#if neil's words are anything to go by LMAO | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

buckysgrace · 1 year ago

Text

Nineteen

Content Warning!!!! This chapter mentions/describes Abuse, child abuse, unsafe abortions, suicide, rape and alcohol abuse.

This was long and for what lmao

Rosemary

1966

She was fifteen when she met Neil.

He was almost two years older than her, with a tight smile and reserved personality. She'd heard girls talk about him before but as far as she knew, he never did anything other than talk to them. She'd never heard about him ever actually taking anyone on a date It gave her hope.

They met often after his football practices, near the bleachers once he'd gathered all of his things up. She was a cheerleader, and he was a quarterback for the team. In her mind she thought it was a good match, a perfect stereotype. She had been enamored the first time she had seen him, her mind already planning what their future would be like together.

His brown hair was always styled back neatly, not one strand out of place even after he’d played for hours with a helmet on. He was always clean shaven and spoke slow and smooth, like he wanted her to absorb every word he said. She always found herself lost in his eyes, sucked in a pool of fascination. They were a bright blue, sparkling like the most precious gemstones.

She didn’t have an issue talking with boys, but he did intimidate her quite a bit. She still felt like she didn’t belong in this town, like she stuck out like a sore thumb. No one seemed to really understand her, and she certainly didn’t understand how people valued looks and reputation so heavily. Neil didn't seem any different. He definitely valued his reputation and only spoke to people that he deemed worthy.

She had been new the year prior. She’d never been to California before, other than to visit her great aunt Margaret. She liked visiting Margaret for a while, until Margaret began to refer to Rosemary as Roberta, her only child that had died when she was six. Rosemary felt too bad to correct her half the time. However, leaving her house soon became harder and harder. The last time she had left claw marks in Rosemary's arm and demanded to know what kind of child would leave their mother behind. Rosemary had been too afraid to return after that, not wanting Margaret to suffer any longer.

She liked where they’d lived in Louisiana. The town was small, but their farm was vast. She enjoyed the company of animals better than people. She never complained when she woke up hours earlier to assist her parents with feeding the animals, or when she missed out on activities with her friends because there was work to be done on the farm. She liked collecting chicken eggs and helping nurse the calves.

She particularly loved the horses that they raised, the ones her father would take far out of state and show off in various competitions. When she was nine, she got her own foal who she named Sugar Lips. He was her pride and joy and she told him all of her secrets. She took care of him better than she’d seen some parents take care of their children. She thought he was trained enough to stay inside of their house, but her parents thought differently.

She loved their big yellow house and the large wrap around porch that sat over a large hill. Her mother had an array of pear trees that lingered around their house and seemed to always be in season. They had a vast pond that they used to go fishing and sometimes Rosemary would dip her toes in the water while she rested underneath their large willow tree. She hated to move, hated that she had to go so far away from the things that she loved.

Her sister AnneMarie had gotten into trouble about something, Rosemary wasn’t completely sure what it was other than it involved the preacher's son. The only thing Rosemary really knew was that her parents paid a hefty dime to have something fixed and their farm was sold the following day. Rosemary had cried and thrown a tantrum, not wanting to leave behind their life and her precious Sugar Lips. it didn’t matter how badly she cried and yelled, they moved anyway. She’d been spanked more times that summer than she could remember. They moved in with aunt Margaret until they settled and by the time Margaret had passed she couldn’t even remember her own name.

San Diego seemed to be three times as big as her hometown. Her whole freshmen class had consisted of eight people and now there were hundreds. She didn’t seem to know how to fit in either. There were cliques and you had to dress and act a certain way in order to fit in. Rosemary didn't like the fashion that was popular here, nor did she think it was fair to be required to wear shoes in school. At her former school, most of the kids couldn't afford shoes anyways. Rosemary thought that all of it was dumb. So very dumb.

“You talk funny.” Neil said one day to her after practice, his forehead glimmering from where he'd been sweating. She glanced up at him, sure that this was the first sentence that he had ever spoken to her alone without any of his friends nearby. She felt a fiery force forming in her stomach, thinking that his statement was rather rude.

“I don’t say nothin funny,” Rosemary corrected him hotly, “Ya’ll are the ones with the weird accents.” She snapped back, just as quickly. She’d been popped on the side of the mouth more than once by her parents because of the way she was always smarting off to them. She didn’t care who they were or who Neil thought he was. She was going to stick up for herself.

“My bad,” Neil grinned, his blue eyes raking over her features, “I meant you sound different, pretty.” He said at last. She found her eyes narrowing as she examined him. She pressed her pom poms together.

“There’s a big difference between funny and pretty.” She said pointedly, still assuming that he was trying to make himself look better. Occasionally she’d hear other kids mocking her accent, which she thought was very dumb. Sometimes they’d act like she was dumber, just because of where she moved from.

Neil nodded his head, looking like he understood exactly what she meant. She looked at him for a moment, taking in how his eyebrows were a lighter color than the rest of his hair. He had a slight dip in his nose, like he’d broken it more than once. She noticed a fading bruise against the side of his cheekbone.

“What are you doing for prom?” He said at last, looking truly interested as he leaned against the wall. She crossed her arms over her chest, a little perplexed at what he was trying to get to.

“Well, I don’t know,” She said honestly, “That’s months away. I haven’t even thought about it.” She glanced around as people passed by them. Technically, this wasn’t even her year to go to prom. Prom was for Seniors and Juniors and she was still a Sophomore.

“Go with me.” He said simply, his lips curling up into a soft smile. She looked at him curiously, her eyebrows piercing together as she examined him. She chewed on her bottom lip, trying to hide how curious she was. He was interesting, that was for sure.

“Are you asking or demanding?” She felt her own lips curling into a smile at the way he laughed. It was nice, deep and guttural. She noticed that his amusement didn’t meet his eyes. In fact, his eyes looked like they were hiding something else. She continued to chew on her lip, wondering what secrets he had hidden away.

“Whichever you prefer.” He said slyly, watching her with a great amount of interest. Rosemary pondered it over for a second, reminding herself that no other boy had asked her to a dance. Surely, it wouldn’t be that bad to go to a dance with him. He was handsome, seemed to be sweet enough. She didn’t see him blowing through girls like some of the other boys in school did. What was the true harm?

“Alright,” She said at last. She felt a full smile forming on her lips this time, “I like sunflowers and the color blue.” She said gently, feeling a spark of excitement growing in her chest at the way he smiled at her.

//////////////////////

“You’re going to prom with who?” Her mom questioned her again, peeking up behind Rosemary in the mirror. Rosemary thought that she was short, but her mama stood a head shorter than her. She worked on framing her blonde hair over her forehead, hoping to cover her eyebrows. She hated how much darker they were than the rest of her hair. She had managed to get the ends to curl up in the way she wanted after nearly going through a whole can of hairspray.

“His name is Neil,” Rosemary repeated for like the hundredth time, feeling like this conversation had run dry, “He’s really nice.” She told her mama quickly. She took one last look at her hair, making sure that not one inch was out of place.

“But not nice enough to ask your father for permission?” Her mom said a little stern, the lines on her face pulling together in disbelief. Rosemary sighed deeply as she shook her head, knowing she’d be arguing with a wall over this subject again. Neil had been really sweet. They hadn’t done anything serious, but he had occasionally brought her dandelions. His biggest present had been a small, framed butterfly. She was almost horrified to find out that it was a real one. It was orange, with alternating colors of yellow and black patterns on its wings. It was pretty, but she thought it would’ve been prettier in the wild.

“Mama that’s so outdated,” Rosemary speaks up as she works on ensuring that her lipstick is bright and glossy, “You’ll meet him when he comes to pick me up.” She tries to dismiss her mama’s worries and hopes that she doesn’t do anything to embarrass her.

“You won’t do nothing stupid will you?” Her mom questions, “You know you’re a pretty rose, but once that petal is picked…” She trails off, leaving the statement to ring around in Rosemary’s ears. She sighed deeply and was rolling her eyes before she could help it. Her mama’s hand connected with her shoulder, rolling her eyes back into place.

“I know, mama,” Rosemary grins towards her as she rubs her now sore arm, “I won’t do nothin bad.” She promises, although she supposes it depends on what Neil wants to do. She doubts that he’ll even try anything. He seems to pour over his bible more than anyone she’d ever seen. Sometimes she'd just stare at him while he read, wondering if he was actually getting any information out of it. She used to get in trouble for falling asleep in church and couldn't imagine that someone would read it for fun. She kept her trap shut, however, not wanting to end up offending him.

As she suspected, Neil gets along very well with both of her parents. He’s prim and proper, exactly what her family wants from her. He only speaks when spoken to and holds eye contact far better than anyone she’s ever met. She almost feels like he’s too mature for her and begins to wonder if this would be like taking her daddy to prom. She keeps the grumble inside of herself, hoping that Neil can liven up a bit.

It had actually taken a lot from her to actually get him to dance with her. He seemed nervous, but she thought it was cute. He listened while she spoke and it seemed to work out well enough. About halfway through the night he seemed to gain his confidence and thus took control.

They had set out a blanket in the back of his truck bed and they’d both lost their virginities at the same time. She kept her mouth covered with her hand the whole time, because it really hurt that much. Even though Neil tried to stay slow and soft, she still felt like she was being ripped apart the whole time. She couldn't understand what girls were talking about when they said it felt good. All she felt was hurt and even went home bleeding and with a limp.

She didn’t hear from him for a while after prom. She felt used, like she really had meant nothing to him. It worried her, thinking that he had ruined her from being with anyone else. She hid it to herself, knowing her parents would have her out of the state as soon as they heard about what had happened.

Summer rolled around and Rosemary spent more time at the beach, just soaking in the sun and listening to the way the water crashed against the beach. She found solitude in being alone, not really feeling as if she truly belonged with any of her friends. She thought a lot about her former life as she rested here, wondering if anyone was taking care of Sugar Lips the way that she had.

“Hey,” Neil interrupted her thoughts one sunny afternoon. She felt surprised after not hearing from him for so long, “What are you doing?” He asked her kindly. She scoffed as she turned away from him, looking back towards the clear blue sky instead.

“What makes you interested in talking to me now?” She asks him sharply, feeling like he’d gotten what he wanted and then ran away. She says nothing else as Neil lingers behind her, clearly wanting to hear more from her.

“We sinned.” He says at last. She feels her eyebrows raise on her forehead as she turns to look at him. She expected him to be joking but was surprised when he appeared to be completely serious. It almost makes her laugh.

“Oh boy,” Rosemary inhales deeply but feels a little stunned. She didn’t expect to find a bible thumper this far West. She’d say through many sermons listening to their preacher rant and rave over how terrible the people of California are. They all lived in sin, they were all sinners, “Don’t you Catholics just confess your little problems away to a preacher?”

“Priest,” He corrects her, like it’s a big difference, “Are you not a Christian?” He looks a little worried by her question. She laughs, wondering if that would make this whole situation worse for him.

“I am,” She tells him quickly, “Just a Baptist.” She shrugs her shoulders. She didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Religion was religion. She couldn’t say that she had ever been too interested in it. She thought it was silly that you could be a part of a religion for your whole life, only for it to be the wrong God and therefore you would be sentenced to damnation. It wasn’t fair that they had to search out answers on their own.

“My bad,” Neil smiles as he joins her on the ground, “I just needed to figure some things out.” She looks at him, noticing the welt on his cheek. His hair isn’t as tightly styled this time and blows around with the warm winds from the ocean.

“Did you?” She asked him seriously, feeling very drawn to know more about him. Perhaps it was because he was the one she’d lost her virginity to, or simply because he was the only boy who had ever paid attention to her. She wanted to know more about him.

“I did,” He nods his head in confirmation, “Turns out I’m really crazy about you.” He said with a grin, showing off his pearly white teeth.

Their second time's a little better, a little rushed but it doesn’t hurt Rosemary nearly as bad. She lets him take her on the hard ground, trusting that he’ll treat her as soft and gentle as he can. She’s still sore afterwards and still can’t understand why everyone wants to have sex. She still doesn’t really feel anything other than a sticky feeling between her legs.

Neil doesn’t avoid her this time around. He comes over more often, speaks to her parents a little more and has loud promises of marrying her and treating her well. She smiles and goes along with it, but deep down she begins to wonder if this is what she really wanted. She would turn sixteen at the end of September and didn’t really know if she was ready to spend the rest of her life with someone at such a young age.

Rosemary had started her period later than most girls that she knew. It had been right before her fifteenth birthday and up until this time, had normally arrived at the same time each month. It was almost two weeks past when she should’ve got it and she was too fearful to admit what that might mean. She decided to wait, hoping that her period would come on her next cycle.

“AnneMarie,” Rosemary turned towards her, “Why did we move?” She was laying in bed with AnneMarie, hoping to pry her from her dungeon of a room. She hadn’t finished school and spent most of her days lying in bed and just staring at the yellow walls.

They’d been close before they moved, but whatever had happened had left AnneMarie a shell of a person that she once was. Sometimes it was like she went days without eating. She was thin and always seemed to be sick. Sometimes Rosemary would just lay in here with her in hopes that AnneMarie might sprout out into her normal self.

“I did something dumb,” She continued to pick and tear at the magazine she was holding. It was an odd habit, but Rosemary was glad it kept AnneMarie from yanking her hair from her scalp. She was beginning to look like she was balding, “You remember Damien?” AnnMarie turned towards her quickly, her eyes wide like she was holding a secret.

“The preacher's son?” Rosemary asked her softly. She knew who Damien was. Whatever had happened between the two of them had been bad enough for them to leave behind everything. Rosemary felt her shoulders sagging as she thought of the many farm animals they’d left behind. She missed Sugar Lips the most.

“I got pregnant,” She said softly, “Mama and Daddy got rid of it.” AnneMarie gulped hard as she tugged a little harder at the magazine paper. The sound echoed in the room as the realization settled onto Rosemary.

“Oh,” Rosemary breathed in deeply, “You mean they.. Oh.” She couldn’t finish her sentence. She knew what an abortion was, but she hadn’t ever known anyone that had gone through with it. She looked at AnneMarie for a moment, thinking that everything suddenly made sense. She’d heard that a lot of women died from them.

“Yeah.” AnneMarie says softly. She drops the magazine and begins to pull at the fingers at her skin again. Rosemary takes a hold of her hand gently, fighting with her for a few minutes before AnneMarie is humming again and ripping at her magazine pages.

“Do you regret it?” Rosemary almost hates to ask as she doesn’t want to upset AnneMarie anymore, but she needs to know. Rosemary is scared suddenly, thinking that she could end up in the same boat as AnneMarie; rotting away in her room.

“I think I would’ve been a good mom,” AnneMarie said at last, “And I didn’t get to make that decision on my own.” She twists the paper up into tiny shapes until Rosemary can no longer see it.

“I’m sorry.” Rosemary said honestly as she leans forward to rest her chin against AnneMarie’s shoulder. She keeps her nose still, even though AnneMarie is starting to sink again. Baths are always a struggle and Rosemary now wonders if it’s because those are usually forced too.

“Why do you ask?” AnneMarie asks, almost in an accusing tone as she stares Rosemary down. Rosemary shakes her head no, trying to play off her worries.

“Just curious,” Rosemary brushed off her question, “I never got a straight answer before.” She tries to defend her curiosity as she buries her fear deep inside of herself. She reminds herself that it’s just her missing her period, nothing else.

“In lack of better terms,” AnneMarie’s grin is full of mischief, “It was my fault.”

///////////////

“We have an issue.” Rosemary spits out as soon as she shuts the door behind her. She knows it won’t be long before Edith, Neil’s mom, walks upstairs and opens it again. Rosemary likes Edith well enough, but her husband was rude.

“Well, come on in,” Neil huffed underneath his breath, “What do you mean we?” He looks up from his textbooks, a new bruise has already formed on the other side of his cheek. She breathed in quickly, feeling so nervous that her heart may stop working.

“I’m pregnant.” She spits it out quickly, but makes sure to keep her voice lowered in case Edith happened to be eavesdropping. She had recently been sporting two black eyes. Rosemary was beginning to fear what kind of families her child would be raised in.

Rosemary didn’t know how to find out if she was really pregnant, but she knew that she was. She still had yet to have a period, her breasts had been sore and felt like they were growing and not to mention the vomiting she’d been experiencing in the mornings.

“What?” Neil’s eyes are wide, horrified as he stared up at her. He drops his pencil and it slowly rolls across his floorboards. Rosemary exhales sharply, feeling a little more irritated than she should.

“There is a baby growing inside of me,” She said slowly, “Your baby. You knocked me up.” She motions between the two of them, hoping that he’ll be able to connect the dots. She was sure that she was clear enough when she told him she was pregnant.

“I understood the first time.” Neil dismisses her, looking a little offended at her tone. She blames it on her jitters but she’s snapping back just as quickly.

“You were the one asking me,” She said back quickly, “What do we do?” She asks him seriously. She doesn’t admit how scared she felt at the moment. AnneMarie’s story terrified her. Trying to find out about any more abortion stories was nearly impossible. It seemed that everyone wanted to keep their experience hidden away, or they were dead. Rosemary was terrified she was going to die.

“You act like I have an answer?” Neil holds his hands together, looking up at her in confusion. She blinked a few times, unsure if she had heard him right. She wouldn’t be going through this pregnancy alone. She was sure that as soon as her parents found out they’d be trying to put her through the same thing they did to AnneMarie.

“Well,” She drew out shortly, “I’m sorry for trying to seek reassurance that you won’t leave me.” She responded as she straightened her shoulders a bit. She held her chin high, waiting for him to accuse her of cheating or being a whore. Neil just stared at her with a slack jaw.

“Shit,” He said after a brief pause, “My old man is going to kill me.” He says instead, bringing no reassurance as he pushes his fingers through his slicked back hair. Rosemary huffed underneath her breath.

“You better be leaving behind a good will then,” Rosemary fires back, “What am I supposed to do?” She asks him seriously, feeling like her world was slowly falling apart around her. Neil shook his head for a moment before he looked at her seriously.

“We’ll figure this out,” He promises her, “Together.”

////////////////

Neil’s father passed away a few weeks later, long before either of them were even ready to announce that they were having a baby. Rosemary was terrified, but thought that perhaps this situation would be a little easier. Neil’s dad scared her.

“He just blew his fucking brains out,” Neil said in disbelief after the funeral, his eyes looking sorrowful as he spoke, “I hope he’s rotting in hell.” All Rosemary could do was rub his back, because she really wasn’t sure what to say to make him feel better.

Despite their complicated relationship, his father had left him everything. Including the house. Once Edith caught wind that Rosemary was pregnant she started searching elsewhere, looking for a new place to live. Rosemary had tried to protest as she would’ve been more than happy to have Edith continue living there. Rosemary’s grandparents had lived with them for the longest time, up until they passed. It was nice to have the extra support with a baby. Edith had only said that she didn’t want to raise another baby.

Rosemary’s parents, as expected, had not been thrilled at all. By the time she announced to them that she was pregnant, she was too far along for them to drag her off and have it secretly removed. Instead, they shunned her. She’d returned home from school one afternoon with all of her things tossed outside the door and the locks changed. They had yet to contact her.

“Are you sure you want to live here?” She asked, feeling like he had become more gloomy the more that they moved their items into the house. He’d lived here his whole life and it was big and spacious. Rosemary thought it would be nice to have a baby here.

“Why wouldn’t we?” Neil grumbled in response. She hadn’t seen him get angry, this had been the closest to it. She wished he’d open up a little more, let her know what he was feeling. She thought that she could help him.

“You’ve just said before that there wasn’t many pleasant memories.” She told him softly. She thought that they could sell the house, find something better. It didn’t really matter to her. Houses were all the same, four walls and a roof.

“We’ll make good memories of our own,” Neil says quickly, “He’s dead anyways. He can’t bother me anymore.” He tried to brush away her worries, but his words only left her with more concern.

Edith left a bunch of things behind, such as the furniture and the appliances. Rosemary didn’t mind, although it did take a long time to rid the house of the stinky cigars that Neil’s father would smoke. She spent most of the nights on her own, up until midnight when Neil would return from work.

It felt weird to have a home and be so young. Rosemary pinned over all the rooms until she finally decided on the perfect one for the nursery. She painted the walls, set up the crib and looked for decorations all on her own. Neil tried to assist but the two of them had very different ideas on what they wanted for their baby. Rosemary thought she should get the deciding factor as she was the one carrying the baby.

“I think I know the gender of our baby.” She said happily one afternoon when they’d both gotten off from school. She rubbed her bump happily, liking the way the baby would kick and flutter around inside. Neil never liked to touch her stomach like that, he claimed that it was odd. Rosemary thought that he was silly and spoiled her baby bump on her own. Occasionally she'd get an elderly woman or a younger child that would ask to touch and she'd always gleefully let them.

“What is it?” He looks over curiously as he scrubbed his dish clean. He was getting ready to head into one of his second jobs, which Rosemary was sure consisted of scraping fish guts off of a boats floor. She’d offered to work but he kept telling her no.

“Oh lord,” Rosemary shook her head, “You can’t call our baby an it.” She told him quickly as she ran her hands up and down her baby bump again. Neil never wanted to talk about names either and had promised that she could have the sole decision. She wasn't sure how to feel about it, but she didn’t protest either.

“I don’t know the gender.” Neil furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he dried his hands off with a towel. Rosemary sighed, trying not to let his avoidant words disturb her own happiness.

“A boy,” Rosemary said at last, still shaking her head at him, “Look at how high I’m carrying.” She said, making a point to turn around and show her baby bump off again. She could remember her mama talking about those sorts of things when other women would get pregnant in their hometown.

“I think a girl would be easier to care for.” Neil doesn’t look very impressed as his eyes gaze towards her stomach. It’s an odd statement, as she’d always heard that men only wanted sons. She breathed in through her nostrils, still determined to not want Neil to ruin her mood.

“Well,” She smiled brightly as she rubbed her tummy, “I’m supposed to have two boys anyways.” She spills the news, feeling like it was fine to share with him. It was too late for him to run off anyways. She had an engagement ring and his child growing inside of her.

“How could you know that?” Neil scoffs, like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. She feels her shoulders sag a little bit before she adjusts herself again. She reminds herself to think positive.

“The ring test,” Rosemary sighed again as Neil turned towards her clueless, “You take your wedding ring and loop a piece of hair through it. There’s a certain pattern you follow across your hand and depending on how the ring spins that correlates with the gender. It stops on its own too.” She explained quickly. She didn't have a wedding ring yet, but she didn't think it had to be that precise.

“Right,” Neil snorted softly, “I think we’ll just have to wait until the baby is born.”

/////////////////

“I was hoping I could take my finals a little early,” She approached the principal, feeling shaky as she did so. She didn’t want to repeat her Junior year when she clearly already knew the material, “Or at least be able to do some things from home?” She pondered instead. She was sure that she could do her homework from the house because she was too afraid to leave the baby with someone else.

“We don’t offer homeschooling,” The principal looked up towards her, “It’s a backwards practice.” He tells her, continuing to look down at the papers in front of her. He doesn’t offer her another option, instead he flicks over to the next paper.

“So can I take my tests early?” She asks after a short pause. She raises her eyebrows in confusion, unsure of why the principal was making it so hard to discuss something simple.

“Why?” The principal finally glances up towards her, looking irritated that she had come in here in the first place. Rosemary felt her cheeks burning as the anger began to boil inside of her chest. She thought it was fairly obvious, but perhaps he couldn’t see very well. Or hear any of the rumors.

“Well,” Rosemary couldn’t help herself as she stood and made a point to motion towards her huge pregnancy bump, “I’m afraid I’ll have a baby at that time.” She said a little dryly, making it as obvious as she could. A look of offense crossed the principal's features.

“I suppose that’s a you problem,” The principal smiled towards her as he rested his chin on his fingertips, “You can repeat next year if you return.” The bastard grinned at her, like it was the easiest solution. She felt her heart sinking, knowing she should’ve done better to control her anger.

“There’s only two months left,” Rosemary replied through gritted teeth, “You can’t do that.” She said seriously, feeling like it wasn’t fair that she’d have to redo so much schooling. She could do it at home and do fine, she knows she could.

“We can,” The principal seemed to be growing more bored by the second, “There is no law against it. This baby is yours and only yours. You deal with it.” Rosemary didn’t go back after that. She didn’t see what was so important about finishing until her due date if she was just going to redo the school year anyways.

As she grew closer to her due date, she grew more worried. Neil was finishing school and working two jobs, she was fearful that he wouldn’t be here when she went into labor. She didn’t want to go through it alone, but that seemed to be the route she was going in. Her mother wasn’t speaking to her and AnneMarie had created distance between them. There was Edith, but Rosemary didn’t think that they were that close.

“You’ll hold my hand, won’t you?” Rosemary asked Neil one night as she thought over how painful she’d heard labor could be. She rubbed her hand over her belly again, feeling the way the baby moved against her hand.

“I don’t think you’ll need that,” Neil shrugged her off, always the least keen for intimacy, “You’ll do fine.” She nodded her head, once again confirmed that this baby would only be hers.

1967

“What are you doing?” Neil asked, looking at Rosemary baffled. She knitted her eyebrows together as she looked at him.

“Eating.” She said simply as she dipped the spoon back into a jar of peanut butter. She slowly began to smother it on her chicken tender.

“That looks nasty.” Neil commented, a look of disgust wrinkled across his features as he watched her. She rolled her eyes softly.

“It’s good,” She said simply, “Don’t you have work?” She replied, feeling a little grumpy as she bit into her food. Neil had been irritating her lately. She figured it had to do with the fact that she was due any day. She felt huge and her ankles and feet were now swollen. Not that she could see them anyways.

“Right,” Neil kissed the top of her head, though he was grimacing, “Call my mom if anything happens.” She nods her head in agreement, not wanting to mention that Edith was usually busy at this time of day. Her nerves were high, but she usually diminished them by eating. She was convinced that this baby would be fat. She was huge. Her ankles were constantly swollen, and her belly protruded so much that she felt like a turtle on its back when she had to rise from her seat.

She'd just made her second rounds with the laundry when it happened. She'd felt a movement in her stomach, like the baby had dropped and settled lower. She straightened herself out quickly enough before she felt a gush of liquid dripping down her thighs. She had been horrified at first, fearing that she had suddenly peed herself. It took another second for her to realize that her water broke and another minute for her to clean up the mess and write Neil a quick note.

She didn't have her license, but that didn't stop her from driving Neil's truck to the hospital. They were working on getting another car but figured it would be easier after the baby was born. Neil had been carpooling the past week, saving it for her just to be safe. She was grateful, although by the time she arrived she was a crying mess. She was panicking, sure that she wasn't able to actually do this.

Rosemary forgot all of her worries the moment she held Billy in her arms. She knew instantly that his name was William and that he would be a very special boy. He barely cried, only when he was hungry. He didn’t mind being passed around or held by others. In fact, he seemed to enjoy being snuggled. Rosemary always held him the longest because he really was her baby.

He had a head full of blonde hair, bright blue eyes surrounded by thick eyelashes and the cutest little nose she’d ever seen. His tummy was soft, and round and he always had the tightest grip around her fingers. She didn’t say it out loud to Neil, but she thought Billy looked like a little version of herself. She promised Billy in secret that she’d never let anything bad happen to him.

"He's fat." Neil stated, the first statement to leave his lips once he finally arrived at the hospital. Edith was standing in the room and Rosemary was sure that she was waiting for her turn to hold Billy. Rosemary was being selfish. She had yet to let anyone else hold him. He was just so cute, so warm and soft as she continued to snuggle him to her chest. Rosemary turned to Neil quickly.

"He's not fat," She corrected him quickly, thinking that Billy was the perfect size. He was eight pounds and 20 inches tall. She looked down at Billy again, admiring the way his eyes fluttered underneath his eyelids. She wondered if he was dreaming, "He's perfect." She proclaimed happily.

"You should wake him up," Edith said suddenly, "He's been sleeping for a while. He needs to cry; it'll strengthen his lungs." She seemed adamant with her reasoning, speaking like Rosemary needed to jolt Billy awake at this very moment. Rosemary felt her lips forming into a frown this time as she looked down at Billy. He looked too peaceful to wake. She shook her head, deciding that she'd raise Billy how she wanted to do it.

Neil still worked a lot, but Rosemary didn’t mind. As soon as he dropped her off from the hospital, she took Billy to his nursery and tried on every single one of his outfits that he owned. She knew that he wasn’t a doll, but he looked as cute as one. Some outfits were still far too big, a few of them a little tight around his round tummy. She photographed him in every single outfit, wanting to see how he’d compare in a few months. She took a lot of pictures of him, all the time.

Edith had warned her about holding him too much, but Rosemary couldn’t really see what the issue was. He kept her company while Neil finished school and worked his odd jobs. She’d bounce him in her arms as the radio played on and she’d sing for hours and hours. She thought that maybe if they hadn’t moved, that she would’ve had a chance to become one of those rising stars in Nashville. She thought her voice was good enough.

Well, Billy did for sure. His eyes were always wide and full of interest and adoration when she’d sing to him. She’d sing him anything. From The Beatles to jazz and old country music. She’d always gauge his reaction from the way he wrinkled his nose and how he’d sigh through his nostrils when he was bored. He was an expressive baby, that was for sure.

Nights were the hardest for her. Neil refused to get up when Billy whined and cried, saying that it wasn’t his job because he had to work and finish school. Rosemary never protested because she honestly didn’t know if she trusted Neil to take care of Billy in that way. Majority of the time Billy was just hungry. He ate about every two hours before he’d drift back into sleep. Sometimes she’d fall asleep in the rocking chair in his room.

“Not like that,” She criticized Neil, watching the awkward way he was holding Billy in his arms, “You have to support his neck.” Neil wasn’t interested much in holding Billy, but she’d finally cornered him into it. She didn’t want Billy to not connect with him.

“Well, why can’t he?” Neil had snapped back, looking frustrated as Billy squirmed in his arms. She gave Neil an irritated look, feeling like he was asking a very, very dumb question. She shook her head, trying to calm herself before she spoke up.

“He’s a baby, look,” She told him quickly, beginning to reposition Billy in his arms again. Billy finally settled, stretching his little arms out as he yawned widely after finding a comfortable position in Neil’s arms. Neil’s eyes were wide, his movements stiff as if he was afraid to move while holding him, “You can breathe. He’s not that breakable.” She laughed softly, feeling like it had been their first normal interaction in months.

“You’re a big guy, aren't you?” Neil asked him, a hint of a smile curling on his lips as he rocked Billy back and forth. Rosemary wasn’t sure if he was referencing Billy’s tight grip with his fists or his chubby rolls and tummy. Billy could eat, that was for sure.

“Isn’t he perfect?” She sighed dreamily as she ran her hands through Billy’s soft baby hair. A grin formed on his face, his little body shivering in Neil’s arms from her actions. They both laughed and Rosemary had a feeling everything would be alright from now on.

////////////

“It’s not fair!” AnneMarie was shouting, tears in her eyes as she glared at Rosemary, “I couldn’t keep my baby, but you do? They’ve always favored you.” Rosemary was tired, frustrated from this same old conversation that had been repeated from the past few weeks. She hadn’t been the one to make AnneMarie get an abortion. Her heart hurt for her sister, but it had been her parents that had done it.

She winced as the boiling water splashed against her hand at the same time as she reached to turn the burner off. She sighed, feeling like the house had only grown messier and messier. She wasn’t sure why AnneMarie had come over in such a haste, but it was bad timing. Billy had been teething, crankier than usual as he began to gnaw and chew on everything. Rosemary had been bitten more than once and was beginning to struggle to nurse him because of how sore her breasts had become. Not to mention Neil’s awful mood swings lately. Rosemary felt like she had no rest and was running on fumes. She’d like a break.

“Mama and Papa aren’t speaking to me,” Rosemary said, turning to check on the food while Billy rattled a spoon against a pot and pan. He was growing too fast, already sitting up on his own and babbling little words. Rosemary had pleaded with him to slow down on his growth, but he had only giggled in response as he rolled around in his crib, “No one is favoring anyone.” She reminded her sister sternly.

“I’m four years older; you’re still a child,” AnneMarie walked around the table, gripping Rosemary’s wrists a little too tightly as she looked at her pleadingly, “I could raise him for you.” Rosemary felt as if she had been slapped as she looked into AnnMarie’s green eyes. She froze as she looked down at where her fingers were wrapped around her wrist.

Rosemary had always been honest with AnneMarie. It was a struggle sometimes. She missed school and hated that she had been unable to finish it. She’d asked Neil about going back to finish a few times, but he quickly dismissed her. She knew it would be too hard with Billy being so young. She’d spent her seventeenth birthday with Billy, making her own cupcakes and wondering if her parents were even thinking about her.

“Excuse me?” She asked quietly, her voice coming out in a warning manner. She looked at her sister seriously, hoping that she had only messed up her words. Surely, AnneMarie wasn’t serious. Billy yelled, drawing both of their attention away from each other as he loudly banged the spoon onto the pan. He giggled, looking to Rosemary to wait for her reaction. She smiled, although her heart was racing, and her veins were cold.

“You could finish school and get a nice job. You’re so young,” AnneMarie’s eyes were sorrowful, full of tears as she spoke again, “You can have more children. I can’t.” She spoke bitterly, full of heart as if she was reimagining what had happened to her. Rosemary felt bad, terrible as she took in her sister’s words. She acted as if it was some easy trade.

“No,” Rosemary shook her head, “You’re not thinking straight. You need to go. Right now.” She pulled herself away, quickly scooping Billy up from the floor. He giggled as he held onto her as he tried to fit the wooden spoon into his mouth. He was oblivious to the tension as he rolled his head back to rest on Rosemary’s shoulder. She looked down at him and from this angle she could see the baby teeth that were beginning to protrude.

“I’m begging you,” AnneMarie had tears rolling down her cheeks, “I can care for him better than you ever could.” Rosemary felt a gasp forming in her chest as she stared in disbelief, unsure if AnneMarie had really said that or not. Her words hurt, no matter how badly AnneMarie tried to play them off. Rosemary was doing her best, doing all that she could to make sure that Billy had a happy and safe life.

“Go,” Rosemary told her sternly, holding Billy to her chest, “Now.” She was so angry she felt like she could scream, but she wouldn’t do that in front of Billy. She followed AnneMarie to the door, not caring that she was crying as she slammed the door behind her. She locked it and moved the little table in front of it, just for good measure.

She locked the doors and windows every night after that, even though Neil thought she was silly. It didn’t matter to her. She was terrified to lose Billy, especially to have someone whisk him away from her. He was her baby, and she wouldn’t let anything happen to him.

1968

She had forgotten what they were arguing about, but she was certain it had been something dumb. It was always something dumb anymore. Her and Neil couldn’t agree on anything. He had changed so much since they’d first gotten together. This wasn’t the Neil she knew, the one that she once cared for. She swore she’d never seen him angry before and it was like there was a monster lurking in his place.

The first time he hit her she hadn’t been expecting it. She hadn’t expected Neil to yell at her the first time he’d done so either. Perhaps she just pretended not to see the signs, blurred them for her vision so she could continue to act like they were happy and in love. Although, she wasn’t sure if she had ever loved Neil. They were bound together through Billy, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t make it work.

Her ears rang as her head was knocked in the other direction. Her mind was fuzzy for just a second, just a split second before her fingers were curling into fists. She was blinded by anger as she began to blindly strike at him, smacking and hitting whatever she could get a hold of.

“Don’t you ever touch me like that again!” She was pounding her fists against his shoulders, kicking his shins as he tried to push her away from him, “You bastard! Who do you think you are?” She demanded of him, her cheek burning from where he had slapped her. Her fingers knit into his hair, grabbing it so roughly that he was momentarily distracted from the pain. She took the time to smack him twice across the face, her palms stinging from how harshly their skin had connected.

She yelped as he backhanded her, his fingers gripping her neck tightly as he slammed her against the wall. Her feet dragged against the floor from how rough his movements were, the pictures that she had hung up fell onto the hardwood floor in a loud crash of glass.

“Your husband,” He said harshly as he gripped the base of her throat, “And you better learn to respect me.” His eyes were dilated in fury, his lips curling as if she was the disgusting one. He wagged a finger in front of her and had it not been from his grip on her neck, she was sure she would’ve bit it off.

“I don’t care who you are,” She seethed back, wincing as he slammed her head back against the wall again, “You touch me like that again and I’ll knock your teeth out.” She told him honestly, not caring that he was her husband or twice her size.

It went on for months. He’d scream at her, she’d scream back. He’d hit her, she’d smack him back. It was like he was testing her, seeing how far he could push her until she’d eventually back down. She didn’t. She wasn’t born to feel like she was below him.

She thought that it irritated him that she didn’t fit into the same mold as his friends' wives. She didn’t find the point in making his plate for him, in doing his laundry and waking him up for work. She didn't wear makeup every day or dress herself in heels the way the other housewives would. She thought that if he wanted her to baby him, he could move back in with his mother.

She was sure that in his eyes, she was wild and untamed. She figured he thought that he could fix her, make her see the light. She thought that he was a fool. She didn’t need fixing. She was fine being herself.

It wasn't until he brought up the prospect of leaving her that she really began to switch her attitude. She knew what it meant without him saying anything. He would take Billy from her, and she’d never see him again.

She started behaving more to his standards after that. She woke him up for work, fixed his tie and served him his plate through clenched teeth. Sometimes she'd watch him eat and wondered if he could taste the spit that she'd mixed in with his food. There were many times she thought about punching him in his arrogant face. She wished she could run, but she had nowhere to go.

Her parents hadn’t spoken to her since she’d left. She hadn’t received one letter or phone call, not even a response when she’d written to inform them about Billy’s birth. AnneMarie still wasn’t talking to her, but Rosemary didn’t think she was an option anyways. She still feared that she’d try to run off with Billy. She had no one. She was alone.

So, she sucked it up. The more she listened to Neil, the less likely he was to get angry and the less likely he was to hit her. It wasn’t too bad for a while, he even seemed apologetic without saying so. However, it was hard to keep him happy. If she was acting right, then she wasn’t dressing right. It was like she wasn’t even a person, just something that Neil could bend to his will however he pleased.

Billy seemed to be the only person who understood her, and he could barely speak and was still in diapers. He always held onto Rosemary’s every word, his eyes wide and filled with wonder. She didn’t feel quite so crazy when she was speaking to him.

“Oh, let’s try something new,” Rosemary cooed as Billy grunted from his highchair. She was always impressed with how well he ate, how he was always eager to eat more things, “Are you excited?” She grinned, watching the way he made grabby hands and began to kick his feet back and forth.

Rosemary kept thinking he was getting too big, but when she compared him to other babies, he actually seemed to be fairly small. Neither her nor Neil were very tall. He was about average height and Rosemary was short. It made her wonder how big Billy would be.

“Ah!” He grunted again, kicking his feet a little wilder to gain her attention. She laughed, blowing on the scoop of scrambled eggs one more time before she placed it into his mouth. Right away his face contorted into disgust as he slowly chewed on it. He wiggled his tongue across the roof of his mouth, looking like he couldn’t make sense of the flavor before he began to gag on it.

“Oh boy,” Rosemary watched unsure for a moment, making sure that he wasn’t actually choking as she watched him continue to chew then swallow. He turned towards her, grunting again as he opened his mouth, “Are you sure?” She asked, knowing full well that he couldn’t answer her.

She brought another bite up to his mouth, but it resulted in the same disgusted facial features. Billy gagged again, squinting his eyes together as a new look of revulsion spread across his features.

“Is that a no then?” She asks, a little amused. He quickly shakes his head again before he was leaning in and holding his mouth open wide. Although Rosemary can still see the traces of disgust on his features, “You can say no.” She says slowly as she brings another bite up to his mouth.

His whole body contorts in disgust this time, his blue eyes wide and glossy as he rolls the eggs around in his mouth with his tongue. He gags again, little pieces of egg falling from his lips. He looked miserable. Rosemary dropped the spoon, deciding that eggs were a no go. Despite all of that, Billy opens his mouth again.

“I’ll get you something else,” She told him quickly as he began to whine and groan in protest, acting like he’s starving, "Calm down, silly.” She tries to reassure him. When she finally returns with a thing of baby food, he’s red in the face and squeaking like the piglets she used to raise.

For his first Birthday she’d made him a shark cake. It was slightly messy, and the design was a little off, but Billy had still eaten it through his chubby fists and giggled and gurgled in happiness. He made her feel like everything would be alright. She’d made his present, a blue quilt. It wasn’t in the best shape, but she figured she could make better ones for him when he got older.

“He made a fucking mess.” Neil had commented, noticing the blue icing that was decorated across Billy’s cheeks and through his hair. Rosemary felt proud when she looked at Billy. She had never seen such a happy, grateful baby before. He was always willing to be held by others, even though he always crawled back towards Rosemary in the end. Mama had been his first word, then nana. She hoped Neil realized what that meant.

“He just turned one,” Rosemary had responded with a bright smile through clenched teeth, “Do you always have to be so negative? Can you just try to be happy for once?” She asked, tilting her head as she continued to talk through a sweet tone. Neil’s eyes narrowed but he said nothing, keeping his answer a secret from her.

1969

As Billy grows, so does his energy. Before she knows it, he’s up walking and stumbling throughout the house. He moves a lot and he moves fast, constantly making Rosemary search through the various rooms to figure out where he’d been hiding this time.

Naps became harder and harder to put him down for. It was like he feared that he’d be missing out on something while he slept. He'd cry and whine in protest and if Rosemary ever did succeed in putting him down on his own, he'd end up stumbling out of bed searching for her anyways. Half the time, Rosemary ended up curling up with him on the couch or on her bed and snoozing with him. It was the only time he really napped.

She thought that he was still tinier than most babies his age, but his doctor says he’s growing fine. Billy is perfectly healthy and still the happiest little baby she’s ever met. She likes to pepper kisses all over his cheeks, because it makes him squeal in glee.

Dressing him becomes harder and harder as well. He’s determined that he only ever needs to wear his diaper and he whimpers and cries every time she slides socks and shoes onto him. She eventually gives up with the shoes, figuring that he won’t really be running around in public anyways. Not to mention it gives her easy access to kiss his cute little baby toes. It always makes him giggle loudly too.

Neil remained the same, if not worse. Last week he had humiliated her in a way she’d never been humiliated before. He had forced her over his knee and spanked her the way her daddy used to when she had been bad. She had screamed and cried the whole time and scratched at his leg until she'd drawn blood. She never wanted him to touch her again.

“Maybe,” Rosemary approached Neil, feeling a little nervous to bring the subject up. Her bottom was still sore, “Once Billy can attend school I could go back?” She asked hopefully, still feeling like she wanted to finish her own education. It was important to her.

“Why would you need to finish school?” Neil cocked an eyebrow as she looked towards her. Billy was resting on his lap, his little eyelashes fluttering as he continued to drift in and out of sleep as bedtime quickly approached. Neil’s loose grip on him made her nervous.

“Well, it would keep me busy,” She says in a teasing way, knowing that sometimes Neil accused her of being a busybody, “And it would help me get a good job.” She said at last, knowing that she couldn’t stay in this house forever. Billy would grow up eventually, no matter how badly she wanted him to stay this small.

“You don’t need a job,” Neil looked up at her harshly, “I work, you take care of the boy and the house. That’s the way things should be done. You don’t need to go to fucking school.” Neil shook his head, letting Rosemary know that there would be no more discussion about school. She fell onto the couch, trying to hide her disappointment as she began to sort through the various patterns for her next quilt.

////////////////

Rosemary started doing baking sales and sells cakes for birthday parties to make a little bit of her own money. When people aren’t looking for sweets, she decides to pick up on babysitting the neighborhood kids. She figures it’s not that big of a deal, as she has to watch Billy anyways.

There’s one little girl though, Sally, that Rosemary can’t stand. She tries to be as polite as she can, but every time Sally is over Rosemary feels like she’s lost a year or two of her life. Sally is mean, tells the other kids what to do and throws a tantrum when they don’t listen.

Rosemary particularly doesn’t like how she always tries to make Billy cry. Sally purposely pokes at him until he gets irritated, steals his pacifier and mocks his baby babbles. The last straw was when Rosemary had caught her nudging Billy’s shoulders until he fell over on his bottom. Rosemary could no longer watch her and she hoped that Sally’s family would move far away.

“Little man,” Neil peered down, watching the way Billy was gripping his pant legs and bouncing up and down, “Did you give him sugar?” Neil asked curiously, looking less than amused as Billy began to babble and talk in his shrill baby voice. She grinned, thinking that Billy was adorable.

“No,” Rosemary glanced over from the dinner she was working on, “He doesn’t really like sweets.” She admitted, thinking about the way that his nose would wrinkle up when she’d give him bits of icing. He seemed to prefer savory foods. Though, she had found out that he did enjoy pies.

“Why’s he so hyper?” Neil asked, bending over to pick Billy up. He held him in his arms, watching as Billy continued to bounce in his hands. Rosemary thought that Neil must be fairly dumb to not notice that Billy acted that way all the time. He was a ball of energy, there was no stopping it.

“I guess he’s just excited to see you,” Rosemary said casually, “That makes someone.” She mumbled underneath her breath, wondering who she had to ask to make Neil disappear forever.

They get married that Winter, although she’s not as excited as she should be. She knows this means that she’ll be stuck to Neil forever, but she decides it’s better for Billy. Her dress is simple, a little too long for her but it works. It has short sleeves and a lace bodice and is just a little too baggy for her petite frame.

“Oh my,” She grins as she bends over to hold one of Billy’s chunky fists, “Don’t you look so handsome?” He’s in his own little suit and keeps wrinkling his nose as he wiggles around in it. He’d taken off his jacket a handful of times, but Neil and Edith had put it on each time. Rosemary was sure that Billy was moments away from stripping down completely.

“Mama!” He grins wildly, “Pwetty.” He says with a joyous grin as he pokes his little finger against the sunflower that’s pinned onto her dress. She smiles as she kisses the top of his head, happy that she’d at least have him.

“He looks a lot like Neil.” Edith says. Rosemary tries to keep from expressing her discomfort. She thinks that Billy looks like her, no matter what anyone else says. He’ll act like her too. She’s sure of it.

1970

“Arnica oil,” Rosemary looked over surprised, taken aback by the soft voice that spoke up, “To help with that bruise.” The woman spoke up, a tired look in her eyes as she held onto a little girl's hand. Billy dipped behind Rosemary’s legs, hiding his head behind her skirt.

“Oh,” Rosemary said softly, moving her hand up towards her cheek. She felt embarrassed for a moment, thinking that she had covered it fairly well, “Thank you.” For some reason she couldn’t find it in her to snap at the redhead. She had on a hospital uniform, telling Rosemary that she had seen worse things than bruises.

“Mhm,” She bent down, scanning the lower shelves. Billy dipped his head from behind Rosemary’s legs, looking over with interest at the little girl that stood next to the woman. She had the same red hair and brown eyes, “It’ll take care of the swelling.” She explained as she scanned for the cheapest food items.

“Mommy,” The little girl tugged on the other woman’s arm, a bashful expression on her features as she pointed, “Please?” She asked softly, referencing the box of cookies. Rosemary felt a smile curling onto her lips as she was momentarily reminded of how badly she wanted a daughter at one point. She glanced back towards Billy, noticing the curious look in his eyes.

“You and your sweets,” The woman said with a smile, brushing her nose against the little girls, “Your teeth are going to fall out.” She teased her gently, but neglected to actually grab the cookies. Rosemary watched how the little girls eyes grew into saucers.

“Ouch,” Billy commented, looking up at Rosemary, “Me too?” He asked curiously, opening his mouth wide so he could show off his pearly teeth. She laughed, feeling it rumble deep inside of her chest. Billy always managed to make her feel better somehow.

“I think your teeth are fine,” She ran a hand through his hair, shaking it softly to earn a giggle from him, “We better go. Thank you again.” She nodded her head towards the woman, noticing how she had swooped the little girl into her arms. She waved towards Rosemary, her lips bending into a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“Bye!” Billy exclaimed happily, tugging on Rosemary’s arm before he let out a shriek giggle. The little girl smiled before she quickly wrapped her arms around her mother and buried her face in the crook of her mother’s neck.

“You’re silly,” Rosemary says as they leave, noticing the way he keeps glancing over her shoulder, “I guess we need to find you a friend.” She says softly, thinking that he really didn’t interact with other children that much.

/////////////

“He needs a haircut.” Neil said bitterly over dinner one night. Rosemary paused from watching the way Billy was struggling with his little baby utensils. He had eventually given up, opting to use his little fists to eat his gumbo instead.

“Why?” Rosemary asked seriously as she turned to look at Billy again. He had thick hair, but in her opinion it wasn’t that long at all. Billy noticed her looking at him and quickly smiled towards her, showing off his pretty baby teeth.

“Because it’s too fucking long,” Neil snapped back, “Look at it.” He motioned towards Billy. Billy giggled, clearly thinking that Neil was playing about something. Rosemary pressed her fingertips across the bridge of her nose.

“It’s fine,” She shook her head in disbelief as she ran her fingers through Billy’s curls. It just barely touched the nape of his neck, “It doesn’t have to be cropped.” She told him quickly, watching the way Billy looked up at her with an amused expression.

“He looks like a girl.” Neil said sternly, voicing his disapproval as he always did. Rosemary sighed softly, feeling like Neil was complaining because Billy looked like her.

“He does not,” Rosemary said quickly. She’d never mentioned it to Neil before, but Billy has been mistaken as a girl quite a bit as a baby. He was just too cute with his little button nose and thick eyelashes, “It’s just hair, Neil.” She reminded him, feeling like it was silly to think that hair should be gendered. She wondered if Neil had ever seen the pictures that had Jesus with long hair.

“I no girl.” Billy caught on a second later, furrowing his darker eyebrows together. He glanced at both of his parents for just a second before he dove back into his food. Neil shot her an angry look and she waited, expecting him to start into his rant on how she’d be confusing Billy. He’d been saying that a lot recently and she couldn’t understand why.

///////////////

“What do you want to do today?” She asked Billy, liking the way his blue eyes shined every time she woke him up in the morning. He tilted his head, a playful expression on his features as he crawled out of his bed.

“The beach!” He responded loudly, cheerily as he hopped over her lap, “Please!” He begged cupping her face in his hands as he blew air into his cheeks to make them stick out. She laughed, rubbing his back softly. She didn’t know how she’d ever be able to say no to that cute little face.

“Of course we can go to the beach,” She said as she scooped him into her arms, “We have to be careful though.” She told him, lowering her voice so she sounded a little more serious. Billy stopped wiggling in her arms, sitting still on her lap so he could listen to her.

“Why?” He asked, his voice coming out hushed as his blue eyes grew wide with worry and wonder. His lips parted as he nudged her from impatience, waiting for her to share her secrets with him.

“Because those sharks might get you!” She exclaimed, beginning to attack his sides with her fingers. He giggled, wiggling on the bed as he kicked his little feet up into the air. She laughed to herself, enjoying the way he squealed with joy.

“No!” He squeaked out happily, “No sharks!” He continued to giggle underneath her grasp. His eyes were squinted and his cheeks were a soft red. She grinned as she slowly released her grip, memorizing the way his little nose would scrunch up in delight.

Billy always enjoyed sitting near and watching the surfers. She was slowly getting him more accustomed to learning how to swim with the waves of the ocean. He was always happy, even if he got sprayed with salt water. She’d thought about signing him up for lessons, but was still worried about how small he was.

When they return home she gives him a quick bath, although she’s sure that Billy could spend the rest of the afternoon in the tub. It takes some persuading once he’s dried off for him to actually get dressed, but he eventually does. He still hates to wear socks.

“Here,” She hands him the whisk, “Mix that together while I get the frosting started.” She told him quickly, watching the way he was awkwardly holding the whisk in his fist. He moved it around roughly, wrinkling his nose as part of the cake mix splashed outside of the bowl.

“Wow,” Billy said in amazement, his eyes wide as he watched the cake rise in the oven, “Cool!” He tells her proudly with a big smile. He continues to sit in front of the oven as he plays with some of the clean dishes from the drawers. She doesn’t mind, but she knows he’ll have to put it up before Neil gets back. It irritates Neil when Billy is in the kitchen.

“He’s too damn attached,” Neil criticizes her one afternoon, “He’s going to end up confused being around you all the time.” He tells her pointedly. She looks up from the floor, holding one of the many toy cars that Billy had. She didn’t mind playing with Billy, because she had nothing else to do. Billy mimics the sound of an engine as he drives one of the toy cars across her arm.

“Alright,” Rosemary said bitterly, “How about I go back to school and start working then while you stay here and watch Billy?” Neil leans forward and backhands her without answering her question.

The next day Rosemary waits until it’s eleven to clean up the table. Neil never came home after work and she did her best not to panic. She’d spent many nights wishing that he would disappear, but feared to know what that really meant. She didn’t know any place that would hire her. She’d dropped out her sophomore year of school.

“Mommy?” Billy questions as his tiny feet patter into the living room. His hair was untidy as he wiped his little fists across his eyes, “You no sleepy?” He looked at her confused as he clambered onto her lap. She adjusted a bit to pull the quilt over the two of them on the couch.

“Just a bit,” She tells him softly as she presses her cheek against him and rocks him back and forth, “Why aren’t you in bed?” She asks him softly. He snuggles a little closer to her before he rubs his little nose across her shoulder.

“I miss daddy.” Billy admits after a second as he moves the quilt up higher over his chest. He wiggles his little nose as Rosemary continues to fiddle with his hair.

“Oh you do?” She asks him gently, “Well I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” She reassured him, unsure of what Neil would be doing out this late at night. She was sure if something was wrong, she would’ve received a phone call by now. He was out on purpose. She drifts off with Billy not long after, holding his little body close to her chest.

“You didn’t come home last night,” Rosemary tells Neil softly the next morning, “I wonder why that is.” She says slowly, already knowing the answer. She had marks on his neck that weren’t from her. She hadn’t touched Neil in the longest time so she certainly didn’t give him that giddy expression.

“Does it fucking matter?” He snaps as he folds up his newspaper again. Billy’s head shoots up from the sharp tone. Rosemary breathes in deeply, usually not liking Billy to see them fight but she felt so upset to even care at the moment.

“It does,” Rosemary suddenly feels angry, “What did you do?” She asks him between clenched teeth. He stares at her blankly, keeping eye contact the whole time as he slowly unwraps the newspaper again. He says nothing as he begins to read from it.

//////////////////

When Billy is three Rosemary decides it’s time for him to dip his toes into school. She decides that summer school might be better, thinking that it wouldn’t keep him away from her for as long. He only has to go four days a week, she tries to assure herself that it will be fine.

“It’s just school, sunshine,” She told him gently, bending over so she could look at him clearly, “You’re going to have so much fun.” She tried to reassure him, but it was clear he wasn’t listening by the deep way he inhaled and continued to cry.

“Yeah,” He cried out pitifully, “With you.” He’s reaching forward again, holding onto her tightly as he sobs into her chest. Her heart aches, breaking at each little whimper that leaves his mouth. She doesn’t want to leave Billy behind, would rather have him around her all day. She knows she can’t do that forever, that he’ll eventually need to go to school. She figures it really is better that he starts early to adjust.

“With kids your age,” She corrects him, although she’s blinking tears from her own eyes, “And then I’ll see you in a few hours. You won’t even notice.” She tries to brush it off, although she’s half tempted to wait in the school parking lot until it’s time to get him.

“Mommy, no,” Billy sobbed as he wiped his small palms across his eyes. His cheeks were red, and tear stained as he hiccupped, “Don’t wanna.” He whined, holding onto her a little tighter. She inhaled sharply, thinking that it really would be okay for him to wait another year or two.

“Who you?” A little girl approached. She looked at Billy curiously, tilting her head. Her red hair was pulled back into two ponytails. She’s lankier than him and stands a little taller although something tells Rosemary that she’s younger. Billy suddenly shrinks away.

“This is Billy,” Rosemary introduced him, watching the way he shyly hid his face in her chest, “What’s your name?” She asked softly, trying to adjust Billy so he could view the little girl. He groans and buries his face deeper instead.

She pauses dramatically before she speaks loudly, “Kimbww-,” She stumbles for a minute, wrinkling her features into a deep thought before she speaks again, “Kim Wose!” She decides on as she sways her arms back and forth.

“Hear that, Billy?” Rosemary jolts him gently, trying to shake him out of his shell, “Her name is Kim.” She tells him, speaking full of excitement. She’s hoping that the prospect of making a new friend may stir him from his burrow.

“So?” He grumbles out, looking irritated as he hides his face again, He hides his face deeper in her chest, groaning to himself between his little sniffles. She pulls him back a little more seriously this time.

“Hey,” She tells him softly, “That wasn’t very nice.” She tells him a little sternly. His little lip pouts out as he nods his head, his blue eyes flashing full of sorrow. She wraps him up a little tighter, always feeling bad when she has to correct his behavior.

“Hi.” Billy says dramatically as he begins to cry again. He sobs, his shoulders shaking as he holds onto Rosemary. She pats his back softly, watching as Kim slowly inches herself closer. She pulls her thumb from her mouth.

“Why sad?” She walks up to Rosemary’s crossed legs, tilting her head in confusion as she watches Billy. Rosemary watches her for a moment, thinking that she looks a little familiar. She wonders if she’s ever baked for her family before.

“My mommy go bye bye.” Billy says dramatically again, his blue eyes bright from the tears in his eyes. He sniffles harshly as he finally sits up, allowing himself to look at Kim. Her eyes widen with understanding.

“It okay!” Kim wiggles into their personal space, joining Billy on Rosemary’s other knee. She’s surprised for a second before she lets her other hand rest against Kim’s back, “It fun hewe!” Kim clasps her little hands between her legs as she speaks, smiling brightly. Her cheeks are covered in dark pink freckles and she has a little dimple on her cheek when she smiles.

“See,” Rosemary smiled towards Billy, “She has lots of fun.” She tries to assure him. Billy grumbles as he shrugs his shoulders, still staring down at the ground. Kim reaches forward to cup his face with her hands.

“Do you play?” She asks Billy with wide eyes, her expression filled with joy. Rosemary begins to wonder if Kim was an only child too as it was fairly clear that she had no idea how to handle personal space.

“Yeah,” Billy looked a little stunned as he glanced towards Rosemary with wide eyes. He looked like he was unsure of how to handle Kim’s forwardness either, “I like to play.” He confirms with a nod of his head. Kim squealed, quickly moving to tug at Billy’s little arms.

Billy shoots one last look towards Rosemary but she just waves at him, knowing that he really will be okay once he gets in there. Still, she feels like she’s missing out on precious time with him as Billy slowly turns away. Rosemary stands and follows at a safe distance, making sure that Billy won’t make a mad dash back to her.

She watches as Kim tugs him along. Rosemary smiles, thinking that the difference between the two is cute. Kim is lanky and a few inches taller. Billy is stockier, a little shorter as she pulls him towards one of the round tables in the back of the room. Rosemary watches for another moment, making sure that he’s settled before she quietly slips out of the room.

Rosemary waits at the end of the steps, her fingertips digging into her palm while she waits for Billy to get out. She feels her heart beating in anticipation when a little crowd of bodies slowly makes their way out the door.

“Mommy!” Billy shouts, rushing forward as he holds his arms out wide. He bursts into tears again as he clings to her. She feels her heart drop as she rocks him back and forth, before she finds a spot on a bench.

“Oh my,” She grins as she kisses the top of his head, “I missed you two, sunshine. Did you have a good day?” She asks him in hopes that he didn’t spend all day crying. His cheeks are pink and wet again as he quickly nods his head. He doesn’t get a chance to respond before he’s interrupted.

“Hi!” Kim exclaims again as she crawls into Rosemary’s lap for the second time that day, “You pwetty.” She says suddenly, surprising Rosemary as Kim’s baby hands press up against her cheeks. Rosemary blinks, not used to having another toddler be so affectionate with her.

“Oh, thank you,” Rosemary smiles as she holds onto the both of them, “Are you going home?” She asks curiously, wondering where her parents might be. The line of kids have slowly dwindled until they’re the only ones remaining. Rosemary doesn’t really feel safe leaving Kim on her own.

“I wait,” Kim is clambering around, “No one’s hewe yet!” She says dramatically as she holds her palms against her face and drops her jaw dramatically. Billy giggles at her gestures.

“We can wait with you,” Rosemary nods her head, feeling bad that Kim may have to sit by herself, “Don’t you think, Billy?” She asks, hoping that it won’t be too long. Neil will be mad if they’re late and she doesn’t have dinner ready.

“Yeah,” Billy smiled big as he nodded his head, “We will wait!” He says in determination as they two of them begin to play again. Kim makes Rosemary slightly nervous by the way she crawls and clambers over different objects. Rosemary keeps glancing at the building, wondering when her parents will be here.

Kim wraps her little arms around Rosemary’s elbow before she leans forward to press her soft cheek against Rosemary’s shoulder. Rosemary smiles softly, looking at her curiously. Billy follows Kim’s lead and begins to rub his cheek against Rosemary’s skin.

“Are your parents coming?” She asked, then was unsure if Kim had heard that word before, “Does your mommy or daddy get you?” She asks instead, watching the way Kim’s hazel eyes brightened.

“Nana!” Kim proclaims proudly, smiling before she looks around. Rosemary followed her suit, unsure of what Rosemary would do if Kim’s grandma didn’t show up. Rosemary lets Kim lift her arm up in the air before she’s spinning underneath her hand.

“Me too!” Billy shouts happily, “I have a nana!” He rushes over to Kim again, bouncing in excitement. Rosemary glances around, feeling nervous as the time begins to grow later and later.

Kim’s grandma finally arrives about fifteen minutes later and Rosemary wonders if she should remind her that their school had been out for nearly an hour at this point. Her grandma’s hair was pulled back tightly with tight lines across her features. She looked irritated and wore a long sleeved black dress and skirt despite the heat.

“You know I watch kids sometimes,” Rosemary started to say as her grandmother helped Kim pack up her things, which wasn’t a lot, “I wouldn’t mind watching Kim every so often. She’s really sweet.” Rosemary offers, thinking that it wouldn’t be bad to watch her. She was certainly better than most of the kids she watched, not nearly as snotty.

“She’s a snoop is what she is,” The woman muttered, “Always getting into everything.” She shook her head in disbelief, like she was irritated with something Kim had done. Rosemary was a little stunned from how sharp her tone was. Suddenly, Kim’s attachment made sense.

“Kids are like that,” Rosemary pauses for a moment, “You know on weekends or whatever. She could stop by. Does she come here all the time?” She pries a little further. She thinks that it would be good for Kim to venture out with other people. Rosemary doesn’t like how rigid her grandma seems to be.

“If only,” The woman snorts, “This is the third place her father has put her in. He can’t ever remember to actually take her.” She rolls her eyes, speaking with disdain as she reference’s Kim’s father.

“Oh,” Rosemary pauses again, “So would you like my address or telephone number?” She asks again, watching as Billy and Kim continue to chase themselves around the two adults. Kim’s grandmother snaps roughly and loudly, making Kim stop

“That won’t be necessary,” The woman brushes Rosemary off, “I wouldn’t want to put that burden on you.” She shakes her head before she roughly pats the back of Kim’s shoulders and makes her walk forward. Kim pouts her lips out as she looks back at them and Rosemary sends her a gentle wave, feeling bad for her.

Kim never comes over, despite Rosemary suggesting it a few more times to her grandmother. The days Kim comes are actually very vague and by the end of the summer she’s no longer there.

///////////////

“Oh, how handsome,” Rosemary gushed as she pinched and poked at Billy’s cheeks, “You look like a little officer.” She told him seriously. She’d found a simple white buttoned up shirt for him, though she was beginning to wonder if it would be safe. Billy tended to be a messy eater. She’d fastened him a little tie, but Billy kept messing with that too. She’d felt quite proud of the little badge she had made for him. It looked similar to Neil’s.

“Just like daddy!” Billy responded, a proud look written across his features. He wiggles his arms back and forth as he looks around, looking quite excited to join Neil today.

“He would look better with a haircut.” Neil grumbles as he slams his coffee cup into the sink. Rosemary sighs deeply, watching as Neil crossed the room to pick up his jacket and things. Billy bounced in his spot, looking like he was about ready to launch into the sky.

“He looks fine,” Rosemary stood, feeling a little nervous at the thought of Billy being alone with Neil for a whole afternoon, “Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” She asked again, unsure if Neil would be patient enough to deal with Billy on his own. She hoped that he would be, but she was unsure.

“It’s bring your kid to work day, not your wife.” Neil scoffed, like her offer was completely ridiculous. Rosemary frowns towards him, hating the way he’d sometimes treat her like she was stupid.

“Yeah, but what if he gets tired or needs something?” She asks him slowly as she runs her nails gently through Billy’s pretty locks. Billy looks up at her, his eyes full of excitement. She bent over low enough to kiss his smooth forehead.

“Are you saying I can’t take care of my son?” Neil accused her, looking angry as he spoke through gritted teeth. She shook her head, feeling like Neil was trying to pick a fight out of nothing.

“He’s used to me.” She said softly, unsure if she was saying the right thing or not. She didn’t want Neil to lash out at her, but she was speaking the truth. She couldn’t help but worry that Billy would be away from her for so long.

“Too used to you,” Neil muttered in annoyance, “He’ll end up a little bitch too.” He said simply before he scooped Billy into his arms and left through the door. Rosemary felt dread filling her chest as she watched the two of them leave.

She was staring at the boiling water when the front door opened. She snapped her head around, ready to greet Billy when he came at her full force. He had discarded his tie and unbuttoned his shirt, his cheeks were red and his eyes puffy from crying.

“What’s wrong?” She asked as she scooped him up, rocking him back and forth as he settled into her arms through soft cries. Neil came in a second later, slamming the door behind him. He glanced up at her.

“He got spanked,” He said simply as he hung up his work jacket, “He’s a damn brat.” Neil said gruffly as Billy started to cry a little harder. Rosemary looked at him horrified.

“Why would you spank him?” Rosemary demanded, feeling furious as the water began to boil over onto the oven. She cursed as she quickly shut it off, not caring if dinner got finished tonight.

“I told him to sit still, and he wouldn’t listen,” Neil said simply with a shrug of his shoulders, “He’ll listen now.” Neil said harshly as he began to open the fridge and pull out a gallon of milk. Billy wiped at his eyes again, hiccupping from how hard he’d been crying.

“You ass.” Rosemary cursed at him, feeling furious for the way he’d made Billy cry. She was mad at herself too. She knew that Neil wouldn’t be able to handle Billy and she still let him take Billy alone. She felt dumb as she realized that Neil wouldn’t be able to ever handle Billy on his own.

1971

“Your mom brought these over,” Rosemary begins to show the ceramic plate off to Neil, “She said it was her great-great grandmother’s set.” She observes it, happy that her relationship with his mother only seemed to be getting better. The set really was pretty. It was a full set of plates, bowls and cups.

Neil nods, his eyebrows flickering up a little in irritation as Billy begins to smack his palms against the table. He giggles in joy, looking happy at the sounds that he’s producing. Rosemary smiles, wondering if Billy would grow up liking music too.

“That’s enough of that,” Neil says quickly, making Billy pause his movements. His tone is a little sterner, more rough. Billy looks alarmed as he looks over towards Rosemary, his bottom lip beginning to tremble. She smiles brightly, hoping to calm his little nerves, “Nice dishes.” Neil dismisses Rosemary, clearly not interested in anything she had to say.

She sighs as she moves back behind the couch, deciding she’d put it all away on her own. She meets Billy’s eye again, motioning towards Neil as she knits her face up in a funny way to mock Neil. Billy giggles, looking happy again as he smacks his palms down against the table.

Rosemary doesn’t know it’s happening until it’s too late. Billy is still smacking his palms against the table, trying to mirror the beat from the music on the radio. He’s giggling one second, a smile plastered on his lips and in the next second he’s on the ground screaming with a reddened cheek.

She reacted on instinct, flames boiling deep inside of her as she swung the plate down upon Neil’s face. It broke into small little pieces, cutting deep across his face as the ceramic pieces went flying everywhere. She’s surprised by her actions, so she knows that Neil is as well. It takes him a second to react before he’s on his feet and gripping her throat so tightly she can barely breathe.

“Don’t you ever touch him like that!” She’s screaming, clawing and kicking at him as he’s roughly shaking her like a rag doll. She’s full of rage and anger, unable to control herself. She didn’t care how many times Neil hit her, but he wouldn’t hit Billy. She wouldn’t let him.

“You crazy bitch,” Neil seethes out as Billy screams in the background. She’s still smacking at his face, smearing his blood across his cheeks and her hands, “You’ve lost your mind.” He tells her before he punches her in the face. She falls clear back, her bottom sliding against the floor as she grips her nose. She’s bleeding as she stared up at him, unable to move as Neil grips her hair tightly. He earns a scream from her as he yanks her onto her knees and smacks her across each cheek until her face is burning and red.

He leaves her there on the floor, but not before kicking her a few times and shouting a few more curses towards her. She expects him to go to the room, but he leaves the house completely. She breaths in harshly, her ribs aching as she crawls towards where Billy is still crying on the ground.

“It’s okay,” Rosemary tries to reassure Billy, her hands shaking as she rocks him back and forth. He’s whimpering and crying into her chest. She feels terrible, knowing that this was something she never wanted Billy to witness. She feels warm, fat tears beginning to slide down her own cheeks as if she’s failed him somehow, “I’m so sorry.” She apologizes quickly, although she knows that she wasn’t responsible for what Neil did. She feels like Billy needs to hear it regardless.

“Owie,” He whines into her chest, his little shoulders sagging from how harshly he’s breathing. She continues to rock him back and forth, her tears painting her cheeks as she tried to hide her own sobs, “He’s mean.” Billy whimpered softly.

Rosemary pulled him away gently, holding onto his chin as she looked over his cheek. It was still red and she feared that it would bruise. She was filled with a fresh wave of anger and thought about breaking the rest of the dishes against Neil’s face.

Neil remained gone for the next three days and Rosemary was more than happy with that. She kept Billy home with her and had him help her while she worked on a cupcake order for an upcoming birthday party. She kept Billy close to her, worried that something else would happen. Neil seemed unreadable.

On the fourth night he strolled in, past dinner and when Billy was already tucked into bed. Rosemary said nothing as she continued to scrub at the dishes in the sink. She barely acknowledged him because she feared she’d only end up making him more angry.

“Can we talk?” Neil approached after she scrubbed her hands dry with the kitchen towel. She breathed in deeply through her nose and closed her eyes, trying to calm her beating heart. She turned slowly, making sure that he looked at the fresh bruises on her face.

“Why?” She asked him seriously, feeling like there was nothing to say. He’d never change. He’d always be grumpy and quick to anger. There was nothing to discuss, she’d just have to live with it.

“I’ve been a real ass lately,” Neil told her gently. She stared at the cuts on his face, wishing she’d hit him deeper, “I want to apologize.” He told her, surprising her a little bit. She crossed her arms, waiting for him to continue. He stayed silent, as if that was somehow enough. She kept her scoff to herself.

“Is that all?” She asked dryly as she lightly dug her nails into her skin. She was bracing for him to backhand her, but he caught her off guard by staying still. She stared for the longest time, sure that he was just testing her.

“There’s something else,” Neil says slowly, “A few months ago, I was unfaithful. I slept with someone else.” He admitted what she had already known. She felt her eyes narrowing.

“Who?” She asked quietly, although she really didn’t care about the phantom woman. Part of her had hoped that she would return and whisk Neil off so Rosemary could live with Billy on her own.

“I don’t know,” Neil answers quickly and Rosemary can tell by the look on his features that he’s being honest, “Her name was Susan. She’s married too and has a kid Billy’s age. That’s all I know.” He told her honestly, taking a step forward to gently cup her shoulders. She winced, not expecting him to touch her so gently.

“What do you want me to do about it?” She asked him harshly, making sure to keep herself at a safe distance from him. She knew he wanted her to forgive him, but she wasn’t sure she could do it so easily. Especially after how he’d treated Billy.

“I want to make things right.” He looked down at her, trying to give her a reassuring look. She looked away from him, not liking how it seemed like he was trying to pressure her into making a decision.

“You’re a bastard,” She say at last as the fury fills her, “I don’t give a fuck where you’ve put your dick. I do, however, care about how you treat me and more importantly how you treat our son.” She pushes his hands away from her roughly, enough to make him stumble back a few steps. Neil looks towards her surprised.

“I’m sorry.” He says earnestly, tilting his head as he looks at her pitifully. She feels her nose wiggle up in protest as it takes everything in her to keep from throwing her fists at him.

“You hit him,” She says angrily, “Just because your dad hit you doesn’t give you the right to do the same to him.” She snaps at him, knowing she hit a sore spot by the way his features fall. She doesn’t care. She thinks Neil needs to think about that more. To realize who he’s becoming.

“I’m trying,” He said urgently, “I just don’t always know how to control my anger. You don’t know what he did to me.” He tries to explain, as if that was a reason for taking his anger out on her and Billy.

“Let me be really blunt,” She told him slowly, “I don’t care what your father did to you. Whatever he did, that’s in the past. I didn’t do it to you and Billy sure as hell didn’t do it either. You won’t touch him like that again.” She warned him, keeping her tone as serious and stern as she could manage. She held on fist behind her back, afraid that he would notice just how badly she was shaking.

The next few weeks are a little better. It takes some time for Rosemary and Billy to warm up to Neil again, but Neil makes it surprisingly easy. He’s kinder than usual, softer. He always brings Rosemary flowers and Billy new cars and trucks.

“Do you wanna try some?” Neil offers him, holding the coffee cup out as he notices Billy’s curious eyes. Billy glances towards Rosemary before he looks towards Neil again.

“It hot?” He asks as he tilts his head. He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table as he tries to get a better look at the liquid in the mug. Rosemary feels her eyebrows raising on her forehead, unsure if caffeine is the best thing for Billy.

Neil blows on it for a minute, “All better now,” He holds the coffee cup gently, letting Billy tilt it towards his lips. Billy’s eyes widened as the bitter liquid hit his mouth, his eyes squinting shut as disgusted wiped across his features, “What do you think?” Neil laughed, watching as Billy quickly sat down.

“Mhm,” Billy nodded his head, one of his eyes still twitching as he neatly clasped his hands together on the table. He gulped harshly, his whole-body shivering for a moment, “Tasty.” He spit out, his eyebrows knitted together. Rosemary laughed, watching as he rubbed his tongue across his teeth.

“Do you want some more?” Neil teased him, watching the way Billy’s blue eyes widened. Rosemary found herself giggling as Neil pushed the cup back towards Billy and Billy covered his hand over his lips.

“No, no,” Billy held another hand up, “I okay.” He shakes his head as he dismisses Neil completely. Rosemary and Neil both laugh this time.

/////////////////////////

Neil is gripping her waist, pulling her closer as his lips linger against her neck. He’s just about to fully kiss her skin when banging on the door sends them both jumping. It takes everything inside of Rosemary to keep from laughing.

“Billy!” Neil shouts loudly, though he has a hint of a smile on his lips, “Go to bed.” He says quickly, still holding a determined look in his eyes. The knocking doesn’t seize, rather it grows louder.

“No!” Billy protests from beyond the door, “I want my mommy!” He shouts loudly, sounding furious. Rosemary bites her lip, sending Neil a sheepish smile. Billy doesn’t usually behave this way, so she’s sure that he noticed the rushed way she tried to lay him down.

“It won’t take me long to put him back to bed,” She tells Neil quickly as she adjusts her robe around herself again. She ties it tightly before she opens the door and is immediately greeted by Billy flinging himself at her legs. She laughs as she bends over, picking up the chunky toddler and giving him a big kiss against his cheek.

“You’re too old for this, boy.” Neil tells him blankly, looking less than amused by the whole situation. Billy’s eyebrows knit tightly together in frustration as he absorbs Neil’s statement.

“I no old!” Billy protests, looking towards Rosemary in disbelief, “I baby!” Billy motions towards himself, his jaw going slack like he can’t believe what Neil just said. Rosemary just giggles as she kisses Billy’s cheek repeatedly, wondering why he’d grown so sassy all of a sudden.

“You’re not a baby.” Neil grumbles out as he sits down on the edge of the bed. Rosemary makes a face at him, trying not to roll her eyes. She’s surprised that Neil doesn’t look angry, he looks more amused than anything. Billy’s blue eyes are wide as he glances towards Rosemary in horror, his lips parted wide.

“I-” Rosemary quickly covers Billy’s mouth with her palm before the two of them continue to argue. Billy mumbles against her hand, his little feet kicking as he continues to defend himself. She laughs as she turns his face towards her and gently shakes her head, letting him know that it’ll be alright.

“He’s four,” Rosemary says gently when she finally releases her hand from Billy’s mouth, “I’ll be back in just a minute.” She rubs Billy’s back, smiling as he rests his soft cheek against her shoulder. He snuggles up to her, his body warming hers as she takes him back down the hallway.

She gently laid Billy back into his bed, watching the way that he sprawled out on his light blue sheets. He wiggled around for a moment, trying to get comfortable as he stared up at her with soft eyes. She thought that they looked more like hers than Neil’s. She bent over to kiss his forehead, smiling while he giggled as her hair cascaded around him.

“Better?” She asks as she tucks him into his bed. He looks up at her with wide blue eyes, smiling brightly as he nods his little head. She holds her fingers against his, wishing she could keep him this tiny forever. Neil had cruelly reminded her that her boy was growing far faster than what she was ready for.

“Yeah,” He says softly as he pulls a teddy bear to his chest, “You stay?” He asked softly, tilting his head as he waited for her to answer. She felt her lips curling into a smile as she continued to smooth the blankets over his chest.

“Sunshine,” She draws out slowly, “I need to go to bed too. I’ll see you in the morning.” She promises him as she looks up to meet his eyes again. He has a little pout on his lips, like he hadn’t expected her to say that. The look sends a shot of guilt through her chest.

“Promise?” He asks her gently, his eyes looking even softer as he speaks. She nods her head, although she has an urge to crawl into his bed and spend the night in here instead.

“I promise,” She genuinely tells him, “First thing in the morning.” He nods his head slowly at her words as he sinks back down against his pillow, pulling the blankets up over his arms. She kisses his soft cheek gently as she brushes the blonde curls from his forehead. She lingers for just a moment, feeling like she’ll miss him just as much as he misses her.

She hums softly to him, singing the same song to him every night, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” She sings softly as she brushes the blonde curls off of his forehead, “You make me happy, when skies are gray.” She brushes her fingertips gently down his forehead, then down the side of his cheeks.

His eyelids slowly begin to droop as he watches her, and he adjusts in a way that pulls his teddy bear closer to his chest. She smiles as he leans against her touch, obviously enjoying the simple designs that she’s drawing into his soft skin.

“You’ll never know dear, how much I love you,” She sings softer, watching the way his eyelashes are beginning to flutter shut, “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” She continues on for another verse, only stopping once she’s ensured that his eyes are shut tightly. His soft breathing fills the room, and he adjusts a little bit, his little fingers curled into fists as he raises one next to his head. She smiles, watching the way he stretches out as he relaxes against the mattress.

She watches him for another moment, wondering how many more nights she’d have where she’d sing to him and tuck him into bed. She brushed her fingertips against his blue comforter, hoping that they’d have a long time to continue to do this. She didn’t want him to grow up. She wanted to keep him in this safe little bubble, far out of reach from harm. She feared there would come a day where he’d no longer come to her.

She takes another minute before she’s leaning down to press another kiss against his forehead. He doesn’t stir this time and she hopes that he has the best dream tonight. She stands quietly and reaches to shut the lamp off before she leaves the room again. She takes her time to walk back to her own room, partially hoping that Neil will be too out of it to continue anything.

“Well?” She looks up as she gently presses the door shut behind her. Neil is still resting on the bed, looking rather eager as he awaits her response. She feels her lips tugging up into a soft smile.

“He’s asleep.” She confirms, watching as Neil tugs her onto the bed. A laugh begins to form in her chest as she realizes how natural this feels. She feels like she can believe Neil, that he truly has changed for the better. She loosens her robe, letting it fall from her skin and onto the floor.

“Where were we?” He’s barely got his lips pressed against hers before the door is flying open. Rosemary quickly covers herself with the blankets before she’s tugging on Neil’s discarded shirt. Billy struts in, looking unbothered as he clutches his teddy to his chest. He keeps quiet as he grips the edge of the mattress and roughly tugs himself up. He continues to stay silent as he crawls up towards them, situating himself between Neil and Rosemary.

“Boy,” Neil looks over at Billy in exasperation, “What are you doing?” His eyebrows are high, looking fully exhausted at the thought of Billy lingering by them through the night. Rosemary isn’t sure why Billy is so determined to sleep in here tonight, but she thinks it’s cuter than anything else. She doesn't think she's missing out on anything with Neil. She was sure she was broken, as she had yet to experience why sex was so pleasurable.

“Sleeping.” Billy answers simply as he wiggles his way underneath the blankets. He exhales deeply as he stretches his little legs out and rests his arms behind his head. He looks tired, like he could pass out any second. Rosemary feels her own smile growing as she notices him trying to stifle his own giggles as he shuts his eyes.

“Honey,” Rosemary looks at him a little confused, knowing that he doesn’t usually try to sleep in the same bed with them, “Why don’t you want to lay in your own bed?” She asks him seriously, wondering if there was something that had been scaring him.

“‘Cause.” Billy says, wiggling his way onto his side so he’s gripping a hold of her arm. He rubs his cold nose across her skin, earning a smile from her lips. She grins as she leans down to kiss his mop of blonde hair and she deeply inhales the scent of him before she’s leaning up again. Neil is watching her, looking rather disappointed in her.

“It’s just one night,” Rosemary says gently, hoping that it won’t upset Neil, “It won’t be that bad.” She nods her head to try and reassure Neil. He’s not much for cuddling anyways but hopes that he really won’t mind Billy sleeping in their bed with them. It could be the last time he ever does so.

“Fine,” Neil says at last, exhaling through his nose, “But you kick me and you’re sleeping on the floor with the monster.” Neil says slowly, full of dramatics as he leans over Billy’s smaller frame. Billy’s eyes suddenly snap open again.

“Huh?” Billy’s blue eyes are wide as he stares up at Neil, holding onto every word as he listens to Neil’s pretend story. Rosemary already feels herself shaking her head, knowing that this will only make Billy want to sleep in here more often.

“You know,” Neil draws out playfully, “The monster that lives underneath our bed. Careful if you roll over, he might just getcha!” His fingertips descend upon Billy’s ticklish ribs like lightning, making Billy squirm and giggle with hysterics. He begins to kick his little feet as he tries to pry Neil’s fingertips away from him.

“No!” Billy is giggling loudly, his eyes clenched shut as his mouth is parted wide in joy, “No, daddy, no!” He continues to shriek out, still giggling as he wiggles across the bed. Rosemary grins as she rests her hand against the palm, thinking that it had been a long time since Billy had called Neil daddy.

Their washing machine had died about a week ago, making Rosemary making haste trips to the laundromat. Neil had gotten off from work early and picked up Billy instead, leaving Rosemary more time in the afternoon to run a few more errands. She didn’t mind taking Billy into the grocery store, but he often wandered off to speak to strangers. He was sociable, that was for sure.

She placed her bags of groceries on top of the neatly folded clothes before she carried it all in at once, her fingertips burning from the rushed motions. She hastily dropped it on the floor of the kitchen before she looked over, noticing the giant grin on Billy’s lips. He was wearing his much too large backpack and had an oversized cap on that had once been Neil’s.

“Well, you look cute,” She smiles as she bends down to kiss Billy’s temple, removing the hat in the process, “Where are you going?” She asks him curiously, noticing how his shoes were tied. He swayed back and forth, looking quite pleased as he spoke.

“Nana’s!” He answers in glee, his smile bright as he spoke. Rosemary felt her eyebrows rising on her forehead and she glanced towards the clock, just to make sure that she had the time right.

“You can’t go to nana’s,” She tells him softly, “It’s nighttime.” She doesn’t want to upset him, but she knew they didn’t have enough time to visit and then return home. He’d have to wait until tomorrow. Neil steps into the room suddenly, smiling brightly.

“You wanted to spend the night,” Neil tells him softly, “Didn’t you son?” He nudges Billy softly, letting his hand rest against the top of Billy’s hat. Billy nods his head quickly, almost knocking the large hat off in the process.

“Yeah!” Billy’s grin is still bright, “Spend the night!” He repeats loudly, holding his fists up in the air like it’s the best idea he’s heard of in a while. Rosemary feels her eyes widen, a little worried as he’s never spent a night away from her before.

“Billy,” Rosemary says softly, “Do you know what that means?” She asks him seriously, feeling like he had no idea that it meant actually spending the night. Neil had definitely ensured that Billy was now sleeping with them, as Billy was now convinced that there was a toe eating monster underneath his bed. Billy glanced up towards Neil, looking up to his father for support.

“I eat her food, play with her toys, and give her hugs!” He responds proudly as Neil nods his head towards him. Billy is still swaying, his little feet beginning to bounce in excitement. Neil presses down on the top of his head gently to stop him.

“See,” Neil smiles towards her, “He’ll be fine. It’s for one night.” He says, looking more excited than Billy does. She lingers on her knees, looking forward at Billy with an uncertain look in her eyes. He’d spent an afternoon or two alone with his grandma, but never an entire night. She trusted his grandma, but she feared that something would happen that was out of their control.

“That’s a far drive,” She reminds Neil, feeling a little worried, “What if he changes his mind?” She asks softly, afraid that she’ll upset Neil again. She doesn’t want to be the reason that everything goes back to the way it was. Neil watches her slowly before his lips part up into a smile.

“He won’t.”

It’s midnight when Rosemary is pulled from her bed by the ringing of the phone. She groans, tugging the sheet off with her as she wraps it around her waist and stumbles out into the dark hallway. She gapes, nearly falling over in pain as her pinky toe slams against the corner of the couch. She winces, limping her way towards the phone. She barely pulls it up to her ear before Billy’s voice fills the other side.

“Mama,” Billy sobs on the other end of the phone, “Where are you?” She listens as he sniffles and blubbers and she knew she had been correct in her concerns earlier. Billy wasn’t ready to be away from her.

“I’m at home baby,” She coos gently, “What’s wrong?” She asks, feeling a little more worried as she grips the phone to her ear. She fears that something bad has happened. She doesn’t even question how he knew what number to call.

“You’re not here,” He says pitifully, making her heart crack a little bit at his tone, “I miss you.” He’s crying again, sounding like it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened. She feels her lips tugging into a soft smile, thinking about how lucky she is to have a little boy who loves her so much.

“Do you want me to come and get you?” She asks, even though she already knows the answer to that question. She glances over her shoulder, ensuring that Neil’s snores are still filling the room.

“Yes,” He says quickly without even thinking about it, “Please.” He adds softly at the end, sounding like he’s about to break down into sobs again. There’s a bit of sniffling before she hears the phone being passed again.

“I’m sorry, Rosemary,” Edith’s voice fills the other line, “I tried to get him to calm down but nothing’s working.” Rosemary feels bad suddenly, knowing that Edith had been going through a lot the past year. She hopes that Billy hadn’t stressed her out too much.

“It’s fine,” Rosemary answers quickly, “I’ll be there in a little bit to get him.” She tells her quickly, hoping that Billy knows that this wasn’t her idea. She would’ve never let him go along had Neil not already formulated the plan without her. She hangs up quickly before she’s throwing on a random pair of pants and a shirt. She grabs the keys, saying nothing to Neil before she leaves. She already knows that he would’ve only told her to let Billy toughen it out.

The drive is about forty-five minutes, but she arrives in thirty after speeding through the non-busy streets. There was something relaxing about driving at this time of night, where no one else was around and you could hear the ocean over the sound of the wind blowing through the open windows.

“I’m sorry,” She apologizes again once she’s finally there. Billy is in her arms in a second, sobbing and whimpering as she lifts him into the air. She rocks him back and forth as Edith brings his backpack towards her, “I tried to tell Neil.”

“He wasn’t too bad for the most part,” Edith admits with a gentle smile. Neil has her eyes, only hers aren’t as intense and cold. Rosemary can clearly see that she’s only been doing worse by the bags underneath her eyes and the obvious way she’s lost more weight, “He had an accident. I think that’s what caused everything.” Rosemary furrows her eyebrows together, knowing it’s been a long time since Billy had peed the bed.

“Do you need me to wash anything?” Rosemary questions seriously, feeling bad that Edith may have to clean up the sheets on her own. Edith quickly shook her head as she took a step forward to place a kiss on Billy’s cheek.

“No, it’s fine,” Edith reassures her, “Do you need to stay here? I hate to have you driving when it’s this late at night.” Rosemary shakes her head gently. Edith was nice, but her house always smelt old and bitter. Like something had been rotting away.

“It’ll be fine,” Rosemary nods her head as Billy shuffles closer to her, whining as he clearly wants to leave too, “I’m sorry again. I’ll call you in the morning.” She promises, using a free hand to grip Billy’s backpack. She bites her lip, hoping that she won’t have to deal with a cranky toddler the rest of the way home.

“Don’t do that,” He tells her quickly once she’s got him situated in the car, “No leave again.” He demands of her, his eyes glossy again. She feels a part of her heart breaking again and feels like she may cry from his words. She doesn’t want him upset with her.

“Oh, sunshine,” She pulls him onto her lap again, swaying him back and forth, “I won’t leave you ever again. I promise.”

1972

Neil slowly grew back into the monster that she had known him to be. It was exhausting, watching the way his moods would switch back and forth so easily. He grew rougher with Billy, which meant that she fought back a little harder. Each time she was more sore, more beaten down as she tried to remember why she was doing this.

She grew even more bitter once she realized that he was seeing someone again. She didn’t know who, only that he came home reeking of her perfume and with a goofy expression on his lips. She wanted to beat it off, to beat all of the happiness out of him. She never said anything. He was always better on those nights, and it was clear to her what he meant. He was happier without her and Billy.

“I don’t want to,” Rosemary shrugged Neil’s arm off of her shoulders, “Seriously, stop.” Neil gripped her jawline harshly, his fingertips digging into her bone as he yanked her towards him. She finds herself whimpering, the unknown sound filling the room.

“You’re my wife,” He reminded her furiously as spit flew while he spoke, “It’s your duty so you can do it, or I’ll do it for you.” He tells her harshly as he keeps a tight grip on her face. She feels her eyes widening before she quickly nods her head.

“I’m sorry,” She felt her eyes widening as she blinked away tears, understanding the implications if she didn’t agree, “You’re right.” She tells him slowly, gently moving her hands to brush his fingers away. She feels like she’s losing her mind as she strips herself down, like she’s weak as she gives him to his demands.

Neil no longer brings her flowers or greets her with kisses when he returns from work. However, she’s still expected to make him dinner and giving into whatever he wants at nighttime. She feels like she’s experiencing whiplash with how quickly he changes moods.

“Let go!” She’s begging, tears pouring from the corner of her eyes from how tightly Neil has her arm pinned behind her back, “Please, please stop!” She whimpers a little louder, feeling like he’s going to rip her arm completely off as he pushes her face up against the mirror again.

She wasn’t sure what she did, only that she was attacked first thing when she entered the room. He slammed her face up against the mirror first, sending glass flying and poking into her skin. She clenched her eyes together tightly, fearing that a piece of glass may press into her eyes.

“Why do you have to embarrass me like that, Mary, why?” He demanded hotly against her neck. He was the only one who ever called her Mary and she hated it. She hated how she was sobbing and begging and unable to fight back.

“I don’t know,” She said between thick tears. He grasped her harder, lifting her up further so her toes were dragging against the floor, “I’m sorry!” She screamed out, almost hoping that he would just kill her and get it over with.

“You won’t disobey me again, will you?” He spoke as if she was a dog, forever chained to be loyal to him. She cried out again as he pulled her hand further up her back, “Answer me!”

“Won’t do it again!” She cried out, her chest heaving with sobs, “Please, I promise. I’ll be good.” She didn’t feel like his wife. She felt far below that, like she was an object for him to dress up and play with.

He finally released her, letting her collapse onto the ground as she nursed her sore arm to her chest. She whimpered, panicking until she was finally able to move her fingers again.

“Clean up your fucking mess,” Neil speaks up as he kicks a piece of glass towards her, “You look terrible.”

///////////

“Did you hear what happened at the laundromat last night?” She jumps suddenly, looking up from the dry shirt she was currently folding into her basket. The man next to her smiles a bit bashful as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Huh?” Rosemary met his gaze as she furrowed her eyebrows together. He looks a few years older, a little shaggy and unkempt as he looks at her with warm brown eyes, “Oh, no I didn’t.” She says confused, thinking that she must’ve missed it in the newspaper.

“Three clothespins held up two shirts,” He grinned at her, watching the awkward way she cracked a grin, “Sorry. My daughter thinks I’m hilarious.” He brushed it off as his cheeks began to burn a pink shade. Rosemary bit her bottom lip, feeling a little flattered.

“I’m sure she’s right,” Her flirty tone takes her by surprise, although she can’t deny that this man is attractive. He seems to be the complete opposite from Neil. He looks untidy and has bags underneath his eyes, but his lanky posture is inviting and shy at the same time, “She’s got a very handsome daddy.”

She’s not sure how it happened, or who made the first move. But before she knows it, she’s undressing and letting this dorky man take her in Neil’s backseat. It’s nothing similar to the way Neil treats her. He’s kind and loving, he makes her laugh even when he’s slightly awkward at first. She just wanted to forget Neil but found herself craving the other man in a way she didn't expect. She didn't know that sex could feel this good, could make her toes curl and her mind fuzzy with stars.

She expected to feel guilty after what had happened, but she didn’t. She felt freed. She felt like she had control of her body again because he never expected her to do anything special. He was soft and sweet, everything that Neil wasn’t. Neil just forces her onto her back and thinks of his own pleasure, not even caring if she reaches her peak. The other man held her in way that made her body ache in a good way. She wanted more of it, even though he knew she would never get there again. She never mentions it to Neil, never brings it up. She knows if she does what her fate will be. Neil can sleep with whomever he pleases, but Rosemary isn’t allowed to.

Sam. His name is Sam, and she spends the next few weeks thinking about him. She doesn’t bother to ask about his family, because she knows she’ll never see him again. Although she does picture him coming to whisk her and Billy off. She thinks that Billy would like to have a sibling.

Neil is still rough with her, demands her body every night and she’s too afraid to deny him what he thinks is his right. She begins to hate herself because of it. She used to fight back, but she doesn't have the strength in herself to do so anymore. Every time she does, he just punishes her worse and worse.

It’s in early October when Rosemary realizes that her period is late. She isn’t sure how she feels about the prospect of being pregnant, so she keeps it to herself for some time. She really doesn’t know how Neil will react either. It scares her.

“Billy,” Rosemary bends over to his level and gently pulls his hands in hers. He gives her a big, goofy smile as he waits for her words, “How do you feel about having a baby brother or sister?” She asks him, watching as he brings his tiny surfboard back up to the shore. He was getting really talented, riding the tiny little waves that came through. Rosemary no longer had to sit out in the water with him.

“A baby?” He looks at her curiously as he tilts his head, looking like he’s unsure about the idea. Rosemary grins, understanding how different this must feel for him. It had just been the two of them for so long.

“You’d still be my baby too,” She quickly reassures him as she brings him onto her lap, “You’d have someone to play with.” She adds at the end as she rocks him back and forth. Billy’s eyes suddenly light up.

“Oh!” He exclaims in surprise, “Lots of them!” He says in agreement. She laughs at his exclamation, feeling like he really would be a good older brother. His teachers always said he got along so good with the other kids in his classes.

“Well, I don’t know about that,” She grins as she kisses the top of his head, “Let’s start with one for now, okay?” She asks him softly as she rocks him back and forth. She breathes in deeply, feeling a bit worried for what might happen to this new baby.

“Okay,” He responded as he leaned his cheek against her shoulder, sounding disappointed, “Just one.” He says as he picks her hand up and begins to trace the lines on the back of her palm. She rests her chin on top of her head, knowing that since his reaction was good it meant that Neil’s would be the opposite.

“I thought we didn’t want anymore just yet?” Neil's question was harsh later that night as Rosemary delivered the news. She paused as she held her fingertips together, feeling like she needed to grip onto something to keep from falling down from how badly she was shaking.

“Well,” Rosemary shifted her weight off of her left foot, “Things happen I guess.” She said slowly, making sure that her tone was soft and flowy. She didn’t want him to think that she was snapping at him. She didn’t want to make this situation worse.

“Get rid of it.” He said like it’s a simple manner. She blinks at him, unsure if she’s hearing his words right. They’re stuck, he must surely know that they’re stuck in this situation.

“What would you have me do?” She asked him seriously as she felt her fingertips press into fists. She watched him like a hawk, waiting for him to lash out towards her. She inhaled deeply, watching how his eyes turned cold. They looked like they were full of hatred.

“There’s someone that Paul knows,” He says slowly as he shifts to face her more on the bed, “It costs some money but they do a good job.” She felt unable to swallow suddenly, like she had a giant rock lodged in the back of her throat. She blinked at him as she thought about AnneMarie for the longest time. She thought of the other woman she’d heard about who had turned out worse because of it.

“I’m not doing that,” She said softly as Neil’s harsh gaze locked in on her again, “It’s dangerous. If I die, I’ll lose Billy. We wanted another kid someday, what’s bad about now?” She’d heard little snippets of abortion being moved into the Supreme Court, but nothing was legal yet. She didn’t trust her life in someone else’s hands, not when they didn’t have a proper way to do it.

“You’ve been whoring around.” He says, brushing off her statements as he finishes dressing himself for bed. She keeps her sigh to herself as she watches him. He’d accused her of being unfaithful for a long time, right around when he first started hitting her. She figured that he did so because he felt guilty for sleeping with other women. As usual, it was just easier to blame her.

“What?” Rosemary felt her eyebrows knitting together, “Neil, you’re the only one I’ve had sex with. Ever.” She’s lying, but there’s no way he could know. She had never seen that man again and had never spoken him into existence.

“I didn’t knock you up.” He dismisses her as he begins to pull the blankets down from the head of the bed. She stares at him, feeling all of the calmness leave her body.

“Are you being serious?” She asked him sternly, “You’re on top of me just about every night. You’re being crazy.” She tells him pointedly, feeling like he was trying to make her think she was losing her mind. Neil turns quickly and he’s hitting her, punching her in the nose before she can muster anything else to say.

It’s bad this time. Worse than when he’d left for a few days. Her head rings and spins, her body aches as she tries to crawl to the phone. She’s too weak to even do that. She assumes Neil calls Edith, because Rosemary was unable to even pull herself towards the phone.

Edith takes her to the hospital and Rosemary is too out of it to even notice where they’re going at first. Her mind still feels fuzzy, like her thoughts aren't’ fully there. She blinks a few times, trying to clear her mind as she’s rushed back right away. She figures that she must look terrible.

“I didn’t fall,” Rosemary protested after the doctor was done speaking to her, “I was-,” She begins to speak, to explain her story. She hopes Neil gets punished, that he gets locked up and she’s free from his grasp. Edith speaks over her.

“Doing much more than she should’ve been,” Edith nodded her head, “Honey, you’re pregnant. You need to take care of yourself.” She squeezes at Rosemary’s arm, but it’s tight and her nails dig into her skin. Rosemary stares up at her, feeling horrified as she realizes Edith isn’t doing this for her sake. She feels alone again, understanding that when she dies it’ll be because of Neil.

1973

“It’s scary.” Billy protested as he glanced up towards Rosemary. She felt like he had grown into a six year old overnight. He still looked handsome with his mass of blonde curls and big, bright blue eyes. She felt guilty the more she looked at him, because he was sporting a matching bruise on his cheekbone too.

“It’s not scary,” She laughed as she held his hand, “It’s a horse. Horses are so fun, look!” She told him as she reached out her free hand to rub at the horse's face. Billy lingered a little closer, his cheek brushing against her arm as he watched. She grinned as the horse flicked his tongue out and licked her.

“Yucky,” Billy made a face, his little nose curling up in disgust. She shook her head, wishing she’d brought him out to do this sooner. She didn’t want him to be afraid of animals. She loved animals, she wanted him to have that same love.

“Come on,” She nudges him softly, “I used to love doing this when I was little.” She holds out their locked hands slowly, letting the horse come to them first. Billy’s eyes are wide but eventually soften as he pets at the horse.

“Really?” He looks at her curiously and she realizes she may have never mentioned it before. Perhaps that had to do with her parents. She didn’t want him knowing about them in hopes that it wouldn’t make him feel guilty for what had happened. None of this had been his fault.

“Really,” She nods her head, “It’s fun, I promise you.” She tells him honestly, watching the way he’s already seemed to grow interested in the animal in front of them. She takes pictures once he’s finally up on the horse. He smiles gleefully, giggling as the horse takes him around and around the fenced area.

She was hoping this might help him. She’d noticed a change in his attitude and she was sure it had to do with Neil. Neil seemed to lash out on him more and more, blame him for things out of his control. Rosemary fought back when she could but the majority of the time she’d end up on the floor, trying to remember what had happened. Neil’s lashes kept getting rougher with her and she feared he’d hurt the baby.

Billy had gotten in trouble at school recently and she knew it wasn’t really his fault, but she wanted to remind him that he was still gentle and soft. He wasn’t Neil, not even if he had hit one of classmates. Hitting was the only way he knew how to express himself, because it was the only way that Neil expressed himself.

“Can we do that again?” Billy asked eagerly once they were finished. He tugged on her hand, doing the same motions he used to do when he was little. She grinned as she leaned forward to kiss the top of his head.

“Sure thing, sunshine,” She swept her fingers through his messy hair as she wished time would slow down for them, “We can do whatever you want.” She promises him, hoping that he doesn’t think that she’ll have less time for him once the baby arrives.

She was fairly certain she was having another boy. She was carrying the same way, had the same cravings and same ticks as she did when she was pregnant with Billy. Neil still tried to dismiss her, no matter how badly she tried to convince him. She eventually gave up, figuring he’d accept the answer once the baby was born and looked similar to Billy.

“Like this?” Billy asked curiously, holding the large screwdriver in his hands as he tried to maneuver it. She grinned, tipping the end of it back a bit so it would be better balanced in his hand. His eyebrows knitted together as he worked in concentration, screwing the nail into the wooden boards.

“Just like that,” She told him, appreciating that she had a little helper. She did the harder work while she let him do the easier things, such as decide where the pillows should go and what color the room should be. They decided on yellow, “Do you want a little brother or sister?” She asked after they had finished. They were both on the floor, their legs crossed as they shared a sandwich and a bag of chips.

“A brother,” He answered finally with a look of determination on his features, “Then we can play.” He said a little softer, looking excited at the prospect. She turned towards him, wondering if Neil had been talking bad about women again.

“You can play with a little sister too,” She told him softly, “I used to play with all of the little boys when I grew up.” She told him truthfully. Billy tilted his head as he listened to her, looking like he didn’t expect her answer.

“Oh,” Billy said softly, more interest filling his eyes, “Then both.” He nodded his head, like it was the final word. She pressed her lips into a smile as she ruffled his hair again. He giggled as he wiggled against her.

“Both?” She laughed, “I don’t know about that. Do you like any names?” She asked him instead. She hadn’t thought about it too much if she was being honest.

“Edith,” He said quickly, “Like nana.” Rosemary smiled warmly, watching the way he poked and prodded curiously at her tummy. She jolted a little bit as his fingers pressed a little too close to her ribs.

“Nana does have a pretty name,” She confirmed gently. Although she wasn’t sure she liked that name anymore. Edith and her no longer got along much since the night she’d taken her to the emergency room, “What about for a boy?” She asked instead, hoping he didn’t say Neil.

“Russell,” He said simply after some thought, “I just like it.” He said with a goofy grin. She pushed her fingers through his hair again.

“Russell and Edith,” She nodded her head, thinking that they were better than any of the names she’d come up with, “I like those.” She told him honestly.

Neil was still in denial, offering absolutely no help for her pregnancy. She was upset at first, until she realized it was no different than the first time around. At least this time, she could see right through him.

Her hands shook as she looked over the documents in front of her again. Her handwriting was already written there neatly and now she just needed Neil to agree to it as well. She thought there was no hope in pretending that they could make things better. The further in her pregnancy she grew, the more violent Neil got with Billy. She wouldn’t let him put his hands on Billy again. She couldn’t.

“Go play,” She told Billy gently after dinner, ruffling his hair gently as she took a deep breath and stood. It was getting harder and harder to get around, but she figured it wouldn’t be so bad once the baby was born, “I’ll come in to tuck you in for bed.” She reminded him quickly, noticing the worried expression in his wide blue eyes. He was a social child. Always wanting to be around someone.

“Just hurry.” He whispered softly so only Rosemary could hear him. She sent him a playful wink, praying that this wouldn’t take long. He glanced over his shoulder, walking carefully past Neil to not disturb him before he bounded into his room.

“No running, boy,” Neil snapped, still catching Billy’s movements from the corner of his eye, “And leave the fucking door open.” He cautioned as if he could see Billy gripping the doorknob from the back of his head. Billy made a face as he released it, before he fully entered his room.

“Neil,” Rosemary held the paper in her hands, feeling more nervous than usual as she approached him. She shifted the weight off of one foot as she drew in a deep breath, trying to get her words forward as quickly as she could, “We can’t keep doing this, pretending like everything is going to be okay. I’ve saved up some money and signed a lease to an apartment and I think it’s best we go our separate ways.” She spoke slow and steady, ensuring that he took in every word as she passed the documents to him.

She’d spent the past month slowly moving things over to the apartment. She started lightly, ensuring that Neil wouldn’t notice what she was doing. She started with a few articles of her clothes, of Billy’s and then of the baby’s. She had already stocked the pantry. She’d be set for at least a little bit.

He didn’t look surprised as he took the papers from her. His eyes had a blank look to them, his expression calm as he slowly read through them. Rosemary stood there, holding her breath as he read through each page. He licked his finger, flipping to the last page that awaited his signature.

“What about my kid?” Neil asked her, sounding a little dry. She shifted her weight, feeling like he was reacting more calmly than what she had expected. She didn’t miss how he was only referring to Billy.

“I’m assuming dual custody,” She said softly, though she had plans to get them far away from him. She thought about taking them back to Louisiana, thinking that Billy would like all of the farm animals. They could move further to the south, so they’d still be near the beach, “We can work it out in the court system.”

“You don’t have a job.” Neil pointed out towards her. She bit her bottom lip, knowing that he would bring that up in a way to shame her.

“I’ve been cooking a lot, selling that stuff. I still babysit the neighbors kids when I get a chance,” She explained slowly, “I got a job down at one of the diners. It’ll work for now.” He snorted, like her job was funny. She felt her lips forming into a frown but quickly relaxed her features. She reminded herself it wasn’t that big of a deal, she’d be out with Billy soon enough.

“And if they give you nothing?” Neil tilted his head, looking at her seriously. She felt her eyebrows knitting together, feeling like it was very unlikely that she got nothing out of this.

“Now why would they do that?” She asked him seriously, feeling like it was ridiculous. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She couldn’t see the courts keeping her away from her sons.

“You’re jobless, I’m sure your apartment is a piece of shit,” Neil started to list off different reasons, “Why would the court side with you?” She fought the urge to remind him that she did have a job. She stayed quiet for a moment.

“Because I don’t beat my son and wife,” She said pointedly, feeling the anger flaring up inside of her, “And I’ll be damned if you think you’d get away with that.” She told him honestly, knowing she’d fight tooth and nail to make sure their kids remained with her.

He hit her, the same way he’d hit her for years now. Only this time he didn’t stop. Billy had tried to intervene at some point, but her mind had felt too hazy to fully comprehend what was happening. Neil had kicked her after that; still screaming and cursing as she tried to push herself up off of the floor.

There was blood. Lots of it. Puddling and pooling around her. Her heart thumped lamely in her chest as Billy gently shoved at her shoulder, trying to get her attention. She stared at his wide blue eyes, his nose that was dripping blood too. It took a second for her to notice that he was crying.

“I’m okay,” She said at last, her tongue feeling heavy in her mouth. She tasted metallic as she wiped at her nose, “It’s okay.” She tried to reassure him, although something felt very off. Her heart was beating too fast, her breathing coming out too quickly for her to notice the pain that was shooting up her back.

“You’re hurt,” Billy cried pitifully, drawing her attention to the pool of blood she was resting on. She felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach, “Mama what’s wrong?” His little voice was strained as he held onto her back, assisting as she tried to pull herself up from the floor. She cried out, wincing at the sharp pains that were traveling up her spine.

“I’m gonna go to the hospital,” She said at last, though her words didn’t feel like her own. She breathed in sharply, “I’ll be back in a little bit, okay?” She tried to reassure him as she gripped at her side, wincing from how sore she felt. She didn’t know where Neil had run off to, where he was hiding away at.

“I’ll go with,” He pleaded with her, tugging on her hands as she stood, “Please.” Billy begged, still crying as he clung to her. She breathed in sharply, knowing that it wasn’t good for him to see any of this. He didn’t need to be at the hospital when they cleaned her up and told her what she already knew.

“Billy,” She was panicking as she spoke, “Everything will be okay. Just wait here and I’ll come back.” She told him seriously, her voice coming out a little sharper from how bad everything hurt. It wasn’t fair to Billy, none of this was fair to him. His bottom lip trembled as he stared up at her and she felt her heart cracking a little bit more.

“You promise?” He asked her seriously, his eyes full of fear. She felt terrible as she looked down at her little boy. He looked broken, far too worried than what he should be. She felt a sickening feeling growing inside of her chest as she cupped his small cheek in her hands. She pulled a few tissues from the tissue box, gently dabbing his nose as she remembered to slow down for him. He shouldn’t be panicking.

“I promise,” Everything hurt so badly but she still bent over to kiss the top of his head, “I’ll be back in a few hours, okay? If I don’t see you tonight I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.” She promised him, trying to reassure herself that it would be okay to leave Billy here for a few hours. In the morning she’d pack everything up and they would be gone.

She felt numb the whole trip to the hospital, felt like someone else was in her body as she drove. Her mind was still fuzzy, her body burning when she arrived. She looked like she had crawled out of a horror movie by the time that she stepped in through the building.

She wasn’t sure why she’d crawled out to the hospital. She was sure that her baby was gone, that Neil had taken her baby from her. They took her back right away, and even after everything that had happened, she couldn’t tell them who had done this to her. She merely said that she slipped again but no one dared to press for any information.

Russell had been born a few hours later, smaller than most babies with an even smaller hope of making it. Rosemary knew she couldn’t go back, she couldn’t let Neil sink his claws into someone else. She didn’t know how she was going to get Billy out. She couldn’t arrive with a baby, it would only make everything else so much worse.

She tried anyway. She waited a week, she waited until it no longer hurt to walk and she wasn’t limping around. She didn’t know what to do with Russell at first until one of the elderly neighbors had agreed to watch him. She felt bad at first, but her other son needed her. Billy needed her.

She felt her heart sinking into her stomach when she realized the locks had been changed. The front door and the back door. Once she was sure she couldn’t get in through that way, she examined the windows, but was still too weak to pull herself up into the house.

By the time she’d walked around to the front of the house, Neil was there. She felt angry as she stepped forward, her palm connecting with his face before she could stop herself. The sound rang in the open air, her hand stinging from how harshly she’d hit him. He laughed, shaking it off.

“Where is he?” She demanded, her fists clenched tightly together as she stared up at him. Neil rubbed his cheek, still laughing like she hadn’t hurt him at all. She felt anger flaring inside of her chest, knowing that she could do a lot more to hurt him if she wanted to.

“He wanted to spend the summer with some relatives,” He said vaguely, but Rosemary knew that it meant his mother. He had no one else in his family, “You look awful.” He pointed out, staring at her bruises and swollen skin. She bit her tongue, trying to keep her anger under control before she did something really dumb.

“I wonder why,” She seethed as she moved closer to him, “Give me my boy back.” She demanded again, not caring how badly Neil hit her this time. Billy was all that mattered, nothing else. Neil walked around her, jogging up the steps as she quickly followed from behind. He acted like she didn’t bother him, like she wasn’t even irritating him.

“He’s not yours anymore,” Neil bounced his keys in his hands, looking at her with a smirk, “How long do you think it’ll take for him to forget you?” He asked her curiously, tilting his head as his words struck her right in her heart. She breathed out harshly, her chest feeling heavy as he pointed out the thing that she’d been fearing the past week. She didn’t want Billy to ever forget her.

“He’s mine,” She protested, wincing as he shoved her back harshly. He began to unlock the door, looking at her with a sense of amusement as he slid inside. He tried to grip the door, yelping as he slammed it shut on her fingers. She pulled her hand back, nursing it to her chest. She kicked at the door, feeling frustrated at the way Neil easily dismissed her.

She’d tried Neil’s parents house after that, but they were truly gone for the summer. She huffed in frustration, feeling like her world was slowly falling apart. She’d tried writing letters, even going as far to slide them into Billy’s window. She was sure Neil destroyed every single one. However, she didn’t give up. She kept trying, knowing that the only important thing was to ensure that Billy knew she was trying.

“Let me talk to him,” She spoke on the phone harshly, knowing it was Neil who answered by the way he was breathing, “I need to see him.” She told him desperately, feeling like her world was continuing to chip and fall apart.

“You can come by whenever,” Neil said casually, “He’s off playing right now. I don’t think he wants to speak to you.” Neil said sarcastically. She felt like wrapping the cord from the phone around his neck and strangling him.

“You can’t do this.” She spits out instead, trying to keep herself from breaking down into tears. Her heart hurt so badly, worse than any of Neil’s punches or hits.

“Come home and we can make everything right,” Neil said at last, “We can figure this out together.” He tells her softly, like he wants to really work it out again. She’s horrified by his suggestion.

“You tried to kill me,” Rosemary said, “Billy is mine and if you touch one-” She didn’t get to finish her threat. Neil hung up on her,

She tried the school, but they could no longer offer her assistance. Neil had removed her from everything, gave them clear instructions that she was no longer allowed to see Billy. He made it seem like she had just left, like she had just abandoned him. In some sort of cruel way she really had.

“Edith,” Rosemary spit out as she registered that the phone had answered, “You have to help me-,” She said quickly, hoping that Edith would do this one thing for her.

“Mommy?” Billy’s voice rings on the other end of the line, his voice soft and confused. She thinks that he sounds a little hurt.

“Billy!” Rosemary sighed in relief, “Oh my god, sunshine. I’m so sorry. Are you alone?” She asks worriedly, fearing that Edith will whisk him away too. This was the first time she’d spoken to him in almost a month. She was desperate.

“Nana is sleeping,” Billy answered quickly, “Where are you?” His voice came out small, like he was about to burst into tears. She felt a hammer beginning to chip at her heart, thinking about all she’d put him through. She was terrified Neil was hurting him.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Her bottom lip quivered as she spoke, “I’m doing everything I can to bring you home to me, okay?” She told him honestly. She didn’t know what would happen if she went to Neil directly. She was still waiting for the court to process their divorce.

"Do you promise?" He asked so innocently that it made her heart clench even tighter. She wondered if he had any idea of what had happened between her and Neil. She felt terrible knowing that the last time he'd seen her, she'd been covered in blood. She should've brought him with her, should've exposed everything that Neil had done to them.

"I promise."

“Why did you leave?” Billy’s voice shook on the other end of the line. She took a moment, covering her mouth as the tears fell through. She shook as she cried, knowing she had abandoned Billy.

“I was hurt real bad,” She whimpered out, “But I’m better now and I’m going to bring you home. I’m gonna give you my new number, can you write it down and keep it safe?” She thought about giving him her address but didn’t like the idea of him walking around in this part of town alone.

“Hurry back,” He whined pitifully, making her feel sick all over again, “I miss you.” She felt like falling to the floor, feeling like she’d failed him. She closed her eyes tightly, wishing there was a simple way to fix this.

////////////////////

Russell wasn’t as easy to care for as Billy was. She was sure that he had colic. He would cry for what felt like hours, his little body tense and fists clenched as she tried to soothe him. She blamed Neil for all of it.

She felt like she was busy all the time, between working and trying to care for Russell. At one point she had to admit defeat and she was contacting AnneMarie and asking for a place to stay. She looked different than how Rosemary remembered and she hoped that things would work out better this time around.

Working to get Billy was harder than she thought. She’d gone through three different lawyers who all presented her with the same information; that Neil was better suited to raise Billy. It was driving her crazy, breaking her spirit down little by little.

“But I have a job,” Rosemary cried, “I have a job and an apartment. I know it’s not much but it’s fine. Neil hits him, he beats him. He beat me. Why doesn’t anyone believe that?” She asked, wishing she could find some truth in the matter.

“Do you have proof? Pictures or anything?” Her newest lawyer asked, his bushy eyebrows rising high on his wrinkled forehead. She sat back in her seat, knowing that none of these men cared about her or her son.

“What about hospital records?” She asked hopefully, knowing she had no pictures of her abuse. She could detail it like it was yesterday, though. That had to mean something, but she was unsure as the lawyer shrugged his shoulders as he thought.

“Did you say you were hit?” The lawyer questioned her. She faltered for a moment, feeling like she had done something wrong. Edith had technically spoken over her the first time, or else she would’ve come clean about Neil.

“My mother-in-law made up an excuse,” Rosemary breathed deeply, “That has to mean something.” She asks him quickly as she leaned forward, hoping that it could make Neil get into even more trouble.

“We can work with it,” He nodded his head as he looked over the papers again. She suddenly felt like she was back in the principal’s office, begging for a chance to finish school, “Is there anything else?” He asked curiously. She thought for a moment.

“When I gave birth to my second son, prematurely,” She begins to explain, “It was because he tried to kill me. The hospital should have records of that.” She nodded her head. She hadn’t explained what had really happened there either, but she thought that there was more than enough proof that she hadn’t been shoved.

“Your youngest is alive, right?” The lawyer asked and she quickly nodded her head in return, “We could use that as proof too if the baby had any injuries.” She knitted her eyebrows together as realization settled over her.

“Oh,” She stops for a moment, “I don’t want Neil to know about him. I don’t want him to get a hold of him.” She said quickly, fearing what would happen. Part of her tried not to worry about it, thinking that Neil may try to deny that the baby was his. Then again, he was too prideful to admit to anyone else that they weren’t a perfect family.

“How do we explain why you were at the hospital?” The lawyer asked dryly, looking at her like she was stupid. She gulped hard.

“You can’t lie?” She asks him truthfully, “Or just leave that part out? He doesn’t know I had him; he thinks he killed the baby.” She said softly, feeling like her conversation was going nowhere. Her lawyer simply nodded his head, but she felt like the case was already gone again.

She was tired by the time she returned back to AnneMarie’s apartment. She felt like she was failing Billy, that she really was abandoning him and leaving him to face Neil on his own. The thought filled her so heavily with guilt that she thought she may collapse to the ground in a fit of hysterics.

“What did you call him?” Rosemary pauses as she pulls her hair down from her ponytail. She thinks about cleaning her ears out, sure that she heard AnneMarie wrong.

“Charles,” AnneMarie smiled, “That name just suits him so much better.” She gushed out as she bounced Russell in her arms. He made a face before groaning in protest.

“His name is Russell,” Rosemary corrected as she reached for him. Russell immediately held his arms out, but AnneMarie turned in a way that left Rosemary unable to grasp him, “AnneMarie, stop. It’s been a long day.” She snapped, not feeling like playing this game today.

“So go shower and go to bed like you always do,” AnneMarie shook her head as she continued to rock Russell, “Charles and I are gonna stay up for a little bit, aren’t we?” She grinned like it was cute.

“Russell,” Rosemary said through clenched teeth, “And you’re not being funny.” She told AnneMarie seriously, feeling like her patience was running thin.

“Rosemary, you don’t understand,” AnneMarie stepped forward, “You may have given birth to him, but Russell is my baby.” She said dramatically, like it was the most obvious thing.

Rosemary's palm connected with AnneMarie’s cheek before she had the slightest idea of what she was doing. She was just so angry. So angry with Neil and Edith and anyone else who was trying to keep her away from her sons.

AnneMarie’s eyes were wide, her expression stunned as she held her cheek in horror. Rosemary scooped Russell up without another word and packed up the few things that were unpacked.

They stayed in a hotel that night and Rosemary cried again, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to afford another night. She didn’t know what to do now that she didn’t have someone to rely on. She really was all alone this time.

///////////////////

“Neil,” She was begging again as she held her hand out, pleading for something inside of him to emphasize with her. He hadn’t always been this cruel and she was sure it wasn’t too late for either of them, “Let me see Billy. That’s all I ask.” She told him honestly. She just needed one moment with him.

“You’re not supposed to be here.” Neil brushed her off, looking irritated as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He threw his greasy rag down on top of the engine of the car as he turned to face her. She paused for a moment, unsure of how to react to his rigid stance.

“Please,” She found herself breaking down into tears, “I’ll do anything. Just let me see him.” She sobbed out as everything rushed out at once. She missed Billy so much, so desperately.

“Why? You’ll only break his heart,” He told her seriously, “You’re worthless. Where would Billy live? On the streets? Do you even care about him?” He asked her seriously. She cried even harder, knowing that Neil was right. It was dangerous to take Billy, but she had to try something. It terrified her, no longer living in a place where Billy knew the number to.

“Of course, I do,” She was sobbing, hiccupping between large gulps, “I just want to see him. I need to know that he’s alright.” She clasped her hands together, wondering if it would do any good. Neil only stared coldly at her.

“He’s doing fantastic,” Neil answered shortly, “Far better now that you’re gone.” He looked at her pointedly, like she had been the issue the whole time. She wiped at her eyes, sniffling as she was reminded that Billy could very well be forgetting her.

“You hit him,” She told him slowly as her tears rolled down her cheeks. She shook her head, “I can’t leave him with you.” Her voice shook as she spoke. Neil pulled the greasy rag off of the engine before he slammed the hood down on the car. She winced instantaneously, feeling his hand across her cheek even though he hadn’t touched her. She was just used to it, like a trained dog.

“Like I said, things are better now that you’re gone,” Neil started as he stared her down. She felt nervous suddenly, “I don’t touch him like that. Things are like they used to be.” Rosemary stared at him for the longest time, not really believing him. She didn’t know how things could be normal when she was missing.

“Neil,” She looked up at him, feeling her heart shattering inside of her chest, “I just want to see him.” Neil’s blue eyes looked over her features. He leaned in close, bending lower and lower to her. She felt herself inhaling sharply, holding her breath as she waited for whatever Neil was to deliver.

“If he sees you, you’re going to crush him when he realizes you won’t ever come back,” Neil says lowly, whispering sinisterly in her ear, “It’s better off this way. He’s stopped asking about you so you can stop coming by.” He told her, sounding serious. She watched as he slowly pulled away and her mind and heart began to spiral as her lips trembled.

Before she would’ve fought him, would’ve kicked and screamed and did whatever she could to prove him wrong. Now, now she was just tired. Her body still hurt, her mind hurt and especially her heart. She felt like she was slowly losing part of her sanity as she realized Neil was right, at least for right now.

She felt like a different person when she agreed to his terms. She agreed, leaving Billy alone in Neil’s claws as she tried to assure herself that there was nothing else, she could do. She felt like she was signing her life away, submitting herself to damnation because of what she was doing to her sunshine. She pondered for a long time, wondering if Neil only lashed out at Billy to get back at her. Maybe he really would be okay.

She decided she wouldn’t stop, but she wouldn’t try as hard anymore. Neil was right, Billy would be safe with him for a time. Just until Rosemary could find a real house and support system. It wasn’t easy with Russell, but she made do. Their big divorce proceeding became not so big, and she felt like a failure, a coward.

She tried to keep positive, remembering that at least Neil wasn’t awarded full custody. Once she was on her feet, she’d come back for Billy. She prayed over it to anyone or anything that would listen or hear her. She couldn’t live without him.

Rosemary went a different approach this time. She hid a letter in the back of the baby book, detailing and explaining everything that had happened. She hoped that Billy would find it, as she was sure that Neil would never touch it.

“I thought I told you to stay away?” Neil snapped, looking irritated as he walked out the door. Rosemary glanced over his shoulder, hoping that Billy may be in his car. She was disappointed to see that no one was inside.

“Just give him this,” Rosemary begged Neil, “It’s his baby pictures. He needs them.” She followed him up the steps, feeling fully desperate as she didn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t all of Billy’s pictures, but she didn’t have enough time to cut and place all of them inside.

“Are you in them?” Neil looked up at her, his eyes cutting into her harshly. She felt a wave of sadness washing over her, wondering how she ever thought that she loved him. He was a monster and she had somehow missed all of the signs.

“Not all of them,” She breathes in, “It’s when we were happy.” She said softly, knowing at least part of it was true. She was always happy with Billy, but Neil was a whole different story. She didn’t want to know why he acted the way he did. She didn’t care. She only cared that he honestly treated Billy well.

Rosemary knew she couldn’t stick around long after that. She was stretched thin again as she searched for another apartment, accepting anything that gave her a roof over her head. She found herself cursing Neil a little more, hating what he’d done to her.

1981

The morning that Russell turned eight she cried. Not tears of happiness and joy, but of regret and sorrow. She felt so terrible as she was forcefully reminded that she never got to see Billy turn eight. Billy would’ve turned fourteen back in March and she wondered if he’d ever gotten any of her letters. She doubted it. She hadn’t heard from him, not a peep. She didn’t even know if she’d recognize him if she looked. So much time had passed that she was now embarrassed to even look to see if he was still where she’d left him. It made her sick with guilt.

Russell reminds her a lot of Billy, but they still have many differences. They have the same dirty blonde, curly hair. The same blue eyes and freckles across their cheeks. Russell, however, isn’t as active. He doesn’t hold the same energy that Billy did and is a far pickier eater than Billy was. He was definitely harder for her to raise but sometimes she wondered if that was only because she was on her own with no one else to support her.

“These are nice houses,” Russell says in interest as he clings to her arm. She nods her head in agreement as she pushes the picket fence open, “Would we be living here?” He asks, his blue eyes filled with excitement.

“Something like that,” She tells him with a half smile. The rent for their apartment had skyrocketed and she was no longer able to afford it. She’d caught a glimpse of an ad in a newspaper the other day that detailed a spare room for rent. She figured it was better than nothing, “It is nice.” She confirms as she looks over the pretty flowers and bushes.

She straightens the front of her dress out as she knocks, wanting to look as impressive as she could. She could feel the desperation rolling off of her and only hoped that she hid it well enough to get through this conversation. She felt her breath stalling in her chest at who she’s greeted with.

She does a double take, thinking she recognizes the man until she realizes she does. Sam. Her Sam. The one she’d dreamt of for so long to whisk her away from the hell she was living in. She paused as she leaned up on her elbows.

He didn’t look like a white knight. He looked rather rough actually. He had a hazy look in his eyes, slightly glossy as his lips curled into an awkward smile. His glasses kept sliding down his nose and his hair was untidy and slightly greasy.

“What can I do for you?” He asks in confusion, his voice groggy like he’d just rolled out of bed. Rosemary freezes, sure that he would recognize her but it’s clear that he doesn’t. She feels a fresh wave of disappointment settling in her.

“I’m here about the extra rooms,” Rosemary says slowly as she holds the newspaper up, “You know, the ones you’re renting out.” She references it just as slow, noticing the confusion in his eyes.

“That’s my moms doing,” Sam grumbled as he held the door open, “Come on in.” He holds the door open wide, wincing as he slams it against his foot. Rosemary gives Russell a look, begging him to stifle his laugh as they walk inside.

The house is cute, picturesque. It reminds her of the home that she had built once upon a time. Sadness leaks out of her broken heart once again as she thinks about Billy. She wonders what he’s doing, if he ever thinks about her as much as she thinks of him.

“It’s in this house?” She asks as she inhales deeply, although all she can smell is the cheap alcohol that’s rolling off of Sam. She begs her heart to keep a calm rhythm, not wanting to give away that she could break down into tears any second. Russell is looking around just as curiously, so she keeps a close eye on him to make sure he doesn’t disturb anything.

“The guest house,” Sam motions towards the back patio doors, “I live in the spare room here.” He says, brushing it off like it’s no big deal. Russell’s head shoots up as he walks over with a look of mischief on his features.

“Cool,” Russell said with a dopey grin, “How old are you? What?” He protested as Rosemary sent him a harsh look. She shook her head, begging him to be quiet. Sam cracks a grin, like he knows how to deal with kids.

“My mom’s up this way.” He says to them, stumbling as he walks up the stairs. Rosemary hesitates for a moment, unsure of what to think about him. She follows up anyways, keeping on edge until she’s relieved to see an older woman sitting up at a tea table.

Rosemary is offered the place immediately and she thinks it has more to do with Russell than anything else she presented. Sam’s mother is nice, but it’s clear that there’s tension between the two of them.

“Can I live with you when I’m that old?” She laughs at Russell’s question as she peers down at him. His hair is long, brushing past his shoulders as she pushes her fingers through his curly locks.

“Only if you want to,” She tells him seriously as he lays his head against her shoulder, “You may not want to by then.” She teases him softly. He scoffs, like it’s the most ridiculous thing she could’ve said.

/////////////////////

She sees a lot more of Sam after that. Many times they find him passed out in the grass, his face hidden away by the bushes. Rosemary sighed to herself, wondering how she’d managed to have such good taste in men.

“I like him,” Russell declared as he pressed his shoe against Sam’s shin, “Can we keep him?” Rosemary gapes at him, watching the way Sam’s body twitches but ultimately falls back asleep. She quickly shakes her head, dismissing the idea.

“Russell,” She shook her head as she pulled him away, “You’re going to wake him up.” She tells him quickly, thinking that she would be embarrassed if she woke up in this position. Russell just grins in response, obviously still thinking it’s funny.

“So we should keep him out here?” He asked her, sounding a little more serious this time around. Rosemary pauses for a moment, before she decides against it. She figures if Sam’s drinking habit is this bad, then he’s not a pleasant drunk.

“He’s not our responsibility,” She tells him softly, “Come on. You need to get ready for school.” She tugs him back inside, but spares one last glance at Sam as a sense of pity forms inside of her chest.

She still doesn’t know what to make of Sam, but figures he isn’t the worst person when he’s not stumbling through the backyard in a drunken stupor. He usually spends his afternoons helping Russell with his homework. She was quite amazed at his own large sense of information, liking the way he often rambles off into his own thoughts.

“I didn’t know you smoked.” She said curiously as she stepped outside towards him. She’d spotted him from her window and was surprised to see him not passed out in the yard. She wrapped her robe tighter around herself, her nightgown brushing against the dry grass as she joined Sam on the picnic table.��

“Only when I’m not drinking,” He grumbled. He looked like he was sick, sicker than she had ever seen anybody before, “What are you doing?” He spit out a little awkwardly as he fumbled for another cigarette. She watched the way his hands shook.

“Thinking,” She told him honestly. She glanced at him before she spoke up again, figuring that Sam was unable to judge anyone, “There’s something I want to do, but I don't think I can.” She admitted as she pulled her knees up to her chest. She looked up at the bright moon, wondering if there was a way to count all of the craters that decorated it.

“Why?” Sam tilted his head, looking curious as he absorbed her words. She pressed her lips into a gentle smile, thinking that there was a lot on her mind. She started with the beginning, thinking that it would be easier.

“I never finished high school,” She tells him slowly, “I dropped out Sophomore year.” She didn’t mention Billy out of shame. Not from shame of having him, but rather the shame of leaving him. She feels sick to her stomach all over again and wonders if he’s looking up at the moon right now, the same way she is.

“Why don’t you finish school then?” Sam asks as he twists the last cigarette around between his fingertips. She watches for a second, unsure of how anyone could pick up such a stinky habit.

“I’m too old,” She says with a laugh, “There’s no point.” She shrugs her shoulders. Perhaps she could’ve when Billy was little, but there was no way she could do it now. She had no one to help her with Russell while she studied and worked at the same time.

“Of course there’s a point,” Sam shakes his head, looking at her with furrowed eyebrows, “Go finish your education. I can watch Russell if you need me too.” He shrugs his shoulders, like it’s not that big of a deal. She pauses, not wanting to be rude but also not really trusting Sam. She doesn’t want Russell to have to deal with a drunk on his own.

“I’ll think about it.” She says instead, brushing off his look as she continues to look up towards the moon. She’s figured that this will be her life from now on and only hopes that Russell can build something greater for himself.

“You know,” Sam started slowly, “Some people believe that if you leave a mason jar of water out in a full moon like this to give the water energy.” He explained softly as he lit his cigarette. She listened to his words but didn’t fully understand the point.

“I’ve never heard of that,” She told him, her eyebrows knitted together as she watched him curiously, “Sounds like it’s from a fairytale.” She tells him with a faint laugh, thinking it would be something she would’ve told Billy or Russell. She looks at him intrigued for a moment, wondering what happened to the daughter he’d mentioned so long ago.

“Maybe,” Sam agrees, “But why would that make it less true?” He asks her seriously and she ponders for a moment. She feels ridiculous as she returns to the house and does just what he says. She feels like a small child wishing on a shooting star, but she does it anyway. She wants a good future, she wants Billy back. She doesn’t want to struggle anymore. It’s a lot, but she hopes it works.

She found out that Sam is a lot easier to talk to when he’s sober, although he does ramble and talk to himself a lot of times. She finds herself watching him, intrigued by the way he knows the history of everything as he babbles on about something that is no longer related to the question she needed help with.

“You need to apologize to your daughters,” Rosemary says softly as she holds Russell’s head in her lap. Sam had been spending more and more time with them rather than in his parents house. She liked it this way, even if she didn’t tell him that, “I’m sure they miss you.” She watches the way his brown eyes dart away, like he’s not sure how to respond.

She hadn’t been meaning to snoop, but when he’d asked her to grab one of his former textbooks from his room she’d stumbled upon a mass of letters. It’s a thick pile with colorful envelopes. The handwriting is a neat cursive with little hearts decorated over the name.

At first, she feared it was from one of his former lovers until she opened it up. She only scanned a few lines until she realized it was from his daughter. Rosemary felt bad as she realized his daughter was writing and drawing to a man who wasn’t strong enough to write her back. She cried after, but not for Sam’s daughter. She’d cried for Billy because she wondered if he had done the same thing.

“I know,” He said softly as he finally turned to look at her, “I just don’t want to apologize and mess up again. I owe them so much, I want to make sure I’m there for them this time.” He admits before he’s turning away again. Sam is a tough shell to crack, but Rosemary doesn’t back down. She doesn’t want to be in the dark about things with him. She trusts him, even if she shouldn’t.

"You know," She finally finds the courage to speak again, "We've met before." She gnaws on her bottom lip, unsure of why she's so nervous suddenly. She feels like she's in high school again, like she actually has a crush. It's silly. She's too old to have crushes. She watches the way Sam's cheeks grow dark, how he tries to hide a smile before he's looking at her again.

"I thought maybe you were the one that didn't remember," He said slowly, his brown eyes warm and inviting. She felt her heart beating roughly against her rib cage as butterflies erupted inside of her stomach. She felt a giggle pouring free before she was able to stop it, truly feeling like a schoolgirl this time. She wasn't sure how he thought she could forget him, "What's funny?" He asked, knitting his eyebrows together as he watched her curiously.

"I just-," She paused for a moment, trying to think if her statement was worth saying, "I used to imagine us running off together. You'd take me far away on your white horse." She pushed her hair behind her neck so she could rest her palm on her cheek. Sam grinned.

"Right to my parents' house," He laughed softly, his long legs stretching out underneath her shorter ones. She breathed in deeply against his touch, craving the way he felt against her, "I was thinking, well I had a thought, you know if you'd be up to it-, Maybe you'd want to go out sometime? Like for dinner, as a date." He rambles on awkwardly for far too long, but Rosemary can't help the wide grin that forms on her lips. It was perhaps the worst way she'd ever been asked out, but she nodded her head anyways.

"Yeah," She felt like she was beaming suddenly, "I'd love to go on a date with you."

1985

“It’s right-,” Rosemary skips forward happily as she gestures towards the building. The bricks look like they’re fading, but Rosemary loves the giant windows that soak in the sunlight. She stares at it for a moment, resting her hands against her hips as she admires it, “Here.” She breathed out deeply, staring up in awe. She thinks that it's perfect.

“This building?” Sam looks at her curiously before glancing away again. He looked messy again, tapping his fingers together as he squinted his eyes in the sunlight. He’d been drinking a few weeks ago, but promised he was sober again.

She didn’t know why she kept allowing him back into her life, but she couldn’t stay away from him either. She never allowed him around Russell when he was like that. She didn’t think Russell deserved to see that when he thought so highly of Sam. She wasn’t sure what her and Sam were, but they were definitely more than friends. Four years had gone by, and she felt like she knew him better than she knew herself. He brought her flowers, which were always accustomed by facts and how he thought was the correct way to grow them. He'd take her out on dates occasionally, but for the most part he just stayed over with her. They'd gotten fairly good at sneaking around because of Russell.

She thought that maybe her feelings for Sam ran deeper because they were so seemingly molded together without knowing it. Sam was six years older than her, so even if she had moved to San Diego sooner the likelihood of bumping into him would've been small, but they had gone to the same high school. They also exclusively took their children to St. Georgie's Ice Cream parlor and had previous shitty marriages. Rosemary had even been ecstatic when she'd realized that one of Sam's daughters had attended one of Billy's preschool classes in the summer. She pinned up the picture, just in case.

“Yeah,” She knits her eyebrows together as she turns to him, “Why?” She asked, feeling defensive and worried at the same time. She thought the building was perfect, with a little sun awning on the outside where people could sit if they wanted. She already had it all figured out. From what the name would be to how she would have tables set up and the menu. She pressed her fingertips against the glass, looking inside at the dirty floors. It would be an easy fix.

“I didn’t say anything,” He holds his hands up defensively before he moves around to inspect it, “Good structure,” He mumbles like he knows what he’s talking about, “How much was it?” He asks again, making her spirits dampen a little bit. She hates being reminded that she's poor.

“Eight hundred,” She responds in dismay, “I’ve been saving up, but I have yet to meet the halfway goal.” She shrugs her shoulders, feeling a little defeated but quickly tries to pep herself up again. She’d been baking and working. She could get there; she knew she could. Sam moved back to give her hand a reassuring squeeze. She stared up at him, feeling a little better as his warm brown eyes flicked over her features.

“Huh.” Sam says softly, looking full of thoughts as he continued to look at the building. She caught herself smiling as she watched him, feeling grateful that he was just as committed to her ideas. She followed him around after a moment, but then grew bored as she wrapped her arms around his waist. He'd gained a bit of a stomach recently, but she didn't mind. He was still scrawny, just a little softer now.

“It’s alright,” She sighed deeply as she rested her cheek against his shoulder. He smiled knowingly at her before bending down to kiss her lips gently, “It’s just a silly dream.” She brushes it off, but still finds herself glancing over her shoulder at the brick building as they walk away.

///////////////////

“Can you drop this off at the house?” Rosemary asks, not even thinking as she hands Sam the envelope of money. She was overjoyed as she bounced from foot to foot. She had the meeting with the bank tomorrow and had high hopes that she’d finally get the loan she needed. Things seemed to finally be changing for the better, well for her at least. She still hadn't heard from Billy but hoped that this might be the right way to introduce her back into her life. She was so ashamed, so humiliated that she had stayed gone for so long. She hated herself for it and yet she couldn't find the courage to contact him again. The fear of being rejected weighed heavily on her heart. She was sure that by now Neil had turned him against her completely.

“Where do you want me to put it?” Sam asked curiously, his eyes darting around before he met her gaze again. She clasped her fingers as she leaned against the table, knowing she needed to get back to work. Sam was just too handsome to not talk to. He had been better this time around; his last slump had been his longest. She blamed it on his ex-wife leaving with his daughters, although she didn't know what to tell him either. He'd gambled away the past two lawyers and hardly ever answered their calls or letters. He never told her why, but she thought it was because he felt so ashamed too.

When she'd questioned him about why they were leaving, all he could respond with was that Susan had married again. Although Sam couldn't even remember her new husband's name. He had pondered over it for some time, before deciding that it must either be Neville or Ned. Rosemary couldn't even feel frustrated at his lack of remembrance. For as smart as he was, he couldn't remember anything to save his life. He was dumb, but he was her dummy.

“The cupboard by the stairs,” She sits up as she speaks, “In the third drawer, that’s where I keep all my tips.” She grins as she pats her palm against the table. She’s practically jumping as the excitement courses through her. Even while he's sitting and she's standing, he still seems to tower over her.

“What?” He looks towards her in confusion as he finishes the rest of his coffee. He slides the envelope into his pocket before he grips his pen and begins to work on his crosswords again. Rosemary watches intrigued how he always seems to know the answer. At one point she swore that he was cheating, fairly certain that no one could actually be that smart.

“That’s the amount I need,” She told him gleefully, “You know, to get my loan. I finally met the goal.” She can’t hide the squeal that leaves her mouth, feeling like a little kid once again as she speaks to him. He pauses, his eyes lighting up to match her excitement. She'd been talking about it the past few years, thinking that owning a bakery was something that she would actually enjoy. At least the struggle would be worth it.

By the next day the excitement is gone. She hadn’t seen Sam since the restaurant, which was unusual for him. When he returned the next morning, once Russell was off to school, she could tell what had happened. He’d relapsed again. She could smell the alcohol off of him before she could see him.

“You put it in here, right?” She’s frantically tossing items from the drawers, just to make sure that it’s not somewhere else. Gone, it’s all gone, “Sam, you put it in here, right?” She begs, pleading with him. He pauses, his eyes still glossy as he sways from side to side. She was neatly dressed but the more she searched for the money the more her hair and clothes slowly became messier and messier.

“I thought I could get you more.” He says at last, a look of regret crossing his features. She steadied herself by gripping a hand across the counter, her eyebrows knitting tightly together as she shook her head. She prayed that she heard him wrong, that he was lying.

“Oh my God,” She covers her mouth with her shaking hand, unable to hide the sob that rushed forward. All those years, all the money. Gone, just like that, “Please tell me you didn’t. You’re joking, this is a joke right?” She asked, searching for any reassurance from him. She got none.

“I’m sorry, Rosemary,” Sam breathed out softly, “I’m so sorry.” He said again, his brown eyes beginning to fill with emotion. She shut her eyes tightly, feeling so stupid to think that she could trust anyone but herself. She knew what Sam’s issues were and she openly invited him to drink and gamble her money away. This was her fault, all hers.

“I just-,” She inhales deeply, “I don’t want to see you right now.” She told him softly, trying to keep herself from sobbing. She felt so sick. Just when everything seemed to be getting better, it had to get worse again.

“Rose-.”

“Please,” She tells him a little forcefully, “Please, go.” She held a hand out towards him, unable to look at him as she continued to blink tears away. She waited until he was gone before she broke down. She didn’t understand what she had done to deserve all of this.

It took a week before she was able to properly look at Sam again. She decided that there was no reason to ponder on it anymore. If it wasn’t meant to happen, it wasn’t meant to happen. Sam may have gambled her money away, but she couldn’t stay away from him. She cared for him, more than she thought she even realized. She already knew that it was Sam's addiction, not him. It was a hard concept for her to grasp, but she knew differently he would act. He had seemed surprised that she had wanted anything to do with him at all and she couldn't fully explain it to him either. The trust wasn't all there, but it wasn't gone either.

“I got some of the money,” Sam says to her one day, “You know, for the bakery.” She looked up at him, raising an eyebrow in confusion. He’d been sober for the longest she’d ever seen him and had been working odd jobs for the longest time. However, she didn’t think he’d been able to save up that much in such a short amount of time.

“What?” She glanced up towards him in confusion, “How?” She didn’t mean to sound so stern, but it came off that way. She didn't want to hear that he had been gambling again and actually won. She began to grow worried, knowing that it would only make his addiction that much worse. He paused for a moment before he spoke.

“I asked my daughter,” Sam said with a soft smile, “She said she’d send me some.” He still speaks as if it’s no big deal. She feels like her eyes are bugging out of her head as she stares at him in disbelief. She's speechless for a moment, wishing that he had said he'd been gambling instead.

“Samuel,” Rosemary felt her jaw going slack, “Tell me you didn’t.” She begs of him, worried that he had truly called one of his daughters for that reason. He furrowed his eyebrows, looking at her confused.

“What do you mean?” He asked, full of curiosity like he had done nothing wrong. She groaned into her hands, shaking her head in total disbelief. She wondered how men could be so stupid.

“You haven’t talked to her in how long and when you do, you ask for money?” She asked him seriously, hoping that her words sunk into him. He opened his mouth and then shut it, like realization was drawing in around him. Her heart broke a little bit for Kim, figuring that she must've been the one he asked. Max was about two years older than Russell, not nearly old enough to work yet. He always spoke of the two girls in a different way, both out of love, but the way he spoke about Kim was much more delicate. She was the one with the pretty handwriting and the neat little doodles that he'd proudly show off to her. She remembered that Max liked to mineral hunt with him. He'd also mentioned that Max may not be his but promised that it didn't change the way he felt about her.

“That wasn’t the only thing we talked about.” He muttered, like he was trying to defend himself. She scoffed and shook her head, feeling as if a migraine was beginning to settle over her. She hadn't had one in a while but felt like this situation was stressful enough to bring it on overnight.

“Thank you,” She told him softly once she was able to look at him again, “But I can’t take your daughter's money. You ran off with the money, not her. You need to apologize.” She tells him a little sternly because she means every word. She could only imagine how she’d feel if her parents finally contacted her, and it was only to ask for money. She had an urge to call Kim herself and apologize for Sam's behavior.

“I will.” He sighed as he clasped his fingers together and sat down. She knew what that meant though. He wouldn’t say anything and would hope that this would breeze past. She shook her head but knew that she hadn’t done much better with Billy.

Things slowly progress back to normal, well as normal as Sam allows for things to get. Rosemary can clearly tell that he still feels bad for what happened, but she no longer cares. She knows what he did was dumb, but she had already forgiven him. It was time to move on. Things do slowly until the previous situation is just a distance memory. When she reaches her goal this time, she doesn't share the money with Sam. She doesn't hide it in the same area either. It makes her feel guilty, but she knows she needs to be safe about it too.

“I know, I know I’ve made mistakes,” Sam gulped, looking at Rosemary with soft brown eyes. She looked towards him curiously, her hair messy after the long shift she'd just had. Sam no longer stayed inside of his parents' house, rather he stayed in the tiny house with her and Russell, “I shouldn’t have stolen from you. I really have changed and I’m willing to prove that to you.” The ring he presented to her was far different than the one Neil gave her. Neil’s had been small, an afterthought, she was sure. Sam’s ring was golden, with a medium sized band to hold up the rather large diamond. It was an oval shape, with four smaller gemstones on each side of it.

“You’re drunk.” She told him in disbelief, having no idea what she was going to say. She hadn’t expected this of him, not at all. She felt like her chest was tight, like she might break down into tears of joy. His proposal was random, completely rash as she looked towards him in a stunned silence. She could tell by the look on his face that he'd been pouring over this for a long time.

“I haven’t drank in two weeks,” Sam replied with a tight grin, “It’s terrible, it sucks but I’m doing it for us. I want to be the man you deserve, someone you’re proud of. Please, let me make it up to you.” She shook her head, staring at the ring as he observed her nervously. Her mouth opened then shut again. She had no idea what to say, or how to say it.

“You want to marry me?” She asked him slowly, waiting for him to tell her that this was some cruel joke. She was sure that Neil only wanted to marry her because he thought he could control her. She didn’t know what she could possibly offer to Sam.

“I do,” He confirmed with a nod of his head, “Unless you don’t want to. I’d understand. I’m just happy being with you.” He rambled off for a moment, looking even more nervous as he awaited her response. She grinned as she leaned forward and cupped his scratchy face. She kissed him sweetly, slowly.

“I want to marry you too,” She promised him as she pulled away, feeling moved by the emotions that were displayed in his eyes, “You’re not allowed to leave me.” She told him sternly, her fingertips caressing the curve of his lips. He laughed between his own tears but nodded his head in agreement, giving her a silent promise.

They marry not long after, maybe a week. She doesn’t even care about wearing white or any of that. All she cares about is being happy with Sam. Russell is overjoyed and she swears that Sam’s mom even looks to be a bit happy. They're not perfect, but they're happy. She still thinks that Sam is the most handsome man that she's ever seen, and she never tires of his endless rambling and all of the random facts that he has hidden away.

“You never let me ask about dad,” Russell said slowly one afternoon, “Which is fine, but you and Sam are together now so-,” He cuts himself off like he’s trying to figure out the right way to phrase his question, “Can I call him dad?” She's surprised at first, but ultimately a smile forms on her lips. She knew that Sam wasn't perfect, but he had been good to Russell. He had given Russell a father figure when he'd never had one.

“If you want to,” She tells him honestly as she feels tears welling into her eyes, “I think he’d like that.” She nods her head, feeling like things were slowly falling more and more into place. Russell nods, looking more excited as he bounds off to share the news to Sam. Rosemary sits back for a moment, wondering if Billy would've liked Sam too. She gulps hard, wishing she could have her other little boy back.

It takes three weeks for the bakery to get set up. The whole time Rosemary is bursting in excitement, feeling like something was finally going her way. When they publish ads in the newspaper, she wonders if Billy will see it. She hopes that he will, that he’ll find a way to come back to her.

It doesn’t take long until she’s signing a lease with Sam, that they have their own house that’s near the beach. It takes a while to get the proper furniture, and everything moved in, but it feels more like home than she's felt in a long time. Sam begins growing a garden and documenting the various plants, insects and animals that inhabit the dirt. She doesn't understand it, but he says it keeps him busy. She's happy with that.

"Are you boys hungry?" She shouts out, the nape of her neck still wet from sweat. The AC unit had gone out again and for the most part the house stayed cool, until the sun was pointed in the perfect direction.

"I am," Russell was the first one up, his long blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail. His cheeks were red as he walked towards Rosemary. She nodded towards the kitchen, making sure he washed his dirty hands off first, "Yeah, yeah." He grumbled, already knowing what Rosemary wanted him to do. Sam walked a few paces behind him, his hands even dirtier.

"Look," Sam held out his hand, showing a butterfly with large orange wings sitting on his finger. She peered at it curiously, thinking that it looked a lot like the one Neil had once gifted her, "It's a Mylitta Crescent." He said, sounding quite proud of how easily he identified it. The butterfly fluttered its wings but continued to sit on Sam's finger. She wrinkled her eyebrows up, hoping that she wouldn't witness Sam tear it up the way Neil had.

"Oh, it's pretty," She agreed softly, liking how the sun reflected in Sam's dark eyes, "You're not really gonna tear those wings off are you?" She asked, furrowing her eyebrows together even tighter as she thought about how badly it must hurt the poor butterfly. Sam's expression dropped; his brown eyes wide with confusion.

"Tear the wings off?" Sam looked grief stricken for a second, "Why would I do that? It's too pretty to keep locked up, it deserves to be free." He said softly, looking deep in thought as the butterfly fluttered off of his finger. Rosemary watched him curiously, still feeling like he surprised her every day. Her features relaxed as she knew that Sam was too sweet to ever do anything cruel to her.

It’s almost perfect. She shakes like a leaf as she drives where she used to live with Neil, determined that nothing can keep her away from Billy anymore. The worst he can do is reject her, but then at least she can live with herself in knowing that she actually tried. She’s heartbroken when she’s discovered that a new family is living there. The whole street looks different, like someone had washed all of the other tenants far away. No one remembers Neil or Billy. She realizes for the first time that she was far too late, that if she wanted to find Billy that she had waited too long.

She doesn’t expect to find him in her living room, staring up at the not so little boy she’d been missing for so long. He’d grown, but she was happy to know that she could still spot him despite how many years had grown between the two of them. He still looked like her, still had his bright blue eyes and long dirty blonde hair. His expression was stoic, remaining hardened and unreadable as she stepped towards him.

“Billy,” She breathed out, a million thoughts racing in her mind, but she ignored them all. All she could do was focus on him, “You’ve come home.” She told him softly, feeling like her world was slowly starting to heal again.

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