#ill feel really really bad if i dont eat it but itll make me sick but food trauma

[princessmyriad]

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[jatlokgwo]

were making bread in class and i get diffrent bread then everyone else becuz of allergies and the teacher put oil into my bread even though i said that i cabt eat oil

whyyyyy

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

[krunchylegs]

literal yap

i am so mad at myself bc i feel like ive basically reset my progress, ive walked a lot today (18k steps) but i feel sick rn bc i overate. i literally planned out my meals but when i was out i ate twice and then i was like, 'itll be fine ill skip dinner and it wont be too much' but then i ate dinner bc i played badminton (which im happy to get back into) but i think that made me hungry, and then i made myself breakfast and lunch for tomorrow and atm im using a protein powder with fat free greek yogurt and peanut butter mix for my breakfast (it is not low cal unfortunately but idk how to make it any lower and i dont want to remove the peanut butter). but anyways, thats what ive been eating for breakfast since like today basically, but i like it a lot and i wanted to eat it so bad but i knew id be so pissed and i was gonna just wait but then i decided to be an idiot and just made another serving of it and ate it and i didnt even measure anything properly and now i feel so dumb😭😭 im trying to give myself a little bit of slack bc today was super stressful for me bc im starting college and today was my first day and theres been a little family issues recently and i felt like shit and super emotional today so i think that might be why i just gave in to my cravings, its not even actual hunger its just what my brain wants not what my body is even asking for.

im not going to let this stop me tho, failing is just apart of the process ig 💔

also i was thinking about beginning ballet as an adult, ive only had a few classes when i was really little but ive been obsessed with ballet for like 2 or 3 years now and i felt too old to start but now im 18 and im like damn i couldve started during that time and i wouldve at least been somewhere with it by now 😭 but who cares, ik ballet is one of those things that most ppl only do if they grew into it but i feel like i didnt really get the chance to have a feel for it and if i hate it then at least i tried it. and ik its hard and ik itll be difficult but for me its more about having fun so yeah, im gonna ask my mum soon if i can join a class, she basically said that this year is my year to get all of my artsy stuff out of the way :/ so i may as well try pick something up to do. i just hope im not as isolated this year. i hated 6th year (final yr of highschool), literally no friends 😭 but like fr no one talked to me and i was so isolated it literally felt weird to talk for more than a few seconds. hopefully itll be different this time and i can make some friends, being lonely sucks so hard and its so cringe too like wdym ur in the bathroom stall the whole lunch period bc you dont want to eat + u got no friends, like bruh.

that school food was nasty tho idk why mfs were genuinely running for it...

[hardtoimagineblaireverchanging]

this could be the most incoherent string of text you have ever read but i want to try as hard as i can to sum up how im feeling, even though there are no words

i just sang through this is home and my voice sounded relatively deep, but not deep or masculine enough. i look down at my hands and they dont look like mine, they dont feel real, neither does my body, nor do i. im this close to using the pair of scissors i found on sunday, the ones i used to get my blades out of my sharpener, and my blades to just do my hair myself. knowing that its there is killing me. i want to cut my chest apart. i cant do anything to get it to look flatter. i never thought that i would want to but i really want to have top surgery, atleast now i do anyways. but the process is so long and its so expensive too. so is going on t. the only way either of those things would happen is if i go through private healthcare services, and that would be in a years time at least. i have the whole of two masculine outfits and ive been struggling to even wear pajamas because they all just seem so feminine. i hate every inch of my body and cant see anything masculine about it. i want to be toned, i want to have atleast slightly defined abs and muscles but its so out of reach for me because im fucking lazy, i want a v line, i want my collarbones and my jawline to be more prominent. i want my thighs to be thinner and more muscle rather than fat. i just want to look more like myself. i feel like im living someone elses life. people always say theyre ‘in the wrong body’ when they come out as trans but i well and truly am. i dont want this. i cant have this. its like a sick game and i want out. i dont know what other words to say. i cant find them. everything about me doesnt just feel wrong anymore, it is wrong. and it isnt taken seriously either.

im getting the worst urges in the world. i want to cut myself, burn myself, run away and make sure i dont get found. pack a bag, take everything i need with me, maybe take nothing at all. i know i wouldnt take my phone. id draw all the money i had out in cash, make myself harder to trace. or maybe i wouldnt take money. maybe id just disappear, completely. all i know is that im so tired, rhys, so fucking tired. you know the worst itll get is me harming myself, i wouldnt do anything worse than that, but i really want to. i cant cope with how real everything is. but it doesnt feel real enough at the same time. my thoughts are so conflicting and so confusing too, and all i want is quiet. youd be able to make things quiet. i know you would. i just want to sleep, lay with you. then ill stop thinking and itll be quiet.

my relationship with food is getting really messy again. part of me wants to eat and eat and keep eating until i start throwing up because i ate too much, part of me never wants to touch food again. i want to wither away. decay. i want everyone around me other than you to feel helpless, like this is their fault, because it is. the only person to help has been you, i wouldnt want you to feel guilty or helpless or responsible because you are the only good left in my pointless existence. i dont want to get out of bed or move ever again. i wont. things are really really bad this time. i think ive spent the best part of or atleast half an hour typing this out and i still feel there is so much more left to say or to explain but i dont know how to.

[gutlesh]

Day 7 tolerance break

10am

Woke up a while ago with w/d symptoms: stomach/guts hurting, muscle aches. I seem to have some energy/anxiety coming back bc i was driven to do some little admin tasks (renewing library books, filling out timesheet) that ive been putting off for a week.

I'm not looking forward to dealing with the GI symptoms since im gonna be out of the house for most of today at a pride event somewhere new to me. I'll bring some tylenol with me and not eat anything crazy and hope for the best? There might also be a party i go to so I'm not sure how that will be re:substances, it's advertised as all ages so i guess it won't be too substance heavy. If its too rough i will just leave meep. It's a 2 hour trip home so i'll have 2 leave kinda early anyways.

I should also bring stuff to help me sensory/autism cope. Headphones, stim toy, familiar snacks, gum, sunglasses. Maybe i should wear sunscreen we'll probably be outside a while. At least it wont be very hot today :')

Ah besides the worries im excited to hang out w the person who invited me and get to know him better, and i'm really curious about what this event will be like bc ive never been to a pride parade or any other event by indigenous ppl. Part of me is worried abt offending people and while thats well intentioned i know its the sjw brainwashing lol as long as i am chill and nice and follow the lead of people around me im sure it will be fine. And if i mess up i can trust the ppl around me to tell me and ill fix it bc i am a mature adult who can take criticism, and being criticised or hurting other ppls feelings doesnt make me a bad person it just means i made a mistake which everyone does. How would i even know everything abt being indigenous when i'm not. Lol. God tumblr interacted so badly with my morality ocd i'm still undoing the damage 10 years on 😔😔 sometimes i wish i grew up like more normal but id just be messed up in some other way lbr

Anyway!!!! Im gonna dress up in a cute lil goth girl fit and itll be fun and ill meet cool people and probably hear cool music and eat new food and get to know this sick dood who i wanna kiss hehehehe. And i will NOT shit myself. Manifesting it 😤😤😤🙏🙏 w/d switching from constipation to diarrhea was such a dirty move like girl cmon im not even going away forever just takin some space i still love u miss mary jane u dont have to do all this 😩

[zbodyblog]

Did not like some tinder guy + felt guilty about screwing around on A (though i know its kosher for us) and the rest of that gym sesh suddenly became much harder. That combined with having to TREK thru good smelling but cold streets got me not hungry but craving bread and pizza which i allowed. Or at least i thought about the foods i have and just wanted something way tastier/easier. Good news is i think my stomach is smaller cuz i couldnt even eat all the pizza (and in fact im a bit sick, i think my body was shocked by all that) but I realize that bad experiences make me turn to comfort foods a lot and im not sure how to deal with that really other than trying to double down my will power (i get quite permissive after being on a diet for a while, my will gets weaakk). I need to figure out something i can look forward to eating at home. Its just so hard because most comforting food has some kind of high glycemic index food (mostly bread and sugar). Well, maybe if i allow myself a bit, it wont have a high load and itll allow me to look forward to it. Bread may be too good to give up. Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Ill get lattes with A and may eat earlier so i dont feel stressed and weird during our study but im still invested in this. God its only wed and it has been a long week, though that may be the long hours as well as the restriction. Honestly i was barely hungry most of today and i didnt even have shirataki so its definitely getting easier.

[scrambled-eggsed]

Rant abt pe class:D

Do i skip pe for the third time in a row (pros - im tired, i wont have to sweat, i fucking hate pe as the designated fat trans kid, i wont have to change clothes to pe and then chage back in a rush after pe before the next class, i wont be dead inside for the next class. Cons - pe teacher is already mad im not showing up to so many classes, if i skip now itll be more awkrward to show up on sunday and eventually ill end up in an inescapable cycle of skipping pe, if i skip too many lessons ill have to make up for them later. Although i think i already need to make up for a few lessons so what does it matter anymore really. And also fucking whatever this day is too long and i thought id be fine with no food but i am not and i need to go to the fucking optometrist after school and i have to deal with Thee most annoying teacher in the class after pe. And while my dysphoria isnt afwful its still not great w sports shoes and i dont like this situation. Also have i mentioned i am hungry as hell so pe might just kill me. Ill probably skip i guess)

[ivyuns]

landing in my heart: closer

genre: angst, slight fluff

word count: 2.3k

warnings: location is in north korea, jealousy, guns, car crashes, kinda rushed lol

part three of landing in my heart

landing in my heart information

“what did you just say?”

“i would appreciate if you put the gun away from my fiancee”

“she belongs to division 11. and for those who doesnt know, shes unable to release her personal information. now if you mind, my fiancee is exhausted from her recent mission she came back from” jisung told everybody. on point, your body falls onto jisung’s shoulders, acting as if you were actually exhausted.

jisung takes you to his property till you two are out of sight until jisung clears his throat. “you can let go now” without hesitation, you let go and immediately asks whats division 11 is all about. telling you everything, you enter the house with jisung trailing behind you.

jisung takes you to his property till you two are out of sight until jisung clears his throat. “you can let go now” without hesitation, you let go and immediately asks whats division 11 is all about. telling you everything, you enter the house with jisung trailing behind you.

jisung offers you a cup of water and telling you to drink it to calm down. you gladly accept it as he takes a deep breath. “house inspections happens randomly, but i didnt expect it to happen today. im sorry”

“well, im sure you were equally surprised by it too, so no worries. and you showed up on perfect timing too” you smiled at him, drinking the water then looking around. “by the way, are you hurt? are you okay?” jisung asks while hes checking up on you for any hurt wounds. looking up and making eye contact, you see how his eyes were full of worry. shaking you head a no, you smile at him and was distrubed by knocks on jisungs gates.

“captain han! are you there?!”

jisung goes to open the door and sees the village women, who had heard about the news about you and offers him food. feeling like he couldnt hold any plates, they offer him to help him and take it into the house until you appear behind him.

“o-oh! nice to meet you, captain han’s fiancee” one of the women says. greeting them back, you grab one of the plate full of food from jisung. before you two could go, they ask you where your last mission was, what was it about and how was it. expecting to answer all their questions, you replied as “im sorry, i cant have my information out there”. the women gasp, shocked at they way you talked to them.

jisung tells them to go home and have a good night. doing what theyre told, they walked away and you close the gate. “is captain han really in love with her?” “is this a one-sided love?” “look at her hair, it looks so messy!” hearing all the comments they made about you made you stop your tracks, as long as jisung. gritting you teeth in annoyance, you two continued to go inside the house and ate the food they made for you two.

as you two got ready for bed, jisung made you sleep in the living room as he slept in his room. talking though the closed door, you asked him if he ever went to switzerland. “sorry if im being nosy. but i saw piano sheets and an application form from switzerland. did you have a girlfriend that you would play the piano to?” with no response from him, you drifted to sleep.

after the years go by, yiseo is back in pyongyang. passing the gates, yiseo bumps into minseok, who smiles at her and lets her go first. yiseo smiles back and proceeds until she sees her uncle, myeongseok. “ah, look at my yiseo. you lost a lot of weight during your studies in russia.”

“damn, its always the north korean women who have the best taste” minseok tells himself, but as his bodyguard hears him, he tells them to be careful of what he says. minseok then tells him he will pay him an extra 10,000 won if hed stop nagging him, but hell pay minseok 10,000 won if he nags to him again.

as yiseo and myeongseok stops at their car outside the airport, she realized what happened to the other car. “uncle, wheres the other car?” she asks. “oh, i had to lend it to jisung” “are you going to pick it up or is he bringing it back here” “im sure i can go there and pick it up after my recital tomorrow” “huh?! are you sure? i didnt even mention you were coming back to him because he never asks about you” “what kind of woman doesnt remember her fiance?”

the coal mine.

cheolgang enters the coal mine and enters the wire-trapper room after greeting his soldiers. the soldiers gets up from their seats and salutes cheolgang. “ive seen you all work hard, thank you”. manbok hears cheolgang and immediately salutes him. cheolgang tells manbok to follow him into the back exit.

“sir, what brings you all the way here?” manbok asks. “ri muyeok’s brother is now in the outpost. so i need you to wire his house. theres a women in there and im using it to ruin his family” as cheolgang finishes. manbok gets flashbacks about jisung’s brother.

7 years ago.

“you see, my little brother is studying in switzerland right now” muyeok says in the car with another soldier. “mmhm, hes a piano genius with a full scholarship. but everytime i call him, hes always sorry. maybe its because one of us had to follow our dads path” muyeok replies. “did you wanted to be on the piano path?” “nah, i wasnt into it as jisung was so i took this path” the soldier nods his head. “but he told me when he gets back, he’ll play a song for me, so im excited for that. i bet itll put me in a happy mood”

manbok, who listens to their conversation, helping cheolgang with his favor; killing muhyeok. telling where the driver to go, they collied with muyeoks vehicle. hearing the crashing noises made manbok go numb.

everyones outside the village, looking though jisung’s car, full of excitement. eavesdropping from the gate, jisung comes behind you and tells you hes leaving. “wait let me walk you out. so those women can see what i actually look like since it was dark outside” “no, theres no time for that. also, here. tie it up” jisung gives you a handkerchief. “tie what up?” jisung turns you around and ties your hair up, securing it with a double knot.

heading out of the gate together, you pretended to play the good wife and walked jisung out of the house. before he could leave your sight, you grabbed his wrist and told him to pat you hair, as if you two were being real about your engagement. he then pats your house as everyone is disgusted at your actions. you then tell him to wave at you in which he did. waving at him back, he turns around and heads to the base, bowing at people.

the village women from last night shows up to jisungs house after bad talking about you, inviting for a kimchi battle, you refuse.

back at the base, all soldiers are in an array. “hwang hyunjin, lee felix, kim seungmin, and yang jeongin. all of you but the four of you, head to the shooting range”

with everyone gone but the five of them, they meeting in jisung’s office. “so what did you tell them” hyunjin asks. “i told them shes my fiancee” everyone gasp loudly. “guys just be quiet right now. we just need a plan for her to get back on the boat”

as the four men walk to jisungs house as jisung himself goes to where the accident happened. as he talks to the soldier that was the guard for the place couldnt see what exactly happened since it was dark but he took note on how empty the cargo was and how the front the truck had armor. a very sharp armor.

in south korea, sehyeong calls the people who are helping him track down minseok, telling them to go to the places where he think hes hiding at. at the family meeting, both sehyeong and sejun continue to fight over who would be the next heir. sanga recommends the la vie en rose should be over if your disappearance is longer than expected.

in the village, you can see how hard life is as a north korean. telling the boys that youre off into the house to get potatoes, you noticed a little boy stealing one of the jackets. as the boys saw, they quickly ran towards the little boy and manages to stop him, as a bag of rice falls off of his pocket. “let me go! i need to feed my sister who hasnt eaten in 3 days and because of that, she cant open her eyes!”

making everyone come back to the house, you grabbed food from the cupboards as hyunjin is speaking nonsense. “you really act like this is your own house. youre giving away food thats not even yours to some boy whos lying” after putting the food into a tote bag, as well as a small blanket, youre stopped as you see jisung. “captain han! hes faking it!” hyunjin yells out. “no im not!”

“shut up hyunjin” you shut him up. jisung tells the little boy to wash his face and hands before eating so that he can prevent getting sick. after he washes he face and hands, he runs towards his little sister, who is sleeping alone under cardboard and a small sheet covering it. finally happy to feed his sister.

after that is finished, everyone gathers around and spends time with you before you leave tonight. “okay everyone! today i will give you awards to claim once we meet again” “awards!? are you a general or something?-” “and the first award goes to yang jeongin !” you say as you cut off hyunjin. “now you have two choices. you can use your prize as we see each other again or get it now. when we meet, youll get 100 million won, or get 8 corn now” “ill get the corn!”

“second prize goes to lee felix! your prize when we meet again is have lunch with jiwoo or get the tv right there” you pointed to jisungs tv. “look-” “dont worry, hell pick the first one” you whisper back to jisung. “ill pick the first one” felix gets up and claims his award.

“third one goes to the most handsome is ... kim seungmin!” jisung looks at you with disbelief. “you can have a blind date with miss korea or any award youd like” “ill choose none” nodding you head, you agreed seungmin is like the boys in south korea.

“okay thats all-” “wait what about me” hyunjin asks. “seriously? fine here, have this shampoo, conditioner, and bodywash” as you threw him the bag full of the products jisung got you earlier. “what the- captain han you really bought her this?!�� “she said it was essentials”

after announcing the awards and coming to the end, jisung gets up as jealousy is on him, and goes out of the house. following him behind, you take him to your thank you gift for him; tomatoes after giving the seller half of jisungs potato sack since you didnt have any money. however, jisungs not impressed since he doesnt like tomatoes and doesnt properly treat it well. “whatever, just water it and say 10 nice things to it”

the night comes and everything leads to the end. the 4 men are back, eating corn on the mountain near the base with the moon shinning on them. “i feel sad now” jeongin speaks, stopping the silence. “after all the complications, its now the end”

you and jisung go inside the car jisung borrowed from myeonseok. heading to the dock where youre finally going home. taking off the handkerchief jisung gave you for you hair and folding it, you put it in the middle. “thank you for everything. i mean it” you told him. “we wont see each other again, right?” “probably” jisung answers. “its such a shame that you live here.” “its a shame that you live there” you chuckled at his joke, creating silence in the car once again.

parking the car near the deck, felix’s dad comes out of his boat as you two walk out. giving him the ticket, he asks if its just you. “no, the two of us. ill return after she is on the other boat” jisung says as you widen your eyes at him.

going onto the boat and sailing into the middle of the ocean. “since we probably wont see each other again, my name is yoon y/n” jisung looks at you with sincere eyes. “my name is han jisung” jisung smiles.

“ah, im a member of the haeju yoon clan. haeju is in north korea right?” “im a member of hanju han clan” “the irony!” both of you laugh, making jisung feeling happy after a while.

suddenly, a flash a light flashed the boat. “stop the boat!” yelled the other boat who was trailing behind felix’s dads boat. you and jisung hid under the boat as the boat was stopped. the police were investigating the boat. “were here to see your honesty and see if youre trading goods or smuggling humans to other countries” “why would i do that?” the police stomps on the blue hallow board, which was where you and jisung were hiding.

“open up!” was what you both heard underneath. “jisung! what do we do?! youre a soldier you should know what to do. geez” you silently yelled out. “in south korean dramas-” “what?! this is no time to talk about this” you freaked out. “im going to do something. now look at me and dont be startled. look at me and nothing else”

with that, jisung slams his lips into yours as the door opened.

additional ending:

after you leave jisung alone with the tomato plant, jisung bends down and tells 10 nice words.

“sunshine, happiness, rose, friends, breeze, cheekies, family, flowers, love, and piano”

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

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Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[liv-iathen]

im so sick of feeling the way that i do and it just keeps getting progressively worse like i thought i felt bad 2-3 years ago but fuck i literally dont wanna do anything ever anymore i just want to sleep. I knew it was gonna get bad after my dui but i literally havent felt this bad in awhile. Even eating has felt disgusting lately i havent felt good after eating anything for the past month or two i just feel sick to my stomach. i feel like i just shouldnt or dont deserve to eat bc i feel like a shitty person but when i do feel like eating i eat so much and than feel disgusting about that afterwards and again... feel like a shitty person. i just feel like a disgusting person all of the time and its like even 2 yrs ago i would say sometimes to myself like “okaaay girl youre bomb” and now i just feel like shit all the time. even music is starting to get unsatisfying and doesnt make me feel better which is how i know im truly feeling like shit i have never felt that way before. I havent truly played any games in over a month which is also extremely unlike me. I can barely even watch tv. all ive been doing is sitting on my phone reading bullshit or ill half ass watch stuff but its hard to fully pay attention. i probably should see a therapist but ive had horrible, non personal experiences with every therapist ive had even when i was a small kid and thats why i dont feel like itll help. theyre there for a paycheck not to genuinely care about what happens to their patients because as long as theyre getting a check thats all that matters. but i guess i just have to do it again and at least try to talk to someone. I also dont want to go on medication again but maybe i should. Im mad at myself for allowing myself to become an alcoholic because i knew what i was getting myself into when i first started drinking more like actually legit told myself i will get addicted but i just didnt listen and now i know i have an issue. Im sick of feeling like im being irrational for how i feel when its literally how i feel but im also stuck thinking maybe i am really just a crazy ass bitch?? And its hard feeling stuck between those two all the time i dont know whats worth speaking up about or not. I really am just miserable and im sorry to anyone whose had to deal with me and my fucking miserable bullshit because its not fair for me to act this way all the time but i also am just so sad. Once i get health insurance WHICH IM OFFICIALLY GETTING THIS YEAR im gonna go talk to somebody. Im also sick of my shite boyfriend but ya know what ive bitched enough we’ll just save that for another day

[freelytinystudentblog-blog]

Beginning

So I guess for starters Im gonna say i am probably going to remain anonymous for a while. Also this stuff might get deep and personal so ill change all names. Since freelytinystudentblog is ridiculously long im just going to go but Eve because why not. Im not trying to look for attention posting all this stuff but i need an outlet and what better way to do it than anonymously on a website where it probably wont get read. So if you do happen to stumble onto this page then welcome. Hopefully you wont get bored. I guess its time for me to start with the beging which would be about 3ish years ago when I was a wee little lass and believed that because i was 13 i was basically the shit(which i obvously wasnt). I had moved a total of 3 times which doesnt seem too bad but it was always when i got really attached to people we moved and i never spoke to them again. This time was no different. We moved from one small town to another. Being one of the only mixed kids there besides my brother was surprisingly positive and annoying. Why youre probaly not asking? Well because my hair was everyones interest. A big ball of poof i always threw into a pony tail because honestly there wasnt much else to do with it. Everyone wanted to play with it or see how much stuff i could hide in it. It was fun at first but quickly got annoying. While there was that downside to the town it also had some positives. For example it was there that i realized that i was bisexual. To be honest i never thought about liking girls until my boyfriend at the time and his friend were talking about how they were both Bi and i said it to fit in a little. I didnt actually believe it until i realized the way girls made me felt. How i always caught myself looking at their chests and their butts, and how i fell for my friend Taylor. She was my first offical girl crush. Anyway this is getting a little off topic though it was important. Like i said there were many positives like the cool friends i got to meet, I got into blood in the dance floor and had a little emo phase and met a guy i thought id be with forever. That all sounds good but with all positives comes negatives. I began to get super depressed and even cut a few times. I felt trapped in my relationship with Damien. Whenever we fought hed threaten to kill himself or say stuff like “without you id kill myself” which is a shitty thing to say to someone in my opinion. I started doing things id never do like sneaking my boyfriend over and all that. But the biggest neutral that happened was me losing my virginity. No big deal it seems but i was freshly turned 14 and he was 16. We werent safe there was no protection. I know losing your virginity is supposed to be meaningful but i dont remember it. I wasnt drunk or anything so i dont know why i dont remember it. Anyway a couple weeks later i snuck out and walked around town and ended up having sex again in the graveyeard(insert judgement here) I knew something was wrong soon after. I felt sick so i told him i thought i was pregnant. He paled and asked if i was would i abort it. I instantly said no because i dont believe in abortions. After that night things got weird. Me my mom and my brother went to Tennessee. Driving up the mountains i felt sick to my stomach which i brushed off as carsickness. We get back from our vacation and i started craving the weirdest shit like frozen hot pockets, whole packages of cheese ect. I caught myself randomly thinking about having a baby and got scared. I ended up having my older family friend get me a pregnancy test and surprise surprise i was el prego. I cried for about 5 minuets before shutting down. I didnt know how to feel i was only 14. I called and  told Damien that night and he was as shocked as i was. Later on he told me he started crying after we hung up. So a few days later i went home and told mom. She wasnt as mad as i thought she would be. She refused to let me give the baby up for adoption because it was my mistake and i had to live with it. I dont think i couldve done it anyway. No one really understands how attached you get to the little baby inside you. I believe the same day i told the rest of my family. My grandma didnt talk to me for a couple of months. I had an aunt who told me i needed to give it up for adoption because i was gonna ruin the babys life.I had another aunt not let me see my cousin Bri for atleast 6 months which hurt so much. Me and bri are like sisters we’ve been almost inseperable ever since we were little which is funny since shes younger than me. Damien was determined to stay in the babys life and not leave no matter what. Me being pregnant at such a young age wasnt easy. I lost most of my friends and began homeschooling which was terrible. The nine months of me being pregnant was basically filled with me fighting with my boyfriend getting insanely jealous, cheating, and more sex. We shouldve left each other months ago. Looking back i shouldve left sooner. It was a toxic relationship for both of us. 9 months later my baby boy was born. Mister Phoenix. My angel. It was kind of ridiculous damien and i fought even in the hospital. We brought phoenix home and i was hoping the relationshup would get better. It didnt. I caught him sexting his ex and swore to break it off with him. I didnt. I swore to myself i wasnt going to let my baby grow up without a father. In july 2015 we moved 45 minuets away. Damien came on the weekends because my mom picked him up and took him home. That laster all summer until school started and he couldnt anymore. It seemed like us being apart made us fight even more. By november he broke up with me. Now i was 15 and a single mother. I was devasted. I had no one to turn to since i didnt have any friends in my new town. I was alone and began eating my depression away. Every month on the 11th i would sit down and cry. I wasnt in a good state. By 2016 i swore to myself id move on from Damien and become an amazing mother but it was so hard He kept popping in every 3 months or so flirting with me making me fall for him over and over again only to get crushed over and over again. It was a hellish cycle but honestly im glad i went though it. Why you ask? Well simply because every time he left itd give me more reason to stop liking him and even hating him. Now he texts me and i just roll my eyes. Going through that definately helped me move on. He wasnt there for any of the birthdays and i honestly am glad. I understand its my kids father but i grew up with a dad who lived in the same city and still couldnt come see me. I dont want my baby going through that. Once hes older i plan on explaining everything and giving him a choice of whether he wants to get in contact with his father or not. Itll be completely up to him. Now before you start judging me to hard think about this. I became a single parent at 15. The father never visted his son or even asked. Hell this january was the first time he saw phoenix in Two years. Two thats ridiculous. After the very awkward encounter he hasnt bothered asking to see him since. Its hard for people who dont have kids to understand this i know but i know what im doing is for the best. This sunday is going to be his 3rd birthday and his father came up with stupid excuses as usual. Now i know i left out some stuff but some of it is hard to put into words plus if i added anymore itd be unbelievably long. So this was the begining and current i guess. 14 and pregnant. 15 and a single parent. currently almost 18 and still doing it bymyself just a little better. Thats all for now. Ill probably make another one soon about relationships while being a single parent so yeah. Peace.

[sanhatation]

ri’s thicc 2017 reflection post !

its still quite a few hours away from 2018 for me but i just wanted to take this time to reflect on my absolutely Lovely 2017!!! yay time 2 get sappy as i word vomit and overshare about my year on tumblr.com !!!!

thank you loads to all of my LOVELY followers !!!!!!!!! yall are the cutest, make my day on the daily ! i wish you the best 2018 that the world can offer !!! stay healthy, take time for yourself, love yourself, love others, and be kind! 💓💓

this Riley Rant here, is gonna be here for me than anything. like a Fat journal entry !! and i am an Oversharer so here she goes [jeopardy music]

to begin, i have met and befriended so many amazing people on here this year and WOW!!!!!! lovely and supportive and talented, beautiful aroha friends??? it doesnt get better than that!!!!! i would attempt to tag all of u but yall know who u are ;)) im endlessly grateful to those of you who have really made being on here worth it. heck ya sometimes im like “why do i even spend time on here” but then!!!! idk sunny comes swingin in with just a heart full of love or sara comes swingin in with her eggs or marian comes swingin in with her rare pairs or j comes swingin in with her baking posts and thats not even HALF of it !!!!! seriously.....love you guys tons.

to my friends who i have had the pleasure of remaining your friend this year and getting closer to u !! i love you. i really dont know how yall handle me especially 2015/2016 me?? a MESS! yall are the REALEST. again, yall know who u are ;)) i hope we can continue to talk and have fun in 2018, i wish yall the best. 

and lastly....heres a THICC shoutout to my six shining stars. 

as for me as an individual, 2017 was a freaking Whack year. it was incredible....dare i say, iconic. and now its time for.....RILEY’S 2017 HIGHLIGHTS !!!!!! (also includes: the sucky parts bc even those allowed me to grow !)

- man, did 2017 start out pretty rough when my country decided it was a good idea to elect a freakin cheeto for president. however! i had the lovely opportunity to attend the women’s march at my capital the day before inauguration !! and it was powerful!!!! truly an experience ill treasure forever!

- binch....thank u Winter Dream for my whole life. tbh i wont forget sobbing at my best friend’s house when it dropped. thank u Miss Again Dance Practice. thank u Miss You & Me MV. thank u Miss Cotton Candy Choreography. thank u. 

- ah.....when some pinhead started that tr*mp chanting at a basketball game lol! so iconic that we made the new york times! gotta love that....

- OMG !!! HOW TO SUCCEED !!!! an absolutely amazing experience. granted, the male lead was a Snake, but i had a blast. Rosemary will forever be close to my heart and ill always cry a little when i hear Brotherhood of Man or Paris Original !! such an awesome opportunity. i learned a frick ton about myself as a performer. i improved a ton in acting and dancing, and also came to learn that i am very good at receiving instructions and memorizing lines quickly. i learned that i need to work on some of my facial expressions and i also learned some of my habits ! i miss u Queenie H2$ :’’)

- had my first tap dance performance ever??? i really enjoyed learning tap, and i hope to pick it back up in the future !!!!

- BIIIIIINCCH i had the opportunity to visit my sister in korea!!!!!!! wow.....truly the BEST week of my entire year, maybe even LIFE! i went to the dog cafe, the sheep cafe, mcountdown, the lunar festival kick off, gwanghwamun palace, dongdaemun, shopped a ton around hongdae, ate food by the han river, visited namsan tower (but not without getting lost), hit the noraebang TWICE, walked into a private Fantagio board meeting, ate delicious chicken on a STIIICK, ran in the rain, ordered delivery mcdonalds, had the BEST fried chicken, met a bunch of monks, was led around dongdaemun by a very old korean man, SAW EUNWOO AND DOYEON AND RECEIVED MUCH LOVE AND NEARLY DIED, hit the convenience store literally every day, snuck out, GOT A WAVE FROM KEY :((( , bought Winter Dream and lots of skin care products and lots of cute clothes, had the clearest skin ive ever had in my life, went to a buddhist temple, witnessed a drunk man fall into the splits inbetween the ground and the subway, ran up and down 1000 subway stairs, fell in love with a man named Peanut, drank too much banana and strawberry milk, sobbed my face off at the festival as korean grandmas bowed to me, tried tons of new foods (including the nastiest bowl of cheese ramyun ive ever had in my life), bought lots of socks, rode an airplane for......like 40 hours in total? literally the best week of my Life

- had my junior vocal recital ! it was a cute girl. i felt my acting had really improved since sophomore voice recital !! 

- had prom on my 17th birthday and had a jolly good time !!! my mom made my dress and i felt like a Stunner

- dream pt. 01...she rly is that Bad Bih. best era. miss her loads. none of us ever deserved her. 

- les mis !!!!!! two whole weeks.....another Best Time. i learned so much, made so many lifetime friends, had a blast, sang my heart out.....such a freaking good time. i miss her

- got to spend the ENTIRE summer with momo!!!!!!!!!!! literally the ENTIRE!!!!! and what did we do? hit the park, watched lemonade mouth and fantastic beasts and starstruck and that random unicorn movie, made the Best slime, made that ICONIC weki meki video, laughed a ton, cried a ton, stayed up all night for the sunrise, stayed later for the sunset & thunderstorm, walked home in the pouring rain & lightning (IT IS VERY WET), went to the beach, met many dogs, got me hairs cut, befriended that Cat, and went to a painting class

- cabin week !!!!!!!!!!! whatta lovely time

- my brother’s wedding !!!! honestly? my best outfit of the year... had a bangin time. his wife is truly a cutie and i love her tons!

- there was that Mess in august and i still feel sorry to those who felt hurt because of it. i learned a lot about how things especially on the internet can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted, so u gotta be EXTRA careful with your words ! 

- through that i also came to accept that u cant get everyone to understand or like u, and tbh that is okay for now. all we can do when we make mistakes is try to understand & learn, apologize, and try to better ourselves. and sometimes even when u do that, u still may not be liked. and thats okay. as long as you are trying your best and recognize mistakes, its all good. 

-skinny dipped at girls time wow what a freaking TIME

- woah dude i dropped out of my arts school lmao!!! the BIGGEST change in my life since 2014.;..wow! i dont even have the words to say how much stress was lifted off of me and i love senior yr !!!!

- momo came to CT!!!!!! 

- seeing svt live !!!!! but tbh the best part was seeing momo, “I LOVE A MAN WHO CAN SEW”, “I!!!!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JIHOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, “IM UNDERAGE”, and when Mo BLASTED to that other line

- LAKE COMPOUNCE LMAOOOOO I LOVE JIHOON PT2!!!!

- my mom, sister, and i took an eight week painting class! i finished two paintings and learned a ton!! honestly a good time

- dream pt. 02.....shes that other Bad Bih....absolutely adore her

- i also learned that its okay to cut people off who are toxic. especially if you have already informed them that they make u feel bad, they are not worth trying to please or keep around. take care of yourself. similarly, its okay to block people, and you dont owe them an explanation

- MADI CAME HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my other half...missed her so much :(((

- riley’s calligraphy christmas !!!!! was so much fun and i loved people’s reactions and i loved learning arohas favorite astro lyrics !!!

- ah...............one of the hardest weeks of my whole life. the pain still lingers, and i know itll hit me again like a boulder the next time we see only four of my angels standing on stage. for four months, i was worried sick about another member, and i even knew he was hurting, that his mental illness was real. my heart aches and there is a piece of it missing, but it will never be replaced. i know you are much happier now, jjong. i love you. 

- and also because of that, i have been able to think a lot about how i live my life. thoughts like ‘am i watching out for my family and friends enough?’ ‘am i listening enough?’ ‘is this funny comment worth it?’ ‘am i happy?’ im trying to be better. to not take things for granted, to only be kind, to always be there for those i love, for those who love me. and i will try my hardest to not complain about small or petty inconveniences. to try harder to be optimistic. 

- christmas was with my whole family for the first time in five years ;;; she was such a cute girl!

and now on to the next act !!!! its called RILEY’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS !!!!!!!!!! 

1. lets start with the basic stuff that im 99% not gonna pull through on: keep ur room clean. keep everywhere u go clean, it makes mom upset. eat better, u know there is other foods in this house besides peanut butter and pepperoni and popcorn. 

2. send out at least one Lovely Ask per day. i made this goal sometime over the summer, and i did it for a few months until i started to forget ;; its not that hard, u just gotta remember to do it !! 

3. sis.....quit Procrastinating.......GET ur FREAKING application done...do ur homework the night before lmao! call who u need to !!! write those thank u cards!!!! go get them scholarships!!!! enter that graphic design contest lmao!!! just DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! time is wasting

4. just be happy 

[strawberryspeachy]

So far on the boys ive talked to in japan - aside that teacher

1) around september i decided to look at whose on tinder. One boy i matched with talked to me and didn’t stop responding upon finding out i was not japanese. He helped me with a couple japanese phrases - telling me what sounded most natural. Asked me if i lived alone. Said he wanted to meet me.... asked if i was free that week. I said yes. I gave him a couple days that i was off. He never responded again - that was about 5-6~ days into talking

2) october i went to a club... after a disappointing night i talked to the cute ... not bar person but like he was on the floor. I thought he’d walk away but he got all happy and kept moving close to me to talk. It being too loud combined with my poor japanese and his no english meant we used google translate to talk mostly. Added each other on instagram and he said he’d like to hang out sometime. I asked about a few days and he pulled out his calendar and both were days he worked- he had two jobs. He said we’ll figure out a time later. We had some conversations on instagram. Then after a couple weeks his stories always showed him with friends. I asked him a couple times when he was free and he said he was working all the time. After another weekish of that i said it seemed that he had time to see his friends but not me. And he basically just said yep

3) december i got back on tinder. But for real. Not just a qick swipe through. Talked to the next guy with a bunch of other dudes. Was just talking. Trying to improve my english. Hoping someone would ask me to go eat with them since that is what id written on my profile. This boy asked me to hang out. We’d talked more and more over the two weeks and he said he really wanted to see me. But he couldnt cause he was working too much. Then he told me when he has a break. I had the flu at the same time and told him id tell him when i was better and he got sweeter and sweeter toward me. Then we talked on the phone and it was awkward and difficult cause my japanese not being great is even worse when i cant gesture. But it went well. Then. Suddenly. Over text the tinder boy - lets have sex! - bs came up. I said i didnt want to the first time we meet and i wanna just talk. He asked a couple more times about it and then agreed. The day before we talked on the phone again - he suddenly said he had to take another call and hung up and then didnt say anything else the rest of the night. I freaked out a bit that night thinking hed stopped talking to me. But the next morning he messaged me like nothing happened. Didnt even want to acknowledge my freak out aside from telling me not to think so much.

We met up. He took me to a shrine. We got fortunes and ties them to a tree... then he took me to his apartment... fast... he said he wanted to watch movies together.... bought... chocolate. I mean great but i wanted real food i was hungry. Then. He kept trying to have sex with me. So many times just pushed and pushed. Would not take no for an answer. Finally when... he was trying to take off more of my clothes and i wouldnt let him and said no again. He asked if i had my period. And only stopped after i said i did. Kept trying to pursuade me to give him a blowjob.

Before that... he asked me to be his girlfriend. Said he was moving soon and asked me to move in with him. Told me hed be workig two jobs for the rest of january so we couldnt meet again till February...

Anyhow after i kept saying no to a blow job and other stuff happened i asked him if we could go get food. He said he didnt have money and cooked bad ramen on the stove and french fries... he drank a bunch of alcoholic. We watched some music videos and he went to sleep.

When he kinda seemed to wake up i tried to make a point of me leaving. He just acted kinda annoyed that he had to even still deal with me being there at that point and ignored me while trying to sleep... he ghosted me right in front of me

He replied to my text the next day with some nonsense and about a week later he told me about his apartment plans. He sent one last text about it before... never responding again

I let it be for the next four weeks... till the days he was supposededly done working two jobs and couls see me again. Hed made story postings during this time

But yea. Never replied to me again

4) some boy who wanted to get better at english cause hes moving to the us. We talked on the phone a couple times near christmas. He complained about not having a gf and said he wanted to hang out. But the times i asked he was “busy”. We hung out once... played darts. He said he didnt want to drink cause he drank the night before and he ate before meeting me so left early.... said next time. There was never a next time.

5) some guy i talked to a bit. He asked to meet up. I agreed. Took a whole for us to find each other cause he kept...... hanging up the phone on me.... he didnt look like his pic and he dressed weird. He basically hailed me over when he found me and then walked fast so that i basically had to chase him around. He was one of those dudes that walks with his hands out like people are supposed to move for him. After about 20 minutes of that he told me to wait while he pretended to get a call and then told me his dog is sick and he needed to leave to take her to the hospital. He said well meet again. Never saw him again not that i wanted too.

6) talked to another boy for a couple weeks. Just about fun stuff it was good conversation. We talked about music and movies and murder mystery parties. About our days and just generally the kind of good conversation you have with friends. Around the third week we talked about meeting... but. Then. Tinderboy - i wanna have sex! Came into the convo... i told him i had my period and asked if we could go out to drink instead. He said lets drink before we do next week. Whatever. Next week comes around. Same good conversation everyday. The day of comes and he responded to me in the morning reconfirming the time and place and stuff. Once the time to meet rolled around. No response. I called him a couple times more so to bitch him out. He blocked me.

7) some other dude. We talked a bit. He asked me to go out to eat. Post poned 3 times that night cause he was working later than he was supposed to. I was so hungry. No he didn’t wanna go out to eat. Bought me some convience store food and barely let me finish eating before hooking up... he said thanks to my happy birthday message. But otherwise we havent talked again. Even though hes a ten minute walk away.

8) then of course theres the absolutely adorable boy who took me out on the date of my dreams.... until he silently walked me the train station. Said bye. And now has slowly ghosted me all week. He just unmatched me on tinder after i asked about it so. Guess he’s gone. Which has me feeling fucking terrible.

9) talked to a guy a couple days ago. He asked if i wanted to hook up. I basically agreed. I WANTED HUMAN CONTACT ON VALENTINES DAY. He told me beforehand he was only free for a couple hours. Asked if i wanted him to pick me up the night before buttttt i got my hair treated and shouldnt sweat so i said it was too late and i needed to sleep. He met me. Late. At the station and walked me back yo his apartment after i was done work. One of my students saw me with him... embarrassing. We talked a lot. Hes the oldest guy ive ever... anything. Though still just 29. It would have been a good conversation if... i didnt know he asked me to come have sex and then never made a move. An hour and a half in he suddenly went

Oh its the time! Sorry go. I should have agreed to his request for yesteday instead of insisting on friday.

Ive been freaking out about 8 and i messaged him asking if he lost interest in me. He never responded to my message asking if he wanted to hookup yesterday. He didnt respond for 20 minutes and then i said either say yes or no so im not waiting. And he almost immediately responded with no. So. Idk.

10) talked to some dude from hong kong yesteday. He messaged me first saying he doesnt like japan and just came for the food. Ive been crying all day and basically hust bitched about japan to him. Apparently he doesnt actually dislike japan... he just doesnt like the bidets.... and i told him my home life sucks so im here but here sucks too so wtf. Ya know. Things that are totally attractive go someone you started talking to a half an hour ago. He said he wanted to talk about food. Im good at food talk ok. Then asked if i wantrd to meet up and look for cake with him. Sure. Shinjuku. The same placd i met 5 and 3. Thought id break the- everytime i come to this city im depressed. Cause before them the last time i went to shinjuku in the summer. I couldnt find the clothes shops i was looking for. There were couples all around me. And it was the first day in japan i felt so utterly and truely miserable and alone and like nothing in my life was better. I was still hoping at that point that the teacher i worked with would go with me and show me around and i left thinking next time i go itll be better cause i wont be alone.

Well shinjuku appears to be bad luck for me. I got stressed trying to find this boy and sounded like it over the phone. But he still met up with me. I brought him some snacks from the baskery near me on my way. We talked. He speaks english. But he just asked about my job... how do you get it. Is it hard. Whats its pay.

I walked past a cake shop on my way to meet him and i showed him the cakes he said he really wanted. He said he didnt bring much cash so he didnt want it.... k i thought that was the point of this trip but whatever. He asked me if i was hungry three times. I said i ate before coming because normally when i meet people we dont eat and i go hunry. I left out the YOU SAID YOU WANTED CAKE!!! Part. He said he was hungry but didnt want me to not eat while he did. So i told him to find a place with desert and ill eat desert while he eats a meal. Were walking. This is about 25 minutes in and he starts to complain his legs hurt and that hes tired. Another 10 minutes pass and he complains more about how he feels like hes floating and his shoes dont fit. I see mcdonals and say i know this is lame but ive kinda been craving a big mac. Its fine if not cause ya know your visiting japan but would you want mcdonals. He jokes about it and then goes yea i could go for a bigmac. We get in the store and he tells me to go. And i tell him to go ahead first. Then he says no he feels sick and doesnt want to eat.... tells me to eat... the exact situation he didnt want earlier

Hm. Gee. I wonder whats coming. I say i only wanted to eat cause he said he was hungry. We leave and then he says maybe its tmi but - proceeds to tell me about being constipated. I didnt try to listen. Btw he was 6’4 and kinda difficult to hear if i didnt try. I wrap that up with. Yea i think that was a tmi story but good for you. Cause the gist of it was that he could shit now.

Then. You know its coming. He says hes gonna go home. I stop acting happy. I told myself the next time this happened id confront them.

We met up at 7 and it was now like 7:50. My train is 10 bucks round trip.

But. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

All i could say after a while of kinda just going silent was - whyd you ask me to meet if you were so tired.

And he aaid cauae walking around japan alone isnt fun. Yeah mean i know. I said that to you over text earlier.

I asked him if i dont look like my pic. He says i look exactly like my pic.

I say a few times before ive met up with guys and we never talk again. And he goes - well youre meeting strangers and sometimes it just doesnt click

He unmatchd me the moment he got on his train. I imagine were still friends on snapchat cause he probably deleted it since he redownloaded it to talk to me

So yea. Same experiences as back home because im me and i will always be cursed and miserable. I dont wanna sleep cause im waiting to see when that boy in 8 will block me on line... cause i sent alot of messages. It doesnt help me to know when.... but.... ya... idk. Someone shoot me please

[three--thirty]

im REAL fucking stressing over high school starting and volleyball tryouts to the point where i think about either of these things and my heart goes bonkers and my hands start to hurt. it doesnt help that basketball is nearing its end and these people who ive played with for nearly 3 years for summer and school teams i will finally have to leave. and i have a basketball game tomorrow where coach is telling me that i should be scoring so many points because im so much taller than them, and i know i can do it but ive only recently gotten more comfy with this and my mom wont be here and im always fucking worried smths gonna happen while shes gone and my dad wont be there for my brothers first game so itll be just me there to cheer him on and im less worried about that than anything else because ik he doesnt care and neither do i really but my dads gonna try and feed us a whole goddamn feast to eat and then ill feel sick the whole time and i havent even talked to my older brother about driving me to volleyball tryouts on tuesday and im so FUCKING scared ill mess somwthing up or forget something because my mom forgot to sign some paperwork for sports this year and i have to wait till she gets back after tryouts and i have to fucking talk to people who probably wont even listen and i dont know what im doing so they wont care and something will go wromg and theyll ask me why i dodint say anything but i didnt know because my mom tolf me to do soemtuing ive never done before and i dont even have school shoes yet and i really need a sports bag but im scared tk ask and im procrastinating everything bevause im fucking dumb as shit and dont know how tk just fucking communicate with people and i ahvent even started my summer homework for ap english because everythings happeneding at once and i have only 2 weeks to finish my essay on a book i havent started about thematic ideas which wonr be hard but im scared i wont have time and im scare di wont know anyome in my classes and i wont know what to do or where to go and nobody will talk to me because i look intimidating and LUNCH oh god lunch im so scared because i wont know who to sit with and i barely get enough sleep and my eating schedule is so wack i get so many headaches and im worried im a shit friend because idk how to talk to people and support them and i get annoyed by them and im worried that makes me a bad person because everyone else cares and talks to their friends through their troubled and doesnt get annoyed and im worried about the cat and my mom and school and sports and food and sleep and i think im gonna go to bed.