#if you’re talking about uhh…. whatshisface

[timblrdrake]

Sirblr Drake what's your opinion on that red guy that kills people

i think deadpool’s super cool thanks for the question

[nervyghost]

A Thief In The Night

@nooowestayandgetcaught SURPRISE! Holy hell, this fic was a lot of fun to write, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! @it-secretsanta-2018 was such a cool idea, and I’m so glad I got to participate this year! Merry Christmas, all!

Thud.

Shuffle. 

Bang. 

Eddie sat bolt upright in bed, his knees drawn up to his chest, his heart a beating hammer against his ribs. Sweat clung to his skin and soaked through his sheets. His throat felt like it was tied in a knot. 

The darkness of his bedroom hung over him like a death sentence, his only saving grace comin gin the form of the soft light seeping under his door. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the dark, the outlines of his shelves came into view. He tried to listen for another noise from the other side of the door, his whole body alight with nerves. He could practically feel his blood pulsing through his veins, and at every creak from the floorboards settling, he jolted in place. 

The low light of his room seemed sinister as the shuffling downstairs grew a little louder, coupled with the rustling of fabric. 

Thunk. 

"Shit..." Came a rough whisper. 

Eddie froze. He could have sworn he felt his heart stop completely at the rasping syllable. His eyes darted around his bedroom, trying to pick out something-- anything he could use to defend himself. 

A book?

A-- 

An ornament?

A lamp?

There was another crash from further into the house. "God Fucking--" The intruder broke off into a huff that made Eddie's blood feel like ice in his veins. 

He swallowed hard. 

That'll do.

He reached for the lamp with his heart in his throat and his lower lip clamped firmly between his teeth. 

God, you idiot! Breathe! 

He scolded himself. Forcing himself to take a deep breath in, he swallowed his fear, and stood up, gripping the lamp as though it was a loaded gun. 

What if the thief has a loaded gun?

Piped up a voice in his head.

Eddie swung the door open. 

Shut up.

The hallway was deceptively quiet. The pictures lining the walls watched him with frozen faces as he crept in the direction of the living room, freezing in place every time he heard the noise of footsteps ahead of him, or any noise at all.  He wrapped the lamp's cord around his wrist as tightly as he could manage.  

Right. 

You're going to go in there.

And tell this bastard to get the fuck out of your house. 

Even in his head, it sounded ridiculous. 

He could see the shadow of the theif now, tall, lean, streaking across the floor like a paint spill. 

Of course, the fucker's tall. 

Swallowing, he took a step forward and rounded the corner. 

The first thing he saw was an almost awkwardly lanky figure. It took all he had to keep from screaming. The person-- the robber-- had their head dipped, tilted slightly to show off the glint of their coke-bottle glasses, halfway obscured by flyaway curls. They looked professional, put-together as they effortlessly rifled through Eddie's things, stopping only to examine certain objects. 

Seeing if they're valuable.

He realized. The thought made his stomach turn. 

"Nope..." The thief mumbled under his breath, the low rasp of his voice making Eddie flinch.

With a shaky breath, he raised his lamp high above his head. "What the fuck are you doing in my house?" 

The yelp from the person in black caused him to stagger back in surprise as the tall figure spun to face him. Eddie tried to look threatening as the intruder's wide brown eyes locked with his own. They were wild. Afraid. Hell, almost pitiful. He wasn't wearing a mask, either, leaving his sharp cheekbones splattered with freckles in plain view. 

Good. 

I can report him.

I've got a clean mugshot. 

Eddie adjusted his grip on the lamp, the silence ringing in his ears enough to make his head ache. "I said--"

"Is it not obvious?" The thief cut in, gesturing with one hand to the bag by his feet. His voice wobbled slightly, but the way he narrowed his eyes made Eddie's heart sink. "I'm robbing you." He pointed it out with a mischevious sort of smirk and squared his shoulders. "I'd suggest getting out of my way."

"Excuse me?" Eddie spluttered as the man in front of him tried to take a step in his direction, slinging the bag over his shoulder as he did so. 

"Well," The thief drawled, "I'm assuming you haven't called the police yet, correct?" 

Eddie set his jaw. "That," he hissed, drawing himself up to his full height, "is false." 

The thief snickered. "Liar." 

Eddie raised his lamp. "I swear to god, I'll do it." He choked out, earning a slight laugh. 

"Do what?" The other asked, taking a moment to lean up against the closest wall. The fear Eddie had seen mere moments ago had been replaced with something cocky, as if the man across from him knew exactly what he was doing. 

Eddie tried his best to breathe deeply and fully despite the fact that his throat was closing up into a pinhole. "Well, I-- I've seen you, and I'll-- I'll report you. For breaking and entering." 

The thief made to step forward again. "Go for it." He snarled, shouldering past the smaller man. "They won't catch me." 

Eddie did the only thing he could think to do. 

He swung the lamp. 

The thud of the impact wasn't enough to knock the thief over, but it was more than enough to make him let out a yelp and stagger forward. "FUCK!" The thief doubled over, trying his best to touch the spot on his back Eddie had nailed with the appliance. 

The lamp tumbled from Eddie's hands and clattered to the floor as the thief let out a groan of pain. "God-- Fucking-- what the hell?" The thief spluttered, sinking to his knees. "I was gonna-- fuck-- I was gonna leave!" Eddie inched closer, watching as the thief moaned in pain again. "Stay put," Eddie growled. "I'm calling the police." 

How?

Jeered a voice in his head. 

You've gotta leave him alone to get the phone, and you know he's gonna bolt.

The thief jerked upright and turned his head to look at the boy who'd clocked him in the back. "No! N-Not the Derry police department, p--"

Eddie almost laughed. "What do you mean, 'Not the Derry police department'?" He asked, incredulously. "They're the only--"

"Look," The thief cut in, "I-- I-- there's someone working there, and-- and if I get thrown in one more time--"

"Don't care," Eddie growled, taking another step toward the kitchen. 

"But it's Christmas--" The robber began to protest, slowly staggering to his feet. Eddie was made painfully aware of how tall he was once more. 

"Then it serves you right for robbing me, you creep!" He snapped back, backing up further toward the phone. Toward safety. Toward the sane thing to d--

"I'll-- C'mon, fuck-- I'll do anything!" He pleaded, his huge brown eyes nothing short of desperate. 

You need a date for Bev's--

The thought came so suddenly that it made Eddie choke on a breath. 

The thief pounced on his silence. "I do-- I do get togethers, break-ins, impressions, um--"

This is insane. 

"--dates, intimidations--"

You wouldn't.

"--uhh, surprise visits, birthday parties--"

Eddie snorted against his own will at the thief's serious tone of voice. "Birthday parties?"

"As long as there's booze." The thief affirmed, his voice a little louder than it had been before. 

Eddie turned and swallowed a yelp at seeing him so close. "What about an engagement party?" He let out in a rush, his heart beating heavily in his throat.  

You're insane. 

The thief shot him a wobbly, buck-toothed grin. "R-Really?"

Eddie tried not to look into the huge brown eyes above him. "I..." He trailed off and took a step back, ignoring the sharp intake of breath from the robber at his action. "Fuck-- no-- I'm not doing this, I'm reporting you!" 

He shoved the thief in the chest and ducked his head to hide his blush, his hands starting to tremble as he made for the phone. 

A hand closed around his forearm. "Please don't." 

Eddie wanted nothing more than to pull away. Yank his arm away from the psycho who'd broken into his home. Maybe even hit him for good measure.

I already did that. 

He sucked in a breath through his teeth. "Let go of me."

"Not until you promise you're not gonna turn me in." 

Eddie, for fuck's sake, get in the kitchen and get the phone!

Eddie gave his arm a tug, earning the thief’s fingernails digging deeper into his skin.

"Please, look-- I'll-- I'll return everything I took from you, and you said an engagement party, right? What's the worst that could happen?" 

The grip on his arm slackened. Eddie could feel the sweat from the thief against his skin. He nearly laughed. "Wh-What's the worst that could happen?" He echoed, tugging away from the taller of the two with a sharp yank. "You're a theif!" He took a few stumbling steps backward as the theif got closer to him. 

"So? I-- I can play the part, just-- I can't spend Christmas in the fucking slammer!" He spluttered, somewhat desperately. "Have a heart!" His voice cracked miserably. 

Eddie froze. 

Don't. 

He turned. 

I'm telling you, don't.

He pointed to the bag the thief had slung over his shoulder. "Give that back and we'll talk."

Eddie hadn't expected them to talk.

He hadn't expected to learn that the thief's name was Richie, or that Richie was actually willing to attend Bev's engagement party with him. He had expected to show him the door, but in his head, it was done more forcefully, and with an angry shout. Maybe even with sirens blaring down the street as Richie whatshisface was shoved into the back of a cop car and hauled down to the station. 

"Bye, Eds!" 

"God, Richie do you ever shut the fuck up?" 

"Not if I can help it.”

Was not exactly the goodbye he'd had in mind.

But one engagement party and several stolen kisses later, he began to think, maybe, it was the goodbye he'd needed. 

"So how'd you two meet?"

The two boys shared a wide grin, Richie's grip on Eddie's hand tightening slightly.  "Well, you could say I... stole his heart."

Eddie set his jaw and elbowed Richie in the ribs. "Were you just a shade of yourself before you met me?"

"Obviously. I was practically a crimina--" Richie hesitated for a second, a small, lopsided grin spreading across his freckled face. "--and was that a lamp pun?

"I am the light of your life."Eddie said with a soft smile, leaning up against Richie's shoulder as he did so. 

Richie had responded by placing a small kiss against his forehead, earning a groan from their audience of one. "Fucking really?"

Richie shrugged. "Like I said, Bev, I couldn't be less in love with this boy if I tried."

Eddie felt his cheeks heat up at the endearment. 

He's not.

He thought.

He's not in love with me.

But for a second, he let himself believe it.