#if my end game is a green new deal and my choices are a candidate who doesn't believe in climate change

[aeryns]

i just think when you’re talking abt politics you have to think abt what your goals are. what’s the endgame. what are your values. and then evaluate what you’re doing and ask if those actions are working to promote those values or not. sitting out an election because neither candidate is ideologically pure (hint: no candidate is, sorry.) isn’t helping your values nearly as much as working to put the candidate in who does believe in your general values and then once they’re in trying to push them more in line with your values.

[let-it-raines]

What a Wicked Game {12/15}

Killian met her in a pub on a rainy night in March. Going inside was only supposed to be a way for him to avoid the rain and fight off the demons in his head. It was a place for him to pass through, not stay. But then he was charmed by a blonde woman with a quick wit who had absolutely no interest in him or who he was.

That was a first. It was also the beginning of Emma Nolan helping to bring him back to life. It was the beginning of everything.

Five years later, with their worlds crumbling around them, Killian can’t help but wonder if this is the end of the peace they have known now that his family knows about his relationship. It wouldn’t be a problem if his father wasn’t the King of England.

rating: mature

a/n: thank you to the mods at @captainswanbigbang​ for running this event and helping to encourage writers to finish their wonderful stories, to @resident-of-storybrooke​ for reading all these words, and to @captainsjedi​ for making the beautiful artwork ❤️

ao3: beginning | current

tumblr:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 

-/-

October 19th, 2018

October dawns bright and warm, but as it settles in, the warmth disappears into a chill and the brightness of the sky turns to the gray for which London is often known. Leaves are still in the midst of changing colors, from a dull green to vibrant oranges and reds that contrast the sky, and Emma finds herself staring out the large window in Killian’s bedroom to look at the leaves falling from a tree and drifting through the air until they eventually land on the edge of the roof. It’s been seven weeks since she slept in her own bed and had her parents just down the hall from her, and as weird as it’s been, she’s thankful for this.

She’s thankful that every day she is actively making the choice to be with Killian and to work at adjusting to all of the complications that come with this life.

It’s more than a lot, but as she looks down at her arm and sees it without the ugly white plaster and stretches her arms above her head without any pain, Emma reminds herself that time and a little extra care can heal things. The immediate reaction and pain doesn’t stay. It changes and lessens. Her body is healing, her heart too, and the darkness that surrounded her for all of August seems to have almost been extinguished.

Nothing about this has been easy, but Emma doesn’t want to retreat back and walk away again. She still believes that her reasons were sound, that she had to do it in order to take care of herself and protect her heart, and in a weird way, coming out on the other side has made her thankful for it.

Getting into a car crash and possibly almost dying because photographers wanted a picture of her sitting in a car after they found out about she and Killian’s breakup wasn’t great. She could have done without that. She still could. And she definitely won’t be getting in a car on a rainy night anytime soon.

Her physical scars may be lessening, most of them non-existent now, but she’s not ready for that. She’s not ready for a lot of things, but when has she ever been?

“Darling,” Killian calls out, and she gets a little smile on her face at how much his accent thickens on that word, “do you know where my solid navy tie is? It should be with all of the others, but I can’t find it.”

“Where did you last see it?”

“If I bloody well knew that, I wouldn’t be asking where it is.”

He pokes his head out of the bathroom before walking outside and finishing the buttons on his dress shirt. He looks handsome today in his navy pants and light blue dress shirt, and she really doesn’t see why he needs to wear a tie when he looks fine without it. Royal dress code or something. She doesn’t know. Over the past few weeks as she’s isolated herself in Killian’s apartment at Kensington or wandered over to Liam and Elsa’s to spend time with Elsa, she’s found herself going through guidebooks that Elsa had made when she got engaged to Liam. There are all these rules and regulations from how to cross your legs to what nail polish she’s supposed to wear, and while Emma thinks a lot of it is bullshit, it’s the territory that comes with being in this relationship.

Emma will paint her nails ballet slipper pink and cross her legs at the ankle every damn day if that’s what it takes. What she won’t do is be suffocated by the press and by Brennan.

What she won’t do is make Killian leave his family and break his mom’s heart simply because she couldn’t handle the pressure.

If he wants to leave, if it is truly his decision outside of her, she’s more than happy for them to live their lives in a simpler way where Killian doesn’t have to worry about where his solid navy tie is. Leaving may be in their future, but they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it.

But if they’re staying and doing this, she wants to make the best out of the situation. She wants to work with charities that help empower women and children. She wants to do that for men too, to educate them on the intricacies over an ever-changing world. She wants to do good and be good. This family is insane, the money and the traditions and the vault full of actual tiaras like something out of a movie, but they can use their privilege to do good.

Emma knows what it’s like to not have this kind of privilege, and now she may be in a position to help.

“Cool down, Casanova. No need to get all snippy over your tie. Where are you even going today?”

“The opening of a hospital wing and then I’m meeting with a slew of new security guards to interview.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

Killian arches a brow. “Haven’t you spent enough time in hospitals lately?”

“I meant to the interviews, dumbass. Isn’t this for my security, too?”

Killian fidgets with the neck of his shirt, buttoning and then unbuttoning it so that black tufts of chest hair show. “Aye, but I figured I’d go through the candidates first, and then you could meet the top few to see which ones you’re most comfortable with.”

“I can come with you. It’s really not a big deal. I don’t have any plans for the day.”

“Swan, it’s fine. I promise.” Killian walks over to her and sits down on the edge of the bed next to her before taking her hand and bringing it to his mouth. “This is a dreadfully boring process, and my father is unfortunately going to be there for some of it, though I’ll likely leave the room when he does his own interviews. I don’t - after August, he’s convinced that I can’t pick out my own security team.”

“August was...I mean, he was selling information about us because his dad is sick and can’t afford the surgeries and medication back in America. He was willing to risk prison to save his dad. That’s not something you could have predicted.”

A part of Emma understands the words she’s telling Killian, but the other part of her wants to punch August’s fucking teeth out for making her life hell and inadvertently causing her crash.

“You’ve met Brennan. You know how he can be. I could do everything perfectly, but one screw up that’s outside of my control, and I’m incompetent.”

“Your dad sucks.”

Killian leans his head back with his laugh before leaning forward and pressing his lips to her knuckles once more. “In three words, you’ve managed to sum up quite a bit of my life.”

“I’m magical like that.”

“That you are, my love. That you are.” Killian sighs and blinks at her a few times. She thinks he’s going to say something to her, but then there’s a slight shake of his head and she knows the moment has passed. “Give me a little more time, and I swear I’ll talk to him. Seriously. He and I may never get along, but that’s okay. I simply need him to publicly accept you and to sign off on all of these protection measures for you.”

“Killian, you know you don’t have to do - ”

“No, I do. I will do everything I can to protect you, and if that means I have to have an actual conversation with my father where I don’t leave the room until I get what I want, I will. We’ve missed so much time not talking and not taking action. I don’t want to miss any more.”

Emma leans forward and presses her mouth to Killian’s cheek. “I love you. You should wear the white and navy striped tie instead of the solid one.”

He raises his hand to his forehead as he stands from the bed. “Aye, that’s a good idea.”

“And babe?”

“Yeah, love?”

“If Graham Humbert doesn’t make it to the final interview stage for security, Ruby and I will both be pissed at you. He’s who I want protecting me.”

“That doesn’t terrify me as much as it should.”

“Ruby will be vicious.”

“Eh.”

“I can withhold sex, and you just got that back.”

Killian mock gasps, placing his hand over his heart. “You’re a liar, Emma Nolan. I know you find me too attractive to ever do that.”

He catches the pillow she throws with annoying ease, and she hates him for it.

(Not really.)

After Killian leaves, Emma falls back into bed and thinks that she’ll spend her day watching Netflix or doing something else as equally lazy. What better way is there to spend her last day of being twenty-five?

None.

But that lasts approximately two episodes of a show before guilt nags at her, and she’s moving the covers off of her legs and standing from the bed with a frown etched on her lips and the idea that she needs to clean something. Cleaning is not at all her thing unless she’s working at the pub, but she’s been pretty much on vacation (if vacation included recovering from a car crash and having a million talks with your boyfriend over all of the problems in your relationship) for two months, and she’s probably genetically unable to not work for such long periods of time.

She’s in a literal palace, even if it’s nothing like any of the movies or shows, and instead of relaxing, she wants to clean up the spots Killian has let go over the past few weeks from not having a maid to aid him in his ridiculously specific cleaning rituals.

What even is her life?

She starts in the kitchen, going through Killian’s fridge and throwing out everything that’s expired or has gone bad, and she quickly moves on from that to vacuuming every rug and sweeping or dusting the places that get missed. It’s a lot, and if it wasn’t for the music that is playing over the system, she’d have quit hours ago. She’s about to quit now when she remembers just how messy Killian’s closet is because of her absolute inability to hang up her own clothes.

They’ve probably had more fights about that than, oh, you know, whether or not the actual King of England wants to behead her or not.

(Currently, they’re leaning more toward him wanting to lock her away in a dungeon so she can’t cause any more unintentional media frenzies. It’s apparently less dramatic than a beheading because at least she gets to live...this is a weird train of thought.)

Emma’s phone starts ringing, and she pulls it out of her pocket to answer as she walks up the stairs.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hey, sweetheart,” David greets. “How are you feeling today? Old? Young? Like your life is over because you’re getting closer to late-twenties than early-twenties?”

“You are the most encouraging person alive.”

“I try.”

Emma chuckles and turns down the hallway to go into the bedroom, picking up her bra from where Killian must have tossed it last night and placing it in the hamper. “I’m fine. Killian’s at work opening a new hospital wing, apparently. I’m cleaning. How are you? What are you guys up to today?”

“I’m sorry. Did you say you were cleaning? Are we sure that you don’t have a concussion?”

“Your dad jokes are not good.”

“Every joke I’ve told since the day you were born has been a dad joke, and they’ve all been fabulous.”

She groans and walks into the closet before placing her phone on the table in the center of the room and putting it on speaker so she can do a little work before she loses momentum.

“I’m taking your dad joke privileges away, and to answer your question, I really am fine. I’m just messy, and Killian hasn’t had any of his usual staff in the apartment while I’ve been here. I think the whole August thing freaked him out so that he doesn’t trust anyone around me.”

“Someone close to him was selling information about you that harmed you. I’d be freaked out too. Hell, I am freaked out. If I wouldn’t get arrested for assault, I’d confront the guy.”

Everyone she loves wants to punch everyone who has hurt her, but they all stop themselves because of the fear of getting arrested for assault…she’s not sure if that’s flattering or concerning.

“What are you and Mom up to today?” she questions again, wanting to change the subject. She doesn’t want to talk about all of the shitty stuff that’s been happening to her lately. All she wants is to pick up all of her sweaters from the ground and figure out which ones need to be washed. Focusing on the bad is not how she’s going to move forward.

(And maybe not having to see August Booth’s face.)

“Your mom is downstairs with Will going over some possible menu changes, and I’ve been told I’m not allowed in the pub until I fix whatever is up with this toilet.”

“Ah, so you called me to procrastinate on doing that?”

“You know me so well.”

Emma fills in her dad on everything that’s been going on over the past few days. She tells him that her arm almost doesn’t feel weird anymore and that Ruby came over for dinner two nights again and brought Graham along with her. David is nearly as shocked by that as she was. This might be the longest relationship Ruby has ever had, and it’s good to see her so happy. It’s good that Emma likes Graham in that he’s dating her best friend and also might be protecting Emma’s life from now on if his next round of interviews goes well. In return, her dad gives her far too much information on the date he and her mom went on last night, and then he spends at least ten minutes talking about the difference in two brands of tomatoes.

All the while Emma has almost the entire closet (seriously, her dad talked for way too long and gave too much information about the date like he was talking to a friend and not his daughter) cleaned up. When she moves a pair of jeans that are on Killian’s side of the closet, she finds his solid blue navy tie he was searching for earlier.

“Ha,” she mumbles before reaching down to grab the tie.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she says to her dad before tugging on the tie and pulling it up only for a small black box to roll out of it and tumble down onto the ground. “Holy shit.”

“Emma, are you okay?” David asks, but Emma barely hears him over the pounding of her heart. There might as well be an entire drumline in the room.

“Emma?”

“Y-yeah,” she lies even as her fingers tug so tightly on the tie that it might tear. “Hey, Dad? Has Killian talked to you about any...future type things?”

“What do you mean?”

Emma huffs and goes to pick up the box. They could be earrings, right? Or a necklace? Or another ring? She’s got a sapphire one she wears on her right hand. Killian has given her a ring before that wasn’t an engagement ring. That doesn’t mean what’s in this box is one. He buys her jewelry, and it’s not a big deal.

Except…

When the hell did he have time to get this?

How long has he had it? What made him decide to get it? When does he plan on using it? Does he still plan on using it after their breakup?

“You know what I mean. Has he - you know what,” Emma decides, placing the box on the table, “never mind. Don’t tell me anything. I think I’m going to have to call you back later.”

“Whatever you want,” David sighs, confused. “I love you, kiddo.”

“I love you, too, Dad.”

And then the phone line disconnects and she’s left with nothing except for the sound of that damn drumline and the jewelry box that she doesn’t know what to do with. She’s not going to look. She can’t look. There’s no good that would come out of it.

She really wants to look.

Like, really.

“No,” Emma tells herself, grabbing the box off the table and moving to put it back where it must have been before it got tangled in her jeans and in the tie. She puts the tie back for good measure as well, and she’s absolutely going to bite her tongue on bragging about finding the tie when Killian gets home.

He wants to marry her.

She wants to marry him.

Maybe cleaning was worth something.

-/-

Killian comes home that night with grilled cheese sandwiches, which he hates, and onion rings from Ruby’s grandmother’s restaurant, and she doesn’t think she’s ever loved him more.

He tells her that Graham has moved onto the final selections even with Brennan’s hounding and worry over Graham not being trained in the same way as their usual security.

Emma knows that she wants him to be the one who’s hired. She’s not going to trust anyone else, not after everything that’s happened.

-/-

He doesn’t give her any kind of jewelry for her birthday the next day, and she knows what was in the box.

There’s no definite proof, but Emma knows.

Right now, where they are, she’s not ready to get married, but she will be someday. Probably soon. So if Killian were to ask her, she’d say yes over and over again, but the actual getting married part would have to be put on hold until her emotions, Killian’s too, were a little less chaotic.

Love is a really funny thing.

-/-

November 10th, 2018

The cool of the marble pebbles Emma’s skin as Killian helps guide her on top of the counter. His fingers inch over the back of her thighs and up behind her knees where she’s sensitive, and she giggles into his neck while trying to keep herself from bursting into hysterical laughter. Killian keeps the apartment so warm that she didn’t bother to put on anything more than her sleep shorts and a t-shirt last night before going to bed, and she’s regretting that now with every shift over her body over the countertop. But Killian is warm, especially when he steps in between her thighs and she hooks her ankles around his back right over his ass, and every touch of his fingers, gentle and teasing, brings a little more fire to her body.

Especially if he’d stop trying to tickle her while hotly running his tongue down the side of her throat and leaving open-mouthed kisses there.

He’s particularly good at those, and she could spend day after day close to him as he covers her body with affectionate words and delicate brushes of lips that turn into more.

Really, that’s been the last two months, even with her having to wear that atrocious cast for most of it, but they found simple ways to fix that. Being apart and not having those beautiful blue eyes to look into or that laugh to hear after a funny joke was absolutely torture, and having him back in her life, having him back as her person, is something Emma doesn’t ever want to take for granted again.

She will inevitably. It’s human nature. But she doesn’t want to.

Being with Killian is the easy thing. Fighting off the demons is what makes it difficult, but fighting off the demons and conquering them has made her realize that good things often come after struggles that seem impossible.

She’s a sentimental fool now, and she doesn’t care.

(Finding the engagement ring two weeks ago has made her even more sentimental.)

She especially doesn’t care as Killian’s tongue dips into her collarbone and his hands snake up underneath her shirt, warm palms against cool skin in a combination of which she’ll never tire. Emma knows that Killian is a sentimental fool now too. He was before, definitely more than her, but she can see all of the little ways he’s being more affectionate than he was before.

That’s saying something.

But his affection has been obvious lately. In the mornings, she always wakes to him curled around her, hand resting between her breasts and chin nuzzled into the back of her neck. That’s not how they sleep, not usually, so she knows that he does that when he wakes up in the morning while she’s still sleeping. He’s always touching her - hands intertwined, arm around her waist, ankles hooked together - like he’s looking for constant reassurance that she’s real.

That they’re real.

Killian has gone to war for her on multiple occasions, and she has seen the intensity and the fighting spirit that he possesses. She watched him break down over her accident and watched him absolutely vilify every single press association that was involved in that incident or any of the ones that have attacked her in the past or stolen private information from her. She’s watched him deal with the Neal interviews that seem to keep coming despite their falsities, and she’s watched him do absolutely everything that he can to protect her.

Emma never wanted protection or help. She thought that it made her weak to not be able to handle things on her own, but that was wrong.

All of it.

People are going to tell you who you are your whole life. You have to punch back and say “no, this is who I am.” If you want people to look at you differently, make them. If you want to change things, you’re going to have to go out there and change them yourself. Because there are no fairy godmothers in this world.

But there are supportive partners who punch back with you or stand to the side and cheer you on when you need it the most.

“I hate these bloody shorts,” Killian mumbles into her skin as the deep timbre of his voice vibrates down her spine. “I seem to both want you in them and out of them all at once.”

“That’s quite the conundrum you have going on, Jones.”

Killian chuckles before nipping at her jaw and pulling back so that she sees his eyes are blown black. “You are the conundrum, Nolan,” he softly says as his thumbs ghost over both of her nipples, slowly but surely bringing them to peaks. “It’s a funny thing. I seem to always want you. I want you in the mornings, at night, in the middle of the damn day…”

Emma hums while pleasure continues to curl between her thighs, and she wraps her arms loosely around his neck, playing with his hair and running the gemstone of her ring down the back of his neck. “Tell me more about this wanting me in the morning thing.”

The look on his face is positively dirty, and it’s exactly what she wants. So when his hands leave her breasts and move to take her shirt off, she stretches her arms in the air and allows him to undress her until the warm air of the heater is touching her skin. Killian shifts against her so that she can feel his length brushing against where she wants him, a perfect fit in a position that shouldn’t be comfortable, and she melts at his touch as the roughness of his unshaven scruff scratches against her neck and down her sternum to be between her breasts.

“You’re a damn temptress,” he mutters, voice deep and raspy with sleep still lingering. “I wake up and see the smoothness of your skin laid out before me, and my mind is only filled with thoughts of you. I’ve never wanted someone like this.”

“Funny thing, I feel the same way.”

“Do you now?” His fingers tug into her shorts and her underwear, and she lifts her hips as he pulls them down and off of her ankles so that she’s left bare before him, the marble chilling her skin has goosebumps pop up and spread over her.

“I do. Most definitely. You’re quite the catch.”

Killian laughs as he captures her lips, so soft and pliant and warm, with her own. There’s something to be said for kissing just for the sake of kissing, the feeling it sends through her body, and when Emma gently runs her tongue across his bottom lip, asking for entrance, he gladly grants it, tangling their tongues together in one of his favorite dances. She’s definitely picked a partner who knows what he’s doing.

Emma runs her hands through the hair at the nape of his neck and keeps her hand anchored there while the other runs up his spine, soft little taps of her fingertips against the bone underneath his shirt. They stay that way for awhile, lips moving together, until Emma’s hand leaves his hair to move underneath his shirt as well, pulling up at the material until he pulls back and tugs it over his head.

“I feel like we’re on a little bit more equal footing now. You were wearing too many clothes.”

“Was I? I hadn’t noticed. I was a little bit distracted by how unsanitary it’s going to be for us to fuck in the kitchen.”

“That’s literally never stopped you before.”

He huffs and leans forward to kiss her, slow and so impossibly thorough that she feels it all the way down to her toes. “I know,” he grins. “Are you okay up there, or do you want to move upstairs?”

“As long as you don’t hit my head into a cabinet, I’m fine.”

“You’re so beautiful, my love,” he whispers against her skin, kissing the tops of her breasts as her eyelids flutter closed and she recovers from the whiplash in the change of his tone. “I remember the first time I saw you, Emma,” he speaks into her skin as his nose drags along her stomach and arousal tugs at her belly. “You were – are so bloody gorgeous, the curls of your ponytail framing your face and the dark of your eyelashes looking down at me as you told me to get my soggy ass out of the booth.”

“I didn’t say that,” she protests, running her hand through the hair and tugging him down closer to where she’s desperately aching for her.

There’s something about the night that they met that Killian always thinks about. It’s a frequent remembrance, this conversation one they’ve had before, and Emma knows that in moments where Killian is nostalgic, where he’s thinking about how much she means to him, his mind goes back to that night and piecing together all of the circumstances for their meeting.

She doesn’t care how it happened. Just that it did.

No one was ever supposed to love her or treasure her like this. This wasn’t supposed to be how it is for her. She wasn’t supposed to get the good guy. It wasn’t in the cards.

Life has apparently decided to deal her a new hand altogether.

“But you were thinking it,” he whispers against skin, lips pressing against her small tattoo and lingering there. She thought getting that might be a mistake, that the desperation was too much, but over the past few weeks, Killian has held onto it like a glimmer of hope. She did the same. “You looked so frustrated with me, like how dare I walk into your pub in order to get out of the rain.”

“Shameful, really,” she teases, and when she opens her mouth to say something else, she can’t, her throat suddenly too tight to speak while the entirety of the English language escapes from her brain.

Killian’s hands hook around the back of her knees, and this time there’s no playful teasing. Instead, he spreads her legs further apart and bends down to his own knees. She’s about to make a joke about him not hurting himself, a tease over his twenty-ninth birthday last month and how dramatic he was over being nearly thirty, but then he’s kissing her exactly where she wants him, where she needs him.

His tongue drags roughly against her like a perfected routine, and Emma’s eyes tighten. She can’t bear to open them, but then she does and sees the dark mess of hair between the paleness of her thighs. Even more than that, she sees the blue of his eyes under the hood of his eyelid, and she wonders if today is going to be the day that this is all too much for her.

Never.

Killian shifts underneath her, his right hand leaving the curve of her knee to join with his tongue as he kisses her and kisses her and kisses her. Moans filter between them, hers and his, and the tension could be cut with one of the knives that’s in the drawer beneath her ass. It’s all too much - too much pleasure and want and love - and when he slips two fingers into her and curls them, she gasps out his name as a chant that never seems to stop.

“Magnificent,” he mumbles, the sound of his voice like liquid fire in her veins. “Bloody magnificent. Your noises, my darling. Fuck.”

There’s something about knowing that Killian is as affected by things like this as she is, even if he’s the one giving all of the pleasure, and that with the combination of his mouth moving over her bundle of nerves and his fingers moving within her as her falling apart little by little, like the waves cresting onto the shore.

Damn.

Killian presses a kiss to where she’s still fluttering before moving to her thigh, light touches that are nothing more than a blink, a whisper. When he rises from the ground, he grunts, probably from having his knees pressed into hardwood for so long, but she doesn’t think about that for too long when she can feel him hard against her and pressing into her thigh. “Mmm,” Emma hums, pulling herself up and tugging Killian closer to her so that she buries her face in his neck, kissing the straining cord. “You are wonderful.” “Ah, well, that tends to be your reaction after we do something like that.” “Are you fishing for compliments?” “Never.” She chuckles while he does the same, and even without looking, she knows that his eyes are crinkled, joy written across his face.

“Do you want to move upstairs or…”

“Upstairs. Definitely upstairs.”

They move quickly, neither of them in the mood to wait, and while it would have been faster to move to the couch in the living room, this is better. Killian falls back to the bed with laughter on his lips, and Emma immediately hooks her thumbs into his sweats and pulls them down as much as she can before he lifts his hips off the bed to help her out, kicking them off his ankles and onto the floor while she is busy kissing up his thigh, her hand running up his length, feeling the warm hardness in her palms.

“Emma,” Killian moans, voice gruntled. She smirks into his thigh and keeps her hand on his length.

“I am romancing you, Killian,” she promises against his lightning bolt scar before crawling up his body, peppering open mouthed kisses against the trail of his chest hair until she’s leaning over his mouth, her folds teasing him at their hips. “Like you do to me.”

“Darling - ”

“Your eyes, even blown black with desire like they are right now,” she whispers, circling her hips above him to lightly grind down, “are the most gorgeous blue I’ve ever seen.”

She touches his face then, running her fingers over his jaw. “I love your stubble, how it’s black with a little bit of red peppered in, and I love when you don’t shave for a few days and it’s full and just the right mix of soft and prickly. I love the way it feels when you rub it against my cheek in the mornings when you’re waking me up or how it feels against the inside of my thighs.”

She kisses his jaw, running her tongue behind her lips, and the grunt Killian makes curls as little bursts of fire down her spine.

“I love,” she says, running her hands down his biceps as she sits on his lap, right below where she knows he wants her, “the strength of your arms when you hold me, no matter what the occasion. And I love,” she moves her hands through the hair at his chest as Killian twitches beneath her touch, “this hair and how it pokes through the top of all of your shirts. I love the ways that your eyes crinkle when you’re truly smiling.”

I love that you love me enough to want to marry me, she thinks to herself before saying. “I love that you fight for me every day no matter the circumstances.”

She rises on her legs and scoots forward, guiding him to her entrance before slowly, slowly, slowly sinking down onto him. It’s a perfect fit. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, and Killian’s hands grapple for her hips, nails digging into skin. She doesn’t think he’s ever been this quiet for such a long period of time during sex.

“And mostly, at least for our purposes right now, what I love is the feeling of you inside me, thick and full and perfect.”

At that, she starts to move, rolling her hips against him, and it feels so goddamn good that her brief stint as the verbose one in the relationship has ended and Killian is the one to start muttering words of encouragement and curses that would have anyone blushing. She sets a slow, unhurried pace that she knows will draw out pleasure, but Killian doesn’t let her do that for long before he takes control of their movements, speeding up the pace as he thrusts up into her. She lets out a whimper as he hits the exact right spot, and Killian captures the next one with his mouth, kissing her like a man starved of affection and like it’s not ten in the morning.

Suddenly, Killian grabs her hips and rolls them over to change their position, his body encasing hers. He mutters a “bloody fuck” when she clenches her thighs to try to keep him from slipping out, and Emma throws her head back with laughter even if she shouldn’t.

Killian nips at her neck, but she can feel his smile too.

He must be able to tell that she’s getting close, rising higher and higher to her peak, because he releases her hips to grab her wrists, sliding his hands until their fingers are interlaced above her head. He tilts his hips so that his thrusts catch her clit.  Her breath hitches and her legs wrap around his backside, and Emma might actually melt. She thinks that she has. Her limbs are all jelly, and Killian isn’t much better above her.

This is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

There are a million things they should probably do today, but they never seem to move away from bed besides getting food from the kitchen. That’s what she’d been trying to do this morning when Killian distracted her, but she’s not going to complain. This is good and nice and Emma could wrap herself in these blankets and in Killian for the rest of time.

When she wakes later, it’s to the slap of a hand to her skin, and Emma immediately flinches and jolts up, blinking into the darkness.

“Ow, shit, Killian. What was that for?”

“I was just making sure you’re here,” he mumbles, voice groggy.

“By slapping me?”

“Killian,” a voice says, and Emma realizes that Killian is on the phone. He might not even realize he’s on the phone. “Killian are you there? “Killian, have you heard a single word I’ve said?”

Liam. He’s talking to Liam.

Holy shit. Why is Liam calling him in the middle of the night?

“I’ll be honest, no. I’m still mostly asleep.”

“Asleep my ass,” Emma mumbles before reaching over to put the call on speaker phone so she doesn’t have to keep straining her ears to hear him. Killian grumbles something, but she ignores him as she settles herself underneath his arm. “Liam, what’s wrong? Is everyone okay?”

“Elsa is in labor, and we sent all of our nannies home for the night. Can the two of you watch Alex for us?”

“Of course,” Emma sighs. “Bring him over when you guys leave, okay?”

“I will, lass. Thank you.”

“It’s not a problem,” Killian promises, finally waking up. “Congratulations, brother.” At that, the line goes dead, and Emma immediately moves to get out of bed only for Killian tugs her back into him. “Where do you think you’re going?”

Emma raises a brow and motions down to the distinct lack of clothes on both of their bodies. “I know Alex is about to have a sibling, which is definite proof of his parents having sex, but I don’t want to be the one to have to explain why his uncle was having a naked sleepover with me.”

“Really? You don’t want to explain sex to a toddler? Shocker.”

She huffs and leans forward to brush her lips over his forehead. “Congratulations on being an uncle again, babe.”

Emma hears his swallow as his head nods up and down in affirmation. “Thanks, love. Let’s go put on some clothes so we don’t scar the lad.”

-/-

-/-

The next chapter is technically the last official chapter. How is that even possible? Thank you all for coming along for this ride ❤️

tag list: @mrtinski​ @klynn-stormz​ @jonirobinson64​ @snowbellewells​ @therealstartraveller776​ @thejollyroger-writer​ @sherifemma​ @shardminds​ @captainsjedi​ @galaxyzxstark​ @galadriel26​ @idristardis​ @karenfrommisthaven​ @teamhook​ @spartanguard​ @searchingwardrobes​ @itsfabianadocarmo​ @owlways-and-forever​ @jamif​ @shireness-says​ @ultimiflos​ @nikkiemms​ @resident-of-storybrooke​ @onepunintendid​ @bluewildcatfanatic​ @397bartonstreet​ @killianswannn​ @carpedzem​ @captainkillianswanjones​ @mayquita​ @jennjenn615​ @onceuponaprincessworld​ @a-faekindagirl​ @scientificapricot​ @scarletslippers​ @xellewoods​ @ultraluckycatnd​ @stahlop​ @kmomof4​ @tiganasummertree​ @singersdd​ @captainswanbigbang​

[in-arlathan]

Elenara Lavellan

Elven rogue and archer, specialized as Artificer

Hunter of Clan Lavellan, Inquisitor and Comtesse of Kirkwall

Finally, I managed to update Elenara’s profile and biography. Yay me! I wanted to do this for the longest time. The first iteration of her biography was rather short and I have developed her character since then a lot more through little posts here on Tumblr and fanfiction. I didn’t even know how many head-canons I had for Elenara until I started writing this. This made it so much more fun (and challenging).

I hope you enjoy reading this, although I know this a big reference post for myself for the most part. If you wanna know more about my Lavvelan, you’ll more posts about her via her tag.

____

PROFILE

Full name: Elenara Lavellan Race: Dalish elf Class: Rogue, archer Specialization: Artificer Nationality: Free Marches Religion: Elven gods

Biometrics

Age: 32 (in 9:41 Dragon) Eye color: Green Hair color: Blonde Height: 1,55 m / 5,1 feet Weight: 43 kg / 86 pounds Vallaslin: Dirthamen Scars: Two facial scars (left eye, left side of her jaw), one on the lower back (from an arrow), two on the abdomen (from stab wounds).

____

CHARACTER TRAITS

Positive: Empathetic, patient, and open-minded. Negative: Too trusting, tends to avoid confrontations, prone to procrastination

Motivation and goals

Elenara is driven by the desire to understand–be it politics, history or people. She always looks for the why and goes out of her way to see the world from other people’s perspective. Her goal is to create a world in which the people of Thedas can learn to co-exist peacefully.

Strengths and weakness

Due to her empathetic traits, she is a good mediator and knows how to broker a deal between different parties. She can make everyone feel valued and appreciated and thus build strong alliances between parties that would otherwise be at odds with each other. This strength is also the source of her greatest weakness. Her trustworthiness and forgiveness can be exploited by different people. Oftentimes, Elenara will not know that she has been betrayed until it’s too late.

Special abilities

She is a hunter first and foremost, skilled with the bow as much as a blade. As a young woman, she would learn how to mend old armor and sow new clothing. Her talent with a needle became useful when patching up injured hunters in the absence of a healer or medical professional. She is used to closing her own wounds, even if they will leave a scar.

Dreams and aspirations

As a young girl, she would dream about going to visit the Grand Tourney. As she became older, she aspired to attending a university to further her studies and be up-to-par with human scholars.

Best friends and confidants

With the Lavellan clan: Deshanna, Erendir and Almaril With the Inquisition: Varric, Dorian and Cassandra

Likes, dislikes and other preferences

Loves roasted chestnuts

Likes to sleep in open fields

Enjoys being alone in the woods,

Can spend hours on end daydreaming

Despises human shoes, but has a nack for make-up. Lipstick, especially.

Red is her favourite color

Nicknames

While the faithful called her “Herald of Andraste”, she never took much liking to the title. She prefered the nicknames given to her by relatives and friends like Nara (used by members of her clan), Aunt Ell (by the children of her friend Erendir), as well as Inky or Boss. After the Exalted Council, Varric would start to call her “Comtesse”⎯an ironic reference to the informal title she owned thanks to him.

→ You’ll find her biography (plus screenshots) behind the cut.

____

BIOGRAPHY

Early years

Born in 9:09 Dragon as the daughter of the former First Hunter of the Lavellan clan, Elenara learned how to provide for herself and her kin at a very early age and became a fairly skilled archer. With a gift for crafts and needlework, she would often create new clothing or armor of her fellow hunters and help their healers tend to the wounded.

After the death of her father in 9:22 Dragon, she became fascinated with the lore and history of Thedas. More often than not, she would wander away from the camp to search for old ruins, until the keeper decided to provide Elenara with books to study instead. From then onward, the young hunter would craft new clothing to sell in the various cities in the Free Marches to pay for her education. 

When coming of age, she decided to have the vallaslin of Dirthamen, keeper of secrets, tattooed to her face, as she felt drawn to the past of her people and the secrets it might hold. At the age of 31, she was knowledgeable about history, politics and the culture of various nations, which made her the perfect candidate when it was time for the keeper to choose a clan member to witness the conclave at Haven.

Although she deeply cared for her clan, only a few members ever got close to Elenara after her father’s death. Her aunt Irileth, her father’s younger sister, took care of her but became estranged from her niece when Elenara had grown into a woman. From then on, Elenara spent most of her time with Erendir, a young hunter only three years older than her. She admired his kindness and practicality while he was fascinated with her curiosity. For a time, they maintained in intimate relationship, until Erendir asked her to be his wife and have children with him.

Joining the Inquisition

When she was asked to attend the Divine’s conclave in Haven, she was eager to go, but uncertain how she or her clan could benefit from the outcome of the mage-templar war. Using her knowledge of human society, she managed to blend in with the crowd at the Temple of Sacred Ashes.

Being a simple hunter beforehand, she was confused by the explosion at the conclave and its aftermath. When she saw the destruction the Breach caused in Haven, she agreed to help in the efforts to stop this madness. She was reluctant when it came to joining the Inquisition however. Being a firm believer in the elven pantheon, Elenara had no ties with the chantry. Being called “Herald of Andraste” felt like deception to her, and so she never actively claimed that title for herself. She ultimately agreed to help Cassandra, Leliana and Cullen to form the Inquisition to secure her own safety and play her part in closing the Breach.

Her biggest concern in the early days of the Inquisition was to save the refugees in the Hinterlands and other regions of Ferelden and protected them from rebel mages and rogue templars alike. Soon, she became known for her compassion and temperance among the Inquisition forces.

With her choice to side with the rebel mages at Redcliffe, Elenara gained a whole heap of enemies, but also new powerful allies.

Becoming Inquisitor

After the descruction of Haven, Elenara struggled with her new role as Inquisitor. Being a firm believer in the elven Creators, she never quite felt at ease with leading the armies of the faithful, and she kept her thoughts on the matter fairly secret. Although her confidants knew about her doubts, she played along with the diplomatic charade Leliana had set up. She knew all too well that this was the only way to stop Corypheus before he could cloak the world.

In the back of her head, she was trying to find a way to use her new power as leverage to help her people–the elves.

Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts

After ending the conflict in the Dales between the imperial forces and the so-called Freeman, it was time to prevent the assassination attempt on Empress Celene. Leliana, Josphine and Vivienne would teach Elenara in the rules of the Great Game in preparation, as well as dancing and ettiquette.

Upon arriving in Halamshiral, Elenara found herself in a state of true panic for the first time since she joined the Inquisition. Right there, in the heart of the Dales where her people once fought for their freedom, she came to realize that she was no longer studying history, but making it with her own hands. Being looked down upon from the Orlesian nobles didn’t do much to help her ease into the situation. She had no fondness for the great game of deception the Orlesians like to play, although she managed to find her way around the Winter Palace. It was painfully clear that there was more at stake than her own reputation. Not just for the Inquisition, but for the elves in general.

In the end, she managed to confront Florianne de Chalons in front of the imperial court, putting an end to her plan to kill the empress. Elenara also managed the reveal delicate details about Grand-Duke Gaspard’s plans to usurpe the throne, and Celene had her cousin executed in response. Elenara’s goal was to reconcile Celene with her former lover to give the elven rebel an edge in Orlesian politics, but the empress exiled Briala instead. Elenara had Leliana and her spies keep an eye out for Briala’s whereabouts since she, too, was interested in helping the elves of Thedas.

Relationship with Solas

As Inquisitor, Elenera used every chance she got to deepen her knowledge of the world. Naturally, she would gravitate towards Solas, who knew more about the history of the world than anyone else she had ever met. She was fascinated by his abilities as a dreamer and would often listen to the stories he had found during his exploration of the Fade. More than that, she saw in him what the elves might be: proud, confident, and respected. Soon, she found herself infatuated with him though keep this to herself until the Inquisition reached Skyhold. 

Even after their first kiss in the Fade, Elenara tried to keep her feelings for him fairly secret, meeting with Solas in private whenever possible. Afraid to admit that she had fallen in love with him, she tried to keep up the illusion of them being close friends in front of her companions. An endeavour that was destined to fail, as Varric and Dorian soon discovered the truth about the couple. And yet, Elenara stalled and put of saying “I love you” as long as possible – until one night by a lake near Crestwood.

More on her relationship with Solas here:

OTP Questions #1

OTP Questions #2

Death of the Lavellan clan

Shortly after the events at the Winter Palace, a messenger arrived with a terrible message. Bandits had attacked and killed the Lavellan clan. Any help from the Inquisition came too late.

After the death of her clan, Elenara was so devastated that she practically avoided any mention of them. She felt miserable and ashamed to have not been there to fight among them, and wouldn’t let Solas or any of her other companions comfort her. That was, until a few survivors arrived in the Frostback mountains. Among them were Erendir and his wife Almaril.

Happy to have them back in her life, Elenara offered them a place at Skyhold, but they refused. Almaril hated Elenara for joining the Inquisition while the clan had needed her, although she knew her friend had good reasons to stay in Haven. The bigger problem was Erendir, however. Although he had ended the relationship with Elenara at his own volition and went on to have children with Almaril, he didn’t fail to notice the attachment his former lover felt for Solas. Erendir had loved Elenara deeply and still regretted ending things between them, because she refused to have children with him. Seeing her with Solas, who was a better match for her than Erendir had ever been, made it even worse.

One night, he confronted Solas to learn more about the apostate‘s feelings for Elenara, eventually bragging about his shared past with her. Despite being tempted to teach the other elf a lesson, Solas left Erendir where he stood, determined to never speak of the matter again. When Elenara got wind of this, she felt betrayed and asked Erendir and Almaril to leave Skyhold. She made sure, however, that the Inquisition provided for them and the other surviving clan members before they parted ways.

Here Lies The Abyss & The Temple of Mythal

After the remaining members of the Lavellan clan left Skyhold, the Inquisition armies marched for Adamant Fortress. Interrupting the ritual with which the Grey Wardens would have summoned a demon army, Elenara and her party were attacked by Corphyeus’s lyrium dragon. Opening a rift, she managed to safe Warden Strout, Hawke and herself, as well as Solas, Cassandra and Dorian who had accompanied her on the mission.

After retrieving her memories and defeating the Nightmare, Elenara pressed on to stop Corypheus as soon as possible. After freeing Emprise the Lion from the red templars, she order a coordinated attack on the enemy troups in the Arbor Wilds.

Once again, she was accompanied by Solas, Cassandra, and Dorian as she entered the Temple of Mythal. Under differenty circumstances, finding the temple would be a life-long wish of hers fulfilled. Tempted to stay and study the ancient relief in the temple to learn as much about the past of her people, only the immediate danger of Corypheus taking the power of the Well of Sorrows let her press on.

Elenara sided with the Sentinels to bring down the red templars that attacked the ancient temple. Afraid of the power of the Well and what might do it with her, Elenara decided to let Morrigan drink from the waters and be bound to Mythal’s will.

When she ventured deeper into the Arbor Wilds to find the altar of the Mythal, Elenara had already begun to suspect that something was wrong. Until then, her belief in the elven gods had been unfaltering, but knowing that the All-Mother still lived and had chosen to ignore the plight of her people made her question their authority. Had she been unsure if she could continue her life as a Dalish elf and came to except that she had to become some else entirely.

The Vallaslin Removal

When Solas told her about the true meaning of the vallaslin, Elenara was deeply hurt. Though she had taken some pride in being Dalish and loved her people for trying to preserve elven history, she was disappointed by the elven Creators by this point that she wanted to leave her past and devotion for them behind. Therefore, she allowed Solas to take the vallaslin from her.

The Battle With Corypheus And After

Rattled by the events at the Temple of Mythal and the break-up with Solas, Elenara dove head first into the final confrontation with Corypheus, not hesitating to face the Tevinter magister in the Valley of Sacred Ashes. Fully prepared to die in battle, she fights her nemesis with brute force. When she finally obtained the orb from Corypheus’s hands, she banished the magister to the Fade without batting an eyelide. It was the first time, she came into contact with her darker side and gave in to her own lust for revenge.

After the battle and Solas disappearance, she began to feel exhausted, drained from the struggles. Slowly, she descended into a state of depression. Not only had she lost her clan, but also her home, her faith in the Creators and her identity, as well as the man she had come to love. Knowing all to well that it would be best for her to move on and find new purpose in live, she clung to her former life and couldn’t stop loving Solas. To distract herself, she took on the mission of finding the resting place of Inquistor Ameridan and was eager to help out with the earthquakes in the Deep Roads. Until...

The Exalted Council and the Qunari Invasion

Two years after the destruction of Haven, Cassandra, now known as Divine Victoria, called for an Exalted Council in Halamshiral. Returning to the city in which she had fought so hard to gain the respect of the Orlesian nobles – and humans in general – Elenara final came to the conclusion that in it was time to move on. She had felt lost for too long know and it was taking a toll on her. So, when the time came to meet with the ambassadors of Ferelden and Orlais, she fully expected the negotiations to result the the disbanding of the Inquisition.

And yet, when a qunari corpse was found in the middle of the Winter Palace, she felt that sense of purpse again. Dealing with the threat that the qunari posed gave her something to do, something she was actually good at. Even when the anchor was beginning to effect her health, she kept on going, determined to make herself useful again.

What she didn’t expect was to find out that Fen’Harel, the Dread Wolf, was orchestrating the events from behind the scenes. With what she had learned about Mythal, Elenara was willing to believe that Fen’Harel was a living and breathing entity, too. When she learned that Solas was the trickster god she learned to fear as a child, her world was shattered once again. Not even once did she consider joining him, for she had fought to hard to protect the world as she knew it. Even without a purpose and without a new identity that transcended her role as Inquisitor, she knew she could not let Solas go forth with his plans, no matter how much she still loved him.

After the Exalted Council

Learning that the Inquisition has been compromised by qunari spies and Fen’Harel’s agents, she executed her initial plan of disbanding the entire organization as soon as she and her party returned to the Winter Palace.

With the Inquisition gone, Elenara found herself free to go wherever she wanted. Now holding the title “Countess” in Kirkwall, she returned to the Free Marches and tried to settle in to her new estate in Hightown while corresponding with Cassandra, Dorian, Cullen and Leliana to coordinate the activities to counter Solas’s plan. She felt confident working from underground and plotting to redeem her former lover.

Six months after the painful revelation of Solas being Fen’Harel and Elenera’s fruitless attempts to learn more about her lovers whereabouts, she called in a few favors and went to Val Royeaux to attend the University of Orlais–one of the first elves to ever do so. The university gave her access to ancient documents with which she planned to further her studies on Fen’Harel, while her presence allowed elves to pursue an academic career more openly. Elenara fought for their rights for higher education, using her reputation as Inquisitor and “Herald of Andraste” as well as her acquaintance with Professor Kenric as leverage. 

And there she remains, until she finds a way to change the Dread Wolf’s heart or counter his plan to destroy the world.

[thedreideldiaries]

Hey, friends! I thought I’d take this opportunity to expound in my political choices a bit - specifically to give some context for my choice of Sanders over Warren. Note for a few of my followers who know me elsewhere: this is copied over from other social media, so if it sounds familiar that is why.

First, I want to reiterate that I like Warren. So, if anyone reading this is torn between her and any of the other clowns who have thrown their sorry hats into the ring, then please: do me and the rest of the world a favor, stop reading this right now, and go ahead and give Warren your vote. I won’t be mad. Promise. If you’re on the fence between Warren and Sanders, though, then I implore you to read on.

Okay, is it just us in here? Cool.

For my friends torn between Warren and Sanders (like I was at the beginning of the primary), I’ve tried to distill my reasoning. As you know, a lot of the discourse surrounding Warren’s campaign constructs her as a younger, female version of Sanders. If I believed that, I’d be solidly in her corner, but a few differences between them make this simply not the case. Here are the ones I find most salient:

1. Let’s look at Bernie’s base. As much as we love to talk about representation in politics, a candidate’s demographic background tells us nothing about who they’re going to fight for. Their voting base, on the other hand, tells you who has placed their confidence in that candidate’s promises.

A good proportion of Warren’s supporters are white college graduates (young and old).

By contrast Bernie’s base is overwhelmingly working class, non-white, urban, and, perhaps most tellingly, young. You could attribute that to naivete, but I think something else is going on here: the demographic group with the most to win or lose from this election are people under 30. We’re the ones who will have to live with the most devastating effects of climate change, and we’re tired of the so-called adults in our lives not taking that rather pressing concern seriously. We don’t care if our candidate is old or young - we care if they listen. Which brings me to:

2. The Youth. Young people in America are disillusioned with democracy - not because we’ve decided it’s not a good idea, but because we’ve literally never seen it in action. We live in a corporate plutocracy where the financial barriers to running for office have rendered most politicians ridiculously out of touch. And Sanders, more than any other candidate in the primary, knows how to talk to young people.

And look - I’m planning to vote for whoever wins the primary. But if 2016 is anything to go by, if the youth demographic doesn’t get a candidate they can get behind, they won’t vote strategically for the lesser of two evils. They’ll stay home, and given what the Democratic party has done for them over the past 20 or so years, I can’t say I blame them.

3. The same goes for his endorsements. I’d be out of my lane if I spent too much time talking about what Sanders wants to do for people of color, but I think it’s telling that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, and Ilhan Omar - three politicians showing real determination to shake things up in Washington - all chose Bernie over Warren. I think it’s telling that AOC cited his campaign, not Warren’s, as her inspiration for running for office (if anyone’s a female Sanders, it’s not Warren - it’s AOC).

4. Sanders is, quite simply, the genuine article. He’s fought for important causes (climate justice, healthcare, workers’ rights) since long before they were cool. He’s *not* perfect, but criticisms of him rarely touch his political history.

Warren’s record of activism is, by contrast, unimpressive. She used to be a Republican corporate lawyer, and while I absolutely respect that someone can change their mind about politics, and I applaud her for doing so, it worries me that what changed her mind wasn’t the Iran-Contra scandal, or the AIDS crisis, or the brutal crushing of the labor movement. It was the realization that Republicans were doing capitalism wrong. I can’t exactly argue with that (show me a Republican politician who truly supports a free market and I’ll eat my beret*), but it doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.

*This is a joke. I do not have a beret.

5. Warren’s a capitalist; Sanders is a democratic socialist, and I think the difference is important. Warren supports a wealth tax, and she wants everyone to have healthcare, and I appreciate that she has the guts to talk about those things on national television, but at the end of the day, she’s a proud capitalist who believes the system needs to be corrected, not overhauled.

Sanders is a self-professed democratic socialist, and has built a popular movement around that label. And honestly, I’m not too worried about redbaiting. Yes, it’s a common Republican tactic, but the sentiment of “yes I would vote for Democrats but not for Socialist democrats” is a rare one, if it exists at all. And if it works against any of the primary candidates, it’ll work against all of them. They used anti-Commmunist rhetoric against Obama, for goodness’ sake. Look how much of an advocate for the working class he turned out to be.

Courting the centrist vote is a waste of time. Tiptoeing around conservatives alienates left-wingers and doesn’t actually sway Republicans. It’s a bad move strategically, in that it makes us look like cowards, and morally, because it means not getting very important things done.

Sanders doesn’t want to play the game better. He wants to start a whole new game. Warren’s economics platform seems to boil down to “50s but less racist,” and while that sounds nice, it’s just not possible. We can’t go back there - we have automation now, not to mention a global economy the likes of which we barely dreamed of in the 1950s, and it’s not realistic to try to make that happen again. We need something new.

6. People over party. In a lot of ways, Warren reminds me of the best parts of The West Wing. I like that show, but it was a comforting fantasy - a vision of what the Democratic Party could have been like with a little more gumption and a lot more luck. It never happened because the Democratic party and politics aren’t like that in real life. I have confidence in Sanders because his loyalty isn’t to the Democratic Party. It’s to the American people. He’s proved that over and over again over the course of his political career.

7. Bernie is an organizer. The “not me - us” slogan is very telling. Democracy is participatory. We don’t just need a candidate with a plan to fix everything. We need a candidate with a plan who acknowledges that the people hold the real power. We need a candidate who respects the will of the people and inspires them to get involved. We can’t win this election and stop thinking about politics. We never get to stop thinking about politics. We need someone who can inspire people to keep fighting.

The heart attack was a big deal, but the truth is, it’s never been about Bernie as an individual. His immediate reaction after getting out of the hospital was “I’m lucky to have healthcare; everyone should have healthcare; let’s get back to work.” That, more than anything, has given me the confidence that Bernie wants his policies to last long after he’s gone.

Also, people regularly have heart attacks and live another several decades. This is *literally* why we have vice presidents. If Sanders can get elected and pick a good VP and a cabinet (plus, you know, fill any Supreme Court vacancies that happen to arise over his tenure), his health won’t matter as much, because we don’t need a messiah right now. We need a resurgence of participatory democracy. We need more AOCs to take the stage. We need young people at the polls, not just in 2020, but beyond that.

8. I don’t like to talk about electability for a couple of reasons. One: centrists love to bring it up, usually in the service of talking about how policies they have zero stake in will never work. Two: Trump was supposed to be unelectable, and we all saw how that turned out.

That said: Warren’s currently polling third, which is not a great place to be. And while I don’t share some people’s cynicism about Warren, I have to agree that her response to Trump’s attacks has not impressed me. I’m confident that if Trump attacks Sanders, Bernie won’t take the bait, because he’s so on-message you can’t get him off-message. Like I said: he had a heart attack and immediately spun it back into the healthcare conversation.

And the polls are clear: head to head, Sanders beats Trump. Warren’s chances are far dicier.

9. And the most important issue, without which nothing else really matters: the climate crisis. I’d love it if we could wait for the country’s ideas to catch up to Sanders’ socialist rhetoric, but the truth is we are running out of time. I’m voting for Sanders because I have two nieces under 5 years old and a nephew who was just born, and I want them to grow up on a habitable planet, and they won’t get a chance to vote on that. I’m doing it because I want to have kids of my own someday, and while I absolutely respect the choice of anyone deciding to reproduce right now, I don’t have the emotional energy to raise a family during an apocalypse. And while I like Warren, and she’s expressed support for a Green New Deal, Sanders is the only candidate I trust to both beat Trump in the general and put his foot down to the DNC and their ilk.

10. Foreign policy!

First of all: guess who else hates American Imperialism? That’s right; it’s Bernie Sanders. Significantly, he has the guts to bring up America’s habit of meddling in Latin America’s democratically elected governments, which is something you pretty much never hear about from pretty much any other candidate.

https://www.vox.com/2019/6/25/18744458/bernie-sanders-endless-wars-foreign-affairs-op-ed

Foreign policy came up a lot during 2016 primary, with Clinton’s supporters trotting out the bizarre argument that a long history of hawkish policies is better than no policies at all. What with all that, I was surprised to learn that Sanders is actually quite well-traveled and has a long history of trying to mend fences between the U.S. and other world powers: https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/02/bernie-sanders-foreign-policy/470019/

When it comes to climate change and foreign policy, Sanders acknowledges not only that it requires innovation (let’s not forget his early and vehement support for the Green New Deal), but also international cooperation. From the link below:

“To both Sanders and his supporters around the world, it is impossible to fight climate change without international cooperation. To that end, a group called the Progressive International was announced at a convention last year held by the Sanders Institute, a think tank founded by the presidential contender’s wife and son.

“The network of left-wing politicians and activists hopes to fight against "the global war being waged against workers, against our environment, against democracy, against decency,” according to its website.”

He’s also popular with left-wing leaders around the world, and it’s those kinds of politicians who we need to get us out of the climate crisis.

https://www.politico.com/story/2019/04/04/bernie-sanders-global-popularity-1254929

And finally, to stray briefly into comparison: again, I like Warren, but even so, I like her better domestically than internationally. The progressivism she touts at home comes up short abroad. I’m sure you’ve heard about it already, but I think it’s worth remembering that Warren voted for Trump’s military budget in 2017; Sanders didn’t. She talks a lot about peace, but her history on foreign issues looks pretty similar to that of other centrist democrats. This is a problem not only in terms of American Imperialism, but also because the U.S. military is one of the world’s leading causes of climate change. Her voting history and her cozy relationship with defense contractors have me pretty worried. This article goes into more detail about her history with various foreign powers as well as her general attitudes on American imperialism:

https://jacobinmag.com/2019/05/elizabeth-warren-foreign-policy

We all pretty much knew what we were getting with Clinton. Warren worries me not only because she seems to align with the rest of the party on our endless foreign wars, but because she keeps her support for the military-industrial complex behind a facade of progressive rhetoric that reminds me of the early Obama years. We can’t be let down like that again. Even if we ignore the devastating human cost, the planet doesn’t have time.

Further Reading - obviously I don’t agree with everything in every one of these pieces, but they offer a leftist critique that often goes missing from other, more superficial problems people bring up about Warren.

The polling bases of the primary candidates: https://www.people-press.org/2019/08/16/most-democrats-are-excited-by-several-2020-candidates-not-just-their-top-choice/pp_2019-08-16_2020-democratic-candidates_0-06/?fbclid=IwAR2G8np2q9N4P6DArdI-gPhA5Wp_SYDZPKQDpDhxVZ4YbwnAEmFd65swMOA

An interesting take on Warren’s policies vs Bernie’s movement: https://jacobinmag.com/2019/04/elizabeth-warren-policy-bernie-sanders-presidential-primary?fbclid=IwAR14wWjYDNuNMrXN7YjVFFFHXmoMWKpDVqBcbPBlQUUrA354iIyRAbKXG30

An opinion piece on the contrast between them:

https://www.jacobinmag.com/2019/08/bernie-sanders-elizabeth-warren-democratic-party-elite-2020-presidential-race?fbclid=IwAR3vA54QveM2cCTxQ2BbVXh_IICgTxweKVBLMRjhSFyyAdspnibJ50seDjY

Another one:

https://forward.com/opinion/432561/the-case-for-bernie-sanders-the-only-real-progressive-in-the-race-sorry/?fbclid=IwAR1vwONZ7azJQcoeo_KYNYiJ8ekzHhJsZ4Ms0UzDHI59j7Q6oio-5uJOGcI

Warren’s political history:

More about that from a different source:

https://www.currentaffairs.org/2019/10/why-criticize-warren?fbclid=IwAR0NTP0cRbSnr-a6HCuxE-4SCJZEqU2EAL1Gnx70FME-9UMBg-xYE5t7g7Y

A prequel to the former (beware - this one’s scathing as heck):

https://www.currentaffairs.org/2019/09/the-prospect-of-an-elizabeth-warren-nomination-should-be-very-worrying?fbclid=IwAR03d5I5j72s4kQC9wgRSrXnbmWsp_9HUvRWBZwzcfsT9RsZP-lSAX4aPz0

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Your post on Bernie has me a little confused. Do you consider yourself a strict democrat, leftist, socialist or anything else? To me at least, it seems odd that you dislike Bernie for not being an “actual democrate” when Clinton is pretty right wing.

So I dislike boxes. They’re restrictive. I vote for who I like in terms of policy and who I think will perform best once in office. I’m a democrat, sure. I have leftist ideals but a realistic/pragmatic approach to things. I understand that we all wish to burn things down but that’s not how things work sadly. So let’s be realistic about getting shit done. Guillotine memes don’t feed the starving and they don’t end white supremacy. I’m a uh, let’s call it a north american socialist (no one running is an actual, by the books, definition of socialist, but that’s neither here nor there). 

Since people on this site apparently need to dissect my political beliefs, here you go: 

I believe we should have free healthcare; I believe that university education should be heavily subsidized (free would be great, but let’s start with at least making it subsidized and work from there); I think we should have universal basic income; I believe we should spend more on public infrastructure because our roads and bridges are falling apart; I believe we should have accessible, reliable public transit and an improved public transit network that works at municipal, state and national levels; I believe election days should be national holidays so everyone can vote; I believe gerrymandering is a curse upon our democratic system; I believe that we should spend more on public education at a K-12 level; I believe in subsidized and/or free after school care especially for the economically struggling; I believe we should have stronger anti-hate crime laws; I believe dental and mental health care should be covered anytime we talk about health care coverage; I believe in reparations; I believe we should start our own Truth and Reconciliation process for both slavery and the genocide against the Native Americans; I believe that we should try and address class and wealth disparity but that won’t solve racism, sexism, homophobia etc.; I believe we need electoral reform; I believe we need to do more for climate change but that the Green New Deal is empty in terms of actual things to implement in terms of policy - anyway those who wrote it admitted it was more of an economic plan than a climate one; I believe we need to tax the wealthy including all those pesky millionaires with three houses and wives who were investigated for tax fraud as well as the billionaires — 

I can go on. 

Of those running I currently like Castro, Harris, Warren. I really wish Stacy Abrams was running but she’s not. I think she’d be the best. I’m not a fan of Biden, Sanders, Gabbard (I mean, can we really call her a democrat?), Steyer, Yang. I’m neutral on Mayor Pete, Klobuchar, and Booker. I don’t know if that clarifies anything for you. Also, this is liable to change as we move forward through the primaries. 

And Clinton isn’t right wing. Calling her that continues the lie that she and the GOP are two sides/same coin which isn’t true. It’s a harmful position to perpetuate. There’s been a ton of stuff written on that so I’m not going to put it all in here. But I recommend starting with an analysis of her voting record - it’s on point with Sanders, if that’s your bar, on almost everything with some differences, the notable ones being Iraq (she was for, he was against) and gun control (she is for, he is generally against - his record is really dodgy on that).

I believe all politicians are up for grabs when it comes to legitimate critiques. But there’s a difference in saying “I disagree with her arguments for why she voted for Iraq” and calling her right wing. One is a legitimate critique, the other is hyperbolic and untrue. I also believe in understanding the context of the time in which many policy decisions were made. She, and Sanders, have been in politics for over 20 years. There are going to be decisions made in 1992 that we can look back on and go: Oh boy that was Yikes. But at the time, that wouldn’t have been so clear cut. No one has all the answers. No one is perfect. Purity politics isn’t the solution to our social ills. 

Anyway, some things HRC has supported, or accomplished, includes but is not limited to: 

The ACA - which was huge at the time. I cannot emphasize this enough. It was Ground Breaking. I think younger folk either don’t remember, or aren’t aware, of what a game changer this was. Indeed, it’s because of the ACA that the many Americans are even open to the conversation around medicare for all/any sort of more socialist health coverage. 

On a personal note, as a child of a single, poor working mom in the 90s this is the reason I had any sort of healthcare. Without it, we’d have been fucked. 

This is also one of the things that sent the GOP into a fucking TIZZY about HRC and why they started their 30 year long smear campaign against her which has influenced a lot of the more recent leftist rhetoric on her. 

Indeed, she was an early leader in expanding healthcare coverage in the early 90s and continued to be throughout her career. 

Leadership with SCHIP which which expanded health coverage to millions of lower-income children. 

I know we all wish we could have Instant Health Care For All but small steps is how you get these things. It’s incredibly complicated and difficult to set up health care systems and programs. They’re large, they become unwieldly, they’re expensive to fund, and they’re difficult to pass through congress. It’s useful to be able to point to precedents. 

She founded the Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families

Supported and championed the Violence Against Women Act

Adoption and Safe Families Act (she was a supporter of it and helped champion it through) 

One of the leaders of the development of the Lilly Ledbetter Pay Equity Act 

Supported the Pediatric Research Equity Act - improving health and pharmaceutical access for children 

START treaty - an attempt to begin regulating the amount of nukes Russia and the US have which, even if one wishes we could snap fingers and get rid of them all, one must admit isn’t a bad thing. 

Negotiated ceasefire between Hamas and Israel in 2012 - again, regardless of views on Israel, Hamas and Palestine - having people stop fighting for a time isn’t a bad thing. The hope was it would lead to more productive, long term peace talks etc. but that sadly didn’t pan out. 

Copenhagen Climate Change Accord - one of the chief negotiators 

Etc. etc. she has 25 years of things to list but none of these things are right wing. One can disagree with her foreign policy approach, or think she didn’t push hard enough on health care, or that she came late to the table on LGBTQ issues, but that doesn’t make her right wing. I have right winger-s in the family and they’d all love to see Clinton dead. I know what the right wing looks like and it’s not her. 

Things she supports that make actual, real right wing people (like my great grandfather and my uncle’s sister) hate her: 

She supports and advocates for two weeks of paid family and medical leave at a minimum of 2/3s wage replacement rate 

She supports expanding social security 

You know, she believes in climate change and has worked to reduce carbon emissions, pushed for climate change accords, encouraged renewable energy, and ending tax subsidies for oil companies

clearly things a right wing person would do /sorry sarcasm I just can’t take it too seriously when people call her right wing

She supports immigration reform with full path to citizenship 

She supports the naturalization of around 9 million lawful permanent residents in the United States who are eligible to become U.S. citizens

She’s pro-choice and believes abortion is basic health care

Sorry how do people think she’s right wing again? 

She supports making it illegal for pharmacists to refuse to provide access to emergency contraception

When she was Sec. of State she wanted the US to join the United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities

She supports the Disability Integration Act, which requires states and insurance companies to provide people with disabilities who need long term care the choice to receive care at home instead of solely in institutions and nursing facilities

She’s obviously pro-gun control and was the first candidate in 2016 to produce an extensive position paper on guns and gun violence

She supports voting rights and advocates for changes in national voter access laws, including automatically registering American citizens to vote at age 18 and mandating 20 days of early voting in all states

She has criticized laws passed by Republican-controlled state legislatures that do not permit student IDs at polling places, place limits on early voting, and eliminate same-day voter registration

She had one of the most thorough mental health care plans that I have ever seen in a presidential nominee. 

It goes on. I again - I don’t get how people can look at this and think her right wing. I sure don’t agree with everything she’s done and every position she’s taken, but she’s not right wing. Good lord my people. 

There’s a lot many people have to thank her for and they’re unaware of it. Tumblr and twitter aren’t ideal places to form and consume political points. 

As a note, I work in the civil service in Canada (am a dual citizen), I’m very familiar with how large socialized programs work and how difficult it is to implement them. There are never any quick and clean solutions. 

And on that note - I’m done for the time being. I hope this answers your question. 

Required civic duty reminder: Everyone vote in the primaries and vote in 2020. Also - no politician is perfect, no politician is going to align 100% with your views and nor should they because you know, we live in a democracy. Do your homework, get off of tumblr and twitter, and make sure you vote! 

[phroyd]

A FEW DAYS AGO, I shared what I thought was a fairly innocuous observation about a fundamental difference between Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Warren spends most of her campaign unpacking and explaining detailed policy proposals, many of them excellent, while Sanders splits his emphasis between his own strong plans and his calls for the political revolution he has consistently said will be required for any substantive progressive policy wins.

“Smart policies are very important,” I tweeted. “But we don’t lose because we lack smart policies, we lose because we lack sufficient power to win those policies up against entrenched elite forces that will do anything to defeat us.”

Within seconds, I was in the grip of a full-on 2016 primary flashback. I was accused of being a shill for Bernie and an enemy of Warren (I’m neither). My feed filled up with partisans of both candidates hurling insults at each other: She gets things done, he is all talk; she’s a pretender, he’s the real deal; he has a gender problem, hers is with race; she’s in the pocket of the arms industry, he’s an easy mark for Donald Trump; he should back her because she’s a woman, she should back him because he started this wave. And much more too venal to mention.

I immediately regretted saying anything (as is so often the case on that godforsaken platform). Not because the point about outside movement power is unimportant, but because I had been trying to put off getting sucked into the 2020 horserace for as long as possible.

Liberals in the U.S. often say the Trump presidency is Not Normal. And yeah, it’s a killer-clown horror show. But the truth is that from most outsider perspectives, there is nothing about U.S. politics that is normal — particularly the interminable length of campaigns. Normal countries have federal elections that consume two, maybe three months of people’s political lives once every four to five years; Canada caps federal campaigns at 50 days, Japan at 12. In the U.S., on the other hand, there’s a total of about nine months in every four-year cycle when politics is not consumed by either a presidential or midterm horserace.

The very last thing we need is for the two strongest left/progressive candidates and their supporters to tear each other apart for the next eight months.

It’s a spectacle that comes at a steep price. The relentless process of picking electoral winners sucks up intellectual energy, media airtime, movement muscle, and boatloads of money that are badly needed elsewhere. Like organizing to stop war with Iran, for instance. Or supporting movements trying to free migrants from Trump’s concentration camps. Or figuring out what a transformative Green New Deal should look like on the ground. Or building international alliances with people in countries facing their own hate-filled authoritarian strongmen.

There’s another reason to resist attempts to turn Sanders vs. Warren into a redux of the 2016 primaries eight months before the first vote is cast. Today’s electoral dynamics are absolutely nothing like 2016. That was a two-way race between two candidates with radically different records and ideas, in which one candidate’s gain really was the other’s loss. A winner-takes-all race like that pretty much always turns into some kind of death match.

These primaries are another species entirely. There is a small army of candidates, with two of the leaders running on platforms so far to the left, they would have been unimaginable for anyone but a protest candidate as recently as 2014. The frontrunner, meanwhile, is eminently beatable (especially if Joe Biden keeps showing us exactly who he is, as he did about six times this week).

All this means that for leftists and progressives, the name of the game is not canceling out each other’s candidates. It’s doing everything possible not to end up with a Wall Street-funded centrist running against a president with the power of incumbency. That means making the case against the idea that candidates positioning themselves as the “safe choice” are in any way safe, whether at the polls or once in office. And it means helping to bring more and more people to one of the genuinely progressive frontrunners. There’s plenty of time to worry about vote-spitting down the road — the task now is to enlarge the number of votes available to be split (or combined).

Because Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was absolutely right when she said on ABC’s “This Week,” “We have a very real risk of losing the presidency to Donald Trump if we don’t have a presidential candidate that’s fighting for true transformational change in lives of working people in the United States.”

That was clear on the morning of November 9, 2016. In case more proof is required, see the recent devastating elections in India and Australia, where right-wing incumbents won despite predictions to the contrary, as well as the results of the European parliament vote, most notably in France and Italy, where the far right has surged. Again and again, we learn the same lesson: Tepid centrists carrying the baggage of decades of neoliberal suffering are no match for machineries of scapegoating willing to stop at nothing to win. Luca Casarini, a longtime Italian activist who now works on an Italian ship that has rescued dozens of migrants in the Mediterranean, recently put it to me in these harrowing terms: “There is pleasure being taken in the suffering of others. That is what these politicians are selling.”

Even on the off chance that Biden did manage to pull off a Macron and win (which he’s about 35 years too old for), there is the problem of what he would (and wouldn’t) do once in power. “No one’s standard of living will change. Nothing would fundamentally change,” he told a swanky fundraiser at the Carlyle Hotel — a philosophy he helpfully reiterated, for those at the back: “You beat them. Without changing the system.”

Read More

Phroyd

[dahniwitchoflight]

minor AU Completion of the Beta Kid’s Animal Symbolism

so something I’ve always thought about and wondered about, I wanna talk about for a bit, now that homestuck’s over and I’m rereading it going through the story

all of the beta kids throughout the story have unique animal related symbolism, that eventually ties into delving into greater parts of their characters, exploring even what you might consider the “darker side” to their characters, sometimes to the point of representing their inverted states/jungian shadow selves nicely tied into the idea of “lower bestial natures” being at odds with their true human natures

and these culminate and get fully cashed in by tragic/failed alternate versions of each beta kid that gets somehow mixed with their respective animal (usually through sprite shenanigans) and ends up in some way dealing with their inner issues a bit

Jade’s Dreamself (who was always very silly and prone be overemtional) dies under prospit’s moon, gets stuffed, and later resurrected as a JadeBecsprite who represents Jade’s inner tragic emotional states

Dave gets trapped in an alternate timeline with Rose, but then goes back in time after learning the ins and outs of the game, only to sec prototype as Davesprite and earn wings, and then forevers deals with the depression and aftermath of never being “Alpha” Dave ever again

Rose eventually dies in a pre retcon timeline fighting the condesce, and her corpse is thrown into Roxy’s sprite post retcon, which then merges with Jaspersprite to make Jasprosesprite^2 and which post retcon Rose is herself embarrassed by the inner revelations revealed by this character, who has itself lost all inhibitions due to the animal prototyping

but John never really gets anything of the sort, but in reality, there was a GREAT opportunity for him to have something like this happen to him, early on in the story, that doesn’t actually change much of the story at all

so this is kind of a “what if this had happened instead?” minor AU where some minor details were a little different

because the animal candidate I’m thinking of that could have had something to do with John personally in the above way, already has a great setup for this: none of its own character/personality/dialogue as it was just a programmed toy robot, minimal invasion into the plot (and most only in regards to John’s Dad related things), viewed John as it’s sole master and had a nice clean death via Green Sun explosion in Cascade

and that is the Uber Bunny Robot known as Liv Tyler

and the alternate version John candidate I’m thinking of is the John that got tricked by Terezi into facing Typheus too early and getting killed by him, causing the doomed timeline where Davesprite is from

this John also has a great setup for this, because at first we get exactly 5 or so pages describing what went down in the Doomed timeline, and all of it from Dave and Rose’s perspective, we know nothing of what really happened in that John Typheus encounter, other than “John died and thus was unavailable to help Jade enter the game”, we also get a little bit more later, when we see the Ghost of this John have a chat with a dead version of Vriska much much later in the story. John says there was more to his death than he let on, he died, but not in a fight with his denizen, because he spoke with Typheus, and knew that his death was necessary for his friends to live on, he made his Choice to die, for the sake of the timeline

and because this alternate John and Liv Tyler have a huge chunk of symbolism in common, all of which ties directly back to John, and more specifically, John’s opposite aspect Blood

the first is, the same Liv Tyler Bunny plush was given to John by all three of his friend’s on his same birthday through time shenanigans

Dave gives him the original plush rabbit, which is the actual original rabbit from the one nic cage movie john really loves, when John ecto’s all the babies, he dramatically re-enacts the con air nic cage scene from that movie (reunite with your loving wife and daughter) and gives the rabbit to Rose

Rose in this reality grows up with the rabbit as her own sentimental youthful object, its old and torn growing up with her, so she knits it back together using the needles that John gifted to her and gives it to John on his birthday

John then gives this rabbit to Baby Jade in the same reunite with loving wife and daughter scene

and finally, Jade with her then alt universe penpal Jake, send it back and forth, making robotic upgrades and enhancements and equipping it with all kinds of awesome gear:  the Warhammer Of Zillyhoo, the Quills of Echidna, the Royal Deringer, and Ahab's Crosshairs, which match the Strife Specibi of the beta kids. She does this because she foresaw John would be in danger and wanted to send something to help him fight

this rabbit is the literal embodiment of Johns strongest friendship bonds 3 times over, the literal physical manifestation of his Blood

and then Typheus!John is only able to get to Typheus because Terezi through Sollux helped him removed the 3 random objects stuck in his rocket, 3 random objects, that just so happen to be object that appear in Dave’s, Rose’s and Jade’s houses: a cinderblock, a violin and a potted plant

so again, a connection to John’s connection to all 3 of his friends

now here’s where the AU kicks in:

John is still tricked into meeting his denizen early, preserving the timeline with Davesprite and whatnot, however his choice to die to preserve the reality where his friends continue to exist has another part to it

Not only does Typheus allow him to choose to become a ghost to preserve the alpha timeline, but also gives John a sort of challenge, with a potential boon at the end

If John as a ghost can break out of his extra hard dream bubble coma, break out of his memories, remember the choice he made to help save his friends/the timeline, he may be allowed to manifest in a different physical form instead, in order to continue helping his friends/his new alpha self survive the game

all the panels where dead Vriska meets him and helps him to jog his usually hard to jog memory compared to the other ghosts still happen, but the ending is different, because of the extra challenge/boon Typheus gave him. When John remembers fully, he remembers the boon Typheus left him/how to use it, probably something like, a one use portal window thing that transports his ghost back into the physical realm, so he’s kinda in the same state Aradia was as a ghost in Alternia

so he finds somewhere where the uber bun exists, some point before it actually gets to his dreamself on prospit (doesn’t actually matter where)

and then it’s revealed after the fact, that everything Liv Tyler did upon activation at Prospit was actually the choices made by this alternate universe dead spirit version of John

it’s viable because as a robot made by Jade and Jake, it has the ability to potentially house a soul/life, just like Jade’s dreambot for her dreamself (or again, earth version of the tech that Equius made for Aradia, lot of weird Aradia parallels here, but that really only helps this AU) and something that helps is that the bun likely wasn’t built with any way to naturally communicate, no pesterchum in it like lil hal, nor a voicebox, again making a connection to this being a John which has to internally deal with/overcome that he is no longer the “important” John, but this time he’s simultaneously back with all of his friends, and cut off from them at the same time, similar to Davesprite, but also in a having no mouth and must scream kind of way (relating to symbolism of Breath = Speech/communication/mail) being the opposite of his natural element, in an unhealthy place, similar in situation to how Lil Hal was an A.I.  copy of Dirk, a heartless version of a heart player/out of their natural element and having to deal with that negative environmental influence

and it helps explain the few things that Liv Tyler seem to do with no direction, like help get Dad’s wallet containing the tumor (which a John would have recognized as his dad’s and picked up anyway) and getting to Dave Rose and helping them (when it’s stated Liv Tyler was supposed to view John and only John as his master, specifically built that way by Jade for that purpose, to protect John)

the package hes in goes through it’s shenanigans like usual, one minor change could be instead of Jack Noir wielding the bunny against the black queen to get her ring in rebellion, he could simply use one of the many regiswords/assassination requests he apparently gives out like candy, like the one he gave to PM, and the bun merely stays in the box until it’s delivered to PM and then John himself and Bun!John recognizes John and becomes his protector

but then you could just make the point in time that Alt!John merges with the bun the point where Liv Tyler’s allegiances switch to helping John from Jack Noir, so the above is just moot anyway

he stays with John for awhile, then fulfills his major mission in helping get the tumor to Rose and Dave and help them to survive/god tier in the correct time and place/again preserve the timeline, fulfilling the idea of him wanting to come back for the purpose of wanting to keep his friends safe/putting his bonds above his own internal state and self to the point of self sacrifice during the green’ sun’s explosion (again, another point for his blood overpowering his breath)

so yeah, you can see, despite all my text it doesn’t actually change much in the plot! the biggest thing could be Jack Noir not using it for the Black Queen (cuz lets be honest he didn’t really need to, his betrayal would have caught her off guard enough to grab the ring) but really just depends on where you choose to do it

AND instead of this flash: https://www.homestuck.com/story/5027 which was more comedic, we could potentially get a string of panels showing what John was thinking and feeling as the Bun Robot, so close and yet so far away from all his friends, completely alone in his own thoughts and with his only motivation being to make sure his friends survive the game, maybe in thought bubbles or code like Serenity the firefly, showcasing the sort of mental descent and depression that John is really prone to, showing how he could end up in a state where he willingly dies for his friends for their sake

I think it’s a great missed opportunity to be honest and at the very least it’s a very neat little AU Idea

and the way it’s set up would be like an awesome shock reveal too

but then also, John is already compared to nic cage so much it’s not even funny

and John himself makes the symbolic connection between nic cage being just like the rabbit “dirty, worn, old, but it’s what on the inside that counts” simultaneously making that connection to himself when he’s inside the rabbit, because it’s bot his outward appearance that matters, what matters is that He’s still John on the inside, still your best friend guys, I’m right here...

and homestuck has a pattern of turning old jokes into new serious content, so it’s not like it doesn’t fit

and if a few panels are thrown in of a ghostly spirit wandering a bit before settling on the bun inside jade’s gift, it can help establish that Alpha John later would become truly intangible and floating through not just earth, but all of homestuck itself

anyway, those are my thoughts for this idea, I think there’s a lot to go on here

the only thing thats not involved are sprite shenanigans, but If I could find a way to involve those then I would :P

maybe instead of dying at the green sun with Dave and Rose he somehow gets thrown into an sprite somewhere and becomes actual RoboBunJohnsprite (even though everything’s taken already and can’t be altered) maybe it can happen instead of Tavris or GCATavris who knows is BunJohn even survives somehow

shenanigans! shenanigans i say

[wo-the-wolf]

The Revenant’s Shield and Sword Part 1

Legends and Fables always have a center mass at which some truth lies. How we spin these tales over the ages can say a lot about our civilizations. But one thing crossed my mind at some point. A grand tale of cat and mouse, of lies and deceit, for as we all wear masks in public, those in darker corners of the world wear masks to decide the fates of millions. Sometimes when our masks are cracked, people see what we are truly capable of in the face of adversity. What if humans were the only ones that held grudges so strong, or bonds so deep; what if we were the only species to willingly carve apart an entire planet to take vengeance? What if we were the only ones willing to sacrifice bits of ourselves, or our entire beings, for the things or people we love? What if, what we called passion and loyalty, made us into monsters in the galaxy? Monsters that were respected for their dedication, and feared for the same? All characters have an origin story. This will tell the tale of their meeting. An engineered killer and a lying trickster deciding to make their own future, their own choices. But at what cost is it deemed too great? The meeting of Emma and Derrick. Enjoy! ---------------------------------------------- “War. It’s a fickle thing that swallows civilizations whole, leaving only the victor to sign the documents future generations come to read. I was no different, A Demon of pride that grew infatuated with what was truly limitless in those times of strife. Had it not been for the fail safes, I fear what I could of done,” -Dated 2261, Emma Valahorn’s personal logs.

Emma looked at her arm curiously while she sat in some kind of medical room alone. It was larger after the procedure, stronger. She had her deep green eyes, healthy bronze skin with only a few nicks from previous battles. Everything was the same, though she was now much larger and stronger than before.

“The Sentinel project was a complete success for you, Private Valahorn.” A woman in doctors robes said as she entered proudly, checking her datapad for any updates.

“I feel…. Sore,” she grumbled as she painfully moved her shoulder.

“Well… Growing from 4'11 to a solid 7'3, and gaining enough muscle mass to ensure you’re body doesn’t cave in on itself, include skeletal strengthening surgery and your augmentations…. I’d imagine that would put one in a lot of pain. You’ll be fine though, your body, despite its height, still looks like it did, no abnormal mutations or anything to worry about,” the doctor waved off with a small laugh. “You’ve been resting long enough, while still in pain you can move and your scares have healed enough. You are requested to the war room at once with your team. However first you’ve been given a new suit of armor. Put these on first so we can get you fitted.” The doctor called up a drone that flew by and provided Emma with an appropriately large set of hospital clothing.

After making her way to a specialized room, and seeing the rest of her squad survived the proceed, Emma was equipped with state of the art power armor, designed just for her. “Hell they said that ancient movie Star Wars inspired us to make our cruisers, I bet halo inspired this armor.” One of the squad pipped in.

“Don’t know how you can play those old games Kyle, they look so outdated,” a black male member of the team shook his head.

“Hey they’re classics. My brother on the citadel loves fallout, we bonded playing fallout 13 multiplayer all the time as kids.” Kyle replied as he put on his armor.

“Cut the chatter all of you,” a heavily scarred and older Saurian trooper stated as he entered with them, already fully equipped excerpt for his red scaly head. “You’re meeting your partners from the Black Monarch project, stay on your toes and keep them on theirs. If we lose any of those egg heads it makes the operation coming in a week that much more difficult.”

“Hey come on Sargent Ryce, we all signed on for this willing, we know what we gotta do,” Kyle smirked.

“Suit up, meet in the war room in 10 minutes.” Ryce stated after giving Kyle a hard stare of dissatisfaction.

After being fully suited, and looking as imposing as ever, these giants stomped their way to the war room, covered head to toe in shining gray and black armor, their helmets looking almost like Aegis shields in design. Once situated and seated among some normal sized humans. “Ladies, gentlemen, welcome,” a man in a rather lavish suit welcomed them as he stood center stage in front of a massive screen.

His beard and mustache were trimmed, hair slick and “You look like the essence of douchebaggery,” came a voice from one of the shorter men in the rows.

“Keep your mouth shut, Agent Derrick, Mr. Wolf is paying your salary.” One of the female directors ordered.

“Your notion has been duly noted, Agent Derrick. Now might I remind you that your very lives hang in my good graces, so I would very much advise you not to make such outburst. Least we have another incident.” He sternly threatened. “Duly noted. Possibly ignored, but noted nonetheless.” Derrick leaned back with a soft smile. “As I was going to say,” Mr. Wolf started after clearing his throat, “Welcome… Project Black Monarch and Project Sentinel. You all were the successful, and voluntary I might add, candidates that underwent the changes needed to deal with the war once for all. To put an end to the Great Bat'Ga pirate raids, and an end to this war with the Oba. You’ll all be assigned a partner, The Monarchs as we’re calling them work better and more efficiently when they’re in tune with all the parts of their squad. They will be responsible to leash in the Sentinels, as well as ensure you reach your intended targets as they are given. You have all been assigned after preliminary testing. Your missions given. You ship out by tomorrow.” Mr. Wolf turned to look at the hulking beasts on one side of the room, and at the psychopathic eyes of those on the others. “Any questions?” The one called Derrick lifted his arm with a smirk. “Yes, I-” “No,” Mr. Wolf stated bluntly. “Now any serious questions?”  “Sucks for whatever idiot gets stuck with that guy,” Emma grunted.  “Congratulations, idiot,” Ryce slapped her armored chest with a data pad. “You get him,” he nodded before handing out the datapads to the rest of the team.  Emma looked confused for a moment, as if someone had just told her some sick joke and thought it was meant to be laughed at. After gathering herself and looking down at what could be argued as the worst possible Agent to get stuck with, she did notice one thing he had the others didn’t. “Sir there must be some mistake, all the others were volunteers but this says that,” “Your path of empathy paired well with his.... past recklessness.” Ryce waved offed.  “Recklessness? Sir the man was on Death row for nearly hundreds of crimes, why the hell am I of all people getting paired with a lunatic.” She began flipping through the datapad, “A pathological liar, egomaniac, severe narcissism and a god complex? Not to mention the PTSD, MPD, hell this guy is a walking nut factory!” She argued. “He’s committed war crimes, murdered families and non-combatants, this even says he’s a-”  Ryce folded his arms, and stopped her, “You done?” “Sir please, I request to be transferred to someone else, someone with some shred of patriotism.” She growled.  “I’ll get back to you on that private, for now do as your told.” He grunted back before pushing past her and heading to speak with some of the Directors.  Emma sunk her shoulders in defeat, as her face fell into one of disgust. “So,” a voice said from behind as she turned to see Derrick had been behind them, listening in the whole time. “I guess that’s a no to meeting your parents eh?” He smirked, the scars on the left side of his face stretching ever so slightly to show he was poking fun. “Not a big loss, meeting mine would’ve made things even weirder.” He shook his head.  “Great.... I’m with an utter fucktard.” Emma face palmed and pinched her brow in annoyance.  “Heh, well, this utter fucktard has some juicy information I swiped off of the Directors a while back. About our mission.” He smirked as clearly this caught her attention.  “Really? And what’s that? Kill the Oba’s leader and end the war?” “No,” Derrick grinned and looked up at her.  “They’re the suicide chargers,” Mr. Wolf nodded to Ryce. “Agent Derrick currently posses something we require, and once they successfully eliminate the Oba Leader within their assigned sector, the others will turn against them and clean up all witnesses.” “What?” Ryce looked baffled by this description. “What could this guy have that’s so important you’re throwing away one of my good men?”  “Emma will be fine, we only need Derrick dead, and the black box he stole to be retrieved. If we tried to take it now things would be... Complicated. Kill him mid fight, then take the remains. Simple business. . . Now ensure your men are prepared, Sargent Ryce,” Mr. Wolf gestured for him to leave them be.  “They . . . Are going to kill us?” Emma whispered to Derrick while looking at him like he was true to his file. A liar. “Me, though that can’t happen.” Derrick shrugged.  “Oh really. . . Well I’m sure we’ll learn all about that later huh? Just get your gear, I’ll be in the hangar,” she scoffed before marching away from him. “Fucking grunts . . . What is he? An attention whore too?” What no one seemed to noticed after they all began to file out of the room, was Mr. Wolf and Derrick exchange brief looks of cold murder to one another. Derrick’s eyes electronically flashed ever so slightly, before he waved and casually began to stroll out of the room. “Oh Agent Derrick,” Mr. Wolf smirked back as they left the room, “Property does not get to steal property, my boy.” TO BE CONTINUED ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEY YOU! How’s it going? It was a pleasure to work on this arch of the short stories I’m doing to pass time during my last year of university. Once again don’t forget, if you have any prompts you want me to work on just send me them, tag me in them, anything at all! I will put them in the que if I like em! All my stories are connected so never fear, old characters will always come back! Until next time, Fly safe fellow Explorer’s of the unknown.

[magusofthefork]

GDS3 - Challenge  #1 - Tribal

I love game design so I have a lot of interest in Wizards Great Designer Search 3. Unfortunately I don’t meet the requirements to enter but that won’t stop me from joining in with the challenges anyway. I haven’t yet looked at what the designers have made for their first challenge (but I did check what creature types they went with so I didn’t do the same as them) so my designs wouldn’t be influenced by reading the judges feedback on other designs. You can read the full rules for the challenge here but to summarise the challenge was to make 8 tribal cards for a creature type of your choice for a standard legal set. For this challenge I decided to go with the creature type Wurm. Wurms have been around for a long time in magic but they have never gotten any tribal cards so I thought they would be a great candidate for this task. Click below to see the cards!

(Note: I am using playtest style names since I am bad at coming up with real names)

One of the interesting challenges I had made for myself by choosing Wurms is that Wurms are all high mana cost. So the normal tribal strategies of getting out as many of a tribe as possible and antheming them wouldn’t work. I went a different route entirely and decided instead of trying to play lots of small creatures the Wurm tribe would just focus on getting out a few big Wurms a bit earlier than normal. The first card shows off how I went about this

A quite simple design but I think it works well. Your opponent gets a turn to deal with this guy just as they would with a mana dork and if they don’t you’ll likely get to play a 5 drop on turn 3 which is pretty strong (but as steal leaf champion has shown its not too strong for standard) The next card isn’t particularly interesting but is something I imagine would be included in a set with this tribe. One problem you sometimes come across when playing big creature decks is that you only have one creature and while it can usually attack profitably you often don’t want to because it will get chump blocked and you’ll leave yourself defenceless. This combat trick solves that problem letting you get in for some good damage and keep a blocker.

For one of my uncommons I wanted to make a Wurm lord to show off what sort of pay off you’ll be getting for playing this tribe in limited but giving +1/+1 to all your creatures isn’t very good in a tribe of fatties. I wanted something that was good if you only had a couple of Wurms and game winning if you had lots of Wurms as well as providing some interesting play. In the end I decided to go with provoke. I like provoke here because with a couple of big Wurms out it can be a serious threat making your opponent have to think very carefully about their blocks but if you have managed to get several Wurms out it makes your opponents blocks miserable as they lose the choice to just take a hit from some of the wurms and the blocks they do make will likely be chumps as it is unlikely they will have enough creatures to block everything and still make double blocks to trade with your wurms.

One of the requirements for this was that you had to make a tribal card for each card type (except Planeswalker and Tribal) and I’ll be honest I really struggled to think of an artifact for a while but then I came up with an idea that seemed perfect. Flavourfly I had already decided that there would be a Cult that worships Wurms and is willing to sacrifice themselves for the Wurms (like Wurmfood) so I came up with the idea of a sacrificial dagger that gives any creature Wurmfoods ability.

I think this is a really strong effect as it can turn tokens and early game creatures into mana generation in the late game for your big creatures. If this mana was usable on any creature I would think it might be too strong for standard but the restriction of only Wurms makes this a much fairer card.

Now we get to the first Rare and the land card for my tribal set. The land card for a tribe is fairly easy to do and I could have easily taken the lazy route and just made a tap dual that enters untapped if you are using a Wurm deck but that seemed boring to me and I wanted to use this card to emphasize the decks strategy of sacrificing cultists to play Wurms.

What I went with in the end was this. A tap land that can generate a single mana of either of the tribes colours  or can sacrifice a creature to generate 3 mana to cast a wurm spell. I went with 3 mana to keep it in line with the other cards I’d already designed and I don’t think this makes the card too strong. My next rare is another payoff card for running this tribe. Again I wanted to make sure the card was stronger if you had lots of Wurms out but still good if you only had 1 or 2, I also wanted it to still be playable in limited in a deck without any Wurms.

So this is basically just the card overcome if you don’t have any Wurms which is fine in limited and can win you games but if you do control a Wurm it becomes much better. All you need is one Wurm out and this gives you an overrun style effect for only 3 mana which could let you end a game early with your cultists out and a single wurm. If you have multiple Wurms this does get a lot stronger but at the same time if you have multiple wurms out you probably has enough mana that costing 2 less probably doesn’t matter much.

The first mythic I am going to show is probably the most powerful card in this group. So far all the cards I have made I have ensured that the card is still playable in limited if you don’t have any Wurms but with this being a mythic I decided to drop that restriction in favour of making the card more powerful.

In a Wurm Tribal deck this is going to at the very least draw you into some good creatures in the late game which is fine but not great. (You do have the potential for this card to do nothing but in my experience that almost never happens). What makes this card really strong though is the Morbid trigger. If you can get a creature to die (which should be easy in this deck with the cultists) you get to just put a Wurm into play every turn for free.  If this enchantment goes unanswered it can end the game very quickly which really is what an expensive enchantment should be doing. Again like previous cards If it wasn’t for the fact it is limited to a Tribe I would say this could end up being too strong for a standard set. As it is though I think it is just strong enough and probably the best payoff card in the tribe for constructed. I particularly like how this card ties together the two things this deck is doing, sacrificing creatures and playing big Wurms. Lastly we have a card I designed with commander in mind. It would be wrong to design new tribal cards without giving the commander players a legendary so they can play the tribe in commander (and brawl!).

(Card was named by a friend of mine as a pun on Wurmcoil Engine)

Like with the previous mythic this creature ties together what the deck is doing, it sacrifices creatures and gives you big Wurms but unlike the previous card this is strong on its own and I could see people running it in commander decks that don’t even run Wurms. Initially this creature was going to be Golgari with a red ability to allow commander players to run some of the Red Wurms in their deck but I couldn’t think of a satisfying way of doing a red ability on this card without it feeling tacked on and it made the card feel disconnected from the rest of the cards. One thing to note though, I would never make this more than 3 colors as that would make it too hard to cast in standard so I know commander players would complain regardless of whether I went Jund or Naya as I’d be leaving out some really good Wurms in Green Red and Green White. Sure this way I’ve left out both but the best Wurm cards are Mono Green anyway and on the plus side you can Run Massacre Wurm in this deck and who doesn’t love Massacre Wurm. So that is all the cards I made for this challenge. If you are reading this I want to thank you for taking the time to look at my cards. Let me know what you think as I would love to be given feedback on this. Also if any of you have done this challenge send me a link to your cards and I’ll have a look :)

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 17 Extravapalooza

Well, here we are at the end of the most unique NFL season in memory. Was it the smartest idea in the world to stage an entire professional football season in the midst of a rampaging viral pandemic? No, it really wasn’t. But, somehow, the NFL managed to make it through the year without any outright disasters (sorry Broncos, having to start a practice squad WR at QB doesn’t really count), and they did it through the tried and true combination of blind luck and pure willful ignorance. Yay, I guess? I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t appreciate having games to watch, but the whole enterprise was downright impressive in its blatant disregard for common sense and social responsibility. That’s why it’s America’s game!

There’s still a fair amount of playoff-positioning to hash out this week, which always lends a nice bit of urgency to some of the proceedings. I’m far too lazy to go into those particular weeds myself, so I’ll just link you to someone else’s work if you want to study up on the various scenarios in play.

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today.

EARLY GAMES

Baltimore Ravens (-14) at Cincinnati Bengals

If the Ravens win, they’re in the playoffs. The Bengals don’t have the horses to offer much resistance against a supremely motivated Ravens team. I will say that the most entertaining turn of events for someone with no dog in the fight would be for Baltimore to somehow lose this game, for the Browns to win, and for Ravens fans to have to sweat the result of the Colts/Jags game to see if they make the playoffs. Friend of the blog Fryan Turd would likely suffer a half-dozen heart attacks in this scenario.

Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills (-2)

I have no idea how important clinching the #2 seed in the AFC is to Buffalo, and if it’s not a big deal to them they may rest some guys for all or some of this game. The Dolphins will remain feisty to the very end, of that I’m certain.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns (-9)

The Steelers are sitting a whole bunch of guys and the Browns are in the playoffs with a win. I will say that losing this game to Mason Rudolph and subsequently missing the postseason would be an incredibly Brownsy thing to do. 

Minnesota Vikings (-4) at Detroit Lions

Despite having nothing to play for and no reason to risk further punishment, Matthew Stafford is suiting up for this one. Dare I say that Stafford is...A GAMER? I do dare say it. I hope he whips ass and the Lions win in what could be his last home game in Detroit. I would sacrifice one of my siblings to get Stafford onto the Patriots this offseason, and also to get a larger share of my family estate.

New York Jets at New England Patriots (-3)

Oh man, this is not going to be a fun game to watch AT ALL. Sullen Bill Belichick, Broken Down Cam Newton, Traumatized Sam Darnold, Dead Man Walking Adam Gase--this game has way too many depressing ingredients, to say nothing of the very-likely-to-be atrocious quality of play. Let’s just move on.

Dallas Cowboys (-1.5) at New York Giants

This is essentially a playoff game, as each of these teams needs to win (and for Washington to lose) in order to clinch the shittiest division of all time. I’m taking Dallas here because they’ve been rolling in recent weeks and Daniel Jones isn’t close to 100% healthy, but what I want most is for the Giants to win, the Football Team to lose, and for us to get the hilarious spectacle of a 6-10 playoff team.

Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-7)

I’ve ridden with the Falcons all season, why stop now? 

[looks at season record] 

Okay, that might be a good reason to stop. BUT I AIN’T GONNA!

Hey, do you think Matt Ryan could end up on New England? He went to Boston College, right? What have I become, coveting other teams’ used goods? This is no way to live.

LATE GAMES

Green Bay Packers (-4) at Chicago Bears

I’m greatly enjoying the Trubiskaissance. The Bears making the playoffs would make for some tremendous restlessness and conflicting emotions among Bears fans, as a strong showing would likely mean that Mitchell and Matt Nagy will run it back next season. This would entertain me as a man who isn’t a Bears fan. 

Las Vegas Raiders (-2.5) at Denver Broncos

I truly have no opinions or thoughts on this particular contest. Oh wait, here’s one: fuck the Raiders for ruining so many of my picks. Here’s another: Do you think New England could trade for Derek Carr? HELP.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts (-14)

The Jags are quite possibly the most ready-to-start-their-vacation team in the league, and the Colts need to win this game to make the postseason. I’m bummed about how things turned out for my man Gardner Minshew this season in Jacksonville. I hope he’s able to continue his career with a franchise who appreciates his comedic potential more fully. You know who would love him? Famous mirth-merchant William Belichick.

Los Angeles Chargers (-4.5) at Kansas City Chiefs

Tremendous opportunity for Justin Herbert to pad his already fantastic rookie-year numbers against the K.C. JV team. The thing that makes me the most nervous about this pick is the possibility that Chargers Head Coach Anthony Lynn knows that this is his last game, and as a result will make sure to unveil his most breathtaking piece of clock-mismanagement performance art yet.

Arizona Cardinals (-3) at Los Angeles Rams

I can’t in good conscience get behind a team that intends to start John Wolford at QB, no matter how awesome their defense is. Then again, maybe if Sean McVay basically controls his movements Ratatouille-style the way he does with Jared Goff, he’ll be okay. If Arizona loses and misses the playoffs, Coach Handsome might experience the quickest progression of “This Guy Has No Idea What He’s Doing” to “This Guy Is A Genius Who Is Changing the Way Football Is Played” and back to “This Guy Is a Dipshit” of any coach I can remember.

Seattle Seahawks (-6.5) at San Francisco 49ers

The Seahawks continued there whole “now the defense is good, but the offense is kind of blah” thing last week in a 20-9 win over the Rams, and I see no reason to think things will change. The Niners finally got All-Pro TE George Kittle back from injury, but then immediately lost studly rookie WR Brandon Aiyuk. The injury gods have really had it in for them this season. Despite the brutal injury luck, San Fran has remained competitive all season, and I say they keep this one within a TD.

New Orleans Saints (-6) at Carolina Panthers

The Saints won’t have RBs Alvin Kamara, Latavius Murray, Dwayne Washington, or their fullback Michael Burton. They’ll also be without WR Michael Thomas once again. If I were Saints Head Coach Sean Payton, I’d start Taysom Hill at QB for this game so that he can use his legs to augment the severely diminished run-game, and also to give Drew Brees’ ribs more time to heal. I’d also be an insufferable dickhead. Well, more of one. Okay, I’d be the same, I’d just be addicted to pain pills. More addicted, I mean. I’m Sean Payton.

Tennessee Titans (-7) at Houston Texans

DeShaun Watson has been absurdly good this season, despite the total shitshow around him. He leads the league in Yards Per Attempt while also being third in the league in Completion Percentage at 70.1%. He’s not dinking and dunking his way to his eye-popping numbers. You’d think having a franchise QB in place would make this a primo job opening for potential head coaching candidates, but between the lack of high-end future draft picks and general ownership/executive ineptitude, it’s gotta give a desirable candidate pause. Yikes. Clearly, Houston should trade DeShaun Watson to New England. 

SNF: Washington Football Team (-3.5) at Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles have nothing to play for and a bunch of key players are skipping tonight’s game. Among them are TE Dallas Goedert and RB Miles Sanders, which is going to make things extra tough for QB Jalen Hurts against Washington’s exceptionally nasty defense. The Football Team also has major injury questions, as QB Alex Smith, RB Antonio Gibson, and WR Terry McLaurin are all listed as Questionable. As of this writing, it looks like all three of them are going to play, but I have no clue how effective they’ll be. All of this uncertainty does not make for confident betting, imo.

Last Week’s Record: 4-7-1

Season Record: 99-112-8

[someguyscaliforniavoterguide]

My Guide to Select East Valley/California/National Races on November 3, 2020

It’s me again!

I admit that much of my work is cribbed from/aligns with other progressive voter guides out there, but we don’t all agree so here’s my voice for good luck. This time I’ve listed other guides at the bottom of this monster of a page. Check them out if you think my answer is wrong or wishy washy!

Remember you can vote by mail, drop off your ballot at a drop box, or vote in person if you want this year. More info on the literal mechanics of voting can be found at this excellent guide from Knock-L.A.

As always, I don’t expect or want anybody to send me a thank you gift, but if this guide is helpful and you want to say thanks, just throw a few bucks to the September 21st fundraiser - www.sept21st.com - where internet notable Demi Adejuyigbe is raising money for five grassroots progressive groups.

And without ado, let’s get to my East Valley voter guide!

EAST VALLEY CITY RACES

L.A. City Council District 4: Nithya Raman

Nithya Raman was the executive director for Time’s Up and is the founder of the indispensable SELAH homeless advocacy organization. She’s been endorsed by DSA-LA, League of Conservation Voters, Bike The Vote L.A., and Sunrise Movement, and is an inspiring candidate with an exceptional policy platform. I donated money to her campaign and I wish I lived a few blocks over so I could vote for her as well.

L.A. City Council District 10: Mark Ridley Thomas

Neither option is great, but Mark Ridley-Thomas is the best of two bad choices here, since Grace Yoo’s approach to homelessness lacks empathy and she is dismissive of the reality of racial profiling.

Burbank City Council (2 seats available): Konstantine Anthony, Tamala Takahashi

Burbank City Council has two seats on the ballot. 1) Konstantine Anthony is endorsed by just about every local progressive organization, including Ground Game LA, DSA-LA, and Sunrise Movement LA. 2) Tamala Takahashi has fewer institutional endorsements but the transportation platform alone that she outlined to MyBurbank.com is enough to show that she would make an outstanding councilmember.

Burbank City Treasurer: Lindsey Francois

LACCD RACES

L.A. Community College District Board of Trustees Seat 1: Charné Tunson

Charné Tunson is running as a challenger to incumbent Community College Board President, Dr. Andra Hoffman. Tunson is a former high school assistant principal at Crenshaw High School and, more recently, a former principal at a charter high school in Watts. Tunson has pledged to remove LASD from the LACCD, has educational experience and is a black woman: she will bring perspectives that are lacking to the LACCD Board.

L.A. Community College District Board of Trustees Seat 3: David Vela*

Vela is well connected within the LA Democratic Party. Endorsed by UTLA but nobody else.

L.A. Community College District Board of Trustees Seat 5: Dr. Cynthia Gonzalez

Dr. Gonzalez has an impressive and thorough policy platform for improving student experience at LACCD and a plan to reorient education to meet the workforce needs of a region in which we reimagine public safety and reorient services towards non-violent responders. Dr. Gonzalez is endorsed by Jackie Goldberg, one of the best educational advocates in the County.

L.A. Community College District Board of Trustees Seat 7: Mike Fong*

Fong is widely supported for re-election including UTLA.

LAUSD RACES

LAUSD Board Member District 3: Scott Schmerelson*

LAUSD Board Member District 7: Patricia Castellanos

Both candidates enjoy the endorsement of UTLA and Jackie Goldberg against charter advocates, and they have my support.

STATE SENATE

CA Senate District 21: Kipp Mueller

Mueller is a progressive attorney who has fought ICE pro bono, and is endorsed by DSA-LA and CalBike.

CA Senate District 23: Abigail Medina

Abigail Medina has support from progressive organizations, environmental groups, and more of the unions.

CA Senate District 25: Nobody

Incumbent Anthony Portantino is running unopposed. He’s a terrible person who singlehandedly set back housing reform in the state by years. Write in Mickey Mouse.

CA Senate District 27: Henry Stern*

Stern has been a disappointment; but his opponent is a Republican who says his priority is to address the “vagrent (sic) crisis.”

CA Senate District 29: Josh Newman

Newman won this seat 4 years ago, only to be recalled by a Republican campaign after his vote in favor of SB1, which helps fund transit and transportation projects across the state. He deserves to be back in Sacramento.

CA Senate District 33: Elizabeth Castillo

Castillo's campaign is a long-shot but progressive challenge focused on equity, social justice, rent control, and single-payer healthcare.

CA Senate District 35: Steven Bradford*

STATE ASSEMBLY

CA Assembly District 38: Nobody

This is the seat that Christy Smith is giving up to run for Congress. Democrats split their votes in the Primary and both candidates in the runoff are conservatives. Whoever wins, we lose.

CA Assembly District 39: Luz Rivas*

CA Assembly District 41: Chris Holden*

CA Assembly District 43: Laura Friedman*

CA Assembly District 45: Jess Gabriel*

CA Assembly District 46: Adrin Nazarian*

Nazarian has kowtowed to NIMBYs and was a loud voice opposing SB1120, and has ties to LAPPL . His opponent is worse. I’m glad I don’t have to hold my nose to vote for Nazarian, but I probably would.

CA Assembly District 49: Edwin Chau*

CA Assembly District 50: Richard Bloom*

CA Assembly District 51: Wendy Carrillo*

CA Assembly District 53: Godfrey Santos Plata

CA Assembly District 54: Tracy Bernard Jones

CA Assembly District 58: Margaret Villa

Villa is challenging a NIMBY legislator as a progressive who supports rent control, Medicare for All, and a Green New Deal.

CA Assembly District 59: Reggie Jones-Sawyer*

CA Assembly District 62: Autumn Burke*

CA Assembly District 63: No Recommendation

Speaker of the Assembly Anthony Rendon is the assemblymember responsible for shelving California’s attempt at single-payer healthcare in 2018. This year, Rendon killed multiple important bills through delay, including SB731, which would have decertified police who kill, and SB1120, which would have allowed duplex housing in single family zones. He made headlines by doing so while forcing Assembly Member Buffy Wicks to show up in person with her 36 day old baby in order to vote. UNFORTUNATELY, his challenger has a history of making anti-Semitic statements that are too much for me to endorse. We deserved two better candidates in this race.

CA Assembly District 64: Fatima Iqbal-Zubair

Incumbent Mike Gipson has accepted money from oil and police interests. He’s a former police officer who was appointed to chair an Assembly Committee on Police Reform, which seems like a bad idea. Iqbal-Zubair is a better choice.

CA Assembly District 66: Al Muratsuchi*

CA Assembly District 70: Patrick O’Donnell*

US HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

U.S. House District 23: Kim Mangone

Long-shot Democratic challenger to the awful Republican leader in the House, Kevin McCarthy.

U.S. House District 25: Christy Smith

Assemblywoman Christy Smith is on the ballot to retake this seat that was held by Democrat Katie Hill until she resigned and a Republican, Mike Garcia, won a special election in March. I expect that a November General Election will give Democrats the edge they need to win back this seat.

U.S. House District 27: Judy Chu*

U.S. House District 28: Adam Schiff*

U.S. House District 29: Angelica Maria Dueñas

This is my district and I have gone back and forth, but I think this year I will vote for Dueñas. The incumbent, Tony Cārdenas, is a solid backbench Democrat who has been good enough on the issues, but maintains membership in the centrist New Democrat Coalition. I don’t like that Dueñas most recently ran as a Green Party candidate before coming to the Democrats, but I am willing to overlook that to get a progressive voice in Congress from my side of town. I think Cārdenas will win though, he has solid name recognition and good constituent services.

U.S. House District 30: Brad Sherman*

U.S. House District 32: Grace Napolitano*

U.S. House District 33: Ted Lieu*

U.S. House District 34: Jimmy Gomez*

A lot of other progressives are supporting David Kim. He’s great. So is Gomez. Either vote is good.

U.S. House District 37: Karen Bass*

U.S. House District 38: Michael Tolar

U.S. House District 39: Gil Cisneros*

U.S. House District 40: Lucille Roybal-Allard*

U.S. House District 43: Maxine Waters*

U.S. House District 44: Nanette Barragan*

U.S. House District 45: Katie Porter*

U.S. House District 47: Alan Lowenthal*

LAUSD MEASURE

LAUSD Measure RR - $7B Bond for School Upgrades: Yes

Measure RR would extend a current property tax assessment to fund school capital projects that was initiated through 2008’s Measure Q up to 2055.

COUNTY STUFF

L.A. County District Attorney: George Gascón

TLDR: Jackie Lacey has got to go. She has failed to prosecute killer cops, she has overaggressively prosecuted defendants, she refused to proactively dismiss marijuana sentences until it was an election year. Her husband pulled a gun on BLM protestors in March! George Gascon has a track record as a progressive prosecutor (once an oxymoron, now a chic branding statement) in San Francisco - he was the only DA to support Prop 47, he has promised to prosecute bad cops, he supports AB 392 (The Use of Force bill), and he has pledged to end the use of the Death Penalty in L.A. County. He’s endorsed by the L.A. Democratic Party and basically everybody in town now because the writing is on the wall: he’s gonna win.  

L.A. County Supervisor 2: Holly Mitchell

I have some beefs with Holly Mitchell’s voting in the Senate on housing issues, but she’s a better choice than Herb Wesson, who is currently the Chair of the L.A. City Council. Look at L.A. in the past 8 or so years and ask: has Herb Wesson done a good job? Do you want him as one of the FIVE County Supervisors? Vote accordingly.

L.A. Judge Seat 72: Myanna Dellinger

L.A. Judge Seat 80: Klint James McKay

L.A. Judge Seat 162: David Diamond

L.A. County Measure J - "Re-Imagine L.A.": Big Yes

County Measure J will divert a minimum of 10% of the County budget (about $400M annually from the Sheriff's Department) to housing, employment, and rehabilitation programs. Thanks to Black Lives Matter-LA and their allies for this golden opportunity. Vote yes, then tell your friends to vote yes.

BURBANK INITATIVE

Burbank Measure RC - Rent Control: Yes

Measure RC would create rent control for Burbank multi-family housing built prior to 1995. Affected housing would see annual rent increases limited to 7%, require just cause for evictions, revert rents to 2019 levels, and create a rent control board to administrate.

CALIFORNIA PROPOSITIONS

CA Prop 14 - Funds for Stem Cell Research: No

In 2004 California created a bond issue to fund stem cell research at the height of the Bush Administration’s attack on scientific research. Today stem cell use is far less controversial. I believe in funding this research, but I don’t think we should be giving $7.8B in funding for research without checks in place to make sure that a California investment results in treatments that are accessible and affordable. If there were more here to guarantee affordability for research funded by our taxes, I’d vote yes. Otherwise I’m saying make it a no.

CA Prop 15 - Commercial Property Tax Split Roll/Schools & Communities First: Emphatically Yes!

In 1978, a much different California passed Prop 13, giving property owners enormous tax breaks and massively underfunding education and local services as a result. This year’s Prop 15 would end the tax break for commercial property owners, raising as much as $12.5 billion to help fund schools and local services. Vote yes, then tell your friends to vote yes.

CA Prop 16 - Restore Affirmative Action: Yes

In 1996, a much different California passed Proposition 209 to end affirmative action in higher education through an amendment to the California Constitution. Prop 16 would undo this by repealing Prop 209. Affirmative action’s absence has hurt people of color’s chances of getting better education and higher paying contracts. The existing law prevents government institutions from doing what is needed to ensure hiring takes history into account. Recent protests demanding racial equity make it clear that reinstating affirmative action is the right way to go.

CA Prop 17 - Allow Parolees To Vote: Yes

Prop 17 would let residents who have already served their time and are on parole the ability to participate in the democratic process that shapes their lives, and is absolutely necessary considering the racist nature of the criminal justice system. To be clear, NOBODY SHOULD EVER LOSE THEIR RIGHT TO VOTE. But that’s not on the ballot this year. Vote yes.

CA Prop 18 - Allow Some 17 Year Olds To Vote In Primaries: Yes

Prop 18 would allow residents who will turn 18 before a general election to participate in the primary election in order to help determine the options they will be voting on. This is an easy yes.

CA Prop 19 - Let Retirees Transfer Their Low Property Taxes: No

Prop 19 closes one Prop 13 tax loophole while opening another - in this case allowing homeowners to take their artificially low tax rates to move to new homes while closing a loophole that allows heirs to keep a low tax rate on properties that are not used as a primary residence (google “Big Lebowski Tax” for more on this). Some people think this is a bargain worth striking: the idea that homeowners would free up existing housing in cities to retire to cheaper parts of the state while sticking it to people who pay insanely low taxes on what are rental properties. I don’t begrudge that analysis, but I think in the end the bargain isn’t one worth striking and I am encouraging a no vote.

CA Prop 20 - Repeal Criminal Justice Reforms: No

A proposition being pushed by LA police unions that needs to be handily rejected by the voters as we talk about the carceral state and racial equity. Prop 20 seeks to undo 2014’s decriminalization effort (Prop 47) and 2016’s expansion of parole opportunities for non-violent crimes (Prop 57). If nothing else, the implementation of this would cost us millions of dollars a year to throw more people in prison. Just a hard no.

CA Prop 21 - Allow Limited Rent Control: Yes

Why is rent control on the ballot again? 1) because the state legislature keeps fucking up on housing and 2) because one very wealthy man wants the law to change. Prop 21 would allow cities to enact rent control on properties that are over 15 years old if they chose to modify their existing rent control laws. An easy yes if you’re concerned about renters in one of the worst housing markets in the nation.

CA Prop 22 - Modify AB5 to Remove Protections for Gig Workers: No

$181M is being spent on this by Uber, Lyft, DoorDash and other “sharing economy” companies to carve out an exception to AB5 through this proposition. You’ve probably gotten texts, mailers, etc from drivers who support the amendment. Don’t buy it: this is about preserving their employers’ (I USE THAT WORD DELIBERATELY) shady abuse of the independent contractor status to keep their bottom lines artificially low. On top of all that, the law adds a 7/8 supermajority requirement to modify in the legislature. Look, even if you think AB5 is flawed, this isn’t the answer. Vote no.

CA Prop 23 - Regulate Dialysis Centers As Medical Facilities: Yes

Kidney Dialysis Centers have long operated in a grey area outside of the kind of regulations that medical facilities do. Getting medical professionals who are bound by the Hippocratic Oath on hand and requiring reporting is necessary and overdue.

CA Prop 24 - Consumer Privacy Rules: No

California already has strict existing privacy rules for Internet companies; this proposition would expand them because one wealthy person decided they don’t go far enough. The ACLU has raised concerns about some of the loopholes in the bill (notably allowing companies to use loyalty programs to get tracking permissions). This isn’t a bad one, and I have a lot of friend and allies encouraging a yes vote on it; for me the fact that it could be addressed in the legislature means we should look to that avenue before taking it to the initiative process.

CA Prop 25 - Approve Reform of Bail Industry: No

This pains me. I want to end cash bail, and I fear that defeating this proposition will strangle any hope of doing so in the legislature. That said, the reform that this would enshrine is problematic and is opposed by too many groups (ACLU, Knock L.A.) that I trust on the issue to make me comfortable voting yes. Vote no, then organize for real bail reform.  

THE BIG CHEESE

President & Vice President: Joe Biden & Kamala Harris

If you don’t want to vote for Joe Biden you’re reading the wrong guide. Trump is a monster, the third party candidates aren’t worth your time. This is the second most consequential presidential election of our lives (the most consequential election was 2016 and WE FUCKED THAT ONE UP BOY HOWDY). Don’t be an ass. Vote for Biden, then keep writing letters and making calls to hold him to his promises.  

* = Denotes incumbent

Thanks for reading! Here’s a list of voter info, other voter guides, and comments on ballot initiatives I recommend you check out. I am indebted to many of these guides for shaping my own thinking, and feel that my guide is kind of redundant these days - but I’ve been asked about it a few times so I will keep on doing it.

Voting Info:

LA County Registrar/Recorder Voting Info: https://lavote.net/home/voting-elections

Voter’s Edge ballot info: https://votersedge.org/ca/

Non-mail ballot drop-off options: https://www.democracydocket.com/2020/08/usps-delays/

Voter Guides:

Michael MacDonald’s Voter Guide: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DP1rWZNR5ymOOxArGJm-abs7CGIN9-HluH_TduMAn0Y

KNOCK.LA: https://knock-la.com/los-angeles-progressive-voter-guide-november-general-election-2020-fe6e286b3feb

LA Podcast: https://thelapod.com/posts/la-podcast-voter-guide-2020-general-election/

TheLAnd Magazine: https://thelandmag.com/voter-guide/voter-guide-2020-california-los-angeles/

Amélie Cherlin’s guide: http://yeskelsey.com/lavoterguide/

Bike The Vote L.A: https://www.bikethevote.com/voter-guide/

Sunrise Movement endorsements: https://twitter.com/RamblingCameron/status/1313012830992441344/

LA League of Conservation Voters: http://lalcv.org/current-endorsements/

California League of Conservation Voters: https://www.ecovote.org/elections/current-endorsements/

Calbike: https://www.calbike.org/take_action/bike-the-vote/

DSA-LA: https://dsa-la.org/2020voterguide

Niall Huffman’s guide: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M6IJyLpoS9P6rMIiZtcd8dHHPR4MdbSB68Bdc-frjsk/

Two Evils (Tracy Jeanne Rosenthal): https://voterguide.la

Hector Huezo’s guide (propositions only): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dUMLL50Ic-2pFEruYKR4vd_ExoJlRvZ5V9PJiD7V9a0/

Guides to Propositions:

LA Voice proposition endorsements (bilingual): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pQBoKJL3RKmJ-Rjex77s1UOc481P9n5la_-Y9Zvdqd8/

Courage Campaign guide to propositions: https://progressivevotersguide.com/california

Streetsblog proposition endorsements: https://cal.streetsblog.org/2020/09/30/streetsblog-endorsements-for-the-november-2020-election-statewide-propositions-and-local-measures/

Better Institutions (Shane Phillips) breaks down Prop 15: http://www.betterinstitutions.com/blog/2020/9/20/yes-on-proposition-15-common-concerns-and-responses

Alfred Twu shows who is paying for propositions: https://twitter.com/alfred_twu/status/1312298651390103552

Black Women for Wellness guide to propositions (pdf):  https://bwwactionproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/Propositions-2020-BWWAP-small-file-size.pdf

JusticeLA Coalition guide to propositions (pdf): https://justicelanow.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Coalition-Voting-Guide-2020-9-21.pdf

CalMatters guide to propositions: https://calmatters.org/election-2020-guide/

[araitsume]

Detentionaire Recap 48: Mummy Ping And The Snake Man Of Evil a.k.a. “No, Lee. I am your[Spoilers!].” or The Chaz Moneranian Show: The Bitch-Off at A. Nigma

After a year since the last recap:

… Man, I’m behind… Well, time to fix that!

Lee’s Streetcar Ride to A. Nigma High

Lee Ping: *Boards the streetcar, starting his inner monologue* Howdy, folks! Lee Ping here. I’m the kid who got detention for a whole year! But that was ages ago. *Sits next to a humming Holger who’s holding a strange gift basket* OK, Holg, seriously! What the what is with all that? Holger Holgaart: It be Holger-meister’s for Papa of Pings! Because Holger accidentally be giving Daddy Ping fish-pizza, and he being allergic to its deadly yumminess! Lee: OK. So, you’re going to the hospital to give my dad that – um, lovely gift basket? Holger: No-oh! Holger go to harbor to sacrifice traditional basket of happy offerings for untimely fish-illness to Poseidon. But, your idea being much better! OK, bye! *Gets off on his stop* Lee: Tell Dad I’ll visit him after detention! *Back to inner monologue* OK, so where was I? Ping, detention, whole year, Dad, hospital – Right! So, besides all that, turns out Stink-Ninja has been spying on me and my family, and not just in the creepy “watching every move we make” way, more in a “collecting our DNA” kind of way. Which is def-balls into the “full-throttle creepy “category. And why?! So not sure! But he did say: The Serpent: *In flashback* You’re nothing but a half-rate copy of me. Lee: … Which is über weird, considering some – most – ALL of our teachers are clones a.k.a. copies. Oh, and the proof of that? Biffy and I found their regeneration pods, so maybe I am a clone of that guy. Whoa. Heavy. *Signals a suddenly arrived Jenny to sit next to him* Or maybe he said that to mess me up. Dude loves messing with people, like how he used Jenny, dating her, and stealing the Book. What a – Jenny Jergens: Lee, sorry for losing the Book! *Frustrated groan* Major league bad judgment on my part, I know! But, what’s the deal between you guys? You, like, almost have the exact same tattoos. Lee: I don’t know, but there’s a slight chance that I’m his clone, so that kind of bites. *They both get off at their stop*

Yes, audience, Jenny is safe and sound. Plus, based on her line, it looks like she’s done with the Serpent for good, which is good for the most of us that had a problem with it [*Maniacal laugh*] but not so much for the few who legitimately thought they could’ve worked as a couple despite the number of problems that it breeds. But I hope you don’t get attached to Jenny’s perspective; this is the only time we see her in this episode. Bye, Jenny!

Day 85/X34: Instead of the usual cold-opening, we’re taken to A. Nigma High’s front yard where our favorite ex-Prez Camillio makes his “glorious” return to school after last week’s suspension by the co-principals. Considering the contrast between his rather laid-back term and the tyrannical reign of Beth, I anticipate that the student body would welcome Cam back with open arms.

Unlucky Freshman: Look! It’s the cheater! Tubby Baseball Player: I bet he cheated to become president! Lee’s Scrapped Non-PC Character Design: Get him, everyone who actually works and studies hard! Cam: *Shocked* Get me?! Come on!!*They all chase Cam*

Well, they are sort of right, but Lee and their respective campaign managers were also guilty, making Beth the only candidate that did nothing wrong (as bizarre as that sounds). After narrowly giving the mob the slip by hiding in the bushes, our distressed Latin lover called up his girl Brandy to figure why she isn’t at school yet to be used a buffer against the student body’s contempt towards him. The answer is quite obvious: her own reputation is bound to be tarnished after she was unceremoniously kicked out of the Glamazons. To stave off any public humiliation, she’s planning on staying home for the foreseeable future, but even that has its downsides as made evident by her off-screen mother (whose voice actor doesn’t sound really convincing) asking if Brandy has been going through her private belongings, i.e. the new lipstick she’s been using during the call. Oh, and there was something the disembodied mother mentioned about “a breach in the database” to Cassandra, but that was probably nothing. So rather than being stirred her boo’s “encouraging” words, Brandy decided to finally go out to school before her mom found out about the lipstick. Either way, Cam breaks his cover to celebrate this victory… for about a few seconds before the mob of angry nerds chased him again.

Just when Brandy was about to leave the condo, she opened the door to reveal a squad of Hazmat cleaners whom she mistakenly thought were summoned by her mother, and in response, she just threw the “stolen” lipstick at them and got away as fast as they could. What she didn’t know was that the unintelligible robots were here to determine the culprits that used Mrs. Silver’s login to get into the Coral Grove prisoner database. Frankly, it’s really her own fault since she had the genius idea to write her password onto a pamphlet related to the organization and left it on a night stand. Twice. As the rest of us already know, the results have identified them as Tina and Jenny. Viewing all this from her secret, underground lair/conference room through a drone’s eyes like she has done previously through Barrage, Cassandra McAdams knew exactly what to do regarding the two suspected minors that have only scratched the surface of the conspiracy: send a professional assassin after them. Naturally, she changed the screen to the Serpent’s office/penthouse… only to find said ninja-hitman apparently bedridden on his rather expensive sofa.

Cassandra: *Using the multi-screen display as a video chat* I’ve sent you a file about a mission. What’s wrong now? The Serpent: What does it look like? I’m sick! Achoo! The least you could do is offer me some hot and sour soup. *Checks his tablet to see his mission involves the two minor girls that got too nosy* Cassandra: I’ll have my chef whip some up, with a side order of roasted sarcasm. You just rest your weary, little head, and I’ll have someone else do your job! *Signs out*

No sooner after that briefing, the Serpent springs out of the sofa, making it plain that he was faking the illness!

Even though we get a glimpse of his humanity of showing some concern over what’s going to happen to Jenny (and Tina by proxy) [that said, his nickname for her, Jay-Jay, has made me feel too uncomfortable even thinking of a certain show about anthropomorphized aircraft], the Serpent has a more personal priority: paying Dr. Ping a visit at the hospital with some sinister implications.

And by an elevator transition, we join Holger who mistakes a completely bandage-covered soul for Lee’s Dad, even name-dropping part of the episode’s title. Of course, the real Dr. Ping is pretty much ok and holds no ill will towards Holger’s pizza faux pas. He even agrees to play a board game (which I have no idea how to spell) that Holger brought with his “get well soon” basket, knowing that he’ll eventually fall asleep due an earlier injection. Then again, Holger’s exposition on the rules of the game would’ve sent Dr. Ping to dreamland anyway.

Back at school, Lee had just run into Biffy attempting to crack the electronic lock on the teachers’ lounge. You know, the same one that had the Green Apple Splat knock-out gas going off inside it and might be another depositing base to the clone rejuvenation pod room like the Silver Condo? But who wants to learn more about that, am I right? Instead, let’s have Chaz Moneranian, the only reporter who is less legitimate than the ones on cable news networks, usurp the news from Tina yet again to break a story of his own the making from inside a locker. And in another use of scene whiplash, we cut to the now dethroned power couple, consisting of Cam & Brandy, doing all they can to avoid notice on their way to class. Even with her man’s attempts to lift her spirits (including complementing her new lip-gloss choice), the poor Silver can’t help but fear that this is one of the worst days of her life. Well, she’s not wrong as Chaz busts out of his hiding place, revealing that the two are his latest scoop on “Chaz’s Corner!” I would say that publicly shaming these poor kids is the moral event horizon for Chaz’s character, but…

That said, what kind of monster would humiliate a girl for her lip gloss and her boyfriend for standing up to them? As you probably guessed, Lee ain’t standing for this and even contacts Tina who was already trying to rectify the problem herself. Omigosh, they’re so in sync! While the usually silent Stepak is trying to work around Chaz’s changes to the network security, she’s going to put an end to Chaz’s nonsense personally.

Tina: This isn’t news; it’s tabloid junk!

If only we lived back in that innocent time where the two were truly separate entities. But instead of heading over to beat Chaz within an inch of his life, Tina was suddenly stopped by Principal Wurst who says to have uncovered something related to Coral Grove; this instantly grabs Tina’s attention away from the abuse of the press’ power. And for extra caution, Wurst provided some form of disguise: Groucho glasses. I’m not kidding.

Back at the hospital, Holger had just completed his turn on that weird board game and just now realized that Dr. Ping was fast asleep. This lead to a rather sweet moment with Holger tucking his best friend’s dad in… which is immediately ruined by the eccentric teen’s attempts to wake him up. Though this might have been a good thing as this leads to Holger seeing the Serpent just entering the hospital parking lot!

After the break, we resume “Chaz’s Corner” as our “humble” host has managed to keep his subjects/targets from getting away by firmly grasping them by the back of their tops with a single hand; that’s close to Biffy’s strength feats. This guy must be swole. And with a brief look back at Lee and Biffy trying and failing to access the lock, the affront to the free press continued with this snippet:

Chaz: Brandy, so Kimmie totally booted you from the Glamazons and destroyed your social status, like, completely! If you could say just one thing to her, what would it be? Brandy: *Feeling like she had nothing left to lose* You know that pink sweater that went missing? I took it! I look better in it anyway. Kimmie: *Once Chaz frees her from the locker he stashed her in* Ha! I knew it! And you so do not look better in it. *Turns to Chaz* And what is wrong with you? You do not go trapping people in lockers! And you do not look as good as you think you do in that outfit. Chaz: *Reeling from that blow to his ego* Ouch! Felt that one. Point: Kimmie!

Immediately after giving Biffy a ribbing over his “girlfriend’s” sudden appearance, Lee just got a call from Holger about the Serpent’s presence at the hospital (including name-dropping the rest of the episode title) and that Dr. Ping is out for the count.

Lee: OK, listen to me, Holg. Stink-Ninja must be after Dad, which means – Holger: Oh! Holger using old hospital body parts to create a second dad and giving that to Snake Man of Evil?

Lee: *Just about as shocked and horrified as the audience* NO! Dude, please! Don’t do that, like ever!

Having just been given his instructions to keep Dr. Ping out of the Serpent’s reach until Lee meets him, Holger soon contemplated on a couple of ways to hide the sleeping man, one of which being to gouge out everyone’s eyes. What did that eclipse beam do to your mind that made you so damn twisted? Thankfully, he went with option B: dress him up from head to toe in hospital bandages like that the other patient in the room, thus giving relevance to the title again.

Back to Tina, she and Principal Wurst had just arrived at the latter’s office, so now they can get rid of this pathetic “disguises”. And it’s at that moment that Wurst reveals that he was forced into some sort of think-tank at Coral Grove, and he went to Tina see if they could get some dirt on them. And it just so happens that Tina has access to the Coral Grove database. How convenient! A little too convenient…

At the hospital, Holger, in his “Doctor Detective-Cop” costume, had just finished wrapping up Dr. Ping 99% with medical wrappings and rolling him away in a wheelchair towards the elevator. Of course, if you couldn’t see that for yourselves, his call with Lee described it as a suspicious medical procedure made it sound like he did something horrible to Lee’s Dad. As if this wasn’t questionable enough for the staff that seemed to allow this to happen, Holger just had to make things worse by rambling about the show his cosplay is based on and calling Dr. Ping a “mummy transplant.” Of course, the staff calls in security, which takes the form of green Hazmats who sound strangely like the robotic ones from the school. Oh crap, MWF owns the hospitals too?! Run, Holger, run! And luck smiles on “Dr. Detective-Cop” as the elevator he just missed was revealed to have the Serpent as the passenger. As the villain of the day entered the former patient’s room, he mistakes the other mummy-patient as Dr. Ping, though this time there isn’t anyone to correct him.

The Serpent: *In a playful tone* Oh! Someone is extra allergic to fish, huh? Guess it runs in the family! Might want to try moisturizer for the hives instead wrapping yourself up like a mummy. You know, like normal people do? *Bandaged patient’s muffled speech while he digs through Holger’s gift basket and pulls out a lollipop* Just saying. Gee! Relax. You gonna eat this? *Beat* I guess not. OK, Dr. Ping. Let’s have that “Father-Son” chat we never had. So, I met this girl. And, well, gosh darn! – I like her, and how do I tell if she likes me? *Laughs with playful menace* Just kidding! Let’s go back further than that. *Takes out a mysterious photo* To about this time.

Well, this could only lead to good. Also, dude, spoilers!

Back at school, Biffy bore witness to the potential evolution from a bitch-off to a catfight between Brandy and Kimmie. And at last, Kimmie delivers her finishing burn:

Kimmie: The only reason we even let you into the Glams was because I wanted to see if I could turn an ugly duckling into a swan. Turns out, you were a donkey.

It was at that moment that Brandy nearly snapped and almost strangled Kimmie if it wasn’t for Cam restraining her. And with that, Kimmie smugly walked off-screen. With that the distraction over, Biffy could focus on the lock again, at least until Lee called to inform him about the Serpent.

Dangit, Kimmie; stop giving the shippers fuel! Anyway, Biffy “compliments” his totally-not-girlfriend for displaying her alpha bitch cruelty for the entire school to see, even though she seems to regret acting out like that. This soon led to the argument over whether Kimmie’s mom, Cassandra, is actually evil or not. And, in an attempt to manipulate him, the Glamazon queen was willing to share the passcode to the teachers’ lounge on the condition that Biffy recants on the awful but true stuff he said about her mom. Yeah, the only way that would work is if she went all Inquisition on him.

Back at the hospital, the Serpent has finished pouring out his soul to the irresponsive person he believes to be Dr. Ping and is quite impatient with no real response from the invalid patient so he rips off the bandage covering the mouth.

Patient-Who-Clearly-Isn’t-Dr. Ping: Dude, you’ve got some serious issues. And the wrong guy!

The Serpent:

And we cut back to Holger as he and the incapacitated Dr. Ping have suddenly been trapped in a hall with a green Hazmat on each end headed towards them. And the elevator is taking forever to reach their floor, with Holger’s freedom being so close yet so far.

Ah, but who cares about that? How about we check on Tina and Principal Wurst, OK? Inside the head faculty’s office, Tina has been having some trouble logging onto the Coral Grove website, leading to Wurst to suspect that they might be on to her. This gets the young school news reporter to talk about how Jenny is the only other person who knew about this stuff and how the files were recorded orders from Cassandra on forced relocating people to Coral Grove & were made legal through Mrs. Silver’s use of her authority as a judge or justice. What she didn’t notice was Wurst stealthily pressing a button on the side of his desk. Hmm…

Back the hospital, the elevator finally opened to reveal Lee inside of it, who quickly ascertained the situation, pulled both Holger and his dad inside, and swiftly set the elevator to the ground level. So with Dr. Ping slowly waking up, is the trio finally home free?

Without warning, the elevator suddenly stopped with a crunching halt. And Lee had to make things worse by asking “Now, what?”, leading to a familiar laugh right above them. Wow, this just got even more intense. Let’s ditch them for a trip back to school!

Back in front of the teachers’ lounge, Biffy still can’t bring himself to say “Your [Kimmie’s] Mom’s not evil”, not even for the code Kimmie is using against him as leverage. And the pressure isn’t helping.

Biffy: *After seeing Kimmie giving him her signature glare* Oh, what?! She has robots on her beck and call! Those bugs she put in everyone’s bedroom?! That was to find a key Lee had so they could open a pyramid under the school!! HELLO?! SHE TRIED TO POISON ME THE OTHER DAY!! Kimmie: *Firmly* Four words. Biffy: Oh, the only reason you know the code is because your evil mom came up with it! It’s probably something all villainy like the first four letters of her name or something. *Sudden epiphany* Oh! C-A-S-S. Eh, it’s worth a try? *Types the code in according to the alphanumerical key lock and the door opens* HAH! TOTALLY WORKED!!

To say that Kimmie was shocked that it worked is an understatement. Though to be fair to her, this isn’t really an indicator that Cassandra was evil, but rather she’s a bit of an idiot. Anyway, Biffy filled his quota for the episode and hopes that Lee will be pleased. I’d make a Senpai joke here, but that would most likely be conceived as racist.

Instead, let’s check back with Lee, Holger, Dr. Ping and their “mysterious stranger” in the elevator. And our guest makes a meme worthy entrance:

Come on, try it. I’ll start:

With him effortlessly stopping a charging Holger and seeing Dr. Ping shuddering in his bandages, the Serpent turns his attention to Lee and shows him the picture he planned to present to the father of the Ping clan. Said picture is that of the much younger Dr. Ping & Mrs. Ping and their little bundle of joy from that other cryptic picture; a few key additions to this one are that the baby has a different marking on his left arm and there’s the year the photo was taken on the back.

Lee: “1992”? But I was born in 1997. The Serpent: Ah! But I was born in 1992. Not everything is about you, Lee Ping.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?! A few key things actually:

There’s a five year age gap between the Serpent and Lee’s sophomore class, just a year above the 15th graders. So, congrats to you Serpent/Jenny shippers; your pairing is about as acceptable as Chopper/Beth… except Chopper’s maturity is closer to that of a teen who fell in love akin to normal customs and the Serpent is a dangerous hitman who used Jenny and is only showing signs of becoming the fake persona (plus I doubt that she’s still interested).

The Serpent is one of two characters I’m aware of that share the same birth year as me; the other being Jolyne Cujoh from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. Plus, I currently hate myself for not working on this recap last year since it was the Year of the Monkey, just like 1992.

The show takes place during the fall of 2012. You know, the same year that the world was almost in peril by Weirdmageddon in the summer. Because dammit, someone needs to get both the Gravity Falls and Detentionaire fandoms to make crossover stuff!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Lee finally realizes that the baby in the picture is, in fact, the Serpent. And to drill the point into younger Ping’s head, the Serpent shows his weird birthmark Lee and while pointing out Lee’s doesn’t quite match, but Lee’s is a perfect one to his father’s which somehow caught Lee’s surprise despite it staring him in the face from the first photo.

Dr. Ping: *After the Serpent cuts the bandages covering his face and upper left arm off* Lee! Don’t trust him! He works for them! It could all be a trick! The Serpent: *Restraining Dr. Ping* If I’m not who I say I am, then why do I know that your father added a tattoo to your birthmark and you added the same protection to him [Lee]?! But not me! Why was that?! Dr. Ping: *Sudden realization* No! It is you.

And with that, the Serpent restarted the elevator, kicked both Lee & Holger to the floor, and rolled Papa Ping out to show him his proof, but not without saying farewell to his “bro”. This shocking moment has left Lee with two unsettling realities: he’s either a clone of the Serpent or the Serpent is his older brother (seeing that there are both resemblances and differences, I’d go with the latter). Of course, the moment is a little muddled by Holger going goo-goo-gaga over the Serpent’s baby picture. *Imitating Holger’s cutesy voice* Aw, who’s going to grow up into a dangerous assassin? You will! You will!

OK, now it’s time for the real twist. Back in the Principal’s office, Wurst was just introducing Tina to his new guest: a blue Reaper-mat! As it turns out, Wurst has been in league with Coral Grove this whole time and was just getting Tina to reveal her findings to him while prepping for her to be taken away. I guess that’s what happens when you “know too much”. How’s that for a cliffhanger?!

General Thoughts:

The audience’s reaction to this episode:

Boy, this was a much-needed follow-up to the last episode. The reveal that the Serpent has been Lee’s brother this whole time was both shocking and expected. I tried my best to not draw too much towards the hints that were expected until Lee was finally up to speed; it was not an easy task, especially with the last episode turning it into a non-twist. Speaking of which, co-creator Charles Johnston reveal Aside from that, the other sub-plots were given some love but were left hanging for the next episode. But seriously, what is it with this school that has the “nice” faculty members turn out to be evil? Then again, Wurst’s connection to MWF should’ve been suspected ever since we learned the acronym included “Wurst”. Man, it feels good to practice writing with this again.

Channel Awesome gifs by @thatchickwiththegifs

Detentionaire gifs by @acelaces

Episode links: Amazon Instant Video; watchcartoononline.com

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[ourmrmel]

Mel Feller MPA, MHR, Looks at Stupid Mistakes that First Time Business Owner Make

Mel Feller MPA, MHR, Looks at Stupid Mistakes that First Time Business Owner Make

 Mel is the President/Founder of Mel Feller Seminars with Coaching for Success 360, Inc. and Mel Feller Coaching. Mel Feller is an Innovator and Business Leader. Mel Feller currently maintains an office in Texas. Mel is currently an MBA Candidate.

  Having been a non-employee for about 44 years now, I have made my share of stupid business mistakes.  I have also coached a number of people to start their own businesses, and I have seen many of them make similar mistakes.  This advice is geared towards small business owners, particularly people who are just starting or about to start their own business.

 Selling to the wrong people.

  While sales are important to the survival of any business, you do not need to push your business on everyone you meet, including friends and family. Furthermore, it is a waste of time to try selling to people who simply do not need what you’re offering.

  Selling to the wrong people includes trying to sell to everyone. Some customers are much easier to sell to than others are.  For example, my friend does web consulting for small businesses, and he has learned that some clients are much harder to work with than others are.  If a potential customer is broke and obsessively worried about every nickel they spend, if they want a web site but do not know why, or if they simply do not understand the Internet well enough, they will not be a good client in the end.  Feel free to say no to customers that are more trouble than they are worth. Let your competitors sell to them instead.  You will save yourself many headaches, and you will free up more time to focus on serving the best customers.

   Just because someone is interested in doing business with you does not mean you should accept.  In my first year in business, I probably said yes to at least 50% of the people who approached me with a potential business relationship.  I wasted many time pursuing deals that were too much of a stretch to begin with.  I accepted lunch invitations from random business people who just wanted to “see if there’s a way we could do something together.”  Virtually none of them made me a dime.  If you think a meeting is pointless, it probably is.  Do not network with random people just because you think you are supposed to network.  Today I accept such invitations less than 1/10 as often.  If an offer does not excite me right away, I usually decline or ignore it.  Most relationships simply are not worth pursuing.  Learn to say no to the weak opportunities so you have the capacity to say yes to the excellent opportunities.

 Spending too much money.

   Until you have a steady cash flow coming in, do not spend your precious start-up cash unless it is necessary.  In 1998, I started this personal development business with only $9 cash even though I could have spent much more on it.  No fancy logo, no snazzy web design, no business cards or stationery.  I paid to register the domain name, and that was it. That is as much as I was willing to spend before I started generating a positive cash flow.  All other business expenditures came out of that cash flow.

 Your business should put cash into your pocket, so before you “invest” money into it, be clear on how you are going to pull that cash back out again.

 Obviously, some businesses require lots of cash to start, but in the age of the Internet business, you can very easily start a lucrative business for pocket change.

  Spending too little money.

 It is also a mistake to be too stingy with your cash.  Do not let frugality get in the way of efficiency. Take advantage of skilled contractors who can do certain tasks more efficiently than you can.  Buy decent equipment when it is clear you will get your money’s worth.  You do not have to overspend on fancy furniture, but get functional furniture that helps you be more productive.  Do not use an antiquated computer with outdated software that slows you down if you can afford something better.

  It takes time to develop the wisdom to know when you are being too tight or too loose with your cash, so if you are just starting out, get a second opinion. Often the very thought of getting a second opinion makes the correct choice clear.  If you cannot justify the expenditure to someone you respect, it is probably a mistake.  On the other hand, there are situations where it is hard to justify not spending the cash.

 Putting on a fake front.

  Many one-person businesses refer to themselves as “we.”  That is something many new entrepreneurs do, but it is not necessary. There is nothing wrong with a one-person business, especially today.  My personal development business has mostly been an I over the years.  It is perfectly OK to refer to your business as an I when you are the only one working in it.  Pretending that you are a we when you are really an I is a bit silly. It is not going to gain you any respect in a way that matters.  Promoting yourself, as an I may even be an advantage today, since people will know the buck stops with you, and if you make a promise, you are the one who will carry it out.  Promises from a we sometimes are not worth very much.

  If you’re a newly self-employed person, don’t pretend you’re anything else. Price your products and services fairly for your level of skills and talents.  Some newly self-employed people think they must become actors.  The business they promote to the world is pure fantasy.  Trying to fool your customers in this manner will only backfire.  If you are so desperate for business that you need to lie, you should not be starting your own business.  If you cannot provide real value and charge fairly for it, do not play the game of business.  Develop your skills a bit more first.

 Assuming a signed contract will be honored.

  I have made this mistake more than I care to admit.  I have had signed contracts with supposedly reputable corporations, and they were not worth squat when the CEO decided he wanted out of the deal, even for completely dishonorable reasons.  Sure, I was in the right, but did I want to go to court to enforce it? No, I would rather continue doing meaningful work.

  A signed contract is just a piece of paper.  What is behind a signed contract is a relationship.  If the relationship goes sour, the contract will not save you.  The purpose of a contract is to clearly define everyone’s roles and commitments. However, it is the relationship, not the paper, which ultimately enforces those commitments.  When I understood this, I focused more on relationships and worried less about what was on paper, and my business deals went much more smoothly.  Once you start falling back on the paper, the deal is already in trouble.  Creative (and lucrative) business deals usually stray from the paper contracts that represent them.  One of my attorneys, who had worked on dozens of game development deals, told me that no deal he worked on ever followed the contract exactly; most were not even close.  In addition, these were big money deals in many cases.  Business relationships are similar to other personal relationships they twist and turn all over the place.

 Written contracts are still necessary, especially when dealing with larger corporations where people come and go, but they’re secondary to relationships.  Just don’t make the mistake of assuming that the contract is the deal.  The contract is only the deal’s shadow.  The real deal is the relationship.  Keep your business relationships in good order and you won’t have to worry so much about what’s on paper.

  It is sad but true that there are loads of scoundrels in business.  Many of them hold titles like CEO, President, and CFO. There are indeed people out there who seem to care about nothing but money, and they will lie, cheat, and steal to get it.  But there are plenty of others to whom the word honor has no meaning.  

  Going against your intuition.

 Intuition is just as important in business as it is in other settings.  You would be amazed at how many gigantic corporate deals are green-lighted or red-lighted because of some CEO’s gut feeling. While you might think that logic is the language of business that is far from reality.  If you base all your business deals on hard logic and ignore your intuition, most likely you will be in for a world of hurt.

  We humans aren’t very logical to begin with.  We simply don’t have enough data to make truly logical decisions because business deals depend on human beings, and we don’t have a logical system for accurately predicting human behavior.  Not being able to predict how other humans will behave is a pretty big gap in our logic.  And intuition has to fill that gap.  The real performance of human beings is what makes or breaks business deals.  However, to assume everyone will perform as expected is unrealistic in the extreme.  No deal ever goes perfectly.

 It’s hard to say no to a deal that seems juicy by the numbers when my gut is saying, “You’ll regret it,” but more often than not, I later see evidence my intuition was right all along.  Sometimes I just get a bad read on someone, and then years later, several people I know are complaining about being ripped off by that person.

  Intuition is a critical part of the decision-making process in business. Since business deals depend on relationships, you need to get a read on the other people involved in any deal you consider.  If you get a bad read, walk away.  If you get a good read, proceed with caution.

  Being too formal.

  I will say it again.  Business is built on relationships.  In some settings, a certain degree of formality is appropriate, but in most business, situations being too formal only gets in the way.  Business relationships work best when there is a decent human-to-human connection behind them.

   I think it’s a mistake to be too formal even when looking to establish new business relationships.  If someone mails me a letter that starts with “Dear Mr. Feller” and then goes on to explain a long-winded business proposal, I’ll usually just trash it, especially if it uses the word “we” a lot.  Better to fire off an email with a “Hi Mel,” and just ask me very informally if I’m interested in the kind of arrangement you’re seeking.  It saves time and opens the door to a real human relationship. Human beings do not want to build relationships with faceless corporations.  They only want relationships with other human beings.

  Treat your business relationships like friendships (or potential friendships). Formality puts up walls, and walls do not foster good business relationships.  No one is loyal to a wall except the one in China.

  Formality is boring and tedious.  People want to enjoy their work.  If someone address me like a computer, I will respond in kind by hitting delete.  However, if someone demonstrates they have a real personality and a good sense of humor, a connection is far more likely.

  Sacrificing your personality quirks.

  In the early years of running my personal business, I took myself too seriously and assumed that I had to act “businesslike”whatever that meant.  Being self-employed was a weighty responsibility, and other people were counting on me.  Sink or swim, right?

  I started my games business in my early 30s, and people in their early 20s to 30s are invariably weird.  However, I assumed that as a business owner, being weird was not appropriate or acceptable. So most of my business letters and emails looked like they were written by the same people who created fancy marketing pieces.  The job title of “President” really went to my head.  I learned how to function without a personality.

  It took a number of years, but eventually I became comfortable just being myself, especially after my personal development business became profitable.  Now that I’m also blogger, my personality quirks and unusual experiences are strengths.  My personal oddities give my blog a unique flavor.  If I were to take myself too seriously and write more formally, my blogs would be very dull and would likely lose much of its audience.

  It is perfectly OK to be your own weird self and to inject your own unique spirit into your business, especially if you are in your teens or 20s.  Do not be afraid to be more like Steve Jobs was and less like Steve Ballmer.  Do not pretend to be something you are not.  Ultimately, you’ll enjoy your work much more if you attract the kinds of customers and partners that want to work with you for who you are warts and all. Send the people who only want to work with androids to your corporate competitors.  They deserve each other.

  If other people cannot handle your weirdness, too bad for them.  Focus your energy on the people who can.

  Failing to focus on value creation.

   It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the purpose of a business is to make money.  However, the real purpose of a business is to create value.  While it is possible to make money in the short run without creating much value, in the end it is unsustainable.  Even criminal organizations have to create value for someone. When you know your business is just sucking value away from others without providing anything in return, it will erode your self-esteem, and the business will not be much fun to run.

  Why does your business exist?  It exists to provide some sort of value, for both you and your  customers.  The better you understand what value you are trying to provide, the better you will be able to focus.  The basic value provided by my games business was cerebral entertainment.  The basic value provided by Mel Feller is personal growth.  Too often business owners are not clear on what value they are trying to provide. They just sell stuff and hope for the best.  That is a lousy business model.  The world does not need more selling or more stuff.  However, it always needs and wants genuine value creation, and that is where you should direct your efforts.

 Failing to optimize.

  Although value creation is essential to a sustainable business, it is equally naive to assume you can simply focus on creating value, and the rest will take care of itself.  You may build a business that provides good value but loses money.  As a business owner, you need to find a way to deliver your value in a cost effective manner.  Most likely your first attempt will be very suboptimal.  You will waste too much time, money, and resources trying to produce and deliver your value.  That’s OK though.  Many businesses start out that way.  Just do not let yours stay that way.

  Once you have a particular business process in place, pull it apart and re-optimize it from time to time.  Look for ways to make it more efficient.  Can you get it done in less time?  At less cost?  Can you do it less frequently?  Can you outsource it?  Can you dump the process altogether?

  Don’t fall into the trap of using archaic methods for doing routine tasks that could be automated, including inventory management, billing, accounting, order processing, communications, and marketing.  If you find yourself doing the same repetitive tasks month after month, make sure you put some effort into optimizing them.  Not optimizing is like throwing time and money down the drain.  It is often much easier to save time and money than it is to create them.

  An Internet business has abundant opportunities for optimization because it is so easy to try new things and measure the results.  In the first year after launching this site, I experimented quite a bit with Google Adsense.   Adding the donations page was another optimization.  Some people click ads, some people donate, and some do both.  Therefore, even though value creation is the primary aim of the business, this is still a for-profit business and needs to generate income in order to be sustainable.  If I do not eat, I do not work.  More money means more resources for ongoing value creation.  Therefore, value creation and optimization go hand-in-hand.

  It takes significant effort to build a successful business, but it is also a tremendous growth experience.  I know many people who have quit their jobs to run their own businesses. Many of them did not do as well as they had hoped, but I do not know any that regretted taking the plunge.  There is simply no substitute for holding the reins of your own destiny.

   Mel Feller, MPA, MHR, is a well-known real estate, business consultant, personal development consultant and speaker, specializing in performance, productivity, and profits. Mel is the President/Founder of Mel Feller Seminars with Coaching for Success 360, Inc. and Mel Feller Coaching, a real estate and business specific coaching company. His three books for real estate professionals are systems on how to become an exceptional sales performer. His four books in Business and Government Grants are ways to leverage and increase your business Success in both time and money! His book on Personal Development “Lies that Will Sabotage Your Success”. Mel Feller is located in Texas.

[junker-town]

Leipold’s Buffalo should have a reset 2019 amid the breakthrough

Buffalo will be led by high-upside sophomores in 2019. That probably says great things about 2020.

By the end of 2018, Leipold had done most of what he had set out to do when he left comfortable surroundings for an unfamiliar venture.

At the age of 50, having just won his sixth Division III title in eight years at Wisconsin-Whitewater, Leipold had jumped to the MAC. He had spent two seasons stripping the Bulls down to the studs, but late in a rickety third season — lose two in a row, win three in a row, lose four in a row — things clicked. And it very much continued in year four.

After winning the last three games of 2017, Buffalo went 10-2 in the 2018 regular season, winning the MAC East and surging to a 29-10 lead over NIU in the conference title game. The Bulls had a sound defense — it peaked at 61st in Def. S&P+ — and an offense loaded with star power in the form of quarterback Tyree Jackson, receivers Anthony Johnson and K.J. Osborn, and All-MAC center James O’Hagan. All the foundation work, culture building, and talent identification was paying off.

After starting 10-23 in Buffalo, Leipold had won 13 of 15 and was on the doorstep of a conference title.

Now he has to realize the vision all over again. And for about 16 minutes longer.

The Bulls went into cruise control offensively after going up 19 points in the MAC Championship, and they couldn’t shift out of it. The Huskies scored the final 20 and won, 30-29. UB lost a fun Dollar General Bowl to Troy — no shame there — and then lost Johnson and O’Hagan to graduation, Jackson to early NFL draft declaration, and Osborn to grad transfer. (He’s a Miami Hurricane now.)

The defense, which had slipped to 83rd in Def. S&P+, retains some star power, but its two-deep got Thanos’d: three of the top five defensive linemen, two of three linebackers, and three of five defensive backs are all gone.

Leipold and Buffalo aren’t completely starting over. The culture is roughly in place. He’s still got a sturdy offensive line and exciting sophomores — running backs Jaret Patterson and Kevin Marks, receiver Charlie Jones, linebacker James Patterson, cornerback Aapri Washington, etc.

But with the way 2018 ended, UB fans are probably clamoring for an immediate do-over and another MAC run, and it might take a season of repair work before that happens.

Offense

Life with Tyree Jackson was a roller coaster. His footwork betrayed him at times. His arm angle would slouch, and despite his 6’7 stature, he’d throw like he was about 6’2. He’d willingly scramble out of the pocket on a play-making quest.

Jackson would sometimes slip into a rut — he went a combined 19-for-45 for 268 yards, one touchdown, and two picks in blowout losses to Army and Ohio, and his completion rate was 51 percent or lower in six of 14 games.

Those quests would frequently pay off, though. Buffalo did rank 10th in Passing S&P+, after all. Jackson was behind center for UB’s first 10-win season, and his success will be a recruiting tool.

But you have to think coordinator Andy Kotelnicki isn’t absolutely dreading life without him, you know? Jackson’s replacement will almost certainly have lower upside, but if that’s offset by better stability, maybe that’s a trade Leipold and Kotelnicki are willing to make. That’s the positive spin, anyway.

Barring a grad transfer, UB will be choosing from among a foursome of big (but not 6’7) replacements:

Junior Kyle Vantrease (6’3, 230, former three-star recruit), who saw a few snaps in reserve time last year but attempted only nine passes. In his only sustained action — filling in for an injured Jackson for two games in 2017 — he was no more consistent, going 25-for-57 against NIU and Miami (Ohio).

Junior Dominic Johnson (6’5, 220, unrated recruit), an Ontario product who also saw a handful of snaps and threw two passes — one to his team and one to the opponent.

Redshirt freshman Matt Myers (6’4, 220, two-star recruit), a state champ from nearby West Seneca who showed well in fall camp.

Incoming freshman Trevor Bycznski (6’5, 230, three-star recruit), who threw for 3,500 yards at Berea-Midpark High outside of Cleveland.

Kotelnicki will have to choose between two juniors with knowledge of the system and two youngsters with big arms and upside. They tasked Jackson with starting as a redshirt freshman back in 2016, so it wouldn’t be unheard of if they went young.

Whoever they choose will have a sturdy run game to lean on.

John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Jarret Patterson

After a slow start to Jarret Patterson’s freshman season (19 carries for 71 yards in his first three games) the former gray shirt (he committed in the 2017 class but didn’t enroll until January 2018), erupted for 104 yards and two scores against Rutgers and barely looked back. The 5’9, 195-pounder was nearly as important to UB’s division title run as Jackson — in the Bulls’ last seven wins of the year, he averaged 6.4 yards per carry and 111 yards per game and scored 11 touchdowns.

In their four losses: 3.8 yards per carry, 41 yards per game, two touchdowns.

Patterson split time with Kevin Marks, another true freshman who played the role of short-yardage back. Though neither was incredibly explosive, they combined for a 46 percent success rate.

The line loses O’Hagan but is scheduled to return five players a combined 87 career starts, including a pair of potentially dynamite tackles in Evin Ksiezarczyk and Kayode Awosika. This isn’t a huge line, but to my eye, the Bulls’ run game was built primarily around zone blocking (which requires less size) and one-cut-and-go running. It worked pretty well.

Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

Charlie Jones

UB was a pretty run-heavy team in 2018 despite the star power in the passing game. The Bulls rushed 60 percent of the time on standard downs (right at the national average) and 42 percent on passing downs (well above). That was a stylistic choice, but it might be a necessity this time. In Johnson, Osborn, and George Rushing, they must replace a combined 132 receptions, 2,090 yards, and 22 touchdowns.

There are at least a couple of exciting options in the receiving corps. Tight end Tyler Mabry (27 catches, two touchdowns) was the most efficient target, and in Charlie Jones, UB might have another star. His route tree was similar to Johnson’s, and his per-target production was even better. He averaged 21.9 yards per catch over 18 receptions and played an explosive role in big games — he had three catches for 63 yards against Temple, one for 53 against Rutgers, two for 53 against Army, and two for 57 against Toledo.

Jones’ success might be tied to whether other receiving options emerge. There are plenty of candidates. Junior Antonio Nunn saw plenty of action, sophomore Rodney Scott III and incoming freshman Trevor Solomon-Wilson are former star recruits, and Leipold brought in two JUCOs in Daniel Lee and Larry Rembert Jr. If the run game is steady, and opponents have more than one WR to fear, Jones could have a huge year.

Defense

The Pattersons might become program-defining signees for UB. And they were grayshirts! While Jarret was helping to establish the Buffalo run game, his stockier brother James was leading the Bulls’ defense with nine tackles for loss and four forced fumbles from the linebacker position. His presence, alongside junior ends Taylor Riggins and Malcolm Koonce (combined: 10.5 TFLs, eight sacks), means the defense could still have a proven attacking presence.

Depth was a key for coordinator Brian Borland’s front seven last year, and there’s less of it this time. Linebacker Khalil Hodge is gone, as are pass-rush specialist Chuck Harris and leading interior lineman Justin Brandon. But Patterson, Riggins, Koonce, and other younger players like sophomore linebacker Tim Terry Jr., sophomore tackle Eddie Wilson, and junior linebacker Kadofi Wright are exciting.

John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Tyrone Hill

Buffalo’s pass defense was aggressive and effective. The Bulls were fourth in passing marginal efficiency, 15th in completion rate allowed, and 25th in sack rate. The pass rush should still be strong, but losing corners Tatum Slack and Cameron Lewis (combined: five INTs, 10 breakups) hurts. Safeties Tyrone Hill and Joey Banks are still patrolling, and corner Aapri Washington looks like the real deal, but he’ll need a new dance partner.

The Bulls could stand to shore things up in run defense, too. Even with a ridiculously good run pursuer in Hodge, UB still ranked only 84th in rushing marginal efficiency. Guys like Patterson, Wright, and Wilson have loads of potential, but it might be difficult to improve without Hodge — the goal might be to just maintain last year’s numbers. If the pass defense slips, then, so will the overall numbers.

Special Teams

Buffalo posted both its best Off. S&P+ and Def. S&P+ ratings under Leipold in 2018. He has yet to figure out special teams. While up-and-down swings are semi-common, UB has established the wrong kind of consistency: 121st in Special Teams S&P+ in 2015, 121st in 2016, 123rd in 2017, 126th in 2018.

Charlie Jones provided some pop in the return game, but the legs were a problem. Buffalo ranked 122nd in punt efficiency, 107th in FG efficiency, and 101st in kickoff efficiency. The Bulls are in the market for a new place-kicker, and punter Evan Finegan was a freshman, so maybe there’s room for growth.

2019 outlook

2019 Schedule & Projection Factors

Date Opponent Proj. S&P+ Rk Proj. Margin Win Probability 31-Aug Robert Morris NR 38.8 99% 7-Sep at Penn State 14 -27.9 5% 14-Sep at Liberty 112 4.3 60% 21-Sep Temple 66 -6.7 35% TBD Bowling Green 123 14.9 81% TBD Central Michigan 122 14.0 79% TBD Ohio 82 -2.6 44% TBD Toledo 78 -3.2 43% TBD at Akron 124 10.4 73% TBD at Eastern Michigan 96 -3.1 43% TBD at Kent State 111 4.2 60% TBD at Miami (Ohio) 93 -4.6 40%

Projected S&P+ Rk 97 Proj. Off. / Def. Rk 88 / 99 Projected wins 6.6 Five-Year S&P+ Rk -9.8 (102) 2- and 5-Year Recruiting Rk 112 2018 TO Margin / Adj. TO Margin* 4 / -0.8 2018 TO Luck/Game +1.7 Returning Production (Off. / Def.) 43% (40%, 46%) 2018 Second-order wins (difference) 9.5 (0.5)

Just as any season with a new QB becomes a tossup, S&P+ sees all sorts of tossups on Buffalo’s schedule. Projected 97th overall, the Bulls are looking at four likely wins, one likely loss, and seven games projected within a touchdown.

So yeah, a favorable QB situation could flip a lot of games.

Whether Buffalo figures out its signal-caller right away or not, the Bulls are not starting from scratch. The floor was 2-10 when Jackson took over, and I don’t think it’s anywhere near that now. There’s just too much young talent, and it’s spread over just about every unit, from running back to receiver to the trenches to linebacker to the secondary.

Whether this is a “just eke out bowl eligibility” year or something more, we’ll probably know by the time conference play begins. The non-conference slate is a perfect set of tests: a nearly sure win against Robert Morris, a nearly sure loss against Penn State, and two relative tossups — a trip to Liberty and a visit from Temple. If the Bulls are 1-3, then 6-6 is the only goal. If they’re 3-1, they’re a MAC contender.

In 2020, they’ll probably be a MAC contender no matter what.

Team preview stats

All 2019 preview data to date.

[comic-movieheroesranked]

Cinematic Comic Characters Ranked! (Year 2002) Final Part

2002 was the Attack of the Sequels with three franchises coming back: Blade II, Men in Black II, and Star Wars: Episode II-Attack of the Clones. This is year was also the debut for Spider-Man and the lesser known (but just as good) Road to Perdition. This is also the first list that had some many candidates that it had to be divided into three separate parts. The final part on my list reveals the TOP 20 comic characters of 2002!

*SPOILERS FOR ALL THE HIGHLIGHTED MOVIES ABOVE*

20. Mace Windu (Star Wars: Episode II-Attack of the Clones)

"This party's over."

The dude's got a purple lightsaber!!! Like that's just so cool to me when all these other Jedi have a bunch of green and blue ones. He's usually seen hanging out with Yoda as the little green dude spills some knowledge tea on everyone else but has his shining moment when he leads a group of Jedi to save Anakin, Padme, and Obi-Wan. Unfortunately there's too many of Count Dooku's forces to take on, but that doesn't alter Mace's decision to give up. When the battle returns to their favor, he's seen leading units of clone soldiers to victory like the Jedi master he is.

19. John Rooney (Road to Perdition)

"There are only murderers in this room!"

I really liked this man! He's the ideal crime boss that just happened to be in a tough situation when his bitch of a son killed his favorite assassin's family. I do not blame John for protecting his son, even if he despises him because at the end of the day, that's his son. If the tables were turned Mike would definitely not give up Michael or Peter if he was in a similar situation. It was sad to see him go but I can tell that he didn't blame Mike at all even though he was the one who pulled the trigger. It's the name of the game and he just happened to be a major player.

18. Ben Parker (Spider-Man)

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Uncle Ben, possibly the greatest uncles in cinematic universe. I feel like he also starts the Marvel movie trend of a loved one dying at the beginning of the movie. He's such an understanding guy and it sucks that Peter's last conversation with him is an argument. Him dying from his gun shot wound is one of the saddest scenes in comic book history but his words are carried on through Peter as he grows into the hero we all know and love.

17. Nyssa Damaskinos (Blade II)

"The great day-walker. I have to say I'm a little disappointed."

Nyssa is the princess of a very royal vampire family and leader of the team of vampires trained to kill Blade. She and her team are forced to work with him, though, when Nomak appears and starts killing other vampires. She ends up proving to be a good ally of Blade's and might be one of the few he actually trusts in the movie. They earn each other's respect to the point that Blade lets her feed on him when she almost dies in the sewers. When she finds out she's been lied to by her father, she seals his fate along with hers and lets Nomak feed on them but Blade interrupts. Instead of turning into one of the creatures that killed everyone she knew, she asks Blade to take her to the sunlight and dies in his arms.

16. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars: Episode II-Attack of the Clones)

"Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?"

Ok I get that Obi-Wan had to constantly keep Anakin in check because him and Yoda could sense that his ego could potentially be his downfall, but damn he was really condescending sometimes. Like I'd probably joing the dark side too if I had to learn from him. Honestly my problem with him is he would criticize Anakin for being reckless and then literally jump out of a window that was several hundred feet in the air! Besides that I can tell he takes being a Jedi very seriously, if only he lasted just a bit longer when he went against Count Dooku.

15. Harlon Maguire (Road to Perdition)

"I'm something of a rarity."

This dude was so creepy. I mean it can't get any creepier than an assassin who's hobby/profession is to take photos of the dead/dying. I just knew it deep in my heart of hearts he was going to kill Mike at the end. The last time we saw him he survived a bullet to the eye so I knew he was going to come back and since everything got resolved before he did, I knew he was going to be the twist. He ends up dying shortly after by Mike himself, but it sucks that he robbed little Michael a life with his father.

14. Mary Jane Watson (Spider-Man)

"I think I have a superhero stalker."

The girl next door who dreams of becoming an actress. Mary Jane comes from an abusive home which probably explains her choice in men at first. Still I just could not understand what took her so long to realize she's in love with Peter, but maybe it's because the movie is through his point of view. She's very much interested in his alter ego though and even initiates one of the most iconic kiss scenes in cinematic history!

13. Scud (Blade II)

"No. I'm a lover, not a fighter."

I was so bummed when Scud was revealed to be working against Blade the entire time. What's not to like about him? He makes great gadgets, eats Krispy Kremes, and also watches the Powerpuff Girls. He's not too much of a pushover when he's surrounded by vampires but that's probably because he's their familiar the whole time. When he gets ballsy and starts beating on Whistler, who was just starting to like him, Blade triggers the explosive in Scud's hand and Scud blows up into a million pieces.

12. May Parker (Spider-Man)

"You do to much-you're not Superman you know!"

Aunt May is one of those people you'd go to war for. Seriously, every scene where she was upset or crying I was ready to gear up and take down everyone responsible. She's Peter's last parental figure who just wants him to be happy. Even when she's in the hospital from Green Goblin's attack she's focused on spying on Peter's conversation with Mary Jane. She's also loyal and set in her ways. She wasn't going to let Norman get away with calling Peter a slob and she definitely wasn't going to let him dip his fingers in the food before saying grace.

11. Agent Jay (Men in Black II)

"I'm about to lay the smackdown on your candy-ass!"

Agent Jay is all grown up. No longer a rookie Jay has saved the world countless times after going solo (his temporary partners don't count seeing as none of them last). He joins forces with Kay to help save a girl we're supposed to believe he's fallen for from Serleena, someone we're supposed to believe is a threat. Most of the action and hilarity is brought on by Jay which honestly saved this movie (if you can really consider it saved).

10. Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars: Episode II-Attack of the Clones)

"Someday I will be the most powerful Jedi ever."

Yo it was damn near overwhelming with how emotional Anakin was throughout this movie. Like he was one some Romeo and Juliet shit and it was just a lot to handle sometimes to be honest. Granted he does go through a lot. He loses his mother and then goes on a rampage killing everyone in sight, he ends up being in a giant romantic quarrel with Padme before they eventually get married, and he's constantly at odds with his master. He's the epitome of angsty teenager and it'll be interesting to see what exactly tips him over to the Dark Side to become Darth Vader.

9. Jared Nomak (Blade II)

"Is the enemy of my enemy my friend? Or my enemy?"

An experiment gone wrong, Jared Nomak was the son of royal vampire, Eli Damaskinos. He ends mutating horribly and finds that he can infect every vampire he feeds on. And so begins his quest to end all vampires. Since he's basically impossible to kill he ends up being an unstoppable force of nature as he takes down Blade's men one by one. After killing his father and infecting Nyssa, Nomak has one final brawl with a newly charged Blade. After they both deal some heavy blows, Blade comes out of the fight the winner, killing Nomak once and for all.

8. Padme (Star Wars: Episode II-Attack of the Clones)

"I truly, deeply, love you and before we die I want you to know."

Padme is going through a huge dilemma. She's a senator who's in love with a Jedi whom she meet when he was only ten years old and she was a young queen seven years his senor. Now the boy's all grown up and confessing his undying love to her and she can't help but feel the same. She thinks it's wrong though and tries to fight it but when she thinks they're about to die she ends up returning his affections. She doesn't give up though and helps fight against Count Dooku with the rest of the Jedi and clone soldiers. When the battles over, Padme and Anakin run off and get married.

7. Whistler (Blade II)

"I love it when you talk dirty."

The only father figure in Blade's life, Whistler is also his only weakness. Blade rescues him and he turns into a vampire and held hostage by a vampire gang for years. He grumpily disapproves of all the new changes, mainly Scud and his gadgets, but he still down to help Blade in any way he can. He's the one to figure out where the mutated vampires are hiding and also talks to Nomak to find out that Blade's been played since the very beginning. He rescues Blade and even makes sure the other man has his signature glasses after Blade recovers in the pool of blood. Him and Blade are the only two to survive at the end of the movie.

6. Michael Sullivan Jr. (Road to Perdition)

"And that was the last time I ever held a gun."

Little Michael's entire world is turned upside down in just a matter of a few weeks. One night he finds out his father is a hitman after he watches him kill a man and the next he finds the bodies of his mother and his little brother before running off with his father. He has a lot of insecurities with his father but they slowly dissolve the more time he spends with him. My favorite part of the movie is easily Mike teaching him how to drive and Michael being absolutely horrible at it. After his father dies, Michael decides to leave the world of crime forever, taking his new dog and going off to live with an old couple with a farm.

5. Yoda (Star Wars: Episode II-Attack of the Clones)

"Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is."

Even though he seems like the nicest creature in the world and probably the young Jedi's #1 teacher, it was taking me so long to get used to Yoda's speaking patterns. Little dude spends his time giving confusing advice until he literally saves everyone at the end of the movie when he arrives with the clone soldiers. If that weren't epic enough, the dude can fight! He's ends up taking on Count Dooku and is flipping circles around the guy until he eventually pulls a cheap trick and gets away. Yoda ain't even phased by it though, he just saves Anakin and Obi-Wan's life and then heads back to base camp to plan for the future, like a true master Jedi.

4. Norman Osborn/Green Goblin (Spider-Man)

"The only thing they love more than a hero is to see a hero fail."

Norman Osborn is a wealthy scientist who becomes Green Goblin in a last ditch effort to prove his project works. At first he only becomes his psycho personality for personal reasons like killing the people on his board committee after they fire him, but decides to go after Spider-Man after the hero tries to stop him. The Green Goblin is a great villain. With a few gadgets and a hovercraft, he's able to cause some serious terror to Spider-Man, terrorizing Aunt May and kidnapping Mary Jane. He brings up some good points about how some people just want Spider-Man to lose but in the end him and his conniving ways are what bring his demise.

3. Michael Sullivan (Road to Perdition)

"This has nothing to do with business."

Mike is a man who started with nothing yet had a wife and two kids to support. He ends up working for John Rooney and becomes his best hitman, even earning John's love over his son, Connor. However, said son is a bitch and decides to ruin everything when he kills Mike's wife and youngest son, Peter, leaving Mike with no choice but to go on the run with his older son, Michael. Throughout the movie, as Mike plots his revenge against the Rooney's, we learn that his biggest fear is that Michael will end up just like him. Just before he dies, however, he's able to see that his son is not like him and he dies knowing he never will be.

2. Blade (Blade II)

"You obviously don't know who you are fucking with!"

Blade is the ultimate badass. Like everything he does is just so freaking cool! He kicks ass, taunts his enemies, even when he's hurting he manages to make it look cool. He's one step ahead of all his enemies and on the slight chance they manage to get the jump on him, he's able to recover fast-with the help of Whistler-and take them all down. His return to film was much needed as he was easily the greatest thing about the movie.

1. Peter Parker/Spider-Man (Spider-Man)

"Just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!"

Spider-Man was just another game changer when it came to superhero films. My dad took my brother and I out of school early to watch the movie when it first came out and we were so grateful! It's just so easy to like Peter Parker, the nerdy kid who gains amazing abilities after getting bit by a radioactive spider. From him hilariously learning how to shoot out his webs to him getting smoother and smoother talking to Mary Jane, we see him go from this puny kid to this lovable hero. He's everything we could have asked for. He made us laugh, cry, and cheered as he saved the day again and again.

And that’s the list for 2002! Spider-Man came out on top but I’m a little bummed there wasn’t that many fleshed out female characters, especially when they practically dominated 2001. Well let me know who y’all would’ve had on the top of the list. Here’s to 2003!

[chicagoredstars07]

Chicago Red Stars Season Preview: Living up to expectations

2016: 9-5-6, 33 pts. (3rd place) Playoffs: Semifinal loss in extra time to the Washington Spirit Head Coach: Rory Dames Home Ground: Toyota Park

The story of ’16

Since the inception of the National Women’s Soccer League, the Chicago Red Stars have made incremental progress each season. After finishing mid-table in 2013, they drafted well, added a few pieces and in 2014 only missed the playoffs on criteria. Then, in 2015, more adjustments and another solid draft earned them their first playoff berth—one that ended quickly with FC Kansas City scoring three times inside the first 25 minutes of play.

In 2016, Chicago took another step forward, qualifying for the playoffs again and performing much better than they had in the 2015 post-season. While the team still exited in the semifinal round, the Red Stars gave the Washington Spirit everything they could handle en route to a 2-1 loss in extra-time. They even had a chance to win the game in regulation when Christen Press rounded goalkeeper Kelsey Wys and put a left-footed shot off the crossbar with the score tied 1-1 in the 2nd minute of second half stoppage time.

What happened over the winter

The Red Stars didn’t make any major moves this winter, nor did they need to. Sticking to their formula of slow, calculated, piecemeal improvement, head coach Rory Dames and the Chicago front office have only tweaked their roster since last season.

Over the winter out went midfielder Amanda DaCosta and in came Morgan Proffitt, Michele Vasconcelos and Lauren Kaskie via the draft. Dames cited both Proffitt and Vasconcelos as potential Rookie of the Year candidates, but Vasconcelos will have to wait until 2018 to make her debut after announcing a pregnancy in February.

The Red Stars acquired Summer Green in a trade from Seattle in December, and the forward has scored two of the team’s three goals in preseason inter-squad scrimmages while also providing the game-winning assist in the team’s preseason match against Houston. Dames knew Green from his days coaching youth soccer against the Michigan native and told The Equalizer, “I’ve watched Summer play forever, going back to her [youth games]. She’s ruined my day on a number of occasions.”

Chicago also had eight players go abroad this winter, plying their trade in Australia’s W-League and picking up four months of valuable off-season training and games.

Player to Watch

Sofia Huerta had a strong campaign in 2016, picking up seven goals after notching six during her rookie season in 2015. She also put to bed the notion that she couldn’t score while playing with Press, scoring all but one of her goals last year with Press on the field.

In the off-season, Huerta played in Australia for Adelaide United and continued her scoring streak there, tallying eight times in 12 matches.

The Idaho native could be on the verge of a career season in 2017 and provide Chicago’s attack with the extra boost it needs to play for the title.

“I feel sharp, I feel fit and I feel ready,” said Huerta.

Final Outlook

Before Chicago gets down to business this year, Dames will have a series of difficult roster choices ahead of him. With 19 returners and seven newcomers still on the preseason roster (Julie Ertz (nee Johnston) doesn’t officially count right now because she is “out-of-market”), the head coach is full of praise for the players he has in camp.

“It’s the first year that we have 25 legitimate players of this level for 20 spots,” explained Dames. “I’ve never been in that situation—it’s going to be hard to make those decisions.”

He knows that Chicago’s schedule this year is going to require the depth of all 20 players on his roster and is excited to start seeing his youngsters develop. In some ways, he almost feels that the league’s roster rules punish the Red Stars for being too effective at developing their young talent.

Dames points out Katie Naughton as his most improved player from a year ago and won’t commit to starting the same back line he did in 2016. He has been using Taylor Comeau—who played exclusively as a midfielder last year—as an outside back in preseason and touts her athleticism and competitiveness while stressing she will one day be one of the league’s best defenders.

He was impressed with Courtney Raetzman’s performance against Portland in Chicago’s first preseason game and notes that Mary Luba has finally gotten serious about developing her game. “She does things that are special. She does things you don’t teach players to do,” Dames pointed out.

The coach has also been surprised by the quality of his newcomers in camp this year, specifically pointing to Simone Kolander. He knew she was fast and could get in behind defenses, but offered, “She’s got more tools in her kit than what was advertised. You don’t score a lot of goals in the Big Ten without having some special qualities.”

Considering the returning talent Chicago has and the team’s performance the last two years, getting the roster down to 20 may be one of the biggest challenges it faces this season.

Once the 2017 campaign kicks off, Chicago will likely rely on its tried and tested formula of a stingy defense, a high work-rate and Press golazos to grind out narrow wins. The biggest question heading into the season seems to be who will be the starting defenders and what formation Dames will use.

The coach has spent the preseason tinkering with a 3-5-2 and said, “We definitely have the personnel to do it, we have the athleticism to do it.”

He also insists that he decided to explore a three-back last fall, prior to it becoming en vogue after the United States national team made the change. Noticing that Chicago frequently scored goals late in matches when they became more aggressive going forward in 2016, he decided he needed to give a 3-5-2 a serious look this season.

Best Case Scenario

There’s a quiet confidence around the Red Stars this season, and everyone seems to know that this is a championship-caliber squad. Players like Julie Ertz, Vanessa DiBernardo, Danielle Colaprico, Arin Gilliland and Huerta, who have formed the backbone of the team over the past few seasons, are all now tested veterans—despite all being under 25 years old.

Add into that mix goalkeeper Alyssa Naeher, defender Casey Short and Press, and expectations for Chicago this season are high.

Even Dames, who describes himself as “more of a glass half-empty, than I am a glass half-full guy,” is excited and positive about what the team can accomplish this season.

Cause for Pause

The team hasn’t had Julie Ertz in camp this preseason due to her wedding and honeymoon and Dames said, “We’ve missed her leadership.”

She picked up a groin injury during the SheBelieves Cup and with everything else going on, the coach gave his defender the option of not coming in. That, he says, has limited a little of what Chicago has tried to introduce tactically, knowing that Ertz will be key to any strategic decisions they make this year. That fact could potentially slow the team down early in the season.

Dames’ teams have also benefited from a constancy in years’ past. It has usually been easy to predict his starting XI, his formation and even what substitutes would be made under what situations. And his players have always seemed to thrive under that consistency, knowing their coach has faith in them and knowing exactly what their roles are and how to execute them.

Counter-intuitively, the Red Stars’ success in developing players and drafting so well over the past few years may have inadvertently given their coach too many options heading into this season. With a possible switch in the formation on the horizon and the difficulty of finding playing time for so many talented players, Dames will have new challenges to contend with in 2017.

Another obstacle may be dealing with higher expectations. Since their inaugural NWSL season in 2013, the Red Stars have enjoyed a relative anonymity. With nearly everyone involved—from players, to the coaches, to the fans—expecting big things out of the team this year, there will more attention on the team than in past seasons and more pressure to win early and often, both from inside and outside the organization.

How the team responds to that pressure, especially if and when they hit bumps in the road, will be key to their success over the course of the 2017.