#if u cared truly abt the disabled would u not care for those who are so severely disabled that they cannot read or write

[blueiight]

my mother was actually illiterate until her adulthood. ‘illiteracy’ is not a catch-all phrase for people who are stupid& read corny books. illiteracy is an actual inability to read words on a page, and/or to write words. to use ‘illiterate’ as a subsitute for ‘stupid’ is an insult to all the people far smarter & far more well versed in the world than u will ever be, people whos only ‘fault’ is that they were deprived of an education and intentionally neglected by the systems they were born under.

[appledumplinn]

TW⚠️ABLEISM/ABLEIST DISCOURSE (for some reason tumblr isn’t letting me swich this little blurb and the pic around so apologies<3)

okay i understand that lateral ableism is horrible and ppl with physical disabilities shouldn’t make it seam like that they “have is the worst” but why does having a disability need to be a competition? i think its worth mentioning that y’all able-bodied ppl and phys disabled ppl that make it a competition like this “*insert disability* is more important than other *insert disability*!1!!!!!1!!” only see it this way bc u see ppl with other disabilities and or with higher or lower support levels as competitors

im not saying that this person doesn’t have it bad at all. Tourette’s and tics in general are absolute torture and cause so much pain and injury for the ppl who have it and i think more ppl should understand that. <3

however most ppl in cripplepunk dont veiw disability like this. and to be frank disabled ppl that DONT veiw other disabled ppl like competition dont think like this. at this point i wish the ppl who dispise other disabled ppl like this would just say that they veiw us as competition which is why they feel justified in lashing out at those with different needs or higher support needs (higher or lower tbh)

and if I’m being seriously honest if ppl are more disabled than you, WHO GIVES A SHIT? i have fnd and low to med support needs for my autism, and there are ppl that “have it worse” than me, so what? i stopped caring abt wanting to have it the worse bc I’m fortunate to be able to do things that others cannot do due to one or both disabilities. i have a privilege that many don’t have and i think instead of lashing out bc u have the privilege to walk while others cant, be glad u still can do things like walk or walk without issue.

if this kind of behavior towards ppl with different needs is bc ppl that didn’t understand u acting like ur not truly disabled unless ur in a wheelchair, bro pls go to therapy for that. like i feel like so much of this kinda shit from able-bodied neurodivergents is just ppl like this taking out them not getting listened to by fully abled people out on other disabled ppl. i think thats why able-bodied neurodivergents like this shit on cripplepunk, when cripplepunk exists just so physically disabled ppl can empower themselves and each other and fight against a world that saw them as less than human (myself included) and bc they cant be apart of cripplepunk themselves :,)

i live for the day where we get rid of this notion that phys disabled ppl have it sooooOoOoo good while everyone else doesn’t cuz they can walk, see, hear, etc and we cant.

all in all i think ppl who do think see ppl in the community as competition and y’all need to go to therapy.

[charmspoint]

what i know abt qifrey from u talking abt him uhh ok so he's genuinely just a nice guy but also he's evil and irredeemable but also he's literally just a pleasant gentleman

I know ur not asking for a rant about this but by god ur gonna get it.

So the thing is, I don't think Qifrey is evil or irredeemable at all. We joke around the fandom (at least i hope its mostly jokes) that he's evil and crazy but he's really not. If id have to pin Qifrey on a morality spectrum I'd say morally gray but leaning towards the good.

Did Qifrey do some messed up stuff? Yes, fo sure. But I've always gotten more of an impression that he's teetering towards the edge and not completely over it. He does do damage but so far he's mostly made sure that damage was extremely localized and not actually harming other people (I talked about before how Qifrey's own memory erasing spell seems weirdly specialized compared to what we were brought to believe memory erasing spell actually does when used by anyone else).

But now comes the question

Do I think Qifrey will get worse?

Yes, 100% I believe this is where we are going towards, I said before that I'm p convinced he will become some kind of obstacle for Coco down the line.

Qifrey is going through a LOT rn. He's already got ptsd from, you know being stripped of his identity, buried alive, almost drowned and then remembering he was experimented on like a lab rat, but now it's getting worse. Before he could at least relay on the fact that even though his past was horrible, his future was bright. He genuinely loves his job, he loves his girls, he loves teaching. This monolog gets me every single time

Now he's losing his future, he's losing not only his eye, but the whole identity he built out of nothing, he's losing his teaching position, he's losing his kids, he's losing Everything he gained after he had already lost Everything.

It leaves him rushing against an uncertain time limit, desperate, stumbling, sloppy. I don't think he's thinking straight anymore, not really. I think he's convinced he is being methodical and calculating but in actuality he's stumbling forward, grasping at straws, unable to hold on to anything but his need for revenge and the empty words that his actions aren't only for his own sake.

It's all very striking, in his relationship with Olruggio in particular. Olruggio is very clearly supposed to be the guiding light for Qifrey, the one who pulls him back when he goes too far, the one who helps him resist the growing darkness. It's very meaningful how as Qifrey continues on his path he makes sure Olruggio doesn't even know about it. He said it himself, if Olruggio knew, he'd try to save him. He'd try to bring Olruggio to light again and Qifrey doesn't WANT to be saved, he has decided on a road he wants to take and he won't allow anyone to change his course. Not even Olruggio.

So do I think Qifrey is evil?

No

Do I think he'll get worse?

Yes

Do I think he'll become evil?

Not really

See here's the thing. Qifrey's desperation, how quickly he's trying to work through this, how determined he is to throw everything else under the bus if he could just achieve his goals? All of that is dictated by the fact he's running out of time, the fact that once he loses his eyesight he can no longer be a witch. Eyesight is VERY important to witches since magic is a very visual art. We've seen with Tartar how something as seemingly miniscule as color blindness can basically doom someone, causing everyone around them to say they can't become a witch without good eyesight. So complete blindness is a death sentence to a witches career. Now, it's funny how a lot of the Coustas and Tartars arc has to do with adjusting the world to disability and not the person to the world. How it's made pointed, over and over again, that people with disabilities shouldn't be written off but given proper tools that will help them function, how the world should adjust to be a more comfortable place for all kinds of people and not just those who are already adjusted to it. Without the threat of his eyesight going out and cutting his whole identity into bits, Qifrey wouldn't have to act like this, he would be able to sit and think and not rush and if he still wants to pursue brimhats he could do it more safely for himself and everyone else because the desperation factor would be gone.

So what I think is going to happen is that Qifrey will lose his eyesight but won't lose his standing as a witch because he, Olruggio and the kids will figure out how to make magic accessible to him.

Now there's of course a bunch more unaccounted for variables which I'll probably have a better grasp on after the current arc is done being translated. Ininia and Lord Restis represent a very interesting development because they are brimhats introduced specifically via healing injuries. The rule of 'medicine magic isn't allowed cuz it's a slippery slope' has been there since the beginning of the series and a big thorn in the 'yeah the witch world rules are good and fair' side cuz of course, everyone thinks healing people should be allowed. Now the brimhats we've had so far were fully ready to attack and experiment on children's bodies in order to further their own goals so of course that immediately leaves you disliking them and not putting much account into their rhetoric even though it does make sense at times, but ur not gonna listen to ppl experimenting on kids. That's why I think Ininia and Lord Restis are interesting, cuz if they aren't literally attacking children they might get a good case in about medicine magic being allowed. I think we are going towards at least some sort of medicine magic becoming acceptable considering Tartar's arc. But then the question is, if some sort of medicine magic is approved, will it be used to heal disabilities cuz like...that would kinda suck. I would much rather have a 'world should be adjusted so disabled people can participate in it equally' narrative rather than the 'just heal the disability with magic lol' narrative. But honestly this whole paragraph is pure speculation because the arc isn't fully translated or even fully out yet but I sure af am LOOKING at it. I think it will be v important in understanding where the story is going to go. I just hope Shirahama does a good job with it, but honestly she never once let me down up until now so I'm feelin positive.

Circling back to Qifrey, I do think he's one of the kindest, most understanding, most lovable characters I've had a joy of reading and studying. But he does have a black hole in him that is pulling apart all that kindness, leaving him a shattering shell. I don't think he's evil, I don't think he'll ever become truly evil and despite what he's done I don't think any of what he did is irredeemable, especially with how careful he tends to be not to take away from people more than he has to to further his own goals. But I do think that hole will eat at him more and more and that before he can get better somebody will have to notice it and help him plug it up. Olruggio noticed and Qifrey refused the help, convinced that he can't be helped, not in the way he needs. He will need proof that he can keep his future before he can ease up on the frantic hunt after his past

[funny-house]

huhu u got me to watch opal the other day since u keep talking abt it and im glad bc i Really Enjoyed It but !! anyways , i saw u mention mirror man doing makeup for someone and i keep thinking about it so Thoughts Incoming sorry in advance lmao. i think he would like to do claires makeup (and teach her abt it in general) when she gets a bit older,, both bc it seems like a legitimate hobby he would enjoy (i imagine if he werent Like That he probably could have been a makeup artist or something similar!) and bc he would like to ‘prettify’ her a bit.

and ah well,,, a lot of parents Like Him sometimes try 2 make their child a carbon copy of themselves or of an image they enjoy so if he grew to like claire more or already does like her enough for that (or just, wants things to revolve around him More) hed try to nudge things in that direction. and in his own way i think He might think hes doing something good, he knows when he was her age he would have killed to have a parent so eager to help him learn makeup and stuff but. claire isnt him. she probably isnt even interested in it at all but shes kinda desperate for Nice Moments and also doesnt wanna risk making him angry so she goes along with it. she always has her head in the clouds so all the things hes saying is too much at once but shes trying to comprehend it,,,,,

nd he keeps giggling at her for how awkwardly she moves her arm when putting on foundation and blush nd gets kind of annoyed with her for repeatedly flinching when he tries to help her with mascara nd teases her a bit for trying to taste the lip gloss (and keeps pointing out a flaw or two on her face “well, youve always had a sort of weird shaped face but youve always had the cutest little smile, its like Mine :)”) but they do it !! together !!! and nothing (that) bad happened !!!!!! so claire is happy,,,,,,,,,,, until that inevitably opens the gates of him trying to pick out what she wears for her and “””suggesting””” hairstyles for her and getting manipulative and even flatout Angry when she doesnt do what he wants her to (bc even when things Seem like theyre about claire they Are Not, its what He wants for her , in the end its still all about him) but, ive rambled enough to you already <:o) sorry for talking so much i just wanted to chat a bit abt opal with you !!!! hope ur doing well hehe . and im sorry this is rambly nd probably incomprehensible i just did a lot of work hkehri

ohhhhhhhh !!! FIRST  I am super glad that all my constant rambling about this man has allowed you to go watch Jack Stauber’s awesome little short, it’s really good and deserves all the support !!!

also i totally appreciate you wanting to share your thoughts with me ;u;

AND I TOTALLY AGREE  the whole idea of him projecting himself onto her, trying to take over her, I think that is so fitting for the short itself tbh, because it’s a reflection ( mirrors, hehe ) of what the mother wants from Claire as well. The thing that terrified Claire near the end is the mother reaching to hold onto her, specifically after the mom said that she was going to become just like her. The idea of her becoming her parents? it terrifies her, clearly!!

And Mirror Man, he is what they call a “archetypal narcissistic abuser”, in my eyes at least,  and it would be really really common to see someone like that not only be so controlling and self absorbed that they treat their child like a decoration to themselves, but also use that child, especially as they get old enough to have opinions on the situation, to turn them against their partner-- such as.... the mom

so picture this

Claire is like 10-12, and she’s bright and she’s got a good heart but she’s WELL and truly Affected by the years of being brought up in that ridiculously toxic hell hole-- I mean house no idea if the grandpa would live that long uhhh in his state, but even if he does, he’s still very sick, disabled, and senile and he isn’t going to be much help. and Claire, she’s starting to have Opinions,, on how things are running around here,,      but in swoops Mirror Dad

He’s like........ it’s your mother’s fault. Oh, absolutely, have you seen her? I mean look at her, she’s disgusting. she’s a drug addict, she’s a drunk, she’s ugly, she’s the reason you feel like this-- and maybe some of that is understandable, i mean she’s a real mess of a mom, no mistake, but hey

Nobody’s going to tell Claire who made her that way! Nobody’s going to tell her Mirror Dad was the one who trapped her in an unloving, possibly violent relationship, with a kid, and ripped apart every inch of her self worth !!!

Nope. she just sees the aftermath. So mirror dad...... turns claire on her. And she starts to side with him on things and she starts to even kinda talk like him maybe even....... learns how to do that dark and scary insecurity voice of his and one day She walks by the.... Reflection Chamber and Mirror Man is there in that way He Always Is in that seat he always sits in, and he says something very very odd to her!   he raises a finger and curls it in and says    come sit on my lap you haven’t gotten too big to sit on my lap have you?? come here!! and i mean Claire is still very very uncomfortable even being near him, and this feels like a trap, but i mean she can’t just say no, and there’s a part of her that’s kinda hoping... maybe he really is trying to be nice. and so she does and she sits with her but you’ll notice he is never looking directly at her. Even as she’s approaching literally right in his line of sight, he stares straight into her reflection, never her face.  It’s like she’s not even real unless she’s in those mirrors.

And he tells her he wants to do her makeup! yay! how fun! and he tells her to close her eyes and pout her lips and try not to flinch when the sculpting starts or he’ll use his deep voice-- and how he’s going to finally FIX her. Goody!! then maybe the constant barrage of insults and negs and criticisms will stop!! (p.s. they wouldn’t have )

And so she opens her eyes..... and the face of her abuser is looking right back. It’s her face. Or it used to be-- now it’s literally his and it’s hideous-- it does not AT ALL belong on that body, and the only thing left of her is her big shiny eyes

and she  S C R E A M S that way Claire does,,,

but this time, loud enough to crack the mirrors, and stun the dad just long enough for him not to catch her in his hands when she leaps off his lap and books it for the attic the attic, the view of the billboard with the same worn out, not updated ad for Opal’s in the window. She locks the door, it doesn’t take long for mirror man to come banging on it, telling her she’s ungrateful, she doesn’t deserve what little she has, taking back every nice thing he ever said, etc,,,

and Opal just starts clawing off the makeup/clay/whatever from her face in the mirror’s glass reflection, putting her hair back into the pigtails her father said made her look stupid

but she isn’t Opal, she’s changed, she’s aged, but Opal-- she’s always the same!! happy!! cared for!! and what is she supposed to be under the makeup? huh? Who is she besides the abuse she’s put through, that billboard and what it sells to her?  she doesn’t know! nobody does nobody ever bothered to get to know what it even means to be Claire.

[oursidae]

long ass rant abt bl3

just, so many spoilers under the readmore, things i thought the game did poorly and things i wish were changed

I should have expected it to be not great being that, borderlands was NEVER fantastic with its writing and character development. Ive been spoiled by tales from the borderlands tbh. I think borderlands three tho was like… fantastically underwhelming.

I had a blast with the beginning of the game up through the end of the first vault, where the excitement peetered off. 

Firstly, i wholly believe Maya was done horribly. Compare her death to say, Roland. Even if you hadn’t played BL1, you had almost the entirety of 2 to get to know him and his character and his place in the world of borderlands. Maya’s death was INCREDIBLY early in comparison. And not only that, the characters dont get to mourn aside from a few offhand voicelines. Mordecai mourned for bloodwing in a more substantial way - you get two full side quests about it. Zer0 says one offhand voiceline for maya. They were her friend goddamn it, i wanted MORE. 

ava is a good character but the fridging of maya just makes her into… what, a brat who accidentally got her killed and now has her powers? it would have been more interesting for them to develop alongside each other through the game and if maya died near the end, youd have cared a lot more about ava too. she’s just really one note right now.

Speaking of side quests, there were very few. They were sparse and honestly i dont think they added much to the plot of the game or the world.

in borderlands 2, side quests, at least in my eyes, were what forced you to explore the map. in borderlands 3 they forgo a lot of side quests in favor of the crew challenges, which were far less rewarding imo. like, build claptrap a gf with parts from dead claptraps in the world. disable COV radio towers for moxxi, kill fauna for hammerlock, people for zer0, etc, but except for zer0 and hammerlock you just get very similar voice lines in return. as well as xp. they dont add to the plot or worldbuilding or characters in any way. 

the lack of side quests i think really hurt my enjoyment of the game, because in bl2 it was the sidequests that got you to know the main cast and see that they were working behind the scenes. like brick and his slabs, moxxi asking you to sabotage opportunity, ellie and scooters more jokey side quests even!! it made them feel real with motives outside the main quest. bl3 didnt really have any of that past the first vault (i say this because lorelai gave some good sidequests.) in 3, moxxi and hammerlock only give u one side quest each. marcus (who gave u a lot on bl2) didnt give you any. he was literally just there to run the ammo shop. 

some of the more hyped characters dont really do shit. the b-team, mordecai/brick/tina dont really do…anything, they bust hammerlock out of jail, and then give you one side quest per person. thats really it. i hoped that, considering their roles in bl2 and their relationship to lilith, theyd have big roles here too. they didnt. they were truly forgettable. 

aurelia showed up to fill a villain slot and died. maybe im a sucker for redemption, but i hoped theyd had more in store for her. and they just…didnt. just like, a whole mission of wainwright calling her a harpy while hammerlock really wants to convince her to not be evil only to get fucking shot by her, like,,,,

vaughn is a joke. they did him truly dirty. his character development tanked into a “haha look at him hes strange and naked” joke. tftbl ending vaughn would NEVER. i wish theyd acknowledge the events of tales from the borderlands AT ALL. or had vaughn and rhys SPEAK TO EACH OTHER.

rhys is another thing, i rly dislike the relationship theyre pushing w him and sasha even tho sasha literally didnt show up in the game. apparently theres echo logs of him obsessing over and searching for her (i didnt find these in my own game but like, i believe it) and her picture on his desk and god DAMN it just let it rest,

BALEX was bland and so immediately misogynistic that i hated him on principle.

so then theres this character Typhon Daleon. he is the first vault hunter, but to my knowledge the only mentions of him occur in bl3. in fact, i dont think he’s mentioned in a main quest until after you kill troy and meet him in person, you only hear of him in the typhon logs which are optional. Then in the final quest you learn troy and tyreen are his kids, then he dies. i had no attachment to this character! he should have at least been built up in borderlands 2, if not in all of the previous games to get me to at least go “huh neat!” when its revealed hes alive, his kids are the villains, etc. 

tannis… they handled her being a siren poorly, my gripe isnt that i called it, its that it isnt really explained how she got her powers. i was pissed for like a good while after she reveals that she has ANGELS powers because i assumed somehow she stole or manufactured them. theres an eridian recording that KIND OF explains it, but again, those are OPTIONAL. idk if i just blanked out when she went, oh, by the way, heres why,  but to my knowledge its never explained to the player in a main or side mission, at least until you see ava get mayas powers. its infuriating.

worldbuilding wise, this is a much smaller issue, but i wish there were nonhostile fauna on the other planets. pandoras whole thing, the big meme the big laff, is that everything wants to kill u there. so it wouldve been nice to like, see some fauna thats docile. runs away from the player, is chased around by the carnivorous fauna or bandits or something. maybe a hammerlocks challenge could be to use stealth to kill a docile animal or something, it just would have been nice,

i also didnt think the ending made sense, lilith,.. punched the moon and disappeared? died? also brick and mordecai DIDNT GET TO BE THERE FOR HER OR WITH HER AT ALL. after all of bl2 where its SHOWN they’re good friends who care about each other, youd think theyd get to witness her death/disappearance. on top of that it felt like the whole game was building to something with lilith and the climax was so underwhelming. 

i just want to beat randy bitchford with a rolled up newspaper until he stops being a piece of human shit and borderlands can develop the characters and world.

the good parts of the game were…the graphics and the bossfights. the boss fights were all unique and interesting and FUN. katagawa jr, troy, the second vault monster, and tyreen were my faves in that order. hammerlock and wainwrights relationship was adorable and i liked the credits art of wainwright proposing. clay was a fun character but like all the others, didnt have development.

i also had a lot of glitches. my game would crash if i navigated menus too quickly, i had an issue with effects from shields staying on my screen even tho they should have ended, as well as a lot of glitching after cutscenes, most notably falling through the floor after the troy bossfight. a lot of my quest objectives glitched and wouldnt activate until i reloaded, which was frustrating.

i DID like the game. but i dont know if ill do a replay past promethea. i was just wishing itd be a whole game on the level of the Commander Lilith DLC.

TLDR i wouldn’t have minded the game being so lilith centric if the other characters got to matter at ALL.

[illusionfm-blog]

*    𝖘𝖚𝖋𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖌  ,  chapter  ii  :  the  second  part  ft  .  emerson  hemmingway  ,  ya  favorite  fake  ass  !  intelligent  n  powerful  ,  no  nonsense  ,  problem  child  but  aint  nobody  gotta  b  knowin  that  bc  she  won’t  make  it  known  .  she’s  playing  some  dangerous  games  but  that  big  head  of  hers  is  convinced  she’s  not  abt  to  get  caught  and  lowkey  ?  if  anyone  can  pull  it  off  ,  it’d  be  her  !  

⋆    ╰    another     year     at     hollingsworth     ,  another     year     of     the  big     six rivalry     .     i     hear     that  EMERSON    HEMMINGWAY     is     ensuring  CHI    MU    OMEGA     gets     a     solid     pledge     class     and     stays     at     the     top     of     the     ranks     .  oh     ,     you’re     not     familiar     with  HER  ?  EM     is     the  TAYLOR    HILL     look     alike     from  CHICAGO    ,    ILLINOIS     .     a    part     of     PC  ‘16     ,  she  is     majoring     in  PRE-MEDICAL    BIOCHEMISTRY        and     has     plans     to  PURSUE    MEDICAL    SCHOOL    AND    HER    LIFELONG    AMBITION    OF    BECOMING    A    SURGEON     after     undergrad     .     it     makes     sense     they     pledged     their     house     ,     their  FERVID     &  ERUDITE     attributes     make     them     perfect     matches     .     however     ,     their  MENDACIOUS     &  UNRELENTING     attributes     keep     their     name     alive     on  greek     rank     .     if     you     don’t     catch     them     dancing     to  RHIANNON    -    FLEETWOOD    MAC     at     a     fraternity     band     party     this     year     ,     you’ll     be     sure     to     catch     them     nursing     their     morning     hangover     at  THE    CHI    O    HOUSE    .  cheers     to     another     wild     semester    !

tw  :  mentions  of  drug  use  ,  mental  illness

⋆  ╰    𝑺  𝑻  𝑨  𝑻  𝑰  𝑺  𝑻  𝑰  𝑪  𝑺   .

𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍    𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 :     emerson  elaine  hemmingway  (  formerly  katsopoulous  ) 𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬     :    em  ,  emmy  ,  ems 𝒃𝒊𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒅𝒂𝒕𝒆    /    𝒂𝒈𝒆 :    august  12    ,    twenty  -  one 𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄     :    leo 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓    𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚    /    𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔     :     cisfemale    identifying    with    she  /  her    /    hers  pronouns 𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏     :     openly    bisexual    and    biromantic  ,  no  preference 𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏    :    pre-medical  biochemistry  major    at    hu  ,  forward  for  the  hu  women’s  ice  hockey  team  ,  academic  success  center  advisor  &  personal  tutor  ,  personal  trainer  ,  aspiring  surgeon 𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔    𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆    :    slytherin 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏    𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒅    𝒃𝒚     :     fiona  &  lip  gallagher    from  shameless  ,  debbie  ocean  from  oceans  8  ,  spencer  hastings  from  pll  ,  princess  bubblegum  &  marceline  from  adventure  time  ,  natasha  romanoff    &  carol  danvers  from  the  mcu  ,    meredith  grey  &  alex  karev  from  grey’s  anatomy 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒔    :         -    distant  ,  mendacious  ,  unrelenting  ,  severe  ,  obsessive  ,  easily  goaded  ,  defensive  ,  pessimistic  .

+        fevrent  ,  erudite  ,  observant  ,  level-headed  ,  astute  ,  perceptive  ,  polished  ,  ambitious  ,  capable  .

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑻  𝑬  𝑪  𝑬  𝑫  𝑬  𝑵  𝑻 .

more  bullet  points  ,  for  the  𝖜𝖎𝖓

emerson  elaine  katsopoulous  comes  into  the  world  on  an  uncharacteristically  warm  chicago  night  ,  testing  positive  for  opioids  ,  a  father  who’s  already  forgotten  her  mother’s  name  as  he  rots  in  a  prison  cell  ,  and  no  reason  for  anyone  to  believe  she’d  ever  amount  to  anything  .

custody  is  awarded  to  her  grandpa  ,  christos  ,  and  pretty  much  the  only  family  she’s  ever  known  becomes  the  ratty  neighborhood  she  grows  up  spending  her  evenings  in  .  christos  surviving  on  disability  and  doing  odd  construction  jobs  here  and  there  under  the  table  for  some  spare  spending  money  ,  emerson  spends  most  of  her  days  under  the  supervision  of  the  dysfunctional  families  in  her  neighborhood  ,  all  fucked  up  in  their  own  ways  but  doing  their  absolute  best  .  she’s  reading  the  label  of  the  cigarette  boxes  she  plays  with  as  toy  cars  by  the  age  of  3  ,  chatty  and  curious  ,  always  inquiring  why  the  man  in  the  street  is  laying  there  with  a  spoon  in  his  hand  or  why  the  ladies  on  the  corner  at  night  are  “  dressed  like  its  warm  when  it’s  really  really  cold  outside  ”

christos  enforces  a  strict  no-visitation  policy  for  emerson’s  mom  and  ensures  the  whole  neighborhood  keeps  it  up  ,  although  there’s  very  little  he  can  do  when  the  vagabond  woman  seeks  emerson  out  on  the  playground  at  school  with  playground  attendants  who  clearly  don’t  care  enough  about  their  jobs  to  pay  attention  

one  of  emerson’s  earliest  formative  memories  is  her  mother  “  picking  her  up  ”  from  school  and  telling  her  they  were  off  to  go  on  an  adventure  ,  causing  an  amber  alert  to  be  put  out  for  the  then  seven-year  old  emmy  .  watching  her  mother  abandoning  her  on  the  sidewalk  to  bolt  away  at  the  sound  of  the  sirens  approaching  is  something  emerson  recognizes  as  the  beginning  of  her  trust  issues

the  older  she  gets  ,  the  more  she  acts  out  ,  landing  her  eventually  in  a  behavioral  school  in  downtown  chicago  where  she  spends  her  days  learning  just  about  nothing  in  class  and  acts  out  even  more  severely  .  christos  is  at  his  wit’s  end  with  the  visitations  from  police  and  her  behavioral  officer  ,  even  a  brief  stint  in  juvie  not  being  enough  to  curb  the  girl’s  enthusiasm  for  trouble  .  

aggression  towards  authority  figures  was  a  major  complaint  ,  but  the  most  severe  issue  became  emerson’s  quick  tongue  and  sharp  observation  .  after  having  learned  a  few  tricks  of  the  trade  from  other  students  at  the  behavioral  school  ,  she  finds  herself  increasingly  talented  at  conning  the  absolute  living  shit  out  of  other  people  .  at  first  it’s  small  things  ,  trading  academic  favors  for  weed  and  somehow  selling  that  for  twice  its  worth  to  the  gullible  students  ,  finding  ways  to  forge  signatures  on  things  she  needs  signed  by  a  guardian  ,  to  the  more  elaborate  and  high  scale  ,  such  as  taking  the  SATs  for  private  school  students  in  the  next  county  over  and  making  BANK  ,  conning  boys  into  trading  off  their  rolexes  which  she  later  pawns  .  

christos  puts  her  in  ice  hockey  at  the  recommendation  of  her  juvenile  probation  officer  at  the  age  of  13  ,  which  proves  to  be  one  of  her  saving  graces  .  her  coach  becomes  a  notable  figure  in  her  life  ,  smacking  the  sense  into  the  chaotic  child’s  mind  that  she  can  accomplish  so  much  more  than  she  gives  herself  credit  for  .  her  behavior  interventionist  recommends  an  adhd  screening  for  which  she  finally  gets  a  diagnosis  ,  and  a  prescription  for  adderall  ,  which  marks  the  beginning  of  her  transformation  .

just  before  entering  high  school  ,  christos  and  emerson  are  contacted  by  a  woman  who  identifies  herself  as  her  long  lost  aunt  .  as  it  turns  out  ,  her  hockey  coach  had  done  some  digging  and  found  that  her  father  ,  a  man  em  had  never  once  spoken  to  ,  had  an  estranged  family  located  in  ohio  ,  moguls  of  a  local  architecture  chain  with  political  ties  and  very  well  off  .  wanting  to  branch  out  into  more  metropolitan  areas  ,  they  mention  their  interest  in  moving  to  chicago  ,  and  concoct  a  plan  that  changes  emerson’s  life  

thanks  to  some  insider  ties  ,  her  politician  aunt  daphne  has  completely  erased  her  felon  brother  from  any  connection  to  her  ,  and  has  forged  a  life  for  herself  with  her  architect  husband  .  feeling  a  duty  to  her  estranged  niece  (  and  preferring  to  get  ahead  of  any  potential   surprises  that  could  come  from  having  secret  family  derailing  her  political  career  )  daphne  and  christos  come  to  the  agreement  that  emerson  can  be  “  adopted  ”  by  her  aunt  ,  living  as  her  daughter  and  trading  the  slums  she  grew  up  in  for  a  life  of  luxury  and  illusion  .  emerson  learns  to  tell  the  lie  with  ease  ,  “  i  lived  with  my  grandpa  instead  of  my  mom  and  dad  due  to  some  health  complications  that  were  best  treated  at  the  university  of  chicago  medical  center  ,  but  they  spent  as  much  time  as  possible  here  ”

in  order  for  the  lie  to  work  ,  and  possibly  one  of  the  most  difficult  moments  of  emerson’s  life  ,  daphne  regretfully  has  her  cut  off  contact  with  everyone  from  her  “  old  life  .  ”  letting  go  of  a  felon  father  and  schizophrenic  drug  addicted  mother  was  easy  due  to  never  having  attached  herself  in  the  first  place  ,  but  abandoning  the  families  that  raised  her  and  the  hockey  coach  who  changed  her  life  was  among  the  most  painful  thing  she’s  ever  done

she  changes  her  last  name  ,  moves  to  the  upper  class  suburb  of  chicacgo’s  finest  ,  her  con  artist  tendency  making  her  transition  seamless  and  the  illusion  of  fitting  in  so  much  more  than  an  illusion  .  learning  from  those  around  her  ,  emerson  learns  the  exact  things  to  say  ,  the  precise  ways  to  move  ,  and  with  a  newly  funded  bank  account  thanks  to  her  “  parents  ,  ”  she  pulls  off  the  act  with  ease  .  she  moves  up  into  a  premier  hockey  league  ,  achieves  grades  that  catch  the  attention  of  countless  schools  ,  and  transforms  into  a  driven  and  determined  steam  train  ,  with  a  one  way  ticket  into  a  legacy  she’s  built  from  the  ground  up

hollingsworth  u  became  her  most  appealing  option  after  touring  the  premises  and  finding  the  competitiveness  of  an  ivy  league  without  the  social  ineptitude  — equal  parts  ritzy  glam  and  fierce  ambition  ,  hu  seemed  to  embody  everything  emerson  was  seeking  without  the  pretentiousness  of  the  other  schools  groveling  at  her  feet  to  have  her

her  first  few  years  are  a  breeze  ,  her  family  connections  meaning  she’s  set  up  in  countless  places  to  achieve  whatever  she  wants  .  she  gets  an  internship  at  the  medical  center  doing  research  by  her  sophomore  year  ,  is  a  starter  on  their  women’s  hockey  team  ,  and  is  enjoying  the  social  aspect  of  her  sorority  time

shit  TRULY  hits  the  fan  the  summer  before  her  senior  year  ,  when  daphne’s  campaign  for  mayor  of  chicago  is  rattled  by  an  investigation  that  exposes  her  senior  assistant  for  having  embezzled  from  the  city  .  though  daphne  herself  is  innocent  ,  the  political  climate  pushes  for  a  closer  eye  on  the  hemmingways  and  their  dealings  .  a  crisis  manager  (  literally  olivia  pope  lmao  )  does  her  own  research  and  before  emerson  knows  it  ,  she’s  suddenly  thrust  into  her  senior  year  with  absolutely  no  financial  support  from  her  family  .  as  it  turns  out  ,  due  to  the  corners  cut  by  not  formally  nor  legally  adopting  emerson  (  as  it  would  have  left  a  paper  trail  )  ,  the  financial  aid  daphne  provided  would  route  in  a  way  that  would  not  line  up  with  the  birth  certificate  that  showed  emerson’s  birth  parents  as  people  other  than  her  fake  parents  .  not  wanting  to  risk  a  scandal  that  would  make  national  headlines  without  doubt  ,  daphne  and  emerson  devise  an  alternative  where  em  uses  her  academic  and  athletic  prowess  to  earn  scholarships  to  cover  her  schooling  ,  which  can’t  be  traced  and  leave  no  red  flags  for  anyone  trying  to  dig  up  dirt  .  

emerson  knows  she  can’t  let  anyone  think  she’s  struggling  ,  both  for  her  own  ego  and  for  the  sake  of  her  aunt’s  campaign  ,  which  is  why  she’s  pushing  herself  to  the  edge  to  keep  up  both  her  academics  and  her  athletics  to  maintain  these  scholarships  .  while  these  cover  the  basic  costs  ,  keeping  up  the  lifestyle  she’s  had  requires  a  bit  more  effort  ,  which  is  where  it  seems  this  tiger  won’t  change  her  stripes  no  matter  how  well  she  had  hidden  them  for  so  long  .  what  started  as  simple  tutoring  turned  into  a  teleportation  back  to  her  behavioral  school  in  chicago  but  on  a  wider  scale  —  she  sells  her  adderall  prescription  to  make  quick  cash  and  offers  her  services  for  fake  test  taking  or  last-minute  essay  writing  .  it’s  high  risk  ,  but  also  high  reward  ,  and  emerson  has  always  thrived  in  high  pressure  situations

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑨  𝑳  𝒀  ��  𝑰  𝑺  .

personality  wise  ,  em  is  known  for  being  the  cool  calm  and  collected  type  ,  who’s  a  bit  of  a  mystery  to  most  .  she’s  an  illusion  and  lives  the  lie  she’s  been  telling  as  if  its  her  second  skin  ,  sometimes  losing  what  she  believes  in  at  her  core  .

she’s  deeply  ambitious  and  wants  to  be  a  surgeon  ,  her  dream  since  she  was  a  child  as  medicine  was  the  most  stimulating  thing  possible  to  her  .  she  did  so  much  research  on  her  “  fake  illness ”   to  sell  her  story  that  she  ended  up  falling  in  love  with  it  ,  and  has  been  set  on  medicine  ever  since

this  aggressive  ambition  can  also  show  as  fixation  or  obsession  ,  and  emerson  has  a  severe  problem  with  not  knowing  where  to  let  go  .  while  she  seems  cool  and  detatched  ,  she’s  obsessed  with  never  feeling  like  she  could  have  done  more  and  will  always  be  the  girl  who  can  be  goaded  into  taking  things  too  far  ,  often  putting  her  in  dangerous  situations  that  she  has  to  figure  her  own  way  out  of

she  tends  to  take  everything  kinda  seriously  and  despite  being  p  relaxed  ,  her  perfectionist  type  a  side  makes  itself  very  apparent  in  the  day-to-day  of  her  life  .  she  knows  how  to  play  hard  and  enjoys  herself  a  good  party  ,  but  even  in  the  way  she  plays  beer  pong  she  hates  to  fail

has  a  sexy  deep  voice  n  an  even  SEXIER  deadpan  sarcastic  wit  .  ..  .  def  the  friend  to  call  out  bs  without  batting  an  eye  ,  usually  wearing  an  oversized  hoodie  n  gucci  slides  ,  em  is  the  literal  intersection  of  boujie  and  casual   PHEW

having  such  an  unstable  upbringing  and  so  many  shitty  experiences  at  such  a  young  age  have  hardened  her  and  made  her  deeply  unwilling  to  trust  others  .  she  tends  to  keep  the  world  at  a  distance  ,  and  even  her  closest  friends  always  admit  it  feels  like  they’re  still  an  arms  length  from  her  deepest  layer  .  emerson  is  pretty  sure  the  only  person  to  ever  see  her  cry  is  her  grandpa  ,  and  intends  to  likely  keep  it  that  way

instead  of  freaking  out  ,  em  shuts  down  !  v  unemotional  !  she  just  detatches  and  tries  to  be  calculated  which  tends  to  make  people  think  she’s  some  shitty  robot  who  doesnt  give  a  fuck  about  anyone  but  herself  bc  of  her  “  rich  girl  upbringing ”  which  is  true  to  an  extent  ,  but  nobody  will  ever  know  the  true  backstory  that  explains  her  emotional  detachment  and  secrecy

in  a  way  ,  even  though  she  has  the  world  convinced  she’s  this  composed  individual  ,  she  still  always  thinks  of  herself  as  a  chaotic  problem  child  which  only  fuels  her  determination  even  more  ,  often  to  the  extent  that  she  fucking  burns  herself  out  .  she’s  incredibly  cynical  and  has  a  p  negative  self  perception  because  she’s  just  that  fucking  hard  on  herself

has  never  really  been  in  love  !  she’s  never  let  anyone  close  enough  to  her  that  she  risks  getting  attached  enough  to  get  hurt  ,  which  means  relationships  are  usually  rather  shallow  and  end  when  she  gets  bored  or  when  they  get  tired  of  waiting  for  her  to  open  up

stressed  as  SHIT  trying  to  keep  up  her  illusion  for  her  own  ego’s  sake  and  that  of  her  family  !  she’s  ashamed  of  her  upbringing  and  her  aunt  has  always  been  pretty  good  to  her  ,  and  em  recognizes  that  if  daphne  wouldn’t  have  appeared  ,  emerson  would  probably  have  ended  up  like  either  one  of  her  parents  .  people  have  noticed  that  emerson  seems  a  lil  more  anal  than  usual  ,  but  the  con  in  her  makes  it  easy  to  convince  everyone  she’s  just  stressed  with  the  prospect  of  graduation  and  medical  school  

[bibbleboo]

not to alarm anyone im prob fine cuz lbr if im still here by now im prob never gonna do it but ohhh4hjh5j4hj54 the s/ui thoughts lately lads. the ‘literally no aspect of existing in any way in this universe feels worth it even a little bit’ thoughts. ive been in this depression for like prob over a year now btw its just coming in big up and down waves and lately its been . real bad. mostly bc i didnt wanna bring it up bc its one of those 'i have no way out of this situation so whining abt its gonna make me feel guilty and hopeless and wont improve my state of mind in the slightest so why bother' but. might as well idk

i take care of my sisters kids like a literal fuckin cinderella from the minute i wake up (8 ish) till 2 am. this was not our plan. when i moved in i was supposed to pay for my share of bills and my own food and work on learning adult shit and how to take care of myself. instead im doing genuinely 50% or . frnakly M O R E of the hands on caretaker work. often by myself while she smokes weed and hangs out. im not joking when i say i have almost no free time. the free time i get is too unpredictable to make productive. its nearly 6 am rn as i type this. i get 3-5 hours of sleep a night, bc she wakes me up early, and goes to bed late, and if i have anything i need to do, i have to stay up a few hours later than her. she wittled my boundaries into this like everybody in my life always does when they need shit from me. and this means i cant take care of myself bc im disabled and like. im not allowed to be. nobody can do it anymore ig so im tryna figure out how or if i can take care of myself but. i have been begging to be given even just the opportunity for independence for Y E AR S but im constantly roped into filling other family members needs instead. so i quite fucking literally do not have MOMENTS of time to work on this. im stagnated, i was never given the chance to take care of myself bc i was stuck in this, so. she still has to do (most of) shit stuff like drive me around and cook dinner and clean and call my drs and get groceries and bro like i KNOW thats hard. but ive expressed before, 'either u take care of ur own kids and i fill my responsibilities so we’re both just taking care of our own shit we should already take care of, or it stays the same swinging pendulum bc i literally dont have the capacity to balance this'. 

ive been running on fucking empty for years dude. i didnt know it was POSSIBLE to feel This exhausted and hollowed and drained. its pure misery. i feel like my spirit is being siphoned. i feel like nothing anymore. im running on fumes and have been for years ive BEGGED all of my family all thsi time please fucking let me catch my breath i literally truly cannot do this. and im told im in debt and have to for having needs. im always gonna be in debt. im not allowed to ask for more than i can give back so if i cant manage that too bad so sad. so im. literally stuck in this hopeless fucking cycle of being needy and burning ymself out from guilt. 

and we’ve talked abt it before like im already bitter abt this shit right and she KNOWS its killing me. but. the other day . i got so sick from bronchitis i had to go to the er and spent days doing almost nothing but sleeping and coughing right. i was so fucking sick i felt like i could pass out and i couldnt breathe. i was no exaggeration sickest id been since i had swine flu. and she . told me i had to watch her kids so she could go pick up my antibiotic. which i understand but she got mad when at first i said i didnt know if i could. and i cant. help that. but the next morning i had the strength . so i sat there with the kids barely holding on while she got them. she came back. i went to go back to bed. she literally tried to force her kid into my hands dude. i put my foot down bc she outright only asked for me to do that until she got back and also why would she expect. a sick person whos Medicine shes going to pick up would be in the state to take care of her children immediately after. i legit couldnt do that. and then she threw the biggest text tantrum at me over it. saying 'adults still have to do things when theyre sick' and how i dont do enough and she said it was like having a third child and it. ngl kinda broke me a little like lmao ! girl ive been SLAVING FOR YOUUU PPL THAT I TELL ABT THIS SITUATION THINK UR A FUCKING >>>JOKE<<<< THE WAY U GOT ME PICKING UP UR SLACK and ur telling me im over here literally more worn out and broken than i thought was possible for a human being and its. nowhere near enough for you. like i thought this was unbalanced but in a different way YOU actually think it skews to YOUR side..... bro is it ever gonna be enough then lmao?? am i ever gonna be allowed to live debt free???

its just. to realize im over here grinding myself into dust when truly nobody is going to care. theres never gonna be a moment where they sit back and realize what ive sacrificed, literally all the health i have in me short of dying, all the spirit i have, im utterly broken inside and out just so i didnt have to see them suffer. and they got what they wanted so they hardly care. i mean shes so used to this, she felt ENTITLED to my help with it. she literally just automatically views these kids as partly my responsibility...... i cried all fucking day abt that dude. im trying so hard to live a happy life where i take care of myself, am not a burden, and not a slave either. why. is this my life. literally what did i do WRONG. to be constantly treated this way over and over and over again. why am i so irresistible to take advantage of why am i in this cycle how do i get out of it why is every choice too hard will i literally Ever find happiness in this like. doom! dread! i exist to be used abused and losed ! one day ill be homeless and wont know how to cope bc i was too busy fixing everybody else and i wont know how to maintain myself bc i wasnt allowed to learn !! life is a prison a nd idk how to do it anymore!! oh and ofc not to mention, i literally love these kids more than anything else and despite the suffering theyre fullstop the only thing keeping me alive, and i think that Would be the thing to legit make me k/ms if i couldnt see them ever again no way around it id never get through that so. that also has me stuck. lmfao. tldr; life sucks. pain. misery even