#if there was like. 28 hours in a day i could manage this way better

[shittygothbitch]

What I rly need now I think is to sleep for like 16 hours straight thru

[lavenderchqn]

"PILLOWS AND THEIR FORTS"

synopsis — after a day escalates in you being fully deflated, kinich proves you that love comes in more than one way pairing — kinich x gn!reader warnings — minor character having a stereotypical outlook on what love is, a very minor panic attack notes — just a small kinich fic, since I'm enjoying him a lot recently

You stifled a yawn, exhausted at the day you unfortunately had to experience. 

The beginning of a new semester was always rough — dealing with new subjects, professors, or fellow students. Sad to say, what it also came with was… bloody in-person lectures. Combining those with your first practical subjects, you were stuck at university since 8 AM. 

Checking at your phone, you’ve discovered you were almost here for 12 hours. The clock has struck a miserable 7:28 PM. Only twelve more minutes and you’d be free to go home. To your beloved blankets. To your beloved pillows. 

“Earth to my lovely friend!” Your university bestie said, her voice muffled. You noticed her hands waving in front of your face. How did she manage to still feel energised was quite a mystery. 

“What’s up?” You asked, laying your head on your arms.

“Look at the boy I’m trying to get with…” She handed her phone to you, giving you full access to her full dating app conversation. “Quite the catch, dare I say~” 

You hummed, acknowledging her words. Unfortunately for her, your brain was not responsive enough to entertain her situation. “Looks nice, I guess…” 

“I know, right! Not to mention,  he’s such a romantic!!” She tried to further prove her point by all the serenade-like words the guy had sent. 

“I’m happy for you… let me nap now, please…” You closed your eyes, trying to conserve the last bits of your energy. Sadly, that was not doable due to a sudden thunderclap startling you back to full attention. Did it seriously start to rain just now?!

On a day… when you had decided to leave your umbrella back at home? Great, just great.

The lecture soon ended, and slouched people left the classroom trying to find any means of getting home. 

“My soon-to-be boyfriend said he can pick me up!” Your friend jumped in excitement. “Sometimes I pity you for still staying with Kinich, you know?” 

Oh. That was new.

“What do you mean?” You stopped, staring your friend down. What did he have to do with anything?

“You’re too good for him!” Her voice strikes back. “Surely you could do much better with a guy who can prove their love to you!” 

Her attitude was less than enjoyable at that moment. 

You pinched the bridge of your nose. That was certainly not the time to have an argument with a friend. Your head was pounding — a cumulative effort of fatigue mixed with your sensitivity to weather. 

“Whatever.” You scoffed. “You’re not the one in this relationship, so what makes you think your opinion matters?” 

With those words, you were off. Into the cold and rain, you went. 

By the time you make it, you’re soaked from head to toe. You sigh as you turn the key to the house. Halfway through your walk back, you remembered that tonight was your turn to cook dinner. Only gods can hope, that Kinich isn’t upset with you.

The moment you step through the door, you’re hit with the smell of a freshly cooked dinner. Did he get so fed up he ordered something? 

You don’t even have time to think, swift footsteps coming in your direction.

“Holy fuck. I knew it started raining, but this much?” Kinich helps you in getting off your bag before heading to the bathroom. 

He’s soon back, with a stack of towels. 

“You’re alright, Love. I’ve got you.” He starts to dry your hair, doing his best not to damage your hair. Your head hangs low — you don’t want your partner to look at your face. It’s hard to even think when tears have joined all the water drops you’re covered with. 

Kinich must know something, as he doesn’t even question your odd behaviour. He dries as much water as he can. “Do you want me to carry you to the bathroom?” He asks. 

“Huh?” You finally look at him, confusion in your eyes. “Why would you?” 

“Because,” He flicks your shoulder lightly. “You need a shower before you get sick.” 

With that, he picks you up and carefully carries you to the bathroom. 

“I’m going to get you some warm and cosy clothes for when you’re done.” He sets you down in the middle of the bathroom, in front of the shower. “Once you’re done, we’re going to eat dinner.” 

“A-Alright.

You stand there frozen for a moment once Kinich leaves, staring at the shower, still in a daze from everything that had happened throughout the day. The exhaustion weighing heavily on your shoulders finally catches up, and you let out a long sigh before undressing and stepping into the warm water.

As the heat cascades over your skin, the tension in your body begins to ease. You let the water wash away not only the grime from the rain but also the stress of the day. You can’t help but think back to your friend's words — her judgment about your relationship with Kinich. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, but as the warm water envelops you, you realise how unfair it was to let those words affect you. Kinich was always there for you, always patient, always understanding. Her words didn’t matter. 

After a while, you finally get out of the shower, feeling lighter, though still emotionally drained. You dry yourself off and slip into the cosy clothes Kinich had laid out for you. As you open the bathroom door, the smell of dinner wafts through the air again. Your stomach growls, reminding you that you haven’t eaten much today.

Walking into the kitchen, you see Kinich setting the table. He looks up and smiles slightly when his eyes meet yours. "Feel better?”

You nod, offering a small smile in return. "Yeah, thanks… And sorry for not making dinner tonight.”

“Do I need to flick your forehead harder?” He asks, head tilted looking at your face confused. “I don’t need an apology.” 

“B-but…” 

“Shush.” He hands you the cutlery, before taking a seat himself. “Enjoy the meal, we’re having a cosy night once you’re done.” 

“Cosy night?—“ You turn around to look at the living room. 

There’s a pillow fort there. Fully fortified, oozing with pure comfiness.  

You stare at the pillow fort, blinking in disbelief. Kinich, always full of surprises, had somehow managed to set up the cosiest little corner of the living room while you were in the shower. Soft blankets draped over chairs and an assortment of pillows arranged perfectly. 

“You did all this while I was showering?” you ask, your voice soft with awe.

Kinich chuckles as he takes a bite of his food. “Sure did. Figured you could use a bit of comfort after the day you’ve had. Plus, we haven’t had a good pillow fort night in ages.”

Soon after,  the meal comes to an end. You both clear the table and Kinich gestures toward the fort. “Fort time?” he asks with a grin.

You nod eagerly, following him into the living room. The fort is even cosier up close, with a pile of your favourite snacks and a movie queued up on the laptop nestled inside. Kinich climbs into the fort first, patting the spot beside him, and you quickly follow, snuggling into the soft pillows as he wraps an arm around your shoulders.

For a while, you both just sit there, the warmth of the fort and his presence surrounding you like a shield against the outside world. The rain continues to tap against the windows, however inside, everything feels safe and perfect.

“Thank you, Kinich,” you whisper, resting your head against his chest. “For everything.”

He starts stroking your back. “Of course. It’s the least I could do, to make your day less shitty.”

And in that moment, you realise that he truly did that. Despite the rough day, despite your friend’s hurtful words, sitting here in this homemade fort with Kinich by your side, you feel truly content… 

Knowing that love can be more than words. 

date of posting — september 16th 2024

[steddieas-shegoes]

7:28

this post by @footburn inspired me in that 'you must type this out before you can do anything else' way so here. this was literally from brain to computer in about 20 minutes.

rated m this is literally just the softest and sweetest fluff, with some implied sexual content discussed

------------------

"Eds."

"Hm?"

Eddie's sleepy voice whispered against Steve's ear, his breath sending a shiver down his spine.

Steve turned his head as his hand reached over to cup the back of Eddie's head, his fingers gently gripping the frizzy strands of hair sticking out.

"Gotta get up," Steve mumbled.

The alarm clock would be going off in two minutes, a stark reminder that the real world was just outside of their bedroom and unfortunately required putting on clothes and going to work.

If he could, he'd stay like this all day, every day, for the rest of their lives.

Next to Eddie, on top of Eddie, under Eddie, any way he could possibly have him. As long as the sunlight kept streaming through the window and the warmth of Eddie's soft, sleepy smile was in view, Steve would be happy.

"Mm-mm," Eddie shook his head once, nuzzling closer so his next exhale made Steve's eyes flutter closed.

"I have to open today."

Eddie's hand settled on his shoulder, squeezing once before falling away again.

"Stupid."

"What is, baby?" Steve smirked as he watched Eddie's brows furrow as he finally started to wake up.

"Work."

Eddie's eyes fluttered open.

The alarm clock switched to 7:29.

"Call out," Eddie's eyes blinked slowly.

"I can't. It's just me today. Robs would kill me."

"But it'll kill me to watch you get out of bed," Eddie pouted.

Steve sat up, leaning on his elbow, and looked down at Eddie.

Eddie looked back up at him with those wide eyes, bottom lip out like it would actually convince Steve to stay.

The alarm clock showed 7:30.

Steve reached over to shut off the alarm as soon as it started beeping.

He leaned down to kiss his head, then his heart tattoo, then the scar on his side.

"Pleeeease?" Eddie whined. "I have today off. We could sleep and not sleep."

Steve rolled his eyes, but couldn't help but want to give in.

They had so few days like this: where one of them didn't wake up screaming or crying from a nightmare, where they weren't in pain the moment their eyes opened, where someone wasn't needing them the moment the sun rose.

It was tempting to take advantage of this moment, of this day, see where it would lead if Steve just settled back down in bed, see if they were able to sleep for another couple of hours.

Maybe wake up with lips against skin, or hands against chests or thighs.

Maybe eat breakfast in bed and make more than one type of mess.

Maybe only get up to take a shower together, scrub off the stickiness of syrup and body fluids.

Or maybe they'd get a call in 15 minutes from Dustin, who should know better than to call before ten in the morning on weekends, but does anyway because he won't admit that he misses them.

Maybe Robin would show up to shove Steve out the door for the shift he's supposed to work, pissed that he'd even try to get out of it.

Maybe Wayne would finally remember to bring that cake recipe he found in an old family cookbook and insist on helping him make it since he knows the secret.

Or maybe Steve would kiss Eddie's lips once before getting up and doing the thing he doesn't want to do today so they can enjoy their peace tomorrow.

Maybe Steve can look at the alarm clock that now reads 7:31 and think about how sometimes love is getting out of a cozy bed and going to work so you have money to pay for those concert tickets that are gonna be the best birthday present he's ever gotten.

"Love you so much, Eds," Steve whispers as he pulls away from Eddie's mouth, already longing for another kiss.

"Love you too, sweetheart. Bring ya lunch?" Eddie's eyes were getting heavy again as he turned his head into the sheets, breathing in the scent of Steve, of them.

"See you then."

At 7:32, Steve managed to go into the bathroom to shower and get ready for his day.

At 7:56, Steve kissed Eddie's forehead as he slept, careful not to wake him.

At 8:02, Steve left a note for Eddie on his way out the door, the same note he wrote for him every morning, left on his favorite mug so he wouldn't miss it when he made his coffee.

Love you, miss you, want you - your Stevie

[ahgasegotarmy116]

He Doesn't Deserve You | A Jeon Jungkook Series | Chapter Five

Summary: Taehyung gets careless and breaks your heart yet again. Pairing: Noona reader x Jeon Jungkook (She's 28 and he's 22) Word Count: 4.7K~ Warnings: Implied yändere and mentions of signs of trauma because of it. (nothing too extreme) a/n: It's taken me so long to get this chapter out I'm sorryyy but I hope it was worth the wait! Thank you so much for your continued support on my stories and I hope you'll look forward to the next part!

Jungkook's visit last week really had me thinking about the choices I make on the daily. 

I stopped stressing about what Taehyung might be doing when he's away and started thinking about ways I could improve myself.

It wasn't anything major but I wanted to take baby steps.

For instance, setting up a schedule for when I wake up and always making sure to not stay up past midnight. Along with promising myself to at least sit and write for a couple of hours per day but also taking breaks when I felt I needed to. I would come back though and finish only when I was satisfied and came to a proper stopping point.

Implementing these little changes in my life has worked wonders on my confidence and peace of mind. I feel like I'm accomplishing something and getting some sort of fulfillment in the day to day which I haven't been able to say for the past few years.

I guess all of this can be chalked up to Jungkook. 

I know I'm ultimately the one who's implemented these things into my life but if he hadn't given me that push, I don't think I would've ever gotten to even see these small victories.

While I'm in the kitchen pouring myself a cup of coffee I hear a faint chime on my laptop and I smile knowing exactly who it is.

'Good morning Noona, did you sleep well?'  I read from the all too familiar jkjkjk.97  and smile seeing that my suspicions were correct.

'I slept like a baby, who knew going to bed before dawn would do wonders!'  I send back and when I try to stand up to walk back over to the kitchen I'm met with another email popping up from him.

'That's good! I'm happy to see that you're feeling a bit better these days :)'  he sends and I smile at the fact that he's just as eager to reply to me. It's been like this ever since that day he dropped off my groceries. He would send me emails first thing in the morning almost like clockwork.

I'm surprised that he manages to keep a similar schedule to mine but I don't really know what he does most days except work. 

I know he works at the grocery store but it seems to me like he's always working at odd hours. Most days even well past closing so it's got me thinking about what else he could possibly do for a living.

It's none of my business but I can't help but be curious about it since when I ask him how his day went, he usually says he's still working even though it seems like he's been working since dawn. 

I really want to ask him but I don't want to pry. He seems like the kind of guy that keeps to himself and open up when he's ready. 

I'm just hoping that there will come a day where he'll trust me as much as I have grown to trust him.

My thought process his interrupted by the sound of keys jingling in the door and my heart sinks to my stomach when I'm brought back to reality.

"Hey baby" Taehyung greets while taking off his shoes. It's Saturday so he doesn't have work which means he might be hanging around here for a while before no doubt heading out again. 

"Hey" I respond quietly, feeling as though I'm retreating back into myself, not really being able to relax until I know what kind of headspace he's in.

"Where's my welcome home kiss from my gorgeous wife?" he asks while walking over to where I'm sitting at my desk. He leans down and kisses me on the lips, moulding his mouth against mine while I crane my neck up and return the kiss, placing a hand on his cheek to keep him connected.

"Welcome home" I let out after he pulls back, panting slightly as he nudges his nose against mine before standing up straight again. "Have you been up long?" he asks, him having gone out late last night and surprisingly turning up here again bright and early.

I hum in acknowledgment, "I've been waking up earlier these days so I can get a jump start on my writing and trying to go to bed earlier" I respond while watching his back as he walks over to the kitchen.

"Oh really? How's that going?" he questions, pouring himself a cup of coffee and walking back into the living room, waiting patiently for my answer. 

"Well it's been nice to implement a bit of a routine since my days and nights have kind of been all over the place for a while. Plus, I feel like this story is really coming along. I even started mapping out ideas for the next book in the series!" I say and he looks at me as if he's almost falling in love with me again, making me shy under his gaze.

"That's amazing honey. I feel like I haven't seen you smiling like this in a really long time. Looks like all you needed was a little discipline to really get your life back together huh?" he say while giving me a knowing look, cocking his head to the side and letting his eyes roam my body for a second. No doubt looking at the faint bruises he'd left from last week.

"I guess so" I say, awkwardly rubbing my bicep where he had grabbed me. "How are you feeling?" he questions, coming a bit closer and ghosting his fingers over the marks. "I'm fine, they don't hurt as much anymore" I say, slipping my arm out if his grasp.

"That's good, I'm sorry I got a little rough with you. I was frustrated with some work stuff and I took it out on you. That wasn't fair of me" he apologizes while brushing the hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear. "It's okay" I say quietly, looking down at the floor to avoid his gaze. 

"No, it's not okay" he says tilting my chin up and making me make eye contact.

"I haven't been treating you well and I wanna make it up to you" he says, caressing my face with the hand that he used to tilt my chin up. "Okay" I whisper as he leans down to connect our lips again but before they're able to touch his phone rings. 

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone and the name Tiffany flashes across the screen with a kiss emoji at the end, giving me a name to associate as to why he's actually never home. 

"I've gotta take this" he says and I nod my head to show I don't mind even though my heart is breaking more and more with each ring. He gives me a quick kiss to apologize before answering the call and walking into the kitchen. 

I take that as a sign that he'll be leaving for the night again and head into the bathroom since it's the one place he won't question as to why I've shut him out. I close the lid of the toilet and cover my ears so I can't hear him but curiosity gets the best of me and I hold my breath to see if I can make any words out despite my whole motives of coming here in the first place.

"No I ca-. Well I just got here I-. Okay, okay fine I'm coming. Let me just come up with an excuse to tell her and I'll be there soon. Okay? Alright, love you too. Bye" I hear him say and he ends the call. I cover my mouth, trying to stop any sounds of heartbreak that might come out and listen as he walks down the hall to our room. 

"Y/n? Honey where are you?" he asks, barely bothering to look for me. "I'm in here" I say, turning on the sink to drown out the sound a bit to prevent him from hearing how wobbly my voice sounds from the emotions I'm trying to keep at bay. 

"I've gotta head out for the day but I'll be back tomorrow night. You gonna be okay?" he asks as if he cared about me. "Yeah I'll be fine don't worry, I'll see you then" I yell above the sound and he says a quick goodbye through the door in return and leaves soon after. 

Once I hear the front door close I let some of those choked sobs go.

He's never been that obvious before. Does he just not bother to hide since he sees that I don't question him about it? I don't even know why I still care since it's very clear that he doesn't care about me.

At that I look at my phone and see that there's another email from Jungkook that came in a little while ago which gives me motivation enough to dry my eyes and get myself together so I can head back out to my laptop and get lost in this safe haven we've created for each other. 

'Did you forget about me already?'  he questions, seeing as it has taken me a while to respond. I couldn't risk doing it and Taehyung finding out about us. Even though there is no 'us' when it comes to Jungkook and I, unlike that Tiffany girl he just left me for today.

'I'm sorry Taehyung came home. He just left though...'  I send and get a response back immediately, seeing he's been waiting for my response.

'Are you okay? Did something happen?'  he asks and I smile at the thought that there is someone out there that cares enough to ask. 

We've been emailing each other everyday since he came over and I've opened up to him a bit more about my relationship with Tae and he's been really good at just letting me talk and just being there for me. Always talking me through things and helping me process no matter if it's problems with Tae or even other more mundane things like writer's block. 

He's just there, no matter what.

'Can we meet up today?' I type out but hesitate, letting my hand hover over the mouse. 

Watching, waiting, worrying about if this would be a good idea but before making that decision myself I accidentally hit send when I try to put my hand down to rest it on my lap. 

"Shit" I say out loud but before I can figure out how to unsend the message I get a response back. 

'Sure :) Did you want to meet at the Blue Pearl? Or should I come over?'  he asks and I hold my breath, weighing the pros and cons to this whole situation and decide to just say fuck it and do what I want for once. 

'Can you come over?'  I send and close my laptop, too nervous to look at his reply. "What the fuck am I doing inviting a younger guy to my apartment when my husband is gone? What am I doing?" I say out loud and pace back and forth until I hear the chime come from my phone this time. 

'Be there soon :)'  "I'm fucked" I admit out loud before running around and quickly getting myself and the house ready.

 ~~~~~

A rhythmic pattern of knocks plays and puts my mind at ease while I walk towards the door and open it. 

"Noona!" he greets with a smile before giving me a hug that catches me off guard making me take a step back to help me stay balanced. "Thank you for coming" I say while returning his embrace and letting go a second later so I can step aside to let him in. 

"Are you okay?" he asks after having taken off his shoes and taken in my form to what I don't realize is to look for any signs of harm. "Yes I'm fine" I say with a sad smile yet know for a fact that even if I try to deny it he can read me like a book. 

"Then why were you crying?" he asks, looking at my red eyes and flushed cheeks. "I heard Tae talking to one of the girls he's cheating on me with" I mumble and at that Jungkook takes my hand and leads me over to the couch without saying a word.

"He didn't even try hard to hide it. Like he has a stupid kiss emoji next to her name and everything. He had only been here for like twenty minutes tops before he left" I spill out. He keeps a hold of my hand, looking down at it while I let out all the things I've been holding in. 

The worries, the doubts, the fear, the stress. I don't know when it started and I can't figure out how to make it stop. 

"I don't know what to do" I admit, looking down at my lap, watching as the tears fall from my eyes and onto the fabric of my jeans. 

"Do you want me to be honest and tell you what I think or do you want me to just listen?" he asks, rubbing circles on the back of my hand. "Be honest?" I pose almost as a question, knowing this is the ugly truth I've been hiding from. 

"Can you tell me more than one reason as to why you should stay with him? Besides him being your husband" he asks, sitting silently and waiting for me to respond, giving me time to think it through but when I shake my head he goes forward with posing his argument. 

"If you can't manage to come up with a reason as to why you should stay with him then what's keeping you from leaving? I know you said that you're scared and you don't know what to do but the fact that you're not doing anything is hurting you more than if you decided to leave him" he states, I just nod my head and listen, letting him say his piece.

"He's hurting you. He's hurting you physically" he says while ghosting his fingers along the bruises that run up my arm, "Mentally" he continues brushing the hair off of my face and rubbing his thumb up against my temple "And sexually" he finishes, taking note of the hickeys and the way I flinch away from him when he tries to lay his hand on my neck. 

"That's just how Taehyung is, he likes things rough" I say, making excuses for the marks that are clearly beyond rough sex. 

"But do you like it?" he questions, catching me off guard with an intimacy of the question. "He keeps me satisfied if that's what you mean" I answer curtly, hoping he'll take that as an answer. 

"That's not what I asked. Do you enjoy the way he has sex with you? Is that how you want to have sex?" he continues, not backing down from getting an answer out of me. I look up at him to see if he's seriously asking me that question and all I can see is a serious expression on his face.

"I don't mind it" I say, dancing around my answer. "Noona" he warns in a tone of voice he's never used with me, catching me off guard. 

"N-no. No I don't like it. It's too rough for me and I don't like it" I admit. He nods, casting his eyes down as if he's lost in thought before asking his next question. "Have you ever told him?" he questions and I shake my head only to realize moments later that he can't see me. "No I haven't told him" I respond quietly and he nods again before looking back up at me. 

"Why?" he asks and I'm left with one answer. "Because I'm afraid of what he might do to me if I say no" I explain. "I figure it's better to say yes and take it instead of saying no and having him force himself on me" I cover my mouth not realizing the fact that I said the thing that I was even too afraid to admit to myself.

"Has he ever forced himself on you?" he asks while clenching his jaw, clearly upset at the thought. "I didn't tell him no but I tried to make him see that I didn't want it but he didn't care to pay attention" I answer, getting rid of the filter seeing as it won't do either of us any good if I were to hold back. 

"That's one of the many reasons that you shouldn't even be with him anymore" he starts, his whole body tense, anger just bubbling under the surface. "You shouldn't have to be with someone you're scared of. I just don't kno-" 

"That's just it, you don't know. You told me that before, that I shouldn't be with someone that I'm scared of but you just don't get it. You've never been married. You've never had to deal with struggles like this. You make it sound so easy, that I could just leave and never look back but it's not that simple" I spout off, defending myself and my decisions. 

"Noona I just want to he-" "I know, I know" I say cutting him off but gaining a softer tone at the end, shrinking back into myself, ridding myself of my defensive behavior. "I'm sorry Jungkook, I shouldn't have said that. I asked you to come over and then I just yelled at you and I just..." I trail off, hating myself for doing that to him.

He tilts my head up and looks at me, studying my features and I cast my eyes down, too nervous to maintain his strong gaze. "Look at me" he says in a soft tone but I keep my eyes down, focused on my hands that I have balled into fists. 

"Look at me, please..." he whispers and at that I decide to do as he says and I see how his eyes have glossed over, the stars in them wavering. "He doesn't deserve you" he whispers cupping my face, running his thumb along my cheekbone to brush off a tear that I didn't even realize had fallen. 

"I don't know what to do" I let out in a choked sob, letting the tears that I've been holding in fall, never letting myself cry enough to feel better. He pulls me in and I latch onto him, burring my face into his shoulder as he holds onto me tighter, further showing me that I'm safe with him. 

"Whatever you need I'm here for you. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it" he says, the deep rumble of his voice brings me comfort. "I-" I start but cut myself off with another sob. "It's okay, just let it all out" he says and cling to him harder. 

After having sat there and cried with him for what felt like hours my sobs slowly die down to sniffles and my breathing patterns return to normal. "You okay?" he questions, more so asking if I had finished crying versus how I'm feeling about my current reality. I nod my head but nuzzle in closer to him, not wanting to let go just yet. 

"What's wrong?" he questions. "I don't want you to see my face" I complain into his shirt and he laughs at (from his perspective) how adorable I am. "Aw come on why not?" he chuckles and I nuzzle my face into his neck, making skin to skin contact without paying any mind to it. "My face is probably all red and my eyes are puffy from crying" I mumble against his neck. 

His body goes stiff but I don't take too much notice and move a bit closer to him, not realizing how I'm making him feel and only realize it after he clears his throat a few times. "Is something wrong?" I ask finally taking in how uncomfortable he seems. 

"No, nothing's wrong I just- no it's nothing" he says trying to backpedal out of this. "It's obviously something if you're reacting like that" I press, wanting him to be as truthful with me as I have been with him. 

"I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable" I say, pulling away from him. "No! Noona no, it's just that. Your lips were on my neck and you were really close and..." he trails off, hoping that's explanation enough. 

"I didn't even realize I was doing that, I'm sorry..." I trail off as well, hating that I made this situation even more awkward than it already is. "It's okay Noona I just, well I just want to make sure we don't cross a line and it was making it hard for me to do so" he explains.

"What do you mean by that?" I ask, wanting to know exactly what he's thinking. "It's just, well you're married and I think you know that I'm attracted to you by now so it was just making it hard for me to think straight" he admits and I nod my head and look down at my lap, not really knowing how I'm supposed to respond. 

"I hope this doesn't change things between us. I really do want to be your friend but I understand if I've made you uncomfortable. I just thought you should know" he finishes and waits with bated breath for my response. 

"Would things be different?" I question, not fully asking the question since I'm not sure if I want to know the answer. "Would things be different if what?" he presses. "Would things be different if I wasn't married?" I ask and I close my eyes, scared of seeing his reaction. 

"You can't just ask me that" he says and I look up at him to see his face turned away, showing how pink the tips of his ears have gotten and how his jaw is clenching. "Why not?" I press, needing to know based off of the kind of reaction he's giving me. 

"You don't know how hard I've been holding myself back" he says and tongues his cheek, making me widen my eyes at the motion. "Holding yourself back from what?" I press further, needing to know what's running through his mind right now. 

"From kissing you" he says, finally looking back at me, making eye contact before his eyes flicker down to my lips. "I-" "I should go" he says, cutting me off before I can say anything further. "Wait, no you don't have to go. I'm sorry" I say, trying my best to keep him here. I can't let him just run off after a confession like that but he's giving me no other option as I watch him stand up. 

"You have nothing to apologize for Noona. I shouldn't have said that. I do have to go though, my family is waiting for me back at home" he says and I widen my eyes, never having heard him talk about his family as of yet. 

"Family?" I question, my curiosity peaked. "Yeah I live with my mom and my three siblings" he says while walking over to put his shoes on. "Three?" I question and he nods his head not bothering to give me much more than that. 

"That's a topic of conversation for another time though" he says after he stands back up from tying his laces. "Oh okay" I say and hug myself, providing myself some comfort, hating to see him rushing out of here already. 

"They really are waiting for me. My mom has to work tonight so I'm stuck taking care of the kiddos" he says, giving me a soft smile before turning to open the door and I follow behind him. 

"Let me know when you get home okay?" I say, leaning up against the door frame. "I will" he says and reaches out to pull me in for a hug, accepting it right away. 

"I still want you in my life so please, don't disappear" I mumble into his chest and he hums in acknowledgment. "You can't get rid of me that easily. Not after I fought for that title of best friend" he says pulling back and looking down at me fondly and I smile back up at him before he places a hand on the side of my neck and leans down to place a kiss on my forehead.

"Bye Noona" he says, giving me a soft smile. I smile back up at him and return his sentiment before he turns to walk away.

I watch as he goes, waiting for him to get in his car where he looks back up towards my apartment, not expecting to see me waiting for him but smiles when he does. I smile back and wave and watch as he pulls out of his spot and makes his way out of the parking lot. 

"I'm really fucked" I mumble to myself and turn to walk inside my apartment. 

"He gets more and more handsome each time I see that young man" Mrs. Mitchell says, making me jolt back from the scare of being caught. 

"Mrs. Mitchell we didn't-" I start but she waves me off. "You don't need to make excuses to me love. Like I said last time, I wouldn't blame you if you did" she says and places a hand on my arm, noticing all the mixed emotions I have written all over my face. 

"Why don't we change the subject and have you sign those books we had spoken about the other day" she says, turning to walk towards the stack she had waiting by her front door like she had told me she would. 

I smile at her enthusiasm for my writing and and am thankful that she doesn't address what had happened between Jungkook and I anymore. 

"There you go" I say putting the cap on the pen and handing the last book back to her. "Thank you dear! The girls are going to love these!" she says placing the books back in their place. "Girls?" I question, chuckling at her reaction, so happy a simple thing like this could make her happy. 

"Yeah! The other women in my book club. I recommended your books to them and they've been begging me to get them a signed copy from you ever since" she says, turning back to face me. "Well I hope they enjoy them!" I reply happily, embarrassed still that woman of their age are reading it but thankful nonetheless. 

"We're all meeting together here next Sunday so maybe if you're not too busy writing you could stop by and have tea with us. I just know they would love to meet you!" she says, practically glowing with excitement. 

"I'll have to get back to you on that one but it sounds lovely" I smile, my heart swelling at the thought of meeting some of my readers. "Wonderful! But I'll let you get back to your day dear. Make sure to set aside some time to take care of yourself and relax tonight okay? You deserve it" she says placing a comforting hand on my arm before we both go our separate ways. 

As I close the door behind me I'm met with that all too familiar chime and I walk over to my desk, this time a bit more tentative than before, being nervous as to what I might find from my familiar friend jkjkjk.97

Home :) is all he sends but I decide to respond, nervous of the result if I don't, scared that he might shut me out or fade away.

Have fun with the kiddos tonight! And thank you for coming today, it really meant a lot to me  I send back, hoping to make things sound normal.

Anytime, let's see each other again soon. Okay?  he asks and I can tell he's waiting earnestly for a response. 

Okay. This time at The Blue Pearl so we can say 'Hi' to Rae. I miss her :(   I say, hoping that he won't take that as a way of me keeping him from coming over when I really do miss Rae. 

The Pearl it is! Goodnight Noona he says, ending the conversation early tonight, no doubt having a lot to do to manage three kids for the night. 

Goodnight Jungkook  I send and close my laptop, vowing to do as I had agreed upon and take the rest of the day to take care of myself. 

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[daichiduskdrop]

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚⋆·˚ ༘ *𝙎𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙡 ⋆·˚ ༘ *ੈ✩‧₊˚

Chapter 28

Pairing: BTS Ot7 X fem! reader

Genre: A/B/O AU, Fluff, Angst, Strangers to lovers,

Warnings: none!

Words: 3370

Taglist:@thelilbutifulthings @ilovemoneymorethenmen @singukieee @cherrysainttt @felicityroth @mageprincess7 @lucis-noctiana @danielle143 @osakis-gf @girl-nahh @vintageoldfashion @neverthefirstchoice @juju-227592 @silentreadersthings @i-have-no-life-charlie @everyonehatesshani @iamkookiesforyou @dragons-flare @fangirl125reader @roseidol @frieschan @popcatx0 @liz67900 @exfolitae

Previous:

⋆·˚ ༘ *ੈ✩‧₊˚˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚˚ ✩‧₊˚⋆·˚ ༘ *

You and the pack members spend some time in the meeting room for sure, with the alphas carefully discussing all of the details about the filming.

While they have gone to similar locations before, this time the filming would be held in a completely different space, which required a bit of information for sure.

The manager, Sejin, showed them all a few photos of the place, mostly overlooks of the spot where you would all (hopefully) be staying.

The photo, taken presumably via a drone, showed a beautiful, healthy-looking forest surrounding a large, modern villa.

There were many things around the area, including a very well-kept tea garden and a large wooden pier leading to water. You weren't sure if it was the ocean or a lake, but the water was a nice dark shade of blue and teal.

On another photo, taken from a different view, you could see a part of a beautiful pool, partly hidden inside a building. Was it also indoors?

There was a beautiful patio, and behind the house was a nice view—mountains ripping through the ground, forest, and trees mostly all the way around.

„We won't spoil you everything, but just know it's a similar style or even better than last time. I think you guys will like it. We also decided that you guys could include more activities this time since it's not lockdown anymore.

We have ordered you all a stay at the traditional spa, and one day we will take you there for a few hours. I'll call in later to see if it's okay to bring Y/N too...”

The older man said gently, smiling at you all. Seriously, a spa too? You didn't get to really visit a proper one ever, since it was always sort of classified as a useless expense, so you never went.

But after seeing a few visits to traditional spas online, you wanted to try yourself. Maybe you would enjoy it!

„It looks nice, hyung." Jin murmured, looking over the photo on his phone since they received it through email.

The alpha, just looking at the place for a few glances, felt satisfied. Neither of them would really complain under the given situation; this was treated partly as a vacation for them; therefore, it already had them excited as it is.

But if they would travel with you, to which all the points have been looking so far, it would mean you would have to get settled in the place well.

After all, they would leave to record in a few months, which most likely will mean you will already, hopefully, be settled with the pack, used to their scents and the packhouse.

The pack members weren't sure how well you did with travelling, especially long distance.

Sure, they were planning on taking you to their families some time soon if everything would go well, but that wouldn't mean you might do well in a completely new area.

Since they took you to Hybe this morning, you have been quite timid and unsettled; don't think they didn't notice.

Of course, it was given that it would happen, and the alphas were neither angry nor disappointed with you and understood that it also had to do with the many staff employed.

With all the new scents of people you didn't know, the giant majority of them were alphas and sometimes betas, and that was okay.

But still, would you be okay if you went with them to their homes? How about the new cities? If you would go to visit Hobi's home in Gwangju, that would be the farthest from Seoul and therefore their packhouse.

The scent would naturally be quite different, and it might be difficult for you to adjust in the short time frame. They were hoping to spend a night with their families too; would that go okay?

The eldest alpha knew that any of them would pack right back up and be on their way to the train station if they noticed you were not adjusting well.

Maybe one of the family members wouldn't be nice to you, though Jin hoped that wouldn't happen. Maybe you would just have a bad day overall; the train ride was not smooth and too long for you to sleep through, and you just wouldn't be happy at all.

Or maybe you would miss them too much, the sudden separation too quick and harsh on your small, gentle, and sweet little heart.

You could start crying and just fully drop on them if that would happen, and the alpha was so sure if that would truly happen, though he prayed for it not, they would all gather as quickly as possible.

The alpha felt his thoughts run quickly, thinking about all the possible issues and problems that might occur.

Of course they would take you with them. You seemed to be so excited that it made him want to give anything to you to make you happy again, but still, naturally, he felt some worry.

„Yeah, it's nice. Would you like to go to the spa too, princess?” Gently running his fingers through your hair, Jimin softly smiled at you, his eyes gentle.

Nodding a little bit, you shrugged your shoulders. There was a possibility you wouldn't be able to go at all after all, so what was the point in getting too excited?

„Alphas will take you then, little kitty.” Yoongi whispered to you, pecking the top of your head as a gentle gesture. Rubbing his thumb over your knuckles, the alpha smiled softly at you.

It didn't take much longer for them all to go through the tremendous amount of details—they had to discuss how many hours of footage would be filmed every day, if there would be cameras installed, then where, and go over the staff and security members included in.

The camera team would stay in a smaller cabin, close but still far enough to be out of range to really see, where they would go over the recorded footage and help with any issues if needed.

After Sejin told them about the den room, they could get prepared for them if they wished for it to be in the location too. After having you whisper out a soft 'yes, please', the alphas were quick to get a little worried about any cameras in the area.

The packmembers could imagine you being shy and quiet in front of the cameras, and while they would try their very best to keep you calm and not too worried in front of the seemingly very intimidating devices, you might have a hard time adjusting in such a short while.

It would be only about 14 days after all, and even when they hoped you wouldn't just feel too timid in front of the camera team, they had already started thinking about the possibility you would be.

In such a case, a space for you to just bundle up and rest for a while without any worries or stress for you to endure would be key. They had to have that possibility for you; it was very important.

And therefore, after a short discussion about only the very minimal footage that would be taken in the den, and only if you all agreed and there would be permission to film, Sejin agreed, quickly writing himself a note to make sure to remember.

The packmembers didn't want you to get worried over the fact that your nest—something so visibly and obviously vulnerable to make and keep for omegas—would be shown to, frankly, to millions of strangers.

Soon, the documents have been signed after minor adjustments were made. Taking your hand in his, Jimin gently pulled you from the table, leading you to the doors after discussing a few things with Sejin and the other manager too.

„Come on, my princess, do you want to go home already? Or do you want to stay here for a little while longer?” The alpha asked you softly, both of his hands placed near your temples as he watched you fondly.

„Can w-we go home, please?” You whispered softly. You didn't really like the building too much. You were getting used to it now that you have been here for a longer time, but still, the many, unknown people passing by and giving you odd glances got to you a little.

Pecking your forehead gently, Jimin pulled you to himself for a few moments. „I'm sorry, my sweet precious baby, but alphas will have to stay in for a little while longer. I have to go to a dance practice, princess, but Taehyungie can take you home. How about that?”

Gently telling you, the older man watched how a small, obviously dissatisfied frown settled on your face. Giggling to himself, the alpha pecked the small scrunch formed between your eyebrows, smiling widely.

„O-okay, oppa...” You whispered, hoping to go home with all of them, but it was okay. They would get home eventually. When did you start calling the packhouse your home anyway?

Hugging you close to himself, Jimin let his soft scent linger on you. He was gentle and caring as he said his sweet goodbyes.

The other packmembers soon also left, a mingle of: „Stay close to Hyung Little Bunbun; Alpha will see you soon.; „Be a good little kitten for alpha."; „We will be home soon, Sunny-Bub, don't worry!” ringing through the hallway as Taehyung took your palm in his, leading you over to the entrance.

After you both got over to the lobby, with the alpha already calling one of their personal drivers, the man gently hugged you, sighing softly, his chin tucking your head under his face.

You were left in a small surprise, shocked at the blatant display of affection, even though you were both standing quite close to the reception desk.

Though the calm beta sitting behind the computer didn't pay either of you much mind, the gentle clicking noise of the keyboard was soft to your ears.

„What would you like to do, baby? It's only the afternoon still, sweetheart. We can go somewhere if you want." Taehyung asked you softly, smiling from ear to ear at how close you were to his scent gland.

Gently running his fingers through the very tips of your hair, the alpha kept his voice gentle, even though the naturally deep rumble was quite far from it.

„Okay, oppa,” you answered softly, breathing in his heavy scent. Happy that you agreed, the alpha's phone softly dinged, notifying you both that the driver was in front of the building.

Adjusting your coat for you, he found a mask in his pocket, helping you put yours on, smiling sweetly at you, and giggling softly. „You're adorable, my baby." He whispered gently, kissing your forehead in a quick peck.

Hiding most of his face himself, Taehyung adjusted his coat, taking your hand in his as he led you through the doors outside, the suddenly much colder air hitting you both like a tidal wave.

There was a black car right in front of the building, its engine running. Opening the back doors for you, the alpha gently helped you slide behind the passenger seat, bending over to adjust the seatbelt around you.

Smiling so widely you could see it in the alpha's eyes, he closed the doors gently, making sure the sound wouldn't be too harsh.

Sliding into the passenger seat next to the driver, the alpha buckled up himself, turning to you and checking if everything was okay. You were looking out of the car; the windows tinted for privacy.

Telling the driver to just take him to their packhouse for now, Tae looked through the available music and radio stations, though there wasn't really anything.

Sighing softly, the alpha hoped he could make the drive pleasant for you, but hopefully you would be okay. He prayed.

Their drivers, and mostly all of their security guards too, had to wear scent blockers so their scents wouldn't accidentally stick to the alpha's clothes.

They wouldn't necessarily mind, but it could be unsettling and agitating, and now that you were with them, it was even more important.

They could imagine you not liking the scent of another alpha on them or yourself, and so it was a good precaution to take.

The driver was quiet, not really striking up a conversation, only making sure to drive extra safely after Taehyung told him he needed to be careful with you in the car with them.

The vehicle stopped in front of the house, the engine turned on as the alpha climbed out of his seat, opening the doors for you before he helped you undo the seatbelt, seeing your fingers struggling.

„It's okay, babycheeks; Alpha will do it, sweet baby.” He whispered gently, his arms then wrapping around your waist, pulling you up to his chest.

He didn't let you stand on your own; the freshly fallen snow and the ice hidden underneath were worrying him on the inside too much to let that happen.

And so, the alpha gently pulled you closer to his body, helping you wrap your legs around his waist. Holding you close to himself, he softly chuckled at how close your face was to his scent gland. The slight tickle made him feel sweet.

Waving the driver off, the car soon backed out of the driveway. Taehyung took you to the packhouse entrance, putting in the long passcode and then using his key to unlock the door.

Switching on the lights, he sat you down on the floor carefully, shutting the doors behind you. „Come on, babycheeks, let's go rest for a little while.” He whispered gently, helping you untie the cute, fluffy boots they chose for you.

Setting them aside, the alpha hung your coat up before he quickly got rid of his own and his boots too. Seeing you waiting for him, a soft yawn escaped your lips had him smiling once again.

„Are you sleepy, baby? Aigoo... cute... Come on, let's go, babycheeks..." He said gently, picking you up once again, not letting you even have a chance to go on your own.

Taehyung walked you both over to the couch, too lazy to go upstairs to his room. Settling you on the sofa, he crawled next to you, laying behind you.

Pulling you close to his chest, the man gently let his chin and cheeks rub against your hair, his scent fully covering yours. You smiled a little, basking in the affection with your eyes closed.

He scented you for a few seconds, his lips occasionally meeting your cheek and forehead, but after he noticed you getting more and more sleepy and tired, he slowed down and rested himself.

Turning on the TV, he gave you the remote, letting you choose whichever movie or series you wanted to see.

Covering you both with a soft blanket, Taehyung let you rest against him, slight rumbles coming from his chest in content.

„Narnia? What a great choice, my sweet babycheeks! I haven't seen that in a long while...” The alpha whispered, pecking your temple as you rested your eyes. The noise turned on just quietly.

You found comfort in the movie, but since you were used to watching it in Japanese as your brother was obsessed with it when you were young, you never heard the Korean dubbing.

It sounded quite weird to you, but after you realised the dialogues really just stayed the same, you settled well, Taehyung's hands gently caressing your sides and arms, sweet and gentle.

You soon fell asleep—a nap that you didn't even know you needed comforting. When the alpha noticed you were in dreamland, he smiled widely, so happy you let him rest with you.

Having you close to himself while sleeping, he felt his deepest needs and wishes he didn't realise he even felt—until now—fullfill.

There was something so deeply satisfying for him, and honestly, for all of them, in having you let your vulnerable side fully out in front of them, leaving them to protect you and take care of everything while you napped.

There couldn't be much of a better feeling than this, the alpha realised, pulling you even closer.

Well, maybe if it were in the den. They seriously needed to get the room started, considering how much both they and you seemed to start to need it.

He could already imagine it so well—all of you falling asleep together in a soft, cuddled-up, warm mess, invited into your nest if you would let them.

They might not need the blankets to cover themselves with; after all, even though it was very cold this December, most of them slept with a summer duvet that was thin and not too heavy.

On the other hand, you had been carefully tucked away into many thick duvets, blankets, and pillows, the alphas making sure you wouldn't wake up from coldness.

Sometimes, when Namjoon would take them out on a camping trip, they would bring hammocks to sleep in.

In theory, they sounded quite comfortable and nice to lay around in; they were a lot less heavy too, so their backpacks wouldn't be that big and bulky.

But when it got to the aftermath of the sleep, most of them would have issues falling asleep in the night.

Sure, Yoongi or Jungkook did drop out within a few minutes; they are just naturally tired, and both could sleep anywhere. But he or Jin sometimes struggled with going to sleep.

And on that one trip, the one that they had this may, the nights were so unreasonably cold that it reminded him of late autumn weather.

During the day, it was more than fine; the occasional breeze was nice to feel as they would get too hot and sweaty otherwise throughout the hike, but as it got into the night, it wasn't that pretty.

They had sleeping bags and even brought the heavier ones, but still, not being able to sleep because of the cold wasn't that nice.

The packmembers wanted to take you camping; they might do it early this spring when it would get nicer out and would be possible, but a hammock was out of options for Taehyung.

The alpha didn't want you to grow cold during the night like he did. He wanted you to sleep comfortable, warm, and with no reason to worry; after all, they would take care of everything now.

He didn't want you to fall asleep because of pure exhaustion, like they would sometimes do in their earlier, more stressful years.

Tae knew that Namjoon would very happily plan a two-day trip for all of you, and while Yoongi would usually grumble and say how it's unreasonable and they could just stay home, the young alpha also knew that if you would look forward to it, which he could imagine you doing, Yoongi would not say a word.

The packmembers would bring a tent then, most likely, maybe two or three, so they wouldn't have to worry about the large space the giant one would take up.

Well, maybe you would like to sleep as a pack, and then they would carry it. But it was okay; that was only a small issue to worry about.

Taehyung knew he would keep you well warmed up during the night. It would be most convenient for all of you to bring sleeping bags, and so you wouldn't be able to truly cuddle during the night like you all might want to do.

But the alpha knew that if you would wake up during the night, the air too chilly and cold for you to rest properly, shivering with your lips blue, he wouldn't hesitate to zip you up into his own sleeping bag.

Just the thought of you being cold and uncomfortable had him hold you closer, his hands gently caressing your sides in gentle circles.

„My babycheeks, it's all good now...Alpha is here."

He whispered gently, more to calm himself, as his imagination felt too real for a moment there, the need to comfort you too strong.

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Next:

[riderofblackdragons]

The Red Means I'm A Fool

Day 28: Denial | CCTV | exposure | "they caught me red-handed"

Ok so I haven't posted anything in a few days, which is my bad. I haven't managed to write the other days, but I did manage to do this one, and I figured it'd be better if I just posted this one I've written instead of trying to wait until I've written the days I've missed.

Hope you enjoy!

The blood tripped from his hands, pooling onto the rugs on the floor. It covered his hands, staining them that deep awful red. It felt like he should be concerned about, but he didn’t feel anything. It was as though he was just floating along through space, with nothing to bother him.

Distantly, Fox heard voices. Their meeting must be over, then, and the next one coming in. How long had he stood there, blood on his hands, his mind a thousand years from where his body stood? The chancellor liked to have at least a half hour between their meetings and any others, even if it was just so he could ensure no one caught Fox limping back to his office.

It’d be such a fuss if the wrong person caught him, after all. And when even the senators under Palpatine’s thumb would use it against him in some way, every Senator was the wrong person. Even though Fox was just a clone.

People were getting closer, he distantly registered. He still hadn’t moved. Fox didn’t know why the chancellor was dead, what had been his breaking point, but he knew that it didn’t matter. He was a clone, and clones were to be used and thrown away.

He’d killed the chancellor, and if he didn’t move, he was going to be heading to his own death shortly afterwards.

He couldn’t bring himself to move, though. Fox’s hands wouldn’t even shake, nor would his legs even attempt to move from where he was standing. Kneeling. He couldn’t tell the difference, really. His limbs just wouldn’t move.

If he was lucky, he was just going to be decomissioned. Fox would still be dead, but at least his body wouldn’t still be walking around. He’d prefer to be decomissioned, instead of having his mind and personality taken from him, replaced by some meatdroid who wouldn’t even know his own name.

Fox was the head of the Coruscant Guard. They got the brunt of the reconditioned clones. He knew what they were like, especially compared to the reports of what they were like before it. He didn’t want the same for him, nor to put his men through the pain of seeing him like that.

Living, by itself, wasn’t on the table, though. Fox was here, the evidence of the crime still drying on his fingers, and the victim dead on the floor before him. And it didn’t look like he was going to be moving on his own power any time soon.

Especially not when his mind was fifty miles away, and he could hear the Red Guard outside arguing with someone about letting them in. He wondered if they thought something was wrong. The chancellor didn’t usually take this long to punish him, after all.

Later, Fox would realise the one thing he hadn’t taken into consideration: the Jedi. The Jedi had found him, mind far from home, standing over the chancellor, covered in evidence, and put him in their special jail. Left him there, whilst their healers and leaders tried to figure out what had gone wrong with him.

But they didn’t kill. The Jedi, as Fox had quickly learned, genuinely thought that both decommissionings and reconditionings were things of the past, as did their allies in the Senate. So they kept Fox locked away, instead, and claimed it was more humane.

It didn’t feel humane. Fox felt like he was back on Kamino, back to poking and prodding and waiting to see how he’d screwed up this time. Except that this time he knew what he’d done: he’d killed the chancellor, and they just wanted to know why.

Just the one thing that he didn’t know how to answer. It would be funny, Fox thought, if it wasn’t so annoying. The Jedi were asking all the wrong questions, the ones Fox didn’t quite know the answer too, but refused to ask him any of the right ones.

Fox wished that just once, they’d be able to ask him the right ones. But as he felt himself being pushed under, for the Jedi to have a look in his head, and try to remove any potential mind control in there, he knew they wouldn’t.

Besides, they’d explained what would happen to him if ther wasn’t any mind control in there. Fox didn’t know how to feel, really, about the Jedi having their own form of reconditioning.

He didn't think he liked it, though.

Tag List: @captain-effy @what-the-fuckis-happening @robininthelabyrinth

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[xmimi89er]

I MADE IT! It had been two days or so since the news, but I made it!

Goodness, I only had 42, if not less, time left and there was absolutely nothing. It was impossible to fix it, especially on a ridiculous amount of time. So, I prayed for a miracle. I asked for one because only a miracle could fix this—there was no way to get around it or over it and it just did not seem possible at all. AT ALL. But then, the miracle came!

A whole seven years worth of stress trying to get things together and fixed, it was done for in the matter of a press of a button. Or so I thought, for a little bit. You know when anger blinds you? Happiness did me, and I didn’t read what was sent to me that well that I forgot the last step in the whole thing.

And when did we realize that? Less than 16 hours (counting the night too) before I would have to sign up my leave.

And even crazier? I only had half an hour to get to the nearest machine before it closes to get my fingerprint done so I could get a digital ID. We reached the place and there was only a 20 minutes left. Logically, I could try to (maybe) wait until tomorrow very early in the morning, but it didn’t feel like it. It felt like I was on a very short period of time, and I had to hurry.

So many things stopped us on our way, funnily enough, but we made it.

I managed to sign myself up before the system closes by an only six minutes to spare.

Regardless of all of that, and how mind-blowing things could be and how I felt like I was going to burst a vein in me, we made it. We stopped the people that are fucking cruel.

This isn’t over, and I supposedly, as they worded it, “ran away from home” despite the fact I am no minor (and will be coming back). Not to mention what those people would do when they realize I have stopped them. They might just have a stroke and die—they will get angry, and while they cannot hurt me, it will still be a struggle to live with such an environment until I get a job. But that doesn’t matter, not that much.

What matters is that the impossible-to-fix, the threat over my head, is over. I will still have to endure things, but the worst is over, and that fills me to continue even more than before.

Look how the tables have turned. Funnily enough, I have fought with them the night before, and they swore that I will never get my way because, supposedly, I am the cruel one here. But no. Consequences exist. You don’t have to believe in heaven and hell and all of that, but the fact that the world spins is real, and every action has consequences. I will happily watch them fall apart piece by piece and, while I would heavily prefer being somewhere else, I will wait.

I remember writing the chapter “(Please!) A Miracle” from My Baby and thinking that, oh Sunny, I am asking for one too. Hehe.

A seven years problem is solved. Things may backfire and things normally change and never stay the same, but it is over. It stops now at 28 October, and hopefully it will be completed over soon after that.

Thank you to everyone who stayed around to check on me. To those online and in real life. It literally feels like nearing the end of a drama series, and ya all were the viewers. Good to have come to an end and to announce it. It would still take a bit before it gets all better, but it is nearing its death. I have won the key and no one can take it, now all I have to do is unlock the chains. Ain’t that cliché? But I am a writer I CANNOT HELP IT HEHE.

Anyway. Thank you so much, and I will keep updating this series of a life of mine! Take care >:D

[umichenginabroad]

Stockholm Week 7: Travel Week 1

Hej igen! 

I had a bipolar week: the beginning of the week was full of presentations but the end of the week was full of laughter :) 

Let’s begin! 

2/28 Wed

It has been a while since I had two study trips in a day. I learned about the New Slussen Project, which is the reason for all the construction around Slussen. The planning behind the project was astoundingly complex and comprehensive, considering all social, environmental, and economic factors. 

Model of the new Slussen project design

The next study trip was a real guided tour based on the Swedish crime fiction novel, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. We walked around Monteliusvägen to Michael Blomkist’s apartment, the cafe where the movie was filmed, and viewpoints that showed the city at a glance. 

A picture of a gallery I peeked into before the field trip

The view was gorgeous. It's not too far from my apartment too!

When the tours were over, I stopped at the Coffee House and yapped with my friend for a bit before going home.

2/29 Thu 

Today was the big D-day: a 10-minute presentation on the case study done in my core course. I booked a room in DIS to practice until class. I ate my packed lunch and finished up my last touches. 

My messy hair ;-; The sun was out and I needed a break

Turns out the presentation was informal but I guess that was for the better. 

At home, I couldn’t rest as I had to prepare for my other presentation for Swedish and read half of a book for Crime Fiction class tomorrow. I made the mistake of reading in my bed and fell asleep eventually. 

3/1 Fri 

My team successfully finished the presentation and ate the pepparkakor that our teacher prepared for us. It is a thinner version of ginger cookies with a taste of Sweden. 

As a little treat after school, I ordered TooGoodToGo at an island I’ve never been to. It was such a smoggy and windy day (especially because the bridge I had to pass was near a huge lake) but I managed to arrive at the bakery in one piece. 

The bakery had so many cute chocolate pieces < 3

I caught up on my sleep for the rest of the day. 4 hours of nap before sleeping for real at night ;) 

3/2 Sat 

Finally, travel week 1 break began! My family came to visit Stockholm while I was here. We had no specific plans in mind, so we spontaneously decided on places to go. We left Airbnb at 5:30 pm when the sun was all set (...) but we still had a good time walking around T-Centralen and Gamla Stan. 

It was nice seeing my family again < 3

3/3 Sun 

We had a slow morning but made it out of our house by 1 pm. 

Our first stop was Gamla Stan since we could not see anything in the dark yesterday. I took them to the main photo spots first. 

Happy happy happy '◡ '

If you remember this place from my prior posts, you're a real one < 3

My dad then led the way to Stockholm’s narrowest street, Mårten Trotzigs gränd. It is only 90 cm (~35 in) wide. 

I took some great snapshots for my brother 

From far away, we saw a commuter ferry departing and abruptly decided to take it. We ran and ran and ran to make it in the departure time. We found out where we were headed once the ferry steered toward the temporarily closed amusement park on Djurgården Island. I felt like I hadn’t been on impromptu journeys for ages, so this kind of random traveling brought me so much joy! The island was bigger than we thought, and it was then that my dad discovered something from the map. The island we were on was the island with the Vasa museum! On the subway to Gamla Stan earlier on, we had made a plan to go to visit the Vasa museum later today. Without a clue, the ferry took us to the right place at the right time. We were so amazed and couldn’t stop talking about it for a good hour (and now I’m writing it on my blog post). 

Since we were there already, we went to the Vasa museum. It is a popular museum with a restored ship that sank back in the 1600s and recovered after 333 years, in the 1900s. I was impressed by the grand size of the ship and the salvage operation.

I still can't believe this magnificent yet delicate ship sunk 10 minutes after its departure

We took a thorough scan of the six floors and finally left when we were satisfied. A beautiful sunset was awaiting us outside. 

Swan couple < 3

This time, we took a tram to go back to Gamla Stan for fika. Fika and Wine was our first destination. We ordered Swedish meatballs and shrimp salad as our main dishes, as well as delicious desserts with coffee. 

Can’t describe the deliciousness in words < 3

For the rest of the evening, we enjoyed Gamla Stan with street lights on, going into souvenir shops one after another like real tourists. 

I loved the owls in this store but my wallet said no to all of them :(

The past few days have been relaxing, and I can’t wait to spend more time with my family :)  They are wonderful photographers (as you can see from the pictures in this post) so I'll have tons of more photos to share in the following days. Good pictures always brighten my day <3

I will let you know all about the rest of my break next week! 

Tack, 

Jiwoo Kim 

Chemical Engineering

DIS Study Abroad in Stockholm, Sweden

[saints-who-never-existed]

Rereading The Terror

Chapter Thirty-Four: Crozier

Hauling the last of the sledges to land is even more arduous in the book than it is in the show. The most they can manage is nine miles a day and often a lot lot less than that depending on weather conditions. Le Vesconte tried to lead a previous party into a storm and - god love him - made less than a mile in 12 hours. I have helpfully written 'FAIL SON' next to this titbit.

Crozier ruminates again on his options as he's hauling, concluding that Bridgens was absolutely right in the end (YASS! VINDICATION!). Crozier would have much much preferred to put everything into hauling ass to Fury Beach. It would still be a difficult decision - a safer route but a longer one at 1,200 (!) miles - but the Rosses already showed all those years before that it was possible...just...

Crozier also reasons that they'd be much more likely to run into Netsilik peoples in that direction who would support them or at the very least teach them to hunt better. Lady Silence has not yet chosen to help them in that regard - charmingly, Crozier apparently contemplated threatening her with a gun or knife to get her to comply. Ugh.

Then he gets to thinking about the light weight and design of Netsilik sleds and reminisces about the contests held to encourage the men as they learned how best to haul. On the cash prizes offered at such contests: "They were competing for cash - silver and gold - and even though Sir John had planned to buy many souvenirs in Alaska, Russia, the Orient, and the Sandwich Isles and there were chests of shillings and guineas in the dead man's private storeroom, these coins came out of Francis Crozier's pocket."

Interestingly, they actually did outfit a mission to see just how possible a mad dash to Fury Beach would be. "It was an eleven-man sledge, headed by Erebus second mate Charles Frederick Des Voeux, its lead puller the giant Manson. Each of the other nine men were asked to volunteer. Each man did." (Sidenote: is it still volunteering if you're asked to do it?)

The mission does not go well. They're gone three weeks, only managing 28 miles as the crow flies and nearly getting lost on the way back despite Des Voeux being described as the finest navigator on the Expedition ("You deserve a prize for your orienteering, Mr Des Voeux!" anyone?)

What's worse, Erebus is crushed and sunk by the time they return. The Erebites, including Des Voeux, weep as they're led past what's left of it sticking up out of the ice. The ships are home and now they can never go home again...

Back in the present, they pass by a spooky and perfectly-circular hole in the ice that was never there before. As usual, Blanky is a legend about it: ""We could take our dinner here," said Thomas Blanky. "Enjoy our victuals by the seaside, as it were." Jokes aside, they all recognise it for what it is - a sign that Tuunbaq is following them and rapidly closing the gap...!

[timeoverload]

I didn't want to do anything over the weekend because I was tired. I'm sorry for not posting as much but I just wasn't in the mood to scroll through tumblr or spend hours writing. Honestly I just wanted to play video games because I don't get time to do stuff like that during the week usually. I wanted to continue watching the show I started last Sunday but I didn't end up doing that. I talked to my grandma on the phone for a while yesterday but that almost always makes me depressed because she is so unhappy and I wish I could do more for her. I wish I had the energy to clean but I felt like death but that's nothing new. I don't know if my room will ever be clean again at this rate. I have a hard time living my life mostly in one room. I'm starting to think I need a storage unit for all the shit I'm not using. I really miss having my own walk in closet. Eventually I will get my shit together.

I'm not a fan of Mondays and it was a long day as usual. I was supposed to only have 28 cases but then I had 3 add-ons throughout the day. I had 3 rooms going for a while so that wasn't super fun.

I was trying so hard to be in a good mood. Apparently I wasn't trying hard enough because I had multiple people ask why I was in a bad mood. That just made it worse.

The morning team lead asked me that shortly after he spent like 10 minutes giving me a lecture about training the lady that works at night. He was lecturing me while I was still setting up for the day and he can't keep it short whenever he has a conversation with anyone. I had a lot to do and I was scrambling before he even started to talk to me. He was trying to tell me I needed to come in later on Wednesday and Thursday so I could train but I know that's not going to be necessary because it's not going to take me very long to show her what I need her to do. That's not his decision to make and it will also make it more stressful for me in the morning. He has to repeat himself and talk to me like I don't know how to train people. I had to take a class to do that and I'm still a preceptor even though I don't do it that often anymore because I don't have a ton of patience left for that but it's justified. Unfortunately I had some very bad trainees in the past but that's a long story. I suppose there have been a lot of good ones too so I can't complain too much. Anyway, he and I have been getting along better recently but he still drives me crazy sometimes. I think he scared the 2 new people away with his antics. He loves to talk about how he is against everything being "politically correct". Whenever I hear people say that, it makes me think that they think it should be ok to be a disrespectful asshole without facing any consequences. It pisses me off and I have to bite my tongue a lot.

I was annoyed at lunch because I just wanted to eat and have 30 minutes by myself but that didn't happen. I wanted to sit and eat in the cafeteria because it's a lot easier than trying to eat in the locker room. It was great until that creepy guy showed up and sat down across from me. His shift didn't even start until noon so I don't understand why he showed up so early. He left me alone for a while but he has been trying to talk to me more again and flirt with me in an indirect way so he doesn't get in trouble. He can't seem to take a hint. He also bought me and a couple other single girls chocolate for valentines day. It was weird and of course he didn't get enough for everyone else. Unfortunately he still works up in my department sometimes even though he was supposed to start working in the basement full time in January. I made it a point to let management know that he makes me uncomfortable but nothing has changed. They aren't going to do anything about it unless he does something really bad I guess. I know he has a bad temper and I'm afraid he is going to snap sometime. It makes me uneasy and I need to try harder to stay away from him. I guess I have to start eating lunch in the locker room or in the stairwell again.

I didn't get to leave until 6:30 because I had to wait for the last 2 cases to get done and I had to train. I have a pile of stuff on my station that I'm going to have to sterilize in the morning because I didn't have time to do that. I'm not looking forward to that but I need to stop thinking about work now.

I didn't realize that my next appointment is on a Wednesday again. I'm lucky that I actually have enough PTO this time so I requested the 20th and the 21st off. Hopefully that will get approved.

I was looking forward to sleeping in a little bit Friday morning but that's not going to happen because I have a dentist appointment. I forgot about it. I don't know why I always make such early appointments but I guess it's nice to get it out of the way so I don't worry about it the whole day.

I don't want to do anything right now. It's hard to move. I have to get up and feed the cats soon. I don't think I want to eat dinner tonight because I had too much for lunch and it made me feel gross. I feel like I gained weight over the weekend but I was stress eating so that makes sense. I also didn't go grocery shopping so I don't have much food left. I need to try to relax now and hopefully I can fall asleep at a decent time.

Thanks to everyone that tried to cheer me up today. I hope you all have a great day tomorrow!!! :) 💖💖💖

[honmyoseagull]

WHUMPTOBER 2023 MASTERLIST

DARK REIGN BULLSNIKT: HISTORY OF A RELATIONSHIP FROM BEGINNING TO END. (INDIVIDUAL LINKS TO AO3 IN THE TITLES)

PART 1, prompts 1 to 8

SHOCK VALUE

The courtship started in an explosive way. Then comes the first date. Obviously, this is Daken and Bullseye, so don't expect rainbow and roses. More like torture and constant denial. And maybe the tiniest bit of longing.

No. 1: Safety Net | Swooning | “How many fingers am I holding up?”

No. 2: “I’ll call out your name, but you won’t call back.” Thermometer | Delirium | “They don't care about you.”

No. 3: “Like crying out in empty rooms; with no-one there except the moon.” “Make it stop.”

No. 4: “I see the danger, It’s written there in your eyes.” Shock | “You in there?”

No. 5: “You better pray I don't get up this time around.” Debris | Pinned Down | “It's broken.”

No. 6: “Do or die, you’ll never make me; Because the world will never take my heart.” Made to Watch | “It should have been me.”

No. 7: " “I paced around for hours on empty; I jumped at the slightest of sounds.” Radio Silence |

No. 8: “I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.” Overcrowded ER | Outnumbered

PART 2, prompts 9 to 16

NOTHING PERSONAL

Fighting together (or against each other) is easy. Fucking, they learn to manage. Kinda. Since this is Daken and Bullseye we're talking about, they're rubbish at dealing with their feelings, though. And the more they run from them, the more it hurts. Literally. Also, it wasn't what they had planned with their day, this 'Meet the Family' thing.

No. 9: “Learning everything ain't what it seems, that's the thing about these days.” Polaroid | Mistaken Identity | “You're a liar.”

No. 10: “Can’t you see that you’re lost without me?” Broken Phone | Stranded | “You said you'd never leave.”

No. 11: Animal trap | Captivity | “No one will find you.”

No. 12: “I haven't slept in days but who's counting?” Red | Insomnia | “I’m up, I’m up.”

No. 13: Cold Compress | Infection | “I don’t feel so good.”

No. 14: “Feed me poison, fill me ‘till I drown.” Water Inhalation | “Just hold on.”

No. 15: Makeshift Bandages | Suppressed Suffering | “I’m fine.”

No. 16: “Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Gurney | Flatline

PART 3, prompts 17 to 24

FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE

A learning curve. Dealing with blasts of the past. Blasting the past. Again. Learning to be two. They are who they are, they work (mostly) and they rock. (Even if the ground they tango on is rocky.) Now, if ghosts could stop crawling out of the woodwork, that would be nice.

No. 17: “You’re the lump in my throat and the knot in my chest.” Touch Aversion | “Leave me alone.”

No. 18: “Hit them harder.”

No. 19: Floral Bouquet (of tea (a)) | Psychological | “I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”

No. 20: Blanket | Found Family | “You will regret touching them.”

No. 21: “See the chains around my feet.” Restraints

No. 22: “They never saw us coming, ‘til they hit the floor.” Glass Shard | Vehicular Accident | “Watch out!”

No. 23: “It’s gonna get me by the end of the night.” Shadows | Stalking | “Who’s there?”

No. 24: “I’ve got a head full of chemicals; mouth full of ridicule.” Goodbye Note | Neglect | “I thought they were with you.”

PART 4, prompts 25 to 31

BREAKING EVEN

They need each other more than ever. Are ready to give and take more than ever. And yet, they still crack at the seams.

No. 25: “You’re not delivering a perfect body to the grave.” Storm | Buried Alive | “They’re not breathing!”

No. 26: “Sometimes I get so tired; I don’t even know myself.” Seeing Double | Working To Exhaustion | “You look awful.”

No. 27: Matches | Scars | “Let me see”

No. 28: “We might not make it to the morning; so go on and tell me now.” Bloody Knife | Sacrifice | “You'll have to go through me.”

No. 29: “I only sink deeper the deeper I think.” Scented Candle | “What happened to me?”

No. 30: “It’s okay, just to say, ‘I’m not okay’.” Borrowed Clothing | Bridal Carry |

No. 31: “I thought that I was getting better.” Emptiness | “Take it easy.”

(Fifth fic about Mourning the relationship based on the alternate prompts will be done when it will be done ^^;; Gimme a break. No, not bones.)

[loser-female]

How do I get into cybersecurity? It looks fascinating but I don’t even know where to begin (for context, I am 28, have a BA in a completely unrelated specialization, and live in the US) 💛

Hi! I wasn't ignoring you, I just had shit days at work. Keep in mind that I work in EU and the labour market is different. I've heard a lot of lay-offs in the last few months but I have no idea if this involved cybersecurity positions or not. Also I'm a SOC Analyst specialising in Threat Intelligence. There are a lot of more positions to look out for, like if you are a lawyer you could go on the cyberlaw, privacy or auditing route.

Languages skills are appreciated a lot of you work in Threat Intelligence (I speak 4, currently learning Mandarin and my country sign language), coding skills are useful too.

Now, the usual path is:

1. Degree in computer science or software engineering (or math or physics, I did two years at physics)

2. You take a specialising course of some sort.

Some universities offers cybersecurity degrees I think (in my country it's a master's for example), and sometimes they might prepare you for CompTIA certs too. If you are lucky sometimes companies hire interns for like 6 months and they too make them study. My company did this... For the last interns. I had to be start my shifts after a month of learning lol. Idk if my manager threw a dice to choose between me and the other guy or if he noticed my ability.

I didn't follow that path, for various reason. I did a bootcamp and I took my certifications. But:

1. I've volunteered in a similar field for years and years (information research, debunking);

2. I speak 4 languages;

3. I did two years of physics before my health declined.

I do not recommend that part, because while I'm stupid good at my job, frankly my previous experience as volunteering did much more than any bootcamp.

Two points I feel I need make:

1. Certs. There are like an hundred or more, and it's a mess to figure it out. Plus it all depends what kind of role you want. Good news: most likely the company that will hire you will provide you access to few courses and the possibility to gain some of them, but IMHO taking a Sec+ or a Net+ is not a bad idea before looking for a job. While EC-Council is what HR looks at... Frankly let your company pay for it. Sec+ is like 350$ while a Ceh is 900$.

2. Downsides of my job - these are not talked enough imho.

-I work insane hours, I have two weekends free every two months because I work in shifts. I get paid more in my country (like I have a base hour rate and I get paid from 25% to 75% more of that rate if I like work on Christmas or a Sunday, nights get paid more obviously)

-I spend a significant amount of time studying and looking at news sites, social media to catch "the last news".

-Male environment. When I go to a conference I'm one of the like 20 women out of 1000, of which like 5 have a technical role like I do. It does make it feel like you are a freak even if no one is mean to you. I work from home, and I have only a female colleague - when I go to the office I'm the only woman out of 20 men. I love my colleagues and my manager, mind you, but if you are not in a good environment it's going to be a mess.

- Every company has a different set of tools, standards, programs etc that they use, and of you want to change job it can be hard to adapt.

-A SOC is a fast-paced environment and can be very stressful by nature, because it's a 24/7 service, and in certain parts of the day you can be inundated with alerts and issues to solve. And sometimes you have empty hours because nothing happens and it's boring.

- it's very important also to have soft skills because (like I did it today) you will be in charge of explaining what's going on to clients in a way that a 5 yo will understand, you will be in charge of projects, need to set enough time to study...

- You will meet people 1000x better than you are - and if you don't have the right mentality it's hard to deal with them, because you (well at least I do lol) will feel like an idiot and no one likes feeling like an idiot.

-Long hiring process. It took me a month from the first interview to be confirmed and two months to actually start - and this could really be a problem.

-Networking and connecting with others while it didn't land me a job definitely improved my skills, my credibility in the environment and who knows what else will happen in the future. Take what you can from others, most will be happy to share and help.

BUT!

Before committing you can try it with popular games such as Tryhackme or Hack The Box. They have learning environments where you can "play" and learn some basics. A real SOC or pen-test is like doing 10 of these challenges together but I had a lot of fun.

I hope this is enough! I tried to explain everything that someone considering a career in cybersecurity. Again, consider that I'm in Europe so this info might not be 100% accurate in the US.

[mvgnvsvntimvjoris]

All the cool "weirder" asks, which is maybe all of them? I dunno, I trust your judgment on which ones are the cool ones

I am SO SORRY, I read the ask, told myself to answer later the same days and managed to forget for ages ! But here it is, at last !!!

Weird asks, the cool ones ? You trust me too much with cool, I don't know how to identify cool !

I'll answer them all ! Thank you @mxcasual !

1 : Who is / are your comfort character(s) ? At the moment it might be Gale from Baldur's Gate 3 ? I need my escapism and he's a guy I'd geniunely be friend with. We would go to fantasy therapy together and do magic.

2 : Lighter or matches ? : Matches, I need that scratch before it ignites, it's a primal need ! Also I am just bad with lighters...

3 : do you leave the window open at night ? : If it's not too cold, yes, bring me that outside AIR

4 : which cryptyd being do you believe in ? Sadly none ? I wish for mothman tho, they seem pretty cool

5 : what color are your eyes ? Boring blue, YAWN

6 : why did you do that ? I don't know !

7 : hair-ties or scrunchies ? Scrunchies all the way, velvety black ones if possible

8 : how many water bottles are in your room right now ? Two, one empty and one full !

9 : which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee ? I tried both in various combination and I just don't like coffee when it's not in relation to desserts.

10 : would you slaughter the rich ? Yes

11 : favorite extracurricular activity ? Dreaming ?

12 : what kind of day is it ? I thought we were sunday but it's saturday night

13 : when was the last time you ate ? An hour ago, maybe two ?

14 : do you love the smell of earth after it rains ? Yes, and it drives me mad that I've lost my sense of smell years ago (not covid related, way before that).

15 : are you a parent ? Yes, of two cats, I wish I was a better parent to them

16 : can you drive ? Yes, had to !

17 : are you farsighted or nearsighted ? I never remember which one, but I have glasses !

18 : what hair products do you use ? uuuh Shampoo

19 : imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails ? Absolutely, but don't you dare painting mines, I hate the feeling of it, I have to scratch it off really quick

20 : do you say soda or pop ? Neither, here we say the drink's brand and that's it

21 : something you’ve kept since childhood ? Everything I could, but as one exemple a piece of a door handle I broke. Still have it. I like it.

22 : what type of person are you ? I don't know how to describe myself at all, I'm sorry

23 : how do you feel about chilly weather ? I love it but it doesn't and has me on a hit list.

24 : if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing ? Watching the sunset or the stars, either talking or enjoying silence together

25 : perfume/body spray or lotion ? None ? Allergy is a bitch and strong smells are deadly

26 : a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times ? IRL ? Because I'd have to answer : Failing at something

27 : about how many hours of sleep did you get ? Oh no, uh well last night was a mess, got 2 hours and I'm about to explode because of it

28 : do you wear a mask ? Yes

29 : how do you like your shower water ? Not too hot, barely body temperature, just enough

30 : is there dishes in your room ? No !

31 : what type of music keeps you grounded ? Classical, shits make me cry almost all of the time

32 : do you have a favorite towel ? I have one, my own, not really favorite just here to do the job !

33 : the last adventure you’ve been on ? Going to a concert in another country by car, does it count ?

34 : is there a song you know every word to by heart ? Way too many, sometimes I don't even like the song, but it's engraved. I need brain space but the songs won't go

35 : what’s your timezone ? uuuh, CET ? It's 10pm right now

36 : how many times have you changed your url ? I think twice, because I had a christmas one once

37 : someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years ? My oldest friend, went to school together when we were 12 and still being gentle annoyance to each other ! Also I'm pretty sure i have tumblr mutuals who count too

38 : a soap bar that smells good ? I don't know : ( loved lavender

39 : do you use lip balm ? No, can't stand the texture on my lips, has to get rid of it immediately...

40 : did you have any snacks today ? No, but I had two meals ! (little victories)

41 : how do you take your coffee ? I don't

42 : an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site ? Instagram, another godforsaken site

43 : what’s your take on spicy foods ? I like it a lot, my stomach likes it less :o)

44 : you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it ? Uuuh....********* ******

45 : can you remember what happened yesterday ? A bit ? Showed a monsters book to my oldest niece, then I watched her play minecraft while I played Animal Crossing, made dinner, talked with the fam, watched 3 hours documentaries on the weather, then movie critics, then I fell asleep.

46 : favorite holiday film ? I...by default I think Nightmare Before Christmas ? But that's more because I first saw it when I was a kid (like 6 ?), a familly friend gave it to us as a Christmas movie and VHS's opening short film kind of traumatized me ? I love it for halloween now tho

47 : what was the last message you sent ? "La lumière t'attend !"

48 : when did you first try an alcohol beverage ? Well one christmas when I was a child (no idea the age, around 7 ?), family left and I tried to finish a red wine glass, it was disgusting

49 : can you skip rocks ? YES, it's so fun ! Been years !!

50 : can i tag you in random stuff ? Of course !

[lucysweatslove]

10.28.2023 // I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this journal, but it’s a weird mood re: body connectivity.

Maybe I’ve been having fever dreams lately, but honestly, this is the best I’ve felt physically in a while, so I don’t think it’s quite that. Emotionally though, I’m feeling… weird?

I took two naps today (is it technically Sunday? Yes. But it’s Saturday still in terms of my days). I think the sleeping all week has helped a ton. I don’t feel 100%, but I don’t remember the last time I felt 100%.

During the last nap, the one in which my entire dream was me blogging on Tumblr specifically, I was trying to think of a title for a journal post that I dated November 2019. I don’t remember the day of the month, just 11/__/2019. I want to say it was 13, 18 or 23. Not 28 though because the cream didn’t feel like a 28th.

I bring this up not because the exact date matters, but because November 2019 was the last time I felt decently well. Not perfect, mind you, but this was before I got that upper respiratory infection that kicked off the years of illnesses.

Friday night, I had a mini-meltdown or shutdown or something… I can’t think of the words right now. I had multiple hours of extreme body dysphoria. Not gender dysphoria- it’s not about gender or secondary sex characteristics and more about… just not wanting a body or feeling like I belong or am connected to this specific body. I joke about wishing I could just be a purple sentient mist, but it’s not entirely a joke. I still want to be. I want to be alive and sentient and learning and doing and experiencing. I’m not unhappy with life in general. I love spending time with my husband and my pug and all that. But every time I look at myself, it feels wrong somehow.

Initially last night I was thinking about how much I miss my “old” body. I don’t miss the eating disorder, not really. But I miss how I looked. I never got the chance to delve deep into the pathogenesis of my ED, and I don’t really remember much at all. I think, though, that I may never have felt super connected to my body except when I was making it smaller. There were only a few times in my life where I felt like my body matched me, and they were during that pseudo-recovery period. Where my body was at it’s smallest, or nearly at its smallest, but I wasn’t actively restricting. A “best of both worlds” moment that never could’ve lasted.

I’ve realized since actually starting recovery, with every small change, I’ve become more and more distant with my body. Even though I’ve reconnected with a lot of physical cues, my body doesn’t feel like ME. It feels like a physical meat sack I’m forced to occupy so I can do things that matter to me. Like if you were from the tropics but you are venturing to Antarctica because you were really excited to do some science down there. You are only excited and fulfilled by this topic and can only do the science and gather the data down there. But, because of the cold snow, you have to wear ridiculously restricting and hideous puffy snow clothes. You know there’s no other option- you can only tolerate the Antarctic cold in clothes that feel like “you” for so long before you risk severe damage, and if you left to go back to the tropics, you would be leaving your dream or giving up on your life’s work.

I think I’ve managed the body I’m in right now by this disconnect. I’m really not sure if I CAN safely reconnect as it is- like when I imagine what it looks like, I can see it, but it still doesn’t feel like ME. I can only reconcile my sense of self and my body when I look back in time. At least pre-Covid, but honestly even earlier than that is better. Aside from that, I can’t even connect with an idea of looking like anybody else or any way else- I just want to be a purple must.

So yeah, idk where I’m going with this because it’s impossible to go back in time or become a sentient mist and none of this makes sense anyway.

[regulationbluebunny]

FFXIV Write Day 28: Blunt

Subject: Niryl can't handle hero worship. Featuring @duskwightdancer 's wol

Gen. Cws: none.

"I see," Niryl said, though he was referring to the woman's manner of address more than her words.  

"Wonderful!" She said with a smile that might've been considered charming. "You see, my own field is closely related to ambient aether.  I thought perhaps we could go over your suggestions on further study. With such interconnected fields, there is sure to be some overlap."

He couldn't handle this.  The blushing, the hand wringing, the giggles that were more suited to a girl than a woman in her forties.  She was interested in his chosen science, she had said. She had read their paper on the effect of celestial bodies on changes of atmospheric aether.  Never mind that Urianger had done practically all of the writing and most of it went over his head, Niryl didn't think he could handle a conversation with anyone quite so simpering. 

Niryl breathed carefully through his nose as she spoke. He didn't want to be the subject of her girlish admiration.  He didn't want to be anyone's hero. He had never asked people to bow and scrape as if they were somehow lesser than him. Perhaps a better man would find it in himself to reassure them and nurture their interest. A more patient man who was not running on five hours of sleep and who had not had nearly same conversation a dozen times tonight might find it in himself to extend her an offer to visit the laboratory.  But that would mean yet another future engagement he would have to hold himself to, and he was stretched thin enough as it was.  Best to leave politics like that to Alphinaud. Niryl had been told that he could be a bit blunt. 

"It is fortunate to have such dedicated scientists interested in our work," he said carefully.  "You work in ambient aetherology, you say?"

She nodded.  Her curls bobbed with the motion. One of them came dangerously close to her champagne. 

"That's correct.  I specialize in seasonal currents."

"Very closely related indeed," he said honestly, but new connections be damned. His fancy robes itched at the collar and the room was far too hot.  "I have a friend who is uniquely studied in tracking aether currents. Do you know Yshtola Rhul?"

Niryl knew as soon as the words left his mouth that he was going to suffer for this later, but changing the play now would only make things more awkward.  

"I know of her, yes.  Who doesn't? "

"You ought to call on her," he said. He pulled a scrap of paper out of his pocket that happened to be a half torn Ewer card and scrawled Y'shtola's name and laboratory number on it. Oh, she was going to kill him. "Here- I'm sorry, I think I see my son at the desserts table again. Tell her I meant to introduce you, she'd love to show you what we're working on.  Excuse me."

Niryl wove through the crowd before the woman got a chance to get another word in. A hand bearing a rim-full glass of La Noscean red placed its way directly in his path and Niryl had to make the decision to stop or wear it.  He came to a halt just in time to see G'raha, his forum robes bright in the light of the chandelier, grin up at him.  

"I had been on my way to aid you, but it appears you've managed to extricate yourself on your own," he said.  "If you're looking for Farim, Celestaux put the kids to bed a half a bell past."

Niryl groaned and stole a swig of the glass G'raha had used as a barricade.  The other man didn't seem to mind.  

"I know," Niryl admitted.  "He caught me before he left. There's no need to be so smug."

"My apologies," G'raha said, but his smile widened slightly. "I'm sure you're also aware that you were speaking to Renalia du Miere, recently sponsored by the forum." He punctuated the last bit as if it were of particular interest.  

Niryl groaned. "Sponsored by you, then?"

"She's very well written," G'raha agreed, "and her methods are sound."

"Hopefully she gets on with Y'shtola, then," Niryl muttered.  

G'raha snickered. "I'm beginning to understand why you didn't like me back then."

"What? I liked you fine."

"You absolutely did not," he laughed.  "If the two of us were left alone in a room together I would turn to find an open window and an overturned chair."

Niryl flushed.  "I wasn't that bad."

"You weren't," Graha admitted. "You did your best to be perfectly civil.  I know now what a struggle that must've been."

The well concealed jab assured Niryl that he wasn't in any hot water and he let his shoulders slump. 

"I have difficulty with," he waved his hand in the direction he'd left Renalia, "that. If a genuine conversation is what they want, then by all means.  I have no desire to talk to someone when they're treating me like I'm some kind of--"

"Hero?"

"Golden statue," he finished.  

Graha smiled sadly at him. This wasn't a new struggle. Gods knew there was a reason Celestaux had abandoned the festivities to put the kids up when it was barely eight. 

"I'm just glad you got over it," Niryl said.  

"I tend to lose most respect for a man when shows up on my doorstep before dawn only to sneeze at me."

"Excuse me! I recall it being Farim that did the sneezing!"

"It was both of you," Graha said, grinning with the confidence of someone who had far too much ammunition and the full intent to use it, "and in excess."

Niryl put on a show of pouting. It was true that he'd let Graha and Celestaux see him at his most terrified, ill, and once or twice inebriated. It was G'raha that he'd turned to when Farim had gotten their entire house sick with hand foot and mouth, G'raha who he begged advice when Farim cried so much and so easily.  And there was Celestaux, who knew better than anyone the horrible things he kept inside him but still let him hold Gwenette. It was worth the teasing to have friends he could rely on.  

"Go on," Graha said. "You needn't stay on my account. I'm sure your young man is wondering where you are."

"Very well," Niryl said. He didn't pretend not to be relieved by his dismissal. "Give Celestaux my regards. I'll stop by for Farim in the morning."

[armchairaleck]

Febuwhump - what I learnt

Okay, this is mostly advise for future me and I guess anyone who might vaguely consider doing a writing challenge like this..

I took this on because I had lots of Viren fics floating around in my head and no incentive to finish any of them.. that being said I am still in the same position now, but I did manage to write a lot of words of some vaguely whumpverse.. so.. I guess that's a win?

Anyway, what I found or wished I'd known:

Planning is your friend, it should have been my friend.. honestly if you write stuff concurrently and out of order it quickly becomes a hot mess of what goes where and when.. welp it did for me at least..

Writing out of chronological order is possibly not your friend, idk honestly usually I am fine with it, but for some reason doing this challenge in prompt order was way too confusing and I didn't figure that out until I started posting.. I guess this is only an issue if you're trying to do one chronology or chapter in a different order tho..

Buffer is also your friend, I knew I had a kinda busy month and I started writing in January.. but it was nowhere near enough.. hence my glacial pace by the end haha

It is actually hard to whump one character for 28 days straight, and I like inflicting pain and trauma on people.. I guess it's more that it's difficult to get fresh angles sometimes, so it was quite helpful to mix up the POV/supporting cast and take a long time frame.. but also mixing up the victim/fandom might help.. but meh.. I have a one track mind so..

I have seen people do these challenges with works that come in at precisely 500 words, and I glibly thought yeah I could do that, but turns out I could not.. I don't think any came in under 1k, so allow for how you write and writing speed.. an hour a day was not enough..

Also allow for the time it takes to upload onto Ao3.. for me this process is painfully slow and for some reason I did not consider that while I was writing the next day I would also need to be uploading editing the current day.. PLUS allow for coming up with titles/tags/summary.. this was fricken tedious..

This 1-2k fic length was not something I usually write tho, and tbh it's kinda a nice length, like there's enough to get into some story ideas without getting totally bogged down in a whole lot of exposition and pointless research which is what I usually do..

Also some of these ideas I would never have written without trying to think how I could fill a particular prompt and they were kinda fun.. but there were others I really had no ideas.. they were less fun..

So if you struggle without a deadline/incentive (that's me..) I guess this was quite a useful way to actually end up writing something, but I got serious burn out towards the end, mostly because of the poor planning haha..

Possibly a week challenge would be better than a month..

Anyway it was pretty fun.. but ngl glad it's over and I can think about other stuff..