#ill never be heartbroken over a man again now

[aashiqvi]

i have such a specific type in men im gagged coz its so basic. a brown man with a fade haircut and a beard. the beard is essential. and everything else. thats it. u hit the gym too 😫✋🏼 thats it. thats all. its so specific n there r sm of them in england i literally win

[chl-owo-e]

(Daryl Dixon X Reader)

-They first gotten to Alexandria-

Daryl going down on the Reader of the first time in a bed since the prison :(

———————————————————————

this would be the first time in a while that they had been so close to each other since the fall of the Prison.And since then you and Daryl had been separated. You had Judith when you ran from the burning building that you once called home. You had left the baby with Carol and Tyreese when you had found them and went off to find Daryl. Yeah you felt bad doing that to them, but your red neck man is more important.

Terminus was when you disappeared again, Carol had thought you died and never brought you up to Daryl. It wasn’t till the two of them went looking for Beth that she said a word about you. Daryl had already knew that your disappearance was taking a toll on him, he felt heartbroken when he didn’t see you anywhere with the group.

But it all changed when he bumped into Noah and spoke of Beth and you. Daryl had a new found sense of clarity, he needed to find you at whatever cost. When he saw you standing there un harmed except a few bruises relief took over his body.

Now he wants to show you everything, everything you mean to him, every single emotion he wants to make you feel. He never felt so at peace before, in between your legs giving you the most pleasure you want (even tho hes just doing this for him). His mouth is buried and his lower face is soaked with your juices.

Daryl just lazily makes out with your pussy leaving nothing un touched. Your legs would clench around his head every now and then giving him a good squeeze but Daryl would never get tired of that feeling. Everything feels so heavenly, your lower half being so sensitive it hurts yet it feels so good.

Daryl would spend hours like this, having you scream his name out even while some of the group is home. Him especially has no shame when he wants to show off who is woman is even tho hes more of a “Im your man ill do whatever you want me to.” type of guy

———————————————————————

A/N; Thinking about using part of this in my fanfic, but other than that i just wanted to write this down. (Even tho its prolly bad)

[fanfic-recs-01]

Peter Parker in Gotham Fic Recs

This is a list of fics with Peter Parker in Gotham I like on AO3, if you have any recs for me feel free to send me some!

The ships are all over the place and most are unfished fyi

Dark Matter by mysterycyclone *Unfinished

~The last thing Peter sees is Tony's horrified, heartbroken expression leaning over him. The guilt in his eyes is almost worse than the burning pain that's taking Peter apart piece by piece. The world starts to go dark.~

Green, through and through by another_fucking_robin for fruitymarauders

*Unfinished

~A spell goes wrong on Titan and Peter Parker ends up in a lazarus machine in Gotham. Every bat is chomping at the bit to adopt the tiny zombie boy, but they're just a tad bit distracted with a new spider-themed vigilante running around.~

Red and Blue are Hero Colors by Cashmire *Unfinished

~Peter has been feeling really lonely since everyone forgot he existed. So he decides to build a stargate to try and open doorways to other universes, hoping to maybe see the other Peter's again. But things don't quite go according to plan and he ends up in a strange city where Peter never existed and bats watch over the night.~

Should have just Surrendered by Anonymous *Unfinished

~After Peter gets dusted and loses everything in the War of the Infinity Stones, he believes that this is the final sign that the universe gave him to prove he can't be a hero.

So when he wakes up in a new world, with just his Iron Spider Suit and no clothes on his back he decides it is time to leave the hero life in the past and move on. Throwing his Spider Suit in the trash he goes on his way.~

A Long Way From Home (And No Way Back) by Vivia_wants_boba

*Unfinished

~“Oh,” the kid says, head turning to look back at the bathroom. “It’s fine. I’ve got it figured out.”

Dick’s face pulls to a pinched expression, shaking his head slowly. “As much as I’d love to believe you, I can’t. That stuff can’t just be emptied down the drain.”

The kid’s own face scrunches this time. “Why not?”~

Butler Spider by Danny_shells *Unfinished

~Alfred finds himself doing the adopting instead of Bruce, this time of a spider. Can Spider-Man become a first rate butler and keep his secret identity?~

Make It Out Just to Fall by derryhawkins *Unfinished

~Peter Parker gets sent to Gotham City in one last attempt by Doctor Strange to keep the multiverse from destroying New York City. The events that follow are interesting, to say the least.~

Spiders and Bats get along great! by RRTimDrake

~it’s that one fanfic where Peter Parker gets “adopted” by Bruce.~

Webbing up a Family by Agelaius_Ace

~After the events of Mysterio and No-Way-Home, Peter is alone. May is dead, Ned and MJ moved away, Tony doesn’t remember him. So Peter lets himself die.~

The Life, Death, and Recreation of Peter Parker by obliven

~What happens to Peter Parker when he gets dumped in Gotham City with nothing but the clothes on his back and his wallet?

Adventures include: - Peter gets a sugar daddy - Peter gets recruited to a drug ring - Peter cons a crime boss~

Homesick by NotSoSweetHeh

~Homesick; experiencing a longing for one's home during a period of absence from it.

Peter told Strange to erase him from everyone’s memory, but the world would forget his existence as well. As a last resort to keep Peter safe, he is sent to another world.~

Into Gotham by Chronicly Ill Girl (lilithzebra)

~Peter Parker is not having a good day. He was just trying to buy a sandwich. But now he is stranded in a city that doesn’t exist in his universe, all alone, and he never even got his sandwich.~

Set Naked On Your Kingdom by sassydandelion

~At the end of No Way Home, Peter chooses to sacrifice his life in New York to save the multi-verse...by letting Dr. Strange send him to a world where no one has ever heard of Spider-Man. What kind of crazy place is this Gotham City, anyway?~

time flies by (bye) by WHYISEVERYNAMETAKEN

~"Maybe," Peter thought, "I can make a life here." Hence the tears and the guilt and the grief, because was Peter allowed to move on? Was he allowed to… to leave it all behind? Leave all the bad things in the past? Peter was "The Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man!" after all, and wasn’t he letting Queens - his people - down if he didn’t fight tooth and nail to get back to them?~

[demonslayedher]

I feel like there’s always been a lot of “what-if” questions with KnY, but the biggest one for me is What if Muzan never became a demon? Either by the doctor having successfully curing his illness without demonifying him or if he died early as expected, how would that have changed the course of the character’s history?

HAPPY ENDS FOR EVERYONE BUT KIBUTSUJI MUZAN!!!

--His wives are free from his abuse, the doctor is sad he failed but he goes on to treat many good people, the Ubuyashiki mission-oriented branch of their noble clan doesn't even go on to exist because they just go along their normal merry noble way.

--Tamayo does wind up dying from her illness, but peacefully surrounded by her beloved family. Yushiro later dies, but more pissed off about it.

--Yoriichi and Uta live happily ever after. The Kamados move into an abandoned house down the road and their descendants are fruitful and forever happy neighbors. There was one time when Yoriichi was away looking for a midwife that Uta was almost killed by a wild animal, but a swordsman out there in the quiet of nature practicing his family's flame inspired sword techniques saves her, and he and his family also also become good friends of the Mt. Kumotori simple folk.

--Michikatsu goes on to have an illustrious samurai career and have illustrious descendents. Muichiro and Yuichiro therefore live in the city and go to a fancy private school where they are popular geniuses. It goes to their heads sometimes, though.

--Douma eventually dies an old cult leader without many complaints. Hakuji committed terrible acts, but he was then adopted by a new master, a swordman named Rengoku, who guided him in doing the work to amend his ways. Lots of very angry meditation before Hakuji ever finds enough peace with himself to enjoy gardening and tending koi ponds again.

--Gyutaro and Daki do indeed meet a sad end, but they meet a hypnotist who at least lets them see happy dreams as they die. They get reincarnated into kinder circumstances, albeit Gyutaro always feels a lot of jealousy for people who have things better than him and he'll probably bring about his own downfall again unless Ume steps in and stops him, because she knows he's kinder than that.

--Himejima has a happy family life with his orphans, and remains skin and bones. He eventually had to kick Kaigaku out for causing trouble, though. Himejima cried a lot over having the do that.

--Kaigaku is adopted by an old man who takes him in to train him in... say... electricity. Yes, Jiichan is now the Japanese Nicola Tesla and wants to make Kaigaku into a brilliant scientist. He recruits Zenitsu for the same task and Kaigaku is jealous. Zenitsu gets zapped in the lab.

--Urokodaki was a regular Edo ronin. After the Meiji Restoration, he started an orphanage. Makomo still lives there happily, Sabito has grown up and, uh, joined the military. Because Giyuu is so influenced by his childhood friend he winds up doing the same. Tsutako is happily married.

--Inosuke's out there doing his forest thing but eventually finds himself on the neighboring mountain making friends with the Tsugikuni and Kamado kids. This was after a brief stint being adopted by Himejima, but Himejima was too weak-willed in nicely asking Inosuke to behave, and he was heartbroken with worry when Inosuke wandered off. He saw Inosuke more like a stray cat than a human child.

--The Kochou girls attend a fancy school, Kanae has lots of offers for marriage but Shinobu is disinterested. They came across a girl on a bridge who was getting taken into slavery and brought her home. Aoi, having been sent away from her family home to do domestic work so as to earn money for her family (as was common in the day), works in the Kochou home. Kiyo, Sumi, and Naho happily grow up in their own families and are squeamish at the sight of blood, what with the lack of having to be exposed to it.

--Mitsuri's family takes a vacation out for an island holiday. Mitsuri was hoping for a romantic encounter but finds it odd that there are so many women. While starving herself and she gets dizzy and wanders off and gets hopelessly lost until she encounters a boy with a snake around his shoulders and two different eye colors, in a total separate part of the vacation mansion. He's alarmed that she's so faint and gives her the rich food he didn't have the stomach to touch, she comes back to life and cheerfully thanks him, and then they start chatting, and she's the best thing that's ever come into his sheltered rich boy world, and they have a whirlwind romance which involves her courageously using her strength to beat off his family and free him to join her on the mainland so that they can live happily ever after.

--Uzui and wives become vigilantes. Flamboyant vigilantes. Uzui leans into this personality and the newspaper are always filled with the latest exploits of that mysteriously flamboyant man, taking down corrupt officials and beating up criminals in back alleys. Nezuko is a huge fan and on a long awaited and saved-up for trip to try to meet him, she finds herself in trouble (it's easy to get disoriented in the big city, after all), and Zenitsu comes to her rescue and tazors the perps. It's love at first sight for both of them, and they start a long-distance letter writing relationship. Tanjiro is concerned that this boy Nezuko is writing to might be embellishing things.

--Life's been a lot better for the Shinazugawas since their pops got stabbed. The children have all started earning money once they're old enough, but Sanemi wants them to continue their educations, so he joins the military. He winds up getting in fights with Giyuu and Sabito but eventually they all become friends. Genya eventually tries to join too once the younger kids need less care and looking after, but Sanemi doesn't take kindly to that. Kanae becomes a volunteer nurse in the military and meets them all this way.

--In case it's not clear, the Rengoku family maintains the generations of bonds so Kyojuro and Senjuro and Shinjuro pay regular visit to Mt. Kumotori. Kyojuro teaches Tanjiro kendo.

--One day Tanjiro is strolling around the mountain and he sees mysterious blue spider lilies. "Those are nice," he says, and then no one ever pays a second thought to the flowers ever again.

[cream0fwheat1998]

Of Mean & Mice (Dark! Rafe Cameron x reader) 2

NONCON, BULLYING, DRUGS (probably)

Summary: Y/n thought the nightmare was over. Over a week later, Rafe and his pals find her again during the closing shift of her job. Just what exactly does aggressive, entitled man want with her?

Y/n ran to Sarah's room as tears fled from her eyes. She didn't know exactly what she wanted to do to Sarah, hit, scream or just run away from her; but all of that could wait with Rafe Cameron, her rapist, just down the hall.

When she reached Sarah's door, her feet met with a stiff force. Looking down, was Y/n's overnight bag sitting outside. The door to Sarah's room was locked but she could her music and girls laughing.

It was like a headache; the little fuzzies filling her brain until the reality weighed her down.

It was all planned from the start.

Y/n gathered her belongings and dashed toward the stairs and once she reached the front door, she glanced back and at the top of the steps was Rafe Cameron leaning against the stair rails.

He tipped an invisible hat at her; it was enough to make her puke while escaping to the pitch-blackness of the late night hours.

One Week Later

Y/n begged her mother to let her go with her mother and dad to a hospital (in a different state) for his next operation but they didn't want her to go and make her miss school. The truth was, no amount of medicine or surgeries seemed to make her dad better and they were pushing Y/n away from the inevitable; that his time was soon and they were too heartbroken to admit it.

She was alone again but this time she wouldn't be going over anyone's house or even stopping to talk with another person on her way out the door.

Y/n checked her phone, "An hour left." She made a mental note and slid it back in her pocket.

In a state of tiresome, repetitive chores, Y/n smiled at the thought of going home and tossing something in the oven for dinner. She swept the backroom of her restaurant while the front house chattered about their plans for after close.

A bell rings at the opening of the entrance to the shop and a shuffle of several different voices boomed in. I could hear our hostess groan, telling the newly arrived customers that the kitchen closes soon and we're out of some ingredients so we cant make everything on the menu.

"Well we're hungry so too bad. We'll just have what you have left and keep a low profile.'' A young man voiced.

After putting my cleaning supplies away, I walked to the exit of the backroom to see through the small window on the door a group of young men sitting in the nearest booth but a certain light brunet/blonde stood out.

The thought of everything caused Y/n's heart beat to increase; the speed made her stomach turn and the feeling that if her heart went any faster, it'd rip itself out of her chest.

Y/n's hands met the sides of her head as she slid down the cold, metal door. There was teeth biting into her shoulders, hair pulled and hips grabbed with such force that she's sure she still has a handprint on her skin.

And none of it was meant in the way she'd desired to have with somebody, one day. But now her fears of not doing well on her finals and the cosmic level of stress caused by her fathers' illness was semi-replaced with running into a handsome devil who cared for no one except himself.

She heard him and his buddies laugh. All she felt was shame and guilt from something that wasn't her fault while the man responsible for the damage was hanging out with his pals and laughing as if he'd never done anything wrong, ever.

Her shoulders slumped at the thought that he was so cruel that all he really did want from her sex and instead of asking her, he took the biggest piece-of-shit way to get there.

There was something bittersweet about this realization; that sex really was all he wanted and now that he'd gotten it, he wouldn't bother her anymore.

With an ounce of courage, Y/n lifted herself off the ground and secured her purse of her shoulder. She'd walk out there, say goodbye to her coworkers and leave for the day. She would tell them that she doesn't feel well and she'd disciplined for leaving a bit early, then so be it.

Y/n took a deep breath, prepared to walk into the lion's den and pay no mind to the monster thats an arms' length away from her.

She pushed on the door (with a little more force than intended) and strut out to the front of the store. Behind her, she felt the heat of several pairs of eyes and the sound loud whispers.

"Rafe, is that the girl?" One boy says pointing behind his back.

Rafe glanced from his fries to the girl who was obviously trying to runaway from him. There were many things in his head; and the pouty lips and wet eyes of the woman he forced into bed with him days earlier occupied most of his thoughts.

He smirked to save face, "Yeah. Bro let me tell you she's actually quite the slut. It's always the quiet ones you've gotta look out for." Rafe said, throwing a french fry at Topper like it was an airplane.

Kelce and Topper laughed out loud while Y/n picked up her pace and fled out the restaurant doors'. She didn't say goodbye to anyone.

15 minutes down the road, Y/n let out a cold sigh of relief. She saw her breath in the cold, midnight air and regretted not bringing a thicker jacket.

The sound of tires screeching against the uneven pavement of the road and bright lights that shone from behind her meant a car was coming and probably driven by someone who cares not for legal speeds.

Though Y/n got out of the way; she realized she didn't need to when the car started to slow down, following her. She looked back but in the blackness of the night she couldn't tell who was driving or what kind of car it was. The lights were too much and she turned back and kept walking away.

The car's wheels ran slowly; the driver was purposefully matching her speed. In a moment of a absent courage; Y/n took off down the road at full speed hoping to lose the stalker.

The car sped up, but not enough to run her down. It was clear they weren't gonna stop and Y/n didn't know what else to do but make a detour into the woods next to her. There were no houses or buildings to run too. She was on her own; as if that wasn't typical of her already.

While dashing through the chilly, dark woods, y/n heard the door of the car close and a shuffle of running behind her. Deep in the back of the mind, she knew who following her and she admitted to herself she rather take her chances with a serial killer.

"Can you just stop fucking running already!" Rafe screams.

Y/n knew her legs wouldn't keep up for much longer but exhaustion from running from her rapist was worth it. He would not have her tonight.

"Goddammit Y/n talk to me please! It doesn't matter how far you run or who you get to protect you; believe that I'll get you. Always!" Rafe yelled, stopping to catch his breath at a tree.

Looking back was y/n's mistake because she flew to the ground, landing chin first on cold, crunchy leaves. She used her strength to hold herself up and looked back at the large root she stumbled on and couldnt help but give it a bitter kick.

She tried to get up but realized she must of hurt her ankle when it stretched in pain; causing her to yelp aloud. The stinging chill of the night air kept her tears at bay. But she was shaking and cursed herself, knowing she'd need help to get up.

Rafe strode over to the helpless female; feeling like a warrior who fought for a prize and won. He shook his head at the distraught woman that hasn't left his mind since taking her those few days ago.

He bent down to meet her eyes and thumbed her cheek. "You are so precious. It's really cute that you thought you could get away from me." He said, wiping away some of the moisture under her eyes.

Y/n growled and threw a fruitless slap at him. Rafe just chuckled. "Come on pretty girl, you arent tough and you know it. If you really wanted to keep me away you should have bought a gun or just not leave your house. It's that simple."

Though y/n was ashamed for giving up, her ankle needed to be looked at and Y/n need warmth.

Rafe knew this by watching her shiver. This was the part of control he adored; he got to decide if she got help and what type of help she'd get. He was willing to give her all of it, if she behaves, that is.

"Alright pretty, enough games for tonight. How does an ice pack for your ankle sound? And then to bed at the Cameron house. I'm sure my bed is better than whatever shit-shack you live in." Rafe picked her up, ignoring the half-attempted pleas for him to release girl.

"Shh shhh. It's okay. You've got me now and I'll take care of you. For a price. We'll talk about it tomorrow." Rafe buckled in the silent girl, the fear radiating off her from the violent way she shook.

Y/n didn't want to admit it, but she was scared of Rafe Cameron. The smile he gave her mean he could feel it too. He loved it.

[issuesdolly]

VERY sad recent personal experience- need to vent

hey folks.... I had to vent to the empty Tumblr space about a very upsetting/confusing recent experience. I have a TikTok where I make JD/Korn related content as well as vids of myself about my life and some comedy stuff of me.

Well, few months ago, a guy found my videos and followed me and seemed to care deeply about the health advocacy videos I put up regarding my terminal + chronic pain illness. He invited me to speak with him and after seeing him on vid + in person, he looked VERY VERY SIMILAR to Jonathan Davis in his 30s... as well as being a huge JD/Korn fan. So yeah him 36 me 33.... living nearby each other. He could even do some good JD vocal immitations when we'd be singing along to the songs together and stuff lol. So.... y'all can imagine how that made me feel lol.

He told me for months he thought I'm beautiful... that he likes me and wanted to get into a relationship. I was pretty much blown away. I was like "seriously????" cuz... it felt like a dream or something haha. I explain over and over again about my failing health and educated him on all that is wrong with me.. testing him....and he was still supportive saying he accepts that that's where it's at for me and still wants to be with me. When I'd had worse flairups he said lovely things like "I wish I could take your pain away," and I would say stuff like "you do... as much as anyone can." Which was true. I was falling for him for sure.

We started spending more time together and he started talking about wanting to hook up. Obviously, I wanted that more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HAHA. But... I got scared saying "you are extremely attractive to me but I'm afraid to just hook up.... I'd like to get to know you better first??" because believe it or not... as pervy as I am in my writing, I'm VERY careful in my real life where my physical safety/men are concerned. And where my heart is concerned.

BECAUSE this guy was SO good looking I had to think "I wonder how many women/people he's trying this with????" Him being single and wanting to spend his life with a dying lady seemed too good to be true. He also spends a lot of time out with friends and going to concerts and clubs while I'm bedridden so I had to wonder what he's really up to when I'm not around. Basically I was being appropriately skeptical. And also didn't want to get heartbroken if he saw the vulnerability of my situation knowing I'm very sick/depressed and he reminds me of JD.

I admitted I'm VERY attracted to him and definitely want to fuck him lol.... but want to be careful and spend more time with him before getting into that.

Obviously after I wasn't moving "fast" enough... the JD- lookalike guy has kinda stopped responding to my messages or caring as much. He went from bombarding me with conversation to ghosting for days. Which obviously means he never cared about my health problems + life in the first place. I've been pretty devastated...Since obviously my fondest hope before death would be to meet someone awesome who REMINDS me of Jonathan or the things I like about Jonathan (or at least appreciates his music).. Feeling STUPID and pretty heartbroken. I was with one man for 10 years and that relationship ended this February but what has transpired now has actually cut me deeper than the end of my 10-year relationship.

Also this JD look alike guy has been the ODDEST experience of my life too BTW.

NOT even kidding that dude:

-came out of nowhere.. messaged me

-pursued ME not the other way around

- looked JUST like Jonathan besides dreads but he has long black hair, thick rim black glasses, same height/build/facial hair and how he had it cut. I even asked friends and family showing them pics like "AM I NUTS OR DOES HE LOOK LIKE JONATHAN????" and they were like "he could be a fucking impersonator of early 2000s JD . WTF no you're not nuts"

And yeah this dude spent months acting like he cared about me saying stuff like "I'm always here for you... you can always reach out to me...." "Anyone who loved you would never leave you due to poor health and I accept your health problems and still REALLY like you and want to be with you" or "I'm grateful you're in the world don't give up." FML.

[firendgold]

If you're still doing the choose violence ask game: 2 (👀), 9, 10, 22 ?

I got such a rush from finally answering the first ask that I'm doing this for as long as people send me questions. So here we go again!

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

anon, I'm at work. I'm seeing this at work. :'D

Okay, serious face. Albus Dumbledore is probably my fave if I have to choose between him and Harry on this blog. I just have to figure out why he would never...

Bottom. Albus would never, I'm sorry. He won't. He can't. Like, maybe when he was having his whirlwind summer romance with Gellert, he bottomed every single time they fucked because he was so in love and this was his equal and his partner and so what if he was a little rough and distant sometimes in the bedroom, and always wanted to top and tug his hair and hiss out orders? This was The Man The Universe Had Crafted For Him, and he would absolutely bottom for him every time... and then the summer of 1899 ends. And Ariana dies. And Aberforth breaks Albus' nose. And Gellert fucks off to go be a fascist.

And Albus, alone and heartbroken, resolves to never trust someone that completely again, never love someone that same way, and never let anyone get into a position of power over him where they might be able to use his knowledge and talents for ill. That means physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically... carnally. So he has sex with plenty of other people, and even falls in love with a few of them, but he is in control at all times. He never bottoms again.

That's all I've got for that one.

9. worst part of canon

So the first answer that came to mind is posted here, but for fairness' sake I'll try to come up with another worst thing. (That's not related to ships, because I'm trying really hard not to be THAT violent on the violence ask game.)

I think... that if That Woman was going to introduce international schools, students and characters in the middle book of the series, she should have done more with them than having them vanish after Goblet of Fire, only to come back for either fake romantic tension and one line of exposition about the Hitler allegory Dark Lord of the Before-Times (Krum, Deathly Hallows) or to be married off to a Weasley for an aesop of It's Not About His Looks Now That They're Jacked Up (Fleur, Half-Blood Prince). I'm not saying Fleur and Viktor HAD to be best buddies forever with Harry, but it is weird that they have this unique bond that no other young students have had with each other in hundreds of years, they even lost one of their fellow champions, Dumbledore gives this very moving speech about remaining connected and not letting darkness and prejudice sever new ties, and then... nothing. No side adventures in France or wherever Durmstrang is, no communication from either side, nothing.

Feels like a huge letdown in hindsight.

10. worst part of fanon

Oh, no. That's not fair. There's just so many.

If I had to consolidate what I currently don't like about the HP fandom/fanon into a few lines, I think I would say that I hate the pureblood/Dark side apologism. I do believe in nuance in characters. I do believe redemption and/or walking different paths is an important theme in Harry Potter, and I think it's fascinating to explore that with any and every character you can think of, even characters I may not personally like. But I really, really hate the way the fandom has taken that and twisted it into this idea that we were sold a lie at the start: that the British magical government was fine the way it was, and so was the society around it; that Dark magic Isn't All That Bad, Really, and there are actually Good and non-prejudiced things about a few rich bitches passing down their knowledge and secrets and slurs for generations within the Family, and keeping the Family "Pure" is cool actually, and none of this has any relation to real life ideas about miscegenation and classism and racism and eugenics, what are you talking about?

It's just so worrying. As a minority, when I see people on tumblr/twitter/AO3 gleefully agreeing that we need to eat the rich and fix society and eradicate all the horrid -isms and -archys ruining all our lives, then watch them turn around and write a 200k epic where Dumbledore was the evil one for locking the Horcrux books away and championing marginalized members of society, Hermione is just uppity for wanting to make necessary changes to the darker parts of magical society that That Woman was literally pointing out for a reason, and Tom Riddle is only bad because he took the good segregationist pureblood ideas and added murder to them... and when that fic gets thousands of comments agreeing with them full stop with no examination of any of that... it makes me anxious, at a minimum. The same thing is happening now with Grindelwald now that he's actually a figure on the screen and not just some dude mentioned a few times in the book series: same apologism, same justification of atrocities, same good-guy-blame-games, same blorbofication even.

On the one hand... fiction doesn't always directly reflect or affect reality. On the other... this unironic pro-pureblood meta is a pervasive concept that has popped up in thousands of fics written by thousands of fanfic writers. It's happened for years, and it keeps happening, and I see very few fans speaking out against it or even acknowledging it as a problem. So that makes me ask myself, who actually is willing and able to examine the injustices of our society and build a better imaginary society through the lens of HP fanfiction, and who's okay with the prejudice in the HP world as long as it's coming from the faves they're attracted to?

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

Happily, this is a harder question to answer because I've been finding so many like minds in the past 5 years who go feral over the same 20 HP scenes as I do. ^^ But give me a sec, I'll think of something.

...

Okay. Got it.

In order to answer this question, I have to go back to the first time I, young teenager, avid reader, recent reader of the HP series once book 5 was out, realized that Harry and Dumbledore had a much deeper relationship than just headmaster and student. The thing that made me latch on to them and project like crazy, basically.

It's the scene in Goblet of Fire chapter 36 where Harry has been rescued from Fake Moody and he's in Dumbledore's office with Dumbledore and Sirius. Dumbledore asks Harry to relay everything that happened to him once he touched the Portkey in the maze—and immediately Sirius tries to protect Harry from having to relive it now, so soon after it's happened. And then this scene happens.

Dumbledore stopped talking. He sat down opposite Harry, behind his desk. He was looking at Harry, who avoided his eyes. Dumbledore was going to question him. He was going to make Harry relive everything. “I need to know what happened after you touched the Portkey in the maze, Harry,” said Dumbledore. “We can leave that till morning, can’t we, Dumbledore?” said Sirius harshly. He had put a hand on Harry’s shoulder. “Let him have a sleep. Let him rest.” Harry felt a rush of gratitude toward Sirius, but Dumbledore took no notice of Sirius’s words. He leaned forward toward Harry. Very unwillingly, Harry raised his head and looked into those blue eyes. “If I thought I could help you,” Dumbledore said gently, “by putting you into an enchanted sleep and allowing you to postpone the moment when you would have to think about what has happened tonight, I would do it. But I know better. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. You have shown bravery beyond anything I could have expected of you. I ask you to demonstrate your courage one more time. I ask you to tell us what happened.” The phoenix let out one soft, quavering note. It shivered in the air, and Harry felt as though a drop of hot liquid had slipped down his throat into his stomach, warming him, and strengthening him. He took a deep breath and began to tell them. As he spoke, visions of everything that had passed that night seemed to rise before his eyes; he saw the sparkling surface of the potion that had revived Voldemort; he saw the Death Eaters Apparating between the graves around them; he saw Cedric’s body, lying on the ground beside the cup. Once or twice, Sirius made a noise as though about to say something, his hand still tight on Harry’s shoulder, but Dumbledore raised his hand to stop him, and Harry was glad of this, because it was easier to keep going now he had started. It was even a relief; he felt almost as though something poisonous were being extracted from him. It was costing him every bit of determination he had to keep talking, yet he sensed that once he had finished, he would feel better.

This is one of the best scenes in the entire book, the entire series. It completely refutes the fanon Dumbledore who is often cold, cruel, inflexible and unrelenting in his quest for whatever the author wants him to be inflexible and cruel about at the time. It shows that Dumbledore, the real Albus Dumbledore, is one of the few people who understands what Harry needs and is able to provide it to him, even when others who also care for Harry would rather protect him or shield him from what he needs.

Kid me was particularly taken by how gentle Dumbledore is with Harry here. It made me look back and see how in some ways this scene, this closeness, is the culmination of all the times they've met and spoken before.

(You can imagine how painful it was reading Order of the Phoenix right after this.)

But yeah, that's probably one of my favorite scenes that other people ignore or haven't talked about/drawn/written about much. Which is ironic, because the scene right after that where Harry talks about Voldemort taking his blood and Dumbledore's eyes do the triumphant "lol Voldemort just fucked up" gleam is probably one of THE most talked-about scenes in the fandom (even though to this fucking day in 2023 people still don't realize what the gleam meant, when even That Woman has clarified what it meant in INTERVIEWS).

...And for me, safely at the end of the questions, that's all she wrote.

[faggy-dog]

happy pride everyone! a new month is here and with it a new Deadlights trailer! For June we have a slate of some of the most beautiful, evocative animated films from the past 40 years! Check out Gretchen's patreon to join us for:

MOVING PICTURES

a note on this month's stinger: in May i learned that a dear friend of mine, Jim Gabriel, died unexpectedly. A brilliant cinephile who was so loved and cherished on what we even now still loosely refer to as "film twitter" that people who had only spoken to him a handful of times were heartbroken to learn of his death.

Over the past decade, Jim was like a father to me. He taught me so much about movies and life. He was so warm and genuine, so damn funny and caring, and he was let down again and again by the "safety nets" that should have caught him as a mentally ill bi man living in extreme poverty. But one thing he taught me, with his words and his life, was that even being so brain sick, so poor, handed the worst deck imaginable we still are allowed to experience joy and we have to grab it whenever we can. And that art is one of life's ultimate joys.

I can't believe we'll never shoot the shit about movies and drugs and life again, we'll never clown on dumb bullshit again, we'll never have another long phone call. i know that for the rest of my life when an especially cool movie is coming out or someone is being really asinine about movies I will feel a twinge of grief because i wish so badly i could hear what he thinks about all of it. this trailer is dedicated to his memory, a testament to his unbridled passion for film, which will live on in me and his loved ones forever. thank you for everything, Jim.

and thank you to anyone who read this far about my dear friend who i miss so much. please enjoy the trailer and think about joining us at the Deadlights Theater!

[cocksuki2]

tw: vent, talk about suicide (not me obviously), mentions of death, grief, personal stuff

okay so i’ve been trying for a while to put my feelings into words about what’s been happening in my personal life and im finding it increasingly difficult to talk about it, so im just gonna try and get it out here and hope that it helps me process it.

on thursday, a friend i have known since i can remember committed suicide. i got the call from my mom while i was at work. it’s really difficult to describe this particular kind of loss and what exactly is happening in my head but the majority of it is disbelief. i genuinely can’t believe it and im having trouble coming to terms with it. 

his funeral is on november 25th and i’ve made arrangements to go home. our community and friends have raised enough money to fly his body home and to pay for the funeral and absolutely none of it feels real. 

it’s hard to like... process it and come to understand it. and it’s hard knowing that there will never be closure as to why. it’s hard to accept that there’s no reason we’ll ever know and that he’s just... gone just like that. one minute here and the next gone. i can’t reconcile it. 

he was a really good kid. he was a good guy with a good heart. he was so smart, such an incredible athlete, and a role model for a lot of people in my community. he was a household name in my house for as long as i can remember. my mom loved him and watched him grow up and into the man he became. my sister and i grew up following in his foot steps both athletically and academically even though he was only a year above us. 

my mom spoke to his mom four days before and they talked about how excited he was to be getting back to school after a two year break. he was excited to start swimming for his school again. he’d made new friends who treated him well and was excited to turn over a new leaf this year and start fresh. 

all i can think about is him and where he is now. i can’t stop thinking about why or the type of pain he must have been in. to me, he’s still alive you know? like he’s still in the same place we left him, you know? i keep thinking about if he’s happy now and if he’s at peace. if he’s somewhere easier and finally resting. i keep thinking that i wish i could ask him, just to check.  

i don’t know. my sister was talking with a friend who told her “what he did is not who he was. he was sick. he was sick and his illness killed him and that’s all it was.” and i think that’s been helping me process. because i know that he was more than that. he’s always been more than the way he struggled and he always will be. it just feels impossible to fully accept that he’s gone and im at a true loss for the first time in my life. i won’t ever hear about him again. my sister will never swim with him again. i won’t ever see him again. i won’t ever hear my mom gush about his recent accomplishments again. 

it’s really hard to come to terms with. i wish i had a better way to articulate that, but it’s the most i can say. it’s hard and it’s scary and im so heartbroken that i don’t really know what to do with myself. it’s getting easier as the days go by but it still feels impossible. 

[chenqing9]

Felt the absolute need to share this story that jerked me out of a very dark downward spiral. I hope it does the same for someone else. Actually this whole book pulled me out of it. “Dark at the Crossing” by Elliot Ackerman. Yes, I like Ackermans.

—

"Do you know the story of Cause the donkey?" asked Amir, lighting a cigarette.

"A donkey named Cause?" said Haris. "No, never heard that one."

"I used to tell it to Daphne. The donkey, you see, belonged to an old political activist--hence its name- an elderly farmer with a pistachio crop outside Shamer, near my grandfather's farm.

“The man's grandson lived with him, his parents having been killed during the French Mandate. One summer, the marketplace in Shamer began selling a new type of tractor that was far cheaper to maintain than a donkey, so the farmer and the boy journeyed there to sell Cause. With the boy mounted on Cause's back, the three had traveled about a mile down a dirt road- their total journey to the marketplace being about four miles--when one of the wealthy landowners pulled alongside them in an elegant black Mercedes. He stopped next to Cause and cracked his window, shouting at the boy: 'For shame! Get off that donkey! Let the man who's given you all he has ride for a change.' Then, before the boy could answer, the landowner rolled up his window and sped off. The three stood in the road, choking on dust from the Mercedes.

"Worried they might see this great landowner again, the boy dismounted and the old man rode. They continued the next mile down the road until they came upon another farmer, a bitter man whose crops had failed the last three seasons. He snatched Cause's reins by the halter. 'Despicable old man,’ he snapped. ‘The boy's parents died fighting injustice and you force him to walk as if you were al-Assad, the president himself?’ Not wanting any trouble, the old man dismounted. He and his grandson stood with their donkey, perplexed, unsure how they should proceed. Suddenly, the boy became inspired: ‘Grandfather, Grandfather, he said, 'we can both ride Cause?’ The boy's grandfather appreciated the quickness of his grandson's mind. It reminded him of the boy's parents, who had been killed by the French. The grandfather's chest swelled with pride as he placed the boy on Cause's back, mounting behind him.

“Less than a mile from the market, they passed an old woman, and the grandfather called out: ‘Good morning!’ The old woman turned, leaning heavily on the cane she needed to walk. At first she smiled widely, like a sweet grandmother, but before she could offer a greeting, her feeble eyes brought Cause and the two riders into focus. 'Cruel, heartless men!' she cried. 'Both of you riding a weak, aged donkey. Dismount before you kill him or I'lI report you to the authorities once I arrive in Shamer!' Both grandfather and grandson clumsily dismounted, nearly falling over themselves, their disgrace was so great. 'Always there is something wrong,’ grumbled the old man as they continued, overtaking the woman.

"Grandfather,' said the boy, 'no reason to be upset. We've found the way now. We'll walk beside Cause and everyone will be content.' No sooner had he said this than a policeman galloped past on a black, thick-chested mare. 'What's wrong with you fools?' said the policeman. 'What is a donkey for except for riding? Have you walked this whole time?' Before they could tell him of the difficulties they'd had riding Cause, the policeman galloped off. Heartbroken that no one could understand his simple desire to do right, the grandfather turned to the boy and said:

‘Only one choice is left. We alone must carry Cause, then no one can speak ill of us.' The boy told his grandfather: 'Cause may not accept being carried by us.' The old man disregarded the boy's warning. 'He is only a donkey. I can be cruel, too. If he objects, we'll whip him to silence.’ And they lifted Cause on their backs, although it was a difficult and clumsy way to go."

Haris had listened to Amir's version of the story quietly, thinking it a bit ridiculous. But unable to contain himself any longer, he now laughed openly. "How can two people carry a donkey?"

"It's really not that difficult," explained Amir. "His hindquarters would rest here." He placed his hands on Haris's shoulders.

"Then I would drape his front over my shoulders, grasping his forehoofs. Quite simple." He lit another cigarette and offered one to Haris, who waved it away as they proceeded toward Yusuf Bulvari. "Now let me finish."

"Please."

"After trudging along in this way, they managed to reach Shamer. Admittedly, when they arrived, carrying Cause on their backs, they looked very strange. When the villagers who relaxed in the many cafés around the market saw the donkey riding two people, they began to laugh, and their laughter increased until it was louder than this storm. The kindhearted old man became unhinged. 'What do you shirkers find so amusing!' he screamed. With raised fists, he kicked over a few café tables. All the while, the boy hid behind Cause, for shame. Then a fat man with the loudest laugh of all stepped forward. 'Why, you old fool! Whoever heard of something as absurd as carrying a donkey? A donkey is supposed to carry you!' At this, everyone's laughter rose even higher. They pointed and jeered at the old man, the boy, and even Cause.

"Now, the old man, if you hadn't realized it already, had a great deal of pride. Such ridicule was an unbearable disgrace. At this moment, he reached into his waistband. Ever since the boy's parents had been killed resisting the French years before, the old man had carried a revolver. He pulled it like a rabbit from a hat and waved it exultantly at the crowd, which immediately fell silent, and_-bang! bang! bang!-the old man shot Cause, shot the boy and, wiping the sweat from his face and straightening his disheveled shirt, shot himself."

[diivinidad]

Name: Izanami Bianchi Alias: Seraphim Affiliations: N/A Age: 37 Occupation: Hero (formerly) Height: 5'8" Weight: 146 lbs. Hair: Black, bangs framing the face and the rest either tied back or hanging loose Eyes: Red Mother: Unnnamed biological mother ( deceased ) Father: Unnamed biological father ( deceased ) Siblings: Ferro Bianchi ( half - brother; deceased ), Kayo Yaminari ( half - sister ) Significant Other(s): Takeshi Itou ( formerly ), others verse dependent Diagnosed Disorder(s): n/a Undiagnosed Disorder(s): Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Personality: Izanami is a kind and gentle soul, who prioritizes what is right and just, as well as the safety of her loved ones. However, she is not to be mistaken for someone who is spineless and weak, as she fights fiercely and shows no mercy to those who are cruel and ruthless beyond redemption. Anyone who threatens her and her family are met with only flame and sword, for she refuses to lose anyone else dear to her. Even if her health has begun to fail her due to her ability, she remains a fierce warrior in mind at the very least. However, up until her dying breath, her focus is on raising her daughter, now that Takeshi has left the pair alone to fend for themselves. Ability: Seraphim

Grants Izanami six flaming wings and a flaming sword, akin to a more humanoid seraph

Izanami is able to fly with these wings-- on pair on her ankles, and the other two upon her back.

She is immune to lesser / non - celestial flames, and resistant to her own. However, prolonged use of her ability leads to burns, of which the severity depends on how long she uses them. Over time, this has deteriorated her health greatly as the toll of such mighty power upon an already ill body begins to take hold.

Overview: Izanami was born an illegitimate child of a mafia boss's wife, and a man she hooked up with while she and her husband visited Japan on a business trip. For a time, she remained with her mother, but the scorn from her and her husband led Izanami to leave when finally she turned 18. Shinagawa Ward in Tokyo became her new home, where she also began to use her supernatural abilties to fight crime and keep the city safe. In the process, she met Takeshi Itou, a member of the local yakuza whom she often clashed with. However, the pair ended up falling in love throughout their encounters. Izanami thus suggested they leave their crime and crime - fighting lives behind and settle down together, but Takeshi was never interested in doing so. Then, upon learning that Izanami was pregnant with his child, he left her behind entirely, and she never heard from him again. Heartbroken and bitter, Izanami turned her focus to instead raising her child. At first, she did try to keep up with her crime - fighting ways, largely to try and find Takeshi again. However, she had no luck before realizing she was endangering not just herself, but also her child. So she retired and settled for a job as a florist, and soon had Kitiara. They lived a simple but happy life together for several years, until Izanami sadly succumbed to her failing health and passed away, leaving Kitiara to seek out her father for refuge instead.

[ajwinter-is-a-nerd]

Le Chat Et Le Serpent - Chapter 54

Please note that the entirety of this story is a ****TRIGGER WARNING***** - mentions of child abuse, graphic violence, alcohol use, mental health, suicide, suicidal ideation, self-harm - basically a constant blow of pain towards the characters - as well as some "steamier" moments.

This is an additional trigger warning - this chapter goes over Luka's past which includes self-harm, overdose, suicide attempts/ideation, and additional mental illness facets.

Chapter Summary:

Our boys are starting to fall apart.

The chapter song is Nightmares by All Time Low (included in body)

Digging up old memories

Always used to be the one to let it go

Got my fears in a suitcase

I locked them away

In a place they wouldn't find

They still haunt me

Nightmares by All Time Low

-

Siren’s reflected off Luka’s glasses as he watched the sparking of his lighter. It kept spitting thin lines of fire, refusing to flame against the tip of his cigarette. 

“Here,” Jagged cupped his hand around his lighter as he brought it to Luka’s smoke. 

Inhaling, Luka stared into the bright light that offered him solace.

The fire didn’t feel hot as it crackled before his eyes. He set his hand out, inches from it, the fire was erasing what had happened. Never again would he be strangled in his sleep from the memories of his blood stained sheets. 

Screams were distant in the background. 

What if he went into the fire? Would it take the rest of it away? 

They sounded like they were yelling his name, but he couldn’t tell for certain. 

Anarka’s screams surrounded Luka as she picked the boy off the ground. 

Even within her embrace, she still felt distant.

-

Luka rubbed his temple as he backed away from the flame, taking a deep inhale. 

“I’m sorry, Luka. I really am.” Jagged stared at his own smoke in his hand. He hated that the boy was following in his steps. He had such a light in him, and Jagged knew he helped to ruin it. 

“Whatever. Just don’t tell the Captain.” Luka bit his nicotine stained thumb, the irony not lost on him. 

-

“Dad?” Luka didn’t like this house. Everyone was falling and the music was too loud. “Jagged Stone?” 

He continued to push through the crowd. 

“Hey, Little Man!” A strange woman kneeled in front of Luka. “What are you doing here?” 

“My dad brought me.” Little Luka rubbed his arm as he stared down to his feet. The floor was sticky with liquor and ash. 

“Oh shit, you’re Jagged’s kid, aren’t you?” Her lilac lips grinned at him.

“Y-yeah. Have you seen him?” His baby blue eyes were watering.

“How old are you?” She scanned the party. A group was around a table sharing a bag of coke, at least three different women wore nothing but a thong, and the room was thick with smoke.

“Almost seven.” His voice croaked. 

“ALMOST SEVEN! Oh, you’re nearly a man! We need to find your dad, Little man.” She grabbed his hand. She’d known Jagged for a bit now, but she never thought he could do something like this. Why the fuck did he bring his kid here? “YO! ANYONE KNOW WHERE JAGGED IS?” 

The only thing the room could agree on was that no one knew. 

“Is your sister here, too?” The woman turned towards him, worried there could be another seven year old running around in this cesspool. 

“No, she’s sick.” Luka tightened his grip around her hand. 

“Thank god.” She mumbled as she scribbled along a piece of paper. “Let’s get out of here, Little Man. Are you hungry?” 

-

Luka’s face was covered in chocolate ice cream as he snored along the booth. But when morning came, she had to leave; she had her own emergencies to attend to. Gazing back towards the sleeping boy, she prayed that Jagged saw her note. The boy would be so heartbroken if he woke up all alone. 

His stomach hurt as he woke up, the unfamiliar girl was gone. He sat there with no idea what to do, so he waited. The waitstaff kept bringing him little activities and snacks, but he stayed nearly completely still. He stared out the window and watched people pass. 

“Luka, my boy!” The restaurant clamoured around the rock idol. 

Luka watched as he gave every guest more individual attention than he’d ever received from his father. Finally, Jagged made it to his table, gaining a temporary girlfriend. 

“Who’s the kid?” She asked as she bit at his neck.

“That’s my kid!” Jagged smiled in pride as Luka stared out the window. 

“What’s wrong with him?” She grimaced at the kid with dark hair and oversized cerulean eyes. 

His teeth clenched at his mention, but he watched as a woman in a peacoat walked past the diner. It was easier to do that than to acknowledge he was coherent to the fact that the fan girl was sliding under the table. 

Jagged was terrible at saying no. 

The whole ride home, Luka kept his head straight. He never wanted to say anything to his father again. 

“Listen, I know I messed up. How can I make it up to you?” 

The boy’s face didn’t even flinch. 

“Please, we can do anything! The sky’s the limit!” 

The silence grew thicker between them. 

“Why don’t I take you and Juleka for a week to LA? They have the best amusement parks and you guys can go to bed whenever you want!” 

“I don’t want you ever near me again.” Luka finally spoke. 

“Luka, I know I’m lame, but-,” 

Flame burst from the boy’s steeled eyes as he screamed. “NO. YOU CARE MORE ABOUT SEX AND DRUGS THAN MY LIFE. DON'T EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN!” 

“Wh-what about Juleka? What about your mom?” Jagged stuttered, the fear of completely losing his family palatable. 

Luka resumed his cold stare. 

“Please, Luka. Please don’t tell the Captain.” 

He never did. 

Jagged never reached out to him again.

Anarka started to realise something was seriously awry with Luka when he started asking who his Dad was. His father had never been a large presence in their life, but this was the first time she saw the broken look in his eyes. 

When she took him back home from the hospital after he set the fire around his eleventh birthday, she stood outside his door, listening to him play. It was a joyous and upbeat tune. He had an elated energy. Over his playing, she could hear Luka laughing. The psychiatrists said he’d been talking about strange dreams. 

“Can you believe I had a dream that our dad was Jagged Stone?” Luka’s laugh was sweet, but the reality that Anarka had tried to ignore was devastating. 

-

Jagged lowered his head at the comment. He was certainly no longer the boy he’d lost at a party. 

“Did they give you anything in there?” Jagged asked, not realising that his sentiment of concern wasn’t going to be taken that way. 

“What? Jagged Stone can’t get his own shit?” Luka snorted before taking another drag.

“That’s not what I meant! For your head, kid!” Jagged aggressively tapped at his own head. 

“Our ride’s here.” Luka pointed towards the blacked out vehicle driving towards them. 

“Listen,” Jagged stomped out his smoke before seizing the collar of Luka’s leather jacket, “I know I fucked up as a parent. Royally fucked up. And I had no fucking idea how bad you were struggling. I wasn’t there. But we were getting better. You were getting better. You had a better head on your shoulders than anyone your age when fucking Butterfly Demon guy brought you back to me. We were talking. If I set up the same therapy session we had back home, will you come? I hate seeing you like this. You might not believe it, but I love you Luka. We’ve come so far in the past seven years and it fucking kills me to see you killing yourself like this.” 

“Fucking Gabriel.” Luka shook his head as he opened the door to the car, still sliding over for Jagged. 

“You know, you might not remember it, but I did still try to be there! I,” Jagged reached into his back pocket to pull out his wallet, “I always kept every birthday photo from you two. I made sure you guys got into the good schools. I was on the phone with Anarka every time you tried to kill yourself, Luka. I didn’t know what to fucking do. The moment you asked me if I was your dad, my whole life changed. It meant I finally got to actually be here for your hard moments! I love you Luka. Please. Don’t follow my shitty lead.” 

Against what his angry heart wanted to do, Luka shifted his eyes towards the pictures. He’d forgotten how much Juleka loved her red hair. He tried to remember why she ever switched to purple, but the memory was just out of reach. 

-

Everything felt light. He knew he was dreaming. Juleka was crying as she was tying a dishcloth over his wrist. Didn’t she know it was only a dream? It was amazing, how the blood so elegantly spiralled down his finger.

He lifted his arm, watching the material around the knot seep scarlet. 

“Jules,” Luka smiled towards her, “it matches your hair.” 

Juleka’s face faded to white as Luka held it next to her head. 

“Luka, come on.” Juleka tried to tug at his unmarred arm while balancing bile and terror. 

“Don’t worry Juleka, I’ll wake up soon.

-

“What is your lead? I’m here because I fucking need to be. You didn’t have to leave us. You wrote about how awesome it is to be without your family. I write about how much I miss him.” Luka pulled another smoke out of his pack and pushed down the mini ashtray between him and Jagged. 

“Luka, you’ve always loved with your whole heart. You took after your mom in that way. I remember her calling me when that fucking older guy broke your heart. I wanted to break his goddamn legs.” Jagged lit Luka’s smoke once again. “Do I need to break Adrien’s legs?” 

The trouble, with no one knowing the whole story, is that Luka was merely a boy who had his heart broken, and was running around the world to forget him. It infuriated him. That people would tell him that ‘whoever broke his heart must be an idiot’. He would shrug it off. Jagged, however, was not just anyone. 

Adrenaline surged as Luka’s fist collided into Jagged’s face. “NO - I AM FUCKING DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO KEEP HIM ALIVE!” 

His fist barely hurt as he recoiled it, even though the flesh around his knuckles were raw. He’d left a sickeningly dark purple mark that already started to crawl up Jagged’s cheek. 

“Jesus! You have a hell of a right hook m’boy!” Jagged rubbed the point where his jaw and skull met, trying to make sure it was still intact. 

Jagged looked back towards Luka, seeing his own reflection both in the glasses and the seething boy behind them. “How is overdosing keeping him alive, Luka? Do you die and then he gets to live? Made a deal with the devil?” 

-

“What do you say?” He ran a pill across his lips. 

The man aptly called the pill ‘the brick’, both because of its ashy red shade and the way it nearly knocked you out. Luka hadn't quite listened to the explanation, he didn’t fully understand the strength of the drug that was running against the man’s lips. Besides prescriptions, Luka had always managed to steer clear of narcotics; he knew from his dad how much they could tear lives apart. But he didn’t hear the warnings, he couldn’t think of his dad, all he could think of was the fact that there was something that could take his pain away rubbing against thin pink lips in front of him. 

Luka ran his hands through the man’s thin bleached hair. His eyes were a forest green as they glimmered to Luka, waiting for his answer. Instead of vocalising it, Luka brought his lips to his. They were dry, but at least something sweet came from them. Relaxation. 

Falling onto the bed, Luka pulled him closer. “Adrien,” he whispered towards the man. 

“Oh, um,” Luka pressed his lips against the fake Adrien’s so that he wouldn’t have to hear him correct his namesake. 

Stretching back, it was still too clear. His eyes were too dark. Luka swung his hand off the side of the bed, reaching for the neck of his Jamesons bottle. “Give me another one.” 

“Luka, you need to be careful oh well, you’re just really going for it aren’t you?” Fake Adrien watched as Luka slid three more pills past his lips. Maybe if Fake Adrien had said it was ‘oxycodone’, or if Luka had asked, he would have been more cautious. 

Instead of words, Fake Adrien opened his mouth to ask for more. Luka passed back the ziplock bag housing the discontinued pills, waiting for the pain to stop. He’d taken entire bottles of pills and still came out the other side before… surely a few red pills could not do more. 

Nathalie had requested Sass’s presence on her current mission, leaving him completely alone. He thought that he’d be fine. But all he could think about was Adrien, about seeing him again. He’d done everything he was supposed to, so whenever he finally got his chance to go back, Adrien was going to hate him. What made it worse, is that Luka didn’t have a cure for him. He was going to see the rage and hurt in Adrien’s eyes, and then it will all be over. 

The lines of reality continued to blur, but it didn’t feel any stronger than anything Luka had experienced from his own neurodivergent rollercoaster. 

With an inebriated smile, Nearly Adrien passed back the baggie. Luka bent over the edge of the bed, seemingly putting his bottle down, while he grabbed another two pills. Just a couple more and maybe he could truly believe this was Adrien. 

His body started to warm as his face went numb. He looked over at the blonde boy. A surge of contentment pulsed through his body. 

“You okay, baby?” Fake Adrien ran his hands along Luka’s face. 

Tears trickled against Luka’s cheeks as he nodded, “Now that you’re here.” He kissed the man’s wrist before holding it back against his own face. “I missed you.” 

Luka pulled the man against his chest and ran his fingers through his hair. 

-

“I didn’t fucking mean to.” Luka just wanted to feel like Adrien was back. That everything was going to be okay. How did he end up being the damn Bella Swan out of the two of them? 

“Luka, don’t take fucking pills you know nothing about! And I thought this,” Jagged waved his smoke in the air, “was the vice you took over opioids, isn’t that what you said?” 

“I KNOW! I KNOW!” Luka took off his glasses as he pulled himself into a ball. “I just, I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t know why. I don’t understand. It just never stops.” 

“Hey,” Jagged took the smoke that was quivering from Luka’s hand and, along with his own, put it out. He soothed his hand on Luka’s back. “I’ve been there. Don’t let it ruin you like it ruined me. Please.” 

-

I gotta say it’s hard to be brave

When you’re alone in the dark

I told myself that I wouldn’t be scared

But I’m still having nightmares 

(I’m wide awake, I’m wide awake)

Nightmares by All Time Low

-

The buzzer of the intercom rang through the apartment. Adrien hated it. He hated that she forced him to reinstall it. He wanted that noise to stop. Every time the buzzer went off he was at the hospital. Every time the buzzer went off, Luka left him all over again. 

It can’t be her. Adrien thought. If it was her, I wouldn’t be able to control myself from letting her in. 

“Who do you think it is?” Plagg asked from his perch on Adrien’s shoulder. 

“I don’t know. But I want that noise to stop.” Adrien’s chest heaved as he stared at the intercom. “Plagg, what the fuck magic is this?” Adrien grit his teeth watching the Kwami out of the corner of his eye.

“Are - are you sure it’s not just a little bit of trauma from the hospital? Maybe seeing your parents rings triggered something?” Plagg hated lying like this to the boy, but he was worried what a fight against Marinette would look like with only him. It seems no matter what it would end in damnation, in the form of death or servitude. 

Infuriated, Adrien walked to the medicine cabinet and stuffed one of the small circular pills in his mouth. He may not believe that they were the proper medication for him, but at least they numbed the torture of constantly living under Marinette’s control. 

The buzzer kept going. Over and over. Adrien tore a mug from the cabinet and whipped it against the wall. 

Plagg turned to the intercom and pressed it himself. He couldn’t ask who was there, but he could let them in. 

When the elevator dinged, Adrien was clasping to the counter. If he didn’t have to let them in, would it work as a loophole? 

Alya came out of the elevator, slowly treading through the doors Plagg had propped open for her. She gasped at the state of the house before turning to Adrien. It appeared as if a tornado ran through it. If anything was breakable, it was littered over Adrien’s floor. However, the most horrific was the blood stains that had been left to crust along the walls.

“What’s up, Alya?” The friendly phrase was raspy. 

She slowly stepped forward, her hormones making the fight to not break down into tears considerably more challenging. She wanted to brush Adrien’s face, but the degree that his cheeks had sunken was too terrifying to touch. His face was a powder white with imperial purple bags under his eyes. 

Forcing herself to stay strong, she pushed out the words she’d been looking for. “I came… I came to ask you for help.” 

“What do you need?” His movements were languid as he rested his elbows on the counter to help support his weight. 

“I.. Um… I want to talk to Felix for the Ladyblog, but they’re only letting family see him. Will you come with me?” 

Before agreeing, Adrien stepped forward, testing to see if there was anything preventing him from this excursion. “Yeah, let’s go.” Adrien immediately started walking towards the door, scared that if Marinette found out before he went, he wouldn’t be able to go. 

“Right now? Oh, okay!” Alya scampered after him, trying her best to ignore the haunting state of his house. 

-

Adrien pressed his head against the window as he longingly watched as cars drove past. He wanted that back, that feeling of freedom he felt the first time when he got out of the hospital and drove his Mini. 

“Are you nervous?” Alya watched him out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t know what she was allowed to say.

“Something like that.” Adrien tousled his hair. He hated its current state. Marinette suggested that he get the same one from high school, and of course, he couldn’t resist. It was a far messier version, especially since the sides were still about half an inch shorter than the hair on the top. 

As Adrien fidgeted, Alya could see the various shades of pink along his palm. 

“What happened to your hand, Adrien?” Alya debated slowing down even more, just to make their trip a little longer. 

Adrien gripped his fist shut. Some scars were from his nails, some were from whatever thing he broke in his hand while he tried to resist whatever order Marinette gave him. 

“The speed’s 110, Alya.” Adrien ignored her question, getting irritated at how slowly she drove. He always drove fast. 

“Does Marinette live with you now?” Alya couldn’t imagine how bad it would be for him if she lived there all the time. 

“She comes over twice a week.” Adrien’s bit his lip in frustration that she came over at all. 

Sensing Adrien’s unease, Alya decided to divert topics. “So, do you think Lila ever actually watched Felix Akumatize someone?” 

His face was so ashen it somehow looked dirty as he laughed. “It is hard to believe! Felix had a rough patch for sure, but she was there ! I don’t know how she’s so much worse!” 

“I mean, you’d think since she can basically piss anyone off that she’d be the perfect replacement!” Alya snorted as they turned into the prison parking lot. 

“I think it’s because we need traits that match with our Kwamis to actually be strong. Being able to understand and influence emotions, besides solely anger, is something I don’t think Lila has.” Adrien theorised as they made their way to the entry.

-

Felix and Adrien had never perfectly mirrored each other so much in their life. They were both dishevelled and exhausted beyond comprehension. 

Felix’s eyes glimmered as he saw his guests, immediately bringing a bounce to his step.

“Ugh, this is gonna be rough.” Adrien dropped his forehead in his hands. “It’s never good when he has that look.” 

Felix dropped to the table in front of them as his grin grew. “You look gorgeous , Adrien. Bet you’re regretting not taking my deal now.” He tapped his fingers along the table between them. 

“That’s not what we’re here to talk about.” Adrien leaned back in his chair, unsettled by Felix’s joy. 

“It’s what she’s here to talk about.” Felix’s eyes turned to Alya and lowly whispered, “I won’t tell you shit about the rings unless he’s not at the table.” 

The hairs on the back of Alya’s neck prickled. She wasn’t sure what she had been anticipating, but it definitely wasn’t hearing those words. 

“Adrien,” Alya turned towards him, “can you give us a minute?” 

Scoffing, Adrien stood from the table. “It’s fine, I needed to go to the bathroom anyway.” 

“Pretty ballsy still letting him hold that Miraculous. Before you know it, we’ll have an entirely new super villain duo.” Felix raised an eyebrow to Alya, as if inviting her to play a game. 

-

“Kid, are you okay?” Plagg hovered by Adrien’s face as he clung onto the edges of the sink. 

“Do I look okay, Plagg? I must be fine, I’ve been taking my meds haven’t I? That’s the magical solution to all my made up , insane fucking problems.” Adrien seethed as his arms started to buckle under his rage. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m sure that we can work stuff out. You know, maybe you could ask Alya to take you back to the hospital?” Plagg thought at least he wouldn’t have to follow her orders there.

“One evil for another. Either way I’m being controlled, away from the people I love, a fucking living breathing ghost.” 

“I love you, Adrien.” Plagg smoothed some of the hair out of Adrien’s face; his attempts did not stay considering he was working against gravity.

“There will always be someone ready to destroy themselves. I’m sure you’ll find a new holder without a damn problem.” Adrien’s knuckles whitened as his anger flowed through his fingers onto the ceramic. 

“Not one like you.” Plagg nuzzled into the crook of Adrien’s neck. Snake Boy better come back soon. 

“Thanks, Plagg.” Adrien forced himself to say as tears fell to the sink. “Why- why doesn’t it ever stop?” 

Still clinging to the edge, Adrien squatted to the ground, heaving through sobs.

-

Adrien had barely sat down before the buzzer acknowledging the end of visitor time went off. 

Fucking god damn buzzers. Go to hell.

“Sorry we didn’t get a chance to chat, cousin . I really do wish you the best.” Felix clicked his tongue as he was lifted from his seat. As one final piece of discomfort, Felix winked towards Alya as he said, “Give me a call if you ever get tired of your Turtle.” 

Alya’s blood chilled, Adrien’s brother had done his homework. She had a feeling, this wouldn’t be the last they saw of Felix, especially with the Miraculous still missing. 

“What did you two talk about?” Adrien dragged his feet as they walked towards the exit, not wanting to go back ‘home’.

“Oh, pretty much just said everything we already thought. He went on about how you guys would have been an amazing power wielding duo.” A truth hidden within a lie. Both her and Felix agreed until Alya was told otherwise, it was best to follow Bunnyx’s ruling. Until Luka came back, they wouldn’t risk trying to get Adrien to sneak off his own ring; if he erred in any way it could quickly lead to his death. 

Author's Notes:

This chapter literally meant so much to me. Out of all the chapter's this is the one that speaks the most from the heart. I have written Luka as experiencing BPD the way that I experience BPD. It may be important to note that there are some crossovers within myself (such as possible schizotypal). No one's experience with any mental illness will be the same. Through Luka, though, I get to show how this stuff feels and looks to me.

-

If we were to pull out the DSM-5 and determine why Luka has BPD...

Borderline personality is often associated with abandonment at a young age. There are a lot of other factors and disorders that derive from childhood trauma, but BPD is often associated with abandonment.

It is something that will never be fully “cured” but you can continue to treat it to make it manageable. Ex. Sass is the “stress case”, but the calmest, because he had to learn it.

BPD can include blurring of reality and disassociation/depersonalization; impulsive and risky behaviour; lack of self regard; depersonalization; the need to be loved while siamotainously, neverendingly, working to fuck up your life.

The opioids were an important one to mention because it’s not that Luka suddenly decides, “heroin sounds like a great idea.” It’s the not fully considering or understanding the weight of your actions. Myself, and other people close to me, have dealt with similar situations of impulse control. When you come out of that current swing you’re looking at yourself like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

This kind of works as an awareness to others and to the actions of characters. We are always responsible for the havoc we cause, but understanding why is important.

Also - trauma blocking is pretty common for all humans (to my understanding). I don’t think it would be quite the level of forgetting your dad was related to you, but it is a defence mechanism your brain will pop up to help you get through shit.

I did a lot of research to make sure I found a red pill. Just happened to be ‘lucky’ that it was oxycodone. Luka did take a lethal amount, and the pills were (according to the website I was on, anyway) discontinued. It is important to also understand that, in regards to opioids, Luka is showing abuse instead of addiction. The addiction is taking form in alcohol.

-

And Adrien continues to fall further. His weight? When Adrien gets overly stressed he has problems eating. Since he’s freaking the eff out, he’s really not doing well in every form of health.

- We also see the dramatic irony from the last chapter come into play, we know that the ring came off Gabriel’s finger … buuuuut…. ‘Twas Felix grabbing his own ring.

-

What did you guys think? Luka’s was a newer addition, but the prison visit has been there since the initial storyboard. Im interested to hear what this walk down “everybody is fucking falling apart” lane has been life for everyone!

-

Oh - random little point. Fake Adrien gives Luka a pill in his mouth. Luka refuses to give a pill directly to him, but will only pass the bag. Just a little, very deliberate, tid bit there.

-

Another fun little piece- I did want to find a red pill for Luka, because the pills Adrien takes different red pills Adrien takes are also red. Very different , but both red.

Hope everyone is doing well! Thank you for reading!!!

[zombies-aliens]

Sooo my crush transferred stores and I'm lowkey heartbroken. Ima be okay tho. I feel slightly depressed about it. Or bummed out about it I dont want to be dramatic. I'm really gonna miss her man. I just feel like something was there. A spark of some kind. I told her what was on my mind and she said I'm ok and things are fine.

... 🤷‍♂️

I wrote in her goodbye card at work. I said something like thanks for always being friendly and hope everything works out in your favor! and signed my name. Really thankful for my coworker for coming up to me and asking if I wanted to sign it.

I know im probably really sad bc it's still fresh. But don't get me wrong I'm not super depressed but man I get nostalgic thinking about everything in the past that involved her from beginning to end. The first time she said hi to me, the first time we introduced ourselves to each other, our first talk I had with her before I left work that one time, this makes me sad bruh lmaoooo and... our last talk 😔 she said we'll keep in touch since we have each other on snapchat. I hope we really do. We might not even talk much but I'd be happy if we talk AT ALL.

I'm holding tight to every memory I have with her. Big and small. I remember eating with her for the first time like she actually got dumplings for us to share together and IT WAS GOOD AS HELL. I felt the love tbh but maybe she was being a good friend. I'll miss seeing how cute and pretty she is. I'll miss it all man. I'm down bad bro I haven't even known her for a year smh lmao. But I had feelings for her.. instantly dude.

The worst part is that I'll probably never see her in person again. Unless by some coincidence. I'm reallyyyyy gonna miss seeing her in person. Her smile, her eyes. She was really cute man. And when she had makeup and did her hair she was stunning 😍!!!

I'm really.. gonna fucking miss her. But I know I will get over her and life goes on. But right now I'm really gonna be bummed out no seeing her name pop up in the roster on my work app. And not seeing her anymore at work. Man just saying these sentences got me feeling sad wanting to cry. I feel like crying but it's not strong enough to come out lol. Idk am I being a baby about this guys? I feel like I am lol

I'm not gonna move on to the next girl like that. I still like her and if she ever reaches out ill respond. I don't expect anything for some months since she lives her own life and I'll just have to respect that.. man ima miss her lol. Just wanna be over it already lol.

U know what I think I miss? I miss having a girlfriend. I miss having a reliable person in my life where I can have a good time with. Feeling loved. Just feeling GOOD in general. I want that again. I broke up with an online gf a while back in the beginning of this year, to see if there's a chance with this girl (obviously didn't work out lol but never say never right?..) and there's plenty of says when I wanted to just get back with her and things to go back to normal. I miss being called baby, I miss being called my love, I miss feeling cared for, and giving it back to my long distance relationship. But she was trans dude.. she has a penis. I'm not down with that. Im just not. I could just not have sex with her but I don't think u understand I don't want my girl to have a penis whether even if ill never interact with it. (I'm talking like I'm talking w someone irl in a way lmao just the way I write tho yall it's fun)

Umm but yeah :// I wonder how she felt about me. I wonder if she wondered anything about me?

I think I made an interesting insight tho. Do I just want to feel loved and cared for and feel happy? I mean I can't blame myself I think anyone would want that as well as other things too. But those are some of the main ones.

It's still crazy to me. I'm about to go to work and ima go in her department to get water and she just... won't be there. She wont be there tomorrow or next time i go to work ever anymore. Fuck man this shit makes me wanna cry. I'm acting like she died bruh 😂😂😂 why tf am I THIS sad, goodness 😭😔

Everything makes me nostalgic about her now man. 😢 ima just go to work and look ill be fine I'm not gonna bust into tears. But I'll be thinking of her when I have a moment of silence in the restroom or anywhere I get a quiet moment to myself.. she will never read this but I think I was falling for that girl.

[kiissme]

@aconites​​, — roselyn

𝘽𝙀𝙁𝙊𝙍𝙀 𝙉𝘼𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙉, 𝙍𝙊𝙎𝙀𝙇𝙔𝙉 never believed in true love. with her mother dying from an illness when she was just a child and her heartbroken father taking his life shortly after, love never felt like something she could truly grasp. after the death of her parents, the blonde had been placed under the care of her uncle and from a young age, the older man had told her that she should start preparing to be a dutiful, poised wife for when she was an adult. as she was an heiress, her father had given strict orders in his will that for her to collect her dowry, she was to wed when she turned twenty-one to someone with a high title. at first, the femme played her part, not believing that the love she read in novels was real anyway; that life was nothing but a role she was supposed to follow, to wed a man who was deemed fit and to bare his children and perhaps if she hadn’t met nathan, she would have been content with that life. that all changed when they crossed paths. she was enchanted by him from the moment they first spoke and with time she fell completely, madly in love with him. she dreamt of a life that they would run away together and be happy. truly, blissfully happy. unfortunately that all came crashing down when her uncle announced she would wed his brother charlie instead. she didn’t even have time to process or respond to the news, quickly being directed to get ready for tonight’s event and before she had the chance to tell the man she adored what was happening, the news was broadcast by her insufferable uncle. luckily their families were too busy celebrating to notice rose pulling nathan into an unoccupied room upstairs shortly after. ❝ is that really what you think of me? that this was an act? that i don’t love you? ❞ sadness was written all over her face and she was trying her hardest to stop the tears from forming. she hated that he thought so lowly of himself, that he didn’t see what she saw when she looked at him. ❝ i don’t want to marry him!  i want to be with you.❞

          He didn’t want to believe it. Nathan’s happiest moments that came to mind was solely with Rose. His Rose. Living his life here had been...strained, to say the least. Wishing his mother had taken a stand and kept him to her, not disillusioned that she couldn’t provide him a richer life, but that his father and his family could. But they did not often give him love or affection. He did not know the true meaning of it, of what he perceived as unconditional love...until Roselyn came into his life. And oh, she was beautiful. Not only toward her outwardly appearance, though God in heaven, did she have such beauty, but inwardly as well. There was such a warmth to her that Nathan craved to be around her, as if she were the sun and he in a perpetual state of winter and cold, desperately seeking her warmth. How could he so firmly believe that she wanted him? Him? When it was clear, at least in his eyes, she would always be destined for his brother? Ironically the only member of his father’s family that showed him any type of familial love throughout the years, that had been kind to him to the point where even now, he could not hate him, outright. Deep brown doe eyes looked to her, breath hitched as his heart twinged with the pain of...heartbreak. “...Rose... For you to love me.... That... That is something that is beyond my standing... Beyond my wishes... A dream, the sweetest dream possible. I can scarcely believe my luck whenever those sweet words pass your even sweeter lips, I...” He paused, throat tightened as his words strained, and whens he said the words, those words, he let out a soft, shaky breath and closed his eyes. She didn’t want to marry Charlie, she wanted to be with h i m. Oh, the elation that filled his chest as he opened them again, yet the sadness in his eyes remained as his hands cupped her face, a small little smile on his lips. “I’m sorry, my love. I’m sorry to have doubted this between us, but with how the world is, I could not help but feel it as soon as the engagement was announced. I’m sorry for letting the dark thoughts enter and take over my mind, to think what we feel wasn’t real but a farce. You are too good for me, to think such a woman would want me to claim her, love her, and I sincerely and utterly do.” She was still engaged to his brother, though his words had comforted that it was not of her choice. He kissed her, lips flush against hers and eyes closed o surrender toward it. The soft feeling of her against his, swarming in his head, the taste of her... “Oh, God, I love you,” he whispered against her lips, in between feverish kisses. “I love you, I love you.”

[kahin]

[Transcript: A conversation between The Maid and The White-Haired Girl from the House in Fata Morgana, which reads as follows:

The Maid: Oh, is that so? You are very kindhearted. Speaking of white roses, the rose he meant to give you was the same shade of white.

The White-Haired Girl: Oh? "He?"

The Maid: But when you touched it, it turned a deep shade of red. There was but a single white rose in the garden, so he was unable to give it to you as he had wished. In its place, he had a decorative rose fashioned for you.

The White-Haired Girl: U-Um, what exactly are you referring to?

The Maid: Oh dear. Do you not remember? Then am I to assume you have forgotten what happened to the rose accessory as well? He was unable to give that to you either. But that time, because you rejected the gift. I am not criticizing you for that decision, of course. You had a perfectly good reason for not accepting it.

Heartbroken from having lost you, he buried the rose in this garden. Over the years, the roses in the garden withered away, and in their place grew a thick, unsightly nest of weeds. Many, many years later, that accessory was dug up by a beast. And curiously enough, it had not a speck of rust on it.

The White-Haired Girl: …A beast?

The Maid: You do not remember him either? The foreign man who, through his interaction with you, almost regained his humanity…

The White-Haired Girl: I— I'm sorry. I have n-no idea what you speak of… The only gift I have ever received from a man is my phenakis wheel. And furthermore, I have only lived in this mansion for a year. While the garden was not as thriving as it is now, it was certainly not in ruins when I arrived.

The Maid: Because I had been taking care of it, yes. But, for whatever reason, by my hands alone I was unable to make it into anything quite as splendid as it is now. Once you arrive and began to work on it, however… just look around. You have restored it to its former glory — to the magnificence of the flaxen-haired family's time.

The White-Haired Girl: ………

The Maid: I promise I am not trying to fault you for anything. Now that I think about it, it makes sense you would not remember. Though you are still you, you are different from before. Different… though not in the sense you are a wholly distinct person. Tell me… is your name xxxxxxxx again?

The White-Haired Girl: ….My name is xxxxxxxx, yes, but you should already know that……. Again?

The Maid: More proof that you are, indeed, you. Did you know your current name is pronounced the same as the name of the person you are waiting for?

The White-Haired Girl: …What are you talking about?

The Maid: I have met you many times, and I know of your past— of events that transpired long, long ago.

The White-Haired Girl: U-um, I— I… I'm telling you the truth. I first came to this mansion just a year ago. Until then, I had never left my country, or even set foot out of my own house. We did not have any servants, either… So where, then, are you saying we met…?

The Maid: This mansion, of course.

The White-Haired Girl: But I… I'm telling the truth. It was a year ago... shortly after my parents fell ill and received an offer for my marriage… I knew something had to be done… I knew it, and so I… so I… I'm… telling the truth…

The Maid: If that is what you remember, then I do not doubt you. The White-Haired Girl: ………

The Maid: You needn't fret. One day, eventually, you shall remember all. One day…]

[laedback-taurus]

Words

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Fem!Reader Word Count: 2k A/n: Thank you so much for over 500 followers! I honestly can’t believe it, thank you again! This is roughly proofread as I’m incredibly tired and most likely missed some things,

When Tommy gets blamed for the death of a young man, it hits him hard and all he needs is the comfort of his wife and children.

Words never really effected Tommy Shelby, he’d had some interesting words spoken at and about him over the years, but he was never really phased by the names people would whisper behind his back. He never thought that they would have an effect on him at all, until they were spat in his face after a horrible week.

“What have you done?!” the shriek of a heartbroken mother rang through Tommy’s office.

“What have you done to my baby?” She whispered this time, her voice giving in to the despair in her heart.

Tommy knew it was his fault, he sent the boy, her son to his death. He didn’t mean to, but he should have known, he should have seen the danger.--Tommy hired a young man, about Finn’s age after he begged Tommy for work, he stated that he’d tried everywhere but no one would take him. Tommy initially declined but the boy persisted, He started rambling about how his father had died in the war and how his sister is gravely ill, and his mother need to look after her, so she couldn’t work, which left him. Tommy couldn’t help but feel a bit sympathetic for the boy so he offered him a small job as a runner, someone who could inconspicuously deliver important messages that Tommy couldn’t trust the mail with or that he just needed passed on quickly. The young man worked for Tommy for a few months before Tommy sent him off on another job, it was meant to be a quick and easy one, but Tommy was so very wrong. The news came back to him quickly that the young messenger had been intercepted and killed for the information Tommy was passing on. They strung the poor boy up as a warning, a warning for what, well Tommy didn’t know yet. Tommy had told his brothers to pass on the dreaded news to his family and that is how Tommy found himself feeling helpless as a devastated mother screamed at him for answers, answers she deserved.

“I should have been more carefu- “He started but was cut off.

“I told him not to work for you, told him we’d figure something else out, but he refused, said you’d take good care of us, what a load of shit that was” She continued to cry as she spoke, glaring at Tommy, he couldn’t meet her eyes.

“I’m sorr- “he was cut off again.

“Do you have children Mr Shelby?” She asked suddenly.

“I do” he said, finally meeting her eyes, catching the anger and sorrow filling them. He immediately thought of his children, safely at home with you. Home, somewhere that boy would never go again.

“Would you put them in position you put my boy in? Would you send them off to do your dirty work? Would you do to your wife what you’ve done to me? Take her baby away?” She asked, firmly holding eye contact with him, she was a mother full of fury and right now, she wasn’t scared of him. He couldn’t bare to think of losing his children let alone your reaction. Your children meant the world to you, you loved them more than you ever thought you could love something, this also made you extremely protective of them, you wouldn’t hesitate to kill anyone that hurt them, including Tommy.

“No, I wouldn’t” He answered honestly.

“Then why did you do it to my boy? To my family? To me?” She asked, her shoulders slumping in defeat. Tommy couldn’t find an answer and she noticed this, only making her angrier.

“You can’t even pity me with an answer” She laughed, disgusted.

“You’re a monster” She spat before storming out of his office, slamming the door behind her.

Those were the words, the words that finally got to Tommy Shelby.

You had enjoyed a lovely day with your children, 6-year-old Charlie and 3-year-old Anna. The three of you had spent some time in the garden, you sat under a tree reading while Charlie and Anna ran around playing. Then you spent some time in the stables, Charlie loved Tommy’s horses and just had to go out and see them daily. Anna also liked them but mainly because she liked to play with their manes.

It was now late afternoon and the three of you had set up in the sitting room, the children were playing nicely together while you looked over the guest list for an upcoming event Tommy was planning. The house was lovely and quiet until the front door burst open, welcoming your husband.

“We’re in the sitting room Tommy” You called out, knowing he’d been looking for the three of you. Not long after, he appeared in the doorway, your children instantly lit up at the sight of him.

“You’re home early!” Charlie exclaimed as he ran over to his father, crashing into him and nearly knocking Tommy over.

“That I am” Tommy replied with a smile that you noticed, didn’t quite reach his eyes. Upon noticing this, you placed the guest list aside and watched him as he interacted with your children.

“Daddy!” It was now Anna’s turn to call out to her father.

“There’s my precious girl” He smiled as he approached her and scooped her up, making her giggle with delight.

“I missed you” she said before pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek, then patting his other cheek with her small hand, something she had always liked to do.

“I missed you too my darling, I just couldn’t stay away any longer” He exaggerated before placing her back down, the two children quickly went back to playing with Tommy’s attention turned to you.

“Hello love” he greeted, leaning down to give you a quick kiss.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, with your brow slightly frowned in worry. Of course you would know something was wrong, Tommy was silly to think he could hide this from you.

“It’s uh- “He cut himself off and you noticed his eyes glaze over just slightly. Without hesitation you called for Frances to watch the children before getting up and leading Tommy upstairs to your bedroom. You shut the door and Tommy sat on the edge of the bed, removing his jacket and tossing it aside.

“Talk to me love” You whispered when you reached him, running your fingers through his hair. His hands found their place on your hips, he began to run his fingertips over the seams of your dress.

“I got a boy killed” He admitted, he kept his gaze down, not wanting to look at you.

“What happened?” You asked, you desperately wanted him to look at you, but you wouldn’t pressure him.

“I fucked up is what happened, I wasn’t careful enough and I sent a boy to his death” You felt his hands begin to shake to your sides.

“That’s not your fault Tommy” You assured him, he didn’t know the boy would be hurt and you didn’t know the anger your words filled Tommy with.

“It is my fault!” He looked up at you now and the look on his face made you want to cry. He looked completely defeated.

“I sent him, I thought that he would be fine- fuck!” He pulled his hands off your hips, too disgusted with himself to feel worthy enough to touch you. You went to speak but he kept going.

“He had a sick sister” Your heart dropped “He wanted a job so they he could help her, help his family and I gave him one that took him from them, I took that girls brother away and his mother…” He trailed off, bring his hands to his face and burring it in them for moment before then dragging his hands down his face. He couldn’t get the look in that mothers eyes out of his head.

“I’m a monster” He slumped, his shoulders falling and his hands falling into his lap.

“Oh Tommy” Your heart broke at the sight of your husband, you pulled him into you and as soon as you did, he buried his face in your chest and reach up, his hands gripping the fabric of your dress at your hips.

“You thought you were doing the right thing by helping him, how were you to know it would lead to this? You couldn’t, he knew it was a dangerous job, he went to you himself, but he was desperate to help his family and you gave him the chance when no one else would and I’m sure he was grateful” You tried to flush out the words you knew would be running through that mind of his, you knew that he had been called much worse but today, this just got to him.

“His mother came into my office” He pulled his head from your chest and looked up at you “She asked if I’d do what I did to her child to my own? She asked if I would you put you through what she is going through and the thought alone broke me so how can I even comprehend what she’s feeling” You knew that the thought of your children getting hurt because of him was something Tommy couldn’t bear, he adored his children.

“She is heartbroken and devastated love, she needed to take it out on you, she needed that. Our children are well loved and safe, you don’t need to worry” you were trying to find the right words to say.

“They’re in danger just because they’re mine, because of me they will always be a target” He whispered.

“A monster shouldn’t be a father” You couldn’t bare it anymore, that comment and the pain in his voice broke you, tears spilled down your cheeks as you cupped his.

“Don’t say that” You whispered “Don’t you ever say that Thomas, your children think the world of you, they ask me all day when you’ll be home, they wait by the door every evening to greet you when you come home, just to see you before they go to bed, Charlie always talks about how he wants to ride horses just like his father and I know that because of your love, Anna will never settle for anything less than what her father has shown her. I am forever grateful to you for making me a mother and a mother of such beautiful children, and they are beautiful because they are ours, they are as much of you as they are of me. So please don’t ever say you shouldn’t be a father because those children out there wouldn’t change you for the world” You both waited in silence for a moment, tears were silently falling down your cheeks and you saw similar tears forming in Tommy’s eyes.

“I’m sorry Y/n” He didn’t know what he was apologising for in particular, maybe everything.

“It’s alright love” You held him for a moment before speaking again “Maybe you could offer to help out his family? I know money doesn’t fix everything but if you could help save her daughter, maybe that would help” You suggested softly, and he nodded slowly.

“I’ll arrange it tomorrow, see if I can pay for funeral arrangements as well” You could tell by the tone of his voice that he was think straight again, he was looking forward.

“that’s a good idea” you leant down and caught his lips in a sweet kiss.

It was in this moment that Tommy realised that the only words that will ever matter were yours, you would always drown out the whispers of others, the names and the blame. The only words he cared about where that of his wife, the mother of his children.