#if you dont want hrt or cant get it that is also fine

[hemipenal-system]

this is a forcefem (trans affirming genderplay) space, not a forcefem (whatever weird misogyny shit y'all got goin on) space. get on hrt or get the fuck out

[senseiwu]

Oh no

Only now, that my stomach is hurting, I realise,, i forgot to take my tablets yesterday,,,

[radio-frequencies]

“Where am I..?”

!!!! WARNING THIS BLOG HAS BEEN GETTING MORE SUGGESTIVE AS OF LATE AND I TEND TO FORGET TO TAG THAT CONTINUE ON WITH CARE IF YOU DONT WANNA SEE THAT KINDA STUFF !!!!

ANOTHER ASKBLOG. PLEASE SEDATE ME. anyways! main is @themostsanebug and you can call me mod or william or steven i DONT care.

Are asks open?

YEP!

✎ᝰ.

Info

his name is boris madden!

he uses he/him pronouns and he is a trans male! he does not have top surgery nor is he on hrt. he doesnt want medically transition either!

he is 24 and 5’7!

he is pansexual and polyamorous! (he is currently dating; bubble.)

he has a TON of lore that i could explain, but, in short, this guy JUST got revived from being dead. he was killed by a god he worshipped.

on the topic of a god he worshipped, that god is named tobias. it will be referenced here a lot. (this god may be living in his head now)

tobias is also the reason he has claws and a tail. it forced his body to grow those when it used to possess him.

he sees himself as a monster! literally the entire reason he ended up being killed by tobias was because he wanted to get the radio of his head.

hes died twice in total.

he used to live in doodleland! but upon his most recent revival i have placed him in the dimension @/ask-steven-stevenson is set in.

he might be a tad rude, sorry if he is. (when he has the radiohead.)

HE IS AUTISTIC!

✎ᝰ.

Rules

roleplaying is heavily encouraged!

other character interactions and ocs are all welcome here!

no nsfw/heavily violent asks, ill simply delete the ask and maybe block you.

basic dni (no zoos/maps/etc.)

no venting in the askbox, i cant handle my own problems let alone someone elses!

no spamming the same ask over and over either!

i am free to delete whatever asks i please. keep that in mind.

suggestive/romantic asks are fine, but mainly because i think its funny.

[your-queer-dad]

Hi finch! It's the person talking about binders a lot again. I just need other people to bounce thoughts off of bc I don't know anyone else irl who's trans/transmasc.

For context, I'm afab but not a woman and also not a man. I used to be a girl bc i was raised that way and didn't know there were other options but i haven't grown into a woman. I dont want to grow into a woman. I'm pretty sure I'm agender? At least that sounds more correct than the other labels I've gone by (girl, demigirl, nonbinary). I guess I experience gender similarly to sexual attraction (aka I'm very confused and don't understand how other people know what their gender is or how they experience gender).

That's not the point of this though, it's (once again) the topic of top surgery. I feel like I'd be fine without getting it... like if I'm by myself my chest doesn't bother me. It's there and I don't hate it. I dont think I experience dysphoria, especially not the way other people do. But if I'm out in public I know that other people will notice my chest and read me as a woman and treat me accordingly as a result. THATS what bothers me, I think. I haven't gone swimming in a few years because of it and i kinda miss doing that... But I think if it wasn't seen as a woman thing/a widely sexualized part of the body I'd be fine just keeping my chest. But on the other hand I'm worried about opting to remove it. What if I regret that choice? What if I hate how I look after? I mean, once I have the surgery that's it, that's my body. And I guess I could keep a small bit of breast tissue but that's not the point lol

There's also the other side of the coin. I just looked in the mirror earlier and for a second my brain didn't register my chest and that felt so correct. It felt so right. But I'm still worried about making a decision because it'd be so much easier to just let my chest be the way it is because it doesn't bother me THAT much. And I wonder if a reduction would feel better but my chest is already on the small side (cant tell you the size bc i never bought real bras lol I've only ever worn sports bras) and I don't know if it would help me. Like what if I regret the reduction? Or on the flip side, what if I do it and it's not enough? I don't want to have to go under twice.

Idk, I've just been thinking about this for a few months now and I'm being indecisive about it. The decision will probably be influenced by how easily I could get the surgery (bc from what I've read you need a letter from a therapist and all that stuff here and also the insurances like to pretend that nonbinary people/people who wanto to do something other than the "normal/full transition" dont exist) and if I think it's worth the stress of having to explain those feelings that I dont even quite understand myself yet. I mean, having a surgery (or potentially going on hrt but somehow that is even more daunting than surgery to me) would make me visibly trans and I don't think my country is doing too well in regards to queer safety yet. I don't know if I want to be visibly trans but I know that I dont want to basically "fully transition" and be read as a man. That'd be too far in the other direction. Ideally I just want to confuse people but that sounds like an unsafe situation to be in, especially in my current almost fully cishet social circle...

Man, I wish Shape-shifting powers were real so I could just test things impermanently before actually going through with permanent changes. That'd make this whole thing so much easier.

Idk, I just wanted to be able to tell another trans person about this and maybe get some advice or something. Im so sorry about how long this got. Thank you for reading it! I appreciate your account a lot, it's nice to just read everyone's experiences. Thank you for running the account and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.

Everyone, go hydrate! /nf

- 🌌🌃

Hey kiddo!! I completely understand those worries and my best advice is: if you have any doubts, don't do it. Top surgery is irreversible and it isn't worth it. Wait until you're 1000% sure. I completely understand that's hard and other people's assumptions is so annoying. I wish shape shifting skills were real too!!! That would be so handy.

- dad x

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[larnax]

ok im not strong enough. hater mode activate.

im only so angry about this because its the first time ive ever seen bottom surgery even mentioned in a fandom context and its to shit on it. im gpnna turn into the joker

easy to DIY" this is dumb for the same reason "DIY wheelchair ramps" are dumb. gcs and making hrt both take skill and knowledge the average person does not have. DIY hrt saves lives and is many peoples' only option i am not disagreeing with that but its not your buddy brent making it in his bathtub its someone who has the medical knowledge who just isnt operating in an official capacity. you cannot do it Yourself unless you want to end up injecting olive oil. this is even more true for surgery. do you think you could perform a DIY vaginectomy????? have at least a baseline respect for the people who developed gcs procedures and the people who perform them

"leaves scars" every non op trans person owes me $500USD. i am so fucking tired of people who never bothered to address their internalized ableism/transphobia about ew yuck icky scars making that my problem by loudly announcing how disgusted they are by an extremely normal part of the human experience. there is nothing wrong with having visible scarring and there is nothing wrong with surgical scarring and acting like there is provably makes people avoid procedures that would unambiguously improve their lives

"certain procedures can be risky" aw cmon bud we all know which procedures you mean! pretty please keep fearmongering about how risky bottom surgery is otherwise someone might decide to actually get a surgery which has an extremely normal success rate for surgeries. yes they make you sign a bunch of forms acknowledging the risk thats called Informed Consent and 90% of the complications are true for literally any surgery or literally any surgery on the urethra/genitals. bottom surgery is not some uniquely dangerous procedure

"implants and bottom surgery highly imperfect" every non op trans person owes me $1000USD. would you say this about any other aspect of transition? is there any fucking room in your head for the fact that postop trans people actually exist in real life and could possibly see you talking about how disgusting you find them? because im 1) real and 2) fucking your mother with my Imperfect Dick right now

"doesnt leave scars/looks completely natural" every non op trans person owes me $1500USD. this stupid fucking idea people have that The Natural Body is 1) even a thing and 2) something we should aspire to or protect is so wildly transphobic and ableist that it, too, turns me into the joker. would you say this to an amputee? to someone who had an organ transplant? because people do and its the same bullshit. the right to bodily autonomy includes the right to alter your body! i dont fucking care if i Look Natural(although its worth noting that most people cant actually tell fully healed phallo dicks and natal dicks apart. i went to a urologist and he only realized i was postop when i told him) and it should not be treated as an unambiguously good thing.

LIKE EVEN THE FUCKING DOCTOR IS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE MEDICAL BOTTOM SURGERY. olberic had an "averse reaction to medicine" <- directly against canon where he can be healed fine WHOLESALE INVENTED just so that we minimize the amount of people who could theoretically have phalloplasty

also youre lying to yourself and more importantly me if you think ophilia has any medical knowledge whatsoever shes literally a faith healer who cant even deal with poison

like ok "a wizard did it" is better than literally not even acknowledging some trans people want to "switch their junk" like most people do or arguing that its ahistorical to have any medical transition, However this is just having that so you can present it as the better alternative to the inferior gross medical transition which . go fuck yourself!!! go fuck yourself.

again im mostly so mad about this because when i saw the words "bottom surgery" in a fandom thing i was really really excited because i never get to see even other fans who acknowledge that their favorite characters could be like me! i had a solid 5 seconds of just being ecstatic to be represented and then i actually read the damn thing and it was just more of the fucking same.

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

#yeah. this is true about one million things and my personal Important One is HRT. i fucking hate the fact that people sit in a room and#decide whether or not my HRT is scary and dangerous. this is going to be tmi but my testosterone isnt just for fun gender reasons (though i#LOVE the fun gender part!!!). it also prevents me from having periods that are so heavy that no Menstrual Product can keep up with them.#i lose so much goddamn blood. the cost of Menstrual Products alone is annoying without considering the agonizing pain and the symptoms of#chronic blood loss. “it isnt that expensive. a months supply is like $20.” yeah if you use one product every 8 hours as “intended.” if you#cant even go 30 minutes then its fucked up.#anyways i think i should be allowed into every room that is discussing the safety of testosterone and i should get to lay on the table and#bleed the entire time and maybe once their paperwork is dissolving in my blood theyll realize that they should mind their own damn business#and let me have my hrt and stop fucking making me jump through hoops every month to get it refilled. i swear ive probably “stopped” hrt#a dozen times unwillingly due to nonsense about hrt. and im lucky enough to be old enough to get testosterone legally? and its still so#difficult? and god. if i was a little younger and couldnt get hrt??? like fuck. i wish id had access sooner. i suffered from 2-week long#periods for so long. i got progesterone birth control for a while and it helped but then it gave me a period that lasted THREE MONTHS and#when i was like “hey doctor. that sucked.” 4 different doctors told me “yeah birth control can do that.” and i asked “is there anything else#i can try?“ and 2 said ”no.“ and i asked ”what about testosterone“ and 2 doctors said ”umm. yeah but... i dont think im the best doctor for#that.“ and finally i found a doctor who gave me T but she was really hard to schedule with so i got another doctor who gave me T but then he#told me to that pickle juice was healthier than fruit juice for hydration and so i found another doctor who gave me t and i loved her but#she moved recently so now i have another doctor who gives me T but ive only seen him once and he wasnt at all familiar with the fact that im#also using hrt to manage my terrible periods/disabling pcos pain. but he still gave me T so it's fine.#like. its not very fun to self-advocate for my prescriptions. its not very fun that i had to create my own treatment plan and then find a#doctor willing to write me prescriptions. its not fun to self-medicate legally. i imagine that doing it illegally is even worse without fda#guidelines for the drugs and without access to safe sites to use them. obviously some people have figured out how to do it sustainably#and im not even mentioning the whole mess with how many communities first found access to drugs to self-medicate with.#anyways. ugh. i think its stupid that people want to take ivermectin for covid but by god they have a right to do so and i have a right to T#soren-hootin-in-the-tags

^prev tags

Bodily autonomy includes the right to do drugs. Yes, even the drugs YOU think are bad and scary and dangerous.

People absolutely deserve access to free, compassionate recovery resources, but ONLY if they want them and find them useful.

You have to understand just how many "rehab" programs are effectively prisons, cults, or both. You have to understand and be compassionate toward the reasons behind self-medication. And above all else, you have to LISTEN to drug users about what is actually effective, useful, and wanted aid.

Otherwise you're just part of the problem.

[transitioningpirate]

omgggg i haven't posted anything here for so long!!! i'm so sorry, i forgot i had made this blog and i've been so busy D:

i have to say though things have been going fairly well. i mean money's been a bit rough but nothing too bad, and i got a cat! he's the best and also he's a bastard <3 i have been on hrt for six months now and holy shit it's amazing.

the best thing i've noticed so far is that i barely ever get misgendered anymore. it still happened a lot before hrt, but people used to do that "i'm confused about what you really are but i don't want you to notice..." thing, you know? but now almost everyone correctly assumes i'm a man and i've even had, on the rare occasion of someone assuming i'm a woman, had someone else (a stranger no less) correct that person. i personally haven't noticed many differences to my body aside from increased body hair and maybe a sharper jawline, but whatever people see is definetely enough to gender me correctly finally!

i have definetely noticed my voice has gotten a lot more masculine which is really fun too! i used to get so concerned over public speaking, trying to unnaturally deepen my voice, but now even when i don't do that i'm still not misgendered, it's so amazing :D

my skin quality dropped significantly :( but thats really the only single downside ive had lmao my sex drive has also been much higher and bottom growth is happening a lot faster than expected!! also my curls seem to be a bit thicker but i dont know if thats a result of me finally being comfortable with letting my hair grow a bit or if it's some weird side effect of t. being more comfortable is something thats insane to me. i never knew what a few "sir"s and "mister"s could do to a mf lol

today i even went outside not binding at all which usually would make me wish for the sweet relief of death but honestly? i didnt even care this time. based around the amount of strangers that called me sir, man, dude, guy, mister and used the right pronouns without me saying anything in these pasts few months, i can safely assume i just honestly look like a guy with boobs. and since i was just going to get something with the doorman really quickly i didn't even bother. and it didnt make me uncomfortable! im sure it would have if i had gone any further but as it was? i did just fine. and i love that.

also, i finally got the confidence to die my hair a bright color (green!!) and im slowly getting back into using eyeliner which is something i enjoyed a lot before dysphoria started kicking my ass!!

all in all, 10/10, loving it so much. if i could marry hrt i would. this is so much better than i expected and so much faster too. im so happy i cant even put it into words that accurately quantify how much joy this has been bringing me :')

[dog-teeth]

is there anything you wish you had known before starting T? are there any effects that you dislike? sorry if this is too personal, i'm just trying to make sure i'm making a good decision. i'm agender but i want to present more masc but i'm scared that i'll end up hating the effects of T even though there are some things that i really really want from it. also, i love your art!

no worries im honestly fine with talking about almost all transition/gender related stuff! im gonna talk (p non-explicitly) about sex and body stuff so i’ll put this under the cut

there aren’t any effects i dislike. when i started there were things that i was very nervous for because i thought i would hate them but ended up loving them. i prefer almost everything i experience on hrt, or i don’t care about it, so for example i LOVE my voice now & i love the way T makes me feel emotionally (both physiologically and psychologically), but i don’t care about having facial hair because i always shave it but it’s not that much of a hassle and sometimes stubble is cute. i don’t care for the body hair either bc i was already basically as hairy as a cis man pre-T, i even liked my old leg hair better because the texture was less coarse. the only thing i like better not on T is sexual sensations, but honestly i dont have sex so it doesn’t matter lol. i was v scared for bottom growth and was certain i would hate it but it actually rules i love it (i don’t love that i need like three times as much lube now tho cuz ur ability to naturally lubricate goes way down) also this was one of the most uncomfortable changes at first cuz it makes the clit very tender and sensitive and it will rub against your underwear and be really uncomfy with friction, so make sure u have soft underwear and loose pants. sorry for talking about my genitalia but tbh there is nowhere near enough information about trans bodies and its one of the least discussed aspects of hrt.

however, i was not always this content with taking T! it was a rocky start! there’s nothing that bothers me now, but when i was first starting, a lot bothered me. i was SO sweaty for NO reason, my voice HONKED like a third of the time i opened my mouth, i was VERY ANGRY very quickly, and i was so so hungry!!! snacking forever!! all of these things mellowed out over the first few months, i’m back to not sweating very much and being able to speak like a human person and my anger is actually significantly more manageable than it was pre-T because it comes and goes easily which means i no longer fester deep frustration and anger all the time. i think my appetite leveled out but it’s still higher than before, i gained a couple pounds but it wasn’t a lot.

i don’t want to pressure or sway anyones decision to take hrt, but i would say that your body and mind are so very capable of adapting to new things & even if you end up not liking some parts of hrt you will be able to deal with them and move on, and most of the things that are nerve-wracking end up being fine. its super super scary to try taking hrt since so much is permanent changes to your body. but you can always take a low dose to make the changes happen slower, and like i said you get used to things way easier than you think you will.

i was really really really scared and uncertain when i started T, but i’m so glad i made the jump to do it! i could never have imagined how much it would improve my life! there were so many things i was terrified of - doing irreparable “damage” to my body, regretting it, being read as male, certain specific physical effects, etc. i also didn’t know anybody irl who took T, just my beautiful lovely trans woman friend who started E years ago while we were friends, so seeing her go through the process inspired me a lot. we r both so sexy now like we were sexy before but honestly hrt has made us unstoppable & i love it for us. i definitely couldn’t have done it without her support. i’m getting off track, my point was that i didn’t know anybody on T so i couldn’t see firsthand what it was like, i was basically my own experiment, and it was so scary. but eventually i reached the mindset of “i’m so fucking miserable and something needs to change and i’m not 100% certain it’s this but i need to try because i can’t spend the rest of my life wondering about it and if i do end up hating it i’ll just fucking deal with it from there” i would def recommend being more certain than i was but i do think theres a lot about hrt you just wont know how youll react to until it happens. above all my fears, i just wanted it, and all my fears were very surface-level (what if i hate my body [i already hate my body] what if i hate how people percieve me [i already hate how people percieve me] what if it makes me miserable [i’m already miserable] what if i regret taking it [what if i regret not taking it or i miss out on an opportunity to be happy] )

i cant tell you if T is the right choice for you, but i can tell you that i also had fears and uncertainties before starting, and that if you do end up hating it you’ll be able to adapt.

[anxietysroomsupport]

For context, hate going over to my dad's. He used to be a big shit and that just made me grow up to really not like him and maybe it's unfair but I dont like him. I also dont like my step mom (who lives with him) so that entire house is just one big shithole to me (minus my two little brothers who I love). My dad wants me to come over a lot but again I hate it so I try and make excuses or decline or just try and put off coming over as much as I can. (1/2?)

Hoenstly the only reaosn I havent cut them out entirely is because of my brothers and the fact that my dad has a lot of custody over me (technically he can force me over but not really? It's weird and I dont get it either). I jsut came out as trans to both of my parents and my mom supports me in starting hrt but she isn't able to pay for it. I cant pay for it either because I dont have a job yet. My dad is the person keeping us financially stable rn (not that my mom doesnt do stuff tho) (2/3?)

(3/3?) And I feel rlly bad when he get some stuff like art supplies and clothes and offers to buy me food bc of how much I dont like him or being around him and I know that he loves me a lot but when it comes to supporting our needs like bills and stuff ig I dont mind since it isnt for me, it's for all of us. Anyway since me and my mom cant pay for hrt I have to be ask my dad (tbh I dont even know if he'll let me start hrt) and I feel like I'd have a better chance at gaining his support (3/4?)

(4/4?) If I went over more and (this is gonna sound bad) butter him up a bit. It sounds terrible and I know I'm using him and taking advantage bc I dont even like him but I feel like I owe him something and waiting for hrt doesnt feel like an option for me. The only things holding me back is paying for it and my dad's permission and those can be solved easily (at least the financial part, idk about his permission yet) but I feel so bad bc I know what I'm doing is so shitty. I jsut wanted to rant

Hi Anon,

It’s really not that terrible to take advantage of your dad in this way.  Buying things like art supplies and clothes and food is a very common thing parents do for their kids if they can.  If you want to ask him to help pay for HRT, I say go for it!

Buttering him up may backfire though, if you obviously act nicer toward him until you get HRT paid for.  It could make him actually feel used.  And how long would you have to keep up the extra displays of love?  Prescriptions are an ongoing expense, so it wouldn’t be a one-and-done situation.  If he realized you were being nicer because he was paying for HRT, would he use that knowledge against you?

Try asking him about it without doing more for him than normal.  If he’s willing to, then you won’t have to be extra nice to him.  If not, maybe that’s the time when some light negotiations could be useful, like spending more time together.  Frame spending time with him as something you would have more time and energy for if you weren’t so stressed about how you were going to pay for HRT, because it’s so important to you.

You don’t really owe him anything, but you can choose to trade your time for his support.  It just depends on how You feel about it.  I may think it’s fine, but you should listen to your own personal moral code to decide if this is something you can do and feel okay about.  

-Miss Fay

[valla-chan]

copying this from my own tags cause actually i want to talk about this on the post after all.

Warning: Long text! feel free to skip!

I feel like having one parent of one kind and one of the other made me this fucking mess that i am now, in a way. It was never explicit or outright but it Never Needed To Be.

I would get harassed for my nails and hair and mannerisms and be made the butt of jokes that i didnt understand by one parent, and then the other would tell me im great the way i am. i guess also there was some kind of ongoing speculation between them as to what my sexuality was?? i do remember that.

It really created this strong, unrelenting feeling that i have a very narrow path to tread before people begin speculating on the different ways that i'm actually somehow fucked up or weird in an unlovable way, but as long as i tread lightly then i can toe the line.

of course, my life has improved since then because they split when i was a preteen (#aayyyy) but it did last long enough to do damage...

(otherwise how else do you explain trying to always "lose people's trail on you", when you feel like theyre onto stuff going on in your head? Trying to maintain the image people have of you, so they dont fall apart at how disgusting you actually are, or instead start drawing uncomfortable connections that will lead to them to that realization anyway? “Finding out”? Finding out what? Who the fuck knows by now! but theyre gonna find me out! and then theyre gonna hate me!)

Results?

For at least a decade and a half everyone has been “Going to Find It Out” about me and i have no fucking clue what that means anymore. because ive already come out and transitioned n shit, and ive been fine for it. that was like my biggest secret for a while. But that feeling of people i care about "finding out" is real enough to keep me from doing anything! (other than hrt cause i woulda literally have offed myself if i had to live even 5 more years as a guy... so thank fuck for the support yknow lol cause otherwise i would have figured out some DIY shit under the table by then. but other, more surface level pursuits still feel off the table, because they are not motivated by literal death if i dont do them in time.)

But its like... the damage is already done.

ive got a supportive family. even the worst of most of them have come around.

But those mental patterns are Mine now. Those thoughts are not theirs to take back anymore.

I have internalized those years of uncomfortable treatment into my own mind and how i work. thats on me now, and im trying to explore and help myself now and its hard.

So make sure to constantly tell your kids that you would love them even if they turned into a fuckin slug. And more importantly, that you accept them and promote them for everything they want to stand for even if you dont agree. Cause MAN, even for maybe not intending to do anything wrong、that shit influenced and ruined every interaction and decision in my life since! Theres no taking that back, even if done on accident through just being a goober parent influenced by current social norms! So imagine doing that level of harm on purpose!

You will create a kid that doesnt have to wonder on the extent of the bounds of how much they will be loved, they will KNOW those bounds. They will feel those bounds in every decision they make and every choice they consider. They will know FOR SURE that they will not be loved for themselves、and that will be on YOU.

and a word of advice, love their potential too... love their choices and their visions and the people they look up to. Cause people change. They are designed to.

you cant just love someone for who they are now and not those other things、or they will be stuck in trying to be that person for life.

And to anyone who reads this who knows me, hi! If this says anything about me as a person, then good! It should!

I think that my mid 20s are going to be some of the most intense self reflection ive had yet, and hopefully that actually goes somewhere unlike how it never does. so forgive, me voices and memories, for becoming someone who i like and who the people i hate don't.

[sillymeter]

oh my GOD i cannot believe i have to hold your hand and walk you through this. let’s break this down piece by fucking piece since clearly you cant think for yourself @ace-altair​ here’s the image im referring to

i dont know what some of these refer to and some of these are just borderline free spaces because blah blah stereotype. fucking whatever just say you think we dont have personalities. - emotional just say you think we’re all hysterical and leave. fucking freak - accidentally fell for a straight girl what does this mean. what does this fucking mean. anyone can have a crush on anyone. why is this in here.  - keysmash once again just say you all think we sit around going SWGHHAGBHJG and thinking about girls.  - watches lesbian tiktoks ah yes suck up to the corporation why don’t you. i don’t watch these tiktoks nor do i go on tiktok so idk what exactly this is talking about but. you know. - overuses heart emojis i dont really know what to say to this one. cant explain why this makes me mad. too tired. - can’t sit right LOLL SO QUIRKY!!!! LOLLL!  - girl in red i think the quotes mean someone else is asking this. why is this here. who fucking cares. its music. - short nails idk what to say to this one. i really am bewildered why you would put this on here. puzzling me. its not bad or anything i don’t think it’s just a weird thing to say. - wears flannels i 100% bet the only exposure you’ve had to lesbian culture is popular ( FOR SOME REASON ) tumblr posts about wearing flannel in the fall and going pumpkin picking with your girlfriend or some fucking thing. it’s clothes. it’s just clothes. - wears vans / converse ties directly in with the flannels thing. you forgot to add “wears a beanie” go ahead complete the “i don’t think they have actual styles and opinions, what do you mean they’re real people” trio. go ahead. - HNGGG- WOMEN PRETTY if i met you i would spit directly on your face. (also leaving out nonbinaries in this. i see you ) - thought you were bi once again, if i met you i would spit on you. identities can change over time. this is such a shitty thing to put on this. - can’t drive *spits on you.* go ahead and say you think we’re all stupid people who can’t think for ourselves and all we do is sit around thinking about women, crytyping, keysmashing, and spamming heart emojis in our vans and sipping starbucks. i fucking despise you - types only in lowercase BUT NOT WHEN WE’RE SCREAMING!! OMG!!! QUIRKY!! LOL!!! Sorry to say I don’t type like a proper person. Is this better?  - will fight homo-phobes something something aggressive lesbian stereotype. just say you think we’re brainless animals already i’m tired of waiting to hear you explain it and you refuse to or direct me to something completely fucking different - awkward flirt sorry you think we’re all shy widdle wesbians who can’t talk to girls without keysmashing. hope your brain gets better soon anyway thats kind of all i have to say about those in specific. let’s get into the general shittiness. - you don’t mention nonbinary people in this at all. in fact, you go OUT of your way to only mention girls. - you treat us like (shocker!) a stereotype. which is exactly what these cards do, and you shouldn’t have made them in the first place. horrible move on your part. really a bad idea. OHHH BUT IM NOT DONE YET! let’s get into the nonbinary bingo so you can understand why i want to yell at you so bad

- is out irl not all of us live in safe situations.

- “that’s not real!?” - “what’s in your pants?” - “there’s only two genders!!” - “are you a boy/girl?” - always misgendered why are all the gender bingo cards about being misgendered or having horrible things said to you? what the fuck makes you think anyone would want to hear this? genuinely why are the gender bingo cards so fucking centered around suffering? - masc/femme ( isnt femme a lesbian term? like specifically a lesbian term? i’m very tired and i might be remembering wrong.) - name is a noun - has short hair - wears a binder/bra - uses they/them - has anxiety - plans to/ takes HRT - andro-gynous - uses neo-pronouns - dyed hair ohh it’s all just a fucking nightmare isn’t it. some people are comfortable with their fucking bodies you freak. im relatively fine with mine but this card actually made me feel like i was doing something wrong for a moment because i didn’t hate my body enough. fuck you. fuck you from the bottom of my heart.  you’re completely incapable of thinking of nonbinary people as anything other than someone (skinny and white, most likely) wearing a binder with a dyed undercut. people fucking exist.  i can’t really talk much on this topic because i grew up in a very toxic western culture and i am white, but there are other cultures where nonbinary people are a thing. this isn’t a western-crafted identity, and you are treating it like one. that is horrible. EDIT: adding more to this. your view of nonbinary people is very eurocentric and westernized. that’s what i meant.  - is an artist wah wah im gonna write poetry/paint about how much i hate my body wah wah. fuck you. what a weird thing to put in a bingo space - listens to cavetown once again. these bingo cards were a fucking horrible idea. why would you ever make bingo cards from stereotypes. what is wrong with you? i might add onto this later. im tired and have not slept in a long time. these cards made me very very angry at myself because i was worried i was doing something wrong, for some reason. stereotypes are harmful.

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[alreadyundermygenjutsu]

i need to get androgynous and there's a lot of things i need to do before this might become a reality for me but i might go on T. I'll have to see i will definitely see a gender therapist before all of that and i also know u cant pick and choose how hrt affects you so im kind of terrified i might start growing facial hair like crazy because i have no idea of my Genes on my dads side. i dont! want that!! everything else would be fine except that

[auspicixus]

DAY 18 (of the blog..?)

hoo boy i discovered some things today.

so i had to go to hospital to have my birth control changed. microgynon everyday (30mg) was just... not doing me any favours. my acne worsens, my mood severely fucking swings, and it doesnt alter my periods at all aside from the fact that i was offsetting my bleed for almost exactly a week for the whole 3 months, which meant i had BAAAAD cramps when i was "naturally" supposed to be on, and then regular cramps when i was meant on withdrawl.

in all, generally not nice. its almost like my body actively works to reject oestrogen.

i dismissed these symptoms (minus the non-relevent delayed period thing) when i was on these pills last year because i went through a very rough breakup the second week into the run. i got very depressed and never continued the pills, so i assumed my angst and depressive mood was unrelated to the pills.

upon speaking with the nurse i was given three options:

try some other pills

have an IUD

have the depo-provera injection

now, my problem with each of those was this:

i dont want to be jumping from pill to pill until i find one that works in the first three months

IUDs can be ouchie, i dont know how id handle the anesthetic (because i wouldnt be able to tell my parents and i have no way of getting home without my father knowing), also there was a 6-8 week waiting list on IUDs of any sort.

im a big squeamish baby and hate needles

i told the nurse i am trans and she said that short term (until i can begin HRT) having the injection, and long term having a Mirena coil (just before i start T, so i can stop the injection in a timely manner) is my best course of action.

ultimately, i agreed with her. id love a chance at 0 periods & no pregnancy! she explained that this injecion is usually done in the - er - backside, and asked if id ever had one there before. i said no and asked if i could have my partner in the room and lay down on the bed (since im not always good with injextions and can get woozy pretty easily).

really? honestly? why did i even bother asking!

okay, i retract that a little. laying down meant i could assure i didnt tense my arse weird from balance issues (she said most people had it while stood up!!) and cause complications.

my point is it didnt hurt. at all. you know how they always say "you'll just feel a scratch"? i literally only felt a scratch. i feel sorry for my partner, who had his hand gripped to hell while i anticipated it, all for me to only let go and respond with "oh." - it really was a "is that it???" situation.

no wonder T is often injected there!

i want to ease worries even further: i experienced no post-injection issues that werent caused by my dumb anxiety or the heat. i had the injection around 12 hours ago now, and i still feel fine.

what i went through was this:

nearly as soon as i stood up i had a little "spikey" in the back of my throat... which was an anxiety thing because as soon as i thought "this is anxiety" it went away.

i felt dizzy and sick... because i overworked my anxiety, i stood up too fast, i left the room too fast, and the temperature had rapidly risen from 19° to 26° (id also had the injection in a temperature controlled room, but the rest of the clinic, and the outside was about 5° and 10° temperature different respectively).

i was nauseous... because i got on a bus no less than 10 minutes after and sat upstairs, in the sun.

i had weak legs... because i sat on one of those slanted bus stop seats and was realistically too short for it (also because i was balancing on it weird because i didnt want to cause excessive trauma to the area by sitting on it so harshly).

what im saying is: seriously dont fret it. your anxiety (and the weather) will be your worst enemy if you have a rearside injection.

additionally, the site itself? i cant see it. i couldnt see it five minutes after, either. i couldnt even really feel it (by applying pressure) five minutes after. i didnt catch the size of the needle because of my anxiousness, but it really must have been small, or the site just healed fast because it was gone. bruising is a possibility, but i dont usually bruise that badly after arm injections/samples so i dont even think ill see any of that.

so id say, unless you plan to go around literally dragging your ass on concrete immediately after having the injection, you will be fine. i didnt even have a plaster on it. thats how you know im a big boy.

i almost cant wait to be on T, so i can brag about how it doesnt hurt like i thought. im no longer afraid.

[trans-guy-positive-blog]

URGENT: Help my parents want me to go to the hospital bc im feeling suicidal im so scared and i dont know how its gonna go and being trans makes it more scary, i live in the US if thats important

Hey there, im sorry youre feeling so bad. Going to the hospital is a really good idea if youre suicidal. I know its scary, but it really can help keep you safe. You can learn coping skills and find vakuabke resources for you and your family.

In the past year ive been in a psychiatric hospital 3 different times (1 hospital the first 2, another one for the 3rd) so Ive been where you are. The first time I stayed 7 days, the second time I stayed 6 days, and the third time it was 8 days. Obviously things can differ state to state but im gonna give you the general protocol of things to make it a little less scary. Going to the hospital (all 3 times) was the best choice i could’ve made tbh. Im gonna give you the whole process. All of it may not apply to you depending on what the doctors say, but ill put it here anyway just in case

First you go to the ER. They will give you a bracelet with you name on it which can be dysphoria inducing if your name isnt legally changed. Sometimes it will also have your legal gender on it too. They will do intake (ask why youre there, blood pressure, weight, pulse) and then youll wait to be called. They may have a security guard sit near you if youre not with your parents (they might do that anyway though).

After this they will take you to a crisis unit. This may be called a Behavioral Health Unit instead of crisis, its the same thing. Here they will have you give them everything you have (cellphone, headphones, shoes, wallet, etc). They may also take your jewlery. Some places also will have you change into scrubs and they will take your clothes. They will have you change in a room but someone will likely need to watch you change in the room or they will look through a 2 way mirror. In this process they might also take your binder. The first time I explained why i needed to keep it and i cried a lot and begged. The next time i told them i will not take it off. The third time they didnt ask. They will also scan your body with a metal detector wand and possibly give you a patdown. If you are packing, they will have you remove it. I suggest not packing when you go to the ER.

They will bring you to a room that has a bed and walls. There also may be a door on the room, but no lock. Sometimes a bathroom is also attached to the room. You can usualy have a pillow and blanket. They may bring chairs in if your parents are allowed to stay with you (some places dont allow parents past a certian hour). They also can give you water and some food here of you ask (sometimes they will automatically offer if its a meal time). Here you will usually be asked to give a urine sample and they sometimes draw blood. There also may be a phone that you can use to make calls, so be sure to know peoples numbers.

Youll meet with a psychiatrist who will evaluate you. Expect questions about wanting to die or harm yourself, about hallucinations, about your mental health history, any medications youre on, and about being trans. The psychiatrist will then determine whether you are a threat to yourself or others. If you are, they will want to admit you. Depending on your insurance and where you live, you might get to pick which facility you go to. It is A LOT easier to consent to being admitted as a voluntary patient than it is to be involuntary (involuntary patients are forced to be there by court order). You will then be transported by ambulance to the psychiatric hospital. The psych hospital may be in the same building as the regular hospital, and in that case they will transport you by stretcher.

(Your parents may or may not be present for this depending on where you go) Once you arrive at the psych hospital, youll do intake again. They will take vitals and ask you a million questions about how youre feeling and what your history is. You may get misgendered a lot here. Correct them and be consistent even though its scary. You might also get a tour of the floor and have some thing explained to you. It will help in the long run. Because youre trans, the rooming situation might be weird. The first 2 times i was at a hospital that wasnt educated about trans stuff so i was forced into a single room because i was apparently a sexual predator bc im trans. The third time i was at a different hospital and they were a lot better. There i had a trans roommate, a girl, and a guy (we all kept switching rooms).

In the hospital, you might be one on one supervision until they decide you arent gonna harm yourself or others. Hospitals have a psychiatric nursing staff, psychiatrist, and different kinds of therapists and counselors. Youll probably have group therapy, one on one meeting with the doctor, family therapy or meetings, group activities like games or movies, coping skill groups, etc. You may also have school built into the schedule, where you can get work from your school sent to you or dropped off. (Nothing online, no computers). A theraputic teacher will be there to supervise and they may give assignments as well. Youll also have some free time to journal or watch tv or color. Your floor might also go outside. Meals are either in the cafeteria or on your unit. It depnds where you are and how safe you are. All of this really depends on where you are though. Your parents can also come visit and possibly friends or teachers or religious leaders. You can also make phone calls. Who is allowed to visit/call depends on the facility. They will keep you at the hospital until you are safe enough to go home. They will most likely put you on medication and have you see a therapist and psychiatrist after you go home. You may also have to do IOP, which is intensive outpatient therpay, where you go a few times a week to group therapy and individual counseling. You can refuse to go if you dont want to, but its suggested. IOP is really a hit or miss.

That’s basically the process. Another thing to mention is that your parents should bring you a bag of stuff. This should include clothes, hygeine stuff, towels, notebook, coloring book, books to read, schoowork, etc. Also be sure to have a sweatshirt and some long sleeves, as well as fuzzy socks or thick socks because it will be cold. You can’t have anything with strings so take them out before or the hospital will take them out or cut them off. The hospital will be able to tell what you can and cant have. Its different for each place. If you have specific concerns, be sure to vocalize them. I have severe allergies so I had to make sure i was allowed sheets and pillowcases and blankets from home or hypoallergenic ones from the hospital. I also needed to make sure i could have my own soap and shampoo and conditioner, as well as my lotions to keep my allergies calm. At one hospital i was automatically allowed all of that and at another i needed special permission. It all really depends on where you are.

I hope this was helpful. Going to the hospital is really scary, especially if its your first time, so being afraid is normal. My first time i cried for three days straight. Iam so proud of you for asking for help and i really hope you do go to the ER to get evaluated. If you (or anyone else) want to messgae me here or on my personal please do.

EDIT: I totally forgot to talk about HRT. If you are on testosteorne make sure they have it. I had to bring my own T and estorgen blockers to one of the hospitals i was at. They let me do my shot myself, supervised of course. They also took me off of my blocers for 3 days because they had to get it approved by their pharmacy which was really stressful. The other hospital had my estorgen blockers there so it was fine, and my time there didnt fall of a T shot day. But they said they had it for if i ended up staying longer.

Stay safe

-Emmett