#ill probably still make up the days eventually but i wont hold myself to it

[kaveh-a-day]

Day 63

[davidjjohnston3]

The trees are straight and true here, and the help comes without seeming harpoons.  I considered some insane things which were ‘above my pay-grade’ and as is my wont reflected on the state and implications of my former profession and what old friends and pharons meant to me.  Right now think that my core goal in life is not to blow myself up.  As a former would-have-been SecState said, ‘I love so many people.’  I am only sad that trying as I did to uproot that carrot of love just now could have resulted in the demolition of an entire root-network, of at least my own excision therefrom.

‘Some people’ want revenge against life for not going their way or not being the color or fragrance or face shape they like or feel it ought to be - ‘no that is not what I meant at all.’  They will never hold a life reliable which doesn’t resemble their ideal, imago, or ‘soul-idol’ &c.  The meaning of the name ‘Cordelia’ as in King Lear is something like ‘heart’s ideal.’  I was driving and considering a novel that I feel touched absolute supreme greatness without knowing it or in a way that could mislead some readers Mrs. Mary HK Choi’s Yolk a novel I looked forward for a very long time.  I had all these references and fractal coreferences and forgot about actual birds, like what does the chick eat in the egg.

‘Blood is the life’ - I liked etymologies for a long time and my intellectualism caused me acute trouble in Confirmation Class at Morrow Memorial United Methodist Church in about 1998.  ‘Pastor’ Gretchen taught us the word root ‘consacramentum’ which comes from dipping the hand in blood in the concave of a Roman shield - those huge rectangular shields which could be used in formation as ‘testudo’ or turtle to stop projectile weapons and allowed soldiers to make pin-point stabbing attacks from a ‘matrix(?)’ of high protection.  I forget what kind of animal was killed to pool the blood in the shield but it might have been a rabbit.

I was reading ‘Revelation,’ I don’t recall what everyone else was talking about.  Some kind of community service project, interview your parents, buy a wedding-magazine and make a whole plan for how you would get married and how much it would cost (and while you’re at it describe how you would 1) restore a classic Shelby Cobra using newspaper and Krazy Glue 2) drive foresaid drop-top to the Moon).  

The Pastor was a pipe-smoker named ‘Painter’ who used the NY Lotto’s ‘Hey you never know’ slogan to describe sth like Pascal’s Wager; OTOH St. Paul teaches us that everyone is born knowing God exists (Romans).  The problem is that people fail or omit to glorify Him or subsequently ruin or betray their own best efforts through blasphemy, turning or falling away, cowardice, denial, attachment to certain sins or being ‘yoked unequally’ with non-believers.  

I reflected starting in 2008 that I was shy of my ‘first love’ (rather, the woman I fell in love with at 14); at the time I gloried or reveled in the shyness like a Wallace Stevens poem that ends, ‘And not to have written a book.’  I could’ve written a few books by now or walked away from book-writing or changed my mind / specified which kind of book I might have written and for whom.  

I remember always admiring the ‘magic’ of literature and feeling sad I had no characters or world of my own to work magic with.  Star Wars and my own life and later much else supplied ‘materia poetica’ and till the point that I began to think in fiction and became addicted to interpreting my own in ‘story-ideas’ although that is not to say that what happened around me didn’t happen.  

America is trying to become a better country in numerous valences, loving our neighbors, holding each other accountable.  ‘Justice’ with or without the marks is important.  It is a divine Judgment that Covid fell on the world even if eventually we all shall learn who devised the virus or leaked it or modulated its mutations.  I was eager to rejoin the world feeling I might overcome my mental illness but I mishandled specific questions and tests.  I ended up turning people against me and creating monsters more than ever as well as perhaps terminally sabotaging any chance I might’ve had of fulfilling a dream or making good on the past.  I have a lot of opinions on the CCP but should’ve focused on love and family and personal responsibilities as in the past or at least held to my long-standing feeling that Chinese people deserve better rather than associating myself with hard-liners and racists or those who would simplify issues in order to bring about ultimate victory without temperance or concern for the side-effects.

In Milwaukee where I lived for far too long everyone’s spirit - electric, intellectual, visory(?), informational et cetera seemed to be militating against everybody else’s.  There were fake vaccines, radioactive ice cream (or thermogenic ice-cream), gun-battles as usual, lines crossed, all kinds of scores that people tried to settle.  I also realized that the police were probably tracking for years my various attempts to obtain weapons from samurai-swords to handguns though the purpose was defensive and I can only trust at this point that some good lawyer will prevent the bad lawyers and cops from presenting the most damning circumstantial case they could.  People in Milwaukee own AK-47′s, automatic shotguns, probably all kinds of explosives, improvised chemical weapons and (’our Black brothers’ - Schopenhauer) biological weapons - the cops don’t stand a chance that I can tell and even the National Guard perhaps could get outclassed by retired military.  I had told myself for years that it was only the ghetto’s that bore witness to this paramilitary equipage and that the retired SEAL Team 4 member with the ‘Stop Socialism’ and ‘Jobs Not Mobs’ sign on his front lawn would protect me from the Maoist-Covid Night of the Long Knives but I feel I tempted God a lot in the past.  

I read all these books and took to heart that people thought I was just entertaining myself with but now as then I should’ve guarded my heart or not begged the question of what others thought about me or saw in me.  I literally felt of late ‘I am the anti-Christ’ - good-looking at times, preach world peace, ‘form of godliness,’ want to be friends with everyone, build bridges - and had to rack my brains to come up with an ‘anti-Christology’ and science / concept of the Whore of Babylon just to make sure it was more than me alone.  I also wished to simplify my past and help kids ‘get life right the right time’ doing battle with philosophies that opposed this consciously or otherwise but stepped into numerous minefields and also tried running when I should’ve flown over.  

Everyone’s trying to get rich and build back better and I profoundly admired the American President for doing, finally, apparently, what presidents had tried to decades even as I remember ‘Flowers 1881′ a poem that implies that basically teachers can do only so much before turning their kids loose in a world no one has yet fixed and which others keep breaking; from a California almanac that also instructed me that the same old debates and cross-fires and burdens plague teachers as always, not that it is an ‘impossible profession’ but honestly that God won’t let us establish Heaven on Earth or at least not me or at least not America or at least not teachers who savor the experience of being a teacher or the beauty of their students more than the outcomes or commitment or intrinsic value of the work or the confirmed identity / vocation / personhood of the instructor.  There are always new and old at any rate and different cultures all describe the teacher as needing to keep both alive; as do descriptions of higher education and scholarship.  

I questioned my qualifications / background and wondered about re-training but can’t afford tuition anywhere so I am trying to cling to the core of my capabilities / blessings.  ABC and XYZ.  The glory of the soul or souls.  

I kept theorizing Russian literature as well as weapons-systems and ultimate destiny, sailing ships, noble names, divisions, the flaming sword of Archangel Gabriel, the mission of Russia today with respect to the world order.  I am also simply trying to be healthy and stop for a while trying to parse out who was the love of my life or what it still left in terms of action or redemption or justice or surrender or mitigation or meeting new friends or propounding the kind of understand with carefulness I have believed in - ‘saving people from themselves.’  Driving up here I remember being distressed at a gas-station in California when I was about 5 or 6 since the pump was leaking, being very upset with my parents and family.  In those days I also disliked animal-cruelty though the world today seems so depraved and deprived with respect to human interests I would make no bones about neglecting most all animals outside of military or police use.  When I was about 3 I saw white kids set a frog on fire; my mother has a history of running over cats.

I dislike winging it and taking risks.  There is a song I call to myself ‘Run Away’ though its title is ‘Paradise.’  I am not a utopian communist for believing in secular justice and its instrinsic value... I wonder whether when I helped people in the past there were always strings attached or maybe I was just trying to close my case and discharge my responsibilities too rapidly without allowing others to gestate or make an abode in my heart besides and beyond what I could get out of them, glorifying myself, or tell others about.  

What is motherhood?  What is travail?  Is there a kind of problematic ‘female gaze’ as feminists talk of a ‘male gaze’ associated with sadism or fascination / fetishism?  It’s psychology which is not my first love at all since it appeared pretentious and distracting and retarding (in the literal sense of slowing down).

I also remembered reading various things about Victor Hugo whose ‘93′ is an important novel today due to its techno-utopianism, feminism or ‘new model egalitarianism,’ fusion of revolution and religion, etc.  But I had forgotten ‘Les Miserable’ with its themes of ransom or eventual recompense, genealogies, caution, and more none of which is to negate the various complains against me or death-warrant from China or my parents with their partial private readings of Proverbs (’Let’s stone David for embarrassing us / not doing precisely what we want’ - no mention of witnesses, tribunals, questions, mitigation-hearings, actual counsels of judges etc. but just American-German ‘coalitions of the willing’ ‘run and get my gun’ ‘team-building’ etc. which in my experience ends with tanks on the street and military dictatorships as when at the end of the CultRev PLA regulars were gunning down former justice-fanatics who’d been stripping women, kicking pregnant stomachs etc. as in The Vagrants).  Naturally having grown up in a family fascinated with Lee Kwanyew and Arnold Schwarzenegger and conflicted about ‘fascism’ I had reservations about the United States’ ability to suddenly dress up and ‘stand at perpetual moral attention’ but I guess my own problems are just that I am poor with a rich kid’s mind and no one really likes me except strangers and faraway friends who were easily spooked and/or just couldn’t be there.  ‘King of South shall attack and King of North shall crush them  with chariots &c.’ - in the end righteous will prevail whichever side of the line I end up on in the final assessment.  I also remembered today a novel called ‘The Old Capital’ about a bad artist father, a virgin daughter, straight and true pines.  Some other aspects of this novel are silly as well as criminally problematic and there's a lot of that going on in new-old old news America / Babylon or at least to quote my favorite lawyer / leave lawyering movie 'First let's get out of Milwaukee.'  Miss the land of June snow. 

[embeanwrites]

Finding Home Gavin Reed x Reader

Chapter 15

Masterlist

Connor had driven me home after we finished the movie and now, I was laying in bed looking at my phone. I decided to send Gavin a text before heading to bed.

 How’s burning the midnight oil with Nines?

 lame, i wish i was with my cats

 Me too lol

 how was dinner

 Pretty good, we watched Into the Spider-Verse after. Connor had never seen it!

 i haven’t either

 You’re joking, right? Is this the Jameson and Ginger Ale thing again?

 i barely have time for new movies, let alone old ones

 We’re watching it ASAP

 lol ok pipsqueak

hey i have bad news

 Damn, you couldn’t secure a place for the Dead Mom Society to meet? Or is the bakery out of chocolate chip cookies?

 no i have to work through lunch on monday

 :(

What are you going to have for lunch then?

 idk a pb&j from the breakroom

 Would it ruin your “working through lunch” if I brought you lunch and we eat it in the breakroom?

 nines wont be too happy

 Tell him it’s revenge for lying and setting us up!

 ok ill work on him and let u know

 Awesome! Good luck saving the city tonight, Batman!

 ur the biggest nerd ive ever met

yet for some reason i like u

 Awwwwww you like me

 …hm

 Yeah, yeah I like you too

I gotta go to bed, talk to you later

 Sleep tight, pipsqueak

I smiled at the screen for a moment, even if that nickname was rude and had started as an insult, it was his thing for me now. I'm an adult woman. A nickname shouldn't make me feel this giddy, but here I am, grinning at a now black phone screen, thinking about how he only grins and never smiles and how handsome it is when half his face scrunches up to accommodate those grins. I wonder if he's grinning now, a small one at his desk, maybe into a cup of coffee to hide it while he returns to his case files. I hope he's grinning, feeling like a stupid teenager. I hope he likes me as much as I'm starting to like him. I fell asleep soon after, thinking of what I should bring him for lunch, trying to guess what would surprise him most without being too flashy, what I could do to make him grin for me again.

 I woke up the next morning around 10 am, and laid in bed for a moment questioning how necessary it was for me to get out of this nice warm cocoon of blankets, with the sunlight streaming in gently just out of my eyes, and sighed loudly when I remembered that it was indeed necessary that I get out of bed, as Tina would be here to pick me up at 11:30. I kicked the covers off, grabbing my phone off the charger and moving to sit on the edge of the bed to check it before truly getting up. The first notification was a text from Gavin, sent around 5 a.m. 

u can come on monday probs around 11 bring whatever im not picky

 Will do, Batman!

I turned on a throwback playlist while I got ready, a quick shower where I debated too long over shaving my legs before I actually did so, thinking about how Tina might have me try on a suit or dress for the wedding. I hadn't decided what I wanted to go for yet, hence the indecisiveness with the razor. Eventually I bit the bullet and just took the extra five minutes to shave just to the tops of my knees, not bothering with my thighs as I highly doubted I'd be wearing a mini dress to a formal event, though it might be fun to see how Gavin would react to more revealing clothes. I filed the thought away while I got out of the shower, toweling off and tying the towel around my hair and brushing my teeth. By the time I had thrown on a pair of well loved jeans and a plain tee, Tina was calling me, I answered and before I could even put the phone to my ear, I could hear music blaring in the background, and then Tina screamed "HERE BITCH!" and promptly hung up. I pocketed the phone, and hurried looking for my Birkenstocks, of course they weren't by the door, they were in front of the fridge, where I had stopped last night upon arriving home to grab some food before heading to bed. I slid the sandals on, stopping for a moment to grab two packets of the applesauce squeezies for a quick breakfast. 

By the time I got to the car, Tina was listening to a different song, but the volume was the same, I'm sure my poor neighbors who were trying to sleep in on a Sunday morning were not very pleased. I opened the door and slid in, Tina turned the volume down. What a shame, she had excellent taste in music, ‘Do I Wanna Know?’ by Arctic Monkeys isn't a song you just turn down! 

"Took you long enough!" She laughed, a smile stretching across her face. 

"Shut up I couldn't find my shoes!" I shouted, holding up my feet and wiggling my toes in the most comfortable pair of shoes ever made. She looked at my feet and raised her eyebrows, snorting.

"Jesus Christ I’m a lesbian and I still wouldn’t wear those ugly ass shoes, (Y/n)!” I gasped and smacked her arm. 

“You’re disrespecting your culture!” I shouted, as the car silently started and began to pull out into the street, heading towards the dress store. Tina just giggled and I huffed. 

“For that, I’m not giving you the applesauce I brought for you.” I tore open the packets, double fisting them and squeezing all their contents into my mouth. Tina howled with laughter 

“What are you, fucking two years old! I cannot believe you!” 

“You’re just jealous that you aren’t as stylish as me and now I’ve had a healthy breakfast which I assume you didn’t as you were at the station all night. I was going to be a good, kind, maid of honor and offer you sustenance but if you disrespect the birks, you disrespect me.” I joked, crossing my arms and looking out the windshield past her. 

“Oh my god my maid of honor is two years old!!” 

“Hey! That’s uncalled for, I’m not a toddler, if anything I’m like a seven year old, I make sense but just barely.” I joked. She laughed and nodded. 

“Still can’t buy booze.”

“That’s why there are other best people who are of age who can.” 

There was a natural pause in the conversation, the song changed and we both listened for a moment before Tina turned to me, a devilish grin on her face making me nervous. 

“What?”

“So, I noticed something strange at work last night.”

“Yeah, what did you notice?” I laughed.

“A certain someone kept texting on their phone and smiling AND Nines wasn’t giving them a hard time for being on their phone.” She smirked. “I thought the date went bad?”

“How do you even know it was me, future Detective Chen?”

“Well, I may have glanced over his shoulder at some point and saw your name.” I laughed.

“Tina! I was going to tell you. You didn’t have to spy on Gavin!” She laughed.

“It was the heat of the moment. I promise the next time I spy on him I won’t tell you.” I shoved her shoulder and we both laughed.

“Man, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” The automatic car pulled into the bridal shop and we both squealed, jumping out of the car and practically running inside.

"I win." Tina said smugly as she crossed the threshold of the store before me. 

"Hey who's the kid now!"

Time went by fast in the shop, the consultants immediately brought us back to a sitting area, offering us complimentary champagne that we happily took. Our consultant, a happy-go-lucky android named Lance, brought out a selection of pantsuits for Tina to try, and offered excellent counsel on all of Tina's concerns. She wanted something elegant and more masculine. She tried a couple things before deciding pinstripe made her feel like a mobster and that white was definitely not her color. Lance was always smiling and laughing with them, not minding at all when they laughed at one of the options or didn't like what he had brought for her. He was very efficient in bringing options, and after three 'no's' he brought out a selection of black jackets and pants, assisting her in a pair of slim fit high waisted slacks with a center vertical pleat to help her look taller, a simple white dress shirt with a short popped collar, and a sleek black satin jacket, with a black lining. The fabric shone nicely in the light, a little bit of a sparkle in the thread. She looked gorgeous, and I could tell she felt it too, the way her eyes shone a bit, and her cheeks flushed, though she would probably blame that on the champagne if I brought it up later.

“You should try on some bridesmaids’ dresses. I’ve got my suit and now I want to judge others!”  Tina plopped down on the couch next to me and took my champagne from me.

"You haven't even decided on the style you want! Are you matching both bridal parties? Doesn't Valerie have a say in it then!" I squawked, reaching for the champagne flute she'd stolen from me. 

"We actually have talked about it, and we decided that as long as everyone has blush pink or yellow in their outfit, whatever style they want is best. It eliminates the drama and keeps our wedding day happy." Tina said, tipping her head back and downing my champagne in one big gulp. I smacked her arm. 

"Ah, I'd be happy to help you find a dress Miss. (L/N)." Lance offered, moving to sit next to me and offered out his hand, images of dresses popping up on his hand. 

"What are you thinking Miss (L/N)? Would you prefer the blush tone or yellow?" Lance asked, looking at my face instead of his hand. 

"Ah, blush please." I requested. 

"Not a problem, it's a popular color so we have a lot of options. Now, what style cut do you like?" I looked at him like a fish out of water. 

"I'm not sure, what do you think would look best, Lance?" He smiled, before pulling up a couple of images on his hand and explaining the styles and what design choices would flatter my features. I nodded, and he guided me back to the dressing room. 

"I'm going to run and grab some of the options we discussed Miss. (L/N)." He told me, before shutting the door. He knocked when he returned about five minutes later, hanging six dresses on the wall for me. "When you're ready, join us in the showing room, and we can adjust the fit and see what the bride thinks." He told me. I shouted 'Thanks!' through the door before turning to decide which dress I wanted to try first. 

 “Wow.” I murmured looking at myself in the mirror. From the tag on the dress I learned it’s a ‘long chiffon dress with halter neckline.’ I didn’t really understand what any of those words meant, but this dress was…amazing. It made me feel like a goddamn princess. 

“What’s taking so long!” I heard Tina shout.

“Give me a minute, you drunk!” I walked out of the dressing room, towards where Tina was sitting.

“Holy shit.” I laughed and spun around.

“It’s pretty good, right?” She got up and walked towards me.

“You’re getting this one. No question. I’m not letting you leave without it!”

“Are you sure? I can try a light-yellow dress if you want.”

“No, this one is perfect.” She smashed her cheek on mine and we both looked at ourselves in the mirror. I was smiling so wide my face was starting to hurt. She quickly grabbed her phone and snapped a picture of us, and I laughed.

“Tina!”

“What! I want to remember this moment.” She kissed my cheek. “I can’t wait to come back here with you when Gavin proposes.” She teased, causing you to laugh. 

“We’ve gone on one date! How much champagne have you had?” She shook her head.

“Just three glasses, I’m drunk on happiness! Come on, change back and buy that dress!” I laughed and walked back to the changing room. I picked up my phone and saw Tina had sent me the picture already. Smiling, I sent the picture to my dad.

 Got my dress for the wedding!

 Beautiful kiddo!

[harry-leroy]

For the sentence starters: Georgibeth + “I’ve been alone for so long I’m afraid I don’t know what it’s like not to be” or Warlenys + "I need you to trust me" please? :D

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for waiting. It has been wayyy too long since you sent this in, but I am finally (nearly) done with school, so I have time to actually catch up on fic prompts now. I ended up going to the Warlenys prompt, but I definitely want to write that Georgibeth prompt eventually. I hope you enjoy! Tagging my Warleggan family: @ticketybooser and @forcebros - love you guys <3 

The scene which Dwight found as he entered Trenwith was a troubling one, though not for the typical reasons that he had come to expect upon his many visits with George over the past few months. Dwight had just entered the house, but George looked ready to leave it. 

“Sir George,” Dwight stuttered as he spoke, still surprised at George’s well-fashioned appearance. “I was not expecting you to be…” 

“What?” George spoke with his old terseness, straightening his cravat in the mirror. “Can a man not go on an outing with his family?” 

Before Dwight managed to respond, Cary entered the room, appearing as though he were just finished with one errand before moving onto the next. The good doctor felt somewhat saved by Cary’s appearance. It was he after all who had called Dwight. 

“Ah, doctor,” Cary began, sounding cordial for George before pulling Dwight aside and speaking in a lower tone, “I do not trust my nephew to go out like this. He seems unusually out of temper this morning. I thought it would be best to um…” 

Dwight nodded, understanding his meaning. George did look nearly like his old self, as if none of the previous damage had even occurred, but there was the odd angle in the mirror that revealed dark circles under his eyes and the way his fingers trembled as he adjusted his clothes. By now, George was in good enough sense to understand the conversations his uncle had with Ralph Hanson through the door, but not enough to throw himself back into the endless workload he was wont to put on himself. He was impatient, itching to have his say in his own family business. It was only natural, after all. 

“I will have a word with him,” Dwight said to Cary, who nodded in understanding, his shoulders relaxing somewhat upon hearing that he had made the right decision to call a doctor. Cary decided to take a step back to allow the doctor to do his work, but stayed in the room in case George tried to do anything rash. It wouldn’t have been the first time that such a thing happened. 

“George,” Dwight began gently. “I am encouraged to see you motivated to make an outing. It is a great improvement from where we started, no doubt,” 

“And?” George did not turn away from the mirror, but instead stared Dwight’s reflection down with those piercing eyes of his. 

“Well,” the doctor began, not sure how to phrase his concern. “I believe this improvement is so great that it has caused your uncle a bit of concern. An outing to the church or perhaps even to Sawle village may be one matter, but anywhere else may be too much. You are still in recovery from considerable trauma, and as your doctor, I share your uncle’s concern,” 

“Damn it, man!” George stamped his foot and swiftly turned on his heel. “I am treated like a child in my own house and now I must suffer the same fate outside of it. I can hardly hold a butter knife without unusual vigilance on my every move. Will I never be trusted again? Or must I be kept in the house… like a… spinster! Or a madman…” 

It discouraged Dwight considerably to have George call himself a madman, and it was probably rather constricting to have Cary keep a hawk’s eye on him ever since he nearly fell off of the Nampara cliffs. He sighed. 

“I understand your frustration, but you are not a madman. The mind may betray us in mysterious ways and your uncle only wants to keep you safe. I have no opposition to a small outing, but I should ask that I come with you,” Dwight said calmly. 

George looked very nearly about to cry. 

“Do you have any idea what this is like?” He asked, nearly losing his voice by the end of his question, pointing to his own head upon the word ‘this’. “I hardly feel like myself anymore and you’re not helping,” 

“How might I be of help?” Dwight asked. He had expected some frustration from George given the nature of his illness, but by now even Dwight had to admit that he might have been a little frustrated too if in George’s position. He thought of Caroline in that moment, though wished he hadn’t. 

“I need you to trust me,” George said. “I think I have enough sense now to tell when I am feeling alright and when I am not. I am feeling fine and would like to take a walk with my family. Is that too much to ask?” 

“No, it is not,” Dwight said cautiously. “But I also need you to trust me. I have treated many such cases like yours and can tell you with confidence that it is unwise to go as far as you wish to go given the nature of your illness. So we shall make a compromise. I propose that we take a walk to Sawle village. Bring Valentine and Ursula along if you like,” 

George relaxed a little. So did Cary, who had been watching this entire time. 

“But, George,” the doctor reminded himself. “Now that you are on the mend, and I do truly believe you are on the mend, I must tell you that this will continue to be a battle you face for the rest of your life, and you must know when to take breaks. You cannot continue to push yourself to the brink of exhaustion. I understand your impatience to return to the world, but you must give yourself more time,” 

His patient nodded. He knew it all too well. Some days he felt just as he had before, but in seconds it could all come back to him and he would fall into a frantic state for days on end. He still had a hard time controlling it, which is why he had Dwight to help him. Perhaps it would always be like that. It frustrated him, but for the moment, he let it go. 

“Well,” Dwight said. “Shall we go? We’re fast losing light. I believe we shall be caught in the rain all the way out there,” 

George nodded. “There are worse things than a little rain,”

[thinfanatic]

hmmmm. well, i gained some of, not all of, but a few ounces back (.6) and while im not happy about this im reminding myself that this is about CONSISTENCY. my weight isn’t going to stay the same everyday because my body is still adjusting to me doing this again. i have to keep going in a stable way before things change for good. besides, that’s just this week! i started at 116.5 on april 16th, and as of may 20th (today) im at 110. i was at 110.8 on may sixteenth, by the way. 6.5 pounds is good for a month, i think. i should be down to 108 VERY soon!!!! this might sound like a weird milestone, but that was my stable normal weight around a year and a half ago. i went up to 111 in february, and then up to 116 in recent months. when im back to 108 i can start to get in the mindset of where i used to be! after that my goal will be a simple 105, just because it’s a good number, and then ill go by every five pounds. i know that eventually itll get kind of rocky and there will be times when i lose five pounds in a week and then gain it back for two weeks, but im preparing for that by reminding myself that this is about consistency. nothing will change if i don’t stick to this plan. ill slip up at times, but two days out of a month isn’t going to ruin all of my progress. eventually ill lose this upper arm fat. it wont jiggle when i shake my arm, it won’t be squishy, i wont be able to squeeze it like im going right now, while writing this. ill be able to wrap my fingers all off, or most of the way around it. ill be able to count my ribs without an issue and my stomach will lay flat under my hip bones. i wont need to use the air conditioner that i just got for the summer because ill be thin enough that the intense heat is keeping me at a normal body temperature. when i go to the doctors for my monthly med check ill chug water, as much as my stomach can handle. my clothes will be layered and layered to give me the extra weight so that they won’t notice how much ive lost. if they ask about it, ill say that quarantine has been weird. it’s been messing with my eating schedule. if this ends soon then ill say that my depression has been getting worse, but i can handle it, because no, i promise that im not suicidal. im eighteen now and they can’t put me in involuntary inpatient anymore, not unless i have a delusional break again. when i got that pair of grey jeans i was what? 102? 105? im oh so close to that. ill be able to slip them all the way on again (while they’re still zipped and buttoned!) without any terrible. my thighs won’t be squished in. they’ll be a perfect, roomy fit. when i went to that hairdresser she told me that i could be a model, because i was ‘just so skinny!’ i was wearing my black boots, jeans, a grey t-shirt, and an open vest. you could see where my ribs poked out and i was so, so proud of myself. 100 pounds. i still have that t-shirt, but i look fat in it now. that’ll end soon enough. a lot of my t-shirts are too small for me now and i miss wearing them. some of them were a small fit when i was that small anyways, but once ive lost this weight ill finally be able to wear them without a problem! the super skinny pants that she gave me will fit again. i still technically fit into them, but they’re skin tight and you can see how fat i am. if they were actual jeans this probably wouldn’t be that much of an issue, but they’re made out of this weird material. anyways, ill be able to comfortably wear them. my socks will slide down, i wont be able to wear my knee length ones anymore even though they help fend off the cold a little bit. when i was eighty pounds i didn’t set off the airbag detector. the light stayed blank. i need that again. i need it. she’ll pick me up with one arm and comment on how tiny and scrawny i am. men can already cradle me, but i want boys my age to do this too. i want to make kandi that fits on my thighs, only for it to fall down a month or two later. i want to have to make extra tiny kandi to hold up my arm warmers. people will look at me and be jealous.

[cowboyguts-moved]

Ok i’ve GOT to know 14 and 15 because josh...you have a torment hard-on unlike anyone else i have ever seen...why do you always have one OC who’s like a fucking orphan with a peg leg and almost starved to death as an infant or another one who ended up in the hospital and lost all of their money because their small time drug dealer turned out to be working for the colombian cartel and robbed them blind. josh why

ok tumblr wont let me post all of it but gimme a sec and ill edit this ask

edit:

HHSHDJDKXNXJDJZNSJ WHAT'S FUCKIN LIFE WITHOUT PERILOUS DANGER and inborn trauma and tragedy... i do it to purge myself of my own problems and to give me incentive for research and discovering different walks of life than my own ... you almost hit the nail on the head with lewis though which is the answer to

14. The roughest backstory I’ve given an OC

Lewis was made because the head of this cult wanted lewis to be born... kinda like symbolism for jesus's birth. i don't know all the lore for this cult yet but they're a small commune north of a small town in northern California. They have their own isolated community of two hundred people give or take. Lewis' mom was a teenage runaway and lewis' dad was a simple farm hand in a cruel family who treated him poorly because of mental disability and they had to have lewis because it was ordered of them and there was sorta no way out of it...they had a boy and for some reason the birth of this kid didnt feel right and he didnt feel like... divine enough to be used for ritual practice and the ultimate mission of these cults leaders... which would inevitably be a sacrifice of the boy. haha (: and so theyre like ...try again. so now Lewis was born with a fraternal sister but they only cared about Lewis...his real name is Aloysius for petes sake, he's named after a saint. Lewis isnt particularly singled out as he grows up like he doesn't know he's being especially watched because of some bullshit prophecy that was most definitely made up and no theres no angelic godly energy running through him everyone is just a bunch of freaks. Lewis grows up not knowing his siblings are his biologically because the commune is about group-raising. everyone is a sibling every adult is a parent. he doesn't know his mom is His mom but she watches him extra close and lewis gets an idea that this one women may be his Mom mom even though he doesnt have a strong concept of what that even means. Lewis is abused and neglected like other kids, him more severely by a man called Father Gabriel..we despise him ha ha. he's the most vile evil character i will ever make. Lewis's life is fine, not fine... because he's being raised in a cult... but fine in his eyes because he gets schooling in the small community school, he gets recreation activities..this is where he learns to paint, he does labor a lot but he does love when he gets to garden and pet the animals in their barn, he sings in the church choir. the hardest part about it are his visits with Father Gabriel that occur whenever father wants them to at whatever time of day and the neglect from the Brothers of the church as well. this starts when he's about 7 or 8

he's treated especially poorly and corporal punishment and solitary confinement and withholding of basic needs is a big thing. etc etc. this is a religious cult obviously so that sort of biblical fear is instilled in him. uhhh then for whatever reason i have to iron out the kids are allowed to go to private schools close by, probably as not to seem like a closed off and suspicious cult that draws attention. lewis meets chris at his school (: hehe. lewis still has to go back to the commune every weekend though and thats especially hell because things get worse when he's in middle school. uhh when high school comes around hes actually plucked out of the school system and is going back to living full time in the commune and being homeschooled except he and 5 children are selected to go on a Retreat with father gabriel and two of the Brothers..the retreat is actually just living in an abandoned home in the middle of Nebraska and its one big sacrificial ritual thats lasts a year and the kids are of course neglected, made to do odd rituals, are humiliated. uhh basically its Horror Movie stuff... i wanted it to feel like a horror movie that lewis is trying to escape from. theres no light in the house. they only use candles and daylight. theres limited food. hardly any outside time. the ultimate goal is that they'll eventually get very malnourished and then theyll be sacrificed... a little girl doesnt make it. Lewis is upset because he learned to love her as a sister. he can feel himself getting closer to death.... he has deep lacerations on his leg from abuse and theyre not getting treated and his tissue is dying and his leg is getting gangrene. he escapes one night through the corn field and he tells a man he sees in town to call the police and then flees. he realizes his leg is dying! he by chance meets a doctor! lewis has no money for amputation so he offers something Else and this disgusting doctor accepts!!! lewis is sent off with a bad wooden prosthetic and not enough healing time in bed and no physical therapy and his own supply of pain meds that will soon run out! lewis prostitutes for money and pain meds in mystic overhang!! he gets with very repulsive men that mistreat him! when lewis is touched he gets very pliable and limp as a coping mechanism! he stops the meds and withdrawals! thank you

15. The least painful backstory I’ve given an OC

My least painful backstory HHHSHDHSHS IS TANNER. jesus tanner grew up with a very...here or there father. he's not great at all. he's not the worst. but being around him feels kinda empty and they don't talk about much besides tanner in hockey and other common interests like that. his parents are divorced, he feels lost with his passions and where he's going in life. it all feels a bit aimless and he feels like he's on the Precipice of something bad or losing something he holds dear. like friends and memories and his girlfriend amiyah. his brother is really mean like pretty much abusive..he's 14 and he's narcissist asshole with a fucked up head and he makes his life hell and he's honestly a little frightening. sometimes his mom is unaware of the important things going on in tanners life and she's a bit harebrained and unfairly self absorbed but she is a good lady and he loves her. also we arent sure yet if this is canon material but he gets amiyah pregnant and she miscarries 3 months in SO...yeah there u have it.

[egotisticalee]

angelii-ii replied to your post

“angelii-ii: ok but them talking about pain reminded me of some of my...”

oh I'm down if you want to talk about them dude fdjhgfdjh

you know what? its pain story time gsdfdsfsdfsd ill put em all under a read more. tws for a couple vague mentions of blood, some unsanitary kinda stuff, menstruation, brief mention of surgery (not in any detail) and some detailed descriptions of a whole lotta pain.

okay so in remembering all my pain stories, ive remembered quite a few injuries i got when i was little, that i dont really remember the pain of, i just remember that it was painful, including

falling (with extra momentum) and splitting my gum open on cobblestones

getting smashed in the face with a dodgeball

that time i got a throat infection so bad that breathing hurt and i sat in the school office for several hours before my mum picked me up

falling off monkey bars, landing on my butt and being so winded that i couldn’t speak for ten minutes

being pulled over by my nana’s dog, landing on my shoulder and yet again being winded, this time so bad that i couldn’t breathe in for about ten seconds and for those ten seconds i genuinely thought i might die

that time i got a bladder infection - i remember writhing in pain in the backseat of my mum’s car as she drove me to A&E but i don’t really actually remember the pain

the chronic stomachaches i would have that i recently realised might be connected to my possible lactose intolerance/sensitivity and the fact that i pretty much only drank milk as a child (can you guess how the bladder infection happened)

with doing pole, i constantly get covered in bruises and such and a lot of moves cause some low-level pain but that’s because of the grip - the pain is mostly due to like, the pulling on the skin and its never really more than a few bruises and some tender skin on the thighs (except for that time where i somehow tore the skin of my thigh... underneath the top layer of skin fsdsadsa). the closest i’ve gotten to a proper pole injury is falling out of a duchess onto my arse and being a little more bruised that usual, and the several times in the past couple months that i’ve smashed my head into the pole whilst doing a flying cat at full power. 

and honestly pole has done a lot for my pain threshold. it’s like, i notice the pain is there, but it doesn’t bother me because i’ve felt it so often. and its also because i know that the pain of keeping this grip is way way less than the pain that i will feel if i let go sdfsdfsdfsd i find myself with so many small bruises now that i know aren’t from pole because of the position of them but i cant think where i got them - because they’re probably from bumping into things and that pain is so small and common to me that i immediately forget about it

on the other hand i also have. really bad hips. and sometimes when im just moving, ill catch a nerve and a shot of pain will go through my entire leg and that shit hurts. ive noticed it most commonly happens if i twist when im stepping somewhere but i dont turn the leg thats planted. i was also once balancing on one leg whilst putting a sock on and my hip just. popped out. and i think it immediately went back but i couldnt properly move that leg for ten minutes and i was in a fair bit of pain

my worst pain experiences though... hoo boy. i kinda narrowed them down to three.

im afab and i have periods so of course i gotta deal with cramps every so often, and they can get pretty bad - just like, doubled over, seeking out anything warm to put on my stomach. i’d say about a 5 on the pain scale. but after my gsce exams (exams that uk kids take in year 11 which is the equivalent of sophomore year of high school. they’re the first exams you take that you get an actual qualification from) i didnt have my period for 3 months. and if im late on my period, my cramps get bad. so on the 17th august, a week before my 16th birthday, ya boy was in fucking agony and for some reason in my brain i was also vehemently against taking any painkillers. eventually my nana convinced me to take one of her morphine tablets though and i felt way better hdfgdsff

theres also the time last november when i got an ear infection. earlier that day i had had a massive nosebleed that lasted for about 20 minutes and made me feel super woozy, so along with all the shit that came with dealing with that (i had to go to A&E to get checked out) it was already a pretty rough day. and then that evening my ear started hurting real bad and it just progressively got worse, and i hardly slept that night at all. i was in pure agony by like. 1am and it lasted the entirety of the night, no matter that i took painkillers. the only reprieve i got was at one point, i was watching yt videos and an ad for headspace came on, and i listened along to the meditation thingy it was doing, but of course once the ad was over, the pain was back full force and i could do nothing but cry (so of course i started to get a headache on top of all of it). thankfully once i got to the doctors the next day and got some antibiotics, it cleared up super fast. i was also talking to darkwarf (i wont tag him so he doesnt have to read this fdsffds) and funnily enough our talks that night were what birthed his character teddy.

and then what i think is officially the worst pain ive ever been in, was the first time i got my tailbone infection. me and my mum went on a coach to a roller derby game and at the end of the day my tailbone was aching quite a bit, as if i’d bruised it. i brushed it off as just being the fact that i had sat in shitty coach seats for several hours, then uncomfortable plastic chairs for more hours, then shitty coach seats again. the next day though. ya boi was in agony again. i could not find any way to be comfortable - the closest i could get to comfort was standing. every movement of my hips was pure pain and i couldnt walk properly. the pain was so bad i just could not put one foot in front of the other and i ended up walking by essentially swiveling on each foot and keeping my hips as still as possible.  the worst part was when my mum drove me to the walk in centre - although i knew that i was going to where i would be helped, the car. oh, the car. somethign about that seat - and since this infection has recurred several times, i know it is a feature of all car seats - maybe it was the angle, or whatever, but it was pure agony to sit in. i spent the whole car ride with my arm on the car door and my other hand on the car seat, holding myself up to make it not so bad, but with every bump of the car, pain was fucken. shooting through me. it would take me like 10 full seconds to lower myself into a chair or push myself out of one.  sleeping was awful cause i sleep on my side and i turn quite a few times before i can get to sleep - and of course turning with my hips how they were was incredibly painful. im not very vocal when it comes to pain but this thing had me yelping and everything. plus the antibiotics i had to take were fucking miserable. they tasted absolutely disgusting and i had to have them 4 times a day on an empty stomach (no food 2 hours before or 1 hour after) for 2 week and it was awful. this bastard is also recurring. the last time it got super bad was funnily enough about a week after my ear infection. honestly yall. late nov-dec 2018 was the worst fucken time for my physical health. but actually! in 2020 i am hopefully getting a surgery to stop the infections once and for all! but with the way the NHS is going, honestly who fucking knows. i do know that i will hunt down and kill boris johnson if he stops me getting this surgery.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

[midz13]

Sorry for being abscent tumblr, I’ve been super busy with the work! I’ll make a mega update here to get us caught up, and ill upload more photos after.

Since unwrapping the environment I have taken it to substance, got all the maps generated, made some optimisations on render time (Still some noise but render time is at 18minutes at some points so wont push it any more - waiting to hear back from Sang on how good the render time is/optimised the scene is before i send render farm requests) and done my animating!! Phew!

The substance painter stuff was good fun - I learend some lessons with the character, and knew the best way to approach this was to put everything under one material that I wanted on one map. To that end I put the entire room (walls floor etc) as one material (due to its physical size and wanting to put text on the floor) and the objects within the room - computers, piping, platform etc - on another atlas. Both atlas’ were 4k, and the only exceptions to that was a few individual maps - one for the robotic arms holding her, as I made them seperate and couldnt/dont know how to combine maps, and one for the pistol (ill show in next post) as I did that after (I decided a couple days before starting animation to test myself to model, wrap and texture a pistol in one day - I did it!! :D

I messed around with colour palette a bit with the room. I wanted a dark ominous room, but felt that showing the room with grey or dark surfaces lost the clean room/labratory feel. I think its vitally important in a sci-fi environment to try to keep real world links as close as possibly as they act like markers for the viewer to follow. I.e. by maintaing an aesthetic in this room or a labratory or hospital with the clean shiney surfaces, and the screen terminals using words like testing etc, the viewer will hopefully understand that its a lab/test facility of some description for the robot - That’s the plan anyway. By making the room darker, it might all into question the use or purpose of building. For example. is she there to be interogated? Has she been captured? As opposed to thinking oh this is a new technology...

I’ve not done any animation before, so was both excited and concerned to start, although it was a nice change of pace and helped keep me interested with a change of the usual workflow.

Luckily, as my story focuses on her being restrained for a large majority of the film, I didn’t have any massively challenging animation to do. However this didn’t mean I would coast the work and get it done as soon as possible. I wanted to make sure her acting and performance read as clearly as possible, as I need her movements to be one of the key indicators of her “state” i.e. human, or robot. I also quickly created blendshapes for her - I planned on her being unable to emote, but I felt this was a bit of a cop out. I didn’t want her to open her mouth, sure, as I felt that was a one way trip to uncanny that I coulnd’t use within the story, and would make her impossible to empathise with (if I had time, sure it would be a fun experiment to see what worked better, but time isnt on my side). This did mean that her emotions were slightly limited , BUT, because i wanted her to see trapped in her own body, and like her faculties were limited (due to the fact her head has been removed and put on a robot!!) I think it worked well. I created blendshapes for fear, sadness, anger, a blink, and a frown (to augment the other emotions). I’m so glad I did these, as the became key in a few of the shots, and really make them pop, and make her “come to life”, so I’m pleased I took the time to do them.

The animation was fun, a few issues came up however, but for the most part it was pretty straight forward. I took some videos of myself doing some of the movements as reference for the animations. I tried to do it in a week or less, which I managed, to make sure that I stay on target time wise, and as I opted to use After Effects to show the screens, I wanted extra time to learn - I want the screens to flash and change, and thought it would also be a good oppotunity to learn how to use After Effects as I’ve not used it at all.

I’ve spent a bit of time too working on camera movement and set up. I’ve weant for a 25mm focal length for most shots to show as much of the set as possible, situating the camera more. I try to frame each shot as well as possible to make it look good, draw the viewers eye to key information, and on a few shots, frame screens so that they can get plot information as to what is going on. It’s been difficult to make sure the camera looks as natural as possible, and not like a maya camera, which is tough. Camera work itself is an entire artform in itself...

So, I want to discuss a few of the issues I’ve had and how I got around them or solved them.

So, as I mentioned I had some issues with the animatiom. These came from the rig, and the blendshape.

First of all the blendshapes for her face - as I think I mentioned before, I did blenshapes for her bicepts so that when she moves her arm, her biceps will tense and relax to show that movement. It’s very subtle and probably never be noticed, but it looks cool when you look for it, and it was a great learning experience. I had to move its order in the channel editor to make sure it moved at the right time within the rig, and it worked totally fine, and easier than I thought! I did the same with the shoulder muscles, but more as corrective blendshapes as the rig/deformations isnt perfect. However, the face blendshapes wouldn’t play ball... I tried adjusting their order, I tried every combination, I tried deleting their history and their transforms, nothing worked - everytime I applied them, her head would shoot off into the distance. I spoke with both Sang and Michael and Patrick Sloan, eventually the 2 Sloans worked out that by deleting the meshes post, and applying them all as one blendshape (originally I did them one by one) it worked. I tried doing them as one BS without deleting them and for some reason it didnt work. I took it as it was and even asked Sang if he knew why (he didnt). As long as it worked though, I didnt care...

The next issue with the rig was something that totally slipped by somehow; When I rotate her global control her chest and abdomen wouldnt deform right AT ALL. I had no idea how it happened and started freaking out. The 2 Sloans couldn’t work it out either. If I grabbed her chest and her global, she would rotate better, but her stomach would twist up strangely. Eventualy Sang diagnosed that the issue was the IK Spine not twisting right, and that I must have done something wrong during the rigging stage. This was super frustrating as I took my time with the rig and followed Sang’s video perfectly. It must have been one little step, a constrain or a parent, that i missed, omited, or applied incorrectly, and more than a month later, it came to the surface. I was especially confused/frustrated as I tested the rig post completion and binding to check, but obviously hadnt used the global control to twist her. Sang found a work around, but it did mean that one of her spine controls was lost. I then realised towards the end of the animating that a few of her poses caused strange deformations, like verts jutting our, or generally not following the rest of her body too well. I would go into weight paints and smooth out the issue as best I could even though I couldnt see anything glaringly obvious, like an arm joint effecting her lower stomach, but now that I’m processing this, I wonder if perhaps losing a handle reassigne weights and didnt do it right??

Another issue I had was her armor and torso/muscles being SUPER Shiny. I couldn’t work this out especially as she looked totally fine within substance. Initially I assumed it was an arnold render setting and that I hadn’t turned samples high enough, but after optimising the samples using Sang’s tutorla (which made the render time too high unfortunately) I realised the issue remained. One day I eventually decided it wasn’t right and that it wasn’t just me - it was too much. I worked my way through Arnold’s material settings, turning this up, down, off, every which way, to see if it effected the shine. I eventually found the culprit was Diffuse Roughness and nothing more, and that by simple adjusting the exposure/alpha in the settings, it reduced this shine completely. The way I set up my materials meant that it effected her whole texture (even though muscle/skin and armor are in different graphs) so I lost a tiny bit of shine to her skin, but I think it still looks fine - if anything before hand her lips looked too shiney, as if she had on lip gloss.

I also had some issues creating the cabling for her helmet. I needed the cabes to flex and bend with her as they moved. In my head the best way would be and IK set up. Initially I tried this, and I use a cube to measure the start and end points, and used an arc to create a perfect bend over the 90 degrees. This was a good idea, and the cable could go from a 90 degree bend to perfectly straight, but any additional bend didnt work and just turned the cable. I then started thinking about IK Splines, and watched a few tutorials online but couldnt get it to work. It made sense though, a spline would allow the perfect movement! Evnetually me and Sang spoke a few times and he was able to find a solution. An spline set up that didnt work like an IK and meant I had to do lots of manual adjustments, but for the most part it looks great. So for the small cables on the sides of her helmet, i kept the simple but effective “fire and forget” IK cables, and for the rear of her head I used the spline, as this area would move and twist much more. It took a while to create and solve, but meant that it looked good and only took a small amount of additional work to animate.

I will upload some more images, such as test shots, the pistol (which barely gets any screen time, but only took a day to work on so not a massive loss.

Only a few weeks to go! Waiting for Sang to get back to me on scene set up and optimisation, once that gets the green light I’ll start sending render farm requests!

[blastthatsadfm]

For the send a ship thing, would you do Chikage and Kyo?

 Y E E S S, Noooow we’re talking!Now we’re talking! 

who is more likely to hurt the other?

Hear me out, hear me out on this, L I S T E N. I think… Kadota.

First off, I feel like Chikage’s is the one most prone to feel personally hurt about things. Like, Kadota would act cold towards him an entire day and Chikage’s already half angry, half upset. 

But mostly, I headcanon Kadota as the kind of guy who would have a strong denial phase right off the bat about having feelings for another guy, especially a guy with three more girlfriends. More on the “no homo” side, more on the “wow, I cant believe we kissed, I was so drunk, man, weird” that would fuck up with Chikage’s feelings real badly. 

who is emotionally stronger?Kadota. Chikage isnt weak, but his feelings are more volatile. I feel like Chikage is emotionally … braver, though. 

who is physically stronger? They seem to be on equal level by the source material, but I think Kadota wins by a tiiiiiny, tiny margin.

who is more likely to break a bone? Rokujou is a R E CK L E S S Mthrfucker

who knows best what to say to upset the other? This one is interesting. Kadota is level headed and a little more experienced, and exactly because of that, he would know what to say to hurt Rokujou.And exactly because of that, he wouldnt.

who is most likely to apologise first after an argument? Chikage, surprisingly?? He’s abrasive and raises his voice easily but he would be the one to regret an argument quickly. Kadota, on the other hand is gonna probably be pissed for days that he even Had to argue about anything.

who treats who’s wounds more often? Kadota got the most hurt on canon, poor dude. But on a daily basis is definitely him the one patching up the reckless Gang Leader who just has to get into fights everyday to protect each and every girl he sees.

who is in constant need of comfort? Defs Rokujou, even though he usually goes for his girlfriends on that one. Kadota will eventually and slowly learn how to pick up the signs about his bf’s feelings.

who gets more jealous? Kadota feels like he pretty much gave up on the right to be jealous when he decided to date a casanova whos already on a poly relationship with at least four other girls. With that said, it doesnt mean he doesnt feels jealous from time to time, especially if Chikage approaches other dudes. Kyouhei would like to feel exclusive at least on this, so if Rokujou could please keep it in his pants…Chikage on the other hand is just not a jealous soul, or at least he thinks himself so.

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? Chikage stoms off out of their apartment pretty easily during fights, but I feel like Kadota would be the one to try and run at the point he realizes he and Chikage became serious.  Like the “oh shit, no” realization hitting him when they both wake up together. It’s very short lived though, and he would face himself and inevitably come back.

who will propose? Rokujou. And oooh, he would be torturing himself on that entire week, scared of hearing a “no”, afraid of losing Kyouhei, afraid of losing the ring! (he would), and trying to come up with the most romantic scenario. At some point, it would finally hit him that Kadota literally never cared about any of that stuff and its the act that matters. Then, on a breath of inspiration, he would find himself kneeling in front of the bed, in which Kadota is slowly waking up. In short, just picture Kyouhei, at 6 am, grumpily rubbing his eyes to see his boyfriend, full of bandages on his face, with bedhair and wearing no shirt. At his knees, in front of him. Holding a ring.

who has the most difficult parents? No idea, but maybe Kyouhei? Idk why but I headcanon Rokujou’s mother as a Saint.I think Kadota’s family would be harder to please or to gain trust.

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? Rokujou to Kyouhei’s public embarassment.

who comes up for the other all the time? Kadota Kyouhei is The Most R E L I A B L E boyfriend you could ever have by your side, on any problem and on any gang fight, stop taking applications now, this man is the one. But Chikage doesnt disappoint, either.

who hogs the blankets? ChikageRokujou will hog the blankets the entire night, drool on your sheets, drink your cofee and steal your coat before walking out of your door without so much as a thank you or a sorry. But with plenty of smiles. 

who gets more sad? Chikage. Just… volatile emotions, why cant he have Kyo’s trust?? is he stronger than Kyo??? Does Kyouhei loves him back?? etecetera. He probably also gets drunker.

who is better at cheering the other up? Kyouhei is pretty good at his solemn kind of way of cheer someone up, being the stable part of a relationship in which his partner and friends can rely on, with his “Ill make you some tea… or maybe some hot chocolate” and “whatever happens, Ill always be here, got it?” and asking them if they wanna talk about it. 

Rokujou is pretty good at his clownish way of cheering his partner up, with his smiles and innapropriate jokes and “Guess whos here?? Your favorite person! So Stop frowning!” and “I’ll beat up who made you sad, in a heartbeat! Just say the word! Was it me?? Ill beat myself up!”

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes? Both! Mostly Kadota, but Rokujou gets to do that too after Kadota gets more confortable to talk about their relationship.

who is more streetwise? Rokujou wins this only by a tiiiiny bit. Theyre both very streetwise but Rokujou has the natural charm and malice Kyohei never possessed.

who is more wise? Kyohei, for sure. I feel like he only loses being streetwise for Chikage exactly because he’s wiser, and always has in mind what really matters out of the things in life.

who’s the shyest? Kadota Kyohei is still not ready to talk about his boyfriend, repeating, Kadota Kyohei is still not ready to talk about his boyfriend; no, Not even for you, Erika, it doesnt matter how many  BL mangas youve read, put that stuff down! 

who boasts about the other more? Not a single citizen in Saitama missed the opportunity of hearing Chikage Rokujou brag about his boyfriend and how hard he can punch! Have you heard about it yet?? Cuz he wont let you walk out until he can TELL YOU ABOUT IT! He would boast about Kadota for the exact wrong reasons. 

who sits on who’s lap? “For the last time, Chikage-san, there’s enough space for you here, this is a V A N, so if you could please get out of Kadota’s lap and join Karisawa and Walker on the backseat…” “CUZ U’RE DISTRACTING ME, THAT’S WHY, I CAN T DRIVE LIKE THAT!” 

Togusa is a tortured soul.

[richard-of-windoor]

naknaknakadile

Tell me about your ocs!!!!!!!

imagine. i launched myself through your window rn 

ive been having a lot of oc feelings lately but i also have a sort of writers block and i  w anna cry. im gonna do a read more tho bc im scared itll get really long. also i want my series to eventually be a video game s o some elements may sound very game like for that reason

okay!!! s o the setting is high fantasy so expect magic and fantasy races. i also rework a lot of things out of the blue but this is what theyre like right now

*last name subject to change one day maybe

Davorin Mors - vampire and necromancer. i still cant decide if i want vampires to have lived hundreds of years or regular human years s o his age rn is either 16 or 1698 (every hundred years equal one year for vamps). The Mors family is related to Agatha the goddess of death and ruler of the underworld which is how Dav got his powers bc vampires sometimes dont have magic. Davorin’s older brother Vladimir is very upset Dav got powers instead of him which causes a lot of tension between them. 

Davorin is quiet and observant but can also end up being very reckless. he was forced into being a sort of servant to Agatha bc she feels he owes her for giving him powers that he didnt even ask for. so he is very very jumpy around her bc shes a god so. very powerful. Davorin still doesnt have great control over his powers bc necromancy is the darkest magic and even with being a vampire one wrong spell could kill him so he has to hold back  a lot (which is also sort of an excuse for him not to be too overpowered in the series). as a vampire he used to be okay with sucking blood from people bc it was what all vamps did, but he feels disgusted with his past self and refuses to drink blood from unwilling people now. he almost always wears an enchanted coat (it grows with him so it always fits) into battle that his uncle gave him before he was killed. he uses a scythe mainly but likes to use knives/daggers. i love him dearly. 

Vince Solastice* - vampire and bard. comes from a long long line of bards so music is literally in his veins. 15. he loves being center of attention and loves the stage. hes sort of the yin to davorin’s yang while Dav is very quiet, Vince is very loud. he was born with albinism so he grew up bullied for it in school. he ended up dying his hair and wearing colored contacts for a long time. he puts on a very confidant, tough act but hes actually kinda insecure. hes very good at hiding it tho bc not even Davorin has picked up on it yet. he picks a lot of fights in school bc people accuse him of stealing their boyfriends a lot. hes very flirty and loves making others flustered. he loves teasing others esp nate bc nate gets super riled up. hes flamboyant and pretty open about his sexuality (which flusters Nate a lot who Vince calls a prude).

he sometimes works with Dav to do stuff for Agatha but she really hates him. shes snapped his wrist before but he’ll do anything to help Dav. he wants to get Dav away from her but doesnt know how. 

he was born and raised in France, but then moved to Romania and then to California. the Solastice and Mors family are good friends which is how Dav and Vince met. ive been playing around with the idea of giving him older sisters but as of now hes an only child.

Nate Ryder - human and wizard (dont have a term for his magic yet). 14. a young boy who grew up in a village that was filled with ancient magic and culture. but then the Serpents attacked them. 

the Serpent King is an evil king basically. i need to work on him more.

anyways the Serpents took Blake and Nate and pillaged and destroyed the village. Blake and Nate were made to become servants to the Serpent king. Nate is more heavily focused on magic and uses a staff. his magic and combat was taught by other Serpents so its going to be better than others. the Serpent castle also had a huge library of (stolen) books so Nate knows a lot about history and cultures. since he was very young when he was taken he doesnt remember much of his own, he cant even recall his parents faces. eventually Blake and Nate escaped (they realized just how cruel it is and what they were doing) the Serpent castle and run as far away as they can. after that they dedicated their lives to helping others. they know they cant fix what theyve done but they can at least work towards redemption. the big problem is that they were both branded when they were brought to the castle. so they have a big white serpent going along their arm (left for nate, right for blake) and people easily recognize it so they dont get treated that greatly.

Nate is very stubborn and aims towards perfection. hes a believer of “if you want something right do it yourself”. due to the way he was raised he was forced to grow up fairly quickly so hes mature for his age so to speak. but he does have moments of childlike behavior which pleases blake a lot. Nate is also very tactical and wants to always have control of a battle (which is why he clashes with Dav’s reckless behavior). hes esp protective of Blake in battle since hes the only family he has left. hes willing to lose a battle for Blake’s sake. he has a lot of issues with trusting others and looks down on friendship. i always wanted to have Nate be THE character who changes the most overtime. while i want everyone to have development i want nate to grow the most for some reason

Blake Ryder - human, half dragon, and fighter. 18. Nate’s older brother. same backstory as above but instead of focusing on magic when he was younger Blake focused more on combat. a master with the swords. a slightly different aspect of his backstory was that the Serpents experimented on him when he was younger. (tell me if this sounds dumb btw) they put dragon DNA into him which caused him to become half dragon. he still has no idea how to control it or what he can even do, but he does know he has to keep it a secret (except from Nate). he appears fully human s o nothing does ticks anyone off. he does have a bad habit of smoking bc he says he needs to feel some sort of fire in his lungs to feel right (Nate refuses to believe him and hates the habit). he does eventually learn how to use his powers but theyre obv much less powerful than a real dragons (which have been extinct for a long ass time. also another way to not make him op).

he doesnt talk much. Nate does the talking for the both of them. when he does talk though, hes very calm and patient. unless its concerning Nate. since they dont have parents his become Nate’s in a way. reprimanding him when he gets to hot headed, making sure hes taken care of himself, etc. he also didnt get to have much of a childhood but he just wishes Nate could have one. like Nate he also has a very tactful mind and aims for the best solution to victory so the two work extremely well together. 

Kristen Masuda* - human, fighter. an upbeat, energetic transgirl. 16. wants the best for everyone and wants everyone to get along!!! loves her friends and would do anything for them!! fun fact: was the second oc i ever made!!!

growing up her mom taught her that teamwork is the recipe for success so tries her ultimate best to work well with others. can be naive and easily  trusting which puts the team at risk from time to time. she gets very upset after these times and feels she isnt a good leader at all for her team and shes just going to lead her friends into danger. 

shes been trained in close combat so mainly uses swords. she can use magic but i havent decided what her magic should mainly be. i think what ill have her do is enchant her sword.

she gets upsets during friend fights and tries to patch them up. she gets told that she should let them patch things up but she just cant stand seeing her friends fight and be mad at each other.

Valerie Perxina* - fairy, fighter, and magic user. 16. loves fashion and always looks her best. she thinks of every day as a new fashion show. she fights with Nate and Vince mostly for that reason as shes self titled herself the prettiest of the group

she grew up in the forest with other fairies as is the usual. but she hated them all and was considered weird for wanting to explore the outside world. she eventually got fed up and left in the night. she hasnt gone back since. shes extremely edgy around other fairies for that reason and doesnt like them. she met Kristen one day while looking for a place to settle and the two became quick friends

she knows what she wants and prefers it when things go her way. she questions anyone since Kristen is so easily trusting with people. Valerie’s sharp tongue can get the group in a lot of trouble. also wont tolerate anyone who sees her as just a pretty face. 

she uses a cutlass for close combat and magic for distance. i havent been able to think of a lot of fairy magic so as of right now its not much.

Luke (no last name yet :( ) - element (ice), magic user. 15. a happy boy who loves cracking jokes and making the mood lift!!! 

quick explanation of the (probably dumb) element thing: basically a person who is made of a certain element. in Luke’s case his body is made of ice and he has ice powers. so his body is always freezing and he loves the cold more than anything. 

anyways!! Luke grew up in a village in the snowy mountains with other ice elements but he never found himself becoming long term friends with anyone. so he left to go on his own. he later found Max and the two found Valerie and Kristen and the four became fast friends. Luke is the youngest of the group so hes the most immature and doesnt like it super serious long meetings. he does know of course when to act serious but he just likes making people happy esp Nate who he feels is always serious and unhappy. 

he can use ice powers and walk on water by turning it to ice. he can also breath underwater (due to the fact that hes sort of made of water) so underwater quests are up to him. his preferred weapon is an ice sword he creates.

his original concept had him and max growing up in britain so they have english accents and you can pry that concept from my cold dead hands. their accents are strong

Max Ignis****** (I know dumb last name so its def getting changed) - element (fire), magic user. 18. laid back and just wants to play guitar. if only he would stop burning his strings :(

grew up near a volcano with little population. so he mostly grew up alone. he met Luke (who was wandering aimlessly around the world) and decided to join him. he likes relaxing and when things are calm but his temper can fire up sometimes. he doesnt like fighting and will try to keep things peaceful if able. but hes ready to protect someone when needed

his favorite thing to do is smoke with blake (and davorin at times) since max is literal fire. he enjoys smoking and filling himself with smoke. he also likes playing guitar with vince, but he feels like vince is too strict about music sometimes.

his uses his fists when fighting and launches fire balls.  sometimes hes able to melt a weapon but he has to get close and ahold of it to do it

Cameron Green - human, magic user, probably crying as we speak. 16. didnt want to be the chosen one and doesnt know whats going on.  FIRST OC EVER CREATED BTW

Cameron and Andrew are the big plot people. theyre the reason the plot happens and arguably the most important two. but i still want everyone to have an equal spotlight. 

Cameron is a space wizard. which means he can do things such as star bombs which causes a blinding flash, change the gravity for a small area, and have meteors fly down. the space wizard hasnt been heard of for a long time and is considered an ancient magic. the only problem is Cameron is wielding it.

Cameron is clumsy, cautious, and terrified. hes terrified of what he can do and what could happen if he messes up (will he hurt his friends, will he fail the world, will he disappoint everyone). he was unknown to the magic world growing up due to not knowing his real parents. he and his brother were dropped off at a orphanage one night after it was deemed too dangerous from an attack for their parents to keep them. he grew up being considered an outsider and a loner in a small town in Nebraska. he loves creating art and drawing and painting is his speciality. while Andrew may be the opposite of Cameron, he still loves him and protects him the best he can. Cameron can be mouthy but quickly shuts up if someone stronger than him shows up (which is. most people). Next to Nate I want Cameron to have a lot of growth as well. him growing used to his powers and being able to wield them and him growing confidant in himself. 

i love Cameron dearly since he is the first oc ever made by me. i bought platform boots bc of him and im pretty sure he helped me realize i was always goth bc hes always had those big platform boots for some reason. 

Cameron likes to uses a staff summoned from the galaxy to fight with. it sounds very extra but its just a staff that has the sun on one end and the moon on the other. very sick.

(this pic is tiny but u can see the platform boots a bit)

Andrew Green - human and magic user. 15. wants to protect the earth more than himself. this kid will slap you if you dont recycle. 

Andrew is an earth wizard which is very generic in fantasy but i plan on having it as rare as the space wizard in my world. i wanted something to connect them as brothers so i decided to do the earth and space thing. basically an earth wizard is always accompanied by a space wizard and vice versa. the two are always blood related also. 

Andrew’s powers are kinda generic in fantasy bc earth is always used. he can make vines appear, shake the earth, form rocks, etc. his sword is summoned from the ground and has a very earthy appearance. 

Andrew is seen as the perfect boy. popular, outgoing, friendly. people refused to believe he was related to Cameron. When Andrew found out about magic it was estatic , he was a huge fantasy fan and was more than ready to take whatever it threw at him. which ended up being a lot. Andrew tries his best to keep up with whatever is happening but sometimes. life just gets too much and he loses it. when stressed he tends to go to places with lots of nature and trees. 

When Cameron cant stay motivated Andrew tries his best to keep him up. 

beep beep this ended up being way longer but!!!!!!!!!! this helped me get lots of shit straight so thank u for asking!!!!!

[saintkimora]

here is how my last date went w joel (once again i have mixed feelings about it) plus how things are going now

so i saw him the other night. i got there and it was him marissa and lindsey as usual but they also had their friends moshe and adiena there. so that was kinda awkward (for me at least). they were all just sitting around talking and moshe and joel were playing mario kart on the switch and then joel made everyone watch like category is, read u wrote u, the s8 and 9 finale lip syncs, and the alyssa edwards drop dead gorgeous mix. it was kinda awkward bc the others werent really into it after the first 2 videos (except marissa legend) so i was getting secondhand embarrassment but it was still fun i guess since i got to sit next to my man

BUT then things took a turn for the worst bc joel made some attempt to include me in the group conversation. i got so sweaty instantly and i was wearing a tank so i was like fuck! nothing to cover it up. so yeah eventually moshe and adiena left and it was just us the 4 sisters again

marissa started vacuuming and lindsey was showing us some books she has. then they both went to their rooms and it was just me and joel. he said chris was still in his room playing tekken 7 on his ps4 and he didnt wanna kick him out yet so we stayed in the living room and he made me watch the great british bake off with him and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring omg like this is what yall call a competition? it was not intense at ALL literally flop shows only

then eventually we went into his room and he kicked chris out (after playing one round w him) so it was just us. this is where the date got enjoyable

one of the things he did was he started talking to me about his opinions on like race and stuff currently in america. and his opinions were all p good except for a few so that was fine. it was nice i guess to have like a serious convo w him i guess

THEN he referenced something from his childhood and i didnt know what it was obv so he was like “ive never told you the story of my childhood??” so he told me and oh my gosh it was so SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD omg im not gonna put all his business on here but it was such a sad story and i felt so bad for him and i wished i met him years ago so i couldve been there for him through all of it. but yeah it was v unfortunate i was like shocked like he seriously could not catch a break and he explained to me how the things from back then affect him to this day w like his anxiety for example and yeah. like obv i wasnt happy to hear about all those sad things but i was happy that he told me bc it made me feel closer to him

now for the part i DIDNT like. so at one point he somehow tried to talk to me about what celebrities and porn stars we think are hot. i did not want to have this conversation bc it feels pointless for me bc i dont keep up w celebrities and plus like the guy im with is always the #1 hottest guy for me so i dont feel the need to lust after celebs and porn stars. but whatever he was insistent on talking about this so we did. and the part that made me feel :/ was that none of the guys looked like me. like literally all the celebrities and porn stars he listed literally looked NOTHING like me whatsoever. like i didnt have a SINGLE thing in common w any of these guys. so to hear him going on and on about how hot these guys are and how they could have him any day and stuff was just kinda deflating to me bc they were all like the complete opposite of me in terms of looks. like they were all super buff daddy types and i have like 0 muscles and i dont really have strong chiseled features either. like i know im prob being oversensitive/too competitive but idk it just made me uncomfortable

and then when i told him all my faves it was different bc he did have a lot in common w all the guys i mentioned. he was like “im noticing a pattern here” and hes right, like if i did have a “”type” he would probably be it. i personally dont like talking about hot guys w any guy im currently with bc for me its like if the guy im with is all heart eyes emoji about another guys looks then obv im gonna look at this guy and compare myself to him which is not something i want to do since most of the time the other guys have me beat. so i dont bring up guys i find hot for the same reason bc i wouldnt want the guy im with to feel insecure or inadequate or contribute to a negative body image or something. i know not all people think like this and lots of people are perfectly fine w admiring other guys w their s/o but for me its just not something i like to do

so that was the worst part. it made me feel kinda empty the next day (in the moment it wasnt as bad, it was uncomfortable but it wasnt until later that i realized that i really did not look like these guys at all). actually i think this convo happened before the childhood convo. but anyways after all those convos that is when we fooled around

so this time it was fun! first he had me teasing his hole w my dick. its mildy pleasant to me but he like loves it lol. then he did the same to me but his dick was like lubed up from when i was jerking him off beforehand and it really felt like his dick was THIS close to slipping into my hole omg i was nervous i was like if he moves his hips slightly too much im literally gonna lose my virginity LMAO but it was still fun! he ended up cumming on my hole which i honestly didnt mind bc it was easier to clean since its less surface area than say my stomach or something

then i jerked myself off while he kissed me and played w my nipples and stuff since thats still my preferred way to cum. it was nice and then we showered together afterwards. and i forgot to mention it but a few dates ago we showered together for the first time which was super fun!! that time i sucked/jerked him off in the shower until he came. this time we had already cum so we just cleaned ourselves 

then we went to sleep. we woke up and got ready and i got to see him eat breakfast! he had cereal and he looked soooooooo cute omg and then we left his apartment together, then parted ways bc i had to go to my car and he was going to the bus stop down the street. he left bc he is visiting his family back home bc he needs to get some documents to do something for fafsa and he wont be back until wednesday. and i leave on thursday so rip we just have one more chance to see each other 

so that was that! also on the date before that we played this really fun game together called lovers in a dangerous spacetime and i had so much fun! omg we were such gaymers

so yeah thats it! one more date before we have to be apart for a month. im really sad about it actually like ive been getting really emotional over it. like im gonna miss him but also hes kinda going through a difficult time in his life right now and it makes me feel really bad that i wont be able to be there for him in person when he needs me. and ofc im still worried he might meet someone else, like a month is a long time so its v possible for him to forget/lose interest and try to find a new man instead. and these gay apps are location based obv so he could be reinstalling grindr or something and i would have no idea since im so many miles away!!! i doubt he would but again i didnt think caleb would do that either and i was wrong on that so im not trusting my own judgment anymore

im gonna try to enjoy greece but im gonna miss him a LOT and i just hope hes able to hold himself together while im gone since i wont be here to comfort him since im gonna be on another continent. if he does meet someone else im gonna be really sad about it but i am gonna try to be optimistic about it and ill still be able to text him like every day so its gonna suck but it could be worse i guess

[sexyversace1988-blog]

I never asked for this the stress the strain the pain. All i did was fall in love apparently thats a crime. I just wonder why god would let me fall in love with someone who eventually would just fall out of love with me. I know she is hurt but i dont think hanging out other guys is going to make her feel better. The saddest thing is i dont even know if ill ever find that connection again. Im at a loss for words she wont admit it but she knows she is doing wrong. If you want other guys around the most decent thing you can do is let me go. I would give you the same coutesy, the same respect. I have never been a man who was jealous. You made me jealous because of how much i love you how invested i was in you. My struggle is now with myself because as mad as i am i still love you i still wish i could hold you and you would tell me im your big sexy man. I still wish i could pintch your thighs and call you baby steaks. I have not forgot the amazing wonderful times i have had with you. Im strong ill get through it but my heart is weak with pain and stress. You may not understand now but one day maybe a scenario like this may happen to you. One where someone you want and care about is just not in it like you. I wish you would just call me up and say corey you were always the man of my dreams the one i want and i have stopped talking to those guys because they mean nothing to me. I would run to you open arms and give you the best sex a women could ask for. Real talk. I hope you read this because i want you to truly be in my shoes. And yes i very much know your pain as well i know i left and stressed you out but you were alwsys the one i loved there literatly is no one els. I assumed and by the way you wished i was there that we might be able to make it work. We have been apart before and always worked it out i have loved you from the moment we met i think about that day all the time. Sitting there drinking wine and talking i knew you were someone special someone who i could really fall in love with. I honestly got scared threw walls up and told you i didnt wsnt to date anyone. But you found your way into my heart, i remember you tellibg me to go to sleep one night and i heard you crying i came out and you thought because you were gettibg your kids full time i would leave. And you really never held me there either you said you understood i remember thinking hmm i really like this girl im fallin in love with her everyday a little more i will take it on. And i did and we were very happy the next year of our relationship we built a home a family and a life for ourselfs and it was beautiful. I guess what im trying to say is i remember the greatest of times im not focused on the negtive. However it has been pretty negative i want you to be happy. I also want to be happy, with out you i admit im going to be a very sad man for a good solid probably 6 months to a year at least that is what i predict. I think about you literatly 80 % of my day well you and my grandma. I act crazy because i want you to see how much i want you i take it very seriously. It maybe isnt the best way to go but im really struggling with this whole situstion and out of pure desperstion im trying my very best to savour what ever little bit of love and respect we still have for each other. I just dont want to lose you, but like i said being friends and watching you make other connections and live a life away from me is a real downer. Its really hard for me to even imagine knowing anymore then i do.hearing that guy in the backround today made me really take a step back realise some things. I have always been a good man i really have i have always been someone to talk to when you need or just a good friend in general. I really want someone who honestly wants to do the same for me. Who just understsnds my crazy and embraces it cause they know its because i love them so much that the world falls apart as soon as we dont talk. I wanted that someone to be you, i still do i hope this isnt the end i love you my dear honestly

[stixxandbones]

Struggling Hard (T.W?)

I didn’t eat yesterday and I have not eaten today (currently 9 PM), in fact I haven’t really left my bed in the last 2 days.. I have no energy to do so. This morning I had plans to be productive but I literally used up every bit of energy I had left to shower and get dressed (which I didn’t even want to do as I had a bad body image today.. but after a week I figured I probably should). I am freezing all the time and just don’t want to leave my bed, I don’t have the energy anyways.. which I know I should eat to fix that but I just can’t bring myself to have anything that involves chewing and calories in general are freaking me the fuck out... especially considering the fact that I have no energy to do anything and am stuck in my bed... I can’t afford to take in any calories... but damn I would kill for a nice cup of hot soup or something...but I don’t even have any “safe” soups like broth, I only have tomato which is a little to much for me. I want some popcorn seasoning to sprinkle a bit on my hand and lick but I don’t have any... so I will probably just have a sip of pickle juice before bed... yum... (note sarcasm) Ugh I want pizza... I want pickles.. I want soup... But I can’t have anything and it is driving me insane. I get SO moody during these restriction times, everyone can tell when I am in restriction mode because I stop leaving my bedroom after a while and because I am such a miserable person to be around... and it’s because I am so angry at my Eating Disorder.. I am so angry that this shitty illness exists... I am pissed off that so many people have to go through this and so any deaths occur.... I am pissed I can’t eat normally... I can’t go out for dinners, I can’t enjoy family meals, I can’t enjoy food even though I actually love food and cooking and learning... everything frustrates me about this stupid fucking illness.... So I get angry... but I don’t tell anyone because no one ever gets it.. unless of course they struggle themselves. I have cried to my parents because “I just want to be able to eat” and “I just wish I was normal” and “I hate this so much!!” and they respond with ... “Just eat! have something small! some soup? Just do it!” “ Just Do It” ... damn if only it were that easy.. I feel as though when I go to eat my throat starts closing and my mouth forgets what it’s job is besides talking and bitching and complaining.. it forgets it is suppose to chew and help me get nourished... I just want to vomit before I even swallow anything.. the over whelming feeling of regret and self-hatred slaps me across the face as soon as I put anything in my mouth and I have to spit it out and even still... I still feel like I did something awful. I am so depressed.. It’s like I am staring at a glass wall.. looking at what I could be but unable to get there.. just watching in misery wishing what could be. I say it all the time but I am so so SO tired of living like this, if you even consider this living.. hell I barely call it existing... I just wish one day I wake up and this is all just a horrible nightmare.  My body hurts, my body aches, I have sores on my butt and back from my bed, my hair is falling out more then it already was, I have no energy, I am nauseous all the time, my gums and teeth are in so much pain, my fucking fingernails are rotting!, My skin is yellow/white/gray and blotchy as fuck, I am literally starving but my brain is convincing me that I am not even though my stomach is cramping.... yet I am still “fat”.

I am miserable for nothing... fuck I hate this. Every day is the same old fucking story and yet I still am a fat low life piece of shit. I am so tired of living... I don’t want to die but I want this all to end. When my mom gets home from work tonight I MIGHT talk to her about how I am feeling... me and my mom have a weird relationship.. growing up (I honestly don’t remember because I was so young) I was a huge mommy's girl, but she started working all the time and I use to lay on the couch with my bottle and blanket and wait for her to come home, but I always fell asleep before she did and my dad would carry me to bed and tuck me in and the next day my mom would be off to work again (I remember all of that, but I don’t remember ever actually spending time with her). I got use to her never being home and we drifted apart, me and my dad didn’t get along through my teen years (which is so crazy to me now because that guy is literally my heart and soul and I could NEVER imagine life without him), so I had basically no parents for a good chunk of my life.. after plenty of drug over doses and night of sneaking out.. I eventually “grew up”.. my mom is still basically never home and our relationship is strained but I love her and she deals with mental illness as well.. I still have a very big place of being comfortable with her in my heart, I can be open and honest with her about pretty much anything if I am in the right mood... I can cry to her about my Eating Disorder and she will hug me and cry with me and tell me things will get better. I am still that little girl in my heart waiting for my mommy to get home from work so I can hug and kiss her... just now I have a hard shield up from the world.  I would like to talk to her tonight but I also hate talking to her about how I am feeling and opening up to her about certain things because shes a mother.. she is my mother.. she hurts when I hurt.. she doesn’t want to know that her daughter is starving and in so much pain physically, mentally, emotionally... she deals with depression herself and I hate hurting others... and sometimes I just think about things so much that I get so exhausted that when it comes down to verbally letting it out.. I just can’t... I feel like I am repeating myself over and over and over when in reality it’s just that I have been telling myself over and over and over.. with no feedback except negativity... so when it comes down to attempting to express myself to others, it is exhausting and frustrating and never quiet comes out the same because I have to hold things back so I don’t make the person I am talking to feel terrible about themselves (i.e my mom..) Anyways I am just going to cut myself off because this will never end. Just going to have a cigarette, drink some beer, and lay down. my mom wont be home for another 1 1/2 hours so I will probably be asleep by then..