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friendlytrees · 5 years ago

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Stay Here With Me

sebastian stan x reader

summary: you decided to clear your head and take a walk, but someone unexpected crosses paths with you.

warnings: swearing

mountains of paint are scattered all over different cardboard boxes. you take a chunck of the red and smear it on the canvas in front of you like a toddler. As bits if light creep in through your curtains you realize you’ve been painting all day. You get up and look around to see 10 awful and terrifying paintings staring back at you. Although this was a great stress reliever, it wasn't going to help you get over what had happened.

2 weeks ago you walked into your apartment to find your boyfriend Daniel cheating on you. You knew it wouldn't last, you met him at some douchey college frat party and out of all the boys, he was the “most romantic” when you caught him all you could say was leave.

After this incident your friend introduced you to anger painting. Although very effective it consumed you and it was all you could do. When you finished the 10th painting you decided it was time to get some fresh air. You get in the shower and after you change into a flowy dress and jacket, grab your keys and head out the door. You walked down what seemed like a never ending hall until you made it to the elevator. The elevator dings to signal you to go down and when the door opens, your ex smiles at you holding flowers.

“y/n hey look i wan-“

“no, i cant do this right now” you say as you cut him off. You try to walk to the stairs but he grabs your arm and insists you talk to him

“look what happened was so bad. And im so sorry, but thats in the past and we are in the present and thats what’s important”

“ do you think you’re being romantic “

“ i got you flowers”

you shove him, “ look you’re wasting my time. i have to go” you walk towards the elevator and leave him standing in the hall holding flowers. as the door closes you stare at him as he drops the flowers and crushes them.

after getting out the elevator you try to grab the nearest wall to cling on to so you can calm yourself down. All you could think about were the emotions you felt the night it happened. You catch your breath and eventually head out the front doors of the building. As soon as you walk out you are blinded by the sun. You cover your eyes as you think about how you haven't been outside in days.

while you mindlessly walk you can see the the sun leaking through the orange-ish trees along the road. this is the best thing you’ve done in a while, you have never stopped to take a look at the world around you since college started; in this moment you realized that life was beautiful. As the sun is setting you find yourself at a small park next to a library. your eyes wander to a bench with a very muscular man sitting on it. when you get closer you can eventually make out who it is

“hey, long time no see” you say as you stand right in front of him

he looks up from his book “y/n ? wow you look great” he gets up and goes in for a hug

“what are you doing here Sebastian. i haven't seen you here in so long”

“well i just got back from jersey , i was just here to visit family. then i ran into you.. wow you changed so much.”

“is that a good thing” you say with laughter

“ yes thats a great thing wow,” he goes in for another hug. “ i haven't seen you in 2 years. why didn't you call”

you push him off of you and go to sit on the bench “ i had so much going on i couldn't really make time to call anyone”

“ouch” he says as he sits down.

“ no dont take it personally. college is just stressful”

“thats why i never went” he says as he leans back in the bench

“what have you been doing these past 2 years?”

“ive been working, we dont all have money”

you could tell that was suggested towards you. you had been best friends your entire lives and did everything together, but the only difference between you two was that his family didnt really have much. so, the older he got, the less you saw of him since he was working all the time. And eventually when you moved you didnt see him at all.

you turn to face Sebastian “can we hang out today? i dont really have anything planned”

he turns to face you “ well i was going to sit here and read this book, but i guess i have room to hang out” he smiled and began to laugh. eventually you two got up and started walking in the Manhattan streets. the sun had set. the moon light lit up the almost empty street , which was rare. Sebastian turns to face you and begins to speak

“so where are we going?”

“i thought you knew, i was following you” you say with a confused look on your face

“im kidding” he looks over and points to a corner store “lets go in here”

you both step inside and he goes straight to the liquor. he grabs two large bottles and heads to the register.

“that will be $40”

“here you go”

“thank you, come again”

you both walk out and he hands you one of the brown paper bags. “drink up” he says as he opens his drink”

“you want me to drink,,, while we are walking around Manhattan.”

“yeah why not what could happen” he says as he takes a large swig of liquor

you look at him and decide to give in. “fine, but im only doing this for you”

an hour had passed and you were both wasted walking under the street lights saying god knows what. The only thing you could hear was Sebastian yelling every time he saw a taxi. You end up stopping at one of the lights next to a closed theater.

“hold on i need to stop for a minute i need t-” mid sentence he lets half of his lunch out on the side walk. All you could do was laugh at him while he was doing it. When hes done he sits up and swings around the poll screaming to the top of his lungs “do you want to know something y/n”

“what is it” you say taking the last sip of your alcohol

“i love you”

“what”

“Ive loved you since youve came into my life, you just make me so happy.” he drunkingly makes a heart with his hands and walks closer to you. “I needed to see you y/n, youre part of the reason i came back. I missed your laugh, your jokes, i missed the way you smiled. I need you”

“youre drunk you dont mean that”

“Yes i do” he moves his hands up to your cheeks. “ every time im with you i get this feeling that if something ever happened to you id lose you forever. And i want to make sure you will always be okay. Im not saying this because im drunk y/n, im saying this because i love you”

No words were able to come out of your mouth. All you could do was stand there and stare into those bluish grey eyes. he eventually let your face go and started walking away.

“where are you going?” you say as you try to catch up with him

“i have no idea, but im pretty sure ive just embarrassed myself”

you stop walking “Where were you supposed to stay tonight?”

“i was supposed to stay with my mom but if i come home drunk hes gonna kill me” he stops walking and tilts his head up “i could just buy a hotel for tonight”

“or you could stay at my place” you say. he turns his head over to you and smiles. he sluggishly walks towards you and you guide him to your apartment.

you both find a taxi to take you back since youre too drunk to walk. Once you get there you head through the doors and get in the elevator. the ride up to the 3rd floor of your apartment was filled with silence. Sebastian had kept his distance ever since he told you he loved you. Back on the sidewalk under the street light you regret not telling him right then and there that youve felt the same way.

the elevator doors opened and when you walked out you could see someone near your door. you rushed over to see who it was, and when you knew you were disappointed.

“what the hell are you doing here, leave now!”

“please just let me ta-” your ex takes a pause when he sees Sebastian standing 4 feet away. “who the fuck is this, huh, y/n? who the fuck are you” he starts walking closer to Sebastian and shoves him “who are you”

he looks at you and looks back at your ex “ im her boyfriend”

“no hes no-” you were cut off by your ex who became filled with anger

“oh really, your her boyfriend?” he shoves Sebastian

Sebastian shoves him back “shove me again and i swear”

“you swear what. what are you gonna do”

Sebastian throws a punch at him and then gets tackled. You try to tell them to stop and pull them off of each other, but it wasn't working. Your ex wouldn't stop hitting Sebastian. He couldn't fight back anymore all he could do was take the hits. you run up to Daniel and pull him off of Sebastian before he could do anymore damage.

“what the hell Daniel”

“punk deserved it” he said as he wiped the blood off of his brow.

“leave right now”

“im not going anywhere”

“ leave before i call the police”

he looks at you for a moment, then he leaves.

you run over to Sebastian to make sure he is okay and help him up. You grab your key and open your door. you turn the lights on and take Sebastian to the living room to lay him on the couch.

“hey, im going to grab a rag to clean your face”

“y/n” he pauses to catch his breath “ you never said anything earlier, after i told you”

you sit down on the coffee table in front of the couch so you're facing him. “Sebastian. all this time didn't understand why i felt the way i do around you, you make me feel safe and i can trust you with my life.” Sebastian sits up before you can finish “Sebastian i love you” he leans over to you and kisses you “i love you too y/n”

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan fanfiction #marvel #Marvel x Y/N #Marvel Comics #bucky #bucky fluff #bucky barns imagine #bucky barns x reader #bucky barns fic #bucky barns #fanfiction #fanfic

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oswald-privileges · 6 years ago

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Loudmouth

(I wrote some statement fic. It’s been a heck of a while since I wrote anything for fandom.)

Statement of Ulla Ness, regarding, um... a peculiar transformation. Original statement given March 14th, 1999. Audio recording by Christopher Peake, in an… unprofessional capacity. Statement begins.

I still don’t see why I had to come to you. I know you have an email address, so wouldn’t it have been easier to just scan the form and send it to me? Hell, I would have taken a physical copy sent to me in the post. It would have been slower, but it would have meant I could have stayed at home. But no. I asked, and you just gave me a lot of waffle about how you have ‘strict acquisition policies’, alongside directions that had been copied from google maps. Which I know, because I checked.

It’s not that I’m lazy, you understand, far from it. I used to have what I regarded as quite the active social life. But recently that’s become impossible for me to maintain, for a number of reasons. Which are also the reasons that I’ve come to talk to you.

I used to be quite a religious person. Still am, I suppose. I’m not entirely sure. I was a member of the congregation of Saint Mary’s, a small anglican church in a small, anglican village up in Lincolnshire. Not everybody there was particularly devout, but it wasn’t one of those places where it especially mattered. It was more about the sense of community we had. Catching up with each other after communion on Thursdays, singing in the choir, arranging cake sales or coffee mornings as fundraisers for whatever bit of the building had fallen off now. I’ve been attending since I was little, and more or less grew up with the congregation.

I miss it quite badly, if I’m being honest. I’ve always been the sort to need other people, but I didn’t realise quite how much losing them would affect me. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone and all that, I suppose.

It started with another fundraiser, a jumble sale this time. I had volunteered to help manage the event, so I was in charge of sorting through the items that people had brought in for us to sell. Like I said, not everyone there was strictly devout, and didn’t always take care with what they decided to donate. Some people seemed to use it as more of an excuse to toss legitimate junk in our direction and call it a good deed.

This was definitely the case with Mister Ashley. He attended purely because his mother was too old to walk by herself, and I rather think that she insisted that he stay with her throughout the service. It was definitely at her behest that he took part in any communal activities. She would always announce that he would be happy to run stalls or make tea or some other menial duty, while he sat by her side, stony-faced, and saying nothing at all.

The only time I remember him giving any sort of reaction was when when his mother announced that her Jamie would be happy to donate some of his shop’s excess stock for the jumble sale. I remember, he turned to her with the strangest look on his face. At the time, I thought it was one of badly suppressed outrage. I assumed that she had simply gone a bit too far in volunteering his services; Mister Ashley was a second hand book seller, and owned the Jabberwock Bookshop just off from Memorial Square. It can’t have been all that easy to turn a profit. Thinking back on it now, though, and I wonder if his expression was something sharper than just anger. If it could have been alarmed, almost panicked. But I believe that is likely be nothing more than hindsight colouring my memories. If he had had some way of knowing, had been frightened of something like that which came to pass, then… well. I cannot honestly say I ever truly liked James Ashley, but neither can I believe that he would be as cruel or as cowardly as to not have said or done anything.

As it was, he brought the books to the side room the next day, where I was going through the donations and sorting the sellable items from those things too broken, torn, stained, or just plain unusable. I had just set aside yet another jigsaw- this one with almost two thirds of the pieces obviously missing- when he knocked on the outer door. In spite of the heavy rain, he wasn’t wearing a coat, hat, or boots. He didn’t say a word to me when I opened it, just shouldered his way in, dropped a heavy cardboard box on the floor by the unsorted donations, and walked out again. He did this three more times, leaving the door swinging behind him, letting in strong gusts of wind and rain, and reinscribing a damp trail of rainwater on the carpeted floor. Then he was gone as abruptly as he had arrived.

Ashley had taken better care to protect the books from the rain than himself. The cardboard was soaked through, but the books inside had been wrapped in several layers of plastic sheeting. They were stacked upright, and had been fitted in without any attempt to force too many into a single space. They were all, without exception, worn, faded, and almost completely without interest. Paperback romances long since out of print, old text books, children’s encyclopedias. It was rather a relief, if I’m honest. I could just reach into the boxes, grab a book, give it a flick through, and place it on the “for sale” pile.

I was about halfway through the last box when my fingers brushed something that did not feel at all like paper. It was dense and yielding, and ever so slightly damp. I recoiled, shock and disgust crawling their prickling way up my arm. My fingers looked clean, but the ghost feeling of something sticky still clung to them.

My first thought that it was some nasty practical joke. That Ashley, stung by his mother’s willingness to give away his stock, had put something disgusting in there by way of relieving his feelings. But that would have been ridiculous- he was a grown man, for goodness sakes, not a slighted child. It was more likely that the plastic keeping the books wrapped up had slipped, and allowed the rain to seep in through the sides. That was the more likely explanation.

It seemed as though I was right when I looked into the box properly, and saw nothing there but more books. But when I reached in again, all I felt was rough, dry paper. Confused, I went through the contents more slowly, looking where I placed my hand and at the books I chose.

I didn’t feel it again until the fifth book I picked up, that same almost-damp feeling. It was broad and set in landscape, almost like a sketchbook. It was dense with pages all jammed together- dense and heavy. It flopped bonelessly in my hand, and I needed to support it from underneath before I could read the title.

Hymnal, it read. The gold letters gleamed wetly on the slick cover.

It appeared to be full of sheet music. No titles or lyrics, just scratched staves and notes that meandered up and down the lines as though drunk. The smell that rose from the pages as I turned them was odd and unpleasant. I wondered if the leather binding them hadn’t been properly cured. Those areas of page that weren’t covered in music were full of sketches, but so dense and overlapping that I couldn’t tell what they were supposed to be. And, I realised with an unpleasant start, the cover beneath my hands was warm, as though I was touching a live thing.

Suddenly, I’d had enough. I was sitting here, working myself up over an old, graffitied book for no good reason. I shut the thing hurriedly, and it snapped closed with a heavy slithering of pages. I caught the soft part of my forefinger on one of them, and a tiny bead of scarlet began to well from the wound. The stinging was welcome- it gave me something to focus on, mundane annoyance drowning out the confusion that had been threatening to become fear.

I dropped the book onto the discard pile. I couldn’t sell something like that, that much was obvious. Then I picked it up again, and dashed through the rain to the rubbish bins outside. I tossed it in, and followed it up with as much of the discard pile as I could bag up in one go, burying the thing underneath threadbare scarves, broken plastic dolls, and half used art supplies.

I felt a little better when it was done, but not much. Whatever those hymns were praising, I don’t think it was Our Lord.

The cut on my finger didn’t heal like it should. It stopped bleeding without any trouble, but the edges became raised, reddened and sensitive to the touch. I dabbed at it with antiseptic and did my best to put it out of my mind. I succeeded at first. I had plenty to keep me busy, both at church and at my workplace, and for a day or two, I completely forgot about it.

At least until it opened up again.

I don’t remember what caused it, or if anything caused it at all. Just that I was reaching for something, and there was the feeling of… unpeeling, almost, the cold feeling of fresh air on wet skin. I checked to see if the cut was bleeding again.

Instead of a cut, I found myself looking at a tiny, fully formed mouth.

The raised, reddened edges I had thought were a sign of infection had become minute lips. They were slightly parted, and behind them I could see the tiniest slivers of white. And behind that, a dark space where something wet shifted.

I didn’t look at it for long. Already I was reaching for the first aid kit, hastily covering the cut- the mouth- with a plaster. I was already convincing myself that what I’d just seen was some kind of infection I was too squeamish to look at, and that since I couldn’t feel any pain, I should probably go to the doctors, in case it was nerve damage or something. The impression of having seen a mouth rather than a cut was an unpleasant trick my mind had played on me, and one I didn’t feel like closely examining. I told myself I had imagined it.

I hadn’t, though. I could taste the soft fabric patch on the plaster.

I really did mean to go to the doctors. Mouth or no mouth, whatever was happening to the cut on my finger worried me. I even got as far as making an appointment. But the next day I went into work, and there was an accident involving a slippery patch of floor and a very, very sharp knife that I was carrying at the time. I ended up with a nasty slice parallel with the underside of my ribcage.

This time, it was obvious how quickly it stopped bleeding, how it was practically dry before I even changed the gauze once. How the scabs began to flake before I even touched them, leaving nothing but those raised, reddening edges around the cut itself.

I didn’t go to that doctor’s appointment. I don’t think it would have helped me if I had.

It took longer for the second cut to open, but when it did, I could stand in front of the mirror to properly see the flat, white, human teeth, and the tongue that moved behind them.

It didn’t feel alien. That’s what surprised me most. I was scared, of course I was scared, I was growing new bits, opening up in places that I shouldn’t- but that was just it. It was my body doing this, not some… weird infection or surgery. Whatever was happening, it felt like an extension of myself.

I could move them, I found. Not as consciously as I could my original mouth, the one in its proper position on my face, but sort of like moving a limb after it’s fallen asleep. It took concentration, like I was working through partial numbness. Like I needed to focus to wake them up.

I didn’t spend very long doing that, though. I would realise with a start that what I was doing wasn’t normal, it wasn’t sane. I would pull my shirt back down or re-plaster my finger with a feeling almost like shame. I wasn’t as scared as I should have been, and that in itself was somehow a lot more frightening.

I’m not clumsy. I can’t be, considering the sharp tools I have to handle at work. But I started to accumulate injuries. Innocuous things at first. Paper cuts from the prayer books during mass, scrapes from the edges of the metal benches at work. And then other things. Pushing down a door-handle would lay my palm open as though I’d been struck with a metal ruler. The pressure of my jacket across my shoulders would tear the skin. I woke in bed one morning to discover that the folded sheets around me had left cuts going from my hip to my collar bone.

Every single one of them bled, reddened, and opened.

The mouths started to become restless as their number grew. They tried to chew on the clothes I wore to cover them, and if I didn’t focus, they would let out soft, but audible moans or sighs. I tried to quiet them. I even tried feeding them, though I only did that once. It seemed to help, but the mangled sensation of swallowing with a throat that seemed to be lodged under my right kidney was so disorienting I couldn’t bring myself to do it again.

I hadn’t stopped going out altogether. I left the house less, certainly, but as uncertain and uncomfortable as my changing existence was, I didn’t want to give up the company of other people altogether. I get lonely easily.

So, one Friday, when when there was so little skin left under my clothes and gloves that no new mouths could easily form, I patched my face and neck with gauze, and went to take my place in the choir again.

Nobody really seemed to notice anything different about me. I had all the right stories lined up for when I was asked about what had happened to my face, but almost nobody did. A few condolences, a few jokes, and that was it. People apparently preferred to gossip about the death of Mrs Ashley, and how her James had stopped coming to church now, and how they had known his heart wasn’t in it all along.

It felt awful. There I was, standing in the middle of them, skin to skin almost, with the most fragile disguise imaginable hiding a secret that would ruin their perception of the world for good- and they were too wrapped up in their own smug assurance of their own piety to notice. I offered up a brief prayer for patience, but like all my prayers lately, I don’t think I was offering it to the God whose praises we’d all gathered to sing.

And when we raised our voices together for All Things Bright And Beautiful, and I opened my mouth to join in, and then opened my mouth again, and opened my mouth again, and opened my mouth again- I wasn’t singing praises to that God either.

I didn’t realise that the others had stopped at first. It wasn’t until I glanced to one side, and saw Julie Wright staring at me with her powerless mouth open and unmoving, that I realised I was singing in harmony with myself.

I broke off, suddenly embarrassed and frightened by the way that they were all looking at me. There was something like awe in their expressions, but there was something else there too. Something that shuddered and recoiled. I desperately tried to remember the words I’d been singing, if I had gotten them right. I had the horrible sense that I might have subverted something holy.

Adam Bromley was the one to break the silence.

“Well now. You never told us you were getting private training!”

And just like that, the spell was broken. The unexpressed disgust sank back beneath their faces, and the others took up the idea almost with relief. A beautiful voice, they told me, what trick did they teach me to make it resonate like that? I forced a smile and said something non-committal and when we took up the tune again, I was careful to sing only the words that were on the page in front of me.

My own relief was short-lived. When I got home, I found the skin I had left was being pulled apart by the restless movements of the mouths. Blood stained the underside of my shirt, and I couldn’t stop the moans and hissings any more than I could have controlled a spasm or a muscular tic.

I didn’t sleep that night, and called in sick to work the next day. I lay on the bed, and stared up at the ceiling, trying very hard not to move.

It wasn’t any use. My skin had become so fragile that even getting up and walking to the kitchen caused it to split, the blood barely having time to dry before the wound began to twitch and whisper. All my fascination was gone now, as were all my attempts to ignore what was happening. All I did was lie on the bed, and let myself slowly drown in my own body. I lived like that for a week.

When next Friday evening came, my entire body burst into song.

I writhed and moaned and hummed without will, without choice, throwing out snatches of hymn before discarding them as not what I wanted, not right. And for the first time, the indistinct murmurs and whispers grew louder, began to form words. Prayers that had been chewed out of shape, pleas for more, more mouths, more brothers and sisters, to come out of hiding and join the great curdling of flesh.

This went on for the entire night.

That was when I decided that I needed to do something. I’d let… whatever this was go on for too long, long beyond the point of saving myself. But I wanted to tell someone first. So I dragged myself to my computer, and searched as best I could. It’s difficult to type with only a confusion of tongues.

And that’s where you came in. You aren’t special. You were just the closest place that didn’t either ignore my emails, or reply with not so gentle suggestions that I see a psychologist.

I don’t think I’ll be leaving my home again, once I get back. I doubt I’ll even bother uncovering, although there’s no-one there to see me. For all that I wanted to let someone know, I don’t want to be seen.

The cupboard below the stairs locks from the inside. I can push the key out from underneath the crack in the door.

Whatever is happening to me, I won’t allow it come to fruition.

Post-statement follow-up: There wasn’t anyone under the stairs when I went to check. The lock on cupboard door was broken, and so was the one on the back door. Either Ms Ness was, um… successful in her attempts to… halt her transformation, and a housebreaker with some seriously questionable motives took what was- what was left of her. Or she wasn’t. And her resolve either waned or the situation was, um. Taken out of her hands. Or. Whatever she had instead of hands.

I wasn’t… going to record this. It’s not my job, strictly speaking, but I was reading some of the old statements, and this one just… sort of caught my eye. And I’ve seen the Archivist and some of the others do recordings, and it just looked so… I wanted to try it out. I’ll be taking the tape with me, though. None of the others need to know about this.

#The Magnus Archives #tma #the magnus institute #whoops its all OCs

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totally-tae · 6 years ago

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The Regular

Character: Namjoon x Reader

Genre: fluff, coffee shop!au, slight angst?

Word count: 5k

You’re working in a coffee shop and Namjoon visits frequently.

„Christie, I’m taking my break!“ I announce to my co-worker and start taking of my working apron.

“Alright, see you in a bit!” She replies while fixing another customer their coffee.

Almost naturally my gaze drifts over to a particular corner in our little shop. As usual one of our regulars is sitting over there reading hi….wait a minute! Was he just looking at me?

I stop and continue to fold my apron.

No that can’t be. I must be seeing things.

I make my way over to the staff room, but my gaze still lingers on him. Now he’s reading one of his books again and I can’t help but notice that he looks exhausted. Mostly he’s wearing casual, but still sort of trendy clothes. Today, he’s wearing a simple gray hoodie with unruly hair and jogging pants. It still looks hot though, maybe even more than usual. And no that didn’t mean I tend to look at him more than I should.

I sigh and finally manage to look where I’m actually going.

Whenever he is here, he’s reading, writing or doing something on his laptop. Ever since I noticed him (which had basically been the day I started working here), I told myself I would chat him up someday.

Well, guess who still didn’t gather the courage to do so.

The staff room door falls shut behind me and I lean against it, sighing. I’ve been working here for half a year, what was so hard to start a conversation with someone? Especially someone who is always reading a book you could start a conversation about? Right, being afraid of getting rejected.

He probably wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway. I mean he’s the most charming person ever when he orders his Iced Americano, but he obviously got stuff to do, so I would only bother him.

Having these thoughts, I spent my break eating lunch and checking my social media. When I come back to the counter, I glance at the corner again, but he is gone.

The next few weeks continue as usual, although I notice that our regular is not visiting as often as he used to. And every time he actually shows up, his orders of coffee and the dark circles under his eyes increase.

Today is one of these days and although he is a stranger, I can’t help but feel worried. Just a minute ago he ordered his third coffee, extra strong.

I chew on my lip as I prepare his order. Maybe I should ask him if he’s alright? After I finish making his coffee I take a look at the clock and walk over to Christie who is working with me again today. The shop is rather empty now, so I lean closer to her.

“Hey do you mind if I take my break right now?” I ask her in a muted voice.

She instantly turns and looks at me with huge, twinkling eyes.

“Are you going to talk to him?!” She exclaimed a little too loud for my taste.

“Shhhh!!” I put my hand over her mouth hastily and look around the shop. Phew, it seems like he didn’t hear it.

“I guess?” I shrug as I take my hand from her mouth, while giving her a warning look. “I mean he doesn’t look like he is doing very well, so I thought I’d at least ask him how he’s doing…”

“And you think he’d tell you?” She retorted and I rolled my eyes at her.

“No. But it’s the intention that counts!”

“Not when you want to get into his pants.” She smirked and I swatted at her arm.

“I don’t want to get into his pants!” I denied maybe a little too quickly. I felt heat rising to my cheeks and turned around, heading his way.

“Anyway if you need me, you know where you can find me.” I stated, making my way over to his table.

My feet slowed down as I neared his table. How should I start this conversation? I can’t just show up and ask him if he is stressed out or something. My eyes focused on the book he was holding in his hand.

“The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas?” I read out loud and he lowered his book to look at me.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, right. You know the book?” He asked me and I shook my head.

“No, only read the title out loud.” I admitted and felt the blush creeping up again.

I set his coffee down on the table and sat down on the seat on the opposite side of the table.

“So what is it about?”

“It’s just a short story. There is this town Omelas and everyone living there is happy and living a good life without anything bad happening to them, but then you find out the dark secret of the town’s happiness. There is a child trapped in small, dirty room living in constant fear and pain which somehow is what makes it possible for the rest of townspeople to live their happy, careless lifes.” He explains to me and I raise my eyebrows in surprise.

“That’s heavy.” I frown and he nods, grabbing his coffee and taking a sip.

“It is, but sadly, not so far off from reality.” He says while looking out the window.

“I guess not your favourite book?”

“No, it’s a very good book, but it manages to drag you down a little.”

“Yeah, it does.”

A short moment of silence followed my sentence in which both of us seemed to think about what to say next. Still not daring to address the concerns I had about his wellbeing I spoke up again.

“So, you’re here pretty often? No Wi-Fi at home?” I joked and he chuckled.

“You’re not far off.” He joined my banter while leaning forward. “But no, I just find it easier to concentrate here.”

“Are you sure? With that amount of coffee you’ve been drinking lately, I kind of doubt it.” I managed to change the topic and he sighed.

“What are you, a psychic?” He sighed, nipping at his coffee again. “Just a little more work than usual, nothing special.”

I nodded and started to get up.

“You always seemed to unwind here...and I kind of want this to be your relax zone, so hit me up if you need anything.” I smiled, not sure what I was saying myself. Then I turned around and made my way back to the counter where I sat down the tray I had used to bring him his coffee. After that I rushed back to the staff room to spend the rest of my break hiding from customers, especially one.

After that encounter with our regular I thought about quitting my job and never returning to the shop, but before I could seriously consider doing that, he stopped showing up.

Maybe I really went too far by telling him I want this place to be his relax zone. I mean who says stuff like that?

I groaned and felt like hitting my head against a wall. No, I was not working today, but I was in a book shop, definitely a place where bumping your head against a wall would be inappropriate as well.

When our regular stopped visiting our café I had bought myself a copy of “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas” and he was right, it was an amazing short story. So now I was standing in front of a bunch of Murakami books and couldn’t decide which one I should buy. I only knew that he read something by Murakami once and since he seemed to have great taste in books, I figured I should give the author a shot as well.

“Hey!” I suddenly hear from my right and turn to see our missing customer standing in front me.

“Oh, hey!” I greet him and close the book I was skimming through. “Long time no see.”

Wait, he’s talking to me? So he wasn’t avoiding the shop because of what I said?

“Yeah, life’s been busy, so I had no time to stop by at the shop.” He explains with a guilty smile and I nod.

“That’s good!” I babbled before I could stop myself. “Uhm, you know that nothing bad happened.” I clarified and he chuckled.

“You were worried?” He questioned me in a more serious tone, the smile fading from his face and a frown appearing.

“Kind of. You didn’t look too well the last few times you were at the shop and since you used to come so often it kind of feels like we know each other, you know?” I told him with a more serious look on my face now, too.

“My name is Y/N by the way.” I added quickly when it dawned on me that we never formally introduced ourselves and extended my hand.

“Right, my name is Namjoon.” He replied and shook my hand. Maybe we shook them a little too long and when we realized we both let go awkwardly.

“So uhm…” Namjoon started and looked around the shop. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for a book.” I shrugged and held the one I was holding up. “I thought about getting one from Murakami, but I’m not sure which one.”

Namjoon only nodded when he heard that and took a look at the various books placed in front of us.

“Have you read some of his books already?” He asked and I shook my head.

“Then it’s easy.” He continued and extended his right arm to grab a book from the top shelf. The title read “Almost Transparent Blue”.

“This one is amazing. I read it a while back, but it’s one of my favourites. I’d recommend it to everyone I know.” He elaborated and handed it to me.

“Sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll?” I questioned him and raised a quizzical eyebrow after reading the short description on the back.

He raised his arms in defense.

“You don’t have to buy it, it’s only a recommendation.”

“I guess I’ll give it a shot.” I shrugged and a satisfied grin appeared on his face.

“Good choice.”

We made our way over to the cash point and I paid for the book. Only now I noticed that Namjoon also held a book in his hand, but I couldn’t read the title.

After we finished paying, we exited the shop.

“What are you doing now?” He asked me and I looked at him in surprise. I totally didn’t expect him to ask me that.

“I don’t really have any plans to be honest. What about you?”

“I should get back to work, but I could spare some time for a coffee if you’d like? My treat.”

“Sure! If you really can that is. I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”

“No that’s fine. My job is pretty much like a freelancer at the moment, so don’t worry about it. It’s quite the opposite.” Hearing that made me feel more at ease about it, so we walked over to the nearest coffee shop we could find.

“Let me guess, you’re taking an iced Americano?” Of course I was right, he always orders one in our shop. “Then I’ll take one, too.”

We wait for our drinks and sit down at a cozy little table in the upper floor of the shop. We spent quite some time talking about whatever comes to our minds. Our favourite books, movies, music (a topic he seemed especially passionate about), hobbies and family.

Surprisingly there wasn’t even one moment of awkward silence. When the sun started setting we exited the shop and came to a stop outside the door.

“Wow, it’s getting dark already!” I exclaimed at the rosy view in front of us.

“Shit, you’re right! I’ll better get back to work now.” Namjoon said while scratching his head.

“Oh, sure, sorry I took up so much of your time.”

“No need to apologize for that. It was nice to get my thoughts off from work for a while.”

We exchanged phone numbers before we parted ways and I took the subway to get home.

The following weeks Namjoon was still busy and didn’t visit the shop very often, but after our encounter at the book shop we texted nearly every day. Christie was already teasing me about it constantly, but I brushed her off.

Until Namjoon invited me to a party.

“Come on Christie! I can’t go there on my own! And he said I could bring some friends!” I whined over the phone while Christe groaned.

“But I don’t even know anyone Y/N!”

“I don’t know anyone either! That’s why I need you!” I begged. “Also you can get to know new people much faster than I can, so forget complaining about that.”

“Fineee.” She finally agreed and I cheered, feeling relieved. “But I swear if you run off with Namjoon and I haven’t found an interesting person to chat with, I’ll be mad.”

“I doubt he’d even want to run off with me, but okay, I’ll ask for your permission first.” I chuckled and she laughed as well.

The days at work before the party we chatted about what we should wear, if there would be any cute guys, good food and drinks. And then the day of the party finally came. Christie had come over to my place so we could get ready together. I ended up wearing a classic little black dress, since Namjoon didn’t really tell me why they were having the party, so this was the safest option.

Christie went with a black mini skirt and a crop top. Then we searched for the public transport that would take us there and got going.

When we arrived at our destination, we were not standing in front of a normal building complex with apartments, but some company. Was this party related to his work? But he always somehow avoided talking about his work…

We rung the bell he told me to ring and waited anxiously while exchanging unnerved looks. This was different from what we expected. The door was opened and we went to the elevator and up to the 4th floor. Up there the music could be heard even before the elevator doors opened and I sighed in relief. Now that sounds like a party.

Still a little hesitant, we followed the music and ended up in a huge room filled with people. There were mostly young people, but also some older ones. Definitely work related.

I looked around the room in search for Namjoon, but couldn’t see him anywhere, so we went over to the bar. A drink would at least make it seem like we belonged here.

“I swear to god, I’ve heard BigHit somewhere before…” Christie mumbled and I frowned. When you own no television and don’t really catch up on mainstream media it was no surprise I didn’t know the name.

“Maybe something related to books? Since Namjoon reads a lot.” I shrugged and she shook her head.

“I doubt that.”

We stayed at the bar, continued to chat and watch more and more people arrive until someone tested a microphone. Just now we noticed the little stage like space at one end of the room.

“What is this party?” Christie whispered into my ear and all I could do was shrug again, after all I had no clue.

“Y/N! There you are!” I heard Namjoon’s familiar voice and seconds later he appeared next to me. In that exact moment the older man on the little stage cleared his throat.

“I really need to tell you something. Do you have a minute?” He asked in a hurry and I frowned.

“I promised not to leave my friend Christie alone, since she knows no one, sorry. But you can tell me here?” I suggested and he sighed.

“Not ideal, but I guess it will do.” He mumbled while the guy on stage started talking.

“Good evening everyone! We’re honored that all of you appeared here tonight to celebrate the success of the promotions of ‘You Never Walk Alone’!”

Promotions? You Never Walk Alone? Never heard of it.

“So you see…I never really told you what I work as right? And I guess you already figured out that this party is somehow work related. And the truth is I was so busy the last weeks, because we were promoting ‘You never Walk Alone’ our new album.”

Immediately I turned to him and stared at him with wide eyes and an open mouth, blurring out the man talking in the background.

“You’re a musician?!” I gasped and he nodded, unsure if my reaction was a positive or negative one.

“Yeah…” He admitted and frowned.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s just…I was surprised that you didn’t know at all and I didn’t want to ruin it and act like a jerk who thinks he’s cool because he is successful in the business.”

“Namjoon why would I think you’re a jerk?” I face palmed and he chuckled.

“Who knows?” He shrugged and I laughed it off.

Then music started playing in the background and I turned towards the stage again, where you could see some kind of music video.

“Is this one of your band mates?” I asked when a guy with a cute beanie and a blue cardigan appeared on the screen.

“Yep, that’s Taehyung. I’ll introduce you to them if you want, but I have to go now. See you later?” He questioned me with hopeful eyes and I nodded, then he disappeared into the crowd of people.

I continued to watch the music video and was surprised that Namjoon showed up as the very first person to rap. I was surprised by the sound of his voice and his looks. And we thought he looked stylish when he showed up in our coffee shop. Well, I would never wear a blazer over a sweater, but he looked amazing nonetheless.

The song itself was really calming and not at all what I was expecting from the kind of music Namjoon preferably listens to. Then I caught a glimpse of a word in the video. Omelas! So that’s what he’s been reading it for!

Now that I recognized the word, I tried to read into everything that was going on much more and at the end of the video I was impressed. I couldn’t believe Namjoon was part of this.

Then another video came up and the feeling was entirely different. The name was probably ‘Not Today’ they said that pretty often. But wait? Namjoon had purple hair? I didn’t even notice in the previous video! But he had brown hair now, didn’t he?

The video ended as fast as the first one and I turned to Christie in awe.

“Was that…Namjoon?” She asked in confusion and I nodded slowly.

“Yeah, he just told me he is a musician. Judging from the amount of people here they must be huge! Do we live under a rock or something?!” I complained. I really needed to buy a TV. Like tomorrow.

“You definitely do. I’m more disappointed in myself. I even heard of them, but never looked up their stuff. What the hell.” Christie joined in and we went back to the bar to get another drink.

Then the band got called up on stage and they thanked everyone in the team who worked on the album with them.

Only now I had the chance in to take in Namjoon’s appearance. He looked smoking hot!! How could he look better every single time I saw him?

“Ok, now it’s obvious he’s an idol. All of them are so hot. Y/N you need to introduce me to at least one of them.” Christie insisted and I sighed.

“I don’t even know them myself. And if they’re idols they probably have a dating ban, so don’t get your hopes up.”

She looked at me with concern in her eyes.

“I never got my hopes up okay.” I clarified and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, right.”

In the meanwhile the boys had left the stage and were talking to some of the people in the crowd. I didn’t really want to get in Namjoon’s way and, as Christie pointed out, my hopes up. So we just walked around the decorated room, grabbed some food and then went over to the dance floor.

After a while someone tapped me on the shoulder and I was greeted by Namjoon’s smile.

“Enjoying yourself?” He questioned me and I nodded.

“A little isolated, but we’re having fun.” I joked. “Join us?”

“Nah, I’m not really a dancer.”

“…You’re an idol…?” Christie chimed in and Namjoon shrugged.

“I am, but did you watch the videos just now? Definitely not the best dancer out there.” He continued and I sighed.

“There is no skill level needed to dance with us though.” I countered, but he shook his head.

“I’ll pass for now, but how about I introduce you to the others?” He suggested and of course we agreed, so we followed him over to where the boys were chatting among themselves right now.

“Hey guys! This Y/N and Christie, they work at the coffe shop I usually go to.”

“Oh the girl you…” One of them started, but Namjoon cut in.

“Yes the one I told you I invited to the party.” He stated with a glare and the guy laughed. If I remembered right it was the one with the blue cardigan in the first video.

“Hey! It’s so nice to meet you. Namjoon never told us he had a band.” I greeted them awkwardly and they looked at him, acting offended.

“Wow, are you ashamed of us?” “What did we do to you?” “I’m so disappointed!”

Christie and I laughed and the guys laughed as well. Then Namjoon introduced them one by one and we talked about their music, how long they’ve been together, how long they trained, all that stuff.

At some point I needed to use the restroom, so I excused myself. Before I could rejoin the group however I was caught by Namjoon.

“Hey, can we talk right now? The boys are taking care of Christie, don’t worry” He added when he noticed my concerned look. I couldn’t fathom what he’d want to talk to me about, so I agreed.

We left the room and walked down the hallways, until Namjoon opened the door to a small room.

“A studio?” I asked while looking around.

“My studio.” He explained and I gasped.

“Nice.” I stated while inspecting the room. “A lot of figurines.”

“Oh, yeah, do you think it’s too much?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s your studio anyway, right?” I encouraged him and he seemed relieved that I didn’t mind them. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing in particular. I only wanted to show you some more music. Maybe some of my solo stuff if you want? I mean ‘Spring Day’ and ‘Not Today’ are good, but it doesn’t cover everything we’ve done.”

“I’d love that!”

We sat down in front of his desk and he opened up some files. Their biggest hits and some tracks of his mixtape. Every single song was incredible.

“Ok now I feel like a potato next to you.” I sighed and leaned back into my chair.

“Don’t say that. There are many things you’re better at than I will ever be.” He tried to cheer me up, but I was having none of it.

“Making coffee isn’t the same as creating amazingly beautiful and emotional music. I’ve never seen anyone crying, because they’ve tasted a cup of coffee.” I rolled my eyes.

“It doesn’t have to be work related you know.” He sighed and I shrugged, remaining silent. “We’ll just agree on the fact that you’re great, ok?”

I agreed in defeat and then remembered something.

“Oh, right! I saw an Omelas sign in one of the music videos! Don’t tell me you read the book for that?” I inquired and he chuckled.

“You noticed? I told you it was work related. We have a consistent background story going on in most of our MVs, but it would be too much to explain it to you now.”

“I have time.” I stated and Namjoon laughed.

“As much as I’d like to spend more time alone with you, I still have to show up at the party again or rumors will start circulating.” Ouch.

“Sure…” I mumbled, trying my best to conceal the stinging pain in my chest. Not getting my hopes up had worked really well.

We left Namjoon’s studio behind and and rejoined the others at the actual party location. I noticed Christie chatting happily with Jin and ventured out to the bar by myself where I got another drink. It didn’t take long until another person showed up behind me. Hoseok.

“Hey are you alright?” He asked me with a frown and I smiled at him.

“Sure, I’m fine, why?”

“I don’t know, you seemed unhappy when you came back, so I thought I’d ask.” He shrugged and sat down next to me.

“No, it’s all good.” I insisted, but he was having none of it.

“Did Namjoon say something to you?” He hit the bull’s eye and I sighed. “Look, I don’t know what he said and I don’t want to pry, but I know he appears all smooth and good with words, but when he’s nervous he’s not. I bet whatever he said he only wanted to protect you.”

“Protect me from what?” I furrowed my brows and he grinned.

“Our Armys can get a little wild.” He said and slid off his seat. “Cheer up, ok?”

And with that he disappeared again.

I stayed at the bar for quite a while and tried to sort out my thoughts. Just when I thought I finally managed to do so, Christie and Namjoon appeared.

“There you are! We were searching for you everywhere!” Christe exclaimed and hugged me, clearly a little tipsy.

“Oh, sorry. I only got another drink.” I told them and raised my glass.

“So, the boys and I were planning on taking this party home with some close friends. Do you want to come?” Namjoon suggested and I thought about it for a while.

“Do you want to Christe?” I asked and she nodded eagerly.

“Sure, why not.” I shrugged and not long after we found ourselves in a van driving to their dorm.

Of course not everyone had fit into one van, so we were divided into groups. There was Taehyung, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Christie, me and two others I didn’t know the names of in the van. Music was playing and everybody was having a good time.

A short time later we parked in an underground parking lot and all of us squeezed into the elevator. The boy’s dorm was tidy and even a little bit decorated. They definitely prepared for this. Taehyung proposed a little house tour for us and we found ourselves wandering through their various rooms.

“Wouldn’t have expected you guys to be so tidy.” Christie pointed out and Taehyung chuckled.

“Hobi is very diligent about us tidying, so we have no choice.”

We walked through a few more rooms until Taehyung opened the door to his own room.

“This is Namjoon’s and my room.” He announced and I looked at the pile of stuffed toys.

“Don’t tell me these are Namjoon’s.” I laughed and Taehyung grinned.

“Ok, I won’t.” He joked and told us that they were rarely home anyway.

After that we walked back into the now packed living room. Christie and I stayed for a few more hours, but decided it was time to leave before it got too late.

“Let me walk you home?” Namjoon asked when they found out that Christie didn’t live too far from their dorm and I had to walk a little longer on my own.

“You don’t have to. I can just take a taxi. No need to leave your own party for that.” I smiled and he shook his head.

“It’s not that I have to, I want to.” He insisted and I sighed, giving in.

We walked up to where Christie lived together and then it was only me and Namjoon.

“So…” I started.

“So?”

“Not afraid of being seen outside with me?” I teased and he looked at me with shock in his eyes. “You know rumors and stuff.” I added hastily and he frowned.

“Yeah Hobi told me you weren’t happy that I said that.”

“He told you?!” I asked. Wow, I’ll never tell Hoseok about my feelings ever again.

“I asked where he’s been and he said he checked on you and I asked why, that’s all. He probably knew I was worried.”

“About what?” I questioned him and he shrugged.

“About you.”

“Why?”

“Look I’m not dumb, I notice when you’re acting strange as well. Of course I get worried.” He clarified and I looked to the ground. Sometimes it really sucked that I couldn’t hide my feelings very well. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings when I said that. I just know that dating as an idol isn’t the best thing to do. And you’d suffer because of it more than I would.”

“Wait, what?!”

Namjoon stopped and I turned around to look at him in the faint street light.

“I like you. From the very first moment I saw you in the coffee shop I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet. I planned on asking you out long ago and when you approached me and we met in the book store…I just knew it was now or never. But you saw that I have close to no time to spend with you, so I thought it would be better not to say anything.”

I stood there in disbelief. My eyes wide, mind blank and a pounding heart.

“Probably shouldn’t have said that…” Namjoon said while scratching the back of his head and started to walk again, but I grabbed his hand. He stopped and turned back towards me, but I still didn’t know what to say.

“So…you’re saying you want to…date me?” I asked quietly and slowly raised my eyes to meet his soft gaze. He nodded quietly.

“I’d like that very much.”

A grin formed on Namjoon’s face and he leaned forward to seal my lips with his.

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lovemesomesurveys · 6 years ago

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On MySpace, what was in the last bulletin you posted? Most likely it was a survey. Man, I wish I could still access those. 15/16 year old me survey answers... yikes.

When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? In room a few weeks ago.

Have you ever been scolded by a mall cop? Not scolded, but one told me to take my hoodie off once. ha. He was cool about it.

How often do you catch yourself daydreaming? I zone out a lot.

What’s your favorite thing to think about as you’re falling asleep? I don’t have much control over where my brain goes. It likes to go some weird, random, and sometimes dark places.

Is there anything that you want to do, but you won’t do because you’re too afraid? A lot of things.

Who was the last person to yell at you? Not sure. I don’t get yelled at, but like my parents and I have our disagreements and get frustrated with each other sometimes.

Who gets up the earliest in your household and what about the latest? My dad gets up the earliest everyday even on the weekends when he’s off work. The latest is me.

Have you ever had a pet walk across your keyboard while you were typing? No. My dogs have always been too big to do that.

Which political issues are you most passionate about? I don’t want to get into politics.

You’re going to your favorite foreign country, so what landmarks do you go see? I’d love to check out many places in Sweden.

What’s the longest amount of time that you’ve spent away from your home? A week.

Did the last movie you watched have any emotional affect on you? I just saw Glass on Saturday, which was pretty crazy. In a good way.

What motivates you to go to school? I’m done with school, thank goodness.

How much caffeine have you consumed in one day? I used to always have coffee first thing and then a can of soda later on. Sometimes more coffee later that night. I haven’t had soda; though, in over year. Well, minus the sip I take with my medicine (I have to crush my pills and soda is the only thing I can take it with). Now I’m just about the coffee, twice a day. Nice, warm, big, delicious cups of coffee.

Are you more hyper and up-tight or laid back and relaxed? Hyper and upright don’t seem to go together in the way you paired these things, but I’d say I actually come off laid back to people who don’t really know me and probably just cause I’m pretty quiet, but really I’m more tense and anxious.

When was the last time you heard someone talking about you? *shrug*

How did you pick out your last outfit? I just grabbed some leggings and a sweatshirt. Not much thought went into it.

Are you embarrassed to bring people into your bedroom? I would be now.

When was the last children’s birthday party you attended? It’s been a couple years.

Are you good at reading other people’s body language? I think so. I could be taking it the wrong way sometimes, though.

If you’re sick, do you go to school or do you stay home usually? It depended on how sick I was. Typically, I’d power through, but there were times where I just couldn’t. There were times in college before I had a pretty big surgery for something where I was sick a lot and went to school with a fever and chills. I’d have to pop some Tylenol before class, sometimes even during, and just push through. Weak me today can’t relate.

Does chicken noodle soup really make you feel any better? No.

What’s one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? Usually I’m not much into anything because my taste buds are all messed up and everything tastes bland. And then depending on what kind of sick I am, I may not want to eat anything, really. I have to force myself to eat toast or soup in times like that.

Thinking of the last survey you filled out, did you enjoy it? It was okay.

Have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? Yeah, before I learned how terrible it is for them. <<<< Same. :X

Is it hard to imagine you were ever as small as a one or two-year-old? Yeah. Such a long time ago. D:

What set the tone for your mood today? It’s only 1:56AM. So far; though, I feel pretty crappy cause of this cough and cold thing I have going on.

Have you ever set out to ruin someone else’s day? No. I would never intentionally do that.

Have you ever felt like the whole world was against you? Just like life in general, ya know?

What was the name of the last video game you played? Life is Strange.

What was the name of the last board game that you played? I don’t remember, it’s been too long. I love board games.

What was the last thing that you told yourself? *shrug*

How many times a day do you wash your face? I actually don’t. I just apply moisturizer sometimes.

If someone throws hot coffee on you, how do you react? Uh, well, I’d react to something HOT being thrown at me and be like WTF? I’ve spilled hot coffee on myself on accident, so I know it’s not a pleasant feeling.

Is there a high school or college that you would rather be attending? I’m doneeee with school.

Have you ever lived in an apartment or duplex home? Duplex.

Has anyone ever commented on your weight? Yes. I get told how I’m “too skinny” all the time.

What’s a show from the ’90s that you miss? I mean, I still watch a lot of my favorites from that time.

Who provokes your sarcastic side the most? My brother and I sarcastically joke around all the time.

Have you ever thought about joining the military? No. I couldn’t anyway.

When you were little, did you ever stare at disabled or “different” people? I was/am disabled and am quite familiar with the stares.

Could the contents of your bedroom get you in any trouble? No...

Do weather patterns sometimes have an affect on your health? Rainy, cold weather can give me headaches and make me achy. Hot weather makes me just absolutely miserable.

If it snows a lot where you live, do you experience cabin fever? It doesn’t snow here. :(

When was the last time someone disapproved of something you were doing? I feel like my family disapproves of me not doing things I should be doing pertaining to my health. I know they get frustrated with me for that.

Do you consider yourself to be approachable? I’m not sure.

How do you respond to cheesy pick-up lines? Laugh. I’ve been asked the whole, “aye girl, what’s your sign?” before.

How was the service at the last restaurant you visited? Fine.

Are you ever jealous of happy couples? No. I may feel envious sometimes, but not jealous.

How would you describe a thought that’s sticking with you today? I’ve been thinking about how crappy I feel.

Lately, who has spent the most time on your mind? No one in particular.

In a car, air conditioning or roll the windows down? Air conditioning.

Is there a new song or band you’ve discovered? I’ve come across some new music recently. I don’t really listen to music a whole lot like I used to, so I went on Spotify the other day and checked out some new stuff to add to my playlist.

What teacher gives you the most homework?

What type of personality do you find most annoying? Cockiness and arrogance.

Are you punctual? Yes.

Have you ever howled at the full moon? ...No.

Have you ever seen yourself on camera? Yes. EW. The most torturous thing ever was back when I for some reason took this “acting for the camera” class and we’d have to do monologues and skits that were filmed. The WORST part about that was the professor would play everyone’s tape in front of the class and we were to give constructive criticism. Omg it was horrible.

Do you give any consideration to what’s said in your horoscope? I don’t even read those anymore. Back when I used to, I was so opposite of how a Leo is always described. They’re always said to be confident and outgoing people and I’m just like, ahahahahah.

When was the last time you felt like you were being followed? Yikes. I used to feel that way sometimes whenever I had to go to the bus stop or was going home from the bus stop.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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happylittleroleplays · 7 years ago

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One Tree Hill Sentence Starters: 1x04

“Did you forget to pay the water biil?”

“This is what we need the emergency Visa for.”

“Lets get you rinsed.”

“How is this not funny?”

“Check it out, its called dinner.”

“Hey how is my boy?”

“I haven’t seen you for weeks.”

“Lets try to get it together”

“You’re both so broody, you could brood together.”

“We’re going to be roughing it until tomorrow.”

“They kidnapped you, trashed the place, threatened you with bodily harm...party? Sure. Why not?”

“Look i know its all a set up, alright?”

“I’m not gonna let him screw with me.”

“Whatever he dishes out, he’ll get back double.”

“Do you think maybe, just maybe he’s had a change of heart?

“Everytime I ride with you, I swear I’m never going to do it again.”

“Are you being pathetic?”

“I wasn’t sure you would come.”

“Wait this is insulting, right?”

“Where’s the keg?”

“I don’t even know what he’s interested in.”

“How’s he been doing?”

“It must be confusing for him.”

“Are we gonna talk about that?”

“I think that’s probably temporary.”

“I know this is hard for you.”

“i know you’re having the time of your life but can we make like a tree and get out of here?”

“We just got here!”

“You let me know when you’ve proved your point.”

“I’ve never had sex with anything made out of plastic.”

“I’ve never--no I did that.”

“Ive never had a dad that wished I was a stain on the bed sheets.”

“Maybe you could teach him to stop being such a jackass.”

“I’ll put that on the lesson plan.”

“Just be careful, okay?”

“You know you say a lot when you keep your mouth shut.”

“Same old crap.”

“He made some feeble comment, im not gonna let him get to me.”

“Have you guys ever actually talked?”

“youre so hypersensitive around each other.”

“Why are you defending him?”

“I’m just trying to bring some perspective to a really screwy situation.”

“Okay tell me I’m not hearing this.”

“Obviously youre looking for something.”

“I’m not going to let him win.”

“Fine, don’t let him win, I’m going home.”

“We had a deal, you promised you were going to be nice.”

“I invited him to a stinkin party, didnt I?”

”I made a lame joke!”

“Stop being such a jerk!”

“I dont care what he thinks.”

“Why are you drinking?”

“I cant believe your parents don’t have any decent porn.”

“The point is, you want to express yourself but you dont want the world to know its you.”

“Maybe I’m just a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch.”

“I dont need you defending me.”

“I don’t need you analyzing me or interpreting me.”

“Im pretty sure I don’t need you at all.”

“Who’s the girl?”

“I thought you left”

“I’m glad you stayed.”

“I wanted to thank you for holding back. Jerk was pretty tame, you could have called me a lot worse. I would have deserved it.”

“I thought I saw you guys fighting back there.”

“Im not going to do that to my best friend.”

“Maybe you’re doing me a favor.”

“I guess I’m walking.”

“Let me give you a ride.”

“Please just take the ride.”

“You’re a little high on yourself arent you?”

“We should talk.”

“I try to let these things roll off my back.”

“I feel powerless to do anything about it.”

“Youve made me feel irrelevant.”

“He’s a good kid.”

“Something’s not working.”

“That kid I saw tonight is anything but happening.”

“Dont let me have another beer unless I beg you.”

“This is my house. We’re staying here while we renovate the mansion.”

“I didn’t mean to show off.”

“What I said at the beach...that was a lie.”

“Its not just my life. Its my dad’s too.”

“What were you doing following my girlfriend?”

“You know this was a crime.”

“Looks like its your word against ours.”

“She was really drunk last time I saw her, maybe she did this.”

“All I see it a wrecked car and you.”

“You want to tell me what it is with you and this girl? Youre willing to break the law for her?”

“I’ll do the work myself.”

“I was hoping to get a coffee...”

“I don’t carry that weight around and I don’t want to.”

“Quite honestly it makes me a bit jealous.”

“There’s a lot of history. But it doesn’t have to be our history.”

“You reinvented cruel tonight.”

“I’m sorry is getting a little old with you.”

“Where have you been for that last two hours?”

“I’ve never told a ridiculous lie to my girlfriends face. Drink up.”

“I can not believe you just asked me that with a straight face.”

“You will not believe the night I had.”

“Do you mind telling me what happened before you destroy whats left o my table?”

“They do whatever they want and they screw everyone else in the process.”

“Everybody has secrets.”

“You calm enough to talk?”

“Sorry I went off. I was pissed and you were in the line of fire.”

“Truth is, I’m the reason you never got what you wanted.”

“Everyone seems to think I'm some kind of victim. I chose this.”

“Who do you think we should feel sorry for? Ourselves of them?”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“You may be willing to let him get away with it but I’m not.”

“Stay away from me.”

“The last thing I want with us is normal. In case you haven’t noticed, normal sucks with us.”

“If that’s the case, you’re an ass.”

“Thank you for being such an amazing son of a bitch last night, you really made this easy.”

“I mean it, get the hell out.”

“I was beginning to this I’d never see you again.”

“Youre avoiding me, right?”

“We’ve always been able to talk about stuff.”

“youre just a real pain in the but sometimes.”

“At least we can still be honest with each other.”

“So if anything was going on with you..Anything weird or confusing, you’d tell me?”

#ask meme #rp ask meme #rp ask box meme #rp meme

31 notes · View notes

straykids-jiisung · 7 years ago

Text

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?i think the last person was my dad so no.

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

what ex?

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

yes ish

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

6. What are you excited for?

nothing im scae

7. What happened tonight?youve got the times mixed up, is t the past or the future? past: watched tv, future: get ready for school

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

its up to them, just stay safe

9. Is confidence cute?4

is cute the right woerd? bbut yes

10. What is the last beverage you had?

water

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

i dont fully trust anyone

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

sleep.

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

school stuff?

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

no.

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

i bloody hope so

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

my friend, rita

18. The last time you felt broken?

yes

19. Have you had sex today?

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

that being an adult sucks and that its scary

21. Are you in a good mood?

sort of

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

anything for a laf

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

yep

24. What do you want right this second?

i want friends to make me laugh and dance with me

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

ouch

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

yep

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

i guess? but i wouldnt like it

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

an internet joke

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

yes

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

yep

34. Listening to?

bad liar - Selena gomez

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

of course

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

my mum - in the garden/ no at the bus stop

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

38. Who did you last call?

mum

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

mysellf :)

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

bye (going to school)

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

idk

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

44. Do you tan in the nude?

i dont tan

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

47. Who was the last person to call you?

mum

48. Do you sing in the shower?

yep

49. Do you dance in the car?

nope

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

oh yeah it was so much fun

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

last year school photot

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

53. Is Christmas stressful?

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

no idea what that is so probabaly not

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

ive never had pie

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

teacher

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

oh yeah tons of times

59. Take a vitamin daily?

60. Wear slippers?

61. Wear a bath robe?

62. What do you wear to bed?

loose top and trousers ie pjs

63. First concert?

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

ive never been to any of them but target

65. Nike or Adidas?

nike

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

peanuts

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

look what you made me do

69. Ever take dance lessons?

yep street dance

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

no??

71. Can you curl your tongue?

yep

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

nope

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

74. What is your favorite book?

carry on

75. Do you study better with or without music?

wihtout

76. Regularly burn incense?

77. Ever been in love?

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

bts, day6, vixx, fall out boy

79. What was the last concert you saw?

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

who on earth would choose cold?? hot all te way

81. Tea or coffee?

tea

82. Favorite type of cookie?

chocolate chip cookies

83. Can you swim well?

what classifies as well?

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

yep

85. Are you patient?

not really

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

thats hard, band

87. Ever won a contest?

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

89. Which are better black or green olives?

green

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

it all depends on your partner and you, talk it out, for me i dont care when i ahve sex

91. Best room for a fireplace?

sitting room

92. Do you want to get married

if i fint the right person

0 notes

adambstingus · 7 years ago

Text

6 Guys Youll End Up Dating When Youve Been Single For Too Long

I’m writing this post from my bed.

I’m un-showered, even though I came home from CrossFit three hours ago.

I’m slugging back red wine and crushing a party size-serving of chips and salsa.

I turned my phone on silent an hour ago, just so I would stop checking to see if the guy I like has responded to the text I sent earlier.

Needless to say, I dont think you get much more single than this.

There are nights when I rejoice in it, and there are nights when I sulk in it.

Tonight, its the latter.

But as I sit here, elbow-deep in a bag of Tostitos and knuckles clenched around a topped-off glass of wine, I cant help but be grateful for this single life Ive been living for almost a year now.

Its an unexpected and for me unwanted learning experience.

I say its “unwanted” because Im the relationship type.

Ive never had a one-night stand (nor will I ever).

I like commitment.

Dating gives me anxiety because I never know what to say or do.

Should I text him first? Will he text me?

Whats the right emoji to use? Should I even use an emoji?

Let me screenshot this and send it to all my friends to see if its okay.

What should I wear?

Unwanted or not, Im on one hell of a self-learning curve.

I think its so important for every woman to have this bittersweet journey, especially in her20s.

Im learning when to keep my guard up and when to let it come crashing down.

Im learning how to be patient.

I’m learning what I like and what I dont.

Im learning so much about myself because Im finding time for myself.

Im trying new things.

I’ve joined CrossFit and hot yoga, and I quit some unhealthy habits that were crippling my self-esteem.

Ive tried tons of new restaurants completely free, thanks to first dates.

But besides learning about myself, Im learning a lot about the dating pool.

Let me tell you this: When they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’s true.

But the ones you want to catch are really, really hard to find. They’re borderline nonexistent.

Ive met tons of guys ranging in age, profession, personality, height, hobbies, etc.

However, after dozens and dozens of dates and hundreds of right swipes that have amounted to nothing, Ive been able to put a label on just about every single one.

Ive boiled them down to six main categories:

1. The Ex

When one relationship ends, its so easy to look back at a previous ex and question why that relationship didnt work out either.

Call it delusion or curiosity, but it always seems like a logical first step when youre single.

So, if youre both single, why not give it another whirl?

Its comfortable. Its fun.

Its your opportunity to double-check hes really not the one who got away.

When my high school sweetheart found out that my recent ex and I had ended things, he came back into my life the same way he left it: like a tornado, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Without getting into details for his sake (and his girlfriends, whoops), the verdict was we broke up for a reason.

Thats always a validating feeling.

In the words of my inner spirit animal, Taylor Swift, we are never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.

But hey, like I said, it cant hurt to double check.

2. The Non-Committal Charmer

Hell tell you youre exclusive, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend.

He’ll monopolize your free time to ensure you dont spend time with anyone else, but he wont commit.

Youll never meet his friends or family, so dont even try.

He is in complete control of the relationship because you let him be.

His charm, wit and personality compel you to stay.

His goal is to perpetually keep your relationship in a hostage situation.

You want to see other people, but you dont want to put what you have at risk because its comfortable and fun.

Youre convinced that at some point, hell come to his senses.

He wont.

So, youre going to want to quit while you’re ahead. Dont waste any time.

3. The Egotistical PrickWho Plays On Your Heartstrings

Is it rough to call these people sociopaths?

Theyll do everything they can to make you like them in a short period of time.

Theyll cook you your favorite dinner, buy you nice wine and compliment you on the weird things you wish people would notice.

They make it so easy to let your guard down.

Then, one day, theyll just stop talking to you.

Theyll give you some bullsh*t excuse like theyre just “not ready for a relationship right now, or they really like you, and “it scares” them.

No, you just needed an ego trip. Or, you needed to get laid.

Or both.Whatever.

These types of guys are the reason all women are a little hesitant, confused, broken and yes crazy.

There are plenty of them out there.

4. The Former Frat Guy Who Just Cant Let Go Of College

In my opinion, these guys are the absolute worst.

This is mainly because they dont even realize theyre being the absolute worst. The naivety isnt at all charming.

He doesnt have to be a frat guy. Hes just the guy who loves college.

He cant grow up.

He loves his boys and beer pong more than he loves his job. He knows more about chugging beers than investing in a 401(k).

He has no idea how to start or maintain a conversation. His career path is questionable.

He most likely has the life goal of being a stay-at-home dad.

Thats what she said jokes are far too common, and he finds them far too funny.

While I personally havent gone on a single date with one of these guys, they exist in the masses.

So good luck, female young professionalsof America who thought men matured after college.

AsI say to my dad, “Im looking for the smartest idiot over 25.”

5. The One Youre Just Not That Into

These, for me, are the most common.

Then again, I think they’re common for everyone.

If we were into every person we met, there wouldnt be anyone special, right?

But sometimes, you really want to like someone.

He hasa great job. You love hisfriends and family. He’s funny.

You have everything in common. You can text all day and never run out of things to talk about.

Your Snapchat exchanges keep you laughing all day long.

He’s proud of you. He cares about you.

Youre even a perfect match (according to the stars).

But, you just arent into this person, no matter how hard you try to be.

While relationships take effort, you should never force yourself to fall for someone because you think you’d be great together.

It’s a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, and that’s one sad situationI won’t ever willingly walk into.

So when you find yourself in this kind of mess, you have to break the ice.

It’s unfair to string the other person along when he’s clearly feeling all the emotions you wish you could.

When you’re dating someone youre not into, but whom you love as a human being, breaking the ice is a double-edged sword.

You both end up hurt and bummed.

6.The One

Every person I talk to tells me the one will walk into my life when I least expect it.

It wont be because I spent my entire lunch break swiping left and right (mostly left).

It wont be because I asked my co-workers, friends, family and acquaintances if they know someone else whos completely exhausted by the routine dating scene.

It certainly wont be because I got drunk enough to get the nerve to walk up to a guy and strike up a random conversation.

No way, not me.

Im told Ill meet someone in a sweet form of serendipity.

Ill accidentally spill my coffee on him at Starbucks.

Well bond over the fresh produce at Trader Joes.

Well be at the same bar for happy hour.

Something will happen.

When that something does, in fact, happen, all those heartbreaks, mistakes, moments of weakness and feelings of guilt will wash away.

You won’t question whether your guard should be up or down. What or when to text won’t be a thought.

Everything will slip into place.

Because as everyone always says, “When you know, you know.”

So until then, my advice to every single woman out there is this: Be a lady.

Be fearless, but not careless.

Be willing to love and unafraid to get hurt.

Put yourself out there. Learn to love yourself.

Discover hobbies that fill your time.

But this is the most important piece of advice of all: Never ever settle for any of the five who come before “the one.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/165810005762

0 notes

samanthasroberts · 7 years ago

Text

6 Guys Youll End Up Dating When Youve Been Single For Too Long

I’m writing this post from my bed.

I’m un-showered, even though I came home from CrossFit three hours ago.

I’m slugging back red wine and crushing a party size-serving of chips and salsa.

I turned my phone on silent an hour ago, just so I would stop checking to see if the guy I like has responded to the text I sent earlier.

Needless to say, I dont think you get much more single than this.

There are nights when I rejoice in it, and there are nights when I sulk in it.

Tonight, its the latter.

But as I sit here, elbow-deep in a bag of Tostitos and knuckles clenched around a topped-off glass of wine, I cant help but be grateful for this single life Ive been living for almost a year now.

Its an unexpected and for me unwanted learning experience.

I say its “unwanted” because Im the relationship type.

Ive never had a one-night stand (nor will I ever).

I like commitment.

Dating gives me anxiety because I never know what to say or do.

Should I text him first? Will he text me?

Whats the right emoji to use? Should I even use an emoji?

Let me screenshot this and send it to all my friends to see if its okay.

What should I wear?

Unwanted or not, Im on one hell of a self-learning curve.

I think its so important for every woman to have this bittersweet journey, especially in her20s.

Im learning when to keep my guard up and when to let it come crashing down.

Im learning how to be patient.

I’m learning what I like and what I dont.

Im learning so much about myself because Im finding time for myself.

Im trying new things.

I’ve joined CrossFit and hot yoga, and I quit some unhealthy habits that were crippling my self-esteem.

Ive tried tons of new restaurants completely free, thanks to first dates.

But besides learning about myself, Im learning a lot about the dating pool.

Let me tell you this: When they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’s true.

But the ones you want to catch are really, really hard to find. They’re borderline nonexistent.

Ive met tons of guys ranging in age, profession, personality, height, hobbies, etc.

However, after dozens and dozens of dates and hundreds of right swipes that have amounted to nothing, Ive been able to put a label on just about every single one.

Ive boiled them down to six main categories:

1. The Ex

When one relationship ends, its so easy to look back at a previous ex and question why that relationship didnt work out either.

Call it delusion or curiosity, but it always seems like a logical first step when youre single.

So, if youre both single, why not give it another whirl?

Its comfortable. Its fun.

Its your opportunity to double-check hes really not the one who got away.

When my high school sweetheart found out that my recent ex and I had ended things, he came back into my life the same way he left it: like a tornado, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Without getting into details for his sake (and his girlfriends, whoops), the verdict was we broke up for a reason.

Thats always a validating feeling.

In the words of my inner spirit animal, Taylor Swift, we are never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.

But hey, like I said, it cant hurt to double check.

2. The Non-Committal Charmer

Hell tell you youre exclusive, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend.

He’ll monopolize your free time to ensure you dont spend time with anyone else, but he wont commit.

Youll never meet his friends or family, so dont even try.

He is in complete control of the relationship because you let him be.

His charm, wit and personality compel you to stay.

His goal is to perpetually keep your relationship in a hostage situation.

You want to see other people, but you dont want to put what you have at risk because its comfortable and fun.

Youre convinced that at some point, hell come to his senses.

He wont.

So, youre going to want to quit while you’re ahead. Dont waste any time.

3. The Egotistical PrickWho Plays On Your Heartstrings

Is it rough to call these people sociopaths?

Theyll do everything they can to make you like them in a short period of time.

Theyll cook you your favorite dinner, buy you nice wine and compliment you on the weird things you wish people would notice.

They make it so easy to let your guard down.

Then, one day, theyll just stop talking to you.

Theyll give you some bullsh*t excuse like theyre just “not ready for a relationship right now, or they really like you, and “it scares” them.

No, you just needed an ego trip. Or, you needed to get laid.

Or both.Whatever.

These types of guys are the reason all women are a little hesitant, confused, broken and yes crazy.

There are plenty of them out there.

4. The Former Frat Guy Who Just Cant Let Go Of College

In my opinion, these guys are the absolute worst.

This is mainly because they dont even realize theyre being the absolute worst. The naivety isnt at all charming.

He doesnt have to be a frat guy. Hes just the guy who loves college.

He cant grow up.

He loves his boys and beer pong more than he loves his job. He knows more about chugging beers than investing in a 401(k).

He has no idea how to start or maintain a conversation. His career path is questionable.

He most likely has the life goal of being a stay-at-home dad.

Thats what she said jokes are far too common, and he finds them far too funny.

While I personally havent gone on a single date with one of these guys, they exist in the masses.

So good luck, female young professionalsof America who thought men matured after college.

AsI say to my dad, “Im looking for the smartest idiot over 25.”

5. The One Youre Just Not That Into

These, for me, are the most common.

Then again, I think they’re common for everyone.

If we were into every person we met, there wouldnt be anyone special, right?

But sometimes, you really want to like someone.

He hasa great job. You love hisfriends and family. He’s funny.

You have everything in common. You can text all day and never run out of things to talk about.

Your Snapchat exchanges keep you laughing all day long.

He’s proud of you. He cares about you.

Youre even a perfect match (according to the stars).

But, you just arent into this person, no matter how hard you try to be.

While relationships take effort, you should never force yourself to fall for someone because you think you’d be great together.

It’s a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, and that’s one sad situationI won’t ever willingly walk into.

So when you find yourself in this kind of mess, you have to break the ice.

It’s unfair to string the other person along when he’s clearly feeling all the emotions you wish you could.

When you’re dating someone youre not into, but whom you love as a human being, breaking the ice is a double-edged sword.

You both end up hurt and bummed.

6.The One

Every person I talk to tells me the one will walk into my life when I least expect it.

It wont be because I spent my entire lunch break swiping left and right (mostly left).

It wont be because I asked my co-workers, friends, family and acquaintances if they know someone else whos completely exhausted by the routine dating scene.

It certainly wont be because I got drunk enough to get the nerve to walk up to a guy and strike up a random conversation.

No way, not me.

Im told Ill meet someone in a sweet form of serendipity.

Ill accidentally spill my coffee on him at Starbucks.

Well bond over the fresh produce at Trader Joes.

Well be at the same bar for happy hour.

Something will happen.

When that something does, in fact, happen, all those heartbreaks, mistakes, moments of weakness and feelings of guilt will wash away.

You won’t question whether your guard should be up or down. What or when to text won’t be a thought.

Everything will slip into place.

Because as everyone always says, “When you know, you know.”

So until then, my advice to every single woman out there is this: Be a lady.

Be fearless, but not careless.

Be willing to love and unafraid to get hurt.

Put yourself out there. Learn to love yourself.

Discover hobbies that fill your time.

But this is the most important piece of advice of all: Never ever settle for any of the five who come before “the one.”

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/

0 notes

jimdsmith34 · 7 years ago

Text

6 Guys Youll End Up Dating When Youve Been Single For Too Long

I’m writing this post from my bed.

I’m un-showered, even though I came home from CrossFit three hours ago.

I’m slugging back red wine and crushing a party size-serving of chips and salsa.

I turned my phone on silent an hour ago, just so I would stop checking to see if the guy I like has responded to the text I sent earlier.

Needless to say, I dont think you get much more single than this.

There are nights when I rejoice in it, and there are nights when I sulk in it.

Tonight, its the latter.

But as I sit here, elbow-deep in a bag of Tostitos and knuckles clenched around a topped-off glass of wine, I cant help but be grateful for this single life Ive been living for almost a year now.

Its an unexpected and for me unwanted learning experience.

I say its “unwanted” because Im the relationship type.

Ive never had a one-night stand (nor will I ever).

I like commitment.

Dating gives me anxiety because I never know what to say or do.

Should I text him first? Will he text me?

Whats the right emoji to use? Should I even use an emoji?

Let me screenshot this and send it to all my friends to see if its okay.

What should I wear?

Unwanted or not, Im on one hell of a self-learning curve.

I think its so important for every woman to have this bittersweet journey, especially in her20s.

Im learning when to keep my guard up and when to let it come crashing down.

Im learning how to be patient.

I’m learning what I like and what I dont.

Im learning so much about myself because Im finding time for myself.

Im trying new things.

I’ve joined CrossFit and hot yoga, and I quit some unhealthy habits that were crippling my self-esteem.

Ive tried tons of new restaurants completely free, thanks to first dates.

But besides learning about myself, Im learning a lot about the dating pool.

Let me tell you this: When they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’s true.

But the ones you want to catch are really, really hard to find. They’re borderline nonexistent.

Ive met tons of guys ranging in age, profession, personality, height, hobbies, etc.

However, after dozens and dozens of dates and hundreds of right swipes that have amounted to nothing, Ive been able to put a label on just about every single one.

Ive boiled them down to six main categories:

1. The Ex

When one relationship ends, its so easy to look back at a previous ex and question why that relationship didnt work out either.

Call it delusion or curiosity, but it always seems like a logical first step when youre single.

So, if youre both single, why not give it another whirl?

Its comfortable. Its fun.

Its your opportunity to double-check hes really not the one who got away.

When my high school sweetheart found out that my recent ex and I had ended things, he came back into my life the same way he left it: like a tornado, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Without getting into details for his sake (and his girlfriends, whoops), the verdict was we broke up for a reason.

Thats always a validating feeling.

In the words of my inner spirit animal, Taylor Swift, we are never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.

But hey, like I said, it cant hurt to double check.

2. The Non-Committal Charmer

Hell tell you youre exclusive, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend.

He’ll monopolize your free time to ensure you dont spend time with anyone else, but he wont commit.

Youll never meet his friends or family, so dont even try.

He is in complete control of the relationship because you let him be.

His charm, wit and personality compel you to stay.

His goal is to perpetually keep your relationship in a hostage situation.

You want to see other people, but you dont want to put what you have at risk because its comfortable and fun.

Youre convinced that at some point, hell come to his senses.

He wont.

So, youre going to want to quit while you’re ahead. Dont waste any time.

3. The Egotistical PrickWho Plays On Your Heartstrings

Is it rough to call these people sociopaths?

Theyll do everything they can to make you like them in a short period of time.

Theyll cook you your favorite dinner, buy you nice wine and compliment you on the weird things you wish people would notice.

They make it so easy to let your guard down.

Then, one day, theyll just stop talking to you.

Theyll give you some bullsh*t excuse like theyre just “not ready for a relationship right now, or they really like you, and “it scares” them.

No, you just needed an ego trip. Or, you needed to get laid.

Or both.Whatever.

These types of guys are the reason all women are a little hesitant, confused, broken and yes crazy.

There are plenty of them out there.

4. The Former Frat Guy Who Just Cant Let Go Of College

In my opinion, these guys are the absolute worst.

This is mainly because they dont even realize theyre being the absolute worst. The naivety isnt at all charming.

He doesnt have to be a frat guy. Hes just the guy who loves college.

He cant grow up.

He loves his boys and beer pong more than he loves his job. He knows more about chugging beers than investing in a 401(k).

He has no idea how to start or maintain a conversation. His career path is questionable.

He most likely has the life goal of being a stay-at-home dad.

Thats what she said jokes are far too common, and he finds them far too funny.

While I personally havent gone on a single date with one of these guys, they exist in the masses.

So good luck, female young professionalsof America who thought men matured after college.

AsI say to my dad, “Im looking for the smartest idiot over 25.”

5. The One Youre Just Not That Into

These, for me, are the most common.

Then again, I think they’re common for everyone.

If we were into every person we met, there wouldnt be anyone special, right?

But sometimes, you really want to like someone.

He hasa great job. You love hisfriends and family. He’s funny.

You have everything in common. You can text all day and never run out of things to talk about.

Your Snapchat exchanges keep you laughing all day long.

He’s proud of you. He cares about you.

Youre even a perfect match (according to the stars).

But, you just arent into this person, no matter how hard you try to be.

While relationships take effort, you should never force yourself to fall for someone because you think you’d be great together.

It’s a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, and that’s one sad situationI won’t ever willingly walk into.

So when you find yourself in this kind of mess, you have to break the ice.

It’s unfair to string the other person along when he’s clearly feeling all the emotions you wish you could.

When you’re dating someone youre not into, but whom you love as a human being, breaking the ice is a double-edged sword.

You both end up hurt and bummed.

6.The One

Every person I talk to tells me the one will walk into my life when I least expect it.

It wont be because I spent my entire lunch break swiping left and right (mostly left).

It wont be because I asked my co-workers, friends, family and acquaintances if they know someone else whos completely exhausted by the routine dating scene.

It certainly wont be because I got drunk enough to get the nerve to walk up to a guy and strike up a random conversation.

No way, not me.

Im told Ill meet someone in a sweet form of serendipity.

Ill accidentally spill my coffee on him at Starbucks.

Well bond over the fresh produce at Trader Joes.

Well be at the same bar for happy hour.

Something will happen.

When that something does, in fact, happen, all those heartbreaks, mistakes, moments of weakness and feelings of guilt will wash away.

You won’t question whether your guard should be up or down. What or when to text won’t be a thought.

Everything will slip into place.

Because as everyone always says, “When you know, you know.”

So until then, my advice to every single woman out there is this: Be a lady.

Be fearless, but not careless.

Be willing to love and unafraid to get hurt.

Put yourself out there. Learn to love yourself.

Discover hobbies that fill your time.

But this is the most important piece of advice of all: Never ever settle for any of the five who come before “the one.”

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/09/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve.html

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allofbeercom · 7 years ago

Text

6 Guys Youll End Up Dating When Youve Been Single For Too Long

I’m writing this post from my bed.

I’m un-showered, even though I came home from CrossFit three hours ago.

I’m slugging back red wine and crushing a party size-serving of chips and salsa.

I turned my phone on silent an hour ago, just so I would stop checking to see if the guy I like has responded to the text I sent earlier.

Needless to say, I dont think you get much more single than this.

There are nights when I rejoice in it, and there are nights when I sulk in it.

Tonight, its the latter.

But as I sit here, elbow-deep in a bag of Tostitos and knuckles clenched around a topped-off glass of wine, I cant help but be grateful for this single life Ive been living for almost a year now.

Its an unexpected and for me unwanted learning experience.

I say its “unwanted” because Im the relationship type.

Ive never had a one-night stand (nor will I ever).

I like commitment.

Dating gives me anxiety because I never know what to say or do.

Should I text him first? Will he text me?

Whats the right emoji to use? Should I even use an emoji?

Let me screenshot this and send it to all my friends to see if its okay.

What should I wear?

Unwanted or not, Im on one hell of a self-learning curve.

I think its so important for every woman to have this bittersweet journey, especially in her20s.

Im learning when to keep my guard up and when to let it come crashing down.

Im learning how to be patient.

I’m learning what I like and what I dont.

Im learning so much about myself because Im finding time for myself.

Im trying new things.

I’ve joined CrossFit and hot yoga, and I quit some unhealthy habits that were crippling my self-esteem.

Ive tried tons of new restaurants completely free, thanks to first dates.

But besides learning about myself, Im learning a lot about the dating pool.

Let me tell you this: When they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’s true.

But the ones you want to catch are really, really hard to find. They’re borderline nonexistent.

Ive met tons of guys ranging in age, profession, personality, height, hobbies, etc.

However, after dozens and dozens of dates and hundreds of right swipes that have amounted to nothing, Ive been able to put a label on just about every single one.

Ive boiled them down to six main categories:

1. The Ex

When one relationship ends, its so easy to look back at a previous ex and question why that relationship didnt work out either.

Call it delusion or curiosity, but it always seems like a logical first step when youre single.

So, if youre both single, why not give it another whirl?

Its comfortable. Its fun.

Its your opportunity to double-check hes really not the one who got away.

When my high school sweetheart found out that my recent ex and I had ended things, he came back into my life the same way he left it: like a tornado, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Without getting into details for his sake (and his girlfriends, whoops), the verdict was we broke up for a reason.

Thats always a validating feeling.

In the words of my inner spirit animal, Taylor Swift, we are never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.

But hey, like I said, it cant hurt to double check.

2. The Non-Committal Charmer

Hell tell you youre exclusive, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend.

He’ll monopolize your free time to ensure you dont spend time with anyone else, but he wont commit.

Youll never meet his friends or family, so dont even try.

He is in complete control of the relationship because you let him be.

His charm, wit and personality compel you to stay.

His goal is to perpetually keep your relationship in a hostage situation.

You want to see other people, but you dont want to put what you have at risk because its comfortable and fun.

Youre convinced that at some point, hell come to his senses.

He wont.

So, youre going to want to quit while you’re ahead. Dont waste any time.

3. The Egotistical PrickWho Plays On Your Heartstrings

Is it rough to call these people sociopaths?

Theyll do everything they can to make you like them in a short period of time.

Theyll cook you your favorite dinner, buy you nice wine and compliment you on the weird things you wish people would notice.

They make it so easy to let your guard down.

Then, one day, theyll just stop talking to you.

Theyll give you some bullsh*t excuse like theyre just “not ready for a relationship right now, or they really like you, and “it scares” them.

No, you just needed an ego trip. Or, you needed to get laid.

Or both.Whatever.

These types of guys are the reason all women are a little hesitant, confused, broken and yes crazy.

There are plenty of them out there.

4. The Former Frat Guy Who Just Cant Let Go Of College

In my opinion, these guys are the absolute worst.

This is mainly because they dont even realize theyre being the absolute worst. The naivety isnt at all charming.

He doesnt have to be a frat guy. Hes just the guy who loves college.

He cant grow up.

He loves his boys and beer pong more than he loves his job. He knows more about chugging beers than investing in a 401(k).

He has no idea how to start or maintain a conversation. His career path is questionable.

He most likely has the life goal of being a stay-at-home dad.

Thats what she said jokes are far too common, and he finds them far too funny.

While I personally havent gone on a single date with one of these guys, they exist in the masses.

So good luck, female young professionalsof America who thought men matured after college.

AsI say to my dad, “Im looking for the smartest idiot over 25.”

5. The One Youre Just Not That Into

These, for me, are the most common.

Then again, I think they’re common for everyone.

If we were into every person we met, there wouldnt be anyone special, right?

But sometimes, you really want to like someone.

He hasa great job. You love hisfriends and family. He’s funny.

You have everything in common. You can text all day and never run out of things to talk about.

Your Snapchat exchanges keep you laughing all day long.

He’s proud of you. He cares about you.

Youre even a perfect match (according to the stars).

But, you just arent into this person, no matter how hard you try to be.

While relationships take effort, you should never force yourself to fall for someone because you think you’d be great together.

It’s a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, and that’s one sad situationI won’t ever willingly walk into.

So when you find yourself in this kind of mess, you have to break the ice.

It’s unfair to string the other person along when he’s clearly feeling all the emotions you wish you could.

When you’re dating someone youre not into, but whom you love as a human being, breaking the ice is a double-edged sword.

You both end up hurt and bummed.

6.The One

Every person I talk to tells me the one will walk into my life when I least expect it.

It wont be because I spent my entire lunch break swiping left and right (mostly left).

It wont be because I asked my co-workers, friends, family and acquaintances if they know someone else whos completely exhausted by the routine dating scene.

It certainly wont be because I got drunk enough to get the nerve to walk up to a guy and strike up a random conversation.

No way, not me.

Im told Ill meet someone in a sweet form of serendipity.

Ill accidentally spill my coffee on him at Starbucks.

Well bond over the fresh produce at Trader Joes.

Well be at the same bar for happy hour.

Something will happen.

When that something does, in fact, happen, all those heartbreaks, mistakes, moments of weakness and feelings of guilt will wash away.

You won’t question whether your guard should be up or down. What or when to text won’t be a thought.

Everything will slip into place.

Because as everyone always says, “When you know, you know.”

So until then, my advice to every single woman out there is this: Be a lady.

Be fearless, but not careless.

Be willing to love and unafraid to get hurt.

Put yourself out there. Learn to love yourself.

Discover hobbies that fill your time.

But this is the most important piece of advice of all: Never ever settle for any of the five who come before “the one.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/

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ellerevelle · 7 years ago

Text

copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.

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