#if you’re apart of the queer community that shouldn’t be so upsetting

[jewishbarbies]

everyone’s progressive until a masc woman in a video game is player-sexual

[painonthebrain]

:|

Ayo I’m gonna say this right now guys I’m a TRANNY so get ur terf asses outta my posts ok. I legit dont care if your a terf finding your “community” you dont need to share that with me.

If you’re a terf don’t get in my comments trying to say some cute shit. I’m not here for it. The whole reason I wrote “te.rf” was for terfs not to find my post but okay next time I mention the word terf I guess should just make it “+3rf” or something illegible. I’m not gonna do it now because what’s the point? Really, what is it. What’s the goddamn point.

Like, I don’t care if you’re a terf, just keep that shit away from me. There was no other reason to comment other than a “gotcha!” Moment and really it’s… kind of immature. I’m 17 and I’m not afraid to say it. That was pretty immature. Feel good about your dunk or whatever, I guess. I’m not actively seeking out posts made by terfs and trying to upset them.

..What irks me though, again… is that I spaced the word out. I only mentioned whump in passing and the word terf has a period in the middle. So unless you’re searching for posts that specifically do that (which I did specifically NOT to attract terfs, as it was a passing complaint meant for my casual followers, who are either also queer or support the queer community) then you shouldn’t really be able to see it, should you? But whatever. A period squarely in the middle of a four-letter word isn’t the most unique combination. There’s only so many ways to split up the acronym terf like that.

It just rubs me the wrong way, I guess. I’m just existing, complaining about a user in passing, and this stranger, someone I’ve never met or known ever, has this urge to commentate. To tell me they actively seek out people who, I’m not afraid to say it, hate people like me. I’ve seen the comments terfs make on trans people. Implying or outright saying we’re grotesque or subhuman or stupid. (Or that we’re making bad choices, or that we’re going against biology, or that trans women are mockeries of girlhood and womanhood and every other transphobic take I’ve seen in a 1000-mile radius) I’ve seen terfs tear each other and their “fellow women” apart over it too. It’s kinda freaky.

Goddamn this post started off so frustrated and now I’m just introspective. Like I’m looking in on myself. Did I cause this? Maybe. It’s not my fault for feeling frustrated about terfs in the whump tag and it’s not my fault for saying something solely intended for my followers attracting attention otherwise. I guess I’m just mad because what would drive a person to comment this other than hatred and pettiness? I mean, I’ve been overtaken by pettiness before, but really, there’s just something foul about this. About a stranger dropping by to remind me that they don’t understand people like me and they’re making an active choice to continue engaging in their “exclusion.”

Anyway tl;dr if you’re a terf, go the hell away! Don’t interact with people you hate who are things you hate!! Basic internet etiquette!!!

[sugarcubetikki]

I’ve been seeing people in the st fandom being super ignorant and refusing to understand our frustration with the whole byler situation and will’s storyline this volume and it’s pissing me off.

People are like:

“it makes sense for the 80s and it’s realistic in terms of will’s character”

“y’all are being obnoxious and overreacting you should’ve known that they were going to go with mileven and you should’ve seen the queerbaiting from a mile away”

“you all were so confident and trapped in your delusions it’s not queerbaiting you just make it to be you’re only upset because requited byler isn’t canon”

Like please shut up I don’t wanna hear any of these takes because they genuinely don’t know what they’re talking about.

It’s not about the fact if it’s the 80s or if Will’s behaviour was realistic in terms of his character! It was about the narrative choice here to make him in love with Mike and only use that love to encourage and push Mileven’s relationship forward. It was only used for his suffering and pushing their relationship forward and whether or not he gets a separate storyline for his sexuality arc in S5. If Mileven’s their endgame ship, they built it up using Will’s feelings for Mike through that painting scene as a tool for him to eventually confess to El in the end and that will always be problematic regardless of whether it’s realistic in the 80s or not it’s the writing choice for this storyline that’s the issue when they could’ve conveyed Will struggling to come into terms with his sexuality because of the time period in so many other different ways rather than using it as a tool to promote their straight ship. It sends us the message that queer people are inferior to straight people and them repressing their feelings is something that can be used to feed into straight relationships and that it’s normal and okay because this is what happens this is how queer people struggle but no this is not okay at all this isn’t good representation it’s horribly problematic and queer people’s feelings shouldn’t be used as tools and you should take into account that these queer suffering storylines being written by straight men is actually very homophobic.

Secondly, we are not being obnoxious like we have every right to be mad here for being queerbaited. It shouldn’t be our fault for being queerbaited it’s the their fault for doing it. We’re still apart of a marginalised community and we still have to fight for our rights and still have to fight for representation and good queer representation onscreen is so important because it makes a lot of us feel so validated because we get such little of it in this heteronormative society especially in mainstream media. It’s not our fault if we hope for more. It’s not our fault if we see queer evidence in narrative clues, pay attention to the queer and byler centric marketing and listen to the words of the cast and writers in terms of what they said abt will’s sexuality and byler then end up being fucked over we have every right to be mad if they’re going to queerbait us and use a queer character to promote their straight ship because that’s not okay that’s their fault for doing that and we have every right to be upset. If straight people can hope for straight relationships then queer people can hope for queer relationships but since we’re repressed and have been for years we have to rely on coding and when they do address queer hints/storylines we’re fucked over too many times again and again and straight people just don’t get it.

Lastly, it’s not queerbaiting? it’s not queerbaiting? people don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s not just the subtext and narrative clues/imagery here it’s the marketing and the cast and the writers hyping up will’s sexuality and byler throughout pride month. It can be classed as a queerbait because they said so many things that didn’t even happen! Will’s sexuality wasn’t blatantly addressed it was a coded confession and that was problematically used to lead up to the Mileven love confession too. It’s not only about reciprocated byler being canon or not but the way Will’s sexuality arc was handled too when both of them were being hyped up and we got none. It’s so messed up and even if it’s just us seeing subtext and narrative clues you can’t call us delusional for picking up on strong queer hints within the storyline because there are some things that just don’t make sense to us and you cannot hold us accountable. If you don’t agree, it’s alright but you cannot call us delusional for seeing it that way, and then believing the marketing and the words of the cast and writers because it all makes sense that way to us it’s not delusional cause we have legitimate receipts, proofs and analysis here that aren’t even invalid. If we feel like it’s bad writing and feel angry about it because we can and it is because queerbaiting through promo isn’t okay nor are the problematic queer tropes used within the narrative. Our anger is therefore justified so don’t come at us with your ignorant claims.

[valkyrieskwad]

i put a spell on you (because you're mine)

ao3

hi all! here’s the contribution i made to @supercorpzine​ this year!! it was a blast getting to work with so many talented people. hope it brought a little light to everyone’s 2020, we can sure use it.

__

Kara Danvers has an awful habit of making Lena feel like she's falling apart.

It's a familiar sentiment in some ways—as a struggling nineteen-year-old witch, Lena's grown accustomed to falling apart over the simplest things about her magic, about learning spells and potions and figuring out her own identity enough to do incantations with any real meaning—but the way she falls apart about Kara feels different.

Maybe it's because they live in the same apartment, or because they finish each other's sentences and have the same taste in music and food and old English literature. Maybe it's because they spend their weekends getting lost in the aisles of antique bookstores, smiling too big as the dust collects in their hair, getting too excited about old newspaper clippings used as bookmarks stuffed between browning pages.

Maybe it's because Kara spends two hours every day meticulously looking after their house plants, chatting to them about her day with her golden-blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, and the sun bouncing off of her sharp blue eyes.

Maybe it's because Lena's in love with her, because she's absolutely hopeless for Kara, and she couldn't snap out of it even if she wanted to.

The two of them are like tree trunks planted right next to each other: separate roots and branches, but grafting together in the middle, growing taller and taller into something too intertwined to be anything other than inseparable.

-

"I was thinking of leaving," Kara whispers one night, completely out of the blue. It's late and they're on the couch, snuggled together underneath their quilted blanket—the first one they ever made together, decorated with different colored owls. Lena's eyes feel heavy, but she blinks them open as Kara shifts in closer and adds, "After I graduate, I mean. I feel like there's just so much of the world I still haven't seen yet, you know?"

"Mmm," Lena hums, but then it all catches up to her and she opens her mouth to say, "Oh," sucking in a deep breath and swallowing past the lump suddenly growing in her throat. "What do you feel like you haven't seen?"

"I haven't seen anything," Kara sighs, and it's like her words burn for some reason, etching hot across Lena's skin like a freshly inked tattoo. 

Lena feels like she's seen everything living here. She feels so in tune with the land around her, that she hasn't really thought of being anywhere else for a while now. Southern Oregon may not be the most interesting part of the country, but it's the only place that Lena's ever found a sense of community. It's the only place she's ever felt like she can be queer and a witch and magical and accepted. It's the only place she's ever felt a part of something larger than herself without feeling like she's being completely drowned out.

It's where she met Kara. It's where she fell in love. It's where she wants to stay.

"I didn't mean it that way," Kara says a few seconds later. "I just, I hear you and Andrea talking about all the things you've seen, and I feel like I want to see those things, too. I feel like I'm missing out on the world. Just being here."

There's a too-long pause that settles over them, but Lena eventually finds her voice to say, "If you want to see the world, I think you should," and then she tries not to think about what that means for them.

-

There are two things Lena remembers from her very first junior-witches potions class: 1) the first time she met Andrea and the way she smiled as she told Lena about solstice festivals and candle magic, about crystals and La Virgen and her immeasurable love for Santa Muerte, and 2) how serious the professor's face looked when she said, "Under no circumstances should you ever make a love potion."

They were nine years old, and the idea of a love potion made them both giggle and roll their eyes, adding more ingredients to their boiling pot as Andrea went back to talking about bonfires and spiced cider, evergreen and mistletoe and clove-spiked apples and oranges. 

If anyone had asked her back then, Lena would have said she'd never make a love potion.

"But Santa Muerte would accept you even if you did," Andrea had said.

Lena remembers that too.

-

She thinks about that when she does decide to make a love potion, when her head keeps spinning because Kara said she wants to leave, and Lena knows she wants to stay. She thinks about it as she adds each ingredient, whispering over and over that if she loses Kara, she'll lose herself too, like it's liturgical almost, an incantation, her way of broadcasting her strongest intention so the spell can get it right and Kara can love her, and they can stay here together, happily, forever.

She thinks about it when she decides the love potion is a bad idea, when she hides it in the back of the fridge because even if Santa Muerte will still accept her, she's not sure she'll be able to accept herself.

It's a tough decision, but it's the right one.

So, she pushes it to the back of her mind, tells herself it'll all be okay, and then she tries to sleep as best as she can.

-

She doesn't expect her world to end when she gets home the next day, when Kara meets her at the door and takes a deep breath, sighs, smiles, clears her throat, twiddling her fingers together as she says, "Sorry, but I might have eaten your stew in the fridge."

"Excuse me, what?" Lena asks, letting her backpack clunk to the floor, taking several deep, deep calming breaths before she asks, "My stew?"

"Yes," Kara says slowly, cheeks pinking up. "I'm sorry, I was just. Hungry. But it was delicious if that makes a difference."

Lena can't breathe. "The one in the back of the fridge?"

"Yes," Kara says again, blushing even harder, and heat floods through Lena so fast it suddenly feels like she's drowning. "The one in the glass Tupperware that was hidden behind the milk. The thing you always do with the food you don't want me to eat." 

"Why'd you eat it, then?" Lena whispers.

"I don't know," Kara admits. "But if you give me the recipe, I'm sure I could make it for you again. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay," Lena tells her, heart pounding, head swirling, because Kara looks hopeful and beautiful and Lena doesn't know how to tell her how much she royally messed up, how that stew shouldn't have been in the fridge in the first place, how it's written in the preface of 86% of spellbooks to never make a love potion, let alone leave one lying around. "I was just going to throw it out, anyway," she adds with a smile.

 She's pretty sure her life is over.

-

"I think I did something not good," Lena announces, and Andrea closes her book as she looks up at Lena, eyes glinting like she knows this is a big enough deal to warrant her undivided attention. This is, in fact, that serious. As a Scorpio sun Libra Venus, Lena absolutely hates complicated, messy situations, and this is as messy and complicated as it gets. "I need to talk to you about it."

"What kind of not good?" Andrea asks immediately.

"It’s not like, the end of the world, but it actually is the end of the world. I made a love potion that Kara ingested on accident, and I'm freaking out," Lena explains, shoulders inching their way to her ears as a blush inches its way across her cheeks. "I think I'm in trouble."

"Holy crap," Andrea mouths. "That's not good."

"Yeah, you're telling me," Lena groans, then she plops down on the couch next to Andrea and sighs, scuffing her shoe against the old wood of the apartment floor. "I don't think she even knows we're witches."

"What do you mean?" Andrea asks, leaning over so she's knocking shoulders with Lena. "I'm sure she's pieced it together by now."

"Yeah, maybe," Lena frowns. "But I'm pretty sure she thinks we're witches, but not witches. You know, the ones who make lavender salve and herbal tea and talk about tarot readings and natal charts. The ones who carry crystals around and garden and do candle magic without ever really knowing if it works."

"We are those kinds of witches," Andrea points out.

"Okay, yes, but we also do real magic, and we know it works. Crap," Lena groans, leaning forward and pressing her face into her palms. "How did this happen? I could get suspended from doing magic and lose Kara as a friend."

"Hey, it was an accident," Andrea reassures her, draping herself over Lena's back to hug around her. "I'm sure if you talk to her, you can fix this. It'll be okay, I promise. You'll be okay."

"I'll be okay," Lena repeats, and then she keeps saying it in her head until she feels like she believes it.

-

"A love potion?" Kara asks, and she's decidedly not upset. She's not even incredulous. Lena got so antsy she blurted everything out in the middle of making dinner, right after she dropped the colander three times and couldn't focus to save her life because she was so freaking flustered. So now Kara's standing next to a half-minced onion, slowly blinking her eyes with her arms folded across her chest, and she's... smiling. "You made a love potion?" she asks again, like this whole thing is funny and Lena's not falling apart. "Who'd you make it for?"

"I - well, I made it," Lena starts to say, then she takes a deep, sputtering breath, rolls her eyes, and huffs, "Who else would I have made it for?"

"Me?"

Lena sighs. "Yes, you. Because - well, because I want you to stay, but also because. I don't know," she finishes lamely. Then she takes in a long breath, presses her nails against her palm, and just says it, almost too quiet, but she's overwhelmed and feels dizzy. "Because I'm in love with you."

"I wasn't going to leave you behind," Kara says instantly, and Lena feels a bit relieved she just ignored the whole love thing. "I mean, I want to explore the world with you, it just - it came out wrong when I said it, and I got too nervous to fix it. But I always want to be with you. I want to go everywhere with you. You feel like home to me."

"Oh," Lena whispers. She was expecting a lot of things, but that wasn't one of them. Not those words, not phrased that way. She didn't expect Kara to just say that. "What are you saying?" she asks, just to clarify, looking down at her hands and trying her best to hide how flushed she feels.

Kara responds by taking a step forward, and then another, sucking in a nervous, shaky breath, and then she's leaning forward and kissing Lena—on the cheek at first, and then the corner of her mouth, and then she pulls away.

"I'm saying I already loved you," she says, stepping in even closer, filling Lena's space with so much comfort and love and warmth, that Lena feels a little like melting. "I'm also saying," Kara stretches out, and Lena can sense she's smiling before she looks up to see it, eyes latching on to Kara's too-pink lips, perfect and glistening even in the dim, 50-watt kitchen lighting. She's so pretty it's incomprehensible sometimes. "I didn't actually eat the stew. I sort of dropped it on the floor, but I thought it'd be better if I said—"

"Kara," Lena gushes out, like a reflex, like a breath of fresh air, like Kara's the most frustrating person she's ever met in her life. "You're kidding."

"I'm not," Kara says, smiling wider, then she fits her hands on Lena's waist, and Lena swallows, cheeks burning with both nerves and anticipation, and happiness.

Her brain is still stuck on the fact that she wasn't expecting this when Kara kisses her again, on the lips this time, but that doesn't stop her from closing her eyes, from pressing up and opening her mouth and kissing back until she's breathless.

"God, a love potion," Kara laughs, right against Lena's mouth, and then she goes back to kissing her again.

[gra-sonas]

I love you but please PLEASE stop shipping Tyler and Michael irl, whenever you say something people take it as godspeak and we all know Michael is straight and, last we knew Tyler was in a committed relationship. You stopped identifying as bisexual but you shouldn't throw us all under the bus

Okay, my first reaction upon reading your ask was IGNORE IT, my second was MOCK IT (at least the part about Vlamburn). But it's been a couple of hours since you sent it, and I'm going to answer in earnest bc it really irks and upsets me.

First of all: I couldn't possibly ship them any harder than they ship themselves. If asked, I'm sure they'd very much agree with me describing what they are doing as flirting (or something similar). And there's nothing wrong with that? It's all harmless fun and feeds into our excitement for Malex. Big fucking deal.

However, I'm under no illusion that they could possibly be a couple irl. Apart from identifying as straight, Vlamis is clearly very happy in his relationship with Aurora (and vice versa), and I have the utmost respect for that (they are cute af together, and I wish them nothing but eternal happiness, if anything, I'm shipping their love!).

Tyler's personal life/relationship status on the other hand is exactly that: personal. I appreciate everything he's sharing, but I'm not going to speculate about intimate details (I get tons of asks about that regularly, and they all remain unanswered bc it's none of my fucking business 🤷‍♀️).

So, am I going to stop doing what I do regarding Vlamburn on social media or the way I post about them? Hell no, why would I? It's all harmless fun and very much on par with what they are doing. There's nothing "inappropriate" or "disrespecting" about my posts, and honestly, if there are people who can't differentiate between the harmless flirty fun they are providing, and assuming they are fucking irl, that's on them, not me.

I'm not responsible for how people read their relationship - which imo is that of two colleagues (who also happen to be good friends) who are clearly very fond of each other, adore each other, and have zero issues with intimacy, innuendo, or riling each other up in the comment sections. Do I believe they are a couple or fuck irl? No, I don't. Do I imply any of that in my posts? Also no.

They are (willingly and fully aware) playing into a fantasy, where sometimes the lines between the fictional couple they play on screen, and their rl friendship can get a bit blurry, but never in a way that would make me think there's actually more.

If anyone else does that, that's their thing (and I'm not shaming here, just keep it away from the actors), but I'm certainly not running an RPF blog here, where I promote the illusion that they are secretly a couple.

whenever you say something people take it as godspeak

Uhm... WHAT??? I'm fairly certain that's not the case. I have zero authority (least of all any kind of godly authority) over anyone. We're all just fans here. I happen to have an active blog, yes, but I'm only stating my personal opinion here, and I'm trying to provide information and facts, and that's it.

I'm not here telling anyone what to ship, how to ship it, or what not to ship. And really, for all I care, as long as no harm is done to any real persons (especially the actors themselves), if people want to ship Vlamburn "for real", go forth and do whatever floats your boat. RPF is first and foremost a fantasy, a what-if. And lbr, these two make it REALLY easy to imagine things.

I understand that it's not for everyone, and the concept of RPF/RP shipping makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable. And that's perfectly valid. No one has to like it.

But again, unless the actors are being roped into anything, are made feeling uncomfortable, or people do shit like attack Aurora for being with Vlam (to my knowledge none of this has happened, and I hope to god that it never will!), and as long as it's strictly kept in fandom circles, I have no issues with it.

You stopped identifying as bisexual but you shouldn't throw us all under the bus

And this is the part of your ask where I got angry and irritated and then really upset. What the everloving fuck are you talking about???

Last time I checked (THIS VERY SECOND), I'm as bisexual as ever. I've fought fucking hard to claim that label for myself, and just bc I also happen to identify as demi/gray-A, that doesn't make me any less bisexual.

Demi for me is just an additional identifier that describes a little more closely how I feel. I don't identify as asexual tho. I love and cherish the ace community, and I feel very close to them, but I am 100% bisexual, and no one gets to tell me I'm not. Fucking hell. How dare you!

Srsly, I'm so pissed about this. Do you have any idea how hard it is to come to terms with how you feel, how fucking hard it is to find labels that might fit, and then claim any of them for yourself, always doubting, always worrying you're not "bi enough"?

And then some holier-than-thou queer police asshole on the internet comes along and tells you you're not what you know is your truth? Don't ever do that to anyone else, it fucking sucks.

Thanks for making me angry and upset, I really didn't need that today (or any other day).

And really, where and how am I "throwing anyone under the bus"??? The way I identify has nothing to do with this blog, the way I post, and least of all with whether anyone thinks Vlamburn are more than friends/colleagues.

Man, next time you consider sending an ask like this to someone you claim you "love", think again. And then don't type any of this BS into a tiny box and send it to a real person.

Thanks for making an otherwise happy day unnecessarily more shitty.

[cyronite]

Alright y’all we need to have a talk because the biphobia in the Loki tag is insane. 

(( ALSO before I start I need to make it clear that I am not defending Loki x Sylvie its literally selfcest and I am not supporting that. So all you loki/sylvie  supporters can go away. I’m not here to support you and your problematic ship. I’m just here calling out the biphobia in the fandom. Like y’all are literally just like those people who ship the clones together from star wars ( who I’ve dealt with them often cause of my star wars blog) and who see no issues with that kind of stuff and will blindly defend it just because its fictional. I really don’t feel like arguing over the problems with that mindset and both of y’all will be blocked on sight. I’m not putting up with it. ))

Ok so with that out of the way. If you’re sitting there hating Loki x Sylvie because its a “m/f pairing” than you need to check yourself for biphobia. By saying things like (and these are only some of the biphobic stuff I’ve seen not all of it):

“Its not a queer relationship.” 

“It’s the last day of pride month but marvel still gave him a woman as a love interest!!” 

“Marvel is back tracking on his sexuality.”

“What was even the point him coming out as bi?” 

Then what you’re actually saying is that you only think bi people are valid when they fit into what you consider to be a typical queer relationship. All of that is biphobic and only adds into bi erasure.

It also pushes the idea that we bi folk have to be a certain way to be considered queer or to be apart of the community. Bi folk are still bi regardless of who they are with. And Bi rep being in m/f relationships is still bi rep. Literally the whole thing about bisexuality is the fact that its attraction to more then two genders!

 So Bi characters being in “m/f” or straight perceived relationships do not erase their bisexuality. BUT You insisting that its bad and pushing harmful biphobic shit because of it does. Like stop having melt downs because a bi character ends up in a relationship that you don’t think is good enough. Biphobia is not a good look on y’all or your ships. 

Also stop calling it a straight relationship! If someone in the relationship is bi then its not a straight relationship. It only looks straight to you because of heteronormativity. If a bi person (or multiple bi folk) is involved then it is still a queer relationship. Literally stop pushing this idea that bi folk going into these relationships are suddenly straight or have chosen a side. THEY’RE STILL BI. They haven't betrayed or lied about anything. Bi people shouldn’t have to prove their queerness to be considered as such. Bi people aren’t part straight or part gay. They are bisexual. And they’re relationships dont change that.

And listen, I get that some of y’all are upset about the mobius and loki ship. I’d rather see Loki with Mobius over the other options too tbh. I love that ship and I think its cute. And I do see how important and amazing it would be to see a canon m/m pairing in the mcu one day. But if all or even just some of reasons for you pushing it is rooted in this biphobia then you really need to take a deeper look into yourself and address why the fuck you cant seem to accept bi folk.

Also we need to discuss how a lot of y’all are erasing his genderfluidity as well. A lot of y’all clearly just see Loki as male and nothing else and are forcing a gender binary on him. Even though we all know Loki is genderfluid and doesn't attach himself to that binary regardless of how he may chose to present himself (or for what pronouns he may use) for the most part. 

On a final note dont come to me with the “but im in the lgbtq+ I couldnt possibly be biphobic!” excuse because biphobia is very normalized in the community. You being in community (and heck you even be bi yourself) doesn’t shield you from pushing harmful biphobic things/stereotypes. Anyone can be biphobic, and all of you need to look into what you’re saying with some of this shit. ‘Cause some of it really is just blatant biphobia and y’all are acting like its all fine and dandy because of your ship or because you’re trying to talk about problematic stuff in the ep.  

Just like, please be more critical of the stuff you say and try to figure out if what you’re saying is rooted in biphobia or not. Are you just supporting your ship? Are you actually calling out the problematic stuff with the loki x Sylvie ship? Or are you just using that stuff as a cover for being biphobic to invalidate bi folk. You can talk about that stuff without being biphobic, because there are legit reasons to talk about them. But a good chunk of y’all are just using it as a thin veil to spew out your biphobic takes. 

And at the end of it all LOKI IS STILL BI AND GENDERFLUID NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP HE IS IN. Stop acting like the type of relationship he choses erases that part of him. 

[queer-cat-policy]

Hi! I’m Ace!

Hi, I am ace. Not like the ace of spades but rather ace as in the slang for Asexual. And here I am, telling you, a stranger this. Not just a stranger but many. Writing essays, countless posts, and telling the world as kindly as possible about how I exist is pretty exhausting. But it is more exhausting being invisible. So now I join a movement, an invisible one fighting for visibility, so that maybe, just maybe, we find others like us.

I like to be fully disclosed, I will give you the definition of asexuality but the rest of it is all me. You cannot apply this article to learn about your friends. Maybe, if they are anything like me, you gain some insight, but the reality is, I write this in hopes that someone reading it will feel a little less alone in the world. Maybe this helps you understand that you are not abnormal, instead you are a human being first and foremost and deserve empathy like one. So, what I am saying is, do not take this article as the be all of asexuality. If you have an asexual friend in your life, you should ask them the questions you have with the intention of strengthening your relationship and becoming informed on a topic you previously were not informed about. And if you are asexual and my experiences don’t resonate with you, I encourage you to seek the rest of the community and know you are valid and you are not alone.

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality by itself at its most basic, universal definition, is defined as a lack of sexual attraction. And that’s it. The rest is a spectrum. There are many different types of asexual people, every single one has different experiences and feelings of attraction or may not even feel attraction at all. So we call this a spectrum and some parts of the spectrum have different titles. I think most people have no idea that attraction outside sexual attraction exists, meaning they didn’t know there are other names for attraction. Someone who identifies as asexual but is still attracted to people can feel aesthetic attraction, romantic attraction, physical attraction, emotional attraction, intellectual attraction, social attraction… and the list goes on.

There is something called the A-spectrum which isn’t just asexuality but aromantic, demi romantic, gray romantic, demi sexual, and gray sexual. Demi means that that attraction does not occur until an emotional bond is formed, gray means someone who has limited experiences with that attraction.

What Makes Me Asexual?

Asexuality means something different for every single person who identifies under it and because I can’t name really every type of asexual person out there, I am going to tell you a little bit about myself.

I am asexual because I feel no sexual attraction to anyone. I, in particular, do not want sex and am quite repulsed at the idea of it. I don’t enjoy the sex obsessed culture either and tend not to partake in it. I do however find people attractive for several reasons, it is usually an individual thing. I emotionally bond with people before I feel anything towards them for one. The attraction from there can be emotional or aesthetic. I know what type of personalities I draw in and enjoy interacting with too. I date and have been in about three relationships in my life but only one was long term.

Romantically, I don’t tend to identify. I say this because things change from person to person (as in depending on the individual I am attracted to). I will usually umbrella myself following the explanation of my asexual identity, stating that I am queer alongside being asexual or if I’m not comfortable talking about my asexuality, I leave it at queer. I say queer because I am attracted to different people for different reasons and sometimes gender isn’t necessarily a discriminating factor. I have mostly emotionally bonded with men in the past, but I find women physically and aesthetically attractive. Additionally, I am not exclusively attracted to men or women, I also can be attracted to transgender and non-binary people.

Is Asexuality in LGBT?

The Asexual community gets a lot of ping pong discussion about rather or not we are apart of the LBGTQIA+ Community. Some people believe that if you are just asexual and hetero-romantic and cis… then you should not be identifying as part of the LGBTQIA+ Community. I won’t get to deep into it, but the truth is, the A is for the asexual spectrum, not just the queer asexual folks. And we too have struggles, some much like the rest of the community and some very different. To leave out asexual people is aphobic in my personal opinion and a gatekeeping tactic. I one time read someone who was upset that the community had become like “the island of misfit toys.” I won’t tell you what to believe about this, but I’ll definitely talk about this in later posts so if you’re interested in reading more about it, keep an eye out!

The Fears of Asexuals…

We live in a sex obsessed culture. Sex is literally everywhere. It is in music, TV, movies, school, social life, work, art, commercials, food----- This culture is absolutely thriving (this is not a good thing) off of the exploitation of sexuality. Especially of women. If you can’t understand the problem with this, imagine hating the super bowl around Thanksgiving or Christmas at… well Christmas, when every store, elevator, billboard, TV series, and artist is throwing Christmas in your face. Except for asexual people, this is our life everyday we wake up and live in the world. Every. Day.

Because everyone around us is so obsessed with sex, asexual people can feel overwhelmingly alone. And for those seeking a significant other, that is a legitimate fear. Everyone else around us in relationships all require the one thing we will not give: Sex. You’ll never guess the number of times I get unmatched on dating apps after someone asks me what asexual means or after the first time I mention it outside my profile… because I guess if I don’t say anything than all the flags on my profile that include my sexual identity can be potentially false?

Asexual people, because many of us are very uncultured in sexual cues and such, are also at risk of being sexually abused and assaulted. Asexual people have gotten into situations where they are legitimately sexually attacked either because they have rejected someone or someone tries to change them by forcing themselves on them, or because they miss cues. Remember though if you have been sexually assaulted it is not your fault. There is no “what if I did this differently.” We are trained currently to be blameful of ourselves in sexual assault situations. But the fact is, if you did not consent to it- if there was no clear/in the right mind consent to it- it should not have happened and there is absolutely no excuse on the attacker’s part that should change that verdict.

Another part to being in a sex obsessed culture is just the sheer disbelief that people exist that do not want it. Rather it is for the intimacy or instincts, it will truly awestruck people of all kinds to the point they may tell us that we are not real. Not valid. Every asexual person has heard “you haven’t found the right person,” “How do you know if you’ve never had it,” “you can’t be asexual, you have a significant other,” “Love can’t really exist without sex,” “you’re just scared.” And we think about these things like ‘what if,’ and let other people’s invalidation of our identities invalidate ourselves.

Asexual Relationships?

It is a common misconception that asexual people do not date or do not have these kinds of intimate relationships. It is true that some people who identify as asexual also identify as aromatic or choose not to date or seek intimate relationships, but this does not describe the entire asexual community. Some asexual people will only date other asexual people, some do not. Asexual people in non-asexual relationships may come to a compromise in that relationship or vice versa. But it is incredibly important to remember that what matters most is that both parties are being satisfied. That may mean we discover that this partner is not the one. The needs need to be met on both sides.

As previously mentioned, there are a lot of people who think love must come with sex. You are more likely to come across someone with that mindset on the street than not. I personally try to meet people via online dating, and I would not say I have been 100% successful or unsuccessful. I have made several friends, I have had a boyfriend, I have done a lot of dating, I’ve also been unmatched as soon as they realize I am not wanting to sleep with them. That can be extremely… demeaning. And bad for self-esteem. I wrote something a little about how it feels to be consistently rejected for being asexual. I get rejected sometimes before people even know what asexual is. They know it is something from the LGBTQIA+ Community, it’s not straight, it’s not normal. And yes, maybe I shouldn’t want to be with someone like that but it feels like there are more people like that than not and there is no cure for the overwhelming fear that I will end up alone. It also creates an uncertain anxiety when I do not know why I may have been rejected. My brain defaults to “it’s because I’m asexual” and I go through the same devastation I would if I knew for sure it’s because I am asexual.

On the other side are the people who decide to date an asexual with the intention of being the one to “fix us.” Or they think it will change- because ultimately, they don’t believe in asexuality. Or they think it is personal, like instead of me being repulsed by sex I am repulsed by the person. For me, since I am not a very physically affectionate person (even when I am that comfortable with someone, it is very limited), that’s more common than I ever thought possible. That kind of says something about our society more than the individual, in my personal opinion. It says that our society as values our sexuality (especially as women) more than other parts of our personality.

Something I will include in here, friendships. A lot of my friends do not know how to talk about my sexuality. They don’t know what it is, it makes them uncomfortable, they think they have to give me the sex ed run down, or they think I have to be in PG settings all the time to be comfortable. No, I don’t necessarily want to hear in detail about your sex life but if there’s something you want to tell me, I’m not a fragile flower you have to protect. Friends also may constantly bring up my sexuality in an environment where it may not be comfortable. My friends have sometimes flaunted it like a golden ticket, like a token queer friend. I have to tell them to stop and if they don’t, I have to reconsider our friendship. Our sexual orientations are personal, no matter how out and forward we are, it belongs to us, to you. Coming out belongs to you and it is never insignificant enough to deserve to happen against your own free will.

Dear Ace Community Let’s Communicate!

The last thing I want to add here is just a suggestion for the asexual community. I see a lot of people who post about the exhaustion that comes with having to constantly re-explain ourselves to partners, friends, people of interest… Stop being exhausted. Do not tell them to google it. Someone is trying to understand you, googling is not understanding you. Take it as a compliment and be ready to explain and advocate for yourself and our community. Communication is so important. Google does not tell that person who you are, especially because we are on such a wide spectrum. I advise strongly against it. And probably, when you have to have that conversation, don’t have it over text. At least for me, I say so many more meaningful things when it’s face to face or over the phone at the very least versus over text message. I’m not just being a parrot of information from what I know the internet has told me, I’m telling that person about myself and what it means for me to be asexual. Communicate what it means for you to be asexual.

If you have an asexual friend, don’t be afraid of them. Know that you can’t change who they are, they don’t want you to try, you can’t “fix them.” If you don’t understand them, ask questions and don’t be critical.

Thank you so much for reading! If you have any question, reach out on my tumblr or contact page!

[theboywhocriedbooks]

Like a Love Story by Abdi Nazemian

[Goodreads]

It's 1989 in New York City, and for three teens, the world is changing.

Reza is an Iranian boy who has just moved to the city with his mother to live with his stepfather and stepbrother. He's terrified that someone will guess the truth he can barely acknowledge about himself. Reza knows he's gay, but all he knows of gay life are the media's images of men dying of AIDS.

Judy is an aspiring fashion designer who worships her uncle Stephen, a gay man with AIDS who devotes his time to activism as a member of ACT UP. Judy has never imagined finding romance...until she falls for Reza and they start dating.

Art is Judy's best friend, their school's only out and proud teen. He'll never be who his conservative parents want him to be, so he rebels by documenting the AIDS crisis through his photographs.

As Reza and Art grow closer, Reza struggles to find a way out of his deception that won't break Judy's heart--and destroy the most meaningful friendship he's ever known.

Thoughts:

Spoiler-Free Thoughts:

This was a book that I instantly became excited for when I learned what it was about. It discusses queer love, HIV/AIDS, NYC, the late 80’s, and those are all right up my alley. I’ve personally spent a lot of time educating myself about this history, be it in classes such as the one I took that focused on QPoC and HIV/AIDS specifically, or online, so you can say I’m pretty invested. I even wrote my own short story that focuses on similar themes (more on that some other time). Those parts of this book were so great, to an extent. One of my favorite historical moments is the St Patrick's Cathedral protest in the late 80’s, the die-in, where an individual can be heard screaming ‘You’re killing us!” and that made it into this book. So many other important historical moments made it into this book and I think that is its strongest aspect. 

I was also excited about this book because it discusses this topic AND is by a person of color, an Iranian American specifically and one of the main characters is Iranian American as well. I felt like, ‘who better to explore themes of love and friendship during this time than someone who was alive during that time and also is a person of color’, aka, a voice I don’t hear enough of when discussing this topic. So much of this book is important! The queer Iranian representation, the queer youth rep during this time in history, queer sex + safe sex, the iconic activism, and even just some of the general references. I respect this book for that alone, for attempting to tackle it all and doing some of it very well.

Unfortunately, I had a lot of problems throughout the book. I know one or two might be very biased and personal things, but I know there are some I would like others to know or talk about. This includes: love triangle/melodrama?, general pacing, Madonna, the white characters, cis-normativity, privilege, the pov’s, and more. I will discuss that below, so run to read the book (if you want) or continue to read my spoiler-ful thoughts!

Spoiler-ful Thoughts:

I feel like some of what I have to say might be controversial so bear with me. For context, I am a young queer Mexican-American writer from Los Angeles, and that’s where I’m coming from with this, identity wise.

I was so stoked to hear this history told in a PoC perspective but aside from the author being of color, I don’t actually think I got a PoC perspective??? Let me break that down. First of all, the story is a multi-pov that alternates each chapter from Reza, Art, and Judy. Realistically, 1/3 of the story is told from the Iranian American character’s eyes. Then the other two are white characters. That itself is where I began being a little iffy (because, again, I was excited about a young PoC pov on this topic) but I was open, especially because I enjoyed them all in the beginning. I just didn’t understand why we needed a straight ally’s point of view? Overall her arc fell flat, aside from the cute moments of fashion design or that moment with Reza’s brother surprisingly. I would have been okay/would have preferred if it was just Reza and Art’s pov though.

In relation to Judy, the whole romance between her and Reza and then Reza and Art was so overblown and unnecessary. Reza didn’t need to date her, though that is a valid and relatable gay teen feels. I wish it ended in that “oh!!! you’re gay, wait!! lol let’s be friends then!” thing. Instead, she’s in love with him for half the book, super pushy with sex and gets extremely upset with Art for… liking Reza, and then you don’t ‘see’ her much throughout the rest of the novel anyway? It just felt so unnecessary, and so love-triangle-y. I did really like Art’s “you don’t understand how it is to like someone and be gay” speech cos felt valid to gay teen vibes, but that could have just been said in a way less dramatic argument? It really made no sense to me.

Before we leave Judy, lets touch on privilege, specifically white privilege and class privilege. Reza’s family, was once poor but now filthy rich. Art’s family, filthy rich and white. Judy’s family, allegedly shown to not be ‘rich’ by the two lines that say “my friends’ rich parents gifted us that cos we’re not as rich as my rich friends” and yet there is really no discussion on that any deeper than that. Like why are her parents not shown working, her mother especially? And her uncle? He lives alone in an apartment in the upper east side or whatever, and doesn’t work anymore? I might have missed that but I shouldn’t be able to just ‘miss that.’ Like, how did they pay to go to PARIS. It just didn’t at all feel like a story I could relate to or one that this history could relate to entirely. Like, even them having a whole ass wake/party thing for her uncle in a night club? Most people who died of AIDS complications didn’t get that, especially not ones who aren’t from ‘not-rich-families’. It was subtle and yet the smell of privilege was everywhere.

Then even Art and Reza’s relationship was also weird? It was forbidden then it immediately wasn’t and they were in love, due to one or two time jumps that really did not help to build their relationship at all. Okay though, some teens love easily, especially gay teens who don’t know many other gay teens so it could slide? Then, however, there is this really real and valid fear ingrained in Reza regarding AIDS and gay sex. He is terrified, and I loved (and hurt) for how terrified he was because it felt reasonable. What I didn’t love was, knowing this, Art was also super pushy sexually? Do you realize he, at multiple times, tried to pressure Reza into sex and once even got naked and pushed his body against him? Doing this after full well knowing how uncomfortable Reza was? No, thank you. From the author’s note in the book, I felt like MAYBE this could have been intentional and not meant to be an extremely positive? While that could be a stretch, it also doesn’t at all criticize or directly address this toxic behavior so boop.

This brings me back to not feeling like I get a QPoC perspective. Reza is our main queer person of color, and really the only prominent one (Jimmy was a rather flat character). Yet, everything else revolves around whiteness. I already addressed Judy taking up space as a narrator. Then there is Art, the super queer activist teen. He is mostly where Reza learns all the queer things from, and he is mostly the perspective where we see the queer action/activism from. Then, who is the elder HE learned everything from? Stephen, the gay white poz uncle of Judy. THEN, who do they frame EVERYTHING around? Madonna, the straight white woman. 

Sure we hear about Stephan’s deceased Latino boyfriend and, as I said, Jimmy didn’t have much character to him aside from wearing a fur coat, saying “my black ass,” and helping move Stephan’s character along. He also has one of the few lines that directly addressed qpoc, where he says qpoc are disproportionally affected by AIDS but no one is talking about it. Ironic. It almost rarely addressed PoC throughout the rest of the novel. Heck, it almost never addressed trans characters either. What about the qpoc and trans woc who were foundational to queer rights movements that take place before this book? Sure he name drops Marsha P. Johnson, in passing, on the last page of this 400 page book, but why not mention them in depth even in one section?

Someone asked me, why does the author HAVE to do all of this. Why do they have to representing everyone, like Black trans women. Isn’t that unfair? My answer is no, it’s not unfair in situations like this. This author isn’t writing just a casual romance/friendship story. No, he is heavily touching on so much literal queer history and yet leaving out so many key players that are so often left out because of white-washing that happens in history. He didn’t even have to name these people, but just addressing that they are there as a community. Instead we get two or three throwaway lines about Ball culture after they “went to a ball that one time,” a random line from Jimmy, and a Marsha P. Johnson name drop at the end. It is honestly disappointing. 

Even framing everything in the words of Madonna was a bit much for me. Sure, I know of her history and importance to queers so this is one of the more biased parts of this review. I just don’t think we needed several references to her every other page. I then screamed when, not only did we time jump like 20+ years (gays don’t do math, sorry) and the last quote is Lady Gaga! Oh, my god. I won’t linger on the white popstar allies because it’s not worth it. In regards to that time jump, though. It felt unnecessary as well, just trying to tie it all up with a bow. It’s reference to Pulse seemed random, and honestly felt a bit cheap, but so did lots of the things I’ve referenced. 

Lastly, why did Art abruptly lick Reza’s lips out of nowhere, or when he was angry it was shown by saying “ and his brow sweats”? Anyway, I’m bummed out. I haven’t been reading as much this year or writing reviews but here I am, writing a novel-sized review basically dragging this book. I liked it enough to finish, and I think it’s important. I know some queer kids reading this will love it and learn from it but I just couldn’t help but realize that right under the surface, this book was sort of a let-down.

Thanks if you read all of this, and also sorry at the same time. Share your thoughts!

[timetravelingheart]

Consequences Chapter Four: A.M. Imagine

“T, would you please put that poor boy out of his misery already?” Lydia asked, reaching for Tessa’s phone that had been lighting up like crazy over the past four hours that the girls had been cooped up in the school library. 

They were supposed to be working on their lit reviews, and while Tessa could seemingly ignore the incessant attempts at communication coming her way, Lydia was struggling. Tessa reached out to snatch the phone before Lydia could get to it, but she was too late. She sighed as she watched Lydia scroll through the various notifications on her lock screen. 

“Wow, he’s really something,” she alluded, eyebrows raised. “I didn’t realize you were into that kind of kinky shit, but to each their own.”

“What?!” Tessa struck an arm out and snatched the phone from her pleased friend’s grip. 

“Shh!” came from the surrounding people, unhappy with her little outburst. 

Tessa scrolled through the notifications, not finding anything worthy of being deemed kinky, to say the least. 

“Hilarious,” she deadpanned, not even rewarding Lydia with a look. Lydia simply smiled proudly and returned to her paper. 

Tessa scrolled through her phone. She had more missed notifications than she was used to. Missed calls, voicemails, and texts from Auston. She also had Instagram DMs from him, since he had tracked down her private account and she made him wait over a week before accepting his follow request - only to then not follow him back yet. To Auston’s annoyance, she had not only accepted Mitch, William, and Kasperi’s follow requests instantly, she also followed them back. They of course loved to point that out whenever she liked a post of theirs. 

Those notifications didn’t surprise her. He had definitely made good use of having her contact information over the past couple of weeks and had sent her at least one message a day, usually a ‘good morning Tess’ and/or a ‘good night Tess’ text that she now looked forward to - though she didn’t think she’d ever admit that to anyone, least of all him. 

What surprised her were the new notifications from other Leafs members and even some of their significant others. She had unread texts from Mitch, William, and Kapanen, as well as Instagram follow requests from Zach, Morgan, Andreas, Travis, Freddie, Tyler, and Mitch’s girlfriend Stephanie. 

Apparently, her constant reminders to Auston that whatever was happening between them would have to move slowly had not quite gotten through to him. Even though he had refrained from specifically asking her out on a date since he got her number, he hadn’t let up on being ridiculously nosy and asking her tons of questions about herself. And unlike her, who waited a few minutes or sometimes even an hour before replying to him, he answered her the instant she replied to him unless he was in a game or practice. It was like he was waiting on her response, watching his phone for any sign that she was open to him. 

Despite her best efforts, it felt like they were getting to know each other better and she couldn’t help but feel a little flutter in her chest every time she saw a message from him. Unfortunately for Auston however, his public life can be a little too public sometimes. Just as she was feeling like she could trust him, she overheard a volunteer at work the other day talking about a friend of hers who Auston had been chatting up all night at the bar the previous weekend. While Tessa wasn’t naïve enough to believe that all stories about athletes and hook-ups were true, she also wasn’t naïve enough to believe that none of them were. 

And so, just like that, her guard came back up just slightly. 

Hence why Auston and his friends had been sitting with unread messages for the past four hours. Auston had actually been sitting with read messages since the previous night, but Tessa decided to stop reading anything from him once she got to the library. 

“T?” Lydia’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. “Are you okay? Those messages looked pretty harmless.”

Tessa nodded, turning off her phone and tossing it in her bag on the ground. 

“Let’s just get back to it, eh?” she tried to smile at Lydia, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She turned back to her open laptop, trying to remember what she had been typing before the interruption.

“Actually, I think I’ve done all that my brain can handle today. Nine unedited pages down, but I think I need to edit with a clear brain. Let’s go get some dinner? My treat?” 

Tessa nodded, gathering up her books and laptop. She knew that she was using school and work as a coping mechanism and an avoidant tool, and she also knew that with Lydia, those choices could only go unchallenged for so long. 

__

Once the girls had grabbed their take-out, they started on the short walk back to their shared apartment. It was nearing the beginning of October, but the weather was still holding on to that last little bit of summer with a warm night. 

“So what’s the deal, T? What did that poor boy do to get himself ignored this time?” Lydia linked her arm through Tessa’s, knowing she liked physical contact and proximity with loved ones when she was stressed or worried. 

Tessa let out a deep sigh and rested her heavy head on her best friend’s shoulder. 

“You know Andrea, one of the volunteers at work?” 

“Mhm,” Lydia nodded, even though she wasn’t 100% sure who Tessa was talking about. She knew that it didn’t really matter though. Who the girl was wasn’t the point of the story. 

“So yesterday the team and I were all stuffing envelopes and getting all of our event flyers together when she starts telling Erica a story about their night at the bar. I guess they were at the same bar as Auston and the guys, and Andrea’s friend was hanging out with him. According to Andrea, he was ‘smitten’ with her and kept buying her drinks and flirting with her all night.”

Lydia didn’t say anything, knowing more was coming if she just waited. 

“Which is fine! Obviously. I mean, he’s single and he’s a star in this town and he’s young and why shouldn’t he be flirting with girls?”

“Mhm.”

“And it’s not like him sending me flowers means anything or means that he has to stop doing those things. I’m the one who turned him down, for crying out loud! So of course he’s free to do whatever and whomever he wants.” 

“T-”

Tessa lifted her head from Lydia’s shoulder, still powering through her pent-up rant.

“So who am I to be bothered by this? But then, who the hell is he to keep messaging me and sending me ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts if he’s doing the exact same thing to twenty other random girls. Because that’s probably all I am to him, right? That’s why I’m upset. Not because I like him or own him or anything, but at least have the fucking decency to not lead me on!”

Lydia bit her lip to hide her smile, giving Tessa’s arm a little squeeze. 

“Do you feel better now?”

Tessa let out a little laugh. Fuck him. 

“No.”

“T, do you really think you would be this upset with him for ‘leading you on’ if that’s even what he’s doing if you didn’t at least like him a little bit?”

“I don’t know.”

“T.”

“I guess not,” Tessa shrugged. She hated when other people told her how she felt before she admitted it to herself. 

“Right now, we don’t even know if what that Andrea girl was saying was true. You’ve been around athletes long enough to know that sometimes it’s more about clout than it is about truth. Why don’t you just ask him?”

“I can’t do that! If I ask him, then it looks like I’m jealous.”

“But you are.”

“Yes, but he can’t know that! Lydia, really,” Tessa admonished as they reached their apartment building. “And it’s not even just about jealousy. It’s about trust. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don’t know if I can trust him.”

“You haven’t even given the guy a chance, T. Not really,” she shook her head as she dropped her bags in the foyer before moving into the living room to place down their food. “Sure, you text him, but you haven’t agreed to any of his offers to get together. You haven’t really asked him anything about himself, you mostly just answer his questions.”

Lydia was right. Tessa’s way of keeping herself at bay was by not asking him anything. The less she knew about him, the less likely she was to fall for him. She thought it was working for her. Apparently she was wrong.

“So what are you suggesting? That I just ignore what Andrea said and keep responding to him?”

“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting, at least if you’re unwilling to ask about the other night at the bar. But don’t shut him out because of that unless you’re willing to hear his side too,” Lydia shrugged, retreating to her room to change into comfy clothes. 

After dinner and an episode of Queer Eye, Tessa got ready for bed before plopping face down on her bed with a bounce. She rested her head on her hands, mulling over Lydia’s words and thinking over the past few weeks of conversations with Auston. Was Lydia right? Had she not given him a chance to prove that he was trustworthy? But the risks that came with giving someone the chance to prove their trustworthiness felt too great to bear sometimes - what if she gave him the chance and all it did was confirm her initial suspicions and hesitation? Was that risk worth it? 

It was time to find out.

She reached down to her bag and pulled out her phone. Ignoring all of the notifications except for Auston’s, she started reading through his texts starting from the previous day. They consisted of their usual greetings and some random thoughts he had throughout the day or funny stories about the guys. She reached the end of his messages, and felt a little twinge of guilt. 

Auston: I hope you’re okay. Let me know if you need anything. 

Auston: Is this about everyone following you on Instagram? I’m so sorry about that. I told them not to. I think Steph was just excited to potentially have another girl to complain about us with. 

Auston: Call me if you need anything. xo

Finally, she listened to his voicemail. It didn’t do anything to help her guilt. 

Auston: Hey Tess, it’s me, Auston. I, uh, I know we don’t usually call but I was starting to get worried. I know you read my messages yesterday, but I don’t think you’ve read any from today. I’m sorry if the guys are doing too much. They’re just having a bit of fun giving me shit for how much I like you. I think they really like you too, otherwise they wouldn’t even bother. But, uh, yeah. I don’t really know what to say other than I’m sorry if that’s why you’re ignoring me. I can ask them to stop. I know we can all be a bit overwhelming, but that’s part of our charm too, right? *awkward laugh* Uhm, so yeah, please just send me a text or call me back when you get this. I’m starting to get a little worried that you’ve fallen into a ditch somewhere or something. And I guess I just miss talking to you. Anyway, I, uh, I hope you’re well and not too stressed with work or school. And again, I’m really sorry. Talk to you soon I hope.

Your move, Tess, she thought. 

She started typing a message only to erase it and start over. And over. And over. 

Finally, she clicked on his name and waited for the rings to start. 

One, two, three. 

“Tess! Hey!” Auston answered loudly, obviously out of breath. 

“Hi,” she started softly. “Sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?”

“No, no, not at all,” he rushed out. “I just got out of the shower. I left my phone on so I could hear if you - uh, if anyone called.” 

Tessa bit back a small smile. He was waiting for her call. 

“Are you okay? Did you get my message?”

“I did,” she laughed lightly. “All 20 of them.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. You had me going crazy.”

“I could see that. I’m sorry for not responding.”

“It’s okay,” he waited, hoping she would elaborate. When she didn’t, he pressed forward. “Is everything okay? Are, uh, are we okay?”

Tessa hesitated. Did she ask about the bar? Did she carry on like nothing happened? What was the right move here?

“Yeah, we’re okay now. I think maybe I was getting in my head a bit about everything. It’s not easy when you’re so famous around here, you know? I’ve never really known anyone I could Google,” she tried to tease. 

“Oh, God. Please don’t Google me. And please don’t believe everything you read.”

“But if I didn’t Google you, how would I have ever come across those videos of you being terrified by an egg or Carlton?” 

She laughed when she heard a massive groan from the other end and knew he was probably turning beat red. 

“Those videos will be the death of me,” he sighed. “But getting back to it, did something happen to make you worry about me being known here?”

Out with it, Tess. 

“Okay, I don’t play games so I’m going to be as honest with you as possible right now,” she stated firmly. She’d been blunt with him so far, why not now?

“Uh, yeah of course. Give me a sec, I’m going to sit down for this one.”

When he gave her the okay, she went into the same story she had recounted for Lydia earlier in the evening. She was impressed when he didn’t try to interrupt her, but just let her tell her side. When she was done, she heard his deep breathing on the other side. 

“So, I don’t know. I guess just after the past few weeks of you messaging me, and then hearing this, I thought maybe you really were the guy I was worried you would be.”

Auston wanted nothing more than to be excited as the prospect of Tessa being jealous over him with another girl, a small indication that she was into him, but he knew that wasn’t the point here. The point was that she felt like he wasn’t trustworthy, that he was going to be that asshole who used her and hurt her. 

“Tess, I don’t know what I can do to make you believe me, but that story’s not true. I didn’t buy anyone but the guys drinks that night. And I did talk to people, but I didn’t flirt with anyone. And I didn’t leave with anyone. That was the night we had been texting about Endgame because you had just watched it with your friends and you were teasing me with spoilers. I was texting you most of the night, and then I texted you when I got home.

I know that might not mean anything to you, but I swear, I wasn’t trying to get with anyone else. I haven’t since I met you. I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t going to hurt you. I’ve been so happy lately because I’ve been learning so much about you and I love hearing from you every day. Those are some of my favourite moments. I’m not going to ruin that for some random girl at a bar.”

The silence lingered for a few minutes while Tessa mulled over his words. She knew he couldn’t prove anything, so it was up to her whether or not she chose to believe him. But what if she made the wrong choice? 

“Thank you for explaining,” she said softly, not knowing what more to say when she was still so unsure of herself and of him. 

“Thank you for letting me.”

“I’m sorry for ignoring you. Sometimes I just need some space to think things through on my own,” she rolled over in her bed, cradling her phone under her chin and hugging her blanket to her chest. 

“That’s okay. I was just worried I had done something wrong,” he paused, moving to his bedroom and rolling himself into the blankets. “But you know what I learned tonight?”

“What did you learn, Auston?”

“Two things. 1) I love hearing your voice over the phone. It’s not quite as good as in person, but it’s definitely better than texting.”

Tessa laughed, hating herself for the blush she felt creeping up her cheeks. 

“What. A. Line.” 

“It’s not a line! It’s the truth. You have no idea how happy seeing your name pop up on my phone made me.”

“Mhm. Okay. And the second thing you learned?”

“And 2) You like me,” he sing-songed smugly. 

Tessa froze. What. 

“What? Why would you think that?” she thought back to if she had unknowingly admitted that anywhere in her explanation to him. She was significantly calmer when she explained it to him than she was with her rant to Lydia earlier. She was so careful. 

“Why would you get so worried about me with another girl if you didn’t like me?”

“Maybe because you have been texting me and acting like you’re into me, only for me to hear you might be doing the same with another girl?”

“Right, which I’m definitely not doing, by the way. But you wouldn’t reeeally care that much if you didn’t like me. It’s okay, Tess. I’m a catch. You can admit it!”

“I think all of those hits on the ice have gone straight to your head.”

“You liiiiike me. You really, really liiiiike me.”

“Whatever you need to believe to get you through the night, Auston.”

“I know something else that could help get me through the night,” he smirked. 

“Auston Matthews! On that note, good night, jerk.”

“You know you like it. Thanks for calling, Tess. I hope you do it again sometime.”

“Maybe I will.”

“I’m counting on it. Sleep well, Tess.”

“You too, Auston.”

Tessa ended the call and placed her phone on her nightstand, letting out a contented sigh. 

Fuck him for being so cute. She did like him. She really, really liiiiiked him. Dammit. 

[svartalfhild]

Today, for Ace Week, I’m going to talk about issues surrounding asexuality and relationships and my experiences in that area.  For me, that’s more of a Lack Thereof situation, though.  I also want to touch on some non-romantic types of relationships, like ace friendships and bi/ace solidarity.

Being a romantically inclined asexual is a fucking trip and a half, y’all.  I’m also demiromantic, so that adds a layer of difficulty and confusion to everything.  It’s hard to understand your own attraction to people, let alone explain it to others, when there’s so much nuance involved.

It seems like a pretty common experience for aces is the deep fear that no one will want you because you’re ace, or that an existing relationship will fall apart because of it.  I definitely feel that way most of the time.  Sure, there are lots of people out there who say that they’d date an ace, but I often wonder how many of them actually genuinely mean it.  Like when the cards are all on the table, are they going to really be fine with the idea still?  Sex seems so important to so many people that it’s become hard to imagine many allosexuals being entirely fine with the notion of a partner who’s not attracted to them in that way and may even be sex-repulsed. 

Aces are often told that they shouldn’t date people who aren’t also ace, because supposedly if you do that, you’re trapping them in an unfulfilling relationship.  Some people even go as far as to call it abusive, and that’s quite upsetting, especially when you internalize that idea and can’t shake the feeling that you can’t be with someone without hurting them.

On top of that, aces who are in relationships that are perceived as straight have to deal with the heavy challenges to their queerness.  Exclusionists love to bring out that “cishet aces” idea and claim that aces are just straight people who don’t like sex, which is all kinds of incorrect, but it’s how they rally other queer people behind the notion that aces don’t belong in the community.  Aces in the relationships perceived as straight get held up as proof of that bullshit.

Then there’s the aroaces who get pressured by society to engage in relationships, which is rough af.  I know less about that struggle, since I have romantic attraction, but I’m very aware that it exists, and society needs to be open to the idea that some people are fully content with living a sex and romance free life.

I’m personally most familiar with the struggles of feeling unwanted and unwelcome.  Being anxious and depressed all the time really does not help on that front and it sort of becomes an osmosis of bad feelings.  I’ve found it’s easier to fight back against feeling unwelcome, because there are plenty of people in the community who are willing to show you support and affirm that you belong.  Feeling unwanted, though.  That’s a more complicated and personal issue that can’t easily be resolved without first putting yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Sometimes finding comfort in solidarity between ace friends can be difficult, because the ace spectrum is so wide and varied that two ace people can share an identity but have fundamentally different perspectives on the ace experience that make it hard to connect in certain ways.  I’ve noticed, for example, that there’s often a difference in ace humor tastes between romantic and aromantic aces, which can lead to some awkwardness if the difference wasn’t anticipated.  It seems easiest for aces to connect when talking about experiences they’ve had facing society’s expectations.  That’s the same line of connection where bisexual solidarity with asexuals comes in, because both groups face heavy erasure and that “you’re either straight and looking for attention or gay and in denial” nastiness that gets pulled out all the time.

I guess my advice for allos who want to be supportive of aces in this area is that you should try to be aware that these are the sorts of things we face and that dating looks like a minefield to us a lot of the time.  If you’ve got feelings for an ace in your life, please be aware of the types anxieties aces are likely to have if you want to pursue that relationship.

[theowlandthekey]

We Don’t Need Covens: In This Essay I Will...

I'm a big fan of Sarah Anne Lawless. I never got the opportunity to speak with her personally, but for those of you who've been around long enough, you likely know about her blog discussing traditional witchcraft and her shop. I often found her posts to be inspirational, providing a unique clarity on subjects that most books skip over. To this day her belladonna ointment is one of the few things that can make my wife's back spasms stop.

Unfortunately both her blog and her shop have closed up. All I can find are interviews with her. In a very broad sense, Lawless came out about abuse and manipulation within the pagan community. She named names and instead of addressing the problems and having an open discussion about it, she was harassed until she backed off.

It upset me at the time in a very distant sense. As I said I never knew her, but I admired her passion and the certainty with which she practiced her craft. Though it's now long after the fact, I finally think I have the ability to put my thoughts into words.

We don't need covens. We never did.

I've been practicing off and on for about fifteen years or so. I've played around with different methods of witchcraft, wicca, and pagan worship. I've been the member of a druid grove, a loose coven association, and even a few on-line groups that claim to do all their spell casting via chat. In the end, I've found them all to be much the same. They promise a great deal and frankly fall short of everything from education to community.

I'm likely going to upset quite a few people with this statement. That's fine. You shouldn't trust anybody who thinks they can tell you your business. But for what it's worth, take a moment to read this over. If something here strikes you as familiar, it might be time to consider another path.

IQuick Note: I know there is a lot of grey area as to what could be considered a witch. You have pagans, heathens, wiccans and the like. Some are comfortable being called witches while others are not. But the connotation changes depending upon each individuals definition. So let's look at witches as people who, for whatever reason, have decided to intentionally avoid Christianity in favor of practicing a personal path of self-realization and independence involving magic, spells, enchantments and the like.

Cult Mentality

First thing you ought to consider is the potential for manipulation and control that exists in any group. This is especially true whenever matters of religion and faith are concerned. It's a touchy subject, no doubt. People are particular about religious practices. For my part, I maintain that witchcraft isn't a religion or a faith. It's a craft. But that doesn't change the fact that people will use religion as a method for controlling others. Especially others who are hungry to fit in with a group that they feel represents them. For this very reason, I firmly believe that witches should avoid becoming a congregation of any kind. Too many of us think of witchcraft as a religion, and while you can play pretend all you like most of us were raised Christian and still have difficulty shaking off the mimicry of organized religion. Our power is in our independence and our ability to think for ourselves, and it becomes much more difficult to do this when you form yourselves into a coven.

Respect My Authority

On that note, you can't form a group without some kind of a hierarchy making itself apparent. I have a strong distaste for covens who create arbitrary titles. They're largely meaningless. You don't really need a high priestess or an archdruid to go around wearing robes with more trim than everybody else. It's just an excuse for someone to hold themselves higher and make decisions without consulting anyone. You'll often find that people who hold these kinds of titles become very upset when someone disagrees with them and find ways to flex their authority in a 'funny' or 'joking' way. Basically telling others that if you disagree with them then you don't need to be there. This comes off especially hard on people who may be new to the craft and are still seeking approval.

Calling Ourselves Out

As sexual abuse allegations are on the rise, we have a duty to be aware of people within our community who put others in danger. We have heard it said that 'while not all priests are abusers, abusers tend to gravitate towards positions of authority'. This is no less true just because those leaders are witches and not priests. You don't get a Free Pass. Covens and groves all seem to want that central authority figure to which they can turn to. We tend to protect them because these people act as a spokesperson for us as a whole. But this does not mean they should be protected if they behave reprehensibly! They are not above the law and if we really want to present ourselves as being different from Christians, we should take a stance of pushing out people who are abusers and manipulators.

But here's the thing. We seem to have this self-righteous indignation that comes with being witches and pagans. Any questioning or perceived threats, especially ones that come from outside the community, are deemed as being biased because of Christian society. While this isn't entirely untrue, it also has a problematic effect on us wearing a permanent set of rose-tinted glasses whenever we look at the pagan community and it's 'stars'. Instead of seeing them as human beings with flaws, we view them as celebrities. We avoid using critical thinking skills when someone in the community comes up against criticism and it can end up damaging our reputation as a whole.

Witch n’ Bitch

While this is one of the most obvious issues with modern witchcraft groups, it is far from the bottom of the cauldron. While many groups come together promising to provide resources for education, help learning rituals and practices, and open discussions, I find that very few of them ever deliver on these promises. I've joined more than a few witchcraft 'study groups' only to have them disband after a few sessions for one reason or another. Others have sessions which quickly get derailed from methods and history into a bitching session about over covens, daily drama, or the like. Instead of helping interested parties by providing resources and discussion, it basically becomes a witches tea party. Brooms are snatched.

Exclusion By Design

Something else I want to bring up is the exclusion by design if not by intention concept that plagues covens. I have seen this manifest in more ways then I can count. Most typically it crops up in the form of “you're not experienced enough in our particular tradition”. However, I've noticed a lot of problems with most pagan groups being painfully white. The excuse is that this makes sense because most witchcraft traditions are European. However, that doesn't seem to stop most witches from liberally grabbing whatever non-European cultural paraphernalia they feel fits their witchy aesthetic. The most notable victims being the American Indians, the Voodoo/Santeria practitioners, and Mexican folk beliefs. I've been told by several people that this isn't on purpose. It's just how it ended up. But when you have to triple check everybody on a Norse Heathen group chat to be sure none of them have any racist ideology there is an inherent problem with the community which is long overdue for exposure.

Queer Craft

I’d like to bring up the patriarchal and hetero-normative slant that is heavily enforced in modern witchcraft and neopaganism. I want to preface this by saying that when I think of a witch, I think of a woman who lives apart from societal norms. She is autonomous. She is self-aware. She is unruffled by others perceptions of her. This is what makes her a force to be reckoned with. Yet much of wicca and neopaganism strives to enforce a very heteronormative perception of a woman's role in society by establishing the narrative of the Maiden/Mother/Crone archetype. While there is beauty in each of these phases of life and there is nothing wrong with a woman finding power in them for herself, enforcing them as a role model for what a woman should be has dangerous implications. A woman must be a virgin, reproductive, or too old to bother with. And it should come as no surprise that concepts have no real male counterpart.

This becomes an even bigger problem as we look forward to a more inclusive world where we are learning to recognize a larger spectrum of gender and sexuality. Where does the Queer witch fit in with these very narrow perceptions of the divine within the self? The pagan community loves to talk about itself as an accepting and open community that embraces all sexualities openly. But that isn't very well reflected in its liturgy and conception. I don't think this gets discussed much because people have heralded the God/Goddess, Horned God/Earth Goddess format for so long that we take it for granted despite these perceptions being relatively modern ones. While there are some traditions which put emphasis on the Queer spectrum and embracing it as a source of power and self-realization, they are few and far between.

Psudo Ethics

The final thing I want to bring up is the irritating moral high-ground that people in the pagan community are so willing to put forth any time we are questioned about our beliefs. It is just as irritating if not more so than listening to Christians proselytize. The Wiccan Rede has held a position for a long time as a general set of standards for what witches and wiccans should consider before acting or casting spells. However, I'm pleasantly surprised to see more of a discussion happening on morality in witchcraft. We don't exist to turn the other cheek. While I'm not a believer in the 'strike first' policy, I am a believer in defending myself when attacked.

I see a lot of judgment happening in the wiccan community, especially now that witchery is in the forefront of social media. People poking their noses into how others practice and deciding to take it upon themselves to 'correct' how another practitioner does their work. I understand why some people want to pursue a more positive and affirming lifestyle through wiccan practices. There is nothing wrong with that. But I confess myself irritated when I'm chided by other witches for casting a curse or have a discussion with a demon. My prerogatives are not your moral imperative, nor are any other witches. So long as my actions are not directed against you, it isn't any of your business what I get up to.

In Conclusion

Ironically, one of the biggest issue with discussing if not resolving many of these issues is that we, as witches/pagans and the like, are NOT a unified group. We are a loose collective. We don't have one central figure who decides doctrine. We don't have any of those things that make for dogma. The fact that we can choose to act independently of one another is a big part of our power. It emboldens us to think for ourselves, question tradition, and seek out new methods and practices which are better suited to our needs. Witchcraft does not begin and end with the anathema and the chalice. We can choose to both acknowledge the gods without permitting them too much influence over our lives. We can dance naked under the full moon while enticing a demon or just make a hot cup of tea while we listen to the rain and meditate. All of this is within our grasp.

But before we can practice together, we have to learn how to function together. And right now I don't' see a great deal of that happening. I believe that by learning how to be ourselves first, by practicing as solitary and independent witches before seeing out a group, we can be more confident overall. After fifteen years of practicing, I can tell you truthfully that I haven't learned anything in a group that I couldn't have learned by studying and practicing on my own. Mostly because 90% of the groups out there read the same damned books I do and are more into repetitive ritual than anything else. I would have loved to work with someone like Sarah Anne Lawless, even just to attend a few workshops led by her. Until we can learn to be better individuals as witches first, I don't know if our community can be better together.

[beatlejuice64]

Destiel: Season 4 - A catalog of Supernatural episodes

I recently binge-watched the entire Supernatural series, and I’m now obsessed. I’m a little bummed that I’m only just now getting into this fandom, especially since the upcoming 15th season will be its last. But better late than never! To fill the time between now and the start of the new season, I’ve decided to catalog each episode that features scenes related to Destiel. This includes scenes between Dean and Castiel, of course, but also scenes with other characters that address their relationship with each other. I will also include scenes that allude to Dean’s bisexuality. I know that Destiel is not officially canon, but I ship it hard, and I think it is a valid reading of the series. Although Dean is not explicitly portrayed as bisexual, there is a significant amount of queer coding in his behavior, especially with regard to Castiel. So here we go, starting with season 4!

Season 4 Summary Analysis:

Dean is intimidated by Castiel at first but becomes more comfortable with him over time, especially as he grows apart from Sam. Cas is curious about and amused by Dean from the beginning. Cas grows fond of Dean over time. Inspired by Dean’s devotion to his brother and determination to do what is right, Cas rebels against heaven, following in the footsteps of his former mentor, Anna.

4.01 Lazarus Rising

Dean is freaked out by the “bad mojo” surrounding his resurrection. He’s intimidated by Cas’s power. 

Cas looks down on Dean: “This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith.” 

Cas pities Dean: “You don’t think you deserve to be saved.”

4.02 Are You There, God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester

Castiel is amused at Dean’s ignorance: “Read the Bible. Angels are warriors of God. I’m a soldier.” “I’m not here to perch on your shoulder.” 

Dean is irreverent and Castiel comes down on him hard: “Our numbers are not unlimited. Six of my brothers died in the field this week. You think the armies of heaven should just follow you around? There’s a bigger picture here. You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of hell; I can throw you back in.” Dean is visibly freaked out by this show of aggression, but also seems to respect Cas more afterward.

4.03 In the Beginning

Cas is curious about Dean: “What were YOU dreaming about?” 

Dean is frustrated by Cas’s ambiguous communication. 

Cas feels sympathy for Dean when he sees Mary make the deal with Azazel.

Dean is intimidated by Cas’s threat: “Your brother is headed down a dangerous road, Dean, and we’re not sure where it leads. So stop it, or we will.”

4.06 Yellow Fever 

Dean flirts with a guy at the Sherriff’s office while he’s under the influence of ghost sickness.

4.07 It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester 

Cas is confused by Dean’s unwillingness to do whatever it takes to stop Lucifer. 

Cas calls Uriel out on his hatred of humans: “You’re close to blasphemy.”

Cas believes in Dean: “There is a reason we were sent to save him. He has potential. He may succeed here.” 

Cas is impressed by Dean’s determination to save people: “I’m not here to judge you, Dean.” “You misunderstand me, Dean. I’m not like you think—I was praying that you would choose to save the town.” 

Cas demonstrates his love for humanity: “These people, they’re all my father’s creations. They are works of art.” 

Cas opens up to Dean out of respect and sympathy: “Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul? I’m not a ‘hammer’, as you say. I have questions. I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore, or whether you passed or failed here. But in the coming months you will have more decisions to make. I don’t envy the weight that’s on your shoulders, Dean. I truly don’t.”

4.10 Heaven and Hell 

Cas tries to reason with Sam and Dean about Anna to avoid fighting: “She is far from innocent.” 

Cas is visibly uncomfortable with being forced to kill Anna. 

Dean demonstrates his awe of angels: “You guys are powerful, perfect. You don’t doubt yourselves, or God, or anything.” 

Anna helps Dean understand why angels are cold and emotionless: “Perfect—like a marble statue: cold, no choice, only obedience.” 

Dean and Anna connect over absent fathers, and she helps him feel better about the PTSD he is experiencing from being in hell. Dean’s experience with Anna helps mitigate his fear and awe of angels.

Uriel tells Dean about Castiel’s affinity toward him: “You see, he has this weakness—he likes you.” 

Cas is intrigued and surprised when Anna, someone he looks up to, kisses Dean and says she forgives him. 

Dean saves Cas from being killed by Alistair. 

Dean, who is experiencing PTSD, is envious of the angels’ lack of emotion: “I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”

4.14 Sex and Violence 

A siren takes the form of a man to seduce Dean and acts like the perfect partner who trusts his judgment. The siren drives a rift between Sam and Dean.

4.15 Death Takes a Holiday 

Cas tells Dean he is “different” from other people. 

Cas is impressed by Dean’s success in preventing a seal from breaking, but annoyed that he had to ask for help surreptitiously instead of being straightforward: “Whatever I ask, you seem to do the exact opposite.”

4.16 On the Head of a Pin 

Cas is unnerved at recent angel killings, and he’s been demoted because he’s grown too close to Dean: “My superiors have begun to question my sympathies. I was getting too close to the humans in my charge—you. They feel I’ve begun to express emotions, doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment.” 

Cas feels bad that the angels have been so cryptic: “Dean, we know this is difficult to understand.” 

After Dean says no to torturing Alistair, it pains Cas that the angels are making him do it: “This is too much to ask, I know, but we have to ask it.” “For what it’s worth, I would give anything not to have you do this.” 

Dean goes through with the torture because Cas convinces him it’s a necessary evil. 

Anna scolds Cas for letting Dean torture and encourages him question his orders: “Who are we to question the will of God?” “Unless this isn’t His will.” “Then where do the orders come from?” “I don’t know. One of our superiors, maybe, but not Him. The father you love—you think he wants this? You think he’s ask this of you? You think this is righteous? What you’re feeling, it’s called doubt. These orders are wrong, and you know it. But you can do the right thing. You’re afraid, Cas—I was, too—but together, we can stop...” 

Cas gets defensive because he knows Anna is right: “Together... I am nothing like you! You fell!” 

After Sam gets the truth out of Alistair, Cas succumbs to his doubt and goes to Anna for guidance: “I’m considering disobedience.” “For the first time, I feel...” “Anna, I don’t know what to do. Please tell me what to do.” Anna encourages Cas to think for himself. 

Cas confronts Uriel and fights him with a renewed sense of confidence and faith: “For the first time in a long time, I am [unafraid].” 

Cas visits Dean in the hospital after Alistair’s attack and warns him about the possibility of more angels working against them. Cas demonstrates his faith in Dean: “It’s not blame that falls on you, Dean. It’s fate. The righteous man who begins it, is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it.” “Dean, they don’t tell me much. I know our fate rests with you.” 

Dean is despondent and emotionally vulnerable with Cas: “Then you guys are screwed. I can’t do it, Cas, it’s too big. Alistair was right—I’m not all here. I’m not strong enough. I guess I’m not the man either of our dads wanted me to be.” Cas shows concern and sympathy for Dean.

4.18 The Monster at the End of this Book 

Dean prays out of desperation to save Sam, and Cas answers: “You have tested me and thrown me every which way, and I have never asked for anything. Not a damn thing. But now I’m asking. I need your help. Please.” 

Cas is frustrated that he can’t help, but then gives Dean a clue about archangels being tied to prophets: “Thanks, Cas.” “Good luck.”

4.20 The Rapture 

Cas appears to Dean in a dream and wants to tell him something urgent, but when Sam and Dean go to meet with him, they find signs of an angel fight and an unconscious Jimmy Novak. 

Cas has been re-educated by heaven: “I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve heaven, I don’t serve man. And I certainly don’t serve you.”

4.21 When the Levee Breaks 

Dean prays to Cas for help and is disappointed when Cas won’t tell him what’s going on. Cas convinces Dean to accept his fate in order to save Sam, but he is visibly uncomfortable with the situation. After Dean swears to serve heaven, he and Cas stare at each other for a long time. 

Cas follows orders to release Sam from Bobby’s panic room in secret. He also turns Anna in, although he feels bad about doing so: “You shouldn’t have come, Anna.” 

4.22 Lucifer Rising 

Cas looks pained when heaven calls on Dean and can barely look Dean in the eye: “We’ve been through much together, you and I, and I just wanted to say I’m sorry it ended like this.” 

Dean calls Cas out on his blind loyalty: “Destiny, God’s Plan? It’s all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch. It’s just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line. You know what’s real? People, families—that’s real. And you’re gonna watch ‘em all burn?” 

Cas explains that he’s doing it for Dean’s sake: “What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven—you’ll be at peace, even with Sam.” 

Cas is surprised and upset by Dean’s negative reaction: “You can take your peace and shove it up your lily white ass, ‘cause I’ll take the pain and the guilt, I’ll even take Sam as is. It’s a lot better than being some stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas. No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it. Look at me! You know it! And you were gonna help me once, weren’t you? You were gonna warn me about all this before they dragged you back to Bible Camp. Help me now. Please.” 

Dean gets angry at Cas: “You spineless, soulless son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? You’re already dead. We’re done.” 

Dean’s rejection and anger ultimately lead Cas to help him escape from the angels. Cas busts Dean out against his orders and sacrifices himself to help Dean and Sam.

[mercutio-escalator]

Prepare for a long rant cause I’m low key upset

Also just a heads up I don’t consider queer a slur so I use the word queer quite a bit. Also don’t be fooled by the they/them pronouns I’m using it to keep this person’s identity more private, they’re not nonbinary. They are in face cishet.

Ok, so one day you realize something. There’s something different about you. Or maybe you aren’t realizing it, it’s something you’ve always known but have never explored until now. Maybe you thought that if you ignore it it will go away, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. So you decide to figure out what it is.

You spend months trying to figure out who you are, questioning these feelings, questioning what’s wrong with you. You have absolutely no idea. And then one day it clicks.

You’re queer.

And it’s fucking terrifying.

So you deny it. You hide it. You bury it down because maybe if you just ignore it it will go away. But it doesn’t. In fact, now that you’ve acknowledged it even as a possibility after so long of questioning, the sinking certainty of the fact seems to grow. It’s like a curse. An unwanted burden. You keep it inside because of the sinking fear that people you know and care about will see you differently, won’t accept you, will hate you, because of something you can’t change.

And then you tell someone. And they accept you. And it feels amazing.

So you tell some more people. And sure, some of them will give you those looks, some of them will stop talking to you, but for the most part, they’re accepting. And while you don’t tell the most important people, like your family, this is ok for now.

And you have this one friend who you really trust. Because they understand, right? Because sure, they’re cishet, but you’ve talked to them about this. And surely they’ve done research to learn about they’re friend. And surely they’ve listened to what you’ve told them. So they understand.

Right?

But they don’t. At least not completely. And they say things. Little things, insignificant things. Things that shouldn’t bother. Things like that jacket with the rainbow pocket that you think is just safe enough that you will be able to stay closeted is in their eyes ‘not gay enough.’ Even though you like it the way it is, even though they, a straight person, doesn’t know what is or isn’t gay enough, even though they know you’re trying to stay closeted. And it’s hurtful. But it’s small enough that you stay quite. And these things build up. And you’re starting to get more and more frustrated with this person, but you don’t say anything. Until they say something that throws you over the edge.

Maybe it starts small. Maybe it’s just them acknowledging that pride month is over and how sad they are about that fact. And you point out that they aren’t lgbt+ and that pride month wasn’t for them. And then they respond with something as simple as “I’m now a self-proclaimed honorary queer.”

And you snap.

This person is claiming to be apart of a community, your community, when they are not apart of that community. They have no idea about the struggle, the self loathing, the fear, the feeling that you have to hide who you are because of one simple fact. Because you’re queer. No, this person thinks they can just declare them self apart of this community. And it’s insulting. And it’s hurtful. Because this person doesn’t know, doesn’t understand. So you tell them. You tell them that not how it works, that pride month isn’t for them.

And they reply with “fine.”

There’s no sorry, no ‘I understand,’ no acknowledgement of what they just said.

So you ask them if they understand. They say they do. You say it doesn’t seem like it. They don’t respond. You tell them you think that in their eyes you’re just the token gay friend.

And there’s silence. For hours in fact. They say it’s cause of sailing.

When they finally do respond, it’s the sorrys you were looking for earlier. It’s the apologies, the sympathy, the reassurance that of course not, they’re sorry you feel that way, they’re just ignorant. So you remind them that they are ignorant, that they should have researched, that the lgbt+ community isn’t all rainbows (pun intended). They tell you that what you said was cold, as if they hadn’t been subtly hurting you for months. You ask if they want to hear the story from your perspective, so that they could understand.

They don’t respond.

[masterthespianduchovny]

I’m sorry, but I’ve been doing this internet/debating thing too long to fall into these outrage traps. Lol. Now, it’s because I accidentally misgendered you??? This is the internet, people occasionally mosgender others and it’s not always malicious. Considering that you most likely ascertained that I didn’t know you were a woman or a non white person, why would you get upset, as if I intentionally misgendered you, because I got your pronouns wrong?

But, since you’re apart of these communities, superhero movies and whatnot, you KNOW that the loudest and most vocal critics of almost anything are white dudes. And, typically, white men are the ones throwing out this exact same “commentary”, which is why your outrage makes even less sense. As I’ve already stated, you raised no actual points nor do you provide any evidence of your claims. Yet, I’m supposed to assume you’re a queer black woman. But, my bad for not assuming black women can’t also have superficial, fangirl takes against a popular, but non preferred superhero shared universe. How sexist of me!

Unless a post is a joke or a throwaway opinion, I honestly shouldn’t have to look at your blog to see your actual developed opinions. Why should I have to work to understand your thought process on a poorly thought out post? Again, i follow people who are critical of both franchises. Your suggestion isn’t a new idea to me. The reason I commented in the first place was because it lacked substance or actual thought into the claim. It wasn’t merely your opinion, but an assertion being projected upon a group of people.

I could have, but you could have explained your thoughts better and avoided this. And it’s quite funny that you latched onto “DC fanboy” as if it’s the worst thing in the world. Feels like a deflection of sorts.

Ma’am...you and I very well know that, outside of the box office, the MCU has done well critically for the most part. The lowest rated MCU movie is Thor: Dark World at 66%. The lowest DCEU movie is Suicide Squad at 27%. (FYI: SS came out 3 years after TDW)

The highest DCEU movie is Wonder Woman at 93% and, for MCU, is Black Panther at 97%. There are at least 8 other movies critically rated in the 90s, where as the DCEU only has Shazam after WW.

Furthermore, there as been more cultural dialogue and critical analysis behind films such as winter soldier, Black Panther, Ragnorak, etc. not only of them are examined in this way, but I’ve rarely seen any DCEU movie taken in and discussed in such a way. I’ve only seen Wonder Woman treated in this way.

Whether you take offense to this remark or not, I’ll say it: that remark was completely and utterly dishonest and you know it.

What makes it evn more dishonest is because, despite being owned by Disney, it is well known that the MCU plans out all of their movies and their phases. Star Wars, for the most part, isn’t planned out, which would super apparent with TROS. The MCU has brand loyalty due to rewarding their customers with an entertaining experience. Star Wars has a long and complicated history, but many assumed the last movie would have a satisfying pay off because they thought it was planned. Regardless, TROS was critically shat on unlike the last few movies with the MCU.

I don’t get your comment about “people even enjoying movies outside of the MCU...” why wouldn’t they? Many MCU fans can and will admit that Wonder Woman, Shazam, into the spider verse, Logan, etc are good non MCU movies. And when I say, I don’t get it, I mean, what point are you trying to make? And your criticism about the MCU’s flaws is what I’ve heard for years by fans and critics who equally enjoy the series. So, for whoever said in this post that the MCU doesn’t get criticized or not that much, is just flat out wrong. Then, the remark about how DC is allowing for multiple continuities and not sticking to one thing is hilarious to me because they couldn’t even do one thing right. One thing as in one continuous universe. Wonder Woman and Shazam works well because it doesn’t try to fit in the DCEU, which is why they’re going in that other direction. Their hand was forced essentially. Come on now, only one DCEU movie crossed a billion mark and it wasn’t even two of the most popular superhero characters of all time? Not for just DC, but in general.

I never said you had to do anything; you got upset at being called a dc fanboy and I explained your post lacked substance because you failed to make an actual point. You didn’t say, “I’m suffering from MCU fatigue.” You made a wise sweeping generalization about all theater goers and got upset with my statement, which to be clear, my initial response doesn’t ask you to prove anything or validate your statements. When you engaged with me, i elaborated on my stance, which is now also a problem???

As I’ve said before, I shouldn’t be required to read anything beyond what you wrote to form an opinion on your thoughts. It’s one thing if you did like you did with this post and provided a link. But, you have a rushed opinion while also arguing you shouldn’t have to “write a thesis with citations.” I’m not asking for that. I never asked for that. But, you come off like a bitter DC fangirl when you claim movie goers are suffering from “MCU fatigue” when the box office, critical score, ot even audience score matches this declaration. Between the two of us, I’m the one making thoughtful replies and is reading what is written opposed to relying on exterior info to “prove” a point.

Take your linked post for example, you make great points broadly speaking. But, when you start comparing the frequency in which MCU released movies compared to the DCEU, the point becomes muddled because, then...what are you arguing? If you’re point just stayed about the MCU, it would’ve been on point and consistent. By adding the DCEU in, you’re underming yourself.

Of those 11 movies of the MCU released from 2016 to day, only one of them dipped below 80 (79). Comparatively, of the handful of movies the DCEU released, their lowest score is 27%. 4 out of 6 of the movies are rated 66% or less.

So, did more time help them DCEU? No. Did less time hurt the MCU? No. You’re character about character inconsistencies among other things, but the overall package was made wel, which is why it’s overlooked.

But, I digress, point being: even your supplementary info doesn’t help your argument. You know what...I take that back. It actually would’ve helped if that was linked even though you undermine yourself at times. But, it would’ve given me a better idea behind the why.

Can we start calling “superhero fatigue” what it really is? It’s “MCU fatigue.” I don’t think anyone is tired of superheroes in general. People are tired of seeing 5-6 MCU movies per year. If Venom, Aquaman, Shazam, and Spiderverse indicate anything it’s that people love superheroes. They are just tired of one particular universe. That doesn’t mean the recent MCU movies haven’t been successful, but people are starting to wake up to their flaws.

[1direction-unpopularopinions]

Showing support for the lgbqt community is not queer baiting, what the hell is wrong with you people? Just because somebody waves a flag or openly shows love to a group of people does not mean they're playing games with your emotions. First off, you shouldn't be that emotionally wrapped up in what someone else is attracted to. It's not your business and it's not your job to figure it out. The only job people have when it comes to someone else's sexuality is to either supported or ignore it and shut the fuck up about it, that's it. 1D fans have taken this to a whole other level and it's so disrespectful to the lgbqt community and anyone apart of it who's had to deal with and struggle with being homosexual. Nothing that any of the 1D boys have done has been queer baiting, not even close to it, they have never tried to make you think that they are any particular sexuality. They have only shown love and support for their fans and if you cannot accept that love and support maybe you should stop paying so much attention to it, reading way too much into it and coming up with your own conclusions and then being frustrated because the possible reality doesn't match those conclusions. It's selfish and at the end of the day if you're upset with anyone you should be upset with yourself because you set yourself up to be frustrated, not them.