#ill get into details on the commentary post (i guess)

[enniewritesathing]

⚠️

I'm giving yall a heads up about the next scene, "asunder".

it is 3 posts long. it also has major content warnings-- they're listed at the top of the post itself like last time but I will tell you what they are now:

gore

blood

death

guns (only in the 2nd post. maybe the 3rd but err on side if caution)

so if that's not your thing, wait a week since I post every other day. if it is, I await your reaction 👀 🍿

[szappan]

im also increasingly sure that im autistic but we'll never ever confirm that </3

[fangirleaconmigo]

It's been awhile, Geralt x Jaskier enthusiasts, but here is your newest installment of...

Otherwise known as...

Things that sound like Geraskier fic writers made them up, but that are, in fact, book canon.

This time with commentary on the original Polish wording from @cherrypoison1889! Thanks, Cherry!

Today we're talking about dopplers, otherwise known as shape shifters, also called vexlings in the world of The Witcher. Dopplers are often used to expose the fact that Dandelion is a vulnerability for Geralt, that he loves him.

There are quite a few Geraskier fics that play with this trope. (I will give you a rec or two at the end of the post.)

It makes sense! Plus, the show used a doppler, (more on that later) so the concept is right there!

But does the concept of using a doppler to reveal Geralt's true feelings for Jaskier just exist in the fevered imagination of Geraskier fic writers?? Is this pure fanon? Or canon?

Well, you may have guessed (since I didn't write all this out for my health!)...

It is canon.

In The Witcher book, Sword of Destiny, we meet a doppler called Dudu, who turns into Dandelion (Jaskier) to protect himself from Geralt. He even has a few choice words to say about what he sees in Geralt's thoughts.

Want the details? Of course you do, you've read this far, why not?

When Geralt meets Dudu in this story, the doppler is in the form of a halfling called Dainty Biberveldt. Dudu has bonked Dainty on the head, stolen his shit, taken his form, and is running around Novigrad making business deals with his ill gotten gains.

Dainty wants his shit back from the doppler, but does not want to turn Dudu over to the city guards because Dainty is a decent person who knows that they will murder the doppler in an absolutely horrific way that I will not describe to you. Novigrad is rife with violent bigotry towards non humans, and dopplers in particular have been slaughtered to near extinction. They've been subject to genocide, basically, just because they creep people out. (I could write a thesis just on the way this short story handles themes of racism)

But anywho. That's how we get Geralt's involvement. Geralt is pitching in to get Dudu under control so they don't have to involve bigoted law enforcement. (We stan Dainty ACAB Biberveldt in this house)

This particular scene opens when Geralt has pursued the doppler into a crowded marketplace and has finally cornered him in a tent. Dandelion is elsewhere in the market, being a slut, so he is nowhere to be seen. When Geralt corners Dudu, they are alone, and the doppler panics. He can't get away. So, he decides to be crafty.

First, he turns into Geralt as a way to protect himself. The book describes Dudu changing into Geralt, down to the last detail. Now there are two identical witchers in the tent. Then Dudu speaks.

"Don't come any closer," the second witcher said huskily and smiled. "Don't come any nearer, Geralt. I won't let you lay your hands on me."

So now he looks just like Geralt and has his husky voice. Perhaps he is hoping Geralt will not be able to harm someone who looks like himself. Perhaps he just wants to be equal to him physically.

Either way, Geralt's self esteem is too low for the first one to work. Here is how Geralt responds to an exact copy of himself.

"What a hideous smile I have," thought Geralt, reaching for his sword. "What a hideous face I have. And how hideously I squint? So is that what I look like? Damn."

So, Geralt reaches for his sword immediately, and the only reaction he has for himself is disgust.

Here is where I asked Cherry for her thoughts. Is Geralt as mean to himself in the original Polish? Hideous is pretty strong a word! Here is what she said:

Cherrypoison1889: Geralt is indeed very harsh on himself, when he sees the doppler transform into him. In Polish, he uses the word "paskudne" to describe himself, which is literally hideous. However, he also calls his face "gęba" which is a more vulgar word for face, which in Polish is "Twarz". So he's even harsher on himself, I'd say.

Oh noooo. But just when you think Geralt's low self esteem is going to be a strategic advantage, it betrays him. Why? Because when Dudu says, you can't defeat me, because I am you and I know everything you know...

"I am you," the doppler repeated. "you will not gain an advantage over me. You cannot defeat me, because I am you!"

That is where Geralt starts to lose ground. Why? Because Geralt of Rivia says, no, you can't really copy me! Because you are a good person, and I'm a bad bad bad man. I kill people. I'm a killer. You cannot relate. You cannot even begin to understand the mind of a bad evil killer man like me.

"No," the witcher countered, "you are not. And do you know why? Because you're a poor, little, good-natured doppler. A doppler who, after all, could have killed Biberveldt and buried his body in the undergrowth, by so doing gaining total safety and utter certainty that he would not be unmasked, ever, by anybody....But you didn't kill him...Because you're a poor, little, good-natured doppler, whose close friends call him Dudu...you only know how to copy what is good in us, because you don't understand the bad in us."

Geralt isn't saying this to be strategic. He truly believes it! He knows Dudu has seen his thoughts! Listen to what he says next...

"you aren't capable of defying me, because I am what you are unable of copying (sic). You are absolutely aware of this, Dudu. Because you took over my thoughts for a moment."

So, Geralt is like, you saw what a mess it was in there. You know what a killer I am. You may as well give up now.

I thought 'took over my thoughts' was a little bit of an awkward phrasing, it almost implies thought control, when I feel like the context is thought reading, so I asked Cherry about that. She said:

Cherrypoison1889: As for the "taking thoughts over" bit, it is the same in Polish, I am afraid. the word Sapko uses is "przejąć" which means exactly that, although I assume that the "take over" in English was meant to be understood as "acquiring" although I can't be sure of that. It sure does sound a touch awkward.

But back to the story, Tellico (Dudu) has now been inside Geralt's head. So he knows that's absolute bullshit, even if Geralt doesn't. He has seen what is in Geralt's heart, which prompts him to take another shape.

Tellico straightened up abruptly. His face's features, still those of the Witcher, blurred and spread out, and his white hair curled and began to darken.

"You're right, Geralt," he said indistinctly, because his lips had begun to change shape. "I took over your thoughts. Only briefly, but it was sufficient. Do you know what I'm going to do now?"

Do you? Do you dear reader, know what he's going to do now? I'm going to let you make a guess.

The leather witcher jacket took on a glossy, cornflower blue colour. The doppler smiled, straightened his plum bonnet with its egret's feather, and tightened the strap of the lute slung over his shoulder, the lute which had been a sword a moment ago.

Well, if you've read the books up to this point, we all know who's form he has taken. Cornflower blue, egret's feather, lute....smart doppler.

"I'll tell you what I"m going to do, Witcher," he said, with the rippling laughter characteristic of Dandelion. "I'll go on my way, squeeze my way into the crowd and change quietly into any old body, even a beggar. Because I prefer being a beggar in Novigrad to being a doppler in the wilds."

He then has a powerful monologue about being subject to extermination and genocide. About hunger and fear and freezing to death. He makes a very touching plea to Geralt, asking the Witcher why he is denied the right of survival, granted to everyone else, just because he is a doppler. It is about a page and half long and I HIGHLY recommend people read Sword of Destiny, because this is good shit. He says he will stay in Novigrad.

"As a resident of Novigrad, I'll trade, weave wicker baskets, beg or steal; as one of you I'll do what one of you usually does...."

The Witcher said nothing.

Now, Dudu, in Dandelion's shape, having seen Geralt's thoughts, takes his gamble. And boy does he have guts. He tells Geralt about himself, about his supposed bad bad heart.

"Yes, as I said," Tellico continued calmly. "I'm going. And you, Geralt, will not even try to stop me. Because I, Geralt, knew your thoughts for a moment. Including the ones you don't want to admit to, the ones you even hide from yourself. Because to stop me you'd have to kill me. And the thought of killing me in cold blood fills you with disgust doesn't it?

The Witcher said nothing.

Tellico adjusted the strap of his lute again, turned away and walked towards the exit. He walked confidently, but Geralt saw him hunch his neck and shoulders in expectation of the whistle of a sword blade. He put his sword in his scabbard. The doppler stopped in mid-step and looked around.

"Farewell", Geralt, he said. "Thank you."

"Farewell, Dudu," the Witcher replied. "Good luck."

Dudu wins that one, quite handily.

The doppler turned away and headed towards the crowded bazaar, with Dandelion's sprightly, cheerful, swinging gait. Like Dandelion, he swung his left arm vigorously, and just like Dandelion he grinned at the wenches as he passed them.

As he walks away, Dudu even plays the lute and sings "exactly like Dandelion". Then he shouts back advice for Geralt to pass on to the bard.

"Pass that on to Dandelion, if you remember," he called. "And tell him that Winter is a lousy title. The ballad should be called The Eternal Fire. Farewell, Witcher."

Dudu has seen Geralt's thoughts EVEN THE ONES HE WILL NOT ADMIT TO EVEN THE ONES HE HIDES FROM HIMSELF, and his next choice was to turn into Dandelion.

Now, do I think that the author meant to imply that Geralt is trying to hide his love of Dandelion? No. Slim chance of that. However, it isn't like it's a secret that Geralt hates killing creatures who do no harm or who cannot fight back. So there is still something a bit fuzzy to me about the thoughts that Geralt hides from himself.

It is ripe territory for a Geralt x Dandelion enjoyer to exploit, cultivate, and use for their fics and headcanons.

I asked Cherry for her thoughts about this, about what Geralt's hidden thoughts are having read the original Polish, and she said this:

Cherrypoison1889:

I feel like Dudu used Geralt's self-loathing against him, in a way. As in, if Geralt were to kill Dudu-as-Dandy, he would admit to himself that he is a ruthless, horrible person, who kills "intelligent" beings, despite what he claims, which would also make him a hypocrite. And we know Geralt is a big softie, so he wouldn't do it anyway. I think changing into Dandy was an additional precaution, just an extra measure in case Dudu turned out to be wrong.

I really liked this story, I don't remember reading it back when I read the books (it was ages ago, so I might be wrong anyway). It's really funny, and Geralt is babbie. Darling boy, he just bought himself a new jacket and it got ruined in the frenzy...

Babbie Geralt, that's our darling.

It is sad that Geralt has so much self loathing that it didn't help Dudu to look like him, but it is very sweet that Dandelion is such a point of vulnerability for Geralt, and that Dudu had his number.

Dudu wins this round soundly. The story isn't over. I won't spoil it in case you guys want to read it. But it has a great ending. It is definitely one of my favorites.

I will just never get over how easily he gets the upper hand on Geralt here. Geralt of Rivia, legendary monster hunter, defeated by little Dudu because of his low self worth, his mushy heart, his solidarity with non humans, and his love of a slutty bard.

Now, recommendations.

The Doppler Effect, by @a-kind-of-merry-war This is the first doppler fic I read in the fandom and it has alll the delicious emotional drama, pining, and sexiness that you want from a fic like this. It is excellent.

Images of You, by @pherryt This one is a delightful 'continuation' of what happens in Sword of Destiny. After Dudu learns about Geralt's feelings, he essentially matchmakes Geralt and Dandelion eventually receiving a sexy thank-you of his own.

Them, by @gilligangoodfellow I feel like dopplers and Dudu in particular is so ripe for exploration in fic. So it is wonderful to see a fic like this. It's a short character study of Dudu as gender fluid, with the doppler coming out to Zoltan. Seriously, try it.

Alright, thanks for reading, folks!

For more Geralt and Dandelion "I can't believe it's not fanon..."stay tuned. I am organizing a master post with all of the posts I've done. So keep your eyes out. (in the mean time, most of them seem to show up in the tag, just not all of them)

And lastly, THANK YOU CHERRY! I love having a partner to do these posts with!!

[n0phis]

5 (im gonna send u a few for the ask game)

5. estimate how much art you post online vs. keep to yourself

honestly theres only 1-2 things a month that don’t at least get posted in the server! i don’t tend to draw for myself. most wips aren’t posted to my socials necessarily, but i still send them to friends and in the wips channel of my discord lol

7. a medium of art you don’t work in, but appreciate

all of them tbh, but particularly normal traditional drawing! i have textural issues that make drawing on paper really uncomfortable, but a nice pencil sketch always looks gorgeous and i miss being able to do it. music making, pottery, sewing and carving are others that i can think of off the top of my head that i wouldn’t do myself but love watching!

11. do you listen to anything while drawing? if so, what?

lonngggg youtube videos that don’t require much attention! i can 100% follow a described narrative and can usually focus better when drawing, but a sorry boys video would obviously require my full attention. vods are kinda in between. i tend to gravitate to interesting, niche video essays most of the time though! nuclear reactors, plane crashes, chemical tier lists and jacob geller stuff generally, but a good commentary essay or dissection of old internet dramas or communities can never go wrong.

21. art styles nothing like your own, but that you like anyways.

i love disney style furries, and most more cartoony or exaggerated warrior cat style artworks! i try to go more of a lineart-heavy, detailed and slightly more realistic style for my own work (though my fanart tends to be more bright and happy than i intend) but i can still appreciate the nostalgia and appeal in cartoony or aesthetic cat designs, or zootopia critters.

24. do your references include stock images?

uhhh whenever i use references i tend to just google body part/animal/expression, stare at it for a bit, and then work from memory back on my canvas. i guess that’s mostly stock images?

30. what piece of yours do you think is underrated?

bold of you to assume i remember my works. but i think an old cranboo piece i did! love it a lot. enderwalk (ill attach it here) i need to paint more again LMFAO

[system-of-a-feather]

DISCLAIMER SECTION

I'm gonna ramble about race / cultural experiences and trauma (probably) and this time it really isn't a line of thought ignited by syscourse or anything - but I'll tag it's tw anyways cause I'd rather people be able to filter it out than get it out there, but anyways

(for the note this was actually spurred on from a number of conversations I was having with a few parts today at work, one of which being that post about "diagnosed early vs diagnosed late" trauma; none of these points necessarily reply to that but for transparency and context)

For all of this, if any points or topics relate or resonate with you, feel free to comment, reblog, discuss, whatever on this post. Theres a lot of trauma talk on this and some level of details (CW will be provided before each section along with CW: clears), but none of this is really intended as a vent or trauma dump as much as... ya know, just talking about it as it is.

--------

As we've gotten further and further along with our healing, we've come to be a lot more open and comfortable talking about topics specifically relating to our trauma - at least in a C-PTSD / paranoid about giving out things that can be used to hurt us sense - and that is honestly really great and I'm really happy and proud for that

The thing is though, even though we've mostly declawed how easily our main triggers can be poked at and thus enabled us to feel more confident and ok talking about it, we honestly still are hesitant to do so for two main reasons.

One, being a simple lack of motivation to do so as it doesn't really come up and we don't really think about it more than we have to and often when we have to its usually not a place of mind we have the spoons to talk about it - ya know, normal healthy things.

The second though is because we've really come to learn that a lot of people in online trauma and dissociative communities really don't understand a lot of the largest and foundational themes of the trauma we went through and in my experience in the community, more often than not the response I've gotten from sharing that sort of things have always been more uncomfortable at best than helpful or positive.

And I think there are like... maybe three main things about our childhood core trauma that just make it hard to talk about with the tone of the community + the general heavily white area. This isn't meant to be like "oh you are bad if you fall into this" or anything, I don't have any ill intent or "call out" to really anyone even those who might heavily contribute to this cause its not that much talked on afaik. Mostly talking about this in a sort of, I guess commentary? I dunno, food for thought I guess.

But the first area...

as you might expect from this post and some previous ones, is that due to the fact that the community is heavily white-person run and driven and filled with many white peers, a lot of the talk and understanding of "trauma" and what kind of "chronic childhood trauma" typically looks like to form DID is informed by a white and western standard of trauma. And that isn't to say it is WRONG or BAD, but it makes it so that there is an inherent understanding that anything that differs from that is typically "better" rather than looking at the differences in a large scale cultural-context lens. And this sort of stuff has on MULTIPLE occasions had people respond to me venting or sighing about trauma-related stuff and stating that they wish they had that growing up - which I absolutely understand but it is OBVIOUSLY intensely insensitive and lacking in insight. I don't think any of those people who made those comments MEANT bad, but the nature of the discussion of trauma in these spaces being so heavily white centric and run has made it so that people forget to take culture into account and over simplify trauma into this "A is bad and B is - even when bad as well - inherently better". There is probably a level of classism / assumptions based on class as well somewhere in there, but thats a line of thought I hadn't thought much on past just a "yeah that probably plays a role".

(CW: RAMCOA related topics, CSA, etc)

The second...

is that our relationship with our sister falls awkwardly into the "not programming" in the sense of it's scale and intensity, but it would also be incredibly understated to just call it "conditioning" either and this might just be a "my feelings" on the matter than an actual reflection of the community, but I do often feel as though the nature of it not being either would result in it either being minimized OR people assuming I am trying to claim that I have the same thing as those that experienced programming and its just a really awkward place to be in. There is a lot of black and white talk regarding psychological abuse perpetuated by a person in power who has knowledge of DID and toyed with you as an experiment and project by intentionally learning to manipulate the parts. It wasn't at all the same level of proper RAMCOA, but it also was not just "conditioned learning" as our dissociation was actively targeted as a mechanism to create an unquestioning pet - that of which ended off getting pettled off to the a pedophile.

The complexity and nuances of the trauma and relationship we had with our sister like that combined with the very black and white language regarding trauma talk of that kind has made it just really awkward to try to explain to people because its really not either but as far as I know there isn't a term for whatever it was either. While chatting with a part (forgot which honestly whoops) we were thinking of officially just making our own term of like "trained" but idk, we aren't the coining type of folk so *shrugs*

(CW: CLEARED)

The third area...

Is just how messy and black and white the talk around autism. To those that haven't followed this blog from the earliest of early days, it might seem as though we were recently diagnosed with autism (technically true) and thats it and all, but autism has been a HUGELY prevalent part of our childhood and trauma history and honestly none of it really fits into the common narratives in PTSD / CDD spaces.

Firstly, we were neither really "early diagnosed" OR "late diagnosed" as our parents and my oldest sister (who was early diagnosed) noticed it EARLY on and immediately shaped my entire life around my "Aspergers" diagnosis that I was told I had when I actually never saw a professional for. Regardless, to my knowledge, I was diagnosed with aspergers from age 4 until they changed it to ASD and I asked my mom about it again at 15 or 16 when I started seeing a therapist and found out she never actually had me formally diagnosed. I then became "undiagnosable" due to the disorders that they COULD confirm, plus the weird relationship with my sister, and that I was raised in a "heavily autistic environment" where it was very plausible that I simply learned autistic behaviors as - at the time, thank you DID - I was too high functioning / masking and didn't appear to have significant impairment in any other areas other than being "a bit weird" in terms of how I view society and behavior again, both of which could be accounted for by environment + C-PTSD. It wasn't until well after I cleared stabilization for DID and undid a lot of the intense training our sister put us through, did our masking drastically decrease and it became apparent that yeah, we actually are largely impacted by ASD which ended up with us in the last few months being diagnosed. We were diagnosed early, undiagnosed, labeled "can not confirm nor deny if this is ASD", then diagnosed late, all simultaneously and so we don't really know where our word would fall in the general pecking order of "which group does your experiences fall into".

The OTHER thing is that our two primary abusers were autistic and their autism WAS inherently a part of the trauma that we went through and a lot of the talk of autism on the internet is so 'low supports needs' centric and sugar coated that it is very hard to feel comfortable commenting on how actually ugly and harmful autism can be to the individual AND those around them. This isn't to say its Autistic Abuse or any of that garbage, but my abusers autism is not a negligible or coincidental aspect of their abuse. It didn't make them an abuser, but it was still a large part of it.

(CW: Physical abuse and neglect)

My dad is confusing for 5000 reasons and anyone whose had DMs with me for over a year will know I sometimes share some of the REALLY confusing things about my dad (pretty sure he has DID as well but thats a conspiracy theory), but between his cultural trauma, coming from a """third world""" country, and having missed out on certain learning targets growing up due to the aforementioned first two - he has never been given the information, coping skills, treatment, or context to handle his symptoms in anything close to a healthy way. Its only now that hes (I think) in his 60s that my mom got a better understanding of everything that he's gotten any support, but with the sheer lack of assistance in his childhood, teenage years, and adulthood, its both a large task and honestly arguably not fair on him to try to get him to understand it beyond what is necessary to give him a life worth living.

But again, he had no ability and no tools to navigate his symptoms due to his complex and unfortunate situation and he absolutely did the best he could with what he had. Some parts in the system don't forgive him, but almost all of them understand and respect the intent at least. For example, we were poorly fed (and when we were it was usually garbage; think KFC 5/7 days a week for dinner) until we were 16 and able to drag the family into actually cooking because my dad would get into violent and aggressive meltdowns over ANY food smells, ANY mess, and ANY warmth. Cooking was basically forbidden until then because everyone was too afraid to risk it. Like there is a lot more to that, but its not something I'm given as clear access to and I aint gonna pry, but most of the most abusive behavior from him could very much be stemmed down to a sensory or communication issue regarding his untreated autism and a lack of ability to cope with it resulting in violent meltdowns.

(CW: CLEARED)

(CW: ABA)

Likewise, my sister who had been given ABA, from a young age taught me "how to survive in the world as an autistic person" and directly passed on HER version of ABA and HER understanding of autism onto me, which was just a garbage, intentional or not, way to excuse making me into her pet project rather than actually coping with her own trauma. (Plus 95% of the "information" she "taught" me was garbage including the infamous "having multiple consciousnesses in your head is a normal autism thing as long as there are less than 5" that I clown on every other day)

(CW: CLEARED)

I dunno really how to wrap this up, its like a conglomeration of thoughts we had today so its not really well organized but like... I guess AHEM *puts on my highschool english essay hat*

And so I conclude my essay on *checks notes* reasons I feel weird talking about trauma in online spaces? I think thats the point of this post? Idk I'm just rambling XD

[streettealee]

Hi, no pressure at all btw, but are you planning to continue your fic titled 'the rain (it rains every day)'? I love that one but, again, no pressure if you're not planning to

Hi there! I'm so glad you love the fic (and thank you for the ask!) It was an idea I had for ages that I finally messed with after some summer research for it, and it holds a special place in my heart as someone with a Greek background getting to explore that culture from a more personal lens (not saying I am the most authentic, as I am an immigrant grandbaby in another country, but I also am not one to water down mythology or modernise it too far, unlike quite a few folks these days). That being said, there is a vague plan to continue, though I would need to immerse myself in all the story and ideas I had again, which can be tricky since I have a habit of fixating on one story and world at a time, only to deviate randomly to quickly blurt out other ideas and then move on. At the moment, I've been focusing on my original works, which I post about over at @laylaraptis.

Anyway, fanfic has become a bit of a standstill at the moment. I had a great spurt around about a month ago now where I started writing to work through a lot of emotions I had from my personal life, and I felt the pressure of the upcoming second semester of university starting up soon. I believe I updated 'soft hearts, electric souls' during my first week of study before I got swept up in my coursework. I'm studying law, so it's a heck of a lot of work. I have to keep a schedule of my daily tasks to ensure I keep up with everything, while also keeping in mind that I need to rest and take care of myself and juggle a social life and other responsibilities. Writing (and even commenting on the works of other fan authors) often feels like more work added on top of that and my time has become, I guess, a bit more precious to me? Additionally, I got tired of a lot of TLH commentary that I kept seeing, as well as TSC in general. I more consume these things than participate in many discussions these days. It gets exhausting, a little depressing, and even somewhat boring. It got to a point where I felt like I would rather spend my time working on something far more detailed (knowledge-wise because it's something I created and therefore I know all aspects of it by technicality, whereas I do not know Cassandra Clare's mind) and within my sphere of control that I've been meaning to do for years, than spend another minute investing all my left over energy while I'm studying into fanfic of someone else's work -- especially because I have my own to work on, you know? (Please note that I do not scorn fanfic -- I love it and still read it, and I will always support other writers choosing to do what they love. Fanfic can sometimes be better than canon, and it has my full respect. My own choice that I prefer working on my novel rather than doing fanfic for the moment is a result of a bunch of factors.)

I've also been very unwell lately (think of health as like a number line, with neutral at 0, positives going up the healthier I am, and negatives clearly being the opposite. I dipped well below the negatives.) Within the span of six days, I completely exhausted my body, had multiple illnesses going on simultaneously, and was struggling just to stay awake and get through each day. I won't go into further detail as it deals with some health topics that some might find distressing, but basically, I'm still on the mend for the next three weeks just to try and reach that neutral 0 again. And from there, I still need to work up the positive side of the number line. Because of this, I've barely had time to even work on my original pieces.

So, that was a long way to say: the future of the fic 'the rain (it rains every day)' is kind of uncertain, and I apologise for that. My main fic, WBITHOM, might end up being definitively discontinued simply because I feel like I put a lot into it and the pay-off hasn't been great. I was writing, not just for myself, but for an audience. My old writing partner was someone I relied greatly upon to gauge reception, and yet I think they inadvertently also lead to me being disappointed in how little folks think about what I write. I like to do a lot of symbolism, for example, and a lot of foreshadowing (I'm always worried it comes off too heavy and obvious), but they very rarely picked up on the purposeful decisions I make in writing, and I felt like I was being too serious about something no one else took seriously, if that makes sense.

But now I get to write for me, in private, with no chapter updates to anxiously wonder if people are going to comment on or read at all, and it's been quite nice. Lonely, at times, but nicer somehow because it feels more self-inflicted. I get to work away and just post snippets and background information and progress updates and just enjoy myself. Plus, I get to explore not just Greek culture, but other Balkan cultures too in my original writing! With characters already made to fit! I'm not working with CC's characters and trying to balance fandom expectations. My characters are my own and I know them far better than I could anyone else's. Granted, I am still in early stages of this current draft, and I expect I'll stray back to the comforts fanfic offers eventually for a break, and 'the rain (it rains every day)' is at the top of the update list since everything else has had its time and this one was always scheduled next. But for now, all my fanfics are on hold until further notice. Any content produced from me will be found on @laylaraptis for the next 140-odd days (I've set a deadline for myself, which you can read more about over on that blog).

Hope this was an okay answer to your question 💀 I am very aware that I ramble a lot.

[onyxbird]

I think a lot of this comes down to context cues: The norm for AO3 comments is commenting on fics you read and liked, and most authors will interpret comments within that positive context if it's plausible. If it's clear you're commenting outside that norm (e.g., haven't read the fic), then your comment is more open to misunderstandings/more negative interpretations and may need to be more carefully written and explicitly positive to have the same effect.

If you're trying to compliment on a fic you read and liked, the AO3 norms work in your favor. Context says the default answer to "Why did this person leave this comment?" is "Because they liked your fic!", so if your comment can be easily read as meaning "I liked your fic" then it probably will be. As a result, an enormous range of comment styles, from a single emoji or keysmash up to paragraphs of detailed commentary, tend to be taken as compliments. That's true even if the comment never explicitly says "I liked this" because the norm is that that's what drives people to comment. You generally would have to say something that comes across as specifically negative for the comment to not be understood as a compliment.

(I think this is what people generally mean when they say "All comments are appreciated," even though we're all on the internet, which is well known to have lots of genuinely mean and ill-intended comments. Readers who are worried about their phrasing not being perfect are presumably not leaving explicitly negative/nasty comments, so their comments are generally going to land inside the general range of "cool, they liked my fic!")

Comments outside the norm, e.g., on a fic you explicitly haven't read, lose a lot of that default positive spin. That's going to leave your comment more open to interpretation, as is obvious from the notes here. If the commenter didn't read the fic, then the answer to "Why did this person leave this comment?" is clearly not "Because they liked your fic," so individuals are going to make their own guesses at intent and meaning based on the wording. Those guesses will be influenced by many factors from their own experiences/attitudes. In general, if you want such a comment to be read positively, you're probably going to need to err more on the side explicitly positive and specific comments.

E.g., here, "so excited to read this when its completed" is a nominally positive statement--something about what they posted excited you. However, 1) it implies this does not mean "I already read the part you've posted and liked it" so you lose that default positive interpretation, 2) it's not clear what specifically you did like, if not the fic contents, and 3) it's expressing excitement for a thing that doesn't actually exist, i.e., the completed fic that may exist in the future (note that comments just asking for updates are a fairly common point of frustration--similarly, they put the emphasis/enthusiasm on what the commenter expects to be written in the future without saying they liked what was already written/posted). Some authors will find the sentiment encouraging and motivating; others will find it disappointing or discouraging (especially those who know the fic might never get finished or doubt you'll actually return to read and comment); others will probably find it neutral and just wonder why you're telling them this before you have anything to say about the fic itself.

As alternatives, I would first consider if you really need to specify that you haven't read it yet. If you're excited to read the fic, then something like "Wow, I love this premise!" or "___ is an amazing concept!" is presumably accurate and a specific compliment but will likely be read as "I liked this fic." Many people comment more than once (due to re-reading or just leaving a quick comment and coming back when they're prepared to comment in more depth), so you can just leave another regular comment later when you read the full fic. IMO, this is probably the "safest" way to leave a compliment before reading the fic if you don't know the author. (It probably means a stranger will inaccurately think you already read their fic, but does that matter?)

If it's important to you to comment and convey that you haven't read it yet (e.g., because you interact with the author elsewhere and it might become awkward if they think you read it and you didn't), then maybe comment on what you like about the fic description plus "Looking forward to reading this!" It's a specific compliment and expressing enthusiasm, but doesn't tie that to something they need to do, i.e., finish the fic, before you consider it worth reading.

(You're also likely to get more benefit of the doubt from an author you "know" in some sense, even if just through previous positive comment exchanges, rather than being a complete stranger, but that again comes down to being aware of the context you're working in. Hopefully in that case you'd already have some sense of how your comments might come across to that individual.)

I've got a question about the general feelings? etiquette? of commenting on in-progress fics with "so excited to read this when its completed" or something along those lines. Because I personally like them, and thought they were generally well recieved and encouraging, aka I've seen authors replied positively. But then the one time I tried to leave a similar comment, the author basically went "I don't know why you comment if you hadn't read it." So, whats the general feeling?

Oof. This is one of those things that's kind of a crap shoot anon. Some authors will take it as a compliment, others will absolutely hate it. It all comes down to how that author feels about readers who don't read works in progress.

Some authors don't post their works until after they've finished writing them - or at least not until they have enough chapters finished that they have a buffer built up and then they can post on a schedule. Other authors post each chapter as they write it.

In either case (but maybe more so for the latter group), authors rely on getting feedback as they post a work in order to know that the work is being received well by its intended readers. If there's silence (a lack of kudos or comments), the author might decide to stop posting the work. They'll assume no one wants to read it and therefore they shouldn't bother to post it.

For a writer in that mindset, someone saying they won't read it until the work is complete feels... bad. Like that person doesn't want to support you during the hard part (writing and posting) and is only going to show up when the work is done.

An even bigger factor, and one that could be in play no matter how the author goes about writing their story, is that comments are kind of a big deal to most writers. They're few and far between and each one is precious because it's a signal that someone is reading and they care and they're telling you that they're reading and they care. But your message explicitly says that you're not reading (yet) - which some authors may take to mean that you don't care, but which either way means that they saw that wonderful comment notification only for it to be "check back later".

Obviously not every author is going to feel this way about things, but I hope that by explaining why some might you can understand it a bit better? Some suggestions for other comments that might be more universally appreciated:

this is just the kind of fic I love!

this one's going in the bookmarks!

this is such a great premise!

All of which you might mean, but they leave out the part where you won't be reading the fic itself for weeks and/or months.

I will caution, however, that if you leave a comment like this when they post chapter one and you don't come back again within a couple of chapters, a certain percentage of authors (and it's not a small percentage) will assume that you loved chapter one and hated chapter two and that's why you didn't come back to comment again.

[thekaijudude]

Have you been enjoying Arc so far or there is really nothing new?

I haven't been watching cause it feels the same thing as every new gen Especially when it comes to bring back GUBILA again.

Also Arc desing kind sucks Especially his head cause why would have a Silver body Ultra have Fucking UltraSeven type Ultra Eyes? It worked for Taiga cause his mom should be a Silver Ultra but Arc really doesn't have excuse for that.

The only thing I am hyper for is the return of Jack or Gaia since there only one guess star left

Oh I've covered my views on Arc and my views on his design extensively since we knew of the synopsis before it aired, so I'll be summarising most of the stuff here

For my thoughts on the design, in summary, he still looks ugly from the front, but absolutely RAD from the side. And he was design specifically to have a Reiwa-looking head sculpt with a Showa-looking body. It's to be expected anyways since we seem to have at least 1 series that's a homage to the Showa Era every decade so at least we got this out of the way with Arc already until at least 2030 (unless they wanna have another successor series to a showa era ultra before that)

As for series, overall as said, it's mid, even more mid than Decker was which I also explained why. Personally it's due to my personal preference of preferring series that is focused on an overall plot (which is why I really did not enjoy Blazar at all, but I digress). And Arc is obviously mainly just filler content for the first half.

To put it into perspective, before ep 14, the last time we got an update on wtf was going on with the Ooze parasites, was that it was a flashback way back in ep 6.

But as pointed out in the latest issue of the uuchsen magazine that I shared, the 2nd half of Arc will be vastly different from the first half, as shown in ep 14 and 15 where we are now back on track to the main plot (at least after the Blazar arc).

Not to mention we are finally getting essentially a 2-epsiode crossover with Blazar (technically it's 4, starting from ep 16 which I'll explain when the scans drop). I haven't posted this information yet because I'm waiting for the October Scans to drop to ill just share this first.

So imo Arc is finally getting at least somewhat interesting from here on out. Tbh I'm not really disappointed as detailed that I don't really have expectations for this series (like Decker back then) when we first found out the whole armor gimmick

But if there's a silver lining to all this, it'll probably be that TsuPro is moving on from the Blazar-Arc formula since these 2 have seen really bad drops in the Bandai sales which Bandai and FIELDS are making alot of noise about it even back then for Blazar as I pointed out in the latest financial report I shared. Tsujimoto, in his interview, even emphasised that TsuPro will be moving on from Blazar-Arc's focus on kaiju, back to the Ultras themselves, even referencing the pressure from Bandai as well. So we will finally return to getting ACTUAL FORMS and focus on the main plot for subsequent series hopefully.

(I have come across a quarterly financial report of Arc, which is still showing a decline in sales but I haven't shared it yet cause I can't confirm it's authenticity since it didn't come from 809 so stay tuned when it eventually drops)

Also, at least Arc has made advancements in terms of pushing the quality of shows forward in some ways. I did point out in every episode commentaries of certain new filming techniques and fight sequences that Arc has improved on so at least it did still improved from Blazar and will act as a foundation for subsequent series as well. I shouldnt say anymore than this until my overall series review after the final episode lol.

Thanks for the question!

[driflew]

beholden outlines and notes

i got a review on beholden yesterday who pointed out its been, yknow, well over a year since i updated the fic. obviously those of you following me here know ive been writing other stuff, and so it shouldn't come as a surprise that im not rlly planning to go back to working on it

why? other than getting into another fandom, i honestly just wasnt really happy w how the fic was turning out. i loved s1, but s2 i just wasnt liking as much. and as much as i was excited for how s2 (and the fic in general) would have ended, i just couldnt get myself to keep working and Get there. besides that, i started beholden on quarantine, and when class/work started up, i simply didnt have the time to write so much. beholden was already 70k. to finish would have probs doubled the length, and that's not time i could dedicate

as such, ive decided to post my outlines/notes for what the rest of beholden Would have been if id ever gotten to finishing it. this is, i guess, my final sendoff for beholden. here's every doc / outline i had guiding my writing of this fic

ill say in advance this fic was a mix of plotting and pantsing, so not everything in the outline is completely fleshed out. but the main beats are there, esp in scenes i was more confident about

...these also weren't meant to be viewed by anyone but me, so they might be sort of confusing/under-explained. il add a bit of commentary/context when i can

first, here's my detail on how the rest of season two would have gone:

NOV 3: Jordan Kennedy statement

toll his Knowing and rereading old statements

talk about Peter! self-isolation as a way to 

1. Ready himself and his friends for his death, by not being too deeply attached, 

2. Keep peter and elias’s attention on him rather than his assistants, 

3. Get peter to agree to yeet any threats into the Lonely, to keep his marks low

Dust to Dust. michael shelley is there. implies jon might have known abt the tapes all along and they could very well be the secret?? 

does this implicate michael in gertrude’s murder

Tim and Martin have an argument at flat while the three of them are listening to tapes. 

Jon has been guiding, but Tim worries he may be guiding Away from the truth (paranoid)

Martin worries Tim is so focused on finding Jon’s secret he’s getting distant from Jon. 

They’ve been listening to tapes at Martin and Tim’s whenever possible. 

martin’s tired of it! hes doing work at home basically, and tim’s kind of erratic now that hes got the idea in his head jon might be a monster. it worries martin too but he knows that even w the shit jon pulls he IS their friend

sasha’s gonna have. Thoughts abt the Michael thing as well, given Michael and Jon clearly have some kind of shared past / understanding

something something… Michael talks about a shared past, Jon about reverting the Change… they both worked with Gertrude…… Gertrude and Jon reverting “the Change”??

but what the fuck is the Change? what “changed”??? why did they need to undo it? why do only they remember it? do they need to prevent it from “changing” again?

could she talk to Michael?

WHERE DID THIS PLOT COME FROM 

Group intervention, 

Martin trying to make them stop being so suspicious of each other. Gearing up for the “if we were all happy would that be so bad” bit

DEC 1: Daisy drops by in place of Basira to give a statement / talk to tim. Jon half avoids this one bc 1, not feeding on a friend, 2, daisy will Kill him if hes noticeably not human (esp since she figured it out thru him changing in her dreams last time)

asks Tim about the nathaniel thorp statement. she wants to see it. 

looked back into the guy. he wasn’t named nathaniel thorp, but its been a long time. she’s not about to rule out a fake name

JAN 7: Tessa Winters 

WHAT HAPPENED IN CANON:

tim and jon argue

martin tells jon to fix shit w tim

not them encounter in the tunnels

talk to elias

JAN 25: Caroline Gorka

Jon takes this one. hungry

jons on his isolation arc

FEB 11: Maxwell Rainer raid

Feb13: Melanie statement 2

Tim bumps into in the library while researching and asks her abt what she’s been researching. she talks abt the notThem, and the table, and the statements Jon has given her copies of. Tim frowns and tell her that they know where the table is, it’s here, why would Jon lie about that… unless…? they decide fuck the library and fuck work and just leave

they do some research into jon’s past. Tim, Melanie, and Georgie go thru Georgie’s old pictures, but she doesnt have any (messy breakup… she got rid of most of it). talk abt the sudden personality change, etc. 

Tim decides that he must have changed. they talk abt how there’s usually someone who can see the difference, and Tim decides that since it isn’t any of them, it must be someone else in the institute. he asks around about what people think Jonathan Sims looks like, and “rosie” pauses before describing a complete stranger. tall, close-cropped hair, broad shoulders. and then this strange short man came in and she assumed they must have fired Sims, since he really wasn’t qualified, and hired some other Jon…

and that’s it. that must be. jon’s dead and this thing replaced him. 

Feb 16: axe to table

Tim calls Daisy, since she has experience killing these things. Melanie and Georgie decide to help—Melanie bc she was researching them, and Georgie bc that was her friend. Basira tags along too. Tim tells Martin and Sasha that they should come w him (without explaining), and to not tell Jon. rosie is more than happy to let them thru to artifact storage.

they all go, Tim explains that Jon is NOT Jon, and he’s going to prove it. then he turns around and puts an axe through the table

Jon shows up and is like. rosie wouldn’t let me in please tell me you didnt break the table. and Tim is like its too late, you bastard Jon-killer! 

chaos. 

dunno how this bit goes BUT 

shouting match in which they both talk abt rosie, and Martin realizes that rosie has been replaced

daisy attacks Jon and he panics, sending her to the Lonely as per the deal w Lukas. thats a problem! but also this fic equivalent of the buried

notRosie attacks, and the rest of them escape. idk how. Jon gets them to the tunnels probably? barricades them in the archvies? they deal w notRosie somehow. 

Jon has to come clean! its time t explain everything!

this might be a separate chapter. end on a cliffhanger and then in the new chapter Jon must explain….

new exposition dump chapter! here’s everything Jon has to explain (or not explain)

he is a time traveller, sort of, having sent his own memories back in time

he knew all of them (and daisy). all of them died. the world ended. he’s here to prevent it

probably toes the line between “it was my fault” and “im on your side.” yes he caused their deaths. no he doesnt want to cause them again. everything he’s done has been to stop those deaths from happening again.

explains he had to hide it because of Elias. probably explains how serious he is about this by explaining how he blinded himself to keep things from Elias and the Eye

…which leads him to explain shit like the Eye, the entities, the rituals, etc. 

which is a great lead-in to the Unknowing!

stresses repeatedly that he’s being honest, he’s telling them a lot and he’s willing to admit everything, but keeps two things to himself: he and Martin dated, and he’s going to kill himself in the Unknowing

...and that would have been s2! i was really excited for the not-Jon thing, but never got to it.

anyway. i also had these two notes at the end of the doc as things to consider in my writing of jon's interactions with Sasha and Tim

“sasha is jon’s favorite, theyre probably comfortable with each other”

“jon’s got stronger memories / more memories of tim hating him than tim being his friend, thats gotta be weird for how he feels about tim”

speaking of Tim, i ALSO have a doc specifically for guiding tim's arc. sasha's arc was mostly me rolling with the punches and working with what i thought she might be able to figure out, but Tim i had the beats planned more directly

TIM PLOT OUTLINE

peter lukas props Isn't human, jon Is helping him

jon is doing other shady shit, helping michael (also not human)

jon is very pointedly guiding them towards the unknowing but not saying what he knows or why

research avatars and learn ppl can lose their humanity / become monsters.

combine melanie's info on ppl replaced, like the notThem

horrible conclusion: on either was human and isn't anymore, or really isn't jon. were they ever even friends with jon?

(worth noting: if Jon truly was replaced when his personality changed, then all their moments of being genuinely close came after that. the person he is close friends with is not Jon. its the thing that killed Jon. the realization he “never actually got to befriend Jon at all” is going to do weird things to his heart, im sure)

(remember the table? tim can compare notes having seen it w melanie, who has been looking into the notThem) (statement info plus it now being revealed

jon is hiding shit from melanie as well) maybe have georgie in here looking for polaroid images or tape recordings of jon from college, which she can't find. no way to confirm he is who he's supposed to be

basira and daisy.…... basira can tell tim and sasha she's sectioned and that daisy believes Jon isn't human

AS FOR THE REST OF THE FIC...

when i started writing beholden, i plotted out the entire fic. i did s1 in detail, and s2 and three in... not a lot of detail. when i started s2, i made a new doc and more detailed outline, which is what i showed above. as i never got to s3, the s3 outline is... not super in-depth. had i made it to s3, i would have fleshed it out more, but alas. anyway, here's what i had:

Everyone knows MOSTLY whats up. 

There needs to be trust building! rights for jonmartin?

Jon plans to kill Elias after the Unknowing. Hes barely human, his friends are okay, and if they destroy the institute after his death, there shouldnt be any danger. In getting htem to trust him he accidentally forgets this means theyll be attached to him and wont Want him to die

elias now has to go on the offensive to get jon marked. Entities jon needs to be marked by still: buried, dark, desolation, end, flesh, hunt, lonely, slaughter, stranger, vast

At some point in this season, they have to find out what Jon’s real plan is 

FEB 17: starts. Does anything need to go here? Jon isnt on the lam. I guess re-bonding. Since most of them thought he was guilty of murder. Less “heres the past i remember” and more direct talk on his actual plan (but vague on how he plans to do the actual killing). can explain that hes not any more human than elias is. Also that they cant just Kill Elias or else it will kill all of them, but jon has a plan (that he cant tell the others, bc elias can read minds! Thats def why he cant tell them the plan)

APRIL 24: jude perry. If Jon wont go to her, Elias probably needs to bring her to Jon… oof. I think Tim is gonna get hurt by the desolation. 

Im putting the confrontation w elias here. Elias probably Knows what Jon is planning (or at least that hes planning to kill Jon, but not how) and Jon demands to know why the others are hurt. Learns Elias doesn need jon alive or to be The Archivist, it can be anyone, and elias isnt afraid to get a second one if he has to

APRIL 28: mike crew

...probably Simon this time, since Elias i think could get him to visit the MI anyway

Also I want to vaporize simon fairchild

Which i guess means jon avatar moments, which i want/need anyway

Unknown date: jon gets kidnapped by the stranger. Helen kills Michael simply bc i like Helen more. i will find real justification for this by the time i get here, probably

Coming back from being kidnapped is rough for jon bc he hasnt Known in a while or relied on his powers too much but, uh, hes starving

Assistants helping jon manage his inhumanity, which is uh… a tense issue, im sure. But theyre more sympathetic bc they like him more and also he did give up his humanity for them. having several anchors will make it all easier to manage

JUNE 29: is in the USA, is kidnapped by Trevor and Julia. Probably gets a Hunt injury here, since hes clearly not human, 

I think the fact jon had to leave the country to do this alone for some reason right now while theyre preparing for the unknowing stuff raises questions. Why cant this wait until after elias is dead??

before the unknowing, Jon records a tape explaining that killing the archivist means everyone else will be freed from the institute, to be listened to after he kills himself in the unknowing. He lists elias’s weakness of being in the panopticon, mentions leitner in the tunnels may be able to lead them. its a goodbye tape, saying sorry for lying about this last thing, and this is sort of his penance for killing them and the world. he can die instead this time, satisfied with saving the rest of them and confident they can finish out the rest of saving the world now that hes helped them survive and given them the tools to take down Elias. fic equivalent of testament, i guess?

AUG 6: plant explosives at the wax museum. They dont actually have to detonate during the unknowing, since the ritual would fail anyway, so? They can probs just blow it up right before while the circus is in the building getting ready, without getting Strange

I think same crew as canon go. Since theyre not waiting for the actual event or anything and are going beforehand, these were the ppl who knew how to set up the bomb and all

Jon plans to tell them he’s on the other side of the building, watching for anything that might come out and escape to kill it. He’ll text tim when hes there and tell tim to detonate. (

Jon actually plans to go inside, sit down w a bomb, and tell tim to detonate w him inside. So he’ll die and they’ll be free to kill elias

(he still wants to give Tim the option to get revenge on the circus, and sort of Still feels like. yknow, if Tim detonated it on him once, it'll be fine to do it again)

(will be fun to have Tim and Jon talk afterwards abt how Tim feels about Jon planning to use Tim to kill himself)

Sasha listens to the tape Jon left, figures out its jon’s suicide note, and calls tim immediately to stop him from detonating. She doesnt listen to the whole thing, just like. enough to hear the tone of jon's voice and Realize. Tim and Basira go in to stop/help Jon

and thats season 3! as i said, not particularly fleshed out. it def needed a lot of work, and besides, i wanted to flesh it out more when i had written more of s1 and s2, since i think its easier to do once you know what's actually on your page. but. didnt happen, clearly.

...you might be looking at these bullets and thinking "wait, wasnt there a bullet point about sending daisy into the lonely at the end of s2? where did that plot go?" and the answer is: it didnt exist when i started plotting the fic, but it was added later. i hadn't yet fleshed it out fully, but it would have worked similarly to pulling daisy out of the buried. i hadn't yet decided when to pull her out or whether the person o do so would be Jon or Basira. Jon would have gone and had a similar moment as the coffin where they bonded over losing their humanity, while Basira it would have been similar to the s5 plot line in which Basira had to take a long hard look at the stuff she allowed daisy to pull (since, yknow, you need to See someone to find them in the Lonely). i hadn't got far enough to figure out the details, tho, but figuring out what to do with daisy was something i found... particularly tricky, considering her character

ANYWAY. in addition to all this, i had, uh, a whopping THREE bullet points for "season four," which was basically rolled into arc three

They need a new plan to kill elias and i have no fucking idea what that plan is

Nvm. gertrude was gonna blow up the institute so thats what jon will do. Hes strong enough to survive and everyone else will be able to w the institute gone

...burn employment contracts? So they dont all die?

...that was all.

another thing i had decided (but not written down) while working on s2, however, that i didnt want to do "season four" and that i wanted to end at the unknowing. my plan was that id figure out what to do when i got closer to the end and had more information on what had transpired in fic. i think my vague plan was essentially "once they find out Jon was going to sacrifice himself they make him Not and do some shit to take the Institute down in that moment, based in the idea of destroying the institute."

one thing i wanted to do what play around with the fact the eye canonically favors Jon over Elias/Jonag and the fact that the lives of the assistants are tied to Jon, and see about burning the institute to weaken jonah further. if Jon was more powerful/favored, perhaps he could supercede jonah's power and thus, when jonah died, the lives of the institute employees could be tied to Jon instead? or something? i wasnt sure, esp w Jon being less favorable/weaker in this fic than canon.

the ending bit i was excited for was the unknowing, and everything that came after was just sort of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

.....well! that's everything, i think! not all the way polished, but these were the ideas i had for how beholden would have gone. i also had two scenes half-written for the next chapter, and a random scene of flashbacks written on how the original cast died (written before daisy died in canon). i might post that as well, like, later

if you've read this far, thanks for still being interested in beholden! i cant express enough how grateful i am for all the support i received on this fic, including the fact that im receiving comments on it even now. it was a lot of fun to work on, even if i dont plan on finishing it. i hope seeing my notes, however patchy, helps you get a bit of closure on how this fic would have gone!

and, finally, if you'll allow me to be a bit silly: i love you, Beholden. sorry for never getting around to wrapping you up, but im so proud of you and grateful to you for existing. youre the most writing ive ever done in a single piece, and im thrilled to have you to show for how much i can get done if i really put my mind to it

[ovaruling]

that is extremely well said, and i completely agree.

i do want to add my input here, for whatever it’s worth as a “cis” woman who has had cosmetic surgery, bc i am always going to speak up when i get a whiff of it on this site.

anon, i am going to guess that you’ve never had cosmetic surgery. i have had over 10 procedures. let me jump in here, bc if you’re not yet familiar w my cosmetic surgery survival, you’re about to be.

giving surgery to girls with eating disorders is a good comparison, unfortunately. because that’s exactly what cosmetic surgeons did for me.

when i went into my 2nd surgery, at 18 years old, with my ribs showing after having lost about 170lb in 1 year by starving and purging, the cosmetic surgeon didn’t look at me and go, “my god, no way. you poor girl. you need help.” nothing was said when i was weighed in the office and clocked in at one that was most definitely much too low for someone of my height.

this surgeon was the one who did liposuction on me so deep into my waist that it left me with permanent damage. he was famous for that tactic—the “hourglass” shape. the fabrication i believed was “my true body.” i was “supposed” to look like that, right? i was an 18-year-old girl who was starving. but i was still “supposed” to look like that.

i kept getting surgeries. many. i could tell you about them all in great detail, but i’ll leave it at this: it ruined my life. i can never, ever undo the damage that was done.

and not a single one of those surgeons did anything but try to sell me more. when i went in for my BBL—the one that nearly killed me, btw—the surgeon told me, “oh, did you lose a lot of weight or something? yeah, you’re going to need a tummy tuck, soon.” he prodded at me and told me to turn around. pinched my “loose skin” and waggled it in the mirror and told me, “look. look at that. you’re a young girl! we can’t have THIS.” waggling my flesh between his fingertips so hard that it left a red mark when he finally let go of my body.

and, do you know, i still never have been able to get him to return a single call of mine in here, what, 6 years since my BBL almost killed me? not a one. didn’t care that i needed help. didn’t give a single shit.

but oh, yeah, my gender was totally affirmed. my gender of being a deeply sick, deeply mentally ill young girl—later woman—who was literally told every step of the way, no matter what surgery i had already had done. “you need buccal fat removal”—“you need another breast lift”—“you need lipo here, here, and here”—oh, yeah, i definitely felt affirmed after my mystery autoimmune disorder developed. after all of my infections. after all of my additional MOLD infections. after all of the scar tissue. after all of the permanent nerve damage. after all of the visits to the top clinics in the country, my mother having to help me to walk, bc no other doctor or specialist in the state knew what the hell was wrong with me. after being told by those top clinics, those five-star clinics that work tirelessly to understand even the most confounding of conditions, “we just don’t know. i’m sorry. have you seen a therapist?”

i definitely have my gender affirmed now that i’ve done almost everything society told me i should have done.

do you know what i’d give to have the pain of feeling the surgeon waggle that “loose skin” back? cuz what i got instead is so, so much worse.

it’s human experimentation.

if you’re interested in a full list (it could never be full—i need a fucking book) of the consequences of what i did to “affirm” myself, feel free to visit my original account and after that, visit my “anti cosmetic surgery” tag (link to that tag in my pinned post) for further commentary and posts i have made.

but i live in debilitating pain every second of my life. i no longer have independence as i near 30 years old bc i cannot be left alone for long periods of time without aid. the conditions i developed after elective cosmetic surgery disabled me. i will be chronically ill for the rest of my life. i will be in pain for the rest of my life.

anon, i don’t care what your philosophy is on whatever social whims deserve to be “affirmed.” i am telling you as a survivor of this sickness—the sickness of thinking you not only can but MUST modify your body through elective surgery—that it is nothing more than human experimentation.

do you know what i’d give to be an internet philosopher, just wondering about this? i lived it. and so have countless other women.

if you’re already aware of the risks, then you are already telling me you will willingly sacrifice me and others like me for the pursuit of harmful aesthetics. you are even telling me that you will sacrifice trans people! why would you do that? even if you don’t give a shit about me or “cis” women, how could you do that to the group of people you are claiming to fight for?

have you not seen the tiktoks of trans people talking about their surgical complications? their worst nightmares coming true? have you not read the stories from them? the despairing pleas for help, now that they can never go back? or have you just skated your eyes over post titles like “i regret it all” and kept scrolling?

anon, you don’t sound like you really care about trans people. you seem willing to sacrifice the health and well-being of one just so another MIGHT get what they want out of this barbaric industry.

if you wanna get into the extremes, you also sound like you’re ok with letting the suicidal tendencies of this group simply increase tenfold. because after cosmetic surgery, those feelings have been known to go up.

they definitely did for me. every day of my life is pain.

anon, i don’t really think you care about trans people. in fact, i would even say you’re harming them with this viewpoint. it sounds like you’re a gambler willing to feed a lot of people to the machine on the slight chance that it might get you or someone else whatever you imagine a “jackpot” to be in this situation. and i’m guessing it’s just looks, right? the simulation of “beauty.”

how many of us survivors have to scream before you will even admit we exist?

anon, please go talk to the women who regret their cosmetic surgeries. please go talk to some of the detransitioners who regret their surgeries. i’m begging you. you are not listening. i will say it again: this is human experimentation. these are not life-saving surgeries—they are life-ruining ones.

and if you’re only going to focus on the 1 person who CLAIMS to be satisfied w their surgery, while ignoring the rest of us, whether we’re trans or not, then i’m sorry to say i have to call that one hell of an echo chamber.

a small question: don't cis people get gender affirming care? like women will get bothered if they look too manly or be compelled to have implants and facial reconstructions out of a female beauty standard. men do similar things as well.

the fact that you call getting plastic surgeries out of insecurities or to fit beauty standards “gender affirming care” is disturbing to say the least. it’s not healthcare to get plastic surgery bc you hate your own appearance and want to be considered more beautiful…. you’ve been successfully brainwashed by plastic surgeons

[demonslayedher]

Do we know which pillars had final selection together? Like Giyuu and Murata did it together, and possibly The Kocho sisters went through it together. Mitsuri or Obanai were probably the last ones out of the 9 to finish it. What do you think?

Come with me, Anon. You've unlocked an attempted timeline. Watch your step, it may get dark down here. Ultimately, I've done a lot of guesswork, but we're going to weave our way through each Pillar. I'd like to open this post by declaring this spread a lie:

A brief key: Corp ranks: From lowest to highest: Mizunoto -> Mizunoe -> Kanoto -> Kanoe -> Tsuchinoto -> Tsuchinoe -> Hinoto -> Hinoe -> Kinoto -> Kinoe Pillar criteria: 1. Be the strongest user of your Breath (this is perhaps implied) AND 2. Defeat one of the Twelve Moons OR 3. Defeat at least 50 demons and be of the Kinoe (10th of 10) rank. Commentary on the timing of both here. Abbreviations on references: Chapter and number: C# Fanbook 1(published July 2019): FB1 Fanbook 2 (published February 2021): FB2 Light novels (of which there are three so far with fan translations very kindly provided here): LN Tomioka & Rengoku Gaiden manga by Ryoji Hirano (compiled December 2020, though the Tomioka Gaiden was written earlier): GD A note on timing: based on the Hand Demon's comments and some seasonal indicators, my unofficial but best guess for Tanjirou's Final Selection is early 1915, and I'll be using that as a loose frame of reference. Please note that 1915 has never been expressly noted in canon material. Calculation of ages will also be kept somewhat loose and simple, and calculation of canon events and seasons are my best attempts at consistency.

Also, I have found no indication of how often the Final Selection is held, but given the number of Corp members and how quickly they get killed off, I have to work with the possibility that it happens multiple times a year. That makes the likelihood of Pillars having done it at the same time a bit lower. However, Giyuu says multiple times “that year’s Final Selection” (C130), which does make it seem limiting, so it could be that Tanjirou’s group really was a small batch. A note on sources: This post will rely heavily on GD details, but it is worth noting that the GD must be taken with cautious consideration. While Gotouge might have given general approval on a lot of it, some little details are directly incongruent with canon (for example, see my note on this translation post about the Rengoku hair color confusion). One more note: in my scribbled notes I referred to life changing traumatic events as “The Big Sad.” That is funny so I shall avail myself of the same shorthand here.

Himejima Gyoumei: The Big Sad occurs when he is 18 (by my calculations, 1906), he meets Oyakata-sama when he is age 14 and not yet showing signs of illness (C135, C139). Unclear how quickly he underwent the Final Selection, but he became a Hashira at age 19 (C138), but he rescued the Kochou sisters and sent them on their training way (LN). Shinobu had to have been 11 at the oldest (I assume). Unclear when and how he’d have learned Rock Breathing, a long established Breath technique. (Side note: Amane might had been expecting quintuplets when Kagaya trotted off to go save a gentle giant in jail.)

Uzui Tengen: For reference, he is the same age as Oyakata-sama. He left the ninja at age 15 (1907) (mentioned in C87 with somewhat unclear wording, clarified in FB1 that it was when Tengen was age 15), and seems he’d have met Oyataka-sama upon becoming a Pillar not long after passing the Final Selection, which was probably a breeze for him. They might had been age 15 or 16 at the time, making this 1907 or 1908, I find 1908 more likely because it takes place in cherry blossom season (C87). See more on my attempted Uzui timeline here.

Tomioka Giyuu: If it wasn’t just that he met Sabito at age 13 (C130) but that he also went through the Final Selection with him (and Murata, C185) at that age, then he did it in 1907. If we assume a year of training, then 1908 at age 14. As Murata doesn’t seem to show the same kinship for Uzui, I assume the timing was not at the same time, but if the Final Selection was limited to one year, then it’s possible Uzui was there and just didn’t cross paths with anyone, because ninja. It’s unclear how long Giyuu was in the Corp before becoming a Pillar, but at least by 1911, the year Kanae died, as they are seen together at a meeting (C168).

Kochou Kanae, Kochou Shinobu: The biggest clues we have to work with are that Kanae was 17 when she died, and Shinobu was 14 at that time (Taisho Secret, C162). They started training at the same time (LN) (1806 at the very earliest, based on Himejima’s career path, which would put them at ages 9 and 12, or possibly 1807, at ages 10 and 13). If we assume a year of training each, then they very well may have done the Final Selection together either 1907 (ages 10 and 13) or 1908 (ages 11 and 14). This does double them up a bit with Giyuu and Sanemi (perhaps), but even if we assume only one Final Selection per year, they didn’t make much of an impression on each other. It’s also possible Kanae finished her training earlier than Shinobu did (under a separate cultivator Himejima introduced, LN), for she was very quick to rise to the rank of a Pillar, seeing as she’d have died by 1911. As we don’t have specific timing on Sanemi (see below) and don’t know that she was a Pillar by the time of her appearance in Sanemi’s backstory chapter of the LN, it’s hard to pin down the timing any more than that. Shinobu would had become a Pillar by 1913, age 16 (GD). We can also use all this to surmise more timing about the other Butterfly Mansion girls. Aoi, Kanao, Kiyo, Sumi, and Naho were all present before Kanae’s death (C163). Kanao would had been brought in sometime between 1908 and 1911 (age 9~13, likely on the earlier end given the more stark height difference from short Shinobu, extra chapter Volume 7), and Aoi was already there (Taisho Secrets C162, FB2). Aoi, despite having lived with the Kochou sisters so long, was a Water Breath user (FB2), and this is far before she’d have gone to the Final Selection, so I assume she was living there and commuting to her cultivator, which is why it may had taken her extra time to complete her training. With this being an arrangement instead of an adoption, that’s perhaps part of why Kanao was considered a sister while Aoi was not. More interpretation of all of this on an attempted timeline of Shinobu’s life, and an attempted timeline of Aoi's Corp involvement.

Shinazugawa Sanemi: Unclear when The Big Sad occurred and how long he was on his own before Masachika found him and set him up with a cultivator. Unless I missed something, neither Sanemi nor Genya’s flashbacks provided an estimate on timing. Since a lot of Big Sad Stuff occurs when the characters are 13, I used that as a frame of reference, putting it around 1907 (Genya would be age 8). That gives Sanemi time to wonder around and build a reputation for himself as that kid stringing up demons without Nichirin weapons, to learn Breath under a cultivator, enter the Final Selection (maybe around 1908?), and do things on his own a while before his first encounter with the more experienced Kanae and reunion with Masachika (LN), who we don’t have ages for, but I’ll assume he’s 1~3 years older than Sanemi. They got a rocky start and Sanemi would have required time to build a friendship and then reach Kinoe rank at the same time before taking on Upper Moon 1 (LN, C168). Since Kanae, who is the same age as Sanemi, is a Pillar by this time, I’m going to guess he’s around age 16 or 17 (1910~1911, in which case, Kanae is soon to die after he joins the Pillar ranks. Himejima would have needed a little time to observe them together (FB2), but this didn’t necessarily have to be when they were both Pillars) (C168). Plus, Sanemi has already gotten to know a whole lot of dead Corp members by this time and has grown a touch cynical about the Corp (C168). By this time, Oyakata-sama is about 18~19 years old, and his illness has progressed somewhat dramatically between this and Uzui’s flashback. He can still see out of one eye, and Kiriya is with him, age 3~5ish. I’d place him closer to 5, because he looks too tall to be a 3-year-old (C168).

Rengoku Kyoujurou: We can only guess how old he was when Ruka died, but for reference, if assume Senjurou is around 13 in 1915 (based on him being a 1st year junior high school student in the Kimetsu Academy AU as stated in Volume 9), he needs to have been both old enough to have waved a wooden sword around in the yard with daddy as well as fall asleep at mommy’s futon and not have many memories of her. Shall we say, age 4 or so? Putting Kyoujurou at age 11-ish? 1906-ish? Actually, based on the Rengoku Vol. 0 chapter about Kyoujurou’s Final Selection and First Mission, I might put it slightly earlier than that, because the kid needed to hit his growth spurt. But, I do believe that the happy flashback of Shinjurou takes place while Ruka is still alive, as Kyoujurou states that Shinjurou started to change after Ruka’s death (GD). In Rengoku Vol. 0, Shinjurou is still attempting his Pillar duties, but with a lot of cynicism, and he’s already telling Kyoujurou that neither he nor Senjurou will ever be any good. 13 seems like a pretty average age for joining the Final Selection, if we assume this is the case, then it would had been around 1908, making Senjurou around age 6. We could even give it an extra year and still be safe, I think (putting it at 1909, though I supposed I put Sanemi around 1908 for a Final Selection too, though it doesn’t seem they’d have encountered or had much recollection of each other. This is kind of making me lean 1909.) Kyoujurou trained Mitsuri for six months before he became a Pillar (GD), and she didn’t take up the sword until she was 17 in 1913 (C123). Seasonal indicators in Mitsuri’s kimono (C123) suggest that her matchmaking fiasco took place in spring, suggesting that Kyoujurou became a Pillar around autumn/early winter 1913 at age 18. That means he took a more average amount of time to become a Pillar, and Shinjurou dwindled a long time before before just plain giving up.

Iguro Obanai: He was rescued by Shinjuro in 1906, when he was 12 (C188). This would had been right before Ruka was dying or shortly after it, when Shinjuro was still making himself go to far away locations (Obanai was on Hachijo Island, a pretty fair distance away, FB1). Frankly, Obanai probably wasn’t the strongest it, and it likely took him a while to gain enough strength to survive the Final Selection, but he’d likely have been very motivated to do so. Since it five years is the average amount of time it takes to become a Pillar (Taisho Secret, C91), I feel comfortable assuming he became a Pillar by no later than spring 1914 (later than Kyoujurou, comfortably earlier than Mitsuri (C124), long enough to develop a good rapport with Sanemi and even Uzui (FB2)), and may have passed the Final Selection around 1909 or 1910, around age 15~16.

Tokitou Muichirou: The Big Sad was in summer 1912, when he was 11 (C118). The big question on my mind is how long he was in recovery before picking up the sword, because he became a Pillar within 2 months of that time (C87)—not from the Final Selection, from picking up the sword, because he is that much of a genius. That must had been a super, super busy two months. However, we also know it couldn’t have been that soon because he’s not pictured among the Pillars in late 1913, when Kyoujurou attends a Pillar meeting in Shinjurou’s stead (GD). It’s also implied that Kyoujurou is his senior, not his junior (C122). We also know it couldn’t have been that recent either, because of Muichirou’s established relationship with Tetsuido, his former swordsmith (C119). It’s implied that Muichirou asked for a lot of new swords, and Tetsuido would have had time to observe his wear and tear (that had to have been a lot for how many demons he must had gone through in only a two-month period). It’s not clear how often Muichirou has gone to the Swordsmith Village personally, but based on the falling maple leaves in the flashback, by guess is that he last saw Tetsuido in late 1914 (other seasonal indicators put the Swordsmith Village arc at around early~mid autumn, 1915, when Kanamori is taking over for Tetsuido on Muichirou’s newest sword request). So, this places Muichirou becoming a Pillar anytime between late 1913 and mid-1914. There’s no indication whether he or Iguro became a Pillar first, but since Iguro sees him a child and therefore somewhat sympathetically hopes he doesn’t die (FB2), I’d like to think Iguro was prior. The second fanbook also makes note that Muichirou hasn't been a Pillar very long so his impression of the others is more shallow, so this also makes it seem he was the most recent addition. We know for certain that Muichirou and Aoi were at the Final Selection at the same time (FB2). If we assume Aoi is the same age as Kanao, making her around 14~15 when she entered the Final Selection, and also meaning she spent 3~6 years as a Butterfly Mansion resident before taking part in the Final Selection. There is, again, the matter of what Muichirou was doing for at least 1.5~2 years before picking up the sword. Were his injuries really that severe? Was he comatose (or close enough to that state)? What I think is that, since his body “remembered the anger” and he worked hard enough at strengthening himself to cough up blood, he focused on physical conditioning and using a wooden blade before taking up a real sword, and the new bandages (and muscles) were due to intense physical training (C121).

Kanroji Mitsuri: As previously mentioned, failed matchmaking and starvation seems to have occurred in spring 1913 (C123), I’m assuming she passed the Final Selection by autumn-ish that year. Since the Pillar meeting in early 1915 (where she meets Tanjirou) doesn’t seem to be her first Pillar Meeting (C45~46), I’m assuming it was only her second one or third on (putting her first Pillar Meeting around spring or autumn 1914). No particular seasonal indicators stick out about her flashback to meeting Oyakata-sama, but his illness seems to have progressed to roughly the same as Muichirou remembers (C118, C124). Muichirou, however, probably met Oyakata-sama on multiple occasions before becoming a Pillar, but he might not have as clear a recollection of his face from when he was in recovery. There’s slightly more progression of the illness at the Pillar Meeting when Tanjirou meets Oyakata-sama (C46), but not a dramatic amount. Still, it is unclear who is the most recent Pillar, whether it is Mitsuri or Muichirou (we just know Iguro was before Mitsuri).

So. That spread I said is a lie? Because it made a nice wrap-up and that chapter was released well before the KnY manga even ended, I don’t blame Hirano-sensei or the editors for not catching it. Still, it’s a lie because Giyuu is saying those lines to Shinobu in early 1913, when four of those “nine” Pillars he mentions aren’t yet Pillars. *drops mic*

[doorsclosingslowly]

Would you be willing to give some director's commentary on the fic where Jesper is dead? I loved it so much, would love to hear about what went into some of the choices and scenes

Thank you! I’m excited about all the fics I publish but Another Dream About Shapeshifting is so dear to my heart and I guess the why’s gonna be super obvious as soon as I start rambling.

CN internalized ableism, suicidal ideation

Escape

The scene I thought up as soon as I read the prompt mashup. Kaz and Jesper, on the run from—nothing and everything, but mostly from Kaz’s feelings when he realizes he’s failed to help his bestie. Jesper’s death is a metaphor. This is a story about why it’s so hard to ask for and receive help while the pain’s still somewhat manageable.

He’s dealt with undiagnosed ADHD for as long as Kaz has known him, he’s never lived in a world that accommodates the way his brain works. Never had the support he needs. He’s never been at ease. When he breaks down (dies) it’s due to the same stress he’s suffered all along. Therefore: he didn’t appear any different, close to the edge. The breakdown whose details—distorted and literalized—guided this portrayal was going to the psych ward instead of killing myself because life was a ceaseless painful struggle (and then I got diagnosed as autistic and I’m getting care now but anyway)

Touchscreen

Kaz isn’t handling this well internally. He tells Jesper they’ll go drive because he knows things have to change or this will happen again, because he can’t admit he doesn’t want to let Jesper out of his sight, because he can’t articulate the guilt of overlooking how bad Jes was doing. Grandiose caring acts and silence, that’s Kaz. It’s illusory though to imagine you can always tell when people are at their breaking point: especially when they’ve been fighting forever, what from the outside is “normal” is already “extreme stress”. This theme will resurface in the beach scene.

Shopping centre

A filler but a fun one? By this scene I had decided on how to write post-death Jesper. I love body horror, but it’s not the vibe for this, so instead I went heavy on the synaesthesia and the flower eating, in a way alluding to the way Jesper’s processing and sensually enjoying the world around him again after it greyed out during the worst of his illness/stress/depression.

Supplies

More Kaz showing his stress, this time smoking relapse (by the way the reason why people in my fics tend to smoke Camels is due to an incredible song about how the Camel mascot’s face looks like a dick and balls). Kaz’s guilt shows back up, this time obliquely connecting Kaz’s pain after Jordie’s death with what could happen to Jesper’s friends and family if they found out they didn’t help Jesper.

Piss break

Filler. Bodily functions because I like the rootedness in the world and the body of these kinds of details. I don’t like driving and find the idea of Kaz Brekker: shitty slow driver funny. Plus, I imagine the Crows are all city creatures nowadays and don’t need licenses. Kaz drinks Monster energy drinks in memory of a fellow patient in the psych ward and also because I had the phrase “Kaz pounds a Monster” in one draft.

Texting

Jesper, not telling people what happened. just like he didn’t tell them he was struggling before. We’re back at another aspect of the main theme. The feeling of intruding into other people’s life if you ask for help that you can already guess will need to be substantial, and they’re all dealing with their own important issues and they’re just somehow better at coping than you. Then, trying to shield people from your pain because you know they’ll feel responsible. They’d feel responsible if they knew how long they have seen—but not *seen*--you struggle. Of course Jesper can’t tell his Da.

Doctors

I went to doctors and therapists and psychologists multiple times over more than a decade, and some of them helped sometimes but they there’d be something I’d need to organize by myself, calls I’d need to make, referrals I’d need to seek out, and I was too ill and stressed to do that while at the same time keeping my daily life in any way running. So I prioritized. Avoided the certain, immediate consequences of not showing up to classes or work. Until I couldn’t do that anymore, either.

Flat

Another filler for pacing reasons. “Apparently, being dead is just as much work as being alive, and Jesper wasn’t even good enough not to fuck that one up.” The external pressures don’t stop, even when you break down, another reason why Kaz’s panicked decision to take Jesper away from it all does actually help. The genital vore joke is because serious stories need jokes and because I like bringing up the fact that flowers are genitals.

Beach

Key scene. Kaz’s monologue about the way Jordie drowned in plain sight, fighting for life so hard he couldn’t shout, is paralleling Jesper’s trying to manage work and uni and looking like a neurotypical person so hard he’d got no strength or brainpower left to ask for help from doctors or friends and family, and they can’t see he’s sinking because he just looks like normal old Jesper. Jesper’s starting to affect the environment now, plants growing from his footsteps, partially because do you remember the forest god in Princess Mononoke?? that ruled so hard and partially because I wanted to show him growing stranger because there is no way to return to the old you after that kind of a breakdown.

James bond

None of the grand questions get resolved. Guilt. Help. The future. Instead, Kaz and Jesper indulge in the small solution they’ve found, moments when it’s fun to be alive. They’re making up spy stories because I was listening to the Kill James Bond podcast in the time period when I wrote this, very funny do recommend.

[ouyangzizhensdad]

Hey, feel free to ignore this, but I'd love to hear your grievances against Bridgerton? I saw some of the fashion posts you rbed, but I'm especially intrigued by the "fails on all aspects" parts? Thanks!

Hi there,

There is honestly so much that could be said and analysed in finer points but the short version of it is just that it is a bad story wrapped in the glitz of high production value but surprisingly little good technical execution despite all the money shoveled at it. Bridgerton is the type of show where the petty, mean side of me would delight in a detailed and cutthroat list of all of its flaws but for which I do not care enough to be actually invested in hating it. It’s just a thing to be puzzled and petty about: people think Bridgerton is good. Wild.

Now let me first say that I have no inherent problems with anachronistic creative choices, or the idea of a contemporary take on period dramas. After all, all period dramas are inevitably told through a contemporary lens, to different degrees. It’s also not like they were the first big production to do it either: has everyone just forgot about The Great Gatsby? or tumblr’s favourite Hamilton? I honestly think this kind of mixing already has so many cool outcomes when it comes to music (like this, this or this and this), I do believe we could get something really interesting out of creative anachronism in mainstream visual media. I’m also more forgiving with newer forms of experimentation, because sometimes new ideas need to be worked out before they reach their full potential. But the way Bridgerton does it.... so clearly lacks a clear creative vision and dedication to the concept imo that it makes it harder to excuse the ways it fails since the failures seem to originate from that lack of vision and dedication to storytelling. For instance, there is seemingly no logic as to when the diegetic music will be an instrumental cover of a contemporary song or not--which does not even broach the topic of how bad those ‘classical music’ arrangements for modern songs were? Honestly embarrassing how lazy those arrangements were: hire a good composer (or any at all), you cowards. And then the costumes... once again, a lack of internal logic seems to permeate the choices presented in addition to a lack of care in its execution: so many of the dresses are ill-fitted, the characterisation through the outfits were all over the place (like the mom who wore a silhouette that no one else wore and had no basis in any fashion of the era) and so many of the fabrics/jewellery looked the opposite of expensive (kind of looked like a lot of it was polyester and plastic tbh), which is sort of a problem when you are trying to sell the fantasy of "The lives of the rich and famous but make it regency” imo although I suppose a portion of the audience just doesn’t notice lmao. Honestly I find that a lot of ‘costume historians’ who made video essays on Bridgerton were too nice with the show, perhaps in order not to come off as seeming to hate the costumes on the basis of them not being historically accurate, and as a result were way too forgiving imo. And this lack of real creative vision is also something we see in the cinematography and direction which.... seems often confused about the way it wants to make things feel fantastical and ends up dropping the ball on the execution of these meant-to-be extravagant or over-the-top shots.

But, again, the cinematography is just... middling at best, made only worse by the editing which is just plain bad. I guess you’ll have to just take me on my word on this because I am not willing to do an autopsy of all I find off about it, but lord jesus mary and joseph it was painful to watch at certain moments.

Bridgerton is not the first show to do colourblind casting, although I’d say it deserves recognition for fucking it up for no reason at all. Like, sure there are criticisms to be had about how it remains still a very white story that falls into certain tropes wrt darker skin characters or the glaring lack of south asian representation considering what the contemporary UK looks like, etc. but what I’m gesturing at is the totally unnecessary but mind-boggling “royal love solved racism” twist we get in the, what, fourth episode? (Broey Deschannel covered the topic quite well imo) The audience would have accepted that there were no in-world explanation for the colourblind version of the already-made fantastical regency that had them dancing to Ariana Grande songs. The colourblindness, racism-free society would have just been another aspirational aspect. They literally did not need to do this.

Honestly I don’t feel like I need to get into why the story itself is not very good or well-executed since it feels very obvious. I won’t begrudge on principle the show for using well-worn tropes and common-to-the-point-of-farce character archetypes, but I have to object to the way it uses them and in the service of what story. And not to make myself in a plot-hole-ding kind of person-who-has-thoughts-about-media, but this is not a story that holds up well to scrutiny or logic, let’s say. And any type of social or political commentary it tried to include was dumb to the point of farce: the Feminist Character Who Wants to Read not Go Dance was just.... a masterclass in bad, embarrassing writing. I am surprised at how unlikeable and boring the vast majority of the characters were, but perhaps less surprised at how a series that planned on having multiple seasons already sold the twist of Lady Whistleblow’s identity at the end of the first season, for what seemed to be no narrative reason at all. That being said, I have to give credit where it’s due and acknowledge that there is a skill in being able to produce stories that get extremely popular and well-loved.

(Do I need to mention the performances? So many underwhelming or embarrassing performances. It’s hard to tell sometimes whether it’s the actors themselves or the directing that’s the issue, or a mixture of both, but.... oof).

I guess in the end Bridgerton’s biggest transgression is it sits for me in the uncomfortable middle where it is neither trashy or campy fun nor is it an interesting work of fiction. Differently put, it is simply neither good nor fun.

[dahlia-coccinea]

Wuthering Heights - Chapter 3

This is a somewhat difficult chapter to discuss fully in a single post. It introduces so many important themes and has the first glimpse of the story of the earlier inhabitants of the Heights. Sorry if this is too long - I've tried to keep my comments concise. It is difficult for me to not mention every tiny detail I like lol 

We learn that Zillah has worked at the house a year or two and is aware that Catherine’s old room is off-limits but seems to know little else. It shows that despite the emotional unloading that Heathcliff does to Nelly he is very reserved about all that has happened in the past. 

It seems the house has been ruled by chaos for years and there is an instinctual need for the inhabits to defend themselves against it. We see this when Lockwood first climbs into the box bed and closes the doors he says he “felt secure against the vigilance of Heathcliff, and every one else.” The need to shut out the world and crawling into small spaces is repeated later in this chapter with Catherine's diary details how, with Heathcliff, in an attempt to avoid the cruelty of Hindley and Frances “made ourselves as snug as our means allowed in the arch of the dresser,” and closed off the world by fastening their pinafores together. 

We get some other interesting glimpses of Catherine and Heathcliff early friendship. It is quite popular to say that Heathcliff is Catherine’s whip and he is a blank slate for her, but I think this diary entry is another example of their oddly egalitarian relationship. First, we have this scene of Catherine lashing out against their ill-treatment:

I took my dingy volume by the scroop, and hurled it into the dog-kennel, vowing I hated a good book. Heathcliff kicked his to the same place. Then there was a hubbub! 

That Heathcliff swiftly follows her lead certainly shows a reciprocation of the other’s attitude and worldview - or simply that if one is going to get in trouble then the other will follow suit. Still, I do hold that he doesn’t just mimic her or do as she wishes. We get a number of examples that show neither play a clear leader in their antics with one happening shortly after this incident. Catherine's diary continues: 

I have got the time on with writing for twenty minutes; but my companion is impatient, and proposes that we should appropriate the dairywoman’s cloak, and have a scamper on the moors, under its shelter. A pleasant suggestion—and then, if the surly old man come in, he may believe his prophecy verified—we cannot be damper, or colder, in the rain than we are here.

Here Heathcliff takes the lead in coming up with more plans to get further into trouble and it seems Catherine is more than pleased to go along with it. 

There are other, now iconic, details of Catherine’s character in this chapter. Such as this description of the box bed from Lockwood:

The ledge, where I placed my candle, had a few mildewed books piled up in one corner; and it was covered with writing scratched on the paint. This writing, however, was nothing but a name repeated in all kinds of characters, large and small—Catherine Earnshaw, here and there varied to Catherine Heathcliff, and then again to Catherine Linton.

And later:

Catherine’s library was select, and its state of dilapidation proved it to have been well used, though not altogether for a legitimate purpose: scarcely one chapter had escaped a pen-and-ink commentary—at least the appearance of one—covering every morsel of blank that the printer had left. Some were detached sentences; other parts took the form of a regular diary, scrawled in an unformed, childish hand. At the top of an extra page (quite a treasure, probably, when first lighted on) I was greatly amused to behold an excellent caricature of my friend Joseph,—rudely, yet powerfully sketched. An immediate interest kindled within me for the unknown Catherine, and I began forthwith to decipher her faded hieroglyphics.

Catherine holed up in the box bed and writing on every spare bit of paper she can get her hands on and scratching her name in the paint, tell of someone who has no one to talk to. She’s alone and is compelled to at least make sense of herself with ink and paper. Nelly does say later on that “there was not a soul else that she might fashion into an adviser” beside Nelly herself. Which is a poor adviser, considering how Nelly disliked her throughout her childhood. 

Adding to Catherine’s loneliness is the endless abuse of Heathcliff and herself, at the hands of seemingly everyone in the house. In this short excerpt from her diary, we are told Hindley’s treatment of Heathcliff is “atrocious,” and that now he is the new master they are no longer allowed to play, and “a mere titter is sufficient to send us into corners.” Heathcliff has his hair pulled by Frances, Catherine’s ears are boxed by Joseph and they’re both berated and verbally punished by him. Finally Hindley “seizing one of us by the collar, and the other by the arm, hurled both into the back-kitchen” where she says that outside on the moors “cannot be damper, or colder.” Upon their return and proceeding punishment she says she’s cried until her head ached. Consistent with what we later hear her tell Nelly, that Heathcliff’s miseries are her own, it is not her punishment or ill-treatment that makes her so upset but the casting out of Heathcliff. She writes: 

“Poor Heathcliff! Hindley calls him a vagabond, and won’t let him sit with us, nor eat with us any more; and, he says, he and I must not play together, and threatens to turn him out of the house if we break his orders. He has been blaming our father (how dared he?) for treating H. too liberally; and swears he will reduce him to his right place—”

Critics that suggest Catherine is glassy-eyed and naive idealist really gloss over these excerpts in my opinion. There is a constant downplaying of her abuse compared to the other characters among those that seemingly think she’s the only character with moral agency and therefore the cause of all problems in the story. 

I love how strange the encounter that Lockwood has with the book “Seventy Times Seven, and the First of the Seventy-First,” and the following dream is when first reading Wuthering Heights. Hardly anything in WH is superfluous and when rereading it this makes much more sense. This is quite an interesting segue into meeting Catherine’s ghost, and later learning more of her life. Forgiveness is such an important aspect in the book and will come up many times. Notably, while on her deathbed, Catherine tells Heathcliff she has forgiven him and that he should forgive her. 

I think it is amusing and also very interesting how in Lockwood’s dream he’s walking with Joseph (in itself is very metaphorical) and Joseph tells him he should have brought a “pilgrim’s staff” and that Joseph’s staff is really just a “heavy-headed cudgel.”

It’s unsurprising the appearance of Catherine’s ghost is so iconic. It’s impossible to discern if it is merely Lockwood’s dream or him actually encountering her spirit. There are details about her that Lockwood, at this point, does not yet know. Still, he does make many attempts to logically explain what happens. Either way, the imagery of the scene is both frightening and tragic. 

We get some really interesting glimpses of Heathcliff’s character in this scene. Normally he is very collected and if his emotions are out of control they tend towards anger, but here we see him truly terrified and unable to maintain composure after finding Lockwood in the room.

Heathcliff stood near the entrance, in his shirt and trousers; with a candle dripping over his fingers, and his face as white as the wall behind him. The first creak of the oak startled him like an electric shock: the light leaped from his hold to a distance of some feet, and his agitation was so extreme, that he could hardly pick it up.

Even after Lockwood identifies himself Heathcliff is said to have found it “impossible to hold it [the candle] steady” and was “crushing his nails into his palms, and grinding his teeth to subdue the maxillary convulsions.” It is interesting that Heathcliff doesn’t become so angry that he throws Lockwood out. It’s another oddly humanizing moment for him. An overly dramatic author would likely have him behave like a complete monster, but he instead tells him to finish the night there and not to scream like that again. This is a scene that I wish we could have some perspective from Heathcliff. Not only is he startled by a noise coming from Catherine’s old room but then Lockwood adds to his distress by rambling about Catherine saying:

And that minx, Catherine Linton, or Earnshaw, or however she was called—she must have been a changeling—wicked little soul! She told me she had been walking the earth these twenty years: a just punishment for her mortal transgressions, I’ve no doubt!

This and Lockwood’s further talk which makes it apparent he has snooped and glimpsed a little bit of Catherine’s and Heathcliff’s past, does set Heathcliff off: 

“What can you mean by talking in this way to me!” thundered Heathcliff with savage vehemence. “How—how dare you, under my roof?—God! he’s mad to speak so!” And he struck his forehead with rage.

Lockwood doesn’t quite understand this reaction saying:

I did not know whether to resent this language or pursue my explanation; but he seemed so powerfully affected that I took pity and proceeded with my dreams; affirming I had never heard the appellation of “Catherine Linton” before, but reading it often over produced an impression which personified itself when I had no longer my imagination under control. Heathcliff gradually fell back into the shelter of the bed, as I spoke; finally sitting down almost concealed behind it. I guessed, however, by his irregular and intercepted breathing, that he struggled to vanquish an excess of violent emotion. 

And later when watching Heathcliff call for Cathy through the window:

There was such anguish in the gush of grief that accompanied this raving, that my compassion made me overlook its folly, and I drew off, half angry to have listened at all, and vexed at having related my ridiculous nightmare, since it produced that agony; though why was beyond my comprehension. 

At one point Lockwood also believes Heathcliff to be “dashing a tear from his eyes” during their conversation. Of course, he is confused because he doesn’t know that one of Heathcliff’s few fixations has been looking for signs of Catherine for the last 17ish years. 

I’ve mentioned this before, but something that doesn’t happen in the book because Heathcliff never narrates it, but I think if someone retold the story or made a film adaptation it could be interesting to explore, is how Heathcliff came to find Catherine’s writing on the wall. She must have written it shortly before she talks to Nelly since she’s already considering marrying Linton, and Heathcliff must still be living at the Heights since his name is there also. When Heathcliff returns three years later we know that he takes over Catherine’s old room so really he should have discovered it the first night there, probably after having visited the Grange. 

@astrangechoiceoffavourites has mentioned this in one their posts, but another great aspect of the book is the background happenings that are very realistic for the time and particularly farm life. Cats and dogs roam about, Heathcliff mentions that the house goes to bed at “nine in winter, and rise at four,” and there are mentions of chores, etc. The details create a realistic backdrop and ground the characters in reality. I feel like the novel is never overly sentimental because of this and it really strengthens it. 

After Heathcliff comes down to the kitchen where the household is starting their day, we are instantly reminded how terrible Heathcliff can be when he swears at and threatens to hit Cathy for not making herself useful and working for her keep. Ironically, he tells her, “You shall pay me for the plague of having you eternally in my sight,” when, as I’ve mentioned before he has her sit at the dining table with everyone else. He also could just send her away if he despises her so much. 

I see a lot of similarity between the glimpse we get of Catherine Earnshaw from her diary and the current situation Cathy Heathcliff is in. Their situations are certainly different but both are in a similar state of abuse and neglect and both are quite self-possessed and antagonistic towards those that try to control them. They also are associated with books (Catherine filling them up with writing and Cathy reading) and have an affinity for animals. In this chapter it is mentioned that while Cathy is reading she has “to push away a dog, now and then, that snoozled its nose overforwardly into her face.” There are other similar encounters, such as when the dogs at the Heights come to greet Catherine Earnshaw upon her return from the Lintons. 

I’m sure I’m forgetting points I want to make in these posts. I’ll probably to a larger summary after I complete the book and try to tie together some of the ideas I’ve mentioned. Its also difficult because I keep wanting to bring up things that happen later in the book and I want to make a note of it now - but I’m also trying to reread as impartially as possible. Which is really an impossible task lol. 

@astrangechoiceoffavourites

[emmakillianfan]

A Christmas Story for You

To @whimsicallyenchantedrose​ for Christmas. While I haven’t had as much time for it as I had hoped, I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas and enjoy this little story that kind of got away from me. Merry Christmas and a very happy new year to you!

Due to illness and post graduate studies I’m a bit rusty on the fanfiction story writing, but I hope you enjoy it. I have loved the opportunity to be your secret santa. As I said from the beginning, I’m a big fan of your writing.

Getting to Know You at Christmas

Emma Swan hated to mingle at these social events her parents held each year as a welcome to the holiday season. Her mother easily socialized with people, remembering names and details of each person’s life in the coastal town of Storybrooke, Maine. Her father was just as gregarious, shaking hands and clapping older gentlemen on the back as the mused over details of long-ago exchanges and funny occurrences that she never quite could understand. She liked people, even had friends. But there was something missing for her from the conversations and laughter that seemed to lift over the swell of Christmas carols and the flashes of lights from the tree and cameras snapping shots of huddled groups of friends, family, and compatriots.

“Your mother is worried about you,” Ruby Lucas-Gale said with a knowing smile as Emma reached for another mini pizza and shoved it in whole. “You don’t look happy.”

Keeping her lips sealed, Emma shot her friend a plastered smile and shrug.

“You could at least move away from the bar. She’s going to think this is a re-do of last year’s party where you went to bed with a bottle of tequila under each arm after telling everyone that you were sleeping until the new year.”

“I should have kept that promise,” Emma groused, giving a slight wave when her mother looked at her pleadingly. “I could have avoided the Christmas Karaoke party at Victor’s, the cookie exchange at your grandmother’s, and let’s not forget the pot luck at Regina and Robin’s where I was shamed for bringing your grandmother’s frozen lasagna as my contribution. Not only had Regina made one, but I didn’t even realize it was still frozen.”

“You brought a pie too,” Ruby reminded her. “I don’t remember anyone noting that was store bought.”

“I ate it in the car working up the nerve to go inside because my mother set me up on a date. Who does that? Blind dates on Christmas?”

“She means well,” Ruby added consolingly, patting her hands down her red dress that seemed to creep up her toned thighs each time she moved. “And Graham was…”

Emma held up one hand in protest. “Don’t defend him. First he was your ex. He was nice but a little or more than a little too intense with his whole getting back to nature and communing with animals thing. My mother has horrible taste in men for me. For a woman who believes in fairy tales and calls my father her prince charming, I don’t think she would survive a day on Tinder.” It had been the long running commentary at the parties that somewhere in the crowd was there to be set up with Emma. Some who did not partake in the dancing or singing along around the piano would try to guess who it was going to be this year. Bets were currently on about a gawky man with a green tie who was currently chatting up Zelena Mills in the corner.

“Just remember she means well.” Linking arms with Emma, Ruby pulled her friend out onto the makeshift dance floor and began to sway her hips to the beat of a modern Christmas tune that Emma knew was by some current pop singer. “So I’m guessing your next date is in here somewhere. Where oh where could he be?”

“You are annoying,” Emma pouted, folding her arms over her chest yet still swaying a bit to the up-tempo beat. “I thought you had money that guy in the green tie.” He was the typical type her mother would love to see her date. She could hear the school teacher turned public servant now telling her how she just knew he was the kind of guy she would love to get to know.

“Possibility,” Ruby said, tapping her bright red lips in mock thoughtfulness. “What about Archie?” He’s been hanging around over in that corner in a conversation with Regina and Robin for a little bit now. Seems to look over here every once in a while.”

“Everyone is looking at you, Ruby,” Emma hissed in exasperation. You are showing more skin that is advisable with the temperature and you’re currently bumping and grinding to Christmas tunes.”

“Maybe he’s setting up some pre-marital counseling for them. Okay…one of the guys from the mines? Leroy?”

“That’s a tad incestuous since they are practically my uncles.” Emma scanned the crowd to see her father and mother in conversation over by the French doors leading out to the patio that had been sprayed with twinkle lights and that included a new audio system he had spent the day fiddling with as her younger brother tried out the microphones in his own rendition of some sort of heavy metal meets classic rock rendition of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He was just 14 and still at that awkward stage, suffering the embarrassment of parents who doted and friends who loved to point that out to him. Her own son idolized him though. “I’m thinking he’s a no show. My mom is in her plotting mode. Look at the way she’s talking to my dad.”

Sure enough her parents were furtively whispering, her mother holding up a hand to hide her mouth as though nobody would notice. It would be debated for years to come which of the two women noticed him first though. A slender, tall man with piercing blue eyes and sardonic smile seemed to rush up to her parents and hug them in turn. Even though Emma couldn’t make out the words, her father gave the man his double shoulder clap before spinning him about to the crowd and pointing out a few people.

“Maybe him,” Ruby said, lifting onto the balls of her feet even higher than her shoes allowed and balancing herself against Emma. “He’s a hottie.”

“Doubtful,” Emma noted, swinging her gaze across the room to the man in the green tie who was now eating a banana and doing nothing for his resemblance to a simian creature as Ruby had declared. “I don’t have that sort of luck. My mother doesn’t…” She never got to finish the sentence when she noted who had just entered the party and made a line straight toward greeting her parents. Neal…the once love of her life turned affection into weapons and her self confidence into a puddle of what if. She was better now, but the sight of him seemed to jangle her nerves in a way that made her doubt her recovery. They managed to co-parent their son with little trouble, but he wasn’t one she wanted to see socially. The fact he always had a date on his arm just added to her discomfort.

Ruby was one of the few people who understood. Twirling her in the direction of the mystery man who was now noshing on a few of the crisp veggies without bothering to dip them into the various sauces, Ruby leaned in and whispered loudly in Emma’s ear. “Don’t question it. Just go introduce yourself. It’ll be less awkward that way.”

Emma would forever question the logic in that, but for the moment felt her feet begin to move one after the other and in no time she was standing in front of him. His eyes were even more striking up close and she caught a whiff of his cologne that was a spicey scent that she would later blame for her mouth watering and her words feeling like they slid off her tongue without regard to custom or reason.

“Emma,” she said by way of invitation. Her smile was a little forced and her hand held out in mid air a beat too long as he shoved a celery stick in his mouth and raised his own in greeting. “I guess my parents probably told you that.”

“Your parents?” he repeated, the smiled he was giving her lifted higher on the right side of his face as did his right eyebrow. He seemed to be surprised by her, almost as if he was not expecting the conversation. That irritated her a bit.

She gave a wave over her shoulder to where they stood by the fireplace. “Mary Margaret and David. The Nolans. You were just talking to them.”

“Aye, David and my older brother went to school together back in the day. They invited me to…”

She brushed off his explanation. “No, I get it. It’s so them. They don’t think I have any skills in that area at all. Apparently, they have given up on finding someone local.” She shrugged and when he seemed he wasn’t going to answer, she reached across and grabbed a carrot stick. Placing it in her mouth she made a face and immediately removed it. “Rabbit food.”

“You do know how to flatter man, love. I’m not sure I would want to be just one of the multitudes.” His smile was wider as he watched her, his questions about her easy and slick as she tried to explain that her parents were young when she was born and waited nearly two decades before their miracle child was born. He seemed to know nothing about her, which was odd for a set up. Maybe he was just being polite.

“So you’re not from around here,” she asked when he paused to take a drink. Even over the rim of the cup his eyebrows raised again. “I’m the sheriff. I sort of notice things like accents. I do sort of like accents like yours. Different than other guys around here.”

“Boston by way of London,” Killian answered. “And you, love? Always a resident of this seafaring town?”

“Most all my life,” she admitted, leaving out a few pit stops along the way. “Mom probably told you that the best place to take me for a dinner date is Granny’s. She loves it there, plus Granny will spy on us and give her updates every few minutes. I’m more into this Italian place near the docks. Awesome seafood and pasta. And their lasagna isn’t frozen. It’s more date like, I think. You know, checked table clothes, drippy candles, wine, and all that.”

“A classic romantic?” he asked, clearly amused.

“Well, I mean if we have to go out, it makes sense to go someplace like that.” She held out her hand and gestured to his phone. “I’ll give you my number in case mom hasn’t already. A date is a date, but might as well get a good meal out of it.”

“By all means,” he said, handing her the latest device on the market. She noted that he did everything with his right hand, his left staying next to his side and covered in a black glove. She was about to mention it when she heard her father’s voice and laughter.

“You’ve met our Emma,” David said, joining the duo at the table and placing one hand under Emma’s elbow. “Our daughter can be a bit blunt. I hope she hasn’t insulted you or made you change your mind.”

“Dad,” Emma said, swatting him playfully.

“She’s been absolutely brilliant,” Killian answered, shoving his phone in his pocket. “By the way, love, name’s Killian Jones. I don’t believe I properly introduced myself.”

David nodded knowingly. “Killian is here to work with your mother on her bid for the mayor’s office. He’s a wiz when it comes to all things in local politics. Very highly recommended.”

“Work for mom?” Emma asked weakly, trying to ignore the not quite so humble smile that played about Killian’s mouth. “You mean he’s not…”

“Of course, Regina is taking time off to plan her wedding and then get settled into married life. She recommended Killian to run your mom’s campaign since Archie is considering and Mal has already announced. Anyway, it is good you met. Killian’s going to need to talk to you about your role in promoting our family. Maybe you can meet up at Granny’s later this week.” David glanced around the room and gripped his daughter’s arm harder. “I wanted to introduce you to someone I met when I was buying supplies for the farm. His name is Walsh.”

Emma stammered a bit, her face turning pink as Killian continued to hold that smile that showed both bemusement and cockiness. “Walsh…”

“Go ahead, love,” Killian said. “We’ll finish our conversation at this Granny’s or perhaps you might like the atmosphere.”

Emma was sure that her face was bright red as his eyebrows lifted up and down in a way that made her wonder just what lascivious thoughts were rolling around in that head of his. She felt those blue eyes on her as her father made another excuse and led her over to the man in the green tie who was smiling nervously at her and oblivious to her discomfort and not so secret looks over at Killian Jones.

She nodded appropriately and even asked a few questions about Walsh and his furniture design business. Her own rental was outfitted with castoffs and hand me downs that had seemed comfortable and worn at the time. He was telling her why it was important to have pieces that spoke of her uniqueness and character. At least that was what she heard on the occasions she bothered to listen and didn’t internalize the flinches and groans as her parents introduced Killian Jones to every person in the room. She wasn’t pleased to see most of the single women giggling and flashing him flirtatious smiles that he easily returned. There was no need to be jealous, but still the emotion was creeping up her spine as she watched him actually kiss Ruby’s hand like something out of a novel.

“I could show you sometime,” Walsh interrupted. She jumped at being caught unaware and repeated the words back to him in hopes of making some sense of the situation. “My shop. I have some really beautiful pieces I think you would like.”

“Well, if I am ever in the market,” she said, realizing that he was holding out a business card with his personal number written on the back. “Have you met August and his father Marco. They do some of the most beautiful woodwork you have ever seen. Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~

“We were right about the monkey guy,” Ruby said defeatedly, kicking off her shoes and reclining on the bed in Emma’s childhood bedroom. The room didn’t quite do justice to the angsty teen she had been, but still boasted teen idol posters of boy bands and even the dollhouse brought by Santa one year. “But that other guy was cute and quite the charmer. Even I was about to hit on him. I had such high hopes for your mother.”

Emma flinched as she unclipped her hair and left it to fall around her shoulders in soft waves. “Yeah, so he’s not my set up of the year. Yet I asked him out, sort of. I don’t know. I made a fool out of myself.”

“He didn’t seem too offended,” Ruby suggested. “I mean I was distracted once Dorothy agreed to dance but every time I looked in his direction he was looking in yours. And I might add that was pretty often.”

“Right, he was probably trying to figure out what was wrong with me.” Emma was about to bemoan her embarrassed state a little more when her phone dinged out one and then another text message. She reached over to grab it and groaned with the realization. It was Killian. Ruby immediately wanted to know what he had to say and proceeded to inspect the picture he sent just in case Emma was confused if he was the guy in the green tie or not.

“Emma, you might have had a rough start, but he’s hot. And he’s clearly interested. Why else would he text?” Passing the phone back, she shrugged. “And let’s face it, you and commitment aren’t that strong of allies. He’s from out of town. Mary Margaret said he travels all over to do these little campaigns. I’m seeing excellent fling material.”

The text was taunting her, a coy comment about Italian restaurants and then a reminder of who he was with the picture. “I should answer him. I mean it would be rude not to answer, right?”

“Your mother would say not to be rude to anyone, but I’m telling you there is no reason to be rude to that guy.” Ruby reached over and grabbed a 10 year old magazine from the table, clearly bored with the conversation. “But I mean it is up to you. Text him. Don’t text him. Your choice.” Ruby flipped the pages casually, bringing up what dresses Regina was going to want them to wear at her wedding. She insisted that red wouldn’t be that garish at a Christmas event. It wasn’t until Emma refused to correct her that Ruby even looked over cautiously. “You haven’t texted him?”

“I was thinking about it.”

“You like him, don’t you?” Ruby propped herself onto one elbow. “It’s written all over your face.”

Emma shoved the phone back in her bag and let her head loll against the mattress as she sat cross legged on the floor. She rarely was in this room now, but somehow it felt comfortable and almost nostalgic to discuss dating and boys with her friend just down the hall from her parents. At least she wasn’t practicing writing his name with hers or anything like that. “I don’t get crushes.”

“You’re much too tough for that.”

Emma wasn’t exactly wrong about her aversion to crushes. She was in her twenties and already sheriff of the small coastal town. She wore practical boots or sneakers more than heels and her long hair had not seen princess curls in months. This event at her parents was the first time she’d worn a dress except to church. “If I did, and I’m not saying I do, what difference does it make. I’m a grown woman, mother of a 10 year old, and I have a career. I’m hardly going to make cootie catchers and see if his name comes up after saying some horrible rhyme.”

Ruby nodded thoughtfully and went back to the magazine. “Not to mention horribly ugly and boring. I don’t know how I put up with you.”

“You are going to pay for that one, Ruby,” Emma laughed, tossing a pillow and joining in as Ruby cackled with laughter. They were both laughing so hard that Emma barely heard the familiar chirp of her phone ringing. Holding up a hand to silence her friend, she shushed her and reached for it. She only hoped she sounded less winded than she felt as she said her own name and waited for the response.

“I hope I didn’t call to late,” a male English accent sounded on the other end. Even without seeing him in person, she could already picture that bemused smirk and light in his eyes. “I meant to check back with you, love, but time got away from me and then you were gone.”

“Oh um…good…I mean great…I mean you didn’t call too late,” Emma gestured wildly at her friend who was making choking signs in response to her word vomit. “But why did you call?”

“Well, love, you did give me your number,” he reminded her. “I tried texting, but didn’t get a response. I thought perhaps you were screening, but I had to give it a shot. I was hoping you might have a bit of time for me tomorrow – breakfast perhaps? I know you said you preferred that little Italian place, but I have never known such an establishment to be open very early. Perhaps that Granny’s, you spoke of? We could save the Italian place for our dinner date. I have been craving some ravioli lately.”

“Date?” Emma stammered, ignoring the way that Ruby looked ready to pounce. “I…”

“You did sort of ask me out and I must say it was a masterful way to do so. I would love to accompany you for dinner, Emma. But first we have a bit of business to discuss about your mother’s campaign. Breakfast then? 8 a.m.? Granny’s?”

“I’ll be there,” she answered dully as he spoke politely for a moment about thanking her for her time.

~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~

Emma’s father had not gotten the memo that she was going out for breakfast, as he was flipping pancakes onto a large plate as she descended the stairs, handed her son his permission slip for the field trip, and dodged the family’s collie that seemed to be underfoot. Her mother showed no signs of worry as she sipped her morning coffee and reminded Emma to wear a scarf and hat as she consoled her husband that there were not too many pancakes and Emma wouldn’t have eaten them all anyway.

She pulled her yellow bug up in front of the diner, taking the last of the spots at 8:05 a.m. That was early for her and not a big worry that she was late for meeting with Killian. That was until she walked in, kicked a bit of the snow off her boots (the black ones with a heel that were in her old closet and could not be described as practical – don’t judge), and spied Killian at one of the booths talking to Tink. The bubbly blonde was petite and perfect, a face and voice like a cherub in a painting. Every year she had the solo at the church choir’s Christmas Eve performance and every year people wiped away tears at her beautiful rendition. She didn’t look very angelic as she perched on the edge of her seat and leaned forward to talk animatedly with Killian. Her smile flashing at him and even an occasional stroke of his arm with her hand to emphasize a point. Even in the 90 seconds she had been standing there kicking her boots and unwinding the mile long scarf from her mother, she had watched the waitress stop by and lean across the table to give Killian quite the view down her shirt.

Ruby must have noticed too, as she left her spot behind the counter and fluffed Emma’s hair with an encouraging nod and a teasing note that Emma was wearing lip gloss. Spinning her with one hand on her shoulder, Ruby sort of nudged her in the direction of the booth with a hissed reminder to smile.

“Killian,” Emma said, ignoring the pout from Tink, whose real name was Isabella but didn’t want to be confused with the town librarian, Belle, “sorry I’m late.”

“Don’t trouble yourself, love,” he said, scooting out to stand as she arrived. “I was going over a few notes for the kick off and Tink here was catching me up on some of the ideocracies that make small town politics so fun.”

Emma flashed a quick smile at her childhood friend, watching her slink out of the booth and tell Killian she was in the town directory if he wanted to call. He did not follow her with his eyes as she sashayed toward the door, nor did he smirk like Emma wanted to do when Ruby called after Tink to tell her that she still owed for her morning tea. It wasn’t that she disliked Tink, but there was that feeling that made her feel ill when she saw her flirting with Killian.

He gestured for her to sit down a simple glance toward the counter sent the waitress scrambling to bring them menus and take their orders. Or maybe it was just his order, as he had to call her back to get Emma’s. Despite his seemingly healthy eating style the night before, he matched her order of a hot chocolate with whipped cream and cinnamon. Granny had even fancied it up with chocolate shavings.

His questions were easy at first, wanting to know about her childhood and then her job. While a few were personal, he did not seem to be prying. She even managed to ask him a few and he offered some answers of his own without objecting too loudly and then quickly getting them back on track. She learned of his naval experience that paid for his education and how he had become involved in the campaigns and politics of small cities and his love of the ocean and aged rum.

“So is your position as sheriff an elected one?” he asked, casually resting back in the vinyl seat across from her.

She was taking two sips to his one when she noticed the way he smiled as he watched her. Instinctively she raised her hand up to swipe at the whipped cream that might have gathered on her nose but found none. “What?” she asked in exasperation. “Did I make a mess?”

“No, I am simply enjoying watching you share your experiences as sheriff. Your passion for it shines on your face, love.”

She knew she was probably blushing and rolled her fork through the home fries as a distraction.

~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~

For the next few days they saw each other often. There was the announcement of her mother’s candidacy where she helped place signage. She ran into him when she went to inspect a license of one of the vendors at the skating rink and ended up sharing a drink and conversation. While pondering which type of creamer to buy, he popped up out of no where and offered a suggestion. He was even there when the church choir had a rehearsal, claiming he was talking to some potential volunteers. He did apologize for that when the choir director called Emma out for missing two of her cues in a row because she was watching him, in the words of Regina, make doe eyes at her and silently flirt.

In the mean time, her mother had been talking up Walsh’s skills in design and potential as a date for Emma. There was now a gaping hole in the living room at the farm house where her mother was having him design a custom entertainment center. Her brother was already complaining that the television on the floor was not the greatest idea. Emma tried to explain Walsh wasn’t her type, but her mother wasn’t hearing it and was asking when she was seeing him again. Given that she had not saved his number and had mutually agreed with him that they weren’t really each other’s type it seemed unlikely. However, Mary Margaret was so cutely sure she had done well this year that Emma hadn’t the heart to tell her.

One morning over doughnuts at the station her mother read the speech Killian had written for her campaign and asked her daughter for feedback. Emma offered a few remarks as the woman adjusted the clutter on her father’s desk.

“I think he’s handsome,” her mother said at one point. “Kinda has that mysterious look to him.”

“Who?” Emma asked distractedly. “Dad?”

It was the pronoun game.

“No, I was talking about…” The phone ringing cut off what Emma was sure was a pep talk about Walsh. The conversation was left unfinished as Emma went to investigate the case of the missing trash can lids. Spoiler: some of the kids were using them for sledding.

It was a full two days later before she saw Killian again. Granted he had texted a few times and called her “by accident” when he claimed he had meant to call her mother to discuss strategy. He was humming a tune and scrolling through his tablet when she and her son, Henry, spotted him inside the library. Apparently, he had set up shop in the corner and had everything but a receptionist there to greet visitors. Her son, who had heard his name a few times from his grandparents, pointed him out in a totally obvious way that made Emma want to crawl under the table. Somehow she managed to take a few steps closer and do more than the wave she originally planned.

“Nice office,” she said of the table he had commandeered. “Quiet I guess.”

“It has it’s perks,” he offered. “I was heading over to talk to your father. He said he would be at the station this afternoon. I take it you are not?”

“Short break to get my son home before I go back to face the files on my desk.” She knew her son was already done checking out his three books and would be joining them any second. She only hoped he would not blurt out an inappropriate question. She was about to send up a silent prayer when she noted that the glove Killian normally wore on his left hand was off and a synthetic material prosthetic was in its place. Before she could say anything, he looked down at the hand as though surprised by it and shrugged.

“Naval accident, an accident.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize,” she said not sure what else to say about it. It was clearly an old injury and hardly one she had a blame in causing.

“Tis an old pain,” he told her. “Most days I don’t really think of it.”

She nodded, glancing at her son who was still in conversation with Belle. “Does that mean you are getting more comfortable with me?” She instantly regretted saying that, as it came off a little weak.

“You do seem to put me at ease, love.” He winked at her and leaned a little to the left as her son ran up beside her. “You, lad, must be Henry. Your grandparents tell me you are quite the author.”

Henry nodded enthusiastically and continued the conversation for a few more beats, nearly forgetting his mother was there. Even a comment from another patron, Will, that Killian was clearly trying to get to the mother through the son, went unnoticed by all but Emma who stood taller and tried to let it slide. Killian was quite the conversationalist, observantly noting that Henry was holding a book on piracy along the New England states. That really got them going until Emma reminded Henry that she needed to drop him off at home to meet the tutor and get back to work.

That was how she ended up with Killian sitting in her living room and then the two of them walking side by side back to the station to interview her father. He opened doors for her, asked her less probing questions, and complimented the way she handled one of the boys known for getting into trouble with a stern look and warning. She was starting to feel natural about it all when he stopped short at the wreath decorated double doors and scratched behind his ear.

“I was wondering, love,” he said, shifting his eyes to the door and back to her again. “Rather I was hoping you might…well, bloody hell, I was hoping to ask you on that date. I gather you weren’t aware of who I was or why I was here when you sort of asked me.”

“I thought you were the guy my parents set me up with this year. It wasn’t my finest moment.”

He smiled nervously, his lips tight and his eyes again darting to the doors. She realized he was looking to see if her father was lurking. “It was rather adorable actually and I was thinking…”

She closed her eyes as he searched for the words, something she was sure he rarely did in his life. He always seemed to know the perfect thing to say and the perfect way to say it. “Killian, you don’t have to…”

“And if I want to?”

“Then maybe we could meet up tomorrow evening? Or wait no…tomorrow is the winter carnival for the kids at the orphanage and I am hosting the movie portion. Maybe Thursday…no Henry’s got his soccer game. I would say Friday but I’ve got choir practice and Saturday is mom’s campaign rally.” She truly looked sorry about her schedule as she shifted from one foot to the other.

“Busy lass,” he muttered. “I suppose we’ll have to consider another time. Or by chance are you free this evening?”

Biting down on her lip, she closed her eyes briefly. “I want to say yes, but my father is in there and I’d rather not mention this to him. And given that my son is likely to either eat potato chips and chocolate milk for dinner, stay up past bedtime for video games or inappropriate movies, or worst yet burn the place down in an attempt to see what he can melt in the oven, I’m thinking I need a back up babysitting plan that doesn’t include my parents.”

“Rather not hear the I told you so? Or are you hoping to keep me your little secret?”

“My parents are a little on the enthusiastic side when it comes to my love life.” She tilted her head back for a moment and then made eye contact again. “I have a plan, but you have to swear to me that we won’t be going to Granny’s or any place else they would be spotted.”

He assured her that paper napkins weren’t on the menu. “I have no issue with being circumspect, love. Trust me, I can plan an evening for us.”

If she didn’t trust him, she didn’t show it as he ushered her inside and greeted David. His cheeks were a little red from the cold and she knew hers were too. However, David never seemed to notice their conversation outside. She saw him pulling out his notes when she spoke up and asked David if Henry could perhaps have dinner with them. She managed to ask nonchalantly, simply a scheduling glitch.

“Any particular reason,” David asked, barely hiding his smile.

“I’m going out,” she answered vaguely, crossing her denim clad legs and pulling a stack of files into her lap. “Did you see Leroy’s file? I need to check about his court date.”

“Haven’t seen it. Anyone I know?” He was trying to watch her in the reflection of his computer screen, sneaking a few knowing looks at Killian who was flipping casually through his notebook.

“Oh you know,” she said, pausing to look at a document, “that guy from your party.” She didn’t want to lie to her dad, but she could tell he was not going to let up. It was one thing to have her father believe it was Walsh but another to flat out tell him that.

Killian seemed to understand, interrupting the awkwardness with a cheeky smile. “Since Emma appears to be on a deadline and you’ll be entertaining the lad this evening, it sounds like we need to get through these questions to prepare your wife’s talking points. Let’s start with the most obvious. You have a role that is second in command here at the station and in the community. How does that work with you effectively reporting to your own daughter?”

Emma let out a little sigh and as her father droned on about how proud he was of her, she shot Killian a grateful look. Her father seemed to take pride in both his work and how well she did her job, showing him pictures of celebrations after tough cases were solved and the commendations she had gotten from the governor. Most grown children worry that they aren’t successful enough or are somehow a disappointment to their parents. Emma didn’t have that worry when David Nolan talked about her.

He was still talking about how well Emma had worked with Regina who was stepping down to concentrate on her new life when Emma slipped out to change. Neither he nor Killian seemed to notice that she almost spoke up twice to tell Killian that maybe tonight wasn’t the best timing. Then she reminded herself of Ruby’s advice. He was a nice and more than good looking man. He didn’t even live here. So what if she went out with him. It was just fun.

She repeated that to herself as she went to her car to head home and change. That is until the realization hit that she didn’t really have anything to wear. A trip to one clothing store in town would rouse suspicion and the tailor was a friend of her mother’s. There was only one place to go.

~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~

“No leather, no spiked heels, no red, no plunging necklines, and I would preferably like to sit down without flashing everyone in town,” Emma said as Ruby dove into the bowels of her closet up above Granny’s. The woman had squealed, hugged Emma, and asked if certain parts had been shaved or waxed. Emma assured her that was not an issue and that she just needed something that didn’t have the capacity for her shoulder or hip holster. Ruby had of course said she had just the thing.

With no sign of her wardrobe addition, Emma looked at her phone and two unread texts.

Killian: Your father is in search of your old scouting badges. I feel like we should have code words. Perhaps not. Meet me at the docks at 7?

She answered quickly, not wanting Ruby to interfere with the response that would probably be inappropriate. A quick see you then and an internally debated smiley emoji would have to suffice. The next message was from her mother.

Mom: David says you have a date. Very exciting. When you come by to pick Henry up, I want to hear all about it. I’ll wait up.

Her mother was going to be an issue. She loved the eternal optimist that was her mother, a woman who had more than her fair share of darkness, including losing two parents early in life, but rose above it to see the good in people. Wasn’t that what Emma was doing. She was seeing the good in Killian despite the voices inside that said this was a bad idea. Well, she could rationalize it that way. Her mother truly wanted a happily ever after for her daughter, something even  Emma couldn’t disagree with in scheme of things. The fact that her mother even believed in such things was pretty amazing.

Ruby emerged with a black dress that looked more like a set of random strips all stitched together. Beneath it was a red dress that flared out and looked more appropriate for dancing. And beneath that was a soft mauve frock with a full skirt and wrapped bodice. She knew that was the one she wanted to wear, but knowing Ruby she had to at least try the others. Half an hour later she was wearing the lighter colored dress, matching nude heels, and her hair was what her friend called casually curled.

She was standing with her arms crossed for warmth at the docks at 7:01 when Killian emerged from one of the sailboats with a single red rose in his hands. “Apparently,” he said, steadily walking the gang plank despite the swell of the waves that had her not quite sure if she was standing still or not, “it is nearly impossible to procure just a rose this time of year. You almost ended up with a pot of poinsettias.”

“It’s beautiful,” she remarked. “You didn’t have to go to the trouble.”

He assured her that it was no trouble and that she was beautiful herself. Below deck he had a small table set with real dishes and flatware, a bottle of wine and containers of pastas and sauces from the Italian restaurant she had mentioned. The only thing, he mused, was that he could not do the candles since such items were not really safe on a boat.

“Confession time,” he said, clinking his glass with hers. “I borrowed the boat. I don’t have one here in Storybrooke.”

“I knew that,” she admitted. “It’s my uncle Leroy’s boat.”

“Short man, scruffy looking, kind of grumpy?”

“Always grumpy, yes. It’s nice of you though. Not too many prying eyes.”

He took a sip and pondered that for a moment. “I take it that you would prefer to keep things clandestine just in case. I am also guessing that you gave the information to your friend Ruby just in case I turn out to be a murderer.”

“I can take care of myself.” She squared her shoulders off.

“Aye, I believe you can, love.”

The rest of the meal passed with pleasant conversation and only a few awkward pauses that were usually filled before it got to be too much. Killian had even brought along a set of speakers to stream music allowing them to dance. It was a tough that even Emma thought was sweet as his arms were around her in a way that she admitted fit. She wasn’t sure how much life was left in his phone or when the clouds that had been building all day would open up with snow, but time seemed to stand still as they swayed. Her eyes closed and her head resting against his right shoulder. He lifted their entwined hands and softly kissed hers. She was glad her eyes were closed and her head nestled against his chest.

She could feel his breathing change and his hold feeling tense. Her name came out as a whisper from him. She lifted her head and found his eyes searching hers. “Emma? I would very much like to kiss you.”

“I’m not sure you can handle that,” she teased in just as soft of a voice. Yet she closed the space between them and let him close the rest. Their lips touching softly at first and then with more passion. Her hands gripped at his shirt, pulling him toward her and his hand hovered at her hair before threading through it with a sort of awe she had never experienced.

They might have stayed like that for a while had the siren of her dad’s cruiser not shattered the cold and quiet night. Maybe they should have stayed below deck, ignored her father’s presence on the docks. However, that plan faded as his footsteps grew closer and she knew, just knew that someone had spotted them on Leroy’s boat and reported it. Resigned to the fate that her father was about to find out who her date was with and probably have an opinion about it, she took a step back and turned to climb up into the cold. While he said nothing, Killian placed his own jacket, a worn leather one, over her shoulders. It was a gentlemanly gesture and one that shouldn’t surprise her.

“Dad?” she asked, holding one hand over her eyes to shield it from the giant flakes falling silently from the sky. “Did something…”

Her father looked startled and even a little embarrassed to see her there. His breathing was normalizing when Killian emerged too, which sent his eyes wide and his gasp of surprise sharpening. “I didn’t realize…”

“Everything okay, mate?” Killian asked. His dark colored shirt and black vest offered little warmth against the plummeting temperatures. However, he did not indicate it by shivering or otherwise complaining.

“Sure…I mean I was just answering a call about someone attempting to break in cars when I saw Emma’s bug. Someone said they thought they saw the suspect run this way and…”

Emma gave her father a nod, taking a deep breath to switch back into her role as sheriff. “Any description?”

Her father’s eyes drifted to where Killian’s hand was covering hers and giving it a slight squeeze of reassurance. They narrowed and his voice faltered as he answered, “light colored hair, red sweatshirt, about 5’9”, thin.”

“Sounds like a juvenile,” Emma assessed. “I’m assuming we don’t have any camera visuals. Last time we investigated over here the cameras were malfunctioning and I haven’t noticed…”

“Emma,” her father said, his boots shuffling a little on the worn planks of the dock that were beginning to be covered in snow. “You don’t have to…I mean…You’re on a date…I guess you are.”

“Well, yeah,” she said, glancing at Killian who seemed to be enjoying the moment. Suddenly she felt the urge to clear up the misconceptions she had caused. “I didn’t mean to…” She cleared her throat. “I know you probably thought I meant I was seeing that Walsh guy.”

“Your mother’s buying an entertainment center from him,” David answered with confusion. “It’s not my business who…but where is Walsh?” He did manage to lower the flashlight and seem less ominous there on the docks, but still had his hand on his hip and was rocking backwards as he waited for explanations.

“I’m not really sure. I haven’t exactly seen him since the party.” Emma glanced at Killian who was standing closer to her than she realized. That wasn’t exactly unpleasant as a prospect. “Killian and I…”

“You and Killian,” he father parroted with the confusion that it hadn’t dawned on him. “You and Killian what?”

Killian gave her hand another squeeze and took a step forward as though offering himself as tribute. “Aye, mate. I do fancy your daughter and she and I have been spending time together.”

Blinking back at them, David appeared to running through the occasions he had seen them together and attempting to digest this information. “So the conversation about intentions toward Emma should be delivered to you and not Walsh?” It was too dark to know for sure, but Emma thought he looked a little disappointed.

She reminded him that there was a potential thief on the loose and he assured her he had it under control and to go back to her date. Killian just sort of shrugged and offered his analysis that it wasn’t that much of a secret after all. They talked a bit longer, took a slow walk toward her car, and both hopped in with him saying he would walk to Granny’s after she was safely at her parents with her son.

“That’s ridiculous,” she said, speeding up the wipers against the snow. “I can drop you off. No need for you to freeze.”

He looked toward her in the dark car and gave her a soft smile. “Your father is bound to have told your mother about our date, love. I know you had hoped to keep it secret. I only wanted to offer my services should you want them to fend off her disappointment and concern.” He jumped when she placed her hand over his prosthetic.

“I didn’t mean for it to be a secret. I guess I just don’t want to disappoint them with another failed attempt at matchmaking. My mother has to be ready to give up by now.”

“Perhaps,” he said thoughtfully, “she might have to give up anyway. If we were to date, surely she would not attempt to replace me each year.” Her hand jerked away fast, something he noticed. “I hoped you might want…”

She sighed, turning her car off the coastal road to the one that led toward town. “Killian, I am the one who originally asked you out. Even if that was a misunderstanding. I had fun. I enjoy spending time with you. But…”

“But?”

“But we live in two different cities. The special election is going to be over next month. What kind of relationship can we have when you’ll be off on your next job and I’ll still be here? I’m not 18 and free to wander around after you. I have a job, parents, a son, and responsibilities.”

“We could…”

“Killian, I like you. I like spending time with you, but I’m not interested in starting a go no where or long distance relationship. I want more than a pen pal. Think about it. You do too.” The driveway of the farmhouse was coming into sight and then disappeared as she passed it. “I’ll take you back to Granny’s. No sense in talking to my mother about this. We’ll just say it was a one time thing.”

“As you wish.” His voice was quiet, deep, and almost wistful.

~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~ CS ~~

As the holidays grew nearer, Emma’s parents and Killian went into campaign overdrive. There were photoshoots of the whole family on the farm. Her mother even managed to sneak in a few candid shots of Emma and Killian. Speaking of Mary Margaret, she was only mildly disappointed at Emma’s secret that she was not seeing Walsh. That was quickly erased as she said she had considered setting her daughter up with Killian, but was quickly dissuaded when her internal voice said her daughter would object. Nobody corrected her on it.

For his part, Killian worked hard and would try to sneak in time with Emma. They shared a few lunches, walked around the farm discussing a few strategies, and shopped together for a present for her parents. He sat with them on Christmas Eve when Emma performed with the choir for mass, looking just as in awe and proud as her parents did. He even joined them for the evening meal on Christmas, leaving behind a gift for Emma rather than making a big deal of her opening it in front of everyone.

As the wreathes were removed and the snow seemed not as white, the election day finally drew close and Killian was even more of a fixture. He was constantly showing up with a new tactic and shoving his client in front of cameras to announce a proposed initiative. Everything from illiteracy to hunger would be addressed by Mary Margaret Nolan for mayor. When election day arrived, more than 60% of the voters chose her and he beamed proudly from the sidelines. Most people noticed the hug shared between Emma and Killian, but it seemed to be just part of the celebration. It went so long into the night that nobody really saw the two of them saying goodbye the next morning.

“I wish it was different,” she admitted, folding her arms over her chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Perhaps someday, love. After all, nothing stays the same.”

She watched as the Uber driver loaded his bags and Killian reluctantly slid into the backseat. Their eyes were locked and the unsaid words hung in the air. She wasn’t sure she even breathed again until she was pulling up in front of her parents’ house. Her father was flipping pancakes, but her mother was at the doorway even as she dragged up the steps of the front porch.

“I like him,” her mother said. “He’s a good man.”

“Yeah,” Emma agreed, accepting the hug and hurrying in before the next gust of wind. “I just…I don’t want this every time we see each other. I don’t want to miss him and have the constant feel like a clock is counting down the hours.”

“I know, Emma. And that is very practical, but if you…”

Emma didn’t wait for her mom to finish the statement before greeting her father and asking about setting the table. It wouldn’t be the last time that her mother brought him up. She would over the next few months, mentioning seeing him at some event or another. Emma never asked, but her mother would always update her on his well being. It wasn’t that Emma didn’t know. He still called. He texted. When he was in the area he would invite her to dinner or to an event. She occasionally went but always told herself it was just casual. He never tried to kiss her again and she never sat herself too close to him, despite Ruby’s advice to do so.

A book he had mentioned to her once said of the protagonist and her lover turned best friend, “they would continue to call and write until eventually they were just acquaintances and no longer a real part of each other’s lives.” That’s what Emma resigned herself to when he didn’t answer her text or voicemail inviting him to her parents’ annual party. He’d been pretty scarce for the past few weeks. Their conversations short and usually interrupted by something or someone. She once even heard a female voice in the background and wondered if he was seeing someone. That idea hurt more than she wanted to admit.

She wore red to her parents’ party, her hair hanging loose and the smile on her face tense and unyielding. She was sipping on champagne and watching as Regina and Robin twirled around the room still in bliss nearly a year after their wedding. Walsh was there too, dancing with Zelena and inking a new design deal with Marco. Neal had brought Tink as his date, which made Emma roll her eyes. And her parents were at their prime greeting and hugging all of those in attendance.

“Emma,” her mother called out when a few more guests were greeted. “Come here. I want you to say hello to someone.”

Ruby gave her a sympathetic look as Emma begrudgingly dragged her feet over to where her parents were standing. And there he stood, Killian in a freshly pressed suit with a wide smile on his face as she approached. Her mother was giddy as she mockingly introduced them. “Emma, you remember my old campaign manager, Killian, right? Well, he was in town getting settled because his new job at the governor’s office starts next month. I was thinking that he might be just the kind of guy you’d like to get to know.”

[wiseabsol]

WA Reviews “Dominion” by Aurelia le, Chapter 15: Lost

Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6383825/15/Dominion

Summary: For the Fire Nation royal siblings, love has always warred with hate. But neither the outward accomplishment of peace nor Azula’s defeat have brought the respite Zuko expected. Will his sister’s plans answer this, or only destroy them both?

Content Warnings: This story contains discussions and depictions of child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and incest. This story also explores the idea that Zuko’s redemption arc (and his unlearning of abuse) is not as complete as the show suggested, and that Azula is not a sociopath (with the story having a lot of sympathy for her). If that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, I would strongly recommend steering clear of this story and my reviews of it.

Note: Because these were originally posted as chapter reviews/commentaries, I will often be talking to the author in them (though sometimes I will also snarkily address the characters). While I’ve also tried not to spoil later events in the story in these reviews, I would strongly recommend reading through chapter 28 before reading these, just to be safe.

Now on to chapter 15!

CHAPTER 15: LOST

 Alright, I’m a little late on this one, so let’s just dive into the ugly sadness of “Chapter 15: Lost,” shall we?

 The A/N mentions that Toph, Suki, and Sokka will be back in five or six chapters, and a part of me can’t help but think, “Good, you three are distracting us from the Surround Sound Stereo Angst for the Royal Fire Family.” Joking aside, I am looking forward to Toph’s character development later on, because even though I know some of what is going to happen in future chapters of “Dominion,” I legitimately don’t think that Aurelia and I have discussed Toph’s arc yet. It’s a blind spot for me, but I’m okay with that, since I want to have some surprises in the wings, rather than just enjoying how X and Y parts are executed. Both ways of reading this story are fun, but the former is more enjoyable for reader in me, rather than the editor.

 If the outline mentioned in chapter fifteen is still accurate, then that means that we have seven chapters left of “Dominion” at present, before we move on to “Thrones.” That number might be off, though, because Aurelia tends to be more verbose than she expects and has to split the chapters into multiple parts.

 On to the chapter itself. Ty Lee and Mai are meeting in a sitting room. Ty Lee is nervous and Mai wonders if Ty Lee thinks that she’s mad at her, but Ty Lee hastens to reassure her. Mai’s aura indicates that she’s anxious and struggling to maintain control during this conversation. Mai is upset about “Zuko’s mistake,” but she doesn’t blame Ty Lee for it—she knows who to blame (Azula, probably, but maybe both her and Zuko). Mai doesn’t think that it was a bad idea for Zuko to team up with June, because the bounty hunter will track Azula down in short order and have her back in custody.

 Ty Lee is not enthused about this idea. Despite knowing that Mai isn’t going to like it, she tells Mai that Azula shouldn’t be put back into the asylum. As trash of a human being as J. K. Rowling is, I can’t help but think of the quote, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.” Ty Lee, you are the overlooked and unsung hero of this story. There should be shrines in your honor.

 Mai never likes it when Ty Lee brings up Azula, and usually deflects the conversation. Ty Lee also sees Mai less than she sees Azula, so they don’t get much of a chance to talk anyway. “Ty Lee still felt a little guilty about that, but Mai was always so busy, and Mai and Zuko would never even talk about Azula when she was the one who brought them all together in the first place….”

 A few things here. Ty Lee and Mai are maybe a little like Ty Lee and Zuko, in that they call each other friends, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is putting in the effort to be friends. Mai could be making more time for Ty Lee. Mai could be trying to empathize with Ty Lee over the Azula issue. At the same time, I think Mai has been trying to set a boundary with Ty Lee about Azula, but either Mai hasn’t made it clear enough to Ty Lee that this is a boundary, or Ty Lee isn’t able to respect it because Azula is so important to her. It seems like there are competing needs at work here, and the feelings on both sides are valid.

 At the same time, this situation has been festering for years. It’s clear that Mai has never been at peace with her feelings towards Azula, and that this is hurting her as much as it’s going to hurt Azula. I think Mai’s hatred for Azula is founded on the love she once had for her. While a large part of her might think that Azula deserved her fate, and even found it satisfying to see Azula brought low, there might also be a small part of her that wonders if that fall was partially her fault (it was, since Mai accidentally slammed down on Azula’s triggers), and feels guilty for it and for feeling that satisfaction. Also, from the way she’s been behaving, Mai might very well have been just as toxic and false a friend to Azula as she accuses Azula of being to her. She didn’t communicate her needs or desires to Azula, but instead let herself boil alive with resentment. She might blame Azula for how things went down, but she’s ignoring the role she played in it.

 As the conversation continues, Ty Lee dances around why it would be bad to send Azula back to the asylum (because Azula is pregnant), and Mai says, “‘She tell you they abused her? And here I thought it was her dad.’”

 Which brings another layer into this. I’m going to discuss this in more detail later, but Mai has now been confronted with the idea that Azula was an abused child—just as abused as Zuko was. And besides this recontextualizing Azula’s behavior, now Mai is left to wonder, “How did I never notice?” I think there’s a tiny part of her, one that she denies, that is appalled over what happened to Azula.

 Ty Lee, who loves Azula whole-heartedly, is HORRIFIED by this revelation. She feels like the ground is “rushing up to hit her” and remembers how Ozai treated her, the last night she spent in the castle as a kid. And then she…well: “But Azula was so strong, she wouldn’t let anyone do that to her, would she? At least she would have told Ty Lee, they were best friends!” Oh Ty Lee, honey. That’s not how abuse works. Azula wouldn’t have told anyone, both because she was ordered not to by her abuser, but also because that would have meant being vulnerable around someone else. Does that sound like something Azula would do?

 Mai says that Azula must have been lying about the abuse, but the thing is, Azula didn’t tell Mai about it. Zuko did. And even Mai doesn’t really believe it is a lie, if Ty Lee’s aura-reading is accurate. Mai’s just trying really hard to believe in her own lie. Mai argues that Ty Lee only ever sees the good in people—which isn’t true, since Ty Lee can see the flaws in people, but is more forgiving of them than the other characters are (except for Aang). Mai wonders if Ty Lee has convinced herself that there’s goodness in Azula where there is none.

 And that’s…a lot. Because there’s a mix of good and bad in everyone. Some people lean more towards one end of the spectrum than the other, but if you look hard enough, you’ll always find something that humanizes even the most saintly or heinous of people. My stepmother, who was emotionally and psychologically abusive, wasn’t pure evil. She made my father happy. She was fiercely protective of those she loved. She made the best oatmeal cookies in the world and shared my passion for sappy romances. I’ve progressed enough in my healing that I can see these things, and see her as a troubled person who made mistakes and never got the help she needed. But Mai…she hasn’t healed the way I have. She hasn’t forgiven Azula. She might never be able to do that, either, given recent events (and she doesn’t have to—that’s her choice to make). And as long as that’s the case, it’s so much easier for her to demonize Azula, because if Azula is a demon, then Mai doesn’t have to grapple with the messy reality of Azula as a person, or grapple with how Ozai’s, Zuko’s, and Mai’s own choices damaged her.

 Then we get this passage, which I’m going to quote in full, because it’s a slap in the face to absolutist thinking where Azula is concerned:

 “‘I know she did some bad things, some awful things even, but that was four years ago and she was just a kid! We all were!’ [Ty Lee] argued [ . . . ] ‘And most of that stuff she did on her dad’s orders, and who knows what he would’ve done if she refused—’

 ‘Oh yes, poor helpless little victim,’ Mai interrupted coldly, rising to her feet with more grace than Ty Lee. ‘It’s not like she ever had a choice.’

 ‘She had a choice, but this stuff makes a difference, Mai!’ Ty Lee insisted, desperate to make her see it. ‘It makes a difference how we judge what she did! And we know now she was crazy!’ Ty Lee seized on the horrible truth with more enthusiasm than she would ever have guessed, spreading her hands to offer explanation. ‘Doesn’t that make a difference to you?’”

 Context. Matters. It matters so much when you’re judging someone’s behavior. If someone is under duress, or isn’t fully in their right mind, or if they have no good choices, can we really blame them from making bad ones? And in Azula’s case, she was a child. Should she really have been written off by anyone, let alone our heroes?

 Mai doesn’t believe that Azula was mentally ill, though. That was just a part of Azula’s scheme, you see. Ty Lee is rightly appalled by this. “‘Even if—you thought she just made it up—to avoid prison or something,’ she grasped at the logic only loosely, because it was disgusting, ‘you can’t deny what it did to her! She starved herself almost to death, she almost died!’” I really appreciate that Ty Lee is disgusted by Mai’s reasoning here. You go, Ty Lee! Four for you, Ty Lee! You’re the only reasonable person from the Fire Nation in this cast, I swear.

 Ty Lee reminds Mai that there were witnesses to Azula’s deteriorating mental state, but realizes that Mai is in denial about this: “Realization leaked through cold and creeping as the egg Ty Lin broke over her head that one time. ‘Or maybe you can deny it,’ she whispered, horrified, and took a swift step back with hands raised before her when Mai lifted her head.” Yeah, I’m fully in agreement with Ty Lee’s horror. She’s looking at a friend who is so twisted up by resentment that she has lost sight of reality, in favor of believing a comfortable lie—namely, that Azula is irredeemable and so Mai doesn’t need to care about what happens to her. Even though Mai does need to care about this, because Zuko and Ty Lee will be gutted if Azula dies, and the Fire Nation will probably go to war over it.

 “‘I didn’t see her because she treated me like shit,’ Mai spoke deliberately.” Mai is right that she doesn’t have to have Azula in her life if she doesn’t want Azula there. You don’t have to have anyone in your life who has hurt you. But that isn’t all that’s going on here. Mai is still smoldering with anger four years later, and her inability to let that anger go has been eating her alive. It’s making her lash out at Zuko and Ty Lee when they try to broach the subject of Azula. This isn’t healthy for her or anyone else. This is just a continuation of the behavior that plagued her as a teenager—suppressing all of her negative emotions until they explode outwards, rather than allowing herself to feel them, accept them, learn from them, and move on.

 When Mai points out that she doesn’t owe Azula anything, Ty Lee replies that she wouldn’t have met or fallen in love with Zuko if she hadn’t been Azula’s friend. This stings for Mai, given that the siblings have had sex: “‘She gives, and she takes away….’”

 Ty Lee, being more perceptive than anyone gives her credit for, figures out that something must have happened. She’s very sympathetic, asking if Mai wants to talk about it. Mai panics and has another angry outburst, thinking that Azula must have told Ty Lee about what Zuko did. “[Ty Lee] was reminded uncannily of how Azula reacted to Mai’s rejection at the Boiling Rock, and found it hard to fathom how Mai hadn’t run for the hills on receiving such a look.” This is interesting, because it suggests that part of the reason why Mai loathes Azula so much is because of the similarities between them. There is nothing more unsettling than seeing a dark mirror of yourself in someone else.

 Ty Lee doesn’t know what Mai is talking about, and then kicks herself for revealing that to Mai: “Azula would have known enough to pretend she already knew, so Mai would tell her.” Mai shuts down at this point and tells Captain Tadao to take Ty Lee to her rooms, because they’ve “embarrassed each other enough for one day” and that they’ll talk later.

 Ty Lee knows that’s bullshit. “They wouldn’t because Mai never wanted to talk about Azula, and was extra unlikely to want to talk about Azula when she had problems of her own with Zuko.” I’m sure that Mai was reluctant to talk about Azula with Ty Lee because she didn’t think that Ty Lee would let her vent about her anger towards Azula, or understand it and not make excuses for Azula. Which is fair, but Mai should have found someone else to vent to to get the poison out, and then circled back to seeing Azula as a human being who fucked up.

 Actually, you know what Mai probably needs? She needs to confront Azula about what happened between them, because she hasn’t seen Azula since the Boiling Rock. Yeah, Mai had a cool line about loving Zuko more than fearing Azula, but that didn’t get into her specific grievances, or allow Azula to address or apologize for them to give Mai closure. And we know that Azula feels bad about what she did, because it was what haunted her the most when she was having her breakdown. If Azula really was a monster, then she wouldn’t feel that remorse.

 “Ty Lee felt bad about that, and she wanted to help Mai, she really did”—Ty Lee is too good for this sinful Earth—“but Mai wouldn’t tell her anything, and even though her problems seemed bad, Azula’s could get her killed—” Yeah, the most reasonable one of the bunch, our Ty Lee.

 Ty Lee begs Mai to do something to help Azula, because she’ll die if the Earth Kingdom catches her. Ty Lee has this heart-wrenching speech: “‘I know you guys had problems, and—maybe you think she was never your friend [ . . . ] But she thought of you as a friend, Mai, she told me so! She fought so hard to get better, she’s a better person now, and she deserves a second chance! But she’ll never get that chance unless we help her.’” Carve my heart out and eat it, why don’t you?

 And Mai…is unmoved by this. And condescending about it. “‘I hoped your actions might prove you were ready to cut ties with her too. But clearly you can’t be trusted to know what’s best for you” She’s referring here to Ty Lee seemingly choosing the Kyoshi Warriors over Azula. But also, it’s gross that Mai assumes that she knows what is best for Ty Lee. Fuck off with that, Mai.

 Mai doubles down on the whole, “Azula’s awful, I don’t owe her anything, and don’t come crying to me when she hurts you” schtick. If she’d met the adult version of Azula and seen that version of her hurt someone, such as Ty Lee, then this reaction would make sense. What this is instead is Mai holding onto a grudge that is years old and using it as a weapon. She’s clinging to the idea that Azula can never change…even though that’s not how people work. Especially not people in the formative years of their lives, which they all still qualify as.

 Aaaand Ty Lee, panicking now, reveals that Azula is pregnant as a last-ditch effort to get Mai to get her head out of her black-clad butt and see reason. Mai goes into despairing shock at this news and accidentally cuts herself with her own knife, much to Ty Lee’s and Captain Tadao’s alarm. One of the guards tries to grab Ty Lee, but Ty Lee chi-blocks him and he collapses. The next one manages to grab her. Mai orders them to remove Ty Lee from the room, and instead of putting Ty Lee in her guest bedroom, they stick her in a study.

 We learn that Ty Lee actually likes Tadao, because he works hard and doesn’t dismiss Ty Lee’s suggestions on how to improve palace security. He’s the one who comes to see Ty Lee instead of Mai. He tells her that Mai is going to be fine. She might have a scar on her hand, but she’ll still be able to use it. When Ty Lee wonders why she got so upset, Tadao points out that since Mai and Azula are sisters-in-law, Azula’s condition will have an impact on Mai. This is also “the latest in a recent line of insults.” To put it another way, Mai is bitter at Azula for having sex with Zuko and throwing that wrench into her marriage (namely, by revealing that Zuko is not the person she thought he was). Then there are the political considerations, given that Azula’s kid could have a place in the line of succession, if the kid gets legitimized someday. Which then puts little Lu Ten’s claim at risk.

 This also reveals that Captain Tadao knows what happened between Azula and Zuko. For a second, I thought that he was Mai’s uncle, and so the ugly secret was just between them and the Fire siblings. But no, more people know about it, and that is NOT GOOD. But Captain Tadao seems like a good guy (sidebar, but was he the guy who escorted baby Ty Lee out of the palace during the abortion episode? It would be a sweet connection if so), and when Ty Lee asks why Mai won’t confide in her about what is going on between her and Zuko, Tadao is gentle when he tells her, “‘I think you know the answer to that question.’” Ty Lee’s love for Azula and Mai’s hatred of her is something they cannot reconcile, and given how important Azula is in their lives, it’s a potential dealbreaker for them, at least as far as having a close emotional, trusting relationship goes. A casual friendship is still possible, but probably not if Mai or Ty Lee keep pushing each other.

 Mai has decided to pack Ty Lee off to Kyoshi Island, and has gotten her a ticket and an escort to the harbor. Ty Lee has written Mai a letter to continue their conversation. I’m struck by how fast Mai is pushing Ty Lee out of the Fire Nation. What if Ty Lee wanted to visit her family? What if she wanted to enjoy some spicy homecooked Fire Nation food? What if she, god forbid, decided to visit Ozai for a nice shouting match (well, shouting at his comatose body, more like)? Alas, the plot beckons us forward!

 We find ourselves back with Zuko and June. Hooray? I put a question mark there because Zuko doesn’t appearing to be having a good time with the bounty hunter. He is, in fact, puking his guts out. Traveling with June has the feeling of a boot camp to Zuko, because she keeps trying to “toughen him up”: “It reminded Zuko uncomfortably of his father’s early tutelage, before Ozai gave up shaping him into an unfeeling weapon of war, and turned his sights to Azula instead.” Oh Zuko, if you knew what Ozai was trying to shape YOU into, then why blame Azula for—at least in your eyes—becoming it?

 June puts all of the gross chores of their journey onto him, and tries to steal his food to see if he’s cunning enough to get it back. I’m sure she finds this amusing, but I remember how hard Zuko’s journey apart from Iroh was, and I think she might have an overly inflated opinion of her teaching skills.

 In any case, they find the Dai Li agent hiding in a cave and June forces Zuko to interrogate him. It sounds like June is doing the heavy-lifting where torturing the man is concerned, though. June keeps telling Zuko to burn the man, and reminds him that Azula will be tortured if she’s captured. Eventually, the man begs Zuko to kill him, and Zuko has a flashback to when he was burned by Ozai: “he could only think of a hand wreathed in flame, reaching for him.” It’s at this point that Zuko throws up. He tries to argue that the man deserves this: “He would have blackmailed me, hunted my sister down like an animal. He wouldn’t flinch from torturing her, even killing her if he was ordered.” This line of reasoning doesn’t give him any comfort, though.

 I do want to point out that torture, despite what fiction would like us to believe, is an ineffective tool for getting reliable information out of someone. Oftentimes it’s bribery that works better, such as, “You know we can’t let you go, but if you tell us what we want to know, we can make sure that no harm comes to your loved ones.” People in pain will say anything to make it stop, so gentler methods are more effective. However, it’s become ingrained in our cultural consciousness that torture works, despite what studies have shown. And since hurting the villain can be cathartic to an audience, and a hero hurting the villain can tell us something about them as a person, it comes up a LOT in action stories. And while I am exhausted by it being used in this way (torture as a tool of the villains tracks better, since there is no shortage of people who find satisfaction in making other people feel pain), I do see why it is used here. It’s only recently that the ineffectiveness of torture has become more generally known, whereas Zuko lives in a time period analogous to…probably the late 1800s?

 I do wish that the torture here hadn’t yielded the information that it had, or that this information turned out to be bunk upon investigating it. As if it, the Dai Li agent is mostly filling in non-vital information: that he worked as an orderly at the asylum and had a partner there, hence how he got to the beach house on Ember Island so fast. So the partner needs to be taken care of at some point soon. Zuko better remember to send that letter!

 Then we get this chilling thought from Zuko: “Zuko considered for the first time what might have happened, if she had not run from the asylum. If the Earth Kingdom grew impatient [ . . . ] it would have been appallingly easy to make her death look like a suicide, an accident overdose, a bad reaction to her medication….” Yeah, she was definitely a sitting duck there.

 “He wondered if Azula knew, or suspected, that she was in the care of her enemies when she decided to run [ . . . ] She had an instinct for these things. The only time she hadn’t seen it coming was when her friend betrayed her. And when Zuko left to join Aang in ending the war, if her converse [sic] with absent fathers was to be believed—" I don’t know if Azula ever knew that there were Dai Li agents lurking about, but even Zuko is starting to see why Azula has such bad trust issues.

 It looks like June continued with the torture and got the location of her dad out of her victim. I really wish she’d gotten a fake location, but I understand that the plot necessitates a swift end to this subplot. June hopes that Zuko is less squeamish about violence when someone is out to kill him, but I’m sure he would be fine in that situation, because that would be a fair fight, rather than causing someone who is helpless and incapacitated a useless amount of pain. June killed the agent in the end, and when Zuko argues that torturing him wasn’t right, and she replies with, “‘It was necessary. You head one of the most powerful nations in the world, don’t you know what that is?’”

 And…(sigh)…yes, leaders need to make tough calls sometimes. But if they choose to do something this ugly, they really shouldn’t be fine with it afterwards. They should acknowledge that it was evil, but that they couldn’t see another way to accomplish their goal. That route accepts more responsibility than hiding behind the idea that it was for “the greater good” and that no one else could have thought of a better path forward. When June says that the torture was necessary, that doesn’t make it not evil. It just means that she didn’t see another way to get what she needed.

 June then points out that Ozai was a helpless prisoner when Zuko burned him, which stings Zuko. I would argue that Zuko is right about it being different—his crime was one of passion, whereas June’s was coldly calculated. But both ultimately led to human suffering, so both of them were wrong to do it.

 Zuko takes a deep breath to keep from lashing out at June, which tells us that he CAN manage his anger when he wants to. He’s struggling, though, because he’s tempted to tell June what Ozai did to Azula to justify burning his dad. He decides not to: “It didn’t feel right somehow, telling anyone else about the abuse. He wondered if this was how Uncle felt when he found out, and why he didn’t say anything. He still should have said something….” Zuko is right—Azula’s trauma isn’t his to share. He also goes from having empathy for Iroh to being angry with him in a split second, which makes sense. He’s conflicted about how his uncle handled the discovery. At the very least, Iroh should have told her doctors, so she could get the care she needed.

 “How many more of [June’s] cruelties would he have to witness or take part in, before this was over?” This is rough and why I am not a fan of characters like June. Azula’s actions in this fic are calculated to minimize harm; June has no such scruples. She’s too much in “the ends justify the means” frame of mind.

 Zuko has two thoughts that suggest that Azula is the devil on his shoulder, as far as his brain is concerned. “You would [burn Ozai] again” and “You could kill [June . . . ] Remove the threat.” He describes the latter thought as being “so alien and disturbing Azula might have suggested it herself.” No, my dude. Just like hallucination!Ursa is a reflection of Azula’s doubts, whispering!Azula is a reflection of Zuko’s darker thoughts and impulses, which he deflects onto her because that is easier for him to do than face the darkness within himself.

 He then has some off-color thoughts about June, besides the idea of murdering her. “Sometimes Zuko thought she was more animal than woman”—Gross!—“and didn’t know whether to be turned on or disgusted by her antics. He had even wondered once in the long hours he spent riding behind her how Mai would look dressed all in black leather like that.” This would be a much lighter story if Zuko and Mai had just embraced his leather kink, rather than him embracing his toxic desire to possess Azula.

 As June taunts him about how he wouldn’t win if he tried to kill her, he figures out that she knows that he slept with Azula. She confirms it: “‘Your secret’s out. I might have forgot to mention our mutual friend let that slip, before the end. He got a message to the others. Looks like we should’ve moved faster.’” This means that Zuko, Azula, Mai, Mai’s uncle, Tadao, June, and now some unnamed Dai Li agents—who will probably pass this information along to their superiors—are in the know. That is very bad! Zuko had better hope that they’ll be able to spin this information as slander against him and his family, because if people believe it, his family is going to have a tough time holding onto the throne.

 June throws in that now she knows why he has problems with women, which Zuko denies. I feel like he’s better about women than Iroh and Ozai, but his treatment of Azula is definitely skeevy. June, in any case, isn’t bothered by this information, because she doesn’t have siblings as far as she knows. She also doesn’t have the same cultural teachings as Zuko, so she doesn’t have the same taboos that he does.

 We switch over to Mai, who is sulking in Zuko’s study. She’s read Ty Lee’s letter a few times by now and is not impressed. She thinks that she’s entitled to be upset, given the situation, and I can’t fault her for that. “That a man so endearingly awkward and painfully sincere would betray her with anyone, let alone his manipulative bitch of a sister, was a permissible source of surprise.” While I don’t like how she describes Azula, I agree with the rest of her sentiment.

 “That Azula would take fullest advantage of his lapse was not.” This is ridiculous, though. What, did Azula plan to escape while she was ovulating so that she would become pregnant when she seduced her brother? Is that how the story is going in your brain, Mai? Why would Azula do something like that? She’d be disgraced if anyone found out, just as much as Zuko (unless she spun it as rape, which IT WAS. But Mai seems to be thinking that Azula would make a false accusation). Azula certainly will be disgraced if she has a bastard. Also, her being pregnant is going to slow her down and make her more vulnerable. That’s such a stupid plan, and when have Azula’s plans ever been stupid?

 “Mai bent her head and gripped her bandaged hand, to draw a deep breath against the grief that welled inside her like an aching void. A void that demanded how he could do this, how he could still defend her, how he could think she didn’t plan this, why—” Mai is struggling because she knows that she was mostly betrayed by Zuko (she no longer trusted Azula, so how could Azula betray her?), but she can’t help but think that Azula had an evil plan. Probably because if Azula did have an evil plan, then maybe Mai could someday forgive Zuko for falling for it.

 Her uncle arrives and she tells him the news. “And Mai felt a rush of ruthless satisfaction, upon seeing the warden back into the desk adjacent to her, revulsion etched in every line of his aging face. It wasn’t just her. Zuko tried to act like this was a terrible but legitimate mistake, like it was at all comparable to anything he’d done wrong before. But her uncle knew. He knew it was an abomination.” Yeah, Zuko and Azula committed a big cultural taboo. It’s unsurprising that other people are reacting this way. Also, I’m sure some of Mai’s satisfaction is that finally, someone is on her side, rather than on Zuko’s or Azula’s.

 Her uncle voices the idea that maybe the child isn’t Zuko’s at all—that Azula is trying to trap him with a lie—but Mai responds that whether it is or isn’t, Zuko will think it is, and that’s what will matter. She then reflects on her own sexual history with Zuko. They were sleeping together before he defected, and they continued to carry on without protection when he returned. It took two years before she became pregnant with Lu Ten, long enough that she’d wondered if Zuko was waiting to marry her until he was sure she could get pregnant. Which even she knows is a silly idea. He probably just didn’t think to make their union official until she got pregnant and he realized that he should do the “honorable” thing and wed her.

 Mai is salty about Azula getting pregnant from one night with him, when it took so much longer for her. When her uncle asks her what she plans to do, she comments that Azula’s medical records have gone missing. Zuko might have them?

 “‘Supposedly she almost died in the asylum,’ Mai explained, her words ringing strangely hollow to her own ears. ‘Her doctors said she would never fully recover. I wanted to know if I could reasonably expect this to kill her.’ She tried to imagine the princess bleeding out, that she might die screaming in the same agony Mai endured when Lu Ten was born—and couldn’t. But there would be time enough to consider why later.” Mai can’t imagine her ex-friend dying. As much as she hates Azula, I don’t think she genuinely wants Azula dead, as convenient as that would be for her.

 She then subtly suggests to her uncle that they could make it look like Azula just bled out like that—a tragic turn of events, but not anyone’s fault. Mai then accuses Zuko of being irrationally protective of Azula and that he’ll set Mai aside if she moves against Azula openly. I’m not sure Zuko would really do that, since he loves Mai deeply, but I don’t think their marriage would ever recover if Mai killed Azula.

 Her uncle notices her hand, and we get this sweet moment: “Mai put her hand in his offered palm without hesitation. A reflex born of the first months she spent training with knives under his tutelage, when he had often [sic] to tend nicks and cuts gained in her practice. When Mai showed no signs of firebending by her fifth birthday, it was her Uncle Tom who first put a blade in her hand, and offered his home for the summer, so she might learn to use it.” When Mai mentioned that her current injury was an accident, her uncle adds, “‘A man like that isn’t worth hurting yourself over.’”

 This is a genuinely sweet relationship, and it makes me wish that he had been the one who raised Mai, instead of her parents. She probably would have learned how to express her emotions in a healthy way, rather than bottling them up. He also doesn’t seem to care that she was a girl and had gender roles to conform to. Really, I’m glad that he’s in her corner. She needs someone to be, because this situation is legitimately awful for her.

 Mai gets a hug from her uncle, which I think she’s needed for a while. She thanks him for being there for her and not saying, “I told you so,” because her uncle never approved of Zuko. They even make a joke about the situation, about how neither of them thought Zuko would cheat on her with his sister, which is some very dark humor.

 Things take a turn when her uncle comments that the Royal family has been corrupt since Sozin, to which Mai replies that he should be careful, because her son is one of them. Tsutomu then suggests that he doesn’t have to be—that if something happened to Zuko, Lu Ten could be raised away from the toxicity of the paternal side of his family. Mai doesn’t like this idea, but her uncle keeps pushing, suggesting that if Zuko has cheated once, maybe he’s done so before and will do so again. Mai shoots this line of reasoning down, because she’s questioned their household about it and knows better, and doesn’t think that Zuko will stray again. Tsutomu keeps suggesting that they could have Zuko killed, and Mai tells him to stop thinking about it. He insists that he would never do anything without her consent. I want to trust him on this, but given later events, I worry that he might have some involvement there. If he does, it will be a case of him thinking that he knows what’s best for her, rather than respecting her wishes.

 We then shift back to Azula, who was being pursued by Fong’s men, but managed to shake them when she entered the swamp. Unfortunately, her mount broke its leg when they were running down the mountain, so Azula had to put it down. What a waste! It would have been cruel to let it suffer, though. Azula wanted to trade her ostrich horse for a different mount, but the sandbenders never showed up. She travelled in the desert for a while, keeping the mountains in sight to avoid getting lost, but she needed more water before long. That was when she was discovered by Fong’s men, and she has a couple of sardonic thoughts about how her “famous luck” hadn’t helped her out.

 She then starts trekking through the standing water in the marsh, and I’m already shuddering at the thought of all of the mosquitos there. Though they’re probably crossed with something like a wasp to make them extra horrible. Azula climbs up a tree to see if she can spot her pursuers, and thinks about how stupid they were to advertise their intentions in a fight. Fair! We also get the interesting tidbit that benders and nonbenders in the Earth Kingdom tend to work together in squads, whereas this team was specifically all earthbenders and was patrolling during peace time. Azula takes this to mean that they were searching for her. We also learn that Azula is heading to an avatar shrine.

 Azula’s pack is waterlogged at this point, and she sighs in a way that reminds her of Mai. This thought leads her to reflect on her ex-friend, much like Mai was doing earlier in the chapter. There is a humous moment where Azula thinks that Mai would have given herself up to avoid stepping into the swamp, and then a bitter one as she thinks, “You never minded getting your hands dirty except in the most literal sense. Yet it was you and not Ty Lee who finally suffered a crisis of conscience—” Meaning that Mai’s betrayal really did come out of nowhere for Azula.

 At this, Azula starts hallucinating Mai. She nearly falls out of the tree in surprise, with her pack opening up and her supplies tumbling into the water. Hallucination!Mai is offended by Azula’s thoughts, reminding Azula that she loved Zuko and didn’t want his blood on her hands. Azula, after a moment, reminds herself that she’s not in the asylum anymore, so what she’s seeing could just be a trick of the light or her imagination…except the Gaang ran into visions in this swamp, so it might be magic at work.

 Azula tries to get herself back onto the branch properly, but can’t manage a full crunch. Oh buddy, I feel you. She then does the way more impressive thing by swinging backwards, releasing the branch, and grabbing the vines to stop her fall on the way down. She notices that her pursuers are spreading out around the edge of the swamp, probably to intercept her when she emerges. She figures they’ll wait for reinforcements and might try to flush her out when they have better numbers.

 Azula considers that there might be dangers in the swamp that she’ll have to deal with, such as “deadly beasts or hostile primitives.” (Sigh.) Sometimes, her being from an imperialist society rears its ugly head. She figures that she needs to make her way to the far end of the swamp before her pursuers do. She takes some time to regather her supplies and then starts the wet trek, while being swarmed by mosquitos. She decides to heat the air around her to try to drive them off. I wish I could do that on summer evenings!

 We shift over to Zuko, who is fighting with a team of Dai Li. Looks like he and June have arrived at the hideout! June has coated her whip in shirsu weapon, which works well and makes her match with Nyla. Zuko notes that the Dai Li are trying to use lethal force on him and June, since they aren’t there on official Fire Lord business, so no one will know who killed them. June at one point does a handspring that would have impressed Ty Lee, which is a fun detail, and then Zuko pulls a leaf out of June’s book and makes some fire whips. Once they’ve taken care of the team, they go through the cave and pass by the crystal cells, which June doesn’t bother to check because there are no guards around. Zuko has a sinking feeling that some of the guards must have smuggled June’s dad out and they’ll have to start the search all over again, which means that one of the unconscious men they left behind might get a spot of torture. BUT Nyla knocked out the guards before they could flee on ostrich-horseback, so June’s dad is fine and trying to get his cuffs off.

 June’s father is a balding man with a squarish face and glasses. He teases June for taking so long, and then notices Zuko. There’s an argument about the logistics of the fight, the point of it being that June wasn’t sure if Zuko was going to hold his own, and that if he got caught, she was worried that he would have told them which way June and her father ran. Zuko is insulted at the idea that he would have ratted them out, and asks if they would have left him behind. June says that they wouldn’t have, mostly because it would have come back to bite them if they had. Zuko reminds her that now that her father is free, it’s time for her to fulfill her part of the deal and track down Azula. June asks him if he has a scent sample from Azula on him, because the last one they had is ashes now, and led Nyla to him anyway.

 He thinks there are still things in the house on Ember Island that they could use, and remembers some of what happened that night: “Her lips moved silently, forming the same word over and over again. He knew what word she spoke now, two months too late…. I used her no more kindly than him.” Yikes! That word is father and just…ugh. This twisted family. I was trying to explain the appeal of this fic to a friend last night, and I kept saying, “It’s really dark and heavy, but it’s fascinating from a psychological standpoint!”

 The trio decide to head to Ember Island. If nothing there works as a sample, they’ll go to the palace. I don’t think there would be fresh enough scents there, so the beach house will have to work. Zuko thinks that after they find Azula, he’ll “make amends, the only way he had left.” Presumably he means to Azula, but he could also be talking about Mai, since Mai also wants Azula caught, though his sister’s fate afterwards would probably be darker than what Zuko wants.

 We switch back to Azula, who is being badgered by Hallucination!Mai. I am a little amused about the joke she makes about Azula never lacking direction, though the direction was sometimes the wrong one. If this is Azula’s self-doubt talking, then that’s an acknowledgement that she’s made mistakes and hasn’t always gone down the right path, which flies in the face of her usual self-confidence. There is a suggestion that this hallucination is actually a swamp vision, rather than a symptom of Azula’s mental illness. Unlike her normal hallucinations, this image of Mai vanishes as soon as she looks too closely at it. “Strange that the hallucinations at the asylum never did that.”

 This Mai talks more than the hallucinated version of her did. “‘You ever think maybe I didn’t say much, ‘cause I knew you didn’t care what I had to say?’” this Mai says. Azula, tired and bitter, snaps back sarcastically, pointing out that she asked for Mai’s council many times and trusted her as much as she allowed herself to trust anyone. I suspect part of what’s going on here is that Azula is grappling with her fear about how other people—specifically the people she loved—view her. She fears that they see her as a monster and that they’re right to do so, because of the choices she’s made. It’s one thing to have your family by blood betray you, but another thing to have your chosen family do so.

 Azula admits that she used Mai’s “infatuation” with Zuko for her own self-gain (clearly not realizing the depth of Mai’s love for Zuko), but that she “still expected Mai to be smart enough to act in her own self-interest.” She was secure in that belief, otherwise she wouldn’t have brought Mai to the Boiling Rock or let Mai have the “first crack at Zuko.” From the sound of it, Azula thought that she was giving Mai a chance for revenge over being left behind by Zuko. Except that Mai couldn’t stand by as he was killed….

 Which Azula doesn’t understand. “‘He was a traitor!’ Azula screeched in disbelief, her fist clenched so hard she could feel every bone in her hand. ‘He betrayed you just as much as me! And you still chose him!’ Her voice broke. I was your friend first. He wasn’t anything to you anymore. He ended it in a letter, too much of a coward to tell you to your face. He hadn’t even left her a letter, or any warning of what to expect, the next time she was called before their father….”

 While it was a good thing for the world that Zuko chose to help Aang, these are all solid points. Zuko did betray his Fire Lord and nation, so from their perspective, he is a traitor (who, in addition to defecting, then took the throne from Ozai’s appointed heir). He didn’t break up with Mai in person. He didn’t think about what Ozai might do to Azula afterwards. Zuko could certainly have handled the latter situations better.

 Vision!Mai devalues Azula’s friendship next, saying that it didn’t compare to his love, and that Zuko was the love of Mai’s life, whereas Azula was a monster. It’s playing right into Azula’s deeply held belief that the reason no one loves and chooses her is because there’s something inherently wrong with her—something that isn’t wrong with Zuko (even though Zuko has fucked up in this story real bad).  

 Azula punches a tree in anger and thinks that the hallucinations have said worse to her than this, which is super sad. What’s even sadder is that Azula thinks the same things about herself, even without them around: “didn’t Azula think that about herself every day?” She needs some real therapy, not whatever she was getting in the asylum.

 Azula is lost by this point, and decides that she needs to find a dry place to sleep and recover, rather than continuing to drain herself by wandering around. Once she gets into the hollow of an old tree trunk, she takes off her socks and boots to avoid trench foot. Good plan! Though couldn’t she also dry out both with her bending? Probably for the best to let her feet air out, though. She then tries to eat, but her food has bog-water in it, and the rice apparently looks like maggots. Gross! She gets sicks, which could be from her morning sickness, from a blood-borne disease from the mosquitos, from the contaminated food, or from a combination of the above. After throwing up a second time—the Fire siblings both have delicate stomachs this chapter!—she decides to stick to drinking water instead.

 Azula is getting chills now, which suggests that she’s genuinely sick. She then sees Vision!Mai again, who gives her a nasty Reason You Suck Speech. She accuses Azula of not knowing what love or trust is—excuse me, Ty Lee is proof that that’s not true!—and then adds, “‘You never respected me, or my boundaries, or anything that was mine.’” I’m trying to remember if there was evidence for this in the show, or if this is Azula trying to come up with reasons for why Mai turned on her, and wondering if it was these things? That Azula feels guilty about this, though, shows that she is capable of seeing what she did wrong and learning from it. She can grow as a person…though she needs to be allowed to do so by the people around her. Ty Lee gave her that chance and now their relationship is much healthier. But it’s hard to grow when the people around you keep punishing you for what you did, and never believe that the growth you’ve made is genuine.

 Mai then asks, “‘Why else would you seduce [Zuko]?’” which Azula denies, saying she didn’t mean for it to go that far. Apparently, Azula hoped that the kiss would distract him, and then she’d be able to chi-block him so he couldn’t move. Unfortunately, he reacted by throwing her into a nightstand, and after she twisted her ankle, there was no running away.

 Mai accuses her of lying—that she did it because she saw Zuko’s weakness and was exploiting it. She asks, “‘How did it feel when he did that to you?’” and Azula doesn’t respond. I think this is where, if she’d felt any pleasure or satisfaction from the sex, it would sneak in and provide an extra layer of shame. That it doesn’t suggests that all Azula felt was violation and pain in the act.

 Mai says that this must be why Azula hates her—not because of the betrayal of their friendship, but because she “played the game better than [Azula]. And [Azula] lost.” If I’m parsing this right, Azula thinks that Mai believes that Azula wanted Zuko, and that because Mai won Zuko, Mai got more political power than Azula, beating Azula at the political game. It’s an ugly take, and while I don’t think Mai’s accusations are fair—because we’ve seen from Azula’s perspective what her motives were—this does show that Azula knows Mai quite well, because the real Mai’s thoughts run along similar lines as the vision’s. Real Mai believes that Azula seduced Zuko to blackmail him and continue playing the political game, when in reality, it was a terrible mistake. Azula might have “started it,” thanks to Ozai’s training, but she never would have considered kissing Zuko if Ozai hadn’t done what he did.

 Azula asserts that she hasn’t lost until she’s dead. I don’t think she means “winning Zuko” when she says this. She then puts out the fire and goes to sleep, dreaming about her father. After Zuko was banished, her training went into high gear, with more lessons on statecraft and the like. She was so busy that she didn’t have time to miss Zuko—which is definitely a lie—and he would have spoiled her happiness anyway by sulking and trying to get their dad’s attention. “It had been a source of amusement one, but they were not children anymore.” Oh honey, you both were children during canon. Maybe Zuko and the water siblings came of age during the show, but that age was still below what we would currently consider the age of majority.

 Azula wondered what Zuko would have thought about the sexual training Ozai inflicted on her. Not that she would ever have told Zuko. We then get a series of thoughts that were almost certainly things Ozai told her: “[Azula and Ozai were] willing to do whatever it took to succeed, to survive. [Zuko] would never realize that people will use anything against you, unless they are too afraid of your doing the same.” This is a paranoid way of looking at the world and the people around you, and also self-defeating. If people are afraid of you, they will turn on you the moment they think they can get away with it (and sometimes even before then—Mai knew that she was throwing her life away when she saved Zuko, but she did it regardless). Love and trust, on the other hand, are what makes people will stick by you, even if you’re a walking disaster.

 “[Zuko] never saw his own peril, until it was too late. Sometimes Azula thought he still didn’t see it.”—Foreshadowing!

 Azula then thinks about the training itself. “Her father said it would hurt the first time”—that’s a myth. If you have a vagina and are aroused and lubricated enough, even the first time shouldn’t hurt. “—but it didn’t only hurt the first time. Sometimes it was hard to know what he wanted, and he was as intolerant of failure in this as in her firebending.” This is awful, but also, Ozai sounds like a terrible sexual partner. You’re supposed to communicate what you want and don’t want during sex. You can’t expect your partner to intuitively know that. They’re not psychic!

 “As he should. It made her strong.” Azula, that training didn’t make you strong. It destroyed your boundaries and your ability to approach sex in a healthy way.

 “It wasn’t always—Sometimes he would stay with her after, and just talk. She liked those times. It made her feel important. It made her feel loved.” She’s shying away from thinking of it as awful, even though she clearly felt that it was. The implication is also that she didn’t feel important or loved during their other interactions. Ozai, you are a TERRIBLE parent!

 Which I think some part of Azula knows, because when she starts to feel the vines from the swamp wrapping around her, she imagines her dad molesting her. Still half-asleep, she lashes out with fire knives to free herself from the vines and runs out of her shelter. It’s daytime—Azula missed rising with the sun—and Azula is sicker now than she was the night before: “Her head pounded, her heart hammered, her joints ached like she took a beating. Her skin burned so hot that steam rose from her body when she hit the water.” This could suggest that she was beaten by Ozai at some point, but then again, all of these characters have been in combat, so that might be what this comparison is referring to.

 The plants keep trying to grab her, which I think indicates that the waterbenders in the swamp are trying to catch her. I seem to remember them being the ones in control of the vines, rather than the vines themselves being predatory. Azula manages to escape, but is winded from it, which means that she won’t be able to bend. She’s also dizzy, nauseous, and shivering uncontrollably. Plus, it’s actually evening now, so she slept through most of the day. Azula realizes that she has no idea where her old shelter is, so her supplies are lost to her. She’s experienced abdominal cramps, too, and wonders if she’s miscarrying.

 “This was what you wanted, she reminded herself pointlessly, though she knew very well what her mother would say. That she deserved this, for wishing her baby dead. Her tears fell on the water when Azula bent forward to hug herself, head bowed as if she could hold the pain inside anymore—” This might be the first time that Azula thinks of the fetus as her baby, which indicates that she might not want to lose it as much as she thinks she does.

 She then hallucinates child!Zuko, which is heartbreaking. He tells her not to cry, “his round face scrunched in the look of unstudied concern their mother loved so well, and which Azula could never recall him directing at her.” Ouch! The dysfunction in their relationship went back really far, didn’t it?

 “Didn’t he know the world would beat him down over and over again so long as he kept that way? That not just Father and Azula, but every person with an ounce of cunning would take advantage of him when he wore his heart on his sleeve like that? She told him so many times, but he never listened until it was too late.” So she acknowledges that she and Ozai took advantage of his naivety. She certainly did when she tried to trick Zuko into coming home early in season two. But also, Azula has a point. There are people in the world who take advantage of emotionally open and giving people. I don’t think that the solution to this is to harden your heart, though. Instead, you need to surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you. Zuko did that with the Gaang, which is part of why he succeeded and Azula failed. I’ll also note that Zuko would have done better with Azula as his ally, since she would have been more discerning about who was allowed in his court, and could have told Zuko about their ulterior motives and told him the unpleasant truths he wouldn’t want to hear. As it is, Mai has taken on that role.

 “Yet in the end, he prevailed. The world bent to him. He got to be himself without condition, but not her. Never her. She didn’t understand….” Zuko allied himself with what wound up being the winning side, due to Aang defeating Ozai. If Aang had fallen, Zuko’s fate would have been much grimmer.

 Zuko made a better choice than Azula did, but it’s important to note that he knew he had a choice. I don’t think Azula realized that leaving was an option for her. Why would she, when she believed that her nation was the best in the world, that their cause was right, and that if she stayed loyal, she would be the ruler of it all in the end? She would have lost everything if she’d left, and gained…what? The Gaang, Iroh, and Zuko hated her, so she couldn’t go to them. Mai and Ty Lee hadn’t defected yet, so she would have been abandoning them. And while she would have escaped Ozai’s abuse, she also saw Ozai as the only person who valued her and loved her for who she was. Even if being around him hurt, it was better than being alone.

 No one except Ozai, at any point, held out their hand to Azula and asked her to join them. So while she is responsible for her own choices, how much can we blame her for what she chose, when none of her alternatives seemed viable?

 Child!Zuko says that they are playing a game of hide-and-seek, which is true in the grand scheme of this story. He claims that he’ll always find her, which Azula says she no longer wants. He’s disappointed, but insists that it’s getting dark out, so he’ll help her find her way. He then lights the tiniest flame in his hand. “Azula’s stomach clenched painfully at the sight, plucked out from her earliest memories and brought freshly to life. How desperately she wanted to bend when Zuko made his first flame, and she saw how their parents explained over him….” This suggests that neither of Azula’s parents paid much attention to her before she first firebent. No wonder she came to believe that their love was conditional, and that she had to excel at what she did to earn it.

 Child!Zuko, seeing her sadness, assures her that she’ll learn how to firebend when she gets older. I think it was mentioned already that she learned when she was three, which is mind-boggling to think about, since she would have been a toddler. He adds that she’ll pick it up in no time, since she’s “smart for a girl.” Ah, that sexism. He could have left it at “you’re smart,” but he had to add that qualifier. While the Fire Nation is less overtly sexist than the EK and the NWT, it’s clear that sexism is still a problem there. That baby Zuko is saying things like this is symptomatic of that.

 “Half of what he said might be condescending bullshit, but this was still more supportive than Azula could ever remember him being.” This is very sad, since it means that Zuko started treating her as an adversary very early on in their childhood, once she proved better at something than him. He was jealous of her for earning their father’s interest, for all the good that did her. He was “resentful” when she survived her fall at the Western Air Temple, which is so ugly. He should have been relieved. She thinks of other moments where his hatred for her was apparent, like during the Agni Kai, at the asylum, aaaaand….

 “The night he raped her.” And there it is. She can’t bring herself to see what Ozai did to her as rape, but she views what Zuko did as such.

 “And she couldn’t reconcile it. How the little boy who stood before her could do—” This is a fascinating parallel to Mai’s thoughts about Zuko earlier in the chapter. Neither of them can understand how he did this. I’m reminded of how shocking it is to find out that someone that you know and care about sexually assaulted someone. What do you do afterwards? The safest option is to cut ties with them, but that doesn’t address the difficulty in doing so when they’re your family, or the grief of doing so when you’ve loved them for so long, only to find out that they weren’t who you thought they were.

 Azula starts to ask him why he did what he did, but I think she knows the answer to that—because Zuko hated her and wanted to punish her that night. So instead, Azula asks where this good, caring version of her brother was when she wanted him—which, in the context of this fic, was from the time she was a toddler until now.

 “‘Dad killed me,’ the hallucination said forlornly. ‘And you laughed.’” Ozai destroyed Zuko’s innocence just as much as he destroyed Azula’s.

 I thought this was a reference to Zuko and Ozai’s Agni Kai, but this seems to actually be referring to when Azulon told Ozai to kill Zuko, and Azula’s teasing about it: “Her chest clutched painfully when she remembered that night, the night her mother left. And Azula thought it was cruelly appropriate that it was not Ursa here with her, at the end.” Ouch!

 “She whispered, ‘I didn’t mean it.’”—I believe her, but unfortunately, the real Zuko never realized that.

 The vision version of him does, though. “Azula felt his presence as clearly as if he sat on the edge of her bed, when she pulled the covers over her head.” At some point, Azula was just a little girl who hid under the covers. “‘I know,’ she dimly heard him speak. And the last thing she felt was him hugging her shoulders, his head laid against hers.” This is heartbreaking. It’s an exchange they should have had in reality years ago, but one that they might never be able to have, now they’ve hurt each other so badly. This is one of the scenes that sticks with me the most, because of how tragic it is and how poignant the imagery is: of the tiny, kind version of Zuko hugging the adult version of his sister, who is being eaten away by sickness, grief, and remorse.

 And on that tearjerking note, we have reached the end of chapter fifteen. As always, thank you for the read, Aurelia. Thank you also to the folks on FFN and Tumblr who have been encouraging me to work on these reviews. Your support has been keeping me going!

 Until next time,

WiseAbsol