#if not as an active f/o then just a reminder of my roots (since i think he was one of the ogs? from way back when)

[wishi-selfships]

One more day before the end of the world (I turn 19....)

[i-write-boop-spoops]

N Harmonia Fluff Alphabet

One anon asked for an N fluff alphabet and another asked for just any N content, so I hope this sates you both!

Not proof read so rip me

Enjoy!

A = Activities (what do they like to do with their s/o? how do they spend their free time?)

Rather expectantly, N loves looking after Pokemon with you! Whether you’re playing with, feeding or tending to them, he really enjoys seeing you being so sweet and kind to cute little mons and giant scary monsters alike.

He also loves just snuggling up with you and playing with each other’s’ hair. He really cherishes that kind of gentle, intimate affection.

Other than that, he really enjoys doing mundane things with you, stuff like going grocery shopping, cleaning the house, gardening etc, even before you live together. There’s something very comforting about it.

Oh, and he loves dancing with you!

B = Beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?)

He admires your kindness obviously, but also your determination and resilience! He thinks you’re so strong, and in turn, it emboldens him too!

As for physical beauty? He loves your smile, even just a little quirk of your lips makes him so happy. It’s just so precious!

C = Comfort (how do they help their s/o when they feel down? what makes them feel better?)

N isn’t the best at this kind of stuff, but he definitely tries his best to offer you support. Usually he just sits with you and lets you vent, or cry into his shoulder, often bringing a cute pokemon with him to cheer you up. He also likes bringing you on walks, hoping it might clear your head.

His words of affirmation, though few, are quite powerful, so you know he means them.

When he’s sad, he’d like to be treated in a similar fashion, just quiet support and cute Pokemon

D = Dreams (how do they picture their future with their s/o and in general?)

N doesn’t really know how he wants his life to go, the only thing he’s certain of is that he wants to continue improving the relationships between humans and Pokemon, and that he wants to be with you for the rest of time.

E = Equal (are they the dominant one in the relationship or are they rather passive?)

Due to his lack of experience, he’s definitely more on the passive side, preferring to let you take the lead when it comes to dates and stuff. Though he has no problem asserting himself (gently) if he wants to do something else instead.

F = Fight (how quick are they to forgive their s/o? what are they like in an argument? who says sorry first?)

N hates fighting with you, absolutely despises it, so he tends to avoid it when he can. Inevitably, like in all relationships, you end up in a few spats. He’s never mean to you, but he does try talk over you and has a habit of just walking out instead of working out the issue right away. Really he just goes for a walk to calm him down, and he’s usually back in an hour or two, but you probably don’t solve your disagreement until the next day.

He finds it quite easy to admit fault and apologise, so you don’t have to weasel a ‘sorry’ out of him. And due to his earnest nature, you know he means it.

G = Gifts (what kind of things do they gift to their s/o? are they spontaneous or do they stick to special events like anniversaries?)

When N gives a gift, most of the time, he doesn’t even realise it. He just sees something he thinks you’d like and just gives it to you without a second thought. Usually it’s pretty flora or candy, occasionally it’s a plush. Sometimes you get gifts very often, sometimes it’s weeks, maybe months, between each present.

H = Heart Eyes (what are they like in love? is it obvious to others? how do they express their love? do they brag about their s/o to others?)

N can be described as blissfully confused when in love. So soft and blushy and not totally sure what he’s feeling, but he sure does love it, and you. His Pokemon friends pick up on it immediately and root for the two of you.

Unintentionally brags. He just thinks you’re swell and tends to bring that up often, but he’s not trying to gloat.

I = Impression (what first attracted them to their s/o? how accurate was their first impression to how their s/o actually is?)

You seemed to handle that little joltik so carefully as you returned it to its mother galvantula, without an ounce of fear or malice in your eyes, and truly only kindness in your heart. It made him feel so at ease, like he had found a kindred spirit.

Not only was he right, he also found his soulmate too,

J = Jealousy (do they get jealous easily? how do they deal with it?)

N doesn’t quite understand jealousy. Like, you love each other, what does he have to worry about? He likes your friends a lot, and he finds anybody who tries to flirt with you more annoying than anything else

K = Kiss (are they a good kisser? what was their first kiss like? where do they kiss the most?)

At the beginning, N’s kisses are sweet but awkward, he’s so new to it, so he’s a bit afraid he might make a mistake. As your relationships progresses though, he becomes more comfortable and confident with it, and kisses reflect that, so soft and caring and full of meaning

I did a whole thing about N and kissing here

L = Little Things (what are the little things they love about their s/o? are they attentive?)

Really what doesn’t he love? It’s not that he puts you on a pedestal, he just genuinely finds you amazing and he loves you so much

M = Marriage (do they want to get married? how do they propose? what would the wedding be like?)

N doesn’t feel the need to marry you, as long as you’re in love, that’s what matters to him, a piece of paper doesn’t make it any more valid than it is in his eyes.

That being said, if you want to get married, he’s down for it, but don’t expect anything sappy or traditional. No proposal, no huge event, just the two of you exchanging heartfelt vows at the courthouse, with matching rings.

N = Nicknames (what do they call their s/o? what do they get called?)

He doesn’t really use nicknames, just the occasionally “Love” or “Dear”

On the flipside, he loves your nicknames for him. Some of his favourites are “Cutie”, “Sweetie”, “Greenie” and “Nat”

O = Open (do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? is it easy for them to share?)

While I wouldn’t say N is an open book, he doesn’t really hide things from you. He tells you how he feels without much fanfare, and you’re made aware of his past quite early on, even before you started dating.

P = Pancakes (are they a good cook? how often do they cook for their s/o? breakfast in bed or fancy dinner dates?)

N’s actually pretty good at cooking, and tends to cook pretty often, especially when you’re on the road together. His meals are simple and comforting, sometimes spicy, lots of soups and curries and rice.

Since he’s vegetarian, he prefers to cook for the two of you instead of going out, since most restaurants don’t have great options for him. That being said, if you find a place with a good menu, he’s totally down to take you there.

Q = Quirk (a random quality/ability that is beneficial to their relationship.)

N does not understand the concept of BS, so you don’t have to worry about playing weird mind games to find out what he really wants. As a result, your relationship is quite chill

R = Romance (how romantic are they? are they cliché or creative?)

Again, he’s not traditionally romantic, but he does care about you quite a lot and loves making you smile. And while it doesn’t say “I love you” very often, he means it, and that is a lot more valuable than any serenade or flower bouquet

S = Sleep (who falls asleep first? do they need their s/o close to them? do they have any bad habits?)

If you play with his hair, he’s out like a light. While he’s cuddles are lax and loose when he’s awake, he hugs you like a teddy when he’s fast asleep.

His sleep routine is shit though.

T = Thrill (do they need to spice up their relationship with new things or do they stick to a routine? how often do they do new things?)

N loves the cosiness of domestic mundanity, so it’s safe to say he likes to play it, well, safe. It gives him a sense of comfort and stability that he really appreciates.

U = Unity (did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? what traits do they share?)

Through being with you, N learns to be more attentive and emotional (in a healthy way), and to appreciate humans even more. He also feels more human too.

While you already loved Pokemon, he makes you see how truly amazing and special they are, and treat them even better than you did before.

V = Value (how important is their relationship to them? what is it worth compared to other things in their life?)

Your relationship is very important to him, but deep down, you know his love for Pokemon trumps his love for you. Though it never causes an issue with you

W = Wild Card (a random fluff headcanon.)

Likes to make matching flower crowns for the two of you and whatever Pokemon you’’re with at the time!

X = XOXO (do they like to kiss and cuddle? are they upfront about their relationship or rather shy when in public?)

N loves fluttery kisses and really tender hugs and cuddles, ones when you’re loosely tanged together and gently stroking each other’s skin.

He is not a PDA person at all, besides holding your hand and the occasional kiss. Some of it is shyness, but it’s mostly because he doesn’t feel the need to prove your relationship to anyone. He doesn’t use affection lightly.

Y = Yearning (how do they cope when they spend time away from their s/o? do they miss their s/o?)

He’s pretty okay on his own, since he’s quite used to it, but he does still miss you a lot. He finds comfort in things that remind you of him, a certain scent, a flower, a sound, even a Pokemon, it makes him feel like you’re with him

Z = Zoo (do they have pets? do they want some in the future?)

N doesn’t have any pets, mainly because he thinks Pokemon are friends. How many Poke-friends does he have? Too many for even him to count. My man radiates serious Disney Princess energy with the way Pokemon seem to flock to him.

That being said, he’s not against good people having Pokemon as pets, so if you have pokemon, you know he’ll be the best dad to them ever.

[fallencomrade]

𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙿𝙸𝙻𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙽𝙴𝚆 𝚂𝙸𝙶𝙽𝙰𝙻   //     T̷ R̷ A̷ N̷ S̷ M̷ I̷ T̷ T̷ I̷ N̷ G̷ . . .   𝙸𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚇𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙵𝚁𝙾𝙼 𝙰𝚁𝙲𝙷𝙸𝚅𝙴𝚂  //   [ SOURCE ]   𝚄𝚂𝙴𝚁 𝙸𝙳 :   𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐶𝐴𝑃𝑇𝐴𝐼𝑁.   ↦   @dustxrgcld

     𝐇𝐈𝐒  𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃,  a  forgotten  memory  outlined  in  GOLD  and  dripping  with ...  nostalgia.  &&  that  is  strange  and  new  for  the  winter  soldier  -  who  does  not  have  a  past  and  cannot  recognize  color.  his  orders  have  changed  with  the  passage  of  time,  as  have  his  superiors,  his  handlers.  his  activation  signaled  a  new  mission,  new  objectives,  new  targets  ;;  so  many  faces...  so  many  names...   IRRELEVANT.   f o r g o t t e n.   &&  when  history  did  not  cooperate,  history  was  changed ...   but  one  thing  has  remained  constant  throughout  the  course  of  the  soldier’s  activation.  he  has  always  understood  his  purpose,  his  place  ;;  where  he  belongs  within  the  spectrum  of  existence.  how  he  compares  to  the  living.  how  he  differs.  the  winter  soldier  does  not  have  a  name.  he  does  not  have  a  face.  he  is  a  GHOST  ;;  a  weapon,  a  tool  which  shapes  the  future,  utilized  and  authorized  by  hydra  and  only  hydra.  

                 H Ɛ I L   H Ɣ Ɖ R A.

     he  knows  his  place.    it  is  all  very  simple...    &&  yet,  in  his  current  state  of  existence,  he  is  in  DIRECT VIOLATION  of  all  that  which  he  claims  to  know.  ever  since  his  heinous  failure  securing  project  insight,  aberrations  from  what  he  knows  have  been  unraveling  at  an  alarming  rate  -  and  despite  being  painfully  aware  of  his  WRONGNESS,  he  continues  to  deviate.  he  was  meant  to  kill  the  captain  atop  that  helicarrier.  instead,  the  soldier  jumped  into  cold  waters  and  fished  him  from  the  river.  ( HE HAD SAVED HIM. )  he  was  supposed  to  secure  the  success  of  project  insight,  and  instead,  he  watched  it  unfold  into  ruin.  upon  failure,  he  was  supposed  to  return  to  his  handlers  to  be  reprimanded,  wiped,  reprogrammed,  stored  and  deactivated  -  and  yet,  he  ran.  he  violated  his  most  basic,  simple  programming  and  continues  to  disobey.  the  soldier  does  not  understand  why  he  continues  to  behave  in  this  broken  state,  but  he  does  know  the  aberrations  started  when  the  man  standing  before  him  now  pulled  back  his  punch  and  gave  him  a  name.  the  complexities  of  human  nature  have  no  standing  in  the  mind  of  a  weapon.  the  catalyst  escapes  him  ;;  he  cannot  explain.  so,  he  will  continue  to  run  -  rampant,  out - of - control,  resisting,  BROKEN  -  until  someone  comes  along  who  is  strong  enough  to  bring  him  in  and  FIX  him.  

     hydra  has  tried,  determined  to  rise  once  again  from  the  ashes  of  their  defeat.  shield  has  tried,  disgraced  &&  desperate  to  assure  the  populace  of  their  noble  intentions.  various  governments  and  militias  have  tried,  eager  to  take  advantage  of  the  opportunity.  many  have  tried,  but  none  have  been  able  to  catch  him,  let  alone  get  close  enough  to  even  try.  no  one  -  except  the  captain.  whatever  the  glitch  was  that  caused  the  steady  unraveling  of  his  code,  it  was  placed  into  his  mind  by  this  man.  he  was  the  SOURCE,  the  root  cause  for  the  soldier’s  rapid  deterioration.  HE  IS  DANGEROUS.    he  will  destroy  you ...    

     to  an  instrument  as  calculated  as  the  winter  soldier,  there  is  no  greater  THREAT  than  the  uncertainty  of  this  man.  steve  rogers  is  a  deviation  from  the  expected  and  that  is  aggravating  because  it  makes  predicting  his  moves  next  to  impossible.  the  soldier  expects  violence,  combat,  brutality,  bloodshed.  he  is  rigorously  prepared  for  such  scenarios.  the  captain  however  approaches  not  as  a  combatant,  not  as  an  enemy  -  but  as  a...  friend ?  he  refuses  to  let  up,  refuses  to  attack  or  attempt  to  detain.  he  just  keeps  following  him,  always  with  an  extended  hand  -  as  if  he  is  waiting  for  the  soldier  to  reach  out  and  grab  on.  the  asset  hears ...  wheels  clanking  against  train  tracks.  the  groan  of  rusted  metal  bending.  the  SCREAM  of  a  steam  engine.  GRAB MY HAND !  he  blinks  the  senses  away,  but  struggles  to  swallow  down  the  bile  which  rises  in  his  throat.  

     the  captain  relies  on  proven  tactics.  his  words  hold  weight,  power.  his  voice  pierce  him  like  knives,  inciting  a  reaction  from  the  soldier  who  responds  to  pain.  &&  yet,  despite  the  hysteria  shaking  inside  him ...  HE  IS  PARALYZED,  forced  to  rely  on  his  own  rusty  voice  instead  of  his  fists.  the  soldier  mobilizes  and  reminds  both  man  and  machine  that  the  captain  -  just  like  everyone  else  -  wants  something  from  him.  just  like  hydra  -  determined  to  claim  their  property  ;;  just  like  shield  -  determined  to  capture  their  scapegoat  ;;  just  like  the  united  nations  -  desperate  to  find  someone  to  crucify.  he  is  so  many  things ...  and  yet,  nothing.   nothing.   it  is  easy  to  be  nothing.  easy  to  keep  the  mask  on.   easier  to  feel  -  nothing.  dissociation  filters  into  his  bloodstream,  like  a  chemical.  frustration  starts  to  trickle  away.  disconnect  soldier.  disconnect  and  respond.

     ❛ i  am  not  your  bucky  barnes,  captain. ❜   he  saw  the  exhibit.  saw  the  faces,  the  photos,  the  videos.  read  the  stories,  the  memorials.  inseparable  on  both  schoolyard  and  battlefield ...   he  spent  hours  staring  back  at  a  face  that  mirrored  his  own.  james  buchanan  barnes  -  the  shadow  before  the  soldier.  maybe,  maybe  at  one  point  in  his  GRISLY  history  he  had  been ...  but  winter  consumes  daylight  and  reaps  all  traces  of  warmth,  like  blood  pouring  from  a  dying  body.  that  person  is  barely  anything  more  substantial  than  a  fading  echo  buried  beneath  a  mountain  of  snow.    

     — of  all  the  memories  that  have  returned  though ...  the  strongest  ones  ( the brightest ones )  all  have  something  in  common.   glossing  eyes  drift  towards  steve.  a  flicker  of  recognition,  quickly  extinguished.   ❛ i  am  not  your  friend. ❜

[remindme2breathe]

What comes easy won’t last long, and what lasts long won’t come easy

Here we are again. The flavor of the day is bland with a twist of desperation. 

I am not perfect by any means. I make mistakes and like to think I’ve been capable of owning them. I’ve always thought of myself to be fairly level headed, someone who can look at the bigger picture from everyone’s position. I have been overly accommodating to the people who surround me, I try way harder for them then I do for myself. I am guilty of being ‘a people pleaser’. I don’t know when that started really, but in my 30′s it became severely obvious, and I kinda hate myself for that. 

I am walking into my 8th year of my relationship with my boyfriend... B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D. Not Fiance, not husband... shit, hardly a partner. He is a BOY, and I am stuck here. Not against my will obviously, I can kick him out whenever I please, however, my life with him is a complicated one that effects too many people (there I am, people pleasing again. Buckle up folks, this happens often). 

I am 7 years older then my boyfriend, let’s call him Blu (that was my dog’s name). I met Blu by accident actually. In May of 2013 my then husband and I decided we just could not work it out anymore and we split ways. We were cordial, able to remain friendly for the sake of our kids. We accepted that although we failed MARRIAGE, we will not fail Co-Parenting. He left our family home in May and by September I met Blu. There’s some chaos there but I’ll tell that tale on another occasion. Remember when I said I met Blu by accident? I was serious. I had a friend named Emma who loved drama! She came to my house and told me about a site that she found out her boyfriend was on and she wanted to see if he would flirt with me (or another fake identity she made up to be honest, she just used my information to create an account), I call that playing with fire, but you know how that can go. Anyway, she did what she needed to and got the information that she wanted. I was uninterested in those apps so I never bothered to look into it. A couple of days later someone named Blu would send me multiple messages trying to get me to talk. I decided to respond, I explained that my name wasn’t what was listed and explained the whole situation to him, he just laughed it off. I didn’t know then that he was so familiar with drama like my darling friends little stunt. Anyway, we got to talking and it was very soon when he asked if I was interested in meeting up. After all the crime shows and books I’m into it was a hard HELL NO for me. I asked him to give me a little time, I also explained my position. 

He told me a lot about himself, single dad, shares custody of two very young children with his ex. He lived with his parents about 2 miles from where I was. He didn’t seem cocky or arrogant, or maybe I just didn’t see it. We exited the chats and moved on to phone texts. He would message me every morning, afternoon and night. He knew about the age difference and didn’t care. Meanwhile I felt incredibly insecure about it. After about 7 weeks I finally caved and said I would meet him somewhere public, he said his family was having a BBQ at his house for me to just come by. I thought that out and figured: who would kill or rape me with all their family there?! So I went, but I never went inside his home. I stayed by my car, we talked for hours. I remember in the end I was fitting on the trunk of my car and him on the edge of the sidewalk... maybe 1:30 am when I finally decided to head home. He didn’t try any funny business, and was completely respectful. Before I left he asked if he can take me out to eat somewhere, like an official date, I still felt a little odd but I agreed. At that dinner I told him everything, about my pending divorce, how my custody is currently working, etc. 

Me and him were from different worlds entirely. There were a few occasions that really pointed the differences out. For example, he listens to REAL MEXICAN MUSIC (google CALIBRE 50) where as my Mexican music consisted of Reggeton, Salsa, Bachata. He was 100% grounded in his Mexican roots, where my mixed breed havin’ ass was raised in an American household, where dinners were served at a certain time, we ate together as a family, we attended church on Sundays, we were close. The structure of my life was typical American Family with the added components of my nationalities; Mexican and Puerto Rican. We didn’t curse around our elders, I didn’t know of drugs, or habits. That was the first shot, the second time I noticed the difference was in October when we made arrangements to carve pumpkins with his kids and mine. On that particular day his mom and sisters were home, so of course I invited them to participate. They looked at the pumpkins as though they just landed from outter space! The third time was just a couple of months after, December. While my house was decked out with Christmas trees, stockings, and nicely wrapped presents... his house had no tree, no gifts, nothing. 

We have gone through a lot over the years, mostly good things (or so I thought). Have you ever laid next to someone you felt the closest to and think Gosh, I don’t even know him? Eight years later and I still think that. I use to cry myself to sleep. I still feel so incredibly alone, and more so... misunderstood. The SANE me wants to think I have a right to think this way, but he comes in and convinces me that I am the problem. Meet Blu, head of the narcissists.

He is consumed with his cars, weed and sex. He has a problem with being faithful. And I have a problem with trusting him, and every time I feel I can let my guard down, he always comes in to remind me that I can’t. Things are about to get personal, I hope you don’t mind. 

The first time I found out about his ‘extra activities’ we were already living together, this was maybe a little over a year after we became official with each other. He left his phone in the living room and it was getting a ton of texts, to my luck he is also a very heavy sleeper. I opened the messages and read them (OMG WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGH HIS MESSAGES?! FK OFF KAREN, THIS IS MY REALITY, NOT YOURS!). It was a girl asking if he was gonna go by. I messaged her back as though I was him and she went along. I ended up waking him up, my eyes red and burning from all the crying. I asked him about it and all he was able to say is WHY ARE YOU GOING THROUGH MY PHONE, turned it off and went to bed. I remember feeling low, but that didn’t stop me dumb ass from going to lay next to him and crying until I fell asleep. He ended up changing his number after a few days and said he was ‘sorry’. Those types of situations happened maybe twice a year. 

In 2016 I helped him open his own business, he had no money so I put up most of it (yes, stupid, I hear ya!) with the condition that he would not be listed on any documents as an owner. He argued with me about me not making him feel like a man (people pleasing in 3, 2, 1...) So I added him to the paperwork. I felt bad for him, I never wanted him to feel like that despite what he made me feel like. On one occasion he was working late, me being scar’d for life, I called him about 12:20 am and asked if I could take him anything or if he needs something because he had been working since 2 pm. He told me he was fine, but I said OK LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. I went anyway to ‘take him food’, when I was driving up a black Honda was driving off, and there was Blu looking like he saw a ghost. I asked who that was an immediately he yelled and asked why I was there. I said that I brought him something to eat to which he said MY FRIEND JUST BROUGHT ME SOMETHING... my friend... hmmm... At about 4 a.m. I messaged and asked if he was ok and he said IM NOT COMING HOME, IM DONE! My pride didn’t allow this to just happen, I responded with OK. I locked his ATM card, Gas Card, and any credit lines. He came home (I thought he would) hootin and hollerin! I quietly took my explosion waiting for him to finish. At that point I said to just leave the work truck keys and to be on his way. He refused. 

In 2018 he started recording his phone calls for work purposes (you wouldn’t believe how many people try and cheat ya to save a buck!). I had access to the recordings but never listened to them because they were of a bunch of truckers asking for stuff. One day though, I was triggered. He said he was going to go down the street to help my sister and brother in law move something. I thought it was strange because my sister told me everything! So when he left I asked her about it, she said ‘yea it was weird he offered to come help’ I then asked her to call me once he left. About 10 minutes later I got the text “HEY SORRY HE LEFT LIKE 5 MINUTES AGO BACK HOME” We lived literally five minutes away, so I waited. After about 30 minutes I decided to listen to the recordings. He called a girl asking her to meet him in the Bank Of America Parking lot about 5 minutes the opposite way, he told her he was able to leave his kids with his dad for a little while so he can go see her. My heart SANK. I felt it at the pit of my stomach. This entire douche bag drove MY CAR to see some hoe??? FOR REAL! So I texted him and said where are you? He messaged about 10 minutes later and said IM ON MY WAY HOME I JUST FINISHED AT YOUR SISTERS. I didn’t respond. When he came it we went at it. Let me clear the air: I AM NOT AN ARGUER. I don’t find it useful to scream and yell, but my emotions were shot, I was on a different level now. I dropped the bomb! I guess he didn’t see it coming because he was unable to keep up with the shit storm I was dishing out. In the middle of it, that broad had the nerve to call him. I told him to answer it and he said no. When I got ahold of his phone he had the NUTS to tell me NOT TO FK IT UP FOR HIM. Shattered. I was non-existent. 

to be continued

[allurehq-blog]

blood status: halfblood clubs: gardening club pronouns: he/him sexuality: graysexual demiromantic

BIOGRAPHY

( sixteen )  –

The room was painted a dark blue with a white baseboard, wooden floors still gleaming from a recent shine. The bed was black along with all the matching furniture, and the pristineness of the whole thing made him reconsider having stepped inside with his shoes still on his feet. Too late to turn back now, he thought, since he was flanked and wouldn’t dare make a move out of turn. Too late to really turn back now, he thought, because there was nobody else to turn to, nothing to go back to. There was only the here and now and this family that Peter just realized was watching him expectantly, smiles wide on their faces.

“It’s really lovely, thank you, ma’am.”

The woman in question reached for his arm and squeezed it comfortingly. “What did I say about calling me ma’am? You can either call me mum or call me Emma.”

The man stepped up and wheeled his trunk up to the end of the bed, going back to pick up the two other bags that was all of his belongings and resting them on top of the covers. “And you can call me ‘o captain, my captain!’.”

Emma rolled her eyes and turned to Peter, shaking her head while jabbing a thumb in the direction of the man. “Don’t mind him, he always talks like that so I’ve learned to just tune it out. Call him Francis, as in he wishes he was F. Scott Fitzgerald.”

“Ouch. Sunk by my own wife, is there any harsher fate? It’s hardly my fault neither of you know Dead Poets Society… or Walt Whitman, for that matter!”

“Oh, hush. You’re scaring the boy. Go down and make some tea, captain, we’ll follow.”

With a laugh and a tip of his imaginary hat, Francis left and Peter, lost by the whole interaction, could only really watch him go. After his mother’s death, he knew that there would be changes, but he hadn’t expected the extent of it all: a new house, new family, new room. He didn’t even completely understand the whole process, only feeling as though he’d floated through all of it and hardly registering anything that was told him until finally he landed here, in a house twice the size of his old one in a room that was too big for his too few things that he now felt too ashamed to even display. So much of the process had been lost to him when he’d gone back to Hogwarts after his mother’s funeral and the reality of it, of having to go to a foster family since they had failed to find any trace of his father and he was effectively orphaned now, only hit him when he’d stepped off the train and through the wall to find a couple holding a sign with his name on it. The stuff of romcom movies, really.

“Are you okay? This must all be so overwhelming, Peter, I promise, it’s all going to be alright. You don’t have to call me mum, of course, I’m not trying to replace your mother. We’ll do our best to make you feel like you’ve been with us all along, but you’ve got to meet us halfway, okay?”

He felt sheepish then, a blossoming guilt taking root in his chest that made it impossible for him to speak so he nodded in response.

“Where’s your wand?”

“M-my-…”

“Yes, yes, your wand. I know you’re a wizard, Peter, I’m a squib myself. Or I was, I’m mostly Muggle now anyway, but I do keep in touch with the Ministry for situations like these. It’s so much better to be placed in homes like your old ones and I’m more than willing to help. It’s not often we get someone, but when we do, we do our best.”

Digging his hand into the inside of his coat, Peter offered the wand to her but she simply shook her head and pushed his hand back to him. “No, it’s fine. I just need you to keep it with you at all times. I don’t know if you’re allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts yet, but I hope you know you can’t do much of it here, at least not while my husband and my daughter are around. We don’t know yet if she can do magic herself, but that’s a whole other matter. If you have to apparate, you’ll have to go down the road, but other than that, you have all the freedom in the world.”

Finally finding his voice, Peter offered his new foster mother a shaky smile. “Thank you, Emma. I’ll try not to be a burden, you won’t even notice I’m here.”

Emma smiled back at him and nodded, squeezing his arm again.

“This may not be your permanent home, Peter, but as long as you’re with us, you’re as good as my son.

Welcome to the family.”

( fifteen )  –

Nature’s first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf’s a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf, So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day Nothing gold can stay.

His voice shook along with his hand, the strength that he’d so hopelessly tried to hold on to slipping his grasp as each word spoken led to another second of heartbreak, another second towards ruination. It even took effort just to manage to hold on to the piece of paper where he’d written them down, eventually letting it all go and unable to even watch it flutter downwind as finally, Peter had to cover his face with his hands and let the sobs rack his body, the endless tears seeping through the gaps of his fingers and running down his arm. It was early October and he had yet to even settle into being back at Hogwarts, still to shrug off the summer in her company where he’d help her with her flower beds, make her tea and spend afternoons with her in their living room, reading and rereading some of her favorite poems to her as she sat with her eyes closed and content, indulge her with her habits of taking him shopping and embarrassing him with her ridiculous suggestions of what he should wear, often sidling up to girls and asking them if they have a boyfriend before nudging in his direction. All of it was just minute memories, but after someone departs from the world, it was surprising how the smallest of details would come flying back, begging to be noticed and remembered.

And boy, did Peter Pettigrew remember.

He remembered how kind his mother had been… and how unkind the world could be to take her from him with such needless violence, shot when she’d gone downstairs after hearing the noise of someone who had stolen into their bare bones home to take what little they had.

He remembered the man’s face, the same wetness in his eyes as he blubbered apologies between his teeth, admonishing on how he hadn’t meant to, it was an accident, the woman had caught him by surprise and he would’ve tried to save her but there was so much blood and he got scared, he didn’t want to get caught, he didn’t want to go to jail…

… but did he ever think of what his mother wanted? Of what Peter wanted?

At fifteen, this shouldn’t be, he shouldn’t be standing over a coffin just yet, he shouldn’t be wailing over this loss just yet, he didn’t want any of this to be real, he didn’t want any of this to be permanent, but nothing gold can stay and nobody was more golden than his mother.

( fourteen )  –

“What are you interested in?”

There was that all too familiar twitch of his nose that showed how uncomfortable the question made him, but this was the level that their friendship had reached: that the other could ask knowing it wasn’t something a lot of people could do and that Peter would still consider replying instead of taking his usual route of clamming up or pretending that he hadn’t heard. It took a while, the other drifting from one bookshelf to another with him tailing behind aimlessly, shrugging his shoulders.

“Well. Y’know… I dunno.”

Gideon Prewett turned to him with a cocked eyebrow before reaching out and clapping a hand on his shoulder that somehow managed to both ease off all the tension that had been built up there but make him feel even worried and panicked. The boy had been with him when he’d been approached by McGonagall along the corridors, telling him that he needed to be more invested in school activities to bolster his education, Peter looking up to her in scared silence before Gideon took up his usual role as Peter’s voice and said that he’ll help him figure it out.

“There’s got to be something, Peter. Maybe you can… go to the Dueling Club with me? Could be fun.”

For a moment, Peter thought he was serious and had to actually turn and look the other squarely in the face to know better. It had never really crossed his head that he had to join any of the clubs around school, feeling as though there wasn’t really much that he could offer and not wanting to go through that process of being the new kid, being alienated and sticking to himself. He’d been through one too many situations similar to it and all of them had been torturous and mortifying. Thinking of them now only made him even more grateful that someone as giving as Gideon Prewett existed, someone quick to snatch him up during class when pairs were asked to be made, someone who helped him put his thoughts to words and knew when even that wasn’t necessary, implicitly understanding what he meant without having to give voice to it. If he was to open a dictionary to the word ‘lifesaver’, Peter was pretty sure Gideon’s smiling, radiant face would be looking back at him.

“Okay, okay, so maybe not the dueling club and not Quidditch either, unless they got an opening for professional fanboy,” here, a nudge was made to the boy’s ribs which then required retaliation and then another and another until eventually Madam Pince came up behind them to tell off. “You can try out the gardening club. Fab’s there so you’ll at least have a familiar face around you.”

“I forgot we even had that club. Do they, like… do I have to deal with Mandrakes?”

An eyeroll. “Peter.”

“Gideon.”

“What?”

“What?”

“… mandrakes?”

“You know how I feel about-…”

“Fine, yes, there will be Mandrakes, but unless they’re out of the pot and grown, they’re not going to kill you.”

“Yeah, but-…

“Peter. Just try it. I’ll tell Fabian.”

A pause. “… okay. Remind me to write my mum about it, she’ll just die knowing that all those hours wasted around her flowers are being put to good use. And thanks, Gid.

I dunno what I’d do without you.”

( eleven )  –

Peter Pettigrew didn’t know what he expected when he’d boarded the train on Platform 9 and ¾ - his father hadn’t told him stories of his time in Hogwarts because he didn’t tell any stories at all - but it definitely wasn’t that he’d instantly make three friends when they’d barged into his compartment, briefly asked if he had anyone else around and quickly made themselves settled into the empty seats, and it also definitely wasn’t that they’d still remain by his side even after all that, the four of them crossing the lake together while one of the boys jokingly stuck his hand into the water in the hopes that a supposed giant squid would cart him off to the magical water castle underneath the real castle. As he stood there in the crowd of equally anticipating eleven year olds, he took another glance at them and smiled to himself, feeling for the first time like he had some hope after all and that this wasn’t going to be as bad as he’d thought. He was still homesick and he wished as all hell that his mum was there next to him now to hold his hand and tell him that everything was going to be alright, but the encouraging smiles that he got from his newfound friends were enough to compensate for now.

Finally, when his name was called, he stiffened, finding himself stuck in place until he got shoved to the end of the steps by two pairs of hands, their snickering barely contained. He almost collapsed with the way that his knees shook as he made his way up the two, three steps to the harmless stool that stood at the middle of the platform, the rattiest looking hat imaginable sat on top of it. With one more glance at the professor who stood, waiting to plop the hat on his head, he sat with hands gripping the side of the stool so hard his knuckles were practically translucent. Which was lucky, because the hat suddenly sprung into life and twisted his head to the side, making him squeak and jump and almost fall off his chair if he hadn’t been holding on like his life depended on it.

“Ah! Pettigrew, Pettigrew… ah yes, your father, hmmm…”

There were questions at the tip of his tongue, dying to be asked, but he couldn’t give voice to them because he was too scared of what the outcome would be. It hit him how ridiculous it was that a talking hat could possibly know more about his father than the own son did. He wanted so badly to still be with his friends, but did they even allow kids to choose which house they should go to? Wasn’t that the whole point of having a sorting, so they’d sort you out instead of you doing that for yourself?

“Oh, I see. Made friends already, haven’t you? Yes, loyal friends indeed they are… but you are your father’s son, a Slytherin’s son….”

Still, he made no sound, maintain his look forward as he spotted one of the boys - Remus, he thought his name was, he remembered because he’d been the one to warn him about the chocolate frogs and had gotten berated for it by the other two boys because they were waiting for him to get a shock when he opened it - sitting at the Gryffindor table, their eyes meeting and Remus giving him a thumbs up for it. Already, he could feel himself warming up to him, to Sirius and James, to people who reminded him of home but also not of it, of so much more beyond it.

“You won’t even say anything, would you, boy? You don’t have to, I can see it, I can see your heart and what it wants. Oh, it wants so many things, things you haven’t even begun to know yet but already it wants it… and this house would be the only one to satisfy it, yes. Better be… Gryffindor!”

It took half a minute before he realized that he’d been sorted and another to get him to move, mouth gaping as he processed what had just happened. The words of the hat still rang in his ears, but it all got drowned out when James and Sirius ran up to him as he made his way down, clapping him on the shoulder and all but pushing him to Remus’ smiling face.

( two )  –

Object permanence: the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed.

At two years old, psychology says a child should have already grasped this, but rarely did they talk about the how.

A toy taken from his hand and hidden at the back of his head still exists.

A piece of food spooned to his mouth, while only momentarily, still exists.

A resentment buried for the sake of a child one of two never wanted in the first place, no matter how hard the attempt to suppress, still exists.

But what of a father? If a man was there one day and gone the next, bags in hand and shouting about never coming back, if a man left with a son too young to remember that he was ever there at all,

does he still exist?

( one )  –

“Are you absolutely sure? We know the papers we gave you already stated this, but he is still pretty weak, he was born premature, you see, so it’s going to be a lot of work from here on out, and we haven’t had the chance to-…”

“Yes. Yes, I’m sure, he’s the one, right, Roger?”

“Whatever you say, Amelia.”

“Well, if you’re sure, then follow me, Mr. and Mrs. Pettigrew, so we can finalize the paper work.”

“What’s his name?”

“Peter.”

CONNECTIONS

the marauders; the gift of family. being raised by a single mother in a poor area of london was all peter knew before coming to hogwarts. it was always like that, him and his mum - his father had been out of the picture since before he came into the world. he grew up sheltered against everything, his mother’s heartbreak and fear of trusting people casting a shadow onto his own life. she kept a tight hold onto him, as peter was the only one she could love and love her in return without fear that he would also leave her. he didn’t know any better as a boy, the life of just he and his mother the one reality he knew. the letter on the doorstop announcing his acceptance into hogwarts was what changed everything for him, though. it was a scary idea, the chance to step outside the comfortable bubble that had been made for himself - but at the same time, there was a part of him that was exhilarated by the thought of it all - the magic and the learning and the new experiences. and so, despite his mother trying her hardest to keep him from going, he boarded to train to hogwarts that fateful day, that found him seated with three other boys. and just like that, similar to a harsh slap again the back that expelled all the air from his lungs, peter quickly realized just how unprepared he was for this. with sweating palms and short breaths, he’d sat there for a while, suddenly forgetting how to speak or introduce himself. this was a mistake, he told himself. perhaps he could get off and turn around and phone his mother. his thoughts drifted to an escape route, which didn’t last for long, though - as two of the boys were quickly hittingit off and demanding that peter and the other boy with scars covering his face join in immediately. it wasn’t a choice, and with stumbling words, peter somehow found his voice. what a strange and refreshing feeling it was, to speak for himself and not have to rely on permission from his mother or listen to her speak for him. and though it took him a long time to do so, peter slowly found who he was outside of the shadow that had been created for him - instead finding his own way with the support of the three boys that he could easily call his brothers now.

bertha jorkins; the nosy neighbor. considering peter keeps to himself in every chance that he’s given, the fact that bertha has suddenly decided to pay attention to him is a perplexing one. he’s not used to random people attempting to converse with him - especially girls, of all people. but over the past few months, he’s found himself on the receiving end of her questions and her attention. it’s confusing, because it doesn’t seem as if she’s trying to befriend him. she finds him in the courtyard or in the library and invites herself into his space without permission, armed with an extensive list of questions about what he’s doing and where his friends are and what he’s been up to recently. if there’s one word that could easily describe bertha, it’s that she’s persistent. once she gets an idea in her head, or once she hears the slightest bit of gossip about a person, she refuses to let it go until she has the absolute truth - or until something newer and bigger has come along. bertha knows quite a bit about what’s going on around the school, the well kept secrets and the dirty laundry. she knows of what the teachers will whisper about one another in the corridors after class, and she’ll be the first to hear about relationship news. but there’s one secret within the confines of hogwarts that’s managed to escape her for this long. for the past years, the issue of remus lupin’s lycanthropy has stayed within the realm of a number of people that could be counted on less than two hands. with stories woven out of stretched truths and fallacies, as well as other people bending over backwards in an attempt to protect remus from the inconceivable idea of the rest of the school finding out what he truly was. however, bertha jorkins has begun to catch on and piece the clues together, and although she could easily try to latch on to james or sirius or even remus himself in an attempt to get to the bottom of what it all means, she’s instead found the means to the end in peter. and although peter knows that keeping remus’ secret is essentially why he went through the trouble of becoming an animagi and going through everything that he did with the marauders, bertha is extremely intimidating.

gideon prewett; the lifeline. meeting the marauders was a bit of a fluke, something that he still needs to pinch himself from time to time to believe that it did. but gideon prewett is a different story. where the marauders all just sort of ended up together in multiple ways - there was no question that the four of them could go through all that and not end up coming out brothers. it was easy and comfortable, and thankfully peter didn’t have to worry about interacting as much as people typically did when making friends. he’d never done so as a child for this reason, because words that he’d come up with in his head just never seemed to come out the same way upon being spoken. and people didn’t seem to have the patience to stick around and understand why this happened or how things worked like this. that is, before gideon prewett came along. in their first year, they were seated next to one another in more than half of their classes. rather than try to talk to gideon, peter went for the quiet route, not wanting to embarass himself. he was convinced gideon would be thankful for this, for not having to be saddled with the uncomfortable conversations that were bound to happen. but when gideon kept trying to talk to him, it left peter beyond unnerved, because he had no idea why. months passed, with peter still saying nothing and wondering when gideon would get tired of it and give up. gideon might’ve been a good person, sure - but it could’ve only lasted so long before he became frustrated. but it never came. gideon kept at it, talking to peter in every class, taking notes for him when he wasn’t there, requesting peter as his partner, suggesting they work on homework together. eventually, peter gave in and started to finally converse with him. things continued on, peter waiting for something to screw it all up - but finding himself becoming more and more comfortable around gideon. it was a new feeling, to have something happen and want to share it with one person and that one person alone - but that’s exactly how it was. as their final year is approaching, peter considers gideon one of his closest friends - perhaps on a different level as the marauders, but there’s one curiosity that still remains - whether they’re truly friends, or if this is something that peter has looked too far into.

amelia bones; the shunned. as a young boy, peter would often sit and listen to his mother go on about how the man that was his father was a horrible person, about how all men were terrible and couldn’t be trusted - except her baby boy, of course. and so her irrational fears of heartbreak and mistrust were thrust upon a boy that didn’t deserve it and didn’t know any better, but what else could peter have done? peter never met his father, never even knew his name or what he looked like or what he did. his mother refused to speak of unless it was in a litany of curses and horrible names. for this reason, as peter grew older, he knew that falling in love and giving your heart to someone else wasn’t worth the pain that might’ve come along with it. seeing what it did to his mother was something that he was sure he didn’t want to experience for himself. this only became more and more clear to him as he saw what it did to other people - especially gideon. hearing his broken voice explain to peter what had happened between him and amelia left peter speechless. he was person who felt emotions vibrantly, felt the waves and the swells of feelings as they came and went, and the rolling sadness that seemed to be vibrating off of gideon was almost unbearable. he didn’t understand, because now that he’d gotten to know gideon - six years behind them as friends - he didn’t know how in the world someone could be a part of gideon’s life and then simply toss him aside as amelia had. especially after claiming to have loved him. perhaps he was biased because he looked favorably upon gideon already, as if he could do no wrong - or perhaps it was the sinking distrust of affection and romance that was settling back in. but his opinion of amelia bones became jaded in that moment. he’d only exchanged words with her a few times here and there - but that was more than enough. he’d heard plenty about her to understand that she wasn’t someone he was fond of. and although he’s not as brazen as james or sirius, who would’ve confronted her or asked her what her problem was, peter came dream of the moment when he’s ready to do something like that while shooting angry glares at the back of her head.

PETER PETTIGREW IS PORTRAYED BY JAMES REID, AND HE IS TAKEN BY KOKO.

[inloveandwords]

This post was inspired by Ally’s series (which was inspired by Lia at Lost in a Story).

It works like this

Go to your goodreads to-read shelf.

Order on ascending date added.

Take the first 5 (or 10 (or even more!) if you’re feeling adventurous) books

Read the synopsis of the books

Decide: keep it or should it go?

    The Complete Poetry and Prose by William Blake, David V. Erdman (editor)

Since its first publication in 1965, this edition has been widely hailed as the best available text of Blake’s poetry and prose. Now revised, it includes up-to-date work on variants, chronology of the poems, and critical commentary by Harold Bloom. An “Approved Edition” of the Center for Scholarly Editions of the Modern Language Association.

Date added to TBR: September 2, 2010 Keep or Ditch? Ditch Comments: I went through a William Blake obsession in high school after I read Red Dragon and while, if I saw this book on sale I’d probably buy it, I wouldn’t go out of my way to read it therefore it doesn’t belong on my TBR.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, Craig Raine

Humbert Humbert – scholar, aesthete and romantic – has fallen completely and utterly in love with Lolita Haze, his landlady’s gum-snapping, silky skinned twelve-year-old daughter. Reluctantly agreeing to marry Mrs Haze just to be close to Lolita, Humbert suffers greatly in the pursuit of romance; but when Lo herself starts looking for attention elsewhere, he will carry her off on a desperate cross-country misadventure, all in the name of Love. Hilarious, flamboyant, heart-breaking and full of ingenious word play, Lolita is an immaculate, unforgettable masterpiece of obsession, delusion and lust.

Date added to TBR: September 2, 2010 Keep or Ditch? Ditch Comments: Honestly? I just don’t think I could stomach actually reading this.

Books That Changed the World by Robert B. Downs

From the Bible, the Iliad, and the Republic to Civil Disobedience, Das Kapital, and Silent Spring, this revised and greatly expanded edition is a monument to the power of the printed word-an informative discussion of many of the most important works ever created.

Date added to TBR: September 2, 2010 Keep or Ditch? Ditch Comments: While this sounds interesting… I don’t think I’d want to read an entire book. Especially one that is likely dated. I think I’d rather skim a blog post with this list LOL!

Still Life with Woodpecker by Tom Robbins

Still Life with Woodpecker is a sort of a love story that takes place inside a pack of Camel cigarettes. It reveals the purpose of the moon, explains the difference between criminals and outlaws, examines the conflict between social activism and romantic individualism, and paints a portrait of contemporary society that includes powerful Arabs, exiled royalty, and pregnant cheerleaders. It also deals with the problem of redheads.

Date added to TBR: September 2, 2010 Keep or Ditch? Ditch Comments: I have no idea why I added this to my TBR in the first place…

Immanuel’s Veins (Books of History Chronicles) by Ted Dekker

This story is for everyone–but not everyone is for this story.

It is a dangerous tale of times past. A love story full of deep seduction. A story of terrible longing and bold sacrifice.

Then as now, evil begins its courtship cloaked in light. And the heart embraces what it should flee. Forgetting it once had a truer lover.

With a kiss, evil will ravage body, soul, and mind. Yet there remains hope, because the heart knows no bounds.

Love will prove greater than lust. Sacrifice will overcome seduction. And blood will flow.

Because the battle for the heart is always violently opposed. For those desperate to drink deep from this fountain of life, enter.

But remember, not everyone is for this story.

Date added to TBR: September 15, 2010 Keep or Ditch? Ditch Comments: Dear Bree from 2010… WTF?

  The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

It is 1939. Nazi Germany. The country is holding its breath. Death has never been busier, and will be busier still.

By her brother’s graveside, Liesel’s life is changed when she picks up a single object, partially hidden in the snow. It is The Gravedigger’s Handbook, left behind there by accident, and it is her first act of book thievery. So begins a love affair with books and words, as Liesel, with the help of her accordian-playing foster father, learns to read. Soon she is stealing books from Nazi book-burnings, the mayor’s wife’s library, wherever there are books to be found.

But these are dangerous times. When Liesel’s foster family hides a Jew in their basement, Liesel’s world is both opened up, and closed down.

In superbly crafted writing that burns with intensity, award-winning author Markus Zusak has given us one of the most enduring stories of our time.

Date added to TBR: June 27, 2011 Keep or Ditch? Ditch Comments: I actually DNF’ed this book many years ago, but not because I didn’t appreciate it. I actually loved how it was written and remember tagging almost every other page, but I kept choosing other books instead of finishing it until eventually I put it down for good.

Insight Meditation: A Step-by-step Course on How to Meditate by Sharon Salzberg

Insight Meditation box set includes: • 240-page Insight Meditation workbook (wire-o binding)—This workbook is designed as a complete self-guided curriculum. Organized into nine lessons, the workbook features more than 75 step-by-step mindfulness exercises, question-and-answer sections, glossaries, and photographs illustrating correct meditation postures.

• 2 CDs (70 minutes each)—Six meditations teach the cornerstone practices in the Insight tradition.

• Insight study cards (12 cards)—Daily reminders of the fundamentals of meditation in a convenient, portable form.

Workbook Contents Lesson One: The Power of Mindfulness Lesson Two: Bare Attention Lesson Three: Desire and Aversion Lesson Four: Sleepiness, Restlessness, and Doubt Lesson Five: Concepts and Reality Lesson Six: Suffering Lesson Seven: Karma Lesson Eight: Equanimity Lesson Nine: Lovingkindness Last Words Appendix A: Meditation Supplies Appendix B: The Five Hindrances Appendix C: The Three Great Myths Appendix D: The Three Kinds of Suffering Appendix E: The Four Brahma-Viharas Appendix F: The Six Realms of Existence Appendix G: The Eight Vicissitudes

CD Contents Each CD features three guided meditations that will help you explore the direct experience of meditation. The meditations are set up to simulate as closely as possible the ambience of an actual practice session at a retreat center like the Insight Meditation Society. Meditations include: 1. Breath Meditation 2. Walking Meditation 3. Meditation on Body Sensations 4. Meditation on Hindrances 5. Meditation on Emotions 6. Metta Meditation

Excerpt Welcome to Insight Meditation. The compact discs and workbook will take you step by step through a comprehensive training course in basic meditation. The cards included in the box list various helpful teachings that are explored throughout this workbook. This course is rooted in the Buddhist style of vipassana, or insight meditation, but these fundamental techniques for sharpening your awareness and releasing painful mental habits are useful no matter what your religious or spiritual orientation. It’s not necessary to affiliate with any belief system in order to benefit from Insight Meditation. These mindfulness practices can support your existing spiritual path, whether it’s a structured practice like Christianity or Judaism, or simply a personal sense of your relationship with the great questions of human existence. What to Expect: Insight Meditation comprises two compact discs, a workbook, and a set of informational cards. The workbook contains: –Information on meditation resources –Suggestions for setting up a meditation space and a daily practice –Buddhist teachings about meditation and life –Q & A sessions that clarify practical new issues new meditators tend to encounter –Exercises to help you deepen your understanding and experience of meditation (and space to respond to them) –Tips for taking your meditataive awareness into the world and for troubleshooting problem areas in your practice — Glossaries of Pali, Sanskrit, and other terms — A list of books and tapes you can use to further your study of meditation.

Date added to TBR: June 27, 2011 Keep or Ditch? Ditch Comments: My friend and I started a meditation group back in 2011 and this was what we kind of based our meetings on… we followed the meditations in this book, so I got through some of this book, but when our group fizzled out, I never really went back to it and I don’t see myself doing so. That is not to say this isn’t a wonderful book for beginners, because it truly is. I highly recommend this box set to anyone who is interested in meditation, but it just doesn’t belong on my TBR.

Helen of Troy by Margaret George

A lush, seductive novel of the legendary beauty whose face launched a thousand ships

Daughter of a god, wife of a king, prize of antiquity’s bloodiest war, Helen of Troy has inspired artists for millennia. Now, Margaret George, the highly acclaimed bestselling historical novelist, has turned her intelligent, perceptive eye to the myth that is Helen of Troy.

Margaret George breathes new life into the great Homeric tale by having Helen narrate her own story. Through her eyes and in her voice, we experience the young Helen’s discovery of her divine origin and her terrifying beauty. While hardly more than a girl, Helen married the remote Spartan king Menelaus and bore him a daughter. By the age of twenty, the world’s most beautiful woman was resigned to a passionless marriage until she encountered the handsome Trojan prince Paris. And once the lovers flee to Troy, war, murder, and tragedy become inevitable. In Helen of Troy, Margaret George has captured a timeless legend in a mesmerizing tale of a woman whose life was destined to create strife and destroy civilizations.

Date added to TBR: June 27, 2011 Keep or Ditch? Keep Comments: This beauty of a book is currently sitting on my bookshelf and has been since 2011 and there it shall remain. I do really want to read this book because I effing hate Helen of Troy and Paris with a fiery passion. I think they’re both despicably selfish and stupid and I’d love to read this book and see their side of the story.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is the best chronicle of drug-soaked, addle-brained, rollicking good times ever committed to the printed page. It is also the tale of a long weekend road trip that has gone down in the annals of American pop culture as one of the strangest journeys ever undertaken.

Date added to TBR: June 27, 2011 Keep or Ditch? Ditch Comments: TBH I read most of this book and saw most of the movie, but I don’t see myself picking it up again.

Vampires: The Greatest Stories by Martin H. Greenberg

Contents • 1 • Introduction (Vampires: The Greatest Stories) • essay by Martin H. Greenberg • 3 • The Bat Is My Brother • (1944) • shortstory by Robert Bloch • 23 • In Darkness, Angels • (1983) • novelette by Eric Van Lustbader • 53 • Dayblood • (1985) • shortstory by Roger Zelazny • 59 • The Man Who Loved the Vampire Lady • (1988) • novelette by Brian Stableford • 81 • The Cookie Lady • (1953) • shortstory by Philip K. Dick • 91 • The Miracle Mile • (1991) • novelette by Robert R. McCammon • 111 • Something Had to Be Done • (1975) • shortstory by David Drake • 117 • Valentine from a Vampire • (1988) • novelette by Ed Gorman [as by Daniel Ransom ] • 151 • Mama Gone • (1991) • shortstory by Jane Yolen • 157 • Beyond Any Measure • (1982) • novella by Karl Edward Wagner • 207 • Red as Blood • (1979) • shortstory by Tanith Lee • 219 • No Such Thing as a Vampire • (1959) • shortstory by Richard Matheson • 229 • The Vampire of Mallworld • [Mallworld] • (1981) • novelette by S. P. Somtow [as by Somtow Sucharitkul ] • 253 • Child of an Ancient City • (1988) • novelette by Tad Williams

Date added to TBR: June 27, 2011 Keep or Ditch? Ditch Comments: #vampirephase #thanksTwilight

      Here are the stats

You guys… I’ve added so many books to my TBR the past few months because I’ve been watching more BookTube channels and I made a few Book Outlet and library bookstore purchases, so my count has grown exponentially!

Starting Total TBR Count: 1760 Previous Total TBR Count: 1762 Total Marked TBR ASAP: 138 Updated Total TBR Count: 1849 Total Ditched Today: 9 Total Kept Today: 1

Bye-Bye Books: Decluttering my TBR January 2019 This post was inspired by Ally’s series (which was inspired by Lia at Lost in a Story…

[sueboohscorner]

#Lucifer--Season 2, Episode 14:"Candy Morningstar"

Denial is in the air this week on "Lucifer."

This week's episode opens with Lilith sitting on some guy's lap and making out in Lucifer' club, engaging in sexual role play. In the middle of said role play, Lilith begins ranting about being neglected by her son and her sex partner immediately runs for the hills, leaving Maze to enter and gloat about how Lucifer is probably plotting revenge against Lilith as they speak, though, in truth, even Maze doesn't know where Lucifer is.

Cut to Lucifer sitting in a dark office with some gangster types, asking him for payment for something. The head gangster says "it's your funeral" and opens a briefcase. Chloe and Dan walk down the street, talking about missing Lucifer. Ella says that she misses him too. Lucifer's absence can be felt.

Ella describes the murder o' the week as she, Dan and Chloe look down at Ash, the murder victim. Chloe notices as Ella is talking that Amenadiel has appeared and then vanished across the street from her. Amenadiel appears to be watching her. Ella notes the oddly shaped dents in Ash's head and Chloe happens to notice that the victim played guitar due to the callouses on his fingers. Unfortunately, in a cruel of know-nothing-ness, show-runners allowed the scene where Ella picks up THE WRONG HAND to look at the victim's fretting hand callouses. Unless they're looking at the body of a deceased Sir Paul McCartney, then they be looking at the wrong darned hand. Fretting hand callouses would be on the left hand for almost any guitarist--even a left-handed guitarist, as most musicians simply learn to play right-handed guitar.

After this grievous travesty, the show continues as Chloe notices a copy of Ash's band's book, musing aloud that Ash was the band's, front man.  Det. Chloe Decker and Det. Dan interview Ash's band. Ash's female band mate somewhat gleefully suggests that the two detectives talk to Ash's ex-wife. While they're on their way to do that, Lucifer shows up at the station to tell Chloe and Dan his "news" about getting married to a Vegas stripper-type called Candy, who goes by CottonCandy86 online. Oof. Candy immediately shows Dan and Chloe her ginormous wedding ring, leaving Lucifer to apparently happily explain that the two are married (!!). Lucifer tries to explain to Chloe and Chloe isn't interested. Lucifer seems to be pretending that he and Chloe never had a relationship.

Det. Dan comes to tell Chloe that he has Ash's ex-wife in the interrogation room, where Chloe reads reports from Ash's band members to Ash's ex-wife that make her look like a good suspect. Chloe tries to bate Ash' wife into a frustrated confession, but she doesn't bite. Ash's ex-wife suggests that their shady divorce mediator may have run off with the money she had to pay Ash in the divorce.

 Amenadiel and Lilith are searching for online records of Lucifer's marriage to Candy, and they find them. CottonCandy86 has posted a boatload of cheesy photos of their marriage and honeymoon. While waiting in the station with Lucifer, Candy notices a man that appears in several of the crime scene photos. Surprisingly, it's Ash' divorce mediator. Chloe tells Lucifer off in no uncertain terms and confides in him that he let her down and that she doesn't need him anymore.

Lucifer shows up in his session with Dr. Linda with Candy in tow. Dr. Linda covertly mentions hell, and Lucifer tells her that he's not hiding anything from Candy. Dr. Linda suspects that Lucifer's rash decision making and denial are symptoms of trauma from his "travels" to hell. Lucifer denies it. Dr. Linda asks about Det. Decker and Lucifer state that his feelings toward Chloe were fake and manipulated by God. Dr. Linda challenges Lucifer about his feeling for Chloe and says that to be healthy; he should take some dubious advice Candy blunderingly offered during their session and "act as if."

Lucifer follows Det. Dan to the divorce mediator's office. Det. Decker and Det. Dan moves to investigate the divorce mediator Ash and his ex-wife used. Lucifer makes an appointment for himself and Candy to covertly interrogated divorce mediator.

Lucifer introduces Candy to his Mother, and the two go out shopping together. After examining Candy, top to bottom, Maze asks Chloe what she thinks of Candy. While Chloe suppresses her feelings on that matter, Maze calls her out and dishes out some good advice for Chloe. Chloe uses Lucifer's in with the divorce mediator to pose as Candy herself and interrogate the divorce mediator. The two appear to benefit from the divorce mediation. Lucifer opens up about his concern for Chloe's well-being during the session and Chloe isn't sure that she believes him. The divorce mediator approaches "Candy" aka Chloe while on a break during their session, where Chlor propositions the divorce mediator to weight things in her favorite. He doesn't bite. It appears that Ash's divorce mediator helped Ash in the divorce simply because he liked Ash's band, of which the divorce mediator planned to be the future manager. Ash's divorce mediator was at the crime scene, looking for Ash, having known that Ask and his bassist Marla were fighting.

Candy remarks to Lilith while out shopping that clearly, her large ring is indicative of Lucifer's large amount of love for Candy. Surprisingly, however, Candy turns out to be rather intuitive, intuiting that Lilith simply wants the best for her son and telling her that she will be there for Lilith to help make Lucifer happy. While talking to Amenadiel later on, Lilith suggests that Lucifer might be broken because of her pushing and manipulation. Lilith decides that she's a terrible Mother (a state of affairs which is not wholly untrue). Ella and Dan appear to be rooting for Chloe and Lucier to patch things up. Chloe is frustrated but appreciates her team's support. While talking, the team comes to a conclusion, with Ella taking the lead, that Ash was murdered by Marlowe's bass. During one of the band's shows, Lucifer comes up on stage for an exceptional performance where, after having looked through Chloe's phone and noticed her penchant for '90's pop ballads, starts singing and playing the Bangles' "Eternal Flame." Cleverly, however, Lucifer announces that his song is going out to a very special girl--Marla, who now cannot escape the club without being noticed (devious!). Lucifer tells the audience that this song goes out to a special someone--a woman who thinks she doesn't need him anymore. Chloe smiles and begins to soften a bit toward Lucifer. The killer is caught! Lucifer reminds Chloe while still on the stage of what a good team they make.

So cute!

Lucifer continues on a strong campaign of acting cute in the hopes that all will be forgiven. Ella is glad to see Lucifer and Chloe Decker reconcile a bit. Amenadiel, however, calls Lucifer out for his bad behavior toward Chloe--as any good brother would. Lucifer caves to Amenadiel and admits that he's trying to protect Chloe. Amenadiel empathizes with his brother, Lucifer, and then tells Lucifer to apologize to their Mother who, after all, went to hell and faced her worst fears to find and help Lucifer on his quest to save Chloe. Pretty great mothering, huh...

When the team questions Marla, she says she ran because she thought she was going to be busted for the fake I.D.'s she's been making and one of her stalker fake I.D. customers. Marla maintains her innocence, swearing she didn't do this.

The team finds that her bandmate, Doug, had Marla's bad guitar last and is a much more likely suspect. While banging on the door of Doug, the murderer, Lucifer's phone rings: it's Candy. Whoops. Guess that silent option on your iPhone doesn't work too well for desperate wives who call through and activate the emergency connect function. Sadly, Doug, the murderer hears Lucifer's brief phone call with Candy and attacks Lucifer from behind, strangling him. Chloe attempts to talk Doug down as Doug confesses to Ash's murder, which was committed in the heat of the moment. Doug threatens to kill Lucifer if Chloe doesn't lower her weapon, demanding that if Chloe cares about her partner [Lucifer], she should drop her weapon. Even while being strangled, Lucifer quips, "you may as well just yank the sucker then, Dougie, I'm useless to her," saying "go on, do your worst." Tom Ellis is never better than when he's playing a petty-on-the-surface, deep underneath Lucifer. His quips are priceless. I haven't heard such great quipping and punning since my days of watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer, which admittedly aren't yet over (love that show!). Det. Decker clips Doug in the shoulder with a round and Lucifer and Det. Decker apprehends their suspect, meeting a distraught Candy back at the police station. Candy approaches Chloe to ask after Lucifer and to see if he's okay after being attacked (an attack Candy was unwittingly complicit in causing). While talking to Chloe, Candy just so happens to mention that Lucifer talks about Chloe all the time and that it's "detective, this and detective, that." She tells Chloe that work with her is extremely important to Lucifer and briefly recaps [for the audience] Chloe and Lucifer's ordeal, trying to cure Chloe of the poison she was given two episodes ago. Apparently, Lucifer shares more with Candy than previously thought. Chloe tells Lucifer that she'll see him tomorrow at the precinct and not to be late, thus giving Lucifer another chance at working with Chloe and the rest of the team. While Lucifer is clearly relieved to have an invitation extended to him to work with Chloe and the team again officially, he is clearly unhappy about the new set of professional boundaries Chloe seems to have installed. It is evident that Lucifer still cares deeply for Chloe on a personal level and wants to be with her in a romantic relationship. The depth and breadth of human emotion are still something Lucifer must become used to, though Lilith and Maze are excellent foils for him in that regard as they are both clearly way less emotionally mature than Lucifer is on many levels.

Speaking of Lilith, Lucifer speaks with his Mother, telling her that although she messed up, he knows she was probably coming from a place of love, even if the way she has gone about it has been, shall we say, suspect... Lilith comes clean with Lucifer too, saying that all she's wanted since she escaped hell, was to reunite Lilith, fer and Amenadiel' heavenly family. Lilith suggests that Lucifer gets ahold of the heavenly flaming sword, which is Azrael's blade, which, conveniently, Lucifer happens to have in his possession! Cut to the final twist of tonight's episode, during which Lucifer meets with "Candy," telling her she's done excellent work and thanks her for helping him to get inside of "that scheming head of his Mother's." It seems "Candy" was fake all along. "Candy" as simply someone whose life Lucifer saved out in Vegas, who owed him a favor. Wow. Surprise ending! Lucifer kindly lets' "Candy" keep her wedding ring, citing the fact that divorces are expensive. It turns out that Candy does have plans to open a business--maybe just not the tanning salon/juice bar she waxed poetic to Lilith about earlier in tonight's episode. "Candy's" parting advice to Lucifer was to try not to mess things up with Det. Chloe Decker. As "Candy's" limo drives away, ostensibly back home to Vegas, Lucifer whispers into the night that he won't.

So what's to come on next week's episode, "Deceptive Little Parasites?" Well, let's see...