#if you're a mutual reading this

[darling-to-death]

Venting... :'(

I miss being horny online... :'( I still love all my mutuals I made through Degrees of Lewdity so much. But I cant' really engage in that content anymore, because of Catholic guilt.

It's not like I regret becoming a Catholic. It's honestly one of the only things keeping me alive right now... (You know that meme. "Has life ever been so hard you turned to religion? That's meeeeee.) But I did sort of lose a big hobby I used to have.

It might be wierd to call smut reading a hobby, but it wasn't just for sexual gratification or masturbation. I mean, that was a huge part don't get me wrong, but I feel like especially with erotica (as opposed to visual pornography) that's often a lot more to it than just the horny parts.

DOL had a really interesting lore and characters built up. They weren't just sex objects. They were people with pasts and desires, and I was constantly overjoyed seeing all the creativity the fandom produced! Some of the most lovely OCs and fanarts and fanfictions I've ever seen come from that fandom. They were amazing character studies and lore analysis, and I'm sad I had to lose all of that...

I made friends and mutuals, because we both liked freaky dubcon stuff and art. Taboo subjects are a really quick way to bond over things, because there's already a level of intimacy and understanding people share over something others would find repulsive.

I miss making PC comics with Penelope... I miss reblogging smutty headcanons. I miss talking to people whose company I really treasure.

It's getting to the point that I even feel guilty reblogging sfw art or writing about smutty things. Because ultimately, is that not endorsing more smut? If I reblog it, does that not encourage someone to look up smut? I mean, I got into DOL because of some beautiful sfw fanart. Am I causing other's to sin? Even if they don't agree with me it's a sin, am I still doing something bad? Am I a millstone around some stranger's neck...?

It's just a lot to grapple with, but most of all I'm just lonely. I don't have that many friends IRL, and fandom has long been a space lonely people find community. Most of the other fandoms I'm in are either too big or too dead to find mutuals to talk to. DOL was a very special place for me, especially after I had a falling out with my best friend of six years. I had no one, and the community was there for me. Every little reblog or DM or ask made me so happy to have someone to talk to and interact with. Does that sound pathetic? I don't know.

I love you all so much. I'm sorry I can't be fun like I used to be.

[mortalityplays]

there are two people I've been following online for more than a decade, for what were originally work (small press) related reasons and are now a study in the effects of ageing on the brain. it's kind of incredible how some people who were curious and vital and witty in their 20s just slalomed downhill into beefbrain somewhere in their late 30s and never recovered. I can see them still engaging with cultural conversations as if the parameters haven't shifted since like 2012, as if the same takes from the iraq war are still well informed and incisive, leading the charge of some nebulous half-hearted paradigm shift that never happened.

It's exactly the way certain people in my parents' generation were perpetually stuck in the social and economic climate of the 80s, and would get incredibly pissy if you tried to tell them no you can't start a 40 year career by walking into the mailroom and asking for a job any more, you can't support two people on a single salary, live arts grants are dead. idk what the factor is that makes some people do this. is it comfort? settling down in a niche and ceasing to look beyond it? something in the personality? a genetic predisposition? something to do with brain plasticity? idk. sad. I plan to be one of the 60+ year old freak gays I knew growing up who flitted around the arts scene like bats and taught me to drink bitter, swear nasty and read poetry right.

[dimpletheheck]

So this happened earlier...

Here's a lil comic depicting an interaction between my mom and I like an hour ago. enjoy!

It's getting more and more difficult to not tell her😭💕💖

[noxious-fennec]

A redraw of an old thing because exam season is the only time i get creative energy ig

[residentialsinyomakai]

I was tagged by the wonderful @jqmon ! Thank youuuu and here I go;

Favorite color: Purple, navy blue, and neons in general! They're pretty nice and can stand against a black background.

Last song i listened to: I have just had a random playlist on right now actually, but I think its called A Mask of my Own Face by Lemon Demon!

Currently Reading: "Camouflage of Great Reknown" by RatCandy! Again AUGH i love this fic Zote is me and i am Zote. Anyways, I would go on a tangent about that but this shouldn't drone on longer than my usual ramblings wahahazzzzz Also, "To Kill a Mocking Bird" By Harper Lee.

Currently watching/rewatching: "Yokai Watch!" and "Brave the Animated Series!" I've watched the latter almost 17 times in counting now aodjoeod, it's one of my faves that rivals Yokai Watch (which is pretty impressive if you know me!)

Want to watch/rewatch: "Yo-kai Watch" (OG), "Good Omens", "The Good Place", the new TMNT show and "ROTTMNT"! Quite the list but y'know =u=.

Currently craving: What I would do for some tiramisu right now...

Coffee or Tea: Same as prev, I like em both! I do like them like my chocolate though; a little more on the bitter side!

Hobbies in Mind: Drawing (digital and traditional), singing, playing videos games, and general crafts. I'd try to make anything once ○°w°○ wwwww.

Current AU: I have an unnamed Yokai Watch AU featuring my sona/character Caspian! I like making random stuff for it but I don't have a post or anything on it yet tho aifkoeod. Not to say I haven't fleshed some of it out or come up with a plot+official refs rho! (Fun fact if you've seen some of my posts; the yokai redesigns I showed yall a while ago were mostly just an excuse to show you the AU versions wwwww^) That, and a little personal world thing with two irls that I love <33 (COUGH. @samiisams and @sketchdeath22 ..... they have amazing stuff go look ooooo......)

People who I wanna get to know better: Hope y'all don't mind the tagggggggg!

@analog-smiles @c00kietin @strange0-0storm @amf-studios @aura-bug @suppai-limes @sketchdeath22 @samiisams

Love y'all!/p (hope I didn't accidently tag anyone whose already participated auiemdhjcr...)

[oya-oya-okay]

Would you be interested to hear about my headcanons for Azul?🥹🥹

[skepticalcatfrog]

Soooo we still rockin with the Aurora Cycle orrrrrrr

(Commissions are open!!)

[spongynova]

I wish y'all a sweet sweet pride month. Sending you strenght, hugs if you want them, and love.

[bumblingbabooshka]

My name is [BRUTUS] and my name means [HEAVY] so with a [HEAVY] heart I'll guide this dagger Into the heart of my enemy

Something about having absolutely no choice in who you marry. About being literally forced by the law to spill blood - to accept this stranger as your husband over a man you truly care for or accept the fact that the man you love might die because you put him in danger. Something about risking becoming the wife of a man you've never even seen before a few minutes prior because you know anything would be better than putting your beloved in harm's way. Something about the trust inherent in that decision and in the way she speaks of it after. Truthfully, T'Pring doesn't know the captain and she doesn't know Spock. Either one of them could have taken her as their wife but she does know Stonn. She knows that Stonn will remain by her side no matter what. They made a plan together. They have an agreement which T'Pring believes will be upheld even though the plan changed with the arrival of Kirk. Stonn will always be there, always, and Stonn will be hers. Something about the language used around T'Pring: Ownership, subservience, non-personhood. T'Pring is an object that Spock can win. She cannot reject him, she has no say in the matter other than having Stonn 'claim' her instead. Even when Spock leaves after being very clearly rejected by T'Pring he says "Stonn, she is yours." as if despite her clear rejection he still owns her and is must formally 'give' her to Stonn. But the language T'Pring uses around Stonn is a break from that: "There was Stonn who wanted very much to be my consort, and I wanted him." Stonn who wanted very much to be HER consort and she WANTED him. The language here is very particular - It's not, for example: "Stonn wanted me to be his wife" - he is HERS. And she WANTS him. There's a mutual affection there and a strong trust - a trust which seems to be well founded since Stonn (though silent) stands by her side at the end of the episode. <- That might seem small but if Spock would reject her for 'daring to challenge' (again, the language is not 'because I don't want you' but more of an implied disgust at her having the AUDACITY to reject him) then it's not a stretch to assume that it'd be considered an insult in the TOS Vulcan society to NOT choose Stonn as her champion after a prior agreement. Anyway T'Pring was a woman in an impossible situation within a society which saw her as more of an object than a person and she wanted Stonn and Stonn wanted to be hers and she trusted that he would understand if she had to publicly pick someone else to ensure his life would be spared and he did understand.

[svnflowermoon]

y'all go from being feminists to tearing these women down within seconds oh my god it's 2024 can we please stop viciously tearing one woman down to bring another up i don't care what side you take but saying vile shit about either woman and their music is disgusting, please grow up

[oneluckydragon]

So I decided to spin the wheel by @onefey since I saw so many mutuals getting really cute PMD Teams.

Meet hero Lucky (Girafarig) and partner Biggs (Wimpod). Never in my life have I considered a Girafarig as my potential PMD-sona but here we are despite it all. Even though I was skeptical at first I am now in permanent love.

Gotta think of an Exploration Team name now... hm.

[thatswhatsushesaid]

/exhales

the main reason i just can't get onboard with n!eyao is probably the same reason i'm never going to be able to get on with tgcf's beefle@f: the way their dynamic is described in the fanon discourse--which, to be clear, is something i would absolutely be feral for--is just. not. remotely reflective of what is actually going on in the source material.

i'm sorry!! i'm a buzzkill, i know!! please don't @ me with "if you're just interested in what happens in canon, then why are you reading fan fiction or looking at fanart" because i promise you i have been @'d with this before, i have been lectured and condescended to PLENTY of times on this point, i'm immune to it. i am absolutely here for transformative works, and i've even described in the past the few ways i *could* get onboard with (mainly cql-canon) n!eyao. an examination of the one-sided psychosexual obsession of it all on nmj's part, for example, is actually hanging out in my drafts folder right now, i just need to summon up the energy (and the interest lbr) to finish it and smash post.

but the essential components of what makes a ship interesting to me--the mutual interest in each other, the emotional attachment that makes them seek each other out simply because it is what they want to do, the text-based evidence of a relationship--that just... is not there. i wish it was! but it isn't.

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[windcarvedlyre]

I don't want comments text limit...

Speaking of Yamada, some people complain about people disliking him, but he is entirely made to be a joke from his appearance being really exaggerated to purposefully making his dialogue seem creepy or obnoxious (not sure if that is the right word)

I could see likable things in him, but everything is exaggerated to a point that it feels hard to like him for me? I mean, you aren't supposed to think he's cool, that's for sure. I understand having joke characters, but I do wish he'd been treated just a little more seriously because it would've been more enjoyable that way, at least in my personal opinion.

I definitely liked him more than when I was a preteen, though lol.. He still weirded me out a little with certain dialogues.

Also, my friend loved Kiyotaka, so there was a bit of a grudge when we played, hehshs...

I feel you, I need to stop spamming people's replies haha

I'm unfamiliar with any discourse around him- hope I'm not wading into anything heated, nothing below is meant to police anyone or defend fatphobia, etc- but yeah agreed :(

The THH playthrough I'm doing with friends just reached his death and I think early Yamada is endearing and has surprisingly great lines about art. The 2d stuff is there but it isn't that bad; anyone with blorbos would be hypocritical to judge him for it. And his stupid beef with Fukawa was fun. If he stayed like that I'd love him, and I like fanworks that draw from those traits and explore what could have been.

But the game progresses and he gets more and more inappropriate about women. He still opposes actually SAing someone- Celeste used that to turn him against Ishimaru- but he repeatedly made creepy remarks unprompted, took part in the bathhouse scene enthusiastically*, and latched onto Alter Ego so hard as a potential 2D waifu that he misgendered him** repeatedly.

Characters can have hidden depths, wasted potential, et cetera, but the canon or surface level version of the character is still them. If they're an unpleasant person and/or written badly, even if bigotry contributed to that, I don't think people have to engage with a better version instead of what canon presents. Like, I'm obsessed with Komaeda's potential for character development and I think DR has an ableism problem which affects how he was handled; that doesn't mean everyone has to like him and engage with deep analyses imo. We should just be mindful of issues with the source and avoid blindly pushing caricatures even further.

*To be fair Kodaka also made Naegi and Hagakure drink disrespect women juice for that scene, so it would be fair to pretend that isn't canon. It feels wildly OOC for Naegi, and Hagakure wasn't the best person either but I don't think he's 'spy on naked teens as a 20yo' bad.

**Obviously not starting Chihiro gender discourse here, but when everyone else was he/himing Alter Ego and AE wasn't disputing that it was creepy of Yamada to she/her AE just because he was... cute and 2D, I guess? Regardless of where people stand, he wasn't doing that to be a trans ally :/

[thedistortionshallways]

People who genuinely believe all asexuals are sex repulsed and can't even stand to think about the act are frustrating but also funny because bro who do you think is writing your well written 30k kinktober fic that leaves you gobsmacked because of how explicit it is lmao, anyways happy October 3rd yall and god bless the many many aces who write fanfiction

[dixidin]

I was blasting millionaires while finishing this (my arm was cramping so bad for some reason)

SCENE TRANSFEM ALEX!!! (aka Lexi :3)

@rattfreakk This is actually a gift to you because you're so cool and I actually screamed when I saw you followed me back (just imagine the loudest muffled scream of OH MY GOD) (anywho love your designed and just went with that the whole way)

If you repost this on another website, please give credit. Do not put my art in any ai or repost it as your own work. You are free to use this as a pfp as long as you credit. Any like or rebblog is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading! -dixidin