#if we all just pulled our shit together this wouldve been Actually Normal like two fucking years ago

[12u3ie]

I love being one of the only people still wearing a mask at school. At home. I caught it in February of this year. "That just proves masks don't work that well," my mother says. Perhaps, but perhaps it's the dozens upon dozens of people around me who don't wear masks in a building with no ventilation because of the cold? One can only wonder.

[sunreys]

As much as I love the netflix shadow and bone and I really enjoyed watching it, let's be so fucking for real: it's not a good adaptation.

Season 1 was not a bad start. Like yeah you can have your complaints about certain acting choices and cgi and whatever (it is a Netflix show let's keep our expectations,,,,,level) but it was not that bad! It was fun, it was pretty faithful to the characters! In terms of book adaptations, it's honestly up there in quality. Season 2, though.

This whole show has been compared to a crack fic, and I second that---its not really the grishaverse. It's like someone's six of crows/shadow and bone crossover fic. Meaning we're smashing together two stories that are each already full of so much content on their own that it would be hard to do it all justice in an 8 episode netflix series. Even harder when you're combining 2 books, random storylines we pulled out of our asses, and scenes from soc and ck that had no business being there. I understand why they did this: six of crows is much more popular than shadow and bone, and the people at netflix wanted to get the most money possible from this. Alas, this hinders the story of the show so so much. For all it's flaws, there is so much good shit in the shadow and bone trilogy. There is SO MUCH that is so interesting, so poignant, so fun, etc etc that we entirely skipped past and cut out because we jammed so much other shit in there that had no reason to be. We skipped almost the entire plot of book 2! And while there's stuff in there that certainly drags on and could be cut, why did we cut out Alina and Mal's time in hiding? The Darkling finding them and everything else with Sturmhond? All the political shit that goes down with Vasily? Alina's struggle with being seen as a saint, her genuine struggle with being plagued by the Darkling? The reveal that Vasily was a fucking idiot and led the Darkling and the Fjerdans to the capital? The CHURCH SCENE??? WHITE HAIRED ALINA??? And that's just book 2! And then we get the canon divergence. Now I'll admit, I was slightly curious to see where they were gonna take this plot. However, if it was gonna go how they seemed to be setting it up, it would've been disappointing. I'm not a fan of stories where after the big climax the female lead loses her magic powers in favor of some peaceful life as a housewife or whatever. However, I loved the way the shadow and bone books ended. It was set up and foreshadowed that using merzost would have a cost. Alina willingly chose that cost to save mal, to have her happily ever after and her normal life which is what she always wanted. To prove the Darkling wrong. That's the important thing. Instead I guess mal goes "damn I know u literally brought me back from the dead but I'm gonna break up with u now bc I hate destiny I guess". And it seems as though the show was planning to have a storyline where Alina deals with having the Darklings power and struggles with whether or not she should succumb to the Darklings ideals or whatever. Which sounds like an interesting plot right? But guess what? WEVE ALREADY SEEN THAT SHIT IN THE BOOKS. IF THE SHOW ACTUALLY SHOWED US WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BOOKS WE WOULDVE HAD ALINA STRUGGLING WITH HER LITTLE VILLAIN ARC INSTEAD OF WHATEVER TF WE WERE HEADING TOWARDS AT THE END OF SEASON 2.

Anyways. Netflix execs get ur shit together and start greenlighting adaptations that fans of the original material---who you are literally appealing to by making this adaptation in the first place---will actually enjoy.

[lovelyshawnn]

Nervous: CEO!Reader x Intern!Shawn (Part 4)

“This was a mistake.”

Shawn’s brows furrowed as panick set in, and he frantically tried to get my attention. He reached for my wrists, but I quickly pulled it away as I pulled my skirt on.

“Honey, c’mon, look at me,” Shawn said in a hushed tone, not wanting to scare me off.

I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose and shook my head, ”Shawn, can’t you see? This won’t work out. Its unprofessional and lord knows every relationship I’ve been in goes to shit. This could jeopardize your future and your career!”

“I don’t care about that right now, Y/N! There are a million other internships in the world, but theres never gonna be a girl like you again,” Shawn said as his eyes looked into mine, not showing any signs of dishonesty.

I sighed. Shawn was only about a year or two younger than me, but he was so much more pure. He was so wide-eyed and optimistic. This was a characteristic I dropped many years ago, which was necessary for fending off competitors and making my way to the top to have the best company possible.

“You’re so... naive, Shawn. You barely know me, and I’m sure you’ll find another woman who won’t set fire to your life. Your should career matters more than this.”

“You’re right. I barely know you. But I know that you always tighten your ponytail whenever you’re working on a particularly hard case, I know that you always twist your rings on your finger whenever you’re nervous, I know that you roll your eyes at everyone a lot more when you haven’t had your caffeine yet, and I know that you’re just as crazy about me as I am for you. So please, just let me know you some more.”

I chewed at my lip, thinking about the possibility of us being together. Fuck this intern and his stupid ability to make me rethink everything I thought I already knew. Fuck his powerful ass, carefully worded speech. His charisma and enthusiasm had me thinking that maybe for once, I could make a relationship work for once.

I laughed slightly in defeat, shaking my head and burying my face into my hands. “Fine.”

“Fine?” Shawn’s face lit up instantly. He walked closer to me until he was standing right in front of me, peeling my hands away from my shy face.

“Yeah. Fine.” I stated simply. I tried to keep a straight face, but my armor was cracked as soon as I saw his big goofy smile plastered on his bright face. “You got one shot at this, Mendes. Just one.”

“Thats all I need, honey,” he replied nonchalantly as he pulled me into his body, wrapping his arms around my waist. He peppered kisses all on my neck, pecking at the red bruises he had left on me just a few moments ago. His innocent kisses gradually became more harsh and more needy as his hands clung on to your body tighter. His lips trailed lower down my chest.

“Okay, okay. Enough of that, Shawn. Its almost 12pm. Go home.” I giggled while unwillingly pushing him away.

“Go home with me,” He said softly, still continuing his assault on my neck. My smile dropped as I looked at him for any signs that he might be joking. Of course he’d be joking, it was way too early for us to do this. But the way he looked back at me, with so much love and hope in his eyes, showed how he wasn’t kidding at all. And even though I knew I shouldn’t, I felt myself giving in to those charming eyes. It just felt right to leave with him that night. And so I did.

When I first walked into his apartment, I was pretty pleased. It was a decent size and well decorated considering the fact that he had just moved here a few months ago. I trailed behind him quietly as he gave a brief house tour, taking in every detail. His apartment revealed so much about him.

At the last stop, he led me into his bedroom. Shawn began stripping out of his work attire and into some comfy pajama pants, leaving his chest bare for the night. I turned around to give him some privacy, which is when I noticed the brown acoustic guitar sat in the corner of the room. “You play?” I questioned, pointing to it.

Shawn looked up to where you were pointing, “Yeah, a little bit.” He tossed me one of his old tshirts to change into.

I catched the tshirt before beginning to strip in front of him once again, “Well, sing a little something then why don’t you?”

He chuckled before picking up the guitar and making his way back to his bed, sitting with his back against the headboard and his legs laid flat, one ankle crossed over the other. I slipped into his tshirt and climbed under his comforter. I planted my chin in the palm of my hand as I watched his fingers strum the guitar strings while soft tunes fell from his lips. The sounds felt so serene coming from him. Pft. Of course this crazy hot intern was also a beautiful musician. Fuckin unbelievable. Could this guy get any better?

“Alright alright alright Prince Charming, I think I’m gonna have to ask you to stop before I try and jump your bones again,” I said jokingly as I placed a hand on top of his.

“I actually wouldn’t mind that, darlin” he replied, placing his guitar cautiously in the corner of the room before crawling under the covers with me. I giggled at his cheeky comment and the light feathery kisses that he was trailing up and down my neck.

I grabbed his face and planted my lips on his delicately. The kiss was passionate, filled with more love than lust. He broke the kiss for a brief second to remove my shirt before leaning back into the sweet but urgent kiss. His hands travelled around my body, wandering over the valley of my breasts before planting them on my waist and flipping me around so that my stomach was against his cold mattress. Shawn pushed my hair over my shoulder to expose my bare back before stopping dead in his tracks, eyes staring down on my back intensely.

He trailed his fingers softly over the small world map tattoo on my right shoulder blade. “You have a tattoo? Who wouldve known..” he whispered.

I scoffed at his obvious jab at me being a proper workaholic,“Well I have to keep it covered up, its not very professional.”

“...I like it. Don’t cover it u around me. Please.” He said, fingers still delicately tracing the map.

I smiled in response. He laid back down beside me, rolling my body on to his so that I was laying on top of him. “Whats it mean?”

“I wanna color in every country that I visit,” I said as I let out a small yawn.

“I could help you with the Canada spot, y’know,” Shawn joked, “Have you try some real maple syrup and Tim Hortons, eh? You can even meet my pet moose back home.”

I laughed at his attempt of fitting in as many Canadian stereotypes in one sentence as he could. But the crazy this was... his offer didn’t sound so bad. The feeling I got whenever I was around him was unexplainable and different from any other guy. He just made me feel content and secure. And thats why I didn’t run from his joke about travelling together, like I normally would for any other guy.

“That sounds lovely,” I said before laying my cheek against his chest and drifting off to sleep for the night

~

The next morning, I woke up to an empty bed as the sun streamed through Shawn’s thin curtains. I stuck my hand out to reach over to Shawn’s side, but to no avail. Confused, I threw my feet over the edge and pulled on his old tshirt before walking out of his bedroom. As soon as I opened the door, I was hit with a strong smell of bacon and eggs. Shawns sculpted back was turned towards me as he flipped pancakes in front of the stove, doing a little butt jiggle as he danced to the beat of the soft music playing.

I groaned loudly. He was making it so hard not to fall in love with him.

“Hey! You’re awake! I made some breakfast,” Shawn said, flipping the pancake onto a plate and shutting off the stove.

“Thank you, Shawn,” I said before reaching over to him and giving him a small peck. He sat by the kitchen bar beside me and we dug in to our food, talking about anything and everything.

“D’you not like bacon or something, love? I could make sausages instead if you’d like,” Shawn asked curiously, noticing how I haven’t touched the plate of bacon since I sat down.

“I’m a vegetarian, actually,” I said. Shawn clutched his heart dramatically and clenched his eyes. “So you’re telling me: you’re extremely hot, extraordinarily successful, and you care about animals?”

I laughed loudly at his exaggeration, to which I earned a soft kiss on the top of my nose from Shawn. “Stop, you’re too much,” I said before realizing that today was a Thursday, “Oh fuck, what time is it?”

By the look on Shawn’s face, he must’ve lost track of time too. “Oh, uh, its 8:30,” he said, glancing to the clock on his wall.

“8:30?! We gotta get to work!” I said, quickly cleaning up my dishes and putting them in the sink.

He followed me into his bedroom as I threw on my clothes from yesterday and tied my hair up in a sleek bun. He grabbed his go to work outfit as I ran into the restroom and brushed my teeth with his extra toothbrush. After I was finished, I grabbed my purse and we walked out the door to my car. The ride to work was filled with music flowing through the speakers as we hummed and sang certain parts.

Parking my car, I looked over to Shawn,”You can go in first.”

Shawn scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion, “What? Why?”

“I just... I don’t want everyone to know about this. Yet.”

Shawn was a little bit hurt at that statement, but he nodded and silently left the car anyways. He thought it was unbelievable that he was deep in my guts and making me moan his name into his ear just last night, and now I want to act like none of it happened.

I watched him leave before grabbing my spare work clothes in the trunk and changing discreetly in my car. I waited about 5 minutes before trailing into the building and up the elevator. As soon as the elevator doors opened, Arlene was quick to meet me at the entrance with todays schedule. “I did some more research about that company you wanted to invest to and I emailed you some notes, you have a meeting with Mark from HR at 10 and Tiffany from finances at 11.“

I took in this info as I walked with Arlene into my office, making it a point to not even glance in Shawn’s direction to not raise any suspicion. He noticed this action, sighing at how cold I was acting.

“You seem a bit distracted, is everything okay?” Arlene’s voice broke through my thoughts. I debated on whether or not to tell her about my night with Shawn. She was one of my best friends, afterall. But for some reason, I didn’t want to tell her just yet in fear of her judgemental reaction.

“Huh? No, I’m fine. I just need my coffee,” I said, turning on my computer to start looking through my emails.

“Alright, whatever you say boss. I’ll have Shawn bring it in a bit. He’s a great intern, by the way. I think we got lucky with this one, he actually knows how to follow directions in a timely manner,” Arlene ranted. She absolutely despised the not-so-bright intern we had last summer, who didn’t even last the whole summer in this fast paced work environment before getting terminated.

“Yeah I’m really lucky to have him,” I said without thinking before I said it, “I mean, we. We’re really lucky to have him. This whole office is lucky to have him.”

Arlene stared at me trying to save myself from that slip up, “...Okay?”

She walked out of my office with no further questions, but I just knew she has her suspicions on. She was way too smart to not know. I sighed, planting my elbows on to my desk and stuffing my face into the palms of my hands. Dating is so complicated. If you could even call it dating, we haven’t even officialized anything yet.

As if on cue, there was a knock on my door. “Come in,” I called out.

Shawn walked in with my usual cup of caffeine, closing the door behind him. “Hey,” he said cautiously, not knowing where he stood with me exactly.

“Hi,” I tried to put on a brave smile for him, leaning over to clutch the coffee and bring it to my lips.

“Are we okay?” He asked in a straightforward manner.

I almost choked on my drink, “What? Yeah, of course. Why?”

“I don’t know, are we gonna act as if we don’t know each other at work everyday?”

“No. I mean, yeah but no, I-“ I started before shaking my head, trying to find the right words to say,”I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just, I’ve never done this before. Even with other guys that didn’t work with me, I never let the office know of my personal relationships. But then theres you, sitting just a few feet away from me with that stupid curly hair that looks so good between my thighs and that stupid cute smile that I can’t resist and, I just, I don’t know, okay?”

I watched his face change from extremely confused to understanding to amusement. “You think I’m cute?” he teases, walking towards me.

I rolled my eyes but laugh nonetheless, “Is that really all you got from that speech?”

He nodded, leaning in to kiss me. His hands were quick to land on my waist, pulling me closer to his body. In return, I wrapped my hands around his neck and began to kiss down his neck, harshly sucking on his sweet spot and leaving a light bruise. He whimpered whenever my tongue would graze across the spot where his shoulder met his neck. “Please touch me, fuck,” he breathed out with his head thrown back and eyes shut. I smirked at his response but decided not to give him what he wanted just yet.

I unbottoned his slacks, pushing them down along with his boxers to free his member of its tight constraint. I lightly stroked it, feeling it get harder under my touch. “Mm, thank you, thank you,” Shawn whined into our kiss. I smiled against his soft lips, he didn’t think I was actually going to give it to him that easily, did he? Poor guy.

My hands wrapped around his, dragging it down his body to meet with his hard cock. I unlocked our lips from the kiss and leaned back, crossing my arms. “I want you to touch yourself,” I smirked at the bewildered look on his face. His face was flushed and his eyes were wide. He was stunned. He’d never done this in front of anyone, ever. He stood there hoping I was going to say that I was just joking or fucking with him.

“I said, touch yourself. And don’t come until I say you can. Are you going to be a good boy or am I going to have to punish you?” I repeated with an assertive tone.

Shawn shook his head no before taking his member in his head and stroking the tip out of fear of what his “punishment” would be, as if this wasn’t already punishment. To touch himself while I was stood right in front of him, not willing to even lay a finger on him, seemed like the worst punishment he could think of right now. But nonetheless, he did it and he admitted that he liked it.

He pumped his cock in his fist harder watching me unbotton my silk dress shirt, revealing a pink lacy bra. “Oh shit,” he breathed out looking at my sexy body.

I got down on my knees in front of him, batting my eyelashes up at him. I cupped my breasts, “D’you want to come on my tits, baby?”

His mouth was agape, small moans and whimpers falling out at the sight of me on my knees in front of again. “Yes, fuck yes,” He moaned as he felt his climax rushing towards him like an avalanche.

“Well thats too bad, isn’t it? Stop touching yourself. Now.” I said, getting back up on my feet.

Shawn’s brows furrowed immediately. He was so close, so fucking close. I tugged his arm away from his member as he gasped at the close rush he had. He took his lip in between his teeth, biting down to ease his nerves after being edged like that.

I sat Shawn down on my desk before I climbed on top, grinding on his crotch with my lace clad pussy. I was still fully clothed, skirt rising up as I grinded on his fully naked body. He balled his fists hard until they turned white to try and resist the urge to pull my panties to the side and slip his cock in my wet pussy. He was absolute putty beneath my touch, letting out a string of whines. When I started to circle my hips in figure eights, that almost send Shawn all the way over the edge. “Fuck! Please, please let me come holy shit,” Shawn moaned. His climax felt like it was coming on even stronger than before. He leg muscles were clenched as he prepared to see white, before I lifted my hips up and restrained from giving him any friction again, edging him close to his orgasm once again.

“No, ba-“ Shawn started, but he was interrupted by a knock on my door.

“Mrs. Y/L/N, you have a visitor.”

taglist: @vxidnik @justjustyncase @onemorekissisallittakes @kindadefinitely-fucked @hollandechart @imfreefallinall @ashwarren32 @nevermindmisha @winterparker @kinglyhemmings @unhealthyobsessionwithmarvel @alinashawn @peruvian-bae

[joeycupcakerichter]

Justin Foley - Obligations

A/N: Okay, so this one deals with than a less than happy home life and a move I think Justin would make all day er’day because he doesn’t always think shit through.

Requested: Yes, by anon

Pairings: Justin x Reader

Warnings: Insinuations of abuse and living in a poor household. Alcohol father also.

Word Count: 1311

Prompt: 54. You’re not obligated to save me.

Masterlist

Your alarm blares for the fifth time before you finally crawl out of your bed. You just have no willpower this morning, thanks to the killer hangover you acquired from the night before. You can hear out in the living room that your parents are fighting again. Something about the electric bill, or maybe the cable bill? Probably both. You groan inwardly before sitting up and rubbing your eyes. You glance over to your phone to see no messages received, which was the first thing that actually surprised this morning. You send a good morning text to your boyfriend Justin before stripping off yesterday’s outfit and getting in the shower. As you go to step into the tub, you hear your phone buzz again. You eagerly pick it up to see a message from your service provider. You look at the phone, confusion washing over your features before you tossing the device on your bed and storming out into the living room.

“What the hell guys!” You shout, trying to be heard over your arguing parents. “Why is my phone shut off?” Your father glares at your mother before turning on his heel before storming out and climbing in his truck and shooting down the street. You turn to your mother, fuming. “What’s the point of me having a job when I can’t even have a functioning phone?” You shout.

“Your father blew all of our money at the bar last night. Apparently his tab needed to be paid.” Your mom says, sitting down and taking a drink out of her coffee. You could feel the sides of your face burning as your rage boiled up you stumbled over your words.

“What in the fuck do you mean?” You roar, rage getting the best of you. Tears starting falling down your mother’s cheeks and you felt your heart drop into your stomach.

“What would you have me do (Y/N)?” She pleads with you. You stand there before the broken woman, trying to muster up some words of comfort but all that comes to mind is the instance that she leave him. You didn’t care if he was your “father”. He was a piece of shit who had no interest in anyone but himself. You opt to silently hug your mother, knowing nothing you could say would express how you truly felt about the situation. She rested her hand on your arm, using her other to rub your back to comfort you. When tears subsided, you finished getting ready and started your walk to school. Normally you would ride with Justin and Zach, but since you had no way to get ahold of them, looks like you were walking.

As you turned onto the busy street that would leave you to school, you heard loud music and a horn honking behind you. You turn to see Zach and Justin looking at you, gesturing in confusion.

“The fuck (Y/N)?” Justin calls out once Zach come to a stop next to you. “Why didn’t you text me this morning?” You pulled out your phone and showed him the message from your service provider trying hard to keep your composure. Justin knew about your family, it was what drew you together. But that didn’t mean that you wanted him to know how much you struggled there. And this was just your dad blowing the phone and electric bill. You had been out last night when he stumbled home drunk and pissed but had you been there, it would’ve been a hell of a lot different.

“Damn, (Y/N). I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?” Justin asked, a look of concern covering his features.

“Unless you can somehow come up with 500 dollars so we can pay our bills.” You say shortly, knowing the likelihood of that was slim. He wore a contemplative look now, and said nothing. Zach looked from you to Justin and started to drive. He was cute, but boy was he dumb. His saving grace was he knew when to stay out of it. You didn’t want to hear the “easy” solution that most people have, it was the same one you wanted to offer to your mother this morning. Except it’s never that easy, your dad made the money for your family. It’s why he thought it was his to spend.

School was uneventful for the most part, Sheri getting on you at lunch about not texting her back until Justin tells her to shut up. She backs off, telling you she’d see you around. Great, more bullshit. You just wanted the day to end so you could go crawl into your bed and try to forget the world. Justin and Zach had practice after school and while you normally would stay and watch to cheer them on, you snuck off while they were getting changed into their uniforms. Plugging in your headphones, you privately thanked god for music and its ability to get your mind off everything.

When you cut the corner onto your street, you were surprised to see Zach’s Audi parked out front. As you neared, you could see Zach was still in the car and you were confused as to why he was even there.

“Zach, the fuck are you doing here?” You shout at him, emotion drained from your voice. He says nothing and points to the front door where you see Justin talking to your mom. She seems to be thanking him profusely, and even pulls him into a hug, definitely earning a raised eyebrow from you. Justin looks awkward as he breaks from the hug, spotting you over your mother’s shoulder as he mouths the word “shit”.

“Hey mom, what’s going on?” You ask warily as you walk up the front yard. You’re watching the two of them warily, half a million things running through your head.

“(Y/N), I was just talking to your mom about something, I wanted to help out.” He says cautiously.

“Help out with what?”

“(Y/N), honey, Justin gave us a little bit of money, to cover what your dad blew last night.” Your mom explained, words getting stuck in her throat as her voice wavered. Your eyebrows shoot up into what must be your hairline as you turn your gaze on Justin.

“I’m, uh, gonna be staying with Zach for a little while.” He tells you as he nods at Zach. He smiles at your mom, but you can see the anxiety in his eyes, he doesn’t want to talk about it here.

“I have to get this money in town before 5 so I can pay off these bills.” Your mom says, excusing herself from the two of you. “Thank you Justin, I’ll pay every dime of it back, I promise.”

“Don’t worry about it Mrs. (Y/L/N). No rush.” He says warmly. Your mom plants a kiss on his cheek and beams at him before hopping into her car and speeding towards downtown.

“What the fuck did you do Justin?” You whisper angrily. “Where did you get that money.”

“Meth Seth just left it lying around. I wanted to help you.” He whispers back.

“You moron, he’s going to kill you!” You exclaim, emotion taking over your volume.

“I’m staying at Zach’s until I can replace the money. It wasn’t much. You said you needed 500, I’ve stolen more from that prick.” He tells you dismissively.

“You’re not obligated to save me.” You insist, tears threatening in your voice.

“Of course I’m not, but I want you to be happy (Y/N).” Justin pleads. You run your hands through your hair, nervously watching the street as if Seth would already know. “I just wanted to help you.” He says sadly. “I’d give up anything to see you smile. You’re everything to me.”

[ffuuuuuuuck]

september 24, 2019

Today was such a bad day my thoughts kept pulling me in different directions- all of them bad

ended up skipping class today, thought about dropping out of school entirely like a lot

like, i know im capable of it and it’s not even hard, it’s just the looming fear of failing again like i did in my first highschool. I’m falling into the same patterns, it’s getting harder to maintain a positive mentality. it sucks because i was doing so good and then one thing sets me off and im back on my bullshit. 

somehow writing it out makes me feel a little better, makes it feel like the thoughts aren’t all just stuck in my head. 

my family helped today- my mom sang one direction with me in the car because i think she could tell I was on the verge of crying lol. That’s what she used to do with me in middle school and felt bad about the way i looked- it was cheesy and dorky but nice. she also took me to meet my baby cousin for the first time since she’d been born-5 months old and shes fat as fuck but also cute as fuck

i think i might just go back to spending time with my family again- it was easier than having to deal with friends. I love them, but i don’t feel the same with them anymore. it was different when i was into the same shit- smoking weed, doing drugs, doing nothing but walking around all the time. but now i’ve got school and work and actual responsibilities, and none of them seem to get that. Some of them even get mad because i cant spend as much time with them. I understand being upset, but it just makes me feel worse because i already feel worn thin. Plus, we dont really have anything in common anymore other than weed. Even that i’ve been trying to quit, but that’s all they ever wanna do and my lungs are all burnt out. And frankly, i like the feeling of being sober better than being high now. 

I guess that’s the only thing me and Maurice had in common. When we first became friends,  i was so happy to have someone like me. Into musicals, into anime, into all these dorky things my other friends weren’t into. but now its nothing but weed or talking about her ex boyfriend, or our friend bianca. I’m really glad her and bianca get along so well- i knew they would, i would always try getting all of us to hangout so they could get to know eachother more. But now it just feels like im on the outside. Whenever im with them they always just go off in their own space, talk about their own things that i can’t contribute because i wasnt there or not in on their inside jokes. I tried for awhile to just get used to it, because i shouldve been just happy that they were happy. But then they started hanging out without me all the time, and yeah, it makes me a little sad but no biggie it’s not like theyre my only friends. it feels like im not allowed to feel anything, like anything negative that i feel is just a sign that im getting bad again. But it hurts, like a lot. Bianca is always going on about stuff she told maurice, how maurice said that and that her and maurice always do this, and how great maurice is. Maurice is always saying how amazing bianca is and how much she loves her, how’re theyre gonna go do this and that. lately they started inviting me to hangout with them, but at this point it just feels more like pity than anything. Even when we’re all together, it’s like im intruding on their space. It just sucks. Like it’s not like i want to break them apart or anything, or for them to include me more. I don’t really want anything to happen, like im happy they get along. I just feel shitty about it. Even today, i found out something new about Bianca and yeah it was cool learning that about her but she threw in “really you didnt know? Maurice knows” and i dont know why but it stung. Probably because i was already feeling shitty today. 

Maurice had asked me earlier in the day to hangout with them tomorrow- but it was only because it had come up in the conversation because i had told her about something concerning bianca. and honestly, i felt like i couldnt go on pretending anymore to be ok. so i told her that i didnt mean to sound like a dick but i didnt really like hanging out with the two of them together- but i still liked hanging out with them seperately. which, typing this out now i realize i really went the wrong way about this. It’s different when its just me and maurice and me and bianca, its not much different and nice. but when theyre together i just feel really crummy. i wanted to try to tell her that but she just told me “okay whatever i dont even wanna ask why.” and hasnt talked to me since. my mom said if they cared theyd understand, but im not sure i even went about it the right way, if there is a right way to tell your friends that. I told her what happened and she said that bianca would talk to me about it because my mom said that she definitely cares. 

But when i told bianca about it, about maurice being upset with me and what i had said, all she said was how did they exclude me. That we played cards together that one time. That we had gone to go get hair dye that one time. I explained to her that yeah, when we went to go get hair dye it felt better because i was actually apart of their conversation. but the other times i just didnt feel like i belonged there with them. She wasnt upset about it like maurice was, but she seemed... i dunno, annoyed? not annoyed but like it was just me back on my bullshit. like it was all in my head. I think she did say it was all in my head. And after we left school a guy we knew was supposed to come with us, and she said “What, are you gonna feel excluded because Robbys coming?” in a really sarcastic voice. I just put in my headphones after that and actually did my homework. Because im supposed to be the chill one- im supposed to be the emotionless one, the one who doesnt let anything bother them because if i acknowledge that im hurt, then that means i could be getting unhealthy again. But fuck dude it did hurt. I barely tell my friends what I feel, and to be shot down like that, to be treated like i was just acting dumb again really hurt. especially because it wasnt like i was asking for anything to be different, other than me not wanting to hang out anymore. also especially coming from bianca. Out of all the people, i felt like i could count on her the most. I guess i was wrong again. Which sucks because its not like my brain goes to “ok they were a dick that time whatever”. When im not feeling good (aka when im not drugged out), my brain immedietely goes to wow what a dumbass trusting people again. 

It didnt help that Quenten came to hangout today. I normally love seeing her, and everytime i see her she vents about her problems and i support her because i know she has a lot on her plate all the time. But today it just made things worse. She vented like usual and i tried to support her the best i could, but when i tried to talk about something that was bothering me she kinda just shut me down. Cut me off, started talking about her problems again. Usually she does that, but today it hurt because i really needed someone to talk to, and i thought we were that person for eachother. 

Some shit went down with this Guy one time, and its kind of fucked me up. For awhile i tried my best not to let it get to me, tried staying friends with him and making the best of a situation because everyone told me that it wasnt that big of a deal. Not directly, but through their body language, the way they just change the subject, so i just believed that. Tried letting it go till eventually it built up inside me and blew up and left me feeling ruined. The other night i saw the Guy, and i had been doing so good, had been feeling happy and safe and just better. But he walked past me and it was like all of that just fell apart, i felt terrified again and unsafe and it was that feeling all over again, of not getting a choice, of not getting to have control, of putting my complete trust in someone only for it to be ruined. Anyways, its been leaving me fucked up for the past couple of days, and i just needed someone to talk to that wouldnt brush me aside. Im not sure why i thought that though. Quentin still thought highly of the Guy, still cared about his opinion i guess. its not like they were friends, but still. I shouldve known she wouldve blown me off when i tried talking about that situation. 

I might need to see a counselor about it, because theres no one that i can even really talk to about it. I tried with this one girl, and she really helped me. But then it turned into a shit show because she outed the guy when i asked her not to, and one of my ex good friends came to me, and basically said i was making it up. when before we stopped being friends she believed me and understood why i got scared around the Guy. I guess that situation fucked me up too lol. But theres no one i can talk to, no one i can even bounce my thoughts off of. I wish i could talk to my mom about this. Sometimes she’s really good with this shit. But i know telling her about this will just make my life worse. Ill go to being looked at like some broken pitiful thing. Im not. I might be broken but im strong and i dont want to be pitied or someone to get mad in my place. I think some part of her already knows.

I think im done talking for today. Guess spilling my guts is too much too.