#if this starts discourse then well. i dont know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ do whatever

[tanlorin]

need to come out and say that endgame can actually be fun once you get the hang of it 😊 it's not for everyone, but i'm begging y'all to not knock it just because it seems grindy or gatekeepy or whatever the case may be.

[synthcabbit]

im gonna complain about how shitty tumblr is and what it made me into for a second

tumblr has been a safe haven for me since i first joined in the beginning of 2012. i made so many friends who im still friends with today. its helped me figure myself out with gender and sexuality as well.

i started getting into discourse around late 2013 - early 2014, at the time i was considered 'anti sjw'. i had some harassment a little before that even while i wasnt too open about shit but it became a very big issue. there were a group of users (who i still very much loathe) that had harassed me and my friends pretty fucking badly. for me it got to the point to where i deleted (kinda the worst decision). yes at the time i was a little shit but i absolutely did not deserve what fucking happened. i had callout posts (which is fine because i was a lil shit, thats normal), but i was also being misgendered (i was very early into questioning my gender) by certain users, threatened, and degraded which was really uncalled for (mostly by said certain users). i will always hate those users, mostly that particular one (some of you know exactly who im talking about)

a former friend made a post during this time about how i was manipulative (when we talked i literally only tried my best to reassure her that if she was uncomfortable with a convo topic that she didnt have to talk about it. i also vented to her about my living situation) and it kinda really fucked me up. from that little post is where i began to start to feel like i was actually manipulative anyways. it was the beginning of being scared to talk about my situations and feelings in fear i was manipulating people

so i of course remade like a couple days later because tumblr was very much still important to me despite the bullshit. i was still heavy af into discourse tho. anyways, i dont think i really tried to bother too much with those users anymore. there were still fights every now and then but i just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. after a while i apologized to a certain one for being a shithead to them, i wanted to be friends and so we started talkin a little bit and we did become friends. unfortunately we dont talk anymore tho.

i slowly became more leftist, kinda doing a 180 (tho i was not a rightwinger. i kinda never really was but i called myself an egalitarian and on tumblr its kinda a different story). i learned more about topics, i learned what otherkin actually was (because i was anti due to the trolls that i took seriously) and it helped me out so much with my spirituality and helped me discover a VERY vital part of my being. for that i am very happy for.

after my discovery and kinda half diagnosis of bpd, i followed a hefty amount of bpd blogs, both support blogs and other folks with it. it was nice but after a while id see a lot of shit basically saying shit like 'if youre in a relationship and you ask what your partner is doing/where they are/etc then youre a manipulative abusive asshole'. that also scarred me because i just get curious about my bf if hes late from comin home from work or just in general. i dont have ill intensions like i just wanna know so i know. tumblrs mindset with this stuff and wow if you even just THINK about where your partner is/etc etc then youre abusive and should die. or if you discuss your emotional frustrations your manipulative. that shit fucked me up so much to the point where i constantly think im really manipulative when i talk about anything thats bothering me or showing negative emotions or just anything like that. im always fucking scared that im being abusive to my bf if im not comfortable with something or whatever. it fucked me up big time.

so kinda more recently within like 2017, i fell heavily into ace discourse. it was fucking stupid and i hate myself for getting into exclusionist bullshit. before this i was very supportive of ace folks as part of the lgbt community. idk why i even bothered getting into that. im not an exclusionist anymore. i had to force myself to become distanced from it because it constantly got me fucking pissed. thats what helped me come to my senses and get rid of that dumbass mindset that was literally only a tumblr exclusive issue.

ive seen so many bullshit hot takes and reaches on that site that its beyond mind boggling. its an incredibly toxic site and despite not regretting making one, i regret ever getting into discourse. its definitely not that bad if you dont bother with discourse. but oh my god its fucking disgusting. i hate the site yet im still on it. really ive just been on there so long that ill go down with its downfall. im not deleting until im deleted kinda deal. i dont really go on there as much as i used to, im mainly on here really. but i try not to focus on discourse on there anymore. im mostly there for art, aesthetic stuff, photography, and of course dumb shitposts and vents. if i engage in discourse its normally with dealing with anti kin and rarely syscourse.

to conclude, tumblr is not a good place for your mental health. it has fucked me up as stated above. i feel bad for all the young teens who get on there and get sucked into all that bullshit.