#if you somehow dont know im autistic which the school knows

[scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde]

why do teachers insist on going around and making everyone say their name and something about themself??? like what the fuck, what do they want from me hi I'm ellis and my fun fact is this is making me want to fucking combust, nice to meet you like I'm not gonna remember any of this I'm just suffering for no fucking reason

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.

[flunkett]

ive been watching alot of video essays by other autistic people, like patricia taxxon and tensai productions and every single one brings me to tears.

i was diagnosed late, later than my brother, one because i was born a girl and two because my brother fit the stereotypes to a tee whereas i just didnt.

my brother was "difficult" and loud but i was "easy" and quiet so my mom never thought to test me. never had to worry about me because i was the good kid yanow? but it wasnt that i was "shy", i wouldnt grow out of it, i communicate differently, that wouldnt change. i act different to the others around me.

i was lucky as a kid to have a friend who looking back was also likely neurodivergent so i didnt care too much about the fact i was different up until maybe 5th class. then i began to wonder why nobody but my friend really liked me? i think i blamed it on my friend, which i wish i didnt do, but i for the most part thought i was normal, it couldnt be me right? then we lost touch once we graduated primary school and upon starting secondry i realised oh. its me.

id look at people talk with their friends that they somehow managed to magically make the first day and id feel a seething, sick, jealousy within me. like that pit in your stomach you get when you do something wrong. itd make me so angry, id want nothing more than to scream at them for just laughing in my vicinity. then i made a friend and for whatever reason she has stayed my friend for five years despite my flaws. despite my disorder. and i couldnt be more thankful.

i believe i was diagnosed in second year, my friend said it was a shock at first but "made sense" and i agree, it does make sense. im autistic. i wish i remembered more of my childhood but from what i do remember there were definetly signs. not just in the way id communicate, but the way i held myself, the way id move and walk, the way id play, the way id obsess over things. i dont know if i would have liked to be diagnosed earlier like my brother, he was put in a special class and from what ive heard from him it was anything but helpful. teachers who clearly didnt know how to handle neurodivergent kids, making things worse, all that stuff. but i cant say being in a class of people who just seemed better than me was any more helpful.

idk what my point is, there is no tldr here i jus wanted to talk abt my autism because i dont feel i do enough

[doberbutts]

""people with [symptom] are rare and don't go out in public so don't need to be considered" are ableist things to say and they'd know that if they did literally any disability advocacy as a community."

^ thank you for this. as a physically disabled autistic person with debilitating, awful sensory issues--so bad I sometimes cannot leave my room bc I cannot stand the sound of the DOOR CLICKING OPEN while wearing NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES--the "sensory ✨️needs✨️ are just a comfort, whether you can physically get in is MORE important" viewpoint has left me feeling alone and isolated in the disabled online community.

like, I exist. i go out in public. I HAVE to (I'm in high school). and it sucks. more than my untreated and worsening physical disability does, and thats saying something. accessibility and consideration from other people makes it considerably easier to handle. I dont know if im rare, but even if i am, im not unimportant, and I want to say thank you for seeing the struggles of people like me.

Somehow "this is uncommon" keeps getting interpreted as "therefore it's not important to consider" which is really annoying when it's then repeated by the very people it's often used to harm. Big sigh.

Especially when you consider 1 in 60 people have a brain injury in the US. That's more people than have red hair. That's not... really that uncommon...

[selfundiagnosed]

Insane that my mom ran the most popular patrick stump archival blog on tumblr + was a full time lawyer + was raising two mentally ill kids + doing culinary arts school + having a cookie business. I think its her autism i wont lie. But now its all catching up to her and she has no energy which would be the ehlers danlos fault this time.. tried to convince her to steal her old url back but on cohost so she made an account but couldnt immediately make side blogs but boy oh boy. she would be giving the fall out boy fandom what they want and more. Shes like i cant do it again i have no idea how i did it before im like ma! its called having boundaries. Shes like i cant do that when i have a special interest its called autism. Im like right but queue posts for once a day and find 30 pictures from a photo set and boom one months worth of posting fall out boy and you can conserve your energy. But she doesnt know how to do her special interests in moderation. Im honestly just glad she went and accepted a bunch of access to her mega archive folder thingy. But shes so mad she doesnt have access to like her actual archive bc the website she used go archive everything changed their subscription plans and she has so many photos it would be like a zillion dollars she doesnt have 😭 like bogus i remember photo storing websites were so free. Take me back to 2010 for real :T Anyway she used to get so mortified when i told my friends as a teen about her blog i actually told her coworker once and her coworker somehow RETAINED the url and went home and looked at her blog and she was so upset at me 😭😭 but now like she kinda doesnt give a fuck anymore bc fall out boy was her special interest for an entire decade and she’s over it. Obviously still a big big fan but not in bandom anymore. Her new special interest is a band i introduced her to when i was 13 and its kinda cringe so i dont talk about it but she also ran an archival blog for THIS band and i told my friend at a sleepover who liked this band about her blog and they fucking FOLLOWED HER and shit bricks and my mom was MORTIFIED. But anyway yeah she doesnt gaf now if i tell people she was this blog and i even posted a tiktok about it once and people started doing detective work that would make her autistic self so proud…. Bc thats what she was good at! sleuthing stalking detective work on the band. Pete wentz privately answered several of her asks on tumblr i’ll see if she can send me the asks and their responses. But yeah she doesnt care anymore. her original url was scrubbed by tumblr and shes very angry about it bc it was an original bandom url for patrick stump so shes like wtf ever i dont wanna touch this im so mad. Which SAAAAME. ive done that so many times. She started permitting access to people who requested it for one of her photo archive website thingies she left in her last post. But yeaaaahhh… she was patrick stump for halloween in like 2008 and she won the costume contest bc she had rhe coolest sideburns and looked so much like him. My first ever concert was a fall out boy concert in spring 2007 i was 6 turning 7 within the next few months lemme just say the music video for carpel tunnel of love played on the screen as they played the song and my brother and i was so traumatized. But then immediately they played this aint a scene after that and we were like HELL YEAAAAAAAAA. And my brother (5 at the time) and i knew every single song and sang along and my mom went look at everyone else no one else knows these songs. You guys are so cool. And we looked around and yeah no one was singing the songs and were sooo excited! Oh and theres that one time she recorded us singing keep it simple by cobra starship and THEY PUT IT ON THEIR MYSPACE PAGE AT THE TOP WE FLIPPED SHIT. i wish THAT video was still up. Shes also met fall out boy so many times and walked away from patrick stump while he was talking to her bc she didnt want to take up his time at a meet and greet. Omg. so many memories. I was literally raised in online bandom thats so insane. Maybe thats why im a homosexual

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[spywitch]

For me as a (most likely) autistic person I feel like i actually do have a decent grasp on what neurotypical conversation is *supposed* to go like, but I had to consciously learn it and its so unnatural to me that I still don’t adapt to it very well.

Like im pretty sure the general formula for small talk is someone asks you questions about yourself, then you are supposed to ask them questions about them. They will sometimes get very offended by you not asking about them, which is understandable bc its obviously how you are expected to show that you are interested in them and not just thinking of yourself.

But this just comes so unnaturally to me. For one, I often don’t LIKE being asked a bunch of questions. I saw someone talking about how questions can feel like demands to neurodivergent ppl, and thats exactly how it feels. Mundane questions can feel like an interrogation, especially if its a question I wasn’t expecting and don’t already have a clear answer ready in my head for. It feels very taxing on my poor communication skills to try to answer a question that I dont really know the answer to without thinkng about it for a minute, or that I feel like requires a much longer answer than what I assume they were expecting to hear. That and sometimes questions can feel invasive or unexpectedly intimate when ppl I don’t have a good read on or connection with yet start asking random personal stuff. Of course I may want to be asked questions about things I DO want to share, but it sometimes feels rare that questions like that are genuinely interested and prepared to actually listen and receive what I’m about to say. But random small talk questions can be so agitating. So because I find being asked a lot of questions to be stressful, it doesn’t naturally occur to me that other people WANT to be asked stuff.

Then of course if people DO ask good questions that I don’t struggle with, well then they are going to get me on a tangent of a special interest, story I am excited to share, or just some huge train of thought, and I am going to get distracted from actually making a mutual conversation. I know this seems incredibly selfish and disinterested in other people’s input or lives, but I can’t help but want to externally process big thoughts trapped in my brain that they’ve woken up with their question 😂

Also sometimes it feels like its even more awkward asking questions back when there is a power dynamic in the relationship. When a boss asks “how was your weekend” it somehow feels like I’m not… supposed to ask them the same back?? I don’t know if I am or not? And it also feels like theyre just asking to be polite and establish vaguely friendly relations, not because they really care or bc they want me to ask the same back (this is just in certain jobs ive had, not some of the more laid back ones). Its like when you are a child, adults ask “how was your day at school” and you just share with them, and aren’t really expected to ask “and how was work mom?” but as you get older you are supposed to learn to reciprocate conversation that way with your peers, so it especially feels weird with ppl who don’t feel like peers and feel above you in the social heirarchy just like those adults did when you were a kid.

And finally I just don’t really understand why other people seem to feel like they need Permission via questions to just talk about what they want to talk about. Neurodivergent conversation is like, “hey heres something that i think is interesting,” “cool! Heres something that I think is interesting,” and everyone just shares whatever they want to… neurotypical ppl seem like they want validation and permission to share about themselves, and like they see it as rude to just start talking about something in case other ppl are disinterested, and it just. Seems like an exausting game of social cues to make sure its “ok” to just speak your mind. I understand it feels good when others express interest in you, but I also don’t like Require that constantly in order to feel like its ok to share something im thinking about. And if I am disinterested in another neurodivergent person’s ramblings, I’m don’t think its “rude” or “annoying” they started them even if it is a little awkward, and I just will try my best to engage with it a little before moving on.

[midnighteloquence]

i just wanna talk

uh minor (MINORS!!!!!!!!) vent because im thinking

(mention of sui, sh, purg1ng, etc)

i actually dont know what to feel anymore. i dont really feel much these days except for pure, unbridled sadness. i can feel excited over my interests, but that excitement doesnt really last long till im just nothing again.

ive been getting more frequent stomach aches. not a stomach bug i mean the anxiety stomach aches. theyre here right now actually. ive just been super anxious and on edge recently, and i dont know how to stop the ever growing pit in my stomach. it grows every time i enter a room, when i have to present something infront of my classmates, when someone talks to me, when i text people, when im alone, when im with people. its everywhere and i dont like it.

earlier this term i avoided people because i was just so tired and empty. i hoped that it would somehow make me feel better, if i avoid the person who did me wrong. it really didnt. i didnt give them a satisfactory answer whenever they playfully insulted me because i could not bare to have them insult me one more fucking time. you know what happened? they started saying “ok.” to me saying literally fucking anything. i said “ok” to you dryly because you pissed me off, but if im talking about my interests casually thats nothing to be pissed off about.

i apologised to them for distancing myself (even though i was trying to fix my mental health) and told them i would talk to them more even though i dont like them anymore. the next day they sent a paragraph talking about how i wasnt really “proving myself” and that “they waited for me to talk to them instead of them starting the rare conversations we have” which actually killed me a bit. thats over exaggerating but im trying my fucking hardest to try and be your friend but my best isnt worthy enough. and also when have you ever put any effort into what im saying? like actually if i talk about my interests you say shit like “thats crazy” in a disinterested tone. i may be autistic but i can still pick up that you do not fucking care for a word i say. i actually pay attention, and you tell me im not proving myself to you? im sorry i started ranting haha

i think my crush started hating me. and this is a super common thing with all of my crushes for some reason. i just cant get them to not think im annoying. i just get so attached to them and the thought of being with them that they just stop liking me. and then i pick up on this and ask them constantly if they like me. he barely texts me anymore, his texts are super dry, its so obvious he doesnt want to talk to me. i started leaving him on read, just hoping he’ll start liking me again. thats probably super immature and slightly mentally unstable of me but idk im sorry

i stopped thinking about my future because i dont think i see one. i spent all week tired, crying in the school bathrooms, crying in my own bathroom, or crying in my room. i post constantly about killing myself or cvtting myself or purging because at this point i do not care what happens to me. my friend might be moving, my other friend im so fucking tired of, my other other friend is probably tired of me, the rest of the friendgroup probably wouldnt care less about me, i havent been the daughter i couldve been to my parents, im distant towards my brother, my crush lives far away anyways and probably doesnt like me anymore. it just seems like nothings really worth it. how likely is it that i get into a good university and get a good job? i dont even know what i want to do with my life past 18. the clubs i joined are just exhausting to go to now, im making no progress in my language learning, i get average scores in my tests, the only two hobbies i have i barely do anymore. its just so nothing

i have no dreams or aspirations, i have no hope for the future of not only me, this whole world. it will take me a hot 48 hours to think of a thing i wanna pursue. no one wants to be in a relationship with me. im pretty but not pretty enough for people to like me, and even if someone’s attracted to me, theres still my personality. its nothing special, plus just a bunch of red flags like jealousy, attachment, being distant, being sensitive, the list can go on. im just nothing really, i feel nothing, my personality is nothing, my looks are nothing, im nothing.

idk what else to say so bye :0) (clown)

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

This is gonna be a kinda long post cuz I was looking through the pictures I took with my first digital camera and feeling nostalgic

Most of them are just pictures of layla and mercedes but theres a few of me

This was my friends bunny Radar

The year i got this camera was the year with the most snow ive ever seen. Think we had maybe 2 feet in one night?

One of my few blanket forts. I wouldve liked to make more but I always ended up getting frustrated when I couldn't find things to weigh down the edges of the sheets and they kept falling down. Honestly kinda surprised I managed it with the satin ones here cuz theyre extra slippery (I stopped using them on my bed cuz they slid off too easily and I got annoyed with constantly having to readjust them)

This dude freaked out all the kids in the neighborhood lol. We were convinced he was haunted cuz he would move around sometimes. I dont think he's been over there for several years so im guessing whoever owned him moved.

My friend Jared took this picture of me before English class one day. I wore that jacket a lot. I eventually had to get rid of it cuz I let layla tug on the sleeves when we rough housed and they were getting pretty shredded at the ends

I think this was also the first year I did an Easter egg hunt for layla

And the last time I went to silver dollar city. I'm not sure what I was looking at in that first picture. Not the camera, clearly. That was. Not a trip I enjoyed all that much. I mean it was fun but going on trip was always stressful for me and it was always worse when my dads parents were there cuz despite raising 2 autistic kids they did NOT know how to handle an autistic kid. My parents being with us on this trip made it a little better cuz my mom would set boundaries for me and told them to give me space after a meltdown.

But the small amounts of gender dysphoria I've experienced were a lot worse back then but I didnt know what it was so I also couldn't articulate why them buying me a dress absolutely did NOT cheer me up.

That second picture was the gemstone panning thing that silver dollar city had which is where I got a bunch of my smaller rocks. Mostly sodalite and calcite. Some garnet and different types of quartz. Also had some pyrite which I had in a small jar on a necklace but I have no idea what happened to it. Also not sure what happened to that hat from the last picture. I got it from a souvenir shop in downtown Branson. I still wish id gotten the blue one instead of the pink one.

Mercedes judging my messy ass room. Behind her you can see a bag i made entirely out of magazine clippings

Ok ok so this picture is actually half the reason I decided to look through the pictures from this camera. This was how I liked to decorate my room for Christmas in middle school. I also had 2 mini Christmas trees set up on my night stand. It had 2 levels to it (picture a step) so I had one on each level.

Also in my window sill is the aquarium part of the "self sustaining" aquarium/terrarium we made in 6th grade science out of old coke bottles. I kept that thing for like 2 years. The fish died pretty early on. Got eaten by the snail. Which somehow made MORE snails (I do not know how snail reproduction works) and I ended up with like 30 snails in that bottle. Eventually all the water evaporated out and my mom convinced me to throw the bottle away

THIS is the other picture I was looking for. Layla had a lot of Christmas sweaters cuz she got cold easily. The santa suit was also laylas but I would put it on mercedes sometimes. This is one of the few pictures I have of them dressed up together. I didnt put clothes on mercedes too often cuz she hated it lol

There was a less blurry picture right before this one but mercedes looks mad in this one and I felt it encapsulated her personality better. Also. Man almost forgot about that rocking chair. It was at my grammys for the longest time and then we took it at some point. It was ugly as hell but it was like a giant stim toy for me. Both for rocking but also I liked the rounded parts on the arm rests cuz I could rub my fingers in the divots between them. Mercedes was not happy when we got rid of that chair.

This was about as close as they ever got to cuddling. Mercedes was never a cuddly cat. She tolerated harley cuddling up to her when she was a kitten but I think thats just cuz she was old. She probably wouldn't have tolerated it at all when she was younger.

Is it weird that I can tell I was watching ncis when I took this just by that part of the screen. This was also when my recliner still reclined lol. The handle you had to pull to bring up the foot rest was a plastic thing on the end of a wire and the wire snapped....I think the first day after my sophomore year of highschool?

Aaand heres where I finally figured out I could turn off the flash on my camera in highschool lol

Mercedes after a haircut (while I was cleaning my room)

She looks so soft here 🥺 i miss her

[dxmthief]

literally makes it impossible to find info from biutches that arent fellow addicts and shit like cmon, somehow onlyy the people 'abusing' shit are the ones with any fucking research and info even if a lot of it may be incorrect which can prove dangerous in other ways, its just litwrally insane to me though that pharmacists, the people who we are in a structurally societal way supposed to trust ebcause they went thru YEARS OF SCHOOL but none of that matters if you just spit back the info without fucking retaining it or actually caring, fuck the only people who are actually fucking trying to understand this shit half the time are autistic addicts. im sure some percentage of pharmacists actually do know shit and do research and can admit they dont know anythinbg but its just so so so so incredible to me that a large number of these people seem to just be spitting back whats on the label or on the textbooks (and i could go on a whole tangent about how all those things are under researched and works in progress anyway) like its objective info witjhout ever looking into anecdotes or listening to patients. its actually scary to me how gabapentin is labelled as non psychoactive and nonaddictive by a lot of pharmacists. how could you do this to someone? its a breach of consent to me, to boldly tell someone something like that. why cant they just admit even, "we dont know about this too much, its a new drug, you may need to weigh the risks" like come the fuck on man even tylenol isnt done being researched, and is actually in the context of all things, a new drug. theres just literally so much to the human body and its so complicated and everyone is so different, we just dont know enough to be claiming things so objectively. sorry this is so tangential . i have a lot to say

WHY DO PHARMACISTS ALL SAY GABAPENTIN ISNT PSYCHOACTIVE STOPPPP girl stoppp ittttuhhhh

[cheesebrackers]

DARK MOON RAMBLE TIME

these questions and theories have been typed down by me in the span of 4 days (4 days of info/questions)

(theory about why all possessors are heavier than gobbers)

This is very random but I was thinking about this and got two vague theories

1 the dark moon shard 2 the fact that it's technically 3 ghosts

1 maybe the dark moon shard has a spectral weight that exceeds the average weight of a ghost. Why would it have a spectral weight? No idea, the dark moon is a confusing thing, but its properties are related to ghosts, so who knows

2, Well, it's always 3 ghosts technically. There's not much to say about that but it could be a possibility

Maybe both

Also it's probably that Nintendo just thought making the bosses have more shit than other ghosts was a good idea and it has nothing to do with whatever I just said but I'm here to fill plotholes

(questionment)

How did he (a strong sneaker) go through the wall with the rotor? Ive seen ghosts go through walls with objects (ex; the 4 slammers in the gloomy manor) but ive also seen some be unable to do so, like that greenie in the old clockworks who tried to go through a door but slammed himself against it because he had a bucket on his head and for some reason that couldnt go thru the wall

(After asking myself what relationship boos and other ghosts are like, later getting two answers somehow)

Another detail i noticed that really doesnt matter at all! The english version says boos dont get along with powerful ghosts, while the french one says they dont get along with any other ghost, MOSTLY the powerful ones

I know theyre under control but i refuse to believe all boos dislike might other ghosts if you I cabt trust the old egg all the time, plus boos are very much sentient beings, so not all of them think the same Psychoanalysis of mario boos

(about boos and nebulospheres/spirit balls)

In english, e.gadd says boos probably got the ability to use nebulospheres from someone, because they didnt just start doing that like its nothing, implying they couldnt do that before (im not calling them spirit balls fuck you) (btw nebulosphere is the french name for them)

In french, its implied they could already use nebulospheres, but didnt do it as much right now

That brings me to yet another question Does the dark moon affect boos? Probably, in the way that they are most likely controlled by king boo instead of just being told orders, as implied by the nebulospheres thing. They werent harmless like other ghosts, but surely they werent THAT obedient.

But im not sure

(this one is older and maybe I've already said it but this is about ghosts and where they may come from)

I've been kinda wondering about something. I settled on the theory that non-humanoid looking ghosts aren't dead people, just made up mfs

But, in dark moon ok, Belinda, Lucinda and Herlinda aren't human looking. That's for sure. No one is shaped like that, it fits the style of the other ghosts

But. They are hinted to be dead, as shown in the haunted towers

There's three pictures, each showing a woman that fits the physical traits of each sister

And now I'm confused. again im very sure nintendo doesnt actually give a shit about logic and just made this shit for fun but listen im autistic

My friend at school said maybe king boo is the core of ghost creation because of a portal he made in the treacherous mansion that caused the "paranormal chaos" (several wave of ghosts in different locations with a timer which you CANNOT FAIL ONCE), but that can't be true, because they have been in evershade valley before kb fucked everything up

[brinesystem]

man

lifes bittersweet

and im gonna go on a rant? but like, a happy one???? idk man

ill put it under a cut or somethin

uh warning for like trauma mentions, if you skip the first half which is all like solid paragraphs you should be able to move right over it.

okay, so for a summary of my life real quick, and this will be p quick...

born, had no dad, lived in DC when 9/11 hit (like, walking distance to everything, IN the city DC), gained a marine dad, moved around on bases a lot, found out that im autistic and have adhd, bullied a lot in school, moved around more, got two sisters, bullied OUT of middle school, re entered a new school, bullied there too, and tHEN my memory actually starts, cause i started existing in hs?

hs also sucked though? and i was abused and became a csa/grooming victim but only online so i feel weird even taking that label, but i AM one in the end? and was so young somehow??? tbh its worse than im putting it but this is the quick version. was abused more emotionally/verbally, physically threatened at home and bullied in school right? almost lost our house too cause we were MAJORLY BROKE. Like, SUPER badly broke.

We get out of there, my mum actually gets our dad to knock it off, i fail out of hs because they changed the grading rules MID-YEAR and didnt tell me until it was too late to fix my grades for it.

cue mental breakdown, which included losing the ability to read for years, and trauma processing, etc etc. this also includes me becoming disabled, because prior to that, i actually wasnt???? i had some issues, but i wasnt disabled. now i am.

got a service dog, the dad ruined that too because he scared him a lot as a puppy and when we finally got to get him to Stop Doing That, it was too late. then the dog gets attacked twice. in home service dog only i guess now.

and then i realise, “oh fuck wait i have did”

forget about it for a year, realised/remembered it like last year and finally start doing some work with the system, finds out ive basically been fronting for like, 10 years straight at this point. only this year managed to let alters other than Fae front more, because i knew about Fae for years? but i didnt know he was an alter?????? look im dumb okay its fine.

anyways.

point is that like, i dont REMEMBER most of this? this summary type shit is what i remember, and then everything else is either a blackout, or just... blurry.

like theres some details and whatever but its mostly just snapshots, and then before hs theres even less blurry and less snapshots and its mostly just black space.

but.

im here?

like, were all here.

my system, we made it. and were alive?

like, none of us thought wed live to 20 but here i am at 24 and im actually usually happy????

its not been EASY at all, but like... i dont know?

my systems my family and i adore them more than i can put into words. the ‘scary’ ones? love them. im not afraid of them because theyre here and in our system with me and are here to help. ones been helping for longer than ive existed, like??? thats amazing? good job???? fuck.

anyways.

we werent doing okay for a long time, and then we split a lot during trauma processing pt.1 because like. no therapist. i dont recommend doing that btw dont trauma process without a therapist its not worth it.

but like.

a lot changed and i know i split shit and lost some of the memories i used to have. i KNOW that happened, because i remember remembering things that i cant recall now.

which is a weird feeling but im sure you get it.

but like.

im glad we did? like i get it. and i know that some of those alters dont front much/at all/ever anymore, but i think theyre still in there somewhere... and i love them?

theyre great. and they helped us a ton.

and two of the alters that split from that (or the trauma before maybe? idk) integrated and the result is another alter (and a completed fragment) and theyre both amazing too???

i know a lot of people complain about getting more alters or splitting or fragments and such but i just...

i dont know. maybe im just really fucking lucky... and i wouldnt put that past this tbh. but i dont mind it? we function a ton better like this, and its... so nice to see them be able to interact with people?

also theyre both introjects who LOVE interacting with others alters from their source and like

its so nice to know theyre here and happy and found the people they love again?

and i have feelings on introjects and i know theres a lot of drama going on for some reason but like. a part of did is that your relationships from the beginning of your life arent stable, right? and these introjects, they not only have those relationships in theory, but they managed to find them again?? here and now?

they have what we werent able to before, and im so happy for them and theyre delighted about it and its just...

idk.

im really happy sappy and emotional and i just am kind of writing a love letter to my system right now i guess.

cause we made it. were here and tbh this year? sucks ass. the past four years have sucked ass. a LOT of shit sucks ass. but we’re still here. were standing and fighting and enjoying life and just...

one of the alters who integrated is the one who managed to stop us from being suicidal, because he convinced me that like... “if you hate your life, that means youre not enjoying it. so, if youre not having fun, its not a life worth living to you. so have fun.”

and that was life changing for us?????

for ME?

and hes Honey now and honey is joyous and enjoys life to the fullest

but the other alter who made up honey wasnt able to do that.

and now they both are? as honey?

and thats fucking amazing????????? like????

i dont feel like i lost either of them. theyre just Honey now. and hes loving life???

i mean yeah hes got a full range of emotions now which means he can feel sad and angry while the others has more limited but like... isnt that better?

isnt it so much better to feel those?

it feels so much less shallow when youre overjoyed when you know what sorrow feels like. its so much deeper because theres that bittersweet tinge of “it wasnt always like this”

and i think thats what im getting at.

it wasnt always like this.

and it wont always be like this.

but we made it this far...

so i want to keep going.

[prorevenge]

After months of putting up with my roommate from hell, I got the revenge of lifetime and screwed her over out of a fuckton of money and got her to pay rent and life has never been sweeter! (This is a long one)

This is a long one but very much worth the ride, so buckle up. (also, English isn't my native lang, sorry if there are any mistakes)

This story takes place a couple of years back. During college, I lived with several roommates, all of them were nice and we got along well, except for this one bitch, let's call her Karen. if Satan and Hitler had a child and that child had a child with Stalin and Cruella de Vil, that would be Karen for you, she is a loud-mouthed stupid, egocentric bitch who has the face that scare the shit out of a toilet. She would never clean up after herself, she would always leave her plates and things at the spot where she last used them. I have lost counts of how many times, I caught her stealing my clothes without asking and if you so much as touch her clothes she loses her shit on you, or her drinking our lactose-intolerant roommates almond milk and any time we confronted her for drinking it, she would shrug and say "I only had a sip, stop being so stingy." She plays her music loud at night, invites stranger without giving any heads up, a time or two she didnt pay rent even though her parents are FILTHY RICH and she is wearing gucci and prada shit, Karen also fucking lies about everything, even things that are not worth lying about. like if she woke up 7, and you ask her, she'll lie through her fucking teeth and say she rose with the sun rise because she is a natural. (ps, this is something i actually heard her say to her parents while she was skypeing them....so cringy, who the fuck says that? but i digress)

Months we have fucking put up with her, of course we tried to get other roommates but unfortunately when we all moved in everything, all documents and contracts were done in her name so kicking her out would require a lot of effort and most of us were busy with school and work and life happens. So we ignore it as much as we can and try to move on.

We are now all seniors and in our final semesters, meaning graduation was coming, AND Karen is planning a backpack trip across Europe with her friends as a graduation gift to herself, this is important so remember this.

One of our roommates and my closest friend, Sasha, has had a crush on a guy that lives down the hall. Any time the two of them are together, Sasha and the Guy keep giving each other googly eyes and blushing faces; it was sooo cute. Sasha is a verbal autistic person and has never dated anyone because she has a hard time with socializing and understanding social ques and subtlety, which lets face it, that is the core of dating, especially flirting but with a lot of encouragement from me and the final roommate, Lola we got her to ask him out. He said yes. She was so happy, you guys, she flew back into the apartment and did an hour of happy dance with her arms flailing about and a shit eatin grin on her face; needless to say we were all so happy. Karen caught wind of this and it just so happens at that time she was having relationship problems, I guess her bf finally realized he's dating human garbage. Not one to be outshined, Karen behind all of our backs went to the guy's place and spun lies about Sasha, saying she is a serial cheater and even made a fake account for Sasha's so called bf. the guy never called Sasha, and eventually weeks passed by he told us why but by then Sasha felt like the damage was done and lost interest in him.

I. WAS. FUCKING. FURIOUS.

This, this level of dickery and bloody pettiness is the straw that finally broke the camel's back and I vowed I wouldn't fucking leave until I served my slice of justice. Here's another character that you must know about, Prof C. His wife two years ago was in a horrible car accident and as a result is in a wheelchair, this is especially problematic because she was a stay home mom that took care of their two special needs kids and they have a toddler at home. Home life is a mess for him, he is running ragged between working and single-handedly is taking care of his family, the uni took pity and also feared the workload would see one of their best and most beloved teachers leave the school struck a deal with him to help him out. In all of his classes there will be quizzes and midterms, this doesnt change, but assignments you submit and he corrects at the end of the year, this is important cuz our uni has zero tolerance on proffs that dont constantly update the students course works so that students have the chance to improve their grades.

Karen, the lazy and stupid bitch she is, is somehow skating through his assignments, even though they require a shit tone of research and writing. I accidentally learned that one of her older friends told her that she only needs submit the paper on its due date and to only write the first 3 pages and use a paraphrase tool for the rest of the paper so the plagiarism software wont detect it and would think its original material and when the end of the year comes, submit a hard copy but with the first pages being her actual work and the rest being completely plagiarized, professional work. Prof C won't know cuz the likelihood a man as busy as him thoroughly checking the work of 120+ students is pretty low. I grinned. A plan was beginning to formulate in my head. Oh, sweet mother of Jesus, she is going down! All semester long I let her do this for all of the 7 papers, one of them which is a term paper that has 20% on it alone, all the while I spied and gathered all of her pass codes, social media, her student ID, everything.

The end of the year came and I compiled all of her assignments, both the original one with the paraphrasing tools she used to circumvent plagiarism and the one she finally handed them in, and I even made photos were there are side-to-side comparison of the assignments. This is a good start but not enough. So, One day chillin at the living room I open a conversation about relationships, Karen is two timing her new boyfriend and is sleeping with some other Person. so, I ask her questions like "don't you feel guilty for cheating?" and "You do realize this is wrong?" and I even paraphrase my words in a way that is vague but also clear, for example I would say "It's not fair, so many people work so hard everyday to be successful and you are here cheating and lying your way to success." Karen, narcissistic as fuck, would respond with snippets of I dont care and how she isnt cheating, she is only having fun and that everyone does it so why not her too. This is too good to be true, even her answers are vague, its like god put his hand on my shoulder, looked me right in the eyes and said, "burry this bitch". and Id be damned if I didnt. As you probably have guessed it by now, I was recording EVERYTHING. The recording plus the photos, and her assignments were more than enough evidence, I sent an anonymous email to the Professor, and i tell the girls so that they can prep for the shit storm thats coming. Three weeks later, results are out. she failed and LOST HER SHIT. She was screamin, crying, wailing, what a sight to see! you best believe, the girls and I were laughing. She tried to talk to the prof, but he was not having it. she cried and begged for a second chance but he said a hard no. So now she has two options: she goes ahead and doesn't graduate with us, and takes on a whole 'nother semester for one measly course or take summer course and cancel her trip to Europe, which mind you she spent a fuckton on, something like 13, 000$ and I know it could have been much cheaper but Princess Karen only wanted the best so yh. The next couple of weeks she spent sleepless nights because she was calling and cancelling all the reservations she made, tryin to get her money back BUT (again, GOD really was out for blood that day) because the cancellation was so close to some her trip most places refused to refund, or some charged her cancellation fees. She only managed to scrap 5.5 K back together, lossin 7.5 K. OUCH!

Its not over, having damning evidence I, with earned gusto, told her she was going to pay all of the bills till we move out, which was in two months, payback for all the times she was late on payment or defaulted and she would from now do her part of the house chores or else Im gonna send it all to the admin and faculty dean and she will fo sho be kicked out and all those uni years will have been for nothing. She hated it, she fucking threw tantrums and cussed me out but my god if she didnt do whats told. she cleaned her stuff, apologized to Sasha for what she did, I forced her to come clean to her BF (dont know the guy but the few times i met him he was super sweet to us and i felt bad for the guy), I watched her actually do the dishes for the first time in like years. IT was fucking amazing and I don't regret it one bit. In fact, anytime I feel sad now as an adult, i kick back my feet and reminiscine and a slow shit eatin grin draws itself upon my face.

tl;dr roommate was super mean, i found out she was cheating on her assignments and so i snitched on her and as a result she had to stay the summer and retake the class again or else she wouldn't graduate.

(source) story by (/u/let-the-write-one-in)

[yeehawfolk]

hi! i dont mean to restart shit but i feel like the reason neurodivergent ppl butt heads over gifted kids so much is that to kids like me who had undiagnosed adhd that had me hide my report cards and tests in elementary school, its kind of a slap in the face to hear so many people who you were compared to and put down against talk about issues that have plagued you since you were super young, but framed in a way that only they could relate to! the education system fucks over both “gifted” AND-

-kids who were barely scrapping by! it just affects us at different stages of our lives, and for different reasons. tying my intelligence to my self worth, an inability to ask for help, always feeling like im underperforming, etc, these are all things that affect me because i dont want to be the ‘dumb kid’ again. i still have to do extra work my high achieving brother doesnt because my mom doesnt trust my intelligence!! + i also think that ppl are bitter yall cld do so well during school-

- in the end, i think our experiences are more like a mirror; “ure dumb and forever will be vs if u get less than the top of the class ure a failure and ur achievements dont matter” (also, personally, even after hearing all the shit the gifted program put yall thru, id love to have been a gifted kid. id rather know i have the capacity to be smart than be the kid who regularly scores in the bottom of the class)

Listen, I am neurodivergent. That's what my entire post is about, how because I was gifted, I was seen as ""too smart to be disabled"" and given no accomodations whatsoever, even though I greatly needed them. I was autistic, but nobody in the education system even THOUGHT to look at why I suddenly started failing classes when I got into 10th grade, nobody even thought to ask me why I was having such a hard time. Because if I was ""smart"" then I should be able to do good in advanced classes. So ergo, my struggling was laziness. Except for one teacher, who when I told her, told me I needed to suck it up and get my homework done or she was going to fail me.

Like, I'm not trying to demean your experiences in the school system or say "I had it worse than you", but the entire reason I made the post in the first place was because I was absolutely fucked by the gifted label in school because I was neurodivergent. The gifted label leaves no wiggle room. You're either smart and pass your classes, or you're lazy and get shit grades, according to teachers.

I had a burn out at 15 years old. Think about that. I was 15, a time where I should be hanging out with friends and doing fun things. But instead I fell to the floor of my bedroom and cried for over an hour because I just couldn't face the fact I didn't do my homework again and my teachers were going to fail me. I was so mentally unstable because of the expectations put on me by the gifted label, I was so scared of seeing that big fat F painted across my report card, that I just broke.

On top of that, I was placed in advanced classes or classes I didn't need because I was ""smart"" and it would look better for getting a ""smart"" job. They kicked me out of the one place I felt safe in the school, Art, and replaced it with electives I didn't need or want simply because it would look good on my college applications. They replaced my Language Arts classes with a ""Gifted Class"" in Middle School and specifically because of that, I have no idea how to structure an essay more than 6 paragraphs long. Every time I asked a teacher for help, they'd tell me to stay after school (which I couldn't at the time, I didn't have a ride) and wouldn't even explain in the simplest terms what they wanted because "You're smart [gifted] you should already know this."

You do NOT want to be a gifted kid. Trust me. Especially if you're neurodivergent, because gifted kids are basically pressured to be mini-adults as kids and when they don't respond as being a perfect pinnacle of maturity or smart-ness, they're said to have problems with laziness. Or ""behavioral issues"". I needed SO much in school, but because I was labelled as gifted, I never got any of it. If we need help with anything we're ""supposed"" to know, you're shit out of luck, because nobody will give it to you. "You're smart, you're supposed to know this!" Is our mantra, and eventually, we stop asking.

The reason I made the original post is because the ""gifted"" label is thrown at anyone who has even a moderate IQ score who ""think differently"" than others. See how that ties heavily into the neurodivergent community? Some people with the gifted label might be neurotypical, but a lot of them end up being neurodivergent later in life for the sole fact "they were too smart to be disabled" and nobody ever said "Hey, you Might be neurodivergent" because they were seen as smart.

Gifted kids don't have it easier. Our praise from adults is always tainted by "You could do better". We don't get accommodations we need. Our education is lax because we're already supposed to know it, despite never being taught whatever it is they expect us to know. Adults want to make all of our academic decisions on how smart they think we are. We're given double the work because "we can handle it". And worst of all, we're constantly beaten down with "You're so smart! Why aren't you understanding this?" As if not understanding something is somehow our fault.

The post wasn't being like "GOD GIFTED KIDS HAVE IT THE HARDEST IN SCHOOL BECAUSE OF X". It was "The neurodivergent community greatly intersects with the gifted community and their struggles in the school system need to be acknowledged and not talked over because of the notion 'gifted kids have it easier because they're smart'."

I'm not going to lie, most of the reason why I dropped out from 10th grade was because I just couldn't handle the expectations from my teachers to be the perfect student and hand in perfect papers. They beat down that 15 year old teenager who liked anime and Sonic and reading to the point where I had a complete mental breakdown and I begged my mom to let me quit. Begged her, on the floor, sobbing. I burnt out so bad I couldn't read a book for over 4 years. I'm just now starting to read again.

School is fucked. But the Gifted label adds another layer of Hell to it that neurodivergent kids just aren't equipped to handle, and I feel very strongly about letting these kids talk about what they went through, bitter people or not.

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

(Pt 1■) The process of questioning if i am autistic is still a rollercoaster, and i still feel like a fake. I feel like I dont experience the symptoms enough to count. Sometimes I can accept change; changing the street we normally go down and not getting upset when I know sometimes if we had I would have become upset and it makes me feel like maybe I'm not trying hard enough; but then later I find out that there is going to be a surprise fire drill and I freak out.

(Pt 2■) Sometimes I can change my order at fast food place and I'll feel fine when I know sometimes I'll lose it, and then later I'll become distraught because I thought we were going to make pizza and it changed. Sometimes I am very good at understanding people, what they are feeling and even thinking, while other times I miss jokes, sarcasm, and things that are insinuated.

(pt 3■) I start to feel like I'm somehow faking missing those things, because after a few moments/minutes my mind goes (Oh he was pointing the glove compartment, he must have wanted me to hand him what was inside. That's why he got so impatient.) If I'm able to figure it out with some time does that mean I'm just slow?

(Pt 4■) Sometimes I can handle sensory issues, i got my feet wet from melted snow the other day and I didn't cry or get upset, but then a week before I was in a crowded restaurant and had to be walked out like a little kid because I was so upset. I just feel conflicted, and also scared. What if I just have all the symptoms, but they aren't enough to be autistic.

(Pt 5■) I could probably do certain things and be fine a decent amount of the time, but if I get a job and I have an issue because someone didn't explain something entirely, if they didn't schedule something, or something gets loud or chaotic, or I miss a cue, and i have a problem I have nothing that protects me from being fired. In school people made exceptions but even they got tired of not knowing why. I just don't feel it's bad enough but idk what to do if im not.

-

My dude, you’re overthinking it. Symptoms fluctuate. It’s not 100% all the time. Some days are harder than others. Also, people with neurodevelopmental disorders are literally stereotyped as being ‘slow’. To say that autism means being completely oblivious all the time is really not a great implication to make either.

Your problem, I think, is that you’re relying on the stereotype that autism means people Cannot Function. While it may be true that some people struggle to function on a daily basis and need caregivers (which is not a bad thing), it’s not actually reflective of the entire community.

For example: most people are unable to guess that I’m autistic! Even working in mental health, surrounded by people who were trained social workers, I had to explain to them that I’m autistic because they didn’t realize and just thought I was awkward/not confident and would occasionally make comments at my expense.

Autism is a spectrum, as are the symptoms, and it’s different for everyone. I really think you need to try and look at the overall impact of your symptoms, rather than individual instances.

[psychiatricwarfare]

oh, i am So Glad you asked

so my experience with medical professionals has been Incredibly Negative but i want to start this off by acknowledging how lucky i am to have at least two medical professionals that genuinely try their best to help and care for me and i would be lost without them.

now then, i was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD at a very young age, however the doctors failed to inform my parents anything about what this actually means. this, ultimately led to my parents not having any idea of how to properly address my needs as they differed from others. this resulted in trauma from years of being misunderstood by peers, family, neighbours, etc. and had Anyone told me or my parents at any point what ADHD and OCD actually are, i wouldnt be struggling so badly now

when i was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression at 12, i was sent to a therapist who told me to try not taking my antidepressants for a while to see how i feel - something she absolutely Did Not have the authority to do - and to not tell my mom about it. when my mom inevitably found out, she completely ghosted us

at 13 i started getting severe abdominal migraines that kept me out of school for days at a time (this turned out to be stress) and if i did go to school, when i got home i would pass out (something i only found out years later when i learned that you cant remember if youve passed out because your brain blocks out 2 minutes before and after). at the time i thought i was just getting light headed and my vision would go purpley black for a second and stop. since i was home alone during this as well, i didnt have anyone else to tell me i had passed out. so after getting a MRI, my neurologist told me there was nothing wrong, good right? No!!! after switching to a different neurologist i discovered theres a Very Visible cyst on the back of my head pressing against my occipital lobe that could be a serious threat to my vision!!!!! i was supposed to have a follow up MRI that the doctors just never scheduled and it was never brought up again

even the best therapist ive ever had to this day would laugh at me when i brought up how on our First appointment she said it sounds like i have autism and after doing tons of research that i agree and think my dad has it as well (something ive brought up with him and he also agrees which is insane bc he usually disagrees w me on everything). she would laugh at me saying that she never said that and that i dont seem autistic to her at all (despite nothing making sense in my life unless looked at through the lens of me being autistic).

when i got a psychiatrist at age 18 the first thing he did was yell at me for not telling him i had a dissociative disorder i Didn't Know I Had. then proceeded to say to me that all of my struggles i was describing was very clearly autism but he wont diagnose me because "clearly [im] very self aware and intelligent. Autistic people don't realise they're being bullied." he then told me the ONLY way to "cure" depersonalisation-derealisation disorder was to buy this $500 book and go to a nearby clinic that doesnt take insurance. oh he also managed to lose my prescriptions in a database that you supposedly cant delete anything from somehow. he actually said to me, "are you sure i prescribed anything for you?" and i had to show him the bottle with his name printed on it

when i told my therapist about having a dissociative disorder she told me that she knew that already and that we had apparently been working on it for Years and so clearly her treatments arent working if i cant even remember that i Have the disorder in the first place and told me i had to seek therapy somewhere else bc she cant do anything else for me than what shes already tried. this is the best therapist ive ever had and she would not only laugh at me for bringing up that i clearly have autism and dropped me as a client bc i was too severe of a case for her

ive had therapists reject me before we even started because my case is too "severe" for them

now, im dealing with physical issues as well. ive always been a very active kid- gymnastics, dance, cheer, mma, snowboarding, etc. - and i always had this light ache in my legs for as long as i can remember. now, i always thought this was normal but apparently it is Not. the pain started getting exponentially worse in recent months however, resulting in me having to use a cane to walk, ice and stretch my legs frequently, and even collapsing at work and forcing me to have to quit even more recently. i told my doctor and she.. prescribed me vitamin D and norhing else. i tried to keep pressing it and her response was, "try the vitamin D and see if that helps!" it has not. after speaking with my dad's gf who has chronic pain in her legs as well, she showed me that vitamin D can, in some cases, worsen bone pain!!

these are only a few stories i have of the professionals who ive seen being unbelievably Wrong about their supposed "area of expertise" but theyre the ones that i can name off the top of my head! i also strongly urge others to add their own experiences if you want to, positive or negative <3

crazy how every mentally ill/disabled person i know, knows more about psychology than most psychologists i know

absolutely wild how every physically disabled person i know, knows more about them than almost every professional i know

its almost like they should listen to us or something