#ill also admit that i really like this idea cause the art is so goddamn good

[niennavalier]

So I’m sure no one cares but

I’ve recently discovered genderbent Frozen covers and animatics and honestly I love these? Like, a lot? 

(Rambly thoughts under the cut, because I got invested in talking about Disney movies and ways they write characters and generalizing stuff, despite writing this all on a whim and doing not much research but hey, that’s what this blog is for. Random thoughts about movies and stories and Youtube comments)

I mean, I’ll admit that I’ve never been a big fan of Frozen - nothing against the story (cause it is good and for all I will criticize Disney for not generally being particularly uh...keen on taking any risks, I do appreciate the way they do break the mold here) or the music (it sounds like a Broadway musical, hell yeah) - but tbh Let it Go far overstayed its welcome and yes, I’m glad kids enjoyed the movie, but we heard it nonstop for way longer than we should have. The song honestly never felt like it went away for, what like, 2 years? I can listen to songs on endless loops, and this was still too much for me. Granted, I never hated it (my brother did, possibly still does, so I didn’t mind listening to it for the sole purpose of tormenting him) but still. It sorta turned me off from the franchise. I didn’t need to hear it every time I walked into a store.

And I’ll also admit to never being big on genderbending. Nothing against people who enjoy it, but it’s never been my thing, and the few fics I’ve read with it never felt like it used the swap for any sort of message or to explore anything particularly interesting. Which I would’ve preferred, because otherwise, I didn’t see the reason for the swap, personally. (and to be fair, I turned off of this pretty quickly, so I’m sure there are good ones out there, but it’s really just never been something I’m big on)

But like...okay. There is this animatic for Show Yourself, but with the audio dropped into the male vocal range and I love it so much. It’s wonderful and adorable (and the song is legitimately very good, so I’ve seen that part, despite never having actually watched Frozen 2). And also a handful of actual covers, which are absolutely amazing. And now I’ve found the same sort of thing with Let it Go (which I’m now okay with - I guess it just takes 7 years for me to get over the oversaturation of that song in society) and like holy shit, friends. Big fan.

Scrolling through the comments also gets all the “can we please get a Disney Prince movie” thoughts and hey, I’m so on board with this. I know, there are movies with princes (Aladdin, Hercules, Lion King, etc), but it’s less that plain fact of having a prince, and more of the arc for the character? Basically, I wanna destroy the trend of having male-oriented movies be more action-adventure-y. Let boys be soft and have feelings, that’s all I ask. Make that the character arc, have your main character be male and need to discover himself, all of the fears and insecurities included, I am begging you. 

(Sidenote because I did see some other interesting mentions: I haven’t seen Hunchback, back from what I’m aware of with that movie, that one probably fits closer to what I’m talking about. Also Treasure Planet, because honestly, that really is exactly the kind of arc that I’m talking about, and there’s a reason I love that movie with all my heart, it’s amazing, and go watch it if you haven’t. But like, it’s a coming of age story with some good ol’ found family and no romance! And while Jim is really smart and has some bad-ass moments, I love when we get insight into his emotional state. But I could gush about this movie forever, moving on. The one thing about these is not the lack of royalty (for me), but just...box office? I don’t know the circumstances for Hunchback, except that the numbers apparently aren’t great, and to my knowledge, someone over at Disney just didn’t want Treasure Planet to do great, and this goes to show what marketing does. Apparently, they did the same to Emperor’s New Groove, which isn’t entirely relevant, but my point is, whoever did this to these movies, screw you, they’re wonderful)

(Apologies for the tangent)

Anyway, I’m not saying remake Frozen, but doing the genderbend works really well here, I think? Obviously, I love that Elsa’s arc is entirely her own, and stories about opening up to family and accepting yourself have messages that everyone needs to hear, regardless of any barrier. So this isn’t a criticism, just a thought. Because (granted, I’m not doing research to write this, and I’m admittedly not 100% caught up on Disney movies) it feels to me like female characters do tend to have the more emotional arcs. Talking Disney Renaissance, this feels true in the female-lead movies, especially if you compare to the respective princes. In male-lead movies, it’s not entirely true, and I’m not calling the characters flat or emotionless, but that’s not the main thing going on in the movie. (ie, Simba has his reservations about returning and so he talks to Mufasa, and that’s a big scene and its important, but it feels more like it’s just a step to ultimately taking down Scar - tbh, compare the screentimes there). Again, the Renaissance movies are fantastic and I love them, but I just want to make some comparisons. And I don’t want to delve too deep into the more recent ones, because I haven’t seen them all, but the focus seems much more on the strong, independent female-lead (again, not a criticism because we can always do with more strong ladies who don’t need no man - I am just saying). 

But anyway. Frozen. I like the idea of keeping Anna as herself, because the Hans twist and more slow-burn-y development with Kristoff is good - that accomplishes the idea of breaking down tropes. But Elsa as a male character is really interesting to me? Having an arc that centers on fear that’s born of isolation, and ends with self-acceptance and familial love, is something that I don’t recall seeing in male characters very often (not never, but not often)? But I can think of tons of male characters who appear confident and charismatic, even if that’s in their own way, and then even if we do peel back to find trauma and pain, I can think of more instances of it presenting as bitterness or anger rather than genuine fear (or at the very least, we as the audience don’t quite see that fear). I want to see a male character who was forced to repress who they are and has real fear as to who their true self is. I want this character to discover who that is and have a hard time coming to grips with it, and all that stuff because I honestly just really like writing a lot of self-deprecation. Won’t deny that. And then pairing that with magic is also just interesting IMO. I don’t know how magic tends to fall with regard to this sort of thing, but just the fact that it’s inborn and different (akin to D&D sorcery), rather than learned and understood (like D&D wizardry, or even HP wizards), is an interesting thought to me? Maybe because the “strange and different” type of magic reminds me more of the general conception of witches (or...the Salem Witch Trials) which is also more female-leaning, but I won’t stand by that super strongly, because it’s not something I’ve looked into all that much. But it means, to me, that it would be an interesting way to sorta...turn the tables in the way magic gets used.

Point being: I just think this would be a really solid message. That bravery doesn’t have to be saving the world or killing the dragon or even the self-sacrifice story that’s become more prominent in stories now. It can also come from battling your own demons and opening up to people to ask for help. Which is obviously something everyone needs to learn, but if we’re gonna fight the submissive female character trope with some badass heroines, then I say we also do the same thing in reverse for our male characters. Just a thought

[feliciohno]

for the ship thing, nedcan, prucan, ruscan, canmano, norway x canada, canada x lithuania, prumano, gerita, itapan, ameita, rusame, fruk, ruseng, rusfra, and ameice. you said to send in a lot so i'm sending in a lot, but i apologize if this is too much

i mostly meant like a lot of asks lol but its okay!

Nedcan

ngl I had to look up the tag cause I didn’t know what this was. I think I saw it as a side ship in a fic once and it seemed kinda cute not sure what vibe I get from it but it’s nice It’s good to see more canada ships he deserves more love

Prucan

This was like one of my main otps when I was a litol kiddo. It still holds up ngl I love it and I love the vibes with the two of them. I will say though that some people get a bit hetero with it and make mattie and uwu baby which is like headache-inducing 

Ruscan

I fully blame @bogbees (go follow her) for my Ruscan addiction [pensive emoji] It’s probably one of my faves atm it’s just SO GOOD though I’ll be frank I don’t like how a lot of people write/interpret russia some fans act like he's the fucking spawn of satan and it gets on my nerves also? this ship needs more love? def underrated 

Canmano 

Mattie and Lovi? never heard of it but I guess it’s cute (look ill be real ill ship borderline anything) 

Norway/Canada  

again, never heard of it but seems cute 

Canada/Lithuania 

at this point I'm just writing these down for a Canada harem /j

Prumano

VERY GOOD SHIP its an underrated fact that Prussia simps for the Italy brothers f in chat for Gilbert but like really I think Prussia and Lovi is cute and also kinda funny 

Gerita 

100% OTP HOWEVER I hate most of the fan content I find. This ship has so many people being heteronormative clowns with it it makes me lose my goddamn mind I can’t stand it. Feliciano is a grown ass man people I’ll admit he's a bit of a soft boy but he's still an adult also whos dumb idea was it to make Germany the top? pft Ludwig radiates virgin bottom I’m so sorry but it’s the truth I love this ship so much I will go into ever site with content of them even the smallest bit of art or story because I love it so much. I honestly just hope that with the new season coming out that new fans will not make the same mistakes as the old fandom with this ship because I’m begging this fandom for good gerita content that doesn’t make me want to pull out my hair But real talk I could go on for hours about these two (especially if you subscribe to the ‘Germany is HRE’ thing which I do 100%)

Itapan

VERY GOOD VERY GOOD UGH I love this ship so much like I can’t even explain how much I love it it’s right up there with Gerita and Ruscan ITS SO GOOD GUYS please don’t sleep on this ship there’s almost no fics with them please I’ll sob 

Ameita 

This is an underrated favorite of mine. I’ve always headcanoned Alfred and Feliciano as bffs but I also ship them so much They’re both so friendly and outgoing I think it’s be so cute 

Rusame

VERY GOOD however I’m not a fan of most of the fan content like some people go way too far and make it like borderline abusive again with me disliking how the fandom sees russia it’s just really toxic most the time but otherwise I do love this ship 

Fruk

DADS DADS DADS DADS this ship is so good I love them and I love FACE fam aus so so much UGH DAD CONTENT I will say some people do go a bit too far with it like Rusame but not too much that I’ve seen. Though just like with russia I don’t like how people write France (tho I don’t think people do it as much as It was in the old fandom which is good) anyways A+ ship 

Ruseng

Never heard of it But I can see it as being kinda cute probably try to one up each other in magic all the time lol 

Rusfra

again, never heard of it personally I can’t really see it but I’m a huge multi shipper so if you show me some cute art or a good fic I’m all for it

Ameice

I haven’t seen much content of them But I can def see it and it’s super cute! 

I’m still doing brutally honest ship asks if anyone wants to send in any more!! 

[kinktae]

no idea if anyone has said this yet but i feel like kiri only told jk she wanted him to spite y/n and that she has no desire to get back together w him 🤭

bitchin 8 asks because i suck

spring2787 said: Pls tell me my son didn't do that to her in bitchin 8.... Ahhh.. Jeon Jungkook.. You dumb brat... 🥺

Anonymous said: You’re such an amazing writer, like damn you have SO MANY PEOPLE invested in your stories that you now have 1247294 people ganging up on jungkook and forming protection squads for y/n 🤣🤣 I’m so excited for what’s to come !!!!

Anonymous said: Ummmm.... I just binge read all of bitchin and let me tell you that it WAS LITERALLY THE BEST THING IVE EVER READ! I LOVE THE SOCIAL DYNAMICS BETWEEN YN AND JUNGKOOK AND I ESPECIALLY LOVE YARAS PERSONALITY

cheeky-kookie said: Hey bb just me dropping in to give my opinion on the Bitchin' Chapter because I havent done it yet & you know how whipped I am. JK did a big uh-oh and fucked up. Hes confused. Kiri came and it's what he wanted forever. My theory is that it probably didnt feel like what he wanted after the fact and that's why he met up with MC. ALSO, the MC is upset (understandably) but she cant blame him bc she has given him no hint that there could be something there. Overall, good chapter :) Still whipped.

Anonymous said: I "kombucha girl"-ed to y/n telling jk she would never fall for him but I've decided it's what she (bitchin!jk) deserves 😤😤

unknowntalesx said: oh my god that anon went off 😂😂 nd the other anon has a good point! he might be very confused and wanted to see if y/n had feelings but alas the dirty dickin was still dirtyyy, oh meathead, i lovE bitchin

yourdelights said: watching everyone freak out over bitchin makes me very glad that i decided to wait and read it all after it's finished. i'll still end up suffering, i'm sure, but i'll get all the suffering done in one shot. like ripping off a bandaid after wetting it first.

Anonymous said: Lmaooo I'm over here sipping on my tea, waiting for Yara to wear her black latex suit and give little Jungkook a visit.. Honey, you've got a big storm comin 🍵🍵

Anonymous said: I feel like Kiri is going to cheat on him again and THEN he'll finally have the big revelation that oc was the right girl for him all along

Anonymous said: the real question is: is kiri going to use what happened and jk “cheating” on y/n with her to hurt y/n 😶👀

yourdelights said: watching everyone freak out over bitchin makes me very glad that i decided to wait and read it all after it's finished. i'll still end up suffering, i'm sure, but i'll get all the suffering done in one shot. like ripping off a bandaid after wetting it first.

Anonymous said: Lmaooo I'm over here sipping on my tea, waiting for Yara to wear her black latex suit and give little Jungkook a visit.. Honey, you've got a big storm comin 🍵🍵

Anonymous said: I feel like Kiri is going to cheat on him again and THEN he'll finally have the big revelation that oc was the right girl for him all along

Anonymous said: the real question is: is kiri going to use what happened and jk “cheating” on y/n with her to hurt y/n 😶👀

Anonymous said: rose i really hope u know that we want to y/n to have an least a moment with taehyung in this goddamn fic called bitchin

Anonymous said: thank god we just ship y/n with tae in this house right

Anonymous said: we are going to beat jk’s ass after all that shit he did with y/n 😤 meanwhile i wanna say a very important thing: taehyung WOULD NEVER do that lmao bye

Anonymous said: Me after reading about what Jungkook did to OC in bitchin08: I hate to say it, I hope I don’t sound ridiculous, I don’t know who this man is. I mean, he could be walking down the street for little bitches who don’t know how to process their feeling and need to get their shit together before a pissed off best friend come to chop their dicks off because he couldn’t keep it in his pants, and I wouldn’t know a thing. Sorry to this man

anonbebe97me said: Please, for the love of God, update Bitchin’ soon. I literally felt it so bad when he admitted what he did. My entire heart collapsed. I cannot even. Your writing is so good- I genuinely laughed during so many moments in this series and you might be my favorite writer. Seriously, I love you

Anonymous said: bitchin’ is legit the best thing ive ever read

Anonymous said: Same anon who has a (metaphorical) hole in her chest now...This fic is written so beautifully and I feel like I didn’t express that in the previous ask... it’s too good and damn why I did I have to get emotionally attached to these characters because now I’m genuinely Devo 😪 but still looking forward to what comes next (whenever it comes :))

Anonymous said: Damn chapter 8. Of bitchin’...BROUGHT ME TO TEARS. But I know your a great author so I BEG IT WORKS OUT AND THEY GET BACK TOGETHER BECAUSE I AM TOO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED AND THERE IS A HOLE IN MY CHEST FROM THE ANGST OH MY

Anonymous said: So I was putting off Bitchin 8 for a little bit because I didn’t know if I could handle it. I don’t know why a fictional story has me so effed up, but it does. So tonight I read it and OMG now I’m all angsty and upset! Why do you do that to us? Suchhhhh a good fic and amazing writing, but whyyyyyyy must you make us feel this way. This boy needs to get his shit together and just love her already. My heart can’t take it. 🤦🏻‍♀️❤️

madjammil said: I am waiting with bated breath for part 9 of Bitchin'! Part 8 had me all distraught 😭

Anonymous said: Will Y/n fight Jungkook? 🤧😂

cuteipat said: Should I prepare tissues or not?

toomuchdaegu said: art 9 dropping on my birthday, that is very much adequate

sydney--chan said: Your new mobile theme looks really good babie 🥺🥺 I cant wait to get my heart stomped on again during bitchin' 9!!! You're the only person I'll allow to do that to me HEHE hope ur doing well luv u ❤❤❤

wallbitjch said: Bijj stop teasing us 😤😭 huuhu but thankyousomuch ok 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘💕 bitchin foreva

Anonymous said: fanservice is gonna be yara x tae i KNOW IT

Anonymous said: Fuck Jungkook. Stan Yara.

Anonymous said: YOU MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH BITCHIN' KOOKIE OMG until chap 8. 🤡 You nice keep going.

Anonymous said: so, either taeyara shit happens or y/ntae shit happens... bro lowkey kinda wanna have y/ntae just to piss jk the fuck off man like fuck u jungkook

Anonymous said: I can’t wait for this Bitchin update. You better heal my heart. After last time, I shouldn’t trust you, but I’m placing my heart in your hands once again. Don’t hurt me. Jk you’re the best. I love you.

Anonymous said: When I say I'm not ready for pt. 9 of bitchin' I mean, FUCKKKKKKKKK NO I DON'T WANNA CRY STILL CRYING OVER PT. 8 😫

Anonymous said: It's a shame to do this while i'm drunk but i just want you to know that i love you and i will probably Fall asleep when you Will post pt 9 of bitchin' but i really really love the way your posts and your writing make me smile, giggle and dmkdldldldldlldldldldl scream when theres no Word to descrinw how i feel. I love you, please, have a great night know that you maks my heart boom boom 🥺🥺🥺💜💜💜

cheeky-kookie said: I re read Bitchin' 8 and almost cried because Jungkooks heart was breaking slowly I just- Hes an idiot but he cares for MC

Anonymous said: if kiri doesn’t drop dead in this chapter imma take matters into my own hands 😡 also chop off jungkook’s dick, he doesn’t deserve it

paolaa9700 said: Don’t gonna lie, I hate you for making me wait for the new chapter of Bitching until 4am (in my country). But you think I’m gonna stay awake until that hour just for that? Well you are right cause I’m gonna freaking wait. I’m already so nervous oh my god, oh my god! I can’t put in words how nervous and happy Im 😂

Anonymous said: mskjxjsmksksdkdjndlskxjbfbjc i just read pt.8 of bitchin and eye- fuck why did you do that to me? 😭 (also i think i’m new here, but i just want to say i’ve been reading your work for almost an entire year and it never ceases to amaze me! 💗)

tinievmin said: YOUR NEW THEME IS SO CUTE OMG!!! Also, I’m so excited for bitchin’ pt 9 but I’m terRIFIED THAT ILL STILL BE MAD AT JK ))):

rebekahoofblog said: im READY for pt 9, got my reminder SET. bitchin makes me wanna draw jungkook until i pass out boutta make more fanart i love ur writing the most 💞💞have an amazing day

[howtohero]

Fake Powers

In a world with so many different superhumans, magical creatures, and Power Jones, the man with one million powers and whom I’m pretty sure creates and erases superpowers at will, it can be rather difficult to keep track of what is an actual real power and what is not. Thankfully the good folks at OmniPower Genesis, the OPG have diligently researched and catalogued every known superpower. Not only have they done that, but they’ve also compiled a list of powers that people have claimed to have that they’re pretty sure are fake! This list is almost more valuable than the list of real powers, because they are almost all extremely dangerous, extremely powerful, and extremely terrifying. We’ve mirrored their list here for you to read, memorize, and internalize so you can rest easy knowing that if a villain ever claims to have one of these powers, they’re probably lying.

World Sustaining: The ability to keep the world going, even without actively participating in its saving. Users of this power act as a sort of support beam or perhaps good luck charm for the entire world. As long as they exist, the world will always come back from the brink of extinction. Also, this power might not actually exist. We don’t know what to tell you. Combat potential: You’d think that saving the world is an inherently peaceful power with limited combat usage. But this power actually ensures that all future combats can come to pass without the threat of armageddon.

Perpetual One-Upmanship: This power allegedly allows users to always be slightly more powerful than whomever they’re fighting. If somebody you’re fighting claims to have this power, they’re probably lying and just trying out some new smack talk. Don’t read too much into it. Just believe in yourself and you’ll be able to win the day! Combat potential: Well, people with this power are always a little bit better than whomever they’re fighting. That is obviously useful for fights.

Card Tricks so Good They Confound Even the Greatest Wizards: Readers might recognize this “power” as the tagline for stage magician, Tricky Martin’s (no relation to Ricky Martin) Las Vegas tour. Martin claimed to be so skilled at the ancient mystic art of card tricks that he could confuse and amaze even the world’s most powerful wizards. But of course, you all know that. What you probably didn’t know was that we had to actually go and investigate that claim. We rounded up as many powerful wizards as we could and brought them to one of Tricky Martin’s shows. Some of them, we’ll admit, were evil and were responsible for the Vegas Magacre of ‘13 and that’s on us. That’s our bad. Buuuuut you’ll be glad to know that only two of the wizards we brought were confused by Martin’s frankly incredible card tricks, but those two definitely weren’t like the greatest magicians. So, in the end, we were forced to classify this power as fake. Anybody who claims to have this power is merely skilled at the art of sleight of hand. Combat potential: If you can confuse a wizard you don’t need to fight them.

Updating Omnilingualism: Omnilingualism is the power to be able to speak and understand any verbal or nonverbal form of communication with no prior training. This is definitely a real power and we have recorded many instances of it. However, nobody has ever been shown to possess this unique form of omnilingualism, in which entirely new forms of communication can be assimilated seamlessly. Omnilinguals can only master forms of communication that exist when they get their powers, any new codes, languages or modes of communicating that are invented after they already have their powers must be learned the old fashioned way. We tested this by inventing our own language here at the office and then calling up random omnilinguals and attempting to communicate with them. None of them had any idea of what we were saying and many of them seemed very distressed by that fact. It was fun for us but very disconcerting for them. Combat potential: Updating omnilingualism is the perfect codebreaking ability, your enemies will never be able to sneak a message past you again.

Fictional Empathy Link: This power is often claimed to be possessed by superhumans in the movie industry and is claimed to be used to create the “Ultimate 4D movie experience!!!” The power allegedly allows users to create “empathy links” with fictional characters, making it so that victims feel the same things that the fictional character they’re watching is feeling. This power does not exist as we have understood empathy links to require two real beings with real emotions to work. Combat potential: Users of this power could conceivably create a fictional character, link them to a real person, and then cause terrible things to happen to them. Sort of like a written word voodoo doll.

The Perfect Sunday Afternoon: The power to be fully at peace on Sunday afternoon. No guilt about wasting the weekend. No stress about the coming week. None of those TV headaches you get from watching too much TV. With this power, every Sunday afternoon is the perfect Sunday afternoon. No stress, no worries, no bad weather, no unexpected visits from relatives. Nothing but those sweet sweet Sunday chills. Combat potential: If anybody tries to fight you on a Sunday afternoon they will definitely fail.

Immortal Slaying: According to our official working definition, a being that claims to be immortal cannot die, full stop. If they die then they were not immortal. Therefore the power to kill immortals does not exist. Because if you could kill an immortal, then they weren’t really immortal were they? Combat potential: You could kill mortal people, but anybody could do that.

Dimensional Death Capitalizing: The ability to gain more powerful with the destruction of a universe. When a universe ends or is destroyed there is usually a powerful burst of energy that is released into the multiverse. Throughout history, numerous people have thought they could capitalize on this energy wave and make themselves more powerful. Every one of these people has died and not one of them has become a god or a “living universe”. This is not a real thing, please stop destroying universes in the hope that it is. Combat potential: If it ever worked, which, again, it won’t, the user would gain a tremendous power boost which would allow them to defeat almost any foe.

Time Folding: Time folding is the act of taking a timeline, and removing a chunk of it while leaving the pieces of time before, and after it, completely unaltered. Time folders cannot travel through time, they can simply delete it, though conceivably time folding can be used to delete the present in order to quickly arrive in the future. There has never been a recorded instance of successful time folding, unless, I guess, there has been an instance when somebody successfully discovered and proved its existence... only for that instance to then be deleted from time... huh. Combat potential: Time folding can be used to delete lost battles from time. Of course, due to the nature of time folding, any ill effects you suffer from said battle will still be extant. But you can at least be smug about the fact that the fight you lost technically never happened and so you remain undefeated!

Time Travel Through Planetary Rotation: The power to turn back time by flying around the planet really fast and forcing it to spin in the opposite direction. We’re going to be honest with you. Somebody did this once. One time this happened, and everybody lost their goddamn minds. Nobody could handle it. It just didn’t make any sense to anybody. Scientists came from alternate dimensions to try to figure out what the heck had happened. We even dropped a line to some omnipotent deities to see if they could explain what happened and we got nothing. In the end, we all kind of just agreed that it was impossible. So if you feel like you have the ability to do this, please just don’t. The world is not ready for you. Combat potential: If you do this you’ll literally drive some of the multiverse’s greatest minds to tears as they try to explain it.

(Honestly most of these are time or paradox based so we’re just gonna skip ahead a bit....)

(Ooh, this is where they start to get alliterative. That’s fun!)

Existence Ending: The power to end all of existence with a single thought. Dozens of powerful demagogues, demi-gods, and Devin Gouges have claimed to possess this ability. However, there has never been a single recorded instance of this power being used in all of history. We can only conclude that it does not exist. Combat potential: There is no need to fear a combatant using this power in a fight as it cannot be localized or undone. If a combatant were to use this ability they would wipe themselves, their opponent, and the concept of combat from existence.

Perfect Persuasion: The power to convince a large amount of people that something was their idea. Not to be confused with mind control, charmspeak, the power of persuasion or any other mind-altering powers. Perfect persuasion is the ability to permanently alter a person’s ideas and perceptions without them ever realizing their brain has been tampered with. Perfect persuasion has a permanent effect and cannot be undone. We do not think this power is real and we all agree that we have always felt this way. Combat potential: Combatants with perfect persuasion could conceivably convince entire armies to abandon their causes. Highly dangerous, thankfully it is not real.

Micro-Multiverse Manufacturing: The power to create a microscopic multiverse. While microverse manufacturing on a singular level has been recorded, thanks to Mini-Mammoth’s discovery of the origins of Atomspace, the existence of microscopic multiverse within our own dimension has never been proven. Combat potential: The ability to create entire universes of microscopic life wherever and whenever you wish can be used offensively to convince people who revere the sanctity of life not to step in certain places or touch certain objects, for fear of crushing these tiny lifeforms.

Well, that’s all we have time for today. Remember, if you ever meet anybody who claims they can do these things, they’re almost definitely dirty stinkin liars who are just out to intimidate you. (If you think that you have one of these powers then you’re also a dirty stinkin liar and we hate you. But also do give the OPG a call as you may be a miracle person.)

[bronzeflower]

Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Also on ao3

-----

Chapter 5: Dave Is Just A Huge Flustered Mess

You were just finished updating your SBaHJ comics when you saw that your sister was pestering you.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Hello, Dave.

TG: whats up rose

TT: I would like to invite you to go with me on an outing to a certain clothing store.

TG: for the last time i dont want to get a suit and theres nothing you can do to make me go TG: what do i even need a suit for TG: i never go anywhere fancy enough to warrant wearing a suit TG: theyre also uncomfortable as hell TG: all itchy and scratchy and constricting and shit

TT: You only think that because you’ve only worn cheap suits. TT: And besides, I can easily convince you to come with me.

TG: bullshit TG: there is absolutely nothing you could say or do that could possibly make me go with you TG: ill chain myself to the inside of my room TG: you cant possibly break the lock even if you had ten thousand locksmiths TG: theyre all going to be like TG: miss lalonde why are you trying so fucking hard to get this guy out of his room TG: why cant you just leave him alone TG: and youll go on this spiel about how i need a suit TG: theyll be ten thousand miles away in a goddamn flash TG: knowing that suits are awful as fuck TG: so no rose TG: there couldnt possibly be even a single thing that could make me move an inch to go with you to a store to get a suit

TT: It’s a very nice store. TT: There is a plethora of clothing items to chose from there. TT: There also happens to be a cute boy who works there.

TG: … TG: … TG: … TG: how cute TG: like are we talking astronomical levels of cute TG: like one wrong move could set my heart aflame TG: or is he passing a random stranger and giving them a spare glance cute

TT: He has messy hair, small horns, and he looks like he could be able to give you the best hugs imaginable.

TG: my bloodpusher is already in hyperdrive TG: where do i sign up TG: i mean TG: nope still not going TG: i refuse TG: no matter how cute that guy sounds TG: i absolutely refuse

TT: You’ll come with me eventually. TT: No matter how much I have to wear you down.

TG: wow way to sound super creepy TG: why are you even so insistent on me going to this store anyway TG: youve never been this insistant before TG: even pulled out the cute guy thing on me TG: i bet you just made up that guy to try and get me to come

TT: I assure you that he is, in fact, as real as you and me. TT: And why I am so insistent on you going is of none of your concern.

TG: is there a cute girl who works there and youre just using me as an excuse to see her again

TT: ...

TG: holy shit TG: you really do have a crush on her TG: whats her name TG: come on rose TG: you cant avoid the question forever TG: tell me tell me tell me tell me TG: at least tell me what she looks like good god TG: okay you got me TG: if you tell me her name and what she looks like i swear that i will go with you to the store TG: ill even let you get me a suit

TT: What do you swear on?

TG: i swear on the monkey paw in my dead things collection

TT: A dangerous item to swear on. TT: I’ll accept it. TT: The contract is sealed. My blood has been used to finalize it.

TG: goddamn it rose just tell me who your crush is

TT: As if you don’t ramble on for an even lengthier amount of time than I did. TT: But I suppose I will hold my side of our deal. TT: Her name is Kanaya, and she owns the store I was speaking about. TT: She, by far, has one of the best fashion senses I have ever seen. TT: She’s intelligent and can analyze with the best of them. TT: She’s extraordinarily well-read, and the theories she has are like nothing I’ve ever heard. TT: Her horns are like daggers, her hair like silk. I could only dream of her lifting me off into the sunset. TT: Oh. TT: I seem to have gotten a little bit carried away there.

TG: holy shit rose thats probably one of the gayest things ive read in a while

TT: Yes, well, prose aside, you are now obligated to go with me to the store Kanaya owns. TT: I get to see Kanaya again, and you get a suit. TT: I’m killing two birds with one stone. TT: Not only that, but you get to meet a cute troll.

TG: clearly the only upside TG: anyway what time is this place open TG: because i would like to get this over and done with as soon as possible

TT: Good. TT: I’ll come over to pick you up in twenty minutes.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

You decide to edit one of your videos during that time, and soon you hear the ring of your doorbell.

Your get up to answer the door, and there is your sister looking more dressed up than usual.

“You’re dressed up. Trying to impress Kanaya?” You tease.

“Oh, silence. It’s not like you didn’t get dressed better than usual because I informed you that the boy working at the store was cute.”

“Okay, okay! Uncle! I admit it. I took five minutes of my time to look slightly better than normal, but at least I’m able to admit that.”

“I’m going to put the radio on.” Rose said, putting on obnoxious pop music that you both have heard a hundred times.

“If you don’t think I can easily talk over this poor excuse for good music then you have clearly underestimated my ability to ramble on for hours upon hours on end to even myself. There doesn’t even have to be anyone there. I’ll just be over here vomiting any stray thought I have out onto the ground where anyone can see it.Now I have to clean up all this fucking vomit on the floor because it's stinking up the room, and wow. I completely forgot where I was going with any of this.

“We’re here.” Rose suddenly commented.

You stared at her for a solid thirty seconds.

“You played me for a goddamn fool.” You finally say. Rose simply smirked all knowing like as the two of you got out the car.

The two of you went into the store, which, oddly enough, smelled a lot like rosemary.

The store was colorful and seemed to have nearly any article of clothing a person could want. There was also a sign that advised against licking the clothes, which reminded you of Terezi.

But, the moment your eyes wondered over to the register, your heart stopped. It stopped and then sped up to double time. You think you forgot to breathe.

You think what Rose told you wasn’t nearly enough to properly prepare you for how cute this troll was. Saying that he was astronomically cute was the most major understatement anyone could ever possibly make.

And Rose was pulling you toward him. Oh god, do you look okay? Would you even be able to talk to him? Come on, Dave. Take a deep breath. Be cool.

“Hello, Karkat.” Rose greeted.

“Hello, Miss Lalonde. What do you need?”

“Polite as ever, but you can just call me Rose. However, I did come here for more than just exchanging pleasantries. I would like to see Kanaya about getting my brother, Dave, here a suit.”

“Alright. I’ll go get her for you.” Karkat left and soon afterward an elegant looking woman came out with Karkat.

“If you’ll come with me, I can get you measured.” The woman said.

“Thank you.” Rose responded, and the two of you went to the back with Kanaya.

You can’t believe you’re being forced to get measured with your sister and Kanaya flirting up a storm. It was honestly extremely embarrassing.

At long last, you were done being measured, and you bolted out of the room after telling Rose that she could pick out whatever kind of suit she wants. This may or may not have been a good decision on your part, but you were just glad you didn’t have to see your sister make goo-goo eyes at Kanaya for another minute.

However, you were now back in the store part of the store where the cute guy was. You had no idea how to even begin interacting with him, so you decided to look through the store. To be fair, the clothes looked like they were really well made, so you ended up picking a few items that you genuinely wanted to buy.

When you began making your way to the register, you were revisited with the problem of how to talk to the cute boy there.

You were already going towards the counter, so it wasn’t like you could just go back and look through the store some more, so you resigned yourself to your death.

“Um, yeah, I’d like to buy this if you would be so kind. You know, because these clothes are actually super cool, and they seem really well made, not that I would know anything, but based on what my sister says about the store, the clothes are exactly as choice as I think they are. Clearly, they are the best clothes sold from here to the ends of the universe. That’s how fantastic they are, holy shit, you know? Oh, shit, I’m rambling a lot, aren’t I? I do that a lot, especially if I’m nervous. I swear I’m not actually nervous. You’re just really cute. Fuck. Okay, just forget I called you cute, not that you aren’t. You are extremely attractive and cute, and shit, I probably sound super creepy right now. I swear I didn’t mean to. I-”

You went quiet when he began to laugh. You just stood there in a dumbstruck silence while he laughed. Eventually, he stopped and spoke.

“Oh my god. When you came in here, I just thought you were some kind of insufferable prick, but you’re actually nervous, so I guess I thought wrong.”

You weren’t really able to respond due to being caught off guard by the laughter. The sound of footsteps came closer until the door was slammed open.

“I heard laughter, Karkat, what is it that you are laughing at?” Kanaya questioned.

“Did you just run over here because you heard me laugh?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you have a customer to work with?”

“Yes, but you do not genuinely laugh similarly to that quite nearly as often enough, so I decided to come over to where you were to find out what caused you to laugh so uproariously. However, all I see is Rose’s brother, who I have been informed has a very poor sense of humor that is based heavily in the art of irony.”

“Are you saying I’m not funny?” You finally manage to say something, and, of course, it isn’t even to the troll you were flustered over.

“Although I am incapable of being absolutely certain of the fact due to my not knowing you very well, but the way Rose described your humor left much to be desired.”

“Kanaya, you really should be getting back to talking to Rose.” Karkat said.

“All right, all right. But you will talk to me later, correct?”

“Of course I will.”

Kanaya left, and Karkat turned to face Dave.

“Wow. I can’t believe my own flesh and blood would betray me like this. What kind of sibling even tells someone else that her dear brother has a shitty sense of humor. And Kanaya over there just ripped me a fucking new one, holy shit.”

“Don’t worry about it. That’s just her sense of humor shining through.” Karkat responded. “Now could you please pay for the clothes you just bought?”

“Oh! Yeah, alright.” You fumble for your wallet and give him your credit card to pay for the items. He neatly puts them in a bag and hands them to you along with the receipt.

You take a moment to write your chumhandle down on the receipt, along with a little message saying to be sure to contact you.

Rose finally comes out of the room where Kanaya was.

“Are you ready to leave, Dave?”

“Hell fucking yeah, I am.”

Before the two of you leave, you ‘accidentally’ leave the receipt with Karkat, and you can hear him yelling at you once you leave the store.

“So, how was your meeting with Karkat?”

“Come one, Rose. You know I’m suave as shit. Smoother than butter, that’s what I say. People spread me and they’re like, ‘holy shit I can’t believe how fucking smooth this is.’ That’s how goddamned smooth I am and how I was.”

“Is that code for you becoming a flustered mess around any cute guy you meet?”

“Shut up.”

“Did you at least get his contact information or give him your own?” Rose questioned.

“Yeah, I wrote my chumhandle on the receipt and left it there. I have no idea if he will actually message me or anything. Probably not based on how much of a mess I was.”

“So that’s why he was yelling at us when we left. But you can try to hold on to some semblance of hope that he will willingly contact you.”

“I guess that’s better than nothing, but I am not going to expect much.”

  Once you got home, you got on the computer to pester Terezi.

 -- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

 TG: tz holy shit i need to tell you something

GC: WH4T 1S 1T D4V3?

TG: i just met this guy okay

TG: super cute and i even made him laugh like holy fuck

TG: and all i was doing was rambling on for forever like i usually do

TG: especially because he was extremely cute and my brain just couldnt compute with the cuteness

TG: and he just started laughing

TG: and then the owner of the fucking store came running to see what was so funny

TG: apparently he doesnt laugh much

TG: and then she insulted my sense of humor

TG: like why do you have to ripe on a dudes humor like that

GC: HOW B4D W4S TH3 BURN?

TG: it was so fucking bad

TG: had to get cold water poured on it immediately afterwards

TG: went to the hospital and i was on the emergency track

TG: thats how fucking bad it was

GC: 1 C4NT B3L1V3 SOM3ON3 4CTU4LLY D1D TH4T

TG: i know right

GC: BUT ON 4 S1D3 NOT3

GC: HOW CUT3 W4S TH3 BOY AND HOW MUCH OF 4 M3SS OF YOURS3LF D1D YOU M4K3?

TG: the guy was extremely cute

TG: massively cute

TG: so cute that im gonna have to look up synonyms of cute merely to give you the basic rundown of how cute he is

TG: endearing adorable lovable sweet lovely appealing engaging delightful dear darling winning winsome attractive pretty good looking handsome attractive gorgeous

TG: some of these dont really make sense but you get the idea

TG: this boys cuteness is nothing to be trifled with

GC: H3 SOUNDS D3L1C1OUS

GC: D1D YOU G3T H1S NUMB3R

GC: OR P3ST3RCHUM H4NDL3 OR TROLL H4NDL3

GC: WH4T3V3R H3 US3S

TG: i gave him my pesterchum handle but i dont even know if he will even bother messaging me

TG: or shit if he even uses pesterchum or trollian or whatever

GC: H3 PROBABLY DO3S

GC: MOST P3OPL3 DO B3C4US3 1TS E4SY TO US3

GC: 4ND 1 COULD NOT S33 WHY H3 WOULDNT W4NT TO CONT4CT YOU

GC: BOTH B3CAUS3 YOU 4R3 SUP3R COOL 4ND B3C4USE 1 4M BL1ND 4ND TH3R3FOR3 C4NT S33

TG: shit i guess youre right as always pyrope

GC: 1TS 4 SP3C14LTY OF M1N3 >:]

GC: B31NG R1GHT TH4T 1S

TG: solid facts are being brought up here

TG: completely frozen and strong enough to stay as a goddamned solid or however the fuck that works

TG: facts that cant even be disputed like at all

TG: because that would be just blasphemy

TG: anyway im kind of hungry so im going to go eat

TG: see ya tz

GC: SM3LL YOU L4T3R COOL K1D

 -- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --