#if this is all ‘’oops couldnt post!! so it has to be deleted’’ abt this i’m going to kill it 🔪

[darkclouud9]

no red hood so I have to make changes but heehee Pearlie cosplay (kinda)

also I got a fish pen and I was like, damn that'd actually go really well with Pearl bc of the fish she refused to pick up because of her task 🥰

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i seen a few times ppl like implying that the positive char development that the donuts are getting via their experiences has anything to do with them having Needed A Break from each other.......i’m truly bemused like. are you talking about this in terms specifically of their Relationship to each other? b/c frankly the way i was seeing it is that their relationship prior to these arcs was actually in a fairly chill place, and that they had figured out a lot of things abt their own / each others needs in terms of it that had been causing them problems and all. obviously i wasnt thinking like “guess everythings perfect for them now” since i mean it wasnt even clear they were like for sure officially ~together~ but also b/c why would it be when they’d just started to be able to have a more solid handle on their own mutual deal

but also like. the only thing we can really say is that sadie quit the big donut and got “yolo” knuck tats because there was nothing at all adequate abt the job w/o having a coworker to hang out w and the fact that lars just went off and died is like, well then live for the fuckin moment i guess huh. like that situation isnt even caused just by the fact that lars is absent, like maybe he’s on vacation or something. its that he, again, died and is still in danger and nobody knows for sure if/when he’ll get back. maybe she wouldn’t’ve started a garage band if that hadn’t happened, but its not like if she had done that and lars was still there, she would definitely be prevented from doing anything involving pursuing her interests, like. idk hopefully nobody thinks that ppl in relationships can’t have independent pursuits or focus on their personal interests

meanwhile there’s no point in saying that anything lars is doing requires sadie’s absence either. its more sort of say the absence of absolutely everyone on earth save steven for a bit there. like sure it was a factor that they got separated the way they did and he felt bad for being too panicky to help her but, same as with sadie, that has nothing to do with benefitting directly from her not being there. and its not like being separated from sadie was the One Reason he was able save everybody and get them all on a spaceship. there was like half a dozen factors there; to suggest if sadie had been there he wouldn’t be able to do this is.....i dont even know...

like fr this whole time for the both of them, the other has been probably the person they’ve been most comfortable being most like themselves around, and not feeling the kind of pressure from each other that generally stifles them in most other situations (like how lars is afraid of how ppl (he presumes negatively) judge him, how sadie feels bound by various expectations for what ppl think she’s really like (but isn’t really like))...the fact that they’re both getting to explore these different sides of themselves isnt really anything they couldnt do back on earth together. the events that happened to separate them (and separate lars from like all of earth...just to reiterate..) just happened to give them a real boost along the lines of making these decisions that impacted their development and gave them these totally new roles within totally new experiences

this is like ppl who have some idea that lars “needed” to die. like, even when its not just ppl who think so badly of lars’s char that they Wanted him to die, but rather looking back on the fact that that happened and he was killed/revived real quick lol—lars didnt Have to do that to have the development of getting to actually fight to protect others and himself and gain some confidence. he wouldve done that whether or not it had actually killed him—when he let the guys scan him without knowing it WOULDNT kill him was arguably enough to give him the same development as if the one hadnt blown up at him suddenly. and i mean, the space piracy is given a fun angle because its cool and genre, but none of them are doing it for fun. they’re trying to get to earth and not fuckin die along the way. lars is getting to continue Experiencing Some Confidence for the first time in probably ever but to present the situation he’s in and how he’s gotten there as something he “needed” is a bit cruel lol...he coulda done that on earth

like yeah if they were both living their normal lives you dont Know that some normal earth event would make them quit and sadie pursue her interests and independence while lars is put in a situation where he feels like he Belongs in a group and has confidence in himself and his ability to do like, anything. but thats coz events sort of just happen at you randomly. like how the event of being attacked by aliens basically led to this for them...it wasnt the Only Way these things could happen, its just The One Way That They Did

and like i also dont quite see that these changes theyve gotten to go through are going to put them in a perfect version of a relationship when lars gets back to earth...they still dont have the longest history of feeling kinda secure in the fact that the other really does actually like them ok, and this whole time theyve been teenz so what do you expect them having a smooth tumult-free development for, and having positive (and negative) experiences separately doesnt just automatically translate into an instantly leveled up relationship the moment they stand within 10 ft of each other again. they gotta catch up and relearn where each other is at and what their new lives and wants and needs are...and just coz their positive development might make it a bit Easier for them if some of their strongest insecurities are a lil blunted now & plus just that being happier tends to make everything easier, doesnt mean that everything is simply effortless. tbh if a relationship is effortless and stays together forever thats less Romantic And Ideal than like, sheer luck.

and it’s unrealistic (in life and in how the show doesnt make a character complete an emotional arc in a single episode or suddenly shed a defining trait just because they realize they ought to change their approach re: something or other) to think that either lars or sadie have like, completely shed all their issues as individuals anyways. and i mean, its their issues that drove them to make these changes theyre currently on. sadie being frustrated with her job, feeling unable to be herself = the motivations that means she’s now really actively pursuing what tf she feels like doing and pushing for it to continue and for it to be in line w what she wants it to be. but she’s not suddenly freed from all insecurities or feeling like everything’s perfect forever and she can never feel stifled again. plus yanno this whole time she freakin misses lars coz they’re friends and that’s not like...something she’s needed to do. absence makes the heart grow fonder but “be apart from each other indefinitely” isnt any kind of a relationship requirement. its just painful and all.

and lars knowing what its like to be afraid all the time and being frustrated abt it means he was so pushed to all at once finally stand up against what he’s scared of that he went and got himself killed, and also that he doesn’t feel the same social pressure he did on earth amongst the off colors, because he knows they know what its like to be scared all the time too—which ppl back on earth didnt understand about him. and so its the fact he’s so familiar with fear and stress that he’s able to fight for them and himself so hard now. but it’s not like you can just Decide your lifelong anxieties out of existence. after a dramatically changing experience, you’re not gonna be the same person you were before, and you’re not gonna be a totally different person. lars isnt some different person unaffected by fears or insecurities anymore. like heck he was still afraid that sadie actually didn’t miss him at all and was maybe even glad that he was gone, something that was completely in line with who he’s been and how he’s felt this whole series. and people go and be annoyed b/c i guess they expect him to just be a character Completely Changed by one dramatic yet brief part of his life rather than a character who’s still just developing and shaped by all his past experiences actually. and who, no, didnt get to choose to shed all fear b/c thats not how it works. he still feels it, he just finally got the taste of taking action anyways. plus even now that he’s not stuck in a crisis over thinking sadie might just hate him now, tbh he does still need to hear it from her that she doesnt lol)

also? tbh? lars’s Whole New Thing has been happening while he’s (mostly) isolated on a spaceship, w just the offcolors and maybe occasional interactions w hostile aliens, which hardly counts as socializing. and sadie’s whole thing of being herself and pursuing her own desires is still happening just around the cool kids really—not to mention all behind a persona. it’s actually not even that like, a lack of confidence = lack of stage fright or vice versa. its a whole other thing for her to stand up for herself and make her own choices in areas that have nothing to do with her band, even though the experiences within the band will help and give her a starting point and something to feel secure in. just like when lars is back on earth and off the ship, he won’t have the same role he has just around the off colors, just being the front of that band in his own, more imperiled, less musical way. and just coz he knows he can hold his own against destructive imperialistic colonizing aliens, doesnt mean he’s gonna be fearless in the face of the cool kids now, or think he can do anything. he’s still faced with the expectations and perceptions from ppl that he did before he left, even if the way ppl act with lars can easily change now. again, just coz things might be easier for the dnuts now doesnt mean they’ve just shrugged off their problems or are now faced with effortless paths in all aspects of their lives

theyve needed a break from the norm they used to have, but Each Other was the least of what was holding them back from changing things up for themselves. it was completely external events as much as anything else that changed things up for them, coz thats how it works sometimes—and within their new circumstances theyve gotten to experience a new situation that lets them be a bit different than they’ve gotten to be back on earth. i mean, they were really restricted. they had the terrible job, both have somewhat strained relationships w parents who dont seem to really understand who their child is, both of them feel pressured by people in general, both have insecurities, both were kind of just faced with a future that didnt involve them being able to just see happiness coming down the line. and it was a big problem for both of them tbh that neither of them really had any friends. sadie was finding it difficult to express herself or be herself, she was always in a scenario where someone (her mom, corporate policy, customers,) expected her to be a certain way that wasnt the real her, she had a crap job, nobody really seemed to know her, her tendency to Hold Back Until You Blow Up could be counterproductive to say the least. lars is stuck in the same job, with nobody thinking he’s particularly good for anything, even his parents not really expecting him to succeed in any way, desperately wanting friends but being too afraid of people to make any, being defensively irritable and pushing people away but unable to be angry on his own behalf. they’re both getting their first chance to be themselves, they’ve both stumbled into Friend Groups where they’re not only respected but supported and even esteemed, they’re both making and acting on choices completely on their own and not being as held back by their fears. but they’re the same people and none of this means the problems they’ve been dealing with are over because of it. they’ve just been forced to adapt to this change that’s come upon them, and they’ve both happened to make the most of it and be getting something positive out of a really crap situation. they could be having these arcs via a different scenario, but it would probably have to be more drawn out if nobody was in fuckin space

getting away from me slightly but its weird to say that lars and sadie Needed to be separated by lightyears thru a horrible experience and one of them is killed and still in space indefinitely. and i dont know how you’d describe what’s happening there as “a break.” that not only implies that they chose to be separated but that they have had the option to be together this whole time and continuously chosen not to, and have considered this whole experience to be a positive thing. an involuntary separation where both really wish they weren’t separated isnt a break. and to say that either of them Need to be separated in this particular way, like, man you know what their relationship needs? someone to be sent an impossible distance away & he died and might die again and might be unable to return. like, no relationship needs that or anything like that. it’d be affected by it sure, and they might be able to find silver linings in it as they have, but its never going to be necessary.....like, fucks sake if it was, how fucked up would that be

again a break would have to be something voluntarily chosen that they believed would be positive for them both, not that they believed would involve mortal peril. and they like, arent enjoying the fact theyre separated. and what the characters are going through is more about their individual developments than how it necessarily applies to their relationship—again i’d argue their relationship was in a decent place actually. not perfect obv, but good...i mean look at how good they both were at recognizing what they were both struggling with re each other. lars didnt Almost Die or anything, until later. and i imagine this stuff is going to help, but not in a “if this hadnt happened their relationship would be doomed” way. and again it is kinda wild to say that any of this might be required of them for any reason, they’re really going thru some shit w all this

anyways 🍩

[tartagliaxx]

pwspwspwspwspws if you’re ven (mi amor platonically) then click read more and if you’re not ven but you still want to see me ramble like a madwoman then click read more.

* *

— i only did geo domain once in my entire life (w/ a friend) and thankfully the drops were good enough. never going back there again w/o someone to co-op w.

— i do think abt elemental reactions... sometimes. and when i do, well its more effecient but im.. yknow downright lazy

— thinking abt rushing ascension+talents+artifacts gives me trauma. like pls. i dont even want to think about what happens after i get venti AND childe (emphasizing the ‘and�� bc the universe is listening)

— ngl xingqiu will probs understand. mona has big queen energy. she can glance at me once and i will kneel.

— haha yes... positivity... i definitely had that years ago and not just today bc if i dont hope what else is there haha. what are you saying? sus? no its not 😗

— lowkey scared and lowkey given a reason to delay my anime binge fest even more.

— bokuto and kuroo own a 1000x1000sqm lot in my heart while the rest are living there rent free. pls i love my hq boys sm they are my first loves (cap but the intention and sincerity is there)

— i dont watch mcyt unfortunately but pls i have never been loved this unconditionally in my entire life. what is this foreign feeling and how do i get an endless supply of it? i am buzzing in my seat. i return each and every single one of your sentiments in infinity’s worth ✨

— zoom kept lagging for me and i couldnt understand my prof’s instructions bc of it. tho tbh its probably less abt zoom and more abt my 5kb/s internet speed. ‘tis not a joke. i was downloading the pre-installation and goddamn. i had to take a minute when i saw that devilish single digit.

— oops ahahahaha my bad, my bad. i answered all my asks as soon as i woke up (6:30am btw i hate it here) but added it to my queue bc i dont want my followers to scroll through my unprovoked brainrot so early in the morning. so sorry for making you wait 🥺👉👈

— this too is kinda late bc tumblr kept deleting my posts and i had to retype this three freaking times urgh.

[ourenjiro]

all right kiddos im gonna make a longass post abt some thoughts and spoiler alert: it's a lot of dumb feelings lmao

pls look away!!

honestly my head's just a big mess right now and i dont even know where to begin untangling it. i thought telling the s/o would help but?? i bet i just came off whiny even when he said it was ok and that he wanted to listen....and i probably just made his opinion of me even worse oops

where do i start tho?? do i go back to the dawn of time(tm) where i first realized i was a terrible person who couldnt relate with other people? or that time i tried and failed horrendously because SURPRISE my people skills were(are) severely lacking and college was never just about a couple of party games, roleplay forums, and good grades? or like...in general, that i cant make lasting friendships because i have about 18291239218 personas and even i have trouble switching thru them lmao

it's not that i'm completely closed off. i just... i just have trouble being myself to more than one person. i hate having too many strings that could potentially (probably) choke me one day. it's easier when you're simply known as the funny person, or the artist, or the one girl who's really good at video games but terrible at holding her alcohol. it's already hard enough trying to combine all these different aspects of me to face a constant group of people which, as far as i know, have had enough of shit in their lives and they've already gone thru enough drama to build a lasting friendship amongst themselves and just WHO IS THIS GIRL who thinks she's important or interesting enough to throw a wrench into that, and i hate it. it's frustrating. because i KNOW they dont think that about me but i just cant help telling myself that they do and it makes this whole friendship thing even hardeR

i'm mature enough to understand that they don't have to know me. they're not obligated to. the way i deal with things requires that i dont get too close for an easy escape, and it's my loss if that forever ruins my chance at making friends.

but that's just it. i'm...self aware and i want to change. i DO want to put myself out there. even if it's mostly for the selfish desire to talk about myself more (i have a lot of shenanigans from college especially that i'm proud of, but looking back-- i've never talked about them because the group of people i experienced those memories with are those i've long cut out from my life and it's really pathetic. im pathetic). im a jealous angry wreck who has no friends, bonjour

recently i've tried reconnecting with someone i was super close to but even if we're talking now and things are civil, it's not the same?? and i was expecting that tbh. i cant expect things to just...go back to the way they were. i left and never came back and they never so much as reached out to me and it's been 3 years and we've all moved on. and though it hurts to find out that they've still been hanging out to keep the friendship alive and i was...never once invited to start over... i'm done with it. it's fine. i'm fine. why worry about shit like that, honestly.

(and sometimes i still think about michelle. about how close we were and about how she was the one i considered my best friend. she knew me the most. i miss her the most. but goddamn she's still the worst person i've ever met back then and i fucking hate her with every fiber of my being, and she never once deserved my attention or my friendship or my love and hNNGNGHNG)

i'm late for work rip

introspection is such a load of bullshit. i look back only to find that i've tiptoed through most of my life and have nothing for it except that time i totally shattered my own carefully-laid defences for the sake of one person and now i have...glass shards cutting into my feet. terrible analogy. delete this.

but that's mostly how it is. i'm happy and proud of where i am now. i'm an actual comic artist (my dream job) and i'm earning enough for myself. i dont have to deal with relatives and people i don't like. i have a potential squad i can call mine, my relationship with my family is ok....and i'm in a relationship with a person who's amazing and talented and all kinds of wonderful and, best of all, loves me back. i'm in a place that i'm ok with, and i guess now's just one of those days where i dangerously teeter back to the dark mess of the past. but that's fine.

i'm really fine.

im gonna end this here and run to work now lmao

[yumenosakiacademy]

metr0c0n 2k18 friday

diary 4 future me. cosplayed: tsumiki (sd/r2)

uh idk how to describe some panels due to barely remembering or not knowing how 2 word stuff so!! sry

okay so i arrived there early at like. 9:30 but apparently the con didnt open until 10 am? so i sat in the bottom floor lobby n played CR/went on tumblr until i went in and went to the bla/ck butler panel! ciel kept being dared to hug everyone, even ppl he hated like alois or soma n grell kept flirting w sebestian

then the bn/ha panel! they did trvia at first, n i think i got a question right, but didnt raise my hand so rip... anyway after short trivia they did the q+a and pr3s3nt m!c said he goes thru 2 cans a day w his hair n that he has endorsements w hairspray companies n later all m!ght said he was oth proud and disappointed in deku’s obssesion w him n i asked aizawa if any of the students ever vaped in his classroom n he said that the were rowdy

after that i walked around for a while n saw a momo (id0lish) n without thinking, asked 2 take their pic n they said they remember me from last year n they were apparently the momo i took a pic of last year??? haha whoops i was just Excited. i also saw a rei while talking to a tsumiki+nico n i was like “thats a yumenosaki uniform omg r u cosplaying ens/tars/into ES” n they said yes they were supposed 2 b rei but their friend had their wig but we were talking abt ES n i cant rly remember a lot of the convo but they said they only rly disliked eichi n i think they liked rei n ritsu n switch? anyway, also around this time, i was climbing the stairs n a fancy dre/amer jane was like ‘hey uh, are you looking for someone named x?” n i said “no...?” n they realized they got the wrong peron n apolgized n left but later i saw them again n asked 4 a pic n apparently their dress was $200 holy shit.. it was a rly nice outfit tho aa. 

then i went to the hs panel! not much to say tbh? stuff happened, questions were asked n all, yknow. kanaya n rose came in fashinoably late but the kanaya was pretty aa. they got asked abt vines n i remember the kanayas favorite was the “yall ugly” vine. aradias was “so no head?” roses was “we all gonna die someday” 

anyway, i went downstairs n stood arund then noticed someone that looked like 1st yr koga so as i passed them when i started moving, i asked if they were koga n they said yes n i took a pic of them (i didnt realize their friend was rei/fem!rei (i think) altho i slightlky wondered it but i had tunnelvision.. a onetrack mind...) n i was like “how r u doing in the event?” n they apparently dont play the game, but they’re into ES n i said “oh!” n i asked their best boy n they said keito or [someone i cant remember] n i said oh cool and i stan rei, since im thirsty, and chiaki n idk the rest of the convo, but they told me there was an ES person in the artist alley n i immediately ran off to go find the artist. then i found an iruma w an arashi in their itabag n complemented them on it (n also said arashi is valid) n their friend had a tsukasa itabag n we talked abt ES for a minute and i asked them abt the button artist.

then the v0ltr0n panel! again, dont kno what 2 say, but it was p funny! “what’s yalls favorite ship??” “we all swore, the Castle” bhrghrt. then i meant 2 go 2 the su panel after the v0ltr0n panel bc it ended at 5:20 n the SU panel ws ongoing after it but i just Didnt. 

so i walked around the dealers room again n saw someone w a tsumugi itabag n i was like “their hair looks similar to tsumugi r they cosplaying tsumugi?? either way, ill complement them on their bag” but they Were cosplayng tsumugi like i expected n they said they were glad 2 b recognized n that tsumugi doesnt get enough love n i got a pic of them n we talked abt ES n they liked the natsume strap on my bag n they also like the oddballs, bc i mentioned i have all the oddballs on my  bag except shu n i learned the ES button person was the same one that made the buttons? they showed me a lil tori figure keychain they got n it was cute... idk if we talked abt much else but Yeah. i also ran into the rei n they found their wig n i was like “u got ur wig? nice! im proud [idk why i said this? i think i meant it in an ‘i believed in u!’way??]” n asked them n the dia they were w for a pic, and also ran into one of my tumblr friends n they had such a cuuuute outfit n they had a lil v!ktuuri charm AND a super cute clear keychain n i was like “MY EFFING BOY.. WUV” but we talked 4 a minute which was fun!!

then the v0ltr0n “opration whats goin on” panel! the operation was apparently that lance couldnt speak english thruout the panel but i knew a bit of spanish so i could kno some of the words but anyway i remember they all T-posed n i think they got asked a vines question too? yea! i remember at some point the kieth threw their starbucks cup in rp anger or smth (it was p much empty) but some of it got ont he carpet n everyone was like ‘KEITH...”

then i coudnt walk around the dealers room bc it was closed so i walked on the con floor n some person was walking around w a large speaker n they put on “Take On Me” n a bunch of us started a chain of people following each other doing that weird dance run that goes w that song n we went all around the con floor, up the escalators, up the stairs, circled around 3 LL cosplayers, went back down, went all the way to the game room, did it in circles around the middle floor of the game room, then the person changed it to “Nevr Gonna give u up” n said we all just got rickrolled but we continued the chain/conga n just danced along to it and motiond to others while lipsyncing all the way back to the middle floor area w the music then the speaker person put on the macarena n i did it for a minute b4 worrying abt my wig n getting tired so i walked around the area then stood near a corner n started reading a hypm!c smut fic then later sat down near the next panel room i was going to go in n finished it

then the dd/lc panel!! i was on my ipad 4 some of it oops sry but they were talking abt who’s best girl n what was it like for monika to delete the others n they got asked the meme and vine question too n they all T-posed as well n there was a kid in the audience who rly loved natsuki n monika n gave natsuki a hug b4 they had 2 leave b4 the panel ended n it was cute... someone tried 2 play your reality on an ocarina, yuri said f*ck, n sayori yeeted a pencil aiming 4 the center aisle of the room but it hit someone but yea Fun Timez

i left a few minutes early to go to the g0rillaz panel but apparently they had 2 cancel so i called my dad 2 come pick me up n saw my tmblr friend again nwe talked abt kp0p n con stuff then they left n i went to the game room 4 a sec but b4 that i saw kenyan n joked w him n called him a furry but how i met w hhim was that he was at the post near the game room (the badge check) n as i walked past he said “i told ur dad id watch over u it’s okay” or smth like that n i went “...excuse me? i dont know you.” but then i realized who it was n went “oh.kenyan sry hi” n he was like “yea, u do, iplay pathfinders n dnd w ur dad in 2 days....” and i said “in our house ur labeled as a furry” n said he should cosplay his furry characters

anywway after a while (i just sat down n waited) dad picked me up!