#if my sourdough starter would get just A LITTLE more rise I’ll be able to make bread soon

[planetsallalign]

Today at Walmart while do errands I bought a nightgown that I 100% can call a Nana nightgown. In fact I’m sure my Nana had many in this style. The pattern kept calling to me, I bought it and tried it on at home. Upon trying it on I learned not only is it so comfortable, it’s 100% cotton AND it has pockets. I’m leaning into my dressing for comfort and in things I like. Not for anyone else’s gaze or consumption.

[balkanradfem]

I love to brag when I do something good but there are few things that I'm really struggling with right now, and I'm just being quiet about it. I will figure it out but it's okay to share failures as well. Seeing other people fail is reassuring sometimes.

So first thing I can't do well is sourdough bread. First time I was doing it without the store-bought yeast I looked at instructions online and it was like "it needs to rise 17 hrs" and I had no intention of taking all day making a bread so I skipped that and the result was... the worst bread ever made. It was the consistency of clay. 2 days later it caught mold and I had to throw it away. I've never seen a bread so bad. It was a disaster.

So second time I was like okay fine! I kneaded it multiple times, let it rise all damn day and baked it at 10pm like a weirdo, and it tasted.. like vinegar. It was unreasonably sour. I could eat it, but.. at what cost. I'm not sure why it happened. I might have over-fermented the starter. Maybe I need a new one? I'll try baking one again today with my own methods. I hate following instructions anyway.

Other thing that is not doing best is my hair, I wrote about not using shampoo anymore, and first few times I washed my hair with water alone it looked great! But then it kept looking too oily and thin and unhealthy after every next wash. So I figured I needed some herb power, and googled all herbs good for hair care. Found this awesome list and on it little hints about how you could just make tea of them and use it as a rinse. Perfect, I thought. I brought home a batch of lemon balm and nettle and made a big pot of tea, waited for it to cool down a bit, and washed my hair in it. It was very fun sinking my head into a pot of tea, felt very fancy. And the hair got a little better right away, it got back a lot of the fluffyness and volume and it's much lighter now. But it's not ideal yet, I think I'll have to wash it this way for a while before it's good looking again. At least it smells great now. Lemon balm smells like happiness to me.

Last thing I'm really struggling with is mental health, I've had so many bad days I didn't clean my kitchen or wash the dishes at all for more than a week. And since it's summer, it's dangerous to do that, bacteria develops extremely fast in the heat. I cleaned it today, so I would be able to make lunch. My energy levels get so low I'm worried about preserving food, last summer I didn't even have as many produce and I let a lot go bad because I couldn't bring myself to process it, this time I planted almost twice tomatoes and peppers, and I'm actually doing worse mentally. It feels like I set myself up for failure, and at the same time, I really need to process all that food so I can feel safe during winter. Feelings of inadequacy are very threatening to me right now.