#if you didnt have enough money to support a kid then you shouldnt have fucking asked me to move in with you dude

[forestryfae]

also they have like, when youre good enough at cleaninga nd keeping stuff clean and tidy and you have a good enough routine and you dont really need help with it anymore, you might be able to move into one of the apartments they have here at inpatient. and i rly hope im able to get into one soon ngl

problem is tho, i am not that good at keeping things clean and tidy. wish i was but i have to force myself to do it and that rarely starts to happen until it actually gets really really bad. last minute cleaning zoomies kind of fucked up arrangement in my brain i guess??? and on top of thta i completely fell out of my routine in like early november/december when i started having to plan to go home even tho i fucking hate that place. and then i got back an i got no fucking follow up or anything until i hadnt been to work in a month. like yeah maybe thats. maybe thats because i needed antidepressants and i didnt get to talk to a psychologist or anything when i got here cus they dont have one. and i didnt get any followups beyond "go to work" and i had no coping mechanisms or help to find any

like thats the worst part about this place. they take zero accountability for their own fuckups cus "you have to be responsible" like fuck off? do your fucking job so we dont have to be on your asses to get you to do One Single Thing

and they just dont actually undertsand that sometimes people struggle cus they grew up neglected and fucking terrified all the time. i very much would love to be able to not worry 24/7 about being normal enougha nd existing correctly but i am, again, unmedicated, have no therapy, was taught im not allowed to have emotions or im stupid as shit, i was yelled at for the tiniest fucking thing cus both of my parents are fucking insane, and i straight up did not grow up with any kind of like. they didnt teach me shit. showing your kid how to turn on a dishwasher or washingmachine is not the same as teaching your kid shit

mom took over EVERYTHING. i got my first apartment cus she wanted me out of the house so she got me one. i never had a choice in learning to drive cus she just signed me up for drivers lessons without telling me until after shed spent the money. she arranged to meet with a realtor without me and i didnt actually get much say in what house to buy if im being honest. i got to look at them, yeah, but i still needed her permission to buy them and she wouldnt let me look at any she didnt like or didnt think i should live in. shes been in charge of the renovation the whole time without talking to me, and just. bought stuff whenever with my money without consulting me. didnt bring me along for the stuff i did want to look at myself either, they just bought me stuff and that was that. why should i be involved in my own life after all

and thats what im grown up with. insults and yellinga nd screaming and being talked down to and degraded and mocked and bullied, zero fucking support, everything i do is supposed to be automated and they shouldnt have to act like parents at all, i should just know things. no teaching me shit, no actual good follow ups, not being involved in anything revolving myself. school was fucking horrible and i was not in any way helped or protected from that, they let me think it was my own fault i was being bullied and treated me the same fucking way the teachers and bullies did, there was pretty much no sympathy for that and they never fucking talke dto me about that, any mental illnesses are completely free for all to be mocked and ridiculed if they feel like it, and im lazy for being burnt out and crying literally every day for hours, no support, just. absolutely fucking horrible. i grew up with that. thats shit i didnt know wasnt normal. i didnt know none of that is how normal people treat eachother. i still feel like a fucking idiot whenever i set a basic boundary. there are foods i stay away from or hide from others that i eat because i used to get yelled at and shamed for eating them, im fucking scared to discuss stuff i want or want to do or think would be fun to try cus im worried ill be talked out of it or ridiculed, im constantly worried people fucking hate my guts or im about to be treated like dogshit for existing in a way i didnt know was wrong. like. i have to do my own fucking psychology lessons with myself cus i dont get help anywhere and i dont get help thats meaningful from anywhere. im so focused on Doing Things Right that i need to get a good grade in therapy. literally what the fuck

anyways i wish they had better ways to help people than just. do laundry go for a walk go to work socialize.

what if you hate yourself for doing laundry. or not doing it. or youre worried youll do it wrong. what if going for a walk fucking sucks because youre not supposed to have fun unless you have a good reason to do so, or youre scared youre not allowed to exist in the outside world and youll get yelled at for going for a walk, or you think people will be able to tell you dont know where youre going so theyll think youre a fuckking idiot. what if you cant socialize because you dont actually know how and noone ever taught you or treated you like you were important so you never learned. like. this is the kind of shit i still need help with. going to work is only gonna help so much. i still need help with the rest of. existing as a normal person.

but yeah anyways i think its dumb that they have in total 11 rooms with a bathroom, 1 room with a bathroom and kitchen, 2 small apartments, one cottage, two houses, and another large apartment. but we cant use the houses or the apartment because one house isnt technically liveable somehow?? under renovation ig? the other house had a pipe burst so now when you do laundry tehre your clothes smell like sewage afterwards, and the third apartment is being used by students like twice a year so noone can use it. its fucking dumb. give me the apartment for students. ill live with the students. i dont care. i just wanna make dinner on my own.

[summonhouse]

im going to ramble abt art websites for a bit and its maybe going to be disjointed and potentially mean bc 1. i speak for myself im not here to convince anyone of anything so i dont care about sounding nice? and 2. im feeling a little offkilter lately BUT

these are no more good art websites and its a pain to see a new art website crop up every week and everyones like, thisll be the one guys! bc i dont think in this day and age its possible.

first; websites should not be profittable. ive been thinking abt this w like, twitter and tumblr and deviantart too where the problem is that people want to make more profit- they dont want to break even, theyre not trying to cover the cost of hosting and paying employees, they need an excess. it shouldnt be like this bc thats how we get the lower in quality, thats how we get this trying to appeal to third party money providers and not users and its always bad and more than that its just unnecessary. every art website that people love are the ones that remain stagnant because its reliable, people do not want continual updates to the ui of something they depend upon for posting and money. new experimental features esp on art websites are just.. useless unless theyre asked for and the garbage fed to us isnt what we asked for.

what makes a good art website? something you can post images, gifs, perhaps low quality videos on, have larger text posts for pinning and smaller text posts for status updates. id say an important feature is a gallery and featured page- profile customization is also important, at the very least have icons, text around a username, descriptions, and headers.

can you tell im thinking of deviantart? i think deviantart is the premium art website and i am so sad everyone left at eclipse- honestly not even that sad at eclipse. it was bad, it was broken, deviantart now has a fuck ton of little holes in it where pages just dont load right, ill get on the fucking new notification page and user profile later, but the way that, in the old days, it had huge spanning galleries, and it had “post type” search too! and it was annoying at the time, we hated this, trying to pick what kind of art your posts were, but it helped make searching for specific posts so much easier (now trying to find gifs on my old accs without it is impossible..). thumbs were good easy ways for ppl to spread content meant to be spread while immediately linking to the actual post- it stopped people from reposting art or using html linking the image itself without a hyperlink to take back to the post and credit, because the thumb was immediately easy to use and way easier than working around it. there was so much... community. like ok from 14-16 i was harassed hard fucking core by adults on deviantart because i was an annoying whiny kid that used dA as my support platform, because from 11-14 it really was! everyone was nice to me- my art was hot dog shit, but i dont think i EVER got a comment calling it bad. i got a LOT of comments telling me that it was good, and i really did believe that! being a preteen drawing dogs online and getting genuine support, often from other artists of my ilk but not uncommonly by artists who were immediately visually BETTER than me really really helped me get to where i am now- i never doubted myself because i was surrounded by people who were so happy to draw just like me, and people loved to see everyone elses work and characters- the joy for characters and stories is really what propelled popularity even when my art wasnt good enough to uphold this. i remember seeing a post a long time ago mentioning that like... sites like dA remained bc they werent just for visual artists which is a great point too- it hosted lurkers really well, artists were really friendly to people who commented on their stuff even if they didnt post anything, im p sure it did fairly well for people who wrote a lot of content, i know some people got popular just because they commissioned people a lot, not bc they drew anything but bc their characters and name got popular.

i miss the old dA notification page, it was SO GOOODDD the folders for where you could store old notifications, the way it was so perfectly set up to maintain a bunch of different notifications all categorized by type, the way that they took note to stop posts that were submitted in multiple groups from appearing again and again in your notifs, the birthday warnings, it was just.. so sweet! page customization too- it was just so fun finding cute little things to put on your page, and so versatile and useful too because you could get like, boundary or commission status or language stamps on there! and like, when i was 14 i had recoded my page a few times over myself, it got me interested in html coding! and now its all gone- for what? because the sleek look is modern, and modern things get more money from investors, and the platforms dont appeal to users anymore, they appeal to investors, because they want more money- they need more money. its a hole they dug for themselves, kind of- i feel like people down the line hosting THEM want more money and so it dominos.

i loved points too, ik people thought they were useless and the worth was hard for ppl to get but $1=100 points was SO GOOD like i know buying points w usd incures a fee and so ur not getting 2000 points if you spend $20 but trading between people for a lesser fee was SO FUN i got banned for doing this a few times LMAO but it really brings a community together. it encourages younger ppl without paypal to try and do commission artwork without breaking the law, and it wasnt as if points were WORTHLESS, because i know i traded usd for them!

and like, everyones like.. twitter is better. twitter is chock full of algorithm nonesense, theres ads between every post, video audio doesnt really work right (if you click on a video on mobile it just decides you will hear every video you pass now. which will be in between every normal post in the form of a fucking ad), images get compressed to hell and ive never heard any information as to how to avoid this, gifs turn into bad videos, you still cant post multiple gifs (i think youre supposed to but well it doesnt fucking work!), just fucking try and host pixel art on here, theres on way to say long form things to people easily- “use threads” real talk, as a user, if i see a thread i do not click it, its too much work if not offered to me. i am 1 person and i represent hundreds who see your tweets. if you scroll down onto any featured popular post you will see nsfw or violent bigotry. i used to report every bit of bigotry i saw and got fast reception, near immediate banning- since owner turn over, a post disparagingly saying faggot has not been responded to in the past 48 hours. the community is fucking insane and i cant blame them, its how twitter is built- there is no separation between official posts and casual posts, like on deviantart wher ethere was differences between journals and statuses- everything youd post as a status that would have gone under the radar is a big proper real post, every comment you make is a big real post as well, it forces a lot of passing commentary to the forefront of peoples attention which of course incurs drama. and ofc its an ALGORITHM BASED PLATFORM which means it REWARDS RECEPTION, inlcuding NEGATIVE- any of your posts that you intended to have as private and only for your 5 followers if it gets enough traction gets blown out of proportion and every single other user will see it only as the post itself, as a big number post which means its open for ridicule. i feel like it was host to more psyops than dA ever was? dA had a bunch of trolls but never any govt psyops like that drug minor one

anyways new art platforms dont work out bc they dont have enough people or draw- if you just are allowing people to post images and text posts, even if you have better page customization id just use twitter because despite its cons it has the major pro of, you know, having people using it- if you make a new art platform every week, theres no real point to pursue any of them, id just wait and see which one flourished- and because i dont participate, they dont get clicks, they dont continue to grow, and they ALL die. anyways moderation is impossible in the way people like- i know everyone wants to believe their niche discourse is clean cut and actually go to show deeper oppression but moderators on websites do not care- discourse is ever evolving and so heated that they cannot afford to throw out a guess and likely no one ever explains themselves, just say This ideology is something or other. and we all want it to be so simple that everyone has the Right opinion on pro/antiship, or fetishes, or terfisms, or mogai, but i promise no matter how easy it seems to you there are thousands who violently refuse and will make up their own buzzwords about how their side is right and the other is something or other. like aside from banning slurs or cruelty they really cannot do much and likely would not ban people who have a special word in their description that you and you alone recognize as a dogwhistle for x ideology. this is the problem i know a few art websites had where they had to say clearly what they would and wouldnt allow and NO ONE was happy. also to revisit that point on hosting a lot of people, an art website that is JUST an art website is like.. its not going to get community or that response i mention from other ppl. if i get on a website just to post art, why would i comment on anyone elses?

and like, dA i know it has like front page or new algorithm which spotlights a LOT of fetish content, but honestly like. you just have to accept that theres going to be fetish content, its an art website, if you want new unseen artists spotlighted you have to acccept that in the fallout of that theres going to be fetish content.

so uhmmm theres nowhere to go and nothing to do. get your asses back on dA eclipse was glitchy and sucked and showed dA didnt respect user opinion but it has not been that bad. its functional at the very least and its only ever dysfunctional because YOU all left. i cant get reception not bc dA is broken but because theres no one left to see it

[one-pissed-off-child]

Why do single men absolutely refuse to stock their refrigerators 😭 and this guy can't cook at all I'm starving

[galaxymagick]

200913 @leo_jungtw instalive

he said hii with a kinda husky voice aaa and asking if we're doing well

"what are you guys doing these days? im doing well without hurting anywhere? (to a fan) eh you shouldnt push away ur studies (just to watch me)"

okay so he did house chores after he woke up and drank coffee, studied and composed a bit

he went to hyogi's house yesterday night but it was not that long then he went to his home and he said they didnt take selcas T.T

during march/april, he moved to another house(?) and doing some remodelling and said it was hard haha that he doesnt want to do it again in the future

okay he is reading japanese comments

omg he once reached 70kg but since it was hard to exercise and bcs he is currently controlling what he eats so he is now 68 kg T.T

a fan said that he was skinny during mydol but he said that his weight during that time was 68 kg omg

he said he didnt have any thought to lose weight so he will try to reach the weight that is easy to maintain(?) and can be reduced when he wants

fan: you will look good in any shape 

leo: haha i can just laugh at this..haha..

omg he didnt shave that much these days 

"you should do much more than you think in order to lose weight" 

okay he is not dieting he is just maintaining his health so he eats rice during lunch and eats salad for dinner

"hahaha of course my hair is black now" 

okay so he said you guys dont have to diet because of me just because im doing it.. 

so fans are asking him to show(i didnt catch it but i think his face?) for just a minute but he knows that we will share it among the fans so yeah..ahaha

he is playing a some part of his composed song aaa thank youu boi

he is using lots of genre in his music these days 

haha he is putting effort to lay down on bed before 11 or 12 am okay so it's about his bedtime guys

he cant read fanletters now since the policy in his current company doesnt allow it 

he and hyuk had about one to two glass of wine yesterday while talking about lots of thing..

"i wONT SAVE THIS LIVE"

oh he talked about the food truck support that marie antonoutte cast including him sent to minhyun for his drama and he said they always put short message such us "hwang minhyun hwaiting" lolololol

fan: why dont you show us your face

leo: noo it is just nothing.. i might show my face someday, who knows right?

"okayy we will see again in the next three weeks" then a fan asked "are you busy" and he really laugh cutely while saying "no im not busy haha"

fan: it's hard to prepare for work

leo: true especially during corona there will be not much oppurtunity but i do believe that you will do well

i wONT SAVE THIS LIVE AND I WONT UPLOAD SELCA AFTER THIS

are you resting well? (in english)

"yesss" (in english)

"minyul is currently at the age of puberty( like he is going to a mature phase) and he is not an ordinary kid, he really talks well and he will go to elementary school in 1 years and 6 months..im so shocked"

fan: nice to meet you leo

leo: wdym im about to sleep now

leo and his behavior calling minyul baby and minyul will be like "no pls call me kid now, my little sister is a baby now"

"so another week is starting tomorrow and i hope you guys will be spending it well, im thankful that we can meet like this and lets meet each other on a good day soon"

"eat well, dont go to crowded place, wear your mask, wash your hand, lets go for a long time, good night"

okay guys remember this okay!!

trans cr: @jaehwansfacts

ㅇㅅㅇ : Today I woke up then take a bath then drink coffee then clean my house then doing laundry then do this and that.. oh! I had English class today!

ㅇㅅㅇ: I came down after weighing 70kg! now I'm about 68kg..

ㅇㅅㅇ : (during doing laundry) I dont turn on the dryer because the scent of the fabric softener won't come. I tried about 5 fabric softeners but it doesn't fit so I just dry my laundry naturally.

ㅇㅅㅇ : (VIXX) Fan manager contacted me today saying that I said I'm trying to do live (instagram) twice a month but 3 weeks have passed, she even told me the exact date. So I said "alright..." (then do the live)

ㅇㅅㅇ : I'm working on many genres (writing and making song) these days. Leo-like song is great but Im trying to make non Leo-like song too!

ㅇㅅㅇ : Yesterday I went to Hyogi's house. We didnt take a selca. I made a scene and came back home..

ㅇㅅㅇ : We drink 1~2 glasses of wine and talk about this and that a lot..

ㅇㅅㅇ : Since jelpi is also having WFH (work from home), I havent read the fanletter since 3 weeks ago (till now). But I've received and read the letter I got before 3 weeks ago. Since its WFH I cant go to jelpi (to received the fanletter)

ㅇㅅㅇ: Minyool is going thru puberty. He is not an ordinary brat. He will be annoyed if someone called him "baby" he wants to be called "kid" Rolling on the floor laughing then I said to him "let's see when u understand the meaning of allowance money in two years, u will only come to find me.."

ㅇㅅㅇ: Today will be end soon. Just like what you said Im trying to do this Live till 11pm. It was a great time, and I'll see you soon, so don't be sad. Let's meet on a good day! Cheer up for another week! eat well and don't go to crowded places, make sure to wear a mask! Wash your hands well! Bye! Sleep well! Let's stay together for a long time, see you for a long time.

trans cr: @wantshik

taekwoon: anything is better than growing a mustache?

also taekwoon: i haven't been shaving these days

taekwoon: when i gain weight, i work out and go on a diet, you have to do more than what you can think of then you'll lose weight, if you don't you can't lose it

taekwoon: i don't eat salads for all three meals, i eat rice in the day and eat salad for dinner

taekwoon: "taekwoon ah you've lost weight" it's bc you haven't seen me recently~

taekwoon reading a comment: "what am i if i'm not on a diet"

taekwoon just played a piano melody from something he's working on ; _____ ; he said he's been working on many different genres, those that are leo-like and those that aren't

taekwoon said he's been reading all the fan letters recently~

taekwoon: i drank one, two? two glasses of wine with hyuk and we talked a lot

taekwoon said that 손준호님 bought him his washing machine djknsgkjk he was like "you joined (my live) to hear this right!!!" literally when he first realized he came in taekwoon was like ah why did you join !!! and someone commented that they just heard hyog's tone

taekwoon: "are you resting well enough?" yes~!

taekwoon refuses to save his live and he's like , even if i don't save my live some of yall will so don't worry lmao

taekwoon: (laughs) i'm going off, what's "it's nice to see you leo-nim"? lol

taekwoon: minyool isn't just an ordinary kid he talks really well and it surprised me

dksjngkdjgndk he says minyool gets annoyed when you call him a baby now bc he wants to be called a kid !!!! also when he's being a brat taekwoon's like just wait till two years later when you understand the concept of allowance and you'll come finding me LMAO

some of the songs he played during the live🎶

🎶 a safe place to land - sara bareilles ft. john legend 🎶 shiny - sara bareilles 🎶 norman fucking rockwell - lana del rey 🎶 happiness is a butterfly - lana del rey

trans cr: @liaxiovi

[creion]

gen z/millennial fma headcanons courtesy of me.

greed:

greed is friends with everyone in this au. everyone. he knows everyone.

no one knows greeds real name. he’s just greed. in this au thomas halbert doesnt have the url greed. greed does. hes not even that greedy and he most definitely blocks everyone who calls him out on it.

he’s mysterious in general. his youtube channel goes between him doing backflips off of things he shouldnt be doing back flips off of to a podcast about [some obscure political thing]? who is he?

greeds probably low key homeless like idk in an au where hes human i can imagine him showing up at one of his friends houses every night with like his one backpack of belongings like “hey im sleeping on ur couch and using ur shower” and no one really questions him because hes charming enough to get away with it yknow

except edward questions him. “ling isnt even here. wyd.” “please. if i dont shower i might die.” “fucking fine I GUESS”

greeds favorite place to go is ed and lings apartment because theyre nice and ling always feeds him and also eds funny and greed appreciates humor

this is just a general greed headcanon but god is he poly :3c i can and will fight about this.

ling:

GAY! TANA! MONGEAU! hes wild and a lot of people hate him even though hes really a giant sweetie. he’s best friends with greed and sometimes ling goes on greeds podcast so they can talk about their exercise regimen

hes dating edward of course. theres not more to this other than theyre dating and they love each other and Would kill for each other. also a lot of people probably dont think they have a deep relationship but im telling you. theyre star crossed lovers. its total romcom bullshit.

ling probably gets paid to go to parties. like thats his job and he makes good money doing it even though he has a masters in psychology. he just. goes to parties. pays off his student loans.

he does a lot of prank videos on youtube. think tgfbro but american and less edgy.

ling probably also models on occasion. like hes pretty enough that he just does it.

he shaves his head at some point or like maybe gets an undercut and no one can look at him for a month because its just weird. lings hair is like his identity.

he gets up to a lot of hijinks with greed. theyre probably a little gay together. edward doesnt care because its 2018 time 2 start normalizing polyamory ok.

ling spends actual money on new clothes for greed but the man always wears the same two outfits and although ling rarely gets angry this gets him a little riled

edward:

his youtube channel is just a mess kind of like greeds except with him its unintentional he just... does what he wants. theres videos of him showing off his physical prowess. like hes small but he WILL kick your fuckin ass. hes probably a black belt and is the physical embodiment of the navy seals rant.

sometimes he does vsauce style videos on youtube and everyone hates when he does it because hes memelord 69 but at the same time hes wicked smart

hes a physicist in this world and im serious it throws anyone who meets him for a loop.

ed gets asked a lot how roy is his dad if hes only 12 years older than him. eds answers are either “he found me and my brother as infants and has mothered us since” or “idk man”

ed accidentally starts a meme. he posts a bunch of pictures of ling either sleeping or passed out and idk the specifics of the meme but he starts a meme and it pains him. he consumes he does not create.

ed likes greed but he doesnt express it. “i dont like you” “[eyeroll] and???? im still eating ur leftovers”

ed actually does kick russel tringham in the head for a skit for one of lings vlogs. ed and russel are best friends even if russel genuinely did try to steal eds identity at some point and may or may not have put ed in debt for a few months

roy: 

hes one of ed’s professors much to eds dismay since roy is, technically, his adoptive father.

he probably argues with ed a lot in the middle of lectures (”hey dumbass thats not how it works” “im literally teaching you what you’re majoring in.” “yeah and im telling you that you’re wrong.”)

he’s like 35 in this au and technically a millennial. ed’s 21.

roy has an instagram and its literally just pictures of hughes and elicia and nina and ed and al

roy and hughes are most definitely a foster family and am i pulling this from my own fic yes i am can you stop me no you cant

hughes:

HES FINE. HES ALIVE.

all of the gen z kids in this au think hes awful bc of all the dad jokes and slightly outdated humor. hes not awful. hes perfect. hes doing his best.

he loves all four of his children.

he and gracia are best friends even if their marriage didnt work out for unknown reasons. they along with roy are GOOD PARENTS to elicia. you can pry this from my cold dead hands. canon can suck my chode.

lust:

shes not like greed she doesnt try to be mysterious. shes probably a beauty guru (SolarisCosmetics) and does a lot of tutorials like “Low Commitment Goth Makeup Tutorial”

shes unintentionally mysterious because for her first like 50 videos or so theres no commentary its just subtitles

her first video with commentary is like “i... apologize. i was not intending to be so... mysterious.” and shes actually very sweet and nice and you can fight me on this ok

greed is her adoptive brother and greed makes her bleep out his name and blur her mouth whenever she calls him by his name bc he likes to lurk in the background of her videos because hes an asshole

winry:

shes a mechanic in this au and i mean shes a mechanic in canon but she prob specializes in like. idk. cars. this is a headcanon list im not looking up specifics of mechanics point is she can rebuild an engine in an afternoon and everyone in this au is in love with her

BIG LESBIAN

she probably tries getting ed to go on double dates (him and ling with her and lan fan) but every single time he shoots her down and its to the point shes almost convinced that hes not even dating ling in the first place

greed is probably her biggest client. no one knows how he does it but his car is constantly breaking and winry is the only mechanic in his general vicinity who knows how to do her job worth a shit and also her repair shop has cool music and he probably finds excuses just to chill for the music

“[greed] please. if your fat ass is going to be taking up counter space AT LEAST help clean up” “excuse you my ass is FIRM AND PERKY.”

its probably a joke among ed’s following that winry DOES NOT put up with his shit and when winry gets asked out it shes just like “hes an asshole why the fuck do you think im gonna let him walk around all half cocked like that”

riza:

i like to think shes in the military in this au too. not like military military but maybe air force idk. imagine pilot riza. wow.

shes not on active duty or w/e but you KNOW shes in a foreign country going to college paid for by the government.

everyone in this au is at least bi and riza is no exception. she is dating olivier armstrong. they are in love u can pry this from my cold dead hands you fucking gremlins

edward is probably platonically in love with her. like when he gets to see her (which isnt often) he has to occasionally stop, put a hand on her shoulder, do the ‘boi’ hand (idk how else to describe it) and say, “i love you dont ever change” “thank you, edward.” “[hug]”

envy: 

a troll. like you know those troll blogs that are pretending to be otherkin or some really obscure gender w neopronouns (u do u but we all kno theres trolls). envy has one of those blogs.

envy is actually nonbinary irl but theyre very critical of “special snowflakes” (again u do u these headcanons dont necessarily reflect my opinions and as long as u aint hurting no one i support u) and they probably cyberbully ppl

envy is garbage in this fic

“god i hate you” “actually eat my ass, greed”

see greed is the opposite of ed w riza. he looks at envy and occasionally has to say “i fucking hate you”

theyre secrety buds but like... they annoy the shit out of each other. u kno they do.

ENVY STARTS A LOT OF DISCOURSE. THEY PROBABLY START A LOT OF HOMESTUCK DISCOURSE. GOD. here i am in 2018 writing about envy starting fucking homestuck discourse. its probably like davekat discourse too tbh

i know im forgetting alphonse, may/mei (i spell it mei), and lan fan but its like 4:19 am 

please send me asks if u have any feedback. or reply to this post. its up to u. i trust u to make the right decision. (there is no reight decision and honestly i need to go to bed)

[goddamned-catnapped]

Personal rant-- Long af just ignore this pls

Ok so like i have a highly dysfunctional family-- my dad works out of my country but he never pays anything for us; not even school/college fees for me and my sis and so on. My mother also used to work outside and used to give the whole fam financial support but now she's retired. Mom and Dad haven't talked to each other for over 20 days. Mom has a stress facture in her ankle and has trouble walking. She also once fainted at her workplace but Dad still doesn't care. Dad has never done anything for us yet he says he loves us and so on and moreover he used to ask mom for money now and then. My relatives aren't nice either-- my mom has three sisters out of which she's the eldest one and the second probably doesnt even know we exist and ive never seen her and she's out somewhere in libya and the third is very selfish and has a lot of pride and the last fourth one is a fucking bitch-- always cynical and backbites and shit. My grandmother is also selfish and arrogant and does not let a week pass by without creating problems. I think I have depression-- no i KNOW i have depression and that's not because ive had the symptoms for just a week-- ive been like this for over 3 years or more. Moreover I cut myself first when I was 11 and even now people tend to think we are just following an internet trend. I also know I have depersonalization-derealization disorder because I have the symptoms. I wasnt able to tell my mother that i even had depression so i made my sis tell her (she found out by accident because she saw my scars) and my mother didnt really talk to me about it and instead took my symptoms (headaches & mood swings + hypersomnia; sis didnt go into much detail) as something that was not related to my mental disorder and said "Change yourself". I had stayed away from my family for over two and a half years to study alone with my grandmother and my fourth aunt and they are very toxic kind of people-- they remain nice and suddenly stab you with knives out of nowhere. I've suffered a lot because of them and because of the toxic classmates I had in 10th grade-- I made no friends there. i cant tell my mom because she already worries too much. But she sometimes screams at me if i make a small mistake and cusses and takes out the anger and frustration of other people on me. I always thought that we are a family so who would we scream at if not at each other-- understanding and shit you know. But when I feel suffocated and so fucking horrible inside i dont tell that to anyone so if I get even slightly irritated-- my mom cannot tolerate that either. She's a very meticulous person so I try to live up to her expectations and sometimes I really wish she'd at least say "well done". It really hurts honestly. It hurts a lot. I didnt want to burden her with my problems so I never said anything. She always talks about how she has suffered and what not. If she was bring irritated with me (which is very often), and i told her to not cause too many problems because I already deal with a lot She'd say-- (no she HAS actually already told me)-- What "problems" do you even have huh? Honestly, I try to keep up with this family. But I just really want to die. I dont know why my family has to be like this. I have friends now and I am a senior and all my friends always talk about stories about the funny moments theyve had with their parents and what not while I have none. I always keep a straight face when mom tells me about how awful dad is. It really hurts because our relationships are so strained that it makes me want to cry when I see other people's parents loving their kids and having a happy family overall. I dont even remember the last time we all sat together and laughed. I always help people but even now I dont know how to ask for help. These past years all I have done is cry behind locked doors, put on fake smiles and cut myself almost every single day. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize myself and I don't feel like I am me or I am my own person. "So this is how I look like to other people" is the first thought that comes to mind. Because I was so alone I made online friends but most of them were toxic too and its amazing how I have not killed myself yet. I dont like how my face looks and maybe I am the only one who is not happy with her skin color. I know it shouldnt bother me but I am slightly chubby, have acne (almost no one in my class has that) and I am brown. I try to think positively but it feels so fake and i get even more frustrated with myself. When i cut myself i (almost never) bleed but it leaves scars that takes months to heal even small scratches but even now my left arm is slightly discolored. My mom wants dad to provide us with financial support and so she tells us to indirectly take out the money from him like some sort of a politician. Why. Is this how the relations in a family work? I have to act like i am not affected by any of this because i dont want to make problems for my mother. But neither does she have time for me nor does she care enough. You know, I would live on streets and have diseases if that meant that I would have someone who would understand me. Even from when I was young, my sister was in another country and mom and dad were almost always out for work and i would be left with my maids. I have never had anyone to emotionally connect with. I really want to help and even though I am so talkative-- the words that are important to say never come out. When I talk to people, I don't recognize my voice and if I do, it feels very fake and i dont even like the words coming out of my mouth. I have become so mentally unstable that I became so hostile to an extent that I was about to attack my mother and thought to just kill her right then and there and the next day while she was talking to me, i just thought "this was the person i wanted to kill huh?" and that really scared me. I have never felt any love from my mom's side and have never emotionally connected with her so at this point I don't know how it feels to have a mother or a father. It's the same as being an orphan for me. Even surrounded by people, I feel alone. I hate that I cant say something simple like "I am in pain and I want you to help me". Whenever I get really angry or frustrated, if I dont cut myself, I either dont eat or I just become very violent with myself. I think maybe I just tend to introspect a lot (if thats what its called). When i finally did tell someone (a net friend) that i had depression, he just said 'you dont have depression' and when i was trying to console his friend and just told him that yanno i had depression but shit happens so you shouldnt feel so down and stuff, he (not his friend) made a group with me and my sister and said that i wanted attention so i keep telling everyone that i had depression. It was a long time ago but i still remember all of it. I remember how my mother slapped me once so hard that my cheek turned blue when it wasnt even my fault. I remember she was hitting me with some pole for something I had not done. Once she even told me "why did i even give birth to you" when she wanted me to just check out a dress and show it to her and dad and i just had a straight face on and that annoyed her cuz it looked gloomy or my annoyed face and shit. It has always been easier for her to tell others she is suffering and to scream at me and call me a bitch and other things whenever she feels like and wants to. She has never said sorry to me and almost all the times i have kept quite and i never told her about how i had felt like shit and wanted to cry and had suicidal thoughts almost all the time. All I have been made to feel is that its my fault and i have even tried to stand up for myself but no one ever listens to me or cares at all. Even now presently i am hiding my tears for some fucking dumbass reason that I dont want my mom to see it because if i tell her to leave me alone she will not listen. When i get like this and feel suffocated, I avoid eye contact because it would feel so intrusive if someone looked at me straight in the eye and found out all my deepest dark secrets. I am not the positive, helpful, happy, funny, talkative friend/person that I show to others because its all just a facade to hide the fact that i am actually a very pessimistic and cold type of person. I know i would have the coldest eyes if I ever showed that self. I envy people who are happy and have happy lives and I despise and hate so much that I want the people who hurt me to suffer so much that theyd want to die. And some times i hate everyone and want them all to die. At this point i dont care if my family dies because it feels as if they are just some people i know. My mother has just become an annoying roommate who demands more respect than is to be given to the average person is all. I dont feel like i have any relation with my father. Me and my sister's relationship is the "so close yet so far away". Yes, I am trash and an overall disgusting person who can never be as good as others nor be able to give others happiness or make things better for anyone and cant do anything except create more problems for everyone and cant help but sometimes be too nice to people so much so that i get hurt and so i become a little too cruel which again fills me with guilt and there is no in-between. I really just want to kill myself because maybe it'll do someone some good and if not.. then its still fine, I wouldnt care because I would be dead by then anyway.

[punkscowardschampions]

Carly & Ali

Carly: heard from drew? Carly: long shot Ali: Ha, good one Carls Ali: God no Ali: he's AWOL? Carly: yea Carly: gimme calebs number? Carly: longer shot Ali: 'Course but doubt they're chillin' Ali: and he might act like saying his name invokes him to pop up like a demon but you know Ali: Have you spoken to Meena? Surely he's keeping her in the loop Carly: shes not picking up Carly: to me Carly: same as my mum and dad Ali: That's not like her, she's probably just busy, keep trying Ali: As for your 'rents, where have they gone? And why do you need Drew so urgent? Gah, sorry, so many questions Ali: Just go with this one, are you okay? Carly: ive been trying ages Carly: shes not on spanish time idk why she cant answer Carly: idk wot to do Carly: how do i get it to stop ?? Ali: Spain's only an hour ahead of us anyway, not an excuse Ali: I'm 8 hours ahead and I've managed Ali: get what to stop babe Carly: the crying Carly: i cant think Carly: its all it does Ali: You've had the baby Ali: how long ago? did you go to the hospital? you need to if you haven't, like now Carly: what Carly: why would i go there Carly: its over with Ali: Because you both need to be checked over Ali: its really important Ali: have you birthed the placenta? Is it all out? If not you could die Ali: Never mind if there's anything wrong with the baby Ali: Call a cab and give me your deets, I'll transfer the money now Carly: that alien shit Carly: yea Carly: it screams healthy Ali: that is a good sign but there could be something you're missing, maybe that's why its screaming? better safe than sorry, they're not allowed to ask you about shit unrelated, so if you're high, sober up and then go, yeah? Ali: When did you last do a feed? Have you been able to? They'll show you how, it can be tricky Carly: id scream if i was born here Carly: gonna be stuck Carly: sober up? i need more Carly: shit hurts dont need to tell you Ali: They'll give you stuff at the Hospital Ali: why do you think anyone goes? Ali: and fo free baby gurl! please Carly: i cant Carly: gotta be hear for when my mum rings back Carly: & drew might come Ali: Give me your mums number and I'll tell her where you are Ali: then she can ring the hospital and they'll let you know Ali: I bet Drew has a key, no? Ali: Leave a note Carly: he left it when he went Carly: threw it at me Ali: Oh bab Ali: I'm sorry Ali: but you gotta focus on you Ali: and the baby now Ali: Not him, he knows where you are Ali: I can text him if you want, or try to call Ali: I swear nothing bad will come out of it Carly: but its his Carly: and i am Carly: he should be here Ali: But he isn't Ali: maybe he'll come back but you gotta keep going 'til he does, alright? Carly: i need to find him Ali: Not right now Ali: next step Ali: he's not lost, he doesn't want to be found Ali: i know that's harsh but its the truth Ali: he'll come back when he's ready, alright? Carly: what about me Carly: im not ready Carly: he doesnt care Carly: why should i Ali: he cares about himself Ali: AT LEAST do that Ali: if you can't the baby then the people at the hospital will help with that too Ali: you can't just leave it Ali: boy or girl? Carly: its a girl Carly: another one Carly: hes gonna be mad Ali: I don't think he's salty about not having a male heir babe Ali: If you really won't go...I'll do my best to tell you what I know and I'll send you links Ali: we'll do our best health check and then you've got to try to feed her, yeah? Is that okay? Carly: mad that shes here Carly: i said i wasnt having one Carly: you want me to read? cant hear myself think Ali: But you were Ali: and if you were doing it without protection then he was fully aware it was a possibility Ali: I'll voice memo you then Ali: it'll stop the crying Carly: he says its not his Carly: maybe not Carly: idk Carly: its got blood on it but could look like him when thats gone Ali: He said that to me when it definitely was so kind of his go to Ali: but even if it isn't, doesn't mean he has to be a dick to you about it Ali: Its not right regardless Ali: Especially not when you're alone Carly: how do i make it sleep Carly: im tired Carly: should i sing? Ali: That might help yeah Ali: Skin to skin to, that's comforting Ali: Lemme break down how you feed it, yeah? Hold on Carly: i cant pick it up what if i drop it fuck no Carly: gotta stay where it is Ali: You won't Ali: its your baby, its safer with you than it is on the floor Ali: get a towel, that'll keep it warm and put it to your chest Ali: [Sends 38 sec video] okay, if that's easier this vid shows you how but I'm here to talk you through Carly: all the towels are wet Carly: it can have my tshirt thats warm Ali: Good idea, see Ali: you know what you're doing Ali: you've got this Carly: its too small Carly: i have to put it back down Carly: ill hurt it Carly: fuming about me coming near it Ali: She's just hungry and confused Ali: Understandable, right? Dunno about you but I'd be pretty fucked off too if I'd just been pushed out my nice comfy home of the last 9 months Ali: You'll be her best friend in my time at all Carly: id put it back if i could Carly: whyd you wanna do this 3 times Ali: 'Cos I'm a bossy bitch and I want underlings to do my bidding and I get to tell 'em what to do Ali: speaking of, time for your masterclass Ali: get her and get comfy on the sofa or your bed or wherever is bed Ali: best Carly: k Carly: shes heavy wtf Ali: That's good! You did a good job cooking her then Ali: and if she's a lil chunk, this should be easier Carly: shes small but im sleepy Ali: you can both take a snooze when this is done, usually conks 'em right out Ali: is your tiddy out? Carly: knew you fancied me Ali: you know Ali: getting in there while your defenses are down Carly: im single Carly: you too Ali: Lets do it mama Ali: cutest fam ever? i think so Carly: shes not cute like yours Carly: weird coloured thing Ali: she's probably covered in the gunk and pink from screaming her head off Ali: no ones finest hour i bet she's beautiful Carly: ill get it to take a selfie Ali: yay! get it on the nip 'cos i gotta see my boo too 😍 Ali: line her nose up with your nip, kinda tickle her top lip with it, she should open her mouth wide Ali: then you can shove it in Carly: done that before Carly: weird Carly: [Sends pic of tiny baby Indie] Carly: does she look like him idk Ali: Definitely Ali: Looks a bit like Edie Carly: ill send him the pic Carly: probs should take a better one Carly: how do i look? Ali: Like you've just given birth Ali: so a goddess Ali: but a knackered one Carly: youve got a fetish Carly: cant trust that Ali: me??? Ali: didn't impregnate myself Ali: look at Caleb! Carly: and drew Carly: wont see him Ali: Clearly its his thing too Ali: but he's more about the before than after yeah Ali: he can't stay away forever Ali: he wouldn't leave Meena Carly: youre smart Carly: if i go there he cant avoid me Ali: Exactly Ali: Camp out Ali: Ana will help you with the baby shit if you like Carly: why Carly: she doesnt know me Ali: Because she's a good person Ali: plus she's a social worker, it what she do Ali: and she knows Drew better than most, she raised him Ali: worth a shot Carly: shes not his mum Carly: but she can take this kid Ali: yeah she's better than Ali: is that what you want? Ali: she'll discuss it with you, make sure you both get what's best Carly: im not talking to her Carly: she can take it or not Ali: No one will just take her with no questions asked Carls Ali: for your welfare and the kids Carly: im not answering a social workers questions Ali: They're not entitled to judge you Ali: She won't Ali: and as far as drugs are concerned, if you want to give the baby up then literally none of their business at all after that Ali: and if you did decide to keep her then they work with you Ali: they're not gonna just shop you, it ain't like that Carly: make me go to rehab is how its like Carly: fuck no Ali: They can't make you Ali: there's no point Ali: you can only get sober if that's what you want Carly: my mum and dad'll make me Carly: i know theyre gonna Ali: well, where the fuck are they now? Ali: if they're so concerned about you they'd be here Ali: actually supporting you Carly: theyll come when they find out about her Carly: i never told them Ali: Good, I hope they do Ali: but how did that happen Ali: how could I see and they didn't Ali: or Drew Carly: they dont come back Carly: drew did see thats why he left Ali: yeah but they must talk to you Ali: your mum has obviously been there how did she not clock something being up Ali: and not soon enough in Drew's case Carly: i call them if i need money Carly: they gotta think its why im calling now Ali: When do they call you? Carly: if i call and they didnt pick up Carly: unless theyre busy Ali: I see Ali: how's she doing? done feeding? Carly: sleeping Carly: how are yours? Ali: best feeling ever, right? Ali: much the same, its late here Ali: I'm pulling an all-nighter lowkey, finishing up some work Carly: i miss junie Carly: whatever your on for it gimme some Ali: i'd be creepy and snap him sleeping but no doubt the flash would wake his highness Ali: he misses you too, i'll get him to facetime Carly: aw Carly: go work bitch Carly: i shouldnt kept you this long Ali: don't be daft Ali: queen of multitasking Ali: and not just junie who misses you is it Ali: #massiveLESBIANcrush Carly: my tits are gonna go down Carly: snap me up now Ali: Trying, like Ali: make it facebook official Ali: that'll get the lads attention ey Ali: why else do it Carly: yea Carly: my parents too probs Carly: lapsed catholics Ali: be on the next plane over to get you back on the dick like Ali: i'll get on it #longdistancelesbians Ali: my ex gonna be so mad Carly: mine too Carly: wtf am i gonna do Carly: I dont want him to be an ex Ali: even though he's fucked you over like this? Carly: i fucked him over first Carly: i lied Ali: not really Ali: if anything, you lied to yourself Ali: but you didn't wanna hear it, couldn't Ali: and that makes sense Carly: cant block it out any more Carly: fuck Ali: it gets really real really fast Ali: doesn't it Ali: but you have got this Ali: i've got you, however i can, yeah? Carly: i dont want it to be Carly: i dont want it Carly: i cant do this Ali: okay, that's okay too Ali: but she isn't going to just go Ali: whether it was getting an abortion earlier or what you have to do now Ali: you have to do something Ali: there's no quick fix for it Ali: ana can get you in touch with the right people who will make it as easy as they can for you and her Ali: or my mum Carly: if i leave her she'll get found Carly: why does nobody ever call me back wtf Ali: Yeah but they'll still try to find you Ali: or Drew Ali: and his DNA will be on the system so Ali: and I reckon if they got to him, he'd sell you out Ali: when's the last time you slept? Carly: idk Carly: what day is it Ali: Tuesday Carly: sunday Carly: saturday Carly: idk Ali: fuck girl Ali: you shoulda been banking up on it before Carly: ha Carly: easy fix Carly: need my dealer Ali: not if your gonna be breastfeeding Ali: unless he gonna bring formula too Carly: i can go myself for that Carly: get a car Ali: you getting enough cash in, yeah? Carly: ha no Carly: no student loans for this bitch Ali: you'll have to look into getting help with that Ali: there's funds and shit, i'll find out the info Ali: that or tap Drew up for child maintenance Carly: yea cos hes declaring his earnings Carly: i wish hed talk to me Ali: exactly, bribe him like Ali: he's got a lot to lose Carly: hed never forgive me Carly: i cant Ali: but you can forgive him for all he does? Ali: got it bad honey Carly: yea Carly: its fucked Ali: is there anything he could do to make you stop loving him Carly: idk Carly: why Ali: cos you'd be happier if you didn't Ali: right Ali: like, he treats you like shit Carly: i wasnt happy before Carly: & he hasnt this whole time Carly: it got bad Carly: me too Ali: but you could be Ali: you don't have to give up hope of ever being Ali: and he did for the majority of the time though, that should outweigh the good Carly: with what Carly: this kid Carly: im not you Ali: no Ali: of being happy Ali: with just you Ali: or someone else who treats you better Carly: i dont have a job or friends here and i live in a caravan Carly: not gonna happen Ali: you can get both Ali: you're cool Carly: ha Carly: youre dreaming Carly: fucked the allnighter Ali: i'm not the only one Ali: and why not? Carly: drew says im a junkie Ali: what does he know Ali: and anyway, functioning junkie Ali: shits possible Carly: he knows me Carly: he loved me til i fucked it Ali: you haven't DONE anything Ali: a baby happened to you BOTH Ali: you're both reacting, right or wrong now, whatever Ali: and he probably still does but Ali: love ain't always enough Carly: why are you my friend? Ali: I said, you're cool Ali: funny, smart, nice, you already know i fancy you so no need to kiss arse any more, yeah? Ali: you're SO friendable, babe Carly: shoulda fallen for you Ali: yeah well, the tragedy of being straight and feelings not following logic Ali: sometimes, you gotta fuck feelings tho, do right by yourself Carly: i dont feel anything when he isnt here Carly: nothing happens Carly: cept today Ali: make stuff happen Ali: its only chaos darling Carly: youre not here either Carly: what am i gonna make happen on my own Carly: this shit Carly: idk Ali: what do you wanna make happen Ali: anything, however unlikely you think it is Carly: i want him to come back Carly: my parents too Carly: but none of them are Ali: can't control other people nah but you can do all YOU can to make it happen Ali: what would make him come back? who would he wanna be with? and you can try to talk to your 'rents and tell them what is up...longshot but maybe they don't realise how shitty they're being Carly: they're not Carly: theyre busy Carly: and im not a kid Ali: busy with what? Ali: living it up in spain? Ali: they kept you, you're their kid for life Ali: they don't get to peace at 16, 18 whatever the fuck Carly: they didnt vanish Carly: i know where they are Ali: yeah but they should be here rn Ali: you need them Ali: maybe if you ask, when they answer, they will come back Ali: i'm not slagging on 'em, its just facts Carly: i dont want to go live in spain Carly: fact is theyll try and force me Ali: well, they can't make ya, tell them why you wanna stay here Ali: they could still be supportive Ali: even if they're not physically with you every day like Carly: they wont let me stay for him Ali: okay...make something more parent friendly up then Ali: what they don't know won't hurt 'em Carly: youre so smart Ali: so i've been told Ali: with varying levels of sarcasm Carly: yea Carly: same Ali: You are though Ali: One of the many reasons we get along Carly: youre such a mum Carly: bigging me up like Ali: s'what i do best right Ali: shoulda been a cheerleader, fucking irish schools not letting me shine Carly: thats what schools do best Carly: be shit Ali: true dat Ali: even if my uni is pretty swish Ali: and full of nerds like me Carly: looks it Ali: still, miss the homeland like Carly: switch places Carly: shes crying again what does she want this time Carly: headfuck Ali: think its a bit too early for her to have shat, maybe wee but Ali: probably wanting her next feed Ali: you do it roughly every 2 hours for the first month Carly: ffs Carly: howd you get anything done with 3 of them Ali: ask myself the same question Ali: luckily they're not all on the tit 'cos form an orderly queue lads Carly: not getting my tit out again Ali: its that or formula run to get her to stop crying Carly: i cant put her in the car Carly: she'd fall out Ali: that solves that then honey Ali: get 'em out get 'em out get 'em out Carly: perv Ali: 🤷 Ali: single mum, gotta get my kicks where i can yo Carly: get fucked Carly: not offering Carly: one of the nerds would be up for it Ali: no need to tell me Ali: desperation station Ali: bless 'em Carly: do you go to class with your shoulders and knees out Ali: its boiling here, not even trying to be a shameless hussy Ali: can't be swooning erryday, got places to be, shitty bums to wipe Carly: yea Carly: cant steal that excuse myself Ali: sadly not Ali: can use breastfeeding though Ali: you're just out here feeding ya kid, looking hot as a by-product, fight me world Carly: don't Carly: how is this happening Carly: im looking at her and idk Ali: i can't believe you did it all by yourself Ali: you're a right tough nut Ali: but you don't have to keep doing it alone Carly: but i have to do something Carly: wtf Ali: yeah, keep both of yas alive until you figure out your next step Carly: make it sound simple Ali: 'course Ali: i'll allow you some melodrama but i can't claim hormones as hard Carly: u can Carly: and homesickness Ali: alright, lets have a good sob Carly: this kids done enough Carly: has you beat bitch Ali: rude Ali: already winning fresh out the womb Carly: what you naming it Carly: said you would Ali: you're serious? Carly: idc Ali: probs think on that a bit longer, whether you wanna name her or nah Ali: but my lists be ready don't fret Carly: k

[aj0131]

Rabbit holes...

im severely lost on my path of life right now. I feel like I dont have many options. It is going to be found out that I failed a ton of classes to the point where I cant graduate on time. And so im not sure that I will end up getting my degree here. Something that was once so important to me became something that was forced and I didnt have a choice in. I didnt want to go to class anymore, it became almost a form of torture. I dont feel like im even intelligent anymore. And i think to what the reasoning is and im not sure I have an exact answer. I just saw the world differently after my mom passed. I unfairly didnt get credit for a class that I deserved to get, and it was like all of that effort meant nothing. Just like it did for my family situation. And I just felt powerless. I think thats a recurring theme... I want to have control over the things that are happening in my life. My best friend is leaving school, and that means ill only really have one person left. And ive told myself for so long that i can be alone again like i have so many times before, but i just dont want to do that again. Im going to be so sad when she goes. She makes me feel good about myself, like I matter, like im loved. And she makes me love myself. Its such a hard situation because shes the one who introduced me to doing drugs all the time, but ive been so much happier since that i cant regret it. It makes me question why society puts such a negative view on them. Ive experienced so much in my life that on a daily basis I have no desire to function or do anything, and drugs change that for me. And the thing is is I dont think theres something wrong with me for not wanting to do anything. I think I needed a break a long time ago. I think I broke a long time ago. And who knows if ill ever be a functioning member of society or if ill just figure it out. It scares me. But I dont blame the drugs. If I know that theyll be there, some days it gives me more motivation to do what I need to. Theyre kind of like a warm hug to come home to. And with my best friend leaving, there goes my access. And im really scared for how thats going to feel. I think im going to be miserable. I think reality is miserable. I spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom the other day just praying that this isnt really reality... and I think that if just my mom was alive and not sick, that I would be okay. I know thats not how life works, but thats all I ever wanted and was my goal. But you cant stop someone else from doing their addiction. I learned that a long time ago. And now hes trying to do the same thing to me before I get too bad, but he doesnt understand my use doesnt have to do with him. I just want to be happy. And my way of handling myself is this way right now. I dont want to hurt myself or want to die everyday. Its just it doesnt feel unhealthy because im not on them ALL the time, i just... whenever I try to justify it, I feel like I sound like a drug addict. That oh, I can stop anytime, its not affecting everything else blahblahblah. I just go as far as to wish I had done them earlier. I would have gotten some relieve sooner. I mean im typing this when im on something now, and its allowing myself to safely access my thoughts. Im done justifying it to myself, because my only job is to live my life and thats what im doing, and no one can tell me how to live it. I just imagine how my life would be if I quit and got everything together, and what I see is me having this giant house on the beach with a chandelier when you walk in, and a winding staircase in a beautiful white room. Id have my hair done up in a low bun with my hair tucked in crystal pins in a beautiful white dress. I would entertain people all the time and go to these beautiful dances and balls. I would have everything together, a perfectly clean house, I would do things all the time like take classes at the gym or take the kids to their soccer practice. And I would be so loved by my husband that i wouldnt even know what to do with myself. Just unconditional support. Id work part time at the aquarium nearby and work for nonprofits. 

The thing is, I dont think any of that is real at all. People fight, things get fucked up, things are stressful, I have numerous mood disorders at this point... I never thought I could get over the loss of my family. The day she died, I lost every bit of hope that Id ever have a real family, and so I never knew if I could then have a real family of my own. [I guess what I should mean to say real is is a healthy one and all the primary members are still present.] 

I finally overcame the hurdle recently where I thought I would never feel things again. He did that for me. And love means so much to me, I thought it was the one thing if I could have, that one amazing love, that I could accept all the things that happened to me. I thought God and I made a deal when I was about 10 that I would take whatever he had to throw at me, I just asked for love, and I felt kind of a confirmation I thought. But I dont think God gives guarantees and I think I was wrong. Or maybe I already fucked it up when I was given the chance. I mean, im crazy in love with a boy right now, but hes never looked at me the same since he found out what Ive done. I believe he loves me so he stays. But thats even hard for him to swallow. And when I think about that life for me that I want, hes who I see it with. He feels like hes my family, and that hes not going anywhere, and I want to believe so badly that he sees past all the bad of me. I want him to know im not like everyone else. And I try to understand that maybe I was given the option to make those horrible choices so that I would understand that I just possibly lost the best thing that couldve happened to me because I wasnt acting like the person that the best could want. I think of it as a way to force myself to see my mistakes so that I understand not to make them again and not continue down that path. I understand that I am at a huge crossroads in my life right now and that I can choose to not really do anything with my life and let it fall apart or that I can pull it together and try to make it what I want it to be. Im not sure that I have it in me to do it when things look so bleak.

I dont want to move in with my dad. I left for a reason. I cant handle living with him, he is really bad for my anxiety. I dont really blame him for it anymore, I think he has an anxiety problem too and doesnt know how to not put that on other people. But it would feel like taking so many steps backward. And I know I would have to sacrifice a lot of myself to do it. He demands to be right and he demands for me to feel and think certain ways that i just dont, and I will never be the perfect person for him, nor for anyone else. I recognize that I am a really strong minded individual that just cant for the life of me be what someone else wants me to be, but i damn sure wish I could. A lot of times I just wish I wasnt me. I feel like everyone wants something different from me, and that im just not enough. Or that I have too many issues to be what they want. 

Sometimes I have the strength to say fuck that, Im proud of who I became because anyone that knows the full truth has told me that they would have killed themselves a long time ago. And I appreciated that they were truthful about it. But I still dont really get any slack from it. Life doesnt stop just because you need it to. 

My dad says hes about to take a job overseas and that he wants me to take over the family and bills and all of that... and it honestly feels like hes choosing my life for me and that Im about to end up stuck in my hometown living the same life he did just a different job. When I go home all I see is my past and how miserable I was before, and just all of these ghosts of past people and past happenings, and specifically my mom. I mean we still have a lot of her things and we still live in the same house we lived in. Its like my dad and sister dont feel it. But its like all of what happened in that house is still there, like a haunting. 

But anyways, Im getting offtrack. The thing is is that hes right when he says I could live rent free and I wont be able to really afford an apartment by myself at first. But honestly, I only see myself doing three options. Living with my dad, taking a job in a random place because I found security deposit money and I just go for it, or I live with him. And while my favorite options is living with him, we fight every other day, and I am constantly afraid of when hes going to leave. (yeah, i know, healthy). Its definitely not the time to talk about it. It just fucking sucks because there are so many times I look at him, and I am just overcome with how much I love him (hes called me out on a few occasions, much to my amusement) and its like I cant say it or I shouldnt let myself feel that way because he doesnt want to be with me. Its not like I dont understand why, I just dont want it to be like that. But i cant give up. Especially after all of this, like I did not put myself through this for no reason. I just want to stop feeling so sad about it, its like I cant be sad because then im not enjoying the time hes giving me, but I cant be too happy because at any time he could just decide hes never going to want to be with me again. It makes me insecure and into a person that im not. But its yet another thing that i dont have control over. Because i do everything that i know how to do, but im told its not being seen or that its not enough. And sometimes Im so down about it that I think he just deserves better than me. When were in a fight and hes describing how he sees me, it makes me see myself like that, and then i just dont understand why he loves me at all. It makes me think that he has to see past what he thinks he sees. Ive been beginning to be so hurt by what he says about me that im not sure i can look at myself the same way. If the person that ended up knowing and seeing all of my worst and best parts of me thinks so little of me, then what am i to think of myself? I cant blame him for thinking that im a liar and a fake but good God do I pray someday he will look at me and not see that. Im trying so hard to turn my life around and be someone hes worthy of being with, and I think thats why when im in one of my really bad states that on the inside im just screaming at the top of my lungs, I feel like im not being heard, I feel like im not even here and that he has to be talking about someone else. How did I become that person? I just know that that cant be me or who I became, because ive fought tooth and nail to get out, and I dont believe in not being able to change your life around. I just know that if I dont continue trying to be with him and to stop doing what he doesnt want me to do, that im never going to know if it could have worked. That maybe that was it. Everything in me has been telling me I should fight, and now is the time I have to. That im in this place for a reason right now and I have to work my hardest to get out of what ive done to myself. I just know that ive hardly been able to feel anything since my mom died, and since i met him I feel everything in life again, like I care again about what happens. Im fighting for myself because I feel like theres something there. I can look outside and feel happy about a flower that I found pretty growing. Im filled with hope, and I want to fight. I think thats what I have to do. Fight for the life that I want and not let anyone else decide it for me. I need to fight to make myself better. I need to fight to get what I want. And I think hes been trying to fight with me and help me to. And maybe thats part of his purpose in my life. I just dont feel like its over yet. Any of it. I just need to be okay with not making a decision of what to do right this second. Things need time to work through themselves as well. I cant control everything. I need to do one day at a time and stop letting others influence me so much, and to trust myself to do whats right for me. (Ha, trust someone on drugs, real funny...) 

I just know this is only a fraction of how my mom felt when she was trying to do better after all that shed done, which is a lot worse than me, and I pray that she has peace now knowing that I know she tried. Im just going to try to not make the same mistakes of letting other people control my life and tell me who I am or am not. I decide that. And I dont have to let my past travel on with me. I just need to fight.

[abcmerpaderp]

reunited

so i locked myself out of this account awhile back, and i realize i [mostly] come here when i’m at my lowest. at first it was a good idea for me to not remember my password so i wouldn’t be able to come back here an reread my old posts & whatnot. Now that i’ve regained access and start briefly looking back at my most recent posts, i cringe and couldnt even continue to scroll down anymore.

and so why did i feel the need to come back? the last time i wrote in here wasn’t even that long ago, it was at the end of winter quarter of my junior year.now i’m near the end of my fall quarter of my senior year, still within 2017 but for some reason i felt like so much has changed and i’ve faced some of the biggest difficulties within these past few months that broke me down to the core. i feel like the strong foundation i built myself from the winter quarter of my 1st year to now is completely shattered. i’ve been in a really vulnerable place these past few months and it’s been incredibly hard for me. it’s hard for me in that i feel the need / and have the only option of supporting myself -- with my job and the position i’m in, i’m expected to be a pro at counseling, a pro at mastering and encompassing all healthy habits of self-care, self-love; with what i study, there’s nothing else i should know better than mental health; and with everyone’s perception of me as the happy, optimistic person -- all of these makes it so hard for me to seek solace in others. 

and so with that, i became that same person that i started college with -- a person that kept everything to myself, because i felt embarrassed, ashamed, weak, and there’s nothing i hate more than being vulnerable and weak around so many successful, productive people. 

i don’t even know where to start because these past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and me just digging deep and writing it all out isn’t going to be as easy as i thought:

1. my backpack was stolen

-- my backpack, which had everything valuable to me -- my laptop, my wallet, etc. was stolen during my second-to-last, yet most successful, thousand dollar event that i hosted and worked sleeplessly on. i was scared because all my shit was stolen, but i was also sad because my laptop, which costed my $780 (covered by a scholarship) had a lot of memories on it that i didn’t upload to an external source. now, this sounds toxic and unhealthy, but i’m a person that keeps all memory keep-sake things, even if some of them were related to past relationships/friendships. so, in that laptop, i had a lot of pictures from a brief, happy yet toxic period that i had with someone who’s important to me. i never uploaded the pictures onto any social media, and i never thought to use google photos, and now all those pictures/memories from those 4 months are gone. i think about it in that it’s a good thing because it was such a toxic period and i deserved better, but i woud still like to have those pictures with me. second point, my mom’s fortune teller knows this very well about me, but i’m a person that stresses day & night over finances. i’ve called my mom crying about the stress of college, LA, etc so much over these past 4 years. trust me, i know i’m lucky than others because essentially, in the end, i am and have had the opportunity to be in LA for the past 4 years, but there’s been a lot of emotional baggage/ guilt that i’ve felt knowing that my parents do everything [which may include lying] to give me the ease of being here -- every year, my dad would tell me about all the new cars that come out and asks me if i needed a car yet and that he’s been having enough/been prepared to get me a car and that i shouldnt worry about anything; he would ask me if i needed more money to spend, and if i did, he was just a few phone calls away; he would tell me that if i ever missed home, to just buy a plane ticket home regardless of the price. however, my parents know i’m hardheaded and they know that i refuse to use their money and all the money i’ve been using these past 4 years have been my own. it wasn’t until my laptop was gone that i had to ask my parents for help. everyone told me “just get a macbook, it’s worth it” yadiyaya, but bruh, if i could afford a macbook for the beginning of college, i probably would. i woul get a macbook in a heartbeat. when i hd to buy my second laptop, i bought a PC first because it was cheaper, and after my parents spent hours lecturing me, telling me to stop being cheap and stingy and hardheaded, that they said they would “lend” me money to just buy the most up-to-date apple laptop (of course, i didnt cus that shit is 1k+) idk, this is hard to explain in words but there was a lot of pain in the fact that i had to buy a new laptop because i was basically wasting 1000 that was unnecessary and stupid. it just broke my heart and it’s unfair because i’ve never never never stolen anyting from anyone; i’ve never stolen anything from a store, and i dont know what the fuck i did to deserve getting my backpack stolen. it just breaks my heart because im a firm believer of karma and as much as i do have anger for people, i never wish the worst for people. alot of things also spiraled from my backpack getting stolen. i lost my passport even though i was leaving the country in 6 weeks and bitch i needed my passport. so my passport was another $200 that i had to drop and a lot of traeling to the passport agency to have to deal with. idk there was a lot of bullshit tied to my backpack getting stolen and i was just at my lowest point and ready to go home for that quarter.

2. my grandpa passed away. and oh my god, i honestly don’t even know if i can write about this. yes, i know, people pass away -- it’s a part of life. but for me, it was just incredibly incredibly difficult and all the memories from that week were so vivid -- i was full of fear, sadness, regret, shame. it’s very hard for me to go into detail right now because it’s still very sensitive to me, but i just want to say i’m really grateful for my grandpa and all the things that he did for me when i was younger. he took care of me while my parents were at work, him and my grandma would take me to the bus to school. my grandpa knew no english what so ever, yet he bought me a fisher-price toy that had the alphabet, and i would press on each letter and it would tell me the letter and a word example for that letter; he bought me paper and pens to let me draw and practice my abcs; he bought AND MADE toys for me because my mom didn’t believe in buying us toys; and i never realized how important and relevant it is until now, but he was a preacher, he was a narrator, and he always, always talked about his history, his stories about Vietnam, and how how how important it was for kids to know history and for kids to go on with education. and look where i am, from high school to now, i’ve always been involved in SEA stuff and i never realized how much my grandpa played into that. and now, i teach others of the importance of knowing our parents/grandparents histories and teaching others how education for us allows us to uplift our community. there’s a lot more i have to say but him passing away was hard and continues to still be really, really hard for me. i cried probably every week in japan, and on his 30th day, i did praers in japan, i called my mom crying tell her what to tell him, i told jimmy what to tell him for me. i wished i could have been there for him, and i’m really really angry at myself that i couldn’t. and even when i couldnt be there for him, he still visited me while i was in japan. he told me even when i’m incredibly stressed, he told me that everything will be okay and that i’ll be able to get through it. i couldnt be there for him when he needed support the most, yet he’s still able to be loving and supportive enough to reassure me. gong gong, i’ll always hold my childhood memories with you deep and close to my heart.

3. a slap into reality -- me thinking i’ve been the best version of myself, the good and supportive friend to all my friends only to realize i’ve been nothing but full of myself and my own illusions; me realizing the terrible person that i actually have been and my lack of awareness and sensitivity to those around me. how tf am i a counselor if i can’t even be there for my friends? me wanting to be there for everyone, while also being scared to reach out and ask the hard questions or even taking the first step. this further led me to being more disappointed in myself -- not being there for my grandpa, not being there for my friends -- how can i say i want to help/support others when i’m the biggest culprit in hurting those around me? 

4. and then there’s me, being vulnerable, and letting others care for me only to realize that i should have never let anyone care for me in that sense to begin with; i’m better off carrying my own emotional baggage than letting someone know my emotional baggage, then disappearing and realizing that my baggage with them was just dumped into the dumpster. please do not let me open up to you, do not let me tell you about my insecurities, do not allow me to trust you, do not allow me to cry to you, do not let me do/share my happy things/activities with you if you’re not going to be in my life for the long run. (this has always been a problem for me, and i know ive been trying to work on it but it’s so hard) but one of my biggest flaws?? idek what to call it -- but one of my biggest things is that i don’t let myself be loved; i dont let others care for me or show me any affection. sure, maybe a piece of that has to do with the fact that i feel undeserving of love (i know, i know, i need to love myself and realize my worth yadiaya, but it ain’t easy) but it’s also because if i let you into my life, i’d do my best and exert all my energy to support you, make you happy, etc (even though, going back to point #3, i’m clearly not good at it). i put so much work into building a wall between me and the world, so please don’t make me tear down years of hard work for something/someone that is just only temporary. and if i start opening up to you, and you start seeing the emotional wreck that is my life (yeah i’m a wreck to others, but to mself, i’m a work in progress so w/e) and you can’t handle this beautiful mess, then just walk out as soon as possible. do not stay because you feel sorry or you feel the need to help me, because trust me, you’re only making things worse. i open up to others and let others in on the wreck of my life not because i expect others to fix me or help me, but to just have someone on the sidelines to cheer me on and be like girl, you is doing good making progress making a beautful work of art etc. it’s like how i love to support people at their dance competitions/sports games/drama or music performances because i know they worked hard on what they’re passionate about, and at the end of all their hardwork, they want to share with others the beautiful artwork that they’ve worked so hard on.  i dont got no talents (lmao) but something i’m struggliing with but still am working on is myself -- and you know at the end of the day, at each tiny milestone that i reach, it’s nice to know people are in the audience cheering me on or taking me out on breaks to rejuvenate myself so i dont overwork myself. so all in all, dont come into my life if youre not gonna stay for the long run. it’s too much energy on my part to break down my walls for others. but you know what, it’s okay because i’m getting better at goodbyes *cue Sam Smith -- Too Good at Goodbyes* <-- you dont know how many times i’ve listened to this && have cried to this bc it’s so good.

I know you're thinking I'm heartless I know you're thinking I'm cold I'm just protecting my innocence I'm just protecting my soul

I'm never gonna let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me 'Cause every time I open up, it hurts So I'm never gonna get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt

I'm way too good at goodbyes

also, because of all of this, i don’t let anyone, not even my roommates or my closest friends, show any sort of affection/care/love towards me. period. those who are close to me know that i don’t like/do hugs, but it’s gotten worse after this. hugs trigger me. hugs are deceiving. they can feel so real and warm but leave you so cold the next moment. i shiver / sweat when people hug me because it reminds me of the times i get close to people and had to relearn time and time again that i’m not one to get affectiontely close to others. there were two instances where i was really out of it/sad and my roommate hugged me. at the moment of the hug, i felt nothing, but as soon as he let go, i went down this spiral and just started crying omgg; and then a second time with my other roommate, she hugged me so warmly, and i pushed her off and said “no, hugs trigger me please don’t” and i walked out of the room (lol). but i can’t explain this people so i gotta forcibly do the world’s most awkward hugs to everyone around me. but if i’m really close with you, i’ll hold your elbow -- thats my way of showing others im grateful for you in forms other than a hug. 

wow who knew writing could relieve so much. here’s to my roommates for giving me space and not questining me while im crying and typing on the sofa at 4 am. but here’s to hopefully being one step closer in getting over these rough mountains. 

[a-memoir-of-me-blog]

imma not even proof read this....but this is a convo again, before i even met my true love

Texts to x:

idk what i was talking about....i think US and education and free education

*sent a pic from usnews.com*

“Wiener Professor of Social Policy at Harvard Kennedy School, believes that the last 30 years of rising American inequality can be attributed to three key factors:

The US government does ‘considerably less’ than comparable democracies to even out disposable family incomes, Jencks says. And current state and local tax policies ‘actually increase income inequality’ (in america, yeah, because people in low income areas dont use this to their advantage--future writings will make this make more sense. This is from december 2016 or january 2017...dont remember).

‘All the costs and risks of capitalism seem to be shifted largely to those who work rather than those who invest’, he said

Compounding the economic imbalance is the unlikely prospect that those at the bottom can ever improve their lot.”

Me: shouldnt that mean that not only should we work. But invest [in things that can help us develop--ex: infrastructure companies, and all things that benefit to the public--instead of the government being a monopoly, we (markets, the people) will put in our money to companies we like that we believe will be the best for us, and just let us give money to all these companies, that will work together since theyre all gonna do the same thing and we all just want the same thing, and they can just collaborate and make the best that they can. And then we didnt have to pay taxes and not know where it is going. In a sense, investing in companies is like paying taxes, but more transparent and more control of where your money goes--which is to support a company to do x,y,z to help benefit your community and/or country]? But like….thats not taught in school because they want to keep the power limited to only a few and not the masses (the markets, the people who all gather and pool their money in all of these companies that will then go to work together and make the best thing they can make) lol. Oh america…

*pic from same thing*

“Hendren, along with Harvard economists Katz and Raj Chetty, now at Stanford Uni, looked at the lasting effects of moving children to better neighborhoods as part of Moving to Opportunity, a short-lived federal housing program from the ‘90s. Their analysis, published in May, found that the longer children are exposed to better environments, the better they do economically in the future. Whichever city or state children grow up in also radically affects whether they will move out of poverty, he said”

Me:Power of association!! And media flaunts the “low-income” area lifestyle...and they keep the cycle going! Gotta learn the system (the cycle). Exploit it. Give back to education and other welfare shit [but only let them pay if they 1. Waste our help 2. Are greedy 3. Keep fucking up more than enough times that we can afford--which i assume is where an actuary would come in--keep reading because i mention more to this with prison, media, college tuition]. BUT. I think the the biggest thing to give back is knowledge (of surroundings, their influence, give them power to empower them, let them be them and not what media makes them want to be, not what their surroundings want them to be) and the confidence and the belief that we all can come together and learn of ourselves, our difference (and explain to one another why--but it always goes down to that we are human and just want to survive) and to learn to get the power from within us already, and use that and use things we learn and use them for good. Use this and that part of what the world offers and tie them together and make it for the good of all. Knowledge of self, history, psychology, cycles is power. Power over our human. Our flaws and ego and pride.

Me: we think that public things arent ours (when they literally are--we share them--it was our taxes--so that the government can do this and make it available for us--but yeah, it has no explicit value--we paid with taxes--we will think it is not worth it and not good--but thats where people who do value this PUT THEIR OWN VALUE IN IT. then they abuse it and fuck it up for everyone and as a result….we wasted….as a result, we inflate. As a result, we fucked ourselves over. We as people in a democracy rely on one another...so stop stealing. Stop wasting. And with this mindset, then we know we are obligated to have it and it is evenly given to us (because we gave it to ourselves!) and we help not just other people, but you help yourself.

Me: however the only issue i see is that middle class people who are really trying their hardest to survive out here are definitely the ones who deserve more. (Their market is getting smaller, but they are paying more (is it because it will then add more people to middle class? But those below us dont use it to their true full advantage to educate themselves and move up from their surroundings and change their lifestyle around). And thats where middle class working people will then have to cut down on keeping their minds and bodies healthy--they overwork with unhealthy food--that makes them lose money and unhealthy--and that makes them become poorer and poorer. We ALL can do something about this. And i think that for working class middle class people, they shouldnt get health insurance benefits--but rather things to AVOID getting it, because 1) they are still getting unhealthy because they are still in the system and 2) continues for them to keep paying into these things--and instead pay to innovations in food, and making sure the planet is okay, there isnt an imbalance in one thing that can tip something and cause a famine or extreme weather or a drought or have too many certain animals and how that can throw off the whole ECOSYSTEM.) their quality is getting worse and worse because they have to settle for less (government stuff--which we give to) and they are paying more and more (...so instead of doing that....instead of getting food from this and that with harmful things on them...instead of making yourself sick, give yourself life! Ensure yourself and your health and your life...or you can make your own company and run your own self sustaining home and life and have balance--and teach others, and give to them). We cant even buy good things for a good quality life. Housing. Goods. Etc. like. Food is the BEST remedy and preventor. Get healthy food and you keep your health. Its worth spending your money on that, instead of then having to spend it on things mentioned before. Same with education and spreading knowledge and ideas and giving it all back. Because it is a chain reaction. We are all interdependent. Be smart. Be empowered. Give yourself power. Get rid of the money. Dont be afraid to let go of that bc if you dont, you are afraid of your true life. Give live and power to yourself. Get health. Make sure you are healthy. Eat healthy. Live healthy. Feed your brain healthy things. If you have to, live in a shitty area for cheap, but your environment doenst define you. What you put into yourself (that true life) is what defines you. You can define yourself.

Me: and because they get taxed so much, ppl cant afford to go to school because they are just trying to make it alive (and they get stuck in there. And they go to drugs. They go to crime. They go to temporary satisfaction. They get a girl pregnant and they cycle continues and/or gets worse.

Him: yeah but knowledge costs money a majority of the time. Education costs thousands. GOOD education reaches the hundred thousands (my reply rn: UMMMM. Doesnt matter!! That is subjective!!! Life is always the same! But it depends on the PERSON! Do you find value in something because you put your efforts in it? Someone can have a SHITTY life, but they can either learn from it, or let it USE THEM and OVERPOWER them. They are giving their circumstances the power over them, when they can take that circumstance, learn from it, gather knowledge and ideas and MAKE IT BETTER FOR THEMSELVES!)

Him: i agree we should fund our own shit (my reply rn: yeah we should, but then whatever we get...USE THE BEST OF IT, even if it is small, because you are gaining experience and knowledge and you can take it all and add it all up to make it enough for you!)

Me: like people arent making enough. So they cant rely on the government alone. They need to learn the system (aka take what they were given. Use the lessons. Take it all apart. Rebuild it to make it better for yourself...afterall...the system is there because you let them….so make the most of it...spend more money on healthy food...spend more money on books. Spend more money on travel. Spend more on living! Everythingggg is interdependent)

Him: public water fountains, parks, etc...would be so much cooler and cleaner. How would you use the system? If you dont control the system? (ummm….i have control over myself...i dont let the hate, and greed, and all those 7 sins all around me corrupt me). If you wanted to control the system (which i dont at all. I want to liberate people from their fears that they feed into them and then provide a solution to get money off of them and repeat it….we can innovate without having the extremes happen...see one flaw and fix it! Before the whole thing collapses!) you need to be the one giving the government money and that requires hundreds of millions (unless we all stop living in the grid and in the system that they made for us and be more self reliant on life sustaining things and happiness….then we dont need money...at all lol). We could have it all if all our tax dollars didnt go to war (which is the extremes that happen….but we let things keep falling and getting worse…)

Me: so then they can 1) afford to live. Not just live and make it. But to have a healthy good quality life that they can actually enjoy 2) fund a better education for kids, aka, the future of our country and our world. (so we dont get stuck in the cycle) and we need NEW ideas. Because were stuck in a patriarchal and oligarchy society (which i will write about later on about how females were actually the ones who run the world--and we still do--but it is the man who is given too much power and wants more and more and then will attack their giver and keep all of the incoming ones down) ALSO! READ MY SHIT! MY STUFF THAT I WROTE IN ENGLISH CLASS! Because I do mention that we can educate more people and improve the country in the long term. Instead of sending them to war with bad weapons and for a temporary profit that is only good for the short term and for one side. But for the long term? And the longer and wider term? It doesnt work. And it sucks for not just america, but then any other place we connect with through trade and all that other stuff and it gives us the result of having to shoot ourselves back down. Whatever we do short term, comes back in the long run in a bad way.

Him: and there hasnt been a new system of eons. Capitalisn, facism, democracy, and communism is the best humanity has been able to do. Yeaeh we can do a lot more than 50% of our taxes going to us lol

Me: Communism will stop growth. And its just not in our human nature (or any nature). Because we need incentives….we need to work for an unknown set up and set it up (the bar) for ourselves and see where we go from there. We need to not just know what we get and/or dont get out of x,y,z….but its what drives us and what makes us take risks to then go to our highest point

Him: hmmm. The incentive in communism arguably could be that you want the best for everyone (MY SIDE NOTE...or they just want everyone to just be their puppets and set everything up in their way….which is close to dictatorship and totalitarianism and extreme authoritarianism….). Like you dont want anyone to be homeless so you give up your mansion for an average sized home so that maybe 10 more people can have average sized houses who never had a house. (or….we all can be given all these things….like set with all the greatest and biggest things ever...but if we dont put in the effort and the time….then that will just become smaller and smaller and we lose our own value that is already within us…..)

Me: Yeah but that wouldnt be fair if we all get the same and one does wayyyy more than someone else and they get the same. (thats like someone who is a sinner, but the more someone wastes and the more they do this and that….then it will be more repentance they need….which is imo, something that would be a good college structure. Get a set salary, and if the teacher passes x amount then they get a raise from the people who set it. However, if a student still decides to fail...then they must pay back for what the professor may have been given the raise for….or they can just pay for what they failed bc the teacher had a set tuition and gave their best to teach these kids and not let them put the knowledge to waste...it would teach kids to really apply what they are learning in the time they are given and be smarter and choose smarter, etc….because they dont want to work for x amount of time just to repay the teacher….or….students can get a stipend for their efforts and continuous good grades...which could also act as a positive praise….like there is a negative punishment where they take something someone likes to punish them….or they give them something they dont like….which is suffering something in some form). Human nature doesnt work that way. We need to change the mindset and let people think like this: do your best. Educate yourself. Empower yourself. Dont let the bad 1% of the 1% fuck u up. Try to get involved. Voice out your opinion correctly and strong and respectively and still listen to other opinions and then put that one together and then you can make a good and/or maybe better deal. And spread it

Him: but then its not fair that most people have to be at the bottom for others to be successful

Me: (ummm….started from the bottom….duhhh lol. Its the effort!). No..because we will be educated and school would be available. And tbh. We ALL have the tools we need to succeed. And yes...it will be harder for others because they started at the bottom and/or they were oppressed (and again it goes to their perseverance and their risk taking and how they calculate this and that and knowing what they want and why..because every view that is higher than where they were is always better than the one below….so never really have expectations. But go in increments of getting it done….because then you will be happy you got there, and be happy you have more than what you previously had and then you can use all that you used before, like the leftovers, and then add more to that from where you are now and then how you can get even higher...kinda like exponential growth). But they need to use the tools more resourcefully. Like yo. We got the internet. That has everything on there and it connects people and knowledge and thats just expansion waiting to happen...and the reward feeling will be beyond them. Theyll be super happy. Share and spread how. Their stories of success and it will inspire people. And thats why people think education is being wasted and not as valued as it should be anymore (because a lot do waste it and its because they are just another cycle…) people dont use it to their best advantage and they dont realize how advantageous it is, so it only SEEMS like it is getting people nowhere. AND on top of that (culture), there is a lot of entertainment and superficial things out there that distract them. And entertainment takes the education process out. I reallllyyyyy think education and learning in general is great. And i do think that entertainment can be cut down lol. Like idk. Raise prices for those things and make people get pushed out of that due to the fact they will waste mad money and time on it and not get anything in return. I actually want to be an educator. But not the typical one. Just empower people and put emphasis on autonomy and using resources out there to their best ability and even get creative about it. Emphasis on self education, reading, thinking deeper, questioning underlying things, learning outside of school, connecting things and how things affect what and who and why and how and where it all starts and what the time was and repeat that. How to actually improve things and do research and develop our own thoughts and stuff, instead of just rioting and protesting and boycotting and strikes. Instead of when there is a problem, dont fight with nothing….go make something. Because again…..that damage will be reflected in our own tax money….so really take these things and use them to make it better...i think knowledge and questioning everything you THINK you know...and wonder if it is rlly you or just what THEY want you to think (which is what DJ Khaled is trying to tell us)

*sends pic from usanews.com*

“‘Its definitely been a strategy’ to justify starving government resources, which in turn weakens it and makes it less attractive as a tool to accomplish big things, said Skocopol. ‘In an everybody-for-themselves situation, it is the better-educated and the wealthy who can protect themselves’”.

The middle paragraph tho. They already have a huge privilege to be in school. I have the internet and books too so i can even further my knowledge. However, that is not accessible to everyone. And they will be left behind and isnt it a constitutional thing that we ALL have the liberty to use things to achieve our pursuit of happiness?