#if you've also sent me an ask in the last 2 years ish I do think guiltily about it and I will respond eventually

[capricornsicle]

I've kind of been getting back into teen wolf recently and I've been noticing more than I used to just how anti Scott a bunch of people are. like, why?! what did he ever do to you?! people will include every other character including fucking Peter and they'll still exclude Scott or hate on him for no reason. idk it's just crazy to me

what did he ever do to you?!

Main character, own show, not white.

Long answer:

I've also taken a break from Teen Wolf fandom (and Tumblr) for a while, and it's really cemented in my mind just how much of Scott hate and Scott dislike and how much of the obsession with other characters instead by way of stripping them of their canon personalities and actions and confidently stating that they are actually the Scott McCall of the story in every way is just repackaged racism.

Honeslty, I got into Teen Wolf after reading some Sterek fic I was recommended. For someone with no knowledge of the show past maybe a couple episodes I'd seen years ago, I thought it was pretty good. Then I started watching the show and started being active on Tumblr, and despite being brown myself and being fairly used to fandom racism already, I saw so much about how Scott was naïve and dumb that I started believing it. The vast majority of the fandom space being dominated by Sterek content which already often relies on dropping Scott from main character to at best a supporting character and at worst an antagonist to a romance and by content that did include Scott painting him as an idiot, coupled with not having finished the show yet and not getting to see just how much Scott grows up and some of his best moments where you realize how smart and strong he is, had me putting some embarrassingly wrong takes out there on the internet.

I have since changed my tune. 2 consecutive years of anonymous (purely on a technicality, because we all know who it is) hate mail specifically orchestrated to alienate me from fans who do like Scott (primarily by outright lying about users like @princeescaluswords, @liliaeth, and @spikeface, if you remember that series of asks I apologize for my lack of critical reasoning skills at the time) and to brute force argue in the worst faith possible until I accepted their outlandish statements as logical bases for a debate will do that to a person. Also, I finished the show. I'm curious how many people active in fandom have never actually seen past season 3b or season 4, since so much of Scott hate is centered around the events of season 5 and so many people say egregiously wrong things about those events as fact to prove that Scott is a bad friend or a bad leader or what have you.

This fandom is an interesting place. The entire environment is so steeped in anti-Scott sentiment that was created by, like, 5 specific people who are for some reason treated as logical and reasonable actors and respected in fandom, and in deeply delusional fanon that has become a fandom unto itself in the years it's had to brew. Sterek remains popular because it's an easy story to like for a lot of people who spend a lot of time online and in fandom spaces: a (white) guy who's kind of a loser, feels physically and socially powerless, but is creative and snarky and uses the powers of sarcasm and quirkiness to draw the attention of a more powerful, more experienced, more confident, rock-hard-abs (white) man who's hopelessly enamored despite being entirely unattainable in real life. So the Sterek fandom remains active, and inhabits the husk of the thing that used to be the Teen Wolf fandom before the Teen Wolf fans got tired of being pushed out of their own space and went on to other fandoms that are better house-trained. Or a few of us still linger and stubbornly remain in the fandom of things we like, even though a lot of great TV shows and movies and books and games have godawful and deeply toxic and racist fandom spaces.

Racism in the Teen Wolf fandom is like learning what the Wilhelm Scream is. Once you can recognize it you suddenly realize it's everywhere. The fandom relies on passing around the same deeply racist interpretations of events and is fueled by the same hate to keep itself alive. Sterek becomes less interesting when you're not fighting fans of the actual show to prove it exists, or fighting the main character who's in the way of the interpretation of Stiles as the mother of the ensemble cast because he's obviously so much smarter and wiser than them and Derek as the primary love interest and the authoritarian but loving father. Realistically Scott would probably be surprised if Stiles and Derek started dating, but he'd be supportive of his friends. He wasn't happy with Allison dating Isaac, but he was supportive of their relationship because it was making people he cared about happy. There's no version of events where he wouldn't be completely supportive of his best friend being in a relationship with someone who he's come to see as part of his family. Especially when that someone is a person who he's helped to become a better one and right the wrongs he's done, even against Scott himself.

Scott is a bastion of kindness and forgiveness and a prime example of how treating people like they're people, even when they're bad people, is the distinction between a person and a monster. But that's not as inspiring for people who see themselves as Stiles and find Derek attractive as seeing him as an obstacle, especially when the fandom is an echo chamber of Scott's apparent wrongdoings against them and their relationship that are all just words to cover up a vicious jealousy that Scott is the main character because the path to being the better person isn't proving you're better than everyone else, it's by knowing that you are just as human as everyone else and recognizing that treating people like they are capable of being good is a wildly successful method of bettering them. But that's hard, and nihilism and snark are easy.

Scott hate is just racism. I've been wrong before, in fact most things I've learned have come from being wrong about them first, and I'd be delighted to be wrong about this, but it's been a long wait to find the Teen Wolf fan who hates Scott for a reason that is true and unrelated to him not being white. Fortunately being racist isn't an incurable disease. It's something that can be unlearned and something that people can practice recognizing and walking away from. Maybe part of me coming back to this blog and this fandom after a relaxing hiatus is my continued belief, especially in the face of recent world events, that people can change. In my years of being in this fandom, I've seen a lot of bullshit, a lot of racism, a lot of racist bullshit, and some of the most purposefully bigoted people I've ever encountered. They know who they are. But I've also seen enough people change their minds about Scott and breathe fresh life into the very small Teen Wolf part of the Teen Wolf fandom that sometimes it's a pretty fun place to be in. Racism can be unlearned. On a fandom level and on a much larger scale.

And I really like Scott. I think deliberately choosing kindness when you're surrounded by violence and compliance is admirable, and I think popular culture could use more role models like that. The fact that he looks like me when still in 2025 so few of the heroes do is an added bonus.

[judesmoonbeauty]

ALRIGHT CICI jude queen i have a question for you <3

with aphrodisiac event coming up, and jude being a 95k bonus, have you ever done or read his bonus story? i saw a post where you had said you weren't playing then so you don't have it

is it worth spending money to try and get it?

i am SLIGHTLY a collector so i like to collect stuff if it's good.....esp for characters i like. but for example, i didn't bother trying to get jude's 410 CE story for the new years event because i didn't LOVE the story (it was cute don't get me wrong) so i didn't want to waste the resources to try and make the 410 hearts

and if it is.....how much approx. do you usually have to spend to reach a 95k bonus ;w;

TY BB ILY i hope 2025 has been treating you amazingly :')

YUMIIII,

Okay, so I was playing at the time, I just never got that story on JP. But here is a link to an ask @.dear-mrs-otome answered who did share spoilers. I hope it helps you decide! I'm not sure what kind of content moves you to collect, but if it's things like spice then I would say go for it? The reason being is that I feel like Jude spice gets locked up after this event until about August-ish.

It's been a while since I've aimed for a 95k on EN, but I usually need around 50-60ish cocktails to get the 95K at the start of the event if it's x3 LT. But was based on me having 4 cards slots open, my BP avg was around 60-70K at the time, and with card multipliers in my escort deck. I usually get a $40 package if my resources are very limited. It can be less than that if I've got about 30 cocktails in stock, and grind as f2p until the last triple time, then I'll buy a package if needed. The amount might vary based on each players stats though.

Here's a few events we have coming up that you may want to wait for instead:

Ellis & Jude Past Records should be right around the corner. It was released on 2/19/24 on JP, and since it's a collection event they have standard rankings and individual suitor rankings for Ellis & Jude. Iirc, Top 100 individual suitor rankings get a +99 of the CG of either Jude or Ellis that they send hearts to. Additionally, top 200 gets a story of his POV.

Ellis' route hits us simultaneously with IkeVil Festival (Election) which starts a month later. If you want a back-hugging Jude avatar that's also a top 100 individual ranking benefit.

There is a 2 part story event that will start in March-ish. Jude's in part 2 around (April-ish), this is a story event that you get to have the suitor's entire event saved to your memories if you complete both ends of the story (epilogue still needs to be purchased ofc).

And then there should be the True Vow wedding event around May. There are individual rankings and things like marriage certificates from individual suitors, once you've sent them a certain amount of hearts (I think it was 600-800 hearts), the suitors in their wedding suits and, their wedding cards that are also +99 if you get into top 100.

Just food for thought if you need to plan and budget for IkeVil on top of Lnds. I'm so sorrryyyy for the long response dfjgsdlfjlgs.

Love you QUEEN!

[amidstnamjin-and-binchanlix]

how long can you stand the heat || ot7

Warnings: Uhhh, none I think? Non-graphical smut and slight angst, but that's pretty much it for now since I'm still crafting the next part, and some curse words lmao.

I won't control you, but MDNI. This is not for you, please.

Pairings: OT7/(F) Reader, Jackson Wang/(F) Reader

Plot: The one where your soulmates don't want you in their life, so you give them what they want and stay out of their way.

Genre: not really unrequited love (but they're all idiots), mutual pining, angst, denial of feelings, poly ot7

How do you think I'm going to get along

Without you when you're gone?

You took me for everything that I had

And kicked me out on my own.

Are you happy? Are you satisfied?

How long can you stand the heat?

Out of the doorway the bullets rip

To the sound of the beat.

mixtape: all i have left to give - part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - ending 1

I originally posted this on ao3 last April but I've just recently thought, "why not post this on tumblr now that i'm using it again after a few years?"

this fic is v self-serving, and was brought to you by my ✨maladaptive daydreams✨

first fic i posted here. idek what im doing but lezzgawwww

Title obviously came from AOBTD. Thank you, Sir John Deacon. You are heaven-sent for making this iconic and legendary bop.

This will be a part of a multi-fic series and i've already crafted 80/90-ish% of the next part im so sorry my mind isn't cooperating rn

✨️

God must be testing your patience.

I mean sure, you might not also be sure that there is indeed a god out there somewhere. However, you must have pissed off some deity or you had pissed on some old man of the mound. Either way, you don't care. You're pissed off now, too.

You see when they rejected you and asked (read: avoided you like the plague until Sejin spoke with you) not to speak or interact with them, you respected their wishes. It stung, but it's not really surprising.

It's not a secret that the seven of them are soulmates, polyamorous soulbonds not even a rarity in and out of the industry. However, it's also not a secret that they're very exclusive and don't let too many (if any) other people in their circle because of the things they had to endure as a group. It makes sense that they wouldn't want a new person intruding and messing with their dynamics, soulmate or not.

(deep down you want to say it doesn't make sense. you're their soulmate, why can't they accept you like that? but there's still nothing you can do, isn't there?)

And so, you delegated all your tasks related to their group to your most trusted employees completely and avoided them at all costs. And by 'at all costs', you mean everything. You even deleted all their songs on your playlists and blocked them on social media (even on Spotify). You can co-exist with them without interacting, although it makes your chest ache through the bond because of the soul rejection like a 24/7 acid relapse.

It's fine. You can ignore all that. You can handle rejection. You've been used to this since you were a kid; adult you can handle this.

Soul rejection side effects? Nothing meds and doctors can't fix. Technology has never been more advanced and all that jazz.

You're a mature person, and you pride yourself on that. You don't like confrontations that much and would rather step back as much as you can to disengage. If your soulmates don't want anything to do with you, then you'll back off.

But you sometimes wonder if they can feel it too, the soul strings fraying and slowly decaying. After shit went down, it's bouts of nausea and dizziness, and constant chest aches for you. That's not even half of it. It'll take a whole day for you to list all your symptoms.

If they do feel it, does it add to their list of reasons why they hate your existence? You mean, they had been borderline antagonistic since your first meeting, cold but civil at best.

It was a contrast to the way the tiny soul marks on each of your fingers glowed on your first meeting even until after Taehyung and Yoongi fled in what you can guess is disbelief and refusal, the others following suit. The warmth in your hands felt scorching, and you had never wanted to scrub them with water in your life then more than you ever did, your chest beating hard and painfully. You remember feeling like someone slashed your insides with a hot knife, and it has never stopped being in pain ever since.

What else were you supposed to think other than they hate you?

Not wanting to risk another embarrassing conversation with Sejin (bless his heart), you decided to book an appointment and signed up for the relatively new soul-scraping therapy. It's still in its human trial stages and is slowly being recognized as a way of severing soul ties, albeit not approved and sanctioned by the government. Anything to give and honor their wishes. They're your soulmates, and it's innate in you to give people what they want.

(or was it really just that?)

All of that and everything else, you can take. You live and abide by your life motto to stay out of drama, so you take all of it in stride and with dignity because it's all you have left at this point when it comes to them.

This is where you got pissed off, though. This day takes the cake, this sodding party.

Attending the party was certainly not your idea. You're tired from the long-ass meetings you had today—JYP's team asked for a meeting for your agreement with Day6 since Sungjin got discharged a few months ago with Younghyun following suit in a few days. A party is definitely not on your to-do list. If it's up to you, you'll be going home to your phone and fics.

(and if they're bangtan fics, nobody has to know. this, you can let yourself have—you were advised against going cold turkey from them by the doctors handling the soul-scraping therapy, after all. if you can't have them, maybe you can at least indulge in fictional them.)

You have been minding your own business since you arrived at the bar. It's laughable how socially inept you are despite handling your business and meeting the entertainment industry's biggest names and leaders regularly. When being put in parties and other gigs that force you to socialize just for the sake of socializing, you're back to being the fat loser kid that avoided making new friends because the ones you previously had in childhood (if you can really call them that) can't understand how your brain and mouth work. Frankly, you don't, too, so you just preferred to stay in one corner until it's socially acceptable to go home.

"Hey." Jackson squeezes your hand in his and smiles worriedly at you. "You doing okay?"

Jackson had been a long-time friend and is someone you trust your whole life with. Jackson had seen you through your bests and worsts, but had never once turned his back on you or betrayed you as many people did.

Yeah, you would trust him with your whole life. Your panties too, but don't tell him that.

(there's no need to because he knows; he did lots of times before, with his face between your thighs and your undies in his pocket.)

"I'm good." You don't even bother smiling, knowing it won't convince him too much. He knows your stand on parties; you're his polar opposite, after all. "I just really wanna go home."

"Can I come with?" he asks with a salacious smile.

You roll your eyes.

"Stop being horny for five minutes, please."

"You shouldn't have worn that dress, then." He rakes you with an assessing look. "On second thought, that's the best decision you did tonight so far. If you're not going home with anyone tonight, my room's open."

"You up to be my wingman?" you ask.

"Sure. I'll sit with you all night so we can look like a swinger couple scouting for a third we can take home." He waggles his eyebrows.

You snort at that with an amused chuckle, oblivious to the glare(s) directed your way by—who else?—your soulmates.

They (Taehyung) heard from Manager Sejin and Noona Ae-cha that you're not sure if you can come. They didn't know why the two were talking about you, but Taehyung tried to act immersed in his phone while eavesdropping.

Apparently, you had been stuck in the boardroom almost all day with the back-to-back meetings, and you even had to cancel your doctor's appointment. For what the appointment is for, he didn't know. It explains your absence that day, and he files the information away at the back of his head. He can't for the life of him understand why he can't stop trying to spot crumbs about you.

(he does know, but he's in denial about why—and he'll deny both.)

He then told his hyungs and Jungkook, which they just nodded at, seemingly uninterested. But if Namjoon's faraway serious look at times is anything to go by or the way Jimin picks at the skin on his lips as he's lost in thought, he's pretty sure they are also subtly trying to figure out if you're coming.

(but they'll all deny that if asked.)

They haven't seen you that much since they started actively avoiding you months ago and shut down whatever soul link you have with them, and you are damn good at trying to stay out of their way.

It surprised them, they're not gonna lie. They expected you to put up a fight, but all Manager Sejin told them was that you agreed. You never interacted with them ever since unless it was really needed, and you were always wearing your rings and not making unnecessary eye contact even once.

(and that somehow pisses them off and itches under their skin because how dare you not be interested?)

And now you've been here for the past hour or so, Jackson Wang in tow. Or rather, Jackson has his arms alternately snaked around yours or slung around your shoulders. It makes Jackson look like a frat douchebag.

(and it makes taehyung look jealous and interested in you which he is so not, no.)

Hoseok was the first one to spot you arriving, Another One Bites The Dust thumping through the dancefloor that was bathed in red lights. He nudges Namjoon from his seat in their secluded and swanky VIP room that was separated one floor above the bar proper.

"There she is", he says then, gesturing towards you as all seven pairs of eyes land on you as you enter with Jackson. "She's with Wang."

With varying levels of internal turmoil, they all watch as Jackson led you through the throngs of people, presumably to another room like theirs. They see you shake your head and point to the bar, and Jackson's face light up with a wide smile before redirecting your steps.

Yoongi asks himself why you have to wear that dress or why Jackson has to clutch at your hands like a little kid, the others having a similar train of thought. Does Jackson think he's going to be lost in this bar? Is he that plain stupid to be lost in this bar, really?

And why are you letting him?

Jimin tries not to let his eyes wander on your legs, tries not to let his mind wander back to the thought of being choked by your thick supple legs and ripping that off-shoulder dress off you and—

Oh. Woah, there.

Stop it! he thinks to himself and shakes his head.

(this is not the first time he's thought of this, darling. when he first saw those smooth and lovely-looking plump thighs, he knows he was fucked.)

Jin is no better, but he hides it better than the others. After all, it was not his idea to shut you out like that. He was opposed to it and tried to talk some sense into the others, but they didn't listen. He thought back then that Namjoon would at least be reasonable and give you a shot but nooo, the kid was stupid enough to listen to others.

Let them have what they want, then.

(he can feel the pit and longing in his chest some nights and thinks that maybe he can let the others do what they want but still do what he wants too. but he takes a look at the six men who had been there for him through thick and thin, and he can't lose them. he sends you an apology mentally, hoping you can at least feel it through the bond.)

"Calm down," Jin tells them levelly, trying to pry the glass off Namjoon's hand, lest he crushes it and injures himself. "You're crushing the poor thing, Joonie. Don't wanna end up in the ER, do you?"

Jackson's the one to end up in the ER if he doesn't unwrap his arms from your shoulders, that's who, Namjoon thinks to himself bitterly before he can stop himself.

Jin leans back on his seat and watches as you laugh with Jackson, arms slung around your shoulders as the latter listens to you talk. They all wouldn't have to seethe in barely contained anger if they just listened to him though, so who's at fault here?

Aish, these brats.

"I'm going to get more drinks," Jungkook suddenly says, disentangling himself from Taehyung fluidly.

"You can just ask them," Namjoon says, pointing towards the glass doors where their security detail is posed out of the room. "There's no need to go out."

"I'm going to get more drinks," Jungkook repeats firmly, ignoring him. Namjoon's jaw clenches. "Come help me, Jin-hyung?"

Ah, this conniving brat. Jin wants to kiss his pouty lips for this.

"Sure," Jin says easily, much to Namjoon's annoyance. He pats Namjoon's cheeks gently. "No breaking the glass, Joon-ah. We have a photoshoot tomorrow."

He pulls Jungkook out of the room before any of them can disagree further. He loops his arm around Jungkook's petite waist, nodding once to the man stationed at the door.

"You're not just getting drinks at you, aren't you?" Jin asks as they descend the steps.

"I don't know what you're talking about, hyung." Jungkook's smile is sharp. "I just don't wanna get roofied and end up on the tabloids tomorrow, is all."

"You don't have to lie to me," Jin says, kissing his hair. "I wanna see her, too."

Jungkook's smile turns sad at that.

"I just don't understand. [Name]-noona seems like a nice person. They're all being stupid."

Jin has to agree. "But you know why we have to, right? I don't like it, too, but we have no choice."

"But we do!" Jungkook insists. "We can be friends, even."

"Friends don't fuck friends." Jungkook snorts at that. "There's nothing 'friends' about wanting her with us, Jungkook."

"Friends don't fuck friends, my ass," Jungkook mumble mockingly. "That didn't stop Jackson-hyung at all."

Jin stops momentarily, pulling Jungkook to a stop. "Excuse me?"

"They were having sex last week, hyung. When Jackson-hyung came over last Wednesday."

"Was that why...?"

"Yeah." Jungkook takes his hand as they walk again. "I felt it through the strings, too."

Jungkook is suspiciously not meeting his eyes.

"Jungkook-ah."

"What?" he asks innocently. Jin's lips pull into a smirk.

"You naughty cat!"

"I—what? No!" but Jungkook is still not meeting his eyes. "I didn't watch them."

Jin gasps delightedly.

"This is so much better. I didn't even say anything yet!"

Ah, fuck.

In Jungkook's defense, he hadn't meant to listen in. But he had been on his way back to the practice room from relieving his screaming bladder when he heard it. The warmth and arousal that was definitely not his he had been ignoring since that lunchtime was not helping his curiosity.

"Ah!" And oh shit, it's someone moaning and it's you.

That explains the arousal he's been feeling. Oh, and the jealousy now (his), too.

"Yeah?" A deeper voice asked breathlessly. Another punched-out moan from you, and the arousal flares in his chest.

Yup. It's definitely his this time.

"Jackson, please," your equally breathless voice pleaded, and the sound shot to his cock. Jungkook had to stop his hand from going south inside his pants and boxers.

A delighted shriek and breathless laugh, followed by a staccato of 'ah ah ah's and hips slapping against each other punctuated the otherwise silent afternoon he was having.

And what would a self-respecting man do?

Stay and listen to you get railed six ways to Sunday, was what he did.

(jungkook didn't say he's a self-respecting man.)

Jungkook slipped his hand inside his pants and boxers and wrapped his hand around his aching cock. He almost moaned at how your moans quickly reached a whole other level of desperation. He wondered and tried to imagine how you would feel around him if he fucked you harder and deeper than Jackson possibly can.

He knows he can.

"Hands, Jackson." There was a chuckle, then your whine was heard. "Baobei, please."

Jungkook heard Jackson's sharp intake of breath, and he had to internally agree. Even speaking Mandarin, you sound so hot.

He heard you mewl with a choked giggle as the sounds of hips to hips got faster.

"You really like my hands, huh?" Jackson asked.

"Mhm. Want them wrapped around my—ah!—neck all the time."

Fuck.

Jungkook had to bite onto his hands as he came, so as not to give his position away, cock spurting on his hands,. Seconds later and he heard you cry out and Jackson grunt to completion.

So, no. He definitely didn't watch.

"You nasty, nasty boy!" Jin cackles at him and he wants to pout. "You listened in to them having sex?!"

"Hyung!" Jungkook hisses. "Not too loud."

Jin snickers at him, mouth pulled in a tempting smirk he wants to kiss. "Was it good?"

"Hyung," he whines. At Jin's unfaltering smirk, he sighs. "It was. She sounds so good, hyung. I can't take it off my mind."

"Maybe later, we can do something about that." Jin says with a low hum.

He peers at Jin's eyes and almost shudders at the dark and hungry look in them. Jin squeezes his waist, and it takes Jungkook's breath away.

In his silence, Jin nods with a hum.

"Hm, definitely later."

He won't say no to that. If they can't have you, Jungkook's gonna take what he can get, even if it means settling on replaying your moans in his head.

When they reach the bar, you are still sitting at the other end with Jackson. They are careful not to be seen by you or you'll probably leave like you always do when they get within your 10-foot vicinity.

Then Jackson puts his hand on your slightly exposed leg. He feels the others' jealousy through the bond first before he feels his own, and he sees you stiffen in your seat.

Hyungs!

Jungkook quickly looks away, but not before Jackson catches his gaze. He completely misses the way Jackson's mouth pulls into a quick smirk as their drinks are thankfully served at that exact moment.

"Wanna head back to your place?"

You're unexpectedly suddenly close, and it's like Jackson wants him and Jin to hear to rile them up. It works, and he can barely tamp down the urge to pour the drinks over Jackson's big head, being older be damned.

"Sure. I'll just swing by the restroom." You say as you walk away. Jin and Jungkook take that as their cue to go back to their ritzy room.

"That was short," Jin says tightly as they go back. "Was it you?"

Jungkook shakes his head.

Jin's lips quirk into an amused smile.

"Ah, jealous bastards."

"Weren't you too, though?" Jungkook asks with a slightly amused smile of his own. "That was... that was intense."

"That serves them," Jin says as they near the room. "If they weren't just pigheaded, it's my shoulders her legs are gonna be hanging from later."

"Jin-hyung!" Jungkoo huffs, but then deflates. "Yeah."

"Don't worry, we still have later," Jin says with a lascivious smirk.

And he can't complain about that, can he?

"Where's Tae-hyung?" he asks when they enter the room, Taehyung nowhere in sight.

"Went out. Didn't say where." Hoseok says as he accepts their drinks and puts the tray on the table. It takes a few seconds for him to piece it all together, and he mentally facepalms.

"Whatever happened to 'not giving a fuck' about [Name]?" he mumbles.

"Jungkook," Namjoon warns.

It sets him off.

"What? Are you all really going to keep on pretending? You do realize I felt that back there too, right?" he shoots back.

"So the drinks were just a ruse?" Namjoon's face is stormy.

Jungkook holds his gaze steady. "And what if it was? You all know what I felt about this since day one."

"Kook-ah." It's Jimin this time. "Not now, please."

"And when, hyung? When we go back to just pretending an eighth of our soul doesn't exist out there?"

"Jungkook."

He glares at Yoongi. "No, hyung. If you all want to be stupid, I don't! [Name]-noona is going through therapy because of this, don't you know?"

Yoongi scoffs. "She's a big girl, she can handle herself."

"Not soul-scraping therapy, she won't."

They all stop at that. Even Jungkook stops and internally curses.

Fuck, he wasn't supposed to say that.

"What did you say?" Namjoon's voice takes on a dangerous tone.

He huffs but stays silent, not really wanting to dig a deeper hole for himself.

"Jungkook."

"I talked to Jiho-hyung, okay? I bumped into him five months ago when he visited her."

Silence.

"Im Jiho?" At Jungkook's nod, Namjoon's frown deepened. "I didn't know he practices soul-scraping."

"He's co-authoring the soul-scraping study with Doctor Seong."

At the mention of one of their previous soul health doctors, Yoongi raises his eyebrows.

"Our Doctor Seong?"

Jungkook nods with a sigh, plopping down beside Hoseok. "Apparently, it's why he stopped private practice—to focus on the studies. They're also lobbying for fully legalizing soul-scraping in the Assembly. I ran into him, and he mentioned that he was there for noona's side effects from the therapy."

Side effects?

Shit.

"W-wait. Five months, you said?" Jin says with a tremble in his voice. "Is that why I can barely feel her anymore?"

Jungkook's sigh is pained, forlorn. "Apparently, yeah."

They all lapse in complete silence after that, the thumping of the beat on the dancefloor faint through the walls.

"Fuck."

Indeed.

It is then that Taehyung comes back. He takes one look at their varying degrees of solemn and stunned expressions and tilts his head.

"What? What happened?" he asks.

"[Name]..."

Taehyung's eyes widen before his expression smooths into indifference.

"I told you, I'm no—"

"That's not it," Jimin says softly. "She's in soul-scraping therapy, Taehyung-ah."

...

"What?"

(oh, lord. you don't know the turmoil you caused all these pining idiots, darling.)

---

And what about you?

As we said in the beginning, god must be testing your patience.

"Hey," Jackson says softly. He lifts your chin with a gentle smile long after Taehyung fucked off to god knows where. "You good, baobei?"

You didn't even know they were here. You were vaguely aware that yeah, they might be, but it totally slipped your mind. Meetings really did drain your brain.

When you stood up and went to the restroom while Jackson called for the driver, you didn't know that Taehyung was watching you from their room and completely high-tailed it from there just to intercept you when he saw you stand up from the corner of the bar. You didn't know why, but his stupid drunken ass just decided it wanted and it was a good idea to rile you up.

To piss you off is why, you think.

When you exited the ladies' room, Taehyung was standing there by the wall looking lethal. The ache in your chest flared up for two different reasons, but you ignored it. You ignored him and started walking away, pretending you didn't see him.

"So you're really here."

Seriously?

You continued ignoring him and walked on, but he didn't let you get far.

He grabs your wrist. "I said, you're really here."

The spot where he held you burned and you hissed, cursing the therapy's side effects. You were warned that coming in contact skin-to-skin with your soulmates while undergoing the therapy would feel painful (literally), but you didn't heed it then. You had no reason to touch them after all when they didn't even want to see you.

But it is painful, and it burns.

You yanked your wrist away, hiding your wrist behind your back. There's no need for that, though. Taehyung was looking at your face intently.

"Yes, and I was just leaving. See you around, T—"

"With Jackson?"

What's it with this guy?

You looked back at him and squared your shoulders up. "That's really none of your business, Taehyung."

He laughed with a sneer, shaking his head.

"What would people say if they knew you're off gallivanting with men who aren't your soulmate?"

Wow.

The nerve of this asshole.

You can't let him see it affect you though, so you tilt your head with an innocent smile.

"I'm just a nobody. Why would they talk about me? " You smirked in amusement. "I don't think it'll be me they will talk about since I wasn't the one who rejected my soulmate, was I?"

And oh, shit. Where did that come from, [Name]? Feisty.

"And I'm not doing anything illegal. Why should I be scared?" You slightly lean back and tilt your chin up. "I'm not the one between us with a reputation to uphold, a name I should protect."

You paused, a serene smile on your face.

"I'm not a coward. I'm not you, Taehyung"

The smirk on his lips was replaced with a sharp look of disdain, almost like he wants to slap the smile off your face.

(he wants to, darling. trust me. just not in the way you think.)

You knew you hit a nerve and it feels petty and mean, but it's nothing compared to the loneliness and pain they gave you these past few months. It felt satisfying, even if for just a bit.

"You really think you're all that, don't you?" He smiled almost mockingly. "Tell me, how does it feel to be rejected?"

That really stung and angered you, but you've spent all your life hiding your emotions when needed to. Your expression didn't falter.

"It feels good—"

"—because she dodged a bullet."

You internally sighed in relief as Jackson's voice float behind you. You'll forever be thankful for this man's existence, gods or not.

You melt in his arms when he wrapped them around your waist. You chanced a look at Jackson, not seeing the twitch on Taehyung's brows at your body language.

"You really think you're all that, don't you?" Jackson mocked back at him. "Imagine thinking it's the end of the world for your soulmate just because you shut down their bond." Jackson chuckled ruthlessly.

"You're pathetic, Taehyung-ssi."

The two were locked in a glowering match before Taehyung straightened up and spun on his heel without a word.

Jackson let you get your bearings by the wall of the hallway to the ladies' room in silence. But he didn't let you stew in your thoughts for long.

So now here you are, looking at his gentle eyes.

"You good, baobei?"

You don't know how to answer that really, so you pull him by the collar into a searing kiss.

He puts his hand on your waist, the other on the wall by your face, and you tighten your hold on his collar.

You pull away to gasp for air.

"Take me home," you exhale heavily as you lean your head on his shoulder. "Take me home and fuck me 'til I forget, or I might do something stupid."

Jackson's sharp intake of air is your answer before he pulls you away to your awaiting car outside the club.

---

feedback (constructive, please don't be too rude bc i'll cry) and kudos very much appreciated!

[idontlikeem]

i'm feeling sad and adrift and want to write about it a little. you do not need to read this, especially if you're the type of person who uses personal stuff to send nasty asks. you may simply keep scrolling. better yet unfollow me entirely.

this is really long and it talks about all the usual shit i whine about on here, so don't click through if that stuff is going to be upsetting to you.

i've been thinking recently about cause and effect. or, really more accurately, the ripple effect. how one thing can happen and it causes so many other things, impacts so many other things, and for way longer than you might think it would.

i have always been a confident person. some of that was nature, but a lot of it was nurture—i have excellent parents who raised me to be sure of myself and unafraid to be my own best advocate, who encouraged me to recognize my strengths without feeling shamed for acknowledging what i'm good at while also working on my weaknesses without feeling guilt for having them at all. it's gotten me pretty far in life. it's helped me get jobs and make friends and put myself out there. it's also something you do have to work at to maintain, because setbacks or times when it doesn't work out can give your sense of confidence a blow—so it's not just having the confidence, it's learning how to keep it, how to bounce back when something not-so-great happens.

something's happened to me over the last two-ish years, though. i know why, but as it turns out recognizing the source of an issue doesn't always let you avoid it. you can't always logic your way out of the ripples.

so, i got divorced in fall of 2022. i got married in 2019. we'd been together since 2013ish. you probably know that already if you've been following me for a while, i've brought it up before. it was a good thing—the relationship wasn't good for a long time, he was not good to me. obviously there were issues on my end too because very rarely does a relationship fall apart simply because of one person, but i think it's safe to say that the majority of the fault doesn't lie with me.

it being a good thing long-term doesn't help all that much with the fallout, unfortunately.

it was a challenging 18 months. i got divorced in fall 2022, lost my job (through no fault of my own, there were company-wide layoffs and my entire team lost their jobs too) in summer 2023, and my mom died after a long and traumatic battle with cancer in february 2024. it was hit after hit after hit, and i've spent a lot of the last 2 years feeling like i'm barely clinging on by my fingernails. but as horrid as the layoff and my mom dying were (and they WERE horrible, it should go without saying), i am not sure either of them have impacted who i am as much as getting divorced did.

i was with my mom when she died. i cry about it every day. i frequently have flashbacks—literal waking visions—where i'm doing something banal, typing at work or shampooing my hair, and suddenly it's like i'm back in her room holding her hand as she took her last breath. it's not good for me mentally. it's a devastating memory to carry. and yet.

death is a part of life. deaths like that are terrible and unfair, but it happens. everyone's parents die; if you're lucky it's much later than what happened to my mom, but that's out of your control. and i still have memories of my mom, i have the letter she wrote me and the cards she sent and a tattoo on my arm reminding me of how much she loved me. i have the rest of my family who remembers her too, and her friends who tell me that there's a part of her in me, keeping her alive.

the divorce, though? jesus, what a fucking failure it's made me feel like.

i mean, at its core, a divorce IS a failure, right? a failure of a relationship. it's not inaccurate to say that. you did paperwork, said vows, whatever, all to say that you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, and then you just...aren't anymore. it is, undeniably, a failure.

what they don't tell you is how much it makes you feel like you yourself are one, too.

objectively, i have a good life. i have a well-paying job that i'm good at, an apartment of my own, a dog i take care of, friends, a family. on its surface i'm doing pretty well for myself even amidst the dystopia we're careening for. so what's the issue, right? so what that you don't have your spouse anymore.

it's really hard to explain, to be honest. i don't have any friends who have gotten divorced. and the friends i have who have been through breakups tell me they understand how i feel, but...they don't. i've also broken up with long-term relationships before, and the difference between those and this is absolutely night and day.

that was my husband. we were married. i did everything in my power to be a good wife, and at the end of the day he chose alcohol and cruelty and the desire to be sexually coercive over me. he chose being able to stay up playing video games until 4am while drinking 12+ beers alone every other night over waking up at a reasonable time and pulling his weight around the house and spending time with me. he chose watching porn and attempting to replicate that on my body, and then when my desire for him tanked for all of the above reasons but also because i didn't feel valued or loved and didn't appreciate being treated like a human fleshlight, he chose berating me, getting confrontational, and insults. i can still hear his voice telling me that he thought i was too fat to be attractive anymore, and that was probably seven years ago now. it echoes in my head every time i look at myself in the mirror.

so that means something is wrong with ME, right? something in me is broken. why else would someone i was married to turn so cruel, so awful. i mean, if he was like that from the beginning, i wouldn't have married him, so clearly something about me turned him into that. even his therapist said his drinking was my fault. at least, that's what he told me she said—i don't actually know.

there are things that people can say to you that don't leave. little words that fall into the pond and they're still there, rippling outward, a decade later. actions people take stick around like phantoms. the way he used to lunge at me while screaming in my face about...i don't even know what it was, the topic of the agreement has disappeared, but the way he slammed his hand next to my arm on my desk and was practically spitting he was so angry lives next to me whenever i hear a man yelling. the way he screamed at me while we were waiting for a taxi and ripped my bag out of my arm, practically shoving me into the street, because he decided to go do shots with the bartender on our architecture cruise instead of looking at the city with me—the embarrassment that came with the hotel valet near where we were waiting coming over to ask if i was ok because of what he was doing—i think about that weekly.

he always told me it was my fault. i wasn't hot enough. i didn't have sex with him enough. i nagged him too much to do chores, and then when he DID do chores i didn't reward him with sex. i wouldn't let him read my journals. i wasn't reacting to my mother's slow death the way he thought i should. it wasn't fair that i expected him to pay his share, that i'd get upset when he took stuff i bought for myself and consumed it, or ruined it, or broke it. why are you upset at me for getting paint stains on the table your now-dead grandfather made for you? who cares?

if i communicated nicely, it was ignored. if i lost my temper and yelled, it was mocked and escalated. nothing i did was right. and that's the key isn't it? nothing i did.

the marriage is over now. i haven't communicated with him in any fashion in almost a year, and the last time was an email telling him that no i would not allow him to see my dog. he's tried to add me on social media pretty consistently since then, but i just delete. you'd think it would be a relief, right? i'm out of where we lived when we were married, i have a whole new job, a whole new life...things are better, aren't they?

fresh starts help, it's true. it's easier now that i don't have anything around me that reminds me of him (except my wedding dress in my storage unit—idk what the fuck to do with that). but the scars linger.

according to him, i was a bad wife. according to him, everything was my fault. and in the end, it wasn't even me that ended things—it was him. i didn't even have the ability to get myself out of there.

it was a failure. i was a failure. it's how i feel, all the time.

and it's made me CRIPPLINGLY insecure.

i am insecure in my friendships even though i try not to let it show. i am insecure in what i used to enjoy in my free time because it feels embarrassing and lame and like a waste of time. i am insecure financially because part of the way i coped with my 18 months of hell was over-spending—i'm working my way out of it but the debt i have weighs on me because, come on, shouldn't i know better? shouldn't i be able to figure it out?

i feel slights much, much more keenly now. it used to be that i could brush off people being rude or thoughtless with me, but i can't anymore. i notice, and it stays.

i hate it. i hate feeling this way. i hate noticing all the ways i'm disposable to so many people i value. i hate that i can't just let stuff go. i hate that i feel so clingy and needy and dependent on external validation to have any positive sense of self. it sucks. and i never used to be this way! not ever! not for any second of my life before this was i someone who needed propping-up to this extent!

and i hate writing this because there is at least one person who i know will read this and feel bad and try to overcompensate. you know who you are. please don't. i don't want to feel like a burden, and i feel bad when my feelings make people feel bad.

i don't even know where i'm going here. i don't know how to end this. there are no conclusions to be drawn, and no easy answers, because while some of this is in my head, i know there's a lot that isn't.

i feel like a bad person, a disappointment. i feel like an unloveable, unlikeable person. i feel like i've totally lost my sense of self; i don't know who i am anymore. there's a huge part of who i was as a person—the desire for intimacy, to put it delicately—that's entirely evaporated and even two years later hasn't returned, and i'm not sure it ever will. it feels stolen. i am constantly convinced that the people i talk to don't want to talk to me, especially when they're careless with my feelings, even unintentionally. and probably it’s all my fault. i am not worth being careful with.

all because i said yes to a date with someone over a decade ago and proceeded to fail the relationship spectacularly. fucking hell, right?

[nangmaiba]

Nathan James

7 17 2015

The most Scariest and Blessed day of my life so far.

I have never been so scared in my entire life until that day came. I’ll tell the whole story here on tumblr.

My due date was on the July 15th of the year 2015. 2 weeks before the due date, my awesome OB performed and IE and told me that I should walk at least 200m to 500m a day to avoid a cesarean section. So on those past few days before due date, I managed to walk to some parts of our village and completed what the ob said.

On our second to the last appointment, I was still 2cm dilated, our ob said after the IE. Still in dismay, I asked questions on how to resolve the problem and might want other plans just in case. She said that we still have our last week to adhere to the parameters needed to have a Normal delivery. If it didn’t work, she’ll have to induce the labor to avoid stress to the baby. Also she saw some white-ish particles in the ultrasound (white ink on the ultrasound is what you can see on the ultrasound like the baby, some particles and other thing-y, and the black ink particles there is the water.) It could be the baby’s poop or the water level is too thick. (The water is too mature and starting to degrade *not a healthy sign when the baby is still inside*)

Then the next day, I started to walk twice the length of the first prescription. Then the last check up came. It was July 15, 2015. OB performed IE and still, i was still 2 cm dilated. I am expecting that I am at least 4-5 cm dilated. I was so disappointed that day.

Then, our OB gave us a choice to wait for a week or to perform an Induced Labor the next day pronto. We decided to get the baby out the next day. I arranged my things, phone, towel and the baby bag.

On July 16, 2015, Me and The Husband went to the hospital. We filled up the sheets and all, while I’m still waiting for my natural labor to come. After 2-3 hours, the nurse put on an IV on me. I can’t remember what it is I think Oxytocin. My sister came and she’s all out support. (goodie)

I was hungry so Hubs went to buy noodles. Then My OB came and said I can’t eat anymore due to the IV. ughhh. Fast forward, I was being induced that moment. It was 4:00 pm. I was transferred to the 2nd floor. where the labor room, operating room, and the nursery/NICU room are. Then there’s so many nurses and I was still in bed. Then they transferred me to another wheeled bed and I waited for like an hour outside the rooms. I can’t feel any pain. Then, they attached some things on my Belly. It’s a machine that can monitor your contractions. 

It’s like a lie detector test but attached to my belly. Once the thin needle draw earthquake like readings, I just felt some tingling sensation. Then they said, that’s it, it’s a contraction! But I said, is that it? I mean it’s not painful at all. They said, I have a strong pain tolerance. Other mum’s out there felt that painful enough to push. (I felt those tingling sensations 1 and a half weeks prior to this scenario so I guess i was unconsciously having contractions for like 1 and a half weeks until this. :> )

Next thing I know I was transferred again to another room, the Labor room where I had to be induced until the next morning. That whole day was a tiring day since you've haven't had any food, when I was inside the room, that's where all the pain started. The contractions are getting bigger and stronger and longer to the point that I'm making painful gestures with all the wires attache to me and my belly because of the IV Drip. I took a photo of my belly dull of stretch marks to ease the pain. The contractions were a 5-10minute apart. And the nurses are always there, friendly and always checking on me. They even turned off the lights so that I could sleep.

The next day came, July 17, 2015 5am and no progress yet. Still 2cm dilated. Oh by the way, I had 2 female nurses and 1 male nurse which is very friendly and all out support on me too since he knew my sister, he was always on my call. So glad! If it wasn't for him our bills had started to sky-rocket! He said it's the nurses' prerogative to check for the used meds and all but this male nurse, he came into conclusion that I wasn't even in the OR yet and still inside the Labor Room which is BTW has minimal charge unlike if I was staying in the hospital room sooo, yep, good point nurse!

Also, since I haven't eaten anything since yesterday, he said, he will give me food(thank you po lord) but it's our(and the female nurses) secret coz we're not allowed to eat in here. Lol

The monde's mamon and 1 skyflakes pack is all I got to munch on but nonetheless, it sufficed.

Then every 5 mins of all the hours remaining until 6pm in the afternoon is painful since the ob said we need to add dosage to the IV so that I could be in total-labor. That's a total bummer.

3pm, I saw a woman on a hospital bed i think she's injected with anesthesia and the sleeping drug already since she's very calm and she was just on the room for like 5minutes and after that, she went straight to the OR and then performed scheduled C-section. After about 2-3 hours, she was on the labor room again and she's groggy due to the operation.

(I think much better to go with the scheduled one so you wouldn’t endure the pain of an induced one, still, the choice is yours!)

Fast forward, I was very stressed due to the contractions and I haven't eaten anything yet since yesterday and I was all alone in the room without the husband nor the sister. We just communicate through texts.

6:10pm the ob came and said it's time to do the inevitable.

***Cesarean-section***

so I was in labor for a total of 24 hours plus+++++. 😭

I was very nervous that time. So many what if's and all. Someone gave me papers to sign for the approval of doing the c-Section procedure. And then they proceeded to put me into the Operating room. Hubby isn’t allowed at the OR idk why I think, hispital rules? The nurses transferred me to a cross like operating bed and waited for the anesthesiologist to inject some on my spine.

They said this part was a very painful one but It doesn't friggin' hurt. I think i just felt an ant bite on my back but it doesn't really hurt. I think I just had the best anesthesiologist in town.(and a pricey one too 😂)

Anyways after that it immediately spread unto the lower part if my body until the ob came and she said to fasten my arms to the crossed➕ bed and they're checking on my bp. I had High BP that time since I was very nervous. And the aircon was on my feet. Its very cold and I dont know what to expect. Also the very unexpected shoulder dance! After they injected some med on the IV, My shoulders started to shudder like crazy! It’s like I was limbo rocking in the OR ofc without any prizes and consolations. The doctors inside told me it was perfectly normal. But wth I didn’t know about and didn’t signed up for that. LOL—

Anyways, we waited for my bp to low down until the ob sent the go signal.

This time They put a green barrier on my chest and lower stomach so i can't see how they slice up my belly.

Then the ob asked what would be the type of cut I want, bikini or normal cut, she said it doesn't have a difference in terms of the price since it's always up to the doctors to put their price tag on that, so I said, “Okay Doc, Bikini Cut!”

Then she started. They were chatting while cutting me! They’re like conyo and laughing but I don’t mind, it eases my mind and their conversation felt comfortable, they’re also chatting with me a little (para mapa-kalma ako) the anesthesiologist and my ob. And then after 20 minutes or so, she said,

“Oh, that's why he hasn't gone down on you because he's had two umbilical cord on his neck!”

2 rounds of umbilical cord on his neck?!—

When I heard that, I was like, WTF! You wanna die even before you're born? Lol Anyways. I was shocked and at the same time grateful to my ob since she didn't hesitate to decide on doing the procedure later.

The I heard him crying! Goodness gracious! It was a very tearful moment but I didn't cry. Lol he was put on my chest and unto my breast to start latching but I dunno he can't but whatevs. (We did delay cord-clamping, best decision ever)

After that the anesthesiologist came and put on the sleeping drug so that they can continue to the operation and stitched my belly back.

After 1 minute, I was very sleepy and blacked out for realzz. The moment I woke up I was in the Labor room already and the pedia checked on me and told me my baby was on the NICU and my husband was with the baby and all things doctor-ish that I can't totally remember because I was friggin groggy. Then after that I passed out again, I was then transferred to my room at about 10pm that day and I can't stand nor put my upper body up because it's so painful and the doctor advised me not to get up yet.

When the baby's there, I can’t see him kasi the cot is high so I got my phone and took a picture of him while laying on the bed. Lol.

But this momma is pasaway so she got up and tried to breastfeed the bear, hence the photo below:

Anyways. That's it!

Welcome to the cruel world with your crazy yet awesome pair of parents,

Nathan James!

—