#if nothing else understand your own limitations in ever changing someone's mind for them and let it go lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kithtaehyung · 2 years ago

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busted (3tan) (teaser) | myg

teaser: busted (m) (3tan10) pairing: 3tan!yoongi x reader(f) , jungkook x reader(f) series: masterlist | three tangerines | fireworks | house party | basketball | stay | sidewalk talk | friends | dalo | like that | anytime | sundress season | yoongi’s interlude | forfeit | flutter | video call rating/genre: m (18+) ; [redacted] ; brother’s best friend au, implied age gap au summary: [redacted lol just trust me] note: alright, listen.. the chapter is coming along but plans and life got in the way so i wasn’t able to get it done before tour. however, i do have a lot of it written/halfway done, so i feel comfortable enough to offer y’all a teaser and will finish it out once i’m done with this trip. i do hope y’all understand, 3tan is coming back v v soon ! :’)) note 2: as for the rest of this chapter.. fuck lol warnings: none for teaser, final list to be named on drop day! est. drop date: late may - early june 2023 teaser wc: 1.8k est. total wc: 15-18k

Here goes nothing and everything.

It was fifteen years ago when you first met Jungkook. When the sidewalks in your neighborhood were fewer and the occupancy in your house was higher.

A tiny boy, he was immediately ready to stay by your side, despite the limited amount of time he got to hang around before his parents corralled his energy back inside their car.

Later on, he would tell you that had something to do with them not wanting him influenced by your brother and his group. But you didn’t know that at the time.

Ever since the two of you met, you became the best of friends. And as you grew older, it was only natural that feelings bloomed with everything else.

In the midst of an ever changing garden, you found something that never wavered, vibrant in color and immovable at its root.

Which was strange. You’d never compared people to flora before him.

But, because of Jungkook, you couldn’t help but see everyone as such—lilies, buttercups, the ones that trap to survive.

And he was the prettiest, strongest flower of them all.

There was rain. There were storms. But with them came hope, and a pair of cheap rings that the two of you bought nestled nicely in boxes, waiting to be unearthed when you were ready.

However.

What also came was a lesson. One that you would learn again when two of every seat remained unused in your household.

A lesson that people are more like seasons than flowers.

They change with or without you.

And they pass by.

“We can go somewhere quieter if you want,” Jungkook offers. And you know he’s going to suggest your room before he even utters the words.

But of course he adds a small, “If I’m allowed in there anymore.”

When he laughs, your smile is as slow as your head shake, a few memories of old tasting bittersweet on your tongue. “We can.”

“Okay.”

When you make your way to your room, you hear the thumps of music and rhythms of conversation—both casual and loud—echoing throughout the house. Some people are sharing laughs, others are scooting just a bit closer, and a lucky one is cackling before demanding that everyone hand over their money.

All of them oblivious to the fact that you’re about to rip off a piece of your heart.

Well. That may not be the case. But based on the conversation that you had with Jungkook before your interview, this wasn’t going to be an easy one in the slightest—not for him, nor for you.

But if he’s gonna keep pushing forward, this is a stop you need to put up regardless.

During a party isn’t what you had in mind, though. Much less one in your own house.

You don’t know if anyone sees you open your door for Jungkook to pass through, or if they notice the slump of your mood, but you figure no one will care anyways.

Until you see someone out of the corner of your peripheral.

And the skip of your heart tells you who it is.

Occupying one of the hallways a ways away, you can tell he’s very aware of you despite being in the middle of a chatty group.

But what’s on his mind? Is he worried? Is he gonna ask what this is about?

Damn it. You’re just gonna have to tell him later. You can’t exactly do anything now.

A voice peeps from behind your tense shoulders,

“You okay?”

Fuck.

Turning, you nod to the boy in your room before shutting your door, giving one more look to the man whose last text you couldn’t read.

And the way he stares makes you wanna bolt from everyone entirely.

When your door clicks shut, you slowly swivel, only the bass of your brother’s music pushing the walls in closer.

Jungkook’s doing exactly what you knew he’d do, wandering around your room and either leaning in to observe, or lightly touching things that he remembers.

The soft puff of a laugh snaps you into focus. “I can’t believe you still have all his medals up.”

Ah. He even remembers the way you have all your brother’s trophies and achievements displayed—all because you liked seeing them shine, and he didn’t want them in his room.

Sweeping your gaze along two of your walls, you let out a tiny sound of amusement while agreeing, “I can. Too lazy to take them down.”

“I can do it,” he immediately responds. “If you need me to.”

If it had been five years ago, you would’ve been enamored that he even offered.

But five years ago is when he shattered any hopes you had for the two of you, so you turn him down yet again. “It’s okay.”

“You sure?”

“We’re here to talk, not decorate, Jungkook.”

He stares before nodding in dejection, eyes finding something other than you. “It’s still weird to hear you say my name.”

It’s weird to say it.

But you can’t let him know you agree, so the sound you make is half-cautious and weakly lighthearted. “You think so?”

“Ah, yeah.” He flashes a smile that still squeezes air from your lungs. “I’d gotten too used to all the names you had for me.”

“Oh, god.”

“But I guess someone else gets to hear them now.”

Goddamn it. He’s not gonna give up, just like he said right before your interview.

“Who are you seeing?”

“Kook…”

“I wanna know.”

“Why?”

He walks over to your nightstand, picking up a picture of you and your friends from years back.

And your heart pangs at how big his back has become.

Without turning, Jungkook lifts his head to stare at your ceiling. And if he’s wondering whether the glow stars he stuck all over it are still there or not, you don’t know if you’d admit that you never took them down.

“So that I’d know if I still have a chance.”

“You already had yours,” you whisper. “Remember?”

And when you look up, he’s already staring at you with regret.

Memories start to come back, but you shove them away with force, trying to empty your sinking boat with a teaspoon.

Every time he had walked back from school with you, every time he would make you laugh when you felt alone, every time he stayed at your place when your brother had to be out—all of them competed with each other to punch you in the gut and push you to your knees.

“I do,” is all he says before softly placing the frame on your bed. “I fucked that up, didn’t I.”

The times he said he’d be there when you needed him, the times he said it was gonna be okay when you struggled with your seemingly deepest darkest secrets.

All the times you knew you’d have a long future with him.

“You did.”

Everything leading up to the time he said you should break up before you left for university.

Right before you were going to tell him you loved him.

Your heart hasn’t beat in awhile, but you don’t notice until Jungkook starts walking towards your planted feet. Was he really so far away? How did he cover the distance between so fast?

With a sigh occupying your chest, you muse that he looks so different, but also not different at all.

And, just like the time you saw him downtown, your brain doesn’t know how to separate the Jungkook you knew from the one you see in front of you.

Because they are still the same.

You don’t budge as he stands resolute, inches away but encasing you in his familiar presence. When his hand comes up to your face, he almost touches—but the slight hesitation has you holding your breath before he surrenders his hand at his side.

“I was an idiot,” he admits, throat seemingly small and making yours the same size. “I never should’ve… I can’t believe I…”

You watch as he flips his head up, and you hate how you know exactly what he’s trying to hide.

But your soul still remembers the wound it was dealt. So while you don’t want him feeling this way, you’re perfectly okay to fight back.

He doesn’t get to cry when he’s the reason for all those tears.

“And yet you did,” you remind him, proud of how stable your voice leaves lips that used to seek his. “And you left me so fucking confused.”

“I know.”

“Do you really?”

He flickers regretful eyes your way, giving you all the room to talk.

And you’re going to.

“Do you actually know, Kook? How fucked up that made me feel right before going where I knew nobody. No one.”

His nostrils flare while eyebrows flinch.

You expel a tough breath, everything that happened before bubbling up to the surface. Nights you spent wondering what happened, days you spent feeling unwanted, times you felt so fucking alone.

“Is it true that you even loved me?”

“Yes,” he finally shatters, face contorting and eyes welling at their rims. “Of course I did.”

Did.

“I still do.”

Liar.

“I thought I was the only one.” You search his eyes, hating how you would comfort him in an instant if this were any other circumstance. Hating, hating, loathing that this is how you find out your love wasn’t unrequited. “Why did you push me away?”

“I didn’t—I didn’t mean to…” He turns, unable to handle the loud silence streaming from your bones. Voice shaken, he flounders, “I don’t know. I’ve—”

When he pauses, it’s to keep his lips from shaking. You just know it.

“I’ve regretted it every day since.”

“Bullshit.”

“I have!”

“Really. So all those texts you never sent were full of regret, too, huh?”

“No, I—”

“All those calls you never made.”

“I wanted to call!”

“You wanted nothing to do with me!”

“No! That’s not true—”

“Liar!”

He digs palms into the soaking divots of his face, tense at all angles and making you so, so angry that this is what the both of you have come to.

“I’m not lying!”

“You are!”

You thought it would feel better seeing him cry.

But it’s not, it’s not, it’s not. You hate this.

Because Jungkook made sure your tears were short-lived. Made sure to chase them away every single time—

There’s a rapid twist of your locked doorknob before you hear a shout,

“What the hell’s going on in there!”

Shit, your brother. Were you both yelling?

…Were you both that loud?

“We’re fine!” you shout back, embarrassed that your fight somehow managed to outperform the aux. “It’s okay.”

“Open up.”

“No.”

“You better be serious—”

“Promise!” You spare a look at your door. “We’re okay.”

“…Okay.”

Even though it’s completely silent.

You know damn well he hasn’t left.

Fuck, he can’t hear the rest of this. He shouldn’t have heard any of it in the first place, and you can feel the sear of his questions flaring up later tonight.

Which, you are fine answering when it’s just the two of you. But you cannot have anyone hovering right now so you go to rip the door open and tell him off,

“Dude, I said I’m—”

Oh, fuck.

Yoongi’s right there with him.

And your heart fucking lurches.

tbc. :’)))

ahh how do we feel !! 💌 would you like to buy me a 🍊?

A/N: soooooo here you go before i continue with the rest of vacay!! LMAOO wouldn’t it be so funny if the whole chapter drops by surprise like y’all are wanting it to? just like this? wild.... A/N 2: always always gonna thank everyone that’s reading and supporting the series! there’s gonna be a lot happening in this chapter just like forfeit, so note-taking or bulletpoint format while reading might be a thing again if you wanna be able to remember things.. ahaha. pls give me strength bc i need it T^T ++ more links: ⇥ three tangerines masterlist ⇥ 18+ only taglist! ⇥ masterlist

#ehehehehhehhheh #bts imagines #bts reactions #bts fic #yoongi fic #three tangerines #bts fanfic #yoongi angst #*latest #ryenwrites #teasers #3tan10 #yoongi smut #yoongi #btshoneyhive

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sixpennydame · 1 year ago

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The Better Man | Chapter 8

Previous chapter | Epilogue | Series Masterlist

Read in AO3 here

Content/warnings: alcohol consumption, child abuse and neglect, mentions of death.

A/N: This is it..the final chapter! Thank you to everyone who has read, liked, and reblogged this fic. I hope you've enjoyed all the angst and drama!

There will be a final epilogue coming out next week.

Suggested music:

There’s not a sound around you as you walk through the dark, quiet streets of Trost, still too early for even the bakers and butchers to start their morning shifts. There was no way for you to get a hold of Lars’ horse, so you had to find other ways to get out of the city without Levi tracking you.

You knew he’d search for you.

If you can just get further into Wall Rose, you can make a new life. You’ve done it before.

When Levi said he wouldn’t leave the Survey Corps, you knew in your heart that being together - truly together - was just a dream. You couldn’t watch him go through that gate, wondering if he would ever return. The pain of losing someone again - the fear of losing their bodies or minds to the trauma - you’re not sure you can do it again.

And so this time, you left first.

You’d packed only a few change of clothes in a small pack, along with all the money and valuables you and Lars had.

All except one.

The simple gold band reminded you of the life you no longer had, of the love that was no longer with you. And so you’d left it on the table of your small home with the rent for the remainder of the month and a small letter explaining your departure to your landlady. You’d left nothing for Levi. What good would a letter do?

The easiest and fastest way out of Trost is the ferry that travels along the river, but if you do that, there would be a record of your departure. It wasn’t easy to find an alternative, but you were an Underground rat; your instincts helped you find a smuggler sneaking goods out of the city who was willing to smuggle you out as well. You hand him the payment and step onto the boat, holding the hood of your cape as close to your face as possible.

“You must be pretty desperate not to be found, if you’re leaving like this,” he snickers, but you huddle up closer in a corner, pulling your knees close to you and trying not to think of the hurt and anger in Levi’s eyes when he finds that you are gone.

“Levi…I’m sorry…” you whisper to no one but yourself.

_____

After your disappearance, Levi spent the rest of the week in a rage to find you. He searched every women’s boarding house, every small, forgotten apartment. He checked the ferry and stables for any woman leaving Trost fitting your description. As he searched for you, his heart and mind struggled to understand why - why you would leave, just as your lives could have started again. Had the moment you’d shared together just been a dream? Were the two of you destined to always be apart?

No, Levi didn’t believe that. He creates his own destiny, his own future. And he wants to share that with you. He doesn’t know why you ran away - maybe you’re scared - but he does know that he’ll search every goddamn town in this goddamn, walled world until he finds you.

But every day, every possible lead, gets him no closer from the truth of where you are. Since his search started, he’s barely slept, barely ate, and barely even been to Survey Corp Headquarters. He’s tasked Eld with keeping up the squad’s daily training routine, and although the team doesn’t question his actions, they know it’s only a matter of time until his absences will be noticed by more than just them.

Namely, Erwin.

Levi rides into headquarters disheveled and in a rush. After searching Trost with no sign of you, he suspects that you’ve somehow gotten out of the city undetected and have moved somewhere else within Wall Rose. Although you’re resourceful, he knows it’s not possible for you to have gotten very far with the limited funds you had, and if he leaves now, he just might be able to find some kind of clue in a neighboring town. He stables his horse and goes straight to his room, ignoring any and all corpsmen he passes by. As he packs a small bag, he hears a knock on the door. He ignores it, but the person behind it enters anyway.

“You’re squad tells me you’ve been busy lately,” the baritone voice remarks as the door clicks closed.

“Yeah,” he doesn’t even stop to look at Erwin standing against the doorframe, his arms crossed at his chest, “I have some personal issues to take care of. I’ll be gone for a few days.”

“You know there are certain procedures in place to request leave, Levi.”

“And I don’t have time for that bullshit right now, Erwin.”

“As apt as I am to let you have your way most days, I’m afraid I have to refuse this time.” His gaze was cold, serious.

Levi met his gaze with his own, his stormy grey eyes boring straight into him.

“We have an expedition in two days. Surely you didn’t forget.”

There’s only silence while Levi buckles his pack and slings it over his shoulder. “Eld can lead the squad in my absence. He’s more than capable.” He moves towards the door which Erwin is blocking. “Now get out of my way.”

“I can’t do that.” Erwin stands up straighter, his broad shoulders blocking the way entirely. “You made a commitment to the Corps and to your squad.”

“This is important.”

“More important than the lives of your squad, your comrades in arms?”

“Yes,” Levi replies sternly.

“I know that’s not true.”

Erwin’s right. The lives of the Corps weigh heavily on Levi. He knows the fate of many of them rests in his skill and expertise. His absence could mean many more lives will be lost. Lives like Lars’.

His heart waivers for a moment, torn between his duty and the urgency of finding you. He has to find you. “I have to do this,” he says. “Now move.” When Erwin doesn’t budge, Levi grabs the lapels of his jacket, jerking him down to face him. “I could easily force my way out of here, you know.”

“And you would be charged with attacking your superior officer and punished accordingly,” Erwin answers bluntly. “You’d be held in the brig until a punishment was decided.”

A few seconds pass as both men stare each other down. Then Levi lets go of his lapels and pushes him against the door. He drops his pack on the floor with a heavy thud.

“Fine. Have it your way.” His eyes darken with murderous contempt.

But Erwin doesn’t flinch, only straightening his jacket. “The 104th Cadet Corps is in Trost. When we return from the expedition, we’ll be enlisting new recruits and you can take leave at that time.” He turns his back on Levi as he opens the door. “Now we both have an expedition preparation meeting to get to.”

This bastard…

Levi straightens his ascot, takes a breath, and follows Erwin down the hall to the meeting room.

Two days later, The Survey Corps rides through Trost, to the usual fanfare. It irritates Levi, how fickle the crowd can be: loving them and singing their praises one moment, then cursing them the next. He can hear people talking about him. Fuck, he hates that.

But he looks out into the crowd, hoping you’ll be there, that you’re trying to catch his eye.

“Who ya lookin’ for?” Hange asks, riding beside him.

He snaps his head forward. “Nobody, Four-eyes.”

He’s going to hold Erwin to his promise. After this expedition, he’s leaving Trost to look for you. Nothing and no one is going to stop him.

_____

“Levi!” You yell out, jolting up from your bed.

It’s been the same bad dream the last few weeks since you left Trost, much like the bad dreams you had after Levi rescued you from that brothel so many years ago. But instead of hands grabbing you and clawing at your flesh, it’s titan hands grabbing at Levi and pulling him away from you. You just can’t shake this dark feeling of danger, like something bad is going to happen soon.

Like something is going to happen to Levi.

You wipe your sleepy eyes and find that you’d been crying, something you’ve refused to allow yourself to do since Lars’ death, in an attempt to build that wall up around your heart again. But in the loneliness of the night, your dreams reveal your true self.

The sun is just starting to rise over the wall surrounding Karaness. You’re not really sure why you decided to stop here, in your attempt to evade Levi; it seemed far enough, and you were so tired of hitchhiking. You ended up settling just outside the main part of the district. You’d had enough of walls on all four sides of you. Of being caged in.

And yet.

Your mind had often told you to return to The Underground. That maybe that was the place you truly deserved. You could sneak into Mitras and go back. Although impossible to escape, nobody would think twice if someone wanted to return there; in fact, they'd probably think you’re crazy.

But you couldn’t do it. Levi had sacrificed too much to get you here. You knew he was better off without you, but to go back to that place would be an offense to everything he’s done thus far. He’d told you that he let you go because he thought that was the best for you; that he didn’t deserve you.

Did he understand that your leaving was for the very same reason? Had he realized that and given up looking for you by now?

You got dressed and headed for your job at the local tavern. You never thought you’d be working at a place like this again, but there were no other options. It seems like there are some things you just can’t escape, no matter how hard you try.

As you wipe down the bar and tend to the customers, someone barges through the door.

“Trost has been attacked! That Colossal Titan reappeared and kicked a hole through the wall. It’s five years ago all over again!”

Everyone runs outside, as if expecting to see titans on their own doorstep. Raised voices and chaos are only amplified as the Garrison forces begin moving into the inner, walled district of Karaness, reinforcing both gates.

You run up to a soldier packing canon shells into a wagon to take into town. “What’s happening in Trost?”

“It’s too early to say ma’am. We’ve just been ordered to reinforce the Karaness gates until further notice.”

“But the Survey Corps…were they there? Are they fighting in Trost?” you press, desperate to know anything about Levi.

“Ma’am, I honestly don’t know. We’ve received no other updates,” his voice is stressed. “Now, please.” He gestures for you to move away from the wagon.

You know that if there was an attack on Trost, then more than likely the Corps was there, unless they were on an expedition. There’s a tightness in the pit of your stomach, fearing your dreams are coming true. You need to know if he’s alive.

No sleep comes to you that night, as you toss and turn, thinking about what might have happened to Levi and his squad. You know he’s capable of taking down any titan that crosses his path, but the Colossal Titan is not like any other titan. And if that hole isn’t closed up, then they’ll be overwhelmed with titans in a matter of days.

If Levi was dead, you’d know it, feel it somehow. He’s alive, he’s alive…

And the realization hits you: what a fool you’ve been, thinking you could leave him and all your love for him behind, as if that was a choice your heart even had. You’ve never had a choice when it came to him - even when he left, your love for him had never faded.

You need to see him and make sure he’s ok.

And so in the morning, you decide to leave for Trost.

_____

Levi watches you from the back of your father’s tavern. It’s where he tends to hang out whenever Kenny leaves him for days at a time. He’s a teenager now, so being by himself isn’t too big a deal, but it still gets awfully lonely. And your presence has always filled that loneliness for him, ever since he was a boy.

Word of Levi’s newly found strength had spread throughout the Underground, and so it wasn’t usual for men and women to challenge him to various feats of strength. Tonight, it was arm wrestling, and Levi beat every last one.

“How many have you beaten tonight? Six?” You ask as you walk by his table.

“Seven, but who’s counting,” he replies dryly, as he pulls his arm across his chest, stretching his muscles. You laugh, and he swears it’s the sweetest sound in the world. He wishes he could give you more reasons to laugh, but there were few opportunities in the Underground and it seemed as if it was your father’s goal to make you as miserable as possible.

You walk away from Levi’s table with a tray of beers, not looking at where you’re going and knock into another table. The beers spill everywhere as the pint glasses fall and break onto the floor.

Your father is upon you in an instant, face red from alcohol, anger, or both. “Stupid girl…Can you do nothing right?” He raises his arm and backhands you across the cheek, but before he can land a second blow, Levi is up out of his seat and punches him squarely in the jaw. The entire tavern goes silent when they see your father sprawled on the floor unconscious, then one by one, men start standing and making their way to Levi.

“Let’s go.” He grabs your hand and pulls you out of the tavern and into the dark street. You both run, hand in hand, hiding from the men yelling and running after you, until Levi pulls you into an abandoned building. As he leads you up the stairs and onto the roof, your heart is racing from the frantic running and from the fact that Levi is holding your hand. He doesn’t let go even when he’s decided that you’re in a safe hiding place.

Your hand is sweaty but you don’t let go either. “What are we doing up here, Levi?”

“I’m getting you away from your asshole father, that’s what. I’m tired of watching him hit you. I had to do something.”

“And what are we going to do now?”

Levi thought about it for a few minutes. Honestly, he hadn’t really thought it through when he grabbed your hand and started running. “We’ll run away together.”

“Run away? But where would we even go?”

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out.” He turns to look at you, eyes full of determination. “I can protect you.”

“We’re kids. And my dad is just drunk…he’ll regret what he did when he sobers up.”

“No! It’s not ok, what he does to you. And I’m not a kid. I’ll take care of you.”

“Levi, I —“

You’re cut off by the voice of your father, yelling your name. You peek over the edge of the building and see him stumbling about, spouting half-drunken apologies and requests for you to come home. You look at Levi, defeated.

“Y/n, no.”

You move closer to him, then give him a kiss on the lips. It’s quick and awkward, but it’s enough to make Levi’s eyes go wide.

“I have to go. He needs me,” you say reluctantly. “But someday, we’ll get out of here and be together. I promise.”

You let go of Levi’s hand and walk out of the building, toward your father’s voice.

_____

You weren’t sure what to expect as you made your way to Trost, but the closer you get, the more chaotic it seems. Refugees from the fallen city and the towns surrounding fill the forests and roads. You hear them talk of a rumor that a soldier turned into a titan and was able to block the hole made by the Colossal Titan, but it was too fantastical to even believe.

The walls get closer and there are soldiers everywhere, creating a roadblock that hinders your entrance.

“Sorry, miss. Access to Trost is for the military only.”

“Please… I need to get in.”

“You live here?”

“Well, no, not anymore but -“

“No civilians are allowed until we can confirm the city is secure,” he commands, unmoving.

“Can you just tell me if the Survey Corp is there? Is Captain Levi there?”

“Most of the Survey Corps left a few days ago.” He stands resolute. “It’s not safe here. You should go back wherever you came from.”

You can tell that this soldier is not going to answer any more of your questions. You look around, trying to find any uniforms with the Wings of Freedom emblazoned on the back, but you see none, only Garrison and Military Police.

If you can’t get any answers here, then you’ll just go to Survey Corps Headquarters. There’s a chill in the early spring air as you take the road you’ve traveled countless times. It’s getting dark, but the road is wide and you could ride there in your sleep; you think back to the last time you’d been there, when Lars was still alive.

As you enter the gates, there’s barely a soul to be found. Eventually, you spot a familiar face. “Wilhem…”

He stops when he sees you, a mix of surprise and confusion on his face. “Y/n…what are you doing here?”

“Where is Levi Squad? I need to talk with the Captain.”

“Sorry..I can’t tell you that. It’s classified information.”

“What do you mean?”

He tells you about the cadet who has titan abilities, and about the tribunal. You listen, in shock. It’s impossible.

“What happens next, not even we know. We’re just waiting for Commander Erwin to return with orders.” He pauses. “But everything has changed now.”

“I see.”

“Do you want me to relay a message to the Captain?”

You open your mouth to reply, but then stop and take a moment. “No..no, that’s alright,” and you turn to leave into the night, not really sure of where you’re even going. Wilhelm stops you and offers for you to stay there for the night. You tentatively agree, even though you haven’t stayed here since the argument with Lars, almost two years ago.

At dinner, the few Scouts you know tell you of the attack, of the confusion and devastation, and of the titan that seems to be on our side. They also talk about a rumor that Levi Squad has taken the cadet into their custody, but where and for what purpose, they don’t know.

As you sit there, slack-jawed, listening to their story, it confirms what Levi had tried to tell you before: this world needs him more than you do. If humanity is ever going to find freedom, then it needs Levi to keep fighting. You fear you’re just a distraction from his higher calling.

In the morning, you ride back to Karaness. Maybe it was for the best that Levi wasn’t here. Perhaps it’s time to truly make a life on your own.

_____

Levi wakes up to the sun shining on his face through the window of his cold, musty room. He’d fallen asleep in the armchair again, but it didn’t make a difference to him - the beds in the old Survey Corps Headquarters were barely usable, and he slept even less than usual lately. Each day, more and more Survey Corps members were showing up at the castle; most notably, the new recruits, who seem to know Eren well. Levi had been monitoring him closely these past few weeks, looking for any change in behavior, or any indication of a titan shift; at the surface, he seemed like any other big-eyed cadet with a yearning to make a difference, but Levi could see something else in him. There was a monster deep inside…and when it came out, would Levi really be able to control him? Would anyone?

But that wasn’t the only thing keeping Levi up at night.

He wondered where you were and if you were alright. Had he been wrong about you leaving Trost? What if you’d been hurt, or worse? He’d checked the dead and injured civilians list, and your name was nowhere to be found. You were alive, you had to be alive…

It was torture to not be able to search for you, but once again his duties pulled him away from you, his commitment to the Corps calling him. Erwin needing him.

But had he also not promised to protect you, to keep you safe? He couldn’t help but feel like he’d failed you in that regard; and yet, he told himself that in keeping humanity safe, he was protecting you, the one constant in his chaotic life.

He rubbed his stiff neck and rose from the armchair. They leave for Karaness District today and there’s still much to do. Erwin had arrived at the castle a few days ago and had informed his squad leaders of the deeper plan behind the 57th expedition beyond the walls, but Levi knew there was more he wasn’t telling them. There was a bigger plan at work here, and a look in Erwin's eyes that unnerved even Levi, who probably knew him better than anyone.

A two day ride brought the Corps to the inner gate of Karaness. Erwin thought it best for all squads to camp outside the enclosed part of the district in order to accommodate the large wagons they were hauling. Wagons which were being guarded day and night and that no one was allowed to touch. Soldiers were ordered not to enter the town, in an effort to keep Eren and their plans as guarded as possible.

That night, Levi was quiet, introspective. There was an air of anticipation throughout the camp, as there usually was the night before an expedition, but Levi knew there was something different this time - a new enemy, possibly amongst them. He should be thinking about the mission, about how he’s going to keep Eren protected, but as he cleaned and polished his blades, he looked up at the stars, and wondered where you were.

_____

It was one of the first warm evenings of the early spring, as you climbed the small ladder leading to the roof of your apartment. Whenever the sky was clear, you yearned to see the stars; the freedom and expanse of it all was such a stark contrast to the world you and Levi had been raised in. You smiled, thinking back to the two of you as children, straining to see the sky through a steep crevice opening to the world above, wondering what the stars were made of, straining to count how many there were..

And now, because of him, you were able to see them. You were thankful for the moments you’d been able to share with him in this life. He’d saved you, in more ways than one.

“Levi…wherever you are…be safe..” you said to the stars. They twinkled in response.

You awoke the next morning to the noise of wagons and horses, and the gate into Karaness opening. Confused, you walked downstairs to see what the commotion was about.

“That was the Survey Corps. Their next expedition is departing from Karaness this morning,” one of your neighbors mentions.

“What!?” Without even thinking twice, you begin racing down the street to the gate. If you hurry, you might be able to see them, and catch Levi’s eye. Maybe even get a chance to talk to him, to tell him that you love him, that you’re sorry for leaving.

Pain pierces your side as you run as fast as your legs will allow. But by the time you get there, the gate is closed.

There it is: that feeling of fear you had whenever you saw Lars and Levi ride out of Trost; of helplessness that you can do nothing but wait.

But your fear quickly turns to a bold determination that he will return, and when he does, you will be there.

Surprisingly, you didn’t have to wait long to hear the gate open for their return.

_____

Levi was used to the jeering and cursing of townspeople after an expedition; but this time, it was almost unbearable. His injured ankle was throbbing as he walked through Karaness; however, he refused to ride his horse. He wanted to feel the pain, wanted to feel anything other than this deep sorrow in his heart. The words stuck in his throat as he turned to face Petra’s father.

She was gone. They were all gone.

The noise of the crowd fades away as he continues to walk in a daze.

“Levi…”

The voice is soft and sweet against the ugliness of the jeers. Then a hooded figure comes into view as it quietly walks beside him from a distance.

And it’s like the whole world stops.

He doesn’t have to see your face to know instantly that it’s you. He keeps walking to avoid a scene, but your name escapes his lips in a barely audible whisper.

“I need to talk with you,” you plead, “please.”

If only he could leave with you now; if only you both could leave this place together, leave everything behind.

You tell him the location of your apartment and he promises to be there tonight.

A promise he intends to keep with every fibre of his being.

_____

You pace the floor as you wait for Levi, going over and over in your mind what you’ll say to him.

Then there’s a knock at the door. You take a deep breath and open it.

Levi stands before you, visibly shaken, which is a rare sight, even for all the years you’ve known him. For a moment, he just stands there, then walks past you and into the small apartment.

He’s never been one for words, but the weight of his silence now fills the space between the two of you as he looks around the room.

“You came..” you manage to finally utter.

“Of course I did,” he answers curtly, his voice stressed, “I want some answers.”

He turns to look at you, and you can see the pain on his face, the hurt in his eyes. He’s different.

What happened during this expedition?

“Why did you leave Trost?”

You swallow, mouth suddenly dry. “I couldn’t stay there anymore. I decided it was for the best if I left your life - for good this time.”

Before you can explain further, or apologize, he cuts you off. “I can decide for myself what I do and don’t need in my life. Noone gets to decide that for me.”

“No..” you shake your head, “you’re not listening - “

“And I told you that I would take care of you. Why would you run from me? Do you even know what you want?” His voice is raised, anger and frustration coming through in every word.

Hearing him reprimand you like this sends a spark of anger through you. “You’re one to talk, Levi. You left me first, remember? Don’t act like you’re blameless in all this.”

Hands clenched at your sides, you face him. “You once told me that you left me alone above ground because you thought it was the best thing for me. That you couldn’t give me what I needed or deserved. Well, that’s how I felt.” You struggle with your next words. “Humanity needs you more than I ever will.”

“I don’t care what humanity needs,” he cuts you off again, “I need you. Can’t you see that?”

Although his words are harsh, his face is pained, and so you move even closer to him and cup his cheek.

He needs you.

“Levi…I’m here. For all of my doubts, I’ve realized I need you too.” Your voice softens. Seeing his face, having him here, suddenly makes all your other anxieties about the future seem unimportant. You’re only thinking about him. “What happened today?”

You can feel Levi leaning into your hand. “They’re gone. Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther, they were all killed today.” He swallows hard. “And I couldn’t protect them.”

He sits on your bed and looks at his hands. “I don’t understand why I have this kind of strength if I can’t save the people I care about most.”

You sit next to him and take his hands in yours, feeling the rough calluses from years of using the ODM gear. For someone so strong, he has such slender, delicate hands, you’ve always thought. At this moment, he suddenly seems so helpless. “Levi..their deaths, Lars’ death, Isabelle’s and Farlan’s..it’s not your fault. Your strength has protected countless others’ lives.”

You shift your weight on the bed to look at him, then lift his hands to your mouth and begin kissing each finger. “How many times did you protect me when we were kids? When you saved me from that brothel?” You’re kissing his rough knuckles, “You’ve sacrificed so much for others…for me..”

“Y/n..” Levi utters, his pain changing to love and desire. “I’ve done it all for you.” He caresses your cheek, then moves his lips closer to yours. “And I’d do it all again, if it meant I could be with you.”

He kisses you and even though you’ve felt his lips a thousand times before, it feels like the first time. Those same rough but delicate hands move from caressing your face to unbuttoning your blouse, finally laying you down on the bed.

You look at him as he hovers over you; for almost his entire life, Levi has been seen as a weapon, his body used to intimidate and destroy. But you’ve never seen him that way; even now, as he unbuttons his own shirt to reveal his scarred body, you see him as a man with so much love and care for others. And how he has used his body to love you in ways that no other person ever could.

You pull him toward you and kiss him once more. “I love you, Levi.” The words you once had so much trouble saying now flow easily, unencumbered by pride or shame.

“And I love you,” he replies tenderly. “I always have, and I always will.”

_____

The two of you made love again and again that night, until your bodies were completely spent and the sun began to peek over Wall Rose. It was as if each time you both were discovering something new about the other; a deeper well of love and pleasure neither had experienced before.

And something else was discovered: the realization that you both needed each other; it had always been this way and it was always going to be this way; an irrefutable fact, like gravity. Fighting against it was a fruitless act, and so all you both can do is cling to each other.

As the sun moves higher in the sky and the town wakes up around you, you know he has to go. The Scouts are heading to Stohess District for the next phase of Erwin’s plan, and neither of you know when you’ll see each other again. He pulls you close as you see him to the door, then he moves back to look at you.

“There are only two promises I’ve ever made in my life, to take down the titans and to protect you. But I’ll make you another promise: I will always, always come back to you. Nothing and no one is ever going to keep me away again.”

His eyes…those same grey eyes you’ve known since you were both children, when he was helpless and alone; now, no longer helpless.

And never alone again.

“Yes, Levi, yes. I’ll wait for you. Until those gates open, until these walls come falling down, until you kill the last titan...I will be here waiting…. ”

“I promise you.”

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yzeltia · 3 months ago

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FFXIVwrite2024 8. Wedding Vows

Characters: U'rahn Nuhn, Postmoogle Expansion: Endwalker(Timeline Wise, Otherwise Irrelvant) Rating: G Summary: U'rahn practices for his big day with his biggest antagonist. Notes: Freeday prompt given to me by @beyond-mortal-limits *Based on Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 **Based on George Michael's Father Figure

“Alright! Have we started? Now remember, only write the stuff down that I’m saying for the vows. You don’t have to write it all down…you better not be writing this down…Augh. Anyway. My Vows….My vows….Let’s try:

“Nyx, I’ve loved you since you first took your hand and led you to go do all the stuff Zoissette didn’t want me to do with me…-

“Yes it was a date for someone else? Why? What do you mean that’s lame. Don’t you kupo at me! I’m paying you to write stuff not give me dating advice! Let’s try again. …Maybe traditional?”

“I, U’rahn Nuhn, take you, Nyx Blackmoon, for my eternally bonded spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do…well, until death do I part. I will love and enrich you all the days of my life.

“How’s that? What do you mean ‘lame, kupo?’!? It’s traditional! …Okay …Nyx is not a traditional bride but that doesn’t matter cause they’re going to be the most beautiful and special brrride there’s ever been. Don’t ‘Sure, kupo!’ at me! It’s trrrue! But you’re right…Nyx loves me for my orrriginality and that I enrrrich them…Maybe poetry? I can be poetic! Urianger taught me sonnets after Nyx taught me Haiku!!…Can too! Oh yeah!?

“Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Night?

Thou art more um…lovely and temperature

Rough winds do shake my darling buddies in May

And Summer’s heat hath all too short a date,

Sometimes too hot the eye of Nidhogg shines

And often is gold and complex and I’m dimmed,

And every faerie from faerie sometimes decides

By chance of nature’s changing course to their whim…d

But thy eternal Summer shall not fade

Nor lose possession of thou wanderer’s shade

When in eternal bonds to time thou grow’st

So long as Nuhn can breathe or eyes can see

So long lives this one, and he gives his life to thee-* Stop laughing!

“I swear, moogles are nothing but trouble. That was really good! Yes, I recited it perfectly from the book that Urianger gave me! No I didn’t guess! Just keep your comments to yourself and help write down my vows or I’ll feed you to a sandworm!

“Now…if poems won’t work. How about a song:

“That's all you wanted

Something special, someone enriching

In your life-

Just for one moment

To be warm and naked

At my side-

Sometimes I think that you'll never

Understand me

But something tells me together

We'd be happy, oh-oh, baby

I will be your Nuhn figure

Put your tiny hand in mine

I will be your preacher teacher

Anything you have in mind-”**

“What? That off key? …Yeah, I’m not very good. Maybe if I asked Big Bro Erick or Big Bro Thancred to back me up in the vocals? No? Yeah…no. I can even admit I’m not the best singer. Alright. Fine…What do you think I should do? … … … Ah…I can try that…:

“Nyx…When I’m around you I feel invincible…Not like my normal invincibility, but like, y’know, that I could do anything and everything I put my mind to. Even the stuff that I’m super bad at. I know I’m not the smartest or wisest guy out there but you never hold that against me and when I meet something that I can’t overcome, you let me try until I ask for help. You never judge me or put me down. I feel so seen and loved around you.

“And…well, it’s no secret my family is super important to me. You’ve fit right in with us in your own Nyx way. I know that if something ever happened to me, you’d be there to watch over them where I cannot. I named my first daughter after you ‘cause I don’t know anyone more strong and beautiful that I would want her to look up to.

“So uh, what I’m trying to say is that I’ll always love you…And I promise, as long as I draw breath, to keep enriching you and making every day be filled with new, fun experiences when we are together.

“Why are you crying? Me? I’m not crying? I just got stuff in my eye! It was good though wasn’t it? Let’s stick with that version….C’mon, I’ll get you a kuponut.”

#ffxiv #final fantasy xiv #final fantasy 14 #ffxiv oc #ff14 #ff xiv #ffxiv miqo'te #u'rahn nuhn #Deputy Postmoogle #ffxivwrite2024

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beomgyuslilracha · 2 years ago

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you don't go to parties ☆.* 2

⊹ pairing: choi yeonjun x f! reader

⊹ genre: exes to ... complicated

⊹ warnings: should've clarified toxic! yeonjun in pt. 1, maybe a little more than mild swearing, and angst

⊹ wc: 4.3k

summary: back in your college days, you were living at the prime of your life alongside your boyfriend, yeonjun. you couldn't remember most of it, though, considering it was a blur consisting of mostly parties and many drunken nights. eventually, you reached your limit, and you and yeonjun no longer saw eye-to-eye. after many fights and endless tears, you disappeared for good and left that life and your boyfriend behind. but, five years later, yeonjun was still waiting for you at every party

for the first few years of college, yeonjun would have confidently told anyone that he enjoyed the partying and drinking purely for the thrill and rush it brought to him. nothing seemed to get his adrenaline flowing like a loud party with friends and drowning himself in alcohol.

he could even vaguely remember the days when he would swear that he lived for the burning sensation the liquid would leave behind in his throat.

now, he only ever seemed to drink to forget.

every night, yeonjun's home was crowded with everyone he ever knew around him — be it old friends since college or other artists he met in the industry. although, despite every face he recognized throughout the years, none of them were ever the one face he wanted to see.

he couldn't even begin to explain to himself why, after five years, he was still looking for you. you made it very clear that you refused to attend any parties, yet yeonjun continued to throw one after another.

maybe with the hope that you'd change your mind and come back? maybe to ensure you'd stay away?

his stubborn personality was far too difficult for even yeonjun himself to comprehend his own motives.

not that he would even remotely know what to say to you. he faintly remembered wanting to desperately apologize for the first year, but then his memories eventually grew hazy and he couldn't remember why.

all he could say for sure was that, for every night you never showed up, he'd at least be able to drink and drown out the memory of you for one more night ... all before having to wake up, get through the day, and repeat tomorrow.

that was his routine.

even after debut, nothing about his life seemed to change. yeonjun got through his schedules with a throbbing head the same way he got through his college courses back then.

perhaps the only difference was the missing cute girl he used to wake up to every morning.

not that the girls he was waking up to now were bad, they just weren't you.

yeonjun groaned to himself, chugging whatever remnants remained in his cup as he tried to push the thought of you from his mind all over again. he truly couldn't understand why nothing he ever did seemed to erase you from his memory.

today of all days seemed to be even worse than normal, and he just could not explain why.

you were in his head when he woke up, you were in the lyrics he wrote in the studio, you were in the melodies he produced, and now you were even standing in his own damn backyard.

. . .

wait a fucking minute-

yeonjun practically threw himself off the poolside chair he was settled in, the place he originally made for himself hours ago in order to get away from his own house. as he stood, he found himself blinking rather harshly to ensure his vision truly wasn't playing tricks on him.

there you were.. it was really you.

yeonjun wasn't sure what to feel first — elated at the mere sight of the very person he missed so much, cocky at the fact that you were here at his party of all places, or fucking livid because you had the audacity to show up to his party with someone else.

he was already glaring daggers at the walking pair of legs beside you, seething at the way his hands were allowed to be anywhere near you. who did he think he was?!

through no control of his own, yeonjun's feet mindlessly began making their way over to you before he could even have a chance to articulate what he wanted to say.

meanwhile, kai was still attempting to understand what was wrong. you were usually so calm and collected, yet seeing your desperation to leave made him begin to worry. "y/n, seriously, what's going on?"

"please, kai," you made one final plea, grasping both his hands in yours. "i promise i'll tell you later, but let's just find beomgyu and-"

"y/n?"

an all too familiar voice suddenly induced a nauseating twist in your stomach, causing you to feel lightheaded all over again.

"yeonjun.." a name that used to flow so naturally and endearingly from your lips, suddenly felt so foreign on your tongue.

the erratic beating of your heart was pounding directly in your ears as you fully processed the boy you once adored standing before you. in an instant, every memory came rushing back to you all at once - the good and the heartbreaking - leaving a dull ache inside your chest as you met those intimidating eyes looking down at you.

"and here i thought you said you were done with parties," yeonjun scoffed, a condescending smirk plastered on his lips. "unless you were just dying to see me again?"

'it's good to see you'

'you look amazing'

'God, i've missed you'

just a few of many things yeonjun wished he could have said instead, were he not so stubborn. let you know that he still cared? as if. that he's really the one who has been dying to see you? he'd much rather be forced to do absolutely anything else.

"believe me, nothing's changed," you answered, unable to help your eyes from rolling.

truth be told, you never really had any expectations about what it would be like if you were to eventually run into your ex-boyfriend — partly because you prayed that you'd never have to.

now here you stood, with a deflated heart and disappointment weighing heavily on your shoulders regardless. even without meaning to, you still foolishly hoped that he would've changed.

you should have known better than to think, for even a second, that yeonjun would be anything other than arrogant.

yeonjun released a low chuckle, drawing you out of your thoughts. "hard to believe when i'm seeing your pretty face right now."

he spoke so precisely, his smirk deepening as he reached out a hand to slowly tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. a small shock emitted from his touch when his finger had only just grazed your cheek, allowing you to come to your senses and pull your face away before he could finish the action.

despite the unfamiliar shiver that coursed down your spine, you felt the increase in warmth spread across your face as a shaky exhale escaped your lips.

you hated that yeonjun was still able to elicit any type of reaction from you, yet yeonjun - who had proudly noticed - seemed to be thriving from it.

"i'm not the one who wanted to be here," you stated simply, your head mindlessly turning towards kai in order to avoid looking at yeonjun any longer.

yeonjun's gaze hardened as it flickered over to the boy beside you, assuming him to be 'the one' you were referring to. had he any less self control, yeonjun probably would have ripped those lanky arms away from you the second he arrived. "so your boyfriend's a fan of mine, huh?" he asked, with evident disgust lacing his tone at the word 'boyfriend'.

kai's brows furrowed together, confused to have been suddenly targeted with such hostility. "oh- uh, no, i'm not-"

"y/n! here! soobin showed me where the towels were!"

before any more words - or clarification, for that matter - could be exchanged, beomgyu suddenly came bounding over, ignoring the originally built-up tension that had heavily settled around the three of you.

you mumbled a quick thanks to the clueless boy, accepting the towel from his hand. your cheeks had suddenly grown ten times warmer, embarrassingly remembering the wet fabric clinging to your skin from your earlier mishap.

yeonjun noticed the pink tint that kissed your cheeks, allowing him to mistakenly believe that the new presence was the cause behind it. now who the fuck is this guy?!

beomgyu, as if hearing yeonjun's thoughts for himself, looked up at the glowering party and flashed an adorably beaming smile. "hi, i'm beomgyu!" he introduced himself cheerfully.

beomgyu?! yeonjun's disbelieving gaze traveled back and forth between you and the dork with the wolfcut. sure, yeonjun knew he wasn't exactly a saint himself, but he did at least know that he was a hundred times fucking better than beomgyu.

"choi yeonjun." yeonjun eventually deadpanned, purposely making it very clear that he had no intention of being friendly with him.

before yeonjun could utter any harsh remarks afterward, which he was mere seconds away from doing, beomgyu turned his focus back to you. "i don't think the towel is going to help very much," he commented, now eyeing the slightly transparent stain on your shirt that was nowhere near dry.

unfortunately for you, as well as adding to your embarrassment, his comment drew the attention of both yeonjun and kai to your chest - causing you to be all the more self-conscious as you tried to cover yourself behind the towel.

it was truly like the universe was attempting to push you past your limit all in one night.

"here, i think we should just go home," kai spoke up, once again refusing to deny the 'angel from heaven' allegations.

although, realistically, kai was only realizing a little too late that he should have heeded your warning to leave much sooner. he didn't exactly know yeonjun all that well, but he developed a well enough understanding to know that he needed to get you as far from him as he could possibly manage.

but then, refusing to deny his cursed allegations, beomgyu chimed in shortly after.

"but we can't leave!" the boy whined dramatically, grasping and tugging at the hem of your shirt to complain. "we just got here; please, let's stay just a little longer!"

the universe wasn't giving up without a fight, huh ..

unsurprisingly, yeonjun was very much in agreeance with the whining child, but for an entirely different reason.

he didn't remotely care for the two you were with, they were nothing but obstacles to him, but yeonjun did know that they were not allowed to take you anywhere with them if he could help it.

it took five years for you to find your way back to him again, so he had no intention of letting you leave so easily.

"why don't i lend you something to wear instead?" yeonjun stepped in, biting his lip to suppress the mischievous grin that was threatening to expose himself. "would hate for you to catch a cold now, won't we?"

your heartbeat was mere centimeters away from pounding directly out of your chest, barely able to comprehend what he dared to suggest. was he kidding? was he serious?

"i'll take my chances, thank you," you quickly denied the offer, your cheeks flushing red against your own control.

obviously yeonjun noticed - how could he not when he refused to take his eyes off you for even a second? he was relishing every reaction you expressed, fueling his ego all the more just by seeing that he could still make you flustered after all this time.

yeonjun could even remember you acting similarly back when the two of you had first met. watching your shy face turn every shade of red from how he flirted with you? he just couldn't get enough of it.

"no, he's right! that would be a great idea," beomgyu perked up, causing both yours and kai's head to snap towards him in shock. you both stared in equal wide-eyed horror at your crazy friend, unable to fathom that he was even remotely supportive of such an idea. "that way we don't have to leave!"

luckily, kai was still the beloved angel on your shoulder trying his best.

"i can lend her my jacket, we'll be fine," he began, already unzipping his hoodie without a second thought.

"well that's no good; then what would you wear to protect yourself?" yeonjun interrupted slyly, shooting his hand out to pause the younger boy's actions. "don't worry, i promise it won't be a problem at all."

"it's not the convenience i'm worried about," kai narrowed his eyes, attempting to intervene once more.

in the meantime, you still had yet to utter another word. your head was practically spinning all over again from the back and forth occurring within yourself. you knew it was as simple as turning around and leaving with kai then and there, yet ... why weren't you moving? why were you still standing perfectly in place?

maybe because...

"it'll be fine, huening," beomgyu spoke with mild annoyance, failing to reassure his younger friend. he even visibly rolled his eyes at how dramatic he thought kai was being - as if he were not the same one crying a minute ago about wanting to stay. "here, come with me and i'll introduce you to some friends while we wait."

yeonjun didn't bother to wait for kai's response after that, taking that brief opportunity to casually wrap his arm around your waist. after roughly shoving his empty cup into kai's chest for the boy to grab, and a devilish smile gracing his lips, he then effortlessly guided you back into the crowded party alongside him.

much to your own self-loathing, you couldn't help yourself from succumbing to the vulnerability that yeonjun made you feel. the second his arm had wrapped around you, you instantaneously fell weak to his touch all over again, and you hated that you knew it.

everything about him was still as purposeful as you remembered. from the way he held you just close enough to have you pressed against his side, allowing him to feel the beat of your heart, to the way he would let his thumb delicately graze the side of your hip as you walked.

just as expected, the feeling of his touch sent an all too familiar shiver coursing through your spine. you could distinctly recall the way he held you now mirrored exactly the way he would hold you all those years ago — whenever he wanted to ensure that everyone in the room knew who you were with.

'that way everyone knows you're mine'

yeonjun fashioned a smug expression on his face as he led you toward his bedroom, having felt the way you shivered from his touch for himself. he knew exactly what he was doing, and, unbeknownst to you, those very same words still reigned true in his mind.

eventually, you found yourself stepping through the doorway of his room, introducing a new wave of nausea over you as you only just began to fully process the reality of the moment.

this is wrong.. i shouldn't be here..

yet there you were, standing in your ex-boyfriend's bedroom, and making no effort to leave. there was no part of you that could even begin to explain why; it wasn't like you were being restrained or held against your will.

you were free to turn around and leave at any moment, yet, even without a drop of alcohol in your system, it was like your actions were completely out of your own control.

being with yeonjun again, it was as if you were helplessly following the painful longing in your chest rather than the rational thinking in your head.

once the door was closed behind you both, to muffle the background noise of the party that was still going on, yeonjun eagerly bit his lip as he rushed to scavenge his closet for a shirt to lend you. of course, he didn't want to find just any shirt, no, he wanted to find the shirt — the same shirt you'd always borrow whenever you slept over all those years ago.

your favorite shirt of his, and his favorite shirt on you.

as he searched without a word, you were left to awkwardly stand in the middle of the room with too many emotions occurring at once for you to understand what to properly feel.

you were angry and uncomfortable, first of all, at the overall audacity yeonjun had to put you in such a situation, yet you were also nostalgic and wistful, painfully remembering your history together as you took in the surroundings.

you even painfully recalled a similar situation, way back when yeonjun was originally searching for a shirt you could sleep in during your very first night together.

"here, you can borrow this," yeonjun spoke through your daze, only to enhance the feelings of anger and nostalgia as he pulled out the very shirt you had just been reminiscing over.

your entire body felt frozen from shock, staring down at the light blue labros top he had passed over into your hands, unable to believe that he could have done it out of pure coincidence. "what are you doing?"

yeonjun lolled his head to the side, feigning innocence and confusion as he looked down at that very same shirt you used to love. "lending you a shirt? i thought i made that clear earlier?"

"don't play dumb, yeonjun," you spoke to him sternly, pausing only briefly to swallow the lump that had formed in your throat. "why this one? out of everything in that closet, why this one?"

"it's just a shirt, what's your problem?"

..did he seriously not remember?

yeonjun's face looked almost bored, truly playing into the act that he had absolutely no clue what you were getting so worked up over. perhaps it was another moment where you foolishly believed that something important to you could have meant something as equally as important to him.

but of course it did; yeonjun wasn't an idiot. he knew exactly what that shirt would mean to you - in fact, he hoped that it would.

truth be told, he wanted that memory to hurt you.

yeonjun wanted you to see that shirt and miss him the same way he had missed you. he wanted you to realize how lonely you were without him - how empty your bed felt without his arms to hold you. he desperately wanted you to feel that same sharp pain of regret in your chest that had lived in his for the past five years.

you mindlessly shook your head, turning away to avoid looking at him or that damned shirt any longer. only now did you begin to realize the predicament you had gotten yourself into. "i think i'm just going to go home," you finally reasoned with yourself. "it was a mistake coming here."

"why? so you can go be with your new boyfriend?" yeonjun sneered, his eyes practically rolling to the back of his head at his own words.

he could almost feel the way his own blood boiled at just the mere thought of anyone else having their hands around you the same way that he had.

"my new boy- what?" you were genuinely taken aback, unable to understand where he could have even gathered such an assumption.

"oh, so you're going to pretend you're not dating that baby face with legs?!"

"kai?!" you raised your voice to match his, though you almost wanted to laugh. was he seriously growing jealous because of kai? "he's my best friend, i'm not dating him!"

with a one-track mind, this only prompted yeonjun to believe the latter. "okay, so you refused to be with me, but you'll date that fucking trainwreck?" yeonjun accused you next, his eyes narrowed and cold.

"excuse me?!" you could not believe the words he dared to throw at you, on top of the fact that not a single part of it was even remotely correct.

yeonjun stepped subtly closer. "if you left me because you thought i was bad, you must not know your fucking boyfriend at all."

you weren't even sure what to address first. you wanted to be able to defend your friend, first and foremost, but you also could not let his first words slide so easily.

"i did not leave you," your voice practically came out in a whisper. your hands had now balled into fists in order to control your emotions, thus wrinkling the shirt that was still in your grasp.

"well, you sure as hell never came back," yeonjun yelled at you, his breathing growing heavier by the obvious way his chest was rising and falling.

"because you told me to leave! you always told me to leave!" you hated that you could feel the hot tears brimming in your eyes, but you weren't sure whether they were out of sadness or frustration. "it was like you didn't even want me around."

you were on the verge of shaking as you tried to maintain eye contact with him. where yeonjun managed to stare at you with his hard eyes filled with anger, yours were on the verge of spilling with tears.

"you think it was easy for me to be without you?" yeonjun tried once more to step subtly forward, his body naturally wanting to be closer to you again.

he was yelling, yes, but he still wanted you. every fiber in his body wanted to break the argument with his lips on yours, but he just couldn't seem to find the timing.

"it must have been if that was your response to everything," you told him, though having to squeeze your lips together afterward to stop them from quivering.

yeonjun rolled his eyes yet again that night, unable to believe the words coming out of your mouth. it was like he couldn't believe that you didn't magically understand him at all - like you still couldn't read between the damn lines.

"all you had to do was come back," he eventually admitted. "we would still be together if you had just come back."

"no, yeonjun.. we wouldn't be."

his subtle steps toward you halted and his breath just about caught in his throat. had he not known any better, yeonjun would have fully believed that time had stopped completely.

you didn't mean that... you couldn't mean that. you meant everything to each other, there wasn't any fucking way you could possibly mean that..

"we- .. we wouldn't?" his voice cracked, but he didn't care. his entire being was waiting desperately for your response - for you to tell him that you were lying out of anger.

of course you had to be lying. you were just reacting emotionally, that's all, you- ... you couldn't possibly believe that you wouldn't still be together ... right?

"no. we wouldn't."

you knew what you were saying, and you meant every last syllable. you could see in the way that his arrogant demeanor had fallen; you could see the sudden distress in his eyes that you were hurting him.

but he needed to hear it. he needed to know.

"every time we argued, i kept crawling back to you. i came back time and time again so that we could stay together." the tears were unstoppable now, and the growing lump in your throat made it all the more difficult to speak. "believe it or not, i practically gave up every last moral i had for us. but you never- not once- made any effort to fight for me."

yeonjun was speechless. his jaw was clenched as he looked at you, his dark eyes searching yours as if were hoping to find some sort of answer in them. he even searched every corner and crevice in his mind to be able to tell you that you were wrong.

but he couldn't.

whether yeonjun liked it or not, you were right.

he had always relied on you being the one to come back. he learned early on that you were always the first to cave, so he didn't care to put in the effort because he knew that you would do that for him.

he had no defense, yet he still couldn't bring himself to utter an apology. he knew you deserved it, of course you did - in fact, you deserved so much more than that - but he somehow couldn't find the ability to say anything.

even now, he was still too proud and stubborn.

seeing that he hadn't uttered a word in what felt like hours, you knew that the conversation was over. there was nothing he could possibly do or say to undo the heartbreak that he had caused you.

you weakly shoved the shirt back into his hands, wanting nothing more than to escape from that suffocating air that surrounded the room. the longer you stood there, the harder it became to breathe.

for the first time in your entire relationship, you were officially leaving yeonjun behind by your own free will.

as the door closed behind you, yeonjun remained frozen in place. he stared down at the shirt in his hands, feeling empty. his cocky personality was long gone, and he no longer knew what to do.

even after you had escaped back into the midst of the party, it was like the entire place was on mute. you couldn't hear anything as you just maneuvered your way through the crowded bodies, wanting to simply find your friends and get as far from there as you possibly could.

it was kai that had found you first, having spotted you from a corner of the room where he stood with beomgyu.

he didn't need to ask you if you were okay, seeing as the tears coated on your cheeks were more than enough to tell him that you weren't. with a tap on beomgyu's arm to signal where he was headed, it took only a few strides before the young boy's arms were wrapped around you.

if you weren't crying before, it was the immediate comfort that radiated from your best friend that heightened the emotions you were feeling. your hands came up to grip onto his jacket tightly, wanting to be able to hide yourself in it forever.

beomgyu arrived shortly after, completing a group hug sandwich with you squeezed in the middle.

exactly like the three of you had originally entered, the two boys held your hands and resembled a line of primary students as they escorted you out of the house.

and that's how all your hands stayed - held tightly together all the way home.

previous | masterlist | next

a/n:

i don't even know what to say about this. i will, however, say that i am 🤏this close into falling into my hyuka bias-wrecking trap. if i'm not careful, i'm going to accidentally make the y/n x hyuka friendship not-so-platonic.

anywayyy, i did struggle writing out everything i planned through my very hectic week/weekend, but i truly hope everyone still likes it :( since i don't know what to feel about what i wrote since it was all written very scattered, i'm worried that it may not receive a very good reaction 🥲 especially because everyone has been praising part one and looking forward to this series, so it added a lot more pressure than i expected. pls pls lmk what you think - whether i should keep going or just rewrite this entire part all over again.

series taglist:

@cookiehaos @hafsa-hoofsa-heefs @junzwrld @gyuuluvrs @goldennika @nobodyshallenter @lubtou @soobsfairy444 @2ynjns @cherriruto @eclecticeggknightpsychic @baekberrie @youraggedybitch @eundiarys @jwicore @bokk-minnie @cha-raena @beachbabe4ever @sparkswhoz @wo-ai-ni-yong

permanent taglist:

@human-misery @dongmeiii @softcabur @marekmybeloved @aishidaishi @taekwondoes @wccycc @jjhmk @mjlasagna

both taglists open !! (if anyone's interested)

#tomorrow x together #tomorrow x together imagines #tomorrow x together imagine #txt #txt imagine #txt imagines #choi yeonjun #choi yeonjun x reader #yeonjun #yeonjun x reader #yeonjun imagines #choi yeonjun imagines

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666writingcafe · 10 months ago

Note

You can write that MI!MC becomes a baby because of Mephistopheles and Mephistopheles will have to take care of him without the demon brothers knowing but they discover it

The concept of Mephistopheles taking care of a baby version of MC sounds interesting, and I've been mulling it over in my head ever since I first saw this request. The main thing that I've been wondering is what Mephistopheles would have done to turn MC into a human, because it doesn't seem like the sort of thing he would do, accidentally or otherwise.

So, for the sake of fulfilling this request, I have changed who the culprit is. I will try to keep everything else the same.

Mephistopheles Becomes a Babysitter

Told From Mephistopheles's Point of View

I hate my life sometimes.

I literally just got settled into my room after a long, exhausting day of editing when someone loudly knocks on my front door. Couldn't they have waited at least five minutes?!

However, I cannot refuse whoever has decided to drop by. It would be incredibly rude, and someone in my position should remain polite and civil in the face of company.

So, a simple groan as I leave the comfort of my room will have to do.

Opening the door reveals nothing at first.

"Stupid teenagers," I grumble. For some reason, there's a group of them that enjoys the childish game "Ding Dong Ditch". They like to leave nasty surprises on people's porches. I've interviewed a few of their victims.

I'm about to shut the door when I hear the sound of cooing. Looking down, I'm greeted with the sight of a...

Baby carrier?!

I swear, if those kids decided to steal someone's literal child...

I kneel down to take a closer look at the baby inside. His eyes light up when he sees me, implying that I don't scare him. Odd. Usually babies don't like strangers.

Wait.

Why does he look familiar?

The baby wraps his hand around the envelope resting on top of him, bringing my attention to it.

"Do you mind if I have it?" I ask. Surprisingly, he lets go. It's as if he understood what I was saying, which doesn't make any sense. He appears too young to have that level of comprehension.

I carefully open the envelope and take out the note inside.

Mephisty,

I hope you don't mind receiving this delivery. I didn't know who else to turn to, since everyone else that comes to mind would turn me in right away. This is the result of an experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong, and I need time to look for an antidote. I promise I will pay you back for your time.

-S

"Dammit, Solomon," I mutter. Even if he didn't sign the letter, I would have known it was from him. He's the only one that calls me "Mephisty", because in his words, it rhymes with "bestie".

For the record, we are nowhere near besties.

Looking back at the baby, everything clicks.

This isn't just any old baby.

No.

"I keep telling you to limit your time with him, but you never listen." MC narrows his eyes in an attempt to glare at me. It honestly looks like he's seconds away from pooping himself.

At least he still understands what I'm saying. If he didn't, this would be a lot more difficult for me to manage.

"Alright then," I sigh, picking up the carrier and taking it inside. "You know, you're lucky I helped take care of my brother when he was your age." MC blows a raspberry at me in response.

Couldn't Solomon have at least gotten rid of MC's attitude?

~~~

A week goes by without much incident, which is pretty par for the course. Those brothers get so wrapped up in their own drama that they often fail to pay attention to the world around them, so they probably haven't noticed that their beloved MC has disappeared.

Speaking of MC, he's quite the handful. I understand that he's annoyed at Solomon--I am, too--but I wish he didn't take that out on me. I'm not the one that turned him into a baby.

Then again, MC and I have never had the best relationship, so perhaps their behavior is to be expected. I can't help but be wary of him. The amount of power he has is dangerous, and while he hasn't done anything overly nefarious with it so far, I still have my concerns. MC's still human, after all, and power tends to corrupt humans. And this isn't me being prejudiced against humans or anything like that; I'm merely citing material. There's been so many incidents over humankind's existence that it spans several volumes of books. And those just contain the more notable cases.

But MC is more manageable in this form. I mean, how much damage can a baby do to the Devildom, really? And I'm not talking physical damage, because I know babies enjoy breaking things.

Especially this one.

Currently, however, he's allowing me to hold him so that I can ensure that they get rid of any excess air in their stomach.

"Easy does it," I murmur to him. After a few minutes, I feel the towel on my shoulder get wet.

"There you go. Good job." I adjust how I'm holding MC so that they can see my face. "Do you want me to read you a story?" A sharp, disapproving noise.

"Okay, not that. How about listening to music?" A brief pause, and then another shriek.

"Playtime?" MC rejects the idea, opting instead to reach out towards my face.

"Do you want me to keep holding you?" Finally, a satisfied noise. Thankfully I don't have anything major happening anytime soon, because when MC wants to be held, he doesn't want to be put down for a couple hours at least.

"Those brothers aren't paying enough attention to you, are they?" Something that sounds like "nuh-uh". "Those bastards."

For some reason, that makes him giggle. I think that's the first time I've intentionally made him laugh. I hate to say it, but it's a bit heart-warming.

A loud knock at the door interrupts the moment. Unfortunately, I can't set MC down. Even if they don't start wailing, they'll get up to some mischief.

"Hopefully that's Solomon with the antidote," I tell him as I walk to the door. "Otherwise, this is going to be rather..." Opening the door reveals a rather unpleasant surprise.

"...awkward." Satan and I stare at each other for a few seconds. I forgot I lent him one of my spellbooks. Eventually he clears his throat.

"Well, I was beginning to wonder where MC went," he states.

"I didn't do this," I quickly reply.

"I know. This is Solomon's doing, no doubt."

"He was supposed to find an antidote, but I haven't heard anything from him since he dropped MC off." Satan sighs.

"He probably got sidetracked." MC shrieks, causing Satan to tilt his head. "Is it just me, or did MC--"

"Oh, he understands what we're saying. He just can't use words to communicate at the moment."

"So, a baby with the mind of an adult. Got it." Satan pauses. "We need to pay him a visit." Momentary angry babbling from MC.

"I know, MC, but you can't do much right now," I try to comfort him. He grumbles, and Satan widens his eyes in disbelief.

"You know what he's saying?" I shrug.

"Somewhat. There aren't any coherent words, obviously, but that doesn't stop him from trying to talk."

"Well, what did he say?"

"Something to the effect of 'I wanna kick his butt!'" Excited noises from MC. Satan smirks.

"And you've always said you've never been overly fond of MC." This prompts him to blow a raspberry at Satan, as if he's poking fun at him.

I take the book from Satan and set it and the towel down on a nearby table before meeting him outside.

"Do we tell the others about this little mishap?" I ask Satan as we begin walking towards Solomon's place.

"Not unless we have to. I don't want you to be yelled at for something that wasn't your fault." He's mainly referring to Lucifer, who loves to blame me for the tiniest inconveniences, but the rest of the brothers would probably freak out as well.

And honestly?

I don't want MC to be spooked by a sudden increase in noise. He'll start crying, and I'll have no choice but to tell them off for scaring him.

#obey me shall we date #obey me mc #obey me mephistopheles #obey me satan #obey me solomon

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avoidantrecovery · 1 year ago

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i love this video of venus williams being protected by her dad during her interview. because it it depicts something that is usually so hard to pin point, even if you've been through it.

the journalist asks a seemingly normal question about whether venus thinks she‘ll win and she says yes. he comments on how confident she is, which she agrees to. then he asks her why she thinks this and she begins to provide her answer, elaborating on her previous reply. he continues to prod. people who have never experienced emotional abuse, never seem to understand how banal some of it can come across as. you might even be called overly sensitive for picking up on something like this. and i‘m not saying that the journalist is emotionally abusing her, but it begins where he lets off essentially.

he is, consciously or not, trying to get under her skin and into her head, even though she is still a child. he wants a certain reply from her, maybe for her to show humility or uncertainty instead of her steadfast belief in herself. he never yells or looks angry, but he is applying pressure wants her to essentially change her own assessment and opinion of herself and her skills to suit his (needs). maybe he wants a certain headline, maybe it’s just a personal thing. and this is when her dad steps in.

and rightly so, he recognises what is going on immediately and wants to protect his daughter from limiting thoughts that might crop up in her mind due to these questions. even seemingly simple questions like that can unsettle and make someone unsure of what they just said. especially if it's a child/minor vs an adult in a conversation. and when it's done over and over again.

now imagine if instead of it being a journalist, it's your parent and there is nobody to stop the questions and interrogation. a parent who feels threatened perhaps by your youth or innocence or curiosity and naivety, things you don't have any control over and should be able to experience like everyone else gets to. every time you try to assert yourself, discover who you are as a person, start hobbies, a sport, just sit in your room, or go outside with the one friend you have, anything really...you are pummelled by a barrage of questions meant to make you doubt yourself. sometimes it's small comments, sometimes they are snide, other times passive-aggressive. you are told you are worthless, unwanted, a curse, and will never make it or survive without them. you are blamed for everything, you are attacked, you are triangulated into arguments that have nothing to do with you, even the love you still have for your parent(s) is rejected or viewed with suspicion. this goes on for hours sometimes. over and over again for years on end through your entire formative years.

as a result, your sense of self shrinks, shame begins to build and anything you associate with yourself makes you doubt and question. is it even worth it, are you able to do it, what is the point etc…? you begin to feel like an imposter, no matter how much you practise or how good you are. you feel like all love/care is transactional and since you already think lowly of yourself you the thought that nobody would ever truly value you begins to form. and if they do, you cannot handle it and you sabotage. when you‘re at you lowest and need to come up with a way to solve your problems, their questions and doubts come up to the surface, instead of what you actually need.

as children, the most important thing to our survival is our parents. so if they say something negative about us, we align our own thoughts and opinions with theirs in order to be on their good side, in order to survive. even if we know what they are saying is wrong. it is hard to hold two opposing views at the same time (also a source of neurosis according to jung) so sooner or later something will have to give.

i recently re-discovered the concept of limiting beliefs. it's essentially core beliefs that we picked up, usually in our younger formative years, that helped us get through a rough time, but still continue to influence our behaviour. this is the next thing i will look into for myself.

#cptsd #emotional abuse #emotional trauma #emotional neglect #avpd #avoidant personality disorder #mental health #complex trauma #complex ptsd #just my thoughts and opinion not medical advice #avpd ramblings #racial trauma

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sapphobolide · 3 months ago

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FFXIVWrite Day 9 — "Lend an Ear"

Rain drummed on the roof of the Pendants, and gusted into Tamsyn’s room on the wind. Her window was open, because the ghost that was haunting her wanted to look at the night sky.

“You won’t see the stars till the clouds pass,” she said from the kitchenette. “Or have you forgotten how that works?”

“Just the rain’s enough,” Ardberta murmured, though Tamsyn still heard her. “After so long…Gods, I wish I could feel it.”

“Well, I can. It’s cold.” The kettle whistled, and Tamsyn busied herself with taking another crack at her room’s coffee maker. Rather than a traditional brewer like she might find in Limsa Lominsa, the Crystarium had thin devices that held ground coffee and hot water in two tiny, stacking chambers. Screw them on tight and pull a lever, and a plunger pushed the water through the coffee until it dribbled out into a small ceramic mug. The concentrated, bitter liquid had reminded her more of Garlean espresso than anything else. She had a few ideas to improve it, though. “If you’re going to let get my rugs wet, the least you could do is help me with my Vrandtic.”

“You have the Echo, haven’t you?” Ardberta looked over. “We’ve always been able to understand each other.”

“Yes, because we both have it.” Tamsyn poured cream and sour yogurt into a bowl, dashed in a spoonful of beet sugar, and began whisking it up. “The Echo’s only ever let me understand languages. Do you know how difficult it is to have a conversation when I can hear what everyone is saying, but my own contributions are limited to stoic nodding and the occasional glare?”

“Alright, point taken.” The ghost turned her back to the night. She looked much the same as when they had fought, back in Eorzea—same black and red leather armor, messy hair still pulled back in the same high tail, the same bloodstains on her great bearded axe. Only now Tamsyn was the Warrior of Darkness, and Ardberta was the dead girl walking. “Though I’ve never been much of a teacher, I’m afraid. Nyelbert was always the first to explain something the rest of us didn’t understand. Not that we’d get it then, mind. Lamitt was better at putting things into words people could use.”

Stiff peaks in the bowl. Tamsyn set it down and began portioning coffee and hot water. She grated cinnamon bark into the grounds before locking all the various pieces into the device. “Always the magic-users, isn’t it?” she tried in Vrandtic. “I suppose adventurers don’t change much across…pieces? Shards.”

“Shards.” Ardberta's eyes drifted away from the room around them. “It was just a way to get by, at first. A way to get away. From home, from the expectations. To see what lay over the next hill. To seek the horizon.”

Tamsyn pulled the lever, and thick, brown espresso bubbled out. Working quickly, she split it between two small cups, then scooped a generous dollop of whipped cream onto both. She placed them both on the table with a twirl. “Aha!”

Ardberta looked down at the coffee, then back up. Her expression was guarded, hard. “Is this supposed to be funny?”

Tamsyn blinked, then looked at what she’d done. Two identical portions. “…Shit.”

“Did it on instinct, did you?” Ardberta smirked, sadly. “Is it that woman? The one you’re always asking after.”

“Caswyn.” She sat down and sipped some espresso. The sour-sweet tang of the cream complimented the bitter brew suprisingly well. The cinnamon was a nice touch, too. She would’ve liked it.

“You must have been together for a long time.”

Had they? “It feels longer than its been, I think. We took our time admitting what was happening between us.” She looked over the top of her mug at Ardberta. “Did you ever have someone like that?”

The ghost shrugged. “Nothing too serious. I knew I’d never be able to be with another woman at home—it’s one reason why I left.”

“I can relate to that.”

“But adventuring doesn’t exactly lend itself to stable relationships.”

Tamsyn took another sip. “Your group seemed pretty stable.”

Ardberta looked away, uncomfortable. “Well, romance never really entered the picture. Renda-Rae had her own pursuits she enjoyed between work. And Lamitt…” She shifted. “Lamitt valued her Dwarven traditions. I’m sure her preferences didn’t go that way.”

“Mhm.” Tamsyn took a long, noisy sip of espresso.

“Don’t give me that.” Ardberta motioned at Caswyn’s cup. “Tell me about her, then. In Vrandtic.”

“Alright, alright.” Tamsyn couldn’t keep the smile from her lips. “There was this one fight we had together, with a primal named Susano…”

#ffxivwrite2024 #ffxivwrite #shadowbringers spoilers #ffxiv

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vizthedatum · 1 year ago

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Updated blog disclaimer

Please note: I am not communicating with my ex-spouse currently. We are recently divorced but have a no-contact order until the end of December 2023. Dec 31, 2023 Update: the order has expired but I DO NOT PREFER TO TALK TO THEM OR THROUGH A THIRD PARTY. I am not communicating with them through any third party (except for our lawyers). These posts are not at all an attempt to communicate - it is *art* and *expression* and my personal account of what has happened in our relationship. It does reflect reality. I want people to know. It's not just emotional processing for me - I think people need to know what domestic violence looks like. And you should tell your story too - there need to be more examples of all types, in all different relationships.

Dec 31, 2023: I also talk about non-abusive relationships. I strongly believe that I own everything that has happened to me. I can protect people’s privacy and respect boundaries, but I will not limit myself from talking about my own experiences, journeys, and thoughts… and those are often tied to real people’s lives. I obscure identities as much as I can, but I’m a writer and artist… the world and my life are my source material. This is a moral judgment call on my part, and you don’t have to agree.

This blog uses the phrase "narcissistic abuse" which is a hotly debated phrase amongst the neurodivergent and disabled communities. I am disabled, and I do not promote ableism. I do not think the usage of "narcissism" is ableist nor do I think it adversely affects those who have narcissistic characteristics. I am not discriminating anyone but I am sharing how I’ve personally made sense of the abuse. I have nothing against people with diagnosed disorders. The specific cycle of narcissistic abuse is Love-Bombing/Idealization to Devaluation to Discard to Hoover/Reengagement (and the cycle repeats).

If you find the content triggering, then kindly block/unfollow/ignore this blog - I will not change my mind until there comes a time when there is a term that better describes the specific cycles of abuse and patterns of behavior I've gone through in my life. I do acknowledge my own toxicity and my own patterns of harm in this blog. I am tired and offended by justifying my experience and my usage of a phrase that has literally saved my life in the past year. Understanding that what happened to me was specifically "narcissistic abuse" has made the context of my life more crystal clear than ever before. Please see one of my many posts that address this issue or search the internet about the debate yourself. If you cannot see the nuance in what I'm saying, then this blog is not for you.

If you choose to harass me based on how I word my experiences (keeping in mind that I’m not going to your blogs and invalidating your experiences (I have only done so in defense of someone else’s initiation but I will not anymore)) instead of advocating for a better term that best describes my experience (that is more nuanced than just emotional/physical abuse), then unfortunately you are harassing and silencing an abuse victim. Victims are already in a place of self-doubt and self-blame. They are aware often in a state of extreme reality distortion. And we often have an extreme amount of compassion for the people who have harmed us.

Before you call us ableist, try to understand why we're talking about it.

youtube

Future employers and anyone else: I am a queer and trans person of color who is a citizen of the United States of America. I have undergone a lot of abuse, and I am exercising my first amendment rights as a citizen of this country. I am sharing my experiences as authentically and honestly as I can. I am receiving mental and physical healthcare, as best I can with my resources. My training is in healthcare, and if I cannot be honest with who I am then it would be incredibly hypocritical for me to practice epidemiology or clinical data analysis in healthcare. If you choose to discriminate against me based on my identity or my emotional processing of the abuse I have endured (or even the poetry/art/writings I share), then you are willfully denying employment to a battered domestic violence survivor (and I have gone through domestic violence multiple times). I would not work for such an organization anyway. My skills and qualifications speak for themselves, and I will do what I want - and I'll do a good job of it too. Thank you. Addition as of Nov 6, 2023: I have an open call for a nesting partner and future co-parent. Read more here.

#disclaimer #pinned #healing #trauma #neurodivergence #queer #prose #Youtube

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citrusfield · 10 months ago

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it truly doesn’t matter to ella if he’s unable to make it for lunch tomorrow so long as he gets the proper rest he’s more than earned, so it’s a fairly easy compromise to make. the thought of spending any quality time with him at all is enough to bring a smile to their face. “yeah, i’d like that… but i’m warning you now, once i’m off the clock, you won’t be able to get rid of me. i’m going to be attached to your hip for the rest of the night.” considering their usual time spent apart and the particularly awful situation he’d dealt with today at work, she’d say being a little clingy is to be expected. encouraged, maybe. "i have to admit, i’m relieved you've finally realised it... i didn't want to push you into anything, but i can tell when you're running on empty and it's been that way for a while now. everyone deserves to rest sometimes, even when they’re a big time captain with their own team to lead.” especially then. she does her very best not to psychoanalyse carter if she can help it, has to force her brain to switch that part of itself off most nights, but it doesn’t take a professional to see when someone is pushing themselves to their limit. she understands that he wants to be the best leader he can possibly be, but what happens if he runs himself into the ground trying to maintain that? allowing himself a real break is long overdue. “is that a promise?” their smile matches his own, soft and hopeful, before it briefly falters as he continues. they’ve always tended to have a more positive outlook on life than most and they never want to let their anxieties get the best of them, but it isn’t always easy; not by a longshot. “i wish i could say that was enough to stop me from worrying about you when you come home late, but i’m afraid nothing will change that.” after all, she knows him; he’s far too selfless to be concerned about himself if there’s someone else in potential danger and as much as she’d love to believe that nothing could ever take him away from her, neither of them can say that for certain. she can only pray that he’ll be proven right. “oh, well...” it had been an offhand comment made about fostering, one said to try and reassure him that despite his desire to do more, the baby is still in good hands, and they truly don’t expect him to linger on the topic. it's a pretty huge decision to be discussing so late at night with sleep desperately calling to them both, but maybe that’s exactly why he does it; because after the things he was forced to face today, he’s been rethinking quite a bit. “i… i do want a family with you, i know that. we're just always so busy with our own careers that i haven't ever given much thought as to what that would look like.” it’s a good thing the eggs have finished cooking and she’s able to set them aside for a moment. this doesn’t feel like a casual conversation that she can split her attention for. “i think there’s still a lot we’d have to figure out together before officially committing to anything — you definitely don’t need me to tell you how serious this is — but once we did that and we felt comfortable… then yeah, we could try. i'd like to try.” ever the cautious one, there’s a few concerns that immediately pop into ella’s mind, but they have plenty of time to work through them all. becoming responsible for raising a child isn’t something that can instantly happen overnight and for good reason. “i love you too, more than anything. i have no idea what i did to deserve you in my life, but i’ve never been more grateful for my own stubbornness. you’re the best of us, you know.”

"Don't worry, I will." Carter reassured them with a firm nod. "I'll take care of myself, and get as much sleep as I can while you're at work. But if I can't make it in time for lunch... How about I pick you up from work instead? We can pick up some take-out on the way, have an early dinner, and maybe put on some cheesy romance movie... Have ourselves a quiet night in?" He suggested, knowing that Ella wouldn't mind what they did as long as they were able to spend time together. But Carter still felt the need to ask them. "Hey, I didn't say that I wasn't stubborn. I'm as stubborn as I can be, but it was still your stubbornness that beat mine out." He pointed out, laughing softly before he shook his head. "But you're right. Everyone could see that I needed a break, and now I see it too. I need a break." Admitting that seemed to have lifted a weight off of his shoulders, considering how much pressure that Carter had managed to put on himself since being promoted as Captain. He hadn't taken any time off, giving his all to his team of firefighters since they were the only family he'd had before Ella had come along. But almost losing one of them had made him realize that he needed to cherish the time that he had been given. After all, in other world, it could have been him instead of Lola. "Thank you, my love." Relief spread through him as he offered her a genuine smile, feeling utterly grateful that Ella had always been so understanding. "You know... I'm always going to be yours, right?" He could not help but ask them, his smile remaining on his lips at the thought. Carter had known for a while that Ella was the one for him, even if they hadn't made things official. But when the time was right, he was certain that they will. "You're not going to lose me, Ella. No matter how many times I run into a fire, just know that I'll always find a way to come back to you. Always." Before Ella had come into his life, Carter had not cared about the dangers that had come with being a firefighter. He had always put the lives of others over his own. But after Ella, he still put the lives of others before his. The only difference was that he had started to value his life more than he used to. "Yeah, I know... I love her too. I've dealt with social workers for pretty much my entire life, but she's definitely one of the good ones... you know, aside from you." He remarked, chuckling softly before he exhaled a sigh. "I guess that's the only thing that brings me comfort... at least for now." As someone who had always been strict about following protocols, Carter hadn't gotten himself attached to that baby by any means. But he was human, after all. An empath. He had his feelings. Up until Ella had mentioned fostering, he never would have considered it. It had taken him by surprise. Being well aware of how Ella had felt about it, he would never push them on the subject. "Would you consider it though... fostering, I mean? I know we're in no place to do it right now, given how much we both work. We won't fit the criteria. But do you think that we could do it... sometime in the future? I've always wanted to help as many kids as I can... make sure they don't go through what we went through. I know that I still want it, and I want it... with you. Do you think that's something you'd want?" Maybe it was the shock of almost losing one of his firefighters. But Carter had spent the whole night thinking about all the things that he hadn't done in his life. The thought that life was way too short had hit him like a freight train, and he could not shake it. He wanted everything that life had to offer him, and he wanted it all with the love of his life. "What makes you think I would have said otherwise? I thought I'd made it obvious." He pointed out, his arms still wrapped around her as he watched her cook the eggs. "I love you with everything I've got, Ella."

#script / ella hastings.#threads / ella & carter.#hcrdknocklife

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zai-doodles · 2 years ago

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Ok ok I’m so sorry but I LOVE your thoughts on Fairytail and I’d love to hear more!!! (If that’s alright with you >.<)

How about your thoughts on the powers? Any specifically you really liked? Any you DIDN’T like? Any that are so cool in theory but their execution is… questionable? (cough cough Erza cough Mirajane)

I love u sm listen I have a whole thing written already just abt how I would change lucys powers bit since u name dropped erza imma write a new thing just for u

Like ok imma get v high fantasy nerdy bare with me but erza would be a DOPE paladin

Like ugh the biggest missed opportunities with erzas powers is that they never really explain or put any emotional significance on her armors or weapons were just like, yea idk she found that ig? Before the show?? And just has it???? And if it's damaged dw bc it just goes back to the magic closet and gets better :D

Like UGH ITS LAME and high key just an excuse to draw her in skimpy ugly ass armor YEA I SAID IT MORE OF THE ARMOR IS UGLY BITE ME

Back to the paladin thing, so paladins in dnd usually pledge themselves to a God and get their power from them or whatever, BUT there's also a different type of paladin called an oath paladin, where their power comes from an oath they've pledged rather than an entiy

So stay with me, erza as an oath paladin, who's oath is that she will always fight to protect her family as long as she breathes

Or some dramatic shit like that right??? So tower of heaven, she's a tiny child and makes this pledge to herself in the heat of the moment, it gives her a burst of magical energy bc shes doesn't say it but she subconsciously is staking her life on this oath

When she gets to fairy tail she tries to understand her magic more but finds it difficult to channel it unless someone is actively trying to hurt someone else

Her magic doesn't come naturally if she's the one being attacked, it has to be someone else

SO I have a lot written abt erza gray and natsu being the most weird sibling ever and in the mean time erza is simply training in more traditional fighting and swords man ship bc shes learned v quickly she can't always rely on her magic to carry her in a fight

OK SO LAST THING, as erza grows older she gains the blessing of the fairy queen Tatiana, not directly but she can FEEL her presence and it helps erza channel her magic more freely bc she has to accept thats is is part of this new strange family and protecting herself is just as important as protecting others because she needs to be alive to protect them

NVM I LIED THIS IS SO LONG SKHXJD

I'm so sorry so anyway-

In my mind fairy magic is like a creation type magic, tho u can't make something from nothing BUT since erzas oath is based around her family erza can make her magical armor and weapons based on her bonds with her family

Stay with me aixhks

Like she gets a chain mail sort of shall made out of dragon scales, they are fire resistant and cut like a blade, it's heavy so it limits mobility

However very soon after she also summond boots that make ice when she walks, that takes a lot of training with gray to get use to but the combination of the two allow almost full defense and mobility

Most of her armors and weapons are just random things shes found but these are special, their strength is reliant on her love for the person they connect with and the power increases when they are uses in defense of that person specifically

HOWEVER they take a lot of magical energy and erza doesn't always have control over WHAT the weapon will be, causing her to go a little crazy in terms of training herself to be damn near proficient in every weapon or fighting style she can think of

I dislike the canon ages being so young so in my mind I age them up like 3-4 years when canon starts and so when erza finally starts going out on jobs on her own she's constantly training and perfecting her technique, almost never allowing herself STILL to use more magically enhanced weapons unless she absolutely has to and that's my explanation for why she's so crazy strong??

When canon starts I kinda think she has at least 1 thing for every guild member, but they r very small with the exception of natsu, gray, mira and Makarov, the trade off being that those are still the hardest for her to use

Lil extra thing

Natsus armor is the cloak like I mentioned, but by the time canon starts it has an extra property where if the enemy is hit with it or touches it it causes burning and melting damage rather than slicing them from the sharp scales, if you are not en enemy the cloak does no harm

Grays boots start as more normal boots with the bottoms replaces with ice, however as their bond grows the shoes become knee high plated boots of ice, allowing even more chance for mobility since she can slide on her knees without breaking momentum, if she kicks an enemy with them equipped they are stunned or "frozen" for a small period of time.

Mira, ok so first it's just a simple gauntlet that looks more like some brass knuckles, but again, time passes and they become more intricate, by canon time the gauntlet is a full sleeve of weeving patterns and almost lace texture, the hand mimics miras demon form claw but the rest is the beauty and grace of her mira, the claw and talons can pierce almost anything and are very hard to control on that front so erza doesn't use them often since she doesn't usually try to inflict lethal damage on opponents, but it has a good amount of practical use when trying to clear paths or use the terrain to her advantage

I think erza gains weapons as she goes, not only from others like lucy, but eventually natsus cloak has a matching chest plate, grants boots come with daggers, etc

I have more ideas but this is so long I need to stop snhdlsnx

#zai talks #fairy tail #im so sorry this is soong and dumb ksbx

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glossyybabie · 2 years ago

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changes

part 5 || part 6 || part 7

Summary: You make an attempt to free yourself, and it’s the thought that counts.

Warnings: Kidnapping. Blood and sharp objects. Missy has far too much fun.

Word count: 1021

Notes: Going home for Christmas tomorrow, so I’m not sure how much more I’ll manage to get written for a bit. I was listening to Michael Bublé as I wrote this. I’m such a middle-aged woman. No offence to middle-aged women obviously, you guys slay.

Two fingers pulled your right eye open, one on each eyelid. You weren’t able to see anything past the intense spark of light that immediately shot through your eye, enough to make you grimace in pain and lean away from the hand that was holding it open in the first place. That hand disappeared on its own for a few moments, three quiet footsteps followed, and then it was your left eye’s turn.

You lifted your arms, surprised to find you were able to move them without restriction and push the hand away from your eye. An echo of the light danced against the backs of your eyelids no matter how much you rubbed at them.

“Hm. Someone woke up with an attitude.”

Wincing, you slowly allowed your eyes to open, adjusting to the lights a small amount at a time. Your hospital gown had been changed. That was the first thing you noticed. You were wearing normal clothes. Not clothes you owned or anything, but just simple, normal clothes and shoes.

Your head throbbed. You definitely weren’t somewhere you’d been before, nowhere within that hospital you’d seen. There were lots of flashing lights, and glows of purple, and strange quiet tones that hummed melodically around you. But even despite the change of scenery, you didn’t feel safe. You knew you were far from it.

And in front of you was Missy. She was pressing buttons on some kind of control panel in front of her in an oddly specific sequence, paying no mind to you.

You bent your joints and flexed your muscles each in turn to test whether you were in one piece, because that conclusion just didn’t feel plausible. Suddenly you were lost and confused, so much more than you had been before, as if the predicament you’d found yourself in had just become that much more complicated.

“What’s happening?” you asked. You were surprised to hear your voice leave your mouth at a steady tone.

“Just a little reshuffle, pet,” she assured you. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Reshuffle?” you repeated as you stood up. “Where . . .?”

Your legs trembled beneath you at first. You rarely used them, not for . . . whatever stretch of time that had been. With calculated steps, you were soon able to move in a fairly normal fashion, although with some difficulty.

You could feel Missy’s eyes following your every move. She’d done nothing to stop you moving yet. This was the furthest you’d ever managed to go, the greatest limit you’d pushed.

Then something else caught your gaze in the corner of your eye. There wasn’t just one control panel; there were six, laid out in a hexagonal shape in the centre of the circular room. Your fingers lightly brushed over some of the levers, the metal smooth but cold and biting to the touch.

“Touch anything, and I remove a finger from you,” Missy said evenly. Your hand immediately recoiled. “You are not to touch anything without my permission, or go anywhere without my permission, or leave without my permission. Do you understand?”

Your eyebrows furrowed. “Why? Why allow me freedom but only to an extent? What happened?”

“Oh, just the usual,” she replied. “You humans really are pros when it comes to transmitting hideous infectious diseases, aren’t you?”

“Is that what happened?” you asked. “A disease?”

“Happens all the time,” she said. “This one seemed to be some kind of behavioural infection, or maybe an ugly strain of rabies. I’ve had to sterilise that whole section of the TARDIS.”

Missy continued to explain the events of the last few hours you apparently hadn’t been consciously present for. She was preoccupied with the control panel in front of her simultaneously, causing her to pause between sentences for a few moments intermittently.

You glanced at the panel in front of you again. It wasn’t exactly tidy either. There was a cardboard box full of metal parts balancing precariously against the edge of the surface, from items resembling kitchen utensils to blow torches and bizarre remote controls.

One of the items glinted against the light emitting from the pillar in the centre of the room. You silently curled your fingers around the handle.

“I’m no virologist, but one of the humans I picked up from the 32nd century must have –”

You lurched forward, but in less than a second you were on your back on the solid metal floor. You weren’t even fully certain of what had happened until you saw the handle of the knife you’d been holding sticking out of your thigh vertically. The pain didn’t fully register for a few moments, but once it did you were frantically reaching for it.

A kick to your chin knocked you straight back down again, more uncomfortably than the first time. Missy was standing over you, seemingly unfazed by your actions.

“Cheeky,” she scolded you in a tone far less menacing than you’d expected. She gathered up her skirt enough for her to lift her leg to rest the sole of her boot over the top of the handle, and began to push down. “I left that in there for you, you know. I was wondering what you’d try to do with it.”

You screamed, desperately squirming, attempting to sit up and push her leg away but finding yourself in far too much blistering agony to do so. The blade of the knife slowly vanished into the soft meat of your leg.

Missy smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I hope we’ve learnt our lesson for today, my dear.”

Her foot finally lifted from the knife. It was fully sheathed inside your thigh now. Your clothes were starting to stain with blood already as it seeped through the narrow gaps around the blade.

You squeezed your eyes closed. “Why . . .”

She knelt down beside you and leaned closer. “Beg pardon?”

“. . . Why me?”

Her hand cupped your cheek. You felt it, her warm palm caress your face just moments after she’d mutilated your leg. You hesitantly opened your eyes.

Missy grinned toothily, joviality in her eyes. “You and I are going to have so much fun, poppet.”

#doctor who #doctor who x reader #missy x reader #doctor who missy #reader insert #bbc doctor who #the master x reader #spent about 20 minutes choosing a gif icl #obey your mistress

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livingalifeofasimp · 3 years ago

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Yandere genshin impact boys with gn s/o who is now also an adventure like aether. Not to mention they were in relationship with him. So.....headcannon? Like I don't want where they will make aether and s/o break up. I want they to suffer! 😌 Have a great day and night!

This request really is interesting!. I hope you like ~

Warning : Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, it's purely for entertainment purpose and nothing else. It must not be romanticized in real life. Arts are not mine only the content is.

🧡ℂ𝕙𝕚𝕝𝕕𝕖🧡

➳You were just an enemy, not a strong opponent but strong enough to surprise him and is constantly improving. Your presence was a mere amusement to him or a stranger who crossed his paths one or two times. You meet Childe when he challenges you and Aether in one of your adventures.

➳You thought he was a guy full of himself but unfortunately you and Aether got forced to work with Childe in a case, unwillingly you supported Aether's decision. Honestly you never expected to see how much he cares for the people he loves and protects them, there was so much more than he shows.

➳It changed your attitude and perspective of him. Sometimes he can be a jerk . Still, you let your guards down since you both will be working partners even if it's for a limited amount of time.

***

➥Never have Childe lost a battle so miserably in a battlefield of love. It feels way far worse than losing a battle almost like he lost his heart and himself.

➥He wasn't able to understand how his hobby of teasing and testing you turned into a habit of being near you all the time, making him addicted to your presence next to him. Everytime when you were in danger, Childe jumped in the scene to protect you, even after knowing you could handle it, without caring about his situation.

➥He should have observed how protective and lovingly Aether looks at you and what's more worst to him is that you look at Aether the same way. Not a single detail went past his observation yet, this? Maybe he never wanted to observe or know such a thing between you both.

➥He saved you, why did you run to save Aether risking your life again?, everything became clear when he saw you both hugging and holding hands. Friends ain't like that. No longer, Childe was a cheerful, determined guy like he was before. Shutting himself away from the world falling into abyss, no tears were left to cry. People who knew him got concerned about his health.

➥What a great despair he is it? His situation is so laughable not even he knew how crazy his love for you is making him. He wants to make you feel the same pain, will you be able to take it?. But how can he hurt you, he loves you so much. How can he fall in love with his friend's girl? Knowing how happy they are together and he is just an extra.

❤️𝔻𝕚𝕝𝕦𝕔❤️

➳As a foreigner in Mondstadt, you searched for a job and luckily found a vacant seat in Dawn winery, since it's only for a few months you got along with the fate, it's better than nothing, besides payment was quite high and could cover up your expenditures.

➳You discovered that it was owned by a young man which was quite surprising to you. At first you did not have a good option on Diluc, your boss who you never actually interacted with but everyone's past eventually finds their way to other's ears and it was the same in your case.

➳What a miserable past he had gone through, not that it's your business nevertheless it changed the way you saw him. You felt bad for him when he had to work alone on holidays so sometimes you volunteered. One of the reasons was extra pay, he was a good boss to you.

***

➥Diluc didn't knew what he was feeling for you is. Is it friendship? companionship? or love?. It was for sure that his heart fluttered every time he saw you, you made him dress nice for you and behave differently in a way you don't think bad of him, so he tried and tried, sometimes made jokes to make you laugh.

➥It was so frustrating for him to see you sad. And now after all this when he saw you with a blonde guy who came to pick you after your shift made him lose his sanity. Who is he to you? Why are you so happy to see him? You never smiled like that at him.

➥It was exactly what he thought, you had a lover before he came into the scene. Again he was left alone in the darkness, alone, he is so afraid of being alone. Tears continually rolled down his cheeks, hitting floor . Why is everything so cruel to him? What did he ever do wrong? Why can't he live happily even if just for once?

➥When his heart finally fluttered for someone and he had a reason to wake up the next morning, you disappear, making his life far more miserable than it was. But does it matter? He is as miserable as he was before, did anything even changed? Diluc falled on his knees he was a fool to think he could ever be loved.

➥What is he supposed to do with these immense feelings for you?. Diluc is aware of how destructive it is, if he loses control then he will hurt you, you will never smile again. He couldn't bear it and he doesn't want to live in a world where he can't have you, so he destroys himself before he can destroy you, taking his breath away himself.

💙𝕂𝕒𝕖𝕪𝕒💙

➳Certainly you got dragged by your friends, after all you came back to your hometown from a long adventure. They wanted to catch up with you so how could you reject them? At the end you accepted their invitation. That's where you meet Kaeya, friend of your friends though you didn't pay him any attention because your friends kept on questioning you.

➳It was a sunny day when you decided to run errands, buying all the stuffs that was mentioned in your list, you got tired and visted the same place, you went few days ago with your friends. You liked the cocktail, it was of your favorite flavor. The drink was fresh so you thought of ordering it again, coincidentally meeting Kaeya and slowly you both became friends, helping and making fun of eachother.

***

➥This is not what he thought would happen! This is not how it was supposed to be! Kaeya's heart broke so bad, every moment it became harder to breathe, panic rose, he couldn't help but cover his mouth. A chuckle escapes his mouth.

➥For a minute how can he even think he deserves someone like you, look at you how happy you are, you are someone else's, so pure and perfect. Why didn't he realize it earlier? Why did he misunderstood your kindness for love?.

➥Kaeya wanted to purpose you, he was willing to be loyal to only you and keep eyes only for you. So when he heard from his friends who are your friends as well that you already had a lover for years and that you love him very much, it made him depressed.

➥Kaeya sat dissolved in own his sadness, a hand slides through his chest to his jaw, turning his face towards herself attempting to kiss him. As Kaeya's vision shifts on her, he realizes she is not you. Oh how good would it be, if you were the one he was holding, kissing and hugging.

➥He can't believe he became so miserable, constantly wanting to have you to himself. Kaeya pushes her hand away, his hands holded another glass of wine as he takes it down in one gulp imagining your smiling face towards him and hearing your sweet voice which are music to him.

➥Another woman leaned towards him, Kaeya chuckled to himself how dare he dreamed about you, you deserve so much better, not someone who is as dirty as him.

➥He knows it isn't possible to forget about you so he tries to find comfort in some other women and this time he pulled her towards him, kissing her deeply, tears falled down his eyes. Oh how good it would be if she was you.

🖤ℤ𝕙𝕠𝕟𝕘𝕝𝕚🖤

➳By the time you went back to meet your grandma, everything around the corner changed. You were happy to be able to meet her and see all those places you used to go when you was a kid, reminiscing and meeting all your old neighbors and childhood friends. They are still as fun as they were before.

➳When you got home you saw a handsome stranger in the living room and was shocked, he didn't seem to be a guy who could harm you or your grandma, by the way where is she?. Zhongli decides to introduce himself to free you from any discomfort.

➳Then suddenly your Grandma came in with a tray of food and started complimenting Zhongli saying that he is kind enough to help her with everything when no one is here with her. You thanked Zhongli for being so nice to your Grandma. You didn't knew that your Grandma was rooting for you both because she thought Zhongli is a good guy who can keep you happy all your life.

➳Strangely you always found yourself alone with Zhongli most of the time, and when you knew why these coincidences happened, you explained to your Grandma that you already had someone and humbly rejected Zhongli.

***

➥Zhongli holded his head with his hands so hard, hoping to stop his thoughts about you. It was not his plan to love because they are gonna die anyways like his friends did. So why isn't he able to think you are dead for him. Your face, laugh, smiles and everything, even a smallest detail constantly hovers over his mind.

➥This is not what he is expected to do, but he just can't stop thinking about you and the more he thinks about you, the more sinful it becomes, desiring to tear down your perfect picture with your loved one and pull you to him. He can easily take you to himself, you will eventually love him, if you get to know him, his love, you surely will love him, right?.

➥Zhongli notices that his thoughts are becoming so corrupt, he must stop it. Zhongli threw all the expensive objects placed on the table with a shout losing his composure. Does she know how much he is going through? Tears threatened to fall down from his eyes, so Zhongli raised his head to prevent them from falling.

➥He never experienced such feelings, so much pain for not getting a chance to be with the person he wants the most. He is supposed to happily accept your decision and wish a good life for you and Aether but his heart wants to take you for himself and make you love only him; however, he must do what is right. Perhaps what's best for him is to think you are dead and grieve. Since he hardly believes he can ever stop feeling what he feels for you. He is such a fool for you.

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ruelpsen · 2 months ago

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As a disclaimer, I have been stick thin my whole life until recently, so my own experiences with fatphobia are pretty limited simply because I'm not in the demographic primarily targeted by it. But because I know I have blind spots from lacking that personal experience, I read and engage with fat theory/scholarship for my own interest (and out of academic interests too, having one foot in the humanities). And believe me, I have gotten so much out of it!- but what's been most damning to me in understanding how deep fatphobia runs in modern society is what I've witnessed growing up being the one thin person in my immediate family.

From what I've seen on here, I don't think some people realize how bad systemic fatphobia really is. It can look like having to explain to your 60-something-year-old parent on the verge of tears over their BMI how and why BMI is a bullshit measure of health. It's having your other parent make snide comments to you about a relative's weight gain 'affecting their looks' at said relative's own wedding despite the fact they're pretty damn close in size. It's watching your sibling cut out foods they like from their diet cold turkey because they don't think those things are worth indulging in, even in moderation. And yeah, it's also being expected to stay skinny as a self-hating teenager because the adults in my life didn't want me to end up 'like them' in physique.

The worst part of it is that they didn't realize how fucked up those mindsets are, much less that they're perpetuating harmful ideas to the detriment of themselves and others. Through no fault of their own, they're so wrapped up in the messages that society has given them about their bodies to the point that they have a hard time seeing alternate, kinder approaches towards their weight. Seeing firsthand how fatphobia drives self-hate to the point that they feel they have to perpetuate the same impossible standards is hard. It's harder when it's people you love.

I guess what I mean to say is if you're a thin feedist, seriously take the time to listen to the fat people in your life about their experiences. There's a lot of it that isn't pretty, but you can be part of the change to make this world more size-inclusive and less fatphobic, and undo your own misunderstandings/ lack of understanding about fatness at the same time. I'm not saying you need to read a ton of theory- though of course I highly recommend it!- but at the bare minimum, at least check your own biases and show your care and support for the fat people in your life. Show them that you love them as they are! Use what you've learned from liberation-minded and body-positive activists and feedists to fight the fatphobia you see. And again, it doesn't need to be some grand thing. You could explain to someone why BMI is bullshit. You could suggest to your friends that insulting people based on weight isn't cool. You can simply tell someone you care about that they look good today.

And also, because this is coming from someone in a feedist space: for the love of all that is good, the minimum of your engagement with fat people shouldn't be jerking it to them on the internet and nothing more. You're doing a disservice to others by treating fat people as little to nothing more than wank material and to yourself by reinforcing that simplistic view in your brain. Start by listening to fat people talking about fatphobia, at the very least, or else you will end up with a very tainted view of what fatness is as a physical and sociopolitical reality. The more you listen, the more you'll understand how truly engrained fatphobia is in our society. And through that understanding, hopefully, you will see that solidarity is a must if we ever want to have a society free of fatphobia and all the harmful ways of treating/viewing the body that come with it.

So what this all boils down to, I guess: fellow skinny feedists, seriously listen to the people at the heart of this community about fatphobia. You've got to tackle your own fatphobia (and/or blind spots in regard to it) if you are to ever be a part of a force for change for the better in regard to fatphobia. Systemic changes don't happen overnight, but there's things we can all learn to do to make this world kinder for fat people.

I think something that still needs to be internalized by many thin people in feedist spaces is how truly pervasive and insidious fatphobia is in modern culture, and that as a result you really need to be aware of how your personal views on fatness compare in respect to broader society

#this ended up being longer than i expected but yeah #i'm kinda tired so hopefully this makes sense #i've just been thinking about this a lot lately and figured i might as well articulate a couple thoughts together #namely how gut-wrenching it is to see fat people you love being made to feel like shit for who they are #and the ignorance i still see among some skinny people on here #like seriously just take a few minutes to unlearn faulty old 'science' and show some damn respect for fat people #it really shouldn't be that hard #body politics

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yesimwriting · 3 years ago

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hiii, this might seem weird but do u have any head cannons for when the reader is pregnant and how the Darkling would react?

a/n love this concept,, it's not weird at all!! i feel like there's so much here!! also i leave for college this month and im lowkey starting to freak out so ive been watching star wars movies for comfort 😭and now i have half a mind to write for them, especially the prequels (cough, cough,, anakin) 😭 😭 that should tell you where i am mentally

anyways lets get into the headcanons:))

- okay so like most of my headcanons, this is probably going to be all over the place bc i feel like so many different things could change how he would react. Like if the darkling x reader have been trying to get pregnant, or an unplanned pregnancy with someone he really likes, i also think whether or not the reader is a grisha affects his reaction too

- in general though, i think he'd lowkey have a breeding kink he'd def find something about the thought of you having his child really attractive bc for one thing, he wouldn't have to worry about being left alone and now he has an excuse to be a real 'protector'.

- also if youve read my other headcanons i am 100000% convinced that he has this thing where if he really likes someone he needs them to need him (let's all remember the whole 'i will strip you of everything you know and love speech until I'm your only shelter' speech he gave to Alina)

- also i kinda want to write a fic or blurb series or something that's just the darkling being super toxic in super thoughtful ways LMAO if that makes sense, like he's being super sweet but it's to make sure the reader is dependent on him

- and he def wants to be the protector to give himself some sense of assurance bc he's so desperate to not be alone anymore and bc the reader is the only person he has/loves, he wants to feel in control and like he's the less attached one

- okay,, let's get back to the pregnancy thing, anyways, your pregnancy is most definitely activating all of those senses and this was meant to be a sub plot but it kind of became it's own thing lol

- so lets get to the actual pregnancy reaction

if you two have been trying to get pregnant:

- when you tell him, he kind of like, pauses bc it's not every day that he gets surprised so it takes him a moment to register that he's experiencing shock lol, so he tenses and goes islent

- and then after he realizes that he's surprised and that it's bc of a good thing, he manages to relax

- meanwhile you're kind of freaking out bc he got so quiet?? you start to wonder if he's regretting ever wanting a child with you? and you're like two seconds away from a downspiral and then he...

- he touches your cheek and looks at you in a way you've never seen him look at anyone,, not even you

- the look is so warm and strong and full of fierce admiration that you feel foolish for ever thinking he didn't want this. And then he says something about how you're carrying his child and how he didn't realize he could adore you more and then he kisses you and it's all :)) warm:)

- he doesn't want anyone to know that he's expecting a child as long as possible bc of how many enemies he has and how he has to worry about you enough when people just know that you're his 'lover' (a title you never really liked, but one he tells you is necessary to make sure no one realizes the extent of his attachment)

- if you really want to tell your mother or someone of that relation, he won't be mad about it, but he just needs to know

- Genya is the only exception bc the darkling basically instructs her to look out for you,, but when you tell her she's like oh?? you guys just found out?

- miss girl most definitely noticed like a day and a half ago after you cried bc she couldn't find you ice cream the other night 😭and she just assumed you knew but weren't ready to tell anyone

- okay so this what i think is his most problematic expecting father trait would be. So i just ranted about how important secrecy would be to him but he's also the most overprotective person in the entire world,, like he was bad before but once he knows your with child?? yeah, if a man asks you about the weather, he's done for

- he's next to you in a second, ordering either you or the man to do some asinine task

- if you get mad about this (rightfully so) or even just point out how nothing is wrong and you having a casual conversation with a man who isn't even looking at you sexually won't hurt you or the baby, he'll lose rationality

- it depends on how much you push, but it'd be super easy to make him super possessive bc like i said, being bonded by a child has made him so much more intense (and he was pretty intense before)

- and if you push too much he'll lowkey forget about how cautious he's trying to be with you and pin you against the nearest wall and say something along the lines of 'are you already forgetting you're mine? that i own you, body and soul--is my child growing in you not enough of a reminder? because i'll give you another one if you need it.' (AH--i want to write a whole fic based on this line)

- also if the reader is grisha, especially if she's a sun summoner/special grisha like him, he def talks about the power that they've created and how proud he already is and how he can't wait to train together and be the most powerful family in the world

- not everything is perfectly happy though, bc now he feels more pressure to complete his plan and establish the world he wants his child to be born into

- so sometimes when he's working extra hard or is extra aggressive for no reason, you have to work at calming him down and reminding him that the best thing he can do for his child is be there for them (and the child's mother,, lol)

- sometimes he'll respond by actually listening to you and trying to make up for his absence or his aggression by being extra soft until you finally forgive him

- you never last that long, it's hard to be mad at him when he's coddling you and whispering such sweet things about he's so happy to have you and your future child

- overall, his first reaction is to swell with emotion, which he isn't used to, and so he becomes super protective but also extra lovey and you know that his overreactions are just him trying to show that he cares about you and your future child more than anything

If the pregnancy was unplanned:

- the initial reaction is pretty similar, only his state of shock lasts longer

- like i said at the beginning, he's not used to being surprised and an accidental pregnancy is so much more surprising than a planned pregnancy

- this really sucks for you bc he's not exactly known for his patience so you just kinda sit there and genuinely wonder if you're going to be a single mom or if you're going to want to deletus the fetus or something

- but then he takes a step towards you and you see how he's looking at you and you just know that that fierceness has to mean something good

- and at this point you're scared and nervous and feel so alone so tears are pricking at your eyes,, so he wipes his thumb across your cheek to wipe away tears you won't let spill

- he then whispers something really sweet about how you two are now together forever, as you should be

- it's really relieving bc you felt so alone and uncertain and he's such a smooth speaker that by the end of the night, you feel like this is a good thing

- if youre still hesitant/weighing your options, he's not above trying to (gently) manipulate you into thinking that what he wants may be the only way

- by that,, i don't mean outright tricking you bc he means everything he says, but he def is pushing the keeping the baby agenda,, especially if you're a grisha,, and even more so if you're a grisha with similar power levels to him

- he won't get angry at first bc he's not so out of touch that he's unaware of how shocking a pregnancy is to a woman who wasn't planning one,, but his patience is limited and if you fight it too much he will get mad and yell

- but unless you really don't want to have a child, it won't get to that bc he makes the idea of having a baby with him sound so perfect?? like you genuinely don't understand how he did that

- he chases away all of your worries and assures you that youre not alone and that even though it isn't planned he wouldn't rather anyone else carry his child

- the initial conversation would probably end in you two sleeping together again bc he finds the fact that you're carrying his child so attractive and bc being aware of the pregnancy makes him more possessive

- it's also a good way to fight any of your doubts

- speaking of being possessive though,, i feel like he could be a little more possessive/protective of a reader who didn't plan on getting pregnant bc your relationship has been less established

- no one sees you as anything to him and he doesn't want to start rumors now bc it's important to him that his enemies don't find out about you or his future child so he doesn't want that to change

- but he almost forgets about all of those reasons each time he sees a man get a little too close,, especially if that guy is flirty

- it takes all of his will power to not just go 'she's mine and if i wasn't worried about the stress that witnessing something violent would cause our unborn child, you'd be dead already, but if you're not gone by the time i turn around, i'll forget about caution'

- lots of close calls ngl!! at one point youre like 'if it bothers you so much, maybe you should tell someone??' and he's like 'no,, maybe,, shut up' and then you raise one eyebrow and he just closes his mouth and is like 'i mean,, i'll kiss you to shut you up, haha--dont be mad'

- youre the one that's pregnant but sometimes you think he might be the one experiencing the mood swings i swear 😭

- so your little theory gets tested,, he's not the type to gossip with his besties and be like 'guess who's officially my girlfriend, i knocked her up but it's not like it sounds--'

- so he's like ig you can tell genya

- once again genya is like ?? yall thought you were keeping that secret? couldn't be me

- but having it a little out in the open helps ease him just enough that youre actually capable of consoling him when he becomes jealous

- still though,, he's quick to go into possessive/pregnancy kink sex

- youre most def not mad about it,, unless pregnancy has you particularly sore

- he's normally pretty understanding about that and def doesn't mind pulling his weight in the bedroom when he needs

- honestly he'd be really good at being a source of calmness at the beginning, but as time goes on he becomes more and more worried about finishing his plans bc he didn't expect to have a child right now

- so he'd be more adamant about working/becoming more tense and would be more difficult to console if it was an accidental pregnancy

- when you call him out on it--or on anything while your pregnant--it's frustrating for you both bc the number one thing everyone knows is stress is bad for baby, so he's trying to keep you calm without backing down

- these argument always end with one of you clinging to the other,, and then the more angrier of the two just like shuts up, rolls their eyes, and lets go of the argument...at least for now

- the main difference between an accidental and intentional pregnancy would probably be how you perceive him,, bc an intentional pregnancy means youve talked about things but since you havent talked about anything your shocked about how soft he becomes ??

#headcanons #headcanon #darkling x reader #the darkling x reader #the darking x you #aleksander morozova x reader #general kirigan x you #general kirigan imagine #grishaverse imagine #grishaverse #shadow and bone #shadow and bone x reader #aleksander morovoza x reader #aleksander morozova imagine

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