ran manically through their hair. 

“Moony, we’re back, please,” James touched their arm. Immediately they backed away, quickly into the corner of the room. 

“No…no, no no no,” Remus shook their head, “no, it can’t be real. I’m alone. I’m alone, I’m sorry I couldn’t fix this before and make things right but you don’t need to….my mind doesn’t need to lie to me.” They fell to the floor, their eyes wide as they trembled. 

“Remus, look at me,” Lily spoke softly, starting to crouch next to them. “Look at me,” she spoke sternly this time.

They looked up into the green eyes and the face and the Lily of it all was overwhelming, it was her, or the closest thing to her. She grabbed their hands that had been moving like a pendulum, “I need you to take a deep breath for me, I know it’s a lot, but it’s real.” 

Remus’ face went blank for a second, looking at their best friend whom they thought was dead, they took a deep breath, not wanting to make her angry. Their hands pulled away but she continued to grip tight. 

“Lily I–” James started from across the room, where he had been helping with Sirius’ small wound. 

Their breath hitched, they felt trapped, and like their air was closing in, they needed…they needed, “GET AWAY FROM ME,” Remus screamed, breaking their hands free and pushing Lily away. 

 It was all too much, they looked back to Sirius, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry,” they wailed as they ran out the door. How is this reality? They questioned as they ran into the night.

[sunflowergirl522]

You Need To Remember Part 2

Pairing: Peter Maximoff x Reader

Summary: Your best friend Peter gets sucked into a different reality in front of you and you use your power to go after him. You find yourself in a new reality but you don’t remember how you got there.

Warnings: Language

Word Count: 1875

Masterlist Previous Part Next Part

While you go downstairs to see what the twins were up to, Peter stays on the bed, stirring in his thoughts. The more he thinks of his dream, the more he remembers, the more he starts to break out of the fog around his mind. And the more upset he gets that Wanda’s gotten into your head when you just wanted to help him. He rushes to confront his so-called twin before she can get back into his mind.

Meanwhile you head downstairs to see the twins playing video games in front of the couch. The house looks different and as much as that tickles something in the back of your head, it doesn’t seem out of place, it seems normal to wake up in an entirely new decade. You plop down behind the twins not bothering with getting anything to eat when you hear muffled arguing coming from upstairs. You and the twins share a look before they go back to playing their game. When it starts to glitch out and revert back to games from past decades they look at you as if you could fix it.

“We have to go.” As the twins run up yelling for their mom, Pietro appears next to you, pulling you up into his arms so he can hold onto your neck.

“What, why?” He speeds the two of you into an alley behind a group of houses before he lets go of you. You stumble a bit feeling a little ill from the motion, but you can’t help but feel as if you should be used to it by now. 

“Stay right here, I’ll grab us some clothes and when I come back I’ll explain, alright?”

“Yeah, alright. Are you okay? I heard you fighting with your sister.” He runs a hand through his hair thinking of how easy this would be if he could’ve gotten Wanda to release her hold on you, she was adamant that she wasn’t doing anything to you though.

“She’s not my sister, just stay right here. I’ll be back in just a minute.” He kisses your forehead, something the two of you would do back home when one of you was sick or worried, and places his hands on your shoulders. “I mean it, don’t go teleporting off somewhere.”

“Teleporting? Pietro what-” But he’s gone before you can finish speaking. What is he going on about? Of course Wanda’s his sister if she wasn’t why would you guys have come to this town. And teleporting? You? He knows you don’t have powers like he does.

True to his word Pietro’s back in just a minute now dressed in colorful clothes, a blue beanie resting atop his head. In his hands are clothes for you, which he holds out for you to take. The clothes consist of bell bottom jeans and a rainbow shirt that you’re sure will be tight on you. He turns around with a quick ‘get dressed’ after you take them from him.

“Right here, anyone can walk out and see me.”

“If you don’t hurry up and get dressed I’m gonna do it for you.”

“Can’t we just go back to the house, Pietro?” He sighs before turning around to face you.

“Peter. Sorry Y/n, but I’m sure you’ll forgive me.” And the next thing you know he’s tossing your pajamas into a trash can and you’re in the form fitting clothes. He whistles as he turns to look at you. “Damn Y/n you sure clean up nice.”

“Okay, now what?” Your hands go to your hips as you stand there impatiently.

“Right, do you remember what you said to me last night? About the school, about how we don’t belong here, about us.” All you can do is shake your head and as you’re about to ask him if he’s okay once more he speaks again. “C’mon you need to remember. There’s a presence in your head, yeah? I know you can feel it, feel her. You’ve always been good at fighting Jean out of that head of yours, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to fight Wanda out.”

“I don’t know what you want from me.” He’s right you can feel the presence but you don’t know how you’re supposed to get it out of your head.

“Just try, okay? Try for me.” You nod at him seeing the desperation in his eyes before shutting your own and trying to focus on getting whoever was in there out. You find the strength to push just enough to get the attention of the person in there and a glimpse of your actual life.

You again, I thought I told you to stop fighting? 

Get out of my head.

I thought you were happy with the life you got here. It’s so much better than longing after him from afar, with no happy ending in sight. She shows you the memories you have of watching Peter with Jubilee and the times he told you about a date he was on. Memories of Jean teasing you for being jealous and of nights that you would cry into her shoulder over how much you loved him.

You’re wrong, there’s always a happy ending. You force memories of the two of you hanging out and laughing together to the front of your mind. Memories of playing games and listening to music and taking care of each other when the other is feeling down. Even if he doesn’t feel the same.

When you open your eyes again you’ve succeeded in pushing her out and you’re back to being you again. “Peter?”

“Y/n? Are you back to being you?”

“Back and better than ever, baby! What do you have me in by the way?” You back up and fully take in your outfit that clung to your skin like glue. “Are these heeled sandals?”

“Yeah.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry I just grabbed the first outfit I could. You look good though.”

“You have a point there. My ass looks great in these jeans. You couldn’t get me a pair of sunglasses or anything?” He’s in front of you dangling a pair of sunglasses on his finger. “Thanks, look at us looking like a pair of stoners.” You both laugh at your words before Peter gets serious again.

“What are you doing here? How did you even get here?”

“Well when your best friend disappears right in front of you what else are you gonna do other than follow the loser to a new reality. As for how I got here, I’m not sure, it hasn’t come back to me yet. What I do know is we’re both back to being ourselves and it’s not Wanda, at least she wasn’t the voice in my head.”

“Who is it then?”

“I don’t know, but we should go tell Wanda about it. You think stores around here have bubblegum?”

“One way to find out.” Peter smirks at you before grabbing you and dashing off.

***

When you get back to Wanda’s house she’s being escorted away by a neighbor leaving a familiar looking woman behind. Peter goes to follow Wanda but you hold onto his hand as you take off the sunglasses to get a better look at her.

“I think I know her.”

“How would you know her? She's never been here before.” But you knew that was wrong, how though.

“I just...do. You go on and see what’s going on with Wanda, I’m gonna figure out who mystery woman is.” 

“Be careful, Y/n.” 

“When am I not, Maximoff.” You smirk at him as you step back and teleport away. 

“All the damn time.” Peter mumbles to himself before heading in the direction Wanda went.

“Who are you?” The lady jumps at your sudden appearance in front of her. You’re chewing your gum obnoxiously and blow a bubble leaning on a car next to you. Her face scrunches up in confusion. “You don’t seem like you belong here.” You push the sunglasses up onto your head and something seems to click in hers.

“You! Did you ever find your friend?” She walks up to you as if you’re an ally she’s excited to find.

“Do I know you?”

“Oh, right, I’m Monica. I'm from the SWORD headquarters you showed up at at first.” You take her outstretched hand and the memory of you getting here hits you like a ton of bricks. 

The memory of you all but tearing your way into their reality after talking to the professor and Hank about if it was possible comes to mind. And then storming into the headquarters when the sight of him on the tv stopped you. The tension was high in there, even higher now that you showed up. The man who seemed to be in charge was just arguing with someone. At the sight of your angry appearance he spoke into his comms, something about guns. An alarm goes off, the red of it matching your anger at having your best friend stolen from you.

“Where is he?” You had asked the man in charge while pointing at the image of a laughing Peter.

“Who are you?” The woman, Monica asked you but you weren’t there for introductions. Men armed with guns start to flood into the room and you fling them back into the walls.

“Where. Is. He?” You take a few steps closer to her before the brunette behind her speaks.

“He’s in the hex.”

“What?” Your head whips over to look at her.

“One of our mighty heroes went rogue and is holding people hostage in her own reality.” You start to choke the man speaking without a care as you turn to face him.

“I wasn’t speaking to you, was I? Where is it?” You turn back around to face the brunette again. She just points out the window to respond to you.

“She’s controlling everything in there, she’ll control you too.” The man forces it out of his mouth, gaining your attention once more.

“And you’re not doing anything about it? You’re not working on getting him out?”

“We don’t know how.” Monica speaks again and you scoff, cracking your knuckles.

“Then I’ll do it.” With that you release your hold on the man's neck and all of his guards before teleporting to the static wall. You can feel the power coming from it as you reach out with your hand. You had mumbled a quick ‘I’m coming Pete’ before getting sucked in.

“Y/n.” You say as you shake Monica’s hand. “Sorry about choking out your boss.”

“He’s a dick he deserved it anyway.”

“Anyway,” you blow another bubble, “yeah, I found my friend and snapped him out of it. I should meet up with him anyway, you going after Wanda too?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go then.” You push the sunglasses back onto your face before following Monica. You watch her as she looks in windows and doors before opening up the cellar doors to unveil vines and a way into what seems to be a dungeon. 

“Snoopers gonna snoop.” Peter zips so he’s right next to her and you smile at his words while Monica looks at him shocked.

[normal-thoughts-official]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR BEAUTY AND THE BEAST IDEA. But may I also propose: Magnus cursed from a young age (probably bc of Asmodeus) that anyone who touches him is hurt by a blast of magic he can't control. (This may result in his mother's death). He locks himself away of his own will. Alec teaches then that it's fear that makes him lash out. Featuring: touch starved Magnus.

this idea is GENIUS actually and i love it. tbh me and my friend have a similar idea that we talk to each other about (lol) but it isn't a B&B thing, its more of an adventure AU. anyway, lets go!

so in this universe i guess magnus banished asmodeus like in the original sh verse but asmodeus cursed him with the "everyone you touch will be in indescribable pain" thing. maybe just as revenge, maybe to try and use it as bargaining chip because okay magnus, is it freedom that u want? u want to be able to have ur own friends and ur own life? fine. get me back, and ill leave u alone, and ull be free to have friends again. if not, ull be still isolated just like before. so is it gonna be win-win, or lose-lose?

but magnus doesn't budge because he knows that if he lets asmodeus free things will only get worse not only for him, but for the whole world. he is too dangerous to be out there. so, magnus resigns to his fate

and i guess in this version he wouldnt have a lot of close friends because he had been with asmodeus his whole life before he was cursed, so he was just. alone in his self-imposed isolation with no one to talk to. maybe he enchants the furniture so they gain sentience but they can't really feel pain, so at least he has someone to talk to. god im so fucking sad already

so is the furniture his friends in canon? im not entirely sure how i feel about that but also the idea of ragnor as that clock from the original movie is great. thats my most important thought on the subject ngl

btw its 4 degrees Celsius in here so im typing with gloves on so ull have to excuse my typos i am a mere brazilian and i want death

anyway okay so i guess his friends are like pieces of furniture that he spelled into sentience and they aren't his servants or anything cuz that's gross but they just like, hang out. wow im actually managing to type pretty well all things considered

so at least magnus has people to talk to but he's still touch starved because you know... a clock can't hug you and that'd just be weird. maybe them becoming sentient was an accident? lmao like magnus just wanted to automate some functions like having the clock talk to tell him the time or something and it turned out that they became sentient. possibly his magic is a little fucky because of the curse so that's why that happened? or maybe he just is way more powerful than he realizes and we all know he invented the spells he used to try and automate the things anyway. but if he gets people to talk to, well, he's not complaining

im focusing too much on this. anyway. id also like to note that im making rapha the cook/stove thing because i mean, come on. it's right there

and ok i guess alec comes into this because he uhhhhhh no u know i might go with that izzy thing. so izzy ran away from home because of maryse's bullshit and alec was sent to bring her back. so he was going after her but in the middle of the path there was the whole wolf attack thing that scared off his horse and LUCKILY magnus' house/tower/whatever was right next!!! so of course they take alec and his horse in but also WHOOPS there's a huge snowstorm that lasts for days (par the course for where magnus lives, actually. he DID want somewhere people would avoid. but also i think maybe his magic being fucky has something to do with it) so i guess alec is stuck at magnus' for the foreseeable future

which is HELL for magnus because he is terrified out of his mind that they will accidentally touch and alec will be hurt. and like.... his Constant Crave For Touch is already bad on a regular day, but having someone who could actually hug him in theory just makes it worse, you know? he hasn't interacted with other human beings in so long, just having one there is enough to make his need for touch almost unbearable and just... completely constant. it's hell

so magnus is scared, which means that he keeps to himself. so he tells alec not to go into his room, he tries not to eat at the same time, and other stuff like that, bUT his friends keep sabotaging his plans because they want him to have another friend, jesus christ!! (rapha being like "come on now magnus, you don't want my soup to get cold, do you? i'll be deeply offended. i guess you have no choice but to eat with alec". so magnus goes but the first thing he does is magic his regular table into a gigantic rectangular table with 41908410 seats and seat on on the side opposite to alec. alec just sighs

so like he's constantly coming across as rude because he is trying to avoid alec, alec just doesn't know why

but alec is also a stubborn bitch who goes stir crazy and refuses to just sit around isolated doing nothing while they wait for the stupid storm to finally be over so he can go get his sister. and magnus saved his life, so it's the least he can do to repay him in some way. besides, this is what, the first time that he's been completely away from his mom? for such a long time too? and he's finding that he feels... weirdly free and just relieved and he doesn't want to waste that opportunity with standing idly around alone all day. he had enough of that at home, thank you very much

besides yeah magnus is being rude but alec is used to straight up assholes and abusers (jace. i'm talking about jace. also maryse ofc but mostly jace) and magnus is not that. in fact he makes very polite conversation and is actually pretty fun during dinner, all things considered. he's just.... super private, i guess

AND magnus' friends are all being a nightmare with the making them interact so you know. they end up interacting. and alec makes it a point to help him take care of his house because it is a certified Depression Lair™. magnus can take care of it magically but it's like... so dark and almost suffocating at times and there is stuff like bad painting and piping problems that he never bothered to fix because it isn't affecting the functionality too much but it DOES makes life harder and alec "everything must be at 100% always" lightwood is not here for it so for a few days they are working on fixing the house and... magnus actually feels a lot better when the place has actual sunlight and looks inviting and like a home, he has to admit. when he says that to alec it might be the first time he's given him a real smile and man, is alec smitten

sidenote i guess this means that magnus doesn't exactly... dress well in this au lmaoo i mean it makes sense too because canonically magnus uses dressing up as a way to convey an image of power and untouchability and he doesn't really need that in this AU since he is completely isolated. so i guess he is a bit more like twi magnus - bare-faced and wearing comfortable clothes and the like. this isn't a twi au i'm just saying that it makes more sense for him to dress like that in that context

anyway. after the whole house fixing thing, they officially become friends. it turns out that alec also knows a bit about what it's like to feel isolated and touch-starved (altho he's always had izzy to help in that department, but still) and also what crappy parents are like. magnus shows alec his little mirror that he's enchanted to be able to show him anything he wants and how he uses it to be able to see all the places in the world he'd like to visit - he loves people, he loves culture, and sometimes it's all he can do to watch what's going on in Mumbai and it makes him feel a little better, so, he does that. he also admits that sometimes he catches on some drama happening and uses the mirror to see the people involved and make sure they are okay. kinda like a soap opera of his own but he has the means to interfere and help because of magic, so he will have someone who's struggling with money suddenly find hidden cash or have an "unknown dead relative" give them a lot of money in their will, or something like that. and if he also watches some of their personal drama that unfolds, well. he is lonely and it's not hurting anyone

but magnus doesn't tell him about the curse, and he still makes sure to keep his distance. it stings a little to alec, but it hurts magnus the most because fuck, maybe he just desperately needs someone who will give him the time of day, but he likes this guy and that only makes it harder to keep his distance. he makes it a point to always be at at least two arms length from alec, which alec thankfully respects and doesn't try to get him to breach, but. shit. it's still so hard to not want to just rest his head on his shoulder or get a hug or even fucking touch pinkies like stupid children and he can't. alec even once jokingly suggests that they have a ball since magnus doesn't know how to dance and magnus is actually excited for a second before he remembers that he can't, it would have to mean that alec touches him, and he can't

someone - maybe ragnor - even suggests that maybe he could try gloves and heavy clothing so alec isn't really touching him but magnus refuses to try because he doesn't want to risk it not working and alec getting hurt, because he'd never forgive himself. besides, getting a taste would only make it hurt more. he can't. he can't

but it's alright because at least he has some human company - he loves his friends, he does, fiercely, but it's different when they kind of have no choice but to be with him and also are enchanted creatures. he doesn't even know if they aren't nice to him just because he enchanted them into life, even tho to be fair if he had a choice ragnor wouldn't be that grouchy - and alec makes him laugh and gets him and helped make his place feel more like home, a little bit. and he can pretend that he feels the warmth from alec's body when they are sitting by the fire and feed these crumbs to his desperate need for touch and company

and then the snowstorm ends and it's time for alec to go

honestly, alec himself is kind of heartbroken, but- he loves his sister, and he can't just leave her alone in god knows where, even if he dreads the thought of coming back home now that he's been away from his family for so long. but magnus doesn't want to keep him, and doesn't want alec to feel pity for him, so he's all but pushing alec out of the door (not literally, of course. he can't do that, it would mean touching him) all "go, go, you never know when another storm might start. go see your sister. take my mirror, you can find her more easy". and alec's all "but it's been the only thing-" and magnus waves him off, of course, all "i can always make myself another one. besides, you'll have something to remember me by. now go"

so.... alec goes

and hooo boy magnus is heartbroken and a mess because even tho he knew how much having someone else there helped he had almost forgotten what it was like to be the only human in the house. he just feels extra lonely and even kind of bad about it because hey, his friends are there - not that they begrudge him for it, of course. it's not like they don't also hope for the chance to get out of the house and do other things, but well. they can't. so they understand him. and they know how awful he's feeling right then, but what can they do?

meanwhile alec finds izzy pretty quickly - she's living with this one insufferable villager named clary that alec absolutely can't stand, but- she's happy. and she doesn't want to come back, which alec expected, but he finds that he can't actually insist for her to come back. how could he, when he himself doesn't want to go?

and izzy insists that he stays with her - there's no reason for him to come back. they can stay in the village, and work, and build a life for themselves. alec is the only thing she's been missing ever since she left, and in here the both of them can actually be happy. and do it together, like they're meant to

and when he first gets into the village is the first time since izzy ran away that he was hugged and fuck, it's hard to say no to her

but also... he misses magnus already

and he doesn't know if he can just stay and leave him behind

and of course izzy is like "who is magnus?" so alec tells her the story, how he was attacked by wolves and rescued by this house that miraculously was in the middle of the single most inhospitable placealec had ever seen in his life. and the kind but wary stranger who always keeps his distance but seems so eager for connection, who made alec feel welcome and laugh and feel like he built a life for himself there

and clary tells him that she's heard of the story, but she never knew it was more than a legend - no one really remembers what happened. some say that magnus made a sacrifice to rid the village of a demon, and it turned him into a beast, forever locked in his castle. some say that he himself is the demon, and it's the tower that's containing him and keeping the village safe. some even say that he died battling the demon, and it's his ghost that keeps watch on the tower

she wants alec to explain which one is true, but it's all alec can say that none of these are right and he knows nothing because magnus never told him. all alec knows is that he doesn't want to leave magnus behind

and clary is like... well, if he's not a demon or a ghost, maybe we could bring him to the village too. he has magic, right? he could bring the tower closer. and maybe the other villagers could, you know, visit him and hang out. and he wouldn't be as lonely, and then alec and izzy could both stay

driven by this failproof plan, they decide to go back to magnus and tell him their great idea

except they are IDIOTS and forget about. you know. the damn wolves

and like holy shit is this pack big or what? like no seriously why are there infinite wolves in that one singular pack in beauty and the beast. like holy shit dude there's more wolves near the beast's house than in the whole yellowstone park

anyway there are Many Wolves and while alec is a good archer, izzy is a fantastic fighter, and clary is Fucking Crazy if you give her something stabby, there's only so many wolves they can take on at the same time

good thing magnus is a pining idiot who did in fact make himself another magic mirror and was watching alec with it. so he knows that the dumbass is in trouble and for the first time in years, he uses the portal (his own invention, and he had never gotten to use it before!) to get to them and fight off the wolves

so magnus saves all their lives, at the cost of getting severely injured and passing the fuck out. izzy, who's the one closest, runs to get to him and help put him on one of their horses... and is immediately hit by a blast of magic that almost makes HER pass tf out too

which is when they finally learn that, oh. that is the curse

izzy is fine, of course - the pain ended as soon as she was away from magnus

but it does pose the problem of How The Fuck Are They Getting Him Back To Safety, because they can't exactly wait for magnus to wake up (it's freezing, for starters) but with this amount of pain it won't be physically possible for them to hoist him up and get him on the horse. shit, will the curse work on the horse?

they bring alec's horse (by far the strongest of them because alec is huge buff mcgee) and try to get him to touch magnus and the spell does NOT work on the horse because in order to be dramatic asmodeus was like "you shall never feel human touch again" when he cast the spell, which accidentally gave a LOOPHOLE for non-human animals. so magnus could have had cats the whole time, which he had always dreamed of, but he didnt want to risk testing. besides, his house would be a poor environment for a cat and [self torture noises]

anyway thats one less problem to deal with, 99 to go, so they use some ropes to hoist magnus on top of the horse and bring him back to the tower (it's closer than the village) so they can tend to his wounds. thankfully, as the assigned Big Brother of a very irresponsible izzy, alec has experience with first aid, altho he never really dealt with anything quite this bad. and magnus' friends help, too, as much as they can. inevitably this means that alec ends up touching him even if by accident sometimes, but he knows what to expect so he Powers Through It because he won't let magnus die, damn. and as horrible as that is alec has experience with powering through pain, so. he's gonna bandage him up god damn it

izzy can't stand to see him dealing with that himself tho, so she helps, and clary ends up helping as well because they figure sharing the pain makes it easier and alec doesn't have to be too hurt. minimal touching accidents for alec! good

*narrator voice* And Then Magnus Wakes Up And Alec Hugs Him

full on launches on top of him and brings him into his arms and Magnus screams like NONONO OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALEC NO GET OFF ME YOU'LL BE HURT and his shock and distress at the whole thing sends another whole blast of magic that explodes that whole mf before it can touch alec and alec feels no pain and magnus is like.............. did i just COUNTER the spell? and everyone's like well! it looks like u did!

which earns him ANOTHER hug (oh my god alec stop he's so stressed out by this) (who knew alec was so touchy?) and this time he's paying attention to that gut reaction and because magnus is a Certified Magic Genius he realizes what it is that he's doing to counter the spell and immediately starts working on a way to turn this into unhexxing himself for good

which he DOES after some time idk how long but alec stays with him meanwhile and maybe izzy and clary do too, because magnus needs all the company he can get and besides, izzy has always wanted adventure and clary has never left the village before, so this is interesting to them at least. and magnus gets to meet new ppl which is nice

eventually the Begone Spell spell is performed and it works and turns out that when it does that it also unfucks magnus' magic and perfects his sentience spell turning all of his friends into humans WOW WHOD HAVE THOUGHT. so all of them are free to leave the tower as ppl at the same time and GROUP HUG!! and magnus cries like a baby in the group hug because holy shit hes been needing something like this so bad for so long and he never expected to have that with his friends but here he is :)

and then yeah they all move to the village to live a simple but fulfilling life and Magnus and Alec start living together in a little cottage and become husbands the end <3 this is so long too rip me

[itsthemoofacewriting]

Take them, they’re yours

For Ray, the person who is very quickly becoming my partner in crime for all things SaNami related. We did a trade; I wrote this for them, and in return she drew this masterpiece from a scene in ‘amongst the trees’.

I also have to thank them their endless patience as I wrote this and teased them as the word count steadily went up and up. I’m so sorry this took so long.

Let’s play a game (points for those that thought of Saw), there’s a line in here that inspired my very rude SaNami piece I posted recently, can you find the line?

So, it’s been shown time and time again that Sanji has good kenbunshoku haki but not the full extent of it, so please excuse some of the artistic liberties I took.

Summary: If it was between his hands or Nami, it would be Nami, every time, without question. Every. Damn. Time. Rating: T

You can also find this on AO3 and FFN.  

Enjoy!

It’d all gone so wrong so quickly.

“There he is! Vinsmoke!”

Instantly Sanji felt his mood flip like a switch, from content to enraged at the use of that name.

It’d been a wonderful day. Nami had agreed to come shopping with him and Chopper. Although he had a feeling Chopper had something to do with that more than him, but that was fine- he’d soak up any attention she gave him. They’d been shopping to do all the chores, such as food shopping and medical supplies, as well as some personal shopping for her. When they’d dropped everything back at the ship, Sanji had taken the bold step to suggest extending their trip out and invited them both to a café and, much to his relief, Nami had accepted.

But all of that came crashing to a halt as one man turned into two and then three, more and more men appearing from behind trees and shrubbery, creating a circle around them.

His eyes zeroed in on the guns some of them were equipped with.

“What the hell did you call me, shithead?” His voice threatening and all attention turned to him as he took a small step forward in front of Nami, Chopper the other side of her doing the same.

As he looked over the large group, he wondered how long they’d been following them and how they’d managed to go undetected.

It was their first day here and Luffy hadn’t even made a ruckus yet, so it was strange how they knew where they were but as he eyed his surroundings, from the large group to their location it started to make sense.

There was only three of them, him, Nami and Chopper, in a tight secluded spot, far away from their ship or the rest of the crew.

This wasn’t by chance.

This was planned.

It was an ambush.

And Sanji had let it happen. Something that could’ve been prevented, quite easily, if he’d been paying attention to his surroundings, instead of the gorgeous woman behind him.  

His question was ignored as, what he presumed was the leader, took a step forward and called out, “Take him alive, we can get more money for him that way.”

They weren’t marines or CP9, they didn’t care if he was dead or alive. It looked like they bounty hunters and he knew what they were thinking; he was a prince; he came from wealth and power. Something these people would be able to attain through him.

But they clearly didn’t know anything. Didn’t know that his family would happily see him die before handing over money or technology for his life and it was why he hated that poster so much. There were assumptions that came with his birthname and no matter how notorious he became in his own right he’d never be able to escape them.

“Take the woman too,” one of them added.

And that very title had dragged Nami into his mess.

Again.

“Chopper, take Nami back to the ship.” He wasn’t sure if Chopper was depressed at being overlooked, he was too busy staring the leader down.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you,” Nami said firmly, tone suggesting there was no room for discussion.

He wondered if she was thinking about Capone’s back on Zou. She hadn’t wanted to leave him then either, but she hadn’t had a choice back then. Now she had a choice, and from her rigid posture and frown, it was clear she wouldn’t be moving. The irony was that they only needed Brook and it’d be a reunion.

“Call the others, we found them!”

At least they weren’t being taken lightly, but that still wasn’t good. It was hard to believe there were even more of them considering the size of the group already.

“Chopper, go to the ship, get whoever’s on board.” The words felt bitter coming from his mouth, but it was no secret they were vastly outnumbered and if they managed to get their grubby hands on Nami, he’d have no choice but to surrender instantly.

Chopper looked like he wanted to argue, stand his ground just like Nami had, but he must’ve done the math; knew they’d come out of this better if there were more of them.

“I’ll be back!” He called, changing into his walking point and sprung between the men with ease, dodging their attempts to stop him.

They didn’t follow after him though, so at least that was one less person to worry about.

“Nami-san, do you have your climatact?” They were back-to-back now, and he chanced a glance over his shoulder to look at her, she looked fierce and determined.

“Of course.” Her hand disappeared down the front of her dress and he quickly averted his gaze because he really didn’t need that sort of distraction right now. He had to be on his game, because as much as he trusted Nami’s strength, he was still responsible for her.

A tension settled over the tiny clearing with both parties hesitant to make the first move, sizing up the other with a critical gaze. It finally shattered when a branch in the woods snapped, and it had the effect of a gunshot through the quiet clearing.

They’d been outnumbered plenty of times before, so they sprung into action just like they had in the past.

A glance over at Nami as he spun to kick someone in the face, and she was more than holding her own. It was a hard trying not to become distracted by her as they fought. She moved with such grace, body in total coordination whilst she twirled the baton between her hands, timing meticulous as the climatact extended and retracted to do the most damage.

But ultimately that was the issue.

Whilst they may have done this in the past, they did it under very different circumstances. They weren’t contained in such a tight space, with only the two of them and the opposition desperate to get one of them to the floor as they were now.

They could only keep them at bay, push them away before someone else was on them trying to pin them down.

There was too many of them to be able to fully take them down without the risk of being overwhelmed.

A quick scan told him they needed to do crowd control and do it now. He couldn’t take off into the air like he normally would, it’d leave Nami on the ground by herself and a flurry of kicks would be reckless in a tight space. If he hit her, even by accident, he’d never be able to forgive himself.

There was no thought process as he flipped into a handstand, moving away from Nami, and spinning on his hands. He ignored the grit and sharp pieces from the floor digging into his hands and instead focused on the people before him. They’d be up after a while, the move not doing enough damage to keep them down, but it’d be enough to buy him and Nami time and stop them being swamped.

Ultimately, his only goal was keeping her safe and their grubby hands off of her.

And it seemed her goal was similar to his. He knew it wasn’t for the same reason as his, but it made him feel warm at least that she cared for him that much.

With their similar goals, they were doing well at containment, even as Sanji moved slightly further away hoping to do a bit more damage without the risk of hitting her.

But all of that came abruptly crashing down.

In the heat of battle, his haki was better, he could sense the people around him and just about anticipate their moves, which was handy, and it guided him on where he needed to be. Right now though, it was heavily focused on Nami so he could get a feel for how she was doing without having to take his eyes off his opponents. She was focused and slightly anxious, but that was to be expected and he couldn’t sense any panic, so he trusted she was alright.

However, the feeling that came next had ice settling over his heart. Someone close reeked of ill intentions, repugnant thoughts almost brimming over, and that was saying something considering the group were all bounty hunters. But this was different from the rest of them, this individual was backhanded, immoral, a mixture of utter glee and vile motive.

It was that combination he didn’t like.

For the first time since developing his haki, he could make out a shadowy outline and it was over as quickly as it came on but there was no forgetting it, it was like he’d had a front row seat to a horror show. It’d been a shadow of a woman being shot from behind, her figure falling in slow motion to a heaped pile on the floor.

Despite it just being a shadow, there was no mistaking it, the woman from his vision was Nami. He’d know her presence anywhere.

It made him feel sick, but he didn’t linger on the image, instead he sent a forceful kick to the man in front of him and did a U-turn, charging towards her before he could think about what he was doing.

The voice in the back of his mind was chanting that he would be too late, be too slow and would be picking her body up from the floor before he could do anything. The people around him were forgotten in his single-minded devotion to get to her, shoving them out the way as he pushed any doubt out of his mind.

By hook or by crook, he would get there in time.

It wasn’t the heroic, princely move that he wanted or ever envisioned doing, but desperate times called for desperate measures as he hurled himself at her, outstretched arms curling around her and knocking her off her feet. The distinct sound of a gun firing went off as they started to fall to the floor, but it was okay, because he’d made it in time.

He spun them just in time that he ended up taking the brunt and they skidded on the ground, Nami clutched to him. His arm hurt and his back burned, his jacket no doubt shredded but the woman scrambling to get off of him was all worth it.

She was out of his arms and at his side, looking down at him with a frown. “Sanji, what are you- are you bleeding?!”

Her frown was gone, in place panic and when he looked down, he was greeted with a bloody arm. It twinged when he moved it but from what he could see, it was a graze.

It at least explained why his arm hurt.

Luckily the chaos bought them some time as the bounty hunters argued amongst themselves about the use of the gun that almost damaged their pay-check.

Just a shame it wasn’t all of them that were distracted.

He pushed up on that arm, ignoring the pain that flared from the wound in distress, and kicked one of the men that got too close to Nami. He shucked off his ruined jacket and threw it at another group starting to get too close and it gave him and Nami the time to get back on their feet.

But it wasn’t working like it was before, no matter how much they both pushed back, it felt like all of a sudden, the tables had turned. Where they’d been holding them back before they were now overwhelmed, barely keeping up with the punches. The distance they’d been able to establish was gone as the men crowded in and it was relentless.

He was being reckless, he knew he was, as he threw himself around with very little regard for himself, but he’d be damned if what he saw came to life. He didn’t care what happened to himself and at the end of the day, what was a scratch or bruised rib if it meant a healthy Nami.

His recklessness soon cost him when he fell to the floor a second time, but not of his own free will this time. Someone had taken him by surprise with the end of their gun and as his brain rattled, he knew that hit held the intention of trying to knock him out.

His head throbbed at him, almost begging him to stay down, but if he went down, it would only be Nami left, and he couldn’t leave her. With that thought in mind, he swept out his leg, knocking the other man to the floor before he could get in a hit that actually did finish him. He fought through the way his vision blurred and how the world wouldn’t stop moving as he stood to his feet.

“Sanji-kun! Are you okay?” She grunted; voice strained as she pushed someone back with her climatact and swung it around to hit someone else, unable to spare a moment to really look at him.

Nami was doing the best she could to cover him whilst he recovered but the group were getting frustrated by him and Nami’s resilience, it was clear as day in the way their moves were turning desperate and more vicious by the second. The earlier words of taking him alive seemed to be slipping from their minds, which worried him because so far, their gun use has been severely limited but if that changed…

“As long as you are, I am,” he replied, getting to his feet and at this point it was pure adrenaline keeping him up.

“Then think about what you’re doing!” She barked, smacking someone around the head.

From there on, the fighting had shifted. It’d turned into a free for all and Sanji silently willed Chopper to reappear because he was aware of the ticking clock working against them now. If the rest of the bounty hunters group showed up, they’d be done for.  

Now, Sanji knew the score amongst the seas, he knew pirates, marines, bounty hunters had no honour, it wasn’t something to be expected from others, regardless how he felt about it.

But when he caught a flash of silver glinting at him from the corner of his eye, he felt his blood heat. If he thought he was angry before this, it was nothing compared to the man raising his knife on an unsuspecting Nami and he was flipping onto his hands to get in between them.

It was his sloppiness that put himself in this position. A position where he hadn’t been quick enough to position himself and in a last-ditch attempt, he found himself catching the man’s arms before he could bring the knife down on Nami’s back.

For the first time since Enies Lobby, he’d been forced to fight with his hands.

He’d dealt with enough squirming ingredients in his lifetime to have a firm grip, but the last thing he’d expected was for the man’s arms to slip straight through his hands like butter, along with the knife.

He hissed and recoiled in pain as he felt it slowly slice through the skin, his hand throbbing at him. It felt like it’d happened in slow motion, and he didn’t need to look down to know it was bleeding- he could feel it.

He hadn’t for one second expected a devil fruit and that was on him.

The man smirked nastily, proud of getting the better of him and what he wouldn’t do to plant his foot in the man’s face, but Nami’s voice behind interrupted, “Sanji, duck.”

He did so without hesitation, dropping to the ground and watched as Nami’s climatact stabbed the man in the face before twirling it between her hands to knock down anyone close enough.

He felt proud watching the damage she did until she turned her gaze on him and that vanished because of the look on her face. For the first time, he couldn’t read it. She looked pale and for a split second he was worried she was hurt until he watched her eyes flick from his face to focus on his hands.

He’d only caught a quick look at his hands but that was bad enough.

He flipped onto his hands, burying his bloodied palm into the dirt, to kick the man trying to sneak up behind Nami. If he thought his arm hurt, it was nothing compared to the heat flaring angrily from his palm. Grit burying itself in all the cuts on his palms, large or small, but he ignored that in favour of flipping and throwing himself back into the fray.

He couldn’t let up for even a second.

Although he didn’t want to entertain the thought, he was tired, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he was going to last. Everything was working against him, his head still throbbed, his arm and hands both competing for which would burn stronger, and he couldn’t remember how it happened, but his ribs had begun to protest.

But he wouldn’t give until Nami was safe, that was why he wouldn’t entertain any thoughts of stopping. He couldn’t and wouldn’t until he could ensure her safety and that’s what kept him going.  

It could have been a minute or an hour but the distant sound of ‘oni giri’ had relief flooding through him, for once happy to hear Marimo’s voice and his body gave up, right then and there. He slumped to the floor against his will; he was tired, his head was killing him, and his hands burned. From the cut to the dirt in the cut and everything in-between that’d made itself at home in the skin of his palms.

“Sanji-kun!” Nami’s distressed voice called out to him.

The last thing he saw was the stunning, unharmed, face of Nami, crouched over him, calling his name.

That was a good way to go down, in his opinion.

“Sanji!”

.

.

.

His head throbbed as he came to, and he groaned when he touched his forehead. Everything hurt. His head, hand, and arm. His hands. He tried to sit up, but his ribs protested, and he mentally added his body to the list.

An ambush. Just him and Nami. Someone trying to shoot her.

It all came flooding back and headache be damned, he opened his eyes to scan his surroundings. He instantly recognised Chopper’s medical room, so he could relax a bit but then his eyes caught the flash of orange beside him.

Nami.

She was facing away from him but from what he could glean she looked okay, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

The movement caught her attention and she turned to face him. She still looked fine, but he had to ask, “Are you hurt?”

“You’re seriously asking me that right now?” Her voice filled with disbelief.

He didn’t respond, continuing to stare up at her, waiting for her answer.

She shook her head. “I’m fine. How are you feeling?”

“As long as you’re fine, then I’m fine,” he parroted his earlier words, and it was true. The ache in his head worth it all to see her well. She didn’t look like she believed him and snorted, turning back around to grab more things.

As happy as he was that she was there, he’d been expecting Chopper flitting around him instead. “Where’s Chopper?”

“He’s dealing with the other idiots,” she said, sitting on the chair next to the bed.

“Chopper checked you over before going. You’ve got a minor concussion, we haven’t scrambled your brain yet.” Her lips curved up and she added, “Well, no more than normal.”

“Being around you scrambles my brain.”

“Which is normal,” she teased, grinning at him.

He laughed lightly but his ribs still protested angrily. He didn’t manage to smother the grimace in time and the smile slipped off her face as she turned to the side, gathering the supplies she’d need.

“We can deal with that later,” he said frowning, slowly sitting up and building momentum to get off the bed. “They put themselves out, the least I can do is make sure they’re fed.”

“You’re not leaving this bed!” Nami snapped, hand on his shoulder pushing him down.

He’d wanted to hear that from her mouth for as long as he’d known her, and he’d store that sentence away for later, but it was hard to be happy about it when her words were paired with the firm set of her mouth and furrowed eyebrows.

She was upset.

He’d upset her.

He laid back without any further resistance and the stiffness from her shoulders relaxed. He didn’t say anything else as she sat down on the chair next to the bed, her hands reaching for his.

“I haven’t seen you spin on your hands in ages,” Nami said, her thumb brushing over the pulse at his wrist to avoid any of the small injuries to his hand. “I can see why now.”

There were two bowels on the bed, and it wasn’t rocket science to realise what they were for. One was filled with water and the other empty bar a pair of tweezers.

She moved one of the bowels closer to them and cupped his hands. “Deep breath,” she told him and then dunked his hands into the bowel filled with water.

It stung, the water working its way into all of the cuts, but he didn’t complain. He wouldn’t, because she was safe, and this was the most she’d ever touched him, and it was so gentle. She held his hands in the water a second longer before lifting them out and onto a towel.

The, now murky, water filled bowel was moved onto the bedside table and the other bowel moved closer. She picked up the pair of tweezers with one hand and cupped one of his hands with the other. Her touch was delicate, and his hand went limp under her touch, letting her move it into the position she wanted.

With his palm facing the ceiling, she worked on getting all the various pieces lodged into his skin out. She was clinical in her movements, methodical as she moved over the skin, but she was gentle about it. She tried her best to do so without having to dig, but some of it was unavoidable.

For all her professionalism, once she’d pried a piece out the thumb from her free hand would rub a little circle into the side of his hand. He wasn’t sure if she was soothing herself or him, but it made him smile and goosebumps erupted over his arms.

With Nami focused on his hands, he had the luxury of looking over her face. Her face the picture of concentration, from the pinched lips to her furrowed eyebrows. Beneath the focus, she looked tired, but there wasn’t a single scratch on her face, and he was proud of that. Come tomorrow, she’d be back to her smiling self.

She moved onto the second hand, placing the first down onto the towel, and although she’d been doing it a while now, she was still just as doting and attentive to the other hand.

Brown eyes met his, finally acknowledging his staring and her hands stilled their work. “What?”

“My own personal nurse,” he joked, hoping to make her smile.

“Don’t imagine me as a nurse! We don’t need to add blood loss to the list of problems!” She scolded, lips pulling slightly at his antics but not what he’d been aiming for as they lapsed back into silence, and she continued with his other hand.

He hadn’t let himself look down at his hands before now, mainly because he didn’t need the distraction at the time but because it wouldn’t really make a difference how they looked. They looked like they’d been through the ringer though. Far worse than when he’d first learned to cook, where his fingers had been constantly burned or cuts had littered his fingers and palms from inexperience. Stains of dirt still remained in patches where it had resisted the first wash, and it clung to all the little openings from where anything sharp had been buried. All those openings were angry and red, some bleeding a little from where they’d been pulled about to get the bits of debris out.

Then there was the large cut spanning his left palm.

If the small cuts were angry, then that was furious, from the raw skin to the dried blood on his skin that would need a few more persuasive washes before coming out clean. It was long and deep, but he didn’t dare flex his hand to see just how deep it went into his palm. Thankfully it’d stopped bleeding but, in its place, it oozed instead.

That wouldn’t heal quickly.

But as he looked at his hands, he didn’t feel any strong emotion. He felt neutral. He wasn’t happy of course, but there wasn’t an ounce of regret. He’d do it again a million times over just to see Nami unharmed.

And he realised right then, if it was between his hands or Nami, it would be her every time. No questions asked, no hesitation.

It felt like it should be a huge earth-shattering moment, where the axis suddenly shifted, and all the pieces aligned into a moment of pure epiphany, because he’d said all his life how important and sacred his hands were. Yet it felt very matter of fact, like it just made sense and had never been any different. Sanji supposed, it never had been any different. Not for a long time at least.

“Look at your hands,” Nami mourned, face drawn and thumb focusing on cautiously tracing alongside the wound.

She’d said it so quietly he wondered if it was meant to be said to herself only. She was beautiful no matter what, but he hated that look on her face and he hated that he was the cause of it.

His uncut hand lightly gripped her hand. “I’d do it again.” He would, in a heartbeat. His gut flaring the exact same way it had just this morning.

“Don’t.” She looked at him sharply. “I don’t want you to.”

He knew what she wanted him to say, what she expected him to say because she’d known him for so long. But on this occasion-

“No.”

He’d never refused her before in all the time of knowing her. He’d always catered to her whims or discussed anything they’d disagreed on, coming to a mutual agreement before moving on. He’d never refused her so outright, so firmly and he would not budge on it. He refused to.

But as adamant as he felt about it, she looked just as equally defiant based on the tight expression she was giving him.

“Look at your hands,” she said sternly and held his hands up as if he’d see them clearer that way, “These are your dreams, your life, your everything. Don’t expect me to sit here and agree as you recklessly throw it away.”

Although he wasn’t shocked about his new revelation regarding his hands, it was still a revelation all the same and he found himself disagreeing with what she’d said. She was worth it all, it wasn’t reckless when it concerned her.

The next thought was at the tip of his tongue, threatening to bubble over past his lips but he hesitated. He knew what he was about to say would spook her, make her skittish and knew that his feelings for her weren’t returned- and that was okay, he just wanted to be around her, in whatever way he could.

Ultimately, he threw caution to the wind because when did he ever not give his all to everything he did?

“A life without you in it isn’t worth living.” And he meant it, with every fibre of his being. It’d be hollow without her smile, her laugh, her everything, brightening up his day. His dream of all blue was grey without the smart, caring and sassy navigator at his side, regardless of whether she returned his feelings.

“You���re being dramatic.” She didn’t sound sure; she didn’t look sure. He’d surprised her, he realised after a second, with such a sweeping statement. And it was warring with her anger over his refusal just seconds before.

“I’m not,” he said firmly, trying to get the message across.

“Don’t pretend you wouldn’t do it for anyone else in this crew.” She was deflecting.

She had him there though. The same gut instinct flared up. “You’re right.”

But the feeling was different. They were his family; he’d do anything for them but her. Her. Nami. The sun rose and set with her. She was the first thing he thought about and the last at the end of the day. Her happiness was his happiness.

“But it’s different with you,” he continued, adamant.  

This was the last thing he’d expected when he’d woken up and perhaps now wasn’t the best time to be doing this. He still had a concussion, and they were currently mid disagreement (he wouldn’t call it an argument) but he didn’t want the moment to pass. He didn’t want to try again later, to try and regain the moment they were currently in.

“Don’t change the subject.” She wouldn’t make eye contact, but she was still holding his hands.

“I’m not, it’s all relevant,” he insisted, and it was. He needed her to see that. This wasn’t something he just did on a whim.

It was silent as they stared each other down, willing the other to give. Well, Nami was actually glaring at him, which he could understand but he wasn’t giving in on this. He just couldn’t, it went against everything he felt so strongly about, but it still made his stomach twist uncomfortably.

The door to the med bay creaked open, breaking the stalemate as Chopper poked his head through. He hesitated at the door when he picked up on the odd tension. Sanji was just about to ask for ten more minutes because they were nowhere near done but Nami stood, his hands falling from her grasp onto the bed.

“Nami-san,” Sanji called after her, a battered hand feebly stretched out.

“He’s all yours,” she said to Chopper as she passed him.

She didn’t look back as she left, the door closing behind her.

.

.

.

Nami wasn’t speaking to him.

She was also actively avoiding him since the med bay and that had been yesterday. He wasn’t sure if it was because of their disagreement (not argument) or because in a roundabout way he’d confessed and made her uncomfortable.

He may regret the timing of the confession, no matter how right it had felt, but he didn’t regret their disagreement, not then and not now, even as Nami quickly left the kitchen without looking at him.

It stung a bit though.

Her reaction confused him though, he was expected to be yelled at or hit instead of silence, but he’d give her the space she clearly wanted for the rest of the day and then smooth it over tomorrow. Who knows, maybe he’d get that reaction tomorrow. He just hated the tension between them and the confused looks he kept receiving from the rest of the crew.

For now, he was looking down at a bowel of hot water and a pile of dishes that needed washing up. Chopper hadn’t mentioned about getting his stiches wet, but he figured he could always get the dressing covering his stiches wrapped again afterwards. Someone else in the crew would do the dishes, he knew that, but they’d already bailed him out once and the stiches would be in for at least a week, he should be able to do this himself. Dinner hadn’t been too bad, the hand with stitches twinged slightly and his arm where a bullet had skimmed had protested when he lifted it above his head, but he was no whiner.

So he cracked on, picking up the first plate and sponge to wash it with.

“Put down the plate,” a steely voice said from behind him.

Nami stood in the doorway, a vision of loveliness as she glowered at him with her hands on her hips.

She strode in, pushing the door closed behind her. “I saw everyone come out of the kitchen and I knew what you were doing, you big idiot.”

She snatched the towel of his shoulder and threw it onto the counter next to them when she reached him, eyes fiery and although he was taller than her, he’d never felt smaller in front of her.

Shit, he wasn’t ready for this, he thought as his palms started to sweat. Sure, he’d planned on talking to her tomorrow, but that was tomorrow, he would have had time to think it through before then.  

“Did you mean it?” She asked, her tone neutral now and that only made him feel more on edge, that any wrong answer would have him toppling off the deep end.  

He didn’t know what part of their conversation yesterday she was referring to, but there was no part he’d take back, even if it did make her angrier.

“Every word,” he said with surety, jaw set and staring into her eyes, trying to match his words so she understood.

She sighed deeply and he was bracing himself because that couldn’t be good.  

“I’m still upset about this.” Her fingers tentatively grazed his bandaged hand and if they didn’t break plates as quickly as he knew they did, he would have dropped it then and there just to take her hand.

Instead, he put the plate down on the side, resting the sponge on top and he was going to gather her in his arms to hug her because he hated that he’d upset her, but she took his hands, stopping him in his tracks.

It was quiet as she looked down at his hands, palms facing upward so his cuts and bandage was on full display. It was a much better sight than yesterday; the rawness had faded, and the gruesome display of his wound hidden behind white cloth.

He was jarred from his observations when she let go of one of his hands and instead used it to trace along the bandage, fingers light as it travelled along his hand, retracing the length of the cut and although it may be hidden by a bandage, it might as well have not been by how accurately her fingers moved along it.  

“I’m angry that you’d throw this all away,” she said lightly, voice even and it didn’t match her words. Her fingers stopped their journey to cup his hand as if to make her point and he didn’t need her to explain what she meant.

He didn’t want to argue but the way he felt still hadn’t changed. “Nami-”

“I’m not finished talking!” She snapped and his mouth shut without another word.

“I’m angry that you don’t trust me.”

Oh God, no. That was never what this was about, and he hadn’t even contemplated how she might think that. He didn’t care whether she was done talking or not, he was ready to shut that down but then her next words stole the breath from his lungs.

“But mostly, I’m angry that after all this time you don’t value yourself. Everything we’ve been through, and you still throw yourself in as if it means nothing.” Her eyes seared into his and like a coward he turned to the floor, unable to bear the brunt of that look.

His previous life might be well behind him now, but he couldn’t just switch off all the things that’d been said to him in his youth. It made it hard to believe that someone could care about him, care about his life to that extent. But it wasn’t an excuse; he knew that, and he knew the people on this ship felt very differently about him but that didn’t stop the thoughts in his head sometimes.

Another reason came to mind, but it made his chest constrict painfully, like he couldn’t breathe, and he always desperately tried not to think about it for too long for that very reason. It was the death of his mother. It hurt, it ached, and it haunted him in the quiet moments when it was just him and his memories. How he’d been helpless, unable to do anything as he lost her, and he wouldn’t see it happen again. Didn’t want to see it happen again, not if he could help it. The thought of losing someone precious whilst he lived on would be unbearable to live through again.

Both tied so deeply into one another, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to pry them apart and let them go.  

She gripped his hand, trying to get his attention from his thoughts and staring match with the floor but the best he could do was look at their joined hands.

“I don’t want to lose you,” she said it softly, but it was so loud in the quiet kitchen.

“And I don’t want to lose you,” he said earnestly, his free hand coming to rest on top of hers, to feel the warmth on her skin because his chest tightened at the thought of her not being around.

She considered him for a second and he wondered if this was the start of another disagreement before she delivered, “The way you feel about me getting hurt, why do you think it’s any different when it’s you?”

The way he felt about her…

Oh.

And just like that, the tables had turned. He looked at her face, scanning, searching for the answer to a question he hadn’t yet verbalised whereas she wouldn’t look at him, resolutely looking down at their joined hands.

Her bashfulness gave him the courage to ask.

“You mean…?”

He was met with silence but that didn’t dishearten him, his heart felt as if it was going to burst through his chest at any moment, as hope foolishly blossomed in his lungs because surely, she didn’t feel the exact same way as he did. Surely not. Not for him.

“You’re an idiot,” she said, frowning and his heart sunk.

“But I’m the idiot that wants you.”

He’d imagined this moment so many times, played this over and over in his daydreams but it didn’t hold a candle to the actual moment. He was speechless and his heart was doing summersaults from the roll coaster ride it had been on in the last minute. He still wondered if he was asleep, if he would wake up any second to the cruel reality it was in his imagination again.

“I expected more enthusiasm,” Nami said dryly, smirking and she was back to looking him in the eye.

“I just…” ‘didn’t expect it. Ever.’ Is what he wanted to say but she had, and he didn’t want to tar the moment with his insecurities. Although someone would need to pinch him later.

“I know you’re not going to give on your recklessness, it’s partially why I was so angry, but just so you know Black Leg Sanji this is a two-way street-” she leaned in, eyes alight with confidence- “and I’ll be fighting just as hard for you.

She wouldn’t need to, he’d make sure he was more than enough for the both of them, but her words made him smile, made him feel delirious and the nasty thoughts at the back of his mind were quiet for once.

But there was something he had to clear up first.

“Nami-san, I’ve never thought you were weak. Never thought you weren’t capable. You’ve proven time and time again you can protect yourself, but if I can prevent you getting hurt, I’m going to.”

She breathed heavily through her nose but smiled softly. “All I ask, is that you at least consider your hands when doing stupid things.”

“I’ll do my best.”

She laughed, short and sharp. “That’s the most I’m going to get from you, so stop messing around and kiss me already.”

He gaped at her like a fool, he’d expected so much more than this, more arguing, more talking, more back and forth. That internal dialogue came to a screeching halt when Nami, bored of his staring, grabbed the lapels of his jacket and brought him into a searing kiss.

Fireworks, sirens, alarms were all going off in his head as he scrambled to catch up, but she was persistent, lips coaxing and hands tightening on the lapels, urging him along. All of those noises faded away into bliss when he reciprocated in kind, seizing the moment he’d waited so long for.

For the first time since it’d been wrapped on his hand, he cursed the bandage that was denying him feeling the soft skin of her arm. That was pushed to the back of his mind when she pulled on his jacket, pressing them closer together and his hands moved to her back to diminish any space left between them. At least his fingers could enjoy the delicate skin of her back exposed from the halter top she wore.

They pulled apart, breathing heavily and he was trying his best to take in her face.

“What a poorly timed confession,” she teased, lips brushing against his as she spoke.

“I know.” He cringed, she deserved so much more than this.

“I expect you to make it up to me.” Her lips curved upward.

“For as long as you’ll let me.”

Her eyes crinkled and the teasing expression was gone, replaced with softness. “Good answer.”

The next kiss was slow, and he was ready for it this time as he put his all into it. Lips caressing, heads tilting to find the right angle and they soon found their rhythm. Daringly he brushed his tongue along the seam of her lips and their tongues brushed when she parted her lips. As much as he liked their first kiss, the second was his favourite as he got to take his time as he tasted her and listened to the little breathy noises she made.

He looked forward to having more favourites with her.

“Seeing as I can’t get my stitches wet, maybe you’ll help me in the shower,” he muttered when they pulled apart briefly.

She leaned up on her toes and he had expected her to kiss him again, she was so close he could almost taste her on his lips when she whispered, “Ask Zoro to wash your back.”

That threw cold water on the mood and the image that popped into his head was enough to make a nasty shiver slither down his spine. “That’s not funny, Nami-san.”

Nami laughed, eyes crinkling and face lighting up at the displeased look on his face and as horrified as he was with her suggestion, it was the look on her face he adored seeing.

“I’m sure something can be arranged,” she said once her giggling had resided.

He leaned down to kiss her again, but she took a step away, swiftly dodging arms that tried to drag her back in. When he went to follow her, his world went black as she threw the tea towel on his head.

“Come on, I’ll wash, you dry.���

Yeah, he regretted nothing. He’d do it a hundred times over again now and in the future, just so he could have this with her.

-----------------------------------

Listen, I just love the way Sanji feels about Nami, and I channelled all of that into this. He adores her, she’s the one for him, he’s her number one cheerleader. I HAVE SO MANY FEELS.

I have a head canon that Sanji stopped doing those kicking handstands because he’d get scratches and splinters in his hands afterwards and that defeated the purpose of fighting with his legs (even if I think they do look super cool!). I’m sure the manga will prove me wrong, but I can’t recall him doing it since pre time skip.

Just in case you didn’t read my other (filth) fic, Ray started a SaNami discord group, it’s a chill place to chat and share your love for this pairing. If you’d like to join, message me on here or Twitter and I’ll send you the link (Please make sure I can message you back!). Feel free to join, the more the merrier!

As always, please excuse any errors.

Thank you to Ray for this lovely trade and to everyone for reading.  

[younghosfavewhore]

mine forever . 1:27am

part 1 [a]   /  part 2 [s]

wc; 1.5k

plot; nctjohnny!boyfriend x femreader!girlfriend

the members of nct have been stirred up in dating rumors and scandals for the past month. when pictures of johnny meeting with a childhood friend begin to float around, you must remind johhny that he’s yours. forever.

prompts; [a]6 “She was nothing to you, was she? Then prove it.”  [a]20 “People talk- people will always talk...” 

warnings; (mentions of TAEYONG’s injury) fluff?!, jealous reader, angsty!!!

My eyes skim over the articles. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. The headlines seemed to drag on forever, “Johnny Suh; NCT’s 5th member involved in Dating Scandal”. Another read, “NCT Johnny Caught with Foreigner; Photos Below” 

photos?

I couldn’t resist clicking the link that my cursor hovered over. The full article was now displayed onto my screen. The pictures loaded for a second, then they were displayed before me. And there it was, Johnny Suh -my Johnny Suh- at a cafe with a blonde-haired foreigner. I continued scrolling, which was probably a mistake, but I was in shock. Certainly they were doctored by some vengeful sasaeng. Another link pops onto my screen, “NCT Johnny Suh has Foreign Girlfriend? VIDEO FOOTAGE”

you’re fucking kidding me. 

A notification sound blares from my phone, the sixth one in the past half hour. I haven’t even picked up my phone, I know what the notifications are. There was no doubt in my mind that it was Johnny texting me a sad excuse for the video that’s now playing on a loop on my screen. I recognized her. Her blonde hair and small frame. It was his high school sweetheart; Madison. In the video -which was only about 8 seconds long- you could see him embrace her. They stood at the cafe table, drinks in hand, about to depart. Johnny’s long arms then spread out, welcoming her into a hug. He initiated it. Even in front of all these people, all these cameras. He hugged her. He knew exactly what he was doing. Another notification sound blared through my phone speaker. Why did this make me feel so threatened? So weak? I pick up my phone <6 unread texts from johnny❤> I open the messages, taking a deep breath as I do so.

johnny❤: baby?

    y/n? text me when you get this.

    ik you see my texts

    i know you’re upset please just text me

    i can explain, i promise…

    im omw to the hotel, we’ll talk when i get there, ok?

My eyes widen at the last text. Why was he on his way here? What made him think that I wanted to see him?

me: dont bother, i dont think i want to see you rn

I send the text with tears welling in my eyes. I was just beginning to fully wrap my head around the events that unfolded before me.

*ding* <1 new text from johnny❤>

johnny❤: please, y/n

  you know me better than anyone, don’t believe these rumors, y/n

Me: i saw the pictures johnny… and the video. what excuse could you have?

My head began to spin, no way did he think I was going to fall for his pity story.

johnny❤: this is why we’ll talk in person

  i have a lot of explaining to do, i know. just listen to me please

  i’m only 2 minutes away, ill explain everything i promise

Take a deep breath. I think to myself, convincing myself that maybe he would have a good excuse. After all, it's Johnny. Would he ever do anything to hurt me? I struggled to gain composure as I heard a familiar knock on the door. The lock clicked and the door crept open. I stood in the living room of the homey suite. 

“y/n..” Johnny’s voice breaks the silence. He peeks from behind the door.

My eyes meet his and I feel faint. What’s going to happen? I ask myself, not knowing the right answer as hundreds of thoughts fill my head.

He continues inside, closing the door softly behind him. He takes slow strides in my direction, and that’s when the tears well in my eyes. Why? I’m not sure, I’ve always been one to get overwhelmed easily, but this was new. His hand reaches out to take mine and I flinch away. The images of him taking another girl into his arms flashing in my head. 

“Why her? How--” My voice breaks and the tears finally fall from my eyes.

“It’s not at all what you think it is, baby.” His voice was soft and genuine. Almost desperate. 

“Then what is it? Huh?” My voice changed from calm to angry. I took a deep breath in an attempt to try to calm myself back down and I back farther away from him. “I... I was patient. I knew this would happen. I was understanding of the rumors, the lies. But this? These pictures? These videos?” I began to lose my cool. “How could you possibly explain this?” Anger was tainting my words, what was I saying? “If you want to be with her then just say that.” I spit the words out.

Johnny looks taken aback, rightfully so. “It’s not like that.”

“Then what is it, Johnny?!” I shouted, menacingly. “It isn’t adding up.” I plead as my voice cracks. “Please, just fucking explain yourself.”

He walks towards me again, I don’t have the energy to fight him anymore. He takes my hand and places a light kiss on it.

“I know you’re confused. I know you’re angry.” He doesn’t take his eyes off of mine. “People talk. In this industry, people talk so fucking much.” His tone was so gentle; he was hurt but still so gentle with me. “People will always talk, okay, y/n?”

I nod, tears streaming down my face at this point. 

“I’m in the wrong here. You saw the videos, I know, but there’s more to it than that.” He sits me down next to him on the couch.

“I just don’t understand.” My voice trembles. “With the other members, Doyoung, Mark, it was just gossip, easily dismissed. But…” My voice trails off.

“I know.” He sighs and pulls me close to him. “Those pictures were taken completely out of context.” where is he going with this? “Yes, it was Madison. And I’m sorry for meeting up with her without telling you, especially with everything that’s been going on…” He traced his fingers in small circles along my back, something he often did when he needed to calm me down. He sighs and pulls me closer to him, we sit in silence for a bit before he continues. “As you know, Taeyong… His injury?”

I nod my head against his chest. “I know…” I whisper in response. what does that have to do with anything?

“Well… Madison, when I met with her at the cafe,” He paused, awaiting a reaction but I didn’t give one. I wanted to hear him out. He continues, “She moved here a few months ago. It has nothing to do with me, or NCT as a whole.” He disclaims. “She’s studying abroad here for a journalist internship. She’s-”

“Get to the point,” I whisper, barely being able to hear him ramble on about her.

He places a kiss on the top of my head. “Everyone knew about Yong’s injury; the managers, the staff, even the stage crew noticed it.” I wince a bit at the thought of Taeyong having to deal with this kind of injury. “You were busy with studies and I didn’t want you worrying about me or the boys. I vented to Madison about it. She explained that she had ties to news sources that could have exposed SM for overworking him. So…” He sighs, “She threatened SM. Unless they gave us all a break or hiatus, she threatened to report it to national broadcasting stations.”

“Wait-” I interrupt him, the puzzle pieces finally fitting together in my head. 

“Let me finish.” He cuts me off in return. “I wanted to treat her to coffee while she was still in town, as a thank you. Nothing more. Because of her, me and the boys were able to finally get a break and Taeyong is finally getting rest.” He explains.

im such a fucking idiot, i think to myself.

I was speechless, how could I have been this stupid. I finally built up the courage to look up at him; his eyes scanning my face for a reaction. 

“I’m sorry.” It’s all I can mutter out in my state of embarrassment. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s ok. I promised to be transparent about this stuff and instead I hid it from you. I’m in the wrong too. I’m sorry.” He replies, softly. His hands trailed up and down my back.

I look into his eyes again, begging for forgiveness without saying a single word. He got the hint and leaned in to press a soft peck to my lips. 

“I love you,” I said, my lips brushing against his as our foreheads rested on each other.

He smiles before kissing me back. “I love you, too.”

“So, she means nothing?” The sudden, whispered, inquiry was cold in the quiet air.

There was a pause, a moment that I nearly regretted asking.

“She means nothing.” He said, his voice was gruff and direct.

“Then prove it.” The words rolled off my tongue, and before I had time to think, Johnny’s lips were pressed back up against mine.

[haleigh-sloth]

What don’t you like about Hawks? I’m not going to hate or anything I’m just curious on what your negative thoughts are of him?

Ugh...lol

Not at you but at the possibility of people coming for me because some Hawks fans tend to get wild sometimes...I definitely won't be tagging this in his tag.

Let me start off with saying that I don't actively dislike Hawks and I don't necessarily wish ill will toward his character or his endgame at all. It's more like the way I feel about him used to be sheer apathy--I just didn't care what happened with him because I was in no way attached to his character. But then my view of him started to get more and more negative as the story went on. But I'm holding out hope it will change.

I'll start with his first introduction. Well, after his introduction--when he is literally just up Endeavor's ASS. Like, I get it because E was his childhood "hero" and it makes sense for him to respect and like him as an adult. Especially because he didn't know the truth. That's fine. It makes sense. But for me, back when his character got introduced--for me to see him act that way toward E it was just an IMMEDIATE turn off. It was hard for me to look past that for a while. (Again, I wasn't very open to reading into his character because I was solely invested at the villains at this point) Then the story went on and he went to do this double agent thing, interesting and fun. But it became obvious that he was not going to be like...changing sides. He was always going to stay on the side of the heroes. So he didn't hold my interest.

And then he killed Twice. And the way that death was carried out was horrible. Twice was crying and running away and Hawks just...literally stabbed him in the fucking back. And then the Touya reveal happens and the truth about Endeavor is out. And what do we get? We get Hawks continuing to support Endeavor, not a single thought about the possibility that Touya needs to be saved and not put down. Chapter 303 I think was one of the most infuriating chapters to date in this manga. I was so not happy about Hawks and BJ interjecting with the Todofam stuff. There is no indication that either of them have Touya's best interest in mind. None. Having him just fully publicly back and support a child abuser is just...not good? And not only that, from chapter 299 these panels pissed me off so bad and I haven't gotten over it:

"Endeavor's in trouble" Okay and???

"I know things are different now..." How does he know exactly? He doesn't know that Natsuo is still mourning Touya every fucking day, in emotional pain and feeling guilty for not forgiving his fucking dad right away (as if he has to), yet still stomaching being around his dad in order to make his sister happy. Shouto is tolerating his dad at best, and Fuyumi is stressing over trying to have a normal home life while everything around her goes up in flames (literally lol). And Rei just got out of a TEN YEAR hospital stay. Fam, things are not better. Hawks doesn't know shit, and this whole thing just really really pissed me off.

BUT

Getting his backstory DID put some perspective on this stuff. Hawks not wanting to let go of that one hopeful image of E from when he was a kid is understandable. It's realistic too. It just...makes me really really not want to root for his character. And finally we have the TOP 3 TEAMUP which is just a WHOLE fucking disaster. I hate it, I hate everything about it. There is quite frankly nothing redeemable about BJ as a character and I am VERY tired of seeing Endeavor's arc swallow Shouto's (I know it'll change back but FUCK dude how long is it gonna take). And my frustration from having to look at those two characters is probably rubbing off on poor Hawks 😂And lastly, Twice's death. Hawks has done nothing to acknowledge the damage he's caused. I mean, that little statement at the press conference? That is not enough, that is nothing. But that is also an issue in the current writing state of the story. We have seen NO fallout from Twice's death. We haven't seen the league since the war to see Shigaraki's reaction, and Hawks has paid no consequences whatsoever. However I do think it will change later and I think my frustration is more so with the current state of the story and the writing choices happening at this moment. I think once we see some actual consequence and effect from Twice's death my overall attitude on Hawks will change, but right now--any chapter that has Hawks, E, or BJ-or worse-ALL THREE, I am just immediately irritated and don't even want to read it. Seriously, for weeks and weeks having to see the spoilers start with "Hawks, BJ, and Endeavor are---" 🤬Which is why I've put the manga on hold for a couple of weeks, and possibly longer depending on how chapter 315 plays out, if there's not anything new going on.

So basically my opinion on Hawks is still just up in the air. It depends on how his endgame plays out. If Horikoshi redeems him (he will I've no doubt) and HOW will all affect my overall attitude toward Hawks’s character.

But REALLY and truly I mostly am just not necessarily interested in Hawks. I don't love him but I don't hate him by any means. And I do hope he gets a good endgame.

[unprofessional-bard]

Chapter 2 - A New Jerusalem

Losing My Religion Series Masterlist

Unprofessional Bard's Masterlist

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Pairing: Joel Miller x Female!Reader/OC

Warnings: PTSD/panic attacks + some suicidal thoughts... angst basically.

Summary: The company finally reach Jackson. Greetings are exchanged between old and new friends, but the reader's hurt after an attack on the plant.

Word Count: 4.917

Author's Note: Now although I haven't been diagnosed either with PTSD or depression, I do have anxiety and had my fair share of panic/anxiety attacks. I can relate or empathise with the people who do have PTSD/depression to some level and I can assure you all I do tons of research about each mental illness I'll be mentioning in these series. I've put mighty effort in this chapter and the following to make it as accurate as possible. My last desire is to upset someone, please forgive me if I do for it isn't intentional... but thank you all so much for reading! 🥺

Enjoy!

Over a month on the road with a smuggler, who's supposedly your, a FEDRA major general's, enemy and a little girl who turned out to be your second chance at life; you really couldn't help but grow fond of them. Them who offered you protection and their own water. How can you not be grateful for them? Even though a second chance at life wasn't exactly your preferred way out of this apocalypse... But everything happens for a reason, you supposed and sighed in relief once you saw a sign written Jackson County on it. It was when Ellie had asked about what happened between Joel and Tommy that Joel revealed the story, but you were too busy stressing out to listen as you all approached a stream. Your heart started beating faster the closer you got to a hydroelectric power plant, which you had to cross, apparently.

"You okay? You've been awfully quiet," Joel asked, suddenly stopping in front of you.

"Yeah," you gulped, palms clammy. Were you sweating? "I'm- it's okay. I'm fine."

Joel gave you a suspicious look, but didn't say anything and moved to try and turn the wheel to make up a bridge from the metal pieces attached to the power plant.

"Well, that gets us halfway." Ellie observed. "If we get the other one up, we'll make it across."

"Isn't there another way?" You sighed, face pale, fidgeting. "There's got to be another way."

The pair gave you an odd look and Joel spoke: "Well, there seems to be no other way but to cross the river."

"Maybe- maybe there's something that will stop the water from flowing? I'll- check over there." You pointed at a control room behind you and walked over there. When the door didn't open, you kicked it open with such force, Ellie and Joel were left more confused than ever. The place had no lights, which meant there was no power surging through the devices in there, but you began pushing every button in there nevertheless.

"Fuck!" You growled and hit the button table with trembling hands in frustration. You felt hot in your jacket all of a sudden, then noticed Joel getting into the water. You froze then and there, realizing you really didn't have another option but to cross the bridge. Your eyes watered at the realization, but you forced yourself to keep calm like you did countless other times. You were the legendary Alpha One leader, after all. A devoted, disciplined, brave leader. Being afraid or weak was something you could've never been able to afford.

You nodded to yourself, ran your fingers through your hair and walked out, only to find Joel carrying Ellie to the other side on a pallet.

"Go on, give it a spin," Joel said once she jumped off the pallet and reached the other wheel. "So good of you to join us."

You remained quiet at his remark as he got out of the water and watched Ellie complete the bridge. He jumped over to your side and began walking to the other side.

"Hey, be careful crossing that thing!" Ellie called out as you both crossed the makeshift bridge.

"We will," Joel replied as he effortlessly walked halfway through, while your legs began shaking. You tried to keep your composure and walk across as normally as he did, but your legs felt like they were about to give in any moment. Keep it together, you thought to yourself, but it was no use.

"Joel," your hands instinctively reached out to him when you stepped on a particularly wet spot, but he was already across, high-fiving Ellie. Maybe it would've been better if you had told them what happened to Felicity and the results of it on you.

"What?" Joel turned around just before stepping off the piece of metal.

"I- I can't cross this-" you spoke while lowering yourself down to grab the edges, running out of breath.

"What do you mean you can't cross it?" Joel spoke, irritated but confused. "C'mon, you're hafway though already."

"No, no I can't," your voice cracked as the sound of the current started getting louder, your heart beating faster. The images of Felicity's body being thrown into water started to appear on your mind.

"Joel, I think she's scared," Ellie said, worried.

"Alright, I'm gonna come grab you," Joel called for you, his irritation slowly turning into anxiety.

"Okay, okay," you spoke between deep breaths, tears filling your eyes and hanging on for dear life. You shut your eyes tightly as you waited for him. It didn't even take 5 seconds for Joel to walk over to you and hold your shoulder: "I'm here, I got you, let's go."

"Uhh," you forcefully moved your feet toward his direction. "Oh god..."

"C'mon, I'm right here, you can get up." Joel encouraged you while holding your hand and it actually encouraged you for a solid second, so you complied, but you got up too fast and it immediately got you feeling dizzy.

"Oh no, oh- woah!" You shouted when you lost your footing and slipped.

"(Y/N)!" Ellie shrieked the same time Joel yelled, but before your upper body could completely sink into the water, Joel caught you by the arm, his chest hitting the metal with a hard thud.

"Fuck! Joel- get me out!" You cried and clawed at the poor man's arm, feeling the water splash around your neck and soak your hair.

"Calm down! I got you, give me your other hand!" Joel yelled as he tried to get a hold of you. It was the first time he was seeing pure terror in your eyes, the first time he saw you being afraid of something so badly.

You sobbed as he grabbed your other hand and pulled you up, Ellie running to help you out. The both of them pulled you out and Joel quickly dragged you across and kneeled beside you, laying you on the ground.

"(Y/N), it's okay, you're safe- (Y/N)-" Joel held your face in his hands as you continued sobbing, reminding him of Sa-

"(Y/N)!"

You covered your mouth with the back of your hand, then bit the side of it, forcing yourself to calm down as you choked back your sobs. Joel and Ellie could do nothing but stare as your body slowly stopped shaking.

You pushed yourself off the ground, trembling lightly and sniffing quietly. Your embarrassment was keeping you from turning around to face them, but Joel's soft voice reached your ears from behind you: "You okay?"

"Yeah," you sniffed. "Yeah, I'm- uh, sorry about that... Let's keep moving."

"You sure? You should rest awhile," Joel reached out to grab your shoulder once more, but you turned around before he could.

"I'll rest when we get there," you said, eyes red, voice cracking a bit and throat hurting. "There's only a few miles left, you said? I'll be fine, let's go."

Joel nodded and told Ellie to move, while he stayed back with you. You stared at the side of your hand which now had deep, purple teeth marks on it, too afraid to look at Joel while he spoke quietly: "Why didn't you tell me you were afraid of the water?"

"I'm not afraid of the water, I..." you groaned, tears still rolling down your face. "It's about... Felicity."

Joel stared for a moment, then nodded with a soft expression on his face. He could tell this was no phobia the moment you mentioned her name.

You all walked, climbed some rocks and went under a tree for a while more as Ellie dreamt about coming across a squirrel and eating it. Poor girl was so hungry, and so were you and Joel but she was just a child.

Your blood ran cold when you came across an old FEDRA territory: "Ain't no way around, we're gonna have to cut through the plant," Joel said and gave you a look. "You think it's empty?"

"I've never heard of this base in the past four years or so- It's gotta be, but we have to be careful." You shook your head.

You and Joel tried to open the doors, but they were... locked. Just as you were about to turn around, a woman appeared to your right on the patrol walls. A chill went up your spine.

"Don't even think about reaching for your weapons-" She spoke, but you grabbed your rifle and Ellie had her little pistol already pointing at the woman. "Tell her to drop her gun, now."

"Ellie, do as the lady says," Joel backed away from the door, all of you raising your hands up reluctantly.

"Please tell me you're lost," the blonde woman sighed.

"We didn't know this place was occupied, we're just trying to make our way through." Joel.

"Through to where?"

Your heart began racing again, at the thought of someone recognizing you. You were 98% sure this place was deserted a few years ago, how-

"They're alright." A familiar voice reached your ears from the left, interrupting your thoughts.

"What, you know these people?" The woman asked in confusion.

"I know him," he spoke and the door opened, to reveal Tommy with a rifle in hand. "He's my goddamn brother."

"Tommy?" Joel was stunned at the sight of him and so were you.

"Holy shit," Tommy said before going in for a hug. It was the first time you'd seen Joel look relaxed and genuinely happy.

"How you doin' baby brother?"

"Goddamn... Let me look at you." Tommy gave his brother a once over, commenting on how fuckin' old he'd gotten, the blonde woman appearing from behind the door as well.

"Shit... (Y/N)? What the hell are you doin' with him?" Tommy's smile grew wide and you extended your hand over to him, which he used to grab and pull you into a brief hug with.

"Good to see you too, Tommy," you smiled. "You gotta take these FEDRA signs down man, gives the feller a heart attack."

"That's exactly the point," Tommy chuckled, then gave a look at the blonde lady. "This is Maria," he looked at you and Joel: "Be nice to her, she sorta runs things around here."

"Ma'am," Joel nodded. "Thanks for not blowing my head off."

"Would've been embarrassing," Maria said. "Considering you're my brother-in-law."

Joel looked at the couple, dumbfounded while you looked between the three of them. When the hell did he got married?!

"We all gotta get wrangled up at some point." Tommy smiled at the both of you like a fool in love. You chuckled and shook your head, remembering the times he used to be a Firefly. Maria and Ellie exchanged a quick conversation before Tommy finally made a move to bring you all inside.

There were literally no words whatsoever to describe how relieved you were. Finally, fucking finally, you had reached your safe haven. Ellie was right, although it needed some work this place was indeed like a small village protected by armed men and a huge FEDRA sign. The walls were long and they looked impenetrable. The moment you heard the door close from behind you, you almost collapsed onto the floor; legs turning into jello and relief washing over you, even though you heard Maria say something about bandits and raids.

At least they weren't Hunters.

You mostly stayed quiet as Joel and Tommy caught up, Ellie petted and admired some horses while a lady and Maria talked to Ellie about them. You just watched and tried to enjoy the moment of peace, locking eyes with Joel for a brief moment before Tommy motioned all of you to follow him for the rest of the tour.

"Really though, how did you end up with Joel, (Y/N)?" Tommy asked right before you walked through a door. You could tell he had a lot of questions, but they had to wait for awhile as you didn't really have the energy to answer them.

"It's uh- a long story." You pursed your lips and stared at him with a pitiful look on your face, only for Maria's walkie to interrupt your exchange. Tommy decided to take up her place when she said she'd rather eat with Ellie and you.

"I'll come with you," Joel said. "You two go with Maria and put some food in yourselves."

"Joel?" Ellie objected with a slightly uncomfortable look on her face.

"C'mon Ellie, let's give the boys some space." Maria smiled at her.

"It's alright Ellie, let's go eat." You rubbed her back and began tailing Maria.

"So," Maria sighed with some energy on her, you wish you had the same. "Before I make any assumptions, would you like to tell me where you're headed or why are you all travelling together?"

Ellie and you looked at each other for a short moment as Maria led you through some rooms: "Uh, actually we were travelling separately, they kinda stumbled across me as I was... dying."

Maria turned around to give you a surprised look, making you shrug and smile awkwardly: "I told you it was a long story."

You began telling her about where your roads crossed, without getting into details, as she got all of you... steaks?

Goddamn, you thought.

"We thought you'd be in the city just as we came across the doors," you spoke after finishing your tale. Maria ate normally, while you barely touched your food. Ellie, on the other hand, almost choked on hers because she was eating too fast.

"Slow down, Ells, the food ain't going anywhere," You handed a(n actual) napkin to her as she struggled to breathe.

"So Ellie isn't your and Joel's daughter," Maria smirked. "What a shame, we had just the perfect place for a family of three."

Your cheeks got dusted with pink as you stared at Maria, mouth slightly agape: "No- Although if you have another perfect place for an adult, that'd be great."

"How do you mean?"

"I escaped FEDRA," You spoke uncomfortably. "My team, they... they all died and, I don't wanna go back. I never wanted to be a part of it to begin with, that's why I was scared when you first showed up. I thought it was an ambush."

Maria nodded sympathetically as you continued: "When Ellie told me of this place, she told me I'd be safe here..."

"Oh," Maria sighed. "Of course, yeah... I see that you and Tommy know each other from way back and that he trusts you?"

"Yeah," you tensed. What if she was the jealous type and wasn't going to let you in because of your 'history' with Tommy? "I used to help him and a few other Fireflies out when they couldn't get around FEDRA. I thought they served a good cause but... It was just a few favours and exchanges here and there."

"I see. He never told me about you, I was surprised when he acted the way he did when he saw you." Oh shit.

"I'm not surprised he didn't mention me," you tensed, visibly, shifting uncomfortablly. "We were just good acquaintances but I guess he was too ecstatic to find out his brother and old acquaintance was alive?"

"Relax," Maria laughed. "I'm just messing with you. Of course he told me about you and the way you watched out for him back in the day."

You really wanted to jump off a window when she confessed and giggled. Give me a break...

"You're cruel," you forced a small smile. You and Tommy really were just good acquaintances, nothing more. You really weren't sure why he hugged you all of a sudden.

"She's really tired, go easy on her," Ellie spoke, mouth full.

"I can tell, you look drained." Maria commented on your appearance worriedly. "Come on now, eat up."

"I'm not hungry," you said. After what happened only some minutes ago, your stomach wasn't in the mood for any food; yes, even though it was a delicious looking steak.

"I'm sure you are," Maria smiled sincerely. "You eat this, then take a bath afterwards and rest as long as you need."

"A bath?" Your voice trembled. "If you tell me you have shampoo or something, I'll kiss you."

Maria giggled: "Unfortunately we don't have shampoos, but we do have hot water and some soaps."

Your eyes widened further more as a hand ran through your hair: "I'm not gonna kiss you, I think I'll just pass out instead. God bless."

You had both of them laughing at your comment, which also made you smile.

"Maria," a voice suddenly echoed through the walkie. "We got the electricity back on!"

"Oh that's great news," Maria sighed into the walkie, relieved.

This place didn't feel real. They had a whole village with protection, electricity, actual food and hot baths with soaps? You just might faint on the spot. Instead, you nibbled at your food. Although you still weren't too hungry, you forced down a few bites to keep yourself going.

Minutes passed as Maria and Ellie chatted this time, peaceful minutes they were, but of course it had to come to an end when alarms went off.

"What's going on?" Ellie panicked.

"Bandits," Maria dropped her smile and got off the table. You and Ellie quickly grabbed your guns and got up as well.

"Stay behind here, I'll cover the door," You said, battle instincts kicking in immediately. They did as you asked and watched as you made your way over to the door, hearing Tommy through the walkie for a brief moment before the door flew open. You immediately fired at the unfamiliar face and heard Maria tell Ellie to hide. You hid behind the door as another man came in, quickly putting a bullet through his head and waiting for a moment to see if more men would come.

"(Y/N)?" You heard Ellie whisper. You began sprinting over to them when another bandit came from behind you. He swung a machete at you with a roar, which you barely dodged as it sliced through your waist a little, making you cry out angrily. You immediately rolled away from the man and shot a straight line of bullets from his chest to his forehead before he could approach you, grabbing the machete from him as he fell.

"Are you alright?!" Maria cried, worried, as you examined your wound.

"Yeah, just stay down!" You replied and threw yourself on the ground when a bullet whizzed only inches away from your ear. You took cover behind a crate and listened to the movements of the men: There were three in the room currently, one near your location, one who just got in the room and one headed over to where Maria and Ellie were.

Alright, you took a deep breath, let's do this.

You jumped over the crate from the left side, opposite to where you got into cover from, having the upper hand with the element of surprise, slicing the bandit's throat with the machete. The guy at the entrance shot at you but the shots were poorly aimed, which gave you time to take down the man as he reloaded. Another gunshot rang through the air from behind you, making you run over to where Ellie and Maria where, only to find a dead bandit on the ground.

"We gotta run!" Maria grabbed Ellie's hand and got up, running for a door on the right side of the room. After making sure the other side was clear, you grabbed the machete before leading the girls through the door to a room which was already occupied by four bandits.

You managed to take two down before ducking and taking cover behind a desk which Maria kicked down in the meanwhile. You reflexively held your wounded side, looked at the blood, then huffed angrily. It got too quiet as you did, which made you look up, only to see another man running toward you with a baseball bat with spikes on it.

You quickly backed off as he swung it at you, which you avoided and immediately took advantage off; your own machete was embedded into his skull before he could raise his bat once more, blood splattering on your face.

While you were struggling to get your blade out of the bandit's head, the other man advanced at you with a cry. You grabbed your machete with both hands and pushed the body off with your foot, the corpse falling almost on top of the other bandit which gave you a moment to recollect yourself and attack. The guy dodged you and you dodged him, machetes clanging against each other.

"(Y/N), duck!" You heard Ellie yell and when you did, a shot rang out from Ellie's pistol and the man hit the floor with a painful yelp. Before you could get off the ground however, a much bigger man with a shotgun came through and fired at you.

"Agh, fuck!" You groaned when you rolled out of his view and onto your wounded side, accidentally dropping your rifle on the floor, out of breath.

"Watch out!" Ellie yelled when the man discovered you behind your cover. Just my luck, you smirked when the man realised he had no ammo left. You immediately jumped up and swung your machete at him, but to your surprise he blocked your attack and grabbed your wrist. He twisted your arm and made you cry out, so you kicked him which made him double over. You tried to kick him a second time, but he quickly regained his composure and went for your waist, hugging it and driving you straight into the wall behind you.

"Oof!" You yelped and coughed, striking him with your elbows. He didn't seem to be affected by your advances as he went to choke you. You couldn't block him in time, causing you to fall on the ground with a painful grunt. Your choking noises must've alerted Ellie, for she went out of cover to shoot at the guy, only to find her pistol to be empty. She began reloading but you were running out of time, so you reached out for the machete laying just across you, then stuck it into the side of his neck when you got a hold of it; blood decorating your face furthermore.

"Oh shit, (Y/N)!" Ellie ran over to you as you fought for air, coughing your lungs out. You pushed the man off you and let Ellie hold your hand as you tried to breathe. "You're okay- I think that was the last of them."

Maria came out of the cover after making sure it was safe, rushing to your side.

"I'm okay, I'm okay," you calmed down, blinking away your tears as you rubbed your neck. That was too close, you thought and got up with Maria and Ellie's help slowly.

"You okay?" Tommy and Joel entered the room all of a sudden, Maria rushing to her husband.

"Yeah- yeah I'm fine." She nodded as Tommy held her. Your breathing was still off track as Joel rushed to Ellie's side.

"Joel! Oh man," Ellie spoke. "They were coming in from every direction-"

"Okay," Joel tried to speak but there was no stopping Ellie: "And then Maria was like We gotta run! So (Y/N) led us here and-"

"Listen-"

"We dove over these tables while (Y/N) took out these guys and this huge guy blasts in with a shotgun!"

"Slow down, slow down-"

"And he attacks her but she swings a machete into his neck-"

"Hey- hey! Are you hurt?" Joel asked, finally getting a hold of Ellie.

"No," Ellie gulped as she gave herself a once over, while Tommy and Maria watched the exchange. "But (Y/N) is!"

Joel turned around to see you leaning onto a table, pressing on your wound with a red face and hand prints around your neck, then walked over to you.

"How bad are you hurt?" Joel removed your hand from your waist and gently held your shoulder.

"Not too bad," You said, breathing slowly getting back on track. "Just need to catch my breath."

Maria and the others brought you to a small nursery and they all waited outside except Ellie. She stayed with you as a lady named Katherine cleaned your wound and applied stitches and bandages on it. While you laid down, you heard Maria yell at Tommy, which made Ellie curious and leave your side. After she was done, you thanked Katherine and went outside only to see an upset Ellie going back in your direction.

"Hey, what's going on?" You stood across her.

"Don't get me wrong (Y/N), I wanna be alone right now."

"Okay, kiddo," You nodded, confused. "I'm here if you wanna talk."

"I know."

You walked over to where Joel was after Ellie went some other direction: "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine- what's going on?"

"You seen Ellie?"

"Yeah and, well, she's pissed," you sighed and watched Maria walk over to both of you.

"Here we go..." Joel muttered before getting up to confront Maria.

"You," She was breathing fire. "If anything- anything at all happens to him, it's on you."

You watched her leave, what the hell was going on? The brothers stood in silence for a moment before Tommy spoke: "She's thankful you know."

"Yeah, I know..." Joel sighed. Tommy gave you a look and you took it as your cue to leave, so you got up and started walking away while they chatted quietly. Just as you were out of hearing range, you heard Tommy call for Joel.

"What is it?" You heard Joel ask when you turned around.

"That girl of yours, she took one of our horses and ran off."

You felt as though boiling water was poured on you from head to toe. Shit.

"Damn it," you heard Joel say as he approached you. "Why the hell did you let her go?"

"I didn't do anything," You said. "She said she wanted to be alone, so I let her."

"You let her be alone outside in the woods?" He growled when he got face to face with you.

"I don't like your tone," you hissed at his false accusation, to which he looked at you as if he was saying the audacity. "I didn't let her do nothin', she said she wanted to be alone- how the hell was I supposed to know she was gonna run off?!"

"Can't keep an eye on a kid..." Joel muttered then walked away, you following him.

"She's neither my child nor my responsibility to take across country and you blame me because she ran off? Please."

"Then why are you acting like her mother all the time?"

"Joel, enough. Let's go." Tommy interrupted when they reached the stables. "Not you, (Y/N). Riding will ruin your stitches."

You opened your mouth to disagree but Tommy insisted: "Please just stay. We got this, it's okay."

"Okay... Be careful." You said with a worried look and Tommy nodded in return, Joel already on the move without sparing you another look.

They rode off - all you could do was watch as they disappeared into the woods.

"They'll be fine, ma'am." The guy at the stables smiled. "Tommy and your man can take real good care of themselves-"

"He's not my man." You growled.

"Oh, well, they'll bring your daughter back-"

"She's not my daughter!" You sighed, exasperated. "Just- tell me where Maria is, please?"

He took you to her and you two sat for a while, complaining about the brothers, eventually laughing about it and making Maria say:

"I just, I really love him... if anything happened to him-"

"I know," you smiled softly. "It's not really my lifestyle, but I know what you mean."

"What do you mean not your style?"

"Love never did it for me. I, well, you could say I forgot what it feels like. I never had the time..."

"Oh I see. Well, you're here now," Maria smiled back, then smirked: "Maybe you'll find someone here, if Joel is too much for you to handle."

Your smile dropped: "Maria, I told you, I'm not interested in that jerk and vice versa... Plus, I can handle him just fine!"

You both giggled again and then Maria led you to a spare chamber she offered you to rest in while she arranged a house for you. You laid down and sighed, sleep pushing your eyelids down as soon as your head hit the pillow.

You were exhausted because of everything you've been through and everything you've felt: You were angry at Joel, worried for Ellie, relieved that you made it to Jackson in one piece, also upset that you possibly won't be seeing Ellie after tomorrow; there was also the attraction you felt toward Joel that you furiously denied, the need to relieve yourself down there and whatnot; but you really didn't think it was appropriate with the grief you pushed down and away slowly resurfacing along your feelings. You were absolutely fatigued, you felt like if someone simply touched you by the shoulder, you'd break and turn into dust then and there. At least in a few hours, when you woke up, Ellie would be back and Joel would mutter an apology - two things would be off your mind before you focused on your heavier emotions.

[mallowstep]

okay, i got an ask about an alternative to the misty au where leopardstar helps rescue the mistyfoot and featherpaw, so tigerstar ends up punishing her instead, and here's my answer:

cw: sexual assault, parents/children being involved in sexual assault

I had a horrible no good about the Misty AU where Leopardstar helped them escape and....Tigerstar took one of her lives, then...sexually assaulted her while making Mudfur watch until he was sure she was with kits and then he told Mudfur: "Maybe she'll go the same way as her mother." (If this is too dark I apologize immensely.)

hello, anon. let's talk, shall we?

cursory things out of the way, i generally don't mind what people put into my inbox. that said, if you're unsure, you can always ask first. i try to answer "housekeeping" qs as soon as i can.

now, onto the ask itself.

god DAMN is this an idea. poor mudfur. he doesn't deserve going through this. nor does leopardstar.

but like. here's the THING. we were talking about tigerstar's power a while ago and -- he's actually not maximizing his usage of it.

see, he has a thunderclan pov. in thunderclan, leaders and deputies are supposed to be -- a team. that's why they're so often mentors and apprentices. because they're supposed to fight side by side. it's supposed to be a very close relationship.

if you read mtbnsof,

"They will be slaughtered," he said, and really, she should have learned her lesson, because he lunged again, and this time, it wasn't for her shoulders — it hurt, blinding, and her eyes shut — and opened. Squirrelstar was bleeding, but she was still alive. Rosepetal had tackled Bramblestar, before he could complete the blow.

that's like -- the model thunderclan deputy. you're supposed to pick a deputy who you are that close with.

that's (part of) why tigerclaw's betrayal hurts bluestar so much.

but in riverclan -- the leader represents all of riverclan, and the deputy is, their enforcer, perhaps?

they're still a team, and still one of the very close relationships, but you're more likely to see friends and siblings chosen, with the goal of -- balancing each other out.

a thunderclan leader and deputy should not publicly disagree. but a riverclan leader and deputy might.

so -- when tigerstar has stonefur killed, he's trying to prove that he has such power over leopardstar that she wouldn't even intervene to save her own deputy. which does work, but it's not the most effective way to control riverclan.

the most effective way to control riverclan would be to get both leopardstar and stonefur on his side, and then have leopardstar defer to him.

uh. so uh. what's the best way to do that, then? well.

tigerstar just has to threaten mistyfoot and the apprentices to keep stonefur obedient. "just has to" i mean ig what i'm saying is. if your family's lives are on the line, you're pretty damn willing to go along with things.

but -- how does he. win leopardstar.

he has kits with her.

because -- well First of All if riverclan's leader is riverclan, then the leader's kits are -- the future of riverclan. so if leopardstar has kits with tigerstar, then riverclan's future is tigerclan. yeah?

Second of All leopardstar is known to not want kits and not like toms, right? like -- riverclan leaders are under a fair amount of pressure to have kits because that is the future of riverclan.

and she's not leader for long enough for that all to play out, but she was the deputy for a while, and -- riverclan knows her. they know how she feels.

so. no matter how well tigerstar hides it -- riverclan will know that it's not voluntary.

and -- leopardstar is riverclan.

but like i just -- okay so god. this is. fljksd;lal;f; j. back on topic to the actual ask -- it's a very very interesting story. not something i Personally would write i don't think, because. i'm not sure i would do a very good job of it? i don't think i am -- sufficiently visceral, i suppose.

and this feels like something where. you'd want mudfur's realizations.

i think it'd be a punishment for him too, wouldn't it? he must have helped them escape. he must have known.

i think for me. like when i was writing "after the foxes have known our taste," one of the...one of the sections i was most -- invested in? was these two paragraphs.

"To talk." Leopardstar sits next to him, pulling herself in, like if she makes herself smaller, she will absolve herself of the guilt she carries. (And he knows she carries it. He was barely her deputy for a season, but he has known her his whole life. She will never say it — and because she never will, Mistyfoot will never forgive her — but he sees it in her shoulders.) "We used to be friends."

and then

Leopardstar nods, draws herself together. She looks like herself, again. Regal. Not for the first time, Stonefur thinks that Leopardstar would have made a more striking image on the Bonehill.

i think. leopardstar makes the decisions she makes for the good of her clan

(and oh, tigerstar would use that against her.

"Don't you care about the future, Leopardstar? There are no more kits in the nursery.")

and so in that moment with stonefur, she's...turning to who was supposed to be her counterbalance, and trading all of her pride and strength for vulnerability. and when stonefur -- not rejects her, but tells her he's not ready, she returns to Leopardstar of Riverclan.

but mudfur is her father. the moment of vulnerability with him in denouncement is

"Come with us," she says, pleading. She feels like a kit, begging her father to let her leave camp. "There will always be a space for you in RiverClan." "I thought I taught you better than that," he says, and there is warmth in his voice, like sun on water. "There is no point in keeping spent bones." Leopardstar cracks. She presses her muzzle into him, breathing his scent, past the herbs and illness that clings to him. "Please don't leave me," she says, even though she is the one who is leaving.

and -- while that's not misty au canon, there's a reason that at the end of "the blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine," mudfur tells leopardstar she has work to do.

because by the time mistyfoot and featherpaw do escape, leopardstar has already, in mudfur's eyes, transgressed far beyond the forgiveable.

but now -- his daughter is hurt. and she's -- does she want his comfort? or does she try to be leopardstar of riverclan?

yeah. that's. some good emotional stuff to dip into.

i have -- tawnypelt to explore these ideas with. uh. tbisrasacw contains. sufficient implications but -- mistyfoot's treatment is uncomfortably public.

that's gonna come up again later, i think, but in tawnypelt's first fic, which i'm still toying with official titles for, but has the provisional title of "see them starving in the street," but uh there's a few ideas that it tackles.

all of these tackle -- several ideas. "heaven and hell were words to me" is probably the most, singular plot line of the fic. there's a reason i started with featherpaw's fic and not mistyfoot's.

tbisrasacw balances featherpaw and mistyfoot, and atfhkot is sliding between all of these different cats with moments of what stonefur feels peaking through.

i'm still deciding if i'm publishing "i didn't care much how long i lived" (feathertail) or "like this morning reveals to me" (stonefur) tonight, but idcmhlil is about featherpaw's relationships to other cats, so it naturally pulls in a lot of ideas, and ltmrtm is mistyfoot from stonefur's perspective, which means it necessarily pulls in many ideas.

but stsits is -- one character, many threads. tawnypaw's want to be accepted contrasted with her instictive horror contrasted with her belief that there is no going back contrasted with grappling with the fact that her father is -- uh. mistyfoot.

yeah.

and i don't know. i think. if tigerstar were to punish mudfur via leopardstar, that's one thing. but another thing is like -- depending on his precise interpretations, he could -- force mudfur to. be on "his side."

isolate him from leopardstar.

after all, the reason tigerstar fosters mistyfoot and featherpaw together is because it allows him to win mistyfoot's unthinking loyalty. but tigerstar has all of riverclan to threaten.

("You'll have my kits," he says, smirking. "Do you know why, Leopardstar? Because if something happens to this litter -- I'll take your worthless apprentice and kill her.")

he could -- turn mudfur. not actually, but make leopardstar believe he is.

("You deserve this," Mudfur says, and he is going to hell for this.

Tigerstar doesn't respond, and Leopardstar's ears pin back.

"Tell me, Mudfur, was her mother this pathetic?"

I'll take every last life from her, Mudfur, Tigerstar had threatened. Maybe I'll make you take one. Test me. It'll be fun to see her bleed again.

"Yes," he says, and Brightsky won't forgive him. I'm sorry, he thinks, but it's too late for that.)

i think -- in the misty au, tigerstar takes leopardstar's den. but he'd share it with her.

one of my favourite moments in tbirasacw is

She turns her head, meeting his eyes. He leans back, exposing his stomach, and Mistyfoot takes a moment to consider how easy it would be to tear him open. But she won't, and that's the point.

which you know. the forced intimacy and kindness.

(Tigerstar licks Leopardstar's cheek.

"Leopardfur," he purrs, his tail tucking around her.)

and more name shenanigans, because of course he would. if you've learned anything from this, it's that matthew likes contrasting kindness and violence, and matthew likes name shenanigans.

name shenanigans he would definitely pull mudfur in on.

("You'll call her what I tell you to call her," Tigerstar growls. He puts his paw over Mudfur's. "If I tell you to call her Leopardfur, you call her Leopardfur. You should be grateful I'm not telling you to call her a whore.")

i dunno What everyone would do when tigerclan was over. riverclan would have a Hell of a time.

leopardstar would probably appoint mistyfoot deputy and they'd -- grow closer together.

mistyfoot gave everything she had for featherpaw, and leopardstar paid the same price for the both of them. i think that is -- an apology in its own way.

(Mistyfoot sits with her when she gives birth. Mudfur reminds himself Brightsky was sick. That she did not die because of the kitting. Most queens don't.

Stonefur sits outside the den. Mudfur waits in his own, because he thinks he can't bear to know what he has done to his daughter.)

hm. yes. interesting idea to explore. i appreciate this ask.

<3

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Ten Sides (Last Part)

The root of her problems, Doctor Khan says, is her own self image. She thinks that she has always known as much. That she has always had a distorted image of who she is in some way or another; sometimes she is the greatest soul to walk upon Fire Nation land, on other days she is a failure through and through. Some days she is a goddess, some days she is a disappointment, a shame… Sometimes she thinks herself a decent woman and at other times she can’t see herself as anything but a twisted and warped extension of her father. Sometimes she sees herself as a bold woman a free and independent woman. Sometimes she feels like a tool.

Sometimes she still longs for Aang to touch her aura again. To tweak it until she feels nothing but the self-respect and confidence that she tries to outwardly exude. Most of the time she is well aware that it is more satisfying to continue slowly putting herself back together on her own. She thinks that she has made so much progress already; even before meeting with Khan for the first time. She was proud to inform him that she has already done her share of introspection and that she would only like the tools to fully make something of it.

Today’s task is to better resolve things with Mai and TyLee. They talk to her, they bring her on outings, they seem to enjoy being in her company again. But she still doesn’t feel as though she has fully patched things up. There are still loose ends and these loose ends, Khan says, are worth tying.

She feels so vulnerable trying. Even though both of them are listening to her with much more willingness and much less skepticism.

“Believe it or not, I do understand.” Azula says. “I might be missing a few pieces but I understand.” And her understanding is exactly what continuously makes her feel ill.

“We already said that we forgive you.” TyLee smiles.

So why can’t she forgive herself? Why is she still so utterly disgusted with herself? Somehow this nags at her much more deeply than having killed Sangyul. “I don’t.”

Mai sighs. “You really like to latch onto mistakes, don’t you?”

“A mistake is something that happens once, by accident. Not something repeated and deliberate.”  Azula mumbles.

“How can you forgive Aang but not forgive yourself?” TyLee tires.

“I have standards for myself.”

“Lower them?” Mai quirks a brow.

Azula shakes her head. Though Khan has said the same thing, she thinks that this is one standard she can’t lower. She has already done her share of lowering anyways; these days she leaves her hair out of place when day to day activities make a mess of it. These days she allows herself to skip firebending practice. These days it is easier for her to stomach a poorly preformed kata. These days it is easier for her to look in the mirror and see her scar not as a mark of shame but a mark of strength, perseverance… These days she is able to feel satisfaction when assessing herself as a whole.

But not this. This is a standard that she needs to uphold. A standard that she can’t afford to get lax with. Not when it is so easy for her to fall back into poorer social habits. The ones that her father had fashioned for her. The ones that made her an adequate soldier.

She wants to be a more agreeable person, as Sangyul had put it, but she wants to do it on her terms. She will do it on her terms.  “I need to talk about this. I need to…” she needs to feel like she isn’t horrible. That she isn’t exactly what she hates. Needs to come to terms with that she had been what she has come to hate. “Do you think about it, sometimes?”

“Think about what?” TyLee asks.

“What I did to you? Do you still have...habits? Tell me the truth.”

TyLee bites her lip. “I did for a while.”

Azula swallows, her stomach flutters. She had seen it coming, she had wanted to know. It hurts all the same. “Mai?”

Mai shrugs, “not really, but that still doesn’t make it okay.”

She knows this. “It is still not okay what Aang did to me.”

Mai nods, seeming to relax somewhat. “I guess that it’s good to have proof that you really do understand.”

“Do you still have habits, TyLee?”

She shakes her head, “not since our last talk.” She smiles. “I’m not afraid of you anymore.”

Azula isn’t sure if the flutters in her tummy come from fear and discomfort or relief--they really like her. They are staying with her because she is someone worth keeping company with. And if they are no longer afraid of her, perhaps she shouldn’t be either. Perhaps she can afford to let her guard down at least a little. To trust herself. Perhaps it is time to more fully accept each and every change. To fully acknowledge and embrace who she has become. Even if this person is softer, more venerable. Even if this person is more doubtful, prone to questioning herself. They are her own changes, the ones that she herself has invited.  

“Thank you.”

“For what?” TyLee asks with a little laugh, “not being afraid?”

Azula nods.

“Thanks for talking with us.” Mai replies. “For a while I thought that it was just an act.”

“It’s not an act.”

“We know.” TyLee says cheerfully.

“Now can you forgive yourself and stop making things weird and tense?”

She manages a laugh. “I think so.” Spirits, she feels so much lighter now.

She doesn’t need the vines. She never did. She is healing on her own.

.oOo

Her smile is beautiful, perfect. She is stubborn, irritating, pushy, and particular. It is truly aggravating sometimes. Her moods can be turbulent and sometimes she yells. She has a tendency to bring up the past. And by Raava, he fights back. But he wouldn’t tweak an aspect of her. She is perfect. And she is perfect the way she is.

Her moods are growing much less turbulent, her mind less troubled. He can see it in her posture, in that beautiful, perfect smile, and in her eyes. There is clarity in them, clarity and peace to go with that sharp and powerful gleam.

She pats her lap and he sits upon it. She wraps her arms around him and rests her chin on his shoulder. “I talked with Mai and TyLee earlier today.”

“How did that go?”

“I won’t be needing an emergency session with doctor Khan.” She kisses the crook of her neck. “It went well.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” He smiles.

“Avatar?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you still ashamed of yourself?”

He furrows his brows, “what do you mean?”

“Because I feel like myself again.” She says, stroking the back of his hand. “I don’t have the nightmares as often. You don’t have to feel guilty anymore.”

And it comes to him that she is assuming that, because she has been struggling to forgive herself, that he must be too. Her expressions of empathy are as bizarre as many of her other mannerisms. He has to laugh. Truth be told, he has forgiven himself some time back. He can see the confidence on her, can see her coming back to herself, but somehow it still comes as a relief to hear her vocally confirm that he hasn’t left her permanently unsure of herself.

“I’m glad to hear it, Azula.” She has fought so hard to rediscover herself and, spirits, the woman she has found is a lovely one. He massages her back and shoulders. He only hopes that he has done the same for himself.

He is almost certain that he has; for better or for worse, he has shaken away the innocent, naive boy he had been. For better or for worse, he knows that sometimes he can’t hold back, that he has to strike and strike hard. For better or for worse, he knows when he has to fight.

She gives him another faint smile and trails her fingers down his arms. She goes quiet for a moment, for just long enough to leave a flutter in his belly. “I love you.”

It is the first time that she has said as much out loud without the vines to push her to do so. And, spirits, the authenticity is so much better. Though spoken just as quietly, her affections aren’t timid and flustered. They are strangely firm but with a silky quality.

“Say it again?” He requests.

“I love you, Avatar.” She gives his neck another kiss. “You’ve helped me a lot. It was humiliating and stupid but…”

“But look at you now.” He finishes. He gazes into her eyes. They are fully lucid, fully Azula. Azula with  compassion.

“I just wish that I would have helped you the right way from the start.”

She presses her lips firmly together before confessing, “I’m not sure that you would have been able to, Avatar. I didn’t want to change. I...don’t know if I would have if I didn’t break completely.”

And there it is, the final thing that needs to be settled. Aang shakes his head, “I think that you would have. You shouldn’t have had to get hurt that badly to heal. We should have realized that you needed some patience and understanding. I know that you think that the old you was unreachable but have you considered that that’s because no one ever tried to do it the right way?”

“Avatar, that’s a lot easier said than done. I’m not...I wasn’t nice.”

“Do you know how many times Zuko lashed out at Iroh?” Aang asks. “The point is, you didn’t need to go through all of that. You didn’t deserve what Sangyul put you through.”

Azula nods, “thank you, Avatar. Sometimes I forget that things don’t have to be so...cruel.”

He wishes that life would have been kinder to her. All the same, he can’t imagine Azula without her rougher edges. The rougher edges that he had damn near smoothed away. “They don’t.” He confirms. “But I’m pretty sure that it’s safe to say that you can handle everything.”

She pulls him closer, squeezes him tighter, buries her face in the folds of his clothing. She kisses between his shoulder blades and he knows for certain that they never had to force her to be loving, she had the capacity for it.  

All they had to do was assure her that it was safe to be soft.

.oOo.

She feels strong again, powerful. Her head hasn’t felt this clear in so long. And thinks that she has fully fulfilled the lessons she learned from unlocking her chakras. She looks in the mirror, the face within is both harder and softer all at once. She supposes that it only makes sense; it is a rather direct reflection of her personality. Of a woman who has found the strength in weakness and the dignity in shame. Of a woman who has confronted her guilt and her fears and built them into love and comfort. Love and comfort that shakes grief away. Of a woman who has learned to break away from those comfortable lies that have been rotting her away into a weaker version of herself. Of a woman who has stripped herself down to the rawest elements of herself, the truest version of herself. The version of herself that the most admirable, respectable, and lovable.

And finally she can be content with the face she sees. Finally she can be happy to look upon it. Upon herself. Finally she can not only be content with, but appreciate the woman she sees.

“You aren’t scrutinizing yourself again, are you?” Aang asks.

She shakes her head, “no, Avatar. I’m…”

“Admiring?” He quirks a brow.

She rolls her eyes, “appreciating.”

“I appreciate your face too.” He stoops down to kiss her forehead.

She rolls her eyes.

“I’m not talking about my face.” Though she doesn’t think that it would hurt to appreciate that too.

“Then what are you talking about?”

“Do you really want to listen to me ramble about myself.”

“I sure do.” Aang pulls up a chair. “What exactly are we appreciating today?”

She gives a soft hum, “acceptance, Avatar, we’re appreciating acceptance. Change, as well, I suppose.” More than that she appreciates finally being comfortable in her skin. Sound in who she has become. “I am...happy with myself.” She is happy with herself because she is undeniably herself. And she thinks that she has grown into herself quite well.

Aang grins. “That’s really refreshing to hear.” He massages her shoulders.

Every so often her mind wanders back to that facility, to Sangyul. But when it does there is an element of control, a different sort of acceptance. A more solemn one; things could have and probably should have gone different. Things didn’t have to get as bad as they did. The man had damn near killed a part of her and she had paid him back for it. She isn’t an evil person. Neither is she the sweet and timid thing that he tried to shape her into--that people may well want her to be. And so her nightmares become a rarity. When they rise, she has her Avatar to whisper consoling words in her ear.

“Does this mean that the meditation isn’t ‘loathsome’ and ‘pointless’?”

She rolls her eyes. “It is quite helpful, but I still think that it looks ridiculous.”

“You look ridiculous so that your bending can look mystifying.”

She must admit that it certainly has helped her find a new source for her bending, a source that isn’t so cold and hateful. And in the clarity her lightningbending and her forms have a new and deeper elegance. A regal prowess that suits her very well.

“I wish I could say the same for your firebending. Avatar, have you been practicing like I’ve told you?”

He rubs the back of his head, telling her all that she needs to know.

She sighs, “well I know what we’re doing today.”

“Aren’t you, Mai, and TyLee having a girl’s night?”

“Ladies night starts at night. We have plenty of sunlight left to work on your firebending. The last time we trained it was embarrassing...for both of us as I recall.”

He laughs. “Alright, fine, I guess it will be fun to train with you now that you actually have your fire.”

She leads him into the palace training hall. “Would you like to spar first or shall I show you some forms?” She already knows what he is going to say.

“Forms, please.”

She rolls her eyes. “Savor you last moments of rest, Avatar. I won’t be going easy on you once we start.”

“I know that you won’t.”

With a smirk and a quirk of her brow, she holds out her hand. She lets the flame flicker upon it. Her brows furrow and Aang stands back up. “Avatar...what?”

He cups his hand under hers.

“What does this mean?”

“You found your peace and a perfect balance for you.” He replies with a kiss to the top of her head.

She lets the flame lick and lap in her palm. A brilliant white.

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

i’m falling again (Bakugo Katsuki X Reader) (sad ending)

Guys... Harry Style’s newest song is... heartwrenching and I fucking love it, it’s such a tearjerker and I love it so much, I NEEDED to write something with it... it’s that good and it made me cry... >.< </b>

Think of this as an extra to my ‘Dump His Ass’ series that I never expected to become oddly popular!! Thanks you guys!! <3</b>

However, while I love me some angst, I think after I’m done with this I’ll hafta write another fic with a happier ending, but for now... here’s the sad ending!! :3 

FROM: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/188898319229/i-needed-to-lose-you-to-love-me-bakugou-katsuki-x

Summary: Bakugo isn’t known for his soft heart, but when he saw you kissing another man, it physically hurt...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olGSAVOkkTI

Nothing hurt or scared Katsuki Bakugo.

Nothing. 

He’s been strong and brave-hearted since he was a child, fearless by nature he didn’t let anything get to him and never showed any moment of weakness and never cried about anything, no temper tantrums didn’t count. 

He wasn’t afraid of the dark as a child, he wasn’t afraid of the bullies who were bigger than him. His fear didn’t waver as he got older and stronger. Because he wasn’t afraid of the villains who attacked him and his classmates at the USJ. He wasn’t even scared of the villains who captured him at the summer camp.

They held him captive and tied him up so he couldn’t escape or try to fight back, he wasn’t scared then. Nothing could get to him. Nothing could make him break down, he didn’t cry when he got his first shot at the doctor, he didn’t cry when those older kids fought with him, he didn’t cry when he wiped out on his bike and hurt his ankle. 

He didn’t cry and he wasn’t afraid of anything. 

Aside from maybe getting nearly possessed by that Sludge Villain, and then All-Might going into retirement. Those were the only two moments in his life that probably scared and internally harmed him the most to bring him to tears.

However...

There’s only one person who really knew how much that scared and hurt him. And that person was you, his beloved girlfriend. Even when he didn’t want to, because Bakugo didn’t open up to people, it wasn’t in his nature. Still, somehow you knew everything about him, and even enabled him to open up to you on the rare moments where he would let you see even a SMIDGE of vulnerability from him because he trusted you.

You were always more openly emotional than him, so much it was annoying especially when you would just chat and chat about something you loved whether it was a movie, a TV show or something he thought was dumb. Still, he listened to you, and God he wished he did more of that. But he especially listened when you were being vulnerable and opening up about everything. Ever since you and him were kids, he’s had a soft spot for you and actually let you open up.

You knew him, you trusted him, you loved him. And he knew you, he trusted you, and he loved you.

But then you dumped his ass, told him what a shitty boyfriend he had been and said you wanted absolutely nothing to do with him for several months as you avoided him, froze him out and showed how little you needed him because he failed you.

Now that both terrified him and hurt him...

I'm in my bed And you're not here And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands Forget what I said It's not what I meant And I can't take it back I can't unpack the baggage you left

It’s been almost half a year since the two of you have broken up, and only recently you and Bakugo got some closure and you didn’t take him back. And honestly, Bakugo knew that was nobody’s fault but his own. He hated admitting it to himself but he knew there was no one else to blame but himself.

As he lied in his bed, he tried his hardest to ignore the fact that you still weren’t with him. Valentine’s Day wasn’t long ago, but he didn’t buy you anything because you and him weren’t together anymore. 

The worst part? He didn’t even get you anything LAST Valentine’s Day because he said it was stupid, commercialized and a game that you shouldn’t have played into even as you gave him those chocolates and even a card that he still secretly kept.

He really was a shitty boyfriend. He realized that the more he lied down with an anguished scowl and growled. Bakugo was aware that he could have been a better boyfriend, but the breaking point was when he called you something he swore he’d NEVER call you.

That’s why you left him. You put up with his bullshit long enough, you could handle him being a jerk, saying ‘no’ to spending time with him, but then he insulted your appearance, your weight, and your interests. The same things all the assholes from school used to insult you for, the assholes HE protected you from.

“Dammit!!” He yelled at no one but himself, “You fucking idiot!!” Even though you said that the two of you could still be friends, Bakugo wished for more than that. He wanted you back...

He wanted you back so fucking much even though he knew he didn’t deserve you. Bakugo refused to shed any tears even as he eventually closed his eyes...

“I dump your ass!”

“WHAT?!”

“You heard me. I. DUMP. YOUR. ASS!” You enunciated the words slowly and deliberately to annoy him and he was extremely indignant and appalled that you were… seriously breaking up with him?! HIM?!

“You’re dumping me?!”

“What the fuck do you think I said it two fucking times!!” 

“You’re not seriously breaking up with me over a fucking insult?!” Bakugou’s pride started talking for him though, because he refused to let you bruise his ego by dumping HIM.

“Yes I am Katsuki, and that’s not the only reason… It’s because you’re also selfish and mean! You’re the worst boyfriend ever and I’ve put up with your shit plenty of times but this is just WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH! What you said is just too fucking much for me to even put up with, you’ve completely broken me down I feel like shit and I’ve HAD it and I’m dumping your ass!”

...

“You called me ‘fat’, ‘ugly’ and ‘lazy’ Katsuki. There’s nothing to talk about.” 

“I did NOT call you ugly!” Bakugou replied defensively, aware that he called you ‘fat’ when he really shouldn’t have and he didn’t deny it, but he did NOT call ugly at all. He never thought you were ugly, but you didn’t believe him.  

“Yeah you did… you implied it.” 

“No, I didn’t you idiot! I said shit I shouldn’t have but I never once called you ugly and I didn’t fucking imply it either!”

“You know I’ve been struggling with my self-image and my weight for years Katsuki, and yet you go and say all the things people from school had said to me for years, the people who made me feel ugly, so… you must think I’m ugly if you would say what they’ve been calling me…” 

“I don’t think you’re ugly…” His voice came out as a soft growl, but you shook your head, “Then you wouldn’t have said what you did… it’s okay… I’ve known it for years… well you know what? You’re free now, you don’t need some ugly, fat girl like me dragging you down, maybe now you can go out with that chick from Shiketsu High now..”

...

“How fucking long are you going to punish me (Y/N)?! HOW FUCKING LONG?! ARE YOU REALLY STILL PISSED OFF OVER SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED MONTHS AGO?!”

“Of COURSE, I’m still kind of pissed off! And for the record I am NOT punishing you, you narcissistic asshole, I’m TRYING to think about how I should forgive you for the things you swore to NEVER call me! Or if I even should forgive you! W-What? You want me to j-ju-ju-just… make out with you like its old times?!” You exclaimed with the same vexation that you had been keeping at bay ever since the two of you broke up, not seeing Bakugou’s narrowing eyes and shaking figure as he seethed when you once again, reminded him of the big mistake he made with you.

“I… I mean I… I can’t even look at your face Katsuki! Without… thinking about and hearing the words you said to me and the expression of anger and disgust on your face when you said that I was just some fat pig who was wasting your time!” Emotion nearly choked you up as you wiped your eyes when tears started to cloud them and you couldn’t see just how aggravated and distressed Bakugo was as he clutched his hair out of frustration.

“I FUCKED UP!! How many times do I have to say that I fucked up?! How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?!”

Throwing his hands up, he shouted that he had indeed screwed up, louder than before, frustrated with everything, with you, with himself, with the fucking guilt that just started eating away at him again.

“You can say you’re sorry all you want! I just… I can’t ignore the fact that you would stoop so low to say the same things the people YOU protected me from would say to me. Why did you do that?” 

“ARGH! Dammit! I don’t fucking know! I was pissed off! I had shit I was dealing with and I took it out on you but I shouldn’t have! I admit it!” 

“I just… god… here’s my real question… why are you such a fucking asshole to me?” 

“For God’s sake I said I was sorry for what I said all right?! I’ve said it a million goddamn times! I’m SORRY (Y/N)! I didn’t mean what I said to you! I want to take it all back because it was the worst fucking thing I could have ever said to anyone! Especially you!” He shouted his apology, the angry tears threatening to spill but you shook your head at this.

“I’m not talking about what you said, I’m talking about everything! Ever since we got together you’ve still managed to treat me like shit! Even before we got together you still treated me like shit, and yet it got worse when we became a thing! You hardly spent anytime with me, pushed me away when I tried to help you, made fun of what I liked, insulted me and called me other names for what? Cuz I’m a geek like Izuku, cuz I like geeky things and like to watch TV and eat sweets and say dumb puns and hang out with Izuku and Hitoshi, well I’m sick of it Katsuki! I’m fucking sick of it!”

...

“Look… Katsuki… I mean you no ill will. I still care about you, and I still love you but… I really, really don’t think you’re a good boyfriend…” You said a little bluntly but made your voice soften as he gasped quietly.

“You’re not a bad person… but you’re not a good boyfriend either… and I don’t really think that I can really return to a relationship like that… sorry…” 

“I know I wasn’t! But… look just… dammit (Y/N) I’m not going to say any of that shit to you ever again! I won’t fuck up like I did last time I swear!” He sounded desperate, as if he was pleading to you as he moved closer and you fought the tears starting to build in your eyes when he grabbed your hands. He would beg if he had to, he just couldn’t lose you.

“I love you.”

He said calmly and yet sincerely, out of pure impulse but that’s what he truly meant. He loved you and he just wanted to hear you say the words back to him. He knew you did…

“See that’s just it… I know you love me… I love you too… but… I thought you loving me was enough, at least… until… you said the things you did… now I know you’re sorry… and I don’t doubt that you do love me but… I started hating myself again when you said those things and it made me realize that… I need to love me too, I need to start loving myself… and I didn’t love myself when I was with you. I let you do that for me, and… I can’t do that anymore. It’s not fair to you, and not good for me.”

...

What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again I'm fallin'...

Bakugo’s eyes snapped open as the memories played in his head like some kind of fucked up movie as he remembered every word you said, every tear you shed because of him.

And now here he was, holding in his own tears that he refused to let fall as he angrily wiped at his eyes. No, he did not and would not cry, and he couldn’t cry over spilt milk no matter much it fucking hurt. No matter how much he wanted to just sob and cry out for you to come back to him so he could tell you how fucking sorry he was.

Dammit he couldn’t fucking take it anymore. He got up out of bed so he can go to your room and knock until you answer. He needed you, he needed you now...

He outright dashed to the floor where your room was and knocked somewhat vigorously. No answer. Growling, he knocked a little bit harder but again, there was no answer.

Were you asleep? Probably, you were a pretty deep sleeper, but dammit, he wished you were awake to answer him. But then he froze as soon as he heard the tell-tale sound of laughter...

YOUR laughter.

Relief overwhelmed him as he didn’t even realize that he was running so he could find you and not look as pathetic as he probably did right now. He could still hear you, you were near. The commons, duh, you were a late sleeper and watched Netflix when you couldn’t sleep...

“That is disgraceful...” 

But then the ash-blonde stopped dead in his tracks and froze the second he heard someone else’s voice that wasn’t yours. No fucking way...

Eyebags...

“I know...! Oh my God... how humiliating... I love this show but it so uncomfortably hits close to home...” That was your voice and you were giggling as you happily watched that gross show Bakugo didn’t care about at all. Big Mouth it was called, on Netflix too. You were watching Season 3′s ‘How to Have an Orgasm’ to be specific and of course, it was hilarious...

Unlike Bakugo, Shinsou appreciated the show, and watched it with you as he had with other shows on Netflix such as Stranger Things, Kimmy Schmidt, The Good Place, and Big Mouth.  

“Tell me about it... puberty’s a bitch... still is to be honest.” And to make matters worse, Shinsou was laughing with you and it wasn’t the first time. Bakugo was never a fan of Shinsou, he knew you were friends with that bastard, but naturally he was jealous of him because it just seemed like you two were just so damn buddy-buddy and it was annoying.

And yet there was now, just watching TV with you, while he himself was probably the furthest person from your mind...

What if I'm down? What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about? I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again I'm fallin'...

“Hee-hee... okay~. What do you say? The Office? Since...” Sighing sadly and dramatically you raised your fist in the air, “Friends got taken off...? Or The Good Place maybe?” You binge-watched the entire series before the New Year, because Netflix took it off, but at least you still had The Office and The Good Place.

“Yeah... Friends is gone, but The Office is here for us. Thank God... So yeah... let’s watch The Office. I’d watch The Good Place but I need to watch Season 4 since it just came out but I haven’t seen it yet. And I’ve been dodging spoilers ever since...” Shinsou gave you a smile even though he was just as unhappy as you were when they took Friends off of Netflix.  

“All riiiight~! Hee-hee good idea... I haven’t seen it yet either, I’m waiting til we get the chance to see it with Fumikage, Yuga, Denki and Mina so we can watch the last one altogether~.”

Bakugo had no idea why he was still standing there, but something in him told him to just fucking move already and say something to get your attention so you could see him. He opened his mouth to speak but...

“Can you believe this show’s been out for like 15 years and it’s just getting popular? Like crazy popular?” You nudged Shinsou playfully as he chuckled a bit, “Guess they finally realized how great a show it is...”

Shinsou thought outloud, having gotten closer to you over the past couple of months and spent a lot of time chilling out with you and also training with you as well. Then there were days when you and he would just spend the hours gabbing away about things you both liked. 

“That’s true... some people thought it was uncomfortable... but then they started to like it... which is nice.” You smiled a bit even though you were kind of sad for some reason. The last few months had been... awkward. After all, you had broken up with your boyfriend and went through quite a bit of drama until you cleared it up and made up with Bakugo. You didn’t get together with him, but the two of you reached an understanding and were still friends.

You still talked to him, and you lost your hostility towards him and became more cordial towards him. Although you’d be lying if you said you didn’t still love him. But this was for the best, you couldn’t go back to that, and you were in a better place anyway. You started to feel better and you were able to use your quirk again to fly without your sadness holding you back. You were happier, and not only that...

“Like me.” Shinsou smirked a little bit even though it was a self-deprecating joke which made you roll your eyes. “Hitoshi... okay... you’re a little uncomfortable to be around sometimes, but that was like only in the beginning, you’re great! You’re super great... and awesome. I mean your quirk is so cool, you can fight and punch someone hard enough to knock them out now! AND... you also like Friends, The Office, The Good Place, Stranger Things, smart as hell and you’re nice... well, not nice, but you have a nice side... anyone who can do all those things and like all of that HAS to be great in my book.” You kinda poked at him a bit as he playfully smacked your shoulder with a little grin which made you giggle.

And Bakugo hated it...

“Oh yeah? Well... you’re giving me too much credit (Y/N)... Here’s the truth... I think... you’re great.” 

But Bakugo’s eyes widened when he heard Shinsou say those words to you and you blushed and looked at him with wide eyes that practically shined with stars in them. “Really?”

“Yeah...” He sounded kind of flustered but he didn’t really stop because this was something he needed to tell you even though his face was getting increasingly hot just saying all of this as he nervously scratched the back of his neck, “I mean... your quirk is unique. You made yourself fly, you gave yourself wings to fly, no one else did that but you, you used your quirk creatively and it shows even outside of that, when something bad happens, you managed to make yourself fly again. And you’re weird... in a good way, everyone’s so fake and plastic that they don’t even try to be who they are, but you’re not fake, you’re just... you. Even if you know not everyone will like it, you don’t try to hide it or change yourself for anyone whether they like it or not, and that’s just... great.... I try to do that, I make no effort to change myself but... when you do it it’s actually cool.  I guess... I mean... yeah I just... I think that’s all great. I think... you’re great (Y/N).”

Shinsou stopped making eye contact with you as he felt somewhat bashful, but only when he finished is when he finally looked at you and saw your (E/C) eyes wide and your cheeks flushed. Neither of you aware that Bakugo was still there, listening...

That stupid brainwasher was right... you were great but dammit... HE wanted to tell you that... HE wanted to tell you how great your were and everything else that you were. Beautiful, amazing, intelligent, powerful...

However...

You were so stunned by everything Shinsou told you that you didn’t even think, you acted on pure impulse as you quickly leaned in and you didn’t even hear the gasp coming from your ex-boyfriend’s mouth once he saw your lips on Shinsou’s.

And I get the feelin' that you'll never need me again...

He was falling. Bakugo felt like he was falling as he watched you kiss that brainwashing bastard who made a startled, surprised sound once he felt your warm kiss. Yet Shinsou didn’t deter as Bakugo clenched his fists when he saw his eyes closing as he kissed you back.

He didn’t exist. You didn’t even see him and he knew it because you were lost in such a deep kiss with this extra and it fucking hurt...

He wanted to scream, he wanted to push Shinsou away and tell him to fuck off and tell you that he wanted you back, but he did nothing...

And he knew he was just a fucking loser because all he did was stand there, until his feet started moving as he turned his back so he could get the hell out of here. No, Bakugo couldn’t bear to see you kissing that bastard, he couldn’t bear to see that you had officially moved on.

He didn’t matter anymore to you, he knew it...

Nothing hurt or scared Katsuki Bakugo. Nothing. Except for seeing the love of his life kissing another man. He was a coward, a fucking weakling because now everything was hurting, his chest ached as he lied back in his bed. And he was letting this hurt him, but dammit... it hurt because he loved you. He still loved you and still wanted you here...

What am I now? What am I now? What if you’re someone I just want around? I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again I'm fallin'...

You were his biggest fan,  his biggest supporter. Not anymore. He knew that... but he didn’t love you just because of that, he loved you because you were you. A dork, a weirdo, unafraid to be your loving and quirky self. You softened his heart and yet he let his own stupidity and asshole self treat you like garbage when you deserved better than that.

He refused to cry, but because he was such a damn weakling the tears just fell and betrayed him by streaming down his face as he swallowed the hard lump in his throat that was threatening to crawl up and make it’s presence known. His breath hitching as he stared up at his ceiling and his mind just showed the image of you kissing Shinsou.

Along with the image of him yelling at you and you ending it with him. It was all he could see through his teary eyes as a soft sob choked him while tears continued to fall and drip down his neck. 

Because you didn’t love him anymore, and you weren’t going to need him again and that fucking terrified him more than anything as he cried and fell back into his misery and wished that it was him kissing you, and wishing that you were here with him to catch him as he fell.

What if I’m down? What if I’m out? What if I'm someone you won’t talk about? I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again I'm fallin'...

[mistakenvilliany]

Episode 6

Ah Episode 6! As I watch these beginning ones again, I am just struck with how lost I was still in my first time through. I didn't know names, I didn't have context, l was just absorbing as much as I could while enjoying watching my babies struggle with themselves and each other. Now, I can see the build up of everything we're headed into, and how this period really becomes the "idyllic youth" for both (or all, really) of them. If everyone was able to at the end to sit down with one another they'd probably start off with "hey, do you remember that time in the Cloud Recesses..."

Anyway on to the more detailed thoughts:

• Nie Huaisang sneaking around after curfew with peanuts is not suspicious at all, nope

• Okay, I have to say it - these are not the cool kids in school, I don't know that there are ANY cool kids at this school, but these are nerds. Blocking the light with robes and a weak ass talisman, and waxing poetic about the flavor! of! the! wine! The cool kids cringed

• I love that Wei Wuxian's first instinct is always to embarrass his little brother, and poor Nie Huaisang asked the question so he deserves to be shoved around between them.

• My baby barges in, unannounced and is immediately "why didn't I get invited?" and "you are all getting punished, right now"

• My other baby "We did good today! Have a drink with me!" And that is a cutsleeve reference, you can't deny it. So basically, Lan Wangji kicks his way through the door and Wei Wuxian's immediate reaction is "I want to climb that like a tree!"

• Then as the others run away and by baby is immobilized by the talisman, WWX closes him in, and has him do shots, well one anyway and is somehow still surprised when that goes badly. My other baby can be so dumb.

• Let's put him to bed, try to help with proper positioning of accessories and then get into depressing conversations. That's Wei Wuxian's game, and it sucks. But then it works? I mean, he does wake up in that bed. (I know, I know)

• I love that Lan Qiren has seen Wei Wuxian multiple times and punished him almost all of them, and it's only now when Lan Xichen talks about him that he's like "who is this kid?" and then "Crap there's another one."

• Lan Xichen must think that stories about Cangse Sanren are the funniest thing ever, he didn't even try not to react. Who told him that story? Or is it just kinda written down in the logs, "visiting disciple Cange Sanren punished for the offense of shaving the beard of Lan Qiren without his consent"

• Lan Xichen "Wei Wuxian is great! Brings life to the place" Disciple "WWX got drunk last night on the forbidden alcohol" Lan Xichen "See? Such youthful exuberance" Disciple "Lan Wangji was found with him" Lan Xichen 😳 *shocked Pikachu noises*

• Lan Wangji races to the pavillion to get punished, and I know that we're supposed to be thinking it's because of the drinking, and disobeying the rules, but he's really there because he had impure thoughts about a boy and is hoping to have some sense knocked into him

• Punishment with my other baby is kinda hard. I have lots of feelings and not really funny thoughts about what punishment means to ADHD kids, and abused kids, and the complexity of being both, and I could probably write an essay (based only on personal and family experience), but it doesn't really fit here. Ask me about it later

• Lan Xichen: "you just got my brother in trouble, why don't you go join him for a bath? Nothing could go wrong with that, experience tells me this" 😉

• I really wish that someone would have sat Wei Wuxian down and told him stories of his parents, my baby doesn't know anything and doesn't know how he fits anywhere. Just knowing more about them would have put him on such a healthier path seeing as he would be able to take pride that he exists, that he is theirs, and that it means something special to be their son

• Hearing Wei Wuxian call his name Lan Wangji immediately thinks "I am not clothed enough to deal with this bane of my existence, I might display a *reaction* and now I must smother my feelings and ignore him"

• Lan Wangji does not get enough credit for being reckless, here he is, in a cave that he didn't have any clue existed, so let's just walk straight up to the instrument on the pedestal! I looks like it's so old! What have I found here, it's amazing! And oh shit it's attacking Wei Ying! What am I going to do? Yes, using my sacred headband and tying him to me is reasonable, it's only so he doesn't get killed. That is against the rules after all.

• This is the official first use of inquiry in the show, and it seems like it's a mystical connection with the spirit world/plane of existence. And we know from later that they go ahead and teach this method to kids. I wonder if any spirits get super frustrated like when you're on hold forever and then the rep you finally get can't even help you, or sometimes even understand the problem. Even if I just wanted something mundane, I would totally turn into a resentful spirit if I had to deal that

• Let's see, five soon-to-be great clans and four pieces of Yin Iron? Yeah, that makes sense

• Lan Qiren to Lan Xichen: "this is not like Wangji" Lan Xichen: "what are you really concerned about?" Lan Qiren: "a storm is coming" WTF! I already said that Lans suck at communication, but damn, you just could have said that you think they might have eloped

• I wish I understood better the illness that plagues Jiang Yanli, cause mostly it seems that they went "and she shall be weak for plot related reasons we refuse to justify" Jiang Yanli is my treasure, and I will not have her treated this way by the writers.

• Wei Wuxian is so damn excited to meet Lan Yi, it's so cute!

• Lan Wangji to Lan Yi: "forgive me, but aren't you dead?"

• So for our introduction to Yin Iron we find out several important things: 1) the clans had no idea how bad an idea of creating a taboo was. Forbidden knowledge always works out great for everyone 2) Yin Iron is not to be fucked with, and some idiot went and corrupted it about a thousand years ago and no one can undo it. 3) Baoshan Sanren and Lan Yi were together, and the mirror image of Wangxian 4) bunnies can live for hundreds of years if they wear headbands

[chiisai-fukurou]

About my hiatus :)

Long time no see... It has been a while since I published an article here...

A lot has happened and I think I cannot look at my blog the same way I did... I’ve been to Japan again last December and it was wonderful. I’ve spent a lot of time helping my friends and a lot of time visiting a neurologist for some troubles I’ve had for as long as I could think. It took a lot of time off of my schedule that I had to work hard to get back.

For a long time I had to fight with that feeling of being alien and not being able to fit in. For as long as I could think a lot of things just went over my head and I couldn’t fathom some things that happened around me. I cannot share a lot of things people around me think and talk about. There has been this suspicion that I’m autistic for a long time now so last year I decided to bite the bullet and get an appointment for a diagnosis.

It took 7 month of waiting for me to get to my first appointment. I chose a reputable neurologist/psychologist because I’m not a fan of “I think I have XX and just need a doctor to sign the diagnosis I made myself.” because if you want to improve your situation an accurate assessment of your current status is kind of paramount. I had several, hours long appointments that were quite costly but to me it was worth the time and money I paid for it. It was a very interesting experience too. There is a lot of testing and there are a lot of questions being asked to make sure it isn't something else causing you these troubles. There are a lot of things that can cause similar symptoms that are not autism. So carefully getting to the bottom of things takes time and multiple appointments to make sure that a bad or a good day didn't impact the diagnosis. I had to get a MRT too to make sure it is not brain damage that is causing the symptoms. I’m happy to declare that my brain is okay :) I’m however impartial to the diagnosis of autism/Aspergers.

I’m very happy I did this. The diagnosis allows me to get adequate help should I need it and it helps me understand my surroundings a lot better. The neurologist had a great analogy for my situation too: Autists have a different operating system running their hardware. Stimuli get processed in a very different way and there is no filter or automation happening that could help you with even simple conversations... Hence the seeming inability of autistic people to do smalltalk... Imagine the hell that human interaction can be, having to think of every sentence you say because you cannot do it casually or automatically, not being able to read the mood, knowing that you disappointed or hurt people without any chance of preventing it in the future... To many people this sounds weird and like I’m not even trying... I’m and the Neurologist told me I’m really well adapted but there are limits to how well one can adjust. Basically “normal” people have a social autopilot that handles a lot of things for them and autistic people don’t. We can never really relax in a social event because we get battered with details that we can't filter out. It’s tiring and yet I wish it wouldn't be tiring... because I wish to share things with friends and people. It took some time to get things sorted and deal with this experience.

I’m fine and in some way I felt liberated and happy I finally know what is up.

I had to weed out some connections that caused me grief and think of many things that happened in the past. A lot of things make sense now :)

I had an accident too this year breaking my left arm (;_;) and some stuff on my bicycle... I had a strained neck too... the surgeon didn't want to believe how quickly my bones healed (°_°;) The crack that ran through 75% of my Ulna wasn't visible or detectable anymore after 3 weeks...  The accident happened while I was riding at 40 km/h on my bicycle and touched a curb with the wheels... It happened after a long long day at work right when the whole COVID19 thing started to take off in Germany. I couldn’t get lunch at work and had spend the whole day on water with a empty tummy... I was tired, hungry and worn out. I just wanted to go home and didn't pay enough attention...

Anyway I’m fine now :) My bike is fine again too :)

However because of this a lot of tasks at work were piling up and when I came back I had to do a lot of stuff trying to get on top of things... Because I work at a company that makes medical devices the current situation kind of overwhelmed the company as well... basically we get as many orders per month as we used to get within a year... This is incredibly challenging as our suppliers often can't keep up with the demand but I’m very happy to report that everyone of them is doing their best to keep up and to stay on top of the whole situation :,) I’m happy i can do my small part in saving lives and I think that a company where people stick together and try to do their best in trying times is incredibly valuable :)

Last year, while travelling through Japan, I once again noticed how awful tourist spots have become (-_-) Japan is close to my heart and I like the country and its people a lot. Many tourists behave badly, not out of ill intent but out of ignorance... Japanese value quiet, peaceful and clean behaviour but a lot of tourists seem to be unable to behave this way... They litter, leave toilets behind that are disgusting, are rude, don’t pay attention and seem to think Japan is a theme park. I like this country and I’m saddened that other foreigners tarnish the image of visitors and are taking advantage of incredibly kind people who welcome you as a guest :,( I felt bad that I wrote all those articles that might have inspired this kind of people to go to Japan :,( I want this kind of people to stay at home. You're ruining it for everyone else. My friends cheered me up a lot. Still the sight of drunken tourists puking on Takao-San in Tokyo or yelling loudly in a group at a shrine, throwing their cigarets and garbage on the streets in Kyoto, running through the streets while yelling or necessitating the fencing in of neighbourhood shrines because some dippshit thought it would be fun to put graffiti on them makes me incredibly sad. I’m sorry for the negativity but this has been troubling me a lot.

I received some questionable messages too... I’m a guy but some people seemed to assume that I’m a Japanese girl for some reason... 

Anyway I kind of came to terms with things and will start writing again.

I hope people will become more respectful over time :)

I’m sorry for the rant I put in this article m(_ _)m I felt like I had to get it off of my chest because this has been bothering me a lot.

P.S. if you think autism is caused by vaccines, being autistic is better than being dead or to suffer from the consequences of an otherwise preventable disease. You do not “get” autism, one of the conditions that has to be met to get a diagnosis is that you had to have symptoms right from the start. Things that can cause similar symptoms are brain damage, PTSD, ADHD (you are born with that  too and cannot get it) and certain medications. These however are different from autism in that they have to be treated differently. Hence the focus during diagnosis on making sure not to diagnose one of the other things as autism. I showed symptoms for as long as I can think back. 

I hope you’ll forgive me for my long absence and won't change your attitude towards me :)

I’m still me albeit more confident and accepting of myself since I don't need to pester myself with questions like “why didn't i understand that.”, “Why can't I do that?”, etc. :)

Thank you to everyone who read through all of this :) I wish you a great time with sweet daydreams (^-^)/

[celestenicolegarcia]

Valentines Day

Valentines Day. A day where people celebrate being in love or having someone to love on. Usually when we think of Valentines Day, we think of spending time with our significant other and having sweet treats and great food. People that are alone however, tend to either be on the spectrum of hating Valentines Day or not even caring about it because it's a government holiday. The annoyed single people hate it because of the sappy couple postings, cheesy romantic comedies, stalking their ex’s profiles to see what they're doing, and themselves spending it alone. 

As a single person myself I can honestly say that I am not upset that I am single this Valentines Day. Maybe its just me getting older and not caring about having someone or maybe I’ve just been tired of the men I have been dating that I don’t feel the need to date anymore. Most of my life I have been in relationships that have the length of 6 months to 3 years being the longest. As far as being in love, I can recall myself truly being in love with a man twice in my lifetime. One was my high school sweetheart and the other was a guy I dated a few years ago, neither shall I say were something I want today, A Godly man.

I don’t know about you but I have had my fair share of men throughout my life. Before I came to know Christ, I was in and out of relationships faster than you could imagine. Some weren’t even real relationships and they were mostly hookups. I did sleep around for money, food, drugs, or just simply wanted the affection. Don’t get it twisted though, even when I found Christ when I was 24 years old I did have a few slip-ups. I still had sex but this time it was within a relationship so I thought it was “okay” since we were together. I just look back at that girl and think man... why didn’t you just run to Jesus when you were lonely? why a warm body? what was going on at home that you had to run off? why did you disobey your parents and screw up your friendships?

A lot of these questions were hard to think of at the time but I simply didn’t care. I just thought since I believed and gave my life to Jesus I was okay and going to heaven. But I was wrong now looking back. Talk about someone who was lost and just wanting a quick fix of affection but not wanting to go to the source. I would always tell myself that I was perfect and that it was the men always screwing up, now I look back at that girl and say get off your high horse and look in the mirror because you are no saint. You are a lukewarm christian trying to make it in the world and not even looking up at the father, only looking at yourself. And that was the breaking point for me to start turning my life around and taking my life more seriously as well as my relationship with God. Attending bible study, going to church, having accountability partners, and managing my own mental health with therapy. Believe me, when I started looking at Jesus and not of the worldly standards my life got clearer but harder at the same time. When you give your life up for Jesus its not always going to be easy, the more you reach up to Him the more the devil is going to wanna block you from your blessings.

 Would you believe me if I told you that I said I’ve never been proposed to? I’m 28 now about to be 29 and I just think to myself sometimes ...why? I’m a good looking woman, attending school online to get my masters degree for psychology, attending church and bible studies, working a part time job doing my hair business since I have my cosmetology license, and I am pretty nice and shall I say funny. Let me tell you, the thoughts of feeling not good enough have come into my mind but I know those are not pure or the right thoughts that Jesus wants me to be thinking. Don’t even get me started on my family members asking me when I’m going to have a baby or pressuring me to adopt. Before you start thinking let me stop you right there and say I love children. I think they are the cutest little people in the world but right now kids are the very last thing on my mind!

I want to encourage you and encourage myself as I feel the Holy Spirit is within me typing up this blog to let you know that you don’t need to be swooped up like in those Disney movies to be truly happy. Let me also say that if you are married or in a relationship am I by no means trying to knock down your union with your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9 “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep war,. But how can one keep warm alone?” Marriage is a union and should be sacred. Honor your husband and honor your wife, you both are a team made in the image of our Holy Father.

God created us to love one another no matter what. Even if someone else is having what you wish you had, let them be happy in their life. Love them and support them. Be a good friend and helping hand. Whenever you get angry or jealous of someone else's success remember that God isn't finished with you yet! He has more blessings coming your way and just because you aren’t happy yourself does not mean you take out your personal feelings on others. If someone is mean to you or belittling you because you express how you don’t wanna be alone or hurt because you and your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up, take the high road. Don’t let anyone steal your joy because joy can only come from the Lord and no one else. He is after all the one who created happiness! 

I remember when I would take things so personally and I would want to hurt the people who have hurt me. Even if they did deserve to be punished, I know the one who has that power to give me justice. I have yet to type down my testimony on here but I will when I have the time because its pretty lengthy but you will see why I think the way that I do now. Before I used to hold grudges really badly towards the people who have hurt me. When I tell you I have been through the wringer, I mean it. I have been sexually abused by people who I thought would never hurt me, I have been verbally abused by people who I thought would never hurt me and last by not least I have both been verbally and sexually abused from people I hardly even knew. I have been told I am scum of the earth and no one will want me and I have also been told that no one is going to want leftover goods. I have been sexually assaulted in a place of work. I have been raped by a few men in my past. Some I knew and some I didn’t. All those things have stuck with me but they do not define me. The only one who defines me is Jesus Christ and thank God I have a savior because I can’t live this life all by myself, If I try I would probably would have died by now. I have in the past held these situations in my heart and it has caused me so much pain. Trust me, I wanted revenge but I never got it. Then God really brought me down to a place where I forgave them and myself. My anger cannot bring justice for what they have done, only God can. One movie that really sticks out to me is The Shack, now that is a good movie to watch about forgiveness. If you have time, check it out because you won't regret it.

Another verse comes to mind for me is Luke 6 27-33 “But to you who are willing to listen I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also.Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from. you, don’t try to get them back. Do to others as you would like them to do to you. If you only love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much!”

Jesus said that when we love people even when they have hurt us. We have to be the ones that rise up from the earthy things going on in the world. I know I tended to go a little off topic but days like this remind me of my past and it brings me to the present. I want to let you know that you aren't alone today. You do have a valentine and his name is Jesus Christ. He will always be perfect. He will never leave you. He will always be there for you no matter what time of the day or night it is. He will never call you names or do things to hurt you, only help you become the best version of yourself. Valentines Day is a fun holiday but it does not define who love truly is. Love is a person and His name is Jesus. I encourage you to reach out to someone today, even if you aren’t feeling like it. Tell someone you love them today and you are there for them. Tell them that you are thinking of them. Jesus loves you and He will never let you go. I remember when my pastor said this line and ill never forget it. “Once you let Him in, He won't move out!” and I firmly believe that til the day I die. 

If you haven’t already and you would like to give your life to Jesus today repeat after me. Jesus, I need you. I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be. But I need a savior and I’m ready for my life to change for the better. Take me out of myself and let me live the life you promised for me. I love you. I accept you into my life. I welcome you. Amen.

Thank you for taking the time to read my second blog post! I really enjoy doing these posts. They help me vent what I feel and I want to let someone know that they are loved today! 

Much love,

Celeste

[drethanramslay]

Part 2: Therapy

Pairing: Aurora x MC ( Iris Everette)

Word count: 3.2K words

Previous part is here

Warning: Includes triggers like eating disorders and mental illnesses

Tagging: @miyakokurono @agent-breakdance @trappedinfandoms @vampiregirlsblog @lilyofchoices (let me know if you want to be tagged😊)

Songs: Therapy by All Time Low and Feelings by Lauv

Forgive me if I make any mistakes 🙈

Aurora stood in the kitchen, tapping her fingers on the kitchen island. It was six in the morning and she knew that her roomates would be waking up in the next half an hour so that they get ready and head to the hospital.

Aurora just don't stand there like a mannequin, move your ASS.

Aurora wanted to make breakfast for her roommates as a gesture of thanks for letting them stay with her for the past three months. She also wanted to impress Iris. Not that the ship had sunk but, she wanted to reciprocate for all the cute gestures she had done so far. Like buying her breakfast at iHOP and having Disney movie marathons, cuddling in her bed.

It had been three weeks since Iris was discharged from the hospital. God, she was a horrible patient. That girl had the audacity to show up in her hospital gown, dragging the saline with her for her rounds at 5am in the morning.

And that's not it.

When they sent her to her room to sleep, they ended up finding her with Amar, her nine year old patient. She was CHECKING on him apparently. It was a joy ride for Dr. Ramsey to explain the parents why their doctor was roaming around in a hospital gown, looking like a lunatic who escaped from the psychiatric ward. It was hilarious to see Ramsey getting worked up over Iris, like a mother hen.

It was so hard to deal with her stubborn nature but there were good times as well. Times like when Aurora would feed her the bland hospital food. Or the times when they played that question game.

Aurora learnt a lot over those two days in the hospital. Things like how Iris was a valentine baby. Or how she loved playing the piano, guitar and singing, her obsession with KitKat and the list goes on and on.

What Aurora enjoyed the most, was sleeping and cuddling with Iris. Aurora craved Iris every night after that, but she didn't dare say it loud so that she didn't look clingy.

And here she was, trying to make breakfast. She settled on making bacon.

How hard could it be?

Well, she got her answer when she almost set the fire alarm. "ARGH YOU PIECE OF-" Aurora shouted in frustration. Smoke was everywhere and she opened the windows to let most of it out.

She looked at the burnt bacon and grimaced. "Stupid goddamn pig!"

Her roommates stepped out, groggy with tired eyes. "What's burning?" Sienna asked.

"Outta the way! I have a fire extinguisher." Elijah said as he zoomed towards the kitchen. He was going so fast that it almost seemed like he was gonna do a wheelie on his wheelchair.

Aurora held her hands up. "Whoa whoa! Calm down everybody...I just burnt breakfast."

"Awww...you wanted to surprise us with breakfast??" Iris cooed as she leaned on the counter, her voice groggy and her eyes sleepy. "Key word being 'wanted'. I know you all have been so nice to me...so I just wanted to return the gesture." Aurora pouted.

Iris just giggled and walked around the island counter. "You are so precious, Rory." She kissed Aurora on the cheek.

Aurora was taken aback. She felt her face heating up and thanked the lord that her dark skin covered her blush.

"Oh god.. Can y'all stop being cute for like a minute?" Jackie groaned but, she could see the teasing glint in her eyes.

Iris just rolled her eyes. "Ignore her Rory. What if I teach you how to achieve prime crispy bacon?" Iris asked as she dumped the pan in the sink and took out a new one.

Aurora smiled. "Yeah, that would be nice."

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Aurora had finished checking in on her patients by two p.m and she headed towards the cafeteria to have her lunch. She wasn't that hungry but she knew that she won't get an opportunity to eat later.

She made sure her pager was on so that she could have constant updates on the patient in room 304, that had arrived this morning.

It was a teen girl who had swallowed a fork. When she sat to speak with her, she learnt that the teen had eaten her lunch and headed to the bathroom so that she could puke.

"How did you end up swallowing the fork?" Aurora asked Elyanna when she was awake and conscious.

"I kept on trying...but it didn't work...so I tried to go deeper and- it got stuck."

Aurora shut her eyes as she felt a pang in her heart. This case hit home. Reminding her of the vicious cycle of her eating disorder she had to break, all by herself. Her father brushed it off as a puberty thing and her mother actually congratulated her when she became thin and weak.

She loved her parents, despite them treating her like a trophy child, who always complained about how what she was doing wasn't enough. She even got a chewing down by her parents when she didn't make the diagnostics team. But she didn't care, because Iris deserved it completely.

I mean, they are your parents, you can't hate them. They brought you into this world. Right?

She finished her salad and coke while she scrolled through the phone, making a list of rehab programs which she thought Elyanna would like. Crushing her can, she headed towards the room.

"Hey, Ellie. How are you feeling?" Aurora asked kindly as she opened the chart.

"Wierd." Aurora looked at the blue eyes and raised her eyebrow.

"Like I have eaten a hearty meal. And I am satisfied." The frail girl said with a small smile.

"Never thought I would hear that about hospital food." She chuckled and the girl giggled.

"But on a serious note, I am happy and proud of you."

"For eating a meal?"

"Yes. See, I know what it's like. I-" Aurora took a deep breath, "I too, used to binge eat and then puke it all out. Somedays, I would starve myself as a punishment. The day when I decided that 'No, we are going to stop this right here right now' and ate a good meal, I felt... liberated."

"I also want to be liberated from this but it's like an addiction...the need to look thin and beau-" the girl stammered.

"No! Don't for a second think that you are not beautiful. Don't let society's image of small breasts, thin waist determine beauty. Beauty is what comes from within. Beauty is not covering up your scars, but wearing it like a goddamn medal. Beauty is fighting for yourself. Beauty is loving yourself. Beauty is breaking the stereotypes and being your own person. So promise me, you won't give a shitty excuse that you want to be beautiful." Aurora said assertively.

"Okay. I promise." The girl said, with a small smile.

"Good."

"So what are the steps from here on? I want to change and reset. I want to be the better version of Elyanna Johnson. Ellie 2.0"

"Well, first of all, you are all cleared to go home. You can choose which rehabilitation program you want. Then it's your path to rediscovering by yourself."

"I can choose??" The girl was bewildered, which showed that she really didn't have much choices in her life. That she was kept under contol, not allowed to have any freedom.

Aurora smiled. "Yes you can. We can talk to your parents, if you want."

"That would be amazing. Thank you so much doctor."

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"Your daughter has been diagnosed with purging disorder, and it has been confirmed by Dr. Francis, our resident psychiatrist." Aurora said to the parents, as they stood outside Elyanna's room.

"Purging?" The mother, Mrs. Washington asked.

"You daughter has been having eating disorders. It means that after eating, she forces herself to vomit. She was using the fork to induce it, but it slipped causing her to swallow and choke on it."

"Oh my god. How could I not notice it?" The mother gasped. Aurora rolled her eyes internally. She knew how oblivious her parents had been. In the last two hours, Ellie had opened up about them and Aurora was just plain disgusted.

Well, you would have noticed if you weren't so engrossed in your manicures and kitty parties.

"Eating disorders? That's just bullshit." Mr. Washington scoffed.

Aurora was taken aback. You gotta be kidding me..

"Sir, it's a real concerning matter. If untreated, it can lead to a tonnes of mental disorde-"

"Please. My girl Ellie has always been a tad dramatic. This is just a phase." He waved his hands dismissively.

"Sir, with all due respect, this is a very serious condition which requires rehab and thera-"

"Rehab??!! Therapy??!! What will our community think?? They will shun us." Mrs Washington exclaimed.

Mr. Washington placed a hand on his wife's shoulder, calming her silently before he turned his hard gaze at Aurora. "Dr. Emery. With all due respect, I know my daughter for the last seventeen years. A trip to our priest, will make all this- drama go away. Can we take her home?"

"But-" Aurora started before being interrupted by Mr. Washington. "Answer me."

Aurora gritted her teeth, counting till ten so that she could control the overwhelming need to punch the oblivious man's face.

"Yes."

Mrs. Washington clapped her hands. "Wonderful. C'mon honey, let's give out daughter the news." Aurora just stared through the window, looking at the spirit of the young girl, slowly draining out of her.

And she hated every second of it.

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Aurora was in the new resident's lounge, taking a nap. She had been on her feet all day, running from one corner to another. Her legs were throbbing and were sore. She draped her coat over her face so that she could block out the light.

"What's up Big A?" Bryce asked as he threw himself on the other couch, groaning at the relief his back felt when it touched the soft cushions. He had had a tough neurosurgery which had extended for five hours. His hands were cramping from holding the clamps in place while Dr. Harper Emery worked her magic.

"Shut up Queen B. I want to nap." Aurora mumbled incoherently. Bryce just shook his head and closed his eyes. After a long moment, aurora broke the silence. "I'm scared."

"For what?"

"For my patient. I think she is suicidal."

"Why? Is she alone at the moment? Because if she is then we need someone checking on her continuously." Bryce said urgently. He knew how vulnerable these moments are.

"I have Danny checking on her every fifteen minutes. I think her parents broke her. Like... She has an eating disorder and she was completely on board to go to rehab and get well... but her parents, GOD THEY ARE SO INFURIATING. The mom is spineless, only worried about what other people think.. and the dad is so backward and refuses to believe that eating disorders are a thing. He thinks that a visit to the pastor will fix this." Aurora scoffs.

"Oh my-" Bryce was interrupted by the beeping of Aurora's pager. When she looked at the message, she bolted for the door. "Lahela, you are with me.  They are running a code on my patient."

"I'm with you." They both ran down the hallways and reached room 304. On entering the room they saw red. Red blood pooling on the side of the bed, while Ellie shook, vomiting.

"What the hell happened?" Aurora barked. "She just started puking blood not two minutes ago." The nurse said as they held the tray near her mouth.

"That's not supposed to happen, everything was fine when I checked an hour ago." Aurora ran around the bed and checked the vitals. Ellie had stopped puking and looked at Aurora and wheezed, "I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore."

"Ellie WHAT DID YOU DO?!!!"

"Um, Big A?" Bryce called her. Aurora turned her head, eyes flashing. "I think I know how." He picked up the empty wrapper.

"I think she swallowed the scalpel."

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After a harrowing hour of surgery, Aurora marched towards the parents who were sitting in the waiting room. She walked up to them and showed them the bloodied scalpel, in a sealed plastic bag. "What is this supposed to mean?" Mr. Washington asked.

"This is what your daughter swallowed so that she could die."

The mother gasped while the father's jaw dropped. "Can't you see how serious this is? How this is bigger than any of us?" Aurora said in a cold voice.

"I-I- I didn't know.." the parents stuttered. "No. You do not get the right to say that. You damn well knew what was happening and chose to ignore medical advice. And it almost cost your daughter's life!!" Aurora spat out.

"We will heed by it from now on." Mr. Washington replied somberly, with teary eyes.

"You damn well should otherwise I-" Aurora began but she was interrupted by a voice. "Dr. Emery, can you help me with a patient?" Iris asked. Aurora sighed. "Yes Dr. Everette. I'm right behind you." Aurora sent a last poisonous glare their way before following Iris.

Iris dragged them into an empty on-call room, and locked the door. "Now tell me Rory, what happened?"

So Aurora spills about the events of the day, speaking so passionately, that Iris was blown away. She did not once interrupt her, intertwining their fingers and squeezing them to encourage her.

"I am just so pissed, I feel like breaking something." Aurora hissed. "Well...why don't you punch this...um...pillow?" Iris offered. Aurora stared for moment. "What? I don't have anything else to offer?!" Aurora just chuckled, tension slowly leaving her body.

"Okay, I will punch the shit out of this pillow." Iris stood up and held the pillow in front of her. Aurora landed a series of jabs and hard punches on it. They were so powerful that they pushed Iris towards the wall. When she felt her back against the wall she knew it was time to stop otherwise Aurora might end up punching her through the wall.

"Timeout!! Damn Rory, how did you learn to fight like that?"

"Been doing MMA for the last seven years. It helps deal with stress." Iris hummed and then sat on the bed. She pulled Aurora to sit in her lap, in such a way that her legs were thrown over Iris' thighs and she was facing Iris.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"I have seen you work with patients before and you are very passionate about it, no doubt. But this is affecting you way more than usual... See, I don't want to be pry but, why?"

Aurora sighed. "Because seven years ago, I was her." Iris held her hands and squeezed, encouraging her.

"As you know, my family is practically royalty. My mother is an actress and dad's a surgeon. They were always in the limelight and that meant that I was too. So how I appeared was important to them. And I hated how I looked, overweight and ugly. Sometimes, I still do."

"Rory, you are not fat."

"Right now, no. But, then I was a little plump. I was a nerd, kept to myself, stayed at home all day. My parents didn't like that. They would continuously throw jabs at me like, 'Aurora, you ar so fat that you could break the weighing scale' or like 'Aurora I am surprised you haven't hogged the entire pantry' or my personal favourite, 'Aurora you are such a collosal waste of space. You don't do any activities, you just sit in your room on that damn phone of yours, not doing anything constructive'... When the actual truth was that I was busy reading medical articles, making notes.

I had tried working out but people would snicker and laugh. I was so goddamn tired. I was never enough. My parents were never satisfied. I know they cared for me and that they loved me but some days, the snide remarks would just become so..."

"Loud." Iris completed the sentence.

"So, I started starving myself. As a punishment for not being good enough. They would feed me and I would throw it up in my bathroom, because I wasn't deserving. I hated myself and I couldn't look at my reflection because the ugly would just jump out." Aurora was crying quietly.

Iris let her cry. Let her mourn over her past self. Letting her make peace with her young self.

"My neighbour, a sweet old lady, pointed out that I was way too weak. And I knew that I had taken it far. So I decided to stop this vicious cycle. I seeked help from a psychiatrist and started MMA."

"It's been seven years...but I don't think you recover from such a thing ever. I think a small part of me will always loathe myself. That I am still the weak, pathetic and fat girl. What is that saying? 'Once a fat kid, always a fat kid.'" Aurora shook her head and tears streamed down her face.

"Can I say something?" Iris asked as she cupped Aurora's face. She wiped the tears, and tucked stray pieces of hair that had escaped her immaculate bob cut, behind her ear. "I think you are the strongest-" she kissed Aurora's left cheek "-the bravest" she proceeded to kiss her right cheek "-the prettiest" she kissed her forehead "-and the smartest woman I have ever seen." She kissed her on the nose and Aurora giggled.

"I am lucky to know you Aurora. I look up to you and I love the way you don't let your past define you. Everyday I learn something new from you, and it inspires to be a better person. And I like all of you. The silly, the practical, the ugly and the happy."

Aurora was swooning. Her feelings for Iris just bubbled to the surface. Her heart was bursting for the green eyes girl in front for her.

And in that moment she knew, that she was the one for her. Aurora surged forward and pressed her lips to hers.

Iris was shocked so as to say. To think that Aurora would like her, baffled her. She will leave you when she gets to know... She returned the kiss, tenderly, holding onto Aurora, as if she would vanish. That this was just a dream.

The sweet kiss turned into a passionate one. Both of them poured their feelings into the kiss. Pouring their dreams and their fears. It was euphoria, rushing through their veins, igniting their bodies. Iris pulled Aurora closer to her, to feel everything. Her hands roamed, memorising the curves, the dips, the way their lips moved in perfect synchrony, like two halves uniting as a whole.

Both of them knew that there was no going back from here.

They eventually broke apart, so that they could catch their breath. Iris pecked her lips once, twice, thrice. "So, you like me huh?" Aurora asked breathless.

Iris chuckled and gave a soft smile. "Well I don't go around kissing people like that. So I think this is a clear indicator that I like you..."

"So will you date me?" Aurora asked hopefully.

"Obviously Rory. But I would like to ask you out properly if you don't mind."

"I will be waiting."

This was so hard to write... It's hard when your own parents just brush off your fears and worries...it's hard...that shouldn't discourage you, reach out to your friends and make your own support system.... If you want to talk my dms are always open

Anyways, let me know how you liked it.

Like and reblog :))

[jae-daddy]

Holic (how it would’ve continued)

Holic l masterlist

the first part is backstory, and then the next part is breif summaries of how the chapters would’ve gone. Hope y’all enjoy it <3

not edited 

one:

The first thing we need to understand is the character. For me, she was broken. The cliche of rich parents who don’t have time for their kid was one of the main shaping tools for her. I can’t remember if its obvious or not, but y/n was kidnapped when she was younger, and none of her own family members had noticed. Instead, it was her maid, who she was close to, but her parents fired her after some time. So, most of her childhood she felt unloved. 

Also, she was kidnapped when she was in her teens. The timeline is a bit fucked, cause I didn’t plan well so, god bless lol. But she gets kidnapped, and it was a hard and traumatic experience for her. She wasn’t even given the opportunity to express that experience because it was just swept under the rug. A few days after she had returned, her parents continued to celebrate her sister’s birthday. Which isn’t a bad thing, but she spends it in her room, crying, and no one comes to check up on her. 

A few months later Jaebum and her meet at the ball, and she tells him that she doesn’t like him. She was just protecting herself.

The main characteristic about her is that she’s always trying to protect someone or something. She married Jaebum to protect the honour of their families, then she tells Jaebum not to do anything that will ruin their image in front of the public, and to respect her. And then, when she finds her hoe sister, she tries to protect her after knowing it was their mother forcing her to go through with the wedding when she was in love and pregnant with someone else’s baby. 

But mostly, she was protective of herself. She didn’t want to seem weak or show any vulnerability. She keeps on saying it's so people can’t use it against her, but its actually just so she doesn’t get hurt. She doesn’t want to get her expectations up. She doesn’t want to imagine, she doesn’t want to wonder or trust another human with her emotions and feelings because it never worked for her since she was a kid. 

so the future story would’ve gone:

y/n would’ve gotten pretty for the date with Jaebum, but her secretary brings photos of Jaebum and his secretary doing the dirty at the office. The outfit that Jaebum is wearing is the coat that she split milk on by mistake that one night. It was new, and then it was ruined so that was the only time he wore it after they were married, after she had asked him not to do anything stupid, after he had been nice to her, and before he did all this, and claimed to be in love with her, he was fucking his secretary. 

y/n thought she needed some time to collect herself, so she cancelled the date, and moved out. After like a week Jaebum and her go to a party. And this chapter would’ve been from Jaebum’s point of view. y/n would’ve been ignoring him and pretending like he didn’t exist. But she was still being civil and acting to be in love when someone came by, especially this old couple who they needed to finance their new business plan. So while y/n is trying to control her anger, and not rip Jaebum’s head off. Jaebum is completely oblivious to this and in his mind, he just thinks of how much he loves her. He looks at her and all he sees is beauty and an angel. He looks at her as she speaks to people, as she laughs, as she stands, the slope of her neck, her eyes and everything about her makes him feel like that kid back at the balcony of her parents anniversary. He was in love with her since then. It was her red heels that broke his heart and made him cold to everyone. And it was her that was laughing at him for having a red heel fetish. It wasn’t the fetish, it was the memory of her breaking his heart in two, and the necklace he had gotten for her the same fate that night. As he is looking at her, the old man says that love like her comes only once and to hold on to her. Jaebum already knew that. He knew it from the moment that she had walked away, he knew it when they walked down the alter. He knew it as she came and stood in front of him, her eyes dazed with intoxication from too many champagnes, her lips painted pink. He knew it, as he was still stuck where they had left off. He was in love with her. 

y/n wakes up at her house but finds that she is not alone. Jaebum is there waiting for you in the kitchen with oatmeals (your fav breakfast). You turn away from the dish and tell him to leave. He asks you what’s up, and you tell him to leave. Jaebum thinks you’re in a mood, and gives you a hug, chuckling and saying ‘okay, ill leave, you duckling. but have breakfast first.’ you push him away. You didn’t want to eat anything, you felt like vomiting. How could he say he loved you when he had been sticking his dick inside other girls. The thing that made it worse is that you didn’t know if this was still going on. If after every night that he held you close, he ran off in the morning into the arms of another and stuck his dick inside of them. You felt sick, hurt, but most of all stupid. Stupid for starting to fall into his trap, for letting go, for wanting to believe that what Jaebum and you had was real. that for one minute he had truly loved you. it was all just a mess now and you didn’t know what was right and wrong. You were hurt and so so so fucking angry, and the last thing you needed was Jaebum pretending to do whatever that he was doing. Jaebum reached out for you again but you pushed him. “Don't fucking come near me you asshole!” you sneered at him, your eyes raging. Jaebum didn’t understand what was going on, he looked sad. He was like baby what's wrong. You tried to walk away, but he pulled you back and asked you to tell him. So you were like fucking fine. You grabbed the envelope from the counter and dumped the photos onto the counter. Jaebum sees the photo and goes pale. You try not to cry and tell him “This was after our marriage. After that night at the party, this is what you were doing after sending me home. This was the night after our wedding Jaebum. Now, I know we don’t have any relationship like a husband and wife, but i just asked for one thing respect. I told you not to do anything stupid that could ruin this. Before you ask, I wasn’t spying on you. Some third-grade gossip journalist dropped this by my office. Next time you do something like this be careful. It isn’t just your life anymore.” Jaebum didn’t really have an explanation, because he did cheat on you, but that was the last time.  You leave the room and tell him to get out of your house. 

you knew what you were doing was wrong but you couldn’t help it. You wanted to hurt him, but more than that, you wanted to erase Jaebum. So. you hit up your old flame. Now, it was common knowledge that eventually (if your sister hadn’t run away) next in line would’ve been you and Jackson. You had known him since you were a kid, and he was like a friend more than anything else. But he was also very very attractive. And y’all sitting there having dinner at a restaurant, and then guess who walks in. That’s right Jaebum. And he is jealous. At first, you are too, seeing that pretty girl with him, but soon it doesn’t bother you cause he’s not even looking at her. All his attention is on you and Jackson. After a bit, you excuse yourself to the bathroom, and as you get out a man pulls you into the corner. You get scared and think you’ll keep on getting dragged away into a van, and then locked up in another dark room. But its just Jaebum, and you relax for a moment and hug him. You wanna cry, but you just hold him. Jaebum holds you tight and whispers “I miss you so much Y/n, please come back.” You snap back and push him away, and tell him to fuck off. He tells you that he’s sorry and that that night was the only time this happened, and it never happened after it and it will never happen again. He loves you, he told you. And you told him to go eat shit and started to walk away. He held your wrist and pulled you close to him. Your chest pressed against each other, as Jaebum pushed you against the wall and leaned forward. “You know, playing with boys like that won’t help. You can’t rid of me and what we have. You can’t go around fucking boys y/n” “I could say the same to you, but you’ve already been fucking other hoes, so I won't lose my breath over it. Let me go, and stay out of my life.” You and Jackson walk out, you sit in his car and tell him to drop you home. 

You get kidnapped. Jaebum saves you, because of special powers (special police) lol. You both cry and confess your love. You realise that while being scared of having love let you down or having your heart broken, or having it taken away; it's better to just love. so you forget and forgive and decide to live each day happy instead of safely. 

After months of therapy, and talking about your troubles you’re doing much better. You and Jaebum are going stronger than ever. And you both have such a cute boy. He’s like a taking no shit, don’t read me bullshit fairytales, but scared of clowns adorable little kid. Aww he’s so cute. And he brushes his hair to the side and tucks his shirt in, such a fucking cute boss nerd. And you both love this kid a lot, and you love each other a lot too. Even though it wasn’t the most romantic beginning to a love story, but as it was going right now it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because you loved him with all your heart hiding nothing and showing everything, and Jaebum doing the same. 

In the end, happy ending. I’m sorry I couldn’t finish this story. Maybe if i had planned it better it’d be easier lol. Sorry for plot holes or if i missed something. I had fun playing with story, and seeing all of y’all react to it. 

Thank you for all you love and support.