#ill see you when i see you. which will be in hell
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oh im obsessed with this actually… who ever wrote this one i am kissing u on the forehead and hugging you real tight… inigo is such a loverboy im kkkhhhhhhijnsdnfng
#ann plays awakening#EDITING TO SAY I STARTED TAG VENTING HIT READMORE AT YOUR OWN RISK#anyways#LAST LINE IS A KILLERRRR WOW#‘ann werent you just pairing olivia with thar—‘ OLIVIA IS A BUSY WOMAN OKAY#but also i just had this old save file from when i wanted to see pink inigo and decided to get some more supports#im obsessed actually like#ok tag venting time maybe this should be its own post but u guys know who i am#not only does this support in my very educated opinion do a good job at emulating inigo’s way of speaking#but i think theres also a very underrated characteristic he has that not a lot of people talk about and its that hes honestly quite morbid#him spending hours talking to and dancing with his mother’s grave is very beautiful and moving but it is also not a normal way to grieve#which makes sense because duh nothing about his life is normal but its j like. you know#if robin is his father (and maybe j the normal convo i dont remember) in the hot springs scramble he’ll insist upon bringing—#severed risen limbs home as a way to remember the peacefulness (lol) of the springs#and he thinks absolutely nothing of it!!#i think he gets attached to things just a little too intensely and because his life is surrounded by death how he expresses that can be#very interesting. and he talks about death all time more than the other kids#bc while a lot of their coping mechanisms are based in fear and the need to instill confidence in themselves (think cyn or gerome or owain#or sev or yarne or noire)#and how their SCARED of death and of loss and adapt different behaviors to act like theyre not (to varying degrees of success)#i think inigo is much more accepting of the fact that death follows him and has made it a normal presence in his life#which is not a good thing it means that he hasnt let himself grieve. he lets death hang over him and follow him instead of pushing back#also guess which one of the awakening trio in fates has the canonical story death. just by the way lmao#anyways bc im writing this in the tags on my phone i cant actually see what the hell ive been saying im j stream of consciousnessing this#but my point is that inigo has a weird fixation on death and dying that stems from his inability to make peace with death and grieve#and i think him idolizing death in this support (this BRILLIANT fan support that made me ill) is so in character and so lovely#i miss him so bad (hes literally in the photos im posting) grghhhrgah#i wuv him :(
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wanna ask how you feel about the eridan bpd headcanon/theory(?? not sure what to call it!) you're so good at your character analysis and i'd love to see your outlook on it
Since I don't have a degree or any formal training in psychology, I feel deeply uncomfortable diagnosing characters. I've made an autism joke before but only because I'm on the spectrum. He's definitely traumatized and anxious, but I mean those as descriptors of his behavior rather than capital-D Diagnoses. I try to focus on those when I can - the cause and effect of cognition, self-image, and behavior - and those factors may very well match up with DSM criteria, but I try not to touch an actual diagnosis with a ten foot pole unless the author has explicitly stated that X character has Y condition.
#there's a variety of reasons for this#part of it is that im GROSSLY unqualified to be handing out diagnoses when it takes a full on PhD to do that in real life#part of it is that psychology is inchoate and we are still very much in murky waters#for example: complex ptsd isn't even IN the DSM yet#and iirc my therapist told me it was because theyre still figuring out how to classify it (attachment disorder? trauma disorder? etc.)#part of it is that (from my limited and undereducated understanding) there are diagnoses that you can assign by completing a checklist...#but some that require a hell of a lot more testing and ruling out other potential causes#and the cluster-b personalities are (IIRC) not even ones you're supposed to diagnose minors with#bc of fears of self fulfilling prophecy and because minors in general are still developing personalities In General#and like the fact that i can't say that with authority speaks to how unqualified i am to do any diagnosing right? hahaha#and part of it is just because like#unless the story is specifically About That and the author has stated so explicitly#i think diagnosing characters tends to put blinders on analysis#like if i were to seriously go 'eridan is autistic' then it would massively bias my reading and understanding of his character#and we have 0 indication that eridan was ever explicitly intended to be autistic or that the author was trying to do an autism specifically#that doesn't mean that the reading is invalid because like thats what death of the author means#all readings are technically valid including stuff the author didn't necessarily intend#but that's just not the way i like to engage with media and not the way i like to approach character analysis#because PERSONALLY it just feels kind of reductive - but also -#i'd wager MOST of us don't have degrees in psychology#so when i say 'X character has Y condition' it might mean something totally different to somebody reading my analysis#even people who have Y condition aren't exempt because a lot of mental illnesses differ from person to person#whereas if i explain “X character has Y thoughts and Z behaviors” there's no ambiguity in that#eridan struggles with noticing that people are suffering and with realizing that he should care#at least part of this is due to his horrific murder-filled upbringing which rendered empathy a detriment & so he learned to ignore it#it could be autism - but it could also be trauma -#or he might just be Like That without actually meeting the diagnostic criteria for autism#& you can't even technically be diagnosed with C-PTSD#or maybe he has a burgeoning personality disorder but you aren't supposed to DX those too early anyway#or maybe hes just 13. see what i mean hahaha. ive reached the 30 tag limit
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Haiiii just wanted to let you know that mini comic of Charles being kidnapped (going on vacation) with Erik makes me tweak out every time I see it because I can't send it to my friend (he cannot know I am a cherik freak) 🫶
Love ur art btw it scratches the brain tickel
OH IM SO GLAD im so glad people enjoy that comic: thank you so much, i had a lot of fun working on it ^^ !
#fave#snap chats#maybe one day your friend can see … but very relatable tbh djOAJZSJ#my favorite response to that comic is how ‘stan lee’ the dialogue is WHICH WAS MY INTENT#IM SO GLAD THAT GOT ACROSS HEHEHEHEHE#doing 60’s verse stuff is my favorite its so over the top i love it immensely. unserious as hell#‘snap i thought you were away until saturday#can a man. NOT say hi. ill just be answering asks with texts until then#BUT ANYWAYS thank you !!!!!!#i cant wait to make more silly comics when i can … hehe …#for now ONE MORE EXAM FOR THE DAY then its costume party time 👯 going as leon kennedy because its what i had in my closet fiOWDJS#OK BYYYYEE i think i can squeeze in another quick answer or two
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the underwater episode of bojack horseman makes me so SAD ..
#he gets saddled with a baby seahorse. n on the way to bring it back to its dad bonds with it and everything#and then when it's time to give it back he just stands in the doorway and watches them#the dads obviously like. what the hell do you want. tries to invite him in to eat and then tries to give him money#n bojack refuses both. he doesn't even know what he wants he's just stuck standing there#n then you see a shot of all the seahorse babies eating and being babies#AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL WHICH ONE WAS THE ONE HE WAS WITH FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE.#and you see in his face that HE realizes that too#and he leaves#OWWWW#the closest thing he's felt to like Actual genuine love With no fear in who knows how long And then it's over immediately#AND NOT TO FUCKING MENTION THE MAIN PLOT OF BOJACK TRYING TO GET BACK TO SAY SORRY TO KELSEY JANNINGS FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE BUT IN THE END#once he FINALLY manages to write something sincere and honest to her the ink bleeds off the page. and she drives away#OWWWWWWW#AND THE wHOLE EPISODE IS SILENT AND THAT GETS ME EVEN MORE#IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR SILENT STORYTELLING#I adore bojack so much probably my favorite protagonist from any media ever#I don't want to write a whole essay analyzing his character so ill just say this#I love him I love him I love him#it wasn't intentional but I realized that my tiger lady oc is basically just bojack with a fresh coat of paint...
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Some people have aggressively stupid takes on censorship, fictional content, kink…. But then also in irl sex and relationships, too, and it’s exhausting. If you are a grown adult wringing your hands about how you could never date anyone two years younger than you or getting your panties in a twist over regular safe consenting sex practices/acting like safe and consensual k.ink is inherently abusive…. Then your brain has been so thoroughly rotted by online puritan discourse and you need to get off of twitter and experience the real world. Genuinely. Hope this helps.
#and there is a difference between having an understanding of these things and avoiding certain k.inks because of personal preference/trauma#but acting as if people who participate in and enjoy these things safely and privately are ‘freaks’ or ‘disgusting’ or immoral#is not the same thing#also please recognize the rhetoric you are parroting for fucks sake#because calling people ‘freaks’ and ‘degenerates’ and wanting to police anything sexual… not the take you think it is#this sort of thing actually enables and leads to things like a lot of sodomy laws in the us that existed pre obergefell v hodges#which classified any sex deviant from your standard piv penetrative sex as unlawful and immoral#setting a very dangerous precedent about what people can and cannot do in their own home#there are so many reasons that it pisses me off seeing these things but with the state of things in so many places right now#it baffles me when chronically online bitches swallow puritan rhetoric without a second thought and don’t see the writing on the wall#in an era of book bans and drag bans and the demonization of the lgbtq community at large#and with a Supreme Court that has shown time and again that they put their personal biases ahead of the safety and rights of constituents#I do not know how people do not recognize#this sort of reactionary shit will ALWAYS hurt marginalized people first. respectability politics will not save you when they turn on you#okay send tweet I’m just annoyed#laur speaks!#I better not get some dumbass shit on this post I am tired I am chronically and mentally ill and having a hell of a semester.#not looking for discourse. I do not have time. get blocked argue with the wall read a fucking book and learn some shit while you’re at it.
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Ok so these designs are cute as hell, the Internet is just mean
I have too many thoughts about a game I still need to watch
#goodbye volcano high#i dont have the money to buy it but god i need to watch a playthrough when i have time it's so interesting to me#like; the theme of 'yeah we're going die but that doesn't mean we can enjoy what time we have left' sounds amazing to me love that#its so funny i was actually watching a review of it that was basically 'this game sucks and here's why'#and then it just started listing off shit like- 'the characters designs are pastel they're nonbinary you die no matter what'#and then my neurons just went off and went '👁️👁️ oh! sounds amazing i want to see more'#fuck yeah pastel nonbinary dinosaurs lets go#well i think its just fang thats nonbinary and then two other trans characters#i saw a cutscene! and it was about the experiences of being an apart of a family as sec-gen immigrant and trans-#and i thought that was cool as hell dont recall ever seeing that in any of thr arts ive seen before (but there's lots of art out there!)#heard it got some glitches tho (havent looked in depth of what those glitches are) hopefully it got patched out#also im so fucking pissed i saw the gator game before i saw this 😮💨 (context; apparently made by people who made a fangame where they#the mc of this game a datable side character and they only have a happy ending if they detransition? which fucking yikes😬)#i saw people say 'oh but they did it empathetically' like how the fuck is taking a canon nb character and making them only happy through#detransitioning empathetic that sounds super fucking shitty and gross#i think a character that detransitions can be done and would be interesting to see- but this just reeks of people being transphobic for real#oh also purple dino has a slug or worm or something apparently! seems cute! just a lil thing#apparently its a rhythm game; listened to some of the songs and it sounded good! sadly i suck at rhythm games#but apparently failing doesn't affect the story? kinda wish it would but honestly better for me lol-#pink one and fang end up dating i believe- from what i saw pink is like- soft spoken artist? dunno if accurate but she's cute#all the characters are cute just look at them!!! awesome#also they have to just continue school like normal before they die and honestly thats so real#also saw people dislike the fact you dont see the characters actual die or the meteor#which is ??? dunno i just think some things are better left implied than shown-#anyways man i keep trying to find neat stuff about the game and all i see is people bitchin about it or praising the shit fan on instead 😔#man if i had two nickles for a time i grew to become obsessed with a media only for loads of people to hate id have two nickles#first nickle is kat elliot she's such a cool character Internet wasn't ready for her#also yes i saw obsessed i can just tell this is something ill go bonkers for#i mean god look how much text is in my tags for this already! and i still need to see the game in it's fullness!#im sure there's other cool shit
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Controversial take but i watched all of jjk, in subbed, so it had my full attention 100% of the time, and i am of the opinion that it just fucking sucks.
So me and my wife were talking about it, and we were trying to figure out why people like it and we've come up short. I do not understand what's so appealing about this show for so many people. Can someone PLEASE tell me.
#yes the animation is phenominal and honestly i would have stopped watching after the first episode without it#MAPPA creates some beautiful art like just gorgeous#but the constant force-feeding of every minor character's backstory was hellish for me#had me rolling my eyes every time they did it (every three seconds)#the vast majority of characters are unlikable or bland or dead#often all of the above#choso is the only character i actively liked?? like i understand him i reallu do#i liked mahito? he's a freak so that's a given#i liked that one old guy with the weird still frames power#uhhh i like sukuna's weird obsession with ripoff sasuke#edit i member: i liked megumi he deserved better#oh i also REALLY liked nanamin or whatever his name was (it's been a while)#i think yuuji's suicide mission that he didn't think through is super interesting#alright heres my most controversial take of all#i don't care at ALL abt gojo. he's so mid there's like a million characters exactly like him#and he's UGLY why do people say he's attractive bro is UGLY A HELL#the intros are baller tho i sat through them every episode no skipping that shit#gorgeous animation as i'd expect from this studio#like! there's so many little drops of things that i liked about this show! which is why it pissed me off so much every time they did boring#ass exposition dumps on characters that are gonna die in five seconds. or worse-they are gonna live and continue to bore me to tears#and when i tell you i physically couldn't read the manga because of how fucking BORING it is#i got caught up and was like 'okay ill read the manga i kinda like what's currently happening n ive made it this far might as well keep goi#g' nah man i couldn't even read a whole chapter. jjk is king of exposition dumps#i do think the powers and how if you tell your opponent what it is it gets stronger is rad#and it drives me insane because i know they know how to drip-feed information about a character! and when they do that they do it SO WELL!!#but they just force feed you all this information the rest of the time like BRO ITS TOO MUCH SLOW DOWN AND JUST LET THE CHARACTERS DO THEIR#THING AND IT WILL BE MORE SATISFYING#anyways not tagging this because i don't wanna put hate in the main tags#just like. if you see this please explain to me what im missing PLEASE i want to like this show SO bad
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#can i just say that i hate what tumblr has done with spotify wrapped this year?#like previous years it was more like “oh my god i listened to this one song so many times! im not beating the mental illness allegations!”#which is fine and all that#but this year people are making it about race and i think its really fucking stupid#polls and posts like “how far down is the first poc artist in your top 100?”#first post i saw was just that which okay?#kinda comes off as op trying to call people racist for their taste in music#other posts after that have been a hell of a lot more blatant with their message#that youre a raging racist if you dont have any poc artists in your top 5 on your top 100 playlist#like shut the fuck up with that god damn virtue signalling bullshit or whatever#no ones actually making that much money on spotify so who cares if you listen to their music on spotify?#even taylor swift is getting the short end when it comes to her spotify paycheck#listening to music on spotify is legitimately fucking useless in terms of supportinf artists#if you actually wanna go support artists then find where theyre selling their music and BUY it#go buy concert tickets for their shows#go buy their tshirts and merch#spotify is too greedy to pay artists and youre too much of a moral grandstander to see that!#youre not morally better than anyone bc you listen to certain artists or certain genres or whatever#get off your high fucking horse and just enjoy the tunes jesus fucking god damn christ!
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beat up an old man in bg3 tonight, gonna beat up another tomorrow night (read: some idiot with 666 hit points thought he was hot shit so i burgled him and am going to use what i got to doublecross the guy that catfished me)
#bg3 spoilers#seriously though did i miss some hint about raphael being a bigger deal than he made himself out to be??#he was all 'help me steal this thing to take over the nine hells!!' and im like. asmodeus?? you want to usurp asmodeus?? YOU??#like who ARE you?? asmo doesn't even NEED to prep a counterplan - it's not gonna work my guy!! it's asmodeus!!#i actually did see later online a mention that he's mephisto's son which is like ok theres SOMETHING... but still??#even mephisto has never usurped asmo?? youre just some cambion??#anyway so i killed him lmao#whatlikeitshard.png#i have NO idea what happens when i go to betray the emperor and free the gith prince but... i assume the emperor is gonna wanna fight me#and like honestly? I was defending you until you made it pretty clear you really just wanted to turn me into a mind flayer too#ill take a gith trying to kill me any day. i love it when they try to kill me. im a gith simp
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ah, the ever-more-frequent Urge To Explode My Brain from unending migraines. a migraine that just lasts the day already sucks so bad. whole day is gone in a blur of pain and misery, right ? a migraine that lasts multiple days is sort of like if hell was real and you were in it. time has no meaning, only pain, etc.
months of migraines... with no break or end or effective treatment and also you still have to work and behave like a normal person because you cannot lie in bed for months not paying rent. well id describe it you but ive fucking lost the plot. its gone on so long and its so bad that when the migraine ISN'T at its peaking on the pain scale and making me feel like if i was hit by a truck that would be an improvement, i start to feel like my head is a vestigial organ that has been removed. cant access sensation in my head and it feels literally disconnected from my body. meanwhile the pain is still there (along with the brain fog, vertigo, nausea, etc) but it feels like its happening to somebody else.
#im kind of impressed that i can at this point carry a normal conversation (as good as i ever can. which is bad but irrelevant)#while being in agony and having been in agony for as long as i can remember#usually also with something dislocated just for some extra fun#because what i actually feel like doing 100% of the time is lighting myself on fire and/or screaming forever until i die#however thats the kind of shit that puts you in the psych ward again#so i am. smiling and making small talk while migraine auras wash out my vision and i try not to visibly dry heave#its really really really fucking bad. all the time so fucking bad.#i need to message my neurologist but likelihood of me doing that is low#because 1) the stuff she's put me on has so far done nothing but add intolerable side effects to the hell that i am already existing in#and 2) its fucking hard to do anything. even the bare minimum im not doing. so extra shit is just. not happening#i want to scream.#i am gonna. go for a walk and smoke a cigarette instead and then get really high because at least then i dont really care#the auras are making it really hard to see though. theyre like bleach all over my vision. just this wash of white#hhh.#chronic illness#chronic migraine#and its like. when my knee also gives out and it feels like theres metal in there slicing everything up with each tiny movement#or any of the other one million goddamn things broken in my body#i end up so overwhelmed by pain that i just want to lay on the floor and cry#at which point everyone around me gets mad that im not being productive and im costing them money and im not good enough#like ok kill me then. cheaper for you happier for me. just get a heavy object and go to town i would thank you for it#but i cant even say that because openly expressing suicidality just makes people angrier#im rapidly running out of fucks to give but also i will do anything to avoid returning to the psych ward#literally anything. morals out the window. i dont give a shit.#so its a catch-22.#vent
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ill never be good enough at anything
#vent#events of today only proved it#im genuinely so close to giving up completely#i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing#I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im#the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did#i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships#i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long#i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math#i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive#hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough#i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi#i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i#know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out#i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on#just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height#the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from#if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic#i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me#i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.
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when technically you and other fans agree on a character's mental health in general premise but they only ever get written with the more sympathetic traits of whatever diagnosis... not hate and hell but like. mild dislike and faintly irritating purgatory on the planet earth
#vic talks#there's also the thing of 'I decided this character has x mental illness so i'm going to write them like they're undertaking a personal#challenge to carefully check off the symptoms in the dsm'#which isn't the same but is also irritating as hell wait no purgatory#BONUS ROUND when a character actually gets diagnosed in fic and the author clearly read a psychology today article and took it as gospel#there's a fic where a character gets diagnosed w/ASPD#(which was so stupid i looked up the dsm to confirm that yeah even if you go off the dsm He Does Not Fucking Have That PD)#and they're like. going 'it's so hard to live with a sociopath you two should get counseling too :(' to his besties#WHO ARE BOTH MURDERERS... WITH GLARING UNLOVELY TRAUMA ISSUES...#and assigned-aspd-bc-he-likes-to-fight boy is literally like. the Cute/Annoying Little Brother of the group#this is possibly the silliest time to apply your 'surviving a cluster b loved one oh god it's so horrible' bullshit#that you found by reading an article entitled 'can a sociopath improve through therapy?' or smth#anyway. this has been bitchin' and complainin' hour with vic i'll see you next week
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i'll probably be skipping stream today & tomorrow on account of my personal challenge to finish JE before you (<- absolutely not going to happen)
but while i'm here SHUT UP your headcanon is not icky :) though i can't really talk since i don't bring my own up very often either, and i honestly haven't even put that much thought into the logistics around it. anyway trans masato 🤝 trans wagi as personal coping mechanisms
DAWG you gotta finish it... idk how long youve had it but prob longer than me cmon now gamer i know you can do it ✊
trans masato is just funny because Like Everything I Do it just started as me joking about scenes from the game and then the ending happened and i was like Oh Lol It's Not A Joke Anymore I Think
I DONT USUALLY SUBSCRIBE TO TRANS HCS EITHER THAT WHY IT ICKY TO MEAJLWKJL but thank you. i promise to only mention it once every five months
#snap chats#to put it bluntly i Do Not like acknowledge. That aspect of my life. if me never even saying terms outright is to go off of LMAO#i cry thinking about it- like right now LMAO I ALMOST DID I HATE IT i dont like using hate but... thats one of five things i hate for sure#My Issues Aside Tho ive already talked about 'my logistics' with trans masato but ill say them again cause its funny#1.) The Injection Scene like it's for his. Adrenaline or whatever but the first thing i said when i saw it was an injection joke#because literally how could i not LIKE LMAO THEY SERVED IT ON A PLATTER#and then there's the whole Change His Entire Identity After Running To A New Country#i always joke about wanting to do that so that's strike two buster#and then to top it off when he comes back he looks like every transman ever before the effects of T start taking effect#which is a hilariously ironic statement to make considering The Before And After but lol strike three bozo#AND THEN STRIKE FOUR WAS HIS WHOLE 'i changed my name and body' BIT LIKE DAWG YOURE ALREADY OUT#IK ITS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED UP 'FOR POWER' BUUUUT TOP TEN 'HE JUST LIKE ME FR' MOMENTS LMAOOO#there's also his voice- both in jp and eng- just having a sort of Texture(TM) to it#in jp it's sort of high and nasally while in eng there's a sort of gravel to it that's so 🏳️⚧️?????? to me. im sorry.#do you see. that's why it's so funny. its so painfully funny#the funniest jokes are the ones with Some Weird truth behind them by the most delusional bitches ever <- me#ANYWAYS. i promise not to mention it much If Ever only when something really funny happens to me that reminds me of it#and i dont have a sneaky way to allude to it in a comic or a fic#end of the month is always hell for me cause on the one side Yay Money but on the other hand its like I Have To Work For It FUCK#so i can only draw on the weekend#im having a month-long sale for december tho...... so if we never see me again thats why#EW I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO DRAW FOR A SECRET SANTA THING TONIGHT NOOOOOO#and i wanted to finish up that fic... cause im literally three lines away from finishing it...#christ i need to learn to juggle better. for now im eating this onigiri that i was too busy to eat#anyway no one look at me im soryr for sharing my cringe </3 i prommy it wont happen so bluntly again
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uuuuuuuhk. i hate the ffn comment culture so much. it sucks all the joy out of me. everyones always offering ""constructive criticism"" but its always just mean little nitpicks. my guy you can just stfu and enjoy the free story. have some fun. live a little. :(
#on ao3 the worst i usually see is someone going ''up8 pls'' or ''when will you update?'' which is a bit rude#but its still overall positive bc its them going 'hell yeah i love this fic and your writing!'#but on fanfiction.net ill see a play by play breakdown of everything the author did wrong in a chapter#it just. it breaks my fuckin heart#fanfiction
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Thinking about Epiphany and how I should write Chatterbird Corporations again but ough the other projects
#why am i always so sluggish all day and then at 11 pm im like 'i NEED to complete all my projects at once and they need#to be done before the morning comes or ill explode and die'#make it make sense#also ngl i also kinda dont feel like writing prose#idk why. i just kinda...dont. which is weird because i know that i used to love it a lot#but idk now i just cant find a reason to do it at all? is it because im in therapy?#i used to use prose as a method of problem solving. like...you know. Chatterbird Corporations asks what it means to be a human being#and who gives you the right to be one and it also asks if we are beings of nature or nurture and if we are doomed to walk the only path we#can see and if there is a point of no return from what we have made of ourselves and if the person youre looking at#is the same person you used to know and hell does it matter? if her eyes glint just the same does it even matter?#or like BDEF asks what choices we have in life and what it would take to make a person do the exact opposite thing.#it asks if we all have a breaking point. if we are all capable of the same actions under different conditions. if we are our mothers.#if we are our fathers. if we have to pay for their sins if they die before the debt is paid. it asks if there is a villain#and if their absence makes it better. it asks what it means to love and what it means to hurt and if those things are perhaps#one and the same and if they can even be separated and if that somehow makes it ok. hurt people hurt people but they#hurt just the same dont they? hurt people hurt people and the devil in front of you is just a girl crying out for the parents she hates#but none of that washes off the blood on her hands and you wonder if survival is selfishness and you wonder if recoiling at the sight of he#makes you bad and if it really even matters when the alternative is never being able to stomach yourself#and anyway my point is that now i can just process all of this in therapy
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Oh yeah sorry I forgot I was only here for you to USE ME I'll shut the fuck up
#maybe ill stfu forever#im in such a bad mindset rn and im being hella inconsiderate and im definitely splitting but y'know. for all the stress nosebleeds ive had-#-(8 at this point hooray!) itd be nice to see someone spill some blood for ME#warring with the logical side and the side that says EVERYONE USES THE SAME FUCKING EXCUSES BUT IF I MAKE THEM IM A BITCH#why the fuck should I show mercy when its never even been considered to be given to me?#why should i tolerate such BULLSHIT? I fight through hell and still make sure the people important to me are cared for#ive answered to phone seconds after dry heaving and rubbed of the tears when someone needs me and got up to BE THERE even when i felt bad#and not a single motherfucker can do that for me in return#its so fucking selfish but id rather run off and go live in a hill all alone than do this shit. theres no way its on purpose but holy fuck-#-does it feel like everyone uses my attatchments against me like they just KNOW I'd die before leaving#oh my god i miss him. he wouldnt do this to me. he would. he wouldn't#i did everything to make it work. let him do whatever he wanted. i do so much for everyone just like him and every time im left#like a dog thats been dumped when it started getting sick and the owners couldn't pat the vet bills#its not my fault theres a vermin in my brain. i didnt want it there i swear#ive tried to get it out but when i do i bleed all over you and you get mad. i try to get better but you dont like the process#nobody will stick around through the storm to see what comes after so whats the point when theres nothing to live for in the end?#idc what they say humans are social creatures we NEED others with us. before great big civilization being alone = death#we NEED people to care. we NEED someone to watch our back. its how humanity got this far#and by god i try my best to carry everyones weight but theres nobody here to carry mine#which is a fucking lie because there is. my mama is so great but its so ingrained now. opening up = punishment. i know she'd never hurt me#but the idea of being vulnerable is nauseating#i just wanna go to sleep for once feeling knowing and truly believing someone has my back. that someone will be here in the morning#but nobody would do that for me and i would never dare ask. i know im a heavier person than most. i cant expect anyone to carry me
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