#ill be surrounded by kids who know that they wanna go into STEM and kids who already know this stuff

[houseofwolvess]

filling out what courses i want for next year is terrifying bc i swore to myself that id only do in-building standard courses and that id avoid any/all AP or advanced classes, especially ones in external buildings, but i was forced to choose an external advanced class and im genuinely scared

[runoncallie-blog]

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Calamus, and Then a Little More

“I don’t wanna tell you guys how to live your life, but I’m pretty much sure this could be fixed with ice cream..”

  General Information

Name: Calamus Custer Name Meaning: His name means “cane,” “grass,” or “reed.” Pronunciation: CAL-uh-MUS CUS-tur Other Names: Callie

Sex: Assigned male at birth Gender: Male Age: 24

Birth Date: June 10th

Birth Place: He was born in Tchulla, Mississipi, in the local hospital.

Species: Human Home-Planet: Earth Nationality: Mixed white American Occupation: Café Barista/Waiter

Dominant Hand: Right-handed. Astrological Sign: Gemini Blood Type: O-

  Appearance

Main Appearance: Calamus is tall and slender, with a nice build, a slim waist and decent muscles, and long legs. He’s got a pretty damn nice silhouette and is naturally quite pretty, as well as putting a lot of effort into his appearance. He’s been growing his blonde hair out for years, and it goes down to his mid-back at this point. He usually puts it up into complications braids and buns and loves to play with it and pamper it. He has a somewhat rectangular face, with prominent cheekbones, a Greek nose, a defined brow and deep-set brown eyes. He has fair skin, pink lips, a strong jaw, and his forehead wrinkles a little when he frowns. He has a very small scar on his lip, some faded track-mark scars on his wrists, and some heavy scarring on his upper thighs and butt. His right ear-lobe is scarred. Overall, he’s a very attractive person, and is quietly proud of this, though he doesn’t have a ton of confidence in himself.

  Image

Wardrobe: Calamus likes anything kind of retro, and has a lot of clothes from thrift stores or second-hand. He has a lot of tight jeans and band tees. He doesn’t have a very varied closet, but likes the excuse to dress androgynously and wear dresses or skirts whenever he has the excuse… But he does this rarely.

Accessories: He always keeps one hoop earring in his left ear. Musical Instruments: He knows a little bit of piano that he learned at school, but doesn’t know a lot, though he desperately wants to learn more. Piercings: His left ear is pierced. Hygiene: This is typically Calamus’s main form of self-care. He loves long, warm showers and baths with bubbles or bath bombs. He does one or the other almost every day as a chance to rewind and likes to keep himself looking clean and feeling put-together. While he was homeless, he rarely had a chance to clean himself properly and keep himself clean, so now retaining this is incredibly important to him. He can frequently be caught washing his hands or brushing his teeth for no reason other than he feels like it and he can. Makeup: He doesn’t wear makeup, but he frequently wants to… Perfume / Cologne: He has one thing of cranberry-cinnamon body spray that he got as a gift one time, and frequently wears. Scent: He keeps everything on his person a bit obsessively clean, so he often smells of laundry, soap, or hand sanitizer... Or coffee. Tattoos: None

  Health

Diet: Calamus eats fairly simply and doesn’t have very much skill in terms of cooking, though he’s trying very hard to learn. He eats a lot of beans and rice, which makes up a majority of his diet, as well as pasta, chicken, and soup. Everything he eats is fairly cheap, but he makes a very real effort to be healthy. Ice cream is his one treat that he allows himself, most of the time. He has a huge sweet tooth. Exercise: He likes to go on a run or at least a walk at least once a day if he can get away with it. Fitness: Calamus is very much in shape, as his appearance is something he values and he hinges his self-worth upon. Posture: He usually tries to stand tall and sit straight, but will recede into a more timid, smaller posture very quickly if startled or intimidated.

Abnormalities: While Calamus is a fairly healthy person physically, he struggles a lot with his mental health, self-esteem, sleep, and past traumas. Aids: Though he needs glasses, and probably needs medication for his mental health and/or sleep aids as well, he doesn’t know or doesn’t have any way to access these things, and is currently living without them. Allergies: Calamus has no allergies. Diseases: Calamus has no diseases. Illnesses: Calamus has no illnesses. Disorders: Though undiagnosed, Calamus experiences generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as on-and-off insomnia and frequent migraines due to stress and strain from his eyes. Broken Bones: Calamus has never broken a bone. Reason for Health: Calamus’s mental health issues stem from the abusive environment he grew up in as a child and his time as a homeless person in New York City.

  Voice

Accent / Dialect: Though he’s trying to wean himself off of it, Calamus still has a fairly strong and noticeable Southern accent. Voice: Calamus has a deep, raspy voice. It is deep, steady, and clear, and he is usually very audible, even when he is upset or crying. Laughter: Calamus always tries to hide it or hold it in when he laughs, frequently covering up his mouth with his hands. Impediments: N/A

  Psychology

Languages: English Personality: Calamus has a lot of reasons to be timid and anxious, and really, he has a lot of these two features inside of him. He looks long and hard before he leaps, and is very scared of change or any sort of risk. He prefers to play it safe most of the time, and always fear or assumes the worst. He is easily intimidated or shot down and has a difficult time advocating for himself. However, he has a naturally friendly, charismatic, and chipper disposition. He can be incredibly charming when he wants to be and is horribly empathetic and sweet. He hates being alone for too long, and always prefers to surround himself with loved ones and physical affection. He has a hard time with being ignored or feeling alone and takes any sort of criticism or snideness very hard. He’s a sensitive soul, and gets upset, offended, or his feelings damaged very easily. He has a tendency to talk down about himself and blame himself for any shortcomings or bad luck that occurs in his own or friends’ lives. He holds onto a lot of guilt and has a habit of internalizing things, though he is often very outwardly emotional. He gets excited easily, gets very worked up and flustered when he’s angry, and cries incredibly easily when he’s upset or when he’s been put down. He’s ashamed of his past in a lot of ways and wants in so many ways to be better than what he is. Though he doesn’t necessarily believe that he has the ability to achieve very much, and assumes that others think the worst of him, he is ambitious and very hard-working and wants to get in far in life as he possibly can. He strives to achieve independence and be able to take care of himself without relying on others. He feels guilty when others help him out and doesn’t want to drag anyone else down. He thinks he should be able to handle his own life by himself without reaching out to others, but is also always willing to lend a hand to anyone around him who may need it. He’s curious and has a natural thirst for knowledge, but doesn’t consider himself to be smart, and has a large mischievous streak to him. He loves to explore and get into things he probably shouldn’t and learn new things. He is a bit selfish and becomes defensive quickly. He’s very protective of himself and those around him but is also very sweet, loyal, and funny. He’s naturally rather effeminate and kind of a show-off at times and loves to have fun and get physical affection and validation from others whenever he can get it.

  Philosophy

Outlook on Life: Calamus tries to very optimistic and grateful for everything that he has in life, but sometimes has a hard time actually sticking to these ideals. He’s fearful and doesn’t have high hopes for himself, though he can’t help but dream of great achievements and beautiful things for himself. Philosophy / Motto: “Love what you have.”

  Character

Priorities: Their main goal right now is making their way through life without relying on other’s goodwill, making enough money to get themselves a good education and a good job, and find some security in their life. Self Confidence: Though they often act very confident outwardly, or pretend that they are, they have very little confidence in their own skills and abilities. They have a lot of doubt and often expect the worst. Self Control: Calamus has a great deal of self-control, and tends to bottle up his anger and ignore larger conflicts instead of confronting them. He pushes himself very hard and holds himself to very strict expectations. He demands a lot from himself and keeps himself on task. Self Esteem: Callie has very poor self-esteem, and look down on themselves. They downplay all their own achievements and see themselves as a failure. They blame most things on themselves.

Quirks: Calamus is always playing with his hair, and has a habit of taking charge of situations without meaning to. He is a natural leader, but without the confidence to declare himself one. Hobbies: Singing, dancing, doing complicated hairstyles, exploring, sciencey things, watching comedy shows, sewing, embroidery, running. Closet Hobbies: He really loves to dress up and try on skirts and dresses, but tends to keep this on the down-low. Guilty Pleasures: He ADORES ice cream.

Habits: He habitually sleeps on his couch instead of on his bed. Nervous Tics: When he gets nervous, he’ll chew on the ends of his hair, flinch, make himself smaller, and back himself up against a wall or try to find nearby exits. Soft Spots: He has a HUGE soft spot for babies and little kids.

Most Prized Possession: Honestly, his most prized possession is his apartment itself. He values having a home of his own almost more than anything else. Collections: He basically collects free samples of makeup and hair care products.

Regrets: He has a LOT of regrets. Sometimes, he regrets running away. Sometimes, he regrets waiting so long. Sometimes, he regrets his lack of education. He regrets leaving his friends. He regrets his choices. He regrets getting involved in drug and sex, he regrets trusting the people he did, he regrets the things he did to get arrested… Secrets: He keeps his former drug use, his family history, and his opinions of himself. Darkest Secret: His extended drug abuse while he was homeless is one of his closest guarded secrets. He hasn’t really talked to anyone about it… Ever. Pet Peeves: People who are too loud when it’s not necessary, people who take charge even when they don’t know what they’re doing, baby boomer customers.

Phobias: He has a very real fear of physical pain and being trapped, of making others angry with him or disappointing those around him, and of embarrassing himself or his friends.

  Preferences

Likes: fancy things, singing, dancing, pop music, fashion, make-up, Beyoncé, the 70’s and 80’s, anything vintage or retro, making friends, looking good, attention, metal bands, make-up and hair tutorials on YouTube, the piano, racing games, learning, science, exploring the dump, junkyards, woods, making people laugh, pineapple, dogs Dislikes: family, being judged, prying eyes, loud noises or yelling, anything overly salty, belts, flying bugs, his childhood, thunderstorms, anything made entirely of leather (tacky and uncomfortable,) rules, the summer, sudden noises, the color orange, prying questions, bills

Favorites: Caramel ice cream, german shepherds, goldfish crackers, bright sunny days, bright colors, Beyoncé.

  Combat

Ability: N/A Position: N/A Weapon: None Element: N/A Martial Arts: None, knows basic ‘street fighting’ skills. Strengths: Larger, muscular, has a decent amount of strength and agility, could probably hold his own very well based only on physical capabilities. Weaknesses: Locks up in physical conflicts, is afraid of hurting others, panics and shuts down. Restrictions: PTSD

  Home, Work, and Education

Abode: They live in a small, somewhat shitty studio apartment; but it’s home to them.

Pets: None Roommates: None

Sleep Patterns: They’re pretty bad at sleep. They’re typically only able to sleep for a few hours at a time before they wake up, either due to nightmares or insomnia, pace, and then settle back on their couch. Then repeat, and onto the bed. They have a very hard time getting to sleep at night and has semi-frequent nightmares that they deal with regarding their past. They are a very light sleeper and will wake up at a moment’s notice at any sort of noise. Eating Habits: Calamus loves to eat, though he tries to be healthy, and has a habit of hoarding food and consuming pretty much anything he gets his hands on. He will never, ever, ever turn down free food.

  Social

Mother: His mother is a woman named Gracie Custer. She dropped out of high school and married her boyfriend when she got pregnant at the age of sixteen; an uncommon occurrence where she lived. Though she is a sweet woman, and hard-working, she has a hard time finding her own path and has a habit of allowing others to decide things for her, such as her husband. She was raised with the rigid rules of the Bible Belt and lives by them rigorously in many ways that are unhealthy. Despite this, she is kind and giving, but easily flustered and annoyed as well. She loves babies but struggles to handle all her children in the small space which they live. She works at a local corner store. She loved her son, Calamus, but largely sat idly by whenever he was beaten, and often told him that he was ‘asking for it’ and wouldn’t have to take whippings if he just ‘followed the rules.’ Father: Calamus’s father is a man named Hank Custer, who works in construction. He is not very in touch with his emotions and is an incredibly hard-working and proud man. He values appearance, obedience to God, and doing things correctly, and he and his oldest son never got along. What was initially just conflict and discipline eventually grew to serious abuse as Calamus got older and bolder, and he would frequently beat or hit Callie growing up until Calamus ran away from home at the age of sixteen Guardians: Callie was raised by his mother and father. Siblings: While Calamus lived at home, his mother had ten other children; Jethro, Atticus, Juniper, Chrysanthemum, Caspar, Elseth, Serafina, November, Clyde, and Patience. Unfortunately, Juniper, Chrysanthemum, and Caspar all passed away during the Virus outbreak. Callie was forced by circumstance to play a large role in raising his younger siblings. His family lived in poverty, and both his parents had to work, so Callie frequently would stay home from school and skip class in order to look after his younger siblings when his parents couldn’t get the time off or couldn’t afford a sitter. Consequently, Calamus was held back several years in school, and always struggled with grades. Calamus got along decently with most of his siblings and was especially close with Juniper, and Patience, who was only a baby when he left home. He and his brother, Jethro, however, were constantly at odds. Jethro was very much a daddy’s boy, and constantly wanted their father’s approval, and so he took on the same attitude as him towards Calamus. He would frequently tease or tattle on Callie growing up. Unbeknownst to Calamus, his mother has had three more children since he left home; Noah, Hazel, and Calliope. Children: Calamus has no children. Best Friend: Audrey Zaccadelli Close Friends: Levi Price, Alex Temple, Marcus Bailey, Friends: Darius Rufus, Mary Sheehan, Angel Rodriguez Acquaintances: Marriage Law Group Rivals: N/A Enemies: N/A

  Romance

First Love: His first love was one of his best friends growing up, Lucas Hughs. He was part of Calamus’s ‘posse’ and the two of them would frequently hang out together, but Calamus found himself wanting to be more than Lucas’s friend. The two of them were close, and at one point, the two of them kissed; but Lucas decided he didn’t feel that way about boys. So Callie let it go. They remained close friends, and Calamus would still consider him to be one of his closest friends, even though they haven’t been able to see each other in years. Love Interests: N/A Significant Other: N/A Sexual and Romantic Orientation(s): gay

  Reactions

Angry: When Callie is angry, he tends to get really vocal and will often tell you exactly why he’s angry, which is a stark contrast to a lot of his other reactions to negative emotion. Anxious: An anxious Callie will talk a lot, fidget, and try to flit around whatever subject is causing him stress, and focus on distractions instead. It’s hard for him to get anything done when he’s very anxious. Conflicted: When conflicted, Calamus will often seek the advice of others; mainly those he trusts. Criticized: Callie takes criticism incredibly poorly, and almost always takes it purposefully and becomes downtrodden or depressed once it’s delivered. Depressed: Calamus withdraws and often becomes more short-fused or even violent. He doesn’t seek social company or speak very much. Will often fall back into patterns of substance abuse. Embarrassed: He becomes very flustered and quiets down, trying to step away from the spotlight; for once. Excited: When excited, Callie is bouncing off the walls, ready to speak about everything to everyone. He wants to share his feelings and thoughts with anyone who will give him the time of day. Frightened: When Callie is frightened, their first instinct is to usually flee, and get far away from or protect themselves from whatever is the source of their fear. Guilty: Callie can’t deal with guilt. It eats them alive. They don’t speak of up, or really break it up externally, but rather hides it away and lets it bother them for years and years, slowly picking away at his insides. Happy: When he’s happy, Calamus is sunshine; bright and full of smiles and cheer and compliments and bold ideas. Humiliated: He’ll almost certainly cry and flee the situation. Nervous: He usually plays with his hair a lot, and talks a bit more than often, asking a lot of questions. Offended: If Callie is offended, they’ll usually get very angry and tell you exactly what they think of you. Praised: Calamus gets very bashful when he’s complimented, and laughs and flushes a lot, but he totally loves it. Rejected: Typically, he becomes discouraged and embarrassed. He retreats and takes time for himself, and pities himself for a while, before he’s ready to try again. Sad: Over the years, Calamus had learned the explicit value of a good cry, and this is one of his most powerful tools when dealing with negative emotions. Stressed: When he’s stressed, Callie will often kick it into high-drive, and work twice as far in a result.

  Biography

Background: Calamus was born in the deep south of Mississippi, the firstborn to two high school drop-outs living far below the poverty line in a trailer park. Through the years, they had six other children, all the way up until Calamus was fifteen. Maybe more after that. He doesn’t really know.

Growing up, Calamus didn’t have the same interests as a lot of other boys his age. He loved the idea of having long, beautiful hair, wearing his mother’s make-up and clothes, dancing, and singing. He liked things like trucks and exploring the woods and making things blow up and racing, too. But no one ever worried about that. The more prominent these interests became, and the more his bold personality began to show, the more his family tried to squash it down. His father, in particular, a man who highly valued hard work, obedience, and image, often clashed with his eldest son. He frequently punished him for being too feminine, for shaming their family, for not working hard enough, and anything else that happened to piss him off, and Calamus was no stranger to neither his belt nor the back of his hand growing up.

Calamus was naturally very charismatic and charming, and surprisingly, didn’t have a difficult time making friends in his neighborhood. While he faced a fair deal of bullying and discrimination at school over the years, he built up a small “following” of boys who lived in the same trailer park as him and were more open-minded than their parents. He spent most of his time wandering the streets with them and sleep over at their houses. They were close-knit. They would protect each other even at self-sacrifice, laugh and play together, and go along with Calamus’ whims. Doing complicated hair tutorials from Youtube with the blonde locks that Calamus had been passionately growing out since he was small, recreating music videos, exploring the local dump and racing through the town. This was what protected him and kept him going for a very long time, and what made him stay, despite everything else that happened. His family, the virus, the troubles at school. When Calamus was freshly sixteen, however, he and his father had a severe altercation after they found out that Callie had secretly pierced their right ear some time ago, typically hidden by his long hair. By the end of the night, Calamus had a split lip, a limp, and a buzzcut. Leaving their friends behind was the hardest thing Calamus ever had to do, but it was at this point that they decided that they couldn’t stand living in the same tiny town with nothing on the horizon and no adults caring about what went on at home. He hitch-hiked his way out of town, New York bound, and didn’t look back.

Earliest Memory: One of Callie’s earliest memories was when he was around two years old, and got into his mom’s stuff in her room. He ate an entire tube of lipstick because he thought that was how it was used and how to make his lips red and then threw up later. His mother was sympathetic, but his father spanked him until he cried when he found out about it.   Fondest Memory: Callie’s fondest memory is a tie; between hanging out with his roving gang of friends back in Mississippi, after a very long fall afternoon. They were all piled atop a junk car like seals on a rock in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by this endless field and watching the sunset while they talked about nothing in particular. The other contender is the first time he got his baby sister, Patience, to fall asleep in his arms. Typically, she would only cry or fuss or stay up if anyone but her mother held her. But when he laid down and put her on his chest and she drifted off, that was one of the warmest feelings Calamus ever had. Worst Memory: The time he was beaten for piercing his ear before he ran away from home. Everything after that was awful, too, but the realization that his father didn’t care for his mental or emotional wellbeing at all, and he and the rest of his family and all their neighbors would always value appearances more than him, stung worst of all.

[commiemoth]

all the sweet and soft asks except the one abt athleticism lol

Sweet- i think my favorite type is either blueraspberry jolly ranchers or snickers! Depending on The Mood

Smooth- i leik, 2 beethoven songs and 1 chopin song otherwise i h a t e because ive been forced to learn it most of my life and its repetitive and pointless to me, also has too many rules with no purpose (double sharps instead of just writing the note) (writing something in a key with 5 flats or sharps and then using naturals for 90% of the notes) sucks man

Baby- im not ready to be a parent!! I feel leik i might be in the future but right now im terrible with kids and theyre kind of annoying sometimes, to much responsibilty an stuff

Courage- whos “athlete” idk them lol

Lovely- it depends on whos askin! Its usually some for of ‘gud’ tho, if ollie is askin its either “mmmmgud :3” or “just shoved a sunny d up my ass” :/, if jack asks its usually “ *a picture of doctor eggman but it has no limbs and massive balls* ” or something similar and! I always try to remember to ask the other person how theyre doing too!

Cutie- my favorite orange thing is either an orange (the fruit) [controversial] or! Orange juice or sunny d :P

Skin- yell heah i want tatoos!!! I want a snake going spiraling down my arm so the head is on my wrist and the tail is starting in my back, a rose on my other arm so that the rose bud is in my palm and the stem spirals up my arm and ends on my back, and a crescent moon surrounding a heart with a sword through both on my back really big! Thats my thing! , and maybe a minimalist solar system design on my chest!!

Pictures- art is very important to me! When i grow up i wanna be an artist leik in music, visual art, and writing . Its my passion and i would die if i had to do anything else for a living :/

Stars- enthralling!! One word isnt enough tho space is so cool leik: vast, quiet, solemn, majestic, space is everything!

Religion- i dont practice any and im not really affiliated with any either but! Im not sure if this is that related but i really wanna get into witchcraft more and start practicing!

One- no! I hate competition it always makes me feel bad whether i win or lose :/

Makeup- i dont use any makeup yet but as soon as im out of my parents house i think my most used products would be eyeshadow and lipstick (in lots of cool colors)

Sheets- i sleep with one blanket in the summer or 2 in the winter, i would have so many more but if the blankets get out of alignment it bothers me so much i cant sleep and more than 2 is too many to keep track of

Chalk- uhhhhhhhh im? I think im best at photography maybe? Or english when we do poetry but thats not often, i wanna be better in art class but i still need to learn more, my worst subject is math without a doubt!

Blush- so! Easily! Embarrassed!!!!!!!! If you say something nice about me ill die on the spot, if you show me physical affection and i leik you ill get blushy and start makin weird noises cus idk wat to do!!!!

Water- i think it was over the summer? That was the last time i cried emotionally but i cry sometimes when listening to songs but idk if that counts

Karma- i dont really know wat i beleive? If something gud happens im all of a sudden: “wow im so lucky!!!” And if something bad happens im: “theres no such thing as luck! Take fate into my own hands!!” So idk :/

Lips: uhhhhhh a kiss from ollie cuz im gay :/ or one of those gingerbread snaps cookies things my dad got from his dad!! Theyre so gud i wish i could taste them again! Or hot chocolate is always gud :3

Cupcake- cookies and cake!! Pie ans ice cream are gud too but sometimes too hot or cold messy :/ Cake Is Best Without Icing

Music- this is.a hard one uhhhhhhhMadeonPorter RobinsonNeroChoosing only 3 isnt enough aaaaaa!!

Night- during school leik 4-6 hours, on weekends around 11-13 but i go to bed at leik 3AM, during the summer leik 14-16 but i go to bed at leik 6AM :/

Smile- my day has been pretty gud so far!! Glad to be back in school and i can see ollie at least once a day :3