#ill probably need to colour it at some point but fuck. the concept. its so. perfect.

[coridallasmultipass]

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[lilyrealm]

LETS TALK ABT THE AGESWAP AU BECAUSE IM. IM Bored and think its fun! disclaimer: this is very long and VERY messy because i just rambled and typed whatever appeared in my head, so some characters metas are in different parts of the post. i plan to neaten everything up somewhere else eventually so uh... yes. i also took the liberty of bolding the first mention of characters in their parts so its easier to find a specific char...? honestly its so hard to see on pc but i know that on mobile its a lot more obvious (mobile edit: so that was a fucking lie. i think its bc i see all those imagines blogs do it but they also colour the bolded words differently so its more obvious. oh well

so i call it ageswap because the initial concept stemmed from all the sibling pairs. klee albedo, jean barb, ayato ayaka, you get it. just... wouldnt it be cool to imagine... older sister klee, still very bomb-happy, and a baby bedo who somehow still has to make sure klee doesnt bomb all of mondstadt. though i would hope that now shes older shes a bit more sensible, but shes not human so i dont even know what age she should be. is albedo 500? (also imagine klee making bombs with baby amber. thats a role model)

anyway. i am assuming jean and barbs parents took 1 child each due to age (older -> knights) which means itd be knight barb deaconess jean. although, are they really fit for their jobs? sure you can def make a case for "theyre brought up differently" but thats not the point of this au. anyway i think neither of them would advance far in their field (well jean might but not as a deaconess) barbara wont have the kind of drive to be acting grand master (im not saying shes not like, determined or a hard worker, but she might not be as strict as she should be, perhaps. its hc land ok if she were acting grand master itd just be a roleswap) and jean isnt much about singing, she'd probably hold a high position within the church is all. itd be fun if she found kid!rosaria and adopted her into the church. though itd ALSO be fun if barbara found her instead, she'd be sooo warm... imagine mini knight rosaria lol.

jumping to inazuma for a while, it would also be interesting to see the kamisatos swapped... ayaka would probably have less of a princess image if she has to lead the clan. more girlbossy though there might still be hidden passion and desire to be normal, just a different flavour. and lol princely ayato i hope everyone buys him boba or something. what if he (sorry if this isnt accurate please dont flay me alive) brings back thoma from ritou island like oneesan can we adopt him and ayakas like we're fucking brok (i joke she probably wouldnt say that. would she?)

anyway moving on. this is less like ageswap and more like roleswap im realising, cuz i was thinking abt what if xiao and ganyu swapped ages/birth eras. the problem is i dont know whether ganyu should just take xiaos place in the whole trapped by some demon and zhongli rescues her thing. but no matter what the roleswap here means shes the vigilant yaksha... wouldnt that be quite the look.

baby xiao

ok ill be serious. this means baby xiao was brought up by cloud retainer LO

i cant take this seriously. should xiao be the half-qilin. please. i need to see this. outfit swap, make a new outfit, whatever, i just think itd be funny to see characters with a completely diff aesthetic and temperament. (this also counts for genderswaps in stories where gender roles exist, which is nearly all of them unless youre making your own society...)

so moving on—haha imagine cloud retainer going "let me tell u abt when xiao was a kid" and xiaos like NO PLS—woah what was that. actually would you age/roleswap venti and zhongli or zhongli and xianyun. this is more ageswap than roleswap i think so its probably xianyunWHICH ACCIDENTALLY JUST MAKES HIM XIAOS DAD AGAIN though the dynamic should be different...? but no if i want zhongli to act like xianyun thats a role/personalityswap isnt it. im supposed to think what if xianyun was born in zhonglis time (oh god would she even be the geo archon? realistically probably not but if we dont want to veer too wildly off course... no wait maybe she can still be liyues archon but the element just isnt geo. she must be... another element or a new one... we'll get back to this. we'll just say she was an archon, saved ganyu, etc i think shed be much less flippant with all those years and wars under her belt. though to be fair zhongli can also be stupid funny sometimes but 😭 how am i supposed to write my lil hcs if theyre not a little ooc[shot]

so anyway. i went on a tangent. the next pair i wanted to talk about is shenhe and chongyun. just... yk part of this is just to see chars with diff vibes and fits, im unsure how different in personality theyd be here (as in theyd act the way the other acts in canon) though i guess thats a nature nurture question. but which parts of a person arent nature... okay wait. so. this is ageswap not roleswap, which means they must each retain their special thing: chongyuns yang and shenhes... er... murderous vibe (yk i actually have a crack pairing of her with signora bc theyre both fiery dangerous women tempered by their cryo BUT IM GETTING OFF TOPIC.) and this is ageswap so they should be born in the same places...

wait... so xiao and ganyus birth circumstances wouldnt change. but would it make sense for xiaos captor to be alive during the cataclysm or was he one of the smaller gods morax killed before the archon war. we'll say yes so we dont have to scrap everything. ganyu is still half-qilin thought im unsure if shed be a yaksha, its not exactly her nature (because of the qilin part ive heard). during this time liyue was still interacting with the adepti right, so maybe shes alr been working among humans lol

so xiao... would probably be rescued close to before the cataclysm... he could train to help them there (i think ganyu helped too) but he probably wouldnt be part of the five yakshas. maybe just a normal yaksha like that guy we built a temple for. or he could die no, realism brain, stop ruining the hcs. but yea hed have way less angst abt the five(now four) since he didnt really know them, probably. (what if they babysat him) but maybe he'll feel some inferiority like templeguy (im so sorry dude let me google���pervases thats right) im not gonna lie, a lot of xiao ganyu ageswap concept comes from how ganyu is very intimidated to be taught by xiao in her story quest and hes just like this is just what we do.

younger xiao might also be less affected by karma, so who knows what his temperament might be like?

okay baaaack to shenhe and chongyun. shenhes past probably plays out the exact s—hold on i havent resolved (in my mind) the xianyun zhongli ageswap. or less of a specific char ageswap but more swap this persons age to the opposite (young/old). but zhongli has to be part of the archon war?? would xianyun even step up to be archon!? maybe i just want to see someone swap venti and zhonglis fits. the short and the tall yk. so... er...... ok fine such a drastic change means xianyun might just bWait what if guili was the liyue archon. they said she was "too soft" but if there isnt zhongli around... (but xianyun was alive for that so unless i want to make zhongli born after the cataclysm in which case i have literally no idea where hed even come from or go) but he was already archon then so we have to imagine xianyun as the

we'll just pretend their ageswaps also led to a roleswap okay. i cant do this. so shenhes backstory would be the same except zhongli raises her? huh.......... i have no fucking clue how a kid raised by zhongli would act. but anyway the whole point of this is just so young shenhe can meet adult chongyun and chongyun is like wtf is this KID doing out here!? and then she punches a geovishap in the face and hes like wh. and also finds out shes his "niece" waittt what if he feels kind of respnsible for her 🥺 and wants to adopt her or smth 😭 thats such an interesting dynamic change. oh and xingqius there. i guess he should have a younger bro instead now, but idk how that would change him much. if xingqiu is head of the family he might not have time for his novel pursuits tho... just an old dream he never got to fulfill :(

theres... a lot more adults than children in this game and making all of them kids would just mean their usual positions (ningguang, keqing, yelan etc) are taken up by some random adult, we dont have 1 to 1 pair like some of the previous ones... hay wouldnt it be cute if ningguang and beidou were teenage sweethearts and just went on dates. wed get to see that. aww. sorry to ganyu keqing fans suddenly it became age gap (well it was already age gap but the more acceptable kind...)

ohhh right now i remember. i think i originally wanted to ageswap hu tao and zhongli. but again teen zhongli would complicate things SO much. adult hu tao would presumably be more serious about things... or less... it could go either way honestly. i guess the most we can aim for is that zhongli has a teen body like venti and gets adopted by hu tao but she actually treats him like a proper adult/employee vs everyone else? that could be something.

ermmmm. what else, who else. jumping straight to fontaine for a bit, freminet being the older bro to lyney and lynette would be really cute... hed definitely have to lose some of his shyness but hed probably still be kind of an introvert, but his lil siblings are just full of energy and he loves them. awuuuuuu

uh. kid childe and adult teucer? getting stuck in the abyss for months really changes you though so this one doesnt really count, we honestly dont know if teucer would end up just like childe lmao. so scratch that. hmm... collei and tighnari? no, but how does the manga plot go if shes an adult and cyno also should be a kid/teen here (i mean obviously thered be another general mahamatra but. well itd just be a guy we dont know) ok i also dont know enough about the manga so we will also scratch that. just look at cute fanart where baby cyno plays cards with baby tighnari or smth, i bet that exists. with babysitter collei looking over tuem or something. that has to exist.

hold on. hold on. i was gonna talk abt rukkha and nahida but what if... ei scara ageswap. ooooh that changes way too many things. no yeah its impossible if we want to keep them in their original roles. we have to roleswap them for it to work and even then im not sure because the whole thing was at birth scara was too soft so he might not be makotos body double? i mean yeah he can do anything... we'll say he did and hes now shogun and actually nvm i cant think of anything new hed do, itd just be a repeat of eis actions cuz theres no plot otherwise. just. its just an outfitswap or genderswap at this point.

so that was a fail. are there any more interesting pairs to ageswap or even an individual whod be different as a AHHH QIQI AND BAIZHU!! wait no. theyre literally born in diff eras. unless its just... adult zombie qiqi and aspiring doctor baizhu this is not interesting at all. considering qiqis whole appeal is little zombie girl being more cute than scary. BUT ID LOVE TO SEE THE ART! what would an adult qiqi look like... i guess you can really go any way if she isnt a zombie in art, like wtf would she wear, its just up to each artist.

im dying i dont think—i forgot to talk about rukkha and nahida. but im now realising this also amounts to a roleswap just like ei and scara cuz one exists because of the other. or just... the appearance of baby 草神 dying and the new archon the sages find is a fucking adult woman. theyd probably still lock her up tho since by circumstance she should be the same as nahida in that moment where she doesnt know anything. theres a dark thought here but it could also happen in canon if genshin really wanted to go dark (which they wouldnt ofc). actually idk how much nahida knew when she woke up she mightve mentioned it but i forgor.

WAIT WAIT WAIT IM LOOKING AT MY OLD TWITTER THREAD AND I FORGOT THIS CUTE DETAIL WHICH IS. yk how theres art of kaeya being an older brother to klee. imagine older sis klee taking care of kaeya because she knows he feels out of place as a foreigner... double that with part-chinese amber and albedo being albedo and klee suddenly has a diaspora daycare(???) is bennett being part-natlan canon. but hed be an adult in this au. gruff older bennett who becomes another adventurers guild dad awww. i think hed have a nice mustache beard combo. also adult fischl... im thinking she writes novels and she hits it big, maybe. or not? idk, who knows.

is there anything else... (opens character list on the wiki) fatui... i have no idea how to ageswap them, theyd just stop being important the plot dskfjhskf?? and the adult fatui have to be replaced with other ppl so, not ideal.

oh there is more on the twitter thread... about... oh yeah lmao. diona and diluc. diona taking over the wine industry without a competitor lmaooo (depends on crepus' survival but i dont think thats dependent on kaeya and diluc's ageswap soooo. dead dad! kaeya is older but its not a big deal i think they dont have a big difference in age right?) it becomes like some sort of rivalry with venti bcuz ofc venti is nawt gonna stand for wine being driven out of mondstadt!! what the hell would he even do tho. ADOPT HIMSELF INTO DILUCS FAMILY LOL? but also, i dont know if diona will accomplish anything even without diluc competing with her, because the whole point is she makes good drinks. unless as an older woman shes kind of figured out the thing so... she just wouldnt... make drinks. or come up with some psychological battle like the drinks are nice but the atmosphere is bad or you get really unlucky and mobbed or something ok maybe thats a bit much idk. rip diona she can never catch a break!

oh wait adult sayu........ er.............. i guess it wouldnt be sayu if she werent still a sleepy slacking ninja but she kind of doesnt have the "grow tall" excuse anymore. but maybe shes more like a "can slack on the job but still gets it done perfectly" kinda archetype.

i could do something crazy by having yae be born in this era and tease the closed-off princely ayato and the ayato yae shippers can feast on it or something. idk i dont ship it but considering their whole appeal is both of them being sly/tricksy... it would be kinda cute to see that on kids/teens. wait but ayato being like that was bc he was the older brother and had to deal w the politics... here ayaka is doing it. (how er patriarchal is inaz girl nvm their leader is a woman what am i thinking. well not in this timeline. lol wait) if they still got some gender roles (probably since its based on real life culture... we live in a society) then maybe ayaka cant be as girlbossy as she wants. oh, to get things in high places... maybe people dont take her seriously as a woman... so she has to... ohh........ this sucks man :( k but what does this have to do with ayato. what would he be like. sheltered from it or knowledgeable? i think he would probably know. oh god hes the looks princely archetype but actually a fucking bitch behind closed doors. and not canon kind of "hes willing to play dirty to get things done" but like actually awful. yeah i can totally see that. but yae is like totally unfazed and laughs in his face. WHY am i writing yaeyato fanfic in my au ramblings ive never even thought of this ship before??????? (bc i dont really care about ayato sorr

ok thats it YAHOO!!!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #444

“the monster you made is wearing the crown  /  i’ll be the king, and you’ll be the clown”

Do you take off from school, or work for your birthday? Ha, I used to try to talk Mom into letting me stay home from school... It only sometimes worked. Have you ever created ‘open when’ letters for someone? No. That'd be cute for an s/o, though. What is the best thing about being in the relationship you’re in right now or about being single? Not having to fear my partner leaving because of the struggles I'm going through. Not having to worry about not being enough for another person, because I'm not even enough for myself. Do you have a favourite painting? Not by a historical artist, no, but there is a piece by a deviantART artist called "Denialism" (by NukeRooster/Tatchit, if you're interested) that I adore so much I've actually gotten her permission to get it tattooed one day when I can afford a brilliant artist to do it. What are some of the best life hacks you know? /shrug What makes you smile without fail? MARK LAUGHING laj;sdkafjwlk;erj Do you know what you’ll be getting your loved ones for the holidays this winter? No clue. That's still a whiles off. What is your biggest short-term goal (within the next month)? Just lose a decent amount of weight for a month's time. What will your next tattoo be of? It depends on what cash I have available, really. As much as it sucks, I think my next tat is a whiles off because I just have more pressing things to pay for. Has anyone very close to you ever died? Besides pets, the closest human to me that's ever died was Jason's mom. If you were throwing your significant other/best friend a themed party, what would the theme be? Uh, Frieza-related, obviously. Do you feel prepared for the apocalypse? I don't believe in the apocalypse in the biblical sense of it being determined by an ultimate power, so this isn't something I really think about. Whenever humanity ends, it ends. I don't have a say, so I may as well not obsess over it. Do you think you will have children naturally, adopt, or forgo having children altogether? I'm not having kids, but if I did, I know that either I'd have to give birth to them or my hypothetical wife would for me to feel *properly* connected to them as a mother should. Oh, or if my male partner had a kid from a previous relationship, but I'd have to be REALLY in love with him to feel like that child is also my own. Do you take pictures of yourself on a daily basis? Oh god no. Do you believe in angels? No, but rather just spirits. Is there anything in your past that you used to regret, but now you don’t? Hm, maybe? Does your knee hurt? My knees always hurt. Has anyone ever called you sexy? Yes. Do you like raisins? omg nooooo What is your favorite bug? Butterflies! :') Do you like Scrabble? Sure, it's fun for a board game. Do you have a printer? Yes. What is your favorite food? Cheeseburgers or pizza, probably. I know, so American. Have you ever overheard a conversation you weren’t supposed to? Yes. Do you like ants? They are very fascinating when you really think about it, but I still find them incredibly annoying. Did you like the movie Antz? I loved it as a kid. Have you ever drank goat milk? No, I don't believe so. What’s your favorite video game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. Do you like cats? I love kitties!!! :') Are goldfish your favorite fish? No. I think my favorite is probably the lionfish. Do you like vanilla pudding? No. I only like chocolate pudding. What is your opinion on gay marriage? I 100% support it and would fight to the death for it. What is your opinion on gay adoption? Don't even fucking look at me if you see a problem with a parentless child finding a home with two people in love. Who was the last person you had a crush on? Sara. What’s the most expensive piece of clothing you own? I have zero clue. Why do you drive the car you have right now? I don't have my own car. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Omg yes and it sucks. Are you friends with your neighbors? No. What is your current desktop picture? One of my favorite pictures of my late pup, Teddy. What’s the coolest thing you’ve seen out the window of an airplane? Mountains! Does your neighbor have any pets? *shrug* Have you ever swam in a mountain lake? No, but that sounds VIBIN'. Has a cat/dog ever thrown up on your bed? alksdjflk;a;jdfalwe yes Have you ever had a concussion? One or two. Do you know anyone who has a pet gecko? Not currently, I think? I want a fat-tailed gecko, though. :( Would you ever go bear hunting? I wouldn't dare hunt ANY animal. Have you ever seen two movies at the theater in a row? I have not. How many teenagers do you know who have babies? I know no teen personally that has a child, but there were some pregnant students in high school. If you could keep your parents or trade them for other parents, which would you pick? I would NEVER change my parents. Is there a piggy bank in the room you’re in? It's not a "piggy" bank, per se, but my sister got me a skull one that she says is for my tattoo funds. :') How many sets of twins do you know? Two, off the very top of my head. If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? Yes. No one fucks with her for as long as I live. If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? Not especially. Who is your favorite Disney Channel person? Uhhh, maybe Raven Symone? How many pets do you have? Just two. Do you think you will be successful in life? No. :/ What do you have pierced? My earlobes, twice, and my bottom lip. I have been dyinnnnggg for some new ones lately. :/ Does techno annoy you as much as it annoys me? No, I actually enjoy quite a bit of techno. What’s your comfort food? Ice cream. Do you like paranormal stuff? YES. Do you have a favorite stuffed toy? Rebel, my adorable meerkat plush from Jason, and Brownie, my moose from Cabela's. What’s the most exciting project you were given? In a way, my senior project since you got to choose your own topic, but I dreaded the presentation. Do you have a good sense of direction? Not at ALL. What are your favorite colour for a cat? Orange! If you had to live your life carrying a shield, what would its design be? This is gonna sound super, super cheesy, but probably a heart to symbolize how love should and could block the effects of hate and general evil and that we should pursue that instead of violence. Out of all the cancers, which one do you think needs to find a cure first? Oh god, they all do. If I had to pick one though, it'd be one of the inevitably fatal kinds, like pancreatic. What are your general afterthoughts when you’ve finished a book? I feel accomplished for actually reading to a story's completion. How many pairs of glasses (not sunglasses) have you owned? Two, I think? What color is your flash-drive? Hot pink. Have you ever built a sand castle? Yeah. How many houses have you lived in? Six. One I have no memory of. Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth? Yes. What video game should everybody play at least once? Amnesia: A Machine for PIgs for the symbolism. It blows my mind how most horror fans hate it; it's like they totally miss the point. 100 years from now, what modern things will people look back on and say, “WTF?” Hopefully things like homophobia, racism, misogyny, concepts like those. What is impossible to understand until it happens to you? Mental illness, to name only one thing. What fictional food item from a television show, cartoon, movie, or video game have you always wanted to try? Hm. There's a lot that has looked super good, really. What’s something that gets much more hate than it deserves? Nickelback, lmao. What phrases or sayings drive you crazy? "Everything happens for a reason," "it could be worse/some people have it worse," "it's all part of God's plan," "just think positive"... a lot of stuff. Do you have a deviantART? I do, even though Eclipse made it fucking suck. I only really stay because I cling to the dying hope of being at least somewhat successful on there, and I enjoy keeping tabs on the artwork of the hundreds of people I watch there. Who is your favorite character in your favorite movie? Mufasa, even if he doesn't last long in the movie. :''''''( Have you ever been to Germany? No, but I'd love to! What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. Have you ever been ice skating? No. The blades on the skates scare me. Have you ever taken a karate class? No. Do you have any nieces or nephews? I have a lot, if you include my half-siblings' kids. Do you own an Xbox? Nah, I've always been a PlayStation gal. Would you date someone who’s well-known for cheating? Nope. Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? No. I'd consider their reasons, but ultimately, it's about me loving the person. Could you be in a relationship without sex? Yeah, sure. It's not ideal, but I mean if the other person is just very opposed, I'm certainly not forcing them. Emotional intimacy is more important to me, anyway. Have you ever been “friendzoned”? Yep. :') Briefly, anyway. Jason tried for my sake, but it was VERY short-lived by no one's fault but my own because all I know how to do is fuck shit up when it comes to him. Which “famous couple” is your favorite? LOOK Mark and Amy are FUCKIN GEMS Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship? Pretty fucking much. Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship? I'm submissive by nature. Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated? No, I think it's a cute holiday. Which do you feel is worse of the two to smoke: weed or tobacco? Well, weed has more carcinogens, but at least it has actual health benefits. Who did you last see that you haven’t seen in ages? *shrug* Are you photogenic at all? God no.

[albatris]

Sorry in advance for the potentially dumb question, but: do you suffer from psychosis/schizophrenia? I’ve seen you reblog a lot of posts about it, of course, but i was curious. Also, if its not too personal, if you do, how much does it impact your writing/the weirdness glitchiness factor?

Not a dumb question at all, you’re all good!

So this is kinda…….. not something I’ve spoken about in a great amount of detail or specifics on this blog? And talking about it directly is actually kinda weird! I wasn’t expecting this to feel weird, but it totally does! So please excuse how long this answer took me hahahahaha

So I mean YEAH psychosis is a thing that I possess, this is a thing that resides inside my brain and occasionally outside of it………. I’m not schizophrenic, I’m more in the schizotypal realm of things, which is like….. I mean, that’s a label that best encompasses my experiences and so far it’s the only label that’s been vaguely and tentatively applied to me that’s ever really made me go “oh hey yeah that would actually explain a whole fucking lot” but like. Bits of it are still kinda wonky. Mental health is wonky, I think, generally speaking…………….

I was gonna talk a bit here about my specific experiences but, like, I really had no idea where to start with those and I don’t actually know how relevant it’d be to this question aside from being vaguely tangential in terms of psychosis………… so uhhhh I’m gonna jump ahead and talk WRITING which is WAY more in my comfort zone apparently

and oh my god this was so many words, I’m so sorry in advance, I have no idea if any of this is actually like………… super interesting? But I enjoyed the opportunity to talk about it so cheers for that! I think!

(and I’m sorry if you were expecting like………… a really short sharp sweet answer, I don’t really deal in shorts or sharps or sweets, I mostly deal in, uh………. rambling)

Rest of this post, under the cut, which I hope actually works on mobile, for the sake of your dashboards - 

So this message was an adventure for me into how the questions “How does it affect your writing?” and “How does it affect the glitchiness/horror factor?” are actually two entirely separate things. I mean, they’re two separate things because I’m assuming by “glitchiness factor” you’re thinking specifically of the stuff in my recent ATDAO posts about body horror and the unreality? In which case………… let me get to that in a moment

And since this post got super long, I’m going to start with my extremely short summed-up answer, and then elaborate on it………

In terms of how it affects my writing? In lots of direct ways!

In terms of how it affects the glitchiness and horror aspects? In some weird roundabout ways! It’s not where the horror stems from, but it’s where the response to the horror stems from and where a lot of my descriptive choices stem from! It’s not the horror, but it’s kind of the lens through which I explore the horror!

AND NOW HERE WE GO………… WORDS AHOY

So in terms of how it affects my writing, generally speaking

boring straightforward answer first:

It’s something that crops up in a super literal sense, just in that I’ve got a fair few characters who are psychotic to some degree or another, and it’s something that plays into how they relate to the world and their specific character voice and how they respond to the situations they find themselves in. 

somewhat irrelevant, it’s, uhhh….. something that I feel interacts with themes in a different sort of way, too. ‘Cause a lot of times there’s, like….. stories about people going on cool magical sci-fi quests, and there’s Stories About Psychotic People, and there’s not an awful lot of overlap between the two unless it’s in the context of “and the whole magical quest was a delusion all along!” which, ew

and for fucking REAL there is so much interesting ground to cover and opportunities for different perspectives and new avenues through which themes can be explored, like, in that overlap of stories. It’s something I wish I saw a lot more of in fiction! Which is another huge driving force in, like, why I write stuff the way I do

and now slightly more interesting:

Worldbuilding! It’s definitely something that plays into worldbuilding and like…. my love of creating stories that are kinda just……. “reality but a little bit to the left” if that makes sense? 

Whether this is something like Undertow, where there’s a degree of magic woven into the fabric of the universe, where things are connected by invisible threads, where I can give opinions to objects and feelings to the weather and the streetlights, where the earth itself has a voice? Or whether it’s something like ATDAO, where reality is coming undone at the seams and the fact that everything is just a little lopsided and haywire is a Mundane Part Of Everyday Life? That’s something I find super cathartic and quite lovely to play around in! I’ve always experienced the world as Just A Little Bit To The Left, and writing was one of the first avenues I found to kinda…. channel and explore and expand on that and put my feelings of strangeness into words?

It’s kinda, like, I like being able to share that kind of vision with others in some sort of way, and not necessarily in a frightening or horrible way, y’know? 

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TO SAY that anything I write is, like, 100% a direct mirror or my own life and how I see the world lmao. A lot of my writing takes experiences and feelings and little facets of how I experience the world and works them into something that’s often more literal and concrete, or it’ll start out as My Thing and as I’m writing, it sorta blooms into something totally different. But bits of it are in there, sure, although they change shape a lot! And it’s definitely in there with a lot of the general overarching feelings and concepts! Yeah!

One other thing that kinda leads onto my next topic is, uh…… that a lot of how I interpret events and meanings in the world around me can be kind of frightening and threatening, and that’s not reeeaaaally something I want to delve into too much in my writing from a worldbuilding perspective? So generally the parts of ATDAO’s “reality but a little to the left” that start to twist into horror and unreality are things I’ve constructed specifically to serve that purpose, more so than things I’ve pulled directly from my experiences.

AND NOW IN TERMS OF GLITCHY HORROR STUFF HELL YEAH

so again I’m assuming by “glitchiness factor” that’d be all the unreality and all the body horror stuff and weird horror? Which, fuck yeah! Despite my squeamishness when it comes to horror, this is one odd little corner of ATDAO that I’m extremely fond of hahahaha

And, like, initially when I considered this question I was like…. oh, this is not something that really has any of its roots in psychosis or my experiences of mental illness. And that’s…… kiiiiiind of true? My construction of the unreality and its contents is a lot of me just me sitting at my laptop going “Hahahaha that makes me physically nauseous! That’s the worst thing I’ve ever come up with!! I’m adding it in immediately!!”

But yeah, it definitely does factor in, though! Maybe not in as interesting a way as you’d hoped? 

So first off, my experiences are something that sorta plays into my word choice and the specific way I use language in those scenes. And I’m also gonna go ahead and say that dissociation and specifically derealisation are also things I draw from pretty heavily for those kinda……. more glitchy horror-ish parts? So for me, my experiences factor more into HOW I describe the content more so than any of the horrid glitchy gory content itself. 

‘cause it’s kinda, like, a specific kind of fear, I think, it’s a little bit off-beat and weirdly-worded and disjointed and it hits your senses all wrong, it doesn’t make an awful lot of sense but it’s still extremely real. There’s a lot of weird or unsettling bullshit that goes on in the unreality that there’s no convenient Real World Descriptive Equivalent for. Like, cityscapes made entirely of soundwaves, the aforementioned body horror stuff in earlier posts, places that are a complete and total lack of Anything where there’s not even space or colour or texture or light, senses getting all tangled up into each other, something being simultaneously bigger than the sun and smaller than an ant, voices unravelling like twine? LOTS OF WEIRD, BASICALLY

There’s no nice neat right way to describe that, and if there was, it probably wouldn’t pack the punch it needs to, yeah? But I love that kinda shit, I get to pull from a bunch of really weird sensory experiences and feelings I have no real way to articulate and I get to use language in creative ways to evoke the same feelings, the same experiences, the same sense of fear and wrongness? I get to draw from weird shit to describe a bunch of weird shit that makes NO fucking sense whatsoever and that can’t realistically be tied up with words

Point is, they’re experiences I draw from in order to Get Real Fuckin Weird With Words

and getting weird with words in this specific way is CATHARTIC as FUCK dude it’s so good, it’s one of my favourite things. This is, like, the dark edgy version of what I talked about earlier in regards to worldbuilding and me painting a nice odd vision for people to share in hahahaha

“let me take you on a nice gentle stroll through my imagination” vs me supplexing you to the ground and beating the shit out of you with a bat 

And one other thing is just……. I’m sorry, I’m super tired, this bit is probably gonna be jumbled and wordy and maybe not super relevant but uhhhhhhh

So the unreality is not something I initially drew from any particular place in my psyche, but it IS something I’ve come to construct in a specific way, and a lot of it is something I build with the questions of like…… “How does a psychotic character respond to this input?” and “What does this scenery draw out in my character and how does it challenge them?” in mind, so I guess………… in that sense, there’s definitely still a fairly big impact? But kind of in a sideways way. The unreality is not so much based on psychosis, but it’s something I use to highlight specific elements of it, I guess, but mostly in terms of the skills it draws out

‘cause like. in ATDAO the only characters who kinda get to butt heads with the unreality aside from that one random dead car driver who may or may not be vaguely half alive in a state of horrific limbo are Jacob and Tris, and like

I don’t ever really frame Tris’s psychosis as some horrible terrible thing he’s burdened with that makes life a terrible living hell 24/7 but it is, like………. something he struggles a lot with over the course of the story, both in general terms and in terms of people not taking him seriously about the Extremely Real Fantastical Nonsense that’s going on and in general being hesitant to trust his perceptions of reality. And ALSO I guess in terms of just…….. the way he relates to the fact that he’s been dragged into some Extremely Real Fantastical Nonsense? And him wrestling with how he’s supposed to believe in something like that when no one else can see the evidence and everyone is telling him he’s just crazy, and how “ridiculous interdimensional dumbass sci-fi quest” is something that’s reserved for other people, because he’s already been there like four times already and it has extremely different implications for him

In terms of mental illness, all my protags have patches of the story where they make it through kinda “in spite” of their struggles with mental illness (though that’s a sentence I fuckin hate) and other patches where mental illness is just a thing they deal with alongside whatever plots they have going on…… but their experiences with mental illness are also something that gives them specific skills and perspectives and ways of understanding the world that are invaluable, and some of the most important parts of the story are the parts where they make it through specifically BECAUSE of those skills and perspectives

Which is kind of the Whole Thing With The Unreality, that’s its whole deal

The unreality is a fucking huge turning point for Tris as a character, because it’s specifically because of his experiences with psychosis that he’s able to navigate it so effectively, it’s because of the specific skills he’s developed and the practice he’s had in similar circumstances

not, like, the SAME circumstances, but things from other contexts that kind of, transfer, circumstances where the same skills are applicable

‘cause like, turns out, he’s really good at navigating confusing frightening hellscapes where nothing makes sense and mis-stepping can get you killed, because he’s had a whole lot of practice just like. existing as a person with psychosis in a weird apocalypse world where reality is collapsing in unpredictable ways. He spends a lot of his life trying to make sense of reality and figure out the rules and developing countless systems for navigating the world safely, which he often needs to adjust at a moment’s notice, or completely scrap and reconstruct. He’s had a lot of experience of just sorta waking up and whatever bullshit is going on he’s just gotta be like “ok cool so this is what we’re doing today, I have to deal with this, so how can I deal with this”. He’s used to grounding himself and problem-solving even under intense pressure and when he’s terrified and regardless of whatever objectively horrifying nonsense is happening around him. He’s used to sorting the horrifying things that are not dangerous from the horrifying things that are extremely dangerous.  

He’s basically the one character who can get tossed into the unreality and actually work with it and figure out the rules even though everything is screaming and glitched out and trying to kill him, he’s spent most of his life developing the perfect skill set for it

(and like, this is the first point in the story where he sorta realises that his specific way of viewing the world is going to be a strength rather than a weakness, but like. despite the fact that Tris is basically a walking panic attack he’s actually always been the one of the team who’s been the most adept at navigating daily life with the apocalypse, it’s just not something he’s ever really picked up on)

and uh

that’s kind of a vaguely irrelevant note to end on, actually

HEY THAT WAS SO MANY WORDS I’M SO FUCKING SORRY

I DON’T EVEN HAVE A NEAT WRAP UP TO THIS POST

MY WRAP UP WAS THAT SUMMARY AT THE START

IF YOU READ THIS FAR I HOPE IT WAS AT LEAST SOMEWHAT INTERESTING

[tumblunni]

hey uhhh YKNO WHATS GOOD brainstorming potential headcanons for a character you know NOTHING ABOUT

i guess its less headcanons and more like.. wishes? hopes? what i think would be cool to do with this dude and like ALL I KNOW is that he is a cool dude and apparantly he doesnt have a backstory or sympatheticness SO consider what if he did and maybe thatd be cooler. like dude he owns THE SINGLE BEST BOSS BATTLE THEME IN ALL VIDEOGAMES EVER and that is ALL I KNOW ABOUT HIM and i just want him to deserve it, yo. also if he turned good i could be his friend and some of the badassness would rub off on me

ANYWAY

COOL SQUID PRESIDENT

i would vote for this man as squesident

seriously the design is SO GOOD!!! how did they manage to get such a cool colourscheme out of his entire Thing being that he has no colours?? like damn i like white being used as an evil colour for once, thanks. it symbolizing emptyness and emotionlessness is like BIG YES and i really hope thats what they were going for cos apparantly the wiki says that all the yokai who join his “we should never be friends with humans” gang turn colourless to match? but like the dude himself is less plain white and more very light shades of blue, grey and gold. MAYBE REFLECTS THAT HE IS A MANIPULATIVE DOUCHE WHO MAYBE DOESNT REALLY CARE ABOUT YOKAI AND JUST WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD PERHAPS dammit why does everything about him scream “great 100% evil guy who is very scary” when man I WANT TO LIKE HIM, DAMMIT!!

ALSO SERIOUSLY the visual effect of the wild spirally red yellow eyes against an otherwise “peaceful” colour whose entire point as an evil is “peaceful” taken to a bad extreme. it REALLY immediately sells that “tries to pretend to be calm, collected and fancy but is actually an angry mofo at heart” vibe i got from his theme song??? I REALLY HOPE THATS ACTUALLY HOW THIS COOL BOSS BATTLE GOES DOWN cos man the best villains are smug asshles who Always Win and then when you FINALLY win you get that much of a better ending!!! but AGH another part of me is like “i hope im wrong because he looks like a Cool Dad and i want him to be good”. Maybe his true design concept was to betray me personality with using all his cool dad power for evil...?

ALSO im not gonna spoil you guys on it cos it is JUST AS AMAZING AS HIS SONG but i was toooootally right that he has some sort of super intimidating second form and its got THE COOLEST DESIGN EVER HOLY SHIT! and also apprantly there’s a recoloured bonus boss called Minister Squisker who’s like a colour swap in a really creative way?? it swaps him being all “blank” themed with scary bright eyes and instead his entire body is a wild ye olde mythological illustration style paint job in every colour ever. okay COOL HEADCANON NUMBER ONE thats actually the regular colour of the species and mckraken is the white sheep of the family lol

also UHHH i dunno it seems kinda weird to me that theyd have this dude running a goddamn political party about humans being bad yet he doesnt seem to have any motivation whatsoever for it? unless it really is just supposed to be ‘he only pretends he wants to protect yokai from humans so he can manipulate and rule the yokai’. but like HYPOTHETICALLY in some universe where he actually lives up to his Grumpy Dad Who Has A Hidden Soft Spot potential, maybe he has an understandable backstory that raises legitimate concerns about how humans are destroying the natural and mythological and forgetting their roots, or other reasonable reasons why yokai could think humans are dangerous and all. i mean we ARE dangerous, we’re just a wide group of people that contain evil bastards and also good people, yknow. And thatd resonate well as a plot probably, cos well the whole point of the series is “in real life ur scared of yokai but theyre actually all goofy pranksters who will be your best friend forever”. Both sides being afraid of each other could lead to some good plotness! and it could be really effective and sad if after hours of joyous childhood wonder the protagonist bumps into the first yokai they couldnt befriend. the first one thats scared of them. the first member of this weird colourless political party who accuses them of committing crimes against yokaikind, of obviously only enslaving these yokai friends cos you have an ulterior motive, just like all humans! it could be effective if its something that shakes up the whole way you saw the world and establishes that hey its not all fun and happiness, and there’s some people you are powerless to convince. maybe even some people you are powerless to save...?

ANYWAY possible idea for ‘what if the dude originally had a sympathetic motive but it got twisted over time and now he’s just a fuck BUT maybe he could still be redeeminated someday ok thanks” What if he’s the spirit of.. like.. ocean pollution? Like there’s some yokai who are ghosts of a mortal person but theres some that are just nature spirits or personifications of concepts. What if he’s the personification of the dying screams of all the wildlife killed in a particular tragic oil spill? hence squid = thematic, and blank white colourscheme = even more thematic reflecting the stain the oil would leave on a pristine ocean and also the blank emotionlessness he was left as after witnessing that tragedy. Cos like his entire Purpose would have been born out of avenging anger but i mean he was just a kid, the only one left alive on a ruined beach and seeing just how powerful humans were and how pointless it would be to try and fight them with his weak power. like he was born to avenge all these souls and he just keeps failing!! his entire reason to live and he’s just too small!! so he ends up becoming bitter and cynical and learning how to use his silver tongue to manipulate others into becoming his weapons, and he vows that someday he’s gonna come back when he has the power he needs to complete his mission. and he’s just forever had this anger seething inside that he’s been unable to get any catharsis from, so when his cold and collected persona cracks he’s really damn scary with all these years of a man who’s grown old fearing he’ll never be able to avenge his ocean friends and just AAAAAA! itd be really good cos itd be a way he could still be intimidating and high stakes as a boss fight but also sympathetic!! also it could make sense why he’d only be redeemable after defeating him? like this entire time he’s been hidden behind a million layers of politics and minions and stuff and its very easy for him to not see the reality of the fact that he’s terrorizing human children just like how humans scarred him as a child. so like his whole big second form transformation super anger mode time would be sort of a last ditch attempt to deny what he already knows, the doubts that have been eating away at his soul now he’s getting close to the end of his life goal. but also like.. he doesnt even know who he IS, under the lies! its been his entire purpose for existing. like he probably uhh.. didnt have much plans after his victory. he probably wouldnt have much will to live left. so yeah you basically beat up this guy’s emotional walls and make him face the face of the people he’s been hurting, when he’s been trying to avoid it for so long. and he gets to see how much all the other yokai genuinely trust you and how much youre personally sacrificing to protect them so maybe you really arent just lying about being a good person...

oh also i was thinking about the inherant hypocrisy present in the fact that this guy is a big spoopy REALLY WELL DESIGNED squid monster that spends all his time in a depowered humansona instead, despite his whole Thing being hating humans. and, yknow, ‘i’ll solve this using a carbon copy of human politics instead of any more traditionally magical way of fighting the humans’. Yeah. So THEORY of SADNESS maybe he like never actually met any other yokai for a long time? I dont think it really makes sense that he’d be hypocritical because he secretly likes humans or something, that wouldnt jive with this backstory idea. So im thinking another explanation could be that he genunely doesnt know much about yokai culture? Like cos of his backstory he just poofed into existance on this destroyed beach in the human world and spent the first few centuries of his life completely alone except for the terrifying monsters that haunted every second of his life, and the knowledge that it was his purpose to defeat them but he didnt know how. And he was a nature spirit of the sea but his sea was empty of everything except death, so he couldnt even hug a cute fish sidekick or something- OH GOD WHAT IF HE DID HAVE A CUTE FISH SIDEKICK AND IT DIED COS OF HUMANS!!! very tiny sad squid monster child holding a dead pet, oh god why did my heart did this to meeee!! so yeah he didnt even know he was a yokai or wtf yokai are, he didnt know anywhere outside the tiny rock pool he would hide in on this barren beach. And then someday he gets found by an older yokai and adopted and like he feels like he owes them so much cos they gave him a reason to live, and a connection to the nature that he was supposed to protect, and.. well.. any companionship at all ever. So thats how his directionless “humans are bad” turned into “yokai are good and i need to protect them from humans like i failed to protect the beach” which turned into “i need to get more power to do this” which turned into manipulating other yokai and seeing them as nothing more than tools to take down the humans, his revenge consuming him until he barely remembered the reasons he originally wanted to do it...

and blablabla thats where we bring in the recolour bonus boss also, and say thats the nice grandpa figure who adopted him when he was all lost and trapped in the human world. and cos he was sorta adopted into nobility thats why he’s so over the top with his pompousness, its like a hint of IM LOVV MY GRANDEPA shining through his grumpface. ALSO maybe a sad situation where the gramps saw his kid growing up into this scary extremist and he tried to reason with him that humans dont need to be destroyed and that led to them fighting and him getting sealed off in recolour bonus boss land. and mckraken sees it as the biggest betrayal of his life and it totally threw him off the slippery slope to feel like the one man he trusted the most was a traitor to yokai all along. but even at his most evil he couldnt bear to actually kill his beloved gramps so he just imprisoned him and tries to stop thinking about it but like THE CONSTANT SPECTRE OF THE GUILT HANGS OVER YOUR HEAD THAT YOU DID YOU GRAMPS WRONGGGG So yehmaybe protag could find the gramps guy and hear about the sad backstory via him and then defeat mckraken and make him realise he was wrong and he apologises to his gramps and atones and all the humans and yokai are friends again and BUNNI CRIES FOREVER the end

cos seriously man this guy’s design is too good to be wasted on a hateable!! srsly he’s like that archetypical goofy big beard chubby pirate dude BUT INTIMIDATING AND BADASS AND COOL FASHION AND DAVY JONES SQUID BEARD SQUEARD I LOVE HIM he is too round to be 100% evil

*slams fists on the table* IF YOU DONT LIVE UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS I AM GONNA CRY

aaa i need to stop just sitting here theorizing about this game and actually friggin play it lolllll

[foundcarcosa]

#monthofspreads2 | i.

yeah, I decided to do all of them. didn’t know it was also a giveaway, and of course I am far too late for all that, but, whatever. I do things better on my own time anyway. which might mean it takes me a month to do it, might mean it takes me 3 years. we’ll never know. (as we can see, I still haven’t finished Nine Long Nights LMAO... but that also doesn’t mean I won’t. time isn’t real)

ANYWHO.

the inner self spread

first impressions: L M F A O WHAT!!!! WHAT. WHAAATTTTTTT HAHAHA FUCK ME

detailed interpretations after the break.

1. What does my inner self want me to know at this present moment?

XII Hanged Man

I read No Mud, No Lotus recently, and I think that might have some influence on this. The idea of surrendering to the current is both attractive and repellent in equal measure, but lately “what is, is, and that’s all” has definitely been a comforting thought. But also, I’m thinking of the last spread I did, the other MoS2 one, and the possible interpretation that there are things that I’m fighting that I might not need to be fighting, or things that need to change that I’m hanging onto because of habit.

*grumble* Be nice if tarot cards also recommended therapists with their life advice. I told you once and I told you a thousand times, I am only one person and I can’t do all this myself! God.

Then again, XII is giving the message of surrender to change, which means... maybe I’m thinking about it wrong. As in, it’s happening regardless of whether I’m trying to make it happen or not, so it’s not “go make this change happen” but “don’t stop this change from happening”, and the latter is technically easier than the former (all you have to do is float! --funny, since irl I can’t float, which is part of why I can’t swim lmfao).

HRM. “We shall see” is probably the best thing I could say to this, innit. Well, we shall see, indeed.

2. Is there any advice or sign I’ve been previously given that has gone unnoticed that needs my attention?

7 Wands

I like the picture on this card. I mean, it took me a moment to realise that it’s also kinda treacherous-looking -- one misstep and dude is plunging into the water -- but like... his confidence seems pretty high. I think he knows what he’s doing.

--Which, I guess, is the message here? A lot of times I do spreads and the underlying theme always seems to be “you’ve got this”, which I took to be just... my boundless optimism colouring my interpretations all the time. I don’t know. Maybe it is, but maybe... that’s a feature, not a bug? Maybe give it more credit than I have in the past? It’s so easy to take a negative sign with the utmost seriousness, but pervasive positivity is so easy to dismiss as bullshit. Why is that? Insidious paradigm, that. 

7 of Wands in other decks looks different, but I think of it the same way -- what 7 is doing is scary as shit, especially from another’s point of view, but 7′s got this. 7 has been through this before, and will do it again, and that’s just how it is. 

3. How can I become more receptive to listening to my inner self from this moment forward? 

XV Devil

What is, is. Dwelling on what isn’t is folly.

But also! King Crimson (not his name, but) joined Our ranks inworld recently, and the thing about him is that he was ridden by Demise (a demon, in short) for just about all of his conscious life. He has never been himself, has never been a person in control of his desires and darknesses. Through him I’m seeing the difference -- we cede so much control of ourselves to various concepts (mental illness is one, but I don’t talk about it too much because people get spitting mad when you even casually suggest that maybe some of the hags riding us are... not as powerful as they appear), but we don’t necessarily have to. We are not possessed (unless we are! lmao that’d suck). We are just struggling. No struggle is infinite.

Knowledge is a weapon against fear and against stasis. Knowing oneself is even more powerful than a weapon -- if I know the fullness of what I am capable of, of the multitudes that exist within me, then I can make it so they work together, instead of trying to overpower one another. In an ecosystem, everything plays its part, even the things we don’t like -- those very creatures that we go “eww” or “gross” at have vital roles in keeping everything (including us) alive and healthy.

Or, you know, something like that.

IN CONCLUSION

I... think I’m on the right track. That’s my conclusion. I think I’m not struggling as badly as I thought I was. Perception of the depth of a mire is often exaggerated.

The work is being done. The work is in every moment, in every passing hour. The work is happening because it must happen. Shok ebasit hissra. Maraas shokra. Anaan essam*... Me? Me.

* ”Struggle is an illusion. There is nothing to fight against.” Anaan essam Qun = “victory is in the Qun”, so I just replaced “Qun”. -from Qunlat, the language of the Qunari race of the Dragon Age series

[batslime]

taggt ( by @wesminator )

Last:

Drink- im schlurpin mtn dew rn

Phone call- my mom to make sure she knew we needed cat food

Text- showing this awful thing to @succubus

Song- ddu-du ddu-du by black pink ( that doesnt even sound the way its spelled and i had to look at it again bc of that )

Time you cried- i dont remember probably while i was watching a movie or smt

Ever:

Been depressed- b o y

Gotten drunk and thrown up- i dont go to parties because i live in the middle of nowhere and ive never been drunk i dont like alcohol enough to get to that point

In the last year have you:

Made new friends- ya

Fallen outta love- YA

Laughed until you cried- no

Found out someone was talking about you- just today my manager told me one of the part time mans texts him to say ive been “acting up” ( i said something to her she didnt get so i told her not to try so hard bc i could smell the smoke coming from her ears ) and he straight up tells her shes stupid fgvhjb

Met someone who changed you- for the worse yes lmao

Found out who your friends are- I’ve found out who my friends aren’t!

Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list- Maybe???? ive remade it so many times/ never go on i dont remember if i have any exes besides @succubus

General:

Fave color- im always a slut for pink but i also love rich greens and lavender

How many Facebook friends do you know IRL - why is a tumblr meme probably aged at like teenage-twenty year olds even asking about facebook

Any pets - rn i have three cats

Do you wanna change your name - legally ya

What did you do for your last birthday - I dont remember i was probably still at home jobless and sad

What were you doing last night at midnight - working on miniatures

What is something you can’t wait for - @succubus is coming over next month, next paycheck, to get the energy to work on all my projects again, genji nendroid

What are you listening to - i just left blackpink playing after i had to look that title up

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - idk

Something that gets on your nerves - god everything lately im like a time bomb

Most visited website - Tumblr and Youtube

Hair colour - Black/ dark brown

Hair length - i cut it asymmetrically l recently and shaved it back in march on the sides so its. all over the place

Do you have crush on someone - i have a crush on being a better and more productive and happier and richer person

What do you like about yourself - lets not start this lol

Want any piercing - not rn im too depressed to take care of my body on a regular basis

Blood type-  b+

Nicknames- 

Zodiac - capricorn

Pronouns - She/Her or They/Them is fine.

Fave TV show - I dont watch tv occasionally tho ill go into netflix and play whatevers nice to listen to while i work, like forensic files or movies im really familiar with 

Tattoos - i dont rly like the way they look i think n when i do see designs i like i like seeing them on other ppl, im too fickle for them myself. i used to do designs for ppl tho

Right or left handed - Right-handed

Ever had surgery - to have my teeth removed and tbh id be terrified and i think id really rather just die if i ever needed under-anesthetic under-the-knife surgery for multiple reasons 

Sports - no

Vacation - i like vegas, theres lots of countries id love to see but ive never been out of the states. im too poor and scared to do that rn esp alone

More general:

Eating - i love squishy foods but ive been craving crunchy stuff a lot lately too. ive been getting bowls of ice to take to my room while i work

Drinking- i drink like three things and that mtn dew, water w crystal lite, and match fraps

About to watch- i dont watch stuff much i just play whatever i can presently stand hearing while i work

Waiting to-

Get married - god no i literally just wanna live alone i dont wanna have to see people in my house while im trying to force myself to work or walking around naked i dont wanna be responsible for another person

Which is better:

Hugs or kisses - i dont like to be tocuhed

Lips or eyes - 

Shorter or taller -  

Nice arms or stomach -  these are like. really obscure selections 

Troublemaker or hesitant -  

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger - no

Drunk hard liquor - no

Lost glasses - yeah i just toss em at the end of my bed at night

Turned someone down - um i work retail and look like a teenager i can hardly fucking go in public without some random ugly ass dude thinking he can talk to me lol 

Been arrested - no

Cried when someone died - i dont think so just animals as far as i can recall, i havent lost anyone close.

Fallen for a friend - ya

Do you believe in:

Yourself - Yeh boi!

st sight - for like animals or shows or smt. if youre talking about another person. thats called attraction and calling it love is creepy and unhealthy and an obsolete concept that we need to nip in the ass tbh. i hear a disproportionate amnt of guys to girls say this and its like always someone they meet in public or whatever. im sure if i were desperate and self hating enough to humor any of the losers who try me theyd say it like five years down the line too. you dont know who tf somebody really is til youve known them for years and gone though real shit and seen how they respond. ive always found “love at first sight” creepy 

Kiss on the first date - idk

Angels - maybe

Others:

Best friend’s name - i call her a disgrace and the cause of my death but other ppl call her franky/ alexa 

Eye colour - Brown

Fave movie - 

Fave actors -

franky ive already tagged you like eight times. also im done working for the day. if you wanna be tagged reblog it and tag yourself im not doing anything else for any more people today 

[chocosvt]

||↠11 questions tag 🖋

tagged by: @mansaeboysbe and @sunnysidewrites! thnk u my lovs.

tagging: @whatsoodo , @bfwooz , @jishua , @teeyongs + anyone else who wants to answer the questions. ill leave my own 11 for u to answer at the bottom of the post.

it’s been awhile since ive last done a tag game. i know tht im still behind on quite a few erfhnerf but ill try my best to take more initiative w/ these things. also disclaimer; sorry if my answers are kilometers long, it should be fairly obvious at this point i never shut the fuck up.

anyways, here are the q’s im answering in case u wanna see a specific answer :^)

01: weirdest present you have recieved? 02: coloured pencils, markers, or crayons? 03: what colour would you dye your hair? 04: which concept would you pick for which group? 05: sweet or sour candy? 06: favourite quirk on an idol? 07: would you rename a fandom? 08: something you want to tell your bias? 09: kpop MV you would want and not want to get stuck in? 10: an AU you’ve always wanted to write? 11: use memes to describe 2017 and how you want 2018 to go.

[01]. weirdest present you’ve ever received?

my pals and i always exchange weird presents for one another’s birthdays! it’s pretty much a tradition at this point, tho im not sure when or how it began? im pretty sure my last birthday card had caillou on it or something lol, and at one point we got our pal a can of peaches, a container of straws, tissue packages n a remote control, all with lil puns on them.

but the weirdest gift ive ever recieved? uhh, it was probably this miniature cotton candy machine tht my friends spent way too much on, primarily bc we only used it the day i opened it. u took hard candies and put them in the machine and eventually they would be spun into the actual floss tht makes cotton candy. it was cool but my mom threw it out eventually lol.

[02]. coloured pencils, markers, or crayons?

definitely coloured pencils. markers and crayons don’t rly have an exact tip. well, unless ure using a fine-tip marker. and there’s something rly satiating abt having sharp, clean writing or outlining. i was the kid who outlined all my fucking drawings and shaded them in with coloured pencils. miss me w/ tht crayon, marker shit. also, the sound wood makes when its being sharpened? tht was my favourite part.

[03]. if you could dye your hair any colour, what would it be?

honestly ive never thought of dying my hair. i like the colour how it is, which is sort of a darker blonde/slightly goldish shade. im not sure what would fit my face? i can only see myself going beach blonde. i feel like any other colour would be a disaster on my hair and i already damage it enough bc i straighten it every few days.

[04]. which concept would you pick for which group?

i know clc just did a badass concept with their “crystyle” album (which is one of the best albums of 2017 so jot tht the fuck down) and i absolutely adore their cute concepts as well bc we got bops like “pepe” n “high heels” BUT GOD I WANT THEM TO DO ANOTHER BADASS CONCEPT I BECAME ADDICTED TO IT. IT K*LLED ME TO SEE SEUNGHEE IN ALL BLACK WEARING THOSE THIGH-HIGH BOOTS I DI*ED THEN RESURRECTED IN THE SAME BREATH. i find them to be super versatile, they can go either way and ill support them no matter the concept. their quality of music never decreases. but yep, id pick another badass concept for the ladies.

[05]. sweet or sour candy?

sweet sweet sweet!! to be fair i luv pretty much all candies, minus jolly ranchers bc ive consumed so many of them tht if i see another fucking jolly rancher i will strap myself to a rocket. ANYWAYS, definitely sweet. my favourite candies (not keeping chocolate in mind bc chocolate overrules everything) would be swedish berries and werther’s caramel. for sour candies i would choose sour patch kids and sour keys!! obviously i would d*e for candy so let’s just get tht out of the mf’ way.

[06]. favourite quirk of an idol?

oh gosh. imma have 2 think for this one. the image tht comes to me exactly is junhui’s tendency to curl into whoever is next to him! most likely when he does something embarrassing, he retreats into a tiny mass of stuffy giggling and sis, it’s the best thing on the face of this planet. he’s rly such a shy flower. also, joshua’s habit of covering his mouth when he laughs is v v endearing to me. i believe it goes to show his politeness, though it can also be a characteristic of someone who’s timid, to which i think both reasons apply here. i wish i could think of more bc im certain there are a ton belonging 2 my favourite idols, but im highkey drawing a blank.

[07]. would you rename a fandom? what would the name be?

hmm. im not someone who pays close attention to fandom names. hoshi could have very well kept us as mounteens and i wouldnt give a single cherry n a half, though at this point carats is a lot more fitting and we’ve all grown attached to it. honestly, im not tht keen on red velvet and fx’s fandom names? i know tht in red velvet’s case the option “cupcakes” was up for grabs so when in comparison to reveluv’s i’m pretty thankful the latter was chosen. im not entirely sure what i would name the fandom, so respect to whoever is in charge of the titling. as for fx, they deserved to get their fanclub name much sooner. again im not someone who cares a whole lot abt fandom names, but it would have been cool if the fandom was some mathematical formula lol.

[08]. something you want to tell your bias?

BITCH. THE PRESSURE. if i were 2 meet junhui in person i would be such a nervous wreck i wouldnt even trust myself to speak. boi, if i even spotted him on the street i’d beeline in opposite direction so fast i would just be a fucking blur of light and potential tears. there would be many things i’d want to relay to him, honestly if we were just to hang out at a café or some location like tht with the time to talk and understand one another, i’d be like “hold tht thought, gerald” n drop a whole fucking novel on the table with reasons i appreciate him. i guess i’d want junhui to know how his efforts have certainly been acknowledged and that each quirk in his personality brings a lot of comfort/inner happiness to those who are still unsure abt themselves.

i’d also like for him to know tht whilst his visual is amazing, tht is not the only remarkable thing tht makes junhui, junhui. it’s his kindness, gentle heart, and optimism. essentially i’d want him to know tht his hard work is being noticed, how much delight he brings by being himself, and tht he has many qualities he should be confident in.

[09]. which kpop M/V would you want, and not want, to get stuck in?

i’ve already answered the first half 2 this question in a previous ask, but red velvet’s ice cream cake! it has to be one of my all-time favourite music videos solely bc i luv the usage of soft colours. not to mention they’re having hella fun with their fuzzy glow-coats and dancing around a parlour eating cake? like what the fuck, i don’t know what kind of cult this is but i want in! also tht means i would get to be joy’s lesbian luver and nothing else brings me greater elation.

a kpop music video i would not want to get stuck in is exo - wolf. there doesnt need to be an explanation. we already know the answer.

[10]. which AU have you always wanted to write but haven’t?

okay, first of all, bitch. there are abt one million au’s i wanna explore so inexplicably bad but i just havent gotten the time or the energy to compile the research/plan the plot. for starters, since opening this blog over two years ago, ive always wanted to write something with a serial killer. which sounds a bit scary and fucked but i absolutely lov thriller/horror movies. ive watched pretty much all of them. i find the suspension and how the scenes manipulate your body to be something unique in tht moment and to build the talent to be able to write such an AU would be my mf’ goal. it would most likely be very long and graphic, but my descriptive brain would chew tht up.

more au’s bordering along the dark line would be ghosts, vampires and demons. those are most fascinating to me. if a softer light, i’d like to write a surfer!au (specifically for joshua) and an android!au.

[11]. use a meme to describe how your 2017 went and how you want your 2018 to go.

my 2017 was somethin like this:

and i’d like my 2018 to be a lil like this:

[MY QUESTIONS]

01: would you rather explore outer space or the ocean? 02: do you wear any makeup? 03: two idol groups you’d like to collab? 04: if you could only listen to three svt songs, what would they be? 05: dusk or dawn? 06: show a picture of your handwriting? 07: what is your favourite word that’s in another language? 08: the countryside or the city? 09: what’s better in a muse, humour or kindness? 10: choose three idols. one to be your best friend, bro/sis, and spouse. 11: something you didnt do in 2017 that you want to do in 2018?

don’t feel tht this tag is mandatory! i hope everyone has been staying healthy n well n i wish for u all 2 experience good things in the new year! <3

[thelocalrebel]

on emotional neglect and mental health struggles; with a malay-muslim twist

They say life is a series of coping mechanisms, and waiting for just that one mechanism that will finally kill you.

Freaky, right? But as someone who’s managed to ‘keep it together’ despite their internal monologue of screaming (or absolutely nothing, on those numb days) this is how I’d describe my state of existence. 

I don’t have a diagnosis. A lot stops me from getting one: firstly, a family and culture that deems mental illness as a lack of faith, or just “being weak”. Two, knowing that having one likely won’t solve the problem. Three - and the loudest no in my head - is the constant, chafing guilt that I’m not sick enough. That I don’t deserve to seek help because I get out of bed everyday, I get things done, and I have a huge smile on my face. In short, because I appear “normal” and “haven’t suffered enough”. Whatever that means.

Sure, I have days when the Feelings™ smack me with a hammer while yelling “Suffer Time!!”. Days where I forget to eat, where I just want to self-isolate and shut out the world with its never-ending expectations of me. Where it’s like I’m wading through a fog, all the while mindlessly doing things for the sake of doing it and to pass the time. Just to fill the void in my chest, and the incessant voice in my head that insists I’m a shitstain who deserves everything bad happening to me. What’s worse is I can’t pinpoint the trigger for this - it just is, and it’s everywhere. Like clingwrap, but somehow it’s around your throat and your face and someone’s pressing it down on you and you just. Can’t. Breathe. (If it’s bad enough, I shut down. I’ll be conscious, but I won’t be here).

So I bottle. I minimise my feelings and sublime all that toxic energy into other endeavours. Like getting high on sugar, caffeine, or anything that allows me to escape. If I’m lucky, I’ll feel numb again - which, ironically, maxes out the self-loathing. It hurts more as an asexual aromantic, because this just reinforces the stereotype of how I’m still broken for not having feelings. Which is why I prefer to constantly keep myself busy and get things done, because at least that shuts out my thoughts. Usually. And if nothing works, there’s always the perfect go-to fix: sleep.

It’s to sell the facade, see. Besides ensuring that I can still function, it’s to avoid the concerned questions because when it comes to Real Talk, I’ll probably start crying thanks to all repressed emotions all these years. That’s why humour - a mature defence mechanism, even - is an amazing cover. What’s the point of Suffering™ if you can’t laugh about it, right? (It’s to blunt the sense of hopelessness and powerlessness, actually). HAHA. People still get surprised when I tell them I have stage fright. They see the easy-going confidence and calmness - but not the tension in my muscles, my racing heartbeat, and the tunnel vision.

Yet, I still don’t think I deserve the “honour” of putting a name to my struggles, not when other people have it worse than me. That I’m just blowing things out of proportion again, that I’m being hyper-sensitive, that it’s just a phase, that I’m being irrational. But I cannot honestly remember a time when I wasn’t like this, and I don’t know if my inability to remember is because I’m repressing again or I genuinely don’t remember.

It doesn’t help to grow up in a family that - in typical Asian style - throws around you’re imagining things, I did [hurtful thing] because I love you like confetti when I tell them my feelings about their actions. Sure, they support my physical needs just fine, but on the flip side, rarely affirm whatever I do - and definitely voice out when I do fuck up. What’s the end message I got? That my feelings aren’t valid. That what I want or do isn’t worth it. Because if I don’t respond the way they want to, they’ll somehow redirect it to make it my fault. (This is emotional neglect and/or abuse, by the way).

For some reason, collectivism (i.e. “Asian-ness”) demands us to be emotionally unexpressive to not offend others or influence them with our emotions. Plus, in my experience, praise is frowned upon in Malay-Muslim culture in fears of inflating egos and cultivating self-pride because such behaviours are sinful. So what do we get? A community that frowns on affirmation. I don’t remember a time where I was ever praised by family. If I was, it usually was a backhanded compliment, making me wholly resistant to compliments I receive now because I just can’t accept it. I can’t believe that I’m what people describe me to be, because I grew up in an environment that always made me second-guess my worth and right to exist. Yes. What’s the thought that gets hammered in? I’m never enough.

I don’t even want to talk about how religion has influenced how my feelings are trivialised by well-meaning but ultimately harmful statements from family, where I eventually internalised such thoughts to self-minimise my own feelings. The concept of rezeki, or one’s fortune, makes them say things like at least he’s still providing for you when I point out his toxic behaviours towards us, and you should be thankful that you’re not like those people in [impoverished or disaster-stricken area] when I talk about how some aspect of modern life distresses me. “Contentment culture”, as I’d call it, doesn’t do shit for our mental health. Rather, it further reinforces how we don’t deserve to feel the way we do, because “we’re not suffering enough”. Yes, I don’t doubt how helps us stay aware of our blessings, but it shouldn’t be used like a bludgeon to shut down someone’s feelings. You know what’s missing here? Validating what we feel. (Surprise! It’s possible to do both!). It’s exhausting to constantly justify why I feel the way I do, and it’s no surprise when I stop bothering to share and because I came to believe that my suffering will never be bad enough because there’s always someone out there who deserves it more.

What’s the result? Someone who refuses to seek help because they’ve been socialised to be independent - no matter what. Someone who fears responsibility because the fear of fouling up expectations stops them from the start. Someone who has trouble regulating their emotions because they’ve been told and learnt that emotions are Not Welcome. Because to have needs, to “take up space”, is to be a burden. So when emotions do flare up...the bottle breaks. 

Like how a friend put succinctly, it’s tiring. It’s so tiring. It’s exhausting to get up and go about doing the 10001 responsibilities and performances to quell the feelings of self-loathing and self-blame once I don’t meet the unrealistically high standards I’ve imposed on myself - which, at the same time, I don’t hold others to. Because I don’t want to burden them. And of course, the resultant snowballing of consequences and the stress that arises from having to manage them.

But I keep it together. That’s what I do; what I need to be. (I’ve long lost the ability to discern whether this is another expectation hardcoded into my brain, or something I genuinely want). Along the way, when the going gets tough, I have my coping mechanisms - anything remotely mood-altering or escapist...but halal - to force myself into a better state of mind (it works, kinda) while conveniently shutting off my emotional self because it’s too much for me to handle without exploding.

And I sincerely hope that I’ll never find one that’ll kill me.

A/N: I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe it’s for catharsis, maybe it’s the hope that you’ll find comfort in relating to this - because you’re neither broken, nor alone for feeling this way. But I guess I mainly wanted to say: your feelings are valid. If it hurts you, it hurts you. And that should be enough a reason to seek help - professional or otherwise - like I did. Notice how the notion of “deserving help” isn’t in the picture, because that’s a judgement and not a feeling.

It’s not easy learning to love yourself again, but finding unconditional positive support and validation from adult figures or friends helps. So does learning to listen to yourself again, instead of shutting out the most basic part of yourself - your emotions. Most of all, allow yourself the time and space to stumble along the way. 

As an important person in my life told me: 

don’t be too hard on yourself when you think of “your issues”...the last I checked, broken crayons still colour beautifully.

I know it seems impossible, but one day, we will find the peace that we crave.