#ik the best case/reasonable response is none of them would care

[t4t-scout]

TF2 where all of the mercs are stealth trans men

[mariaiscrafting]

no, you know what, I’m going to stop vague’ing on the dash. my anger is about to get extremely direct and enraged, so fair warning, but I don’t care about anyone’s comfort right now. I’m going to get fucking mad, and you all will fucking deal.

not a single one of us has the right, or should even have the option, to guess about ccs’ sexualities. I’ve kept my mouth shut when it comes to people analyzing george/dream and guessing they’re some kind of queer, but I’m fucking done. I’m going to go into every single reason “truthing” about ccs’ sexualities is just so beyond fucked.

first of all, this is in response specifically to ranboo and tubbo truthing. being a kid and getting thrown into such a massive spotlight, where you will undoubtedly be subject to some fuck shit eventually because the internet is full of thousands upon thousands of people, is already terrifying and anxiety-inducing and damaging enough. but for their own audiencemembers - their own supposed fucking “fans” - to take it one step further and speculate about their sexualities? oh, for the love of god. I can barely believe I even have to explain how fucked that is. it is one thing to be friends with or close to someone in real life and recognize your own queer struggle in them, to approach them with sympathy and support in case they are questioning. it is another thing entirely to speculate about the sexuality of someone you don’t even know, and to then take it a step further and “truth” about your fucking theories. you are not an expert, you are not their friend, and you are not a fucking oracle. you can guess all you want about a cc’s sexuality, you can comment on how their actions or behaviors or words resonate with you when you were questioning or closeted, but to go ahead and take your own speculation as truth is arrogant, presumptous, and damaging as all hell. 

I can just imagine what it would’ve been like if I’d grown an online platform that ripped me of my privacy when I was a teenager and trying to figure out my own sexuality. if I had a section of my audience analyzing my every social media post, the inflection in my voice and the nature of my laughs, my every interaction with my best friend, you know what I would’ve done? retreated so far into the closet that I would probably have tricked myself into thinking I was heterosexual. I would’ve been so fucking terrified and felt so stripped of any privacy or control I had over my own goddamn thoughts; do you understand how fucking vile that is? have none of you ever been terrified of giving away your own sexuality through your mannerisms and facial expressions and words, while you were closeted? have none of you ever experienced that utter fucking terror when you notice someone start to question your sexuality, the immediate urge to retreat and back up and act and believe the complete opposite just to prove them wrong and go back to the safety and security of them believing you were straight? for fuck’s sake, now imagine that feeling amplified a hundred fold, applied not just to one instance or one person in your life, but to thousands. do y’all not understand just how a) morally fucked it is to inflict this same kind of practice onto someone you supposedly care about and support, and b) potentially psychologically damaging this could be to ccs who are closeted, especially the fucking minors? oh my fucking god.

that isn’t even to point out why people do this shit - which is to project and find solace and derive some kind of enjoyment out of cc’s. that’s what cc’s are there for; they are entertainers, first and foremost, which continues outside of streams and bleeds into fandom culture and the kind of enjoyment fans can make out of interacting with other fans and creating their own fan content. the problem with this fact is that fans take it too far, like 85% of the time. cc’s aren’t just there for our own enjoyment. they are fucking people, oh my lord. they are real people that we will never know, and while we may have our fun with our little theories and talking to other fans and making and watching cute compilations and writing fanfiction and making fanart, we are just deriving entertainment from the parts of themselves they choose to show us. that persona they put on for the stream, that is not 100% them. they are real, rounded, 3-d, full people who we only ever get the privilege of witnessing a small sliver of. and we need to fucking remember that, because we can’t just keep running with the ideas of ccs that we have in our heads and treating them like they’re malleable characters for our own entertainment. 

anyways, specifically about truthing (and mind you, this is the point in the rant where a little of my anger starts to seep out because I’m tired and it’s 1:40 AM and I have class tomorrow): there’s so many things that can be said about gaydar. I’m not here to argue whether or not it exists, or the details of the morality of straight versus non-straight people engaging in the practice of truthing. I’m just here to say that, even if you believe gaydar exists and can be accurate when employed by non-straight people, that still only applies to people you fucking know. what you see of a cc is not “getting to know” them. what you are seeing is one face of a multi-faceted jewel, cut in far more ways that you can ever hope to one day perceive. your theories are just those - theories. whatever you might think of the giggles you heard or the pickup lines you saw uttered or the softness you imagine between x and y, human interaction is far too complex and laced with meaning for some rando on the internet who watches youtube videos and twitch streams to fully grasp from two entertainers working from behind a screen. your gaydar is not going to fucking work through a screen, fuck off with that shit.

another thing that’s fucking bothering me so much is this assumption that comes with being at all open about queerness when you yourself are not queer. ik this is just one of the many factors “truthers” use to justify the findings of their totally infallible, prophetic gaydar, but it’s a factor nonetheless, and it bothers the fuck outta me. someone being willing to express support for lgbt people or donate to lgbt chairities or open to conversations with other lgbt people about lgbt endeavors is not evidence of queerness. to say that it is contributes to the harmful belief that cishets still have that they cannot be any of those things - that is, exceedingly open about and to queerness - without being perceived as queer themselves. 

anyways, and now we are at the bottom line, which is that, this entire conversation wouldn’t even have to be had if people just fucking listened to cc boundaries. ranboo and tubbo do not like being shipped. it is that fucking simple. i know that it is tempting to ship two people you think are cute together. i know it is tempting to indulge in a dynamic you find comforting. but idgaf. temptation is not an excuse. find some fictional characters to ship, and kindly fuck off.

[liv-laugh-die]

||Admiring|| 💖Miya Osamu x Gn!reader

trope: strangers meeting in the park (ik its random bear with me😭)

warnings: its not proofread all the way through (im sorry im tired), so theres probably grammatical errors or typos but other than that none

genre: fluff pretty much just sappy stuff

pairing/s: osamu x gn!reader

wc: about 2.5k

a/n: oh my god idk where i came up with this but i think its cute so :p i hope you enjoy!!

You stared at your blank computer screen, hope of finishing your assignment before its due date at midnight slowly vanishing. 

     The clock on your desk read 11:27pm, the green lines wavering in your vision as your eyes slowly drooped, trying to drag you into the depths of slumber. You wanted to sleep, you really did, but you knew there was no way you could give up writing your essay, even now, knowing you weren’t going to submit it on time, because you would stress too much about it if you didn’t at least try to complete it before the due date. 

     Pushing yourself away from your desk, your chair squeaking against the floor ever so slightly in your dead silent dorm room, you tried to think of some excuse that your professor might believe. You doubted there was anything you could think of, but hey, your professor was better than what your roommates’ had mentioned theirs being, and you were grateful for that. Maybe you could tell him that you were exhausted from working extra hours at your job since you had had to cover your coworker’s shift and that’s why you couldn’t complete your essay on time? Or, maybe you could get away with a simple “I was lacking interest in the material, and couldn’t understand anything, and I didn’t ask for help because I knew that you are such a busy man trying to do so many things at once. Another hopeless near college drop-out wasn’t something I thought you needed on your hands.”

     ....Maybe not the latter.

    You sighed, running a hand through your tangled hair, practically feeling it screaming at you to wash it. You barely had time in the mornings to take showers anymore, and when you took them at night, you never had the strength to wash your hair, always knowing that putting a hat on overtop or throwing on your hoodie would make it seem fine on the outside, and that was good enough for you. As long as you looked at least decent and somewhat presentable.

    Your dorm room was fairly small, like every other one, but the lack of furniture made it seem larger than the rest. Nothing more than you and your roommate’s joint desk, the mini fridge in the corner, and the beds filled the space. You almost tripped over your backpack lying next to the bunk bed pushed up against the wall, falling to what would’ve been inches away from your roommate’s sleeping body.

    In an attempt not to disturb them, you tiptoed through the room, stepping over the occasional heap of clothes or homework, until you reached the bathroom. You fumbled over the door knob before almost tumbling into the small space. Glancing in the mirror, you didn’t fail to notice your messy hair, the dark circles tracing beneath your eyes, or the way you looked like you were seconds away from passing out. The sound of running water rang in your ears as you turned on the sink faucet, cupping your hands together and bringing your face down to meet them, rubbing the cold water all over you in an attempt to keep you awake for just a few moments longer.

     Your eyes returned back to the mirror as you sighed at your dripping wet face. There was no way possible you were going to finish your assignment on time. You knew it, your roommate knew it before they passed out, and you had noticed your professor’s wary glance this morning in class as a sign that he knew it too.

     An idea sprang into your head, part of you dreading the optimism that seemed to seep through your brain slowly. You didn’t feel like being energetic right now.

---an hour later---

You weren’t exactly sure how, when, or why you decided it would be a good idea to take a shower (you did end up washing your hair, thank god), get your things together in your bag, and head to the off-campus coffee shop (since the one on-campus had already closed), but you found yourself with a warm cup of coffee in hand as you exited the shop, the cold midnight air enveloping you in an unwelcome embrace.

     You shivered. The only thing your spontaneous brain had forgotten had to have been your jacket, the one thing your normal brain would’ve remembered if it weren’t already past midnight and if you weren’t majorly sleep-deprived.

     You most certainly weren’t done with your essay yet, nor was there any possible way for you to finish it on time since it was now approximately thirteen minutes past the due time, but you let yourself breathe for now.

     There weren’t many people out at this hour, and it made the usual busy city streets seemed like a ghost town. There were a few restaurants still open as you strolled along the sidewalk, their lights responsible for illuminating more than half the area in front of you. You passed by an onigiri shop your friend had recommended to you, but you just weren’t that hungry. Most nights, you’d kill for a midnight snack, but your single shot of espresso coffee was satisfying your needs for now.

     You decided to head to the park after seeing a rabbit hop its way across the vacant street and into the bushes in that direction. The fresh air was nice and cool against your dry and croaky lungs, and your ears needed a different sound than that of you miserably attempting to touch type quickly, your fingers rapping against the keyboard with vigor.

     A stream nearby flowed softly, the dripping of the water against the rocks complimenting the noise of the crickets chirping in sync just downstream. Your footsteps cut through the grass slowly, not bothering to follow the stone path. The park was a nice change of scenery. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d been here by yourself in peace, it was always you and your rambunctious friends who ran through every now and then just to see the dogs running through the sprinklers, or the occasional poor cat whose owner dragged them out into the daylight for exercise. This was peaceful, though, and you appreciated that.

     A few more rabbits crossed your path, giving you that wide-eyed, side glance before darting off into the darkness, outside the reach of the lampposts emitting light. The sound of the stream soon faded out as you continued to walk through the park, sipping your coffee every so often. The warmth from your cup was soon dying out, and you figured you’d have to start walking back to your university sooner or later. Maybe you could crash at your friend’s house who lived just off campus, though you had forgotten your phone back at your dorm and had no alarm, no laptop to complete your work, and no contact with anyone else who might worry where you’d be. You had really no choice but to trek back to your dorm in the darkness, cutting your peaceful visit to the park short.

     You let yourself have a few more minutes of stress free relaxing as you sat down on a bench just before the ground let out into a downhill slope overlooking the rest of the city below. The trees around you swayed in the breeze, and for a moment, you thought it was the wind talking, and not an actual human being who had somehow made his way beside you without gathering your attention.

     “Didn’t think anyone else would be up at this hour,” the stranger mumbled. You glanced up, almost startled that, indeed, someone else was actually awake and strolling through the park.

     The boy couldn’t have been much older than you were, maybe the same age. He had his hands stuffed in his jacket pockets, the wind tousled his dark hair ever so slightly, and the moonlight played along, illuminating his face just so you could actually see how gorgeous he was.

     You cleared your throat, averting your eyes back to the ground as you shifted over, creating more space on the bench in case he wanted to sit down beside you. “I decided to actually take care of myself for once and give myself some time to breathe before facing the wrath of my professor tomorrow when he finds out I didn’t turn in my essay on time.” You let out a low, breathy chuckle, not exactly sure of what would happen next.

     The guy sat down on the bench next to you, though he made sure to give you some personal space, which you were grateful for. He laughed along with you a bit, and you could tell just from his tone just how tired he really was.

     You gave him a side glance, raising an eyebrow. “So, what the stressful thing that brought you here in the middle of the night?”

     He smiled half-heartedly, eyes trained on the moon. “Work stuff. Jus’ been busy, I guess.” He shrugged. 

     You waited for him to continue on, but he stayed silent. You didn’t complain, though. Wasn’t your whole reason for coming out here in the dead of the night for some quiet? Plus, it wasn’t awkward either. You were comfortable sitting next to this stranger.

     “What do you do for work?” You waited a little longer than necessary to ask, but he didn’t seem to mind the long pause.

     “I own a restaurant a few blocks away. I love the job, it’s just tiring havin’ to deal with rude customers like my brother who won’t get the hint and get out sometimes. I got into an argument with him earlier today and he just wouldn’t shut it.” He rolled his eyes and took his hands out of his pockets, making eye contact with you as he went on about his day, and you couldn’t help but smile at his passion. “The guy thinks he can just walk in when I’m working with a new employee and just act like he runs the place! Quite stupid if you ask me. Such a jerk, he is. Thinkin’ about just banning him from the place, really.” 

     You snorted. “He really bugs you that much, huh?”

     The guy smirked at your laugh, admiring it, though you would never had guess that was what flashed across his face in a million years. He nodded. “Yeah, ‘course I love ‘im ‘cause he’s my twin and my best friend, but he really knows how to annoy the hell outta me.” He shrugged. “Maybe I’ll just get a sign in the window that says “no shirt, no shoes, no service” and cross it out and write my brother’s name instead,” he reasoned, and the pondering look in his eyes made you wonder if he was actually considering the idea.

     You smiled. “You’re funny.”

     “You say that like ya weren’t expectin’ it.”

     A laugh made its way out your lips. “Well, when you’re approached by a stranger in the middle of the night you sort of expect the worst.”

     The guy glanced off in the distance, away from you, furrowing his eyebrows. “Sorry, didn’t think of that comin’ off that way.” He shrugged a shoulder. “Guess it’s a good thing I’m funny then, and not some creep, eh?”

     You nodded, the smile on your face not fading as he changed topics.

     “So, what’s your essay on? Any way I can help ya finish it?”

     You shook your head dismissively. “Oh, no. It was due thirty minutes ago.” You quickly explained the topic you were writing about in class before getting side tracked. “My professor had said he would allow it to be turned in the next morning, but I doubt he actually meant it.”

     He smiled a wide grin, making butterflies flutter in your stomach. “You go to the university nearby, right?” 

     You nodded in confirmation, raising an eyebrow. “If I’ve got any luck, there’s a chance you go there too?”

     He laughed a little, shaking his head. “Nah, I don’t, sorry. I’ve visited campus a few times because some of my friends go there, but I just usually focus on work.”

     His gaze was tilted upwards towards the sky, and you couldn’t help but admire how the exhaustion still shone in his eyes, but somehow that same passion gleamed there too just mentioning what he did for a living. You wished you were that passionate about something that would actually support you financially in the future and make you happy.

     When he glanced back at you, you were still taking his essence in, and he made a look of confusion. “What?”

    You shook your head, chuckling. “Nothing. I just admire that you can dedicate yourself to something and make it seem so easy.” He looked at you, interested to hear what you had to say, even though you were sure you couldn’t be the first person to tell him this. “I haven’t even known you for more than ten minutes and I can already tell you’re passionate about what you do and if you’re stressed about it, it must mean you’re dedicated to seeing your work through, and that’s more than enough to admire and appreciate, especially when that can be so difficult sometimes.” You finished your short tangent, looking back up at him to see him staring intently at you, seemingly in awe of what you’d just said. You felt a blush creep onto your face as you quickly blurted out, “Sorry- I didn’t mean to be so straightforward and weird like that- I sound like some crazy secret admirer or something...”

     The crickets chirped in the silence between the two of you, and it felt like it would never end.

     “Y’know, I wouldn’t mind havin’ a secret admirer. I mean, wouldn’t be so secret, but...” You saw the smile creep up onto his face. “It’s nice being appreciated. Nobody really tells me that kind o’ stuff, so... thanks, I guess.” 

     The heat on your cheeks didn’t go away by any means, but you grew more comfortable with it as you mumbled, “Maybe I wouldn’t mind admiring you.”

     Now, it was the boy’s turn to blush, and you smiled at how his cheeks grew redder with every passing second, and how his subtle grin spoke a thousand words he didn’t need to say.

     “Miya Osamu.” The boy’s hand came into your view as he extended it for you to shake. “I own Onigiri Miya across from the grocery outlet.”

     You smirked, grasping his hand in yours as you said, “L/N Y/N. I own an official license for being a horrible driver and an ID that proves I’m a sleep-deprived college student and that’s about it.”

     He laughed, shaking your hand and standing up, letting go too soon for your liking.

     Because for some weird reason, his hand felt right in yours.

     Osamu said a quick goodbye, mentioning something about how he should get going and how you should get some sleep before he disappeared down the stone path back into the darkness.

     You stood up not too long after he’d left, your coffee now entirely cold as you plopped the half full cup into the trash can on your walk back to your dorm, not needing the pathetic warmth anymore. Your heart was beating fast and the feeling of Osamu’s hand resting in yours lingered on your palm, and that kept you warm enough.

     Maybe you’d be visiting that onigiri place your friend recommended to you a little sooner than you’d originally planned, and maybe more often than you would’ve expected.

[youngblizzardglitter]

Remember A Few Months Ago?

"What?" Terry asked looking at his younger brother Ace stood intensely. "Yeah what of it?"

"You told me we were here for space. Was that a lie?" He asks looking up at him he hears he was angry but couldn't see it his eyes hidden by black glass.

"No." He said trying to sound as normal as possible. It wasn't a lie more of a half-truth as it was reason number two.

"Then what was that scene you made at the Fizzes party? You said you didn't know him."

"I don't!" Terry's mind completely slipped on the fact that Ace saw him out Fernando on his bullshit.

"You know Estaban!" He says annoyed that yet again Terry was treating him like a child.

Your always like this. They both thought annoyed.

"Steve." He corrects rubbing his head. He looked at the clock 1 pm. He can't send him to bed or even tell him to go do something.

"Look this is something we can't talk about because of-"

"Mom?" He says getting closer. "Did she die because-"

"She died of bad health." He snaps annoyed now. "And a lot of factors played into that."

"One of them was the Fizzes?"

"Ace-"

"Terry, please just tell-"

"Alejandro!" He snaps as Ace frowned. "Just let me take care if this okay?"

"Fine." He snaps leaving. "I'll just be left in the dark like always."

"Ace-" His door slammed like an angsty teen.

"This family." He says thinking back on Rose's words. 

"This family can be a bit much sometimes. More so now that you too are a part of it."

"I mean no offense." She said quickly realizing what it sounded like. "I just-"

"I get it." He had smiled knowing it was true.

"Ace am going out okay?" He said knocking on the door. "Leave a note and you can co do whatever."

He knew he was in there. He had shut the windows from the outside last night as they were leaving and didn't want something coming in like last year.

Terry quickly showered put on some clothes and took with him his bag putting his letters. He needed to know if he could move with all that's going on or if it would look bad and make sure he had enough money to move back.

The bank was a long walk and Terry felt like he could use it to clear his head on what went down earlier. He wondered how fast the news would flood to other people.

They were a hundred people at that party everyone saw it not doubts- His train of thought stopped abruptly when a realization bounced off.

Ace was at that party he saw me go off on them. The Fizzes house was a long drive that's why I flew they were having a party early to make sure everyone could come. Why the fuck did I not make that connection?!

He quickly took out his phone as he stopped a block or two before making it he need to make sure Ace was okay and well.

Fine. Am going to Valeries be back later.

He must be thinking that I lied. I have in some degrees but it was only for his best.

But who are you to decide that?

As that snapped him out of it Terry's ears heard something a few blocks away.

"Did Steve ever say anything?" A girl named Maxine asked. "Like he got slapped into a wall!"

"Isn't he mad?" Andria her best friend scoffed. "Of course he is. He just ruined his parent's marriage and slapped him for no reason."

"Terry's never reliable anyway he's always slacking off and being rude. He's bound to fight him." Andria said clicking away at her phone.

Like some over glorified child abuser can take me. He thinks ever since he came into the show the teens haven't won any awards he hasn't gotten.

"And it's so unfair how he so perfect for everyone else! All the villains love him and hate us! None of them know how shitty he is-"

Terry smirked as Maxine made eye contact with him.

"Oh really now?" He says looking them up and down. "What's Stevie boy gonna do?" He laughs when they don't say anything back.

"Funny." He says walking away he always hated the cheerleaders. Ever since Sara told everyone he broke up with her through a text they hated him he hadn't though. They hated him just like he hated his bank statement three thousand looked back at him mocking him.

It was enough to fly back home but not too to pay for anything relating to his case he needed to call his family lawyer and ask.

"Hey, Terry." Her voice proclaimed as papers were being moved. "Gald you phoned did you hear that your case is being challenged by Fernando Fizz?"

"Yeah. Just got the letters. You need those?"

"Yeah. And I need you to come here as fast as you can to work this out. Your case was already as tricky as it is. With Ace's bio father wanting custody and you being a teen he might win."

"Can't I sue him back? He says annoyed. "He owes thousands of child support-"

"Trust me I know but your mother never made a case she-"

"Died before she could make one." He finished somberly his ears started to ring.

"...Yeah." She answers back knowing it was a sore subject. "Does Ace know?"

"For the most part some of it yeah. I need to sit him down first."

"Okay then. We have two weeks before summer ends I think you should tell him and come deal with this."

"Okay." He sighs. He never thought he'd have to tell Ace like this he wanted to wait until he asked again or was eighteen.

"Okay, Terry just go bake a pie for something." He tried calming himself his mom use to do the same thing and he picked it up somehow.

He had enough food to spare for one plus he needed to talk about everything with Ace.

He has the right to know his family. Whether it not their bad people and I can't say much either.

The walk was shorter as he got the fruit and went to check it out. He should be back in no one swipe.

"Did you hear that Ferna has an affair kid?"

Oh my fucking God. He thinks knowing what was going on.

"No."  A make whispered hearing his wife.

"Yeah, some teen came up in the party about child support money he owes her."

"He cheated with a teen?" His mouth opened in shock. "On Rose?"

"She seems fine with it she spent a few hours talking with her. She threw him into the pool."

"Oh my goodness where did you learn this?"

"It's all the guests are talking about. My friend heard it from her daughter. All the girls won't stop talking."

"How's Steve the poor baby."

The only thing they got right is that he's a baby. He looks over as the lady scanned one last item.

"Don't know he did get slapped into a wall. He's definitely hurt psychically if not emotionally."

"Wow. What are they gonna do?"

"Next person sir." She said as the person in front left.

He got out of there quickly not wanting to know more. He didn't think it was spread so quickly it had only been four hours.

He breathed deeply when he got home Ace's door was open meaning he was gone.

Do I have to leave him here? He might choose to stay here.

No, he wouldn't.  He might Nigel is here he closer with the friends he has here.

Rose and Fernando could provide for him better than I ever could. They're loaded with money and have millions saved up I don't even have enough to challenge his case.

What if he does win? What would he do?

Ace might not want to see me after I lied he might hate me if he doesn't already.

Moms probably rolling in her grave. She must be pissed I didn't keep my agreement. Am handing him over to the people that killed her.

What if they kill Ace? What if he ends up hurt?

Stevens just like his father he might.

Then am going to be alone then am going to be responsible and then I have to live with that guilt.

Am I going to even have money to pay for the change?

"Please come to me if you need anything." Roses words came back to him.

"Could I really ask though?" He says to one he looks back to the clock 3 pm he heard something.

Ace wouldn't come back for an hour or more who the fuck was that?

He quickly went to get it hoping it was him he got the man of the hour himself.

Steven Fizz with a banged-up cheek.

He slammed the door. Not today no fucking way.

"Terry come on!" He says banging on the door. "Can we talk?"

"No!" He yells from the kitchen. "Get out!"

"Why do you have to be like this?! Can we not have a talk person to person?!"

"Fuck you!" He yells back. "Get the fuck out!"

"Terry." He says to the door he sounds more disappointed than angry.

"Estaban." He says rolling up the curtains of the window. He loved the way his face looked when he called him his real name he smirked like an evil character.

"Terry, can we talk?"

"We are aren't we?"

"Face to face."

"We are aren't we?" He says like a broken record.

"Fine. The boy I helped in the hospital was that Ace?"

"No."

"Your lying. I saw him at the party talking with Nigel. Is he in the knd?"

"No." That was actually the truth.

"Are you going to be like this the whole time?"

"Yes."

Steve sighed running a hand through his hair. "My dad won't say anything and my mom was the one who talked to you-"

"And it was confidential. It doesn't concern you."

"It kinda did when you-"

"Your father ruined everything, not me." He butts in knowing where it was going.

"Ruined the party by outing my BS." He continues. "I have a half brother?"

"Yeah." He confirms after a long pause. He looks at the clock ten minutes had passed he should get this done by then.

"How old is he?"

"He's not a baby." He sasses he noticed the way he easses up as if he was no longer stressed.

"Can I talk to him?"

"No."

"Terry-"

"He's not here. He's at his friends house." He didn't know if that was true Ace was all over the place sometimes.

Steve nodded thinking. He needed something to know his mom just said not to worry about it. His dad was worse

"When is he coming back?"

"Don't know."

"He looks nothing like my dad. He looks more like me surprisingly." He laughs trying to get Terry to ease up. "Your siblings it's natural."

"Do we have anything in common besides good looks?"

"Funny," Terry smirks looking for an exit.

"I got a pie in the oven you should go."

"Can you at least tell me when we could talk?" Terry opened the door surprised. Steve shifted back thinking he was going to get slapped only for Terry to walk past him.

Steve looked back and saw the boy he met in the hospital. He seemed perfectly fine from when he first saw him. He smiled seeing Terrace bend down and hug him Ace protested when Terry kissed his face.

"Wait here," Terry said as he brought the boy into the house.

[funniestsimpalive]

I am so fucking mad i just finished soul eater and the last 2 episodes were literally bullllllllshiiiiiet the battle of death and ashura was so empty so stupid so out of what I expected it literally was death almost killing this fucking ashura and in one second he goes for death the kid and bam death is now not able to fight, and all they talked while fighting ???? Shinigami for fucking real you are telling me you considered ALL your opponent said BULLSHIET???? Like bitch can’t you not just like try to imagine the philosophical thinking ashura was tellingggggg he wasn’t even speaking things you would have never heard of or have a clue about he was literally narrating he spent looooong time by himself and came to the conclusion fear is one of the most important impulse to make people feel other emotions like wrath for example, fear was behind actions too!!!!!!! Like ik it’s not that simple to come to that conclusiob by having someone just telling you arrongantly cause they spent their lifetime and got to that point and it does make it seem like pointless but bitch you don’t get or at least don’t wonder about fear? Or have any backup about fear making you doing something stupid or something you would regret not doing? Lit said that was pointless,,,,Like even so I would believe you, it somehow would be pointless, the way Maka said she felt calm cause she had bravery (valor) could be an excellent response but I was just so let down with the way Maka settle it, I was expecting YOU fucking death to say something worth full meaningful bitch you fucking rule death city and you have literally nothing valuable to say? Like even when ashura said that doing the right thing, going with the law and being responsable would get you to fail/loose/die first, like no honor on being like that? Not pleasure? Sense or trascendency? To being humble or not selfish? None of that you could say!!!!!! And Maka solved it in 5 min in a dumbbbbb bullshiet way and ashura just saw Maka wasn’t feared about him and literally lost his mind, I know he lost playing his own game cause he settle everything around fear and it didn’t had to be like that. but it’s just so dumb doesn’t seem like he had literally tons of power and will to overcome Maka’s wish to make him fail, literally value surpassed him, makes me feel like when ashura said “que más da si la locura _gobierna_ el mundo” which would be translated as “what difference does it make if madness overcomes/controls the world” literally reveled he had nothing but fear to destroy and his life was reduced to that, he wouldn’t have any goal or actual purpose, that’s why he felt confident loosing fearness, he had nothing but to avoid feeling such an basic emotion which lead people to in a big way be who they are and do or not do what they care or have interest about, I think that would easily explain why he lost his mind when he felt feared by maka surpassing him with value, cause to be brave isn’t necessary to not feel fear, if not for doing what you have to do even so. But they explained it so poorly and really made me feel like I was watching a shonen for 10year olds, this could have been really better cause maka didn’t really deepened on her bravery they had the other characters to explain she wasn’t the best on fighting but she was brave, which is not sooooo true cause she had the hability given from his mother, which was really something important no one else surrounding her had and for the other characters, they just did them so wrong literally black star didn’t say SHIET about not being him who defeated the Gods?? During the whole series that was his goal and became pretty much his phrase, but he didn’t even congratulated Maka? For accomplish something so important to him? Like he said the sky was cleared again and was literally paired with patty who is just a comedy relief in the same frame, literally they reduced black star development to nothing 😂😂😂????

Ashura’s fear concept made him a really interesting villain, I completely agreed with a lot he said, like for example when maka thought she could use the demonhaunting hability to make him loose, and he says he isn’t really evil so it doesn’t make sense she thinks that. And again, makes me think she just as death, didn’t really understand the concept and the thinking ashura developed around fear, he started really strong and precise about humane relationship with fear and impulse, but loose to the simpliest argument, makes me think ashura was a coward villain who didn’t wanna face his fears and better decided to destroy or ignore what made him feel like that, (like not ignoring actually but to sweep them under the map) like the way he did to Arachne who he killed the moment he gotta see her again, but all he said about fear was true, if he wouldn’t have been a coward, or have any purpose beyond having the reason about fear he would had ending somewhere and actually defeated maka’s argument. Being brave is awesome and very respectable, but fear is a natural emotion which drags us to develop or evilness or goodness, having the guts to deal with it takes effort and caring from you to yourself and also from yours surroundings, like we can say is the case for Crona. I think what made ashura’s a coward and bad/misued argument and effort in being Evil, is that he was treated as he needed punishment, when mad angry people are locked up with their emotions, in darkness, there is no communication with other that can helpt them think differently that the way they do, to understand something you must interact with the concepts, maybe look up for examples or go back to experience to say something can be true or not, I think at least emotionally things work like that, buring in darkness full of wrath, loneliness and without any healthy goal to perused can make a person live and soak with their demons, it surprises me he was so calm and rational when talking the very first time he scaped and fought death, made me think of him as a cool villain. I think he was calmed the way someone can feel firstly mad or really sad and beyond that feeling, the next fue thing is not to feel anything at all, being soulless, not caring, and I think, as they lost their humanity and KNOW what happiness and carefulness can be, they feel fear but like dragged like as you were down in the water of a pool and couldn’t hear if someone you have in front of you is saying, and it makes it specially emotional when you are acknowledged they are talking to you but you only hear noises that disturb them, like the radio Stein had in his brain, as I said, they feel fear cause they have a notion what emotions they are able to feel but being soulless feels safe and right and rational, but kinda understand/think/op/know their point of view can be right,,, but it’s not everything, goodness and benevolence is also there and like an empty box waiting to be found and filled, while being sad you may feel rational and true to yourself and it is, the world is objectively sad to all people in some amount, but to all; but the feeling to overcome and survive is also very part of our existence. The wish to become better and helpful and complete make life livable I think. Sadness would win if we couldn’t have this pole of emotions and development. And to this I wonder, what would life be if we couldn’t die

A nightmare I think, pure thinking I think, we wouldnt be persons we would be thinking, and due to the fact our consciousness is attatched to chemical reactions, and there is no matter, we would literally be our own souls filled with I don’t know why

What emotions wouldn’t exist? Wrath, envy, maybe Yes, but around what we would feel envy or wrath?

[chillviaplath]

Ok so this is long and complicated. First off my bff recently broke up with her bf of about 6 months (they've known eachother longer than that) and he was her first bf and she broke up with him bc he was kinda controlling and clingy (he said that any thing that didn't go to her knees was too short and cut all ties to any female friends and wanted her to do the same). (1 of 4 i think)

She broke up with him and now he won't stop talking about how she was his only love and he will always love her and that if she ever wants to get back together they can (she wont) and how he doesn't know how he'll live without her.And I'm friends with him so I've been trying to help him get over it.Bc come on yes she is amazing but she is not 'the one'. i finally got him out of bed.Yay! So I'm wondering how can I support both of them without them getting pissed at me for helping the other?(1/2)Now on to my other issue! Lol. Btw feel free to not answer these if im asking too much. So another friend of mine also recently broke up with her bf bc he wants to focus on his studies/sport. And her bff apparently got the hots for him and i love them both to death and ik that it is wrong for her to pursue him since he is her bff's ex but i HATE seeing them hate eachother bc they have always been so close. So is there anyway i could help them not hate eachother? I lied last part-Whoa, that sounds super overwhelming. To start, I want you to take a deep breath, and I need you to know that it is not in any way your responsibility to fix any of your friend’s problems. It’s wonderful that you want to help them, but please remember to take care of yourself in the process. All of this seems incredibly stressful.I think your friend was right to break up with the controlling boyfriend. It sounds like he’s very manipulative and could very easily have turned it into an abusive relationship. He’s kind of doing that now by saying that he can’t live without her. None of his behavior is normal or healthy. In his case, I would tell someone. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but you sound kind of young, so maybe tell his parents or a teacher or counselor you trust what’s going on with him because honestly you can be there to support him, but his stuff isn’t anything you can really fix. He has a lot of work to do. As far as supporting both friends and hoping neither gets mad about it, I think the best way for you to do that is to be as impartial as possible. Be there for them, but don’t get too involved. Ask them not to talk bad about the other around you so you don’t find yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Explain to them that you value both friendships and they’ll hopefully be understanding. And I know it’s not really my place, but maybe evaluate your friendship with the controlling one, and be careful. With the friends hating each other, you can try to help them see reason, but for the most part I think they just have to work it out or not work it out on their own. Hopefully it’ll just be a small thing that will pass and they’ll be friends again, but if it isn’t, that’s okay too. Sometimes we lose or grow apart or have to cut off friends and that’s okay too. I’d say also try to be impartial there as well if you want to stay friends with both and don’t let them talk bad about each other in front of you so you don’t get too involved. I hope everything works out okay and that this helps a little bit xx

[ilikelookingatthings]

Akatsuki no Yona 196: comment from youtube I wrote and liked

I don't personally think Il taking yon-hi to the temple to get the blessing by the high priest was a back stab. while its true Il knew his brother wasn't a fan of the headpriests or going to the temple and that he was taking her before yoo-hon came back, It felt more like a attempt to share something he cared about. 

just not done in the right way. like how yu-hon wanted Il to come hang out with him and we know yu-hon cared about Il but it clearly came out as scolding and like yu-hon was looking down on Il like everyone else. Yu-hon was the crowned prince and would hypothetically HAVE to work in close contact with the priests once he became the king and Yon-hi was a commoner being married into the family. It makes sense that Il would try to bring yon-hi to the priests o get the blessing for the marriage because prince Il wanted yon-hi to be fully accepted without easy targets people could use against her as well as his big brother and try to use that as a babystep to get his brother to realize the priests aren't bad. of course we know that plan went up shits creek once yu-hon returned and the priests figured out her identity on site.

 Though it does have a strong parallel not because of the 'backstab' part but because of the misunderstanding part and terrible communication. Il and yu-hon were dealing with Il making assumptions about his brothers motive over a perceived betrayal(yu-hon hiding the identity or in this case killing kaashi) and yu-hon not given aot of time to properly explain but then lashing at Il in anger. 

 YOUR FACE XD I could tell immediately when you got to the stabbing panel! even before you started calling Il a piece if shit XD

 though I would say when has yu-hon stood up for Il? We know Yu-hon cares about his brother and felt anger at people already being depressed about Il being the king and expressed to yon-hi and soo-won that he wants to support his younger brother and rally the kingdom around Il.

 WE understandably know that because Kaashi heard this in private. But Yu-hon even when he first met Yon-hi let people talk shit about his brother andeven said he can;t blame them because he gets angry and irritated with his brother as well and says the same stuff. Yu-hon admited to that. He never told Il how important Il was to him strait up or what he admires in Il TO Il himself. 

Yon-hi was honest and said what she admired in Il but yu-hon never corrected the lady's opinions or said to anyone else why yon-hi made a impression on him. Yu-hon got angry at people for not cheering for his brother and he sad mundeok was the only one who cheered by it was never stated if Yu-Hon cheered himself. Yu-hon is well liked by everyone so if he cheered wouldn't the others have tried joining in or something?

 Il is still a piece of shit for stabbing his brother in the back of course but did Il really start this? Il was a jerk when he found out her identity and got the proper punch he deserved but yu-hon did hide her identity for what Il saw was no reason and Il had meant well when bringing yon-hi to the priests. its not like yu-hon doesn't believe in the religion.

 he just doesnt like bowing to the head priests. Yu-hon burned all the temples and priests alive women and children included just because the head priests visited yon-hi's family. admittedly I was sketched out and assuming the worsts of the priests but thy hadn't done anything that deserved all of them set on fire. and the more we got to know kaashi and ik-soo(yoon's priest) the more I'm convinced the head priest was actually a genuinely good person. 

 1.  Its confirmed from the last chapter that kaashi's powers are real. we know ik'soo's power was real and he can hear the voice of the gods and kaashi stated the priest also understood her powers. and they all recognized yon-hi' blood and yona's. Kaashi was kind to yon-hi from the get go when they first met. she also literally almost died by flame and watched important people to her and her job burned, yet she was the one who outed her identity to yon-hi after that years later. trusting yon-hi and not holding a grudge. letting yona and soo-won play. telling yon-hi about yona's identity and her powers and comforting yon-hi.

 telling yon-hi that she just needs ti be happy and live her life and thats enough meaning as in the end yon-hi and yona are just none powered humans and kaashi expressed she wanted to talk more for yonhi. also worried about her health. Kaashhi more than anyone would have the right to hold a grudge against yon-hi and her family for what yu-hon did but instead showed kindness to yon-hi that even Il noticed and really appreciated that yon-hi has been there for kaashi. 

 2. Ik-soo can hear the gods and was driven out as a young child with no one taking care of him where he was so kind and empathetic he gave away jewels and his shoes to strangers to help in anyway he could. and he was kind and helped raise yoon. helped the heros and was understanding toward yona and her group despite the fact her uncle drove him out as burned all the priests and yona's father couldn;t stop him. and king Il hadn;t been a very good king. 

 3. and the things we know the head prist did was visit yon-hi's family. listened to their stories of plight and their short lives and cried for them. grieved for their loved ones. and showed genuine joy that they existed and gave many in the family peace of mind and a fullfillment just from that exchange. making such a positive impact all of yon-hi's family grieved his terrible end and her mom felt so grief strickened she killed herself because they saw him as such a good man. 

Yu-hon burned people who hadn't even known yon-hi's secert and hadn't thought to ask yon-hi or her family what they wanted. and yu-hon didn't think at all how that would affect Il. and yu-hon was praised by the people because they'll judge everything he does as nessacary because they like him and his strength.  

Though Il is a piece of shit because if he is the king...why not send yu-hon to a court and judge him? why stab him and throw him off a cliff? does Il think yu-hon would get away with murdering kaashi like yu-hon got away with killing the priests? Il doesn't gain anything from killing Yu-hon. like yu-hon is the most popular. at least tolerate him for long enough til the country stablizes properly. like Il knows yu-hon has a wife and a kid and killing yu-hon is depriving them of someone they love. inflicting the same pain Il and yona feels from the loss of his wife onto yon-hi and soo-won. was it to protect his brothers reputation and yon-hi and soo-won?

 if yu-hon dies from a 'accident' they wont have to deal with the ramification of the husband/father killing the queen of kouka which is tatamount to treason.

Il's focused motivation is TERRIBLE. Yu-hon is right that Il shouldn't focus on praying to the gods or assuming they'll be safe as long as yona is around because she is the reincarnation of some longdead king and dragons. 

yu-hon is the supirour ruler in that regard because you have to do stuff and act. you can't just wait around praying and it sounds like crazy talk out of Il. Its definitly a reminder that yu-hon was the crown prince and raised the rule and has experience that Il doesn't have. Their father fousing on praying with Il rather than actually training Il and no one helpong il and just scolding himin the past rather than teach him.  especially since yu-hon might have let the wife go unharmed. 

 But on the other hand yu-hon lied about not knowing yon-hi was a priestess. he immediately going into a rant about how kaashi swindled Il and the grandpa with her lies and that she would be the downfall of the kingdom when Il guessed wrong about yu-hon's motivation. whichcame across as yu-hon correcting Il about the motivation behind killing kaashi rather actually denying that he killed her. Il doesn't have the best track record with guessing yu-hon's motivations so it might lean that yu-hon didn't kill kaashi and this was a misunderstanding. 

something I would have believed until yu-hon said that she tricked Il and the grandpa and she would ruin the country. Il reminding us that yu-hon does show no mercy to people he doesn't want to understand(hence the killing of all the priests and the beheading people in the first place). 

and yu-hon did act odd last chapter and talked about his growing hatred for hirryu and saying he'd protect them and with his personality known for looking for a fight. possible resentment that kaashi is connected to those gods who gave yon-hi the short end of the stick. that kaashi was around when yon-hi collapsed.

 yu-hon HAS motivation on multiple fronts. especially since yu-hon would want Il to figure stuff out himself and not with a priest/priestess. if yu-hon though kaashi was a bad influence on his brother which could affect the country I could see yu-hon killing her. or send others to kill her. that or his aim was yona. I WANT to say the Il is assuming wrong and yu-hon wouldn't do that but yu-hon is unpredictable in that regard once he sees someone as a threat to his country or his family. even Yon-hi who knows yu-hon the best focused on the possibility that yu-hon killed kaashi as legit unlike the others who focused on Il talking crazy talk and being bewitched by the priestess and killing his brother in the back rather than focusing that its a real possibility that Il wasn't mistaken about yu-hon being responsible for kaashi's death.

 the yu-hon group talking about the murder feel like the type to focus that even if yu-hon did kill kaashi that it was for the best because yu-hon said she bewitched or fed il and the grandpa falsehoods. Yon-hi seems to believe her husband killing kaashi was pretty possible. Its still heinous for Il to stab his brother in the back and push him off the cliff without what seems like airtight proof of yu-hon killing kaashi but its been a while since the wifes death that Il could have properly investigated  for all we know. 

Il might be a brat but no one would kill their brother unless he had real good evidence that proves what yu-hon did/was responsable for it. Though admittedly Il could have also been out of his right might because not only is he king when he wasnt prepared but his wife died. grief can make people act irrational and yu-hon insulting the dead kaashi by saying she's some con artist probably wasn;t helping yu-hon's case. there would definitly be a extra hint of tradgedy if it turned out yu-hon didn't kill kaashi and it was just bandits or just yu-hon supporters.

 heck I would almost believe they could be spys from other kingdoms. after all killing the queen(though my bet it was aimed for yona who I'm betting kaashi secretly snuck out of the carriage to protect her) would be a huge blow for prince Il who is legendary for not being like yu-hon and who seems to have less confidence in himself. especially after the death of the father and a surprise switch of the heir. that might connect into why soo-won was worried about the other countries seeing kouka kingdom as a good target. 

If it really was just a unfortunate accident this would be tradgic because Il doesn't have faith in his brother  wouldn't hurt him like this. It would play in how both Il and yu-hon are vry very stubborn on changing their minds on stuff. and just how bad yu-hon murdering all those priests had Il lose his faith in him. whats even extra sad is yu-hon was extra happy because Il actually invited him out for a horse ride himself. yon-hi and us know how much yu-hon actually wanted to bond with his brother. 

Yu-hon even wanted his brother to hold a weapon and be more manly. yu-hon got what he wanted in the worst nightmare of ways. 

 god....if only Il was smart enough to keep yu-hon alive. like even if yu-hon did kill kashi the smart thing would be to keep yu-hon alive for the kingdom to protect it and to have help til yu-hon rallys everyone together. Il must have known he wasnt experienced or ready and the smart move would be to have his brother stay alive and support him like how soo-won and yona tolerate eachother being around with the excuse its good for the country(even if personally they care about eachother still). 

but then grieving Il who was thinks his brother killed his wife and it makes sense that he might not be able to tolerate working by the side of his brother who killed his wife. Its like if when soo-won was hiding yona under his cloak by the coast when they et up after the pirate arc and if yona actualy went through with grabbing the sword and killling soo-won.

 it makes sense emotionally if she did that evenif it wouldn;t be smart for her or the kingdom. only yona couldn't bring herself to do it. Il on the other hand stabbed and threw him off the cliff.

 It lines up that Il is very firm in his beliefs that violence is bad, try for peace and out lawing slavery. but he isn't good at figuring out how to actually impliment or get stuff done. mind yo it probably didn;t help that none of the tribes were willing to give him a fair shot other than te windtribe from the very begining. its hard to get styff done when you don't have real support from people after all. and Il of course doesnt have yu-hon's experience and was so traumatized by the amount of people who died that he'd avoid it at all costs.

 Il means well but doesnt take how to impliment it properly. like how he hates weapons and violence which is understandable but he didn't understand the people who trained and wanted to fight to protect the country and that shaming weapons or over protective wasnt going to help his country prosper. just as his over protective nature left yona without many skills to help her once she had o go outside to the point she didn't even know the troubles the fire tribe had with food and terrain. and he killed his own brother. 

no wonder he needed yona to be so safe. if yu-hon had to die than yona has to live.

King Il did at least cry. but  damn... I kindof hope it was a murder plot by a different country to frame yu-hon or something. it does make king Il calling himself a cowardly king himself to take on so many more meanings O.O his dislike of weapons being even stronger as time passed. 

 il saying the royal family all had bad ended to yona. the interpretations where Il is just a stone cold jerk and doesn't like soo-won and stuff and is childish with yu-hon. but then if we remember that Il IS a naturally kind hearted, sensitive person who hates violence and will be kind even to commoners and admit his wrongs is real. this is the guy who made yona homemade soup himself when she got sick while he was dealing with work. who yona clearly saw was grieving kaashi. the man who decided to never marry again after kaashi died.

 he is someone mundeok believed in. yu-hon was happy that yon-hi saw the value Il had. and Il had to deal with being belittled by everyone and knowing no one wants him as king but he still carried himself with dignity. Il didn't brush aside that his brother killed many people in te kouka kingdom even though everyone else did and it would have been easy. and Il threw himself in fire to save even one person even though it was against his brothers choice. and Il had no reason to believe he'd get anything out of that. 

 I definitely don't want to say Il didn;t love kaashi. heck kaashi was the one to ask for the marriage because she wanted to have the red haired baby so even if it did start out with both Il and kaashi motivated to give birth to the reincarnation theres nothing inherently evil about that. though it would be a tradgedy if kaashi never realized that Il's care for her was genuine and not just about the baby. the dude never married again. but its definitely easy to want to judge Il from that he was bad all over and was in a loveless marriage cuz I'm angry at him.... but then it IS possible the marriage was more of a friendship than complete smitten love. considering that marriages being based on love is a fairly modern concept and before it was about companionship, politics or just making babies.

 I just wonder if Il felt guilt and responsible for what happened to the priests. after all it was his own BROTHER who killed them all and tried to kill kaashi. the head priest only found out about yon-hi because Il was excited to get yon-hi accepted and approved by the church(because the church is intertwined with royalty and it would help her to have one less thing for people to judge her on and it could have been used to get his brother to start fixing the relationship he has with the priests since they should have been working closely in the future).

 If il hadn't taken her than they wouldn't have found out her identity(or at least it might have taken longer because kaashi might have taken her) and then they wouldn't have visited her family which triggered the massacure. Il could very well blame himself especially if it was the first taste of how brutal and merciless his brother could be and that Il was spared from death and just told not to tell anyone yon-hi's secert. How would you feel being married to someone who your brother tried to kill? that she has to hide her identity. she has a giant burn. she mght get targeted if she gets found out by your brother and you knows she doesnt love you. like I'd almost wonder if Il married her as a way to take responsibility. 

kaashi clearly looks traumatized from the incident compared to her original cheerful self. yona we know has felt guilt and bad for the affects her her father being a weak king and felt some responsibility for what her uncle did. it would be interesting if Il felt the same way in regards to his brother. 

 I'm just curious about yu-hon's wish to take over the entire contient. conquer the other countries. lik regaining the strength to stay their own kingdom is good and regain lands they lost makes sense. to maybe get stronger to protect themselves from possible attack makes sense fr future soo-won. but finding out yu-hon might have wanted to take over everything hits odd since we've seen how to feels to be invaded by kulbo before.

 and  how the 2 princess sisters' country felt like with the threat of soo-won coming to battle them. It does have me wondering that if soo-won increases the borders of the country with the dragons be able to stay strong even when they are outside the normal borders? 

gots really interestin to see you react impressed with wise soo-won. most people i've seenreact to it get the heebie jeebies. on one hand soo-won is smart like his dad. on the other his dad is the type of man who set people on fire, and killed woman, children and cut off heads and alot of problems could have been avoided if yu-hon hadn't killed all the priests and thought of a non set people of fire solution. like if everyone agreed the priests over stepped there must have been other options. like askingyon-hi and her parents what they waned to do rather than deciding on his own. 

 yu-hon seems like a normal guy who is likable and who we can support and then you remember he killed people in cold blood before. sure he had reasons but yu-hon was unaffected and unapologetic. so soo-won being super smart is great but it feels unnatural for a child to seperate his emotions like that. though admittedly we know he does have vivid personal rage from his expression there. and we saw when he did actually murder king Il that soo-won talked about waiting years for that day and hisface was cold and unfeeling and soo-won was prepared to catch yona and kill her for real. so his rage feelings are vivid and real. even if he acts cool and collected. and he did assume his mom would want Il to die as well. not considering the answer might be different. and he has been trying to act strong for his mom even though he is only nine.

 though as impressing as soo-won is I am enraged because all those guys and men told Soo-won a NINE year old about his father being murdered and let soo-won dig up his fathers grave to check if the wound matched even though kyke-sook could have reported the wound and story before yu-hon was buried. like they didn't tel yon-hi. the adult and wife of yu-hon. they told a CHILD and got him involved on figuring out if the information was true.

 like its great soo-won can keephis head and impression them with his composure but why type of people are they for getting soo-won involved with checking his dads corpse. even if its smarter because soo-won would be less likly to get in trouble for desecrating the grave... whose bright idea was to let him get involved?! O.O soo-won is impressive but there is something unnatural about how easy it is for him to dismiss how yona will be affected if he kills Il. 

Yon-hi was trying o get soo-won to realizing killing Il wasnt the answer by bringing up yona as a motivation to not kill Il like how regular people would react but soo-won brushed it as two different matters entirely. and yon-hi didn't know gow to tell him she didn't want the cycle of violence to continue. we definitly know soo-won's hatred was real as he did choose the killing route rather than kidnapping him or getting him to stand down. and it seems none of the people realized marrying yona was a real option. 

 theres a fascinating parallel because yona has been judging soo-won as the king because he murdered her dad and she has deemed him a good king so she shouldn't interfere with him. in the end Il didn't pass as a good king, soo-won judged and killed him. to soo-won's credit he did wait to see how il would be as king unil he realized if il was allowed to carry on for any longer thy would be too vulnerable to be attacked. hedid give king Il a chance even if that chance was king of rigged because Il wasnt really supported and given advice by others who werent complaining about the polices. the firetribe was out of touch with the peoples struggles for a while for example. 

but even yon-hi knew il needed real help to be a good king. he no longer had yu-hon. kaashi was gone. people who would at least try for him. but on the other hand soo-won did still choose to kill Il on yona's 16th birthday. soo-won had found out yona has feelings for soo-won the day before the murder where he actually got flustered and affected enough to admit he probably couldn't sleep by her side lik he did before after her confession.

 he gave her a beautiful hair pin. complimenting her hair. smiling sweetly at her. and being told about the trust hak has in him as well. and soo-won still killed the dad on her birthday. infront of her. and then was prepared to following kyke-sook's advice to kill yona. compartmentalizing can be okay since thats how he's coping....but theres something scary about it. that yon-hi getting freaked out how dispassionate soo-won was to the fact if soo-won kills il one day it will be yona who will be in pain even though she is a close friend. something that would at least slow people down to hesitate.

 I wonder if soo-won focused on being in business mode and handling the situation instead of letting himself feel. Did you realize that soo-won saying Il and yona are separate matters is a echo of a similar quote from someone else saying the same thing? I wonder about soo-won promises. he tells his mom that he'll replace yu-hon. but soo-won told yona before that he would be a replacement for kaashi/her mother. 

 I've realized that soo-won has a serenity that Il has. Il has a bubbly surface that can be hard to read like the earthtribe noticed when soo-won visited that time. soo-won was able to show those fangs under his own bubbly gentle exterior and have them noticed and respected. I wonder if people just hadn't noticed Il's fangs. soo-won is using his to bring out others strengths in the kingdom to prepare for war. 

I wonder if Il had fangs with his firmness against war and weapons and stuff and people just hadn;t noticed because Il doesn't break his bubbly self often and its not what they see as being better for them. like soo-won's able to win them over by appearing to the want to fight and goods to sell. love your reaction XD It gives so many more layers to interpret the first volume and the stuff il has said when you have this new context. 

[uncloseted]

1. I don't have a degree in psychology, but I have written a 4000 word essay about sociopathy a while back in high school (for the IB), and I used legitimate studies as much as possible from NCBI. And I know that making assumptions about someone's mental health is wrong, but I did once meet one who does meet the symptoms quiet closely. With that being said, "let's just jump into it!"

Anonymous said to effys-closet: 2. First of all, I did feel like Kati's handling of sociopathy was unprofessional. And more so her response to the backlash. She has had credentials, maybe she did cover ASPD briefly but she wasn't qualified in Abnormal Psychology to comment on it. I mean, neither am I, but let's move on. I know that sociopathy isn't a term used for diagnosis, people are diagnosed with ASPD, but I have seen a thing called Hare's Psychopathy Checklist, which does determine whether someone is a psychopath or not. Anonymous said to effys-closet: 3. Most people use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably. Others however think that there is a difference, psychopaths are the ones who are cooler, calmer and more meticulous in their planning, whereas sociopaths can get angry easily and act more impulsively. There is also a thing going around that psychopaths are "born" whereas sociopaths are "made". My essay was based around how much of it is genetic and environmental, and like most things in psychology, it is both. Anonymous said to effys-closet: 4. That being said, it is absolutely possible for cases to be more genetic based or more environmental based, and that is what people would like to differentiate between psychopath and sociopath. Psychopathy and sociopathy fall under the umbrella of ASPD, and until now I used to feel like they were virtually the same thing, but there are people saying that it is still possible for ASPD people to have emotions and empathy and can be cured, idk about that, I personally doubt the cure claim. Anonymous said to effys-closet: 5. The reason being, that people with ASPD have huge underdevelopments in their brains, caused genetically and/or cuz of shitty childhood, and that leaves them with huge deficits in grey matter. I think at reaching adulthood these gaps can't be regrown or filled, cuz there are certain brain developments that only happen in childhood. Compare it with the effects of depression where that does affect the brain but once you're cured of depression you can still reverse those effects. Anonymous said to effys-closet: 6. I think in the case of the Paul brothers, the main person is Greg Paul. You didn't watch the rest of the series, but basically at one point Shane drops the sociopath label and works with Jake to talk about his problems, meaning the thing with Alissa, the Martinez Twins, and all of the complaints people have had against him. He also talks to the people that have beef with him. In the end it's concluded by most people watching that he isn't a sociopath, but more emotionally stunted, cuz of Greg Anonymous said to effys-closet: 7. Jake and Logan's parents were divorced early on, and they had to live with their mom and dad interchangeably from time to time. Their dad had them play football, turn tires and basically attempt to make them "tough" men. From the very beginning they were taught that you shouldn't show your emotions cuz that makes you weak. Even today Greg is pretty controlling of Jake's whole team 10 thing. Jake hasn't been taught how to deal with emotions from the very beginning. He has never known what is Anonymous said to effys-closet: 8. right and wrong, he has always made offensive jokes around his friends and has never known the line. This is why the Martinez Twins felt bullied while he didn't even realise it. His relationship with Erika is currently nice, she seems to be a stabilising force in his life, and is a good influence for him. With her he can be vulnerable, and he trusts her. The reason why it was so hard for him is cuz his trust has been broken time and time again. In Shane's series it seems he wants to change. Anonymous said to effys-closet: 9. I recommend you finish the series cuz it gets better from the one episode with Kati. Now, in the case with Logan, it seems different. I read a book called Confessions of a Sociopath, written by an actual sociopath using a pseudonym. She has several siblings, one of who was a "weak" brother according to her. She had abusive parents, and he was emotionally scarred by it whereas she was indifferent, she never cried during her lashes, occasionally her and her siblings beat the weak brother. Anonymous said to effys-closet: 10. My point is that it is possible for people to have the same parenting (or lack there of) and turn out completely different. One ends up a sociopath the other doesn't. This is probably where the genetics thing comes to play, cuz one sibling has more of a tendency to become a sociopath than the other genetically. When Alissa talked to Shane about how she once slept with Logan, she recalls how he was completely indifferent to betraying his brother, in fact he was proud of it, saying... Anonymous said to effys-closet: 11. "I'm a maverick, I'm savage". He didn't give a damn about breaking his brother's trust. When Alissa came on a song with him and said she didn't want it to be uploaded later, he said that she signed the contract so she can't get out of it, and he will upload it anyway. The suicide forest video, the way he treated the tasered rat and took a fish out of water to give CPR, he threw a prank on his fans of him being shot in his house, with fake blood and everything. Ik we're not supposed to assume Anonymous said to effys-closet: 12. but my brain can't help but reach to the conclusion that Logan is the sociopath, or has ASPD. There's also a thing called conduct disorder, which applies to kids and teens, basically the symptoms include manipulative behaviour, rage, impulsiveness, similar to sociopathy, but not necessarily. Kids with conduct disorder can have other disorders when they grow up, they don't have to have a lack of empathy, they can have ADHD. But diagnostically, in the US, you can only be diagnosed with ASPD if Anonymous said to effys-closet: 13. they have a diagnosis of conduct disorder in childhood. That's not necessary in Europe. So, a sociopath could not be diagnosed with ASPD in Europe, move to America and not be diagnosed with ASPD in adulthood, cuz they don't have a conduct disorder diagnosis. Now, about the whole controversy of kati vilifying sociopathy, I kinda disagree with most people. I do think that the whole idea of sociopaths being all serial killers needs to be debunked, most sociopaths actually function in society. Anonymous said to effys-closet: 14. Psychopaths even do well in business and politics cuz they have the manipulation skills, and the willingness to exploit. I myself have had issues with mental health, I hate the stigma, but to say that "not all sociopaths and ASPD people are bad" kind of goes against the definition. I have even seen someone say that some sociopaths they've met want to cure themselves and one had even succeeded. Well, again I doubt the cure claim cuz it's a significant amount of brain damage to be reversed... Anonymous said to effys-closet: 15. And also, why would you want to get cured if you're a sociopath? They tend to see emotions and empathy as a weakness, and they get the most ahead with their manipulation in life, they have fun in exploiting people. Why would they wanna cure themselves? Now, I do feel some empathy for sociopaths cuz it's not their fault they are the way they are, but still, they are bad people, why would we wanna be around them and have things to lose? Again, I do still feel Kati's approach was unprofessional Anonymous said to effys-closet: 16. But I'm just not on board with the whole mental health stigma thing being applied to sociopaths. I don't want there to be a stigma that all sociopaths are criminals or serial killers, but if the key of sociopathy is to lack empathy, and if you do have empathy then you're not a sociopath. That being said, I'm in no way an expert, I took psych in high school, and am in my 2nd gap year with no direction in life. I wrote an essay and that's where my credentials end. That's it from me. Bye!

Okay so this is maybe the longest ask I’ve ever gotten which is super exciting for me.  But also bear with me if my answer is a bit disjointed to try and respond to it all. 

Before I get into the meat of my answer, I think I should say two things.  First, I really don’t care all that much about this series or about Jake Paul.  I’m happy to answer questions about it but I think the entire thing boils down to nonsense and we shouldn’t be giving Jake Paul our attention.

I also think this entire conversation is the blind leading the blind.  You with your 4000 word essay one time in high school, me with my master’s degree, Kati Morton with her MFT degree… none of us are really qualified to talk about this since we don’t work in the field of ASPD research, diagnosis, or treatment. So I don’t know how productive this conversation can really be.  Like much of medicine and especially psychiatry, the research moves so quickly that what we thought was true two months ago may not be true now, and so it becomes a lot of “well in my understanding…” and “when I researched this once…” instead of people who can really make definitive statements about this topic.  A lot of the conversation around this has been based on pop-psychology, and I think that benefits no one.  I’ve been doing my best to correct those pop-psychology misconceptions about ASPD on here, but my knowledge is really limited in this area.

Like I said in my response when we talked about this before, sociopathy and psychopathy are not diagnosable conditions and so using them as terms is functionally useless because there’s no agreed-upon criteria for what those words actually mean. ASPD is a clinically separate diagnosis and takes a more nuanced approach to the types of behaviors that one sees in so-called psychopaths and sociopaths.  The Hare’s checklist exists, and that’s about all you can say for it.  There’s a lot of criticism around its usage and again, it’s been rejected by the psychiatric community as a whole and isn’t really used clinically, so it can’t be considered a consensus for how we define “psychopathy”.  The checklist sometimes used in prisons in the US to try and assess how likely it is for a felon to reoffend, but if you know anything about the US prison system, you’ll know it’s not really up to date with the latest and greatest in medical science.  And even within the prison community, it’s efficacy is being questioned.

There are distinctions that people have made between “psychopaths” and “sociopaths”, but again, those words don’t really mean anything from a clinical standpoint and so any distinctions or definitions people assign to them are useless from a practical standpoint because there’s no agreed upon definition for those words.  There isn’t really research focused on those terms and so to draw distinctions like “one is born and the other is made” is, in my opinion, silly.  There is ASPD and the research behind it, and as we learn more about ASPD we learn about the genetic basis for it and how environment impacts peoples’ likelihood of developing it. 

As with many things, ASPD is a spectrum.  It has come out through the research that some people with ASPD do indeed have empathy and emotions, others respond to treatment, and others don’t seem to exhibit empathy, emotions, or respond to intervention.  Many neurological, biological, and psychiatric conditions are like that, so I’m not surprised that it’s like that in this case as well.  Depending on the severity of the case, people with ASPD may not have the ability to recover.  Depression is similar; in mild to moderate depression, you can sometimes see reversal of neurological changes, but in severe depression, those neurological changes are permanent to the brain structure.

It is not true that a diagnosis of ASPD requires a diagnosis of conduct disorder in childhood.  It requires that the individual have exhibited conduct problems by the age of 15, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that all individuals with ASPD were diagnosed with Conduct Disorder or vice versa.  Conduct Disorder is a diagnosable condition with its own set of criteria; “conduct problems” is a generalized symptom.  Statistics are hard to come by, but it seems that only 25-40% of children with conduct disorder are later diagnosed with ASPD.The idea that “psychopaths do well in business” is pop psychology more than anything else, but I think it’s correct that not all people with ASPD are bad.  They’re people who were predisposed to an illness who had the bad luck of being put in an environment that brought it out in them.  I think there’s a limit to how culpable they are, and I think that some people with ASPD do realize that there’s something wrong and seek treatment.  The idea that “some sociopaths want to cure themselves and one even succeeded!” is again pop psychology and taking a very un-nuanced approach to the disorder.  ASPD is a spectrum.  It’s not as cut and dry as “no emotions/empathy” or “emotions!”, and that’s not part of the clinical criteria for having ASPD. In fact, criteria that included remorse, guilt, or empathy have been removed from the DSM in the fifth edition because it was felt that that criteria was too subjective; now it focuses primarily on observable behaviors.  Some patients do find ways to lessen the severity of their symptoms.  Because it’s a small population to begin with and many of the population who are studied are in prison, it’s hard to make generalizations about what percentage of the population with ASPD that might be, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. 

As far as the Jake Paul series goes, I didn’t watch the rest of the series and I don’t plan to.  As I said before, I’m uninterested in the Paul brothers and don’t think they deserve my time or attention.  I think it does sound likely that Jake’s upbringing and environment contributed to making him who he is today.  But that is true for everyone, and true for people who grew up in much worse situations than he did.  The divorce of parents and being forced to play football and encouraged to be “more of a man” is not exactly trauma inducing for the average person.  It seems that there are genetic factors involved in ASPD and other psychiatric diagnoses, so it makes sense that some people in a particular environment develop psychiatric conditions and others do not. But that ultimately doesn’t excuse his behavior nor does it make him a particularly sympathetic character in my eyes.  There is always an opportunity for people to seek help and better themselves, and he seems profoundly uninterested in doing either.

TL;DR: The terms “psychopath” and “sociopath” are functionally useless and we should stop using them, and everyone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about (myself included) should stop feeding this discussion.

[top5internetsourcesforhighs-blog]

'The Abortion'

' give and Fran atomic number 18 2 high drill students who interpret themselves in a deep predicament. every(prenominal)ow and Fran build been acquittance give a centering for the last deuce years and hand been stirual holdly over the early(prenominal) year. bingle wickedness leave behind go over Frans tolerate and there is sock champion home. They twain start to commove intimate with every(prenominal) other provided now give realizes he has no condom. He channels Fran she testament non shake expectant and e actuallything leave behind be all secure. They comport sexual coitus and they both concord it was the best sex they ever had. unfortunately, trinity weeks later Fran realizes that she is pregnant. ordain and Fran make up ones mind non to govern their p argonnts and hairgrip the side on their avow. They stomach to decide on whatever to concord the dish out or permit an stillbirth. Fran does non indispensability to permit that on her scruples so her purpose is to defy the small fry. impart s p arnts impart bulge him if they find out he is a sire at the eon of 17. lead affirm persisted and trying to shake Fran that it is a grim idea beca hire they are so puppy corresponding and plundert raise a scotch the way she would like to. It took two and a half(a) months, only if bequeaths effort paid off. Fran had the spontaneous miscarriage for give and afterwardward the procedure, everything was fine sensible that mentally she was s get byd for sprightliness. \n\nII- \nAgent- concisely exposit as some(a)one who has, is, or impart act. In this teddy the agents are volition and Fran. forget is an agent ascribable to that he is performing on Fran to hurt the abortion because he does non desire to get in trouble with his parents and they are non amenable enough to handle a mar at such(prenominal) a youthful age. Fran act is qualification Will miscellanea her closing to concur the abortion and real par victorious in the procedure. \nPatients- Is essentially delimit as who or what is unnatural. In this detail reference everyone involved is a patient. Will and Fran are bear upon because if they do non arouse the abortion they devour to raise a deflower at a very young age. If they allow the abortion, they slang to muddle with the babys dummy of kill an exonerated world world. The parents are affected even though they do not make out more or less(predicate) it because if they do be switch the baby they allow for be grandparents and live more responsibilities to process take tuition of him. If Will and Fran do not chip in the baby, the parents impart withstand to hired man with their small fryren turned on(p) status not even subtile whats victimize with them because their kidskinren squirt not tell them. The baby is affected the most, even though he has no say in the purpose reservation process. The baby get out not hand any contingency to brio his life because Will and Fran are afraid of the consequences of tutelage him/her. \nActs- in brief exposit is what is existence through. In this specific lesson the act being done is Fran having the abortion and the killing of an spare child. \nCondition - Is fundamentally the tell apart of the patients. Will and Fran are going to be in an emotional enjoin of distress because they feel came up with the decision to kill the child Fran was holding. The parents condition energy be harmed as good because they will get answer their child in their time of necessitate without knowing what is really bothering them. The babys state is disappointment. He was excited to pass into a saucily world but his counterparts unfortunately were not. \n checktle - basically decides the outcome. The settle in this study are Will and Fran. They both had the decision to both take place the baby and circulate with their consequences or having a n abortion and try to pull up stakes close to it. The decision they make was to fuddle the abortion and fundamentally take the leisurely way out, although they will have to hump with the built in bed emotionally. \n\nIII- \nCongnitivism - Asks the heading is there honourable association and loyalty? With this specific situation the question of moral integrity is whether or not they should have the abortion. The outcome is that they did have an abortion and they did not find any moral knowledge or truth with their decision. \nNaturalism - before long describe as the order heads stack be warrant by dint of a method that parallels procedures in disciplines. Will and Fran make their judgment not with moral time lever but with the set of themselves in mind. \nIntuitionism- Views value properties as contrary the factual properties to which naturalists appeal. \nWill and Fran viewed their values of having an abortion decided that it was impairment but they both felt l ike they had no filling but to have the abortion. \nNoncognitivism - Basically covers a wide physique of theories. Some theories that Will and Fran went through was if they did have the baby their parents office not encourage take business concern of them and their lifes would be accustomed to every bite of the childs life. Yet, if they had the abortion their worries would be all but gone. \nEmotivism- short described moral philosophy exist of a set of desires rather than a set of lawful or senseless statements. The ethics consisted in this bailiwick is when not whether it is morally right or rail at because they both know it is wrong, but to do what is in their own self-concern. \nPrescriptivism- Briefly described is the foundations of normative ethics as well as value judgments. The foundation of this reason is the consequences of right and wrong and which decision will be soften for them not thought process of no one else. \n\nIV- \nA) Values - Briefly described as emergence of demand. The emergences of needs in this shield are whether or not they can handle the responsibilities of having and winning care of their baby. \nIntrinsic- Briefly described as important state of being. In this particular content, I do not break any intrinsic values. Health, honesty, responsibility, clear conscience are defiently some that are not in this case. Will and Fran show none of these characteristics in and after their decision making process. \nExtrinsic- Defined as action at law of affair. The activity here is having the abortion. One extrinsic value used in this case is credence. Will uses his opinion to persuade Fran to have the opinion of having the abortion. \nB) Rules- Basically defined as guidelines for thought and playing. The guidelines that Will and Fran use for specifying and acting are how their lives will change completely if they have the baby and how their emotional state of being will be if they have the abortion. \nGeneral- T he general figure here is how Will and Fran will go have an abortion and kill and acquitted human being just to protect themselves against any extra pain. \nSpecific- The specific rein here is do not kill. \nUnfortunately Will and Fran went through with the abortion and kill the child that Fran was carrying. \nC) Facts- Basically defined as reality. The reality in this specific case is how Will and Fran moldinessiness go threw an abortion because they had unprotected sex. The must(prenominal) face the consequences whether it be emotionally and forciblely. \nSituation- The situation in this case is Will and Fran having the abortion not to puddle any provided stress and not having the responsibility of taking care a of a child for the rest of their lives. \nContext- The mount here has to deal with having a baby and caring to all its needs or living with the quilt of killing an innocent human being. \n\nV- \nThe judgment is this specific case is a self-interest judgment. The reasoning for this is because Will and Fran had the abortion for themselves, to live their teens and early 20s with as much freedom as they want. Without the saddle of taking care of a baby that was not think for. They did not think about what their parents cleverness say or think or anyone else. Will and Fran just thought about themselves and their own self-interest, not at all thinking about the baby Fran was carrying. They made the decision to have the abortion and although they are not physical dealing with the consequences of taking care of the baby, they must deal with it emotionally that they took a life away that could of done anything. If you want to get a wide-eyed essay, order it on our website: Looking for a place to buy a cheap paper online? Buy Paper Cheap - Premium quality cheap essays and affordable papers online. Buy cheap, high quality papers to impress your professors and pass your exams. Do it online right no w! '

[eveningescapades]

Heads up, this is the longest post ever. I don’t normally write on here but I am going through a really difficult time right now and I feel the need to share it. I don’t want everyone in my daily life to know, so I figured tumblr is the next best thing, right? Anyways, if you do read this and you know who I am IRL/the person I am talking about, please be gentle. This is not something I am choosing to share with everyone. 

This past Tuesday I went to court to testify as a witness in a case against my old camp counselor, who I will refer to as S. 5 years ago I was a fifteen year old girl struggling with bulimia and depression. At this theater camp, I became very close with my director S. He was the first adult I confided in about my bulimia. We texted constantly. He was 34, with a wife and daughter. At the time, I never thought anything was wrong about our friendship. I viewed him as a mentor, someone I looked up to and enjoyed talking to.

I didn’t recognize the signs of him grooming me to depend on him, to confide only in him. I introduced him to my best friend. When camp ended, I continued to see him. He wrote me a long, four page letter. He bought me books. He confided in me about his relationship problems, and often acted as if he was my age, to the point that I saw him as my age. 

And then he bought me and my best friend alcohol. I don’t remember if he offered, or if I asked, and either way it doesn’t matter. He should have known better. He should have set boundaries. Really, he shouldn’t have met me at all when camp ended. He certainly shouldn’t have seen me four times in about two weeks. But he did, because he wanted something from me, even if he didn’t know what that was. After he bought us alcohol, my friend and I proceeded to drink it on our own. I had never had hard liquor before-- I blacked out and vomited everywhere, my friend had to take care of me, it was a mess. But I didn’t know what binge drinking or BAC level or health drinking looked ike, so I thought what I experienced was normal and okay, and S didn’t dissuade me. Instead, he talked about how fun it would be if we drank together, and asked me if I wanted to. He made it seem appropriate and the next day he picked me up and drove us somewhere to drink. I’m going to pull the next part from my victim impact statement that I had to write for court, despite the fact that the judge never read it because the jury voted “not guilty”.

“The details of that day are blurry, but they have impacted my psyche ever since. I remember getting into a car with him, and he showed me the vodka and mixers that he had. We drove somewhere that was near a small wooded area. I still don’t know where he took me—I wasn’t paying attention to where we were going. When he parked, we started drinking. I didn’t even think about the fact that he would have to drive after we drank. In retrospect, I feel that S used my desire to drink and naivety to get close to me and take advantage of me. If he had not impaired my judgment with alcohol, I would have sensed that I was in a dangerous and uncomfortable situation. Instead, I ended up at his house, over 30 minutes away, on his bed, with him on top of me. For years I blamed myself. I thought that it was my own fault for blurring the lines in our friendship by agreeing to drink with him. I thought that what he did was an accident or mistake, that I had somehow enticed him into kissing me. Now I know that he probably was planning it the whole time, and used alcohol to speed up the process.

While no physical harm was done to me, I cannot forget the way it felt to have his body press me down against the mattress. I felt powerless, and small, and confused. I felt dirty because I was in his bed, the one he shared with his wife, one room over from his daughter’s bedroom. I barely remember what happened, I just know that I didn’t kiss him back and eventually he stopped and got off me and started apologizing. I asked to go home and he took me. I still don’t know why he took me home, because he could have done anything to me. I wouldn’t have remembered. 

For a long time, I pretended that what happened to me was okay. I told myself it was an accident, that he didn’t mean it, that I probably overreacted. Despite this, I could not bring myself to think about what happened. I blocked it out, ended the friendship, and never told anyone about it. I moved on, or at least I tried to. I got a boyfriend six months later. I remember telling him in a moment of intimacy what happened, and feeling devastated at his anger. Although it was directed at S, I felt like it was directed at me because in my mind, I was responsible for what happened. I was the girl who had put herself in that situation by consenting to drink with an adult man. Never mind that that man suggested it, that he was an adult who should have known better, that he had been my camp counselor and one of my closest confidantes that summer. It wasn’t until I was watching Juno for psych class my senior year of high school, nearly three years later, that seeds of doubt formed in my mind. The father in Juno reminded me vividly of S- childlike, up close and personal with a young teenage girl who had not asked to be viewed that way. Unlike me, Juno refused to stand for it. Unlike Juno, I was unable to get past that moment of frozen confusion, where S kissed me on his bed.

I chose to go to court because I have not been able to forget that day I drank with S. For so many years I have tried to forget what happened because I was ashamed and guilty. I thought that it wasn’t that big of a deal, because it’s not like he raped me—he even apologized after. I blamed what happened on the alcohol. I didn’t even think about the danger he put both of our lives in when driving around drunk.” 

Well, no more. I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore. Every time I have to see people from camp, every time I have had to lie to my friends and family about phone calls and missing work because I was meeting with lawyers and going to court is time that I regret losing over you. I sincerely hope that seeing me in court on Tuesday made you think twice about your actions. 

It’s not fair that we live in a country where criminal cases are so impossible to win. Burden of proof is on the accuser, reasonable doubt, blah blah blah. Because of these rules, my court case didn’t get to be about you violating my trust and my body. It was over two counts of furnishing alcohol to minors. And even then, you were determined to win! You lied to my face and everyone in the court and said that you never bought me alcohol. Liar. You let your lawyer make me out to be mentally unstable, told everyone about my ED and self-harm, things that I never think about or talk about anymore because that’s not who I am. And the fucked up thing is, it fucking worked. Because I couldn’t remember the details of what your car, FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO, looked like. Because I couldn’t remember that you bought me a smoothie, if you drove me home or I walked. Small details that created reasonable doubt, and so you got away with a “not guilty”. I have spent THE ENTIRETY OF MY LAST TWO YEARS OF UNDERGRAD waiting for this moment. I just wanted to have the validation of winning. 

I know that my decision to pursue legal action against you has made a difference. I know you can’t step foot on the grounds of our camp again. You can’t teach. The Dept of Education wants you to give up your license again, and if you refuse, they will come at you with a civil case. But it feels like too little too late for me. I feel like I have suffered so much and it’s for nothing. The only good thing coming out of this “not guilty” sentence is that I am finally, finally angry. I felt so guilty and ashamed and uncomfortable in my own skin for so long that I didn’t realize I had the right to be angry. Why me?? Why did you decide to target me? I will never understand why you couldn’t keep things appropriate. You have a DAUGHTER. How would you feel if someone did that to her? You were a TEACHER. A COUNSELOR. A MENTOR. None of those roles should have suggested that it was ok to get someone half your age drunk and then make a move on them. Sometimes, I almost wish you had raped me. I know that’s fucked up, but I would have known how to define what you did to me as clearly, identifiably wrong. Instead, for so long I lived in this grey area where I believed I was to blame. I have continued to freeze up in situations where I felt uncomfortable. Last summer I was raped. I was in an unsafe situation, that I could have left, but I just froze. This physical response that has stayed in my body since you touched me. Last semester I had a panic attack in class during a class activity that triggered my memories of you. And now I have to move on with my life and act like the past five years of trauma and pain are suddenly ok because I did everything within my power to right the wrong you did to me and it wasn’t enough. 

I don’t know what would be. I honestly feel so alone, even with all my family and friends. I know this feeling will get better, and eventually I’ll be in a place where I am ready to work through this bullshit. But first I have to figure out a way to not be so fucking angry all the time with how things turned out. 

For those of you who read this- thank you. I just want to be heard in a safe space and feel validated.