#if someone else comes & also says i'm being fake with my outrage

[ravi-is-my-beloved]

You know how we know that non of you are as outraged by Tommy's behavior in the begins eps as you pretend? How we know it's all fake outrage because he's getting in the way of your ship? Because none, and I mean none, of you were complaining about him before he got with Buck. Not one person was like "I can't believe they're showing them going out to drink with Tommy, he's a racist" or "why are they throwing him a goodbye party with cake, he's a sexist!". When Tommy first came back in season 7, before he turned out to be sticking around to actually date Buck, there was no fandom discourse about how everyone was acting too friendly with this horrible, disgusting bigot. Y'all. Didn't. Care. When. He. Wasn't. In. Your. Way.

Hate Tommy all you want, but don't use fake moral outrage about actually serious topics as an excuse. It's cheap and it's transparent as glass.

No. Fuck you.

You don't get to twist me calling y'all out as a way to turn this into being about a ship war. I don't give a fuck about Tommy anymore (as evidence by the way my "anti Tommy Kinard" posts nowadays being about y'all's insistence on dismissing his actions), I care solely about y'all calling his past racism and misogyny as just him being "kind of jerky".

This is not about a ship war, I hated him even before I became a Buddie shipper (which I started shipping Buddie a few weeks into the hiatus and that was after I started expressing my hate towards Tommy).

I'm sure there are some people who are being fake and using it solely as ammunition in this "ship war", but that's not me. And you can't say that I'm one of those people because you don't know me. I was against Tommy Kinard the moment I found out he was coming back in season 7, but you won't know that because I wasn't active in the fandom until season 7 finished airing.

To my understanding, there were people who didn't like Tommy coming back in season 7 before it was revealed that he would be dating Buck, it's just that they weren't as vocal as they are now. And why would anyone have fandom discourse over Tommy in the Begins episodes? He was clearly only meant to be there to be racist and misogynistic and was then discarded. He only truly becomes relevant in season 7, when he starts dating Buck.

But this ask isn't even what my last post was about and you say the fake moral outrage is cheap and transparent as glass, but you know what's actually transparent as glass? How you only turn this into being about a ship war because you're being called out for actually valid, serious issues.

So again, fuck you.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary275

6/18-19/24

tuesday - wednesday

the birthday went ok until it didn't.

my gf's brother is a paranoid baby who thinks everybody is making fun of him always and stuff. just a miserable life he leads, can't deal with anything, can't take anything that he could spin into being a slight against him or even people who communicate differently. and it's also not our fault that he says outrageous things that are funny, even, he is a funny person, and it doesn't have to be, and it often isn't, that he is the joke. he is problematic and semi-awful, and he'll look at me and talk about how he'd actually be okay with having a trans gf if he never had to see the dick and i can hear that and say whatever, you know, but it's funny that i make you think that, it's funny to see that as a kind of being sincere, and i don't even hate you for it even though a lot of people rightfully might! and it's not even about this, because it doesn't bother me that much, it's just an example of his whole thing, you know. un-woke and crazy and lonely and stuff. what made him go off at my gf and our friend and me by extension was his paranoia that they and i were all doing all this stuff behind his back, and i don't even know what that would be. like honestly, he called us gaslighters, said all of our personalities were smoke and mirrors, that kind of shit. i don't get it! i'm only ever myself, or, i'm condemned to be myself, this is all there is, there's no trickery, i just think lots of things are funny and maybe it's bad that i default to laughter but i do and i try to be nice to people and stuff. he's an asshole though, condescending constantly, telling me about how i have no way to know america's awful because i've only lived in vegas, how he knows the spirit of the land, how great the east coast is. like sorry i was too poor to move anywhere else my entire fucking life!!! and then we went to a bar downtown and sat in uncomfortable silence after he blew up at us in the parking lot, and i had to mediate, to try and express that if my gf can't figure out why he's losing his shit, why he thinks we aren't nice, even though we're there listening to him, spending time with him, talking to him, doing what he wants, but i guess that put him in the bad mood in the first place, cuz he didn't want to do the cafe thing, so we went somewhere else! the problem was solved, but the fact my gf suggested something instead of letting him pick, which he coulda done she just suggested something to him, like, gosh. what an ass hole.

so there was that. seeing our friend was lovely though, the one who lives here, mo, that kinda thing is always nice, i'm glad he was here to deal with it too, i suppose, if it were just my gf and i, we really would have just shut down probably, or made things a little worse. other people help us be more regular maybe. idk.

or, idk. well adjusted?

anyway, b4 i go work out, here's some pix of me, the sun's coming up and i haven't even worked out yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

, :

my phone cam was like smudged... whoops,

#deaddeaddemon'sswag #wow #wow

is my #wow #whoa thing ironic? am i insincere for that, i think it's like, kawaii and stuff and funny too.., it entertains me, so like, is that fake, what does sincerity even mean when the only sincere thing to someone is talking about how bad life is and how you hate everyone on earth.

n e wayzzz, i need to sleep soon, i haven't got to work on the cover art. i need to remind myself, i want to put a thylacine somewhere on it, maybe like, damaged or something, it just feels like kinda of cool. idk, they always captured me as a kid, an uncanny animal, haunted feeling cuzza the extinction and stuff. the cryptid angle too, i guess how they got put out there online, as creepy long dead ancient things, or creepy because of the long dead and ancient. it's weird how old always =s creepy, i suppose i can understand, old buildings, at least, centers of rot, things we don't want to see living there, weird how dwellings fit us and pests, and other kinds of animals tend to not want to be in these things.

here's some funny photos from the psp camera also:

it handles dark lighting in a really fascinating way to me, super harsh, makes things look like outerspace, noisy as hell too, obv.

i also took a long vid with it today, it seems like i can record a long time with it if i'd like, which gives me some fun ideas. i won't post the vid here, it's by gf's brother blasting carseat headrest in mo's car, just too much. it's out there to find though, or i guess unlisted on yt. i may cannibalize the vid for pieces cuz i like how it looks, all the lights downtown, the sad ugliness of it.

for the cover, i also need to draw some kind of corpse-thing, it seems like a right way to fill some of the space that i'm troubling myself over, just like, fucked up flesh, basically, a pile, or like, maybe think of globsters? to bring it around to cryptids... that's a good idea yea... globster beside tuberose.

listening to this, right now:

a classic, to me, love the weirdo riffs on this, love how it's about a man being so pathetic and self pitying, 'he claims he's the victim', the amount of venom directed at that attitude, it's something that feels really interesting/smart, real autocritique. if not smart, the kind of obvious thing that ought to be surfaced because it's never surfaced enough i think.

i have to sleep now, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[localspacelesbian]

Is Taylor Swift Aromantic?

ok hear me out: i'm aro, and i say so

disclaimer: i don't actually care about how specifically taylor identifies or the details of her relationship history; though, i am going to take it as a given that she is some form of queer. i just noticed some relatable things on midnights and wanted to see if i could find more to back it up. I know some of these are a stretch, but i am not accepting criticism at this time.

A Place In This World (Taylor Swift)

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me 'Cause I'm still trying to figure it out

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on

doesn't know what she wants? perhaps because she doesn't want what everyone else wants?

2. Cold As You

So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel something

i wonder why she's not feeling anything in this relationship

3. The Outside

I tried to take the road less traveled by But nothing seems to work the first few times Am I right?

So how can I ever try to be better? Nobody ever lets me in I can still see you This ain't the best view On the outside looking in And I've been a lot of lonely places I've never been on the outside

4. I'm Only Me When I'm With You

Friday night beneath the stars In a field behind your yard You and I are paintin' pictures in the sky And sometimes we don't say a thing Just listen to the crickets sing Everything I need is right here by my side

And I don't try to hide my tears My secrets or my deepest fears Through it all nobody gets me like you do

this song is about her best friend. i don't know what else to say

5. Fifteen (Fearless)

But in your life you'll do things greater than Dating the boy on the football team

When all you wanted was to be wanted Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now Back then, I swore I was gonna marry him someday But I realized some bigger dreams of mine

wanting to be wanted is not the same as wanting someone. i feel like she is/was in love with the idea of being in love more than she's was actually in love with another person

6. Breathe

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt Every little bump in the road, I tried to swerve But people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out And nothin' we say is gonna save us from the fallout

And I can't breathe without you, but I have to Breathe without you but I have to

It's 2 A.M., feeling like I just lost a friend Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me

this song is also supposed to be about a friend

7. The Way I Loved You

He can't see the smile I'm faking And my heart's not breaking 'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all

8. Long Live (Speak Now)

We are the kings and the queens You traded your baseball cap for a crown

And the cynics were outraged Screaming, "This is absurd!"

Long live all the mountains we moved I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you

If you have children some day When they point to the pictures Please tell them my name

this song is just incredibly queer in general, but dragons are aro, so...

also, something about the cynics saying her being a 'queen' is absurd, and her predicting the other person having kids but not herself... idk

9. We Are Never Getting Back Together (Red)

So he calls me up and he's like, "I still love you" And I'm like, I'm just, I mean this is exhausting you know? Like we are never getting back together Like, ever

just a very aro mood

10. Style (1989)

You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye And I got that red lip classic thing that you like And when we go crashing down, we come back every time 'Cause we never go out of style We never go out of style

idk something about focusing on the way the look as a couple as opposed to any actual feelings involved

11. Shake It Off

I go on too many dates But I can't make them stay At least that's what people say, mmm-mmm

I'm dancing on my own (dancing on my own) I make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go) And that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm

Just think while you've been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world, You could've been getting down to this sick beat.

why worry about dating when you can just dance?

12. ... Ready For It (Reputation)

Every love I've known in comparison is a failure I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now

demi/gray-aro vibes?

13. I Forgot That You Existed (Lover)

I forgot that you existed And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn't And it was so nice So peaceful and quiet I forgot that you existed It isn't love, it isn't hate, it's just indifference

14. Afterglow

I lived like an island, punished you with silence Went off like sirens, just crying Why'd I have to break what I love so much? It's on your face, don't walk away, I need to say

Hey, it's all me, in my head I'm the one who burned us down But it's not what I meant I'm sorry that I hurt you I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you (Ooh) I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

i can't love you the way you love me

15. Daylight

My love was as cruel as the cities I lived in Everyone looked worse in the light There are so many lines that I've crossed unforgiven I'll tell you the truth, but never goodbye

16. the 1 (folklore)

We were something, don't you think so? Rosé flowing with your chosen family And it would've been sweet If it could've been me

17. invisible string

Green was the color of the grass where I used to read at Centennial Park

green is aro

18. champagne problems (evermore)

Sometimes you just don't know the answer 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you "She would've made such a lovely bride What a shame she's fucked in the head," they said But you'll find the real thing instead She'll patch up your tapestry that I shred

19. gold rush

'Cause I don't like a gold rush, gold rush I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch Everybody wants you Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you Walk past, quick brush I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush

really makes love sound fun, huh

20. Lavender Haze (Midnights)

All they keep asking me (All they keep asking me) Is if I'm gonna be your bride The only kinda girl they see (Only kinda girl they see) Is a one-night or a wife I find it dizzying (Yeah, oh yeah) They're bringing up my history (Yeah, oh yeah) But you weren't even listening (Yeah, oh yeah)

21. Snow on the Beach

This scene feels like what I once saw on a screen I searched 'aurora borealis green'

green is aro (pt. 2)

22. You're On Your Own, Kid

I picked the petals, he loves me not Something different bloomed

I hosted parties and starved my body Like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss

My friends from home don't know what to say I looked around in a blood-soaked gown And I saw something they can't take away 'Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned Everything you lose is a step you take So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it You've got no reason to be afraid

You're on your own, kid Yeah, you can face this You're on your own, kid You always have been

23. Midnight Rain

He wanted a bride I was making my own name Chasing that fame He stayed the same All of me changed

My boy was a montage A slow motion, love potion Jumping off things in the ocean I broke his heart 'cause he was nice

It came like a postcard Picture perfect shiny family Holiday peppermint candy But for him it's every day So I peered through a window A deep portal, time travel All the love we unravel And the life I gave away

24. Vigilante Shit

I don't dress for women I don't dress for men

i mean, she could be dressing for nonbinary people, but somehow i don't think that's what she meant

Ladies always rise above Ladies know what people want Someone sweet and kind and fun The lady simply had enough

25. Bejeweled

And when I meet the band They ask, "Do you have a man?" I could still say, "I don't remember"

also just the entire music video

26. Labyrinth

Uh oh, I'm falling in love Oh no, I'm falling in love again

(You know how much I hate it)

27. Sweet Nothing

Outside they're push and shoving You're in the kitchen humming All that you ever wanted from me was Nothing

finally, a relationship without all the traditional romantic expectations

28. Mastermind

What if I told you none of it was accidental And the first night that you saw me, nothing was gonna stop me I laid the groundwork and then just like clockwork The dominoes cascaded in a line What if I told you I'm a mastermind? And now you're mine It was all by design 'Cause I'm a mastermind

No one wanted to play with me as a little kid So I've been scheming like a criminal ever since To make them love me and make it seem effortless

29. Hits Different

Moving on was always easy For me to do It hits different, it hits Different 'cause it's you

I used to switch out these Kens I'd just ghost Rip the band aid off and skip town Like an asshole outlaw

very demi/gray-aro vibes here

30. Dear Reader

You don't have to answer Just 'cause they asked you Dear reader The greatest of luxuries is your secrets

again, just very queer in general, but you know

You wouldn't take my word for it If you knew who was talking If you knew where I was walking To a house, not a home, all alone, 'cause nobody's there Where I pace in my pen and my friends found friends who care No one sees when you lose when you're playing solitaire

you know when all you're friends get into relationships and start prioritizing that over their friendships and kind of abandon you? yeah, that

[dreaminginvelaris]

A Response to a Feyre Anti

I made a post recently explaining the dread of having to watch Feyre be abused by her sisters and father, in the Tv adaption. And a Feyre anti made a response, to something that should not be criticized at all considering what I said was just the truth? Feyre was abused. Not only that but they went on and completely twisted the narrative to fit their own ideas and in the process made Feyre out to be cruel and Nesta a saint. complete bull.

I will not be tagging the anti bc they have me blocked (shocker), but also I do not want anyone to go after them, if you come across the post, I don't want it to be through me. it's as much respect I can give to them.

I usually do not respond to those who have something to say with a post of mine or are blatantly talking about me on their blog, unless they're just spreading absolute lies about me or what i "said", it's usually a waste of time to do so. but this post attacked Feyre with outrageous lies and a complete backward interpretation of what actually happened in acotar, so as respectful as I can be, I will be analyzing the anti-response and what truly happened in acotar.

"the audience will only see two sisters fighting-not abuse" "it’s not Nesta you need to worry about. It’s audiences calling Feyre a big dumbass and a bitch" -from anti

if the audience has basic human compassion and empathy for humans IRL or fictional, they will see what's obvious from the start. Feyres abuse. how is it going to look, when they see Feyre walking through the woods, shaking from the cold, starving from hunger, and struggling to find food for her family? only to later see Nesta's treatment of Feyre?"

in the anti's post, they said Feyre was just as "heinous" to Nesta.

is Feyre the one calling Nesta a pig? a smelly pig? ordering her to take her clothes off?

no, it's not, it's dear Nesta. the text goes as "I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to bark at her" oh yes... how cruel of Feyre. how heinous of Feyre to...stay quiet... at the verbal abuse.

in the same image we see Feyre ask Nesta to do something (kindly might I add) and then inquire why she didn't chop wood like she needs to.

what does Nesta do? acts like a brat and insults Feyre...once again.

considering I'm going off by the story and not the actual screenplay, and assuming they stay true to the story; will the audience not be disgusted by Nesta's behavior? I mean they just saw Feyre struggle to find food and they expect Feyre to go home to a family happy and appreciative of Feyre but instead, they get this familial abuse.

the anti said Feyre basically tells Nesta this:

"If you keep bitching at everyone like this no one will want to be around you or you can’t marry this guy because you’re a waste of space to me"

but what do we see?

"Believe me... the day you want to marry someone worthy, I'll march up to his house and hand you over. But you're not going to marry Tomas."

the word worthy, did that not catch your eye? Feyre said Nesta will have to marry someone worthy, someone, who will treat Nesta kindly and give her the life Feyre thinks her sisters deserve. bc Feyre does think that IDK why anti feyres think Feyre despised Nesta so much, Feyre loved her sisters.

what the anti fails to realize here is that Nesta marrying Tomas would have been actually pretty great for Feyre. in the sense that, Feyre would no longer carry the burden of her sister. Feyre would not have to worry about feeding one more mouth. or worrying about Nesta's constant stealing of Feyre's money. Feyre does not think Nesta is a "waste of space" to her, if she did, it would have been easy for Feyre to discard Nesta, and allow her to marry Tomas. the anti has that twisted.

but that is not even the worst part of the scene. did you see the shameless slut-shaming that came out of Nesta's mouth? how will the audience take to that? do you think most of the younger generation will take it lightly to see a sister slut-shame a sister? a woman putting down another woman? in this social climate? where the feminism movement is alive and flourishing. will they be okay with it? will they still blame Feyre and be mad at her the way the anti says they will be? I hope not otherwise I'm losing faith in humanity.

Lovely words Nesta spews at Feyre. I admit Feyre should have told her then and there that Tomas is abusive. but let's think: Feyre is 19 years old, the youngest, has never had any raising by a parental figure, has been neglected by her whole family, where would Feyre learn to calmly talk to an overgrown brat like Nesta? Feyre telling Nesta who Tomas truly is the duty of a parent, not a sister. I will not condemn Feyre for not knowing that was the perfect time to tell Nesta who Tomas is. especially when Feyre is being tormented and verbally/emotionally abused, its kinda hard to think about something else while you're being told all these horrible words. to us its easy to see where Feyre went wrong but unless you're in the exact position Feyre was in. no one has any room to talk. and even then, every person is different in situations like these.

this part was me analyzing the interactions between Feyre and Nesta since anti had reasons to believe Feyre was just as bad to Nesta and that the audience would see that and hate Feyre. I am now going to respond to the second part of the Feyre Anti's response.

"How will an audience of non-fans react to her not reaching out to her family to tell them she was okay after the reconciliation between her and Nesta? Or not inviting them to the wedding?"- from anti

moving onto acomaf now.

Idk maybe the audience will see Feyre, a depressed, lonely, individual in an abusive relationship while being manipulated by other individuals she called friends, and understand and empathize with her. all throughout the beginning and half of acomaf, Feyre is in critical depression. she wholeheartedly believes she should not be alive. that she is not worthy. she doesn't eat, all she does is sleep, self-care is not important to her or others so why would letting a family know she's okay, a family who BARELY ever cared about her, be a priority? it doesn't seem like Nesta or elain or her father was really fazed by Feyre's lack of communication. her father left on a trip, elain got engaged and Nesta, well we didn't see a tearful welcoming to Feyre on Nesta's part did we?

anti, where is the outcry of her "family" not even really caring if Feyre was safe or not, of what happened to her? it's not like they thought she had died, otherwise, where was the mourning or funeral? no, they just didn't care.

see this is where I know when anti is just full of bullshit. why, WHY, would Feyre invite her family to wedding full of fae? the creatures elain and Nesta fear and hate? for all the talk many anti's spew about Feyre being inconsiderate to Nesta, to her family, you would think Feyre maybe just knows a fae wedding would be the last thing they would want? even then, does Feyre owe them an invitation to her wedding? does she owe them an update on her life? nope. Feyre owed them nothing.

"How about her shit-talking Nesta to a bunch of strangers then having the audacity to ask her to get involved in a war. Oh! This is after she comes into her house and insults their hospitality." - from anti

I hardly think Feyre confiding in individuals who she learned to care about and laying out all the trauma Feyre endured with her family is "shit-talking" but for argument's sake, let's say it is. I still don't see what's wrong? after years of pent-up anger and hurt, would you not let go of everything you withheld inside and explain what was done to you? how you felt? Feyre telling the IC her life story, which contains Nesta's abuse and her family's neglect, was a form of therapy for Feyre. I never read a line where Feyre calls Nesta a "cold-hearted bitch" or called elain "a lazy ditz" she just said the truth. no added embellishments. Cassian was the one who shit-talked Nesta during the dinner scene, never Feyre.

I still don't understand why antis are so against Feyre asking her sisters for help? like the war didn't involve them? they're humans, and you know what the war was about? Hybern wanting to take control of the human lands like they once did and turn them into slaves. those humans included Nesta and elain.

"They could have left the continent" correct, except elain was engaged and refused to leave Grayson. which meant Nesta refused to leave elain. but even so, isn't it the duty of humans to band together and work to overthrow a race of people who want to torture and keep them as slaves? the queens certainly weren't doing their jobs. Feyre asked to use "their" house to meet the queens bc where else would they do it? the queens trust the fae less than Nesta or elain did. but even so, Feyre asking to use their house was a courtesy, that house is rightfully Feyre's. she is the one who sacrificed herself to leave with Tamlin. she did it bravely, courageously, and they got that house thanks to her. they owed Feyre everything. and the only one who acknowledged that was Elain.

that war involved elain and Nesta whether they or Feyre or the anti's liked it or not. not even considering that Nesta and elain are Feyre Archerons sisters, yeah, their family name alone puts a target on their back.

How did Feyre or the court insult Elain's and Nesta's hospitality? You mean when Feyre realized human food differed from fae food? something she did not know about bc she's barely been turned to fae and only had eaten fae dishes? Feyre's grimace towards the human food was an involuntary reaction to someone who is still learning their new body. or was it when Cassian called out Nesta for her cold treatment towards Feyre? if that's the case then fuck decency, I would call out a fake bitch in my presence from minute one. you cant call what Nesta did "hospitality" when all she did was insult Feyre when she didn't even care that Feyre had died, or lost her love bc of abuse, or that her body was changed against her will.

hospitality: the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.

did y'all read something different bc this for sure was nothing Nesta gave to her guests?

----

the rest of the anti post moves towards Rhysand and his actions UTM which I won't go into because I'm mainly just addressing the false interpretations this anti had to say about Feyre and her family.

I'm not sure how to sign off now lol, but I guess just that I hope this was enough to show how this anti's arguments were completely ludicrous and have absolutely no compassion for Feyre, and instead all the compassion for Feyre's abusers. This anti had a real spin on what the actual story was, and I hope the evidence I provided was enough to show that. Anyways yeah my brain is fried, and I'm done arguing with Feyre anti's for a while now, I need to go praise my queen Feyre so I can receive some semblance of peace.

anyways, stan Feyre for clear skin xx

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

I’m On Fire [Chapter 1]

Summary: With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

A/N:  This is the first part in a series, I’ve written the first few chapters already so I’m hoping to update pretty regularly! I hope you guys enjoy, and any feedback is always appreciated! ❤️

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: None really for this chapter, cursing? Mean-ish Spencer

Word Count: 6.5k

Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

Masterlist 

I wasn’t at the BAU long before it started to feel like home. The team became my family, pure and simple.

Having been recruited by Hotch at only 22 I'd sort of fallen into the roll of the little sister to the team without really meaning to. It's not that I was naive, or particularly sheltered even. I know I'm good at my job, and I'd want to be, given how my life's revolved around it almost entirely. But the team seemed to adopt a protective mindset over me right off the bat.

When I first joined the FBI everything was terrifying. I worked so hard for my PhD, trying to get into the unit, but there's almost nothing that can actually prepare you for the real thing. Being out in action in the field, working the cases out in real time. Sometimes they had a smooth, easy conclusion followed by loud obnoxious drinks together. Then there were the others, the ones that kept me up for days after and felt as though they owned little pieces of my heart still.

It was JJ that helped the most on those horrible flights back on the jet. Noticing my anxious ticks and uneasy disposition after that first case that had ended badly. JJ had been through it all before, taking too many cases home with her. Seeing her son's little faces in the kids that we couldn't help. If I was the baby of the team JJ was the big sister, looking out for everyone.

Morgan on the other hand was the outrageously cool older brother, the one you just wanted to be. Early on he'd helped my weak self with the ruthless fitness regimen the FBI required, he offered to pull some strings and get the test written off. But I couldn't accept that, there was something in me that just wanted to impress Morgan, and honestly still does. Like somehow if he thought you were cool, then it became true. So I passed the exam, but getting up a flight of stairs was near impossible for a week after.

Emily was probably the fun aunt. The one that would sneak you booze at the family gathering, or take you to your first concert. Emily was actually the one who'd found me, digging around colleges for potential recruits she'd had me picked out for a while I later found out. Insisting that Hotch give me a shot. It was reassuring to know I had someone who would stick up for me from day one.

I was an tech analyst, among other things, sort of a counterpart for Garcia in the field. So it was no surprise to anyone when the two of us hit it off as though we'd known each other forever. We weren't the same by any means though. Penelope was bold, and bright, and confident beyond measure, where I've typically felt like more of a blend into the background type. I've always thought of myself that way, despite my achievements. I'd also always believed I was fairly inoffensive, no one I'd met had ever had a huge problem with me, 'till I got to the BAU that is.

Every rose has its thorn I suppose.

That thorn in my side was Dr. Spencer Reid.

It wasn't that Dr. Reid was a bad agent, or even a bad person. I hadn't actually met him before that first day in the conference room, but I'd known who he was for a long time. Before I came along he'd held the mantle of 'youngest ever recruit' in the unit, while I was studying I'd read any of his work I could get my hands on because of that fact.

I figured it must've been some sort of hazing when he looked me up and down that first day I was introduced, and then proceeded to blank me entirely for a full week. Up until I'd wrapped my first case.

The whole team went straight from the jet to the bar. Proceeding to get far too drunk. Spencer joined, which the rest of the team found unusual, and I probably should've taken as a sign of things to come.

That case went well, and everyone was in high spirits but Reid had a sour disposition, at least it seemed that way every time he looked at me. After a few too many drinks I went outside in an attempt to sober up in the cold air, unfortunately Reid must've snuck outside not long before.

"Ugh" was all he said when he first caught my silhouette approaching him. The night was unusually cold so it had been deserted outside the bar that evening. I wasn't really sure why it made me nervous to be alone with him like this, the two of us leaning back against the same small area of brick wall, looking out at the cold night.

"Nice to see you too doctor" was all I could muster, I was drunk enough that I let my sarcastic tone leap out, "you can relax, I'm just trying to get some fresh air, it's too stuffy in there, and loud. I'm not here to talk to you or anything."

"Well aren't you a sensitive thing" he responds in kind, at that point I wasn't really sure if it was a coincidence or if he'd been genuinely avoiding me, but things were starting to clear up.

"I'm sensitive, that's a fun take on things" I joke, taking a long sip of cold water from my glass.

"And what's that supposed to mean, newbie?" his emphasis on the last word all but confirms my suspicions.

"Fuck man, what's your problem with me? Is it because I'm new, or because I beat your stupid record?" I quip. hoping that at the very least it might coax him out of his shell. Dr. Spencer Reid getting angry at me could honestly be better than the nothing I'd been experiencing from him until now.

"What stupid record?" he sounds genuinely confused

"I'm the youngest BAU recruit now?" I didn't know why else he could be so sour. He'd never met me before last week, and since he'd ignored me that first day I'd done all I could not to step on his toes. So if he had a reason to hate me this much, it wasn't something I'd done on purpose.

He takes a few moments to respond, raising his eyebrows and considering the information. He chuckles. He fucking chuckles.

"That's funny." he says, his voice leveling out, "I didn't peg you as funny newbie" that word sets something off in me again. Something about it is dismissive, or belittling. Before I could fight back he starts to move, maneuvering around me and heading back inside. A little too tipsy to think of anything constructive to say, I just mutter "Fuck you Spencer."

He swings open the door, as he walks inside he just says "See you Monday, Newbie" without even looking at me.

And that was only the beginning.

----

"You know I'm just trying to make sure you get enough rest sweetheart. There's no need to get so defensive!" it was far too early in the morning to be dealing with this call. Since joining the BAU a few years ago this was a standard call from my Mom. Equal parts well meaning and over-bearing, and generally asking far too many questions.

"I'm not getting defensive Mom, I get plenty of rest, my job is just very important to me and you know that." I knew she was right to be at least a little worried, this job was consuming, and in all honesty I wasn't sure how people like JJ were married and still here. It seemed like an impossible feat.

"Fine sweetie, how are your co-workers doing then? How's Penelope? Give her my love" she loved Penelope, I think she thought that Penelope tethered me to the normal world, and in a way she was right. She kept me sane, and fun, and made me eat pizza and do face masks once a week at least. Even when I didn't think I wanted to.

"Pen's great Mom, everyone's good. Well, the usual ones get on my nerves, but I'm fine." As I say it I glance across at Dr. Reid, the only person who's also in as early as I am most days. I'm not sure if he can hear me but he's tapping his pen so loud on his desk that it takes all of my energy not to walk across the bullpen and stab him with it.

"Y'know what Mom, I'm actually just after getting to work and it's a busy day so can I call you back later?" I chance, getting her off the phone is always an ordeal.

"Fine, fine, I'll let you go. But wait one last thing!"

I knew what was coming. It was always coming.

"Are you seeing anyone, Margot's been wondering too, just thought I'd check in?"

Pinching the bridge of my nose and trying not to scream down the line, I just sigh out the frustration instead.

"No Mom, believe it or not, I've made no progress on that front since you asked me all of 3 days ago."

"See you are being defensive!" she snaps

"I gotta go, bye Mom. Love you!" I say, hanging up quickly before dropping my head down into my arms on my desk, resting like that for a few moments in silence.

Hearing Garica chuckle behind my ear I perk up and spin around. She's holding a small paper cup of coffee and hands it to me. I look at it confused, "Sorry about the paper, I couldn't find your mug in the cabinet" she apologizes, looking over at Dr. Reid and rolling her eyes. Now I know he can hear me from his seat, he takes that moment to sip from my mug and place it gently back on his desk.

It hadn't taken long for him to start toying with me. It was always stupid childish things. Things I couldn't get genuinely annoyed at, that would give him far too much satisfaction, knowing he was getting to me in any real way. This was one trick he liked to play if he got into the office before me, he'd take my mug and make his coffee in it, just to spite me I guess.

"Why does he even do that, it's so stale" she said, just a little louder than normal to make sure he could hear. Garcia and Reid were still good friends and team-mates but she liked to stand up for me when she could. He liked to avoid me as much as possible so he'd usually go to Garcia before me if he needed help with something. Even when the two of us were out in the field together. Which was obnoxious but it was just another thing I'd gotten used to over time. And as long as it didn’t interfere with the case I just forced myself to let it go.

"I know it's such low grade bullying isn't it?" I shot back with a chuckle.

"So I'll take it that was Mommy dearest" Penelope gestures to my phone. She knew my Mom, and she knew about her general overbearing energy. I let out a groan thinking about the call again, and the calls that were to come.

"Isn't it always Mommy dearest?" I joke

"So she's still on your ass about the wedding then?" I'm sure Penelope was almost as sick of hearing about it as I was,

"Margot's getting married in like 4 months now, and every time Mom calls there’s just some new hometown loser she wants to set me up with Pen. It's fucking exhausting" I take a sip of the coffee she made me, savoring the bitter taste. She sits down on my desk for a moment, leaning in.

"Honey, did you ever think that if you got out there and found someone, she wouldn't be on your ass at all?" I don't want to think about that, about how she's completely right. All I can do is let out another small groan and lean back down onto my desk.

"Too early Pen" I say, it's muffled by the desk but she gets the message. Hopping up and heading to her own office as some more people start to arrive for the morning.

Leaving me alone to make a start on my paperwork that had built up throughout the week. Fridays were usually slow like this, giving me a little too much time to think. I couldn't shake the thought that my Mom and Penelope were actually right. Maybe I was a bit too invested in the job, and maybe that was a pretty big factor in why my last relationship imploded but I wasn't about to admit that to anyone.

----

After that the day crawls by, thankfully no cases pop up so the weekend might actually be free. Trying to make sure I clear up all of my paperwork takes a little longer than I'd hoped and leaves me alone in the bullpen. It seems like everyone's gone home by the time I've packed up and I'm ready to leave. Which wasn't as out of the ordinary as I'd like it to be really. Everyone else seemed to have somewhere to be on a Friday night.

Waiting for the elevator to arrive my phone started to ring, I could see my Mom's caller ID on the screen. If I just let it go I know she'll call back later, may as well get it out of the way. I take a deep breath in anticipation before I answer.

"Hey what's up?" I answer, stepping inside the elevator as the doors ping open.

"Hi sweetie, I've got good news! Do you remember David? That lovely boy, he helped out your Father that summer in high school?" I know what's coming and rub my temple, trying to stifle the headache I know is coming. As I answer a hand slides between the elevator doors, popping them open again.

Dr. Fucking Reid walks in, and he looks about as happy to see me as I am to see him. I make eye contact and look away just as fast, willing him away with my mind. "Yes Mom, I remember him, why are you telling me this?" I already know the answer but I'm fed up, she still sounds excited when she responds.

"Well you won't believe it! I ran into him at the market this morning and I thought you'd like it if I passed on your phone number to him, maybe for the weddi-" it took all I had not to shout into the receiver, and maybe I would've had the elevator been empty.

"Mom! Jesus!" I have to reign myself in, but I have a bad idea, "You know what, I'm actually sorted. I've got a date lined up now" I'm not sure why I said it with no real plan in place. She sounds even more excited than I've ever heard her.

"Oh my, that's amazing sweetie! That was fast, I can't believe you found one since this morning, it's someone from work so?" she assumes, and I'm just not thinking fast enough to correct her.

"Mmhmm, yeah" I'll figure out the logistics later I rationalize.

"Oh! Is it that boy you're always on about, the one who teases you?" she asks, and her voice is full of joy, and it makes me feel horrible that I'm lying already, and that I'm going to let her down.

"Yup, that's the one, look Mom I gotta go, I'll talk to you later! Night" I blurt out so fast it has to be obvious I'm nervous.

I can hear a stifled chuckle behind me. Fuck. How loud is my phone speaker. Could he hear that. Surely not. But this elevator was completely silent. The doors open and I have to stop myself from running to my car at top speed. Instead I walk out just a little faster than normal, turning around to shoot him a small wave goodbye. And he's got this devious smirk on his face that makes my stomach turn.

Sitting into my car I pull out my phone to text Garcia immediately.

I'm on my way to yours right now. It's urgent.

——

Traffic's light so it takes maybe 10 minutes before I arrive at Garcia's place. My mind's racing and my body takes me there on autopilot. Why did I say any of that, why did I even answer the damn phone. Why did I wave goodbye to Spencer, I never usually did that. Maybe that's why he had that look on his face. Maybe he was just thinking of something funny that happened earlier and it had nothing to do with me at all. That was something he'd do to mess with me for sure.

How was I going to walk this back with my Mom, she was just gonna have more questions that I couldn't answer. Fuck.

Garcia buzzed me up and her door was open for me by the time I got up the stairs. This little purple apartment had become my second home. It was where I spent most of my evenings off, laughing on the same sofa I was collapsing face first into right now. Garcia nestles in beside me and runs her hand over my hair, "Hey sweet pea, what's happening? I don't want to sound too concerned but you're not giving me much to go off? Are you dying, is there drama? You're going to have to tell me what's so urgent before I burst a blood vessel?"

I let out a muffled, "is drahmuh" into the pillow, Garcia shakes my shoulders.

"Sit up babe, damn!" I have to heave myself out of the pillows, sitting upright on the sofa beside her, clutching one of the pillows in my arms.

"It's drama" I repeat,

"Well, out with it then, you know I'll take all the drama I can get! Spill, spill" she rushes me along. I'm already apprehensive, Reid's her coworker too, but if anyone would understand why this was such an issue it was gonna be her.

"Okay, I'm after doing something stupid and I think I really need your advice" I cringe already, thinking back to the elevator, throwing out my words faster, I continue the story, mostly trying to get it over with, "my Mom called again when I was on the way out tonight and she was trying to set me up with this guy, and Reid was there, and I got all flustered, and I told her I had a date already" I throw my head down into the pillow again.

"Wait why was Reid there?" she looks like she's trying to fit puzzle pieces together and she's getting nowhere, "And what's the drama?"

"Shit Garcia, it was in the elevator and it was all quiet, and maybe he heard the call, maybe he didn't but he had this fuckin' look on his stupid face" I can't shake the smug little smirk, it's burned inside my eyelids. Garcia's face falls in what looks like disappointment.

"Ugh Y/N! That's nothing chill out, why does it matter if he heard your call? I know you guys are all weird but none of that is any of his business anyway!" she shoo's her hand in the air, dismissing the whole situation.

"No Garcia, it is his business now" I have to close my eyes when I say it, I can't look at her "I told my Mom that he was my date, well, I didn't say his name or anything, she assumed it was someone from work and so I just agreed, and then she suggested that it was him and then I fucking panicked Pen, I fucked up so bad. What do I do?"

I finally opened my eyes to look up at Garcia. She was sitting in pure silence, pursing her lips in what seemed like contemplation. The puzzle pieces finally slotting together. It's as though a light bulb goes off behind her eyes and she bursts out in fits of laughter. Doubling over on herself before finally taking a few breaths to calm herself down. I'm honestly not sure why she finds the whole thing so funny, she know's how needlessly annoying he's made my life, she's seen it first hand and heard me talk about it over and over again in this very apartment over pizza.

"Garcia, this is not fucking funny! This is serious!" I try to calm her down, I need advice not whatever this is.

"I'm so sorry Y/N, I love you dearly. But this isn't funny, this is hilarious. It's like you're Sandra Bullock in some mid-90's rom com. I love it" I don't love it, in fact I hate it. I nearly snap at her but pull myself back.

"Pen, come on, help me out. What do I do with this, how do I fix it?" I plead.

She stops laughing and pulls out her phone, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'm going to order us a pizza, and we're gonna sort this thing out together, sound good?" I just nod and collapse back into the sofa. I think I feel better now that I've gotten it out in the open.

----

Penelope makes us tea while we wait for the pizza, she keeps lemon & ginger in her cabinet for me, just like I keep mint for her. The warm mug and the steam calm me down. After a few minutes alone to think about it I start to figure it out a little better. I figure I can just lie to my Mom for a while, it might suck but I can pretend for a bit and then make up some excuse as to why he can't come closer to the time. Then I can just bring Garcia instead and everyone's happy. I'm about to float my plan to her there's a knock on her door. I was so caught up that I hadn't really noticed quite how starving I'd gotten. Leaping up of the sofa to grab the door.

I swing it open but it's not the pizza guy. Somehow it's the opposite of the pizza guy, my worst nightmare is on the other side of the door. He must notice my eyes blow completely wide. "Y/N!" he says, more of a statement than a question really, like he's telling himself that he's actually seeing me in the doorway. I'm not as gentle.

"What the fuck are you doing here Reid?!" I can't even disguise my anger. He seems a little flustered, like he's got absolutely no idea how to proceed.

"Um, uh, is Garcia here? I can, um, I can just come back later?" he swallows hard and shakes his head, before I can agree and tell him to get lost Penelope races to the door, pulling it wide open.

"Nope, that won't be necessary Doctor! Come on in, you're right on time sweetheart" she waves him in and he walks past me, his demeanor changing almost instantly. He's smug, like he's won whatever battle this was. And I hate it. Though he's still as confused as me despite the newfound attitude. Reid sits down on the sofa, right where I had been sitting. I bite my tongue and sit on the opposite end.

"Are you okay Garcia?" he asks with a genuine concern, "What's going on, what was the emergency?". He's not stupid, he knows she's not in danger now that he's here. But he wants answers. I don't know that I've ever seen him this confrontational with anyone, well anyone but me. The entire time I’m staring her down as she sits in the armchair opposite the two of us. My keys are in my pocket and my car's right outside. I could just jump up and make a break for it. Escape.

"You know what Doc, you won't believe it but I'm not actually the one with the emergency" she takes a beat, and I'm starting to think that I might understand why people murder other people after all these years, "Y/N has something urgent she needs to talk to you about" she's silent for another moment, and she almost looks giddy, "Actually Spencer, you might already know a little something about the matter already, now that I think about it" she smirks, and it's pure joy.

My keys are in my hand ready to bolt when the doorbell chimes again. "Oh, that'll actually be the pizza this time, if you two will excuse me" she hops up out of the armchair and races to the door, leaving the two of us alone in a horrible silence. The tension is almost too much, I want to speak but I really have no idea what to say, or how to even start saying it. But he starts.

"Y/N what's going on, I feel like I'm out of the loop here? What am I missing?" he asks, and there's something uncharacteristically genuine about the way he says it, but he can't turn to look at me as he speaks. I almost want to let my guard down and just have a conversation but I can’t force myself to do it. "Shut up Reid." is all I mutter, folding my arms across my chest.

He turns sharply on the sofa to face me. "Hey Y/N. Believe it or not I'm about as happy as you with whatever kind of Parent Trap situation Garcia's got going on here. But from what I'm picking up on you've got a problem and I'm supposed to be able to help with it. So do you want to tell me what's going on or not? I can just go?" I can see that there's an anger bubbling right below the surface, threatening to burst. I know I shouldn't but I let him stew in silence for a little too long and he jumps up off the sofa.

"Y'know what, typical" he mutters, rolling his eyes as he says it, "this is all about you." he throws his bag over his shoulders and begins to walk towards the door. Something in me just snaps.

"All about me?! Are you fucking kidding? I've been tip-toeing around you for years, ever since I joined this damn unit!" I shout as Garcia comes back into the room, pizza box and plates in her hands.

"So, who's hungry?" Garcia asks, trying to break the tension, or pretending there's no tension at all. Reid shakes his head in disbelief and rubs his temple before he speaks again, "Actually I was just gonna head out" he gestures to the door, "I'm clearly not wanted here so I'm gonna leave you guys to it." Spencer makes a move to leave but Garcia grabs the strap of his shoulder bag, yanking him back ever so slightly before he really has the chance to escape.

"You are going absolutely nowhere kid" She points back to the sofa, "get back there" she glances to me, staring with far too much intensity. "You too, sit." Her voice is more stern than I've ever heard it, even while we were on a case. I can't help but obey her command and I sit back down on the sofa in silence. Followed by Reid, clearly processing the same uneasy feeling of a serious Penelope.

She sits opposite the two of us again. "Y/N, Spencer, I love the two of you with all of my heart, albeit separately, and I would die for either one of you. But you've got to chill the hell out!" she says it like she's had it bottled up forever. The tension that releases from her as she says it looks euphoric.

She opens up the pizza box and lays it on the coffee table and takes out a slice for herself. Taking a bite she leaves the two of us in stunned silence. Once she finishes the mouthful she turns to me specifically, "Y/N you tell him, or I will." dead serious. And the feeling in my belly is like I've just fallen down an elevator shaft.

My stomach is in knots as I turn to Spencer on the sofa next to me. His face is puzzled and I think I might be able to make out pure terror in his expression. I don't know that I've ever been looked at like this before and my stomach screws up tighter. I have to take a deep breath and I can't believe I'm about to say it. "Fuck it" I have to take another breath almost immediately so I just have to force the rest out, "I don't know if you heard the call I was on while we were in the elevator earlier?" I look up to gauge his reaction and I can see his face relax, and worse than that, one corner of his mouth lifts into a sort of smile. It's a look of pure smug satisfaction and I think I might scream. I have to close my eyes because I really don't think I can look at that face as I say the next part.

"My sister is getting married in a few months and my Mom's been on my ass to find a date for the wedding and she keeps trying to set me up with these losers, so I fucking panicked, and I told her you were my date." by the time the sentence is out my eyes have screwed up so tight it feels like I have to pry them open.

He sits in silence for too long. Thinking, maybe?

"So I'm the boy who teases you then?" he grins. So he did hear. And he did laugh. He looks far too self satisfied. Now he knows he's right. He knows I've talked to my Mom about him, that he's gotten in my head. I can tell from his smile that he's savoring the moment. Mostly because I can't slap the smug smile off his face I drop my head into my hands. In an effort to disappear I guess.

"So," he says, taking a moment, "is that all you wanted to say then?" he asks, lighthearted and obnoxious, back to his usual self. I snap back to reality, shooting my head back up.

"What do you mean is that all?" I throw back genuinely shocked,

"Is that all you had to say Y/N? Can I go now? It's a long bus ride home y'know" he smirks but makes no effort to move. He can't possibly be making me do this.

"Well no, obviously!" I stutter, "I mean, are you, will you, uh?" I can't bring myself to say it out loud. He leans in on the sofa looking directly at me, refusing to break eye contact.

"Did you have something you wanted to ask me Y/N?" I just want to smack that fucking look off his face,

"Fuck you Spencer Reid" I almost whisper under my breath, but Garcia snaps me back to reality.

"Hey!" she looks at me, stern again, "Ask him." it's not a question, or a suggestion, it's a command.

"Fine okay" I scrunch my eyes up again, "Will you come to my sisters wedding with me as my fake boyfriend?" I curl up into myself as I say it, I can almost feel the bile rising up from my stomach. Like I'm having a biological reaction to the whole thing.

Reid crosses his arms and sinks back on the sofa, like he's performing the act of thinking. He's considering my offer to make me squirm.

When he finally speaks he says "Well I would Y/N, but I really fail to see what's in it for me" he's after getting cocky now.

Garcia pipes up, excited, "Oh, Oh! I know! I have an idea!" she interjects, "Spencer remember how a while ago, back after your apartment flooded you were all all worried about your antique books and prints and stuff?" he nods, "Well Y/N could digitize the collection for you as a back up? I know you're a technophobe? C'mon Y/N, you know you could do that no sweat, and it would take you a lifetime alone Spencer?" I really don't want to admit it but she's right. Even I knew Reid was adverse to any technology that wasn't vital, but it was your specialty. And maybe that was a good trade off, a job like that would be near impossible for him to pull off without help. I take a glance over at Reid and he seems to have had the same train of thought as me. He lets out an exaggerated sigh and relaxes his posture.

"Fine, I guess that's a fair trade. I'm in." he resigns and I almost can't believe it. I'm barely processing the whole conversation as he sticks his hand out to me, I'm confused for a second before I grab it and shake it firmly. Condemning myself to whatever's about to happen. And it's not the time to be thinking about it but maybe this is the first time Spencer and I have ever touched? But I shove that thought away.

Garcia's positively beaming and she's not even trying to hide it. "Now it's like you're both in a Sandra Bullock movie, oh, but you're Hugh Grant maybe?" she points to Reid.

"Don't push it" I shoot in her direction, taking a slice of pizza, now that my anxiety stomach has sort of passed.

Once the pizza's been eaten in near completely awkward silence Spencer stands up off the sofa. His unsure demeanor has returned and he looks nervous. "I actually should get going this time" he says but Garcia pipes up to protest,

"No, it's not even late!"

"It takes me a while to get back home, thank you though Pen. For... this?" he gestures to the whole living room, "Night" he waves. He's almost made it to the door before I stand up out of my seat. I'm not really sure what comes over me, maybe it's gratitude, maybe it's guilt, or maybe I'm just exhausted.

"Wait Spencer. Let me give you a ride home?" I ask and it's like it's not even me saying it .

"Thanks, but I think I can make it home just fine" he dismisses, and there’s an antagonizing tone in his voice that snaps me right back to our usual rapport.

"I'm trying to do a nice thing here, fuck! Just let me do something nice!" I snap, and he throws his arms up in surrender.

"Fine alright, if it'll make you feel better"

"Fuck you Reid" I mutter under my breath and I sort of hope that he does hear me really. If he's gonna be hostile about this I can be too. I give Garcia a hug goodbye but I'm going to scold her for this whole thing later.

----

I lead the way outside and climb into my car, Spencer hops into the passenger seat and it feels as strange as always to be alone with him. Especially because it's not an accident, and it's not in work. Maybe this was a horrible idea. He seems like he's unwilling to break the silence, so I just get it over with.

"Where the hell do you live man? I'm gonna need directions." I say, as deadpan as I can muster, which probably isn't all that intimidating.

"Sorry, yeah, so you're gonna want to turn on the ignition" he teases. I definitely wasn't intimidating enough.

"Don't push it" I say, turning to give him a cruel stare, he just reacts with a smirk, that same one from the elevator earlier.

"Oh, I'm pushing it?" he asks, feigning disbelief

"I'll kick you out of this damn car" is all I can think to say. He barely responds, he just lets out a soft chuckle. I want to ask 'what's so funny' but he speaks before I can get the words out.

"I can't believe you talk to your Mom about me" he continues to laugh. That's enough.

"You know what Reid, of course I have! I work with actual murderers on a daily basis and somehow you've been the only real source of friction in my life since I joined the BAU!" He stops giggling a little, but not entirely, he looks like he's making an effort to contain himself.

"I'm sorry. I guess I just never knew I got to you like that" he still finds the whole thing amusing, but I sure as hell don't.

"Directions, now" I demand, looking straight out the front windshield.

"Fine, keep going straight on this road for a while and I'll tell you when to turn" he says, finally playing nice.

The two of us drive silently for most of the journey, the radio playing softly in the background. Eventually we arrive outside his building, and it's nicer than I thought it would be. But I have no idea what I was really basing that on. For some reason it hadn't occurred to me that Dr. Reid lived in an actual home, I had pictured him sleeping upside down in a cave maybe, or in a cryogenic chamber with all the other life-like genius robots.

"So," he says, breaking the silence, "When is this wedding?"

"4 months from now, in and around" I respond, matter of factly. Spencer nods, taking it in.

"Alright, so I've got 4 months, in and around, to learn enough to convincingly pass as your loving boyfriend. Doesn't sound so difficult." he jokes, his tone harsh and sarcastic.

"Look Spencer, I know this is insane and honestly kind of stupid. But in all seriousness, you can back out right now if you're not on board with whatever this is. I'm telling you this is the last exit ramp." I try to say it with sincerity, giving him a genuine out if he's not comfortable with the weird set-up that Penelope pulled on us both. He thinks on it for a moment and shakes his head.

"So how are we gonna do this?" he asks, and I really thought he was going to back out. So I don't have an actual answer.

"Well, I uh, I haven't really given a plan much thought. How about I come over and start working on some of the stuff you want digitized like Garcia mentioned and I can use the time to give you the footnotes on my life?" I suggest, at least that would make it easier to knock things out all at once. Rather than having to spend even more of my free time with Reid than necessary. He looks content with the improvised plan.

"Alright, sounds good." he undoes his seatbelt and opens the door to hop out of the car before turning back to me, "Are you coming inside or what?"

— —

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ARC Review: The Scoundrel Falls Hard by Sophie Jordan

4/5. Releases August 23, 2022.

Gwen Cully faces two challenges in the small village of Shropshire. For one thing, she's something of an outcast for her size--six feet tall and not a small woman, she's seen as mannish and strange. Additionally, she's a blacksmith, which doesn't help matters; and a leering man and his sons are attempting to run her out of business.

But as a fundamentally decent person, she can't help but take pity on Kellan Fox when he comes running into her shop, seeking refuge. Kellan and his father spent the past year fleecing the fiefdom, pretending that his father was the new duke when in fact the two of them are career con artists. When Kellan is about to be hanged by the outraged townsfolk, Gwen does the logical thing--claim to be in love with him in order to incite sympathy and quite literally save his neck.

The issue is that if Kellan is going to spared for the sake of love, he and Gwen are going to have to prove that their love story is legitimate--which means getting married. In three weeks. Or else.

Sophie Jordan is like... The fun, slightly dramatic romcom writer of the historical romance writers of today. Which means that if you read her books, you're certain to get a fun romp, good sex, and a happy ending. They may not be quite as angsty as some of the fare I read, but they have pathos and they're fun and they're sexy and they're so beach-read-friendly that they should probably be on every beach read list.

This is probably one of my favorite books by Sophie yet. As her books so often do, it plunges you into the action immediately--no preamble, no bullshit, just kissing and fake dating and attraction and fun, fizzy party times. Gwen and Kellan have instant chemistry, not least because her time as a blacksmith, subject to the village's scorn has actually introduced her to the ways of the world. He's a scoundrel, yes, but she's not a babe in the woods. She's a virgin, but she can drive.

And it's also like--such a fun, high stakes choice? Gwen claims to love this man because he's literally about to die. She's actually saving his life. And he has to go with it, because the alternative is literally dying, but Gwen is hot, so.

Speaking of Gwen being hot--I fucking loved that Gwen is a tall, big woman. And he's so into it. And I'm gonna say this as someone who isn't short and isn't at all small--though I'm not as tall as Gwen. I loved that Sophie included Gwen being made to feel feminine and delicate and treasured with Kellan. To me, a lot of "big girl" romances put the girl with a soft, slight, cinnamon roll of a man. And that's fine. But when that is almost all you have, it feels very much like "well, gender roles are big and small, so let's just flip that, girl is big one now". And if you're a bigger girl who wants to be the big one, all power to you. But like. Not everyone does. It was so refreshing to read a historical romance heroine who like, loved herself and valued herself but also wanted to feel a bit fragile and held and gentled in her love interest's arms. I loved that she got that. It was very personally pleasing to me.

And the chemistry between them is intense. They do that whole "fake marriage, temporary, will not interact" thing. But it lasts.... not at all. This book is hot. You have it all--from finger sucking to voyeurism. Zero complaints there.

If I had to critique anything, I'd say that the ending is quite rushed. This is a character story, right? Kellan has his issues, Gwen has hers. There is a bit of a "stake" in the end, but there isn't a ton of plot. And I don't have much of an issue with the plot being light, but I do wish the ending had been drawn out a bit.

But with that being said--I'm not mad. The opposite. It's a good book, a lot of fun, and perfect for that summer-moving-into-autumn moment when it's being released. Kind of hot and summery, but moving into that "autumn festival" feeling.

Recommended for everyone in general--highly recommended for people who love a fake dating moment, want to feel good about their not-tiny bodies, or need some good smut.

Thank you to Netgalley to providing me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[idontknowwhatsarcasmis]

Hi! I'm a big fan of your writing. Can you or are you planning to write a fic about Maria or Natasha being jealous? I need some angst in my life.

Helloooooooooooo! 

Nawwww! That’s so nice, anon!! Thank you so much! I’m soooo sorry this took a wee bit! WAs lacking inspiration, buuuut here it is now! 

You asked to see either Natasha or Maria jealous and I thought…. Why not both!? =D

It’s quite short, but I wrote it really fast cause I’m working on other stuff (sorry), but I dooooo hope you like it! It was really fun to write haha

Also, it takes place during Iron Man 2, soooo it is a Lost Moment as well but a prequel! =D

Anyways, enjoy!

P.S.: this fic starts with Natasha’s POV and alternate with Maria’s every “Xxxx”, kay? Sorry if it’s confusing!Ao3

Ff.netXxxx

“Sooo, Hill asked you to her room, eh?” Clint’s voice was loud and far too happy for her taste.

“It’s for a mission, Barton.” She stated, not bothering to look back.

“Actually, she never said that. She said, and I quote, ‘Romanoff, my room in 10, and  keep the idiot that tends to tag along away.’” He said.

Natasha smirked.

“We always knew she was ridiculously smart.”

She didn’t need to look back to know he was rolling his eyes.

“And ridiculously attractive?”

It was Natasha’s turn to be exasperated.

“I never denied that, Clint.”

“True, but you keep saying that’s all there is…”

She finally stopped to look at him, right outside Hill’s door.

“Yes, so? It is.”

He just looked at her.

“It is, Barton. I’m the Black Wi-“

“Widow, I do not do love, infatuation or crushes. I have no feeling. I am a dark knight, yadda yadda.” He cut her off, shaking his head. She narrowed her eyes at him.

“Yes.”

“Uh-huh, and yet we’re best friends, Miss I-feel-nothing! And you keep flirting with her!”

“Friendships are different, and jury’s still out on that, fyi. I flirt cause it’s fun. I wanna see how far she can take it.”

He gasped in mock outrage.

“I am hurt! Also, I’m betting marriage and two kids.”

Silence.

“What?!” She whisper-shouted.

“How far she can take it. Marriage and two kids.”

“To the Black Widow? You’re out of your mind.” She turned around and opened the door before he could say anything else. It was just harmless flirtation. Hill didn’t even acknowledge her, most of the time.

As soon as she walked inside the room, however, she stopped. A very unpleasant feeling crept along her spine, and a heaviness settled in her stomach. Right in front of her was Coulson and Hill. Less than an inch between their faces, staring deep into each other’s eyes. Coulson’s hand was on Hill’s shoulder and Maria’s on his sternum. She clenched her teeth and put on the best fake smile she had ever plastered on her face.

“Oops, so sorry! Are we interrupting something?”

It was with very little pleasure she saw the two officers spring apart, a blush rushing to Coulson’s cheeks. As her gaze locked on Maria’s, she felt her perfect spy smile diminish a notch… there was also some redness on the older agent’s cheek.

Natasha clenched her fists.

Just harmless flirtation…

Just fun.

Then why the fuck was her stomach clenching more than her fists?

Fuck Clint.

Xxxx

“I hate that bastard.”

Coulson rolled his eyes and closed the laptop that was in front of them.

“I mean, who the hell does he think he is? Just blatantly flirting with every woman that passes by him. What is wrong with him?” She started muttering, drumming her fingertips on the table. ”And what is Romanoff thinking? Actually answering to it like that?!”

Coulson laughed at that.

“Come now, Maria, she’s hardly answering in an encouraging manner. She’s being more sarcastic than anything.”

“Well, Stark keeps on going, so she’s not stopped him.” She continued, even though she knew there was absolutely no point in doing so. There was just… this unpleasantness in her stomach. She did not like it.

“It’s in her best interest to keep him thinking she might be interested, but either way, Stark is harmless in that regard, Maria.”

“There is no point of view or regard that could or would EVER make Tony Stark harmless, Phil.” She kept glaring at the laptop in front of her.

He stopped gathering the stuff around the table at that.

“Fair, but worry not. There is no way Natasha would ever look at him that way for real.”

She narrowed her eyes at him.

“What does that have to do with anything?” She asked, knowing it was futile, but trying for a confused tone, even as her fist clenched under the table.

He just stared at her.

She stared back.

Silence.

Sigh.

“She’s far too busy making goo-goo eyes at you to really notice anyone else.” He finally caved, rolling his eyes.

Maria scoffed even as her heartbeat accelerated at that.

“You’re out of your mind.”

“Maria, the other, day when we told her about her new assignment to Stark and she saw us close to each other, she almost killed me with her eyes. I was honestly quite scared for my life.” He mumbled that last part as an afterthought, but Maria chose to go with that.

“Serves you right for teasing me so much about her!”

“I was just showing how she stood with you the other day! You were that close, and don’t dare say it was nothing, otherwise she would not have been that jealous.” He quickly answered, throwing his hands in the air. Maria rolled her eyes.

“I’ll just ignore that, and say that we can’t have a handler being scared of his agent, now can we? Maybe we should give her to someone else?”

He laughed at that.

“Sure, to you maybe? It’d be fun to see the Black Widow’s impeccable record plummet ‘cause she couldn’t pay attention to any debrief by being too busy making heart eyes at her handler.”

Maria huffed at that, getting up and starting to fix some papers herself.

“Enough with the eyes this and that already. I’ll start to think you’re the one with an infatuation.”

“Huh.”

She stopped at his tone. The paper in her hands crumbling a tad. She looked at him with narrowed eyes. He looked pensive.

What.

“What?”

“She is quite attractive.” He shrugged.

“What the fuck Coulson?”

He held her gaze.

1…2…3…

He exploded in laughter.

Fuck.

“Oh my god, you should have seen your face!” He breathed out, still laughing.

She clenched the bridge of her nose, pissed at herself.

She could not believe she’d fell for that. What the hell was wrong with her.

“Oh my god, you’ve got it bad!” He said as he kept on laughing. She counted to ten. “I honestly thought it was just a harmless crush, but for you to glare at me like that! Oh my!”

… Maybe one hundred… Fury would kill her if she killed Coulson.

“Maybe I can make her even more jealous next time she’s in for a debrief! Oh, this should be fun.” He mumbled, wiping the tears in his eyes.

Or maybe she could do it and just ran away. Or make it look like an accident. She was quite the agent, after all, Fury would never find out.

“Oh, stop planning my demise! You know you can’t live without me!” He said, coming around to her side and patting her back. “Also, making Romanoff jealous might work in your favour!”

Silence.

She would not ask.

Silence.

Sigh.

“Why is that?”

“Maybe she’ll finally make a move, you’ll have dinner, bang, fall in love, get married and adopt a couple kids!” He said joyously as he walked towards the door.

She stared after him for a few stunned seconds.

“Are you high?”

“Nah, can’t. I’m on the clock.”

“Then maybe I should just ask Fury to reevaluate your mental stability.” She deadpanned, because okay… maybe she did harbor a bit of a… ahm… liking… for Romanoff’s flirting. It was… nice… and funny. The Russian woman was quite creative. And maybe she often awaited those moments. Also, she maybe did realize her glaring at Phil last meeting. But from that to ‘marriage and a couple kids’? What the hell.

“I’m pretty sure he’d agree with me!” He called over his shoulder, not even bothering to turn back.

“Well, I’ve always known he had one or two loose bolts.”

Coulson laughed at that and looked at her once more right before closing the door.

“Fair, but anyways, remember one thing, Maria.”

Against her better judgment, she nodded at him.

“Denial is not just a river in Egypt.” A wink and a closed door were done faster than the paper weight she tossed in his direction. Damn him.

She looked back at the table in front of her, which had a picture of Stark starting at Natasha’s ass as she walked away.

Maria calmly picked up the paper… then promptly crumbled it into a very tiny ball.

Maybe Phil had a point.

Fuck.

Xxxx

“Ooh, another meeting, huh?”

Natasha had to very count to ten very quickly as she made her way through the halls, Clint hot on her tail. She had no idea how they were friends.

“I called for it.”

“Hm, couldn’t keep away, huh? The assignment kept you too far apart for too long, I know. I get you, I get you.”

Worst part? He did. She hated it.

… Not.

Best friend indeed.

“Not the point of the meeting.”

“Maybe, but a bonus, for sure!” He said cheerfully as they rounded the last corner. Soon she’d be free.

He was making good points, though. Maybe he did deserve something.

She stopped and turned around, making him almost lose his balance trying to stop before hitting her.

“Fine, I’ll give you that. A very good bonus.”

“Aha!”

“But not the best part.”

“Hah, and what would that be?”

“You’re not in it.”

She smirked, opened and closed the door on his face. She was almost fast enough not to hear the small ‘liar’ that came from Clint’s voice. Even so, she was still satisfied with her last word.

As soon as she looked inside, however, her smirked died.

“What’s he doing here?” She said before she could control herself.

The three other people in the room looked at her with wide eyes at that. Fuck.

Silence.

“He is your handler, Romanoff.” Fury finally said, looking between her and Coulson.

Right.

“Right.”

Coulson had a little smirk on his lips. Why did Coulson have a smirk on his face?

Silence.

Long silence.

“Is there a problem, Romanoff?” Natasha’s heart skipped a beat.

The question came from Maria.

Swallowing both her pride and absolutely nothing, she turned to look into blue, blue eyes.

Was that… a smile on her face?

God.

She was beautiful.

“Romanoff?” She raised an eyebrow.

Right. Question. She looked back at Coulson.

“No, of course. I was just surprised.”

“Good, ‘cause after your report, we thought of a few changes.”

“Oh?”

“I’m meeting Stark. And you’re meeting me there.”

“Already?”

“It’s time. He’s become too dangerous.”

“Worried about me, Commander?” She smirked at Hill. To her surprise, the other agent mimed her.

“I worry about all my agents, Romanoff –“

“Oh?”

“And their missions.” Hill completed over her, but her smirk grew.

“Stark is the mission. You worried about him?”

Maria’s eyes narrowed at her at that, and a brief glance around showed Coulson and Fury fighting to keep laughter in. Interesting.

“Well, hard not to. Being played with by a pretty girl is quite the hardship…”

Natasha did not hear anything else said, her mind froze on one single thing.

“You think I’m pretty?”

As Maria’s smirk grew, Natasha was very proud of not blushing, even with Coulson and Fury’s barely contained laughter as she focused on Maria’s blue eyes.

“Well, I had meant Pepper, but…” She trailed off, and this time Natasha could not stop the blush.

She had been played, yes, but… That was not a no.

“The complete report, Romanoff.” Nick had apparently decided to take pity on her and she turned to the matter at hand. But before she could focus on the one-eyed director, she saw Maria.

Not Commander Hill, Deputy Director. She saw Maria Hill’s shoulders shake with silent laughter and an easy and content smile on her lips.

Natasha’s heart did funny flips and flops at that, translating into just the slightest pause on her speech to Fury, barely noticeable to anyone but herself.

Damn… Maybe Clint was right.

It was more… And she was jealous. But Maria had laughed with her, looked at her. Called her pretty (indirectly, but still…).

Fuck.

She was in deep.

Xxxx

“Where’s ‘Phil’?”

“Where’s Stark?

Silence.

Clearing throat.

“Phil is at a date I set him up on, he’s my best friend, and he needs to get over his infatuation with a mutual friend.”

“He’s hopefully on a date with Pepper if either of them took my many hints that although he’s too good for her, she loves him.”

They said at the same time, eyes snapping back to meet each other at that.

…silence.

Oh. Both Phil and Fury had been right about Stark, then. Maybe… maybe they were right about Natasha as well.

They started at each other for a long time.

Maria cleared her throat.

“Well… that, ahm… that was a very good mission, Romanoff. Congratulations.” She passed over the completed dossier.

Natasha smiled at the papers for a moment, then moved it on to her.

“Another compliment? Why, Commander, a girl could get used to that.”

Heart beating so fast it felt like it would come out of her chest at any time, Maria answered, deciding not to deny that she had indeed called Natasha pretty. She was. Beautiful in fact.

“Well… I’d love to keep them coming, Agent Romanoff.” She said, deliberately slow, as she got up and around her desk, coming face to face with the other woman.

“Oh?”

“Aye, you just have to keep excelling at the missions.”

Natasha smirked.

“Are you asking me to keep being a good girl?”

Maria was very proud of not choking at that.

“A good agent.”

Natasha hummed.

“Is that an order?

“It is, agent.”

“Aye aye, Commander.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Fearghal & Kaitlin

Fearghal: [So the setup is sending her a postcard pretending to be a mate visiting in England for whatever reason (could be fam you get the vibe, nothing suspect given the time this is) but giving enough info that she 1. Knows it is him 2. has the number of at least a phonebox nearby if not a phone in his care home 3. a time when he plans to first call the phonebox nearest their home in Ireland, assumedly this is some sneaky twin shit they've pulled similar enough before that she can catch on without any of the rest of the fam also doing so; only question is how long do we want it to be since he left?] Kaitlin: [3 months ish later then and they've turned 15 but only just for our ref how do we think the situation is with his dad etc like would he just be acting like he's dead cos is to him?] Fearghal: [basically my vibe was they wanted to weaponize Tabby killing herself for their gain, like make it something political even though literally not about that bar the fact her family and his family and co didn't want them together and she was a dramatic teenage girl in love (no offense but like) and so when he wouldn't go along with that there was a massive fight, actual, between him and his dad and then Fearghal left 'cos there's never any option but to do as your told with this fam and he can't lose face with all the other people etc etc and the story the dad is telling the fam etc is that Fearghal deserted them which not untrue but yeah, good enough for all the olders to disown him too so it'd be like we don't talk about him and if someone else bring him up you denounce him] Kaitlin: [let's say there's a crying baby in the background cos like in my OG post she can use her youngest sister needing fresh air as an excuse so casually left her outside the phonebox but might be able to hear her if she's going for it] Kaitlin: How ya Fearghal: K? Fuck's sake, you've not had a bastard, have ya? 's'not been that long, like Kaitlin: Catch yourself on! mind how ya ma was fit to drop, you eejit? well we're all lurred she had another girl who I'm hauling about as my cover, so I am Fearghal: [Laughs] Still easy to windup then [slight pause to take in that it's a girl and is here, like not the biggest shock but also literally no way of knowing at this time so] And go on, don't leave me in suspense, what name they burden the poor fucker with Kaitlin: [makes an unimpressed noise like fuck off] full of that good craic you are, bet the brits are buzzing to hear it. You ready? Niamh Roisin, it's a cracker, like [sighs] Fearghal: [laughs some more] Yeah, catch me on that most wanted list, obviously [makes a wincing noise like no] Christ, actually lost it fully then, has she? Made it longer than some but dunno if mentals get to heaven, haveta ask Father Quigley, like Kaitlin: [laughs herself] yeah yeah [makes like a idk noise] can you lose what you've never had? A good catholic'll find a way, to be sure, and she is that, our ma [makes a scornful noise at the mention of the priest as is standard for her] Fearghal: [makes a mm noise to agree] Suppose so, don't reckon much was said 'bout being good to 'em once you had 'em, so be alright [sighs] What have you been up to, then...How's it been Kaitlin: if it was she'd recite between the lines to keep us anyone's problem but hers, poor critter [sarcastic laugh because mum's getting no real sympathy] it could've been 3 days from when you went off for what's changed and not- [a long pause because everything's shit and we know it is] Fearghal: What's God if not top babysitter, eh? Cheaper than telly and who's giving money to the BBC [scoffs but cuts it short 'cos yep] And I'm fine too, you rude cow Kaitlin: and stand him next to our earthly da and he comes out lookin' class [chefs kiss noise] Hey now! [makes a fake noise of shock like she's appalled at the mention of the bbc] watch your profanity around me, dicko! [really long exaggerated sigh as a pisstake] a'course you are, land well anywhere, but hit me with your bars, it's no bother to hear how right I am Fearghal: If you can get him stand still long enough, like and you ain't a lad so no chance, babe [does pisstake wistful sigh] Forgot you needed protecting from the evils of this world, my apologies [coughs awkwardly then, stalling for time, fiddling with the phone in ways she can probably hear] Taking a bow as we speak, can't fit in here with me but the adoring fans are aplenty over this way, well more than there so fuck it, life's grand so it is Kaitlin: Wise up, boy, he only sways slightly of an evening on these ones lately so he does [but her voice is MAD because fuck being a girl in this fam] Did you now? Thank fuck my new lad has his uses then, like [takes a deep breath to try and calm down but exaggerates it for the pisstake because have to, god forbid they are serious rn] I went and saw your former biggest fan under that rock they've carved with protestant shite, no word on if life's grander for her now it's ended or if she's regretting she didn't send her prayers up saying she wanted another bite of the cherry, one that wasn't yours- [stops like I've probably gone a bit far here and shouldn't mention his dead ex anymore] Fearghal: Good for him [through gritted teeth like let's never talk about him thank you] Like you need a replacement protector, got how many ready and willing at home, just DYING to beat the shit out of some 15 year old kid for your honour and just for the craic of it [does it back, like and then is silent until the pips are going but he's still there 'cos they stop when he puts more money in] You'll be under some rock with Catholic shite if they catch you in their graveyard [says it much more quietly than he's said the rest] Kaitlin: [makes a noise of disgust that doesn't need to be exaggerated for the pisstake cos genuinely horrified at this fam thanks] what honour? Shame you brought down on us with what they caught you at [but her voice is softer too because didn't mean to go off and also doesn't mean any of that we know] supposed to scare me, is it? [said like I wouldn't be here to give them a chance to do it just like you weren't] Fearghal: Why you need to ask one of the others, ain't it; can't be the best looking of the bunch and the best behaved, got to leave something for 'em to do and impressing n pleasing him 's'never been high on my to-do so have at it, lads [does meh noise like this is all so casual] Called the fear of God for a reason, aye Kaitlin: [does the meh noise back and it's her turn to awkwardly fiddle with the phone/cough while she works up to saying what she does next, more quietly than she has anything else] how's it truly then? Away and everything. Free and clear Fearghal: It's, like- just shit because you realize that everything that happens in that fucking town, all the stuff that rules our lives and is all they give a shit about, no other cunt does, you know, Kait? Sure, its on the news when another bomb goes off or don't and that; but the English don't even have to think about it, their day to day ain't affected at all, no fucker but our lot cares and what's the point, honestly? Everything we were forced to at least think was important, if not fecking stupid, ain't and now I don't- [Stops to do some actual breathing to calm down] Not to mention I'm thick as shite, thanks for that and all- 'cos frees a bloody joke [laughs bitterly] I get by, now, got a place to stay so, don't haveta worry but don't be hopping the next ferry yourself, girl Kaitlin: [when you're just silent for ages because as much as you think it's bullshit you're basically in a cult rn with no chance of getting out so what can you say like] not that thick, warning me off coming to keep an eye on all these english girls with theirs on ya but no bother 'cause mind I get sea sick and class as boking on brits sounds I'd get fairly covered myself before I made any casualties of 'em Fearghal: Know enough about girls and enough about you to know the two don't need mixing, that's just school of life, that [moving away a bit and telling someone who's impatiently waiting to fuck off] Stay put [when you say it firmly like serious voice] That wain and the rest needs someone VAGUELY sane about to stand any chance, fuck me, Aislinn's already been corrupted and she's barely in double digits [kicks the box] Kaitlin: [laughs because yeah don't let her around any girls you like babe] you should know enough about me to know what giving me your orders'll do fer ya and what it'll make me do [but there's no actual real threat in it we all know she's staying for the bubs] Sane as you by that count, ain't I? [can't help genuinely sighing] Mammy's girl is Aislinn been like it since she was old enough to play house [grimaces at the thought cos never that bitch] got the rest under MY apron strings, grand they are and it goes for the stories I tell 'em every night after prayers, rest easy yourself knowing that, yeah? Fearghal: Alright, alright [hear the 🙄😏] But if you wanna be the next to bring shame on 'em, you can do better than a cheeky abortion, surely? [shakes his head] Yeah. [Pause] Yeah [Coughs again] I'm doing my bit, swear, it's gonna take a while 'til I can send you anything and I've got to work out how when I do- it ain't for them, just you lot but like I said, not cheap Kaitlin: [an outraged noise like who do you think you're talking to, of course I can do better than that etc] Yeah. [Pauses herself because again what to say, there's so much it's too much] I've got faith in the right shite, Gally [nickname ftw because feels] it'll work out. We'll work it out, like we did this Fearghal: 'Course we will, K. No other choice, is there [definitely not a question] Kaitlin: not a real question, is it? [she knows its not] Fearghal: you want me to ask you one? Kaitlin: do English girls fall for that? Fearghal: Enough of 'em, yeah Kaitlin: [makes a ugh noise] how you've got a bed, is it? Fearghal: Theirs top where mine is Kaitlin: I deeply feel that Fearghal: [makes the kinda sad 'ha' sound like 'I know'] Not all bad though, some class drugs about and you don't get kneecapped for taking a casual interest Kaitlin: [does a little hooray down the phone] Fearghal: Send you some but your phones probably tapped so I definitely won't Kaitlin: thanks or no thanks, depending who'll be listening Fearghal: Cover those bases and the baby's ears Kaitlin: nothing to be heard over her crying Fearghal: don't lie, you miss me that much [laughs] Kaitlin: fuck off [but laughs too] Fearghal: Will do Fearghal: so many English girls Kaitlin: [exaggerated being sick noise] nowhere close to a ferry and sick as a dog, don't start me any further Fearghal: You think I escaped to pray every day and fight the good fight, like Kaitlin: if you still pray you ain't escaped fuck all Fearghal: Not living on my knees for no cunt, sis Fearghal: am being haunted, for my sins, though Kaitlin: Be on track to commit more, you'll have enough ghosts for all manner of shite to get done Fearghal: No rest for the wicked on the one hand, but on the other, idle hands and idle minds [breathes out like so conflicted and confused] Kaitlin: [a change in tone because serious] She's gone, so are you. Leave it here. Leave it in this fucking town Fearghal: Not a choice Kaitlin: Can be Fearghal: Nah, s'not, boths already happened Kaitlin: Happened to you, gives you a say in how you deal with it Fearghal: Yeah Kaitlin: You've lived in one haunted house as things stand, ain't you? Miss home that much, is it? Fearghal: How could I not? Live for these lectures, like Kaitlin: [an unamused noise because you're basically calling her a nagging girl which ain't a mood] Fearghal: [the pips again] Oh shit, should robably let you go, yeah? Kaitlin: Yeah probably [but she obvs doesn't wanna that'd be clear] Fearghal: Tell the kids I miss 'em, won't ya Kaitlin: I'll even include her out there Fearghal: Try and send a picture some time, alright Kaitlin: 'Course Fearghal: You too, kid Kaitlin: [laughs but in a more genuine way] You're my twin brother, calling me kid is calling yourself a wain, you eejit Fearghal: That's alright by me, like Kaitlin: I'll not baby you, got enough noses and arses to wipe here while you're hand holding these brits Fearghal: No handholding, on me life, just good old-fashioned- [will cut him off before he can be gross] Kaitlin: [we can say she cuts him off with a very unamused noise as per like no thank you] Fearghal: G'wan then, piss off before that kid freezes to death Kaitlin: [doesn't wanna be the first one to hang up obvs] Watch yourself then Fearghal: You too Fearghal: When can we do this again then Kaitlin: When can you? It's no bother for me to slip out with this ginger whinger, needs fresh air so she does Fearghal: [laughs then is pondering like umm] Try next Sunday, after church, if I don't answer then I'll send another postcard or whatever, yeah Kaitlin: Tryin' to get a free sermon told to ya, respect that hustle if not the message Fearghal: Obviously, how am I getting to heaven from England? Kaitlin: [laughs] no angels in England is there not? You'll have been thinking on your feet for fresh pick up lines all these months, no wonder you ain't had time for me, like Fearghal: Something like that... [Trails off 'cos don't wanna tell her what's really been going on but also does 'cos not its like that and its been a lot to just deal with on his own] Kaitlin: But it's something else like what? [cos sees through you boyyy] Fearghal: It's alright now, like Fearghal: but it ain't as if the old man sent me on me way with anywhere to go, is it Kaitlin: He didn't put a bullet in your head as a send off, that's what gets me to sleep of a night, but- [trails off because she was gonna say she knows it hasn't been easy but she doesn't know how hard it's been and she's not trying to guess like let's compare struggles] Kaitlin: Yeah [another pause] Fearghal: Should've put one in his [so under his breath it's like did you mean that to be heard or] Kaitlin: You'd have to take ma out an' all, I don't reckon the broken heart myth is anything other than another story, and probably a few of us would make the cut for cute little orphans but you and me'd have to catch ourselves on quick and wise up Fearghal: Make Tara look after you all as well as Diarmaid's kids, see how committed to the family she really is [sniffs 'cos we been knew] Kaitlin: [makes an identical sound cos twinning] I'll take her out if she was bothered to try and get near 'em Fearghal: Least Owie is old enough to help out, young enough to give a clout, yeah? [genuine concern] Kaitlin: [scoffs because we know he's a bit of a knob but it's still affectionate because] Fearghal: He'll be alright [but doesn't sound as reassuring as that's meant to be 'cos like unlikely at this point] Kaitlin: He's got me, my will's stronger than god's so father Q likes to say [laughs] under his breath, a'course Fearghal: [laughs back but its less 'cos sad] He doesn't always chat shite Kaitlin: Reckon he's a soft spot for me Fearghal: [makes noise like 'hopefully not too soft' but is joking, doesn't need to be that kind of priest] Kaitlin: I don't wish you were here Fearghal: How could he not, with the charm [but just jk like] Is it better, in some ways Kaitlin: It's...[trails off cos we all know even if there's less hassle it's not better as far as she's concerned and the loneliness is a real mood] I'm buzzing you got out [genuine but her voice is sad] Fearghal: Your turn next, I mean it Kaitlin: After we get a few birthday's under Niamh's belt [pauses because it's sinking in how stuck she is for now] and the rest, give 'em a fighting chance Fearghal: Yeah Fearghal: I'll make it easier, any which way I can Kaitlin: Me too, for you, I mean Fearghal: I'm grand, honest but cheers [more pips] I am outta shrapnel though so- Kaitlin: Don't be putting honest on a lie [frustrated sigh because nobody wants this to end but she wouldn't have money] speak Sunday and like I said, watch yourself Fearghal: Love ya, K ['cos no time to take the piss for it or protest] Kaitlin: [let's say she gets cut off before she can say it back for the pain]

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

what she says: i'm fine.

what she means: lotor, despite much of the fandom's insistence, is far from his father's son. he establishes himself as principled and opposing the galra empire from his very first moment of introduction in s3e1, when he condemns it for subjugating its colonized people and controlling them through fear when it would be more effective (and moral) to accept them as equals and allow self-rule. lotor gives this speech to an entire arena of ruthless galra empire soldiers, who believe that every ideal coming out of his mouth is a sign of weakness; galrans like throk were planning to seize power for themselves and usurp lotor precisely because of these perceived weaknesses.

this speech, while charismatic, does not set up lotor as a genius manipulator hungry for power--in fact, it says something entirely different, that lotor genuinely believes in the ideals he is claiming and will not compromise them for power's sake. otherwise, he ought to have appealed in the most effective way by preaching the strength of galran might and cruelty and striking down throk where he lay.

indeed, lotor opposes and despises the very aspects of an empire that foster tyranny and cruelty. one of the greatest evils of imperialism is the deliberate destruction of a colony's native cultures and people in order to quash rebellion and nationalism. lotor, however, values individuals, their cultures, and their need for self-determination, seen in his advocacy and practice of self-rule even in an arena (and universe) dominated by a people who consider the very concept disgusting; his hatred for haggar, particularly for her methods of exerting absolute control over other people (even accusing zarkon, who before was portrayed as the figure of ultimate evil in the universe, of simply being a puppet for haggar's machinations); his generals that he fights alongside "like a lowly private," all sneered at for being half-galra or less; his confession about the first planet he had ever been assigned to, in which he worked alongside their leaders, learned their customs, and only harvested quintessence sustainably; and his deep conviction that his altean heritage is a strength, despite his father and entire society insisting that it makes him weak, and spending centuries traveling the universe in search of the remnants of the culture his father destroyed.

many also try to argue that lotor should be reviled for being a cold-blooded murderer. however, one should acknowledge that team voltron are more than likely murderers as well after a fashion, killing the same sort of people. the story also makes it clear that lotor experiences guilt after killing someone, does not do so unless he believes it necessary to his survival (or part of haggar's plans), and finds the galra empire's sadism reprehensible. there are multiple situations in which any other galra would've performed cruelty with deliberate glee, but which lotor is far from-- puig, in which his second-in-command acxa explicitly orders them to "kill no one" despite the planet's alliance with voltron; throk, who, although deceived, is not publicly executed to quell threats to lotor's power as throk and everyone in the arena expected (and would certainly have done themselves); his fights with voltron, in which lotor tests whether he can expect them to survive the transreality rift and nothing else; zethrid's aggressive impulses, which lotor frequently and repeatedly check; and the months in between s3 and s4, in which lotor is confirmed by both team voltron and haggar to have essentially vanished and abandoned the emperor's duties.

in fact, there are only three occasions where it's confirmed that lotor killed someone-- raht (the spy haggar sent to observe him in s3e5), narti, and zarkon. on all occasions, lotor believed (correctly for the first two) that haggar was using them, and it's well-established that lotor despises haggar and her puppetry to a high degree. raht, as the average galran officer, and zarkon, for obvious reasons, are people we're meant to have little sympathy for; most of the contention comes with narti's death in s4e3. however, at that moment, lotor's base was under attack by several galran fleets, and his life, the lives of his generals, and the sincline ships were in direct danger. considering his childhood, the circumstances of his exile, his opposition to the empire, and the knowledge that both haggar and zarkon were completely comfortable with and indeed ordered for his death, one can safely judge that lotor is not a healthy character, and that his life has been dominated by survival and the expectation that the galra empire will eventually destroy anything he tries to accomplish if he does not thwart them first with extreme prejudice (his certainty that there's a spy after only 3 detected anomalies in a day in s3e5, and his instant assumption that bugs must have been placed on their ship in s4e3). he concludes that narti betrayed them as the only person to have come with him to galra central command, either by botching the scans for bugs or otherwise; narti is directly threatening his life and plans; he must kill narti immediately.

after all 3 murders, lotor displays signs of guilt despite some insistence that he doesn't experience any. after killing raht, his following confrontation with haggar is comparatively much more impulsive and characterized by an outburst of anger when lotor is more commonly restrained, even when accused of the exact same thing in s5e1 by allura (being like his father). both narti and zarkon's deaths are followed by periods of listlessness and apathy.

when he comes to after being stunned by acxa, he doesn’t respond with outrage or violence. he simply says, “i understand, zethrid--you do what you must. and i’ll do what i must,” ejects zethrid, and flees without further attack. his intent, like his generals, is survival, and is the farthest from lashing out against the betrayal than any other galran officer would be.

indeed, lotor is far from his father's son--and the implications that lotor is somehow reprehensible and deserves the amount of vitriol he commonly receives, simply because he has his own plans/methodology separate from team voltron and the shallow but frequent take of Gray Morality™ from his fairly complex character, betrays tumblr culture's tendency to demand black-and-white morality from content producers.

(this could also be compared to the collective hatred of "kuron/clone shiro/fake shiro/#not my shiro" when it can be concluded since his first appearance that he's more than likely "the real shiro," namely because haggar would otherwise have no reason to believe that shiro was even missing in the first place. team voltron didn't realize until they were in the black lion themselves, and they certainly would've tried to conceal it afterwards. why send a spy to infiltrate a team if you think the person you're trying to imitate is still there? at the very least, he has the exact same memories and desires as "the real shiro," would not be conscious of anything wrong about his behavior if it is at all influenced by something, and is therefore hardly to blame for anything about his current circumstances.)

[strawberry-milktea]

Hi! I'm one of your followers and I saw the post you reblogged about hell misconceptions and how it said "Occult practices are not harmless." I'm the anon who asked recently about astrology, personality tests, and MBTI, and I was wondering if you had an answer for me. I'm finding myself getting further away from astrology and more interested in MBTI which I consider an "improvement" but I'm still concerned because of Jung's occult practices

and Christians who say all personality tests are claiming humans know more than God does. Also, a personal thing I would like to share is that my former best friend completely changed personalities after getting a tarot reading, and this has greatly concerned me.     Basically what happened was, we went to an amusement park and she strayed from the group we were in. Later I found out she had gone to a stand where she got a tarot reading and became very insistent that “everything the tarot card reader is true/coming true”. I don’t know what all the predictions were but at the time they seemed pretty harmless like one I do recall is she said the reader said she’d develop feelings for an old friend and she started liking this guy she went to middle school with.      So I honestly didn’t see it as too bad at the time because it just seemed fake. But she then got EXTREMELY strange like she filmed herself burning a book of Bible passages and put it on YouTube, she began calling herself a “demon” and putting evil and disturbing images on social media, and posting things against God and Jesus that I can’t even type out without feeling physically sick. Like just pure blasphemous outrageous things that I honestly wish I could un-see because they were so sickening.            Btw, she used to be a youth minister at our church, so trust me when I say this was a drastic change. My parents know about this, but my dad doesn’t think it’s actual demonic influences on her and she is just playing “The devil made me do it” excuse. I truly think she changed after the tarot event, but some people say “She was like that all along and just hiding it from you” which could also be true. Nothing surprises me anymore tbh and losing her was really saddening.Plus she began doing illegal drugs and drinking so maybe substance abuse had some impact on her psychological state… I honestly don’t know but I do pray for her and can’t believe this happened. My other friends got involved in similar stuff and I don’t talk to anyone from my high school anymore. They are the ones who ditched me, but honestly I sometimes feel better about not being associated with then anymore even though I am worried about all of them and still think about them.     I’ve been able to see through a false prophet’s teachings, I have tried to abandon old beliefs that contradict Christianity, I am becoming more critical of things that go against God, and I am just trying to avoid “gateways” that could lead me to straying from God, mainly tarot readings and drugs since those are the things I see as having had the biggest influence on my friends (and luckily I do neither of those things though I have been curious about both, I admit).            But I’m thinking there are things I was involved with that could potentially be bad that I’m only opening my eyes to now, like the zodiac stuff I’m trying to get away from, so that’s why I wanted to ask you about these things, no matter how “harmless” they seem to the general public. Thank you so much for your answers, I appreciate it and hope you can give me some of your advice and guidance. God bless you and thank you again!            — Hello! I apologize for not having answered your other ask about astrology and MBTI yet. I’m going to work on that as soon as possible. What you’re describing about your friend is very unsettling and sad.. The fact that she has been doing drugs/drinking is something that I believe could have possibly opened her up to spiritual attacks because it serves to lower one’s inhibitions and can definitely cause people to behave in ways they normally wouldn’t:

“Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes? Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine. Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly! In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. Your eyes will see strange sights, and your mind will imagine confusing things. You will be like one sleeping on the high seas, lying on top of the rigging. ‘They hit me,’ you will say, ‘but I’m not hurt! They beat me, but I don’t feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?’” - Proverbs 23:29-35

I know that when I’m feeling tired and weak, that’s when I often get spiritual attacks. Demons know when your guard is down and try seizing the opportunity to attack. So people who have lowered their guard with alcohol or drugs are prime targets. What’s also important to note is when people dabble with witchcraft/the occult, one means of attempting to communicate with spirits is the consumption of alcohol and/or mind-altering drugs in an attempt to “open” one’s mind. And I think the lowering of inhibitions can and does definitely open people up to spirits, but not any that are good or that you’d want to talk to. However, to someone who isn’t aware of the fact that demonic spirits prey on those who are unknowingly seeking them out, demons can masquerade themselves as whatever they want, even loved ones who have passed away. This might be getting a little off topic, but I think it’s something worth sharing. One prominent example I remember of demons trying to masquerade as a loved one in attempt to cause destruction involved this psychic named Sylvia Brown who used to go on various talk shows years ago and do “readings” for people and promote her books. One woman who came on her show wanted a reading about her daughter who had been missing for quite sometime. She wanted to know if her daughter was still living. The psychic insisted that her daughter was no longer alive. Reality was, her daughter was still alive. She was being held captive and eventually escaped. I do believe this psychic received that message, but she was clearly communicating with something that wanted to do all it could to keep this young girl suffering in captivity. It wanted people to think she was dead and give up on looking for her. And this is just one example proving how demons try to manipulate psychics/mediums in an attempt to destroy and further proof as to why mediums/psychics should never been sought after.I’m sorry to hear that this girl and the other friends you mentioned have turned away from Christ.. I hope they find their way back to Him and develop a true relationship with Him. It’s good that you still think of them and pray for them. Keep praying for them, don’t give up on that..It’s really good that you are able to recognize false teachings and have a desire to turn away from things that go against Him! It sounds like you are growing in your faith and relationship with Christ. I will give you a thorough response when I answer your question regarding astrology and MBTI, but the general statement I can make regarding that is something the world deems as “harmless” can very well be spiritually harmful. And if you feel convicted to avoid something, you most certainly should - no matter what anyone else says.

[united-we-stand-politics]

Another Trumpet Bites The Dust

So, I got called a "creep" for defending Biden against this dumb fuckery. I'm a creep because they were embarrassed...... not because they reflected for TEN SECONDS and realized, okay you have a point. This DOES make me look like a hypocrite and quietly deleting the post hoping no one else would see it. They did it because they knew DAMN WELL how WRONG they really were and can't stand how much they embarrassed THEMSELF. The typical Chump supporter is a fellow narcissist and the narcissistic personality can never admit fault, even when they're caught RED HANDED. They post all this crap about Holy Trump this, and Godsend Trump that, and then post something criticizing another for the EXACT SAME THING?! There's a word for that.

hypocrite

 noun

hyp·​o·​crite | \ ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit  \

Definition of hypocrite

1: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

I wonder if they realize that they are the literal definition of this word when it comes to definitions 1 and 2? 🤣🤣

So, here's what happened. Sean Hannity tried to make a big deal of #JoeBiden kissing his own granddaughter on the lips. I don't BELIEVE that I have to explain this, but some families do that. I kiss my daughter on the cheek, but she's a mouth kisser. So, I kiss her on the mouth. I researched this a few years ago when she started doing this as I was raised to kiss the cheek and felt weird about it. What I found was that child psychologists say there's nothing wrong with it and in fact, encourage it in some instances. Truth be told - there's no "right way" to show affection to your children, loved ones and that any affection shown to a child is a good thing.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-election/biden-kiss-granddaughter-lips-hannity-trump-ivanka-a9315351.html

Now, it's one thing to talk about someone politically, but to say the things that some are saying about him is just plain wrong. Imagine someone said that about you...?! Not to mention the fact that the guy these people support has ACTUALLY been ACCUSED of sexual assault by over FIFTY women, two of which were minors, one of which came out with her allegations against Trump and Epstein BEFORE the election and BEFORE Epstein was EVER accused by anyone else!!! 😲😲

https://www.snopes.com/news/2016/06/23/donald-trump-rape-lawsuit/amp/

I find it rather hypocritical, ignorant and foolish, (not to mention embarrassing), how Trump's base constantly accuses others of doing the same exact shit that Trump does, with NO EVIDENCE to back up their claims WHATSOEVER. That is HIS granddaughter and she seemed perfectly content to me. You'd think they'd learn after they got caught doctoring that one video of Joe Biden, Jeff Sessions and his grandkid. It turns out that the video was doctored by a "YouTuber". (Surprise, surprise.) They call these "deep fake" videos, mostly purported by the right.

Furthermore, by their own standards, Trump HAS to be a child molester. If pictures of kissing a family member on the mouth makes one a child molester, than he is guilty as all get out. I highly doubt they would like to address the PLETHORA of pictures and videos of Trump inappropriately touching his daughter at young ages? Or do they not know anything about that? (Of COURSE they know.) Or is it okay because no matter what that PIG does, people back him up anyway because the non-existent-never-gonna-happen wall is more important? (Racism at it's HEIGHT).

Picture 1:

Ivanka and her Dad at age 14. His hand is under her breast. He must be a child molester!

Picture 2:

Ivanka at age 14 being inappropriately touched by her father.

Picture 3:

At age 17 sitting on her Dad's lap. Sorry. That's a bit inappropriate in my OPINION. He must be a child molester.

Picture 4:

Ivanka at age 15. Her Dad's hand around her hip again. I find this also inappropriate. He must be a child molester per your observations.

Pictures 5-7:

The Trumps in 2017. His hand is on her hips while his fingers rest on his daughter's ASS. DEFINITELY not cool. He must be a child molester!!

Pictures 8-9:

And last but not least, TRUMP KISSING HIS OWN DAUGHTER ON THE LIPS.

They walked into that one, just like Hannity did. He's the epitome of a hypocrite, so I'd steer clear of repeating anything he says if you folks want people to ever take you seriously.

Now, at the end of the day, I ALWAYS do my research. I read...a LOT... and I am VERY intelligent. I know the difference between real accusations and a smear campaign, especially after Trump got CAUGHT smearing Biden, Yovanovich, and several others. (This is why you can't just spew forth anything that comes to the top of your head. No one believes you - even when you're telling the truth.) Now... Joe Biden is one of those touchy feely people. I'M A TOUCHY FEELY TYPE OF PERSON. I DARE someone to call ME a child molester. Im not Joe!! I'll find you and beat the fuckin brakes off of you. But, since Joe IS A GOOD PERSON, he put out a statement saying he understands why some might misconstrue his intentions. That's funny, because I sure the hell can't. I can tell you that I am a VERY affectionate person and no one has EVER accused me of such a thing. Why? Besides the obvious, it's not NORMAL to compare a touchy feely personality WITH A CHILD MOLESTER!!!!!!!!!! What the actual fuck, man? I'm sick of these dirty politics and Russian propaganda in my face every day. No offense to the Trump supporters on my buddy list, but if this post describes you, than you need to WAKE UP. Joe took the HIGH ROAD. He not only answered to his incredible allegations, and said that he would work on not being so touchy feely in the future.

https://youtu.be/1jc5Ec8SWQk

So, now all you have left is the very real lawsuit against Trump for RAPING a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. Make a post of your outrage at this incident or SHUT THE FUCK UP because no one worth a fuck is falling for it.

I will also explain WHY this doesn't make sense EITHER WAY you spin it, to those of you who STILL just don't GET IT. Let's say for shits and giggles that yesterday I posted something nasty about another clean addict on the methadone clinic and said that they weren't really clean. Then today, I post something else congratulating a different methadone patient on their "sobriety". Now, would you be able to take ANYTHING I said in the future regarding addiction, or anything else for that matter, seriously? No. Of course you wouldn't. Why? Because you would have seen that I had contradicted myself via hypocrisy. You would have seen that I had already stated that I don't believe such a person is clean, so why the FUCK would I congratulate someone for something I believed they were NOT. I WOULDN'T. I'm not a hypocrite. You do the math. 😉😉❤❤

[its-moopoint]

I don't even know what to think at this point. Conflicting, confusing and disingenuous. I think of real A-listers like Aidan Turner or Tom Hardy. No games, open about GFs and, of course, his beautiful and talented wife (TH). They don't do SM for public consumption. I value your opinion and really enjoy your blog. I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure I can do this fandom any more as the drama and games are really too much. TY

You and I both anon, we are the same person here. Thanks for your words but I can’t really take much credit because most of the time (like 95% actually) the stuff I post is (awesomely) produced by other bloggers. I do appreciate you valuing my opinion though and I already apologize for making your head spin with my hopes and doubts. One minute I’m certain of something then something comes up that makes me doubt...it’s such a rollercoaster. I’m fairly new here, just a few months blogging actually. I fell in love with Outlander the books last summer, discovered the show, Sam and Cait in September and came to lurk in Tumblr in October. Became a shipper because I love the idea of S&C being together and I was outraged at the harassing those two twitter ogres that call themselves Sam’s friends were inflicting on said group.Letting those two into the Outlander fandom was the biggest mistake done here in my opinion. The rest, I consider it games, which sometimes are fun and sometimes not so. As I mentioned, I came here with the “movie” already halfway through so I’ve been catching up reading tidbits while it was still moving forward. Hardest thing here? Figuring out the damn plot, because every theory you come up with makes certain sense but no one fits completely. As I see it, this is where the games come in. There’s always something wrong when taking in the whole picture. Rooting for S&C doesn’t mean I don’t contemplate all possible scenarios here.

You can have S&C in a real relationship with tons of receipts to support that then you have IFH and different SO thrown in. You can say IFH was fake to hide a real relationship between them because no matter who says otherwise IT.IS.DONE. (In this entertainment business lying is done) but then you can also believe the denial was real because Cait had a boyfriend and was uncomfortable with all the rumors. But wait, then you can doubt this too cause she would’ve changed her behaviour leading to those rumors in the first place but she didn’t. You can say T and C have been together all this time cause he is always there by her side but then you remember she didn’t dedicate any words to him at her BAFTA speech and that we haven’t seen any PDA between them whereas she and Sam are very touchy feely. They wouldn’t behave like that if she was with someone else would they? Unless S is gay and all involved know there’s no real threat here. And so on and so forth. Head spin. Head spin. Head spin.

Sure it’s easy to understand why I, like my anon, am confused here. I really envy people on both sides that have no doubts whatsoever. Not because knowing the truth would change or mean anything for me personally, it’s their lives and their business but because here, not knowing any of them just looking from the outside at their actions, well there are some of those actions that in certain scenarios would make them look nice or like really really bad people. This won’t affect my enjoying the show when the time comes for it to be aired again but it changes my interaction with everything that has to do with it and also leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Why? Because by being interested in the actors (apart from their characters) I’m trying to find people to look up to, which is very hard nowadays sadly, so to think you’ve found them then be let down (it’s already happened to me, hello Jen Aniston. I would tell you guys about that if any of you is interested to hear but in a different day and post, this is taking already too long)... sour taste indeed.So yeah, sorry for the rant but if I am being honest this is where I am at right now. It’s been a tough couple of days for me in general and I’m sure that has affected my perception of everything so thanks to my anon for his/her ask that’s allowed me to put this out here and thank you guys for reading and listening. 

[sleeptight-grimrite]

Why it is so hard to believe that there are many fans (most of them I'd say) who would trash Alex the same way for posting something that insults any religion? That many of them feel insulted with this Jesus fan art (even though it was only supposed to show how much they admire Alex - still, a stupid way to do that - when Taylor's post is a straight up, unnecessary insult)? Is insulting race or culture wrong, but with religion it's all fine? Sorry for mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.

Why is it hard to believe? I’ll tell you why.

Can you show me a post where someone reblogged that Alex as Jesus picture throwing the fit that people are throwing over Taylor’s post? Can you provide me with proof that people are and have been just as outraged? No, you can’t. And that’s my point. I don’t think many of you realize how easy it is to see through this bullsh*t gaslighting about how Taylor’s post was offensive to religion because she – an ATHEIST – posted a silly picture of her calling a cheap Virgin Mary painting a skank. Like, I’ll tell you what I told the last anon (Idk if you’re the same one) – actually think about that for two seconds. No one has provided me with a satisfactory explanation as to how that’s offensive to religion AS A WHOLE. Like…the stupidy genuinely takes my breath away.

You people give yourselves way too much f*cking credit. To think that she spends her time thinking of ways to insult the fandom – the idea that she actually takes time out of her day to single out groups and insult them just because. The idea that someone like Alex would fall in love with someone so vapid and basic is honestly ridiculous and straight up unbelievable to me. I personally give him more credit than that, even though at times she gets on my nerves too. 

Not only that, but what about when Arielle made a post on IG where she posted a scripture? That was offensive to a lot of atheist, but I didn’t see any of them dragging her (well, they did a little bit on her IG comments, but not like Taylor is getting dragged for this). Or what about Alexa comparing fashion to religion? I believe to any sane, reasoning person, that would be sort of like cheapening religion and it’s significance. No one said SH*T. But yall just loooove the exes, right? And it’s just all so fake and phony, like…are you guys kidding me? Stop acting like this is about religion. It’s hard to believe because it’s bullsh*t. You haven’t come for literally anyone else in the AM squad when they do problematic sh*t – she’s the only one. It’s ridiculous.

I actually came across a dossier someone made about her – showcasing all her ‘failings’ which I found amusing. What do you plan to do with it? Show it in some court and sentence her for being problematic? Send her to problematic jail? Or do you plan to show it to Alex himself? So what? He can be all, “Oh thank GOD thank GODD for my fans, reyt? Havin’ me back. You’re the only ones, ya know? ‘Cause I’m a fookin’ idiot with no brain or integrity and I DEFINITELY don’t have any friends or family lookin’ out for me best interest. Tell ya wot, for your fine research and ever enduring loyalty, you all get a piece of this ADT dick.”

Please.

Also, no worries, babe, your English is perfect and you made no mistakes. In your writing, at least. I would encourage you to do some thinking, tho. Like, really examine – what is it you’re truly upset about?

Again, this isn’t about defending her. I’m trying to help ya’ll. You’re setting yourselves up to be hypocrites. Many of you already have. You can’t be pissed about every single thing. Ya’ll are acting like she took away your Christmas tree, it’s pathetic. And I just feel like – no, I KNOW – that the real, devout Catholics and Christians secure in their faiths aren’t bothered by that sh*t. 

[mad-as-a-box-of-frogs]

I'm not on twitter what is happening there with Samantha?

(I’m assuming this is regarding my tag complaining)

Just for context, I wasn’t referring to any recent event, or anyone directly interacting to yell at her, this was more about my own observations about how some parts of SPN twitter seem to mix their hatred of Mary with their opinion of Sam, and how people seem to be constantly up her ass. In this case, I was specifically thinking about how several weeks ago (but weeks after her breast cancer announcement) people were dragging up old things she said to mock her, act personally offended etc. (putting below the cut because the screencaps are so large)

For the record, I think Sam was trying to make a teasing joke that just didn’t land at all, but this should never be the response, especially when everyone knew (by 7/25/20) that she had cancer omg!!! This might be coming from the ‘Issa joke’ crowd, but I find it really distasteful. You don’t have to like what she says, but this should never be the response. 

Someone else (sorry this timeline is out of order) felt the need to bring up Sam’s controversial tweets about destiel from years ago. Notice the amount of likes and retweets :-///

To be fair, I found her comments at the time to be rude and hurtful against queer shippers trying to find something of themselves in their favorite characters. It was a huge clusterfuck at the time, and people were rightfully pissed (not about her not shipping destiel, about her calling it “completely fabricated and irrelevant interpretations”). I get while that alone will always have older fans wary of her. That being said, I’ve never seen her say anything like that since, and I have seen at least one more positive interaction between her and destiel since then.  Not to mention Jensen has had a long history of slowly becoming more comfortable with destiel, and people don’t get on his case as much. (Also Idk what ‘jokes about Misha’ op was referring to, but Misha loves her so no need to get fake outraged on his behalf :-///)

What I find problematic here is that the OP of the tweet was digging up something she had said five years ago, conflating Sam with her character (fandom’s unbridled hatred of Mary being a kettle of misogynistic fish all on its own), all for the sake of kicking up more wank so people that were mostly likely not even in the fandom at the time can get outraged. All a few weeks after Sam’s cancer announcement!!! I mean, JFC, if you can’t keep your outrage contained, at least keep it to the groupchats for the time being.

Idk, man, I know it’s not a requirement to worship the ground the actors walk on just for being in Supernatural (there’s actors i don’t like for one reason or another), and Sam is allowed to be criticized same as any other person, but parts of twitter fandom seem to have turned her into an easy target less for what she actually says and more for the character she used to play imo. The whole burst of activity just came off as one hell of a time to get outraged over comments she’s made in the past.

I’m hoping with all the outpouring of support that’s been shown to her lately, people will at least keep their nasty comments to themselves. 

[mustlovelance]

VLD frequently putting lance in roles and situations other continuations put allura in (or other shows put their One Girl in) actually does raise some really interesting questions re: the fandom outrage at lance allegedly being shafted by the show. like, i'm not trying to ascribe any -isms to anyone, but i'm not sure it's a coincidence that the character people claim isn't given important tasks or reaching his full potential is also the one whose primary service to the team is emotional labor.

oh, anon, i like you. 

that’s why i’m not into black paladin lance. i think emotional labor/support is a crucial role, and one that i’m far more interested in.

before i start rambling, i want to make something clear to anyone reading this. i’m not saying that everyone who wants to see lance as the leader rather than support thinks this way. however, my recent revelation highlighted to me a possible explanation for some people who have that preference.

the issue isn’t the emotional labor/support role in itself. lifting others up and helping them reach their potential is an amazing, beautiful thing. the issue is that this role is undervalued and never in the spotlight. 

like i keep saying, lance is the equivalent of the support role in an MMO. i specifically reference overw/atch because that game features the “play of the game”, which very rarely directs that spotlight towards the support characters, even if that play of the game only happened because of them. 

if you’re down a DPS (offense character), you can still get by, but if you’re down a healer, you’re in serious trouble. because the healer helps everyone, everyone suffers when the healer isn’t there.

lance struggles so much because he thinks he should be a DPS, someone who performs the flashy heroics that save the day and earn praise, but he’s actually the support character. 

i don’t think people are accustomed to seeing a male character in such a role, which is why some of them are eager for him to fall into a more traditionally masculine (and thereby valued) role, such as the leader. that is how they want him to prove his worth–by becoming something else. 

i also agree that it doesn’t necessarily mean that these people are sexist. they might be, sure, but they might also be frustrated by how The Girl gets treated in most media (less valued) and assume that lance would receive the same treatment for fulfilling that role. i can easily see those dealing with internalized misogyny lashing out at this as well. 

but truly, i think lance is already where he needs to be–he and the rest of the team just need to recognize it. 

allura and the red lion would agree with me. lance’s demonstration of devotion to the team is something that earns the red lion’s respect, especially since it involved keith. on the surface, lance desires glory above all else, but when it really comes down to it, he always chooses the team, and he always will. 

what really nailed that down for me was that lance passed the spotlight back to allura when she offered it to him; look at how happy he is in that moment. he doesn’t want the flashy recognition that comes with being a leader like allura or keith, not really. he wants to see his awesome friends whom he adores succeed. this is what truly makes him happy. 

and this, being the big damn hero, is what he thinks will make him happy, but it’s all fake. that isn’t even how he perceives his friends, as we saw from him gushing about them to laika. 

why do people love lance? is it because he’s cool and dashing and heroic, or is it because he’s selfless and compassionate and empathetic? 

i propose another route to dealing with lance’s insecurities–that lance’s character arc will be about himself and others recognizing what a valuable role he plays as support. 

the reason why the revelation about the parallels between the 80′s allura/vld lance scenes excited me so much was that it all but tells us outright that this is the writers’ intention. if they’re knowingly putting vld lance into a female character’s role, and insisting on dragging out lance’s insecurity arc over several seasons, i am very optimistic that the conclusion of such arc will be related to valuing the support role more. lance is in the background right now, to many peoples’ frustration, but that may be intentional, to build up to this arc. i could be totally wrong, and they’ll actually sideline him forever, but this recent parallel has made me more confident in my optimism. 

does this mean i think lance couldn’t lead? absolutely not! i’ve written metas about his leadership abilities (pep talk delivery, team awareness, cautiousness, etc.), and my problem with season 3 was that lance was shown to lead better than keith did at the beginning. lance is perfectly capable of leading, playing a dual leadership/support role in which he treats his teammates as equals and knows how to utilize their strengths, but i think he can actually do better than that by focusing on the role he already plays. i’d find such an arc so much more satisfying. it also removes the implications that leadership is the only way to prove oneself/be valuable to a team.