#if you haven't been chosen then something horrible is happening to you and you can't explain it. i bet it gets to all of them

[youssefguedira]

something so fun about the uncertainty and ruthlessness of tog's immortality. they mention it directly on screen even. "none of us had a choice," "i don't want this, there isn't one good thing in any of this," etc. there's the horror of surviving everyone you love and like. you don't get a choice it just happens to you whether you want it or not. none of them know why, or what's happening to them, they just have to make the best of it (mileage may vary). doesn't matter if you had a family or a life or something you couldn't leave behind it doesn't matter! it doesn't care! this is what you are now! and you're not even invincible you still die over and over again but you just can't stay dead and even THAT'S not certain. perhaps if they had been chosen for a reason they could make some sense of it but they don't KNOW. all they have is what they make of it

[bonny-kookoo]

Yoongi

𝕸𝖔𝖔𝖓𝖑𝖎𝖙 [Like A Secret] Short

Where have you gone? Why did you go? And most importantly- why didn't you take him with you, when you promised to always stay together?

Tags/Warnings: Werewolf AU, Alpha!Yoongi, Omega!Reader, Spin-Off, Angst, hurt no comfort sorry

!!! This is set prior to the main story !!!

Length: 1.5k words

There is no taglist for this fic!

A/N: Kids wake up it's time to cry. Basically I've gotten a lot of asks what Yoongi's problem is in Moonlit- maybe this clears it up a bit.

-> Masterlist

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"It's cold." Yoongi says, watching your wolf curled up, sleeping, waiting, just like him. Sometimes, in these dreams, it snows. Other times, it raind- just like this time, water drenching the soft coat of the animal laying in the grass. You don't answer, and he doesn't even expect you to anymore. You never do. Or at least- you haven't done that in a long time.

That's how his fated dreams always go, after all. That's what they look like, when your chosen mate isn't there any longer.

He sighs as he walks closer, even though he knows you won't move. It's still better than nothing, your sleeping wolf is much more comfort than what others might get. And yet, it's also a curse- confusing him to no ends, because if your wolf is still there, you can't be dead. So where are you?

Where have you gone?

And why didn't you take him with you?

You promised him, after all. You promised to always stay together. And maybe, in a way, you're keeping that by at least letting him keep those dreams, even if they're empty.

He'll wait for you.

And even if he waits for the rest of his life-

he'll wait.

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The pale blue moonlight looked beautiful on your skin.

You're from the mountains, where snow is typical and sun is rare. Maybe because you'd outshine it- maybe the sun simply won't show itself because it knows it would not stand a chance against your smile.

He knows he will forever be haunted by it.

"Now you're stuck with me." you'd grinned at him. He'd smiled down at you.

"what a cruel fate." he'd joked, forced a laugh out of you at his typical attitude even despite the clear happiness shown. He'd never admit to anyone how hard he'd fallen for you- your simple presence enough to brighten his day, and offer him comfort like nothing else ever would.

He remembers the traditional festival held during full moon.

He was young, not even leader back then. He didn't know that only two years later, his father would leave the pack entirely alone to work in the cities, no alpha in the pack ready to take on the leading role- leaving it to him, with the support of you, to somehow work it out.

And work out it did- until you left.

Vanished.

He should've been more attentive. He should've listened to you more- but god, there was so much going on around him, so many things changing and happening and weighing him down, that he just couldn't concentrate on your worries as much as he really should have.

He feels horrible for it. He remembers you waking up so many nights, terrified, basically panicking, unable to quite describe the dreams you were forced to live through night after night.

Maybe he never asked either. Why did he never ask?

Omegas aren't that common. Betas make up the majority of werewolves.

There's so many legends and rumors about omegas that it's hard to keep track of what's true and what's not. Some things are clearly fictional- but with others, it's not quite as clear. He remembers how some say omegas can dream in a way that might predict certain future events- and at this point, he grabs after any straw he can.

Maybe you dreamed of something. Of your own demise, maybe?

The night before you left is still heavy in his mind. It weighs him down, has turned into his own nightmare these days, replaying again and again and again and he wishes he could change just a single thing about the event. But he can't.

You had woken up, yet again. But this time, he didn't stir. Didn't move. He knew you were crying-

but he left you alone.

And when he woke up, you weren't there anymore.

Leaving him alone instead.

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"You're so cool, you know that?" you'd said, giggling at him as he'd pulled a shirt over his head to cover himself, having just returned from a playful hunt with other members of the pack present at the new moon festivities.

It's the second one he's spending with you. This year he'll take you with him.

"And you're a creep, not even waiting for me to change." he'd growled back, however with no bite in his tone whatsoever. He knows you can take his tone. You're a lot tougher than you look.

"heh, nothing I haven't seen already." you'd shrugged, jumped down from your little rock before you'd kissed his cheek. "Will you give me something pretty tonight?" you'd asked him, and he'd rolled his eyes.

"I don't have to court you." he'd complained, grumpy as always. "we already fucked."

"Yoongi!" you'd gasped scandalized, had hit him playfully- though he'd laughed at your embarrassment.

You were so cute. Bubbly and almost innocent. He hates how that had faded with time.

Was it his fault?

He should've protected your smile.

"...I'll think of something." he'd admitted, and you had grinned brightly, hugged him to kiss his cheek-

But he'd been quicker, had kissed you deeply, uncaring of anyone seeing you both together.

Back then, he was wild. Untamed. Without worries- nothing but a young werewolf, playing around, enjoying his youth.

Not even five years later, he would be sanded down to nothing but an overly serious young adult, leading a pack he never wanted, living a life forced upon him, without any guidance and without anyone at his side. Barely past his mid-twenties, and yet without any youth to enjoy any longer.

What did he do to deserve this?

He can't think of anything, neither can he find anyone to hate for it.

And maybe that's the worst part of it all.

"Yoongi.. you'll never be able to untie that knot." you'd laughed later that night of the festival under the full moon, the music and people moving on in the background while he'd led you out the woods for privacy.

"good." he'd said, had traced his fingers over the bracelet around your wrist, a single sanded bead of wood and simple leather string. "I don't plan on it." he'd told you- his own wrist wearing the same bracelet.

A symbol of your partnership. Bound to one another, for now and forever.

He wears it to this day, seven years later.

it was meant to last forever, after all.

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His first decision as an alpha had been, to grant an unfamiliar runaway omega from the woods a home in his pack, despite what everyone else told him.

He saw you in her. He still does, sometimes.

Now she's leaving.

Just like you did.

History repeats itself over and over it seems like, everyone he somehow cares about leaving him alone for one reason or another. It doesn't sting as much this time- mainly because jungkook is a capable young alpha, able to do what he himself couldn't for his own mate back then. This one will listen, this one will stay, protect, and fight.

He didn't.

He would, now.

But he knows himself that there's nothing to forgive when in the end, he would probably do it again anyways.

You're like a phantom limb at this point- gone, but still hurting, mind not comprehending that it can't even hurt without your presence there, three years not enough to heal him. But it does, the remnants of you around him constantly pushing salt into his wounds, never to scar over and at least let him rest.

No.

Because he's dreaming of your wolf again- and again, she's simply sleeping. Waiting.

Just like he does.

This time he's silent as he sits close to her, let's the rain hit his own body as well. he doesn't mind it. You liked the smell of it- before it would rain, and after it did. He himself didn't understand it. Not until you'd explained that it reminded you of him.

'Something that seems like a bad thing- but actually isn't.' you'd said.

if only you knew.

And in this dream too, no one moves. No one returns. No one talks to him.

And maybe that's fine, too. Or is it?

Suddenly, the rain starts to fall stronger than before. The wind stills, but the night darkens- just as the head of your wolf rises, the omega watching something in the distance he can't see. He wants to ask, but he's scared to-

he's terrified.

Especially when your wolf stands up, stretches, forces him to get up too as he walks with her- but she doesn't wait for him.

"no-" he breathes out, realizing what she's doing. She's leaving him.

She's leaving him.

And as he watches the wolf walk through the trees, slowly getting swallowed by the forest surrounding the meadow he dreams of every night, he's left alone. This time, truly so.

You're gone.

And all he can do is fall to his knees, forced to accept that.

[spoofymcgee]

i just finished watching the power of three and. i didn't like it.

don't get me wrong, it has plenty of delightful moments. it showcases beautifully just how impatient 11 is, just how unwilling to stop moving and running. it's strange how he still feels so fresh and new half a season from the end of his run.

kate is, obviously, incredible and i would die for her, and the sweet little moments between her and the doctor, the doctor and rory, the kitchen scene with rory and amy, all of those were lovely.

but this episode feels like it's designed to hurt you, to set up the devastation of the next one. i haven't seen it yet, but i know what happens and.

i don't mind that it's there to make the next episode hurt. i don't even mind how unsubtle it is about that–this doctor's run i think has a very serious problem of talking so much about the themes and how cool it is rather than showing them, but that's another post, and i can set that aside.

what i do mind is that. there's no point. it's a big, flashy, dramatic, horrible sendoff for the ponds, when approximately three seconds ago they were ready to retire from travelling, to be normal. and then, totally against everything they'd been doing and saying, they went back. for really no apparent reason other than they suddenly want to when there's no setup for that.

and i think it's for two reasons.

the first one is that this whole run has no fucking clue what self-restraint and consent and respect for other people's boundaries are. you can see that in so many places–from the beginning, how the doctor doesn't give amy a chance to change out of her nightgown, the way she kisses him and keeps doing it even though he's trying to get away, the way they have her choose and commit to rory and then turn around and make rory weirdly possessive towards her, as if without him stopping her she would go and do who knows what with the doctor (who. isn't interested? stranger in a strange land much?) the weird bit where the doctor keeps asking rory if he can hug amy, and not asking amy. right up until the end–amy's chosen rory so many times now, and she has to prove herself again and never stop proving that she'll choose him over the doctor, despite that they're married, despite that she picked him. the story won't stop punishing her for being interested in someone other than him at the beginning.

and that's just off the top of my head. this whole run has basically no clue what consent is, and is operating on a very outdated understanding of boundaries.

so what follows is that the ponds can't choose to walk away. the doctor will keep running towards them, they can't choose to leave because we think the doctor doesn't have the ability to respect that boundary, so they have to want to stay, because otherwise. well, he wants them to stay. needs them to stay. he can't let them move on. but the doctor is the good guy, so we can't go there. so the ponds have to be put permanently out of his reach, because we don't know what self-restraint and respect for others is.

which is just fucking uncomfortable.

the second reason is why i think the power of three is mean.

and that's because it's for the shock value. it's for the flash, it's because we can't let people have a happy ending, a quiet exit in this show. they need to go out with a bang, they need to be ripped away from the doctor, it needs to be dramatic and tear-jerking and what does it matter if this is telling a sound, good story so long as we can keep it loud enough to keep people's attention?

because the story being told here is that traveling with the doctor is an addiction. you either kick it or it eats up your whole life and then itself and you're left with nothing. travelling with the doctor is something that chews you up and spits you out and kills you and steals you out of your life and won't let you go back. only the doctor needs someone with him, doesn't he? isn't that what we've talked about so much? what happens to the doctor, to the universe, when the doctor goes alone?

so that leaves us with an endless parade of people marching to their doom to protect the universe from the doctor and who he becomes without them. which is a story that fits, technically. the minotaur in the maze, snapping up innocent people and emptying them out and filling them with prayer and waiting for it to all end. the doctor in his box, sweeping people out of their lives and filling them with adventure and wonder and sacrificing them to stop himself from going mad.

and i hate that story. i hate it so much. i hate it if it's on purpose and i hate it more if it's by accident, if they stumbled into that by having a flashy no-substance exit for amy and rory.

it's every take i hate on the doctor, it's the antithesis to the first message amy's arc had to say: the doctor is ancient and the doctor is alone and the doctor is kind. the doctor doesn't let other people keep hurting when he can stop it, even when it makes him not the doctor, even when it's the worst thing he's ever done.

just. i wish amy and rory had been allowed to be normal, like they wanted. i wish the doctor could have dropped in on them occasionally for dinner, or stayed away if he couldn't. i wish that they could have had a happy ending instead of a bittersweet one that leaves a sour taste in the back of my throat when i think about it for too long.

[ratwhsprs]

A glint of cold steel flashes in the dark, horrible pain exploding in your ear as the edge of a blunt blade digs into flesh and cartilige. It burns something fierce, all the more painful thanks to the chilly night air Gotham is famous for. That coldness is nothing compared to the callous gaze currently watching you scream in pain, teeth set in a perpetual grin as sound creeps back into your reality but with one exception - you can't hear your rats anymore, or anything else for that matter.

Send my muse an anonymous nightmare. || Accepting!

Not again– Not this again, please–

Of course, like when it happened the first time, his pleas fell on deaf sadistic ears. This was a punishment. Pleading turned to screaming as the blade carved into his ear, one he suspected was chosen specifically to cause as much pain as possible. Compared to the cold night air, the blood leaking down his neck was burning hot, dripping over the collar of his coat and staining the shirt underneath.

It hurt– but he'd lived through this once, right? He just needed to keep talking to–

What– where were his rats?? He'd told them to stay away from the building but he'd still been able to hear them– eyes wide, he stared up as Black Mask, throat stinging liked he'd already been screaming. What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM, YOU–

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Otis awoke with a sharp gasp, a sob caught in his throat. Several rats were nosing at his face and hands, pawing at tear-streaked cheeks. They shifted only as he sat up before they gathered close again. Otis felt his hands shaking as he recalled that sickening pain, reaching trembling fingers up to trace the notch cut into his ear. There was no blood on his skin. It had only been a dream. His breath hissed through clenched teeth as he choked back another sob, forcing it into a scream that echoed off the damp stone walls, as if that would drive off the awful recollective nightmares once and for all.

"HAVEN'T I ALREADY PAID FOR THIS?! LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU UGLY BASTARD!"

Furious, terrified words faded into silence and he curled up, back against the wall as he did his best to stop the shaking of his shoulders. His rats crept closer, clambering up to his knees and shoulders, nestling in his arms and coat. Soft whispers drowned out the sharp thoughts, reassuring in their familiarity, helping to ease his hyperventilating into deeper steadier breaths. He didn't plan on going back to sleep… but at least rest might come easier with their presence.

[sanini-panini]

OKAY LAST ONE I THINK but. friends off tumblr threw questions at me from this oc ask game and i'm cross posting here for funsies (part 5). this one is also for all nineteen guys, but it's a lot easier because i have a chart of these since it's relevant to the soul hunt arc of karai's chosen.

🙉 HEAR-NO-EVIL - what is the worse thing your oc could hear from someone?

THE ENNEAD

jinal - i talked about this already here! the tldr is "you're keeping the others here, condemning them to hell along with you."

haku - "you're just like the necromancer." when the necromancer told haku about his plan to reset the universe, haku immediately rejected it--but a small part of them understood the reasoning. they hate that part of them with a passion. now luckily, peter says this exact thing to haku in canon, as ill-advised as this sounds. peter actually beautifully dissects haku's thought process, so i'll let him do the talking:

“Ten years ago, you violated your own rules, though, didn’t you?” Peter said slyly, circling the soul splinter like a snake surrounding its prey. “You sacrificed ten innocent mortal lives to save your family from prison. You changed your definition of an acceptable sacrifice, and that still scares you, because now that the line has been crossed, you’re afraid you’ll keep going in that direction until you become exactly the villain you’re fighting against. After all, that’s exactly how The Necromancer was born.”

minerva - "you are a self-centered leech." which is basically what jinal said to her right before killing her for the first time.

ven - "you have not lived up to the opportunities they gave you." related, of course, to the fact that ven was raised by minerva, jinal, and kai, and she cannot help but feel like she has let them down. (she has not) (she really has not)

kai - generally speaking, the ticket here is the insult mateen used to break kai right before killing him: "promises are cheap, kai, especially coming from you." currently in canon, however, you could probably say something like "jinal and ven are dying slowly and you're doing nothing to save them" and that would work just fine!

mateen - "after all these years, you haven't learned a thing. you still become a monster at the slightest hint of danger to the people you care about." if you want bonus points, you could mention skye.

ridwan - "the people you hold dear are precious gems, better than you'll ever be, and your presence only detracts from their worth." speaking, of course, about felix, jinal, and silpa.

silpa - "you've worked so hard to prevent something horrible from happening, and it's not enough. it will never be enough. it's all pointless in the end." no one had to tell silpa this directly. by the end of the fifty year imprisonment, she already knew it to be true.

felix - "you're dragging them down with your incompetence." the day felix learned that mateen was only doing yaran's bidding to keep felix safe was the day felix picked up this insecurity. it's never left him.

THE NEW GUARD

ilia - "you're just like the Ennead." the Ennead screwed over every main character in the cast by saddling them with illegal powers against their will and ilia doesn't really want to be like that. she doesn't want to be a god--but auster forces her to reconsider.

morgan - "you'll never make anything of yourself. you're trapped, and you'll never escape your father's grasp." she already thinks this on her own, but killing that last little bit of hope in her would crush her.

peter - talked about this here! the tldr is "your death will achieve little, and those left behind will mourn."

juli - "you're a weakling, and if you can't let go of your silly little fears, you'll die in the dirt, forgotten and unloved." i haven't touched on this a whole lot, but juli is afraid of dying... and they think this is a bad thing, bc when you're a footsoldier, it kind of is a bad thing.

lian - ooookay not to be on the nose about this but i think the answer to this is identical to their patron's. oops. "you have not lived up to the opportunities they gave you," in reference to the parents who adopted them out to keep them safe.

joshua - "you're a monster, joshua tenine." next question.

rae - "they should've survived instead of you." referencing the fact that rae and his parents all drowned in the same car, but rae survived because he was chosen by a god, so to speak. haku kept rae alive until help arrived, and rae constantly questions why it was him.

karyme - "you were gifted powers, and yet you haven't lived up to them. you are still useless to those around you." this is probably a normal insecurity to have when you are the only person on the team who both cannot use a weapon and does not have a combat power.

dani - "you will inevitably turn into your mother. it is impossible for you to become anything other than what you were raised to be." i am keeping this vague because i have yet to mention in canon what, specifically, dani was raised to be.

auster - "you're just a liability, helpless to protect those you care about." no one told auster this outright, but he definitely got the message loud and clear over the course of karai's chosen and it has caused him to take some. questionable risks. it's fine.

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

The Memoryglass

[hey fellas. you know how groundrumbler's asexual? he hasn't told anyone the exact reason why, but most bots know his asexuality's rooted in trauma. not sure if my memory's failing me or not, but i remember writing about how his ace identity comes from society as a whole kicking him down.]

[this is not the case. here's the truth, subject to change whether i see fit or not, and whether or not i feel comfortable with it being canon, furthermore if i do or don't feel confident in my abilites in writing the truth behind groundrumbler's asexuality. hell, i might just private the post one day and you wouldn't even know. sorry for rambling.]

[oh, and... seriously. read the tags this time. only warning you now.]

[groundrumbler is seated upon patchwork's examination table/chair. patchwork has been working on an invention that allows himself to delve into a cybertronian's memories. groundrumbler had volunteered to be patchwork's first examination.]

GR: you sure this won't kill me?

PW: near-certain. there's one issue that occurs under a highly specific set of circumstances, but i'll have it worked out tomorrow. i usually do. you know, bugfixes.

GR: yeah... bugfixes... so, how does it work? looks like the other... thing.

PW: yeah, i can't bother to name my tools very well, and i haven't come up with a catchy one for this. i assume you're talking of the processor scanner?

GR: bingo.

PW: certainly does look like the proc. scanner. now, the way this... memoryglass! memoryglass. the way the memoryglass should work is, effectively, it scans the processor of a targeted cybertronian and delves into their memories. the memories can be chosen at will by the one wielding the memoryglass, which leads me to my main issue with... using it on you.

GR: ...mmm. reservations about using it on me due to past traumas. is that it?

PW: am i really that predictable lately?! i need to work on that. no matter! how do you feel about me metaphorically reaching into your library of memories?

GR: ...go wild. don't tell anyone about what you see, or i'll have to kill you.

PW: you have my word. not a spark, not a soul.

GR: thank you, patch.

PW: care to lay down? just in case the memoryglass causes something horrible to happen.

[groundrumbler lays his head down onto the table... more fit to be called a chair, really. that's what it is, after all, examination chair. anywho.]

[patchwork turns the memoryglass on, pointing it towards groundrumbler.]

PW: let me know if the memoryglass causes you any discomfort.

GR: you got it.

[the memoryglass activates, expanding the screen into a holographic selection of groundrumbler's memories. patchwork connects a cable in the memoryglass into a port in his arm, so that he's able to hear the memories without the surround sound. privacy rules.]

================================================

[patchwork, beginning at the least recent end of groundrumbler's memories, selects a memory which contains a cybertronian he's not seen before. a bulldozer, a little larger than groundrumbler judging from perspective. yellower in paint job as well. the two seem to be walking down a hallway. patchwork presses play.]

GR: -please, dude, you gotta understand-

??: understand what? what more is there that you haven't told to me, groundrumbler? GR: [groundrumbler mimics an armpit fart joke.] [the unidentified transformer laughs.] ??: you fragging clown!! [the two laugh as they walk down the hallway. the memory ends after three seconds.]

[the taller bulldozer seems to be femme in nature, both bulldozers sounding rather inexperienced. patchwork wonders what the two were talking about beforehand.]

================================================

[patchwork finds another, less old memory - about 1,500 years younger than the previous, this one also containing the taller bulldozer. she looks rather... mean in nature, judging from her facial expression. he presses play.]

??: why did you do that? GR: ...do what? ??: that little stunt in iacon. you tried to kill me with a casino sign, you little scrap. GR: wh- no! i would never hurt you purposefully! that was an accident, s- ??: WAS IT?! or what, poor timing? you couldn't contact me beforehand? GR: i-it was just a miscalculation in the explosives!! i wasn't thinking about the locations and the power and- ??: stop with your excuses. [the taller bulldozer leaves, closing the door behind herself. groundrumbler collapses to the floor, beginning to tear up. the memory ends.]

[...patchwork is a little disheartened. clearly, groundrumbler and this second bulldozer were related, either coworkers or familial in nature. leaning more towards familial, judging by the fact that only groundrumbler and the second bulldozer could be seen in the room in the memory. they sound more experienced in their work, but not by much. patchwork considers going through groundrumbler's earlier memories later on today.]

================================================

[patchwork passes over a lot more memories, glossing over important events in groundrumbler's operational peroid, trying to find another memory with this bulldozer in it. he finds one after a little bit. the appearance of this one... he can't quite discern from first glance. just a wall, with a little bit of energon on it. this one seems to be a nice 204K years younger than the second memory he encountered.]

[groundrumbler can tell that patchwork isn't going to like this one.]

[patchwork hits play, not knowing what he's going to hop into.]

[the crude sounds of metal slamming against metal echoes throughout the room. both of the bulldozers are quietly moaning. groundrumbler's voice seems raspy, as if he were calling for help, to no avail.]

GR: hh-ghhgh,,.,. s-stop,,, please.... h-hah,,,, ??: what's that, little man? hh. you might wanna speak up. GR: p-please, let me go... it hurts... ??: no, no. everything at work's busted my pistons this stellar cycle, and i need to de-stress! hagh. you wanna help your big sis de-stress, don't'cha, groundrumbler? GR: n-no,,, not like this,,, i can f- ??: be quiet! you're gonna be here for a little while. [the memory ends.]

[ . . . ]

================================================

[patchwork disconnects the audio cable from his inner wrist, deactivating the memoryglass and setting it aside. there's a... empty, distraught expression sitting on his face. that's the first time he's ever encountered such a horrific situation.]

[groundrumbler balls up, scooching away from patchwork out of fear, guilt and disgust. he regrets letting patchwork run amok in his memories. he should've deleted that one.]

[patchwork gets out of the chair he sat down in two memories ago. he approaches groundrumbler, putting his hand onto the latter's shoulder.]

GR: [...he seems to be muttering to himself. whatever it is he's muttering is incomprehensible.]

[patchwork's hands guide groundrumbler to sit up. as he does, the former hugs him. tight.]

[groundrumbler begins to tear up into patchwork's neck, silently sobbing.]

PW: ...i'd like to schedule a month-long therapy session with you. you have no obligation to attend if you don't want to.

GR: [he sniffles.] ...i'm sorry, it's just-

PW: you don't need to be. i have many thoughts about this, i will level with you, but you don't need to hear most of them. i will not delve any further into your memories without consent beforehand, groundrumbler, my apologies-

GR: no, no, it's [hic]- it's fine about the new gadget,, i just couldn't find the bearings to talk to anyone about it for so long... please... please, i'm sorry about all of the red herrings, i just could-[hic]-n't talk about that... too personal... so sorry... [he breathes.] please, don't tell anyone about... that. i can't,,, [grovelly hiccup], not about her... not like that...

PW: you have my word. i'm not going to tell a single spark or soul until you can tell me you're ready to talk about it.

GR: thank you... so much.

[they hold there for a while.]

GR: ...patchie... pat-pat, everything feels weak. could... [yawn.] could you go grab my blanket? it's all... colorful and comfortable.

PW: yeah, i can. here, lay down. [he removes his hands.] anything else you want?

GR: ...no. you're a doctor, not a butler.

PW: [he chuckles.] alright. i'll be back in a minute. [he exits the office.]

[groundrumbler yawns again. he... fears his sister, yeah. can transformers do that? have sisters? no, biologically, that's probably not possible. though... he does. and he fears his. only one of them. and still... she's... he shudders at the thought.]

[groundrumbler escapes deeper into his daydreams, until patchwork returns.]

[...eventually, patchwork returns with groundrumbler's blanket. it's bright and colorful, has a bunch of rainbows, stars, happy clouds and more that line its surface. it's soft to the touch and beyond. and it's been laid upon groundrumbler. infact, patchwork tucks groundrumbler into the examination chair.]

PW: sleep well, rumble.

GR: thank you. hope you sleep well, as well.

[patchwork nods, heading to his drawing-and/or-working desk and taking a seat, laying his head in his arms and... there he goes.]

[groundrumbler lets his tears run down his face while he waits to fall asleep.]

================================================ ===================== [ later ] ===================== ================================================

...

[the sun is shining through the base. it's all meloncholy. peaceful, one could say.]

[patchwork is sitting in the kitchen with a barrel of coffee, his processor remaining on what he witnessed last night.]

[...groundrumbler peeks out of the hallway, taking a seat next to patchwork.]

PW: ...hey. groundrumbler. are you free to... ah...

GR: talk of my trauma? [tch.] not really. i feel pretty good this morning, though, so i suppose i could give you a snippet of my past.

PW: ...may i jot it down?

GR: sure.

[patchwork places his notepad onto the table. it's... quite empty looking, many pages having been torn out for one purpose or another.]

PW: whenever you're ready.

[groundrumbler adjusts himself.]

GR: i suppose it first begun growing with the time i fucked up the explosives, back in... iacon. to be fair, i didn't have any time to prepare for that mission, but that's no excuse for me misbalancing the explosives. i put too many of them under an advertisement board, it went flying, and almost crushed her. she deflected it with her dozer blade, and she was... yeah, fairly pissed. but... eh. a rift between us grew since then. slowly, but surely, i couldn't trust her and she couldn't trust me. mission after mission, mistake after mistake... i miss when she was happy.

PW: you speak of her in such a bittersweet tone. i apologize, but... what was her name?

GR: ...think it was grindstone. i don't know, can't remember her name very well, but her transgressions are burned into my mind. it's unusual.

PW: quite. who do you hate, specifically, her, or the bot she became?

GR: ...uhm... the- uh, the bot she became, definitely. she used to be so carefree and brash... now she's been hunting me down for as long as i remember. that's why i keep asking you about the little adventures you have the other guys do. i don't want her to catch me.

PW: i understand. don't worry... er, that much, i mean. the boys are pretty tough and understanding, i think they'll know who to fire upon. now, to my knowledge we have two fire-upon-sight members for the wall in bonecrusher's room: a spiderformer and grindstone.

GR: a spiderformer? who, and what reason?

PW: not one we know of as of late, and they may have trespassed on a certain bot in the past.

GR: wh... [he squints at patchwork.] ...footmuncher?

PW: try taller.

GR: roadbuster.

PW: taller still.

GR: ekranotitan?

PW: a little shorter.

GR: rocketjumper??

PW: bingo! fourth guess, too, you're getting better at that. uh, yes, a spiderformer has interfaced with rocketjumper non-consensually in the past, and bonecrusher wants whoever this spiderformer is eliminated on sight. i will speak with him about grindstone, and see if she is fit for the wall as well.

GR: huh... how many tiers does this wall have?

PW, getting out of his seat: i can show you, if you want.

GR: okay.

[patchwork heads to bonecrusher's room, knocking on the door. groundrumbler follows close by. soon enough, bonecrusher responds and lets the two on in, closing the door behind him.]

-

================================================

-

[sorry again if this absolutely sucks and you hate me for it. i don't blame you.]

[minniepetals]

Rose & Thorns: 09

— summary: a lone rose, a little broken, until Jungkook came along and the two of you saved each other. and in doing so, Jungkook showed you a world where he shared with his six other mates.

— pairing: dragon!bts x reader

— genre: fluff / slight angst / poly!au / fantasy!au / dragon!au

— word count: 8.3k

— warnings: none

╰ part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7 / part 8 / part 9 / part 10

"Hi there."

Just two single words are uttered from your lips and Jungkook is reminded of everything that has happened from the very first moment you spoke those exact first words to him.

He remembered those eyes of yours, so lost, so lonely, yet still having that kindness within to try and reach out a hand in order to ease his pain even if it meant just a small dose. Little did you know you'd end up as a true keeper of the dragons, lover to the seven princes of the East Sky and Mountains. But knowing the rewards, in the end, had never been anything you were seeking for at the time, and his heart warmed at the single reminder of how truly kind your heart is. After all, before you could even come to that moment of happiness with them all, you had to face serious consequences all because of that kind heart of yours.

Looking back on it, Jungkook only wished he could have dealt with it all in a better sense. If he were there for you like you were always for him, if he had gotten to his lovers a little sooner to make them see that nothing about you had been false, if he had been there through your pains and tears, maybe you could have reached that dream of freedom and happiness so much quicker.

"Jungkook?" Yet no matter what he thought, you were always there gracing him a sweet smile with such precious eyes that he knew he would forever hold dearly to.

"Back from taking care of the little whelps?" He asked, driving his thoughts away from the memories in order to look at what was in front of him instead. Jungkook knew he couldn't keep dwelling on the past no matter how much it had hurt him. Because here you were, lips curled into a brighter smile and he knew then that no matter what he thought, you'd never blame him for anything.

But perhaps that was what was hurting him even more.

You walked into the castle, feet having light bounces to them with a basket full of laundry. "I'm fairly certain Namjoon will hold an apprentice ceremony for Haeun soon. Who do you suppose her mentor will be?"

He grabbed you by the arm to pull you back in front of him before you could walk right past him without a second thought, surprising you just a bit.

"I'm sure Namjoon will make a wise decision on that but," the young dragon drew both his hands to hold you firmly by the shoulders as he expressed a disappointed face, "don't you think you're forgetting about someone else first?"

You giggled under his adorable pout. "Don't you have to get ready for the afternoon hunting patrol soon?" You reminded him, causing him to let out a grunt.

"Why is it that Taehyung and Seokjin are the ones to have you by their sides every day? Why can't it be me?"

"Kook," you laugh, "you know your hyungs would never let me go out there to support the patrols. For one, it can be dangerous especially for a simple human like me, and two, I don't have a clue on what to do during a patrol."

He sighed, allowing his hands to drop by his side again. "It's unfair. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a warrior."

"Don't say that. The clan has both you and Hoseok to keep us protected and that is something I would never want to take away from you."

"I know. I just want to spend more time with you" He looked up to meet your gaze again. "But for now this will do." Without any warning, he leaned in to give you a quick kiss to your lips, causing your cheeks to brighten in an instant as he strolled away with a giggle, knowing exactly what your expression would show without even looking.

You were too adorable for your own good.

.

.

"Have you ever had scented candles before?"

On one of the rarer days when you were free from your duties and didn't have the little whelps demanding for your attention almost every second you turned your head and Seokjin was well on his own, you accompanied Jimin in the lonely dungeons as he made his rounds as head of the guards, making small talks ever so often.

There weren't many prisoners locked up for their bad deeds just as the time you spent there a prisoner yourself so you knew Jimin often got lonely making his rounds all alone each time. Taking that into consideration, you weren't going to let the opportunity of your free time be spent doing nothing.

"Scented candles?" You tilted your head slightly to the side with innocent eyes that always got him every time and Jimin chuckled lightly after dropping his clipboard on a table from finishing his rounds with you by his side and turning to elsewhere. "I've heard of them before but they don't necessarily exist around here do they?"

"They don't but there are tales of the scented candles being of great help to be of comfort for anyone in need." Your eyes widened at his words, feeling quite intrigued, and when Jimin turned back around with a few things in hand, your breath hitches. "The first person that came into mind was you when I heard about them," he told you with bright eyes smiling as he brought them on over towards the table at the center of the room. You followed him curiously, rounding yourself to stand beside him as he displayed the candles for you. "So I had one of our traveler dragons to bring them back when they had the time."

"Jimin..." You felt so touched by his kind thoughts for you you almost didn't know what to say towards the sweet gesture. But when he graced you with a tender smile upon your gaze on him, you were sure he understood your thankfulness towards him.

"If only we had these at the time when you were our prisoner." His face fell with slight dejection but you were quick to shake your head lightly.

"Having you to help me then was more than enough, Jimin, I promise. Then again," thinking back to that time, you giggled upon the memories, "would you guys have really wasted such precious things on me at the time?"

He sighed. "I'm glad we can joke about it now but looking back at it, we were so horribly rude to you I can't believe I let my emotions get the best of me."

"You were just worried for the little one."

He chuckled upon your words with a tousle to your hair. "I don't think Jungkook would appreciate someone smaller than him calling him the little one."

You gave him a pout. "And why not? You do it to him all the time."

"Because I'm his hyung. Though he does often tease me about it from time to time." You giggled knowingly, already picturing their small bickering when it came to the two of them and their banters. Having seen that, Jimin smiled from where he stood beside you and brought his hand behind your head in order to pull you close and place a sweet kiss on your forehead, surprising you and making your cheeks flare up at the sudden gesture without warning. He found it cute how you had yet to get used to their kisses whether unexpected or not but returned his eyes to the candles despite the shocking state you were still in.

"Shall we try one of them?"

With his question, you blinked in a daze before shaking your head to return to the subject, and with your cheeks still slightly flushed, your eyes darted back to the candles laying on the table. "There are so many different kinds," you observed with a slightly opened mouth of astonishment to which Jimin found adorable.

"I didn't know what kind of scent you'd prefer so I got the dragon to get a couple different kinds."

"Lots of them are flowery scents," you beamed under the lowlights of the dungeon as you went on to pick up the candles in order to observe them up close. Pulling them up close to your nose, you waft at them in order to get a sense of how each of them smelt, your expressions clearly pleased each time you got a new scent to try as Jimin simply stood there watching you, happiness blooming in his chest at just the sight of you so content. "They all smell so great even without it lit up."

Your face fell with furrowed brows as you stared at each of the candles, having a hard time choosing which one to try first and Jimin let out a laugh. "You're so cute," he said. "We can try every one of them now if you still have time to spare."

"I have all the time to spare!" You exclaimed almost a little too happy for someone who had come in the dungeons declaring the desire to help. But he knew that was just the way you were and for that alone, Jimin wasn't at all dissatisfied by it.

"Well then, since you're having a hard time choosing which one to try first, just close your eyes and choose."

"Good idea!"

Upon Jimin's suggestion, you quickly closed your eyes and hovered your hand over the candles, blindly searching over each one before you finally settled with the one to the far right. With that, you opened your eyes again and held that one up.

"Lavender," the dragon beside you stated.

"Lavender's wonderful!" You were quick to say with your eyes lighting up at the chosen one. "It helps relieve stress and anxiety," you let him know and his brows furrowed a little at your words.

"Are you having trouble, little one?" He asked, concerned.

"Oh no, not me," you quickly said with a shake of your head. "I want to share this with Namjoon because I know being a leader to a clan isn't always the easiest. He comes home later than every one of us after all and most times I'm already asleep by then. I haven't seen him around lately so I'm a little worried."

His eyes softened at your innocent kindness that never seemed to ever leave your heart no matter what and for that alone, Jimin almost believed that he was falling in love all over again. "We're so lucky to have you by our side."

You looked up at him and gave him a humble shake of your head. "It's the other way around," you smiled. "Do you think he'll appreciate it? Oh, but you got these for me as gifts."

"Don't worry, it's always best to share gifts like these with each other," he said while gently stroking your head. "I know Namjoon will be more than happy to receive this."

"Then shall we also choose candles for the others as well? I think it would be really incredible to build a storage room for scented candles so that whenever one of us needs it, we can always—"

"Before that."

"Hm?"

Innocently, you looked up from the candles to meet Jimin's gaze only to have your lips captured in a sweet kiss, leaving your breath to hitch and your eyes to widen as you froze right there at the unexpected kiss.

Jimin leaned away just enough to give you some space with a chuckle. "Your reactions will always please me."

"J-Jimin!"

"But," his brows furrowing slightly, he brought his hand over to slowly swipe his thumb along his lip as you simply stood there, staring at those plump lips of his, not knowing what to do, "I want more, little one."

"J.." Your cheeks brightened even more as your eyes were quick to avert to the ground upon meeting his eyes, causing him to let out another throaty chuckle.

"I love you."

He found it amusing in the way your face only seemed to flush even more each time he did and said something. Your eyes were shaking, not knowing where to look, and he was sure your head was swarming with thoughts of how to respond to him. Surely you were panicking upon whether to return those sweet three words or not and it brought a tug at the corner of his lips.

"Well?" He raised a brow, waiting for your permission.

You bit your lip, still contemplating, but Jimin went on to take the lavender-scented candle away from your grasp to place it back onto the table as he inched towards you in a sly manner.

"I..." You opened your mouth shyly.

"Yes?" He urged you on.

"I-I..." You stepped back out of panic but he followed right away. "Well..um..."

"Hm?"

Bravely, you looked up to meet his eyes head-on and Jimin smirked, satisfied with that. But still, he waited to hear your words and despite how slow you were with it, hearing it made him happy nonetheless.

"I love you too." You told him and he smiled, letting his hand trail down your face in a gentle possessive manner before leaning in and pressing his sweet lips to your own.

It's a gentle kiss like the gentleman he is and not long after your thoughts are filled with him and him alone.

.

.

"I can't wait to become an apprentice! I just know prince Namjoon will choose the perfect one for me!"

You giggled fondly at the little dragoness who sat beside you helping you with your duties as the two of you fold the blankets for the whelps together. "But before that, you will have to let him know what you want to be first, right?"

"Ah," she said, almost as if she had forgotten about the beginning steps first.

"Well?" You urged her on. "What would you like to be as part of the clan?"

She looked away thinking, her hands coming down to a stop on top of the white blanket that laid on her lap, her thoughts going on to stray away to the different duties every dragon has as a member of the clan.

"Unnie how did you choose what you wanted to do?" She asked you instead of answering, her decisions still unclear.

"Well," you started, ready to help her to try and decide, "I chose to be both Seokjin's underling and helping out with the whelps because I love helping. I guess it was easy to decide because, for one, I enjoy taking care of the whelps' needs, and two, I'm used to the herbs and remedies as I've often had to learn them myself without relying on others to help me heal when I needed it. Plus it comes in handy when the princes need to be tended to."

"You don't like just watching on the sideline and would rather be of help, huh?"

You nodded with a smile. "Tending to them makes me feel useful. I can protect them in that sense while they help to protect the clan as warriors themselves. I'd hate to just stand back and watch them in pain, not knowing how to help them. It'd feel worse than anything"

Haeun broke into a beaming smile at your answer. "Unnie, that sounds just like you."

You chuckled at her words and went on to tousle her hair. "You'll find your purpose one day soon. Take your time, no one is rushing you."

"Oh!" She let out a cute little gasp. "What if I worked as a caretaker as well? That way I can be of more help here in the roosts!"

"That sounds—"

"No."

The two of you turned at the voice to find Taehyung walking up with a slightly displeased expression as he handed little Kihyun to Haeun before shamelessly pulling you against his chest right in front of the kids.

"T-Taehyung!" You quickly gasped and were ready to push him away at the unexpected gesture. Only he wasn't going to let you go.

"You already spend too much time with my princess, you can't keep taking her away from me. I'm supposed to be the one who spends more time with her than anyone else, Haeun!"

You couldn't believe this was the reason for his refusal of Haeun's help but rather than taking him seriously, the dragoness let out an exasperated sigh as she stood from her spot with Kihyun in hand before purposely sticking her tongue out at the prince. "Sucks to be you then, my prince, because unnie likes me more than you anyways!"

He let out a dramatic gasp with the grip around you only tightening. "How dare you say such lies."

Yet she made no comebacks and simply ran away before Taehyung could scold her anymore.

You giggled at their little banter and turned around to face your lover with a sigh. "I would appreciate it if you kept the affections to a minimum in front of the little ones."

"Why should I? Those little dragons are already trying to steal you away. I'm just marking my territory so they know not to steal someone else's mate, especially one that belongs to a prince."

"You know they're just playing around."

"That's what they'd like you to think, those mischievous little brats."

You burst out laughing at how ridiculous he was, jealous of the little dragons and even having quite the serious pout plastered upon his face. You didn't know what to expect walking into the relationship but even so, everything had been so well you were glad to be able to laugh and smile along their sides no matter how many times you'd get flustered by the things they did.

Frowning at you for not taking him seriously, Taehyung grabbed a hold of your face in both his large palms and brought himself right in front of you, making your laughter cease almost instantly.

"Is it fun making me jealous?" The prince asked with a raised brow, suddenly giving you a deadpanned look you weren't sure what to think. "Hm, princess?"

Your eyes panned away from his out of panic, already afraid to be caught by the poor little dragons in case they stumbled upon the two of you. "Tae—"

"I'm right in front of you yet you're focusing on something else?"

"If the whelps catch us like this, I—" He brought your face forcibly back to face him again with a displeased expression that is quick to bring your voice quiet all over again. "Tae..." Seeing him like that was a little surprising to you. After all, despite the many months spent in the dragon clan, there was still so much you had yet to know of including how the princes would act as your lovers, and now that you were with them, it still felt a little unbelievable they would feel such love and possessiveness over you.

Maybe that was just the nature of dragons. Just as you've heard stories of them being quite possessive with their treasures, perhaps mating was just as if not more important.

Your faces were so close you were sure Taehyung could feel the heat of your cheeks against his palm. It made you even shyer so you looked away, not brave enough to keep eye contact for much longer, and just for that, he let out a knowing chuckle.

"You're so cute." His voice was low, quiet. "I don't want anyone else to see this side to you, princess. You're ours after all, aren't you?"

You ignored his words in an attempt to hide your embarrassment. "Don't you think, um...you're being a little too brave doing this right here?"

"I'm sure Haeun's got us covered."

"That's not—!" You grunted. "We can't let her watch the whelps all alone, you know that."

"Eh," he shrugged, not caring one bit, "she's a good kid. She'll take care of it. In the meantime—"

"Noona!!"

You were quick to gasp and pushed Taehyung away as soon as you heard the young voice calling your name. "Do you need something, Minho?" You asked, turning around as the little one ran up to you while you both ignored the cry of agony and frustration falling out of Taehyung's lips as he leaned back into one of the beds of the whelps, holding his face against his palm at the missed opportunity that was now ripped away from him.

"Noona I wanna play with you!" The little dragon exclaimed with a bright innocent grin plastered on his face but Taehyung knew it was anything but. As if to provoke the prince further, he grabbed ahold of your hands and dragged you off, not even sparing Taehyung a single glance, knowing fully well what he had just done.

.

.

"Y/N."

"Namjoon!" He saw you quick on your little feet as you ran up to him with a beaming smile that was just enough to slowly ease the weights resting on his shoulders. But he knew it wouldn't last forever despite wanting to keep seeing that precious smile of yours even if it meant for just one whole night, dreading for the time that was coming. "I was just looking around for you!"

He gave you a tender smile as he drew his hand along your face, stroking it gently. "Did you need me for something, dear one?"

"Mhm!" You took his hand, ready to run off. "Come here, I—"

But Namjoon pulled you back to stand right before him again, he himself not having moved one inch despite you just about to drag him away. "Can it wait?" He said, causing your smile to fall with a slight concern.

"Oh. Are you busy?"

He hated doing that to you. "I was just about to have Yoongi call for a clan meeting."

"Ah," you said, nodding. "Then I will wait for you in—"

"Actually."

"Hm?"

"I want you to attend the meeting."

That took you by surprise as your eyes widened a little, totally unaware that Namjoon would ask you to attend a clan meeting. Usually, he would have all the princes and his most trusted dragons together for a meeting first before letting the rest know of any news that would be important to announce. You've never attended any meetings before and there hadn't been one for a while so surely the things he had to discuss had to be important, right? So why would he ask you to attend?

Seeing the confusion written on your face, Namjoon began to explain. "You're our Keeper now, remember?" He said, reminding you of the ceremony that had taken place just a few weeks ago. "Must I keep reminding you that you are now very important to the dragon clans?"

"Well..." They've mentioned that but you have yet to know what exactly that title meant for you. "I haven't exactly done much, have I?"

"I know," he nodded, understanding. "Truthfully none of us truly understands how a human would prepare for this role but I need you to begin seeing this title as your new duty. I know you have the whelps to take care of and also work alongside Seokjin but being a Keeper will begin to take up the majority of your time now. I need you to be prepared for anything, Y/N."

"I..." The serious gaze he held for you made you understand how crucial it was but still, you couldn't find the answer as to why. "I don't understand."

Namjoon nodded again. "It is best to let everyone know first before you ask your questions." He took your hand and began leading you towards the one room you hadn't exactly been to before; the meeting hall. "But just know that from now on, the Keeper will be attending every meeting that is to be held."

Knowing your questions would be answered soon, you gave him a nod. "Okay."

The meeting hall was a grand hall that laid a large table right in the middle with twelve chairs surrounding it all together. Seeing it up close and personal itself, you could understand just how serious the meeting was going to be. Even Taehyung himself who had already taken his place towards one of the ends held a grim expression.

But upon seeing you walk in with Namjoon at your side, his face lit up just the slightest bit.

"You look tense," he joked as if trying to ease your nerves with his little jokes. "It's alright, princess," the dragon assured you with a soft smile as he held his hand out to offer you a seat beside him. You easily took his hand, allowing him to guide you to the chair beside him as the others began to file in.

Hoseok took his place on your other side with a grin. "First time here?" He asked almost flirtatiously and made you let out a giggle.

Not long after the meeting began.

"The three clans have gotten news of me declaring Y/N as Keeper of the Dragons." You could feel all eyes turning to you at the report that left Namjoon's lips and just for that, you felt a weird feeling drop within your stomach but you weren't sure exactly what you were supposed to feel.

Was it a good thing? Or not?

Weren't the Clans all connected in one way or another despite them ruling their own skies and mountains? Questions swarmed in your head and you were suddenly realizing just how much you didn't know about lots of things that were important to the clan.

Sensing your confusion, Namjoon began to explain. "There are four main clans. The East, the West, the North, and the South. The other clans that exist are the smaller clans that protect other areas that are not covered by the four major clans. The warriors live protecting our territories in order to maintain the lands that were given to us from the first beginning wars many years ago. We are allowed to go to war with any smaller clan to gain land if we wish to do so, but none of us are allowed to attack any of the major clans so that no one clan becomes one over the other and dictates the rest."

"Hence that's where gaining a Keeper poses a problem, doesn't it, my prince?"

You turned your head at the warrior that had spoken. "It..does?"

He sent you a conflicted expression. "Us major clans may not be allowed to attack the others to maintain order but there are other ways to gain power and look slightly better than the rest."

"And one way by doing that is having our ancestor warriors accept a Keeper into one of the clans," another warrior added.

You were posing a problem as a Keeper already? Just by existing? Did that mean you'd have to leave in order to not cause more problems and potentially be the reason the clans may go to war?

Seeing those worried brows furrowing, Seokjin turned back to Namjoon. "The clans have given you their answers, I am sure. What did they say?"

With Seokjin's question, the attention returned to the high prince once again.

"They will accept the Keeper as long as we grant them the permission to use her in the case of any major wars."

Jungkook abruptly stood up in protest. "No!" He said in a thunderous tone with a face filled with rage at the thought of even bringing you to the wars. "I will not allow anyone to use Y/N in any way shape or form even if it comes to our own wars."

"But the Keeper has her powers to protect herself and the ones beside her."

"Y/N doesn't know how to use her powers yet," he was quick to dismiss the thought.

Meanwhile, you look at Hoseok and Taehyung beside you with confusion at this so-called power of yours. You really possessed powers now? And as if reading your thoughts, the two of them gave you a silent nod both firmly to let you know that all of this was real.

"She can learn."

"And she will."

"Whether she learns it well or not does not mean I will let anyone take advantage of her and put her life at risk. Y/N's already gone through so much, you can't just expect her to suddenly be thrown into the middle of our clan's problems."

But you were the root of the problem so it only made sense. And you were sure you weren't the only one thinking that as you looked around the room, noticing the hesitation in the warrior's expressions as some of them felt conflicted on whether to voice their true opinion on the matter or not since they all knew you were the lover of the princes.

Sighing silently with worry, you spared a glance towards Namjoon who seemed to be the one in the most conflicted position. After all, as leader of the East Clan, he had to consider both sides to the problem while also needing to take in the other clan's words without dismissing it so easily.

As you sat there while the debate continued on, you realized that the only way the clan could have accepted you at all was to become a Keeper. That was the only position available to you as a human in order to be someone not only the East Clan could trust but the rest of the clans as well. Which also meant that this was Namjoon's way of protecting you. Because as Keeper, you were given the power to protect not just the people around you but yourself as well.

"Hyung." Jungkook turned back to Namjoon, wanting the leader to declare the words of declining the other clan's orders but you knew it wasn't going to be that easy of a decision.

The room fell silent again as the youngest of the prince addressed the leader who sat tall in his seat at the end of the table. His gaze remained grim with both his hands clasped together in front of him with silent thoughts swarming in his head.

It remained that way for a while, the room waiting for Namjoon to speak.

He closed his eyes for a second before sitting back tall against his seat and looking up to rest his gaze right on you. Your heart skipped a beat, not knowing what he was going to ask of you or if he had come up with a decision, and whatever it was, you knew you had to be prepared.

"Y/N," he called, voice uttered in a low octave.

"Yes?" You were almost too afraid of what his next words were going to be but this was Namjoon you were talking about. You knew you could trust him with your whole life. The two of you went through danger together, helped each other up, carried one another, and made it out alive in the end. You knew more than anyone that he wouldn't purposely lead you to danger. After all, even though he had hated you then, he still protected you from that great fall because he knew you were special to Jungkook.

If there was anyone you could trust, it would be Namjoon.

"The wars that the dragon clans may involve themselves in can be quite brutal," he told you. "There will be enemy dragons far more dangerous than the ones that had attacked both you and Seokjin. You have to, however, be rest assured that our own warriors are far stronger than you can ever imagine. I will do all that I can to negotiate with the other three clans but be prepared to know that you may be needed in one of the wars in the future."

"Namjoon—"

He held a hand up to silence Jungkook without ever diverting his gaze from you. "No dragon that belongs to the clans, whether that of the major clans or the smaller ones, will ever dare to harm you. Every dragon knows not to try and harm a Keeper who lives to protect them. So if and when the wars ever come, will you give your complete trust to us in due time just as the clans will do the same with you?"

Seeing that complete resolve in Namjoon's eyes which hides no lies upon his vow to keep you from harm's way, you knew your answer.

"More than anything, I will entrust my life to the clans."

Proud with your reply, Namjoon let himself give you a faint smile in return.

"This will mean the clans will want to meet her, won't they?" Jimin spoke up upon the possibility and returning to his serious expression once again, Namjoon gave a nod.

"The Keeper has much to learn then."

"That's right."

Customs and courtesies along with the history of the Clans and their origins. Adding along with your training as a Keeper, the need to protect the dragon clans. You had much to do but you knew running away from it wasn't going to happen so you sat there with a resolved look in your eyes, letting the dragons know that you were going to do it all if it meant protecting them.

They smiled knowingly, proud to have you as their Keeper.

.

.

"Can't sleep?"

Namjoon's eyes turned tender upon the sight of you joining him out on the balcony later that night. He held out a hand for you to take and you gladly accepted it with no protest, allowing him to bring you forward and wrap his arms around you to keep you warm from the night breeze.

It remained silent for a while with the two of you just basking in each other's warmth, comfortable with just the sound of the crickets chirping under the night sky filled with the light of the twinkling stars.

"I'm sorry," he whispered a moment later and you turned to look up at him with confusion.

"For what?"

"When I gave you the title as Keeper of the Dragons, I should have asked you about it all first instead of just deciding it all on my own," he told you with a grim expression resting on his face. "Now you're going to have to face some challenges that you weren't prepared for."

His voice was soft against the wind, but you could hear the guilt and heavy stress weighing against him, letting you know that he had been worrying about you with all of this now going on. The other three clans weren't going to give in to his negotiations that easily but Namjoon would be working hard just for the sake of you and for that you knew all you wanted to do at that moment was to ease his burdens.

"It's okay," you told him softly as you leaned against his chest to let him understand that you weren't blaming him for any of it. "You gave me a place in your clan and that is more than enough."

"Being a Keeper is not going to be easy on you. Whether it was the only title I could give you as a human or not, this will only make things harder on you."

You chuckled a little at those words. "You know more than anyone nothing has been easy for me in the first place."

"Exactly." He let out a sigh as his arms around you tightened with worry. "This isn't exactly helping."

"As a Keeper, no one can hurt me, right?"

"You're going to have to learn to defend and use your powers first."

"Mhm," you nodded. "And I will."

"I know you will Y/N, and I trust you with all that I have," he acknowledged without any doubt. "I know that despite the situation you're suddenly placed in, the burdens you will have to face as a Keeper, you won't let any of that get to you and will do all that you can do for the clan. But," he gave you a squeeze, holding you tighter as if to silently tell you how afraid he was knowing he had no choice but to send you away as a leader who had to make the best decisions for everyone, "truthfully I wanted to agree with Jungkook and straight-up refuse the thought of even involving you in any future wars. The little one knows you best. He's seen through it all, feels the most guilty out of any of us for not being able to protect you as well as we should have. And I know you don't blame him, none of us does, he was after all the one who fought so hard for your life. But because he had to go through that, Jungkook will be the one to suffer the most when we have to send you off to fight."

You understood that. You understood the fact that Jungkook's heart was so big he wanted to protect everyone he could with his power. He was there beside you, always feeling helpless he couldn't do much to help you in your situation knowing he had been less powerful than the rest of his hyungs, but even then, you would never blame him because none of it was his fault.

He was a kind, gentle, and loving dragon who refused to let any of his lovers get hurt. But you understood where Namjoon was coming from and knew this wasn't going to be easy at all.

"I will tell you this though," you looked up at the leader whose eyes were already on yours with a firm resolve in his eyes. "As the leader of the Eastern Clan and as your lover, I will not let anything happen to you no matter what we will face in the future. So can you place your faith in me and do your part knowing I will be standing right beside you in all of this?"

"Namjoon..." Dealing with the Clans and potentially needing to be used in some of the future wars would not be easy, you knew, but you also knew that you weren't going to be alone. So you gave him a firm nod, knowing more than anyone that you could trust him. "Of course."

He leaned in to place a kiss on your head. "That's all I need to hear."

.

.

The days grew longer and longer as you took your duties off as Seokjin's assistance and the caretaker of the whelps in order to begin your training as the true Keeper of the Dragons.

You were given a teacher who taught you the history of the Clans and common customs and courtesies to prepare you for the meeting of the other three clans and had to face a challenge in trying to understand how the previous Keeper had lived.

None of it was easy, knowing you would be alone throughout most of it because the dragons themselves had no idea of how to train someone with a position they've never had to face. So you spent most of your time in the large library mostly to yourself with lessons after lessons on the history of the Clans and the first Keeper of the Dragons.

Given the ability to wield the power to physically protect someone while having no idea how to use or control it was hard for a beginner like you, but you knew you couldn't give up so easily because this was now your duty. You couldn't let your clan down nor disappoint anyone.

Everyone believed in you, it was your duty to show them that you were capable of this position without any doubt.

If the other three clans blindly trusted in you to the point of potentially asking you for aid in future wars then you could not let them see you as a weak and vulnerable human who would make excuses on how hard it was. You had to prove yourself to everyone.

Not just your princes, not just your clan nor the other three clans, but to yourself as well.

You were going to face this head-on, knowing it was your duty to protect the dragons now as Keeper of the Dragons.

.

.

"Tired?"

You quickly shook your head as you headed back to the private chambers after another long day of studying. With a big smile plastered on your face, you knew you couldn't let them worry over you so much.

"I'm perfect!" You said to Yoongi who held on to a skeptical expression.

"Well that's true but," he held his hand up to stroke your hair with eyes that didn't blindly believe you so easily, "you know it's okay to say when you're tired, right? You have it very rough right now, after all. We can all see it."

"Well I'm a little tired," you admitted sheepishly, knowing you couldn't hide anything from them as he brought you in to hold you in his arms soon after. "But it's been going well, I promise."

"I don't doubt that." Seokjin came up from behind you to place a kiss on your head. When you looked up at him, his eyes were just as concerned as Yoongi's. "I know you're a smart girl who is stronger than anyone I've ever met, however, you must remember to not push yourself too hard."

"You often go to the extremes for others, that's why we're so worried, princess," Taehyung said.

"If it becomes too difficult to face this all on your own, you have to tell us," Jimin chimed in. "Preparing for battles is not easy but doing this as a Keeper is something beyond our own imaginations. We may not understand some things but we're right here for you, okay?"

"Once you're done with the first steps of knowing how to defend and use your powers as a Keeper, the next step is learning how we fight our wars."

"I'm sorry," Namjoon said after Hoseok, looking the most worried out of them all since he was the one to have given you the title. "This is a lot more than I thought it'd be."

"I promise I'm alright," you said with sincerity at their concern for you. You hated seeing them like that but you knew it was coming from a good place. "Learning to protect the Clans is a privilege. I'm honored to be a Keeper. I won't let you down."

"Y/N."

You turned to the sound of the last prince to speak and saw the way he stood a bit further from the rest of you, an unsettling uneasiness clear on his face as his brows furrowed while he refused to look at you at first. It was silent for a moment as you waited for Jungkook to speak.

When he finally managed to look up and meet your face, you could see how much this was affecting him and felt your heart drop at just the sight alone. Jungkook was so worried about you.

He held his hand out, eyes averting from yours again but still, you took it without hesitation, letting the youngest prince have his way with pulling you into his strong arms. You couldn't see it from where you stood just seconds ago but now that you were in his arms, you could feel the way he was trembling slightly as he held you.

"'Please," he whispered as he let his cheek rest against your head, "if it's too hard you have to let us know. You can't lie to us no matter what. If you don't want to do this anymore then just say the word and we'll take care of it. But I know that is not something you'd ever do because you are much too noble for that so please...please don't push yourself too hard for any of our sakes. If you go too far you'll hurt yourself. So this time, this time I won't let you get too far. I promise I'll uphold my words and protect you. So please rely on me. Okay?"

You knew to some extent that Jungkook worried the most out of everyone but hearing those words coming out of his mouth, feeling the slight trembling of his body, you knew how scared he was right now. So worried, so afraid.

He loved you so much so you knew you couldn't do something that would make him think you were only going to make things harder for yourself.

You stepped back just enough to face him again where you reached up to hold his face in your hand. His eyes were filled with so much grief you wished you could just take all those worries away in a blink of an eye. But it wasn't going to be that easy. Despite that, however, you knew you had to do something to ease the pain even if it meant a small dose.

"I promise, Jungkook. I won't go too far this time."

"Good." He said and buried his face against the crook of your neck, his breath shaky as he let out a sigh. "Good."

"How about this?" Witnessing that moment between the two of you, Namjoon spoke up. "You should take a break tomorrow. You've been working non-stop these past few weeks after all."

"Hm?" You turned to Namjoon with a slight confusion while Jungkook remained in your arms, refusing to let you go anytime soon. "But—"

"The clan haven't seen you in a while since you've been buried in the library almost every day since your training started. I'm sure they've missed you."

"That's right," Taehyung let out a sigh at just the reminder of the little whelps demanding him questions after questions on when they were ever going to see you again. "You know more than anyone how much those little whelps love you. They've been asking for you since the day you started your training and Haeun isn't making things any easier. She's gotten so grumpy I can't keep handling all of them on my own."

You laughed lightly upon the mention of the little ones, already picturing them complaining to Taehyung and bouncing around him for answers about you.

"Everyone knows you're working so hard right now," Yoongi stated with a firm nod. "You should take tomorrow to catch up on things and take things easy. They've all missed you."

"I suppose a day wouldn't hurt."

"Then it's settled." With that, Namjoon gave you a faint smile as he walked up to both you and Jungkook, giving you a kiss to your head before gently patting Jungkook's head. He looked up, still slightly upset about this whole thing. "Y/N's going to be okay," the leader vowed firmly. "Everyone's looking out for her."

"Mhm," you nodded with a smile. "So don't worry too much, okay?"

He took a moment to stare at the kind smile you gave him and seeing how sincere you both were, Jungkook began to look relieved as his face relaxed for the first time in a while. "Okay," he sighed with a small smile of his own. "I'm proud of you."

Your heart blossomed with love.

.

.

Two weeks later, you were to leave to meet the three clans of the North, South, and West.

Dressed in formal wear, you took a deep breath as you stared out at the view of the horizon from the mountain top, knowing this would be the first time you would be leaving the mountain and being gone for a while.

"Are you ready?" You turned at the voice of Hoseok who stood tall beside Namjoon as the two of them would be the ones to accompany you on the journey. Behind them stood the rest of the princes and the clan to bid their farewells and wait for your return. Scanning the crowd, you could see some faces of worry and decided to give them all your usual kind smile.

"I have Namjoon and Hoseok with me, you can all stop looking at me like I'm already going out for war," you said with a small laugh to lighten the dampened mood. "I will be alright," you give them the vow with confidence in order to ensure that they did not have to worry too much.

It seemed to have worked since many of their faces began to lighten up again.

"We will be waiting for your return."

"Please stay safe."

"Send word if anything goes wrong. We'll be ready for anything."

You laughed again. "You all worry too much."

"For good reason." Seokjin walked up looking slightly grumpy. "We're sending our Keeper away after all."

"They won't do anything to me, I'm just going to be meeting them so that they will know who the Keeper is," you reminded him.

"I'm surprised you can be so calm." Truthfully despite Jimin's words, you were quite worried but you knew you couldn't show that now. It wouldn't be the best thing to do knowing the clan themselves were already concerned. "You're so brave, little one."

"Mhm," you nodded at his words with a confident grin. "So trust me a little more, hm?"

"Stay safe, princess," Taehyung told you as he gently tousled your hair.

"I will."

Meeting both Namjoon and Hoseok's gaze, there seemed to be some sort of a silent conversation going on as Yoongi met their gazes before he turned to you with a small smile. "We'll be waiting for you."

"Mhm," you smiled.

"I love you," Jungkook whispered before turning to Namjoon and Hoseok. "You too," he said. "Be careful out there."

"Of course," Hoseok nodded.

"Shall we go? We must reach the Southern Clan before the sun sets." Upon those words of Namjoon's the clan tensed up again along with an odd feeling dropping along your stomach. But you knew you had to do this whether it was scary or not. It was important to the future of the clans after all.

Once both Namjoon and Hoseok transformed into their respective dragon forms, you gave the clan a formal bow of respect. "I shall return in time."

With that, you climbed onto Hoseok's back and the two of them took off riding into the sky, leaving the Eastern Dragon Clan behind.

[hellomynamiseglaf]

🌰Chestnuts and Warm Milk🍂

My List of ~Favorites~ for Interactive Fiction and Visual Novels

(This is a work in progress so please bear with me)

Interactive Fiction:

The Wayhaven Chronicles (WIP Series in Development) - @seraphinitegames  (Look,,, I’m just... obsessed.. I can’t stop thinking abt it,,, and I'm..... sometimes, I read and I think I feel like I know what love is.)

Mind Blind (WIP) - @mindblindbard (I just,, UGH it’s so good. I can't even say that much because my feelings about it are so potent that everytime I see an update I try to tell myself to leave it alone to play larger portions of updates as a treat and everytime my willpower FAILS and I replay the demo like twice in a row)

Demon: Recollect ; Forsaken (WIP) - both by @bathalafiction (whew...WHEW!!! Are you kidding me?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Look. I was attached to Demon: Recollect. I loved it. And then I played the Forsaken WIP and now I can't get over my absolutely BOMB character design for my player persona. Also it's kind of fun being considered a jerk in the game, because it opens up a lot of different options that I usually feel bad about taking)

Shadow Society - @carawenfiction (the concept is so interesting,, I dream of more. Also Quaiel...baby...)

The Soul Stone War - @intimidatingpuffinstudios (also whew!! I really enjoyed it and the characters all picture themselves really vividly in my mind for some reason.)

Greenwarden (WIP) - @fiddles-ifs (reading this is like thick fog.. but in a good way? I don't know how to describe it without pictures but this IF smells like fog over wet grass)

Divine Intervention (WIP) - @divineinterventiongame (the concept?? UGH SO GOOD. For some reason it's always the first game I click to check for updates)

Golden (WIP) - @milaswriting (😈😈😈😈)

Blood/line (WIP) - @bloodlineoffical (simply put,,, LARRY)

Supernatural in New York ; The Bastard of Camelot (both WIPs) - @llamagirl28  (UGH Both of these are so good in their own ways but equally as exciting to see updates for. I haven't consolidated my feelings much further than "my MC for SiNY is so cute" and "Mordred is a child" but they're all generally positive.)

Ace of Spades (WIP) - @steph-writing (I keep thinking about,,, con........)

Nevermoore (WIP) - @asteristories (AHHHHH.... let me say it again for those in the back: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

Son of Satan: The Mortal Coil (WIP) - @sosthemortalcoil (YES.)

Shepherds of Haven (WIP) - @shepherds-of-haven (yes. I just have to sigh because it's very good and I like saying those funny little words of power. But also outside of the game I can only picture this game as a great, grey border collie)

Attollo (WIP) - @attollo (Also a very interesting concept, whoo... I almost forgot how immersive it was untill I played the demo again and was reminded of how 'into it' I was straight off the bat. Also the seperate, short little piece on the blog with Sysba was also really good and I had a dream about it the other day)

Into the Shadows (WIP) - @wynnakang​ (whooo.... I'm sighing again, but louder. I press restart and play the demo again)

A Comedy of Manors (WIP) - @sviyaginthegreat (I kept replaying options that I hadn't chosen before because I wanted there to be more lmao)

Fallen Hero: Rebirth - @fallen-hero (I think there's a sequel coming up? I haven't stopped thinking about this storyline since I finished it omg... the.. the details are really good and I've become ridiculously attached to my tragic villain? Character... she IS the standard for my reusable IF persona, or at least one of my most prominent ones ;-D )

Samurai of Hyuga (WIP series) - (I'm pretty sure multiplechoicestudios.com is the development blog for this game, or at least what I've been checking for updates..... this is a series with four book currently out.... and I've been playing through book 4 at slower than a snail's pace in a desperate attempt to prolong my experience. I really didn't think I was going to like it as much as I did but I got a little too into it and now I'm horribly attached to all the characters)

The Porthecrawl Witness(WIP) - @porthecrawl-witness (I'm pretty sure this is a WIP?? But ugh. SCREEEEEE- it's so good. It's SO GOOD. I really want to punch Talbot in the face. And Asher, if for a different reason. And sort of Staci just to try. Quinn is just a cutie I could never hurt him like that. Ugh but they're all so good and I forgot that I was reading a WIP untill it suddenly was over..... I'mfeeling really aggressive rn as I'm writing this, so please just note that the punch comment is meant as a statement on how interesting the concept and immersiveness of the characters and story is)

Forgotten Names (WIP) - by Alexandra_Zorila on the CoG Forum (turn the volume up. AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Look, look. It's..... delicious. It's SO interesting and I obsessively have a tab open on my computer to check for updates)

OFNA: Birds of a Feather (WIP) - @ofna (the vibes are so grey and smoky but the fog is definitely from a party smoke machine and the room is only dark because the walls are taped with those huge sheets of black construction paper that teachers use to cover their bulletin boards with... the game definitely falls in the 'dark and mysterious' genre but something just strikes me as really funny when I play it. Anyway it's good and it's in a lot if recommended lists for a reason. Also I'm very attached to my American Goldfinch)

More Things in Heaven and Earth (WIP) - @morethingsgame (in the same way that it's fun to play Guenevere in the Guenevere game or Mordred in The Bastard of Camelot, playing Ophelia in the sort-of Hamlet story is really fun. If anyone has read the Missing collection- which I absolutely love- by Margaret Peterson Haddix, this gives me similar vibes for some reason. Anyway, I really want to give Hamlet a hug and make him a flower crown or something)

A Tale of Crowns (WIP) - @ataleofcrowns (It's kind of not even funny how much I love this game... It's hard to even describe why I like it, just that it's so well rounded in terms of the story, characters, dialogue, and relationships. It's such an interesting plotline and it's pretty immersive. Also the first time I read the demo, there was an update as I was reading and the high that sent me on has very rarely been matched. Also Dara running to save my Crown in the tunnel?? 🤚😩🤭💓 ugh. UGH!! That's good food for my fool heart)

Scout: An Apocalypse Story (WIP)- @anya-dev (I'm usually not that into apocalypse themes/plots but I really enjoyed this game, and the plot was very good and intruiging... it really pulled me in and I like my character in the story a lot. I don't know why but it tastes like chikuwa, atsuage, and this specific type of carmelized onions that my mom makes sometimes)

Nothing left to burn (WIP)- @clowdee-works (......ouch. I *knew* what was going to happen and I STILL became attached to Drew)

Smoke and Velvet - @roast-ifs (It's good. And I am VEDY much into my character design. Also the story is really interesting, and I enjoy the setting a lot somehow)

Speaker (WIP)- @speakergame (very fun to play, and each update gets me more interested in the aspects of the plot. I also really like the little descriptions of what the characters think of the player)

The Nameless (WIP)- @parkerlyn (interesting plot, I like the characters a lot, and The aesthetics of this world are so interesting. Definitely had a good time visualizing what everything looked like)

Fields of Asphodel (WIP) - @asphodelgame (I think it's really cute so far!!! I like mythology in general, and the persephone/hades dynamic is *mwah!*... I like the way the story progresses in the beginning, and I think it works well in drawing the reader into the world. I also very much enjoy petting large dogs.)

...there are so much more.. and I have followed so many blogs.........

I'm not sure why I can't find it rn but there's this one WIP game that I really like where the MC buys a manor for like dollar and moves to go live there with her best friend and shenanigans ensue as they try to settle in and fix up the estate

Harbringer (WIP) - @harbringercog (....are you KIDDING me?? I was fully planning on just enjoying the demo and keeping a mental note to update the list sometime later,,, but this game... THIS GAME really made me fold. It's very immersive and regardless of how nervous the author claims to be after releasing the demo, it's of my humble opinion that those nerves can be calmed. It's very good. I was planning on procrastinating and reading a little bit and then going back to this essay I need to write, but somehow I got pulled in and ended up reading through the whole demo and it's apparent that I honestly had no chance of getting through this without becoming invested in the plot.... just... so good.. I'm very excited to see how this will progress)

Visual Novels:

Andromeda 6 (WIP) - @andromeda-six​  (I repeat: Obsessed, I come back every few months to see an update and I fall deeper into the hole every time...)

To the Edge of the Sky (WIP,, probably) - by Ajané (??) on Steam (I think, it’s been a while)

Next on my list to check out: Perfumare by pdrrook

Does.... does The Arcana game by Nix Hydra count as VN?? If so, then yes.

Similarly, the FictIF games are all entertaining, although Last Legacy and Heir to Love and Lies are my favorites rn (and.....unfinished....)

I also don't know if this counts, because I kind of consider Otome games to be their own genre, but on the Love 365: find your story by Voltage Inc. There are a bunch of fun stories, my favorite of which are: the Shinichi Kagari route on After School Affairs and the Saejima and Keiichiro routes on Bad Boys do it Better

..To be continued...

[copperxxgalileo]

"Yeah, I don't want to be a hermit up there in that cabin," Copper told Bo, which was mostly true. Sometimes though, he knew he'd want to give in to those tendencies, which was the main reason he'd chosen to rent a cabin by the lake. "You're going to be seeing a lot more of me," Copper promised, not adding his secret thought, if you want to that is. It seemed like their temporary estrangement was all water under the bridge at this point, which was good because Copper definitely needed his friends in his life. After a year of near isolation, it was time to start being a real person again, even if sometimes it felt like the hardest thing in the world. Nodding, Copper told Bo, "It's pretty close, though not like close enough that I can see it. I mean, if I'm remembering correctly where your cabin even is." It hadn't been a big hangout place for Copper and Bo and their friends, though Copper had been there a few times briefly. "You should come sometime. It's got a hot tub." He laughed as he said this, though Copper was wondering if Bo would really want to because he still didn't know what was going on with his friend.

Yes, Copper knew Bo, knew him very well, and it was obvious to him that there was something going on. "I know a lot has been happening," Copper replied, trying to be patient because he could tell that this was difficult for Bo to talk about. "But I mean did something happen to you? Like...why haven't you been swimming?" He didn't want to push, at least not too hard, but Copper couldn't understand how or why Bo was avoiding something he loved so much. He grabbed Bo's hand when he brought it up to chew on his nail, knowing how his friend had worked to break the habit; that wasn't a good sign. After giving Bo's hand a brief squeeze, Copper let go, listening as Bo elaborated a little bit. Although Bo was being pretty vague, Copper was able to put at least some of it together. "Were you attacked?" Copper asked, his voice shaking because fuck, that would be horrible. "Are you okay?" he asked, urgency in his voice, though then Copper shook his head, feeling a little stupid. "Of course you are, at least physically. Otherwise we wouldn't be talking right now," he muttered, more to himself than Bo. For a moment, Copper just looked at Bo, willing him to speak, but then he realized he was being pushy and shook his head again. "Shit, I'm sorry," Copper apologized, and he meant it. "I shouldn't be trying to force you to talk. You don't have to tell me, just...you're one of my best friends, and I'm always gonna be here for you, okay?" Copper had put enough of it together anyway.

Telling Bo about Deacon was even more difficult than Copper had expected, though he felt a bit of a weight lifted when he did. And it was like suddenly Copper wanted to tell Bo everything, as if doing so could help expunge some of his pain; maybe it really could. "I think just knowing that you know how I feel is kind of enough," Copper stated, "though obviously I wish that you didn't." He wanted to ask if Bo had lost someone he loved too, but that was a deeply personal question, plus this wasn't really the time or place. "My new therapist told me think about it in the sense that I'm a fighter, but really I just got lucky," Copper said. "Lucky that someone saw him leaving the house, lucky that I managed to hold on until the ambulance got there, until I got to the hospital. If I say I survived because I'm a fighter, it's like saying Deacon wasn't, and I just can't...I can't do that." His voice was shaking now, so Copper welcomed the hug, resting his face against Bo's shoulder as he hugged him back. Laughing - albeit humorlessly - Copper apologized, "I'm sorry, man. I didn't come here to be all depressing. I just wanted to see my friend." As they pulled away, Copper looked around, grateful it was slow in the shop today apparently. Even so, he asked, "Is your shift almost over? Do you want to go somewhere more...uh, private?"

copper certainly did have a good read on bo , an inkling that was tragically right as he worried that something was up with bo , and that bo might have gone through something terrible in his absence . it only made sense , as copper was a good friend of bo's - despite the lack of contact there had been since bo had suffered the attack - and as bo was now so greatly changed . he still had the same charm to him , so much of bo was still there - even if buried underneath the pain from the trauma - but even so , it would be a lie to say that bo wasn't obviously different . not only had bo been attacked himself , sustaining almost fatal injuries , but he had so many friends who had also been attacked , some whose injuries were fatal , and of course , his fiance - who had been his on and off boyfriend for ten years now - had almost lost his life only six months after bo's attack , prompting the still recovering bo into a carer position when that was far from his strong suit ( though he would do it a million times over for ian ) . in spite of all of that , bo was happy to see copper , and he truly was trying to appear as such .

" totally , " bo nodded , not blaming copper for having kept to himself considering after everything he had been through , bo was hardly out in the community of shrike anymore , at least , nowhere near as much as he had once been . " i'm sure it's a lot to get used to , too , all the changes , " though there were terrible , terrible changes to shrike heights , bo wasn't only meaning them ; the addition of the mall with the killer aspect removed was a great change , and it wasn't the only one that had happened since copper had left . " i'm glad to finally be seeing you though , man , " he told him sincerely , trying to ignore the guilt that weighed him down , trying to focus on the happiness over seeing his friend instead . " that's awesome , dude , i really love it up there . i wonder if you're close to my cabin , " he thought out loud . the turner cabin up in the mountains was technically belonged to bo's estranged parents , but they had grown tired of a vacation spot so close to home , opting to go elsewhere , leaving the cabin as good as bo's - though the arrangement hadn't ever been spoken of . after his attack , heading up to the mountains and staying at the cabin was the first time bo began feeling truly okay again ; he felt safer up there , despite the fact that it was still shrike heights .

" yeah , no , i know ... " he struggled to figure out what to say ; copper was completely right , it wasn't like bo to have given up on the sport , but it was so ... hard , to say the very least . his experience at the pool had been so traumatic , and to be so fully immersed in water gave him a sinking feeling that he couldn't quite shake , a feeling similar to when he was legitimately sinking , bleeding out and damaging his lungs with his desperate attempt at finding air despite being completely submerged . to even think about it was difficult , and things didn't get easier as copper asked him explicitly if something had happened . " a lot's been happening , man , " he answered vaguely , trying to keep the smile on his face , despite displaying other troubling signs such as aversion to eye contact , and a hand coming up so that bo could briefly chew on his already short fingernail before forcing himself out of the bad habit . " it's not all bad , though , " he tried to add for reassurance , not wanting to be so ominously vague , not wanting to worry copper even more .

' i'm not going to leave the people i care about behind when all of this is going on ' - good , copper already knew what was going on , then . bo couldn't have been sure , and even though after copper's questioning he had a feeling that he'd have to admit that he had been attacked , it all felt easier knowing that copper had some preexisting knowledge . nothing felt easy with the urgency in which copper asked what happened . " i had a ... pretty shitty experience , " he shook his head , stalling not because it felt good to hide the truth from copper , but only because he didn't know how to break the news ; it was a life changing event that bo had been through , one that he was still dealing with almost two years later , so understandably it wasn't the easiest thing to simply put out there into conversation . " a few , actually , i guess . some - well not better than others , but ... different ... " things felt no easier when he managed to divert the conversation away from his own trauma , and unknowingly to copper's .

" oh . fuck , oh , " he shook his head , wide apologetic eyes ; you'd think bo would be better at speaking of death after how much of it he had encountered over the past couple of years . at first bo had only thought that the two must have split , but to hear that deacon had passed away , it was a jarring shock ; it only went to prove that no one could grow used to the concept of losing loved ones . " i'm so sorry , cops , i - " bo shook his head , at a loss for words . " i don't even know what to say - which feels stupid , it feels like i should know what to say after what i went through but ... fuck , copper . i'm really am , so sorry to hear that ... " he unintentionally mentioned his own experience with someone who would have finished bo off too , if they had had their way , similar enough to copper's experience . " i - " unsure as to what to do , or what to say , bo pulled copper in for another hug , feeling his own body begin to shake over the intensity of the conversation , the thoughts of his own terrible experience , and the news of deacon's passing .

[evelynsfics]

Sometimes i find myself wishing everything was a little quieter. The chatter, the wind outside, and that horrible sounds spoons and forks make when they hit the sides of the plate. It all goes by like a blur, i can't remember anything from yesterday or the day before. Even now, with my phone battery falling lower and lower by the minute, i can't find the urgency to get up and charge it.

I know what will happen when my phone dies, i know i'll have to wake up from this stupid little dreamworld I've created. My delusion acts as a shield, a shield that'll soon give way to the truly disgusting truths of the world. Truths i saw a long time ago. I miss the time before that, but it's a but a memory now, one of a time long behind me.

Ah, the sky is dark once more. It's so beautiful, countless stars flicker and die out in seconds. I remember the summer i looked up at it for the first time, seeing it's beauty and glory in full, forever there, eternal and watchful. For that is the beauty of life, never meant to stay.

Fragile and fleeting, yet never truly gone.

I don't know what's going to happen when i wake up, I've chosen to ignore all the problems plaguing my mind at night when i let my thoughts wander. But i know, i know and I've seen how that never works. Everything I've left behind in hopes of peaceful slumber will haunt me once more. Soon, soon i'll too become just a memory. One you think of at night, one that comes to mind when you think of people you haven't seen in a while, one that comes to mind followed by sadness born from tragedy and loss.

My parting words are but passing thoughts, and yet, to have someone hear them makes me feel better. I am but a drop in the ocean, a smudge on the mirror that won't go away. I exist beyond the screen and fancy words i can't quite grasp as nothing more than a person looking to escape chance, fate, perhaps, and the horrible hand I've been dealt in life.

I can finally rest.

girl help this has been in my notes for a year now and i don't even remember writing it i just remember being really sad and deciding to write something to try and distract myself wtf

[ungodlydandelion]

Triggers don't care about intent.

It doesn't matter to my brain whether it's my father grabbing my inner thigh (memories of begging for him to stop grabbing or "tickling", my increasing desperation being ignored until I lashed out, the pain, the fear, the getting in trouble for lashing out) or my partner (which would be fine if I were normal. He's gentle. So gentle. It doesn't matter). It doesn't matter whether a christian, Jewish, Muslim, atheist, pagan, humanist, etc. is citing a biblical passage in earnest.

The reaction is the same.

Time travel through nightmares.

An inability to breathe.

A tightness in the chest.

Physical pain in the throat and joints.

Eyes flickering, heart pounding, body beginning to rock forward and backward - sometimes perceptibly, sometimes not.

Hands shaking.

Slow detachment from reality.

The longer the exposure to the trigger, the harder it becomes to see. Things get hazy, as if through gauze; then wobbly, as if through water; then impossible to remember. It's not that you're not seeing. You're just not retaining the knowledge of what you've seen.

Eventually you lose control over yourself. I've been told I proceed as normal, if robotic in movement and tone. If I'm aware, it feels like something else is piloting my body and speaking for me, but I don't care because I'm not feeling anything. My chosen family notice. No one else does. I've spent entire days at work or at family holidays in a sort of fugue state before. Not very creative, on those days, but still working.

It's eerily fascinating from an emotional distance. It's oddly tiring.

Anger can stop it, but anger isn't particularly better. The shaking still happens. The tightening and the pain still happen. I used to cry when angry. Crying hurts me. It feels as if it's being dragged from my chest. It does not come naturally to me. I remember being told that crying was just begging for attention. Only bad kids do that. I used to be proud of how little I cried. I'm not anymore. The loss in control still happens. But I can still see and feel. So it's probably better.

But anger isn't safe. When I lose control in anger, I say horrible things. I hurt people's feelings. I get myself in trouble. I can't work well while angry. Because I'm not a robot, I'm a jittery chihuahua looking to bite.

My body betrays me. It's incredibly frustrating. I don't think people realize how annoying it is to be years past a threat and still prepared for danger. There are so many security features in my head that it's hard to get things done. And yet, when I try to remove some, I find myself in repeat situations. It's a lose lose experience.

I'm tired. I haven't dealt with the most serious states of being triggered in a while, but even the lesser ones take a toll. I'm just so tired. I can't get work done. I spend my time looking... for something. I don't know what. I don't want to be like this. Yet going to work and keeping my home in order seems increasingly impossible. And it's not just because of the triggers! I have more issues!

And getting help seems incredibly impossible, because at every step I have to try to explain this is not my only problem to someone who has never worked retail, much less been raised like this. And they cannot comprehend. They can barely summon the wherewithal to be tactful to my face.

Godlessness. I am so tired.

[ladylannisterxo]

Let me try this again. Since this site just decided to refresh while I was in the middle of typing my whole message to you, I'll try this one more time because I have a determination now. A hateful spite took over me. Not towards you, but the site refreshing on me.

Anyway.

So the message was me ranting about fans stalking celebrities. Again. Because people never even seem like they can control themselves like normal people.

Regardless of a person's celebrity status, if they are well known or not. Including the celebrities who are "nobodies" who became "somebodies" overnight, in a literal way for someone like Joseph and also many others too. From what I've noticed about him, these last three months of being famous has been just so hectic for Joseph. He seems appreciative about the fans he's gained during these months but that does not mean he owes anyone anything, in the way fans think he does. He's appreciative of his fans. But that is not an invitation for people to stalk the celebrities - doesn't matter if they are alone or with their family and friends. Especially when they're on vacation for them to get away from the public eye of media.

Don't get me wrong. I admit.. I would love to meet a celebrity, any celebrities, I admire. Just about every person you talk to would want to meet their people.

But there is a time and place for everything. So this, well, this.. This is never the time or place for a whole situation like this. Never stalk their homes just to be meeting them, never stalk them when they're trying to spend time with their family and friends on some vacation, never stalk them when they are on a date.

Never stalk them in their private lives. Or better yet, just never stalk celebrities at all. Leave them alone.

At lot of celebrities are stalked but there does seem a trend amongst these celebrities. Maybe this is my perspective. But I've noticed a lot of the celebrities.. They are usually the sweetheart celebrities that just always seem to have their boundaries pushed by so many other people, especially by fans. Which would lead to celebrities to stop any contact with the fans in any way. If they still continue with the career they have chosen for their lives. If they haven't quit yet.

I know people say, besides Joseph Quinn, there are fans of Tom Hiddleston mentioning these situations have happened to him. Since I am not involved with his fandom, I'll take their word to it. And there's a lot of other celebrities similar to Joseph Quinn who live that new life now, a nobody becoming a somebody. Not sure if you know them so I won't bother listing.. Just to make this easier. But people should treat all these celebrities like normal people, treat others on how you want to be treated. It's wrong. And just too inappropriate to stalk someone, anyone, in this way to the lengths they are willing to stalk these people.

Apparently these people have no shame.

Apparently these people never seem to realize that you are not only endangering the lives of celebrities but their family, friends and coworkers too.

Apparently these people should be locked up in any asylum, or clinic or places that would keep unstable people them. That's where they should be now.

And I don't care how I seem to people, I'll just never care what anyone says or does to me. Because they are horrible people. This situation is atrocious.

Originally I wanted to say something so completely different than before, but I forgot some of what I've needed to say. So I said this long message instead.

Hopefully what I said actually made sense.

- 💋

Celebrities, at the end of the day, are just people like anyone else. The sooner people realize that, the better off I think we'll all be.

But you're right, Joseph has been incredibly appreciative of the love and support he has received thus far but he doesn't owe anyone anything. Especially not these "fans" who can't even offer him something basic as respect. But, and this is just going off of the way he has interacted with less obsessive fans and during interviews, he seems very humble and incredibly kind so I don't see him as the type to come right out and say it's bothering him even though it's completely obvious. There are some celebrities out there that will clap back at "fans" when necessary, Joseph doesn't seem the type. I do know his brother had to come outside and reprimand these "fans" for harassing him but this is all just me guessing here.

I don't know, it's all really fucked up and it's absolutely disgusting. I really hope this all ends soon so he can move on with his life and his career in a way that's not horrendous or scary as fuck. He doesn't deserve that.

[queencvbra]

ㅤㅤㅤTHE REVELATION SOMEHOW MAKES IT MORE HORRIBLE. Minerva didn't give up her soul. Everything she does is conscious. It chills Tory, sucking air through her teeth with a shiver. Once, everything seemed cut and dry. Vampires and demons are evil, the Slayers have to stop them, and it's always been the Watchers' duty to help and guide the Slayers. Simple truths. But there's a Slayer in love with a vampire; a good vampire, when she didn't think that something like that could exist. There's also a Slayer that was taken, and the council did nothing to save her. And she's chosen to be a vampire. To live this kind of life, because she says it gives her control. Not everything is black and white, no, but all these shades of grey are making Tory's head spin. ❝ They just let that happen? ❞ It's more disappointing than she can express, the sensation of her heart dropping into her stomach. But the worst is that it's not unbelievable to her, that the people who are meant to help and protect you could just abandon you like that. It's not an unfamiliar feeling to Tory. ❝ Why? ❞

ㅤㅤㅤShe doesn't bother holding up her weapon anymore. It's pointless, isn't it? Tory's not ready for this kind of fight if Minerva does decide to attack her. Not that she won't fight back, but she's not stupid enough to throw the first punch here. ( Well, maybe not at the moment. Not when everything feels so confused. ) ❝ We're supposed to protect people, ❞ Tory answers, but that's as much of an answer that she has right now. She's never had the strongest moral compass, and she'd be the first to admit that. Minerva raises a valid point. If Tory can't judge for herself, then how will she know when the council has led her astray? ❝ I trust Faith. ❞ That's the one piece of the equation that she's sure of. The council's reliability may be called into question, but she still trusts Faith. ❝ Look, if the council really screwed you over like that, then fuck them. I'd die before I let a bunch of stuffy assholes use me and drop me like that. But hurting people who had nothing to do with what happened to you damn sure isn't the right thing. ❞

ㅤㅤㅤTory knows it must feel good, though. To have all of that responsibility gone, no one telling you what to do, having full control of your life and not caring about anything that doesn't make you feel good. But that's always been Tory's problem. She cares way too fucking much. Could she live with herself, if she made the same choices? ❝ Why are you even here? ❞ she breaks away from the trailing thoughts in her mind, a pointed question offered to Minerva. ❝ I think we both know that if you didn't want me to find you, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. And you could kill me pretty easily, but you haven't yet. So what do you want from me? ❞

"Oh   sweetie,   slaypire   one   on   one?   You   don't   really   lose   your   soul   when   you   become   one.   Perks   of   being   a   slayer,   or   whatever.   You   can,   however,   chose   to   ignore   it."   And   it's   easier.   let   the   demon   take   full   rein   of   the   situation,   let   herself   be   free   of   guilt   and   trouble   and   everything   in   between.   It's   sweet,   how   the   little   Slayer   is   so   against   the   concept   when   she   had   been   on   this   path   for   so   little.   A   part   of   it,   reminds   her   of   herself,   when   she   first   began   training   as   a   potential.   She   scoffs   at   that,   eyes   falling   back,   incredulous   look   behind   her   eyes,   she   cannot   really   think   that   the   Council   and   the   Watchers   didn't   know.   They   know   everything.   "They   knew.   I'm   sure   my   Watcher   informed   them.   And   if   not   him,   Angelus   made   sure   to   give   them   a   heads   up."  

Because   if   she   knew   something   of   her   sire,   back   when   he   had   no   soul   and   no   remorse,   if   he   enjoyed   the   audience,   the   awareness   people   had   of   his   deeds.   "I   have   more   control   over   myself   than   either   of   you   ever   be.   If   you   don't   have   a   watcher,   you   have   another   Slayer   telling   you   what   to   do,   and   think.   And   tell   me,   how   do   you   know   that's   the   right   thing?"   She   puts   the   thoughts   and   questions   into   the   girl's   mind,   letting   her   aware   that   yes,   she   might   be   a   demon   on   the   inside   now,   but   at   least,   no   one   tells   her   what   to   do   or   not.  

"I   was   never   truly   free   until   I   died.   And   you   know?   They   moved   on,   didn't   even   a   footnote   in   the   Watcher's   books.   Another   took   my   place   and   they   told   her   to   do   better."

[rikiflrts]

— ꒰‧ 𝐃𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐲'𝐬 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭 ༉‧₊˚✧

after what seemed like forever, i finally made my own prompt list! if you wish to request for the prompts that you’d like to use with a certain member, then feel free to choose any of the numbers displayed and tell me about them in the ask box (^^).

also: please be specific with the genre that you'd like to imply with your chosen prompts, thank you~ ♡

1.) "i just wanted to give you a hug"

2.) "dumbass we're lost now thanks to you!" " i already got lost in your eyes from the moment i met you but you don't see me complaining."

3.) "please don't talk to me right now, im not in the mood"

4.) "how are you so beautiful?"

5.) "my hoodie looks great on you"

6.) "how could you..."

7.) "i trusted you"

8.) "i didn't tell you to trust me."

9.) "you're leaving? just like that?"

10.) "no stop you're making me blush"

11.) "and if i am?"

12.) "just shut up and let me play with your hair"

13.) "so this is what falling in love feels like"

14.) "how are you even real..?"

15.) "are you being for real right now?"

16.) "...did you just sniff me?"

17.) "if you're that mad then why don't you just take it out on me?"

18.) "i don't mind"

19.) "you dumbass, i said i like you!"

20.) "i used to have this huge crush on you (laughs)" "used to?" "well, yeah.. i dont really like you anymore"

21.) "can i hold your hand?"

22.) "are you nervous?"

23.) "less talking, more working!"

24.) "im in love with an idiot"

25.) "but you promised me that we'd get married!!" "for the love of god, ____ we were 5 when that promise was made!"

26.) "but i still love/like you.."

27.) "this reminded me of you"

28.) "his/her/their smile is really pretty.."

29.) "just confess already!!"

30.) "you're an idiot." "yeah. your idiot."

31.) "are you even paying attention?"

32.) "does it look like i care?"

33.) "i don't really care"

34.) "it's been a while since i last smiled like this"

35.) "oh crap im starting to feel the butterflies again"

36.) "I'm scared, okay?! i can't do it"

37.) "what are you so scared of?"

38.) "im scared of falling.." "dont be, i'll catch you."

39.) "promise..?" "promise."

40.) "i guess promises really were meant to be broken."

41.) "you made a fool out of me!"

42.) "im sorry, its not you.. its me."

43.) "what about our promises??" "what about them?"

44.) "please dont go"

45.) "is/are they/he/she all you're ever going to look at?im already right in front of your attention is still focused on them/him/her."

46.) "that's it..?"

47.) "cuddle with me"

48.) "no."

49.) "his/her/their eyes were like pools; so deep. I fear that if I fall, I might never come out and reach for air."

50.) "i love spending time with you"

51.) "let's just be friends"

52.) "im sorry, im afraid of commitment"

53.) "im afraid of it too. why don't you just take this risk and overcome your fears with me?"

54.) "if its you, then i dont mind."

55.) "i love your smell"

56.) "what's that supposed to mean?"

57.) "first love really never does die huh"

58.) "hey, you look really familiar" "oh, really?" "yeah. you look like my soulmate."

59.) "if you like me so much then just marry me already"

60.) "wait i can do that?!" "your gullibility really amazes me sometimes."

61.) "are you dumb? be honest"

62.) "im not in the mood"

63.) "are you okay?"

64.) "you look horrible" "oh wow gee thanks for pointing that out sherlock"

65.) "what's in it for me?"

66.) "do you..like me?"

67.) "do you like him/her/them?"

68.) "but i wrote you letters.."

69.) "they mean nothing to me."

70.) "wow! i haven't seen you in ages, how have you been?" "we literally just saw each other 5 hours ago."

71.) "wipe that smirk off your face, its annoying"

72.) "aww, why? are you perhaps threatened that you'll end up falling for me?"

73.) "i think im going to puke"

74.) "are you blushing?"

75.) "aren't you tired of comstantly running in my mind?"

76.) "i can't get him/her/them out of my head"

77.) "your laugh sounds really pretty"

78.) "i love how your eyes sparkle whenever you're invested in something"

79.) "im falling"

80.) "oh no im catching feelings"

81.) "do you ever stop talking?"

82.) "let me get that for you"

83.) "its okay, i can pay for myself" "no. i wont let you" "but i have my own mone-" "shut up and let me spoil you!"

84.) "i refuse to stay in the same room with the likes of him/her/them!"

86.) "it was pretty obvious.."

87.) "come here."

88.) "stop doing that to yourself!"

89.) "you deserve better."

90.) "just leave. i dont want to see your face anymore."

91.) "i hate you." "the feeling's mutual."

92.) "didn't i tell you to leave me alone?!"

93.) "was it so wrong to love you..?"

94.) "if you really love me then just stay away from my sight."

95.) "you feel like home"

96.) "i love hugging you, it makes me feel safe"

97.) "i could kiss you right now!" "you're very welcome to do it."

98.) "i can't keep playing pretend"

99.) "let's put an end to this.."

100.) "i think im actually catching feelings"

101.) "this is getting dangerous.."

102.) "give me another chance"

103.) "give me one reason why i shouldnt leave."

104.) "im going to do it! im finally going to confess to him/her/them!"

105.) "you've got to be kidding me.."

106.) "i knew what i signed up for. im not surprised."

107.) "he/she/they has/have stars in his/her/their eyes and im captivated"

108.) "i love you" "nice try, but im not falling for that"

109.) "is it that hard to fall in love with me?!"

110.) "well if you put it that way, then yes."

111.) "you look happy"

112.) "you look happier without me."

113.) "can you guys please change the dare"

114.) "who gave you the right to toy around with my emotions like that?!"

115.) "i got played.."

116.) "stay out of my sight."

117.) "you're an eyesore" "you're an eye candy"

118.) "why are you still here?"

119.) "why..?"

120.) "stop making fun of me!" "make me."

121.) "was i just some kind of sick joke to you?"

122.) " i really like you "

123.) "i don't know how to express my feelings that well but i just want you to know that i'd take a bullet for you"

124.) "i'd do anything just to see you smile like that again"

125.) "what are you staring at?"

126.) "i think i have a crush on you" "you think? you're not even sure?"

127.) "take my hand"

128.) "let's get out of here."

129.) "you should wear my clothes more often"

130.) "i can teach you how"

131.) "I'm here for you"

132.) "you can use me to forget about him/her/them"

133.) "even if the world turns againt us, as long as we have each other, then we'll be alright."

134.) "you're all that i need"

135.) "you're all that i ever wanted"

136.) "you're all that i have"

137.) "please don't leave me"

138.) "I'm sorry."

139.) "look at me."

140.) "look at me and tell me that you don't love me anymore."

141.) "you're an idiot."

142.) "i don't love you anymore."

143.) "did you just drink from my cup?" "and if i did?"

144.) "im going to kill you!" "you don't scare me"

145.) "stay with me a little longer"

146.) "i knew it.."

147.) "i should've known.."

148.) "are you jealous?"

149.) "i made you a playlist"

150.) "when will you ever look my way..?"

151.) "im fine with looking at him/her/them from afar"

152.) "he's/she's/they're out of my league"

151.) "im scared of getting rejected"

152.) "back to square one"

153.) "I'm tired"

154.) "what do you like about me?"

154.) "i'd rather starve than spend time with him/her/them."

155.) "if i'm an idiot, then you're a coward"

156.) "i dreamt about you last night"

157.) "it was a nightmare"

158.) "it's the little things that he/she/they do/does that drive me insane"

159.) "i like you more than i should"

160.) "be mine"

161.) "it was too good to be true.."

162.) "i had a crush on him/her/them"

163.) "i never really thought that i'd end up falling for you"

164.) "you're adorable"

165.) "you mean the world to me"

166.) "you meant the world to me"

167.) "what happened in the past stays in the past"

168.) "careful, you might end up falling for me"

169.) "very funny, mister lover boy"

170.) "lets go out on a date"

171.) "i'm so lucky to have you"

172.) "where are you going?"

173.) "sometimes it really just gotta be like that"

174.) "hello good afternoon, what's your order?" "hell- oh wow.. you please" "im sorry, could you say that again?" "wait no! i meant- uh..oh dear.."

175.) "he's too good for me"

176.) "stop giving me mixed signals"

177.) "i guess it really just wasn't meant to be"

178.) "im not interested in you"

179.) "i cant get him/her/them out of my head"

180.) "where is/are he/she/they?"

181.) "you took my pillow so im going to use you as a pillow"

182.) "why are you avoiding me?"

183.) "did i do something wrong?"

184.) "please talk to me"

185.) "im not even his/her/their ideal type"

186.) "it wouldn't hurt to try"

187.) "you smell like me"

188.) "i like my scent on you"

189.) "that sounds weird if you put it that way"

190.) "can i call you tonight?"

191.) "you should smile more often"

192.) "i hate it when people tell me what to do"

193.) "lets wear matching outfits!"

194.) "im arresting you." "why? i didnt do anything wrong" "yes you did, you stole my heart and i want justice!"

195.) "i guess i got too caught up with my fatasies to notice that he/she/they never really liked me back in the first place.."

196.) "you're the answer to all my prayers"

198.) "you should go home."

199.) "let me come with you"

200.) "run away with me"

last updated: 12/30/20

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[suometar]

Power song of the day: Wake up by Smash into Pieces

You can not resist, like a moth to a flame -- You know it will burn, but sometimes you enjoy the pain

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus) Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- From a life in fantasy -- Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- And realize it's not meant to be -- You stumble in the dark cause you close your eyes -- Guided by the sweet talk lullaby -- But someday you will wake up -- You will wake up From a life in fantasy -- Wake up!

You try to cut everyone out of your life -- So no one can question how you can believe the lies

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus)

You're in the fire, what do you do? -- You wake up -- The final round is waiting for you

(Chorus)

Why? Well...

I'm coming down from mania.

Which sucks. And here's a glimpse into my 30 or so years experience of this nonsense.

But before I say more I want to say to everyone who I have been venting during the last month or so:

Please don't think that you have contributed in making my situation worse. You haven't. The fuel for all of it comes from within myself. I am nothing but crateful that I have had a chance to vent to someone because otherwise it all would've just clumped inside me and that would've made the situation worse.

And besides, not all venting has been caused just by mania. When I'm manic it doesn't remove the normal thoughts and feelings I have.

When you're stuck in a tar pit created by a certain person for who knows how many years in a row it's obvious it's not just the mania. I think you guys know what that's like :D

Coming down is like a really really really REALLY bad hangover

Except that you can remember every single thing you've done, the things you've felt, the things you've planned, what you thought of. EVERYTHING.

And you KNOW they're all just a result of the chemical imbalance of your own brain.

Coming down doesn't mean necessarily that I'm now depressed. It's just getting back to your normal state from mania.

But the bad hangover is real. If you've experienced that you know what it's like. Regrets after regrets.

What's mania like

That ecstacy of mania is an immense rush you don't really know unless you've experienced it yourself.

It's difficult to describe, but I think falling in love really hard and fast is the closest that describes it best. You have butterflies in your stomach all the time, you're hyperfixating on that one person and you feel invincible, like everything in your life is finally perfect and you're in control like never before.

Or even better: It's like being on speed, except without the drugs. Overstimulated 24-7-365.

Hyperfixation is typical for mania

In my case the hyperfixation can be basically anything from men (real or fictional, doesn't really matter lol) to any action, hobby or even work, totally depends on the situation.

What I do is I dedicate all my time to that one thing and one thing only even though I know it's not healthy.

Thank god I've learned to control it so that it won't take ALL of my time anymore, but it still is there. And I need to cater it to some extent or I won't be able to do anything.

It's like having a parasite you can't get rid of but you can make it behave if you give it some attention from time to time.

What's real and what's not? That is the question

When you're having mania it's sometimes super hard to differentiate what's a real thought and what is based on the illusion created by your own mind. And even though I am nowadays capable to tell the difference of my real thoughts/feelings and the ones fueled by mania the later ones do have an effect on me even though I try not to react to them.

The tricky thing is that your body can't tell the difference of a so called real/normal thought/feeling and one created inside my head fueled by mania.

A manic person wants nothing more than get more of the dopamine that fuels the ecstacy. Which easily can lead to a psychotic episode/period.

The saddest part is that manic person usually looks and behaves exactly like any normal person. You can't tell from outside if someone is having mania unless they choose to show it. Psychotic then usually is clearly psychotic and erratic and behaves totally out of character.

Triggers for mania

Anything can basically be a trigger for mania and they vary from person to person. For me it's usually one of the following:

an extreme negative change in life (such as death, divorce or other big things like that),

finding a new crush,

intensive concentration on some activity,

social media, or

as surprising as it might be: music. Especially any with a faster tempo.

Usually though I have already been somewhat hypomanic before the real mania hits. Hypomania though is very hard to notice because I'm somewhat easily excited and impulsive already by nature.

But I've lived with this so long that I know when it's going overboard. My manic mind just usually chooses to say it's nothing and I believe it like a fool - because it feels so good.

This time the trigger for me was intensive concentrating on writing. While the writing was crucial in easing my general anxiety this time it had this unfortunate side effect.

Nonetheless, I'm not quitting writing. Because the anxiety has eased significantly from when I started. I probably need to change the subject for a while and not to write daily or limit it just for 30 mins a day.

How a new crush can happen when you're married, you ask?

Oh, easily. See, with a manic mind a marriage is nothing but an obstacle. Nothing is but an obstacle that is designed to limit you. Because you're omnipotent. And obstacles - well, they're made to be conquered or plowed through.

In my case I've chosen to keep my crushes online and physically as far away from me as possible. I've made a mistake of crushing into someone irl and that was UGLY for all parties involved.

Thirsting over someone from afar online while remaining happily married is by far a better option.

How to control mania or turn it off

Yes, you can turn it off. The problem with that is that usually manic person doesn't

feel like something is wrong, and

doesn't want to get down from the high.

But there are things you can do to get it end sooner.

Log off from all social media. Seriously. Don't just turn notifications off - LOG OFF.

If that's not enough, remove all the social media apps from your phone. You can always install them again.

Turn off your phone if it's possible.

Don't use computer unless it is absolutely necessary - like for paying bills. You don't need to find out what age Barbara Streissand is at 2:30am - or, well, ever.

Social media is by far the biggest contributor for mania. The apps are designed to give us a dopamine rush each time we scroll down any feed and see a new post. That's how they keep us stuck on them.

When you already have an issue with the dopamine rush using social media just makes it worse.

You won't miss anything if you log off for two days or a week. SERIOUSLY. But it will improve your well-being tremendously.

The absolutely best thing you can do is to create as dull environment to yourself as possible. That there's nothing artificial you can drown yourself into. Best place to be in mania is in the middle of the woods without any mobile signal - trust me.

Take up an activity where you do something with your hands. Hands-on approach is crucial.

Doing things with your hands will root you into the real world.

It doesn't matter what it is: cooking, cleaning, handcrafts, drawing or painting (NOT on a computer or ipad but with real pencils/crayons/paints/brushes/etc).

Remember not to do just that though. Go out (without your phone). Enjoy the nature. Listen to the sounds of the outside world. Don't close your senses with headphones. Read. Watch out of the window. Stare at the wall. Watch the paint dry.

LET YOURSELF GET BORED.

Just stay away from any electronic devices.

The hangover is horrible but it'll pass. And you will feel better afterwards when you're functional again.

------

It's not easy. None of us chose to live with bipolar. It's always inherited. But there are ways to work through it.

I hope this helps at least someone.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[pink-peony-princess]

Months on the making

"Please?" My best friend Ashley, begged, chasing me around the dorm room.

"I don't know," I sighed flopping down on the sofa and switching the TV on. It was 3 in the afternoon so there wasn't much on, but the aimless chatter was enough to block out the whining coming from my roommate.

"Please, please, please, I'll clean the toilet for a month, and you can use my Netflix and steal my lecture notes," she added. I looked at her laughing slightly as she got down on her knees and literally begged me. "Who knows," she added when I didn't respond. "It is a cross facility party, so you might even see some cute guys there, cute doctors," she added.

"Shawn won't be there, there's no way, he's a week out from starting his residency," I stated as if this ended it.

"Who said anything about Shawn?" She smirked, getting up. "You're coming!" She called, walking into the kitchen and returning with snacks. "I mean come on! It's not like you two haven't been sussing each other out all semester ever since you worked in that group project for communications, I mean it's clear you like each other, he's even told his buddies, make your move girl, he's perfect for you!" She encouraged.

"He sure is that," I agreed, dazed just thinking about him. He was tall and built, with broad shoulders, and soft brown curly hair, an award-winning smile and charm to boot. On top of all that he was a really nice guy. No one seemed to have a bad word to say about him.

Two hours later we walked into the party, and I was immediately taken aback by how many people were here. "I'm going to get a drink," Ashley yelled over the music. I nodded turning around, coming across the one face I didn't want to see.

"Oh shit, Hayden is here," I hissed, running to catch up to Ashley.

"Just try to ignore him, he's a douche!"

The night was going well and despite myself, I'd even started to relax and enjoy myself, Ashley had even managed to get Shawn and I talking, not that we didn't flirt with each other whenever we saw one another, but we never really got to have a real conversation- about the more meaningful stuff. We talked about everything from the way Ashley and Brian his best friend were flirting shamelessly, why he chose to live on campus even though he could have chosen to take his last few pre-residency classes online having successfully completed his residency year and what he was looking forward to most.

I was on a real high- he was so easy to talk to (and flirt with)- he'd even suggested we go out for breakfast which immediately got my heart racing. The thought of going out with Shawn-alone, was thrilling.

This changed however, when Shawn declared that he was going to get a drink and Ashley announced she was going to the bathroom, leaving me on the patio where we'd been chatting all alone. I heard the door go, expecting it to be one of them back already, but when I turned, I found Hayden, sauntering over to me, a disturbing smirk on his face. A third-year sports major, med school drop out Hayden was a class A arsehole that would try to get with any girl he could-everyone knew that. He'd had more security warnings than anyone else in our year and he'd decided that his latest challenge was me. It had started in communications class which all journalism, med and sports science majors took- along with a few others so it wasn't uncommon to run into people from other courses. Basically, if you had to talk to people as part of your career, you took the class.

But when I'd told him I wasn't interested, like so many others in the class before me had, he took that as a challenge and had made my life a living hell for the past three months.

"So Kenzie, you finally come to your senses?" He slurred, coming to stand mere inches from my face, his breath stunk of stale beer.

"Go shove it," I spat instinctively taking a step back in an effort to put some distance between us.

"Careful Kenz, you don't have your little pozzie with you now." He grabbed my wrist, slamming me into the side of the building, knocking the wind out of me. I could already feel where the rough stone was cutting into my exposed skin of my back, wrist aching.

"Get off me!" I yelled again, moving to push him away. This only seemed to anger him further though.

"Man she said to leave her alone, " another voice spoke, "so leave her alone." The figure was tall and it was only when they stepped into the light that I realised it was Shawn. Relief flooded me.

"What are you doing here Mendes? Come to protect your girl?" He taunted.

"Stopping a dickhead from doing something stupid," He spoke cooly, a new drink in his hand.

"Wait, what's your degree again, oh yeah...medicine, well let's see how good you really are!" He spoke, pulling me into him by my already pained limb and then thrusting me backward again, smashing me into the wall and ripping my dress in the process leaving me exposed and vulnerable. The relief I had felt moments earlier was replaced with terror.

My head was spinning, a dull ache starting at the base of my scalp, my legs gave out and I found myself on the ground, a shivering, shaking mess.

"Someone call security to come get this piece of shit out of here," Shawn called to the group of people that had assembled at the commotion before crouching down beside me.

"Are you okay, Kenz?" He asked, looking me up and down. I was in too much pain to care that he or anyone else was seeing me practically naked.

"Kenzie, Kenzie oh my God!" Ashley yelled, coming to a skidding halt beside me.

"Give me your coat," Shawn spoke urgently gesturing to the woollen material Ashely had wrapped around her. She handed it over quickly, allowing him to wrap it around me carefully.

"Brian, come help me get her up and inside," he called when he realised his friend had returned.

"We're just going to help you stand up okay?" Shawn spoke gently. Taking my hand.

"Owwww, owww, stop!" I begged, feeling another wave of dizziness and nausea wash over me.

"Right come here," He spoke, picking me up in one gentle but fluid movement. I closed my eyes then, but I could feel people pointing and starting as we made our way through the house and out into the night air. The breeze was cool and dry, bringing me to my senses a little more.

"Out of the way people. I'm half a mind just to take her to the hospital, " He muttered to Ashley and Brian who I could hear trailing behind.

"She won't like that, can't you check her out yourself?" Ashley pleaded and I silently thanked the heavens that I had a friend like her.

"I mean, I could, but if I think she needs to go to the hospital once I look her over, we go, " he bargained.

As we walked for what seemed like ages the pain only intensified my side now throbbing horribly. I was almost certain I was going to be sick when we came to a sudden stop, the lock on a door clicking open.

"Brian get the first aid kit and my bag?" Shawn asked, moving rapidly through space and placing me down onto what felt like a bed.

"Kenz, Kenzie, open your eyes for me, honey." He urged, tapping my arm. With great effort to fight the increasing lethargy, I opened my eyes, blinking furiously at the bright lights that stung my eyes overhead.

"Where are we?" I whispered, trying to ignore the pain- I felt like a life-sized ache.

"We're in my dorm room. I wanted to go to the hospital, but Ash said you may not like that so I brought you here. I have the stuff to treat you here, providing you don't need any further testing, " He explained, kneeling beside my bed as I looked around. I made the mistake of trying to get up, and immediately regretted it when my ribs protested angrily.

"Easy, easy, he warned his expression one of sympathy and concern. "Stay there Kenz, I'll move you if need be. Do you remember what happened?" He asked, glancing down at me with a soft smile. I nodded, somewhat reassured by Shawn's warmth and competency.

"Hayden, " My voice was hoarse from the shouting earlier. He nodded.

"Good, that's a good sign."

He stood up, reaching for several items by the door- the first aid kit and a bag- no doubt the one's he had asked Brian to retrieve.

"Where are you hurting?" He asked, looking me up and down, appraising my injuries. Just this small action made the tears I had been holding back, spillover, a mixture of pain, fear, relief and embarrassment. "Hey, hey, you're okay. Shhh, you don't need to cry, " He murmured, taking my hand gently in his, immediately enveloping me with warmth. I had known I liked him for months now, and every time we interacted this was affirmed more by small things he would do or say- getting me my favourite coffee before early morning tutes, offering to walk me to class. Yet somehow this felt so much more intimate and I almost forgot where we were until Ashley cleared her throat.

"Do- do you wanna help her change and we'll come back in a minute. You can have one of my shirts." Shawn spoke shaking his head as if clearing a fog as he got up and threw a soft sweater at the bed.

I nodded mutely, not trusting my voice.

"A little help?" I asked Ashley, when the door closed.

"Girl he is smit-ten, She sang, coming over to help undo the ripped material of my dress."

"Shut up! He's probably just outside the door,"

I hissed, wanting very much to hit her over the head, but not wanting to move again for fear of pain.

The shirt smelled like him- a mix of Sandalwood and some sort of earthy, almost woodsy tone.

"You can come back in, " She called when I was decent again and laying back on the bed.

Thankfully Shawn was extremely professional, acutely aware of the strange situation and my escalated anxiety. Asking permission before so much as taking my pulse.

When he got to my ribs, he stopped, barely touching the bottom of the sweater.

"May I?" I nodded, sucking in a huge breath as the anticipation of pain (and Shawn's touch) over whelmed me. I could help, but hold my breath, as he gently palpated the area, feeling in and around my ribs. "Nothing feels broken, " He commented, after a little bit.

"So no hospital?" I asked praying he agreed. His brow furrowed. I would still feel better if you saw a fully licensed doctor. I'll call my mate okay. Connor, he's really chilled," He spoke, pushing some baby hairs off my face. "In the meantime let's get these cuts and bruises sorted, " He smiled.

Not much was said for the next half an hour, Shawn working quietly and efficiently. The only time I felt any pain was when he and Ashley had to sit me up so he could clean and disinfect my back. My wrists he said, although badly bruised and about eight differ ent shades of purple would heal on their own.

I was just starting to get sleepy, Shawn tapping me every so often to keep me awake when there was a soft knock at the door, before a man around Shawn's age, maybe a few years older walked in.

"Kenzie is it? I'm Connor, he introduced himself with a smile. "Shawn told me what happened, is it okay if I have a look at your head."

I nodded, trusting him, because Shawn trusted him. And honestly I just wanted, no needed, sleep.

Like Shawn his assessment was thourough, but quick. "You can lay back again, " he murmured as he finished checking me over, putting his penlight back in his pocket and pulling his gloves off.

"So?" Shawn asked, looking between me and his friend.

Connor sighed, "Yeah, you're right, she does have a small concussion, you know the drill, rest, lots of fluids, wake her every hour. He got you good, I'm sorry to say, " he grimaced. "Is someone staying with her?" He asked looking between me, Shawn and Ashley.

"I could stay, I mean, if you're okay with that?"Shawn spoke looking to me.

I shrugged, hissing as the action, pulled at my ribs.

"Okay, it's settled then, " Ashley clapped, a sly smile on her face, which I could just see past Shawn's torso blocking most of my view as he sat beside me.

Brian and Ashley stayed for a little longer, chatting quietly between themselves as I lay there half awake, and exhausted, but unable to sleep. When Shawn declared that it was time for them to go, because the 'patient' needed rest (this got a glare), Ash tried to kick up a stink, no doubt hoping to witness more content with which she could hold over my head. Shawn however wasn't having it, and insisted they come back tomorrow.

"Finally, some peace, jeez, my head hurts," I laughed, again regretting it.

"Here, take these." He handed me some tablets and a bottle of water. Sitting beside the bed on a chair, which he had pulled from the desk across the room. "It's been one hell of a night! I'll have to take you out to make up for it, " He spoke casually.

I turned, surprised, not quite sure I believe what I was hearing.

"Like a date?" I sqeeked out, feeling my face flush.

"I mean, I just thought..." He trailed off, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

"I'd like that," I smiled.

Get some rest and when you're better we'll organise something, it's been months in the making. Don't think I haven't noticed the way Ashley's been 'accidently' having to talk to the professor in comms class leaving us alone." He smiled.

I blushed, just thinking about it, damn, he was more perceptive than I thought. "Don't tease me, I'm sore, and tired, " I grumbled.

"I'm here if you need me, Honey, " He spoke, my heart swelling the nickname.

"Thank you, Shawn, "I spoke reaching for his hand as I finally fell to sleep.