#if it is you get a gold medal for sticking around this long btw

[pokoglio]

I swear there was a comic on here that I don’t see anymore? I’m confused

At first i had no idea what u were talking about and was like "maybe it's a comic I posted on Twitter but not tumblr??" then remembered I used to have a webcomic... could it have been a comic that was about 3 huge losers who looked like this

[cooltrainererika]

Alt-talia Compilation: December Fun

Well, it’s already New Years for me. Fortunately this is the last story I want to get out since I’m delaying Key to Zorn part 2 again. Hooray. All I need to do is that alternate ending and I’m done! Goodbye 2019! 

This compilation is three super short fics: December 22, 2019: Snowball fight/Skiing/Christmas without snow. The first two are for Skiing, the last one is Christmas Without Snow, though it could also be filed against “Decorations”. While admittedly the first two aren’t Christmas related, the last one is so hopefully it still counts. 

Btw this is a semi-AU. I don’t have time to explain, so those unfamiliar with it, please reference my other works. 

And the awful titles are especially bad this time around. And the writing quality is super rough. Still, I don’t really have much time here. 

Name key: Denmark: Simon, Norway: Lukas

So without further ado, happy new year! 

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This is a message from the event holder:

I would like to ask one thing (but this isn’t part of the rules, so don’t worry) , if it is not too demanding… please, if you like someone’s work say it (comment), I personally think that put only a “heart” on it doesn’t make enough justice for the artist. I mean… as an active fan that contributes for the Hetalia’s fandom… a “heart” means nothing to me, at least reblog it. “Creators” get demotivated and sincerely it doesn’t hurt be nice to others. Of course, this is my opinion and a selfish request, so I won’t expect too much.

Please listen to them, I would really appreciate it. 

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Skiing Lessons

“Orv... You make it look so easy!”

Lukas seemed to glide across the snow, the boy weaving between thin trees agilely as if it took him no effort. 

Simon could only admire his Union-Brother’s skills; he had to observe closely, after all. 

That morning, Simon had finally decided to ask him about it; Lukas’ skiing had helped him in so many wars over the years. While Simon was considered to be part of Scandinavia, his land being as flat and close to the ocean as it was, the art of skiing was never something he had to learn; Lukas was different. On the snow, where horse hooves sunk impotently, he commanded the ski as his steed. Ever since he was very young, he had used them not only to run circles around his enemies, but as one of his companions in daily life. 

“Teach you?”

“Yeah! You’re so good at it, and it’s helped us in so many wars, so… could you? Please?”

Lukas had nodded. 

“Mmm. No problem. I have a few boards as spares. Though it’s not easy. I’ll warn you.”

So now, here they were, up north. 

And indeed, it was much harder than it looked. 

For the fifth time that day, Simon fell facefirst into the snow. 

Lukas shook his head like a monk chastising a child. 

“Get up!”

“I’m trying!”

“Danmark, you’re not supposed to put that much weight on your feet. You’re supposed to glide atop the snow. Don’t dig in too much. Let the snow carry you.”

“Right…”

He pushed himself along. 

“Glide... Glide atop the snow...Wait... I think I’m getting the hang of it!”

Mmmm. That’s it... follow me.”

“I can do it! Look Norge, I’m doing it-“

And then he fell into the snow again. 

“It’s not that easy.”

Lukas pulled him out of the snow, his Union-Brother’s face having gone pink from the coldness but still determined 

“We’re doing it again.”

“Yessir!”

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Alpine Rivals

Austria and Switzerland cascaded down the mountain, dodging everyone on the slope as they went with masterful skill. 

The two raced neck-and neck, the freezing air whistling past, nipping their cheeks, through the hair that wasn’t tucked inside their helmets. 

Italy had been close behind, but in a moment of distraction had reverted to his klutzy self; a split second which had proved disastrous, and sent him falling into the snow with his feet sticking out like a cartoon, and now he was way behind, desperately trying to catch up. Poland was a close third, wrestling his place with Bavaria, and France and Germany were a few meters behind those two. However, especially as the Nordics were taking a different course on the other side of the mountain, the undoubted champions here were Austria and Switzerland, as they long had always been.

But even if the Nordics were racing with them, it was entirely possible they would still be left in the dust. For they were the Alpine duo; the only ones who even rivaled, even surpassed, Norway himself in the ancient sport of downhill skiing.  

But as usual, Switzerland seemed to be winning this time. There was a reason he had the most Alpine skiing medals in the Olympics. 

Austria wasn’t giving up so easily though; when it came to skiing, his suppressed competitiveness had a rare opportunity to shine. And best friend or no, or especially because of that, it wasn’t over until the end of the slope. 

He was certain that Bavaria was going to complain about it after all of this as he usually did though. His father wasn’t exactly known for being humble.  

“See you at the bottom!”

“Gah! Get back here!”

Soon, the foot of the mountain came into view, flattening to soften the landing. 

Almost there…

Wait, was that…

Snow flew in waves as Switzerland skidded to a halt. 

“Eek!”

An extremely familiar voice squeaked. 

When the snow cleared, standing there, brushing herself off, in her skis, was Liechtenstein. 

“Look, look! I won! Finally! I told you I practiced!”

Switzerland raised his goggles, his jaw ajar. 

“...Since when were you here?”

“About a minute ago?”

They heard the loud muffled sounds of snow crunching as Austria skidded to a stop above them.

“Österreich... It’s Liechtenstein. She won.”

“...Mein Gott. Goodness. I did know you were quite good, but…”

Her cheeky grin widened. 

“I’m Alpine too, you know!”

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Starry Streets of Tropical Bethlehem 

Now, think of Christmas. What do you think of? 

Not just the trees, the music, or even the religious elements. What is expected of the scenery outside? 

Snow, of course. Without snow, Christmas just seems so incomplete. 

Most of us aren’t fortunate enough to experience a white Christmas, however, there is something inseparable about these two things in our minds.  

Or so it seems. For one nation, while knowing little of snow, may be one of the biggest lovers of Christmas of all. 

“YEHEY! YEHEY! IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!”

Others looked on in confusion as the personification of the Philippines barreled through the halls as soon as the meeting got out. 

It wasn’t too long until she had crashed into America, sending papers flying everywhere. 

“GAH! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, slow down!”

“I can’t wait! It’s almost Pasko!”

“Wha?”

“Christmas!”

America stared at her in confusion. South Korea was standing above, his face blank as he processed what just happened. 

“...Wha? But it’s September! I swear, Christmas gets earlier every year, but I didn’t think it was this bad!”

“What do you mean, Kuya America? Of course it’s long! All my people come home on Christmas! ...Ay! There’s something I want to show everyone.”

She reached into her purse and pulled out a flyer; a clearly handmade one, with just a date, location, and absolutely nothing else. 

“Come to San Fernando on the Saturday two weeks before Christmas! I’m inviting the rest of ASEAN too!”

“Wha?! What are we being invited to?!”

“It’s a surprise!”

“She always is so excited, this time of year…”

Then, she grabbed South Korea as well, thrusting the “flyer” into his hand, her dark brown eyes sparkling. 

“You come too, Kuya! Please?!”

“I… I presume so…”

“Yehey! See you!”

With that, she ran off. 

———————--------------------------------------------

For Philippines, Christmas started at the beginning of September in the truest sense of the word; the carols started, everyone broke out the trees, and talk of presents was fresh on everyone’s mind. 

For some, this may have seemed absurd. However, even without the snow, even without many Christmas trappings, she never tired of this festive, yet sacred atmosphere which enveloped her islands for half a year. 

———————--------------------------------------------

Even in the middle of December, it was warm in the Philippines. 

Though everyone expected it, actually experiencing it was a bit strange for America, though Australia seemed to not notice any difference. And poor Japan looked like he was going to melt. 

For some ASEAN members, those who could afford to come anyway, the festive Christmas cheer emanating from everywhere was an unusual sight in it of itself. 

So many other people had already gathered around them under the San Fernando sky, mostly locals. 

“So… what are you goin’ to show us, hermana?”

Philippines grinned a wide grin. 

“You’ll see, Kuya Mehiko! Oh, it’s starting!”

Just as the music started, she threw open her arms. 

“...NARITO! MALIGAYANG PASKO!”

And immediately, like that, as her voice boomed into the air, everything lit up. 

Star-shaped, intricate fractals of light, red, orange, blue, green, yellow, white, silver, gold, big and small, arranged in beautiful designs. 

They moved, spinning and dancing as they lit up the night. 

A collective gasp took over them as stars lit everything in their field of vision. 

“...It’s… it’s awesome!”

“See? I told you! I told you!”

And so, under a tropical urban December sky, a starry night shined brightly not above, but right on Earth. 

[samanthasroberts]

Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap · Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me. Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious James: I know man Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

View this post on Instagram

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on Dec 16, 2018 at 1:51pm PST

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

Source: http://allofbeer.com/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/02/23/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/

[adambstingus]

Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap · Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me. Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious James: I know man Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

View this post on Instagram

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on Dec 16, 2018 at 1:51pm PST

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/183010553612

[allofbeercom]

Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap · Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me. Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious James: I know man Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

View this post on Instagram

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on Dec 16, 2018 at 1:51pm PST

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/