#if you see any inconsistencies in this no you don't okay I had the brain power of a walnut while writing this

[anto-pops]

Inherent Desires - Sebastian Sallow x Female! Reader

Summary: After a draining week away from home with his fellow Aurors, the last thing Sebastian wants to do is sit through a damn dinner party with all of them in London. Lucky for him, your presence at the event gives him the perfect opportunity to do more entertaining things, like work you into a frenzy at the table.

Alternatively summarized as Sebastian wanting to go home and roll around in the sheets with you, but since he can't he settles for fucking you downstairs in his boss's house

Word Count: 5.7k

Warnings: 18+, aged up characters, explicit sexual content, mild voyeurism

I wrote this under the influence of Covid so don't look at it too closely. Full fic can be found here on Ao3!

Sebastian wanted to go the fuck home. 

He hadn’t even wanted to attend his boss’s stupid dinner party. Hauling ass all the way to London didn’t sound remotely appealing to him, especially when he’d only just arrived home from Poland the night before. It was well after midnight when he’d apparated into the living room of your shared home, exhausted and craving your familiar embrace like a man denied water. You’d been asleep though, and before he had the chance to reacquaint himself with your body earlier that morning, he’d received the summons for a celebratory feast in his squad’s honor. 

Why they needed to further celebrate taking down a dragon fighting ring, he didn’t know. His work was cut out for him despite the completed assignment; it just meant more paperwork, more meetings, and evidently more formalities that he didn’t care to entertain. You had convinced him to attend– if only because the whole soiree was in his honor. Sebastian’s absence would have been apparent and awkward to address later down the line. 

You’d told him he could grouse all he wanted, and Merlin— was he succeeding. His arms were crossed loosely across his chest while he sat back in his seat, eagerly awaiting the end of the night with his lips pursed and his brows furrowed. Sebastian’s expression might have come across as focused and domineering to everyone else, but to you it just looked downright irate. His boss had to be getting to him after weeks of working together so closely.

How did the saying go again? Familiarity breeds contempt, or something like that. It seemed to fit the situation to a ‘T’.

No rational thinking could change the fact that Sebastian didn’t want to be here. Especially with you seated beside him looking ten different kinds of seductive. 

You were positively ravishing. Donned in the silky, forest green dress that Sebastian had gifted you this morning, the material clung to your feminine frame like a glove and left little to the imagination. He wanted nothing more than to run his hands all over you– to finally satiate the undeniable urge to sheathe himself in your tight core once again. The most he’d been able to do was help you get dressed earlier, and the seductive drag of his fingers up your spine as he zipped you up had been enough to make his intentions clear to you. 

There was a time and a place, however, and you’d told him as much with a sultry look before heading outside to the carriage. Since then, he was having a hard time focusing on anything else. 

From his seat next to you, he could feel the heat radiating off of your body, and the low hum of your ancient magic charged the air and made his hair stand on end. Sebastian had to dig his nails into the upholstery of his seat to refrain from touching you openly. The smell of your perfume was like an aphrodisiac after seven long, grating days spent away from it. Nevermind the flush on your cheeks from all the wine you’d consumed; it made you look all the more alluring, and the half-chub he’d been sporting was quickly becoming something bigger and more bothersome. 

Sebastian considered his next move carefully, glancing around the comically large dinner table fit for a villain before he turned his attention back to you. Your arm was outstretched to accept another generous serving of red wine, your lips curling into a practiced smile as you murmured a low, “Thank you.”

Marlowe Selwyn, the host of the evening, chose that moment to charm away everyone’s dirty plates and replace the picked apart main course with an extravagant looking cake in the center of the table. Your eyes were wider than saucers as you took in the impressive sight, and Sebastian smiled despite his sour mood. Sometimes suffering through these things was worth it to see you so easily pleased. He knew you had a wicked sweet tooth. 

He did too, if he was being honest, but the sudden realization that he would rather have you for dessert hit him like a steaming train, and his cock twitched in his trousers enthusiastically. 

“Once again, a grand toast to Sallow’s squad for a job well done in Poland,” Marlowe announced, his bald head glistening with a thin sheen of sweat. The wine had to be warming him up thoroughly. “I’ve always had high expectations for you all and you never fail to impress. Here’s to many more successes in the near future, cheers.” 

You lifted your glass in solidarity, watching as all the Auror’s around the table did the same as they hooted and hollered their agreements, when you suddenly felt a broad hand plant itself on your thigh.

When you glanced up, Sebastian was staring at you with a blank expression, but there was no way you missed the mischievous glint in his eyes. You shot him a sideways look of your own, biting your tongue to stifle a quip, but the brunet only huffed out an airy laugh under his breath. You brought your wine glass back to your lips to take a generous sip and school the building tension in your shoulders. It was pointless, however, seeing as Sebastian started to drag his fingers up your leg to gather the material of your dress into a balled heap. 

You knew exactly what he was trying to do, and the thought made you flush deeper and shudder nervously. While your lower half was concealed by the table, there would be no hiding your reactions to Sebastian’s touch if he continued. Once he’d haphazardly pushed the majority of your dress up your legs to expose his target, you visibly tensed and dropped one of your own hands to grip his, anxiously looking around the room at the slew of tipsy Ministry officials who were none the wiser to Sebastian’s horny antics at the far end of the table. 

Sebastian licked his lips in a bid to hide his cheshire-like smile while he watched you, noting your sharp intake of breath when he cautiously ventured closer to your nether region. Your back seemed to go rigid at the sudden attention, and he felt your nails dig into the skin at his wrist when he finally pressed his middle finger against your thin undergarments, sparing a quick glance down the row of seats to ensure he hadn’t been discovered. Marlowe was still talking, and his co-workers were preoccupied with watching him cut the massive cake, which meant he was in the clear for the time being. 

Your wine glass shook in your hand when Sebastian trailed his finger down to seek out the tiny bundle of nerves at your center, causing you to whip your head to the side to stare at him unblinkingly. Your voice was low when you hissed out, “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” He shot back easily with a knowing smirk. 

“It looks like you’re being incredibly careless. Knock it off, this isn’t the time–” you were cut off by your own gasp when he finally planted the tip of his finger against your aching core, rubbing firm, teasing circles around your clit through the cotton of your panties. You felt your face heat up as you shifted your hips back in an attempt to pull away from the abrupt pleasure, but Sebastian followed you easily. There was virtually nowhere for you to go to escape his brazen ministrations. 

“What about you, Mrs. Sallow?” You heard Marlowe ask from the other side of the table, and you jumped slightly in your seat from having been quickly roped back into the moment at hand. “Have you given any further thought to my offer?” 

Sebastian stilled his movements– just barely– so that he could glare fixedly at his boss. You had no idea what the man was even referring to, but clearly your husband did. Swallowing thickly, you released Sebastian’s wrist to gingerly set your wine glass down on the table, then tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear. 

“Sorry… what offer?” 

“Don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten! I’m referring to the Auror position– for you to join our ranks in the Ministry. Your abilities are squandered, my dear. Think of all the good work we could accomplish with the help of your ancient magic.”

Oh, right. That offer. 

It wasn’t the first time Marlowe had pitched the Auror title to you, and something told you it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Your answer had never changed though; becoming an Auror was something you had decided against a long time ago, preferring to maintain your freedom to travel where you wanted, when you wanted. Besides, your exploration of ancient magic sites was far from complete, and with so much left to discover and unearth, you found yourself shaking your head through the lustful fog that clouded your mind. 

It was far too difficult to keep your voice steady when Sebastian started pressing down on your clit again. Your voice was tight as you squeezed your knees together under the table, but he didn’t let that stop him. “I apologize, Mr. Selwyn, but I’m afraid my answer is still the same.”

Marlowe’s beady eyes narrowed scrupulously, and his lips pursed with obvious disappointment, but he gave you a firm nod all the same. “I see. Well… should you change your mind, you know where to find me.” 

You were certain he didn’t mean for the statement to come out so suggestive, but you simply gave him a curt nod before turning your attention to your lap. The veins in Sebastian’s hands were swollen and apparent, his irritation with his boss palpable, but he rewarded your indifferent reply with a quick swipe up your dampening folds, and you had to bite your lip to refrain from moaning in earnest. This was a game you were quickly losing, and the growing fire in your gut was as intoxicating as it was sobering. 

You were petrified of being discovered. 

“Are you alright, dear? You look rather ill,” another one of Sebastian’s squad members asked you from across the table. You were positive you’d met the man before, but his name escaped your memory completely. In fact, your mind was utterly blank of any prudent information– save for the acute placement of Sebastian’s long, cunning fingers. 

Dozens of heads swiveled in your direction to scrutinize your seemingly ‘ill’ appearance, and you hastily shoved Sebastian’s hand away from between your legs and tugged your dress down. “Yes, I’m fine. I suppose the wine is starting to get to me– please excuse me for a moment.” 

You didn’t wait to gauge your husband’s reaction. Instead you swiftly stood from your seat, offering a polite smile to Marlowe and the rest of the attendees before you strode out of the dining room to head for the downstairs restroom. The sound of your heels clicking against the marble stairs filled the foyer– betraying your hurried pace and giving away just how desperate you were for a modicum of privacy. You shouldered the door open and closed it quickly, latching the lock into place before you turned to stare at your reflection. 

Shit. 

As if wine could make you look so frazzled. You were scarlett from head to toe, and your dress was mildly wrinkled in the areas Sebastian had bunched up and shoved out of the way to play with you. A nagging voice in the back of your mind threatened to brutalize him for nearly humiliating you in front of all his co-workers, but a louder, much needier voice was suddenly demanding that you leave with him to go home and make him finish what he’d started. 

Up until now, you’d been fairly surprised with Sebastian’s restraint. You knew he was as eager as you were to fool around after such an abrupt and grating business trip, but he’d seemingly been on his best behavior all evening. You should have known his patience would run out before you even left London. He was way too predictable. 

The distinct sound of a lock being charmed open reached your ears, and you stepped further into the dimly lit bathroom to prematurely glare at who you already knew had come searching for you. Sebastian poked his head through the entryway first, grinning diabolically when he caught sight of your unkempt appearance before stepping through the threshold and shutting the door– all without taking his dark eyes off of you. 

“You have some gall, you know that?” You immediately started in on him, jabbing an accusatory finger in his direction while you raked your other hand through your hair. “Have you gone completely mad? Are you trying to embarrass us both?”

Sebastian adjusted the flared collar of his Auror coat with a smug expression on his face, shrugging nonchalantly as he leaned against the closed door. “I don’t think you realize how good you look tonight.”

“That’s hardly an excuse–”

“Yes it is. You’re distracting me. As soon as I got home last night, all I wanted was to be inside of you– frankly it’s unacceptable that I haven’t been yet. Then you go and wear something like this and expect me to eat Selwyn’s shitty dessert? I’d much rather have you.”

“I– but– you gave me this dress,” you stammered out indignantly, which only served to make Sebastian chuckle. 

“I did, and you look radiant, make no mistake. I suppose it’s my own fault for insisting you wear it tonight.” He stepped away from the door, the predatory glint in his eyes deepening as he moved to plant himself directly behind you facing the mirror. “I thought I’d be able to hold off until later, but I don’t see that happening anymore.” 

You watched through the reflection as Sebastion wound his strong arms around your midsection, tugging you flush against his chest so he could run his hands up your front. The closer he got to your breasts, the shallower your breathing became, and you reached behind yourself to place your palms against the brunet’s toned legs in an attempt to ground yourself. “S-Sebastian, not here. Merlin– what if Marlowe comes looking and walks in?”

He lowered his head to nuzzle his lips against your thunderous pulse, pressing wet, chaste kisses along the slender column of your neck. Once he found one of your pert nipples through the silky material draped over you and pinched lightly, your restraint started to slip away. 

Then again, had it really been there in the first place? Your resolve where Sebastian was concerned was always about as strong as wet tissue paper. He knew exactly what buttons to press to get what he wanted from you, and you rarely had any complaints to voice after the fact– save for when he was acting like a complete prat in the process. 

“If he does, then he’ll be the luckiest bastard alive for all of two seconds before I kill him.” 

“Sebastian!” 

“I’m joking, darling. I do hate the way Selwyn speaks to you, though. He’s too familiar with you for my liking.” He looked up at your flustered self staring wide-eyed at him in the mirror, dropping one of his hands to the space between your legs while the other trailed higher to curl around your throat, and your stomach flipped over on itself from the possessive hold he had on you. Sebastian’s hand tightened a fraction to press your head against his shoulder, leaving you arched deliciously across the front of his torso– and he swore up and down he wouldn’t be able to hold back, even if he wanted to. “Let me fuck you here. I’ll be so good to you, I promise. To hell with the party, we can leave right after.”

Your pulse fluttered beneath Sebastian’s broad hand as you sucked in a shaky breath, watching with rapt interest as his wandering fingers began tugging up the green fabric of your dress once again. The urge to stop him was nowhere to be found despite the circumstances, and you squeezed your eyes shut as you willed your brain to function rationally. “By that logic we could just leave now and spare ourselves the embarrassment of being caught. The carriage is literally waiting outside.” 

Sebastian tugged your head back a smidge further to give himself easier access to lave his hot tongue along the shell of your ear, drawing a shiver from you that he felt reverberate through your prone form. “That line of thinking is flawed– I would still have to wait in that case, and if I have to wait any longer I’ll lose my fucking mind.” 

Shifting your feet to better support yourself, the tiny movement allowed your backside to rub perfectly against Sebastian’s painfully hard cock. You hadn’t doubted him in the slightest when he said he was impatient, but feeling his arousal pressed against your ass made his predicament all the more apparent, and you couldn’t help the slight smile that broke out across your face when his strained breathing fanned across your temple. 

“Gods, do you want me to beg? Because I will, I’ll get on my knees for you here and now. Please darling– please let me– I need you so badly, you have no clue.” 

The entire time he was talking, his hips were rocking against you– shamelessly deriving his own pleasure from the friction the movement provided. The entire display really had no business being so attractive, especially considering you were literally locked in Marlowe Selwyn’s downstairs bathroom. Much as you’d expected, however, Sebastian was working you into a tizzy with sorely little effort, and you were as keen to feel him as he was to feel you. 

Sebastian hoisted your dress up your legs slowly, taking his time and observing your every reaction in the mirror with an intensity that made your head spin. “You’re certifiably insane, but fine,” you relented, dragging one of your hands in front of you to gingerly grasp Sebastian’s forearm. “We have to be quick though, I really don’t want anyone to come looking.” 

With your dress hiked up mostly out of the way, Sebastian had enough leeway to run his palms up your bare stomach, gently scratching his nails along the soft, smooth skin as he went. “The absolute last thing I want to do is rush through this… you know I like to take my time.” 

“Then save the rest of your horny fantasies for after we get home. Unless you secretly want someone to walk in on us. Are you that eager for your boss to see your cock?”

You felt Sebastian’s deft hand scale down towards your aching center once more– only this time he slipped the appendage under the thin cotton of your underwear, and his fingers were instantly met with your pooling slick. He practically guffawed at your taunt and flashed you a cunning smirk through the mirror, “Now who’s certifiably insane?” 

“Still you. This was your idea, remember?” 

He chuckled darkly against your ear as he finally slid one of his slender digits through your sopping wet folds, and the shaky breath you let out was like music to his ears. Your lips parted around a moan as he began working you open on his finger, your grip on his arm tightening just barely to keep yourself upright as you practically melted against his chest. Sebastian set an even rhythm, focusing intently on getting as deep within you as he could given the precarious angle, but he was utterly adoring watching you fall apart in the reflection of the mirror. There was no chance he would risk moving you around and lose his opportunity to witness your pleasure so closely. 

Trailing hot kisses down your neck and across your exposed shoulder, Sebastian curled his finger inside your pulsing heat, pressing and twisting expertly inside of your familiar core to prepare you for what you both desperately wanted. Your airy whimpers bounced off the marble walls of the bathroom, imbuing Sebastian with a vigor that had his cock twitching avidly against your ass. 

“I’ll make you feel so good, darling,” Sebastian murmured directly in your ear, subtly withdrawing his finger before plunging back in with a second. A keening whine slipped from your throat as you wriggled your hips back onto his fingers, the wet sounds reaching your ears and making you flush impossibly further. “I’ve wanted this since I left last week– you’re so fucking perfect, Merlin, the things you do to me…”

Sebastian’s praises had you sighing loudly, your resolve a thing of the past as you took in the sinful scene playing out in the mirror. His strong arm draped across your front to hold your throat effectively caged you to him, and his imposing stature behind you dwarfed you in comparison. At this point in your adult lives, he towered over you, and some inherent, primal part of you loved that fact. 

Everything transpiring was almost enough to lull the two of you into a slower, more sensual pace, until the distinct sound of heavy footsteps from down the hall had you both tensing in place. You let go of Sebastian’s arm to cover your mouth, not trusting yourself to remain quiet without some help– especially because your husband didn’t stop finger fucking you. The conniving bastard flashed you a grin that said it all; he didn’t give a single shit if anyone heard you. 

Maybe he really was an exhibitionist. 

The footsteps got closer, closer, until they bypassed the bathroom entirely and continued further down the hall to enter a different room. You exhaled a breath that you didn’t know you’d been holding and let your hand slide away from your mouth, fixing Sebastian with a sharp look despite your disheveled appearance. 

“Please Sebastian, hurry up,” you managed to squeak out through your tight throat. The pressure building in your gut was borderline torturous, and a wanton moan tumbled from your wine stained lips when he scissored his fingers right before he curled them again, fuck–

“Are you that worried about being caught?” He mused, his mouth watering hungrily when you turned your head to bury your face in the crook of his neck. 

“Yes,” you whispered against his heated skin. “J-Just– come on–”

Sebastian raised his shoulder to jostle you out of your hiding spot, swiftly capturing your lips in a desperate kiss that made your knees tremble and left your mind blank. His tongue delved deep in your mouth, tangling with your own as he swallowed every tiny mewl his fingers pulled from you. As much as he loved the prospect of teasing you, he was impatient too. Not as a result of being discovered— but because it had already been an entire week since he’d been inside of you— and the phantom feeling had haunted his every waking moment in Poland. 

Licking his lips, his dark eyes hot with pure lust, Sebastian pulled his fingers from your throbbing cunt and carefully walked you forward so your hip bones were pressed against the bathroom counter. You felt his hands trail up your waist to tug down your undergarments, letting them fall around your ankles haphazardly. It seemed to pain him to step away, but he did it anyway to undo his belt and release his cock from the confines of his trousers and briefs altogether. It sprung free and he moved directly behind you once more, the lush feeling of his girthy member settling between your cheeks enough to make you twitch your hips back in a silent invitation. 

Sebastian’s broad hands found your hips again, hastily moving your dress out of the way so he could grip you with a strength that had your mouth drying out instantly. “Do you think you can keep quiet or should I cast a silencing charm just in case?”

“Just shut up and fuck me already,” you growled over your shoulder at him. His throaty laugh was his only reply before you felt his weight settle over your back, his lips pressing soothingly against your shoulder as he slowly and carefully spread you open with his thick cock. 

“F-Fuck, darling– you’re so warm–” he grit through his clenched teeth, barely restraining himself as he bottomed out and slid his sweaty palms up your body to feel along the sensual curve of your waist. Having the good grace to give you a second to adjust, Sebastian’s labored breathing filled the room, and your head fell forward between your shoulders at the overwhelming fullness you felt. “Is it okay?”  

“Gods, yes–” you gasped out as he ground into you slightly. “Were you always this big?”

That was all he needed to hear for his patience to evaporate into thin air.

Sebastian’s hold on you tightened as he abruptly set to filling you in short, quick thrusts, using your hips as leverage to pull you back onto his cock. His eyes damn near crossed at the feeling— instilling you with the willpower to meet him halfway— and you started rocking back into him with stuttering, panting breaths as your eyes fluttered shut. For a few heated moments, all that could be heard were both of your throaty moans echoing off the bathroom walls, coupled with your needy pleas for “More, Sebastian, more,” which in turn had your lover growling as he started fucking you harder and deeper. 

The sound of skin slapping against skin was fucking intoxicating. You threw your head back with your eyes clenched shut, biting your lip to stifle a groan, and Sebastian took full advantage of your closer proximity to grab a fistful of your hair and yank you back towards him. His other hand stayed planted firmly on your hip, holding you steady as he railed into you in search of that magic spot that he knew would reduce you to a boneless heap. All you could do was grip the rim of the sink and pray to whatever higher power existed that you would make it through the night without being branded a harlot by your husband’s co-workers. 

Leaning down to bite at the side of your neck, you heard and felt Sebastian’s raspy command against your sweat-slick skin, “Open your eyes and watch me fuck you– watch how good you look taking my cock– come on sweetheart, open those pretty eyes for me, please?” 

How the hell were you supposed to say no to that? 

You cracked open your bleary eyes to find Sebastian’s carnal expression fixed solely on you over your shoulder. The red flush that covered you from head to toe was offset by the dark green coloring of your dress, and your hair was beyond messy gathered in Sebastian’s unrelenting vice grip. In turn, he looked positively animalistic; still decked out in his Auror uniform, his appearance was incredibly striking, and the fire that burned behind his eyes was as commanding as it was reverent. He broke eye contact briefly to look down between you both– enamored with the way you seemed to suck his cock in deeper with every hurried thrust– and when he glanced back at your half-hooded eyes taking in the sight of him, he felt a pang of arousal shoot straight to his core. 

“Merlin, you’re gorgeous. You look so pretty with my cock in you, darling,” Sebastian all but purred at your reflection, and the broken moan his comment elicited from you left him grinning like a madman. Your thighs shook with the intensity of your mounting pleasure, and he made a show of releasing your hip to drag his hand sensually down the front of your dress again. “You love it, don’t you? Being filled up by me with dozens of people around? You’re doing so good, I missed this– I missed you.”

The pointed thrust Sebastian bestowed on you did you both a slew of favors. Your eyes went wide and rolled closed as the head of his cock brushed past that hypersensitive spot deep within you, and your mouth fell open as a loud, unconcealed cry snaked its way up your throat. Slapping your hand over your mouth, you heard as Sebastian moaned at the way you squeezed around him, ramming his hips against you faster in a bid to fuck your orgasm out of you in rough, claiming thrusts. 

Sebastian’s name fell from your lips again, muffled by your hand, and your legs quaked under you as you were rendered limp against the countertop. Your nails dug into the sides of your cheeks as you frantically looked towards the door– the knowledge that any one of the people here could walk in and find you setting your teeth on edge in ways you’d never anticipated. A deep rooted groan slipped through your fingers as you chanced a look over your shoulder at your husband with desperate eyes. 

At this point, Sebastian knew your tells almost better than he knew his own. He released your hair from his fist to plaster himself to you, pounding his cock into your wet heat as he whispered, “Are you close, darling? Want to come?” 

Nodding brainlessly, you gasped into your hand before you ripped it away from your face and slapped it against the counter, your nails scrambling to find purchase atop the smooth surface. You were getting close– so close– but you didn’t trust yourself not to wail out for more, so you just trembled beneath Sebastian and hoped that he could feel your looming finish. 

His strong fingers flexed and dug into your hip as his other hand crept lower under your bent torso, seeking out your soaked clit expertly, and as soon as he found it, there was little time for you to brace yourself for the tight circles he brutally bestowed upon you. 

“F-Fuck, fuck,” you cried out, eternally grateful to be half-laying on the countertop, because there was no fucking way your legs could support you through the blissful haze that clouded your mind. “Sebastian, please–”

It was too much. Your breath caught in your throat as you shivered, whining against the cool marble finish beneath you as Sebastian rammed into you, timing his thrusts with his fingers at your throbbing center. The filthy, wet sounds emanating from between the two of you made his head go completely empty, and he sank his teeth into your shoulder to stifle his own lustful groans as his hand between your legs picked up its pace. 

“Come for me, love– come on my cock, please, I need you to,” Sebastian fucking whimpered against the spit-slick imprint of his teeth, and the tenor to his voice told you he was right there on the cusp with you. 

The pressure from his fingers and his rough pace was more than enough to send you spiraling, and when you finally came, it took everything in you not to scream Sebastian’s name at the top of your lungs. You rode out the pulses of ecstasy with your tongue clamped between your teeth to fight the noises that threatened to give you both away, but the brunet had no such qualms and pumped into your tightening walls once, twice, then came with a guttural moan that echoed off the walls of the bathroom. 

Sebastian muttered your name softly as he sucked in shaky breaths after a moment, rocking his hips into you until he’d emptied himself completely and you were nothing more than a frail, twitching heap under him. Your overstimulated walls seemingly clamped around him even more when he leaned forward to pepper featherlight kisses against your temple, wringing mind-bending waves of pure rapture from him until it started to hurt from how sensitive he was. 

Sliding out of you with a contented sigh, Sebastian dotingly ran his hands down your sides to stir you from your post-coital stupor. You lifted your head to blearily stare at him through the mirror, doing your best to commit his fucked-out appearance to memory– and ironically, he seemed to be doing the same. 

“What do you think?” He asked you after a few heated seconds. “Do you think anyone heard?” 

He may as well have doused you with a bucket of ice water. You didn’t even want to consider the possibility. 

Miraculously, you found the strength to push yourself off the counter with quivering arms, grateful that Sebastian was there to steady you on your near boneless legs. “I’d rather not stay and find out, to be honest,” you murmured under your breath, and he chuckled as he brought his hands up to rake through his curly, mused hair. 

“Fine by me,” he acquiesced quickly. “What do you say we bail and continue this at home? Preferably horizontally.” 

This man and his one-track mind… you had to fight your smile with everything in you. “Don’t you think you should say something to Marlowe first?” 

Sebastian scoffed as he stuffed his softening cock back in his trousers, then bent down to gently tug your underwear up your shaky legs. “Say what? ‘Thanks for holding us hostage for another day after practically living together for a week’ or ‘Sorry for fucking my wife in your downstairs bathroom, have a great night’? Doesn’t sound very appealing to me.”

“Fair enough… Irish goodbye then?” 

Sebastian’s grin split his face as he cocked his head to the side, affectionately working to fix up your hair. He let his fingers trail smoothly along your jaw until they were under your chin, tilting your head up towards him so he could kiss you with zeal that left you excited to return home. The way his lips molded to yours was tantamount to perfection, and you knew then and there that you would agree to anything he asked of you. You’d missed him far too much to deny him a damn thing. 

“Irish goodbye,” he agreed coyly. 

You let Sebastian clean you up a bit more before he led you out of the bathroom and through the foyer, ignoring the direction of the dining room entirely in favor of the front door. Quieter than mice, the two of you escaped into the chilly night, laughing at the sheer absurdity of your antics the entire ride home. Sebastian’s wandering hands distracted you brilliantly for the bulk of the journey, and by the time you made it home, your earlier concerns had dissipated fully from your mind. 

You never did find out if Mr. Selwyn or his party-goers were privy to your escapades after that, and quite truthfully, you didn’t think you ever wanted to find out. 

[eliciana]

Reverse SAGAU: The Weird Door At My Café

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 (here) | ...

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Tw: Reverse!Isekai!Sagau, Normal Au, Café Au, a bit of cussing like this bit 🤏.

Reader: Gn!Reader, Adult!Reader, Café Owner!Reader

Characters: Reader, Paimon, Traveler

Note: Restaurant to Another World animanga inspired au. There is a taglist if you want to be tagged. Also, I may say that the characters other than the reader may be a bit OOC cause it's been a long time since I played genshin and I'm just finishing all of my works with my knowledge left from playing the game. So sorry about it 🙏🙏.

ALSO, sorry for the inconsistent updates. I'm busy with uni and my job so, I have very little time to write.

____________________________________

'Oh no no no. It's the Traveler and Paimon. Shit! What do I do? What do I do?' You're heart is beating so fast that it might just pop out of your chest anytime. It felt like eternity, just looking at both of them, it's as is if time is slowing down. 'Should I just fake dead? No, that will make them worried then come up to me and then- OH NO!' You eyes widen in horror as the two come near you with worry etched in their faces.

"Uhm. Hello? Are you okay?" Paimon with her high pitched voice asked you. "Are you hurt somewhere?" The Traveler extended a hand, offering to help you up from the floor where you were sprawled upon.

[Reader.exe has stopped working. Brain circuit has malfunctioned. Attempting to restart... Failed. Reloading...]

You looked at them absentmindedly, your brain struggling to process the situation. "Huh?" The Traveler, noticing your distress, gently carried you and placed you back in your chair. They wiped the tears from your face with a handkerchief, their touch warm and comforting.

"Hmm. Traveler. don't you think that this place kind of resembles a restaurant of some sort? Or like Puspa Café? But just more... uh advanced???" Paimon flew around the Café, examining each and every corner. "And it smells so lovely in here." She kicked her feet in the air while giggling as she looked at the pastry you had on your plate hungrily.

The Traveler nodded but their attention was still on you who looked like as if their soul was going to heaven. 'As expected, they do seem familiar and their aura... Where have I felt this?'

As you sat in your chair, dazed and just all in all trying to process what is going on, the Traveler placed their hand in your shoulder. the warmth in their hand seemed to have had woken you up in your stupor. "Take a deep breathe. You seem quite overwhelmed by the situation." Gently their voice was. They noticed your drink in the table and slowly pushed it towards you. "Drink first, water would have been better but I can't seem to find any."

"Sorry for startling you. We didn't mean any harm." The Traveller smiled as friendly as they could. "I'm Traveller and she is my companion, Paimon. May I know your name?"

"Uhm... My name is... (Reader)..." you introduced yourself, voice still shaky. "(Reader)... That's a lovely name!" Paimon chipped.

"Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Can we know where this place might be? This place is quite different from what we are used to and as you have seen earlier, we came from that door. The door appeared during one of our commisions and our curiosity led us here. It will be quite helpful to know where we are as of now." The Traveler slowly told you, thinking that you still might be startled at the moment.

"Ah. This is a Café and I'm the owner..." you explained, trying to regain your composure.

"I see." The Traveller nodded and seemed to be in a deep train of thought at your answer.

"WAHH! Traveller! Look! Look!" Paimon squealed. She flew to the Traveller and urged them to come with her. "Wait! Paimon! Slow down will you-" Silence. An eerie silence washed over your building. It was getting awkward so you had decided to walk over to them and try to explain the very advanced planet you live in.

As you approached the duo, you coughed, albeit awkwardly, and cleared your throat. "Uhm yeahh... As you can see outside of the window, this world is not the same as your world. It's quite baffling, right? I was also the same when I saw your world on the other side of the door." You scratched your cheek.

"What is this place?" Paimon said in awe, continuing to look at the scenery outside. The Traveler just continued looking outside speechlessly, eyes darting to one thing ot another. Then suddenly your eyes widened at a realization but you still kept yourself calm.

You explained to them softly, "The planet where you are in is called Earth and we are currently in (country name) situated in (where your country is)." While they where admiring the scenery, you took a quick silent run towards the shelf where the standees of genshin impact where situated at and roughly shoved them inside an unused cabinet.

"Oh yeah, what's your planet called?" You feigned ignorance of knowing who they already are. After all, if you somehow learned that you were just a game character, what would you feel? Wouldn't you feel so detached? or something along those lines and you don't want the both of them to go into a spiral of depression and continuous questions. It's also because you don't know what kind of excuse you will make if they ever saw the standees. It's only a miracle they didn't see it earlier.

"Oh uh, we're from somewhere called Teyvat. We're currently staying at Mondstadt due to some personal bussiness." The Traveler replied.

"I see. Teyvat... I have never heard of that. Come, sit here. Choose anything you guys want, except for the *cough* pastries cause they are only going to be delivered tomorrow. Also, my treat!" You winked at them as you gestured for them to seat at a table.

"You don't have to treat us to this. We will pay you for your service." The Traveler quickly told you. "Oh please, I insist. Besides, you guys are my first customers. Now, choose what drinks and snacks you would want in the menu." The Traveler wanted to refuse again but refusing twice would be quite impolite and you seem quite the person who would not go against what they say and stick to it no matter what so, they accepted their defeat with a soft sigh and begun browsing through the menu.

"WOAH! All of the drinks and foodsin the menu look and sound so amazingg! I can't choose!" Paimon squealed. Actually, you were quite suprised that Paimon has her very first voice and not the new one. Her squeals are more tolerable and she doesn't sound like a pig going to be butchered.

After minutes of them painstakingly choosing what they want and consulting you on what some of drinks are, they finally decided on what they want. Creamy Caramel Mocha for Paimon and Hazelnut Coffee for the Traveler.

(Note: I just randomly choose what I think they would want from the drinks I have already tasted so it might contrast with what you guys think they would like.)

You went behind the counter and proceeded to make their orders while you guys talk and ask each other about you guy's worlds, of course with you feigning ignorance even though you already know most of the lore.

_________________________________________

Without any of you three knowing, you lost track of time and soon it was evening. You had so much fun teaching them about Earth and listening to their tales of adventure on Teyvat. Paimon even provided you with an extensive list of her favorite foods from each nation, in case you ever decided to visit Teyvat. Nonetheless, you feel grateful but you don't know when you will go to their world but probably when you have a glock in hand would be the best time to go there. For now, you were content to cherish the memories you had made alongside them.

It was now time to say goodbye. You feel kind of sad since you have bonded with them much more in this short time but it's time to let go. Maybe there will be another next time or maybe not but, you are sure that you will wait again for the time they will come back again even if it's a long time. After all, they are still looking for their sibling so they may not have that much time to be able to visit you.

With a heavy heart, you packed some of the leftover pastries to give them as a farewell gift. "Wahhh! Thank you (Reader)!" Paimon exclaimed, tackling you in a grateful hug. "The next time we come here, we'll be sure to bring some delicious treats from Teyvat!"

The Traveler looked at you warmly. "Thank you (Name). I'll make sure to bring the finest sweets next time we meet." They stepped forward and embraced you gently. "Although our time together was brief, I cherished every moment."

"Me too..." you replied, your voice tinged with a hint of melancholy. Standing before the door, you gently waved them a farewell as they prepared to depart. The Traveler and Paimon returned your wave, their faces reflecting the same emotions you felt. With a deep breath, they turned and stepped through the threshold, embarking on their continued journey.

As you watched them depart, you couldn't help but feel a bittersweet longing. But you knew that their paths would cross again, and you would be waiting, ready to welcome them back with open arms and a fresh batch of pastries.

_________________________________________

Taglist:

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@esthelily

@haru-tofuu

@udretlnea

@shining-nebula2000

@ifeellikejumpingoffacliff

@resident-cryptid

@allblognamesaretakenlikereally

@leilakaro

@stvrbrighttt

@chericia

@evaline-ethan

@ra404

@mmmhyperfixation

[constantfragmentation]

It's bugging me...

The inconsistencies and a lack of detail and continuity in S2. S1 was all about the tiniest details.

Don't get me wrong, the animation is gorgeous, BUT --

The underwater scene is where Jinx lets Silco go.

He was RIDDLED with bullets. Yet, not a mark on him?

Why is his damaged eye closed? I thought he didn't have an eyelid. Artistically, I think having his lifeless eyes glazed over would have been more dramatic, considering it's Silco. Nah, he just sinks like Jack to the depths of the Titanic.

How deep IS the Pilt River?? I'm assuming that's where she 'buried' him.

The whole first act is so damn rushed.

No one seems to wonder what happened to Silco? He was only the main person holding the Underground together by the strands of his pomade hair. His death is a BIG deal, yet it's glossed over. No one questioned any of it???

Sevika is just, okay, let's move on like it's another day (granted, Zaunites are probably predisposed to be like that, but that doesn't make for good storytelling if you're not letting the audience in on anything), and chatting it up with Jinx as if they just bonded. I didn't feel that happen. I like that they low-key ripped into him post mortem, because that feels natural but what got them in that room together DOESN'T.

I want to know how these characters FEEL. You got that in spades during S1. But S2 is just expecting you to assume or they would attempt to take the time to use what would be great writing and evolving these characters.

Caitlin is hurting, I get it. But she went full Commando Psycho mode. Girl, everyone has lost parents, siblings, etc... She doesn't even flinch when Vi tells her Enforcers killed BOTH her parents. She's lost a beloved sister... but Cait is affronted when Vi shirks from becoming an Enforcer. Let's just forget what PIltover did to Zaun for generations and to LOADS of people.

Vi? Oh girl. What happened to you?

Jinx is a bit better but not much. I don't buy Silco's death was a zap to the brain to chill her out a bit. She's still my Chaos Queen but unless there is something to explain some shit in the following episodes, I'm going to be really ticked at the lack of care in characterizations with who are the supposed leads in this story.

Jesus Viktor. That's it. That's all I got.

Well, I did LOL when he woke up and gave Jayce the "bye Felicia" in 2.2 seconds.

We don't get to know what Ekko is thinking since all this shit went down? As far as he knows, Jinx is dead and to learn to she bombed Piltover?

The music videos substituting for the plot are REALLY bugging me. It's lazy writing. The music was used well in S1 to ENHANCE the scene (well, except for giving Imagine Dragons an animated cameo). Here, it's used as exposition, but it's not nearly good enough.

Useless characters and side-characters. Poorly executed plot devices. Uninteresting plot devices and trying to use the S1 parallels for characterizations.

S1 took time to introduce and flesh out these characters, even the side-characters.

We only had Vander for 3 episodes but he was a HUGE character. Marcus, Mylo, Claggor, Benzo, Grayson, Finn.... all were interesting and played an important part.

Jayce continues to be blah. So I'm not bothered.

Ambessa looks to be the new villain but it's not hitting with me. Plus, there's zero foreshadowing on some stuff in her arc that would have been useful last season.

I like Mel but I'm waiting to see what happens with her.

Hermydingding going all Mission Impossible. Just stop. Does he not give two furry fucks about what happened to his fellow councilmembers and Piltover?

I feel like RIot is trying to shove way too much into one season and sacrificing good story-telling to do it.

I miss the details.

So far, I'm really underwhelmed with this season.

[kakashixhatakesxwhore]

Most to least experienced in bed? Konoha 11 and whoever else you wanna add. Love your work 😩😩

alrighty, i switched this up a bit to avoid strange research, if you wanna see someone else/another group ranking, lmk - i hope this is up to code, and thank you for the request!!

Sex Tier List

Ranked: Konoha 11 (Naruto, Sakura, Shikamaru, Ino, Choji, Kiba, Shino, Hinata, Neji, Lee, Tenten) + Sand Siblings (Kankuro, Temari, Gaara) + Sasuke

Warnings: swearing, x(GN)reader implications, we are talking about sex, uh idk lmk if something makes you uncomfy

Notes: Boruto era for everyone, and, for everyone, their Bortuo era! this request had me fucked up lowk because, canonically, these mfs got zero action without rings - so we're putting an enjoyment spin on it, worst to best, in a modern-ish au. as in, who you would have to guide, vs, who could rock your world, five times over, in one night.

Masterlist💿

Tier 3 - Passable🪙

5. Hinata

I'm not even sorry. She deffo just lies there. Never gets on top. You have to ask for anything and everything, and not even in a sexy, teasing way, more in a 'I don't want to feel like I'm fucking a wooden board' way.

4. Kiba

May God love him because this man is certainly a selfish lover. That's not to say he isn't good - he's great at getting himself off, his brain just kinda shuts off otherwise. If you wanna cum, the onus is on you, because he's fuck-drunk within seconds of you touching him.

3. Kankuro

He's trying, okay?? It's just really fucking hard to keep you in mind when you just feel so fucking good. Kankuro's just inconsistent - that's the main issue. He'll try a million different positions in one session and is always unintentionally edging you.

2. Lee

Now, our darling, Rock Lee, is trying his best, honestly and truly. However, he doesn't know anything about anything, and you have to guide him every now and again. He's got the enthusiasm down, he's just not very good at translating it into pure sexual energy on the fly.

1. Gaara

He's too busy to be good at sex. When he does find the time, y'all get extra down and dirty, but Gaara's still lowkey inexperienced and the irregularity of your encounters doesn't help.

Tier 2 - Good🪩

5. Choji

Bro's got hidden talents, aight? It's a matter of him wanting to utilize them that sets Choji up. Most nights, he's chilling, but on those key few nights, hot damn.

4. Sasuke

I would've put him lower but y'all would've been mad - it's called REALISM. Sasuke would be wayyyyy too busy to put in the work to develop any actual skill in the bedroom, and he would find researching for it so far past disgusting. His good grace would be his natural endowment and prowess, but he's on thin fucking ice.

3. Tenten

Surprisingly stone top vibes, I cannot lie. She deffo gets off on your pleasure, but she's down here because she's kinda bad at first. There would totally be improvement, like obvious and quick improvement, but those first few times were pretty rough.

2. Shino

Baby boy. Sweet boy. Ugh. I love. I wanted him as number one, so I'm not even defending this. Take it up with my lawyer.

1. Naruto

He's not the main character for nothing. Naruto lays pipe, but he can get a bit selfish at times. Never fear though, the second he catches himself, lost in the sauce, another round gets added to his itinerary. He'll be making it up to you tenfold, even if it was just for a minute.

Tier 1 - Fantastic🔮

5. Sakura

With her level of anatomical knowledge, she barely even needs to break a sweat to give you a release. However, she will break a sweat, because she wants to. Just amazing, idk what to tell you.

4. Temari

Got me kickin my feet and twirlin my hair rn - she would be so GODLY in the sack. She's always very present, very attentive, but is so openly expressive in the moment. Temari would have you screaming syllables and seeing colours behind your eyelids.

🥉 Neji

The game my man's got is INSANE. I just know for a goddamn fact that no one dances the horizontal mambo as gracefully as Neji. You're pleased, he's pleased, no one's ever terribly tired or bruised, the limits are clear lines but are never even toed. That's just the reg, too! Special nights would be fucking wild, dude would have wine, and flowers, and candles - he would go the whole nine yards every time.

🥈 Ino

Be still, my beating heart. Christ. Yeah, Ino's got this shit on lock. She's a vers switch, need I say more? (I do, someone request a fic)

🥇 SHIKAMARU

Y'all seen my preferance yet, or nah?

Oh Em Gee - Shikamaru could have you, heels to Jesus, all night longgggg. The stamina, the will, the knowledge, the capability; it's all there, and no one is as apt to put it all together except for Shikamaru. He would go for hours at a time, until he physically couldn't anymore. He would know exactly what makes your timebomb tick, and he would push every button so deliciously. Fuck, he's a tease too. If you two aren't actively in the bedroom, he's trying to get you there.

[thewalrusespublicist]

do you think John had BPD?

Hi anon!

I wasn't sure about answering this one because of the ethical difficulties but I think it's okay if I make it extremely clear that I am not a professional, I do not have training in this area, I do not know the individual personally and anything I say after this point can only be taken as speculation and opinion, not as a certainty. A lot of conditions have significant overlap with each other (C-PTSD and NPD immediately come to mind in John's case) which is why John would have needed to be assessed in a clinical setting. We also don't have any way to see if he had any abnormalities in his brain structure, particularly in the the amygdala, the hippocampus and the orbitofrontal cortex that are associated with BPD.

All that out of the way, for long complicated reasons I am familiar with BPD and in my view, yes John Lennon had BPD; to the point I think of him as almost a poster child for the condition. The reasons I think this are exhaustive, but I will break them down using the symptom criteria for BPD as set out in the DSM-5 as well as looking at an overview for the risk factors involved in developing BPD.

Risk factors:

Risk factors for BPD are both environmental and genetic. For genetic it is hard to know as we don't have full details on John's parents but Julia's own instability suggests that there may have been some genetic factor at play.

Environmental - environmental risks factors for BPD include:

Being victim to emotional, sexual and verbal abuse - we know John suffered from at least one of these. On the emotional front you had his biological parents force him to choose between them, his aunt Mimi being incredibly controlling and giving him the silent treatment as a regular punishment as well as getting rid of his dog as a manipulation tactic. I have no doubt as well that Aunt Mimi could give him a verbal tongue lashing when the mood suited her.

In terms of sexual abuse, it's not something I've brought up before as it's too dark and I don't have enough to back it up but there's something very murky when it comes to John and sexual boundaries with relatives. The repeated allusion to abnormal sexual relationships between family members in Skywriting bothers me. It could be John just being a wind up but it's always lain at the back of my mind as something potentially not right there. His poor sexual boundaries with his mother as expressed in his audio diaries is a hard one as she didn't play a traditional role in his life and it's actually quite normal for developing boys to sometimes get those urges as their hormones are going nutso. The only reason I raise it here though is that John shared a bed with his mum and her boyfriend until the age of five. Considering Julia was not the most responsible, I wonder if John witnessed some things in that situation he shouldn't have. Its deeply speculative but it's just a point that my brain can't drop.

Being exposed to long-term fear or distress as a child - John was distressed and confused about his unusual living situation and apparent abandonment by his mother. The death of his uncle was also a massive strain.

Being neglected by 1 or both parents - whilst the situation was complicated, Julia did leave John alone for long stretches of time whilst she worked in a bar and Alf was mostly absent apart from the Blackpool incident where John was forced to choose between his mother and father. I know aunt Mimi stepped in and did not physically neglect him (emotionally...) but these formative years are crucial.

Growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem - John doesen't seem to have had this save potentially what was going on with Julia.

Again from my own complicated history with the disorder, I know one of the risk factors is the individual growing up in and environment where affection and attention is inconsistent and feelings are not recognised . To my mind John experienced the physical inconsistency of his mother and the emotional inconsistency of Mimi.

So going through the list, John had nearly all the environmental risk factors for BPD and potentially some genetic factors.

Now let's look at the symptom criteria.

DSM criteria:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - reported repeatedly by classmates and friends. I can't find it right now but one school friend talked about John was extremely anxious about people leaving and would ask exactly when his friend would be back to spend time with him. If the account of the diaries are to be believed he was preoccupied that Sean and Yoko were going to leave him. One can see his entire break-up behaviour as one big desperate attempt to avoid being abandoned by his friends by leaving them first.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - treatment of Stu, Paul, Yoko and Sean is just textbook. His relationship with Paul is particularly illuminating: one minute he's god, the next a fallen idol. Elliot Mintz talks about John's view of Paul changing 'minute to minute'. Yoko too was his life, his world, the air he breathed but then he would scream at her and test her. He had no measured conceptualisation of close relationships, they had to be absolutely everything, otherwise they were fake/phony.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - See dependence on others for identity, and continuously moving to new personas or fads as a source of stability. The Mirror, Mirror Dakota demo is essentially a song describing this sensation.

4. Impulsivity in at least two potentially self-damaging areas (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) -all the ones listed John partook in.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior- don't know about this one. Not reported but doesen't mean it didn't happen.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days). - John's mood swings are infamous.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - doesen't speak to it overtly I believe (could be wrong) but his constant attempts to find a new thing to 'save' him as well as his chronic swings of depression I think suggest this may well have been true.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - again, infamous for his wild temper.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms - we joke about John's paranoia for a reason. For dissociation he potentially talks about it in Hunter Davies:

''If I am on my own for three days, doing nothing, I almost completely leave myself. I’m at the back of my head. I can see my hands and realize they’re moving, but it’s like a robot who’s doing it. I have to see the others to see myself. Then I realize there is someone like me so it’s reassuring.''

He also talks about seeing the world almost as if its a hallucination or a surreal fantasy which could be dissociation or the hallucinations that can happen with BPD.

You need five of these symptoms to meet the criteria for BPD. On my count John has at least seven and likely eight of the symptoms. BPD would explain his difficulties in his relationships, mood swings, constant seeking for the next big 'thing' and 'wild behaviour'. John also had narcissistic tendencies which would also make sense as Cluster-B personalities tend to have comorbidities or traits from other cluster B disorders.

I want to again stress that whilst there are clinicians that agree with me, I am not in any way qualified to make any diagnostic judgements, this is purely fan speculation. Nor does matching symptom criteria necessarily mean that John had the disorder or that his behaviour can't be explained by other mental illness'. For example, if you put John's behaviour up against a checklist for narcissistic personality disorder, he would match eight of the nine criteria. I personally believe that BPD fits John better than NPD as John was capable of (diminished) empathy and still capable of loving people past their use-by date, despite his desire to banish those feelings. But still the possibility of alternative explanations is there and I'm in no position to dismiss it.

That being said, I still believe the evidence is there and I wish it had been feasible for John to get a diagnosis to better understand himself and his responses. In that way he could have understood that he wasn't wrong or evil, he was just traumatised and his brain and behaviour had developed in a way to cope with the trauma. John was an immensely talented, funny, charming, generous, kind person who was adored by those close to him. At the same time due to what I believe to be his condition, he struggled to maintain these relationships and was liable to lash out despite his best efforts to improve. John didn't want to be angry, he tried to seek help, he just looked for it in the wrong places. Who knows, in another time and in another place with better access to care, life may have looked a lot different and a lot happier for John Lennon. And that to me, regardless of exact diagnosis, is one of the biggest tragedies in this whole situation.

[good-to-drive]

your analysis of paul + golden children was superb!!!! you mentioned that for children, abandonment means death. how would you say this manifested/developed in john considering his childhood (who's usually the one we think of regarding abandonment issues)?

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that!!! I always hope someone enjoys my ramblings lol. I definitely think John was deeply shaped by abandonment trauma and neglect, having had caregivers leave him, neglect him, and pass away during his childhood and adolescence, and I think you can see a mix of fear, shame, and anger connected to abandonment/rejection throughout his adult life. 

The best description I’ve read for the mindset of a child in a tumultuous family system is “Don’t let me disappear.” I touched on this here, but it all comes back to the deep, primal knowledge that without a caregiver you will die. It’s called existential fear because it’s quite literally a fear of nonexistence – it’s the knowledge that the only thing between you and death is the adult world, clashing with the knowledge that the adult world is inconsistent and unreliable. It's your survival being fundamentally dependent on a world you can’t control and, based on your experience of it, can’t trust. 

Ideally, children would never be confronted with the possibility of a caregiver dying, leaving, or neglecting them. But obviously John experienced at least two of those things, and arguably all three, and that means he was probably very acutely aware of death as a constant presence in his life. 

I know the way both Julia and Alfred abandoned him is already pretty heavily discussed, but one thing I don’t see people talking about is his life when he did live under Julia’s care.

I'm also not sure abandon is the right word for what Julia did, because I'm under the impression she may not have felt she had a real choice, but regardless it would have been abandonment to John. Children don't really understand that adults also don't control the adult world, and I'm sure he felt that if Julia wasn't his primary caregiver it was because she didn't want to be.

I don’t have an enormous amount of detail on this, but I know from this piece by Psychology in Seattle that Julia would leave John physically alone for long periods of time, particularly at night, to the point that he would have panic attacks and beg neighbors for help. And, again, when children feel abandoned or neglected it’s dying that they’re afraid of. He wasn’t just lonely and confused – though I’m sure that was part of it – he was existentially terrified. Through that experience of serious neglect, being unloved and rejected translated literally to death, which will set a horrible schema in a child's mind.

I think people might ignore this part of John's life because there’s a chance he can’t remember it, but aside from the fact that trauma can lead to early formation of memories, you don’t actually have to be able to remember something in order to be shaped and traumatized by it. And living with an early-childhood trauma you can’t remember, but which still shaped your brain and your perception of reality and your ability to ever feel okay, is a very painful and complex experience. In some ways trauma lives in the brain more than the mind, and being inside of a brain that’s been misused and twisted in a way you can’t get any clarity on is uniquely terrible. I genuinely don’t know if John could remember his early childhood, but there’s no way that experience didn’t instill deep trauma and permanently alter the way he saw and interacted with the world by instilling an early, maladaptive schema. 

It might also be a good time to mention how a schema is defined, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly done before. This article about the connection between maladaptive schemas and depression is way too long and mostly irrelevant, but this part is important:

A schema may be defined as “any broad organizing principle for making sense of one’s life experience” (Young, Kloscko, & Weishar, 2003, p. 7). While schemas can provide useful heuristics with which to organize the world, they can also be maladaptive when they involve pervasive, inflexible, and dysfunctional cognitions (e.g., Young, 1990). Expanding upon 78 EBERHART ET AL. Beck’s (1967, 1983) cognitive theory of depression, Young (Young, 1990, 1994; Young et al., 2003) has suggested that there are a number of specific maladaptive schemas that develop in childhood and are elaborated throughout life that place individuals at increased risk for psychopathology

A more straightforward explanation might be that schemas describe how you think about the world, and you usually learn them as a kid (sometimes even before you learn to talk), and everyone has them but when they’re really rigid or really negative they can cause a lot of problems in your life. One schema might be “I am unworthy of love.” That’s something a lot of people who experience early-childhood abandonment will develop, essentially explaining their abandonment to themselves by saying it must have been their own fault for not being lovable, and it echoes through their adult relationships by making love feel impossible or fake because it conflicts with one of their fundamental beliefs. A schema could also be “Most people are bad and want to hurt you,” which would make positive relationships in general very difficult to form. 

John also had his primary caregiver change early in life, when he went from being under Julia’s care to Mimi’s, which is always traumatic for children. It’s like being abandoned, except you’re also now dealing with a new caregiver who you don’t know and don’t know how to deal with. All the little things you learned for managing your relationship with your initial caregiver, the knowledge of how they usually react to things and how you can keep them appeased and thereby keep yourself safe, a sense of familiarity and the ability to know if you’re okay -- it's all stripped away, and it's utterly destabilizing and therefore terrifying. It can also make children very scared of feeling loved, because they’ve been taught on a deep level that being given love is a precursor to having love taken away. Of course, it can also make children desperate to feel loved, to be someone it’s impossible not to love. Or it can be a combination of both. 

There’s also evidence that Mimi used emotional neglect as a punishment during John's childhood – i.e. gave him the silent treatment when he did things that upset her. This is already a pretty horrible thing for a parent to do with an adult child, much less a young child who still feels (and is) utterly dependent on their caregiver for survival. I doubt I have to explain why using existential horror as a tool to torture your child when you’re unhappy with them is incredibly cruel and destructive, but it’s even worse for a child who already had a history of abandonment and neglect. And I think by reactivating his abandonment trauma in order to punish him or express dissatisfaction Mimi probably instilled in him very deeply that feeling unloved or rejected is something people do to you intentionally, because they want to see you hurt, because you've made some kind of mistake that displeased them. It would be so difficult for John to see any slight hint of rejection as anything but an intentional, malicious act meant to convey disapproval or retaliation, a conscious choice to hurt him in the absolute worst way possible because they felt he did something to deserve being hurt in the worst way possible. Because, in his experience, that’s exactly what it was.  

This would have created so much shame and self-hate connected to any kind of abandonment, as well as deep mistrust for people he loved and who therefore had the power to reject him. And for most people shame, self-hate, and mistrust are transmuted to anger and then to cruelty. I think you can see a bit of this with how John tended to react with anger when he perceived himself as rejected or overlooked (see also: John’s later relationship with George). Rejection, abandonment, and neglect were incredibly sharp tools in John’s world, both in how they were (sometimes unintentionally) used against him, and in how he himself used them when he felt abused and betrayed. 

Then when he’s still an adolescent Julia dies suddenly, and while John did have a positive relationship with her at the time of her death, it would be hard to construe it as an ideal mother-son relationship. And even if you’re past the point of wanting an ideal relationship with your parent, the fact that you didn't have one (and, in John’s case, that he’d never had a truly healthy relationship with any caregiver) will always be a source of grief. 

Not that it isn’t also horrible to lose a parent who’s been good to you (as with Paul), but it’s the difference between the emptiness of losing something wonderful and the emptiness of never having had that wonderful thing in the first place, and knowing now that you never, ever will. Even if the relationship were already dead, a parent’s death is often when you grieve what you could or should have had, and it’s like any grief in that it never completely leaves you. And the schema you build around that emptiness in order to make it survivable is usually very persistent, too. 

That being said, there’s such a thing as corrective experiences, where (usually through therapy) you reshape your experience of the world and by extension your schemas. My point being that trauma isn't fate and things can always get better.

I also think Mimi was one of these people who expresses love through control and criticism (would love to know more about her and Julia and Alfred’s childhoods, but a lot of that seems pretty opaque, which is so bizarrely universal for toxic caregivers – you know they came from somewhere, but you don’t know where, so you’re trying to draw compassion out of thin air and it’s hard). And there’s a lot to be said about how this translated to John’s relationships with women, how he was shaped by two powerful female presences in his early life who likely never made him feel fully loved, while simultaneously reiterating that being unloved is death. There are also multiple relationships with potential male authority figures that probably connected back to a perpetual state of mourning for his relationship with his father. 

I also think he’s probably like pretty much everybody who had a childhood dominated by fear in that he spent his adult life coping with anxiety and depression, and I’m guessing he was someone whose anxiety probably never dropped below about a 6/10. It’s actually kind of consistent that when people with this kind of childhood get into therapy they rate their anxiety based on their experience of the world, which is that you never really feel okay, you just feel better or worse, so they think their anxiety is around a 3-4. And then over time they start to experience moments of true calm and they realize their default state for most of their life was actually being at least somewhat activated, like a 6+, and that’s why it was so hard to think straight or keep their cool or look at things in a reasonable way. People always say you get the worst of someone when shit hits the fan, but the thing is that for some people that’s just what a normal day feels like. I don’t know how true that is for John, but I do think it’s possible, especially in his early life. 

Anyway, this is way too long, but thank you so much for the question!

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hi :) I’m so happy I found your blog!

I have been having trouble recently in recovery (3 months in) around needing to be more restrictive before an event. If I have plans to go to a club or to see friends, I tend to not eat as much as I should that day or even the day before too. If I know I’ll be drinking, my brain is thinking about the calories in the beer and I’m telling myself that I can eat after the event is done, meaning that I “earned the food” if I wait til then.

Yesterday this happened and I was very upset that I still had this trigger because I thought that my recovery was going well.

Do you have any advice as to how someone could overcome needing to restrict before an event?

So the thing about restricting prior to events where there will be lots of food and drinks - in the short term, it may lead to you consuming less, but in the long term, your body remembers what it feels like to have no food. Your body remembers what it feels like when you tell it that it can't have food. And your body remembers what it feels like when you hype yourself up for the point that you can have food, to the point that you're fixating on it. This is why restrictive eating disorders often lead down a path of binge-purge or binge-restrict cycles. You restrict, restrict, restrict until you finally get access to the food and then your body compels you to want more, not because you're enjoying it but because your body and mind have been hardwired to fixate on it. This leads to patterns of inconsistent eating - too little, too much, too little, too much - that further mess up your relationship with food.

However, it's possible that what you need is not this logical explanation for this. Maybe you already know this. It's possible that instead, you just need to take a breath, sit with yourself, and ask yourself why you feel you need to "earn" your calories.

Caloric intake isn't a luxury, but a basic human necessity. It's not something we should have to "work for." And you are no less deserving than any other human being. So you might need to take some time to unpack why you feel like you need to be deprived of food?

Once you have a better understanding of this underlying trigger, you might have a better understanding of what you need to tell yourself in order to work through this trigger when it comes up, and utilize coping strategies around the fear of eating normally on days when you are anticipating events. (Listing coping strategies that work for you might also help, because even knowing that you should eat, actually doing it may be hard, especially when it gets to event time.)

Here are some basic things you can remind yourself when you are leading up to an event:

"I deserve to enjoy my food properly now so that I can enjoy my food properly later."

"Eating steadily throughout the day will help me support my body, and my body is good."

"I am healing my relationship with food today. When I take care of myself today, it's not just for today."

"My body feels consistently good after consistently getting enough food. I deserve to feel good, even if my disorder is telling me that I don't."

During the event, you may have to remind yourself again.

"I deserve to enjoy myself at this event and I do not have to earn this food."

"I am not starving, so I can enjoy this food properly at a pace that feels good to me. I can be present and not fixated on the food only."

If you struggle with eating at the event, or if you do fixate on the food, you can tell yourself, "I am brave and strong for how hard I tried. It's okay that I wasn't able to do it today, even if I feel frustrated about it. I deserve the opportunity to try again next time."

I hope this helps!

[atopvisenyashill]

What are your thoughts on pol!jon? I’m no fan of j/d but pol!jon feels so out of character and cruel that I really can’t see it

Oof okay that’s an interesting question.

I think there's a lot of elements to the political!jon theory that people tend to just conflate into one big theory similar to how the grand northern conspiracy has some parts that are a little galaxy brained and some stuff that makes perfect sense and has a lot of grounding in the text.

So for anyone who is unaware - I know a lot of my oomfs didn't get into the series until after the show stopped airing - the pol!jon theory came from s7 of the show to explain the absolutely inconsistent and stupid decisions jon makes in s7 and s8. The idea was that, basically, like Torrhen Stark before him, Jon Snow bent the knee to Daenerys at Dragonstone not because he actually wants the North to be tied to the Iron Throne again or because he's loyal to Daenerys but rather because he is attempting to manipulate her; when he realizes that she will not come North to save his people but did cross the Wall to save him he makes the decision to seduce her in order to bring her to the North to defend his people.

Now...a lot of people really dislike this theory. They feel it's too cruel of Jon to do, it's OOC, I've even seen some people say that any sex between them is noncon (which...aight), etc etc. I do understand to a certain point why people think it's out of character for Jon to do this but the thing is...he literally has already done something very similar in canon. Look at his relationship with Ygritte:

Two hearts that beat as one. Mance Rayder’s mocking words rang bitter in his head. Jon had seldom felt so confused. I have no choice, he’d told himself the first time, when she slipped beneath his sleeping skins. If I refuse her, she will know me for a turncloak. I am playing the part the Halfhand told me to play. His body had played the part eagerly enough. His lips on hers, his hand sliding under her doeskin shirt to find a breast, his manhood stiffening when she rubbed her mound against it through their clothes. My vows, he’d thought, remembering the weirwood grove where he had said them, the nine great white trees in a circle, the carved red faces watching, listening. But her fingers were undoing his laces and her tongue was in his mouth and her hand slipped inside his smallclothes and brought him out, and he could not see the weirwoods anymore, only her. She bit his neck and he nuzzled hers, burying his nose in her thick red hair. Lucky, he thought, she is lucky, fire-kissed. “Isn’t that good?” she whispered as she guided him inside her. She was sopping wet down there, and no maiden, that was plain, but Jon did not care. His vows, her maidenhood, none of it mattered, only the heat of her, the mouth on his, the finger that pinched at his nipple. “Isn’t that sweet?” she said again. “Not so fast, oh, slow, yes, like that. There now, there now, yes, sweet, sweet. You know nothing, Jon Snow, but I can show you. Harder now. Yessss.” A part, he tried to remind himself afterward. I am playing a part. I had to do it once, to prove I’d abandoned my vows. I had to make her trust me. It need never happen again. He was still a man of the Night’s Watch, and a son of Eddard Stark. He had done what needed to be done, proved what needed to be proven.

Now, I don't think this is rape on either side but it's certainly uncomfortable, dubious consent wise, and not meant to be just a straight romantic scene. Ygritte isn't aware - though she does suspect - that Jon hasn't truly joined their side. Ygritte feels he's holding onto his vows out of stubborn pride or perhaps ignorance; she does not suspect he's actually going to betray them, but she can tell he's clearly conflicted over his desertion. Jon, meanwhile, is only having sex with Ygritte to prove he's a true deserter; he is actively manipulating her by playing on her fondness for him and invoking Wildlings customs like bride stealing when they have sex here.

So the idea that political!Jon is out of character doesn't really work because while Jon is clearly guilt ridden over it, he can and has used sex and romance as a manipulation tactic before. As for it being too cruel, well, let's ask Gilly about Jon's capacity for cruelty then hmm?

“You will make a crow of him.” She wiped at her tears with the back of a small pale hand. “I won’t. I won’t.” Kill the boy, thought Jon. “You will. Else I promise you, the day that they burn Dalla’s boy, yours will die as well.”

Jon is quite capable of cruelty when he wants to be just as surely as he's capable of manipulation. This doesn't mean he doesn't feel guilt or that he doesn't care for the people he manipulates. On the contrary, I think part of why Ygritte continuously echoes in Jon's mind as a sort of mentor figure is because of the guilt he feels for leading Ygritte straight to her death. When Ygritte briefly opens up to him about a past abusive relationship, he doesn't dismiss her at all, and seems to make an effort to otherwise be kind, affectionate, and loving to her. He's just also planning on betraying her because he feels the Wildlings as they are currently organized are too dangerous to just be set free on the unsuspecting North (and he's not wrong - his alliance forces the Wildlings to put down their arms, yes, but it also empowers the Wildlings to come to the negotiation table as equals, as people of Westeros rather than as nameless, faceless barbarians).

So no, I don't really think it's OOC for Jon to realize that the enemy he is facing is too dangerous to deal with as is but if he maneuvers them in such a way that they have to listen to him and negotiate as equals, he can keep his own people safe while in a prime position to deal with the threat if it gets out of control. He is also capable of ruthlessness - the entire battle at the ending of ASOS, killing Qhorin, the baby swap, killing Janos Slynt, etc - and cruelty and sexual manipulation.

I also think - and basically everyone agrees, it's not just me - that their "romance" is written incredibly badly and weirdly. So much so that I think it made sense that people would wonder if Jon has an ulterior motive. I reblogged this gifset to my personal a few years ago and you can really see Jon is just over everything that's happening on Dragonstone, he's incredibly unimpressed with Dany, he refuses to even indulge in her fantasies the way he does with Ygritte (like when Ygritte makes that "oh let's disappear into the caves" comment, Jon is wistful! He brings it up as she's dying to comfort both of them! He doesn't like what he's been doing even though he feels it's necessary!), and I know Kit has never been particularly gifted at emoting but he looks just straight up miserable the entire time he's with Dany.

So...even back in s7, I didn't think Jon was actively plotting to murder Dany but I did think he was manipulating her to get the end goal he wanted (protection for the North) and that there was a high chance he was going to turn on her later when the time was right. It wasn't like he was thinking "alright so once the Long Night is ended, here's my twelve step plan to get Dany off the throne and murder her" but I do think he felt like well, once the Long Night is dealt with, there's still a lot of other problems we have to deal with and who knows what might happen as those problems arise. I never thought he was interested in her long term. Some people seemed to think that was beyond the pale but like, that's literally how he felt about Ygritte - he never considered this a long term relationship even if it was a serious one.

If we get anything like that in the books - Jon seducing Dany to get close to her dragons - I generally imagine it going that once he figures out how to ride one of the dragons, he just makes off with it and leaves her high and dry. Maybe he plays up the "we're the blood of the dragon" angle as a distraction of some sort. But like - is he actively manipulating her specifically to usurp her? No. But is he worried about the North and willing to once again put his sexuality, emotions, honor, and body on the line to protect it? Yeah, I think that was the initial plan when they wrote s7 and if Joner.ys happens, I do imagine it's going to go like that; not actively trying to kill her (anymore than he was actively trying to kill Ygritte) but definitely using her feelings for him to get the goal he's aiming for (protection for the North).

[nobodysdaydreams]

If Pryce and Cutter hate the youths so much, then why don't they move across the universe to get the marriage counseling they clearly need and stop making their BS everyone else's problem?

(Or my reaction to Episodes 59-60 of Wolf359).

I said I would have self control. I said I wouldn’t listen to or react to anymore Wolf359 this whole weekend. But guess what dear readers? As usual, I lied, to you and myself. Sadly, I am weak. Now, with my confession out of the way, let’s get into it!

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom @lovelyladylavie

Episode 59: Crash and Burn

"Oh how fun. Come on kids, scream if you want to go faster." It's trippy that when I hear Pryce talk for a moment I'm like "Hera?" and then I realize. Also she and Cutter really do act like criticizing and mean disappointed parents.

"But just a small fire, and look it's out now!" good point Doug.

"This time you finally killed us" Congrats Doug!

"It's a fire on a spaceship, you shouldn't need explicit instruction to know it's a bad idea" "You don't know the first thing about commanding Douglas F. Eiffel" LET HIM KNOW DOUG!

"Cyborg De Vil" Eiffel really does have the best nicknames.

"I'm just a poor little old lady" Oh, I've met old ladies like you Pryce. Terribly entertaining, but awful all the same. Hated their own children too. At this point, I'm just waiting for your sad little backstory.

"Nobody says "thank you" anymore. Kids these days..." Pryce, maybe when you do something worthy of thanks, then you will be thanked.

"If it seems like I'm wrong, you don't have all the data" Well geez, I hope that pride doesn't kill you.

"Why are you asking us to read the values for you?" OH GET HER MINKOWSKI.

Okay, Pryce, in fairness to Doug, I think we've well established that most characters in this show are "metaphorically blind" in one way or another.

"Blinded by my own survival manual" it's fitting to be honest. The next edition? No, we don't need another edition Miranda.

"Well this should be easy!" Doug...Doug when is it ever easy?

Well gang, it looks like the gang's not getting out of this one this time. I will miss you all. Minkowski and Doug most of all. Kepler and Pryce less so.

Calling Pryce's husband is unfortunately the only plan. Let's see how he feels about wifey being in danger. This is either gonna go one of...potentially a few ways, and I'm very interested to see his reaction.

Will he leave her to die in space? Will he feel bad about that? Will he give up an advantage for her?

Wait. Is this Hera? Oh it's Marcus and Hera. I love the juxtaposition between Doug and Pryce and Marcus and Hera. I guess they both have a common interest. Nothing brings people together quite like it.

Oh gross Rachel's here too.

Skin alive whoever designed the flight's pod system? But this is so arbitrary...if all their enemies had been the ones to get blasted off, Cutter would give the man a promotion. For a guy who only promotes "the best" a lot of this is really just luck.

Wait. GUESTS???

Oh they got Lovelace and Jacobi. Oh dear. At least they can't kill or control Lovelace.

"I can't do much without her" I see. So she is the brain's behind Cutter's little happy murder business operation.

"Part of my signature look" Jacobi's sarcasm is growing on me the more he uses it against the right people.

"Pretty please with sugar on top" OH SO CUTTER DID HEAR JACOBI SAY THAT AND THREATEN TO SHOOT KEPLER. I think those were the exactly words he used too.

And speaking of that episode, we're back to singing about beer! 🍻Jacobi really is (formerly)evil Doug. 😂 They even sing the same song.

Is Pryce threatening to...EAT Doug? Well this is creepy.

Pryce, shut it. If you're so much of a grownup, stop acting like a pouty child.

Geez all Pryce knows how to do is complain. I guess Cutter is into that. For some weird reason. "Do I have to do everything around here." All you do is make trouble.

"You can't afford to take a chance on this" CALL HIM OUT JACOBI! I love his arc, I love his arc so much, it took way too long, but I'm so happy he's gotten here.

Oh dear. Is Jacobi in the right headspace for this? "Prettiest pumpkin princess at the ball?" Well good for Jacobi. Also very similar to the line Pryce gave to Hera. It's scary how much they sound and speak alike.

That is true. It might need to be a self-sacrifice mission. If Jacobi misses, Cutter kills him, and Eiffel and Minkowski don't survive. It's a tough situation, especially because we're not even sure how many lives are at stake here. But Jacobi, the whole point of self-sacrifice is that the people making the sacrifice agree to it, or there's literally no other way.

Yeah, Doug, Pryce is not gonna be reassuring. That's not in her generation's vocabulary.

Uh oh. Jacobi, I hope you know what you're doing.

Oh dear. Marcus seems testy.

And how much longer do we have with Rachel and Reimann? (Yes, I was corrected on the spelling).

"Just get it right this time Marcus" wow she is demanding.

Ah...there it is.

...or not...

...Jacobi?

...DUCK BOY?

Well they got them. But what happens now?

Oh great Marcus' slow clapping. And let me guess, he kills him anyway?

Business to catch up on? Pryce doesn't sound too happy.

And yeah Minkowski, hold her at gunpoint! (Though in my experience, people like her don't fear death, rather they complain it's not coming fast enough), but whatever gives you the upper hand.

Episode 60: Terms and Conditions

What's with the beeping?

"You are alright?" Strange that Rachel asks that. I guess she'd be the one to notice he's quiet.

Ah. The sunset. Very fitting.

Westerns. Cutter probably saw some of them down at the old timey picture show when he was a wee lad.

Yes, yes, "the bigger picture". But what if there is a bigger picture to even your story, Cutter? One that you're not in control over?

Cutter knows what's about to happen. He knows it's time to choose. Work wifey or scary evil plan? What's it gonna be old man?

"Who is it?" 😂 I love Doug. I love him so much.

"We could have a cup of tea" oh gosh Cutter really is every old person stereotype.

"Reflect on the working conditions. Are you fostering a supportive company culture? One that values the contributions of its employees?" Doug is the best. Doug is the best.

"If you ever want to see your worst half ever again" 👏 Tell him. TELL HIM.

So now Cutter has to a choice. He can go Legend of Korra and kick Pryce to the curb, or he can drop his tragic backstory and try to come to an understanding.

"Can you guarantee the safe recover of Dr. Pryce?" "96%" Hm. Cutter doesn't seem happy with those numbers.

Special Projects? "Similar to you while still not you. You will see what you miss and say what you don't want to" interesting. So that's why Cutter keeps Rachel around.

"How possible would it be to complete the mission without Dr. Pryce?"

DANNGGGGGGG... Rachel asking the real questions.

"I don't know what your partnership with Dr. Pryce means" Interesting...so Cutter kept that even closer to his chest.

"Before I decide, I want the information" Cutter is unraveling.

See this is why you shouldn't talk when Cutter can hear them.

"Handle this personally?" Did he just crack his knuckles? Is he going to try to fight them? 😂

Neat idea? Is Cutter gonna make his own radio show?

Kepler and Lovelace are speaking for them? This is weird. And unnecessary unless some other mischief is a foot.

CUTTER IS MAKING HER DO THE "MM-HM" 😂😂😂

Kepler reading out Eiffel's words too 😂

Cutter's promises are stupid. And taking the collar off Hera doesn't mean that Pryce can't do something else terrible.

"Those are big promises" That's basic human decency.

"That's one thing. I'm giving you three. What else?"

Kepler and Pryce are two people. I love how it clearly shows Cutter views Kepler, who he's having Lovelace talk to, a disposable.

"You wouldn't lift a finger to help anyone if you didn't need them for something." CALL HIM OUT. CALL HIM OUT. 👏👏👏

"With all due respect to you Warren, that Dr. Pryce's return is worth two of your demands" wow, Cutter just went there didn't he?

"We won't annoy you" "I'm not sure you can promise that" "First off this is...this is your boy, Douggie Fresh at the mic" 😂 I knew it was Doug when he said the "won't annoy you" thing, but having him use Kepler like this is amazing. "Gumming up the works" I love Eiffel. I love his whole speech.

Is Cutter making her slow clap? Cutter and Eiffel really are a theatrical duo.

Reject your terms? Taking advantage of you guys? You should be asking for way more. That's very true. They should ask for way more. They really should. But um...what is Cutter doing???

Ugh. It's like Cutter is still trying to teach them a lesson. Like an evil twisted mentorship figure.

I have a bad feeling about it too.

"You two crazy kids still there?" Shut up Cutter (no offense Isabel).

Cutter is gonna destroy the sol when it leaves. He has a plan to do so.

"No catch" THERE IS ALWAYS A CATCH.

"Talk to us baby" Aw, I'm so happy Hera loves it. 💕🥰

"Tell us who you are and what you're doing up here?"

YES! THE TRUTH AT LAST.

Ah, Doug has figured it out. Cutter is just ecstatic.

"Super old, look like you're 28, no need to sleep or eat, know everything, obsessed with aliens..." Oh Doug thinks they are aliens.

Not a bad theory Doug, but I feel like you're not correct.

I feel like they're about to say something like "no silly Doug. We're not aliens. Don't be an idiot. That would be over the top and ridiculous. We're obviously cyborgs from the past and future who have travels here to enslave all of humanity and rewrite the course of human history. Which is SO much more reasonable."

Also given that Lovelace WAS an alien, it's not that crazy of a guess. They're being a little unfairly mean to him right now.

Modified???? Wait, no, no deal, what does modified mean? Explain that first please, explain it now.

Send Kepler first. Cutter doesn't care about him.

"You want to stay with us" "No Boy" oh dear. Looks like they're in the middle of a little marriage spat. "You'll never be rid of me 214" I knew it, Pryce has a thing for keeping Hera under control.

Yeah, what did Jacobi do? Hopefully that alien blood works quick.

OH WHAT IS THE TEA THE BOOMERS ARE FIGHTINGGGGG!!!!

"Better to be lucky than good" something tells me you won't be for long, Miranda.

Rachel is going with them? Um. It doesn't sound like either of them like that. "Fill you in on the details" that's obviously code for something. I don't like how fast Rachel agreed to that.

Oh dear. Trouble in paradise it would seem. Worried about wifey, Marcus? "Be quiet. I was worried." "For me?" "I was." "You're not immortal" "yet" "of course, I was worried for you."

"Your only task is to back my play" wow. They really ARE a toxic married couple from the early 1900s. I guess Cutter couldn't stand the thought of losing his precious cold detached mean evil science early 1900's house/work wife.

"Friends?" "Partners." Hm.

This relationship fascinates me. Miranda shows him hardly any respect or gratitude. Yet Cutter seems to care about her in a...weirdly toxic way. Though I do wonder if Miranda feels the same.

Very true something has to be wrong here. Cutter wouldn't let them leave unless...

Wait. Unless it was irrelevant to his plans. Unless them getting back to Earth didn't matter.

"That's not why you're not gonna leave" ...um Rachel. What are you talking about? Please fill us in on the plan.

Oh Kepler's here too.

THE END OF THE WORLD?????

Wait...oh my gosh...

So...there will be no Earth to return to? And all the people on it?

ARE PRYCE AND CUTTER TRYING TO MAKE A DEAL WITH THE ALIENS???

Well I did say in a private discord chat that it was odd that they mentioned Minkowski’s husband and Doug’s daughter only to never bring up threatening their lives again. I guess they really saved that one in their back pockets for the grand finale.

Kepler, how much longer are you going to go along with this? If they destroy the Earth, everything on it goes too, including your beloved Whiskey.

Rachel, idk how much longer you think Cutter is gonna keep you around, but he clearly only cares about his evil science arm candy, and that's not you or Reimann. He'll toss you both under the bus when he's done.

Cutter, wifey seems a bit unstable, and Pryce, your man seems to not be valuing you as an equal, and as much as I dislike you, I'm still not cool with that on principle. Perhaps the two of you ought to see to some marriage counseling, somewhere...oh I don't know...far far far far far away on the other side of the universe? Where you two can finally stop having to deal with those pesky youths you claim to hate so much?

Well at least the thing about Cutter naming the AI and putting on a charming appearance and Pryce hating it and acting so cold towards them makes so much sense now. Cutter wants to play house. House where he casts himself in the role of a toxic, stereotypical, controlling, abusive, and terrible father, with a flimsy "I care so deeply" facade and horrible taste in women, but house all the same. I guess it makes sense given when he was born. Pryce views the AI and their employees as things, Cutter views them as their children or rather their "creations" but at the end of the day, their views amount to the same thing: tools from which they demand unquestioning obedience that they can cast aside if and when they chose to do so. Absolutely disgusting.

Wait. 2 hours?

THE LAST EPISODE IS TWO FULL HOURS.

And Volte Face is one hour. But then...when will I have the time to...

oh boy. Stay tuned everyone. Hopefully I'll get my answers soon. Thanks for reading!

[caelumsnuff]

What keeps you here (listening to Redacted, slightly engaging with fandom, writing for it)? I don’t mean that in the annoying ‘omg why are you here if you’re gonna complain’ way. As I think it’s heathy for a fandom to discuss what could be better about their fandom space and what works and doesn’t work for them in the media they’re consuming (and even as someone who enjoys 99% of this place, this fandom’s ‘don’t even say that you don’t like a thing’ is unlike any fandom I’ve ever been in, big or small).

I’m asking ‘cause I’ve been listening to Redacted since 2021 and it became a fixation, but recently I feel it fading a lot (I don’t find the narratives as compelling anymore with Quinn and Avior being the recent ones, HBS was just okay even tho nothing quality wise changed to me, even my enjoyment of the podcast has waned (and I listen to a ton of podcasts of all types so that should have been the one thing that stayed lol, but they are inconsistent then come back and talk about Pokémon Go only for 70% of the episode every episode lol so I think that’s what’s not helping).

So what brought you here and what keeps you here now? What do you think will keep you engaging with his work? What do you think will (or could be) what makes you step away (whether abruptly or gradually)? (Sorry for all the questions. I’m curious. Hope you have a lovely day!)

Thank you for the ask! I know this is long and a little word soupy perhaps, but i hope you can glean some coherent meaning from it.

Under the cut bc long.

I've been here since very very very early in the channel. Like...... 2020 early. I was getting back into listening to rp asmr after having a small interest in it a few years earlier, and i came across redacted, a lil baby VA. Redacted had some unique qualities in the rp asmr scene, and if we're being honest he still does.

My brain kinda decided to hyperfixate on Redacted, i think because he had plot heavy audios and that wasnt super common in this genre of rp. And in the beginning, the plots were actually decently good in terms of writing and whatnot.

At some point along the way, that fixation became something of a special interest eventually. Probably sometime around early 2022 when i decided to join the discord to finally see some fanart and maybe make friends with people in this fandom. That kinda sent me down the rabbit hole of realizing "oh shit yeah these people have wildly different interpretations of these audios", which started to irritate me in regards to a certain magical therapist and i ended up writing a fanfic about it after being afraid to write for literally most of my life. I got very mixed responses, but some people were really kind and expressed gratitude for my writing and that made me actually want to be a part of this fandom, even if i stay in my own little corner. After that point i started to engage with the content far more critically, and decided that i care about his videos too much to not talk about them and critique them.

I can't really tell you why i stay here, not exactly at least. I think plot-wise the videos have declined in quality greatly, which i started paying attention to. I have been known to enjoy bad media. Like a lot. I watched all of Voltron, all of Vampire Diaries, 13/15 seasons of Supernatural, the Twilight movies, and i fucking enjoyed them. Im just a fan of shit media. Its really fun to critique as well! But like..... I don't think Erik is an all around shit writer, i think he's really good at some things. Character building (the base of a character at least), universe building (for the most part), and the line writing is really good actually, i enjoy them. And i think that he's decent when writing darker content and plotlines, look at the Adam plotline, the Ivan plotline, Imperium AU etc. So i guess the answer is i enjoy critically engaging with it and actively critiquing the art, as well as being attached to the characters and the universe. I have kinda yoinked the characters and they are now my little barbie dolls to play with.

Tbh i ignore most of the fandom bc i just..... simply do not care what people i dont know think about me. I think that majority of this fandom has demonstrated not just a lack of critical thinking skills, comprehension of fandom etiquette, and media comprehension skills, but also a lack of basic human decency and kindness. I do not care what people like that think of me. I know who i am, my loved ones know who i am, and im not gonna let children on the internet stop me from making the art i enjoy.

I take breaks from listening to videos every once in a while (like 2 months at the beginning of this year), but i always end up coming back. I guess im curious as to where this all is going, and i really really do want to see this man get better at writing which..... hasnt happened yet but i guess im patient enough to wait lol. I think he hit a new low recently though. I think the Quinn storyline is the first time that the bad writing actually made me like... angry. Like i was MAD, like shaking laughing in my bed mad. It took me an hour to cool down like what the fuck was that man 😭 If i think about it too hard ill get all riled up again.

I.... don't know what would make me step away tbh. Idk what that would take, but i guess it'd have to be worse than the Quinn arc, which is setting a pretty high bar.

So yeah i think i stay here because i love the characters (or the ideas of them), as well as the universe, and i think writing fics for them is really good practice for me. There's also some very sweet people in this fandom who have been nothing but kind and encouraging to me, and i do not want to let these interactions i have with you guys fizzle out just yet. I may not know yall or directly interact with yall a lot, but i really do love you guys in this little corner of the fandom ive carved out.

[ginnsbaker]

OH MY GODDDDDD

Ive been so sick the past few days stuck in bed and just generally dying so imagine my excitement when i saw a new chapter (in my fever ive been very delusional and remembering the date has been the least of my concerns 💀)

BUT THEN IMAGINE MY HORROR WHEN THE SUMMARY HAD THE DREADED A WORD

ANGST 😭

no but in all seriousness the chapter was perfect first thing i wanna say mama reader is awesome her advice is so good and i love her i want one but her advice is gonna bite readers ass so hard cos like she said you’ve made your choice and im getting the impression reader’s decision is give it a chance but with Danny opening his big mouth its gonna make leigh unhappy so basically roles reversed 💀(i know ive been wanting him to and i’ll come back to this)

I liked the interaction with jules and leigh they’re not always on the same side but they’re still siblings who obviously care a lot for each other so it was cute especially jules remembering leighs comfort snack - i wonder if later for whatever reason leigh is sad or something and reader brings it to her and it just gets to her a bit that reader took the timt to learn the little things about her 🤔

I thought that reader knew leigh worked at the advice column cos originally i was like how are you this mad you knew she worked there and your submissions are very specific so it was obvious and easy to figure out so why you so mad but im guessing i just misunderstood (which in my current state seems about right) i do like how reader called leigh out on her hot and cold tho and while i do understand her reasons and okay maybe it tugged on my heartstrings just a little bit she did need to hear it not to hurt or upset her but so she can grow from it

HOWEVER can the two of you just call it even you both kept something from the other so call it a tie and start fresh cos you both want each other so kiss and make up cos when danny starts running his mouth i know miss shaw is gonna be mad a small deluded part of me is like maybe she will see the fact that it wasn’t readers thing to tell cos danny should’ve come clean about it but in those moments anger comes much quicker than any rational thought and especially after reader got mad at her for her secret if i was leigh i would get mad too (slight double standards) EVEN THO I WOULD NEVER BE IN THIS SITUATION COS I WOULDVE TOLD DANNY TO FUCK HIMSELF WHEN HE ASKED READER TO KEEP QUIET and i know i said i want danny to come clean but i didn’t mean like this 😭 not when reader was about to make things better (im assuming thats the decision they came to) its literally gonna be reader being all happy and excited and leigh pissed complete role reversal of the fight they just had and im scared

Also i was so worried danny was gonna hit her i was reader to beat his ass

I love your brain for coming up with this stuff but it hurts hopefully not forever tho (i swear im gonna need to reread your other more fluffy stuff to cope)

-🧃

Hello!!!

Actually, on that bit about Leigh working at the website part-time... Reader didn't know about that, just that Leigh used to work at the Beautiful Beast and then quit recently for another job.

Yeah, at first R was upset because Leigh pretended not to know about her feelings for her, but then that fact highlighted Leigh's treatment of her looking back. So she's more pissed about that, the inconsistencies, the hot and cold treatment.. but at the same time, she also remembers now what she went through herself losing her dad and brother. So R's mom encouraged R to extend her patience and understanding.

Yeah, Danny used the secret for his own benefit--again. I mean, he needs to do a lot of growing up, I guess. Or, I don't know. People do stupid stuff when they're heartbroken.

The second season of Sorry for Your loss kinda ended their relationship when Danny punched a wall :) So I kinda borrowed that scene :)

Whew! That was long, and I'm not complaining :D I love discussing the story with you as always :P Thanks for reading my dear!

[only-lonely-lovers]

09.03.2022

notes: bath times again!

Bird is あ / Avvy is つ

あ：suppose the boys died in 1969… so their house would've had something predating this. but its just interesting to have markers i also assume having a bougie house just means it would be less likely to be a convenient modern solution?

つ：its true, i wonder… i HOPE they have a sexy wooden bathroom with the cedar tub mmmm really baste together smell so good

あ：That is what i hope it feels like it'd be so appropriate…

つ：something this sexy……

あ：I want to think the western aesthetics just arent that available yet beyond more easy-to-acquire furniture like tables

つ：hot…. envision

あ：we're getting lamps to look like an english house and couches but not like renovating whole rooms God i want it 5 yo boys enjoying they tub time

つ：if a bath tub was would i would want to chew on its edge i already like to put my mouth on the edges

あ：Leaving indentations with your fangus

つ：when i am gone. then you will

あ：😭

つ：touch my little indentations. you shoudl not have yelled at me for doing it

あ：Why did i. ruin our precious few shared bath times Sadly puts my mouth over it

つ：your teeth sink into the indents perfectly as we are twins

あ：Starts crying

つ：and…. scene

あ：Start a new scene. bring my brother back. please

つ：ok. ok. I will come back

あ：Get in the tub with me N Now

つ：RUNS

あ：This translates to amane being like. insistent and tugging on tsukasa's shirt we just had dinner i want a nice warm bath!!!

つ：okay. I'm home and you're fretting about how its probably been a while… since i had a nice cleam. mom is also fretful about it all godknows where i've been siome have called it hell…

あ：Me thinking you were like lost in the woods living under a stump Trapped in a cave somewhere

つ：in a stranger's house at BEST 4 towns over somehow

あ：… I really do like imagining like, having a competition with mom over fretting, like, no, IM… help… nyuhh… I've got this

つ：and maybe mom lets you. because you are best friends and she knows you missed him and had no comprehension or brain to cope with any of it

you are filling the big deep tub… mom is nearby but letting you do what you want. admiring how responsible and sweet you are… I too am admiring this… you think a thought and go to run to get toys. but then you flinch-- turning back to me a foot away -- and grab my hand and take me with you to the toyroom to grab a few things for us to have. i must have missed toys while i was gone… OUR toys

I didn't, because I had all manner of toys, but you don't know this, and, I watch you gather them rather than the toys i look at your hand in mine, how you didn't leave the bathroom without me

あ：The thought really descends onto me. Toys, toys of course… I haven't really been touching them myself… Well, it's inconsistent, really, sometimes I need to remember what we played together, I need to think about how we'll get to again… but most days, it was too hard to even look at them. Too painful, too listless on my own, can't think of games for only myself. It felt so impossible to think about. Heart is beating with anxious excitement now, at all the things we can do again together, runs through the mind like a neverending list. So many things…

All that moping… it's behind me… US… We have so much to do…! Squeeze your hand.

つ：its interesting… to think about toys with someone else. I won't have to talk for them

seeing you move them in your hands is startling. wow. its like magic. to see anything move that I'm not touching myself

you'll drag me back to the bathroom. when i run with armfuls of toys, i drop them the whole way until only half are left in my arms by the time i get to the bathroom you don't drop any

あ：[playfully wiggles one in your face]

つ：yytruuuuuu aaaoo looks like youre performing a magic trick i think how easily agog i am makes you both feel successful, and also, sad

あ：It's so easy isn't it, it always is… You're too quickly bright-eyed and hypnotized seeming. I have to worry about you. Ah, your nature… [pets.]

つ：did i have so little going on while lost, that a toy in my face is amazing? makes you cringe

あ：Determined to make up for every second… The hot water will help!!

つ：we'll help each other rinse off int he shower first… you dump the toys into the tub, but move to the nozzle… maybe, make me sit down on the lil stool

あ：Must be responsible It's better for me to be the one to fiddle with this stuff though, i'd rather you just sit ahmm… maybe a moment where i'm surprised to be emotional seeing your hair wet… it's just the feeling of seeing something familiar again, after so long stare…

つ：waterlogged. it feels weird-- I haven't thought about, any of this, stuff. wasn't necessary. it feels weird. watching water droplets sink down my skin, feel them. warm… hot! .a…. giggle

あ：[stare.]

つ：IT'S SO HOT…!! ATSUI

holds paws in front of mouth to laugh. collects water in my palms then throws it up over us both, getting you wet a lil its amazing to watch it pool in my hands!!!

あ：A bit dumbfounded, lagging. My turn, I guess, to feel easily hypnotized…. tilts head

つ：TILTS HEAD BACK OPENS MOUTH FILLS MOUTH WITH WATER

あ：Ouh

つ：GURGLES

あ：ME TOO i do it too

つ：spews it out like fountain

we get into a loop of filling our moufs and spitting it out because you are doing it too i do not want to stop

あ：it's nice to have some mindless fun, easy fun… i'm eager to think less. would rather be physical shakes head all around like a doggie

つ：gawksssssss

あ：For the most part… I can't be-!! so embarrassed, about seeming silly….

つ：I'm like. bath now? and you are like. Y--- NO wait we didnt wash you at ALL….. there was no soap we got distracted. i forgot that components of washing are

あ：Scrubby scrubby now… serious [stern] [plants a hand on you]

つ：get into that hair. get that back. be so scrubby. it tickles and im wiggle a lot and make it hard

あ：mutter mutter…. but hold my tongue. no, I can be good big brother… I won't complain. [just really keeping a hand at your back/shoulder]

[rokkazu]

Are you proship/comship? (Asking because your username is eagledile and hawkodile and eagleator are foster brothers. I'm not judging, I'm profic myself, just curious.)

Hey there anon! bit of a loaded question you got there! I'm honestly not sure if this is bait to get me to admit to being "problematic" or a genuine question, but i'm feeling nice and explanatory today so i'm gonna break this down for ya. I have a lot of thoughts on everything you just said so... sorry if this post gets really long. (spoiler alert it does)

first of all, the proship thing. i don't really think there's a way to be brief about this without someone twisting my words and making me out to be a literal pedo apologist or something, so i'm just gonna say the pro/anti dichotomy is dumb as hell and does nothing but cause unnecessary confusion. the question of "is fiction depicting things i find gross and unacceptable allowed to exist" is just complete fucking nonsense. there isn't one answer to this. i have friends who cope with and process their sexual trauma with things that people consider unacceptable under any circumstances because they can't comprehend that anyone would have a nuanced relationship with the things that hurt them. it is not my business to decide what is and is not allowed, and i choose to judge people based on their own individual situations. if that makes me proship then whatever i don't actually care. just because something can cause harm doesn't mean it has no use or purpose, or that it should be destroyed or hidden away. i am not saying pedophilia or incest is good, actual sexual assault is obviously horrible, i do not like those things even as fictional scenarios personally. I'm just fucking normal and don't judge people before i actually know why they're doing what they do. please for the love of god think with your brain and treat people like people i'm begging you.

(btw this isn't directed at you anon, im not assuming you're going to be weird about this right off the bat. i know some people would though, so i'm being clear just in case.)

OKAY now that's out of the way we can get to the fun part, character analysis of an inconsistently written kids cartoon for 8 year olds! I do not think eagleator and hawkodile are brothers. i straight up just don't buy it. that may sound confusing at first but let me lay it out for you in excruciating detail because autism. okay so, i've been in this fandom since like mid 2020? so i don't have ALL the context but i do have a good amount. i was around when the concept of them being adoptive brothers was first spread around. and yes, this is not an old concept. literally NOBODY thought this before like, mid 2021. so what happened? Imagine you're scrolling through the #unikitty! tag. It's a slow day in mid-late 2021, not much going on. you notice a post from someone listing off a few of their favorite ships, and one of the ones they mention is eagleator/hawkodile. You're me in this scenario, so you're naturally interested in someone mentioning your rather niche favorite ship, so you read through, maybe you notice there's a couple comments on this post, so you check them out to see what's up.

This is what you see. If you're not familiar, this is the tumblr account of Careen Ingle, one of the directors of the show. She's known for being one of the crew members who interacts a lot with the fandom, answering questions about certain things, usually on Twitter. Now, as far as i'm aware, i was one of the first people to notice this. At first, this really confused me, because like, while the ship wasn't common it also definitely wasn't unheard of? people have very much watched The New Nemesis and immediately posted "so that was kind of really gay right? it's not just me?" no one really took it that seriously, but it was definitely A Thing. Why would she say something about his now, nearly a year after the show had ended? why not say something earlier? To be honest with you, i still don't know. I don't know why she said this. She has never, ever elaborated on this, and no one even asked. About the only thing i heard of this was people either posting this exact screenshot or referencing it, appended with something like "if you still ship them after this block me and never speak to me again." This still baffles me to this day. There was no confusion, no push-back, anyone who thought this was even remotely questionable seemed to just disappear from any discussion of it. it was a complete echo-chamber of "this isn't okay anymore because Careen Said So" and then radio silence on the topic ever since.

Now, if you're not very familiar with the show itself, this might not seem that strange to you. but, and maybe this is just my perspective.. there is no indication of this in the actual text of the show itself. Absolutely none. In fact, i would argue some episodes actually contradict this idea! At best, what i get from the few episodes that actually touch on their relationship is that them being brothers would be a perfectly fine viewer interpretation, something to headcanon maybe, but absolutely not set in stone or obviously spelled out for you.

Seriously, if you don't believe me, go watch every episode that's relevant to this. there's like, 3 of them. That's just over half an hour of runtime. Here's a list, actually: S1E3 "Action Forest"

The first episode that establishes Hawkodile and Eagleator's relationship. Notice how they refer to eachother as "bro"(as in the non-literal slang term for a close friend, i assume), but never once a full, played-straight "brother", even when hawkodile is doing his dramatic backstory spiel. Also the song that plays when they hug is reused in a scene with master frown and brock in Beach Daze, who are like no-question canonically gay. Hmmm.

S2E12 "Hawkodile Sensei"

Eagleator isn't in this one, and some of the flashback scenes straight up contradict things that happen in Action Forest's flashback scenes (i personally choose to interpret this as hawkodile just being a very unreliable narrator for my own sanity) but the main relevant takeaway here is the fact that when hawkodile is basically emulating the way Sensai Falcomodo taught him, Unikitty makes a comment about him "[...]going to be a great dad", which Hawkodile immediately rejects by saying "i'm not gonna be their dad, i'm gonna be their sensei!" which.. seems to imply that Hawkodile very much does not see Falcomodo as a parental figure, just a mentor/teacher, that those two things are completely different to him. Kinda throws a wrench in the whole "foster brothers" thing, don't it?

S3E14 "The New Nemesis"

Okay, i really need to skim over this one because this post is already getting obnoxiously long, and to be honest this is the one episode i could pick apart for hours. Just.. just watch it. This episode is pretty much half the reason anyone ships them in the first place, and i'm still wondering how one of the directors can whole-heartedly believe that these two characters shouldn't be shipped when this whole episode is... the way that it is. i could genuinely make an entire post just about this episode if anyone even wants to see that.

So yeah, in conclusion, not pro or anti ship but a secret third thing called thinking with my brain. if you use either of those labels i'm ignoring it and asking you what you actually fucking mean by that. i ship eagledile because, from my perspective, there is now way anyone could have known they were "supposed to be brothers" from the content of the show itself, and i'm not going to change my whole view of these character's relationship just because someone on the team said so, somewhat rudely, in the comments of a post made by someone who didn't even fucking ask, and failed to give any reason or evidence for why i should even believe that. Death of the author and all that. Hope this clears things up!

[airin-lavellan]

my brain agonizes me every day about latching onto rezaren and here's the thing. here's the thing I dislike most about how he was written: he was an inconsistent and rushed character. the inconsistency was the worst part and I could go on forever.

he starts as the morally questionable guy right? the show leads you to believe he's grey in morality- willing to fight a spirit for what he believes is right, manipulative but still caring. the first major hint of the backstory/flashbacks we see is rezaren crying. crying asking what miriam has done in the bloody scene. and that hits like a "holy shit there's more to it

then they open up with the brother/sister thing when they finally meet. still incredibly interesting- a villain who platonically loves the mc? who cares about them but in the wrong way and does the wrong things because of it but overarchingly loves them? amazing.

then in episode four, they build it up. the flashbacks point to rezaren having an idealistic idea of their past and miriam being rightfully very angry. we see it from his eyes, them laughing and playing together. then we see what rezaren ignored. he deflects this by saying he was a child and couldn't protect them- a fair point if we infer his mother was abusive towards, which we can infer from the harrowing "no ammosine has failed" part. he could apologize. he does not. miriam brings up the harrowing as her trump card- extremely strange to me in terms of narration because it portrays rezaren in a...not bad light? his mom is the aggressor, he's just shown as younger and weak and helpless. it doesn't match the buildup

there is a very clear snapping point where redemption is no longer an option for him: when he loses his temper at miriam. the switch is jarring, very jarring, at first, but it's okay. it would have been preferred if he was redeemed but it's not necessary, he could still be an amazing pure evil character.

...and then he's not. he goes far too quickly into too much evil- they set him up for a descent to madness and then go from one scene of "i won't use blood magic tassia don't worry" to "watch me publicly kill this guy on my own team".

when his character is really messed up is the finale. when he decides to go super sayan racist mode and be like "i'm going to enslave you bitch kys" but is STILL TRYING TO RESURRECT NEB. perhaps he's delusional but they don't explain that!! if he's angry with miriam now, if he's fully evil now, his character motivation is gone. it cannot be "i want to resurrect my 'brother' and have a happy family again" because if he's going to turn on miriam in this way he should have no reason to keep trying with the circulum.

the show had so many places it could have solidified him as a villain- a true villain like he was supposed to look like at the end. they could have, say, shown him mistreating miriam or slaves. or shown him owning slaves. because we don't have any idea if the slaves in the summer palace are his- and they're probably not because he doesn't even live in that city. the palace is in Nessum, and he explicitly tells Tassia "don't worry queen i can't keep doing evil blood magic study because soon I have to go back to Minrathous".

they could have made him a descent into madness character- which is totally thrown off by the whole "hey don't get too deep into blood magic" "*kills people*" swapup. so now people can basically paint things however they want- because a lot of the "proof" for him being a certain way is inferences. justified, reasonable inferences, but inferences nevertheless and the show is just badly paced. and so we have people differing from "if you like rezaren you're a slaver" to "actually his enslavement was good and miriam is the real villian" and it's just. aagg. they were all good and bad characters!! liking a fictional character does not mean you agree with them. agony agony agony. anyways sorry for my 9 paragraph essay in your ask box but I am Tormented By Thots and your rezaren post reminded me of the queercoded little man who would call me slurs if I ever breathed the same air as him (he has 55 limp wrists and two arms. and it's no coincidence the show censored the only heterosexual kiss him and tassia have to be fruity at least just a bit)

Wow first of all thank you for taking the time to read my post and giving me your insights. I was fully viewing this in terms of what we see in the show but reading this, I must say a lot of aspects of how he was written also came into play. I loved the show and it's characters and I think it's biggest flaw is it's length since a lot of things had to be rushed and couldn't get explored on a deeper level.

He is definitely presented as a rather grey character and I think it's thanks to all of these sudden shifts that the fandom is very divided, since we didn't get to explore more about him and his other motivations or actions in the past we can merely judge him by what we see, and only what we are shown. From the start he did seem a bit manipulative, hiding true intentions behind the so called kindness, yet as the show progressed I couldn't help rooting for him, like you said: the harrowing scene doesn't show him in a bad light. He was completely helpless and in danger himself, the choice to use Neb was his mother's and I do believe she was also abusive to him. Sure not in the same way as Miriam got abused but you can see how fearful he was. When they were kids he was taught that slavery was normal and okay, yet we see an adult that wants to change that, he recognizes his mistakes.

The snapping did feel rushed and out of nowhere, and you're right. I hadn't noticed how conflicted his motivations are during the show. Perhaps it is indeed flawed writing but I think if we can find a logical explanation, it would point to the circulum itself. Tassia openly says that the thing is changing Rezaren, and she has known him for a while. Again, we haven't seen anything else from his past so nothing we can really base ourselves on. He seems to know blood magic and as far as we know he was always in control using it. Why did it change now? I blame the circulum, mixed of course with his desires being frustrated. Miriam was algo blinded by rage, both were equally stubborn and wanted to do something yet they sought a different purpose with different means and I can love and appreciate both. I just indeed dislike the discussion about Rezaren being a slaver, because imo he definitely isn't.

[wettestwraith]

lmfao ofc you don't care about dream being a groomer. ur proshipper ass is into that type of shit LOOOL

In what world do you think I approve of grooming? and like i said, when the rumours first emerged I immediately believed the victims but I still did some digging and found that the story didn't exactly hold up the allegations and the proof had a lot of inconsistencies, there has been a lot of essays made on this matter already so my ADHD brain doesn't want to make one on this scandal. This is kind of why the scandal didn't really take off, it just wasn't substantial enough.

Secondly, while I am proship friendly, I'm not a proshipper myself, actually I'm not even that much of a shipper. I was an anti for a while too because I found those kinds of ships disgusting, but when I saw the treatment that antis had towards proshippers, I didn't want to align with them anymore. Especially when AO3 had that whole Tiffany G thing going on. A lot of proshippers actually know that their content isn't morally right, they know that in real life that sorts of things wouldn't be okay. While sure content containing problematic shit can desensitize people and even make them unempathetic when those sorts of things happen in real life, that doesn't mean that kind of content should be forbidden or banned or whatever.

I'm not in the mood to educate you in this matter because quite frankly I see anons like you are afraid of being corrected and I don't want to entertain people like you any longer, so you can go to @/spite-and-waffles and see the posts they made and reblogged about proshipping and how antis are actually more fucking annoying and problematic than proshippers bc antis actually put more content that I am uncomfortable with on my dash than proshippers do bc antis don't know and don't want to know how to filter their feed while a lot of proshippers actually try and make sure their content isn't easy to come by

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Pine ~ B.A.

A/n: Hello! So I decided to help myself out with some bad mojo and to vent it in a little fic that is about to be so sad... but with a happy ending because where’s the catharsis without that am I right? Anyway, I messed with the timeline a bit so that Barry didn’t tell Iris that he was in love with her until he went back and redid the day, the first time he time travels? Because I love drama actually haha <3 Enjoy!

Word Count: 7600+

MASTERLIST

"Stop."

"What?"

"I said STOP."

"Whoa, whoa, okay. Are you... are you okay?"

"I- I'm fine. I just- I don't want to hear anymore about Iris okay, Barry?"

"Okay... Did I do something wrong?"

"No. You do everything right so consistently. That's the problem isn't it? Even when you mess up you're absolutely perfect. And then you come around and you smile and hug me and you almost die and I almost lose my mind and you-" Sudden silence. The kind that spoke more volumes than words ever could. "Barry I... Is it selfish that you've been asking me for advice on Iris and all my stupid brain could come up with is that I just don't want you to tell her how you feel? I want you to... to... Nevermind."

"Wait- no, I- Y/n wait!"

It was so weird. Knowing that he was stuck in the middle of a love triangle, when neither of the other people knew it was going on. I mean, Y/n knew that Barry liked Iris, but about Iris liking Barry back? Nope. And Iris was completely unaware of anyone's feelings - even her own. Barry hadn't taken the time to clue Y/n in on how his feelings for Barry had recently been learned of. He definitely didn't know that Barry knew because Y/n had practically said it out loud, because to Y/n... he hadn’t.

He'd tried to ignore it. He and Y/n had been close friends ever since Barry had joined the CCPD. Y/n was three years younger than Barry, but had been working there longer as a sort of archivist. He'd dropped out of high school his sophomore year and had pulled through on a favor for a cop he knew. The cop that would eventually become the precinct's very own David Singh. In return, the now Director Singh had pulled a few favors when Y/n had ended up homeless and without anywhere to go or any skills to speak for. He was a little spacey sometimes when it came to names or faces or where he'd put small things like office appliances and his phone. He'd lost his glasses millions of times, and had even forgot meetings and dates. In the end though, he was absolutely perfect at filing. He seemed to be fixated on the cases he organized - especially cold ones. He spent all his free time during hours reading and even memorizing them. So much so that he doubled as a perfect person to go to advice for when a cop wanted to see if there were similar cases, or some advice on mistakes they should avoid, or even if they weren't totally sure if they'd heard a name before but had a feeling. A quick talk with Y/n and any questions about old cases could be answered in a few minutes. The rare times he didn't know it off the top of his head, he could find the answer quicker than anyone else.

Unfortunately, he was still seen widely as an irresponsible nerd with too much free time. The same as Barry. And in the way that Y/n was forgetful, Barry was always late. People often rolled their eyes at the pair and heavily sighed when yet again one of them had failed to deliver on something important. The boys both came through in the end every time, but the similarities between them and the way people usually treated them had driven them together pretty quickly. Between all the times Barry had almost missed a chance to do his job because he was late, and Y/n had misplaced an important item or forgotten a meeting left them on the same side of the CCPD, known mostly as being useful but inconsistent.

It had grown into more. I mean, Y/n was the only one who had taken Barry's word when he talked about his mom's murder, and Barry always listened when Y/n went off about his secret obsession: super heroes. Lots of names that Barry was familiar with, and some he wasn't. The two talked theories, and when things got hard or boring or Barry just needed a breath of fresh air, he always went to Y/n. In fact, Y/n was the only one that Barry had felt comfortable enough with to actually admit his feelings for Iris out loud.

Sure, things had gotten complicated when the particle accelerator had gone off. Things had gotten rocky and they'd almost stopped being friends for a few months, but then a villain - Creature - had popped out of no where. It hadn't taken long to realize that Creature was doing more good than bad, even if he was a little extreme. Sort of... the Hood style. In fact, exactly like the Hood. Like Oliver Queen.

It hadn't taken much work to dig out that Creature was actually Y/n. That when Barry had become the Flash, Y/n had been effected in his own way. When they'd found out about each others' identities, they'd been stronger and closer than ever. They worked together, and Barry was eventually able to teach Creature a better way to do things. The police still hated Creature, but they'd worked it out perfectly time and time again, and when Joe had gotten involved with Creature as well, he hadn't turned Y/n in.

With all that history and overcoming road bump after twist in the road after dead end, it had seemed so Earth shattering to find out that this entire time, Y/n had been in love with him. It had made him hesitate even more to tell Iris anything. But then right after that, a ginormous tidal wave had almost wiped out Central City and Iris had confessed to Barry about how she loved him and had for years, and... I mean, he'd been dreaming about this nearly his entire life. How could he not chase it? Of course when he went back in time, he'd told Iris only to find out that it had been that situation that had dragged all of it out of her to begin with, and that without it, she didn't know her feelings were there - let alone did she think to act on them.

And now he was here, going slowly insane, because everything was wrong. Caitlyn had come through blowing off his confession as a mix up after affect of the lightning, but Iris kept giving him looks. Like she was... considering it. It was maddening, to know that she loved him back. That those feelings were there and waiting to be seen and realized and acted on, but that she might never know because she was so placated by being his best friend, and so comfortable being in love with Eddie.

At the same time, there was someone who had feelings for him who was aware of it and proud of it. Someone who wanted to fight for Barry... and suddenly Barry realized he might understand Iris far more than he wanted to, because maybe... maybe... But that was too scary to think about. The thought that Iris could be seconds away from seeing how she felt about him, after SO many years of waiting and praying for it to happen, if he moved on now? If he tried with Y/n and it failed the same way it had with Linda. Would he chose Iris? How couldn't he? Loving her like this was apart of him. It was part of his bones. In his DNA.

Wasn't it?

Because sometimes he looked at Y/n, and there was something warm and fuzzy. Something like how he felt about Iris, but a little different too. A little sweeter. A little lighter. Something new and delicious. Something daring him to try and forget it, knowing he would fail. He and Y/n had fought side by side, and Y/n was the one person that Barry had been honest with every single time, no hesitation. The one person he knew he could always fall back on and turn to. Y/n was...

It was too much.

Especially when Y/n tried to be the way they always were, completely unaware that Barry knew what every little thing meant now. Things he'd so willingly ignored before, he couldn't anymore. He couldn't ignore how they made him feel either. How safe Y/n made him feel when he should have been terrified. When he faced danger, Y/n always had his back. When he was confused and stressed, Y/n always lent a listening ear and a helping hand. He was unwaveringly present and ready to do anything and everything he could to help.

Not in the way Barry did for Iris, thinking that eventually something would make her realize some hidden feelings and she would be in love with him and turn to him and be his. No, Y/n did it without expectation. He wasn't bitter when Barry talked about Iris, or hesitant when it came to Linda. He had helped Barry, been his wing man even. There was nothing Y/n expected from him. He had accepted that they'd never be together, and had settled happily in the land of friendship and making sure Barry ended up happy. It was so intoxicating, to have such a pure relationship, and it felt so much better.

Y/n always understood. More than Cisco or Caitlyn or Wells, even. If he was late or missed something, Y/n sincerely forgave him with ease. He covered for him instantly, and he was an amazing liar. Barry was Y/n's first priority, and there was nothing behind it. No need or want, like at the precinct. Nothing like Wells.

Wells.

Okay listen, he KNOWS he shouldn't have done it. He should have done absolutely anything other than depend on Y/n's endless willingness to give in to everything and anything Barry needed, but when they had suspected Wells and things had started to quickly get worse and worse until Eddie went missing... Barry didn't know who else to turn to.

So here we he was, asking something terrible, and he felt incredibly guilty. "You were always better at finding things than I was. Figuring things out. People, I mean. That's your forte. You see people so clearly and easily. Could you figure this out? Find him?"

Y/n looked confused - rightfully so. "We're all looking for Wells, Barry."

"I know, but... I mean, your powers. You've never been allowed to touch Wells, and we realized today that it's because you'd get his powers right? You'd have known he was the Reverse Flash." Y/n nodded, listening carefully as he always did. Barry felt even more terrible continuing, knowing that Y/n was about to agree immediately. "But that night, before he came in to face Cisco and the others... I mean you touched him, didn't you?" Y/n nodded. "So you have his powers."

That one made Y/n hesitate. "Not exactly. I've tried to use his speed before, but... it hurts. It takes a lot out of him, and not just in the way that you get dizzy if you don't eat enough. Like... it aches. My body gets sore and it kind of burns and my legs give out after a very short time. I think he's showing off, trying to be strong. But he's really not. He probably falls back on the wheelchair thing to let his speed recharge for MONTHS before he uses it again, and even then it probably gives out on him sometimes."

Barry's eyes went wide. "Isn't that... how he got here? I mean, he sped into the past. From the future, like when I went back a day."

Another nod. "I figure that's probably why he's going after you. You're the only one with a proper connection with the... Speed Force is what he called it. Whatever it is that allows you guys to time travel. He probably has some plan to steal or duplicate your powers on some level. Sap that energy out of you and use it to rejuvenate his own power so he can go back home."

Barry looked stunned. "You've kept that tucked away in your head this entire time?"

Y/n blinked, a blank look in his eyes. And then he seemed to suddenly realized - "I forgot to tell you." And suddenly there was normal, human Y/n again. A messy archivist just trying to do a good job and making one friend that he pined over for years.

The fondest smile found its way to Barry's face again. He'd missed his scatter brained idiot. His. He very quickly pushed that down and away. "Y/n I have a question for you. Something... Something hard to ask, honestly."

Immediately Y/n perked up, and Barry tried to swallow his rising guilt. Trying not to think about how Y/n had said it painful to use Wells’ powers and memories... "What is it?" And Barry tried not to hate himself at how eager Y/n was to oblige.

-

There was a train coming. Barry was in the way. A gigantic, telepathic gorilla psychically attacked him so intensely he couldn't stand let alone get out of the way. Cisco screamed for him. Caitlyn begged. Then Iris started talking. And something bizarre happened.

Absolutely nothing.

Barry didn't feel lulled or grounded or pulled in by her. Her voice actually made it worse. Made the fear coil around his brain and pull tighter. It was too confusing, and whatever she was trying to do... I mean she'd done it a million times. He'd had panic attacks before. Bad dreams. He'd been nervous or caught in lights or frozen. Iris' voice had always been just what Barry needed to hear. Some encouraging words or a pep talk, or just her babbling - it was something to focus on. Someone who made him feel safe and wonderful because it was Iris and she was so distracting and wonderful that he could ignore anything in order to listen to her say anything. Just to hear her voice.

Not this time.

He would have died if it hadn't been for Y/n.

Barry hadn't realized what was going on. All he knew was that it was going white and he was shaking and it was hard to breathe and something in front of him was sucking and blowing and wild. He wondered for an odd second if this is what it was like to die. Loud and bright and painful. He was afraid for a second for the chaos to go away - because what if that was when the nothing came? The After?

Then it did come. Sort of.

The bright and the loud was gone and he felt something hard against his back and then a voice. Not directed at him, but one that pierced through everything. "Hey. Hi. It's very nice to meet you.” A pause. "I understand. You're a very intelligent being, and these people... they don't understand that do they? They just see a gorilla." Another pause and Barry struggled to breathe. "Hey, it's okay. I totally get it. You can see in my head. I'm not here to hurt you. It's just... see that man there? I'm kind of in love with him, and I- listen I KNOW you're scared but killing people isn't the solution. Well of course most people suck, and these ones aren't much better, I'm just asking as a favor for Wells. See, Wells needs this boy alive. If it's not enough that I love him... Do it for Wells? Please." A long silence, and then a roar. A soft chuckle when the roar is done. "Thank you. I'll cover for you. Go ahead." Then the voice was closer, and suddenly Barry was being... dragged. "Bar? Please GOD wake up."

Barry groaned. The voice was getting louder and the more it talked, the less the pain was. The more the fear lessened. The softer it all got. He was putting together what had happened. That Grodd was calming down, leaving. Wasn't attacking him so much anymore. But... that wasn't what was calming him down, because even without Grodd's help those feelings and images were swimming in Barry's vision. No, what calmed him down was when Y/n moved to him, crouching next to him, and said his name very softly, over and over again, brushing his hair out of his face to soothe him. When had he lost his mask?

"My... m..." He was struggling to speak.

"It's okay Bar," Y/n soothed, shushing him softly. "It's just you and me. Just breathe okay?" And it was so tender. So full of care and love and pure softness that Barry melted. He reached out for Y/n's hand and when he took it, he felt warm tingles start at his fingers and slowly spread to the rest of his body. That warmth methodically overwhelmed and destroyed every bad feeling and harsh memory. It all faded away and Barry lay on the ground, looking up at Y/n with a tired smile.

"Thank you."

Y/n smiled back. "Anytime, Road Runner. You okay?"

"Always," Barry whispered in a voice that was barely a whisper. "Always, with you."

A look of shock and embarrassment crossed Y/n's face as he slowly but surely began to go a deep shade of red. "Fuck Allen, how close did that train get? Do you have head trauma?" He laughed, brushing off the moment, and Barry didn't quite have the words to explain that he'd meant it so deeply that it made him ache to have Y/n turn away from it. "Let's get you back to STAR Labs. We still have work to do." He scooped Barry up. Y/n’s whole body shivered and suddenly Barry was looking at himself. Y/n put Barry down before the pair sped off, shooting across town and back to the lab.

Then it hit Barry. "But you're back. You- aren't you supposed to be-?" He wasn't supposed to be here. He'd promised. It hadn't been fair, but he had.

Y/n's smile turned a little strained. "We'll talk about it when you're better. And safe." And Y/n kept that promise. He waited until they were all okay and accounted for and then he took a deep breath in. "I've been... gone, for the last week. And I didn't tell anyone where I went or why. I asked Barry not to either. Because- because he asked me to do something and I couldn't have distractions."

"You did what?" Caitlyn snapped, turning on Barry. "What in the holy hell could you have asked him to do that required him to completely disappear? We were worried sick!"

“Not being told the truth," Iris mused. "Being lied to. Kept from knowing what's happening. Frustrating isn't it?" Caitlyn immediately backed down. Iris managed a small smile. "Why do I always feel like anytime there's a lie or a secret going around, you two are always in on it?"

"The important thing is that I'm back," Y/n interrupted, and Barry had never been more grateful. Iris went to call him out, but Y/n beat her to it. "I know where Eddie is." Everyone froze and Y/n chuckled, always enjoying being able to stop an argument dead with good news.

"Where is he?" Iris demanded, stepping forward. "Why did you come back without him? Oh my god is he dead?" Her knees went weak and Cisco and Caitlyn rushed to help her stay standing.

"NO, god," Y/n rushed to reassure. "He's probably. Well..." He swallowed. "I was thinking: where's the only place we haven't looked? We scoured every corner of Central City. Everywhere but ONE place. I mean, where did you always hide when you were a kid and playing hide-and-seek?" He looked for answers, but it was Joe who had it.

"In plain sight." His voice was low and slow, his eyes widening like he was beginning to understand.

"Exactly!" Y/n cheered. "Where would we NEVER think to look, in a million years?" He lifted his foot and then slammed it down, and then did it again and again. "Right under our noses. Just like when Witland Ralph hid the murder weapon INSIDE the police precinct."

Cisco gasped. "Oh my god."

"Oh my god," Caitlyn agreed.

"But where is he?" Iris asked desperately.

Y/n winced. "I don't know exactly. This place is HUGE, and I don't know the creases and crevices. Not like you guys do. I might miss something." He looked at Barry. "Help me?"

Barry nodded immediately. "Of course. Let's go. He offered his bare hand and Y/n took it. His image rippled, and suddenly there were two Barrys again. Y/n power was incredible to see in person. When he mirrored someone, he took things from them. Skin to skin touch allowed him to copy and replicate the person - down to their powers, or small habits. If he had it long enough, sometimes he even got memories. He had learned that he could take multiple powers, but it manifested as copying part of that person. So, if he looked completely like Barry then he had Barry's full powers, but he could also just copy Barry's legs and get the speed. He'd be a little slower, tire a little more easily, but having the rest of his body free, he could copy other powers. Super strength via arms, or a sonic scream via a mouth and lungs, or night vision eyes. The more he had, the weaker the others got, but he hadn't reached a limit of people he could take as long as he was willing to have them dulled.

Y/n borrowed Barry's powers a lot. Everyone was sure it was just an excuse to touch Barry, but to be fair, the powers didn't update just by using them like Barry could. Once Y/n copied, it was like printing a picture. Once it's out, you can't edit it on the computer anymore without printing out a new image. Y/n could better his own power; work on having more powers before they got weaker, or taking more from each person he touched. But Barry's speed would always only ever be the max it was at when Y/n took them from Barry, until he touched him again.

From this power, the joke of Y/n being like a sort of meta-human Frankenstein had started, and it had come on. Hence Y/n's Alias: the Creature. It came in handy most in times like this. Sometimes it was nifty to have Y/n take on a different power - especially if it was the same as the villain they were facing, or an opposite. Today that wasn't the case.

It was Y/n who found Eddie. His coms died after he screamed and then there was a flash of red as the Reverse Flash disappeared and tried to escape the others. Barry tried to go after him but couldn't get himself to move fast enough. When he returned, he was beyond relieved to see that Y/n was okay, Eddie on his back as he moved the blonde cop onto a bed so Caitlyn could attend to his wounds. Eddie clung to Y/n, seeming exhausted and dizzy. Iris hovered nearby, hands not quite touching Eddie, as if she was afraid to break him.

Barry moved in to get everyone other than Eddie, Y/n - who was still being gripped desperately by Eddie - Iris, And Caitlyn out of the way so Caitlyn would have the room she needed to work. Eddie rested his head on Iris' shoulder. "Iris," he whispered, melting in relief. His hand loosened and Y/n stepped back. Barry went to approach him, but Y/n moved past him and directly out of the room. Confused as to why Y/n looked so upset, he followed.

Outside, Barry caught Y/n's wrist. They were suddenly facing each other and Y/n was forcing a smile and Barry hated it. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah," Y/n reassured. It was choked though. He had never been a good liar when it came to Barry. Anyone else? Sure. But not Barry. When Barry shot him a look, he added, "I just... you asked me if there was anyway to use the connection to Wells' to see the future of a person. If I could connect to his mind as it is, instead of as it was. And I told you I couldn't, because once I have a person's code, I have to have it again to update it. But... I tried. I spent that week trying so hard to make it happen because-" he cut off at the look of regret on Barry's face. "I swam in his head for a week. Drowned in it. You know, I didn't think I could ever predict a future based off of that connection, but- I mean stay in anyone's head for long and it becomes a part of you. That's how I got anxiety. I've never had anxiety before. Or how I almost developed a stutter. Or how I got absolutely obsessed with layers - especially like sweaters. Or really soft socks. I mean none of these things ever mattered to me. Nothing ever really mattered to me. I've been average and bland my entire life, and now Wells' mind is apart of mine and I'm clever. It makes me think... you know, maybe I wouldn't have been anything without him. Eddie might have died, or- or-" he laughed without humor, his words coming quickly. He seemed on the verge of a mental breakdown. “Maybe I would have been nothing. No one but that one friend you had that one time. If I wasn't Creature. If we hadn't been Flash And Creature, maybe Barry and Y/n wouldn't have been enough you know?"

And in that moment, Barry wanted to scream, because HE had put this realization on Y/n. "Listen to me. We can do some amazing things, and I know... I know exactly how it feels to think that you owe some of the best things you've ever done to Harrison Wells, which sucks because being indebted to a psychopath is not ideal-" Y/n laughed and Barry smiled, putting his hands on Y/n's shoulders. "But I don't care about you because you save my life or because you can copy my speed or because you think like Wells now or because of what you like or wear. I care about you because when I told you that a man in lightning killed my mom you believed me. I had no proof, and it was a new level of insane and impossible, but you saw the way I believed myself and decided that was enough, and now we know I was right and you were the only one who gave me even a second of the time of day. Y/n has given me more than Creature ever could. You matter to me. Who you were, who you are, and who you'll one day become. I love all of those people, okay? You're one of my best friends, right next to Iris who's been in my life almost since day one-" he squeezed Y/n's shoulder. "You're enough. Alright?"

Y/n stayed quiet for a long time. "Barry..." he looked up and the two men's eyes locked. He went speechless, but kept struggling.

Barry shook his head. "Me too."

That seemed to surprise Y/n. "What?" The word came out as a squeak and Barry grinned. He was adorable.

"That day I went back. The day I told you and Wells about." Y/n nodded as Barry stopped talking, encouraging him to continue. "You told me you loved me."

"Oh." Y/n looked away. "Barry, I-"

"No but it's okay," Barry rushed. "Because you know, Iris doesn't love me back. Maybe she does, somewhere. Some part of her. But we're too close. I mean we grew up together. We were raised in the same house, by the same man. People aren't too far off when they say she's almost my sister. It's weird, us. And I've tried to ignore that my entire life because she's not like a sister to me. I've been in love with her since I could be in love, and that always changed how I saw her. But it wasn't like that for her, and she's so happy with Eddie now and..." he shook his head. "I kept thinking if I waited long enough it would happen. I would be rewarded for my patience. But that's... she’s not a reward, and having her as my best friend is enough for me. Now more than ever because I've been thinking this entire time about your feelings for me and slowly realizing that I had some for you too. And they've really only grown. It's not my job to wait for Iris. If she and Eddie don't work out. If we could have worked, it doesn't matter. Because what could be isn't worth losing what is. I just... I’ve only ever loved her. I don't know how I'll handle loving someone else. If you're willing to deal with me trying to learn something new, I’m willing to learn it.”

Y/n looked absolutely stunned. "Barry I..." a smile slowly grew on his face. "Don't go back in time on me okay? If these exact events are needed to have you confess to me or whatever and you undid them I might have to box you."

Barry laughed. "I can make that promise. I ask in exchange a promise from you." He bit his lip for a second before saying, "You have any free nights coming up? I think we deserve a dinner date. Or maybe a movie night. Whatever you wanna do."

Y/n's eyes shone. "Can you cook?" Barry nodded. "I've always found homemade meals to be the best, especially paired with sappy music and a thriller movie of some kind. Maybe a cartoon we've both seen before, because I have a tendency to talk during movies. I get too excited."

"That sounds fantastic." Barry nodded, confirming the idea. Y/n was glowing. "Tomorrow night?"

“I'm free then." Y/n rubbed the back of his neck. "I uh- I'm not good at fast though. Can we take it slow? Everything? I honestly am trying to wrap my head around the fact that you even like me back. I feel like I'm in highschool again about to be pranked."

Barry moves closer, pressing a kiss to Y/n's cheek. "I'm perfectly fine with slow." Y/n touched the skin where Barry's lips had been a second before. "I know I'm known for fast, but I'm also known for being late so I can go either way." He took Y/n's free hand. "And whatever proof you need to drive home that I absolutely have feelings for you, I'm down to provide."

Y/n's face went red. "Okay Romeo. How about we get back to finding Wells? Until tomorrow, and then strong rule on no work talk - day or night job." Barry agreed and they both went back inside. Everyone looked between them but no one said anything. The palpable tension between the two men was bad enough without the way they looked at each other. With all of the bad things going on, it was a bad time to talk about something like this, so neither mentioned it, and everyone let it be, in favor of making plans against Wells and looking after Eddie. Soon they were all busy again - Barry with trying to figure out what Wells' plan had been, and Y/n with Eddie.

Eddie And Y/n had actually very quickly become very good friends, and while Barry had been in a coma, Iris had defaulted to going to Y/n for advice. It had been ironic then when the two had gotten together and Y/n had given Iris the "big brother" talk about hurting Eddie, instead of the other way around as had been expected. They talked theories before Y/n knew Barry was the Flash, and had found out a big part because Eddie withdrew and wouldn't talk to Y/n about it anymore. When things had been rocky with Barry and Iris had been losing the small connection she had Y/n had to begin with, Eddie had been there through all of it. They'd gotten very close, and acted a lot like brothers. It only made sense that now when he needed comfort most, Eddie kept Iris and Y/n at arm's length. Neither minded staying close by anyway. They were united more on their mutual, deep care for Eddie than they'd been on anything else.

Things seemed to... sort of go back to normal. Sure, there was the newspaper that said Iris and Barry were supposed to be married, but when Barry had pulled away from Y/n, there had been a good conversation about it that had really sunk into Barry's skin.

"What's even the point, Y/n? I end up with her."

"Listen to me Barry Allen," Y/n had snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. "That future is already lost to us. In that future, your mom was alive. In that future, Eobard Thawn never came back in time. In that future there was no particle accelerator, and no not-actually Harrison Wells to get you to improve yourself so much so quickly. He's already changed so much. EVERYTHING. He's changed us. He's changed the world we live in. I mean, what if the only reason that newspaper is still solid is because you make it happen? And what if that's not the best outcome for you? I mean yes you've been in love with her your entire life. You haven't known anything else. What if that isn't the full extent of what you deserve? What if that newspaper article is right before you guys get divorced? Or right after, and she just doesn't change her name? It's a name on an article Barry - it means nothing. I had the time of my life on that date with you. Please don't choose her over me, because she chose Eddie over you. And because I deserve better."

After that fight, Eddie had proposed to Iris and shared some words with Barry as well. Eddie had almost given up too, but the two men having a good chat had cleared it up for both of them. Who wanted a predetermined future anyway? Who wanted to be told what would happen? No, what would happen is what they would make of it. And Barry was happier than he'd ever been; why throw that away?

In the end, they'd figured it out. It had lead to Barry and Y/n's first kiss.

After that, it had nearly gone back to how it had been in the beginning. Fighting meta humans, working as a team, being a family. But also better. Now they went on a double date and it wasn't awkward and Barry wasn't the third wheel and he wasn't jealous; they all had a good time and it was amazing. For a few days everything was fine and it made sense and everyone was safe and happy.

And then everything came to a resounding halt. Because Wells came back, but this time with a dilema. Barry could go back and save his mom, but not only would it allow Thawn to escape, it could also destroy the entire world via black hole. Even if it didn't, life was going to be completely different when Barry came back. They didn't know what they'd lose. None of them would even know except Barry.

Barry looked at Y/n. "What should I do?"

Y/n pursed his lips. "I don't know what I would do in this situation. Saving your parents, fixing your entire life... giving yourself the childhood you deserved." He shrugged. "I think it's important to be selfish sometimes. To take care of yourself and your own needs."

"That wasn't an answer," Barry pointed out when Y/n went quiet.

Y/n sighed. "Remember when you told me about Iris, and how hard it was to tell her how you felt because you guys were just too close to each other? The only reason you two didn't date sooner is because you were both stuck in this space of near sibling hood that made everything so complicated. I mean, if you hadn't been like that..."

"I would have told her sooner," Barry finished. His eyes closed.

"I'm just saying, switching us out for you and Iris is the least of your worries. It was just an example. Me, Now. Who I am in this timeline. I'll never see you again, and you'll never see me this way either. What if in this new world you don't have powers? Or I don't? Or Eddie died because we never found him? I just... I've always been against changing the past. We talked about it theoretically a million times when I went off about superheroes. Giving yourself what you think you want or need, in exchange for everything else. You could lose everything you value most and get something even worse. This might not be the timeline that's best for you."

Barry smiles a little. "That's what you said about Iris."

Y/n smiled too. "Maybe I just thought that our life was the best outcome? A lot sucks about it, but that's going to happen in any world, you know?"

In the end, Barry did it. Y/n didn't get mad at him, or judge him. Their goodbye was heart wrenching though, and when Barry went through the portal into the past, Y/n refused to look at anyone, afraid that if he did he'd burst into tears. This wasn't the time for that; they had to focus on corralling Thawne.

With all of that said, it was more than just a small surprise when only moments later, just as they were about to let Thawn go home, Barry burst through the portal again to stop him. Which meant, he hadn't saved his mom. He hadn't changed the timeline. And Thawn wasn't going home.

In the end, rage won out. With Barry going through grief he had to be feeling, and Thawn powered by white hot wrath... Thawn won. And he stood over Barry, face contorted and hand vibrating, lowering toward Barry. All of them were on the ground. Y/n had hit his head; he was dizzy and disoriented and confused. He looked up and saw two things that changed everything. Thawn about to kill Barry, and Eddie about to kill himself.

Eddie and Y/n had actually grown to be very close. They'd liked each other pretty quickly, because Eddie was the only cop who treated Y/n like he was actually apart of the precinct and not just a throw away, nerdy archivist. They had trusted each other, and even when Barry had come back and it had been so crazy and complicated, Eddie had never stopped being Y/n's friend. When Barry and Iris and Joe left him behind and cut him out, Eddie had fought for them to stop excluding Y/n, and had kept his secret when Y/n had told Eddie about Creature. Even from Iris. They were like brothers, and when Eddie and Iris had dated, everyone had been surprised when Y/n had given her the "big brother" talk about Eddie, instead of for her to Eddie. So when they'd found out about Eobard Thawn, of course Eddie had gone to Y/n with a thought path that he couldn't bare keeping to himself. One he knew Y/n would be understanding about, and not get angry at hearing.

"What if Eobard protected me because he knew that he would be erased from existence if I died? I mean, wouldn't that happen? If my line stops with me, he never gets born. Barry's mom never dies. None of this ever happens."

Y/n had shut it down pretty quickly. "But you only did it because he came back, so if he didn't come back you wouldn't have done it. That's what we call a paradox and it's unpredictable and super deadly. I mean, Barry tried that once - he went back just a day and avoided a major catastrophe, and in exchange an equally terrible thing happened. Cisco's brother lost his hands. It's not worth losing you. You're as important to me as anyone else on Team Flash. You're one of the only people who's had my back no matter what. Even Barry has failed sometimes, but you haven't. You have to promise me you won't do this. Do you understand?"

Eddie had agreed at the time.

It seemed like he'd changed his mind now.

Panicking, Y/n screamed. His body shook, filling with the energy he'd taken from Thawn. He felt that terrible thing he always did when he tapped into the Speed Force so unlike Barry's. The opposite of Barry's even. He moved, faster than Barry ever had, full of uncontrolled fear. He knocked the gun out of Eddie's hand and, in the same move, barreled directly into Wells. It should have been fine for the most part. But Y/n was still disoriented and couldn't think correctly, so he wasn't exactly controlling his powers. Y/n felt his skin stretch and attach to Thawn, and then... pull. One second they were rolling around at super speed, trying to one up the other, and the next: Y/n was alone.

"What the hell just happened?"

"It looked like Y/n... absorbed Wells."

"Eddie oh my god are you okay?"

"Y/n can you hear me?"

Disorientation gave way to one thing only: white hot, searing pain.

It was like Y/n's brain was trying to expand. Like his skull was about to split. His skin seemed to crawl, covered in goosebumps and cold sweats. He arched his back, fingers curling to look like claws as he tried to sink his nails into the metal around him. He writhed, eyes blinking - but all he could see was a world swirling with colors and shapes.

"What's wrong now?"

"I- I mean- he usually absorbs people right, and then that translates into the longer you have parts of that person, the more you retain from them-"

"We don't have time for this Caitlyn!"

"Just look at him! He completely absorbed Wells, body and all, but he still looks like himself. That's never happened before. If he... god, if he skipped the part where he copied, and just pasted Wells' genetics straight into his own code..."

"How do we fix it?"

"I don't know. I've never seen anything like this before. I don't even know what's happening. He might explode, he might overload and short circuit. They might be battling for dominance, Wells now simply reduced to nothing but DNA and a consciousness. He might completely take Y/n over and erase him, or Y/n might do the same to him. There are endless possibilities, I'm just theorizing."

"Is there a way to take Wells out of him?"

"It would be like trying to detach his soul. Trying to separate DNA strands and skin cells. I... I don't even know where to begin. We didn't do tests on Y/n like we did with you. We don't understand his powers as well. Science can't make reason of his abilities. It's like magic."

Don't lose yourself.

Don't lose yourself don't lose yourself don't lose-

A hand on Y/n's shoulder. "Hey. I'm right here Y/n. It's me. It's Barry. It's your Barry. I- I came back. We're gonna get through this, okay? It's going to be okay Y/n."

His voice... it made emotions rile up out of the pain filled nothing. Everything else dulled in favor of two emotions, equally strong, battling for a foothold over the other.

Disgust. An emotion that was red and green and purple. Rough and sticky and hard to swallow.

But there was love too. Deep and smooth and warm. Soft. Orange and brown and pink. It tasted good in your mouth and made you smile.

Those tow emotions, so very opposite each other, and Y/n knew that one was Wells and one was him, but he wasn't sure which was which anymore. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to kill Barry... and that terrified him, because more than anything he wanted to keep Barry safe. The two mindsets clashed and contradicted, and yet still existed perfectly.

“Barry-" Y/n croaked.

"I'm here," Barry gushed, moving closer. "I'm right here. Tell me what to do to make it better Y/n. Tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"Leave..." Y/n blinked, but the world was only just starting to clear. Something was calming down, the pain was fading, but Y/n was terrified of that more than the agony of what was happening before, because as the world cleared everything seemed... wrong. He thought about what Caitlyn had said, and realized that what he was experiencing now was some sort of merge of the way Thawn saw the world, and the way Y/n saw it. They were neither person - they were a mashup of both. But Y/n didn't know which parts of who were going to survive, and as he thought this, that hate and disgust and thirst for Barry Allen's head on a pike rose over the love that was slowly turning to fear, and Y/n knew there was only one way to handle it. "I love you," Y/n whispered, his eyes moving to Barry for only a second before he couldn't look anymore. "And you- we could have been so good-"

"No," Barry choked out, clinging to Y/n in desperation. "Don't you dare say goodbye. We still have so much to do-"

"And we could have done it," Y/n whispered, tears falling down his heated skin. "But- but not anymore." And he couldn't have even begun to explain to Barry what was happening now, but it was terrible and Y/n hated it. "I want to kill you, Barry." He closed his eyes in shame. "I want to... I ruined your life." His head swam with memories he couldn't possibly have. Nora Allen's blood on his hands. Barry's unconscious body under his vibrating hand. It would be so easy to kill him now... "I killed your mom."

Barry shook his head. "No, that was Wells-"

"Not anymore." Y/n's eyes flew open and he twisted, away from Barry. "Forget about me. I'm glad we met because now I can save you... but, lose hope. Don't- don't come looking for me-"

Barry's eyes went wide. "Y/n wait-" But Y/n was already gone, getting his feet under him and moving as fast as he could, pushing himself further than he or Thawn ever had. Barry screamed for Y/n to stop, trying to keep up, but... Reverse Flash had always been faster than Flash, so Y/n got away.

And that should have been the end of the story, but Barry Allen had always been terrible at doing what he was told. What was one more time?