#if you kno the artist feel free to drop the name

[voodooya]

Waltz of the Dead

by BoneHed-Art

[bibbykins]

Heliophilic Rain and His Pluviophile (M)

Yikes, it’s been a hot minute. That’s my bad. I have been having it a little rough with my job and so I’m in the process of finding another one and that among a billion other things is slowing me down. Which makes me wonder if I were to open commissions if anyone would be interested? I also would like to add there is a scene that could be triggering so proceed with caution, please. Either way, thank you for your patience as always, and I hope you enjoy!

Pairing: (Soft) Yandere! Yoongi x Reader Genre: Smut/Fluff

Word Count: 8.5k

Warnings: possessiveness, yandere tendencies, anxiety, unspoken threat of sexual assault, slight violence, oral, penetrative sex, cock warming, toxic relationship (he's yandere ya kno)

Summary: He was the rain just as you were the sun, both too transfixed with watching each other to get any closer. Few things feel more refreshing than drops of fresh rain on heated skin or the warmth of the sun on a gloomy day. It would be a shame to not indulge in the natural wonders of the world before you.

“Her voice was like the wind. I could listen until it was all that filled me. I could listen until she swept me away into the vast ocean of her presence. I would drown if it meant I would drift back to her. Her voice was like the wind. No matter how much I tried to catch it, I would get carried away. Suddenly, I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. Suddenly, home was wherever she said it was, so long as she did so with that voice of hers.”

“His voice was like the tap of rain against a window. He was asking me to go out to see him, but there was something beautiful about the way I knew he wasn’t referring to me specifically. I was a mere onlooker to his presence. Even so, I would catch a cold if it meant I could reach him, even for a moment. I thought this, knowing I would never have the guts to go outside. I made peace with this until the taps on my window turned into knocks on my door.”

——-

The office had an industrial-chic style about it, filled with neutral tones and the clanging of chains for no other purpose except fashion donned upon its employees. The color palette was gloomy and soothing, just how Yoongi liked it, an aesthetic that his employees gleefully shared with him as well. Each morning, Yoongi would look out his office and admire his growing business, eyes never lingering on one place too long, he loved all of the office equally. This much rang true until he couldn’t tear his eyes away from your form.

“She’s like a breath of fresh air, isn’t she?” Hoseok placed his hand on Yoongi’s soldier as he watched you through the glass doors of the conference room you were currently introducing yourself in, “Don’t be too hard on her, she’s competent and hardworking, okay?” 

Yoongi could barely hear his friend as he lost himself in the way your eyes crinkled from a genuine smile adorning your face. You were his new host to one of the podcasts his company picked up. From the merger with Hoseok’s company full of his college friends, Yoongi went from popular podcast host and semi-popular producer to a CEO of Min Productions, famous music artists in production and performance,  who oversaw the production of music and several podcasts on several topics, and you were what he had initially dreaded.

From the merger, came money, but what also came with it was Namjoon, the PR head of the company Hoseok was a part of, being able to choose one of every five talents for Yoongi to build up, hopefully into fame. Yoongi had just reached his fifth host, the podcasts he chose mostly consisting of music commentary or general life talks from people with aesthetics aligned with his own. However, from the sea of neutral colors and low voices partaking in casual conversation came you.

You were a perky college senior with some light in your eyes still. You were a rare find and had no set style ranging anywhere from pastels to the grunge he was used to seeing, but what never changed was your smile. Your teeth made an appearance at least 10 times a day, judging by the third smile you had just flashed the crew in a two-minute time frame.

Your podcast, however, oddly betrayed your attitude. You ran a sex and lifestyle podcast where you asked questions most people were too shy to throw out into the world pertaining to the unspoken social rules of casual dating and sex. It was interesting, yes, but it didn’t align with the brand Yoongi had been building judging by the synopsis. 

The fuss he made to Namjoon ended as soon as he sat down and listened to a podcast of yours. 

—–

“I have a formal complaint I would like to file!” You proclaimed as Yoongi found himself listening to your most recent podcast, “Why the fuck can’t I get a sugar daddy my age? It’s almost like… like my age demographic consists mostly of broke-ass college kids living with their parents, in a dorm, or like ya girl, an overpriced apartment and not rich as fuck for no reason. Fucking whack, I’ll say it.” He unwittingly cracked a smile at your charm and sarcasm, “I spent one day on sugarbaby.com and had to watch vanilla straight porn at the number of wrinkly dicks I saw instead of profile pictures. That’s like the most boring porn. So here comes a Patreon plug for the brainwashing I will conduct on myself in case I saw anyone’s grandfather’s penis.” You had an unabashed charm about you that urged him to listen more, maybe just one more episode.

Yoongi found himself listening to your entire discography, even the less promoted music you released once every blue moon, which wasn’t half-bad. However, he couldn’t find a picture of you, most likely because you posted under the alias Sugar Sun. The only pictures of yourself being from behind.

“On this episode of men are trash: men are fucking trash. Hello all, Sugar Sun here, and let’s talk about my day,” Yoongi could feel his intrigue grow, as you kept releasing, your delivery became less forced and more natural, “I don’t talk much in class, believe it or not. I’m a stuttering mess and like two people know my name at my big ass university, so when I do talk and my shit hole of a lab partner yells at me in the middle of a presentation to speak up, I cry, in front of the class. But do I stop the presentation? No, I’m fucking frozen with fear, so I just continue with my tears and the presentation. Bitch, what the fuck I looked like a middle school drama kid doing a monologue in front of her math class for no fucking reason.” You took a deep breath, “In conclusion, I’m sensitive and men are trash. Now, to the podcast.”

You had gained more traction with your commentary on romantic life and general comedy, catching Namjoon’s attention, “Hello again, double S here, with a special announcement. I got like, an actual company to sign me! Wild, I know! I’ll get paid and have meet-ups and stuff, which means you lovely listeners will get to soak in my face and talk to me in person and really experience why the only orgasms I’ve had are self-made!”

—–

“Yoongi!” Hoseok tapped his shoulder, snapping him out of his trance you put him in.

“Sorry, she’s just-”

“Be nice,” Hoseok warned.

“Like sunshine.” Yoongi could feel the air enter his lungs as you sat down with a smile, “Like, what the fuck, Hobi?” 

His friend blinked, “Woah, shit, what?” He stifled a laugh, “You know, there isn’t a no-dating policy, right?”

“I’m well aware.” Yoongi rolled his eyes, “But there will be if anyone tries anything.” He spoke nonchalantly and Hoseok choked on air at his friend’s obliviousness while the glass doors of the conference rooms were opened, you pouring out from it, waltzing to Yoongi and Hoseok.

“Hello, Mr. Min and Ho-Mr. Jung, I’m Y/n, or Sugar Sun, thank you for this amazing opportunity.” You bowed as Hoseok shook off his bewilderment for just a moment to give you a small bow with Yoongi.

“I look forward to spending more time with you.” Yoongi spoke in his regular gruff voice, the same one that proclaimed to have your hand in marriage just moments before, “I find you’ll be a breath of fresh air to the company.”

“I also look forward to seeing how your podcasts go, you have a photoshoot in a couple weeks, right?” Hoseok smiled warmly at you as you beamed back to him. Yoongi swore the whole exchange was blinding.

“I do! I’m a little nervous, since it’ll be my big face reveal, and I don’t know how well I model.” You giggled and Yoongi found his new favorite song the moment you did.

Yoongi had a tendency to do this, whether or not he wanted to. He was a passionate man. He craved love and could see it coming from a mile away. Despite being one of the seven main heartthrobs of his college campus, he almost exclusively stuck to serious relationships, and he meant it when he said serious. Yoongi was a little, to put it lightly, obsessive. He was a jealous boyfriend, but he did his best to try not to be too overbearing. He was also excessively protective, and the women he dated were grungy free spirits who enjoyed the chase when all Yoongi wanted was to catch them then hold them for the rest of his life. Despite being blinded by his own passion, he could still see when it wasn’t going to last, having accepted to never find a girl to accommodate and sedate him when needed. However, when you looked his way, or he heard your voice, it was something more than a need being filled.

You felt your heart leap out of his chest, trying not to fall into Yoongi’s hands when you first saw him, and here he was, nonchalantly giving you an inkling of a smile. Maybe it was the lack of a solid fuck or a relationship, but you were definitely breaking some HR rules in your mind.

Suddenly, you became aware of the content you dished out. You talked about your sex life often, and he knows you’re inexperienced and terribly horny. You internally punched yourself in the face. He probably thinks you’re so weird. Yet, here you were, a huge fan of Agust D and now Min Yoongi was staring at you.

Yoongi smiled, “Don’t worry, I’ve had my experience with a face reveal or two.”

You returned his smile, remembering the day Agust D revealed his face. The whole world stopped, and you only fell deeper when you looked at his eyes, “I-I remember, I’m a fan.” You looked down shyly before facing him again.

“Funny, I am a fan of yours.” He spoke lowly as Hoseok had long walked away unnoticed.

You giggled stupidly, “A fan?” Your sunny smile beamed at him. He had always preferred rainy days, but if this was what the sun looked like, he could get used to being a little warm here and there, “I can hardly believe it.”

“I’m gone a lot and yet, your voice has a certain factor to it that draws people in. ” He mused as his eyes trapped you, “I wonder where you’ve been all my life.”

Just like that, the bubble popped. The chimes came to a screeching halt. The rose-tinted glasses were abruptly ripped off of your face. The magic cleared, and you were left with the realization that while you had damn near counted every interaction, no matter how minuscule, and he hadn’t cared to remember you until now.

“Here’s my personal cell,” He hands you a pristine card with silver numbers, “Call me if you need anything, and I mean it.” You take the card with a quaint smile that deflates

He’s never noticed you until now, of course. The answer to his thoughts was that you’ve been right here.

Before Yoongi could register the chill in the air without your smile, Hoseok came back, “Hey Yoongs, let’s go, we got a flight in a few hours.“ 

“Right.” Yoongi breaks eye contact with you.

“Have a good flight!” You smile, not as wide as before, and Yoongi sees it.

“See you Tuesday, y/n!” Hoseok waves.

“Don’t be late!” You giggle and as soon as they both are out of earshot, Yoongi grills him.

“You know her?!” Yoongi snaps as he enters the town car.

Hoseok blinks at him, confused, “Duh? I thought that was a given.” Upon seeing his friend’s puzzled face remain, Hoseok’s eyes went wide, “Holy shit, you don’t remember her?!”

The older male blinked in confusion, “I’ve never met her before?”

The younger businessman threw his head back as he placed his hands over his face in frustration, “She was in our forensics class and our history class last year’s fall semester and the year before!” He was exasperated, “Remember the super genius sophomore?”

Yoongi racked his brain. Last year? He had been dating some angsty theology major. How could he have let himself be blinded by a temporary fling when the love of his life was right there? He could kick himself at this moment. No wonder your smile faltered, you had remembered him, “Liar, you can’t be serious.”

“Dude, she tutors me to this day in history.” Hoseok deadpanned, “All she requires is I buy her meals that day.”

“How often do you guys have study dates?” Yoongi grits out as his friend snorts at the notion of it being a date.

“Your possessive is showing,” He snickered, “My girl is all I can see these days, no matter how cute y/n is.”

“I will end you if you touch her,” Yoongi doesn’t hesitate, “Especially with the way you treat girls,” His face scrunches in disgust before he grumbled, “But how often?”

“Every other Tuesday.” Hoseok smirked, “And you mean used to treat girls.” 

Yoongi huffed in agreeance.

—-

“Hello, party people.” Your voice entered Yoongi’s headphones as he leaned back on his hotel bed, “Sugar Sun here, in my bedroom. We’re calm, we’re casual, it is a Friday night and this one goes out to my fellow homebodies.” You switched off to play a song. Part of the contract you signed was that you are allowed to go live whenever you liked to encourage and tend to fans. You explained it was almost a tradition for you to set aside a Friday night in once a month for your fans and Yoongi found in comforting as he lay alone. 

Your taste in music was so unbelievably cute, he couldn’t help but smile at the lo-fi song, “And we’re back, hello all here and all who are joining as I speak. Today I took a tour of the studio my actual podcasts will be recorded in and holy shit, they seem to actually take me seriously as a personality and even artist, so expect some tunes soon.” Yoongi smiled at this, you don’t even know your potential, “I’m looking at the chat now to see if there are any questions, and- oh, yes, I did meet my boss. Yes, the iconic Min Yoongi. He is as dreamy as they say, but I have actually met him before.” Yoongi sunk a little further in shame, “Did he remember me?” You read from the chat, “No, of course not. I’m a voice, but no one will know me if I don’t use it.” You sighed out and he felt his heart clench. He was such a fucking idiot. “Which I don’t much beyond this mic. Am I scared to say this now that he’s my boss?” He held his breath a bit, “No, I doubt he’s listening. He said he was my fan, but he could just have said that to be a nice guy.” You laughed, a hint of sadness evident, “What a fucking disaster I must seem like if he were to, huh?” The sadness in your voice more prominent, “If he is, hi Mr. Min, please erase this from your memory, as well as my sophomore haircut.” 

The live went on as normal and Yoongi drifted to sleep to the melodious sound of your voice for the remainder of the flight. However, even in his dreams, you were just out of reach, and he couldn’t begin to put into words how much it killed him.

—-

You don’t know how you got here. You looked around at the shabby setup. This "photography studio” looked a lot, and you mean a lot, like it was a half-assed school set not long ago. You scoffed, throwing your hands up incredulously when you caught sight of a black couch. You really hated your manager.

The jackass was assigned to you and you were too scared to say how uncomfortable he made you. He treated you like a child, but the way he looked at you was too adult for your taste. He was constantly texting you and asking for photos of your face, which you were constantly rejecting. To top it all off, he wants you to call him Big Brother, not Oppa, Big Brother. You opted for Big Bro instead, since he won’t give you his name. No, to top it all off, he booked your photo shoot with a “friend” of his to “save the company money”. He asked you to show up in a dress no longer than your knees and you felt dumber and dumber as time went on for doing so. 

You stood in the middle of this studio-warehouse apartment waiting for this great photographer to show up. As you stood here, your initial thought was “how fucking ridiculous is that” but the longer you were there and the more you studied the ropes that were no longer as well hid, something in your stomach began to turn.

You were in actual fucking danger. This situation could not be a funny story if you didn’t live to tell it. Your eyes darted from different red flags in the room. A spot of dried blood scratches on the cheap wallpaper, bare plaster marks against the beige wall, a poorly-concealed camera you hadn’t noticed until now. Your chest squeezed when your phone vibrated. 

You could get out of here! All you had to do was send an SOS.

Hoseok: Good luck in the photoshoot from my other half and I! 

You smiled lovingly at the snapchat from the male, the more permanent girl in his life with a smile on her face and an encouraging thumbs-up. They were evidently on a date, finally, so there was no way you could call them to come get you. You would hate to bother them.

Mr. Min: Let me know how the shoot goes. 

You faltered over the message. He was professional as ever. Would he think less of you if you abandoned a shoot like this?

Yoongi agonized over the three dots that stared him down. He had to remind himself to blink as he watched the minutes tick by that felt like hours. What the hell were you typing?

It had been about a couple of weeks since you’ve been under Yoongi’s company and all had been normal. Your routine was the same, and so was his. Except for this time, you two would exchange polite texts on what the other would do.

Sugar Sun: Great song as always!

You would always send exclamation points or some sparkle emojis, even a sun here and there. Yoongi found himself unable to shield his cheesy grin at the texts you sent him. You were always the first person to praise his new work. He found himself craving your praise more and more, but he forced himself to remain professional.

Mr. Min: Loved your live.

He always used punctuation despite using fragments which somehow added an aura of professionalism that he effortlessly radiated in person. Nevertheless, you would always send back a sparkly thank you which made Yoongi melt. He prided himself on not overstepping boundaries by attempting to control your professional life. His self-restraint proved quite strong as he held himself back from taking you out to lunch or giving you special treatment. This restraint was put to the ultimate test when he found out you were assigned Hyungin as your manager. He was an unfortunate employee with constant reports that would ultimately be rescinded by the female employees.

He was a disgusting piece of shit, Yoongi deduced. Hyungin was the brother of the management agency contracted by his company, per Namjoon’s damn insistence,  and he was itching for that contract to end, and soon. Yoongi had to physically hold himself back when he found this information out, trying to respect you by not meddling or keeping tabs on you.

His resolve was a very thin string that was tugged and tugged as the days went on with Hyungin having total control over your schedule and an excuse to contact you 24/7. You were a strong girl and had not made a report. He had to respect that. 

Your lip began to twitch, a movement you quickly halted as you shook the fear off. Maybe you were overreacting. Maybe you were being stuck up. You weren’t like Yoongi, maybe you had to photoshoot in shabby places.

You: I’m kind of scared…

You shook your head, erasing the message and locking your phone. You huffed, it was 30 minutes past the scheduled time. Surely you had the right to leave? You heard the back door open and could feel the bile lurch in your throat.

Something was very wrong. You were not overreacting. There were several heavy footsteps and as they thudded through the warehouse, nearing your reaching form, you could not deny the quaking fear that traveled through your veins like electricity.

One? Two? No, four sets of steps. The uneven rhythm proved as much, too many for a measly photoshoot. Too many for you to take on all at once. The correct amount to hold you down. The correct amount to-

“Little sis, are you here?” A sickening voice called out and you realized the steps stopped with only his continuing. 

He was trying to surprise you. 

“Come on, dear, let’s get to know each other.” You could hear the predatory smirk on his face and you choked on a horrified breath as the fear pricked your skin and pierced your lungs.

You were choking on your own horror.

“Come out, come out,” He called and you were frozen, absolutely fucking frozen. 

Run.

You stood up, breaking into a sprint that was a hair too slow. You felt a calloused, obscenely rough handgrip your forearm with a vigorous force and you screamed. He was squeezing, and at this rate, your bones would surely snap, “Not so fast, little girl.” He stood next to you, breath pungent with halitosis. From peripheral vision, you could see his five o'clock shadow and you realized the size difference and the lack of camera. You couldn’t stop screaming, mimicking every cell in your body that seemed to yell,

RUN.

Just like lightning, you struck him with your head, harder than you knew you could stand. His nose gave you an all too satisfying crack and his grip loosened enough for you sprint again, this time more than quick enough to keep going. You heard the clamoring of footsteps and eventually, all you could hear was the sound of the wind as you turned corners you had no familiarity with, running until your legs could no longer carry you. 

Your legs finally shook you down to your knees in a part of town you barely recognized. You had passed through here once before as a freshman in college sight-seeing. It was a tourist spot and you exhaled on the sidewall as people stepped around you.

You heaved a breath that you swore you had been holding for hours with a small victorious smile. Your eyes scanned the area of regular people and your hands shaking brought attention to the purse you thankfully still had.

Without thought, you ripped it open, using your phone to call the first person you could.

“Y/n?” His voice was gruff, as if he was whispering whilst trying to talk normally, “Is everything okay?” He seemed confused, you had never called him before.

“Can you… uh…” You faltered after realizing the strangled sound you made, voice raw from the screams you let out, “…please come get me.” You nearly whispered.

“Send me your location, I’m on my way.” Yoongi didn’t miss a beat before adding, “Stay where you are, don’t go near anyone.” He ended the phone call and you followed his directions, dropping your pin. You sighed in relief as you took refuge on the sidewalk, draping the cardigan in your bag over your shoulder, securing it around yourself.

Yoongi shot up from his office chair, looking at his employees mid-powerpoint. His marketing team turned into ice at his gaze. His eyes were much darker than a moment ago, and his jaw was like stone, “I have an emergency to attend to, we will proceed at a later date.” The room nodded stiffly as their boss walked out, all of them unaware why, having been too scared to even try to listen to his phone call.

Never in Yoongi’s life had he sped so recklessly. You were 10 minutes away and something was wrong. Your voice had never sounded so vulnerable. He had never heard it that quiet before. You were in a plaza of popular building, and if you had a photo shoot today, this would not be near any studio at all. His blood boiled at the thought of anyone taking away your light.

He slammed on the brakes when he caught sight of your shrunken form on the sidewalk, your head jerked up at the sound as your entire body jumped. Why were you so scared? Your face had a small streak of makeup on the side of your face and his skin only flared as you scurried into the car and Yoongi began driving to a more familiar side of town.

“Please don’t take me home.” You pleaded, unable to face him due to the shame.

Yoongi chose not to prod, for the time being, only nodding in response as he drove. He could see you stare out the window at the passing building and he watched your shaking for curl into the car seat. He settled on this resolve of leaving you alone all the way up to the inside of his apartment until your lip quivered as you plopped down on the couch, eyes unwavering from its spot at your feet. Then, you began to cry. No, not cry, sob, sob your hardest and just like that, a single tear snapped the ever-thinning string of restraint he had left.

You were pulled into Yoongi’s chest as sobs racked through your body, you clutched his shirt as you soaked it with tears of fear, relief, joy, and you couldn’t stop. Hell, you could barely breathe. Even so, Yoongi held you as his expensive dress shirt crumbled under your grip and stained with your mascara and eyeliner proving not to be as water-resistant as you hoped. His grip was unwavering and when a hand went to stroke your hair, you could feel oxygen reach your lungs again. 

“It’s okay.” He breathed, “You’re safe now.” He fought the urge to clench his jaw again as you gripped his shirt harder.

Your breathing began to even as he whispered soft words into your ear until your eyes couldn’t cry anymore. The both of you stood there for what felt like an eternity, clinging onto one another as he felt the softness of your cardigan against his hands. You eventually broke the silence with a meek, “I’m so sorry." 

"Why is that?” He spoke softly, his last intent was to scare you.

“I ran away from the shoot, and I know it’s not professional but…” You shivered, “ He didn’t have a camera.” Yoongi could kill somebody, “He had three other guys with him.” Someone, no, all of them are going to have to pay, he concluded. Nobody involved would leave the ordeal with their lives intact. They would lose everything for trying to take his sunshine away, for making your light falter, for even a moment.

He ripped himself from you, to sternly meet your eyes, “Do not apologize for the swine you encountered.” Your eyes only reflected sorrow, “You’re alive, and that is what matters most, okay?” You nodded.

“You’re not mad at me?” Your voice cracked against your will as you looked up at Yoongi, eyes glassy and begging for reassurance.

He visibly softened, “No, Sunshine, I could never be mad at you.” You nodded in understanding, “But will you let me fix this for you?”

Maybe you should have known from the beginning. You looked at Yoongi, so eager to be your saving grace, eyes intense with intent, and yet his touch was so soft. A man in love was a dangerous man, you once read in a book. Yet, never in your life have you craved such a man before, and if Yoongi’s rage mixed with infatuation could measure close to love, you would take it. He was powerful, he was kind, and he was pleasing to the eye. He was offering you the world in that one question.

“Please.” You cast your pride aside, “They don’t deserve mercy.” An angry tear went down your cheek, “I’m so tired of trying to brave it, doubting myself, denying myself any chance of help.” You could feel the tear trickle with hot fury, “I’m so fucking sick of relying on myself.”

Yoongi was quick to catch the tear with the softest hand you’ve ever felt, “I’m here now.” He spoke with the utmost confidence.

Your relationship with Yoongi from that point for the next couple of months was interesting, to say the least. You had somehow moved in upon his request, him rationalizing it by saying they knew where you lived. Granted, he wasn’t wrong. Hyungin knew where you lived, but within two weeks he and the monsters you encountered were promptly locked in a very dangerous maximum-security prison. You decided not to dwell on how they took such a shitty deal with a well-deserved long sentence. 

Some things were above your pay grade, and you made peace with it.

Even so, he didn’t stop there. He could no longer stand on the sidelines anymore. That line blurred beyond recognition the moment he held you in his arms. He was essentially your new manager, stating he owed you at least that much after letting you fall into the hands of such a monster. Thankfully, the releasing of official statements and press conferences were received well. The victim-blaming for the nature of your podcast kept to an obsolete minimum. Your face still had not been released upon your request and you were able to move on, the media no longer covering the story as the sentencing was sealed.

The months passed in a flurry of Yoongi being awfully vague each time you asked about his personal life. He was constantly home outside of work, which you didn’t mind, but you didn’t want him to put his social life on your accord. You also had much less confidence in his infatuation for you then you did a couple months ago. Every time you tried to make a move, which meant a small brush of physical contact, he was not responding. The last time he gave you affection was the hug during your breakdown. The most you got out of him were a couple of head pats.

Like that did anything for you.

For crying out loud, you ran a sex and lifestyle podcast with no sex from the hot man you lived in the same home as.

Hell, the most emotion you see from him is the purest politeness you have ever encountered.

“Hello my listeners, welcome to the obligatory virginity talk.” Your voice was crisp in the mic as Yoongi laid in his bed, headphones in, listening to the newly released podcast. He was still a loyal listener, despite you living in his guest bedroom. He still could not get enough of your voice. If anything, he craved you more and desperately held himself back. He loved having you with him, but never did he think he would have to turn to rubbing one out during your more racy episodes or when he heard you pleasuring yourself in the dead of night. 

Not even his thoughts could satiate him with you right there, and yet, out of reach.

“It has come to my attention that many of you think I’m a virgin, not that it’s an insult..” He could hear the smile in your voice, “Alas, I am not, but that doesn’t change my hand being the most impressive thing my pussy has seen, I’ll tell you what.” You giggled at this, “No, I take that back, my magic wand is my BFF.” Yoongi shifted, wondering if you had your toys in your room. He had sent for all of your things after all. God, he could already feel his dick hardening. How pathetic you make him at the very thought of you fucking yourself silly, eyes rolled back, vibrator against your clit. He huffed, shaking away the thoughts, “ Anyhow, let’s talk trends I am late to, rare, I know, but what’s this whole spelling coconut with your hips riding someone business?” You pondered, “I haven’t ridden someone in a good while, and my dildo can’t tell me if it feels good, so I’m at a loss here.” You sighed almost longingly, “God, I miss getting fucked, but also romanced,” You groaned, “It’s been a rough as fuck dry couple of months, which didn’t bother me for a while considering… you know, but the world keeps turning and I stay alone but moving on…” You droned and Yoongi went into overdrive.

Did you seriously want to fuck someone? Like someone else? You were living with him now, why would you feel the need to have relations with anyone else? His fists clenched at the very concept. You couldn’t be talking for show, you were say too genuine. Before he could even stop himself, he marched over to his bedroom door, ripping it open.

Only when he did had did he realize that you were in front of him, hand raised to knock on the door, “Oh, hey.” You gave him a smile as you slowly retreated your raised arm, “I was just gonna see if you wanted to watch a movie with me?” Every so often you both would have a movie night in which you would try to understand his feelings with small touches and ultimately fail. Nevertheless, you enjoyed his company. Today, you were buying into an article’s advice and watching a scary one. Not that you were terrified, but you were a jumpy person. 

At this rate, you couldn’t tell if you were horny or just wanted affection.

Both, probably.

Your crush on Yoongi had only worsened throughout this whole experience to top it off. He was hot and kind who could blame you? And yet, he never made a single move as if he had no interest. God, what if he didn’t have any interest?

Your heart sank for a moment, “If not, I think I was gonna try to go out-”

“No!” Your eyes widened at Yoongi’s panicked tone when he cleared his throat, “I mean, I want to watch a movie, so you don’t have to go out.” He muttered and you nodded slowly. He could not have you going out, not after what he heard. You were craving other people. He couldn’t bear the thought.

“O…kay…” You smiled a bit, “Well, I picked a scary one if you think you can hang.” You gave him a sly smile before going to make popcorn. 

He smiled as he watched you prance to the kitchen. You were so beautiful and fun and everything he’s ever needed. All that was left was for you to be his, but he didn’t want to scare you away. He had to be a gentleman. He had to wait for the right time. That’s what Jin, Jimin, Jungkook, and Taehyung said. The only issue was that he had no idea what the hell that meant.

“You know, Mr. Min-”

“Yoongi.” He was quick as ever to correct you, “Please.” He sounded more desperate than usual and you nodded.

“Right, well I was just going to say that you have absurd taste in snacks.” You said with a chuckle, “All I ever see in you cupboards are coffee.” You wistfully sigh, “I need to go grocery shopping.”

The sound of you being so domestic-made Yoongi break into an ill-concealed smile as he settled onto the sofa, setting the oddly scary movie you chose up, “I can take you on Saturday.” You nodded when you finally found a bag of chips and sat next to the man of your affection with a cushion between the two of you.

You really couldn’t say what the movie was about, you had only seen it between the gaps in your fingers all while Yoongi watched it with a straight face. When it ended he said a short goodnight as always, except something in you, lurched out. 

“Actually, I think I may go out after all.” You swore you followed your mouth’s lead as opposed to the opposite. You just said shit and had to go along with it. Fuck, you didn’t want to go out. You wanted to stay home and be scared that there was a ghost in the closet, but now you had to get ready and shit.

“Why?” Yoongi stopped, hand gripping his door handle much harder than usual. 

You were taken aback by the question. It was valid, you supposed. But was it? How do you even answer that question? “Well, it’s been a while since I've… ya know…” You clicked your tongue, suddenly too shy to say,

“Had sex?” It was so blunt, and his eyes pierced through you and yet, you could feel your core tingle.

You were nothing but a sputtering mess, “W-W, I-I, Mr. Min-”

“Yoongi, y/n.” He spoke through gritted teeth as he stalked over to you. Despite the unconscious steps back you were taking, the couch brought you to an abrupt stop.

“R-Right, anyways, I-” You shut your mouth when Yoongi hovered over you with his presence alone.

“Say it,” He glared daggers into your form, “Say my name.” Before you could even open your mouth Yoongi groaned, slamming his hands on the couch on either side of you in frustration, “God, why do you want other people when I’m right fucking here?” Your mouth was agape at this, “I’m so sick of holding myself back.” He cursed, body pressing against yours.

“What do you mean? Other people?” You mustered and Yoongi let out a chuckle void of humor.

“I listened to your podcast about wanting to be with someone and getting romance and…” Yoongi seriously thought you had been referring to anyone but him? Him? Seriously? The hot man in the place you live? You couldn’t stifle your laugh which caused his rant to falter, “How is this a laughing matter I am-”

“So fucking dense.” You giggled, “I’ve wanted you to at least look my way for the past three years, and you seriously think I want to be with other people?!” You sighed, “I live with you for fuck’s sake, and you won’t touch me!” Now, you were letting your frustrations out, “I brush your hand, I touch thighs with you, I-I  scare the shit out of myself hoping you’ll at least hold me!” You heaved a breath, “And all you do is stay still!” You let out a frustrated yell, “The most attention I got from you was when I was almost attacked, is that what I need to do to draw sap from a fucking rock?!”

Yoongi flared at this, “Don’t ever think about putting yourself in danger.” He pointed at you, “I couldn’t take it, and I can’t take you not being honest with me, I thought you never noticed-” He was being a hypocrite, but he didn’t care.

“How could you say I don’t notice you when you straight up forgot I existed until this year?!” Yoongi was the one dumbfounded this time, and you took your chance to push past him, “I will go out tonight because I deserve-”

You couldn’t even breathe the next syllable before your back hit Yoongi’s bedroom door, his hands pinning your wrists above your own, the man breathing heavy. The air was thick with frustration as he gave you a stern look, “You deserve the world, I know,” The anger in you began to dissipate at his sincerity in his words, “And I am so in love with you, that I don’t think I’m worthy of giving it to you,” Your breath hitched at this, “But I don’t care anymore, because I would sooner kill someone before they put their hands on you, I’m sure you know I mean business, Sunshine?” You nodded, every cell in your body springing to life as Yoongi drew his lips closer to you, “So?”

You blew out a shaky breath with an equally shaky smile, “L-Love me? I-" 

"Say you love me, and I’ll do it.” He was more rushed this time, urgent almost, “I’ll stop holding back, and I will give you all that you deserve and so, so much more.” He was almost pleading.

What the fuck do you know about love? What does it look like? Sound like? Is it the way Yoongi smiles at your dumb jokes in the morning? Is it the way his voice sounds through the walls as he practices newly-written lyrics? He was a good man to you. He was an attractive man. He could give you the world, and all he wanted in return was your love. Could all of this be love? Could it be the way he’s made you feel the past couple of years, especially the last couple of months? 

Well, why the hell wouldn’t it be?

“I love you, Yoongi.” You breathed against his lips and he didn’t miss a beat in closing the gap so not even air could come between the two of you.

Electrifying all over again, but so, so different. This wasn’t fear. This was lust lighting a fire within you that Yoongi only stoked further as his silky tongue tangled with yours in a flurry of repressed emotions and endless unspoken confessions. His mouth attached to your neck and you let out a moan, quickly going to cover your mouth. 

He ripped your hand away almost instantly, “You’re rarely this shy when you’re in your room, why deny me your sounds now?” He growled against your ear and the pure sex in his voice only made you moan louder. He was the rain you had admired from afar, but now he was pressed against you, and holy shit, were you getting wet.

“Yoongi, I don’t know if I can wait, I want to cum so fucking ba-ah!” You yelped when his hand went to cup your sex under the long shirt you always wore. You were on your tippy-toes, too sensitive to press your full weight onto him.

“Such an innocent-looking girl with such a nasty mouth.” He squeezed you in his hand and watched in glory as your eyes rolled back, “Since you’re a fan, I’ll be nice.” He teased as he got onto his knees, dragging your panties down with him to the floor.

“Oh shit.” You let out a breath that was quickly stolen when his tongue pressed against your entry. He lifted your leg, placing it over his shoulder as his mouth lapped at your clit and you lost yourself in the feeling, moaning mindlessly.

“You taste like deliverance.” He mumbled against your pussy and this only made your eyes roll back at the eroticism in his words. You couldn’t even keep track of what he was doing anymore.

All you could do was feel. His tongue fucked you into oblivion as he held your hips still, determined to make you come with his mouth, and his mouth alone. He let out a lewd suck and you quivered at the sensation and action. He knew how to play you and please you that you did. His tongue entered you again and he let out a delicious moan which vibrated against your folds, “Fuck, you sound and feel so fucking good!” You cried out as his tongue made thick strokes against you that only sped up expertly as he moaned into you, “Can I cum, Yoongi?” You asked, a smart girl, he concluded. He smirked against you, full intention to deny your request until, “Please, my love, I want to cum in your mouth like a good girl.” You begged pathetically and he couldn’t refuse you. You had him wrapped around your finger and hardly knew it. He got to work quickly, tongue entering you again only to flick upwards and you groaned at this. Groans were quickly replaced by increased screaming as he stiffened his tongue and licked all around your sex. You began to scream his name like a mantra as you tighten around the muscle and came the hardest you ever had.

You slumped against the door, chest heaving, “You okay, baby?” The nickname from him elicited a tired smile. You looked down at the man, lips glossy as he licked them. He sat back on his calves and you wasted no time in diving at him on the floor.

Before he could react, you gripped him through his sweatpants and smiled when you realized he was rock hard, “Can I please ride you?” You looked up at him through your eyelashes and he knew he couldn’t possibly say no.

“Your wish is my command, sunshine.” He growled when you straddle him as he sat, legs spread and back against the back of the couch now. You gave a less than innocent smile as you reached for his member, delicate hands wrapping around him, only to pull it free and closer to your entrance, “Condom?” He questioned.

“Pill, I need to feel you, fuck.” You panted, against logical judgment, but it was lost when you pressed the head against your own entrance, “Shit.” You ground against Yoongi as his head lolled back.

He could hardly handle it as your hips twirled, the tip just outside your entrance. Finally, he had enough, and with strong hands pulled your hips to fill you to the hilt. Your mouth popped open in shock and pure masochistic delight as the pain only added to the high of lust Yoongi gave you, “Sorry, baby girl, I knew you would feel so fucking good.” He emphasized this with a thrust up, “Plus, I could hardly resist being deep inside you immediately.” He growled in sadistic pride as your face twisted in pain and pleasure.

“Hurts so good.” Your hips moved spastically, chasing another high with Yoongi deep inside you. Not once did you lift your hips. You wanted to stay full, and Yoongi was more than happy to oblige, “So good, I wanna stay like this.” You moaned out as he sucked on your neck, hands going under your shirt to grip your breasts with a fevor you craved.

“You feel like heaven.” He grunted against your neck as he littered it with hickey after hickey. You were his and the way you squeezed around him and clawed at his shoulder only spurred him further. 

Yoongi could feel himself twitching inside you and this only made you gasp as you gleefully squeezed around him, “Yes, yes,” You sounded like a prayer to him, “Cum inside me, I need it.” You were nearly screaming as he began to thrust into you at a rapid pace.

“Yeah? You want me to paint those pretty walls white, hm?” He teased you despite the strain in his voice, “Fuck it right into that pretty pussy of yours, no mine.” He grabbed your hips, working your body for his own high, “This is my pussy, isn’t it?" 

"Yes, it’s all yours, Yoongi!” You yelled and with that, he groaned as he came, ropes of cum that you could feel as his hips made good of his promise to fuck it into you. You milked him as you squeezed tighter before coming undone as you came with a scream that sounded like the next symphonic masterpiece to the fucked out man inside you.

You huffed a small chuckle against his neck as your curled your form around his, “So needy.” He teased as he went to remove himself inside of you only to be met with a squeeze from you that made him curse, “You’re gonna kill me, I swear.”

You giggled, “I like how you feel inside of me.” You shrugged before shivering at the empty feeling only to gasp when three fingers were shoved into you. You wiggled in glee, “Fuck.” Your breath hot against his neck.

 "You just like to be full, huh baby?“ You nodded shyly, "You’re perfect.” He chuckled as he used his other hand to stroke your back.

—-

“Announcement time, my dear listeners” You spoke in the studio, trying not to sound like it was through gritted teeth. You counted your blessings that you were alone, “As you know, your dear old Sugar Sun has promised a face reveal and I-Min Yoongi!” Well, mostly alone. You heaved a breath as you came against his mouth for the third time.

The man between your legs looked up at you, eyes way too innocent, “What? I’m waiting for my part.” He spoke nonchalantly despite the wetness on his lips.

“I’ll never get there if you keep making me cum and start over.” You glared and the man shrugged, “I got far enough, right, babe?” You pouted and watched his resolve crack, “Honeypie?” You pleaded and he faltered, “Love of my life?” He grumbled as he sat up next to you in front of the mic.

“Fine, go ahead.” He licked his lips.

“…and I decided to go a step further.” You smiled as the man next to you held your hand, “I will be doing a photoshoot to reveal my face and my collab partner to an upcoming song and my boyfriend…”

You looked to him, eyes twinkling, “That would be my cue.” He placed a quiet kiss on your head, “My name is Min Yoongi or Agust D as some of you may know, and I look forward to my career and life with this little piece of sunshine.” You giggled at this.

“So cheesy.” You gave him a bright smile nonetheless, “Crazy news, I know, but I secured the fucking bag, my dear listeners, he’s never getting rid of me." 

You were joking for the most part, but you didn’t know how right you were. You would not be away from him any longer. You were his sunshine, his little songbird, and his world all at the same time. He needed you like he needed to breathe. Now, you were his. You were his sunshine despite the rain he embodied. The rainbow between the two of you was too intoxicating to even bear the idea of giving it up. Even for a fraction of second. You were his. Every moment, minute, second, everything would be together. He was yours now and forever just as you were his. Blissfully and eternally in love.

"I’m too crazy to let go now.” You laughed as he kissed your temple affectionately.

So was he.

Buy me a ko-fi (it would make my day) 

Masterlist

[entoman-created-by-the-tallgreys]

Dark Ritual of Love

One thing i know would Happen is titania would Bond with the fairy’s  

but she would Eat them turn them into Milk and feed them to her fairy’s and Make those Fairy’s UN FUCKING BELIEVABLELY STRONG ! 

Most of the time She Would Eat The Men ... With Love and Brest feed them to the female’s 

n if you Kno anything about a Female fairy ... 

THAY H8 ALL OTHER FEMALE FAIRY’S ! 

THAY WANT THEM 

D 

E 

A  

D 

! 

Dead bitch ! dead ! 

She Would Brest feed them ... to Male’s as well .... but She COuld not like all female fairy’s Control her Beyond Lust ... YAH ! I SAID bEYOND lUST-ful drive .... 

She Went Crust with a Sex drive STRONGER THEN LUST ! 

if you Can’t Understand .... i Won’t Blame u ... it’s a fairy thing ! 

She Would forgive the female’s alot, and she would love to see them hunt n Slaughter ! 

She Would Bless the if thay Where Sick and Kill the Sickness 

and Enjoy the Hive War’s 

the Love she Had for the fae was = to the P o w e r  God/Ptah/Allah/ All father ! 

aka it Was Endless ! 

She Was Bursting With Love and i Scanned her soul becuz i’m Alwasy Hunt’n for A Lie .... 

Also . . . 

there Where time’s the female fae would, be Holy ... an Worship her ... Nymph’s Had a Song n her name n i Oddly Found it online in Strang sound’s or Creepy Sound Like 

I’ll Link it here by these sound’s are so fucking Close to the Song ... it’s Creepy ... it’s fucking Creepy ... it was a Song from over and before the Time of Humanity ... How n the fuck did Some on in 2019 get a Audio Clip of it ? 

.. Any Way I’ll Link it here i Needed to Clean up the Clip .... 

and i Put a Image of the Last forest i was in .... Witch i also oddly found on the net ... in a very Creepy fashion ... 

i’ll Link it in the Next Post .... or Not .... it Got the file 

You see the freaky thing is ... it Remember that forest .... to you it’s a work of art ... to me .... i was there 

i remember every tree .... and the Light is a Portal ! 

To a Hollow Room ! 

a Small Green Void ... where Gray’s all are in the darkness around u and a few will go forth only when a Small Piller rising out of the Wavy, Metallic, Sparkly Green goo ground that Act’s more like Water ... Kinda 

. . . 

and Out Game a Little Green fairy ... that fairy witch started all of the Chaos ... all of the Pandemonium ... n ya Kno ... at this Point ... i Wonder if she Was on Control all Along .... if it was a Game to her .... she is a fuck of alot Smarter then she Look’s .... 

a Bitch Like that, Wouldn’t know Magic and the Universe on it’s deepest root and then turn around and be drop dead fucking stupid .... NO ! 

Maybe she set up the Green fairy to be Summon and used the gray’s as Pawn’s ... for me to H8 on ... when she was Like a Shadow Queen .... Hiding in Plane Sight all Along .... 

where i wanted to kill the Gray’s ... n Still do ..... 

Over a Thing thay where Merely Pawn’s at . . . 

Her Intent ... thay did go back to the Green Ship over n over n over 

talking ot her in Secret 

i Pay little to no mind to it ... 

never thinking she would do Anything wrong ... 

When all along, She Might be the ... on in Control all along 

... 

idk ... 

Maybe the Mantis ... Was just a Pawn too .... S a y’n what she Wanted them to say ... 

Deity’s Have Creepy Level’s of Power and Control ! 

There is a Reason why Deity’s go to War, With 1 n Other 

any Way .... i Just Wanted to Say this OH ! n that Clip .... i Need to get rid of alot of Static put there by the Artist .... and there is Part’s Where the fairy .... or that is what a fairy female sound’s like ... is Just screaming ... and yah ! thay do that .... in the Music alot but not all of the time 

it’s a Nymph ... trust me i’ve seen them, saw them do it, and hard the Song endless time in the Many past live’s 

there Asshole’s that will sing the song at any time thay feel the Zeal ! 

and thay Love to Sing it when your Asleep ! .... 

PRICK’S ! 

Also ... More n Shit i’ve seen the Goddess do .... .... ick ... i’ll Say it n a Min 

This entire time it Could of Bin her .... in Control 

and the Stupid Reptilian’s ... Just followed a dead fairy to earth thinking thay where getting a free Planet When in reality thay where getting enslavement with A false sense of Peace 

Any Way ... back to the Shit I’ve Seen her Do .... 

She Will Have sex With Male fae .... 

Warning : it Get’s Dark . . . 

She Will Have sex with the Male’s Eat a few of them, Crush a few of them ... but most of the time when she Leave’s the area almost all of the Male’s are dead or dead inside her .... 

Only when she eat’s a fairy ... The soul will not die .... 

if she eat’s an alien ... it will die .... and it’s not Uncommon yet not Common ... 

a deity will Go Insane that thay lost 1 Soul from there would .... even if the soul was n idiot and Ventured into an alien Hostel land and get it’s ass killed 

She Will Drink all of the Male Cum as if it Was a Holy Fluid .... Aggressively .... 

9 time’s out of ten eat the Male’s ... very Aggressive, not H8′ful but Very Passionately ! 

if there are female’s there ... Most fae women ... i Mean almost all fae women ... will get Pissed and fight over a male .. but when titania is doing it ... thay freeze up and Watch Her  

Many a time’s .... Thay Will See she is Holy when thay See her Devour a Male 

or female, Mostly Male ... 

thay Have Bin know to Join during sex and .... she will eat them right away .... Many time’s no Kissing’s ... no fucking around, Str8 to the Stomach . . . 

Alot of female’s Have Bin Know to Master bate ot her ... she is falter by it ... and if Male do it ... Allured ... and flattered ... it’s ODD ! n Alien ... n i am Kin ... i’m a Fairy a Insectoid ... my being is Pure in the Way’s of fae ... n i Still Say it’s freaky ... i can see it as Holy .... but ...

idk ... Maybe I’ve Bin away from the Hive for too fucking Long ... too much of this Human, fucked My Head up 

any way ... Human’s .... i Know your the Only One’s reading this ... Maybe a reptile or too is reading this .... Maybe .... don’t Beat on it ... there Working Hard on the Agenda as i type Old Story’s to you ... that related to the Present day 

Again, i Hope this Data is in Some Way Useful 

Also ... Titania, dose Love the fae i Know her Way’s are dark, but it’s Come from love .... and Pure Bug Nature and i Mean PURE BUG NATURE BOOTH INSECT AND THING THAT ARE BUG BUT ARE NOT COUNTED AS INSECT’S ! 

HER OMNI IS BUG ! 

She is Pure in the Way’s of Bug .... 

and i Wonder why her Intent is .... if she is still there ... 

idk ... idk Who is behind all of this ... i don’t fucking Kno .... 

but i Got a Powerful Hunch And May Clue’s .... 

Titania, Devour fairy’s becuz of Love ... 

it’s and Alien sex ... you Wouldn’t Understand if you think it’s a fetish ... Look too the Mantid and call it a fetish or the Spider’s or any other bug .... NOW ! 

Also ... this “fetish” Start getting Popular when many Kid’s Where getting abducted by alien gray’s and Mantid’s ! 

Later in Life thay Found thay Liked Big Alien Girl with Big Bug Eye’s .... and a taste for Male’s ! 

Thay Call it Anime i call it Hybrid in Hiding ! ... 

i Know thay can Make them drawling dance on How ever thay want .... but in the end it’s the image you need to look at 

thay all Got big round or Almond eye’s liek the fucking Gray alien’s or a BUG ! 

and that was not don’t on Accident ... i swear that ... the Mason’s Picked that for A Good reason 

NEW WORLD ORDER ! 

and not the world of Masonic Power and a 1 world Government ! NO ! the world end’s as the gray’s told Me, the world is set on fire, the heat go’s Above 500 F 

And the World anewed ! aka Made A New .... aka reborn ... fresh start with a Warm World .... 

MAYBE ! 

Gray’s Might fuck it Up ... that you need to be Aware of it 

if the world doesn’t end by 2023 .... the agenda is Over 

There Word’s 👽 Not Mine 

Ok, i Gotta, Go ! 

but Before i do ... i want to Let you Kno 

Titania is a Good Mother, for fairy’s aka Bug people to you she look like a Monster but to us she is Holy ! 

And she DOSE Give a fuck ! About the fairy’s ! 

Her every action, her Every Thought and her every Move is to enbetter the fae 

in the Name of Hive world ! 

Still ... All of fae wanted to stop being Tormented us Why i said there is a Chance ... we are all Going to Band together and Wage War on her ... 

The fake fog Drove her Insane ! 

its not a fuck you to the Mother but to her Insane State .... 

and i Literally Mean Insane 

as of right now, the Gray’s and what there Doing and the State of the World is All that Matter’s ! 

3/10/2021 

Oh ! n 1 Last thing .... she Liked to Let female’s Know ... she Was the Boss ... it is Still a female Insectoid ... 

if it Saw a female, That Was ... She Would Crush, Female fairy’s, Just to Show The Rest of the other Female’s, That She is the Boss’s and don’t u forget it 

and 1 other dark thing She Would Do ...is every Now n then she Would devour an entire Hive .... 

Just Becuz, she Wanted them or it ... 

Just kinda out of the Blue ... but you could feel it Was Coming ... and it would get Stronger n stronger n out of the Blue She would Devour the entire Hive 

and Convert the Hive into a Sewage Grave Yard 

... 

i Guess you can Say she Wanted a Sacrifice but if you try to give them to her, will will want the other female’s to eat it .... 

No Bullshit ! 

She Was Often a Mini Giantess threw fairy land or aka Hive World ... She Was about 25 to 28 or 29 Feet Tall. 

as for the Kind of the Hive World .. doesn’t really exist ... 

he Has no Power, is rarely ever seen ... 

and is Said to be dead ... it’s just a rumor ... of a Long long ago world on earth 

But ....Keep n Mind when i said female’s rule the Hive ! 

Any way ... 

i Made it Long enough ... Later ! 

✌🏻 ✌🏻 ✌🏻

n it’s all True ! 

[laythornmuse]

Where We Begin:  Chapter 8 (Part 1)

Previous Chapter 

 The car arrived precisely at 6 PM as Claire was walking down the steps of her complex.  Jamie stepped out of the car to help her in, but as she approached he felt an awe fall over him.  

Her curls were pinned delicately in place, swept back and off her neck in delicate ringlets. Her skin glowed with just a hint of cosmetics,  her eyes smoky and alluring.  Her dress, though modest, hit mid thigh and made her opal, soft legs appear endless.  

“Jamie. You’re staring,” She smirked as she stopped in front of him.

Jamie blinked several times before a sheepish expression crossed his face.  He took the small overnight tote from her hand and pulled her close for a kiss.  The smell of jasmine on her neck made him groan aloud.

“I was wondering how long Jenny would let me live if we skipped the benefit and I took you home now,” he murmured, sending a bolt of heat right between her legs.

She grinned. “I did not spend hours on these curls to have no one see them, Fraser.”

He smiled, closed his eyes a moment and shook his head. “Aye. You’re right.” 

He backed up a step and offered her his hand. “After you.”

Jamie shut the door behind her, placed her tote in the trunk and circled round to the opposite door, all while trying to wipe the grin off his face.  A woman he was crazy about was about to meet his family before spending the night.  He mumbled a soft prayer that he didn’t screw it up.

Claire felt her breathing stop as they pulled up to the venue. They had laughed together during the car ride, but now that she saw the crowd gathered around the door and the cameras, her palms felt damp and her heart raced.  A strong arm wound around her to still her hands, as a warm breath hummed by her ear.

“Let them snap their photos. Smile and breathe and dinna let go of my hand.” 

“Like I intended to,” She muttered dryly.

“I’ll walk around to your door and help ye out. Ready?” 

“No,” Claire whispered. 

Jamie pressed a kiss to her neck and let his hand drop from her hand to her thigh. He squeezed the skin above her knee and slowly let his fingers crawl upward, inching under the hem of her dress.

“Weel, I suppose we could find something else to do…”

“This is not motivating me out of the car.” She whispered, leaning her head back to grant more access to her neck. 

A knock on the window startled them apart,  and Jamie grimaced as his sister leaned on the tinted windows.

“Jenny.” He sighed and motioned her away. “She’s always had terrible timing,” he muttered.  He gripped her hands. “Now?” 

Claire nodded and smiled. “Just don’t let go.”

Jamie led her through the dense crowd in under 5 minutes, stopping in 10-second intervals to either keep an eye on Jenny, shake hands with a guest being interviewed (smart move, I thought) or to pose for a brief picture where he pulled her close and motioned discretely where to look. 

Claire was shocked when they cleared the glass doors of the gala’s foyer, and tugged Jamie to a halt.

“Impressive.  I see you’ve navigated seas of people before.”

He smirked and looped her hand through his arm. “The trick is to not stop moving.  They can smell weakness, ye ken.” 

Claire hid a grin behind her hand as Jamie lead her into the main ballroom, stopping only to hug his sister when she and her husband caught up.

Jenny did not intimidate Claire,  but it was clear that Jenny was a great force of opinion, stubbornness, and guile.  She glowed in a cream and gold one-shoulder cocktail dress, beautifully tailored to her petite frame.  She commanded the ballroom, catching the eye of attendants to refill beverages while eying the hors-d'oeuvres to ensure their presence.  She did this while briefing Jamie on the last minute cancellations and giving him a murderous glare if his attention wavered.

After Jamie left the previous night,  Claire’s phone erupted with messages from Jenny. With barely an introduction, Jenny jumped right into the business of preparation.  The gala was benefiting the City’s Recreation Centers,  starting new after-school programs in discovery and science, ranging from ages 12-16.  

Jenny texted her a 20-page document on the at-risk statistics of children 12-16,  the major donor names of the evening,  and talking points in case she was surrounded and cornered.

Always a good student,  Claire studied the materials provided and was not at all surprised when Jenny turned her attention to her.

“Very good, Claire,” Jenny nodded approvingly after the fifth correct answer. 

“Jenny, please, will ye no’ relax?” Jamie pleaded.

“Well, I kno’ ye didn’t review the packet I sent ye, Brother, Given where your head's been.” Jenny gave me a pointed look. “But, at least this one laughs and has a head filled with more than smoke.”

“Janet!” Jamie growled.

Claire smirked and patted Jamie’s arm. “I’m flattered, Jenny. Your good opinion seems hard earned, but I’ll do my best.”

“See?  We understand each other already,” Jenny teased,  as Ian came around her left and handed her a drink. 

“Causing mayhem already, mo ghraidh?” Ian said with a wink.  “Cheers, Claire, to your first battle with a Fraser.  May you survive more.”

“Hush, you,” Jenny scowled, before leaning in to kiss his cheek. “And I’m sure it’s not her first.”

“Guilty.” Jamie clinked his glass to Claire’s, grinning at her before scanning the room. “Just about time Jenny?”

“Aye, it is. Come away, brother.” Jenny said, tipping back the last drops of her drink.

“A wee speech,” Jamie said softly to Claire. “Ian, behave now. None of those college shinty stories.”

“I wouldn’t dream of telling her those,” Ian laughed, offering Claire his arm.  Claire beamed at him as she wound her arm through his.

“And why not?”

“Because he plays a part in most of them,” Jamie muttered and squeezed her hand before he followed Jenny.

Claire was delighted with Ian’s company, more so when she discovered he was a fellow art lover. 

“Did you study art?” She asked.

“No, but Jenny did,” He grinned. “We met in an art class and…well,” Ian chuckled, “I took a few more art classes than necessary to get close to her, ye ken.”

“How terribly romantic,” Claire quipped as he led her to the next installation. They had only just reached the piece when one of the event coordinators approached them. 

“Excuse me, sir.  Mrs. Murray has requested you.”   Ian hesitated a moment before Claire pressed.

“I can manage just fine, Ian.  Please, go ahead.”  

“All right, but I won’t be long.”

Claire playfully shooed him away, as she turned back to the display.  This one was a sepia photograph of raked fields, following a harvest.  The ground was ripped apart, roots and branches scattered over the once neatly lined wheat field, but in the foreground, a male hand extended out to landscape,  and within the cupped hand,  the land's soil.  As she leaned closer she felt a set of eyes lock on her back.  She dropped her eyes to her clenched hands and forced herself to relax them as she felt a presence walk up alongside her.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” said the young woman.  Claire glanced at her,  taking in her dark curls and the ruby-lipped smile.

“Yes.  I never thought a harvest could appear so violent.” Claire admitted. “Do you know the artist?”

The woman tilted her head. “Don’t you?  You were just standing with her husband, after all.”

Claire’s eyes flew to the artist plaque and felt a blush start to creep up her neck. “Oh!  I didn’t realize…Are you a friend of the family?”

“My uncle has worked for the Frasers for years. This was taken at the Lallybroch estate two summers ago. Janet usually donates a few stills to these types of events.  She hasn’t sold privately in years, despite everyone urging her to.”  The woman turned fully to Claire and extended her hand.  

“Geneva Dunsany.”  

Claire felt her throat go dry.  “Dunsany,  as in Lord Provost of Edinburgh?”

“My Father.”  Geneva tilted her head and waived over a server. “And you are?”

“Dr. Claire Beauchamp.”

“Doctor! How extraordinary!” Geneva declared.  “What field did you receive your doctorate?”

Claire pressed her lips together and took a glass of champagne from the server. 

 “Medicine actually.  I’ll be a certified surgeon before the end of the year.”

“Oh.  Well, that’s wonderful.” Geneva’s eyes sank to her drink, taking a sip before beaming at her again. “Goodness, that must have taken a lot of time.  I’ll finish my BS in Philosophy this spring.”

“Do you know what you wish to do after college then?” Claire asked,  grateful to be back in familiar territory. 

“Oh, no.  No plans yet.  I’m sure I’ll work for one of my mother’s philanthropies before long,  but the main goal after college will be getting established.”

“Established?” Claire quirked an eyebrow.

“Married, of course. I’m turning 22 soon.  I can’t very well wait much longer.” She chuckled.  

"I see."  Claire felt as if she’d stepped back into the 18th century. Not knowing whether to pity the young girl or declare her delusional,  Claire decided to play along with her madness. “Who's the lucky fellow?”

“No decided winners yet.  Though I have one in mind.” Geneva’s eyes turned slowly back on Claire. “Men can never be rushed into these things. My mother says they're like temperate horses.  Sometimes, if you want them to behave and follow you,  you need to let go of their bridle and let them run free a bit.” 

“Very sound advice,” Claire muttered. 

“Yes.  Though,  I do wish he’d hurry up sowing his seed amongst the wild mares.” Claire watched Geneva’s eyes turn cold, as a tremor ran down her spine. “You’ll return James in good working order, I trust?”

Claire was grateful for the shadows in this part of the room,  hiding the redness creeping up her neck and her hands clawing into her elbows.

"Excuse me?" Clare spat.

“Oh listen to me. I meant to reassure you there were no hard feelings.”  Geneva tipped her head and bit her bottom lip. “Be sure to enjoy him while you have him, Claire. He’s an awfully good ride.”

Chapter 8 Part 2

[skarsbill-blog]

Forbidden - Chapter II

Chapter II! A little more character development but for the most part, it’s a long one and we’re getting in to the story now, and getting to the bottom of what exactly went down between Bill and Vida, and where their feeling are at now. Please let me know what you think so far! I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who reads so I know to do more. If you’re looking for the first chapter, I will be posting all parts to this under the ‘Stories’ link on my blog. 

Happy reading! 

It’s been a week since my move and I feel as though things are finally falling in to place, I’m feeling a little more at home. My apartment was completely unpacked and seeing it clean and free of cardboard boxes made my heart swell with gratitude at how grateful I was to be able to have such nice things in my life. My new apartment was gorgeous, beyond anything I ever thought I would ever be able to call my own. A four-bedroom dream home that featured dark brown, matte floor boards that covered every floor in the house, apart from my bathrooms where marble tiles took over from the floor to the ceiling. All of my walls were true white, my kitchen all white with marble bench tops and all of my furnishing either grey, white, silver or marble as well. My environment is important to me, this felt pristine and pure, crisp and perfect for me, perfect for my fresh start.

Today was my first day in my new office, and weirdly enough I wasn’t nervous. I think having gained experience with the company and the role already, this was just a matter of a change of scenery and people, which I could handle. I got up, put on my face, dressed myself in a loose black soft cotton t-shirt that I tucked in to a high waisted, ¾ length black skirt and accessorised with some black around-the-ankle strap on Lou B’s, a gold chain and a gold watch. Going to work I liked to keep it simple, and although my whole environment was a true reflection of how much my soul appreciated light, I truly loved wearing black. I grabbed my bag, my keys and headed straight to my car, knowing very well I had to allow PLENTY of time to get to where I was going in this city.

I parked in my designated spot and made my way in to the elevator, up to the top floor of the building. The office space was beautiful, luxurious, like they always were. I spent the day mostly introducing myself and building relationships with my new colleagues before attending all of my afternoon publicity appointments. While writing for Vogue as an expert in mostly styling, fashion, makeup and trends, I was always allocated a role in supervising photo shoots as someone with an eye for what will look good amongst the pages of our magazine. This also meant that I had the opportunity to meet a lot of amazing people, from models, actors all the way to people who did amazing things for the community.

Today’s shoot involved a male for our Hottest Man of the Year issue, I had no clue who it was but the title of the issue they were chosen for says a lot about the kind of person they would be. I entered the studio, introduced myself to the team and began discussing plans with the artists and stylists on set, trying my best to get a feel for the vision so that I could make accurate judgements on what needs to be done to achieve it.

“This all looks awesome, I’m loving it so far. So who is our model today, because truthfully I have no clue.” I laughed with one of the photographers and he rolled his eyes at me playfully.

“This year the lucky gentleman is none other than Alexander Skarsgard. Gorgeous if I do say so myself, very tall.. kind of weirdly tall.” He trailed off and I laughed, before completely coming to terms with name that came out of his mouth.

“Alex Skarsg.. fuck.” “What?” “Nothing! Nothing, I’m just going to check on everyone and make sure we’re all on the same level with what we’re after today, good luck with your shots.”

Alex fucking Skarsgard, why is my luck literally maybe the worst of anyone’s ever? A week in to my move and an encounter with a Skarsgard is the last thing I need. I began trying to figure out how I was going to make my way through this without being seen, the only people who knew I was back were my parents and my brother, and that’s the way I’d prefer it to stay while I’m finding my feet. I never even completely wrapped my head around what happened between his brother and I, and to be honest I don’t want to. It’s too painful to think about, and I know very well how seeing Alex will make me feel.

I manage to lurk in the shadows during the whole shoot, giving my opinion only when needed and staying quiet every other time, daring not risk him noticing me. The shoot finished and I snuck out and back to my floor before being seen, relieved as soon as I made it inside the glass walls of my office, in disbelief of the bullet I dodged, and what a large bullet it was. I got straight back to work, answering any remaining emails from the day, sending off final editions to articles and making sure everyone had what they needed before making my way home. Engrossed in my inbox, I heard my door open and assumed it was one of the girls bringing me the final copy of their piece, instructing them to leave it on my desk and to have a nice night.

“Thanks, but that’s not why I’m here.” I froze immediately, my neck going hot at the sound of the voice in front of me, afraid to look up.

“Alex.. wow it’s so nice to see you, what are you doing here?” I looked up at him, puzzled, cursing at myself for obviously not being discreet enough.

“You really thought you could get away before I noticed you, I noticed you five minutes in to the shoot Vida, I know that face anywhere.” He smiled down at me, and I stood from my desk, giving in and smiling straight back.

“It’s so nice to see you Alex, truly” I breathed, walking around to give him a big hug, “I’ve uh.. I’ve moved back.” I looked at him, waiting for his reaction.

He grinned, moving over to sit on the lounge in the corner of my office as I followed, “You have? That’s awesome, Bill will be happy with that.”

I swallowed audibly at his words, shaking my head and looking down, “I’m not so sure about that Alex.” I laughed nervously, playing with my necklace and thinking back to everything that went wrong as soon as I left, thinking back to my relationship with my best friend completely falling apart.

He smiled and took my hand, holding it and offering me a reassuring look, “It was so good to see you Vida, congratulations on all of this incredible success, if anyone deserves it it’s you.”

“Thanks Alex, and same to you of course, you big movie star.” I laughed as I stood up, walking him to the door and farewelling him with one last hug.

 What weird afternoon, I thought to myself as I fell on to my couch in a heap. While I can’t deny that seeing Alex had me shaken, I also can’t deny how nice it was to be in his presence, someone I grew so close to, being almost like a family member to the lot of them after knowing Bill so very well. Everyone knew the whole Skarsgard clan was full of lovely people, and there were never truer words spoken, I just wish things didn’t have to be snuffed out the way they were. On my way to run myself a rather large, extra bubbly bath with my extra full glass of wine, I heard my phone ring. Deciding almost instantly to ignore it, I continued on and spent the next hour thinking of every aspect of my life, making realisations and deciding what to have for dinner before hauling my ass out of the bath and in to the fluffiest bath robe I could find.

Knowing I couldn’t avoid checking my phone any longer after hearing my message tone three more times while bathing, I put the kettle on and walking straight over to it.

What I saw on the screen made my heart drop, I literally questioned whether or not I was hallucinating. A missed call and three text messages from none other than Bill himself. I stared at my phone like it was an alien, forgetting how to use it completely and unsure of how to make my brain start working again. I sat down slowly on the couch, first listening to the voicemail.

“Vida, it’s Bill.. in case you don’t have my number anymore. Alex told me you’ve moved home? I was so happy to hear, I was wondering if we could maybe catch up, I have so much to tell you and I’ve missed you s-“ he was cut off by the end of the message. I sighed, knowing this would happen and resenting the fact that it did. I had nothing to say to Bill, all of this makes me sound so angry but I’m not, I was done being angry a long time ago, now I’m just sad, hollow, disappointed and over it.

His messages were all similar, asking to see me and begging me not to avoid him because he knows I’ll try. I sighed, deciding to ignore the messages for now, needing time to think about how I need to answer these, well enough the first time for him to understand that I don’t want to go through this again.

The next day was thankfully Saturday, and I completely intended on doing nothing but sitting on my couch in my comfiest clothes, and doing absolutely nothing. I ended up mustering the courage to reply to Bill, confirming with him that I had moved back and that I needed time adjust and just be with my family. I was honest when telling him that I wasn’t really ready to see him and that I was still hurt by everything that happened. I hadn’t heard back from him, and hoped that this meant he got the message and was going to give me the space I requested.

It was around 5pm when I heard a knock on my door, assuming it was the food I had ordered I naively opened it, hating myself for not asking who was there first. There stood Bill, in all his gorgeous glory, looking down at me smiling, waiting for me to invite him inside. “Bill.. what are you doing here? How did you know where I lived?” I asked him, frowning, bordering on completely creeped out.

“Your Mum told me,” he smiled, moving past me in to my home like it was no big deal, “I know you asked me for space, but I know you would try to avoid me forever and I won’t let that happen.” “Bill, why couldn’t you just understand-“ “I understand Vida, but I don’t accept what you said, because I missed you so much and I’ve hated myself every day since we stopped talking. We were supposed to be there for each other, and for all of that time we weren’t, we were like strangers..” he trailed off, visibly upset as was I.

Seeing him in the flesh, right in front of me, made it hard for me to control my emotions. I began tearing silently, letting a few escape as I thought of what to say.

“Bill, you have no idea what you put me through, you ignored me for months, you pretended I didn’t exist. Don’t you dare come to my home, and act like this wasn’t all you!” I sobbed, visibly upset, feeling my sadness slowly turning to anger faster than I could process.

“You were the one who stopped answering my calls and texts. You’re the one who told me it was best if we stopped talking, what the fuck made you do that? What happened?” His eyes glazed over with guilt and sadness, but before he had the chance to speak I stepped in again,

“You have some nerve, waltzing straight back in to my life just because I’m back and you know you were the one who did this to us. Well I won’t let you, I finally have my shit sorted out, you destroyed me once and I won’t let you do it again.” I was back to sobbing like an absolute mess, staring straight in to eyes that were once so familiar, now I didn’t recognise them at all. ‘Vida.. please, I’m sorry, I swear I had reasons. You have no idea what doing that did to me too, I thought of you every second of every day, I-“ “Leave, now. Leave my apartment right now.. and never come back” “V,” “Now Bill, I’m serious.” I stood planted firmly in place, throwing daggers at him, completely serious and ready to call building security.

“Just know that I did it all for a reason, and that I want to tell you everything, that I’m sorry and that I just want my relationship with you back. You’re my best friend..” He trailed off, finding no sympathy from me, my body language completely defensive and dangerous. He frowned and walked away, closing the door softly behind him.

As soon as I knew he would have been in the elevator, I fell in to a ball and cried all of my hurt out, or at least attempted to. In complete disbelief of what just happened and what I had done, I went straight to bed, knowing very well that dwelling won’t do me any good. I had been here before, and this time I wasn’t staying.

[tokyoknj]

a load of tags! ✨🌟☀️

lmao i was busy doing uni stuff but now i finally got round to these so Enjoy !

obviously u don’t have to do all of them just do whatever u feel u kno? anyway

i’m tagging u all up here lmao so i’m tagging @namsieur @wingscomeback @sugaegyc @sugasideup @sheloveskook @cryptidhobi @gaycypher @namjooniewifey @iluwonho @jiminsarroz @stigmz @dreamjimn @mochiminii let me know if u don’t want to be tagged in stuff like this !! 

get to know me tag

answer the 20 questions and tag 20 followers that you would like to know better.

i was tagged by @monnyoongi​ thank u zuza!

name: alice

nickname: i don’t really like any of my nicknames? lmao

zodiac sign: cancer

height: 5′8″

orientation: A Whole Bi

nationality: british

favourite fruit: mangos! 

favourite season: either summer or autumn

favourite flower: either roses or tulips

favourite scent: like just a fresh summer evening lmao

favourite colour: pink, red + orange

favourite animal: sharks !

average hours of sleep: i think 9?

favourite fictional character: clarice bean

number of blankets you sleep with: always just the one

dream trip: either dubrovnik, mykonos or the amalfi coast

blog created: last april

get to know me again

rules: answer 30 questions & tag 20 blogs you would like to know better

tagged by @yoongicrew​ thank u rena !!

1. nicknames: still none lol

2. gender: female

3. star sign: cancer

4. height: 5′8″

5. time: 4:24 pm

6. birthdate: july 21st

7. fave band(s): bts, blackpink, red velvet, lany

8. fave solo artist: gallant, Queen CRJ, kehlani

9. song currently stuck in my head: saw you in a dream - the japanese house

10. last movie watched: spiderman homecoming and i Loved it

11. last show watched: first dates

12. when I created this blog: last april

13. what I post: 95% kpop, 5% aesthetic

14. last thing I googled: “that flute song” still don’t know what the song is. its not mask off tho

15. any other blogs?: my aesthetic blog dadcrisis that i’ve had since like 2012... christ

16. do you get asks?: not very often but its all good

17. why I chose my url: i love mister rap monster

18. following: 919

19. followers: 809

20. fave colours: pink, red, orange

21. average hours of sleep: 9

22. lucky number: 8

23. play any instruments?: drums

24. currently wearing: my pyjamas xoxo

25. how many blankets I sleep with: just one

26. dream job: oh idk. charming radio host probably

27. dream trip: just v scenic places across europe

28. fave food: any cured ham... Hell Yes

29. nationality: british

30. fave song currently: you better know - red velvet

kpop q’s

tagged by @teambusan​ thank u sabes xoxo

1. who was your first female bias?

i think it was jennie i was very late to girl groups lmao

2. who was your first male bias?

namjoon.... what a guy

3. who are your current biases? other than the above:

johnny, jinjin, rosé, jiwoo, wonpil, dahyun, luna, jooheon, shownu + dean

4. in the entire kpop industry, who is the closest to your ideal type?

probably shownu... like he’s a sweet n humble dad who is just also fine as hell... thats what i’m about ! also jennie like she’s just Gorgeous™ like i would lay down my life for her in a heartbeat tbh

5. have you ever attended any kpop concert / fanmeeting / fan sign?

How Dare You

6. if yes, which group / artist? how was the experience?

i cannot believe this disrespect

7. which group /artist would you like to see live?

bts, blackpink, monsta x. day6 !

8. how did you get into kpop?

my friend showed me fantastic baby (lmao) when we were like 15 and then i dropped it for a bit but then i saw a dance practice for no more dream like last year so now i am Here

9. who are your otps?

whom????

10. when did you start to ship them?

🤔🤔🤔

11. what is your favorite fanfic genre?

honestly i’ll read whatever turns up on my dash as long as it’s not involving furries or anything Truly Nasty

12. what is your favorite music genre?

pop has and always will be my fave but i like other stuff too ofc xoxo

five things tag

Rules: you’ll have to tag 15 people at the end of this challenge

tagged by @cypherpart420​ thank u linsey ily!

five things you’ll find in my bag: purse hand sanitiser keys vaseline water

five things you’ll find in my bedroom: Trash Mountain nik naks fan approx. seven 1d posters radio

five things i’ve always wanted to do: go to glasto ! go on a trip just to look at palaces across europe lmao see bts ! adopt 2 dogs and live my best life go somewhere with a really clear view of the stars and just Cry

five things that make me happy: family dogs my pals xoxo listening to music baking

five things i’m currently into: fake nails crafting my Brand lmao big brother hydration arrested development

five things on my to do list: embark on my Fitness Journey get my professional blog going plan what i’m doing for my bday get a skincare routine get money

once again, get to know me

i was tagged by @parkmochibean​ thanks natasha!

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST: 1. drink: water 2. phone call: my sister 3. text message: my friend explaining exo sub-units to me lmao 4. song you listened to: young & free - xiumin and mark 5. time you cried: probably looking through val from bake off’s insta she’s just the cutest 6. dated someone twice: no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: yep ! 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: only my whole uni career 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: only twice i know my limits now lmao

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: 12-14. pink, red and orange

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: ofc! 18. found out someone was talking about you: yes lmao 19. met someone who changed you: yes 20 found out who your friends are: yes  21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: no

GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them 23. do you have any pets: no :’( 24. do you want to change your name: no i enjoy her 25. what did you do for your last birthday: went for afternoon tea w my family 26. what time did you wake up: 11am its summer now i do what i want 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: idk chilling i guess 28. name something you can’t wait for: my birthday !! 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like an hour ago 30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: idk if i’d been confident Forever i think that would be pretty good? 31. what are you listening to right now: faking it - kehlani, lil yachty, calvin harris 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes 33. something that is getting on your nerves: my older sister she’s just so Loud 34. most visited website: this or youtube 35-37. lost questions?? 38. hair colour: brown 39. long or short hair: i want long but i’ve got medium rn lmao 40. do you have a crush on someone: no 41. what do you like about yourself: i’m good 2 my family and i think i’m quite nice? tbh? 42. piercings: ears + nose 43. bloodtype: idk yikes 44. nickname: none lmao 45. relationship status: Single™ 46. zodiac: cancer  47. pronous: she/her 48. favourite tv show: bojack horseman, rpdr 49. tattoos: just one (1) 50. right or left handed: right 51. surgery: on my hand and i was awake for it but they played me some 1d so it was chill 52. piercing: ok i literally just answered this 53. sport: thats cute 55. vacation: just various fancy places across europe before brexit ruins that free movement 56. pair of trainers: i only wear my adidas but they’re on the verge of death now rip

MORE GENERAL 57. eating: werthers originals i’m a nan 58. drinking: water 59. i’m about to: go tf to sleep 61. waiting for: my birthday lmao 62. want: money and ideally a job that looks promising 63. get married: Who Can Never Be Sure? 64. career: either radio or social media 

WHICH IS BETTER 65. hugs or kisses: hugs 66. lips or eyes: eyes 67. shorter or taller: don’t really mind 68. older or younger: older 70. nice arms or nice stomach: also don’t mind lmao 71. sensitive or loud: sensitive 72. hook up or relationship: relationship 73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. kissed a stranger: yes 75. drank hard liquor: yes 76. lost glasses/contact lenses: my first pair of glasses... rip 77. turned someone down: yes 78. sex on the first date: no 79. broken someone’s heart: probs not? i hope not 80. had your heart broken: no 81. been arrested: no  82. cried when someone died: yes 83. fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. yourself: Always ! 85. miracles: sure why not 86. love at first sight: no 87. santa claus: he’s doing his best 88. kiss on the first date: sure 89. angels: idk?

OTHER: 90. current best friend’s name: robin 91. eye colour: green/blue 92. favourite movie: i’m basic it’s love actually

shuffle tag

tagged by @kpopeyton thank you !

rules: you can tell a lot about a person based on the type of music they listen to. put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

wake up alone / amy winehouse

first love / bts

pyramids / frank ocean

i didn’t just come here to dance / carly rae jepsen

girl girl girl / triple h

21st century girl / bts

you better know / red velvet

wolves / one direction

coffee / miguel

view / shinee

[yumenosakiacademy]

Me.trocon 2017 Day 1

This is a diary for future me bc i like to keep my important memories preserved to read abt later n stuff! uh.. feel free to read if ya want i guess or ignore but it’s just me in-depth talkin abt what i did today n what happened to me, negative n positive! [peace sign] Cosplayed: Tsuka.sa Suou in his summer uniform

okay so i got mcdonalds for brunch at like 1 after i left my house and dad dropped me off to go get registered and all and after leaving registration to go get myself a Schedule, someone stopped me and said “oh my god can i take a pic of you?!” and i was so surprised that someone recognized who i was but i said sureso they pulled out their phone and they had a ku.ro k/iryu phonecase and i was like “!! KURO !!” and i talked w them (they were cosplaying the human lady from the ma.id dragon anime) and they had sooo many en.stars charms on their phone and i was like “oh my god you’re into en.stars” and i asked if they were doing okay in the event and they said their cards were too weak and that they only had 1 five star and i was like dude that sucks! but i had to rush to the UT panel so i said bye to them and they said they were gonna be shinkai on sunday so i’m looking forward to that!

so i went to the UT panel and things were kinda annoying bc some alt. au sans kept asking lots of questions and making commentary tly loudly and sometimes answering questions like they were part of the panel?? i think even the panelists were kinda annoyed of her... and she’d be like “aww un.dyne u didnt do my dare [mutter] but u did theirs!!” but i dont hav much to say abt this panel tbh

so i went to the bl.ack but/ler panel and apparently the original panelists didnt come so a group of bl.ack butler cosplayers (a ciel, seb, alois, and grell) along w two random girls and a Shiro ran the panel but usually the audience was talking over them bc everyone was kind of joking around and thngs were more chatoic and casual than a normal panel but i talked to the pidge abt random stuff and we talked abt their wig (which they took off bc it was itchy lol) and how we both didnt sleep much last night and we kinda became friends n talked a bit 

and then i left the BB panel and had a LOT of freetime so i walked around the dealers room/artist alley (mostly in search of ES merch) and i found a rei cosplayer and i was like “wow i like your UNDEAD itabag- wait ur cosplaying rei arent you?” and they were like “yea, casual rei haha” and i was like “HOLY FUC can i take ur pic......” and we talked abt en.stars for a sec n i was like “im cosplayin tsukasa!” n they were like “i See that” and i told them i was on the hunt for ES merch and they pointed me in the direction of the other side of the dealers room and said there was an idol table that had a box/boxes full of ES merch and the table was blaring idol music so it was Noticable and i was like “HOLY SHIT im gonna go get some charms thnk u” and had i not noticed that the rei n their friend seemed to be semi-busy i probably wouldve tried to talk abt ES w them for a while aa...

SO ANYWAY i found the idol table and there were 3 lil boxes of ES charms/buttons/etc and a box of i/7 charms/buttons/etc so i looked thru them and ALL THE STUFF WAS SO CUTE KRHNRGHB... but it took me abt an hour to look thru everything and pick out a natsume keychain and a mika christmas keychain but while i was there i was like.. bouncing to the loud idol music (they didnt play en.stars music but there was id.olmaster music i think and LL music) and the girl from earlier that took my pic (erin is her name i believe) and her friend and their other friend (?) who was umi came up to me and said hi again and looked at the charms (erin said she got a shu button and a lot of kuro merch tho, and she spent most of her money for the day lol) and i talked to them abt the things in the boxes and en.stars like which boys we liked or not (erin said she found ritsu annoying bc i showed her a ritsu keychain) and i gave erin and her friend lollipops and eventually left (the booth had 3 ES plushies and the 1st ES artbook w the cgs and va comments in it btw but i didt get those) and im debating going back to that table for a chiaki item or midori item.. maybe bc im tryna save up for a pillow or plushie i rly want

so i went back downstairs and saw the ann i first spotted near registration when i got inand i was like “oh!” but i sat down near them bc playing ES and putting my charms on my bag was more important and a lance asked me if i was yuki from tsu.ritama and i was like “nope! En.semble stars” and the shiro was like “OHH!!” and i asked the shiro n matt (they looked like matt but it might hav been a different character) if they were into en.stars and they said no sbut the matt said “all i kno is that eichi is Bad” and i was like “KJRGNRB YEA.. HES EVIL HES BAD YANNO THAT ;BABY BOY. EVIL.’ MEME? HES THE EVIL PART” and the lance kept laughing and i was like “he messed w ppl and kinda maybe emotionally abused someone hes No Good >:0″ but i told em that en.stars has a translation n stuff and then a serena helped me put my natsume on my bag 

and before i left i wanted a pic of the ann and akira but then i noticed there was a Makoto so i wanted to take their pic but after i did the makoto was like “YOURE COSPLAYING FROM EN.STARS ARENT YOU...” n i said yes and they squealed and said they were into ES and i hugged them and they showed me their mao itabag and apparently the ann and akira were into ES as well so we all laughed abt ES and i learned that makoto hates rei bc i said reis one of my best boys n makoto’s friend said she liked rei too and makoto groaned and i said “he’s hot!” and maggie (the friend) was like “yea!” and akira’s fav waskeito n he was like “i’d hug him. i’d kiss him. i’d spicy w him” and they were like “THOSE R GOOD UR VALID” when i said chiaki n ryu.seitai were my favs but apparently they had friends who loved chiaki too bc the akira mentioned it and we all laughed for a sec and makoto and akira said they were gonna be the tori n eichi at the en.stars panel on satudrday and i screeched and ann called over a DAN!akira she spotted (i took a pic of him earlier) and so he joined our lil hangout group and we all spotted a Joker akira so ann was like “...if i yell ‘akira’ ya think hell come over here” so i was like “let’s all yell it on 3″ so ann, DAN akira and i all yelled “AKIRA!!!” in unison and he came over and took some pics w the others n took a pic of me and i took a pic of him then he left but the DAN akira stayed and i gav makoto, ann, and DAN akira lollipops and we all hung out and ann and the umi from earlier (who was apparently their friend) danced to LL songs bc ann started dancing to em for us and before that the akira and makoto left and eventually the akira left until it was just ann, umi, and i w them dancing and i spotted my irl friend lynds so i said hi bc she was playing cards w her friendgroup then i said goodbye to ann and umi bc i wanted to find the wataru they mentioned they saw (erin mentioned it earlier too)

and so i walked around 4 a minute b4 the next UT panel and didnt find the wataru but oh well so i went to the 2nd UT panel and it was still p boring and the annoying chick from earlier was still there and some girl behind me was loud n had a handclapper toy they kept using and i hated it but w/e so after i left that, i wandered around a bit and eventually went to the phantomhive ball and mad.ame red (who was an ichigo earlier in the day who helped the ppl do improv for the BB panel for a sec b4 they had to leave) saw me and we kept talking and i was like “is this.. an actual ball or a Panel” and they said a ball so i was like “oh god” but they were rly sweet to me and tightened my tie and we talked abt our previous cons and who we’re gonna cosplay tomorrow and i also talked w their un.dertaker until the doors to the panel opened but un.dertaker n  stood in the corner n i didnt wanna slowdance so i called dad to pick me up, wandered around the con n played ES, then left at like 10 pm!

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

ACCA 2 | Nanbaka 16 | SGRS 16 | Marginal #4 2 | Classicaloid 15 | Blue Exorcist: Kyoto Saga 2 - 3 | D Gray Man Hallow 1 | ReLIFE 2 - 6

The idea for D Gray Man Hallow from now on: Once all 2016 shows are done (rewatches or not), expect the 2016 ranking.

(ACCA 2)

What in Dante’s Inferno? I’m properly listening to the OP as it was intended in the anime…and it doesn’t quite look like what I expected.

I don’t like tomatoes, so no bread for me.

This is a cute…albeit unconventional way to introduce the series’ core concepts. Also, acorn berets.

Kabocha = pumpkin, while murasaki = purple. That’s made from purple lettuce, so I don’t blame ‘em for calling it that.

Mushroomhead = Rail.

I thought ACCA paid really high if he got cigarettes for free.

Oh no, is Nino going to go against Jean?

Bihinshitsu = equipment room.

2m 22 cm is over 6 foot…wow.

Walnut-topped cake filled with nuts.

The systems managers seem really incompetent…I suspect something’s up.

The guys all deilberately seem to have the same face.

A-hah. As I thought. (Dang you, title spoiler.)

If this ED were to evolve, it would be even better than Yuri on Ice’s OP. (That’s saying something.) Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be happening…

Doesn’t seem like there��ll be any title spoilers next time either.

(Nanbaka 16)

I’m less likely to skip Rin! Rin! Hi! Hi! than some of the other Ops when I’m watching. That does make it slightly unwieldy as a rewatching show, though.

“Wow, he’s trash.” – Dat me.

Samon has a brother?

In a world full of filial piety, the worst one can do is to insult someone else’s family.

I’m not very good with “kept secret” stories, which is why I’m trying to do “Next to Me” well enough…at least to my standards, anyway. My standards are very high, you know.

They must’ve done something to the snacks…

(Showa Genroku: Sukeroku Futatabi-hen 3)

The fireworks are so lifelike in this ep!

Daiku Shirabe…I found out about the story from an ANN article, so I should’ve seen its appearance coming…“Tamaya” is something you yell during fireworks displays. Apparently it was the name of a fireworks company somewhere along the line.

The flattening refers to how Yota had to bow for forgiveness, but I think I kinda explained that already.

“Shinuchissei”…Yota seems to slur the end of his sentences.

I actually went “WHAT?!” at Yota not being fazed by the big daddy boss.

Note for later: The baby (I heard his name was Shinnosuke) was born November 23rd.

The jazz soundtrack really sells this show.

...so this is the rant from Daiku Shirabe. It’s fast (compared to even the usual), but it has lots of heart. Plus the showcasing of the tattoo really did its significance justice.

I think the bridge is called Matsubashi (Pine Bridge).

Yota could’ve fabricated the shaking of his hands.…wow. Yota has such yaoi hands. Just what you’d expect from a former BL artist.

I thought Yakumo was more of a cat person. Whose dog is Hanako?

Aw. I felt sorry for Matsuda, even if I have a suspicion he feigned those tears. Well, regardless, now I know Matsuda has grandkids anyway…so win win.

I knew he was either summoning the master Sukeroku II pissed off or Sukeroku himself.

“Tou-chan” was an unexpected nickname I didn’t think Konatsu would use.

Update: I thought about it, and even Shinnosuke’s name takes after the legacy. Remember? Sukeroku used to be called Shin! 

(Marginal #4 2)

One of the things that makes this show stand out is the space-styled episode titles.

Ooh. Pretty cherry blossoms.

Pan shots. Of course.

I know this isn’t the sort of show that gets too much coverage, and I even think it looks a bit ugly at times (not to mention a bit weird) but when you’re not caught up on most of the other big idol shows, this is the best you can do.

I think game boy (orange twin…er, aka R)’s trying too hard with his terms.

Now that Atom is talking about heart, it really does look like he’s a Toshiki Masuda character through and through, although he doesn’t look very angry when he sounds angry. I’ll chalk that up to the art department.

“Don’t think, feel” seems to be attributed to lots of places, so I don’t know the original source. However, since game boy (um, aka R) cites a movie star, it’s apparently Bruce Lee (if my Google-fu serves me right).

L makes stuff sound deeeeep.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Rui wasn’t surprised by the juice.

Atom is such a Ryuu sometimes...

…okay, enough with the underwear jokes…The twin jokes are a bit weird. Plus the ships can be smelt from a mile away…but that’s not enough to save a show.

“Ore-sama”? I only just realised Atom uses such a term.

Enough about the lucky underwear! *flips table*

Oh, I saw Ayanokouji in the background at one point.

I’m with Rui most times, including the need for deduction.

I’m still questioning the sanity of someone who wrote an entire episode plot about lucky underwear.

Alright, since I feel brain dead after that, I’m going to drop it, meaning ACCA is the show that forges ahead. Well, I’m lucky I was hoping to watch FLCL to fill in the gap once I’m done with my 3 remaining rewatches at this point in time (ReLIFE, D Gray Man, Morose Mononokean). The latter two will have, from ep 7, fresh impressions, so hopefully you can look forward to them.  

(Classicaloid 15)

Selfies: a worldwide phenomenon…I never got into that stuff, but if I were to analyse ‘em, I’d say they tap into the human need to be self centred.

There’s something sad about seeing someone rejected, eve if that someone is a piece of trash like Sousuke…

The game the Classicaloids are playing appears to be a game of Life.

Unfortunately, Kanae’s right…again. Sad life for you, Sousuke.

Motz literally became a flippin’ Akoya, right down to wearing a dress. Plus, the Amazon brigade came back.

Aw, I really felt for the glasses guy, even if briefly.

“Basics of Programming”? Don’t need that for Garage Band, Sousuke.

Hanted house and cosplay café...

…eh? Tchaiko still calls herself a former member of Cla:Kla?

Oh. I never realised until now, but Hamamatsu + festival (matsuri) = Hamamatsuri.

With that song (Sousuke’s song), it’s a sad blooper reel.

(Blue Exorcist: Kyoto Saga ep 2)

I got a wallpaper of Shima trying not to laugh (it was from the official Blue Exorcist anime page, but only for a period around Shima’s b’day). So this ep is where it comes from.

“Bon” means “young master” anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

“…a herbal tea antidote…”

Kyoto is meant to be the imperial capital…at least around the 1700s, it was the imperial capital.

Mamushi means “pit viper”. She’s not one to mess with.

He’s got some reflexes, that Ryuji.

Uwabami is also a type of snake…I forgot which one though.

Wait, Uwabami’s the man?! Uwabami was a woman in Oumagadoki Zoo…

Seriously, are they all getting drunk on juice…? Oh, okay. So that’s what happened.

(ep 3)

Rin’s shirt says “Sankyu” in goroawase and English, LOL.

Even if you love weeds, please don’t smoke ‘em, kids.

I thought Rin was going to pull a Shaft head tilt out of nowhere when he looked back at Konekomaru.

Update: For efficiency, the tag for this one is “Chesarka watches AoEx”. However, I don’t normally refer to it as such. I’d probably refer to it as “Ao Eku” if I wee speaking (due to the season 1 DVD extras), but “Blue Exorcist” is the shortest mode of the name I’d use in typing format.

(D Gray Man Hallow ep 1)

I am familiar with this source material, so do be aware of that. However, I didn’t finish the anime the first time around, so do be aware of that too.

Sometimes the art style for this anime can be a little off. The noses can be a little too pointy and too close to the eyes, so on and so forth.Allen doesn’t even look like he’s blushing with this art style too…that’s a bit of a disappointment.

Even the golems have it in for each other…LOL.

Johnny has apparently been stealing the spotlight for quite some time, but I haven’t noticed it all that much. Probably because I read volumes 21 – 24 in one go…

I think.Cross Marian looks more like Grelle (Black Butler) than ever in colour.

Why does Lenalee have such a short skirt?

When even the masked guy has a sweatdrop, you know there’s trouble.

(ReLIFE ep 2)

Unfortunately for Kariu, I understand there is no “next time”…

I’ve found out even at 18, people don’t judge two people of different gender sitting together eating lunch…of course, cultural standards notwithstanding.

Stud earrings are fine if you play sports, I think.

According to Google-sensei, it’s only about $11, my country’s money. It’s not that much if you work…but knowing Japanese standards (which say you should focus on getting into uni before getting a job), it does seem a bit much for someone who doesn’t work and doesn’t get any allowance. So in a weird way, it does make sense to me.

...but you took Kariu’s hand when she offered you the rubber, Arata?

Hey, that joke was in Erased too.

Kazu-kun = Karamatsu…kinda. LOL.

I always seemed to understand Hishiron, and yet also understand Arata to some extent too. Maybe I’m the perfect in-between for these two. Probably because I tend to break off friendships as soon as the year ends, and yet prior friendships are a core part to my social strategy.

Unfortuately, the downside to “minimalistic” is that it’s obvious when it goes off model.

LINE sticker…LOL. LINE’s very popular in Japan.

(ep 3)

I’ve wondered whether Yayoi Sou is a lady or not. Considering the circumstances, it probably is that Sensei is a female.

Hideyo is the dude on the 1000 note, obviously.

Ah…fitness tests. The bane of youth. No one says “stupid loud” though.

Oh. Tamarai’s there around the time of Asaji’s throw.

Lookit that rabbit on Usa-sensei’s shirt. No one says “crazy athletic” either…you outdated subbers.

Akira (Inukai) is kinda like Yurio, come to think of it, eh?

Didn’t you just say it yourself (about you being old) though, Arata?

Yoake literally had a blank face there, LOL.

There appears to be a Sato GP on the way to Aoba. Huh.

Ah…a show’s a real classic if it makes you laugh every time…

(ep 4)

Where’s the guy who does sad interpretations of OPs and EDs? (This guy.)

I know your feels, Kariu. (see the Tumblr debacle for an instance of this)

There appears to be something about whales near the fishtank.

The cityscapes in this are so nice.

There’s a map of Japan on one wall of Kaizaki’s place.

Go forth, young Kariu! Pick up your fallen balls! (teehee)

CGI balls, LOL.

It’s creepy (but also dramatic) when the lights of the eyes are the last to move.

(ep 5)

Sumire! Her name means “violet” (the flower).

There are some nuances lost in translation, like yappari and the levels of formality…but those are typically lost.

This “lecture” is probably the highest point you can get in the show (so far). It’s times like this you can really see an author’s strengths in storytelling.

The piano really sells the Hishiro/Kaizaki meeting.

What a strange angle that “lean to the left” shot is.

I’ve found out swear words have a lot of leeway when it comes to levels of “oh no”. These swar words include yabai and temee. Due to the context of Wan! and the fact it was Chuuya who kept using them, I went with the nastier variants [in my scanlating days] but sometimes a non-swearing variant is enough. However, kirai (to dislike) is pretty nasty if you use it in Japanese.

Kaizaki’s delivery of these lines really sells their comedic effect. The electronic keyboard makes it sound like night, but also makes it sound 1) like night and 2) creepy, for some reason.

Freeter is almost as bad as NEET, Kaizaki.

There appears to be a 100 man (10 thousand) coin bank behind Yoake, which makes that...1000000 yen. (chorus in back: One million yen?!)

(ep 6)

Apparently someone tried to type the same Japanese words into Google and didn’t get the same results, LOL.

Hishiron uses a Mac, LOL.

“Thanks for having us” probably isn’t the right words for it. Ojamashimasu means “sorry for intruding”, but it sounds heavily formal when translated, so I can see why the subbers did what they did though.

*laughs* MDs (minidiscs)? I know what they are, even though they’re meant to be completely dead by now. Apparently they’re a product of the 90s that never caught on..although I admit I’ve never used an MD in my life, let alone held one. It does kinda look like a floppy disc, though. (chorus in back: You poke through old stuff too much, don’t you?)

Those fadeout cups are so cool! I want one.

Ah, maths. The sad thing about my life is that up until a certain point I was good at maths. Then the hard stuff came up and I started to fail.

I thought it was Third Street Oga was talking about, but it’s 3rd chome, sort of like a suburb.

Knowing An, she may have deliberately put Oga out of the way for her own purposes…if you know what I mean.

CGI car just ruined the suspenseful mood, dangit.

Sometimes I just turn off my volume and turn on some music on Spotify. That way, you can make your own soundtrack.

Why did Arata have such a dumb face in the thought bubble?

Wow, she’s a real fujoshi, that one [An].

“Dude”? I cringe so much at her use of it, despite the fact I use it myself. 

You liar, Onoya. Knowing who subject 1 was means that I know they couldn’t have even thought about that part…

[castlehead]

Intermediately, the great grand thing  Spoke in and out of hearing, sometimes with                                   Barely a voice to rest on, if that       Bright commodity upstairs had anything to say       About it, but then the work —Delivered the right themes at the right times: and then, All that simple dust ploughing our vision so long, when in our way                   We accuse the blur rather than look at it like a uh     Lost dog, or than find it a path-always to Clarity, clout, the work, that is, made there—right there—in the crease of an eye A great grand thing         of a work:                    It was the result of banging the symptoms Dry I suppose, till my throat ran out of moisture To sing with, having dealt with symptoms long enough, Wanting cores: this magical thinking came with it The familiar frustration with anything too                       Much of a lie to take seriously anymore, or anything Based in lies, lies on thoughts of a thoughtless Public, so I thought, at least as to the livelihood of its artists, that is,; Pah!    When really the reign of The Public,    if a reign, must Be doing something widespread right! OR   Heck, nobody might’ve found out abt it yet, How wrong it is: society to this day is Just as unalterably plural, more so, even,                       Than it was, and remaineth just as Strong: it makes me think that, well, huh, this moment today: I am a part of that:

Of ashy morning skies lit by noon,             By fanatical jaws of light themselves

More Phoebus than Phoebus, at least, By Stevens’s hijacked terms: I think it’s the name

Of a sun-goddess or something. I am apart from My own parochial—or quaint maybe

Is the better word—schemes, not needing me

To bloom electric spires in formidable concerns About the state of poetry in order to be myself, that is

If family knew, would you [I] lose that name; Would the foils snigger at your befallen Ill, claim ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT

IT? Twist me then if they do, twist Me in that way of the whirling

Buddhists [Dervishes] or something, on The short gradation outside, there

An illustrious haunted mansion, there, of some Reference: to be explained later, partly;

Seen only once, in the eyes of a pigeon That yu see, there, outside the window Of yr [my] decrepit sanctuary . . . . .

A flower grew in lungs that is bouquet By now. Almost went sere and riven by The stark yet careful doubt some shade / Of                      Freedom greeted it with, ill-fated: it welcomed It pursue freedom to the end of uncertainty,   But this was driven by my own promise               And my responsibility therein got us nowhere. First Of all, it couldn’t be a challenge like it was, which Would imply the possibility of the winner having Something to brag about, a superficial upside if any. The Entrance into                    This orbit, hidden somewheres in the aging crabgrass of failure Is best revealed to a sceptic like me, I’m ready, I thought, bragging: But like my prior corpses I’d left to mulch, I was Burnt to death, dry throat made driest at the root, thirsting for The other better-quenching bc—so elusive—root of my problems:                       I was evil if I did not win the war; I’d be a martyr if I did. What a choice! Well: the calyx shattering and the waxing stem      Hath blended in my lungs both love and hate For this stately shadowy figure I weave that is myself.               And now has bloomed to things of magnificent smoke Overcoming the weakness of that starting sarcoid Rose; and I spoke a jungle through the drowning rain of it. And sorrow poured in drops of shattered leaves, And in my fist were incubated pearl, which As seed was not mine to give but mine to take: Some sphere of spectral emptiness, like smoke,                   It became,—the figure; to warm within a heart Like mine that everlasting sight of idiom, inspiring as     It fell thru love and hate and even flesh,                    Really, landing on that precious emptiness Like a stuntman leaping to find his pillow. Wakened I though in remorse, to an apologetic bower:     It turned out I was not The Chosen One:             My comforting patterns, shades of things, here in my head, instead, Were thrown back at me, and I entrusted strictly to mycellf, to feed No others dead w/ my pittance of alimony, only I to kill Myself with overkill, this time,             Tho, I thought my muse not poisonous but alive                         Once more, more than ever, and I trusted this hunch: That anyone’s muse is forever of a manic phoenix-eternity, tho Considering proof of this, merely what             I hath sampled some of briefer craft than this: I am hearing searing laughter from Crane’s Broken Tower now Where levels to the top are mere dusky climes for the end of logic     Everybody knows, my vision of my fate                         To foggy up and stew aloft debris around: I was anyway to drill My foggy mind to dimness despite all the warnings, weaker, weaker seeing any Aim for it at all that meant enough for what I had withstood When standing dying in a solitary wood                          Like some obstinate pillar of some house, laden    With vine. I made the aforementioned pearl Be what broke, so freed myself from blame, not to avoid disrepute but                          So I could free the dirty flowers too, In my lungs, wanting voice for me for So long, and who venerated me—          Like as if they were the children of my pulse of Vividness— My entire culminating imagery I play at paste to make—the one thing this all Means—so I cld free them from the furtherance                        That yet sadly gave them life, I know not how: a choking grip           By the burly, hairy hands of that arrogant demiurge in me, the one That haunts the viney manse with his smokey palings                            That I saw once in the pigeon’s eye; thereupon bursting With unhealable tremor / A worldwide armistice could not provide With peace. So leave me to my solitary lease, With my fracturing of pearl and idiom / And blend again What cannot be controlled, o shadow-figure of my Dreams, or of something else I do not want to know.             It is as if the sun had got too bold To with its burning laugh not sere all the cowards!— As swinging go the falling bells I know                        Not where. so whether this, imagination’s       Curl, or swerve, or wave, could shove me sideways from the better Word I’d use if I’d had room, I take the thing that comes, as carnival;              I take the hitching strands to my whatever. A girl is In each refractory parting of each pome, almost like that infinity I saw.      When by that black hole I—       smoldered in my cheap oneness, while The infinite sat there mute, unchanged. And my lungs hath stirred   A partial requiem for that hurt in place of having nothing, Though that loss partake of soul, despite,—consumes / What’s horrible to           Head, and makes it horribler; yet which insistently tells me of                                        Some mournful finery: as would                  At first, maybe bleaken my candor, with my trite reactions To the imagistic foliage; or come across as ‘soul-baring’— Too emotionally populous to get it straight— Rather than bleed pollinating thoughts immediately For glinting miles, for flowers, unfolding flowers,                            The genus nameless, and that yet I see ahead, for          In reality, an evolving subject, and Imbued in all, however most don’t notice it at all. Anyway                             To call the rain in showers some drained corpse, To give up & pile the soul on ruddy hills of rudiment, a dull Betrayal of the abstract dream, using those sacred tools th. while —Of a personal inwardness, run by the impetus Of possibility, to one day harness guts and mind a single steed;                    All of this to me appears to rhyme With madness. Shall I say it is a shape, this noble with ignoble?          Shall I recourse to nudge on my knee                   Of flowery rhetoric against yours, like a jerk?           It is more than flowery rhetoric. No. To whisper bangs of sunlight on the pearl again, takes bravery;                     That is, despite assumptions it no longer Is, I know, it hasn’t yet drained all the fuel from Her, misbegotten, mixed, expressionistic metaphor, the damned clever girl,              And which in craving for a soul of flowers forms a soul; Does this detesteth not a thing? And petals, leaves, Falling, are they king? I find more in the verbs my doing              Does, than on the page: an act to harp Away somewhere, you kno, into the buzz Afflicted ears despair to feel and hear, I guess, I guess. These girls, each of them crumble, and beauty the veneer                      For havoc. And I have no choice To see but what I see and when I do, In spite of darkness cold that silence Calls to you: a smallness in the violence                      Of each retracted word in mundane conversation; Or each morose conniption in the heart an explanation Must entail, so one’s neighbor might See their situation valid: for I define myself                     With breath and breath and beat and Beat of brain, will hoard all, for am sensitive to All, I value all though; including sublimest terror, Will stand them on my shelf like books. The terror doesn’t Bond a minstrel, troubadour ARNAUT at least came close; Nor any songster huffing on about himself and nothing else. But she                      Who speaks to sing her chances by the floe Where Orpheus responded to the wind, And hears some most unpeptic echo there, risks upon Herself the assuming of a dissipated character, wearing-down her days alone, While the rest go to their doom, thinking they are right.                     That tired nature speaks in raspiness. I would endure the dullest fellow’s bliss To spawn my own, for it would be the same. An animatic masque Is all in the World who praise doing a task            For the sake of peace, for that it not haunt them any longer,                               A mansion in the woods.                 Their daemon is not: but is stuff made up Of ghosts that dog a thought, without knowing what it is,    Themselves not there; they are ghosts. And step by step, These theorizers corrupt slowly and neatly          Their emanating voice until it is shrill whisper,                            Which after all wld come to any who rely On meekness to get by, as if contentiousness Were too much a risk: like, about anything: but it is                    A serious / Pleasure, something            Maybe, touched and felt certain: rarely does that bless us: So then to be not, most of all, uh, not Resigned withal the creaks of footsteps, or standard leaks Thru standard floors, is most important thing. They all of them, I too- -Make a ‘bash’ of the solitude I love alone for none.                   Except in the former’s case is bashed its helpfulness; The latter, a bash, a party in my skull, my truest friends, ideas I have invited. They go away, the others than oneself, I mean to say, not like oneself:           They go to find where people haven’t yet gone, with a— Distaste for the supreme fictions they find resultantly, When really there is nothing other that poetry Can meet so head-on as illusion. It is considerably seen         In figuration, and mocks the human tongue Like it were doggerel, inviting but more limits to the truth,— With this futile other-vision of systemic truth, as makes parade                    Of what is no garbage certainly in its puerile    Purity, I mean, there is, as ther is in      Any language as might try to get beyond itself,—o stiff sophomore,           You, as others, and as I do, tho it’s worse for me, Since I don’t know it, think I am ‘above’ it ‘at this point’—turn and turn      In bed, thinking about what’s in yr head, when it doesn’t, nevr will, exist,—

When these findings in the garbage are no garbage, mostly, but where hides The revelatory Entrance To The World, or some other thing unfathomed. But’s thorough as a view through clean windows seen. Recalleth yr weathered                              Dreams to paradigm And moment, and the still image you get breaks sheds   Of different happenstance and cruel device From the actual thing you’re giving an account of. / When burrowing                        Into the head to find the waiting Mushrooms there, stuffed beneath the dirt—that is— Before they’re found by pigs of someone                        Else who might sniff out yr Myopic Self               And know where not to look—you can easily get sniffed-out By the pigs, (since all people are themselves a good idea) then- -Clamped-down on by their teeth, then tossed behind their shouldrs     At their faceless master holding a sack—you with the rest of their findings,           If you give up, / A pretty shitty experience, besides relief                            I guess, somewhere in yr heart, in finding out where you are, Since nobody who pursues a thing, anything, can know that,     Where they are, it’s chase or else quit  The chase, rub your eyes and realize your color-consuming geography              Like a realist painter, but of yr own pastels of experience; No longer be a space cadet, but be without the once-widespread you had. Tho if you don’t like that reality but go for it                    Anyway, then turn back, if even for one moment, you Will suffer the gaze for just that one moment of the clarity,                              Ere the complete destruction                Of all the deliciously unrequitable higher purpose            In you you had. Then you should probly just work for The Post Office. This packet of information, let it be forgotten.      Left to blight…                        In shiversome implicative doubt-paths. This is my sternly-worded war with Voice: I can hear its vocal cannon-fire Struggle to usurp whatever hocks out the quaked shallow hollow of my throat       And a crippling volley of gunfire somewhere piercing me In the exact place where peace is most necessary.            Elsewhere I am violent in the realms of quell of soul,       Struggling to fight life itself to life. And for peace, they are, though, two diff. things; are           Somewhere picked in froggy-smelling      Legions of bombast and bad attitude. One can Whiff the stink of existential pang and long-parched effort, But done up to be a song, it still succeeds And honors—godly paradoxi; I pull the meaning up By straps of liquified boots by the gnash of crud And sharp shale-particle.    Maybe that’s the smell.         My thought-factory     Raises its ranks up the totem / Of production, meets my salutary                  Pride of finally doing this for me at the top, Like it usually does: I think this is a pome: But it is not final, as no pome shld be. I guess it is A seizing up despite nought there to      Seize, despite that my muscles are soup: the act a making of the thing, Divided by art, equals opus, a ripe conclusion staved           Off so long: a relatively swell                               Commitment to the job of making and                     A hurtle towards the carrion and guile, A victor running rampant  on the buzz of his own smile. This is— Evaded wisdom, now, for the sake Of running after something, ha, ha. Now to bother sorrow,              Again, to make my comfy stead, as usual: there’s ended                            Days, sure: I quite before my mind begin,       A lot. Yet I force no falter, merely fail, Tho exert. Elsewhere were made a few thoughtful stains Like this one, trying to unify. That now                    Relic, flew alone once, before                          A state of eyes no glare could rob a layer From knew what familiar objects liked to be to me, and sniffed me out.        Damn pigs. Damn pigeons! This fear like darting from the light Is a concealing of my practices, fearfully shy for them, for what they were                 To me was too embarrassingly close to my heart         As my very guts of trial, of joy, and —Of experience. Yet if at my own behest I might Make less tearful miles of lines           Each year, I might ask the other in me Why she wants no poetry any longer: you know, poetry about Th causes made to shed themselves spontaneously, Once pointed out on a map: would that be deceptive: A focus but of the original expression I had                     On what is far away from it, and that into still more dissimilar                                     Parts but so far away as even to come back     To what I had meant to start with simply by going Around the back of my head, like a Christopher                                     Colombus of the psyche, except I don’t destroy civilizations of people: wow, That comparison really gets me between with— Myriad confusions: foolproof,   Each one is a name for the one contained within, so                          The Christopher Columbus metaphor might      As well equally mean twelve diff. other things. Could I suffer the claims of others That I was meaningless? But all I think of is                         A nakedness of elsewhere. No mind            Could stitch that together stiff. And do I want to be stiff? In that case. Well. It is all more nebulous than one possibility. That I know. Made of self-scorn                  And acuteness   Of the mask, tht possibility could wire blackly                 Over a cynicism well as much a poison To the secret-snatchers who thought they Got it: oh, those foolish others: news for you, I knew not what I         Saw either, yet took the rest                                As what I did, but plainly, as an object,           Any, dissolved it all in rightful substances                   As anxious as the tears blurred once the sight.                                      O what by salty   Stain upon one fraction of the book           My eyes made many, took a few revelations Within their tombs, hied from my glare forever. Mere chaos, maybe; to                             Become a unity                    The message, old and dire,                                           Curbed too much . . . .