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stardustedreams222 · 3 days ago

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Communicating with Your Ancestors

Something they’ve been trying to tell you but you’ve been ignoring

Samhain Edition

This is a collective reading, meaning there won’t be as much detail as if it’s a personal reading, so take what resonates and leave what doesn’t 🩷 If you’d like a personal reading on this, you can purchase a reading on my Ko-Fi Shop {You’ll need to be a Moon Member for $5 a month in order to purchase it 🩷}

Samhain is the perfect time to reach out and hear what your Ancestors have to say, with the veil between worlds being so thin. Today, the dead walk among the living. I wanted to do a Pick a Pile for everyone who wasn’t able to do the divination themselves during Samhain this year.

Close your eyes, Take a deep breath, and Pick the Pile{s} you’re most drawn to, to hear what your Ancestors want to tell you.

Pick a Pile

1 ➸ 2 ➸ 3

Content Warning: These are hard-to-hear messages and your Ancestors aren't holding anything back in this! Expect swear words and brief mentions of their time in slavery.

{I don’t know how but every pile has Ancestors from the East coast or South in the USA 🙈 and I feel a bit rude cos I didn’t expect this reading to just be for Americans but I think that’s just who wanted to come out in this reading. However they do wanna clarify that even though these are the places they’re showing me, there are people in this collective who are outside of the USA! But these are just the states with most relevance to the collective piles 🩷}

𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂

𝑃𝑖𝑙𝑒 𝑂𝑛𝑒 ~ 𝐶𝑜𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑒

Your Cards: Empress. Page of Wands, King of Wands, Ace of Swords, The Magician, 4 of Cups, 10 of Wands, Lovers Reversed, Ace of Wands, Death

About Your Ancestors:

They have a southern U.S. accent, {Louisiana, Georgia, Alabama} and the one Ancestor that’s most prominent in this reading is of Creole ancestry, others are Black and Hispanic and a small few, {one or two} are white.

Your Message:

You have something inside you that you’ve been wanting to create and some of you’ve been putting in the work to create it but it’s still in the planning process.

This is an opportunity of some kind either an entrepreneurship or a non profit organization. It’s something so close to your heart that you feel so deeply connected to it.

It’s your baby, you can see it being your life’s work, but there’s been some issues in this. Things feeling too complicated, like there's too much on your plate to fully enjoy this. Lately, you’ve been feeling like “Is this even worth all this?” while you work on it.

You've been dragging your feet, not wanting to get out of bed. Feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, depressed or just indifferent to the work now. But there will be a breakthrough soon, where you’ll feel free again. Happy and excited again for this.

This breakthrough is something that will remind you why you started this in the first place. It’ll ignite that spark in your heart again. And it’ll wash away all the burdened, overwhelming apathy and hatred that’s been growing towards this. It’ll be the push and the change in your mindset that’s needed in order to help you fully create this in all its glory.

The Channeled message as I heard it:

“It’s worth it. I know you can’t see that right now and you havent been able to for a while now, but child it’s worth it. Change is coming, breakthrough is coming. Don’t throw in the towel just yet. Give it some more time.

In the meantime, while you wait for the breakthrough, the ‘Aha’ moment, I want you to rest, relax. Act like you’re 7 months pregnant and your back is aching, your feet are swollen and your belly is rumbling.

Get a massage, take a bubble bath, put up your feet, take that nap, eat more and fuel up. Get your mind off this as much as you can.

You clock out of work, stop thinking about it. You’re home— act like it.

In this rest and relaxation you’ll come back to yourself. And at the end of it you’ll remember why you started this in the first place. You started to help people. You started to help yourself. So why are you forgetting to take care of yourself right now?

Because you don’t think you deserve it?

Bullshit!

The very reason for why you’re doing this makes you worthy of taking a break every now and again and I’m not talking a 5 minute break or a ‘30 second alarm on your phone’ break where you reward yourself with chocolate and a happy jazz hands dance and then get back to work. I’m talking about a real vacation kind of break.

A weekend, a week, a couple of weeks. You deserve time off to rest your body and especially your mind.

Now, I know this sounds harsh, I don’t mean it to come across that way, Child, I just want what's best for you, and working yourself into the ground like you are now, is not that. So do us all a favor and take a break. Drink your water too and start listening to us. We know you can hear us, it just pisses us off more when you act like you don’t or can’t. Yeah, we see you… and we know you see us too."

That was all they wanted to say... They do love you they just really feel like calling you out right now 🙈 So I’ma ask them for a nice message now cos I don’t like ending readings on a sour note 🩷

New Cards: World Reversed, 7 of Pentacles, High Priestess, Hermit, Sun, 3 of Pentacles, Empress

They didn’t wanna give this lol, and it took a while for any cards to come out.

Their Comforting Message:

“Fiine… Here. We know life hasn’t been easy.

The world wasn’t handed to you as a child, you’ve had to work for everything you have including the respect of other people. You know this, I don’t know why you need me to say it. But you’re also highly aware of what’s going on beneath the surface.

Call it the years of isolation, dark night of the souls, all the shadow work you’ve been doing. You’ve been doing good. Working up to your happiness and that’s where you are now: Working to make this dream come true.

We are proud of you… we’d just like some recognition for all we’ve done to help you through this shit hole too. A cookie would be nice, you know. Or some water at the least. All I feel is like we’re yapping up a storm, drying our mouths, and all you hear is the charlie brown teachers spewing nonsense ‘cause you don’t wanna hear us!

{I asked them to redirect and actually give comforting messages lol}

We’re proud of you for all the hard work you’ve put in. Digging up the weeds and breaking the foundations of concrete just to plant some pretty flowers isn’t easy to do. God knows I know that… You’re intuitive, child, you know you don’t have to keep doubting whether you heard correctly or not… or saw correctly. We admire how far you’ve developed your clairs and psychic abilities in such a short life.

It didn’t come easy and we know that.

We saw all the work you put in, we saw the isolation periods and we’re proud of you for sticking with it and getting through it. I’m sorry we’re a bit bitter… but a cookie or an offering would go a long way I’m just sayin’… {They held their hands up in innocence, lol}

Know that our hands are on this project of yours too, we’re looking out for it, just like we’re looking out for you too. But we are serious about you needing to rest.

Even we needed to rest when we were out in the fields. {She means when they were enslaved, working the fields. Others are talking about being immigrants and working on farms with horrible pay "slaving away."}

So you gotta rest too, even moreso because what you’re making is gonna help a lot of people, which means this is just the beginning of the hard work.

You gotta find the balance between working hard and fully shutting off your work brain. You gotta find that balance now, before things take off and you end up dropping the ball down the road when you get burnt out from running around like a headless chicken.

We love you, We’re proud of you. Now get some rest, there’s nothing you have to prove by working so damn hard.”

All right 🩷 Well, you definitely have some vocal and stubborn ancestors 😂 They seem sweet though, even through the harsh message and cussing, I could tell they really love you, they just feel ignored and neglected.

Some of them also really want a cookie!

I heard “A raisin cookie tell ‘em I want raisin!” 😂🙈 Yall have some really adorable ancestors! Overall, their message is to take a break.

You’ve deserved a nice long break for a while now. I know it can be tough setting your work down for a day or two… or even 15 minutes. I struggle with the same thing but rest is essential. Rest is necessary. And your ancestors see it as beneficial for you and your business / project.

I think if it’s really hard to let go of your “work mode” maybe do it in increments. It doesn't have to be a hard clean break from today to tomorrow where you take two weeks off. You can start small, take an hour off. Turn your phone on dnd, grab a face mask, hot tea {or hot cocoa with the colder months here now!} just do what you can with what you have right now.

Try to see it as a meditative practice, as time goes by it’ll get easier to add more time to your breaks 🩷

Also… they’re really adamant about that cookie 🙈 Maybe look into doing some homemade cookie recipes, taking the time to make them could count as your break from work 🩷 {And they really like the idea of a homemade offering.}

That's all for this pile, thank you for sticking around and hearing your ancestors out! They really appreciate you wanting to hear them out right now 🩷🫂

If you’d like a personal reading on this, to elaborate or ask them more questions, you can purchase a reading on my Ko-Fi Shop {You’ll need to be a Moon Member for $5 a month in order to purchase it 🩷 The reading itself is One Call Away for $8 or Family Meeting for $15}

Happy Samhain! 🎃

𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂

𝑃𝑖𝑙𝑒 𝑇𝑤𝑜 ~ 𝐶𝑙𝑜𝑐𝑘

Pile two is interesting because two sets of messages and Ancestors came out with the same cards 🙈 While they’re both essentially the same message they have enough of a nuance to them that I wanted to split them into groups to fully allow each set of Ancestors to be heard. So Pile 2 you’ve been split into Group A and Group B

please pick an emoji for your reading 🩷

🍯 Group A 🍯 🐝 Group B 🐝

Thank you 🩷 Please proceed accordingly 🥰

🍯 Group A 🍯

Your Cards: 4 of Swords, King of Pentacles Reversed, Page of Swords, Knight of Wands, 6 of Pentacles

About Your Ancestors:

They were really eager to talk. Their ethnicities are kinda hazy, I think this might be because it’s a collective reading and yall don’t share the same ancestry as the other members in this pile. Some are from New Jersey, may have moved to or from New York. Italian is prominent, but so is German.

Then some are venturing into Connecticut, Vermont, Maryland, Illinois, and Virginia. Michigan too but that's a small few.

Some of you are POC, Black and Asian being the most common after Italians and Germans. Some of you are really proud {as you should be 🩷} to have made it this far in an unfair world, not only for the discrimination against you but also because some of you have grown up on stories of what it was like in slavery. And a super small amount of you are born from a Freed Slave in the 1840's-1860’s who had a really rough time. I think they moved from the southern states to New York, and that’s where you grew up but now that you’re well established you moved down to the state they’re from in a way to prove your worth to everyone there. They’re really proud of you for that 🩷🫂 as am I ‘cause I don’t think I’d have the courage to do that especially with the Election coming up 🙈

Your Message:

You’ve been searching for happiness when it comes to your wealth. You’re actually really wealthy this could be from your hard work or things have just gone really easy for you or a mix of both. For most of you, this is your hard work.

Even though you’re rich and you can buy things that make you really happy you haven’t felt fulfilled. So you keep buying more and more in hopes it’ll satisfy that feeling, and it does for a little while but then that feeling fades again.

Your Ancestors are saying you have to start letting down your walls. You’ve been guarding your wealth as it grew {which is really wise!} but now that it’s fully grown and sustainable, you need to start leaving behind that mindset that this is only *your* money to spend. It’s not just yours, because your ancestors helped you reach this height of your wealth, they’ve been cultivating it too and the reason why is because they want to soften your heart towards the less fortunate. I know this is really hard for you to hear but you should look for places— credible organizations, shelters, charities— to donate to. Your ancestors are saying once you do you’ll find that satisfaction you’ve been looking for with your wealth.

However, there’s more. You should really do your research, go in person, and talk to the community and organization leaders to really understand their story and the cause you’re donating to before you donate because in this meet and greet you’ll actually learn the lesson your ancestors want you to.

Otherwise, you’ll just be giving money to different organizations still feeling unfulfilled and still searching for happiness and purpose.

Your Channeled Message:

“Let me- Lemme speak first! I can speak for all of us when I say: We know the hard work that went into you getting your bank account where it is now. It was hard work we won’t diminish that! But you gotta stop thinking that everyone everywhere can get where you are now by just putting in the hours and hard work. Some people can, but others just really can’t and they need a helping hand. And I know you wanna roll your eyes and huff but you didn’t do this alone either.

We all helped you. You put in the hard work, but we supplied the opportunities, sprinkling the good luck— {another ancestor interrupted} Dumped! We Dumped the good luck!! Don’t *sugarcoat* it.— That money isn’t just yours and I know, I know you hate this but you know deep down it’s true.

That’s why you’re not happy because you’re *meant* to be sharing that money with people. Spreading the joy and the serenity that that money can bring. We blessed you so you could bless others. But this will only work if you do this out of compassion, being truly moved by the causes you’re giving to. So you gotta go out there get your hands dirty and look into the organizations yourself, don’t get someone else to do it for you ‘cause that won’t work for you.

You’ll still be bitter and feeling lonely in that big house {They showed a mansion with a stone driveway and a cute cultivated garden with columnar shrubs, square bushes and a sculpted bush} with that fancy car {They showed a Porsche and a BMW and they said Lincoln too} because you need human connections and a real purpose to back yourself up in your happiness.

We know how you feel about sharing your money… but you have to let go of thinking ‘I worked hard for this life, for this money! Why should I have to share it with people who can’t even balance their checkbook!?’

You also gotta give people a chance to surprise you, not every poor person with a sob story is just out for a good con. Not all of them are.

You did good, making good on the opportunities we sent you and— I know that struck a nerve but calm down. We sent them so give us some credit.— working hard to get where you are now. And you don’t have to listen to us, but we’re just telling you what will make you happy and fill that hole in your heart and life. You can take our advice or not, it’s up to you. When you’re ready, though, we’ll help you find the right places to send money.”

They care about you, they definitely have a hand in your life even though that seems to upset you but they don’t mean for it to be an insult, instead a testament to how much they care and look after you. I think they’re really sweet for not wanting to push you to do things their way, some Ancestors I’ve met before have been really stubborn and persistent so I think yours are really level headed and kind for this.

I also get the sense that they were business folks when they were on Earth too, in law firms, stock brokerages, and corporations, {whether that job went anywhere or not for them is unclear.} because of how well they worked around the business side of things to help you land deals, get promotions, and i also saw they helped you get your first big job interview.

They also know the lingo for businesses but they have a somewhat informal way of talking to you, {or to me to talk to you.}

Overall, it was a hard pill to swallow but they just wanted to say they’re proud of you but if you wanna stop searching for happiness, this is a surefire way to do that and they’re highly encouraging it. Of course, the decision is yours to make.

That's all for this pile, thank you for sticking around and hearing your ancestors out! I know it wasn’t easy 🩷🫂

🐝 Group B 🐝

Your Cards: 9 of Wands Reversed, 8 of Cups, Queen of Cups, Knight of Pentacles

About Your Ancestors:

I smelled the ocean and then a chlorine pool. I think you or some of your ancestors may have been avid swimmers, swimming competitions seem relevant but also summers and holidays at a lake or beach.

Indiana and Kentucky are prominent along with West Virginia. You may be from there or live there now, or your ancestors are from there/lived most of their lives there. You have some red haired ancestors, fair skin that burns easily. Blue eyes are common but there’s one Ancestor with Green eyes that’s really important here. Like piercing green emerald eyes.

It feels like you were born into wealth but that you also take your work seriously or enjoy working hard, to maintain that wealth, but that money also isn't "everything" to you.

Your Message:

They see that you want to be charitable but that you’re not sure who or what to give your money to. They suggest talking to more people and taking an active part in looking for causes or people in need. Researching charities online, going in person to local shelters and children’s organizations, you’ll find a place/cause/person to donate to really soon after doing this. Being in person will help you gauge the intentions of the organization and bring clarity on where you should share your money 🩷

Your Channeled Message:

“We know you’re bored, and looking for something fun to do. We’ve talked it over and we agree that donating to a good cause will benefit you. That being hands-on will be what you need to feel alive and excited and fill that need to be involved in something worth a damn.

There’s a few good ones but you’ll need to do your research, call them up, email them, set up a meeting with the campaign organizers and really ask them why they do this and how they use the money.

You’ll be able to gauge— we’ll help you to know— who is right for you and who is shoveling bullshit into your ears. There’ll be some that excite you and they look perfect from the outside but once you sit down and talk to them you’ll see they aren’t what they appear to be.

Be prepared to get your hopes crushed with the ones you think are good. It’ll be one of the places you didnt think twice about that will actually be the right fit for you. So just be prepared to be disappointed a lot before you find that one that lights your soul up.

Also be smart when you do find them, don’t write them a big check right away, do smaller donations first.

{I asked them why.}

Because you’ll be the first {or one of the first} to believe in them and their cause and a large donation will inflate their egos making them veer off course.

You gotta be subtle with your support— and ask to be part of the overseeing committe to track how they use the money. It sounds harsh but they’ll need you to keep them honest and on track. It’s not that they’re a bad organization, it's just that they live in the real world. Where bills and unexpected expenses pop up and they are just starting out so they kinda have their thoughts all over the place. They’re focus is on 20-50 years from now when it should be on this month, next month, this year.

With a large donation they’ll get ahead of themselves and start working on projects that shouldn’t and can’t be supported right now. Just stick to the plan and help them stick to it too. Small donations, regularly sent until we tell you to go bigger.

We love your heart. How much you want to give money away and share it with the world. We wish we were more like you when we were there {on Earth.}

We’re proud that you abandoned our thick skulled ideas and we’re proud to call you our grandson/granddaughter. {Most of you are male but a few are female so they said both 🩷}

We’re sorry we weren’t more supportive of you before, but we see the truth now and we’re here to support you in whatever you need now. And excuse our language some of us are still learning to behave more politely.

We love you. Ask for our help, we’ll do it. We really want you to talk to us more, and we wanna talk to you more. Bridge this gap that’s here ‘cause of me. {some mean from being in the Otherworld and some mean from their “bitter stubborn pig-headedness” —their words lol— while they were here on Earth.} I hope that we can make some kind of arrangement for that. Maybe go out for some tea or something.”

Overall you’re very pure hearted when it comes to your wealth. You don’t take it for granted and you love helping people but your Ancestors are concerned about you giving money to the wrong people. Almost like naivety but it’s just optimism and they understand that 🩷

They aren’t concerned because they think you can’t handle money on your own they just know that if you give money to people who misuse it and you find out down the road you’ll be heartbroken and it could lead to you putting your guard up when it comes to donating later, and they don’t want that.

To protect you, they’re recommending that you become mentally and physically invested in the organizations you support financially.

And they do have deep regrets for how they behaved here with you in the past. Some of you have ancestors that you knew here before they ascended, others only know stories— especially from the people in your hometown, they hold “grudges” towards your Ancestors because of how they behaved. So this could also be a small town thing 🩷

That's all for this pile, thank you for sticking around and hearing your ancestors out! 🩷🫂

Happy Samhain! 🎃✨

𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂

𝑃𝑖𝑙𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑟𝑒𝑒 ~ 𝑇𝑒𝑙𝑒𝑝ℎ𝑜𝑛𝑒

Your Cards: Hanged man Reversed, Queen of Wands, Ace of Pentacles, Heirophant, Emperor, 9 of Cups, Strength, Justice Reversed, Death Reversed, 10 of Wands Reversed, 4 of Cups Reversed, 2 of Cups, 6 of Wands, Knight of Wands, King of Swords Reversed, 7 of Cups Reversed

About Your Ancestors:

Your Ancestors couldn’t wait to speak! The cards just started flying out so they definitely feel passionate about this.

Delaware is prominent. Appalachian is also important. Then it’s Missouri, Iowa, Ohio, North Dakota, Arkansas.

The Ancestor that was most prominent was an older lady, she was sitting in a dining hall or an old tea house {where they serve tea and cucumber sandwiches and the ladies dress up in vintage attire and hats.} She is white but the other Ancestors here are not. She was just the one that felt more confident speaking. She isn’t someone you’ve met in this life, she’s either an Ancestor from centuries ago or she ascended while you were too young to remember her. There are Hispanics here, Indians as well, a few Blacks, a handful of Natives from both America and Canada. 🩷

Your Message:

You’re avoiding an opportunity here because you’re afraid of the responsibility that will come from it and you’re afraid of being seen in a public way. Some of you feel like imposters and like if you become famous you’ll end up in lawsuits because you’ve seen it happen to people you adored and your role models ended up being problematic later on and you’re afraid of that happening to you.

{Can I just say Ditto!! 🙋🏻‍♀️ So I totally understand where you’re coming from!}

However, your Ancestors are saying that will never happen to you! You are the embodiment of pure love, kindness and compassion, even if you do have anger and hate towards some things or some people, you are still pure at heart and this is your reward.

This is your prize for being an amazing and beautifully kind person. It’s time for you to stop being afraid of being seen and being famous. It’s time for you to see yourself as you are and not who you’ve been telling yourself you are all these years.

This opportunity for you is something you will use to influence necessary change in this world. Laying down foundations and tearing up outdated ideas to build a more stable, respectful and focused world. This is something you’ll be partnering up with the Divine to create. It’s an incredible thing and they don’t want you to be afraid of it.

You’re worried you’ll lead in a cruel and ruthless, judgmental way but you won’t. You’ll lead with a vision for a better future for everyone, and people will see that 🩷

As for feeling overwhelmed and like there will be too much to carry, you’ll have help. From the Divine and in people, you’ll have the ability to share the load with others so even though you are the “face” of this and the leader, you won’t be leading alone 🩷🫂

Channeled Messages as I heard it:

“Child, you’re wonderful. Incredible, beautiful and kind. Why are you so worried about this turning out badly for yourself? You’re your own worst enemy, you know that, right?

Overthinking and worrying about what people will think of you, worrying about how you’ll mess something up unintentionally. Stop that! {She smacked your hand away from your mouth as you went to bite your nails lol}

Grab some tea {others said water} and pull yourself together. We didn’t raise you to be like this, worried and insecure about your self.

So look in the proverbial mirror and fix your hair and makeup {this is still a genderless reading but this Ancestor is prominent right now and speaking to a makeup wearer 🩷} Stand up straighter, keep your chin up and know who you are. You’re {They said some names lol like actually first middle and last names of people so for privacy reasons I won’t be sharing those.} for christ’s sake!

You are kind, compassionate, intelligent and meant to be seen as a leader in this world!

Don’t shy away from it because of other people’s missteps. I don’t care who your role model was, and quite frankly I do nOt care what they did to screw up my child’s view of themselves but you do not get to shy away from what this world has to offer you, what *I am* offering you, just because of someone else’s dirty laundry getting waved around in town square! {She huffs and straightens herself out as she pulls on the hem of her fitted blouse as she reins in her frustration.}

Now… I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m sick and tired of saying this to you and me not being heard. So pardon my lashing out but this had to be said because you my dear, are wonderful and you deserve every good thing this life has to offer you and I will make damn sure that you get it!

So get off your damn tush and start putting yourself out there because not only is it good for the world but it’s good for you and your happiness. And after all the hell you’ve been through, you deserve a bit of happiness in your life. So take it. ‘Cause it’s right there for the taking.”

She’s definitely passionate about this and I think her swearing is adorable, it made me laugh a lot during the channel 🩷

Although she was the most prominent Ancestor to come through, the others all agreed with her. It felt like when I asked for them to speak they all looked at her and she knew she got appointed with the job to speak for everyone.

I think she also might be the oldest of the group of Ancestors to come through but as I typed that they corrected me 🙈 There are older ones in the group, they appointed her because she has been around long enough to feel their frustration and hope for all of you to “get your act together and put on the best show of your lives” {their words} so they let her speak for all of them.

Plus they knew I’d enjoy her company and energy 😂🩷 They’re all so adorable. This is definitely my favorite pile for this reading because of her!

As for her message, I think it’s definitely something I relate to so I can understand the fear and holding yourself back to protect yourself but the cards and the Ancestors were very clear and adamant that you will not fail.

Something that might help is knowing that: your Ancestors and the Divine will not give you something amazing and push you to do it if it led to your humiliation or detriment when they know it’s something you’re genuinely terrified of.

I know it can be scary, I dealt with it when my spirit team told me to start doing readings online, I’ll prolly share my story later but it was really tough to push through that fear.

I recommend learning about and healing your solar plexus, heart, root, and crown centers {also inappropriately called Chakras} because that’ll help you open up to the possibility of entering the public eye and help nurture and solidify your perspective of yourself.

It might not be an easy road to heal these but if you need help, my asks and DMs are always open!! 🩷 And your Ancestors are also very willing to help you themselves so if you feel comfortable talking to them and asking them directly for help I definitely see that as a great option for you in your journey! 🩷✨

That’s all for this reading 🩷

I really enjoyed doing this!! It did take a lot longer to do this pick a pile because of all the different Ancestors in each pile but it was genuinely so much fun!

𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂 𐐪𐑂

If you have any questions or want me to elaborate on something in this post please reach out, either with my “Pigeon Messenger 🕊️”, comments or DMs. 🩷

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With Love, Astrid 🩷✨

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strnilolover · 2 days ago

Text

NNN - chris sturniolo - you don’t need me

Chris was easily one of your bestest friends. Having met in high school through some mutual friends, you both had clicked with your similar interests. Your friendship easily carried into your adult years even after those same friends who introduced you fell out of the friend group.

It was always you and chris — chris and you. You stuck together through ups and downs, good times and bad times. There was hardly anything that could separate you two from each other — not even his brothers who you grew close too as well. You told each other everything — who you hooked up with, things you needed help with, everything.

But that all started to change when chris met her — scarlet. When they started officially dating is when chris seemed to become more distant from you, spending more time with her. Sure you didn’t mind much, considering the fact that she is chris’ girlfriend — he’d want to spend a lot of his time with her and you didn’t mind.

But what made you upset was the lack of communication on his end — never texting you to tell you if he’s busy or when he’s going to be. You just wanted to know so you weren’t trying to ruin the plans he may have already made — it didn’t help that scarlet wasn’t any good either.

So here you were, staring down at your phone, feeling the familiar ache when Chris leaves your message unread yet again. It’s been like this since he started dating her. You’d tried to stay supportive, happy for him when he met someone new. But the excitement quickly faded as she became less of a girlfriend and more of a wedge between you and Chris.

The first time you had noticed her attitude was at one of Chris’s hangouts. You had walked over, ready to grab a drink from the table when she suddenly stepped in front of you with a saccharine smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Oh,” she’d said, eyeing you up and down, “I didn’t know Chris invited… everyone.” She’d tilted her head in mock confusion, clearly implying you didn’t belong. You had brushed it off at first, laughing it away, figuring she was just getting used to Chris’s friends.

But it didn’t stop. Every time you were around her, she found ways to make you feel out of place. One night when you and chris had gone to dinner with a few friends, she slid up next to you while you were getting food, making sure no one was watching while she looked over at you as if she was inspecting you.

“Do you really need another plate?” she’d asked, raising an eyebrow. “It’s just… some people don’t know when enough is enough, you know?” her words dripped with malice, it made you feel uneasy.

The comment left you speechless, stinging more than you wanted to admit. But you kept it to yourself, not wanting to stir up drama. Chris deserved to be happy, and if she made him happy, you could put up with her snide remarks. Or so you told yourself.

One afternoon, you decided to meet Chris at a coffee shop to catch up, just the two of you, like old times. But when you arrived, she was there, sitting next to him with a possessive arm looped through his. Her eyes tracked you as you approached, a slow, mocking smile spreading across her face.

“Oh, you’re here,” she said, her tone dripping with false warmth. “Chris didn’t tell me you were coming. I thought this was, you know, our time.” the disgust on her face was clear, to you at least. A frown pulled across your face — why couldn’t it just be you and him without her?

Chris, oblivious as ever, just shrugged, looking between the two of you with an awkward smile. “I thought it’d be fun if we all hung out.” he said, his free hand coming up to run through his hair — a habit he did when he was nervous. You went to speak, lips parting but were quickly cut off.

She didn’t let you get a word in. “Actually, babe, I think we had plans later… but it’s okay,” she said, her gaze flicking back to you with a knowing smirk. “Maybe next time you can give us a little heads-up before you just… drop in.”

You forced a smile, feeling that familiar, nauseating sense of discomfort settling in as you took a seat across from the both of them. “Of course. I didn’t mean to intrude.” you muttered, quickly picking up the menu to order something — your talking plans were ruined.

After that, her taunts became a regular part of your life. She’d bump into you at parties, slyly insult your outfit or make snide comments about how “clingy” you were to Chris. And every time, Chris seemed too blind—or too charmed—to see through her sweet facade. It hurt, but you kept swallowing it down, determined not to let her get to you — and god was it a bitter pill to swallow.

One night, Chris invited you to another party at his place, saying he missed hanging out like old times. You had agreed, hoping that maybe — just maybe — this time would be different, maybe she’d lay off for the night. But when you arrived, you noticed the way she lingered by his side, whispering in his ear as her eyes flicked toward you, a glint of triumph in her gaze.

You managed to avoid her for most of the night, sticking with other friends and keeping yourself occupied with the drinks and the snacks the were laid out on the counter in the kitchen — or just busting yourself with dancing. But when you headed to the kitchen for another drink, she followed, cornering you by the counter.

“Funny, isn’t it?” she said, her voice barely masking the hostility beneath her smile. “You’re still hanging around like a little lost puppy. Does Chris know how desperate you are to get his attention?” her words left you speechless, stabbing you in the chest. Does she just think that’s all you are? — an attention whore?

You clenched your jaw, the anger bubbling up in your chest. “I’m not desperate for anything. Chris and I have been friends for years.” you gritted out, your words almost lost to the music — but you knew she heard what you said.

She laughed, tilting her head with a pitying look. “Friends, sure. Keep telling yourself that.” She leaned closer, voice dropping to a whisper. “But here’s the thing. He doesn’t need you anymore. So why don’t you do us both a favor and stop acting like you belong here?”

You felt your face heat up, a mix of anger and hurt swirling inside you. Every ounce of restraint you had kept you from firing back. But it was getting harder to stay quiet, harder to brush off the blatant cruelty.

Instead of responding, you pushed past her — your shoulder shoving into her’s harshly, heading outside to get some air, trying to calm the pounding in your chest. It was one thing for her to be possessive or rude, but to imply that your friendship with Chris didn’t matter hurt more than you wanted to admit.

You went home early that night, ignoring the questions from friends and the puzzling look chris had given you when you got into your car and drove home. As you drove — you couldn’t wrap your head around the fact as to why she didn’t like you. You never did anything to her, you’ve been nothing but nice.

When you climbed into bed that night — your tears soaked your pillow, crying yourself to sleep.

A few days later, you finally decided to talk to Chris alone. You messaged him, asking if he could come over to your place to talk, and to your relief, he agreed. There’s a knock at your door sometime later — your body moving toward the front door. You take a deep breath, firmly gripping the door handle you open it, and there he was, standing with his hands in his pockets, a faint look of regret in his eyes.

Does he know?

You step aside, letting him slip in past you as he flashed you a smile. Closing the door behind you, you walk to the living room — chris following behind as he takes a seat on the couch next to you. He didn’t say anything for a moment — this look in his eyes that made you frown was hard to read.

“It’s been a while..” he muttered and you forced a smile, trying to hold back the flood of emotions threatening to already spill over. “Yeah, it’s been a while.” You took a breath, steadying yourself. “Chris, I… I need to talk to you about scarlet.” you whispered, sucking in another deep breath.

His expression shifted slightly, a flicker of discomfort crossing his face. “What about her?” he asked.

You looked down at your hands, gathering your thoughts. “She… she’s not as nice as you think she is, Chris. She goes out of her way to make me feel like I don’t belong around you anymore. It’s constant.” the words made your chest feel tight — you can’t believe you’re even saying this.

He frowned, leaning back on the couch. “I think you’re overreacting. She’s never said anything bad about you to me.” he points out — his reply only making your tone harsher,

“Of course she wouldn’t,” you replied, frustration bubbling up. “She does it when you’re not around. It’s not little stuff, Chris. She’s cruel. She treats me like… like I’m just some random person getting in the way.” your voice strained, throat threatening to close up on you as you continued to hold back your emotions.

Chris looked away, shaking his head. “Look, I know she has a strong personality, but she wouldn’t just bully you for no reason. Maybe she’s just protective.” he tried to reason. You felt your heart sink, his words hitting you like a cold splash of reality. “Protective? Chris, I’m your friend. I’ve always been there for you. I’m not some threat.” you watched his face twist — he wasn’t understanding it.

He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “I don’t know. It just feels like… maybe this isn’t as big of a deal as you’re making it.” you swallowed the hurt, nodding slowly. “Maybe you’re right,” you said, your voice barely a whisper. “Maybe… maybe you just don’t need me around anymore.”

You stood up, tears slipping down your face now as you looked down at him, feeling like you were watching the end of something you’d held so close for so long. “Wait, come on, you know it’s not like that,” he protested, standing up a flicker of panic crossing his face.

But you just shook your head, forcing a smile through your tears. “I thought you’d have my back, Chris. I thought I mattered enough to you. But I can’t keep fighting for a place in your life when it’s this one-sided.”

He steps closer, reaching for your hand, but you pull away. The distance between you feels insurmountable, like an ocean too wide to cross. He’s standing right in front of you, and yet he’s never felt so far.

There’s a long silence as he looks down to the floor, his shoulders slumping. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” he mumbled, a hand running through his hair — something you’ve grown so used to, but may not ever get to see again.

“I don’t know if I can forgive you, Chris — or her.” you whisper, feeling the weight of those words settle in your chest. His head raised to look at you — the reality settling into him. He knew — he knew what was happening and he feels so stupid for not noticing anything sooner, maybe you were right. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud.

Without another word, you walked to your front door — opening it as you looked back at chris, his feet moving him slowly. You were still crying — your chest aching with pain as he got closer. When he passed by you, stepping onto your front porch — he looked over his shoulder.

“I love you.” was all he said before walking away. The words settling in like a final goodbye, the tears flowing harder than ever now. As you closed the door, you realized that this was you letting him go — maybe for good — leaving behind the person you’d once called your best friend.

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genderoutlaws · 17 hours ago

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do you have any advice for someone feeling hopeful and hopeless and not sure where to start? people are talking about organizing and i don't want to sound dumb but i don't know what that entails really.

hey, not dumb at all. hang on to that hopefulness. i think in terms of organizing the most essential thing you or anyone can focus on right now is

joining a socialist organization near you. do your research and live your values but i know the largest membership currently resides in DSA and i believe they're doing the work to create a mass socialist party. i've crossed paths and been supported by them a lot as a union organizer and am just now officially joining after a longtime friend/comrade has been urging me to for awhile.

unionizing your workplace. please feel free to message me for more specifics, i obviously can only speak with the experience within my own coffee shop as a 24 year old and being repped by WU, but building class consciousness and building union power among the working class is vital. tenants unions are also great though i do not have personal experience with them.

wearing a mask, staying up to date on covid and h5n1 studies and educating your peers, joining a mask bloc, advocating for better air filtration in your community spaces,, if we want to organize the working class we need all of us, disabled people included. and a lot more people are disabled now from repeat sars-cov-2 infections than realize or care to admit.

look out for your unhoused neighbors. get involved with food distribution, harm reduction, mutual aid services,, Food Not Bombs is awesome and is likely to have a chapter near you. this also kinda folds into the joining an org cuz i know my DSA friends are also heavily involved in organizing against encampment sweeps and advocating for affordable housing.

this is what comes to mind immediately for me and again feel free to message me about any point if you want more direction or clarity or to just talk it out, i'm still finding my footing and always trying to be better. also this all obvs can depend on what area you're in. but generally, any organizing outside of the electoral process once every 4 years is a great starting point lol

#hope this isnt tooooo too rambly sorry #im tired 😴

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caitchercatlady · 3 days ago

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The Promise of Forever

-3rd Year Version

Inspiration song: Made You Feel My Love-Adele

*note: I decided not to include Lilia in this post because I felt it wouldn't feel right. I see Lilia has that father/grandfather figure who wouldn't be interested in a teen student character (even as MC approaches marrying age). Please forgive me.

Trey Clover

"Is everything alright, (Y/N)? You haven't reached for a cinnamon bun yet. What's--Oh, that! (Snicker) I knew it was around here somewhere. Oh, no. It's for you. Go ahead. You're really quiet, (Y/N). Do you not like it? What is it for? (Chuckle) To start the rest of our lives. (Laugh) So is that a yes?"

Cater Diamond

"Nope, you caught me at the best time, cutie. I was just finishing a little something for you. Wanna see? Pretty impressive, yeah? Well, I'll let you know a little secret. All these pictures spell out a secret message. Yuppers. Betcha don't know what it means. (Snickers) Of course, I want you to figure it out. I know how smart you are. (Gets down on one knee as you end up figuring out the collage.) You can never pop the question without the ring, you know."

Leona Kingscholar

"What do I want to do today? Ugh,, you know you can't thrust these questions onto me. I know it's our free time, and I'd rather not use it on thinking. How about you give me an easy question? What's the quickest thing I can make a decision on? Two things. One, you already know, and two, sleeping. You don't know the first thing? Hmph. Maybe this will help you remember. Based on the look on your face, I don't have to pop the question, do I, your future royal highness?"

Vil Schoenheit

"My beautiful one, it's been a long night. We've barely had time to ourselves. Yes, the praise I've received is more than warranted, but I believe my best achievement is yet to come. My dear, you must be tired. Have a seat and allow me to show you what I mean. (Pause) It is what you think it is. If you marry me, I shall show you what I must take to be the best husband in Twisted Wonderland and of your heart."

Rook Hunt

"Mon trésor. I have an urgent discussion that I hope you'll engage with. Will you lend ton oreille? Wonderful. I have un problème that has been itching me from top to bottom. You see, there is something so beautiful that I want something for my own, but it's selfish to keep a beautiful thing for yourself when the world should admire it. Trickster, what should I do? (Pause) I can be selfish once, eh? I suppose I should make my one selfish moment of weakness count, correct? Ma belle, indulge in my selfish desire and be one with me. That is my greatest wish."

Idia Shroud

"Hee! Sorry! I was gonna come out of hiding eventually. Oh, uh...I should've known you'd recognize the suit. Well, uh, I was...thinking, and I...wanted to see if it still fit. I hope that's not weird. It's not. Oh, ok. Then, I thought...maybe we can...walk outside? Uh...no...I'm gonna start using the tablet less. Anyway, do you wanna--Oh! Uh, yeah, let's...go. (Mutters) I was not expecting this. (Outside) Yeah, that's quite the light scattering in the sky there. (Mutters) Just as I hoped for. (Aloud) What? Nothing! Well, not nothing, but uh...It's a little scary be be because I...I never did this. I'm not perfect and...and...and I'm not ideal, but I...I love you, and I...I want you...forever. Will you...accept me?"

Malleus Draconia

"Shh, it's late. We must be quiet. Come. Follow me. We are going to see the moon. Yes, but you haven't witnessed the moon yet. There. The moon is in its utmost perfect position and form. Not everyone witnesses such a sight in the late of the night in their lifetime. Do you remember how we discussed our futures together? How we will share our lives together? I have never been able to share this kind moon with anyone before now. Not that the chance hadn't presented itself. More rather, I wasn't sure I was ready. Now, that I'm ready for us to watch this moon together a two, I propose that we watch this moon forever as one. May you take this ring and be the bride of my heart, Child of Man?"

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peppermint-cardboard · 2 days ago

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hey. hello my friend. i am grabbing you by the shoulders oh so gently. do not become hopeless. that is exactly what they want. blue state governments will give them hell over the next presidential term, and you can rest assured there will absolutely be people in our government fighting for democracy.

the thing we can all do that will have the most direct immediate impact and will lay the groundwork for cultures of help, creativity, and love is to get involved at the local community level.

i’m talking especially to my fellow teens here!!! may not be able to vote but that doesn’t mean we’re not able to help.

for my fellow Angelenos!

Hollywood Food Coalition - free food! you can sign up to volunteer and do meal prep (cooking), meal service (serving food), or help at their food bank. locations are on their website. thanksgiving is coming up and HFC will need volunteers!

My Friend’s Place - free aid for youth homelessness, especially queer youth homelessness. volunteering is for 18 years and older

Los Angeles LGBT Center - exactly what it sounds like. offers a wide range of wonderful services and opportunities for volunteering. also works with school GSAs!

Moonwater Farm - a community farm in Compton with great opportunities for education and sometimes paid fellowships

for people everywhere else! just some general recommendations:

The Trevor Project - queer youth services that have saved my ass a number of times. i don’t know if they call the police as part of their responses or not (offers a single-click-to-leave button in case of emergency)

TrevorSpace - a great queer youth-centered website and a very safe place for queer community and discussion

Debate Me, Bro - a great anarchist newsletter/advice column run by a friend of mine!

The Child And Its Enemies - anarchist child rights-focused podcast also run by that same friend of mine :)

Neocities - make a website! learn some HTML! it’s fun, it’s pretty simple, and it’s a way to get a message out if that’s what you want but it’s also just a great de-stresser

Queer Liberation Library - need i even elaborate on the importance of libraries and access to queer media over the coming few years? (offers a single-click-to-leave button in case of emergency)

American Civil Liberties Union - an activism and aid organization that gave the Republicans absolute hell last time and will continue to do so this time

Blackline (800-604-5841) - a crisis and help hotline prioritizing BI&POC and black queer people. will not call the police!

Trans Lifeline (US: 877-565-8860, Canada: 877-330-6366) - a helpline run by and for trans folks. has a quick escape button and will not call the police!

Wildflower Alliance Peer Support Line (888-407-4515) - a warmline to chat with trained therapists and professionals. will not call the police!

StrongHearts Native Helpline (844-762-8483) - a domestic and sexual violence helpline prioritizing Native Americans and Alaska Natives. has a quick escape button and will not call the police!

Thrive Lifeline (313-662-8209) - a live crisis warmline prioritizing marginalized people. also offers text messaging! will not call the police!

LGBT National Health Center (888-843-4564) - exactly what it sounds like! warmlines for queer people if you need help. has a quick escape button and will not call the police!

Transfeminine Science - a fantastic resource for... transfeminine science. exactly what it says on the tin.

Planned Parenthood - an incredibly prolific and important organization that offers a very wide array of vastly important services. if you live in an at least semi-urban city in the U.S., Planned Parenthood probably has a clinic near you. you should find out if they do!!!

please feel free to add more resources if you know any!!

other recommendations: say hi to a neighbor. bake someone a pie. start a garden. treat homeless people like your neighbors (because they are). propose a community movie night. have a party in your apartment building. call a friend. text a friend. draw something. cook something good. go to a restaurant you like. buy some DVDs. get a new stuffed animal. compliment a stranger’s shirt. ask for a hug. offer someone a hug. listen to music. KEEP LIVING!!!!!!!!!

don't just survive, keep living <3

#faye screams at a rock #politics #us politics #mutual aid #socialism #community organizing #social justice #grassroots #queer rights #los angeles #anarchism #?#queer #trans #trans rights

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ohbueckers · 2 hours ago

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HEART OF A WOMAN. you should call into work if that ain’t too much to ask, i could pour you up a drink and we could burn somethin’.

03, CHAPTER THREE. COME THROUGH.

ju speaks. late chapter again lol and this election fucked me uuup but thank God for writing as a distraction. you can expect another part between now and monday mayyybe… i have some free time. pairing. wnba!paige bueckers x fem!oc. warnings. same old + sexual innuendos (we’re very familiar with my edging game).

present day, may 2025.

paige: yo 6:23pm

wyd?

nailea text me back bro 6:29pm

nailea: hmmm

busy

paige: busy my ass

nailea disliked a message

nailea: i’ve been at work all day. some of us don’t get to just play basketball, madison 😓

paige: ohhh is that right?

i’ll have you know i work hard af ma

nailea: hard enough for a reward?

paige loved a message

paige: bring that ass over here nai

nailea: i’ve got emails to finish

paige: they’ll be there tomorrow

i’m here right now. waitin on you actually

nailea: maybe i have been thinking ab it 6:32pm

paige: mhm?

well you ain’t gotta think no more let’s just do

nailea laughed at a message

nailea: you’re really ridiculous

paige: come over and tell me that to my face

nailea: depends on what you got there

a girl needs incentives

read 6:35pm

paige: i got plenty

few drinks, maybe roll up too. thought that might get you

nailea: it’s a start

send the address, i’ll come through when i’m done

paige loved a message

i sink back into the couch, letting my head rest against the arm, my feet comfortably draped across paige’s lap. the last few days, i tried to keep myself busy, focus on work, ignore the way my phone would vibrate and my thoughts would jump straight to her. the same old game. she’d sent a few texts, nothing too serious, just little things to test the waters i guess, and when she called yesterday, talking about how much she missed me, i could already tell she was pulling me back in, trying to see if that thread between us would hold.

paige kept her word, though—i can give her that. i said i’d answer, and she made sure i’d have a reason to. she knew exactly what to say, and it’s a shame that she always does, really. it’s messed up, but it works. i can’t say i haven’t missed this, either. the way she can look at me and make me forget everything i swore i’d remember, every reason i should’ve walked away.

and now, here we are, the sun setting behind her window and casting everything, even her, in some warm, orange glow that only makes her look all the more attractive. it’s like the universe is playing along, trying to romanticize something i know i should be more careful with. there’s an old celtics game playing on the tv, but neither of us is really paying attention to it. i watch her more than the screen, notice the way her fingers brush absentmindedly over my leg, the way she insists that she should be the one to hold the joint to my lips.

paige leans back, and her hand has inched from my ankle to a casual spot on my bare thigh. we’re both too deep in drinks and hits to make sense of it, but i’m not sure i would’ve said anything even if i was sober. she’s wearing one of her uconn tees, which i guess you could call old now, the shirt hugging her arms a little tight. her hair’s falling over her shoulders, looking a little shriveled but still perfect, and every time she glances at me, she wears this smug little smirk.

“…feels like everything i knew it’d be. more work and pressure than it seems, but you know me,” paige says, her grin turning a little self-satisfied, like she’s relishing every second of her own success. we’ve been catching up—if that’s what you’d call it—for awhile now. i should probably leave soon, sober up and drive home. i’m not that far. but i don’t want to.

she drags her tongue slowly over her bottom lip, eyes hazily drifting back over to me. “what about you, huh?” she asks. “you got that insane move up. what’s that been like?”

i roll my eyes, tilting my head against the couch arm to look at her. “it’s not that insane.”

paige grins, shrugging and taking a sip of her lazy attempt at a cocktail. i’d offered to make them myself, honestly not trusting the blonde to not fuck it up, but she’d insisted, hostess duties or something.

“still sounds like a pretty big deal. you’re all professional and shit now,” she rambles, and i can’t help but chuckle at her choice of words.

i shake my head, hiking one of my legs up. “it’s not like i’m paige bueckers or anything,” i tease, a stupid, huge smile on my face. how is she able to bring out the worst and the best in me? “no one’s asking me to sign their shoes after a meeting.”

she laughs, eyes half-lidded and glassy, gaze intimidatingly lingering on me just a little too long. “bet you got your own version of that, though. people hangin’ on your every word, just tryna get a second of your time. don’t lie.”

i shrug, eyes shooting away from her. i don’t get how she does it. “i mean, it’s been good,” i admit. “long hours, but it’s nice to finally get involved the way i always wanted to, y’know?”

her hand shifts a little on my thigh, just enough to remind me it’s there, and i glance down. “coulda called that years ago,” she murmurs, barely louder than a whisper. then, it’s silent for a moment. just long enough for me to think of something else to ask her before she beats me to it. “you happy?”

i swallow, suddenly feeling a little hot in the face. “i am,” i reply after a pause, furrowing my eyebrows with a nod, almost like i’m trying to convince myself of it. “the dream, right?” i let out a breathy laugh, and paige smiles.

it’s silly to think that the both of us could recall that conversation like it was yesterday. but this wasn’t the dream. not the one we had when we were kids. just our own fucked up, adult version of it. and somehow, someway, we’re still here. somehow, someway, we still can’t let it go.

“and the people? they treat you right?” she sounds like she really cares, but is still trying not to press too hard.

“everyone’s good. most of them, anyway.” she can probably see through every word i say. pick up on the way i describe everything as good. i hesitate, looking back up at her. “never thought i’d be this close with a pro team after graduating, that’s for sure.”

“bro, ‘kea really don’t play ‘bout you,” paige laughs, but she’s serious. rickea’s one of the first people i got close with during my internship, contrary to belief. i was barely around the team then, too. “and maya’s been talking all kinds of good about you since cam’s party.”

i can feel my face flush, and i shift to sit up next to her, suddenly acutely aware of how close i am to paige, how tangled up i’ve let myself become. the mention of her name has clearly been a sore subject. i’m not sure why i feel so guilty, paige was mine first, but my mind flashes to her anyway, and then to paige, who’s probably hearing everything maya’s been saying about me, while i’m here, in the middle of all of it.

i don’t wanna ask what she’s been saying, and i surely don’t wanna press further into how deep paige and maya might be. ignorance is bliss, right? but shouldn’t it be my business? is paige still my business?

instead, i force a shrug. “i mean, it’s not like we’re on the same level,” i say, clearly selling myself a little short. maya’s been here longer, knows what she’s doing better than i do. credit never hurt.

paige doesn’t say anything. she inches just a little bit closer, and the sound of a sold out stadium of cheers from tatum’s three pointer is suddenly going in one ear and out the other. a small smirk tugs at her lips, and she tilts her head, eyes not sure what to focus on as she rubs up and down on my thigh, hand inching a little higher everytime. “i agree.”

i squint at her. “you do?” but it’s less of a question. my eyes flick to her lips, and i know she catches it because her smile widens, just a little.

“mhm,” she murmurs, her fingers twisting in, gripping my thigh until i’m squeezing my legs together. there’s a moment of silence, like she’s giving me a moment to breathe, to prepare, and she’s not done. “nobody’s fuckin’ with you, baby. believe that.”

i can feel my defenses slipping—not that they were ever really there anyway—as she presses closer, and i feel a warmth spreading through me, one that has nothing to do with the la heat. “what are we even doing, p?” i ask, and i don’t know where it came from. no part of me wanted to start an argument, or worse, hear the truth. i can’t look away.

she shifts, her expression softening as she glances down, then up again. she doesn’t know the answer either. “i dunno. what we always do.” she leans back a little, resting her head on the couch right near my chest, so close that her breath brushes against me with each exhale.

i tilt my head down, just enough to meet her blue hues, and the words come out before i even realize i’m saying them. “i’m supposed to be over this. over you.”

the second they’re out, i wish i could take them back. i didn’t wanna ruin the moment. the way her face changes, her jaw tightening and a flicker of something unreadable flashing in her eyes, tells me i’ve hit a nerve. a silence falls between us, an uncomfortable one if i’m honest, stretching longer than i mentally prepared myself for.

paige screws her eyes shut, letting out a low, frustrated breath as she sits up, running a hand over her face like she’s trying to gather herself. the loss of her touch makes me feel cold. “fuck, nai.”

i push myself up too, eyebrows are furrowed as i try to make sense of it. “what? i just asked a question.”

“you always gotta make shit so fuckin’ difficult,” she mutters, shaking her head like this whole thing is somehow my fault. like i’m the one complicating it.

i frown, glancing down, and she continues. “you’re just—God, nai, it’s like you can’t just let things be. you always gotta question it, question me.” she bites down on her lip. she’s actually upset, and the horrible part about it is that it’s so like her—so unmistakably paige—that somehow, i can’t even bring myself to be mad.

i want to laugh. “why does that piss you off?” i don’t want to say it, but the words slip out anyway. “you think you’ve given me any reason not to? especially now that you’re seeing maya?”

her head crooks to look at me, and her eyes narrow with it. “what the fuck does maya have to do with this?”

i can feel the heat in my face, the way everything inside me tightens, like i’ve been holding my breath for way too long. “what do you mean, what’s she got to do with it? you’re seeing her, paige. i’m not blind.”

her jaw clenches tighter than before, and she stands up, pacing a few steps before turning back to me. “we’re not—” she pauses, clearly trying to find her words, but i’m not giving her the time.

“that’s all i need to know,” i finish, forcing a tight-lipped grin. “you don’t have to lie. i’m quite sick of those from you, actually.” i chuckle, but it’s a hollow sound, one that doesn’t even make it past my throat. i reach for my shoes that i tossed to the side when i got here, pulling them onto my feet.

paige watches, hands on her hips, and i’m fine with her quiet. “i don’t want you to leave upset with me over somethin’ we coulda talked about,” she softens, but it doesn’t change the fact that i’m already over it.

“i’m not upset with you,” i bluff, and i tie the laces of my sneakers a little tighter than necessary.

she glances down, tongue swarming her mouth, and i don’t even have to look at her to know that she’s thinking of some way to stop me. “nai—“ she starts.

“i’m not upset,” i repeat, and i hope it was more firm this time. i force myself to look her in the eyes, not a single thought behind them. neither of us is willing to be the first to back down, but i’m too exhausted to care anymore. “i just need to go,” i finish, standing up and rounding the couch.

paige’s face drops, hesitation etched across her entire face. “you can’t leave. you had too much. just… stay, aight? we’ll figure it ou—”

i grab my jacket, ignoring her weak attempts. somehow, this all feels like that night again, and i feel that familiar nausea creep up. “i’ll call a fucking uber,” i snap, throwing the door open. and before she can stop me, i’m gone, my pulse racing as i step out into the hall, leaving behind the sound of her voice.

i don’t think i’m very good at pretending i’m not upset.

#paige bueckers #paige bueckers x oc #paige bueckers fic #paige bueckers fanfiction #paige bueckers uconn #paige bueckers smut #paige bueckers x fem #paige bueckers blog #ju’s anons 🪅#wlw fanfic #wlw fiction #wlw yearning #wlw smut #wlw post #wlw blog #lgbtq fanfiction #lgbtqia

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lookingfts · 2 days ago

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The trolls are back - here's how to deal with them

The anon harassers are back in the fandom after a hiatus, and I know this is an especially sensitive time for a lot of people. So I just want to share a few things (that can apply to any fandom) about my experience and how I've dealt with them in the past.

First, and this is the single most important thing, the harassment is NOT about you or your story. It is 1000% entirely about them. There was a time when the stories that got attacked were about specific themes they didn't enjoy. Then it was just every story that was remotely popular. Now, who even knows, it's just everything. Do you know what that tells me? It's not about the writer, or the story. (They've attacked some of THE most talented writers in the fandom and some of THE best stories.) It's about their jealousy over someone else creating something that is loved by others. It's their jealousy over not knowing what their purpose is in life and not knowing what they have to give, so rather than figuring that out, they'll just attack people who have found their gift. So, fuck them for that.

Second! Please believe me that I understand if this impacts your mental health. It's straight up cyberbullying, and that sucks, especially when you're making yourself vulnerable by putting your heart into something and sharing it with the world. So I will not judge you if you need to take a step back. But I would argue that the better way to give them the finger is to ignore them and keep doing what you enjoy. They've already chased several authors out of the fandom, and it clearly hasn't satisfied them at all - they won't be happy until every last person stops writing, for some fucking reason.

Third, here's how I got rid of (the vast majority of) the harassment, as I was getting it pretty bad at one point. First, change your comments on AO3 to "Only registered users can comment." You might literally have to go back and do it for all your stories. It's a pain in the ass, and it cuts off users without an account from commenting, and I know that sucks. But I promise it will solve 90% of the problem.

For shitty comments from a registered account, just go ahead and block those people.

If they send you asks on Tumblr (I get those too), just keep blocking. Go to your inbox, click the three dots in the top right corner of the message, and hit Block sender. You can even do this with Anonymous asks, and it will block Anonymous messages from THAT sender without blocking Anonymous asks altogether (a feature I dearly wish AO3 would adopt).

You can also report comments on AO3 and Tumblr - I'm not much of an expert in this, but it's an option.

There were other steps I had to take, but I don't want to give the harassers any ideas (I know they read my posts). So if you have issues beyond this, feel free to reach out to me directly and I can share more, or help you figure out how to deal with it.

I hope this helps. Fic writing is a fun, beautiful creative expression with a wonderful community and I am sick of watching people be pushed out of it. It is not a reflection on your talent, and if anything, shows me that the harasser read and liked your fic and THAT is what pisses them off. If it was truly bad, they wouldn't care. I love all of you writers, and I believe in you, and I am here for you. Together, there are so many more of us than there are of them.

#bridgerton #kanthony #kate x anthony #anthony x kate #bridgerton fic

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lovegalor333 · 2 days ago

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fresh start

part three (chapter 7-9) previous part • next part

word count: 7.1k

content warnings: panic attack mentions of selfh*rm and depression

Lily

"What time does your shift start?" Madison asked me as we sat together eating breakfast in our apartment.

Kelsey and Hannah both had classes today so had already left but Madison and I had Wednesdays free.

"Not until 11." I glance at my phone, it was currently 9:45AM. "But I'm going to get there a little bit earlier because I don't actually know what I'm doing."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be fun!" My roommate reassures. "Are you nervous?"

"Kinda, I don't want to mess anything up and I just hope everyone likes me." I say honestly.

"Hey, who couldn't like Lily? You're a ball of sunshine!" Madison compliments, "Don't stress it, they know it's your first day, I'm sure they'll be easy on you."

"I hope so." I huff finishing off my cereal before taking my bowl to the kitchen to clean it.

I had almost completed my first full week at UConn and I counted my blessings that it had been going well. I had made friends, enjoyed my first taste of classes and found a job. All things that worried me when it came to transferring. I'd also unintentionally met Paige and I don't know what the future holds with that but it feels nice right now.

We hadn't seen each other since our 'date' a few days ago but we started an almost constant message thread on Instagram. Paige sent the first message yesterday morning and it's basically been nonstop, back and forth from us both.

As if she knew I was thinking about her, my phone pinged with a notification,

[lily.kent] paigebueckers

just spoke to janet, you will be with us today

try not to stare pretty girl, you'll distract me

I smiled at the confirmation that I would be working with Paige and her teammates today, it put my mind at ease considering I'd met most of them already and of course I'd get to see Paige.

I cliked on the dm she had just sent and replied,

i cant make any promises

It was 10AM and my phone pinged again with my daily medication reminder. I went to my bedroom and swallowed down the pills that were singlehandedly keeping me alive. Without them, my brain just doesn't know how to function, it goes into full self destruct mode and getting out of that is the hardest thing of all.

I definitely still have some days that are hard despite being on medication but they're easier to deal with and come around less often.

I had decided a second coffee of the day was a good idea and I had just enough time to pick it up from, what's quickly becoming my usual spot, before my shift started.

The late August air was still warm so I had opted for a low waisted pair of jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt that stopped just before my bellybutton so the perfect amount of skin was showing.

I picked up my favourite order of an iced caramel latte with almond milk and took a slow walk to the athletics building, taking in my surroundings. More and more students had returned to campus over the weekend and beginning of this week so it was busy.

It reminded me of my old college and for a moment I was back there, in Massachusetts with no friends and just having been outed and anxiety hit me like a truck I almost toppled over.

I navigated myself to the nearest bench and sat down in an attempt to regulate my strained breathing. I remembered what my therapist had told me about panic attacks and how to handle them. I focused on my senses.

What was one thing I could taste? Coffee.

What was one thing I could hear? My heart pounding.

What was one thing I could feel? My phone clutched tight in my hand.

What was one thing I could smell? The perfume I had sprayed earlier.

What was one thing I could see? My eyes were closed in an attempt to block out everything around me but I opened them and one thing I could see was someone walking towards me.

My vision was slightly blurred as it always is when I have a panic attack but as they got closer it was clear it was Kayla.

"Lily, are you OK?" She asks dropping her bag down and kneeling in front of me.

"Yeah." I manage but it comes out unconvincing and shaky.

"Did something happen?" I can't even get myself verbalise anything this time so I just shake my head. Kayla quickly realises that I'm in so state to talk so she sits beside me and gently rubs my back until I eventually calm down.

"I have panic attacks sometimes." I tell the girl next to me, finally able to talk without feeling like my lungs were going to explode.

"How do you feel now?" She asks, a look of concern on her face.

"I'm OK now, a little shaky. They come out of nowhere most of the time." I explain, taking a sip of my coffee - which probably isn't helping.

"I can tell Janet you need to push back your start day, she'd understand."

I shake my head sternly, "No way. I'm not giving up before I have even started." I say standing up, my legs still slightly weak.

"It wouldn't be giving up Lily. Everyone has struggles." Kayla tries to empathise but I've already started walking to the athletics building again.

"I'm seriously fine, I've struggled with a lot worse than a panic attack." I blurt before realising Kayla knows nothing about my past.

"Ok, well maybe lets just take five before going in? You've still got fifteen minutes." She says looking at her watch.

"Ok." I give in and Kayla and I stand side by side as I take a few deep breaths.

"You got this and I got you." Kayla says after a few minutes of silence as she wraps me into a hug.

I hug her back, "Thank you, K. Sorry for the freak out, I can usually keep it under control."

"No need to apologise, I'm glad you weren't alone. Panic attacks can be scary." She says as we walk into the building and begin our way to the offices, a route I'm familiar with now.

"Do you mind not telling anyone?" I ask sheepishly.

I'd rather be the one to tell Paige about things, I didn't want her to hear it secondhand from anyone else.

Kayla mimes zipping her lips and I smile at her in response just before we step into Janets office.

"Hello Lily! Happy first day!" Janet beams standing up to greet me.

"Hi Janet, thank you. I'm super excited." I beam back putting on my best fake smile as I push back the remnants of the panic attack I just had.

Janet explains what my day will look like, "So the basketball girls are already on the court but open practice officially starts at 11:30. That's when you'll go in with the rest of the media outlets. You'll be working alongside Marcus who writes the sports column in the UConn newsletter. He'll explain your job more but write down as much as you can, take photos and videos and just be yourself!" She smiles and hands me a folder with the Huskies logo on the front with my name printed beneath it.

I open the folder and find a notebook, multiple pens and a mini microphone, the kind that plugs into your phone that you see tiktokers using in their videos.

"Oh there you are. Marcus, meet Lily. Lily, meet Marcus." Janet says and I spin around to the door that Marcus had just walked through.

"Hi Lily." Marcus says stretching out his hand for me to shake and I do. "Hi Marcus."

I wasn't expecting Marcus to be a fellow student but he was, he didn't look much older than me and had dark brown hair and eyes to match. He was handsome for sure, I'm lesbian but I could appreciate a mans beauty.

Marcus and I quickly acquainted as he told me exactly what we'd be doing today. It wasn't much different from what Janet had explained and before I knew it, we were walking down to the basketball court.

Paige

The ball had just left my hand and I knew it was cash, from my spot on the three-point line, when the doors to the court opened. My eye's flicked to the large digital clock on the wall, it was 11:30, media were here.

I watched intently as familiar faces filtered into the room and then one familiar face in particular brought a smile to my face, Lily.

Her effortless beauty always seemed to catch me off guard. Still being new to each other, I was seeing Lily in a new way each time. Today was the first time I'd seen her with her hair tied up, her perfect facial features on full display. She had a simple outfit on but the sliver of stomach on show between her jeans and shirt did something to me. I wanted to run across the court and hold her in my arms, feel her skin on mine, tell her how pretty she looked. Her smile shone from meters away and I could just about make out her sweet laugh over all the commotion going on.

I was so focused on Lily, I didn't notice the aggravatingly good looking guy stood beside her, until his hand came into contact with her arm.

Who was he and why was he touching her?

I watched intently as he pointed over to the stands where some of the media people had already began setting up. In all fairness, it looked like he was just explaining something to her but either way, he didn't need to make physical contact.

"You got some competition, P?" Jana joke nudging my side, obviously seeing the same thing as me.

I scoff, "That kids got nothing on me." I say and bounce the ball again few times before shooting another perfect three.

I glance back in Lilys direction to find her already looking in mine a small smile on her face, she raises her eyebrows and nods slightly as if to say "not bad", I give a quick bow in response and go to retrieve the ball.

We shoot around a little more before we all disperse to the different media outlets waiting to ask us questions.

My eyes fall to Lily more than I'd like to admit and I had to ask for a few questions to be repeated due to my lack of concentration. Lily never reciprocated any of my stolen looks because she was so engrossed in her job; jotting down notes, recording interviews and laughing along with the girls.

After what felt like an eternity, I was finally stood with Lily and Mr Shaggy Hair.

"Hi Paige, Marcus with UConn newsletter and this is-" Marcus introduced himself and tried introducing Lily.

"I know Lily." I say making eye contact with the brunette girl to the right of me.

"Hi Paige." She says softly, phone in hand already pointed in my direction.

"Paige, this was your first summer without injury, what did you do that you haven't been able to in previous years?" Marcus asks, pen poised to take an necessary notes.

I answered all of Marcus' questions before I had to move on, "Thank you, Paige. Nice speaking to you." He smiled genuinely. "Thank you, you too." I smiled back trying my best to also be genuine but probably failing.

I intentionally brushed my body against Lilys as I passed her, using my hands to manoeuvre around her small frame.

We wrapped media and hour or so later and the team and I were free to go but I lingered, shooting random shots while Lily and Marcus had a discussion before they packed up their things.

Marcus left but not before hugging Lily goodbye, I rolled my eyes watching the interaction before making my way over to her.

"My favourite journalist." I say draping my arm over her shoulder and pulling her close.

She laughed, "I wouldn't say journalist, I'm just helping out."

"Ok, my favourite helper-outer then." I tease and we both watch as the final few people exit the court, leaving us alone.

Lilys arm swiftly navigates itself around my waist and she steps in front of me, her other arm looping around my torso also so she was hugging me. Both my arms wrapped around her shoulders and we just held each other for a few seconds.

"So...Marcus?" I drag out looking down at the girl in my arms. I feel her body shake with a little giggle, "Handsome guy, right?" She says pulling away and looking up at me. A scowl forms on my face, "Not really." I say matter of factly crossing my arms.

"Oh, is this jealous Paige?" She asks jutting out her hip and placing her hand on the other. I turn away from her, "No..."

"Oh, I think it is." She says walking around and standing in front of me, extremely close, our toes are touching and her body heat is radiating onto me. She brings her hand to my face and directs me to look at her, "I am one hundred percent gay, Paige." Lily reassures her eyes looking directly into mine.

When we first met, Lily would never hold eye contact with me, as much as I tried but now she was and I could see every single fleck in her eyes. The light brown points making them sparkle under the bright lights.

"And I am one hundred percent regretting agreeing to keep this a secret." I say truthfully now bringing my hand to her face, stroking her cheek gently.

"But just us knowing is so..hot." She says soft and breathy. "The secret glances and touches." She continues, her hand smoothing down my chest to my stomach.

Her eyes linger on my lips and I run my tongue along them.

"Don't do that."

"What?" I ask innocently but a smirk creeps onto my face.

"Don't lick your lips while we're this close."

"Why not?"

She doesn't answer and we stand in silence, tension rising between us as the seconds go on. I move my free hand to her waist and pull her closer, if that was even possible and my hand on her face moves to her neck. I lean down and Lily leans up and after what feels like decades of waiting our lips reach each others and we kiss.

It's needy but delicate and everything and more that I'd imagined it to be. Getting a taste of Lily made me realise I'll never get enough. Her hands are all over me. My stomach, my back, my hips. She kisses me harder with an urgency I never knew I needed.

When we finally pull away from each other, both our chests are rising and falling at a quickened pace. Lilys lips are blushed and plump and they break into a soft, swollen smile.

"Let's get out of here," She says grabbing my hand, "and hope no one was watching the cameras." I'm still speechless as I follow her out of the basketball court, our hands linked together.

I drive me and Lily around Storrs for the best part of a few hours. Lily has her phone connected to my car and is playing her favourite songs.

Her playlists were filled with Lana Del Rey and I think it suited her perfectly. Lily was the embodiment of a Lana Del Rey song, the softness and vulnerability of Lanas vocals complemented the girl next to me without fault.

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

Lily

I'd barely left the confines of my bedroom in the past two days. I only got up from my bed to pee and grab bottles of water which were now scattered around my room, empty.

Kelsey, Hannah and Madison had periodically been coming in to check on me and bring me whatever food they had ordered in or cooked that day. I'm guessing at some point during all of this, Kelsey had somewhat explained to our other roommates what she had discovered about me, because no one asked questions and that's how I liked it.

I didn't have the mental capacity to explain the way I was feeling or why I was feeling it when I couldn't even understand it myself.

After having the panic attack on Wednesday, everything inside of me felt...off. After throwing myself into my first day at work, I spent the afternoon with Paige and it gave my mind respite from itself. But once I was home and alone with my thoughts, they took over and refused to be tamed.

I went through Thursday in an altered state, so distracted by everything in my head, I felt like I was watching myself from a third persons perspective. The day didn't seem real.

One thing that was clear though was my time spent with Paige. She met me after my final class of the day and we just sat and spoke and enjoyed each others company. Things felt lighter with Paige, easier to handle but I was not Paiges responsibility and I was not about to become a burden to her either.

Kissing Paige on Thursday night was bittersweet because I knew I wouldn't be seeing for a few days at least. I could feel myself slipping into a deep depressive episode and along with that came a whole lot of self isolation.

I isolate myself when I get like this to save the people around me. I'm a ticking time bomb when my thoughts darken and I wanted to minimise the casualties. I was the only casualty allowed.

I cried when Paige dropped me home. I cried for me and this inevitable dark cloud that appears whenever it feels like it. I cried for her because she had no idea what was going on. I cried for us because things were going well and I was about to ruin it.

I skipped classes on Friday and slept most of Saturday. Sleeping when I feel like this is the only time I have that allows the feeling to pause.

It was Sunday now and my roommates had invited me to go to brunch with them, of course I declined. I think they knew deep down what my answer was going to be but they asked anyway.

Kelsey hugged me tight before they left, telling me to call her if I needed to, I just hummed in response and watched the girls with sympathetic smiles on their faces leave.

Getting up from my place in bed, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. My hair was bundled in a bun on top of my head, undoubtedly tangled to hell. I had an oversized t-shirt on that I had previously cut to be off-the-shoulder. I looked a mess but I didn't have the energy or care enough to do anything about it.

The healed marks on my arm teased me to feel that of so familiar, temporary relief of physical pain. It was a mental battle that I had won up until today.

Paige

I knocked on Kaylas apartment door after hours, days actually, of deliberation.

"Oh hey, Paige." Kayla says smiling, opening her door for me to step in.

"Hi Kayla." I gave her a small smile in return that makes it obvious that somethings wrong. I've never been good at hidding my feelings.

"What's wrong?" She asks, perching on the edge of her couch.

I sit down too, unsure how to approach the subject without making overly obvious that something was going on between me and Lily.

"Have you spoken to Lily at all?" I ask, not really caring what Kayla thought, worry taking precedent.

She shakes her head, "No, I haven't. Not since Wednesday." She tells me. "Why?"

"I just haven't heard from her in a few days. I've tried messaging but had nothing in response." I explain.

It looks as though something clicks in Kaylas head when I say this but she doesn't speak up.

"What?" I push for her to say what she's thinking.

"Something happened on Wednesday. I promised Lily I wouldn't say anything though."

"What happened Kayla?" I ask, my heart rate increasing at the thought of something bad happening to Lily.

"I really can't say Paige. She asked me not to."

Ouch.

"She asked you not to tell me?"

"Not you specifically, anyone." Kayla says.

"I'm worried." I admit.

"Have you been to her apartment?"

I nod, "I walked past today and yesterday. I rang the buzzer but there was no answer."

"I could try calling her." Kayla suggests pulling out her phone.

"Please." I urge and watch as she presses call on Lilys contact.

The phone rings and rings and eventually goes to voicemail.

"I'm going to her apartment and if I have to break in, I will." Is all I say before leaving Kaylas apartment.

My mind reels with scenarios that could have happened to make Lily go completely MIA as I make the short trip to her building.

As I pull up, someone is leaving the apartment block and I jog from my car to catch the entrance door before it closes and I have no way of getting in.

I take the stairs two at a time to reach Lilys floor and I knock on the door.

Nothing.

I knock again, louder this time.

Still nothing.

Clearly her roommates were not home because they would have answered.

I knock again.

"Lily," I call out her name desperate for a response, "It's Paige."

I wait a while before knocking for the fourth time when I hear the latch of the door click and it slowly creaks open revealing Lily. She looks different, tired, like exhausted and...sad.

"Oh my god, Lily." I exclaim basically forcing myself through the door. "Are you OK?" I ask, my arms instinctively wrapping around her.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice is quiet and shaky and it takes me aback, she usually sounds so upbeat and cheerful.

"Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for days. I went to Kaylas, she said something happened on Wednesday. What happened on Wednesday?" My words are rushed and messy.

"She had no right to tell you that. I asked her not to." Lily says, now out of my arms, she crosses hers over herself.

"I was worried. What happened Lils? Talk to me."

She just looks at me with heavy eyes and takes staggered steps towards the couch before sitting down.

"Is it me? Have I done something?"

"It's not yo-"

"Just tell me if I have. I'll fix it. I really like you Lily." I cut her off before she can finish her sentence.

"Paige." She says getting my attention, "It's not you. Please will you sit down."

"Was it Marcus? I'll kill him if he's done anything to you." I say now thinking of the worst possible things.

"Paige!" Lily says louder this time, "Just sit down." She flings out her arm that was across her chest motioning for me to sit next to her and as she does I notice array of white lines. Healed scars bestrewn across her wrist and inner arm.

She looks from me to her extended arm and quickly pulls it back to her chest before getting up and walking, fast to her room.

I follow after her in silence, unsure what to say in the moment.

When I reach her bedroom, shes pulling a sweater on over her baggy t-shirt.

"Lily.." I begin but I don't really know what to say next.

"You don't have to say anything Paige." She says, sensing my hesitation.

"I want to say something. I just don't know how." I tell her truthfully.

"Just say what you're thinking."

"What happened?"

"When - on Wednesday or what happened to cause my scars?" She asks sitting on her bed, crossing her legs.

"Both." I breathe out going and sitting next to her.

Lily inhales deeply, "I'll tell you, but I want you to know that's its OK if you want to leave after. I'll understand."

"I have nowhere to be today."

"No. I mean like really leave. Leave this," She motioned between us. "before it becomes something."

"Lily, why would I want to leave?" I ask genuinely. Theres nothing that she could say to me right now that would make me want to walk away.

"Because Paige, I'm a burden and being around me when I'm like this quickly becomes exhausting." She says, her head bowed down looking into her lap.

"Don't say that!" My voice comes out louder than I wanted and Lily looks up at me taken aback. "Sorry," I mummble. "but please don't say that. Being around you is not exhausting, I've never felt more alive than when I'm with you, Lily." I shuffle my body over to her, closing the gap between us on her bed.

We're side by side with our backs against the headboard, my legs extended in front of me and Lily's crossed in front of her. I place my hand delicately on her thigh to let her know I'm here whenever she's ready talk.

It takes her a while and we sit comfortably in silence, my hand on her leg and eventually her head on my shoulder, before she speaks.

Lily tells me everything. From her depression diagnosis at thirteen to her somewhat recent breakup and being outted and how that ultimately resulted in her attempting to take her own life. She explained the scars on her arm were self inflicted and she said it was hard to explain but she would rather feel something physically than mentally so thats why she did it.

As much as it was hard for her to explain, it was equally hard for me to understand. I didn't want to think of Lily hurt and understand it.

She had a panic attack on Wednesday that started this most recent episode. She said they come every so often without warning, she's on medication that helps her get through most days but she still has moments that she can't control.

I stayed mostly silent while Lily bravely shared such a vulnerable part of her. She cried at points and I wiped her tears but I didn't ask any questions, I just wanted to listen.

"Do you think I'm crazy." She sniffles, lifting her head from my shoulder to look at me.

I shake me head, "No baby. I don't think you're crazy. I think you've been through a lot in your life. A lot of shit that you didn't deserve. But what matters is, you're here. You're here trying, despite it all and I'm proud of you." I tell the doe eyed girl infront of me.

I place a hand on each of her cheeks and hold her face, wiping strays tears as they fall. I plant a kiss to her forehead, then one on the tip of her nose and I hover my lips over hers unsure if now is the time but Lily's the one to close the space, pressing her mouth to mine.

I kiss her gently at first as if scared to break her but Lily pushes deeper into the kiss, harder. Without breaking us apart, she manoeuvres herself on top of me, straddling my thighs. My hands find her hips like they were made for them and I hold on to her desperately as we continue to kiss.

"I don't want this to change the way you see me." Lily says breathlessly as we break away from each other.

"I knew you before I knew this and that's the Lily I see. The one who buys coffee for her friends when they're hungover, the one who smiles at everyone, the one who works hard. That's the Lily I know." I say to her as she stays sat in my lap, my hands caressing their way up her back.

"If it gets too much...if I get too much, I'll understand." Lily says playing with the strings of my hoodie.

"Can you stop saying stuff like that?" I take her hands in mine, "I want to be here. With you. Right now. Do you understand that? I'm choosing to be here Lily."

She nods a small nod letting me know she heard what I was saying.

Lily flips her leg off of me so shes back at my side. I shuffle down the bed slightly and pull her into me, my arm around her shoulders and head on my chest.

"One thing Lily," I say and she hums in response. "if you ever, ever get the urge to hurt yourself again, please come to me first. You're not alone anymore, I promise you."

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Lily

This week was going considerably better than last week, thank god.

Paige had spent most of Sunday laid next to me in my bed, even when my roommates returned from their brunch plans, she didn't move. I was falling in and out of sleep for the majority of the day, my emotions had exhausted me and with my head on Paiges chest and my body encapsulated by her arms, I felt a sense of peace that I hadn't for a long time.

Paige reluctantly left my apartment that night after making me promise to never isolate myself from her again. She made it abundantly clear that I can always be open and honest with her and she'd never judge me. I made the promise, but I knew it would be hard to keep.

Wednesday had rolled around again and I had a completely free day. No classes, no homework and I wasn't due in work at all this week. From speaking to Marcus, it sounded like things got busier once the sports season really starts, which isn't until next week.

"Delivery for Miss Kent." Madison says in faux accent knocking on my bedroom door, coffee in hand.

"Ugh, I love you!" I say standing up from my place in bed and taking the iced drink from my roommate. I took a sip straight away and immediately felt like I could take on the day.

"What are your plans for today?" I ask Madison as we walk together from my room to the living room, each taking a seat on the couch.

"I have to get in the library today, how am I already behind? Actually, more importantly, who sets assignments on the first week?" She dramatically asks, eyes wide.

"Oh that's rough. My professors went easy on us." I say silently thanking the college gods.

"So what are your plans for today then?"

"I'm not really sure, I might take a walk around campus and maybe meet Kelsey when she breaks for lunch." I tell Madison my unofficial plans.

I wasn't sure what I'd spend my day doing but I knew I needed to do something, giving my mind downtime was dangerous. I didn't need to sit and think about everything, ever.

"Not seeing Paige?" Madison asks curiously and my head shoots in her direction but I try and play off my surprise.

"Um, no, why would I see Paige?" I lie.

I would love to see Paige today. I hadn't seen her properly since Sunday. I saw her on Monday when I'd popped into the office to meet with Marcus and we'd sneakily made out in an empty bathroom. And we'd briefly bumped into each other yesterday but she was with KK and I was with Kelsey so we kept it short. Maybe I'll message her and see if she's free.

"Oh I don't know, she only spent the whole day here on Sunday. In your room...with the door closed."

My cheeks flushed at the insinuation Madison was hinting at even though nothing like that happened between us. The most Paige I did was was kiss and OK, maybe I was in her lap and maybe I did get flustered and maybe I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her hands on my bare skin and her mouth on mine...

I'm texting Paige.

"We're just friends." I say matter-of-factly, standing up to go and find my phone.

"Uh huh," Madison pretended to agree, "sure you are."

Paige had finally asked for my number after days of using Instagram DMs as our only form of contact.

She had tried to save her contact as Buckets with a serious of drooling emojis but I overruled and we decided on Paige with a star emoji.

good morning p <3

good morning pretty girl

what are u doing today?

wanna hang?

miss me?

duh

ive got practice now but meet me after?

at like 11

i miss you too

ok see u soon 💋

I decided to take my time getting myself ready before meeting Paige. I took a hot shower and washed my hair using all my favourite products.

My phone was propped up on my vanity as i straightened my hair, Emma, my best friend from home, took up the entire screen as we were on FaceTime.

I caught Emma up on my first week at UConn, my account was explicit, there was nothing I couldn't say to my best friend. She begged for pictures of Paige but I didn't have any to send, "I'll take one today." I tell her as I begin applying my makeup.

I keep it natural with a skin tint, brow gel, mascara and of course lip liner, my one true love.

I bid farewell to Emma before hanging up, telling her I miss her dearly and she agrees that she has to come and visit me soon.

With my phone still in my hand, I decided to snap a picture and send it to Paige letting her know I'm ready.

I didn't expect one of Paiges usual quick responses considering she was at practice so I did the final touches to get myself ready before leaving.

Madison had called out a goodbye while I was on FaceTime so I left the empty apartment, locking the door behind me.

The walk to the training facilities wasn't far and took me less than fifteen minutes to reach. Even though I wasn't working today, I had my Staff ID badge around my neck to make it looked like I belonged there.

Walking into the building, I assumed I had arrived just after training had finished. The usual squeak of basketball shoes and balls was nowhere to be found. I made my way to the court peeking through the glass in the door seeing who was around.

My eyes landed on a lonely Paige, dribbling the ball before taking a shot. I couldn't see the basket but could only assume that UConns star girl had made it effortlessly.

I swung the door open and walked in, immediately grabbing Paiges attention. Her previous, serious expression softened as she looked at me, smiling now. We both took rushed steps across the court towards each other until we were face to face.

"Hello, pretty girl." Paige complemented wrapping me in a rather sweaty hug, I fake grimaced, "You're gross." I say trying to wriggle free but Paige is not only taller than me but stronger than me too, I was trapped. "You love my hugs." She protested still not letting me go, "Admit you love my hugs."

I did love Paiges hugs. They were so warm and comforting and I felt like nothing or no one could hurt me while I was bundled up in Paiges arms.

My lack of reply only makes the blonde girl hold me tighter, lifting me slightly off the ground, I let out a squeal, "Paige! Put me down!"

"Admit you love my sweaty hugs." She brings her mouth close to my ear to say that and the hairs rise on the back of my neck at the heat of her breath.

"I love your sweaty hugs." I admit in defeat as she lowers me down, my feet touching the floor once again.

"Thank you." She chirps pressing a quick kiss to my forehead.

"Where is everyone?" I ask looking around the empty room.

"In the locker room cleaning up." She nods her head over to a set of doors which I'm guessing leads to the locker rooms.

"Didn't feel like showering today?" I joke.

"Wanted to shoot around a little more, practice wasn't the best." She explains picking up the ball from where it had rolled to once she dropped it to hug me.

"I doubt that, Buckets." I smirk at Paige as she proves me right by sinking the cleanest three. She smirks back, "You want a go?"

I shake me head immediately, "No. No way." I say backing away from the basketball player.

She laughs and it echos around the court, "Come here, I'll help you." She insists beckoning me over.

"No Paige, I'll be terrible, I know I will." I remain adamant.

"You haven't even tried, have some faith in yourself. Now come here." The second half of her sentence is sterner than the first and the assertion of dominance catches me off guard.

"Yes ma'am." I mummble and walk back to Paige with slightly red cheeks.

"OK, stand here." Paige positions me on the free throw line, using her foot to push mine apart and using her hands to bend my arms in the way she wants. "Here." She hands the ball to me and I take if from her and she immediately giggles.

"What?" I huff, I knew I'd be terrible at this.

"You're so delicate with it." She smiles repositioning my hands on the ball, "Spread your fingers out more." I do as she says and she takes a step back as if admiring her work.

"OK, now shoot." She instructs and I do and it's terrible.

I throw the ball with all my strength and it flies out of my hands and smacks the backboard, missing the basket completely, before rebounding off and almost taking me out in the process. It acted more like a boomerang than a basketball.

Paige was quick to intercept the ball hurling towards me and caught it with one hand before tucking it under her arm.

She was trying her best to hold in a laugh as I just scowled at her and began to walk off.

"Hey, hey, hey." She called grabbing my arm before I could pass her, "That was a...good first attempt." She says leading me back to the same free throw line I'd just embarrassed myself on.

"Good? That's the exaggeration of the century!"

"One more go, I'll help." She hands me the ball again and I reluctantly take it, remembering to spread my fingers like last time.

Instead of standing back and watching, Paige steps behind me this time, her frame enveloping mine. We're so close I can feel her front pressed against my back, her hands cover mine over the ball and I wonder what we look like from an outside perspective.

Paige draws the ball back, my body moving in accordance with hers, before launching it forward and I watch in awe as the ball spins in the air before falling through the basket in a faultless swish.

"There you go baby!" Paige praises, her arms coming together around me, "That would've got you 1 point!" She says unwrapping herself from me, raising her hand for a high five.

I smack my hand to hers, even though that was entirely Paige, I was taking it as my bucket.

"And how many have you got?" I ask referring to points.

"Maybe like five thousand, career wide." She brags but I like it, Paiges confidence in her abilities is one of the most attractive things about her.

"I'm catching up." I tease picking up the ball once more and taking an unserious shot at the basket and to my surprise, I watch as it circles the rim before slipping through.

I snap my head towards Paige in shock, my mouth hung open, her expression mirroring mine.

"Sinking threes? OK Kent!" A familiar voice called out, it was Aubrey coming out of the locker room, a few of the girls following behind her.

"I try." I boast playfully, knowing it was a total fluke.

"Are y'all coming to grab lunch with us?" Ice called out, also emerging from the locker room.

I looked to Paige for her to answer, the girls were Paiges friends and I didn't want to ever feel like I was impending on their hang outs or make it too obvious that we had something going on.

"We actually have plans." Paige says and I raise my brows, did we?

"Cool! Catch you later." The team waved us goodbye as they all filtered off and out of the basketball court.

"What's these plans that we have then?" I ask Pagie once we're alone again.

"Oh, you know. Our usual."

Paige and I hadn't spent much time together in the few weeks we'd been acquainted and any time we were alone, the majority of it was spent with my mouth on hers and vice versa so I didn't know what our usual was.

I look quizzically at Paige, "Which is?"

"Well it requires a lot less distance between us," Say says returning the ball to its rack and walking over to me, "and hardly any talking." She finishes as she reaches me and dips her head slightly to kiss my lips.

I'm smiling as she pulls away, "Sounds like great plans."

"Give me ten minutes to shower and we can go back mine, seeing as the girls are out we'll have the place to ourselves." She tells me before jogging into the locker room.

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

#paige bueckers #uconn wbb #wcbb #wlw #lgbtq #fanfic #paige bueckers fanfiction #lovegalor333 #fresh start

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